I'm sorry for everything.

The things I said to you that night were all lies. I said them just to make you leave and because I'm an asshole. I'm so sorry.

I know I'm a fucking idiot. You deserved better.

I just wish that I could take it all back. I miss you like Hell.

When you get better and get to go home, can we please talk? I love you. I never stopped loving you.

Immediately after reading the letter, Sky wished she hadn't. She hoped she could turn back the time and tell Ruth that no, she didn't need it, that it was just some old thing that didn't matter anymore, and then Ruth would have thrown the damn thing into the trash and Sky never would have read it, and she wouldn't be sitting here now, tears running down her cheeks, feeling Hawk's words in her body as if they were carved into her skin with a burning iron instead of being just ink on the paper.

I'm so sorry.

I miss you like Hell.

I love you. I never stopped loving you.

Sky stared at the words, tears blurring her vision, taking her breath away.

All the ways Hawk had broken her heart, kept flashing through her mind, each and every one just as painful as when it had just happened. The stealing of the medal of honor and lying about it. Destroying her science project. Breaking Demetri's arm. Spreading those mean rumors about her, talking about their intimate moments to his idiot friends. Yelling at her on the front steps of his house that night— It was always about you, about your fucking issues, about how hard everything was for you. Like you're the only one who's suffered! You were never there for me! — I had to let you win at the All Valley because you were so fucking messed up! I was so sick of your stupid, neverending drama! – Why would anybody be with you? To get some pussy.

That night she had gone to Cody for the first time, had started emptying the pill bottle in her car in Cody's driveway, fully intending to kill herself. Her heart had been broken, shattered, destroyed, and— it had been Cody who had saved her life by interfering, by carrying her into his bed as if she was worthy of such kindness, as if her stupid life was worth saving.

Sky wished she had never read this letter, that made her question everything that had happened since that night.

I'm so sorry. I just wish that I could take it all back.

Sure, Hawk had apologized to her before - had tried to apologize that day at the dojo when Sky had started crying and screaming at his face, and later, when she had gone to see him to form some kind of a truce— they had sat side by side on his front steps and again he had said the same things that were in this letter. That he was sorry. That he knew he had been a complete asshole. That none of the things he had yelled at her that night had been true, that they were all lies, lies, lies - just lies that he had made up to hurt her in the worst possible way, so why did it matter now to read the same apologies on the paper, why did it make her heart hurt like it was carved out of her chest, why was she thinking for the first time ever that maybe I should forgive him for what he did?

Sky tossed away the letter and the envelope, threw them away from the bed to the floor, and lay down, burying her face in the pillow. Her tears wouldn't stop flowing, they soaked the pillowcase, they made her breathing come in painful, ragged sobs.

I love you. I never stopped loving you.

You didn't lose me. I'm here. I'm still here and I still—

What had he been about to say yesterday, when he had been helping her to clean the house and his sentence had been cut in half as Dad had walked in?

That he still loved her?

No.

No. She didn't want to think about that, didn't want to let that thought enter her mind. It was just like with Matt when she had tried to break things with him, and he had always slithered back into her life with false promises and declarations of love and she had forgiven him, time after time until it had all ended in blood and death, until he had raped her and shot her and killed Kat, and it was all her fault because she had been an idiot and forgiven him when she should have recognized all the red flags and stayed the fuck away from that relationship.

And yet—

Hawk wasn't like Matt at all. He wasn't even like Hawk anymore, despite the mohawk that was just as tall and sharp and red as ever. Being around him felt like being around Eli, the shy and kind boy she had fallen in love with—

Oh God, she didn't want to think about that, she didn't want to feel it, she wanted it gone and gone and gone. The stupid love that refused to die, the stupid love that made everything a mess, the stupid love that turned her into an idiot, a fool, Oh God, she wished she was dead, she wished she was the one in the coffin, rotting, being eaten by maggots, turning into dust and dirt, instead of being here and having to feel all this.

If only I had some Oxy—

If only she'd gone through Luke's room properly. There must have been something in there, and it could be hers now, she could take something and feel nothing, and maybe then she could die too, she could be with Luke and with Kat, and she would never have to see Hawk again, or Cody, oh, poor Cody who deserved the world instead of the crap Sky had brought into his life.

But she had no drugs, nothing to help her calm down or sleep, so she stayed awake all that night, and when the pale light of the morning sun entered the room, she closed the curtains, went back to bed, and didn't go to school. And when the afternoon came, she didn't go to the dojo.

She let the battery of her phone die and didn't recharge it, she turned off the lights and locked her door and when Dad came in with his key, she told him I'm tired, I'm sad, please just leave me alone and she hid under the covers until Dad finally gave up and left, leaving a plate of sandwiches on her nightstand - a plate she didn't even touch.

Hours passed like years. Sky ached for death, but it didn't come. Each day was longer than the one before. From time to time Dad came to her room, wiped her face with a cool cloth, forced her to drink some water, tea, sugary coke, but she wouldn't talk to him and in the end, her silence forced him out of the room, and again she was alone, she was hungry, tired, nauseous, her heart was broken. She heard whispering in the darkness, saw the tall, hooded creature standing in the corner, lured in by the shadows of the death that still lingered in the house, and she told him I'm ready, I'm ready, just take me with you, but no matter her pleas, she woke up the next morning and she was still here, still alive, still feeling everything she didn't want to feel, and there was no way out.

After an endless ocean of time, she woke up from a dizzy half-dream with a jolt, realizing that someone sitting on her bed.

"Hi—" said a voice she would have recognized anywhere. "Time to get up."

With that voice came a memory of black hair, a wide smile, laughter that was always wild and unapologetic, the scent of coffee and cinnamon and weed.

Kat.

Sky gasped for air and sat up, wiping the hair off her eyes, just to see Cody sitting on her bed.

He looked at her with wide eyes, as if startled by her sudden motion, and something in Sky's chest cracked. Of course, it was Cody, not Kat— why had she thought it would be her? That was messed up. Kat was dead, long gone, she wasn't here in her room, she never would be, and Cody looked nothing like her, he sounded nothing like her, so then why had she thought it would be her?

Her eyes teared up and she drew in a shaky breath, looked down to hide her tears from Cody.

"I'm sorry if I scared you. Your Dad let me in." He spoke silently, hesitantly, his cheeks burning.

"He shouldn't have—" Sky croaked, her throat dry and sore.

"What does that mean? You— you want me to go?"

Sky didn't answer. Her head was spinning and she lay back down, pulling the covers up to her nose. The remnants of her restless dreams still lingered, the irrational thought that it should be Kat here sitting on her bed instead of Cody.

"I've been trying to call you, for days. Why didn't you pick up?" Cody paused for a heartbeat or so, and when he continued, his voice was strangled, strained. "Are you breaking up with me? Is that it? Cause if you don't want me anymore— then just say it."

"I'm not breaking up with you," Sky sighed, hiding her face against the pillow. Her head ached, her heart ached, her whole body was sore and tired, utterly strengthless.

Oh, how much she had thought about that, and other things, during these past days. Hawk's letter still weighed heavily on her heart, taking up space that should be reserved for Cody, turning everything into a deafening, sickening whirlwind. She was droning in her mixed emotions, in her grief and loss, in the thoughts about Kat and Luke and Matt and Hawk and Cody.

At least about one thing, Hawk had been right - she was a fucking mess, everything was always about her issues, about her stupid neverending drama. She was in no shape to be in a relationship with anyone - not Hawk, not Cody - and in some rare moment of clarity during these nights or days, she had realized she had to let Cody go. He didn't deserve this, none of this, he deserved to be happy and Sky could never give him that.

But now that he was here, she just couldn't get the words out of her mouth.

She had been locked in her room for days, and Cody was the only one who was here, the only one who had come to save her, once again, just as he had come to save her in the rehab, just as he had come to save her that very first night when she'd been taking one pill after another in her car on his driveway, just as he would always be there for her, saving her every way a person can be saved - and Sky knew she didn't have what it took to send him away. He was still her lifeline, pulling her out of this misery that threatened to take her life.

"Why are you here?" she asked silently, turning her eyes to meet the sad, tired gaze of his eyes.

"Because it's time you eat something and get out of bed."

Sky groaned and wiped her cheeks with her hands - they were sticky with dried tears, her eyes were hurting. She wasn't sure how much time had passed, but suddenly she was very much aware of the fact that she was still wearing Luke's shirt which was now stained and glued to her skin with sweat. She probably looked like crap - and smelled like that too.

"You sound like my dad."

"That's not a bad thing, you know. He is awesome." Cody replied and bent to pick something up from a brown paper bag that lay on the floor on his feet. "I brought you a milkshake. With all the toppings in the world - just the way you like it. You need to start eating again."

Sky forced herself back into a sitting position, leaning her back against the pillows, and reluctantly took the milkshake. There was no point to argue - she knew he was right. In silence she started drinking, the cold sweet liquid soothing the burning drought of her throat.

Cody's eyes softened as he looked at her, the hazel of them turning almost green. Sky realized he had opened the curtains of her room and early afternoon sunlight entered, painting Cody's long eyelashes with the shades of gold. He looked like an angel that had fallen from Heaven into this Hell hole that was her room.

"Your dad is worried sick." He said softly. "And your friends too. I understand that you're grieving Luke, but— Sky, enough is enough. You have to get up."

the mention of Luke's name was a spear through Sky's heart. She stopped drinking the milkshake, her fingers gripped the cup hard.

"It's less than a week since he died. What— am I supposed to just go on like it never happened?"

"No. No one's saying that— But you shouldn't think you're alone in this." Cody swallowed and looked down at his hands. "I watched him die too, Sky. I was so mad at him, I wanted to hurt him— and he was dead already. I can't stop thinking about that— I can't stop seeing him the way he was, the belt around his arm— I haven't really slept since last weekend either."

Sky's heart grew heavy. She hadn't just failed Luke - she had failed Cody too. Cody had needed her, and she hadn't even picked up his calls.

"I'm sorry. I'm— I'm so sorry about everything."

"I don't need your apologies," Cody replied, raising his gaze back to her face. "I just need you to start living again. Finish that milkshake, take a shower, get changed, eat something— I promised your Dad I'd get you out of the bed - he's cooking pasta as we speak. And after you've eaten, I'll drive you to the dojo."

The dojo?

Sky pushed the milkshake away, as a sudden wave of nausea turned her stomach. At the dojo she'd have to meet Sam and Demetri and Miguel— they had all seen Luke die, they all knew she had relapsed, she had ruined their friendship, and Hawk—

How could she be around him after reading that letter? After he had held her so gently against his chest as she cried, had helped her to clean up the mess after the party? How was she supposed to just go on pretending she wasn't dying to throw herself back into his arms?

"I can't go there." She pushed the words out of her mouth. "No one wants me there, not after what happened."

"Bullshit. I talked to Sam. Yeah, she's shocked and upset, but she's still your friend. She just wants to help."

Sky looked down to avoid his eyes. "You talked to Sam?"

"I talked to all of your friends. Everyone's worried about you."

"You— talked to Hawk?"

A short silence followed her question. Sky turned her eyes up to see how Cody's jawline turned tight.

"Yeah." Another short silence. Cody's whole posture was tense, a shadow had fallen over his face. "He's worried. He— he's still in love with you. But I guess you already knew that."

Sky felt her cheeks heating. The letter— had Cody seen it? She glanced around to see if it was still on the floor, but there was no sight of it. Dad must have picked it up at some point as he had been tidying up the room - the letter wasn't the only thing missing. The plates with uneaten pieces of cake were gone too, and her desk where she had crushed the pills with Luke, was wiped and clean. The rolled-up bill she had used to snort the Oxy was nowhere to be seen, just like her pink dress and her shoes that Cody had thrown onto the floor after peeling them off her body on this very bed.

Sky's heart shattered at that memory. Cody had been so happy, and now—

He looked like he would never smile again.

"Look— about what happened at the party," Sky started, gripping the paper cup in her hands. "I'm sorry I texted Hawk. I don't know why I did that— it was stupid. I can show you the texts if you want to. There's nothing in them. I just—"

"You don't have to—"

"I just freaked out when I saw you with Jess. I was feeling like crap and— Hawk had been really nice to me in school earlier when I was upset about what your Mom said, so I just—- I don't know. I just texted him. It didn't mean anything."

Cody's face turned hard, his throat bobbed. "Right. You have a habit of saying things you don't mean. Like when you said you loved me."

The unmistakeable coldness of his words pierced Sky's chest. "That— I didn't—"

But Cody shook his head and let out a trembling sigh. The hand he ran through his dark hair was shaky.

"I'm sorry, that was low of me. I didn't come here to talk about this—"

"No. You have every right to be upset. What I did was shitty. I— I do love you. Just—."

"It's okay—" Cody rasped, interrupting her. "I knew what I was getting into when I started dating you. Nothing's changed." His voice broke, he took a shaky breath and let it out slowly. "We— we shouldn't talk about this now. You need to get up, take a shower and eat. And then I'll drive you to the dojo. They are waiting for you."

With that Cody stood up. The hand Sky had reached to touch him met only air and she let it fall. There was a lump in her throat, one that wouldn't move, and it was taking her breath away.

She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to drink. She didn't want to get up and take a shower. But least of all, she wanted to go to the dojo and face everyone, face their disappointment, their disdain, and Hawk—

She had no idea what to say to him after everything that had happened. How was she even going to look him in the eye after reading that letter?

But Cody was waiting for her, leaning on the wall next to the door, and the sudden scent of freshly cooked pasta with pesto entered the room from downstairs, making Sky's stomach growl.

She wasn't dead yet. She wasn't the one rotting in the coffin six feet under. She still had time, she could still fix things.

Slowly she got out of bed and walked into the bathroom.