Last night's dream was holding Sky in a tight grip, even if it was already late afternoon.
She was sitting in the passenger seat of Yasmine's car watching the luxurious boutiques swim by the window as they cruised down the avenue that was lined with palm trees and shops. The sun was a hot, blazing sphere high in the sky, but the insides of the car were nice and cool, the expensive leather of the seat was the smoothest thing Sky had ever felt. Yasmine kept talking about the shops they passed, about the shoes and the dresses and the purses she had purchased in them, but Sky was barely listening.
Her mind was slipping back to the dream, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.
She is sitting with Cody on a beach. The sand still holds the warmth of the day, even if the wind that blows from the sea is fresh and cool. The taste of salt and seaweed is crisp on Sky's tongue but the night is so dark she can barely see the waves that hit the shore - the sun has set a long time ago but the moon is not yet up and the only light they have comes from the distant, flickering stars. The water is ink black, and the only thing visible, are the white tops of the waves that crash against the rocky shore filling the night with a steady, heaving roar. It sounds like the sea is a living thing, the rhythm of the waves its breathing.
"My God, look at the stars," Cody sighs, his voice so silent that it's almost lost under the sound of the waves. "They're so bright. I've never seen anything like this."
"I know. It's gorgeous."
But instead of the black dome over their heads, she looks at him. Under the pale starlight, he is beautiful, more magical than any starry sky. His black and white features are like an old photograph, the wind is ruffling his black hair, making the strands dance around his face, his impossibly long eyelashes cast dark shadows on his cheeks. He is so handsome that it's almost painful. She could watch him like this for the rest of her life, and never get tired. The sharpness of his cheekbones, the soft curve of his full lips mesmerize her, they make her chest feel full and hollow at the same time, as if her heart is caving in on itself.
The stars dance in Cody's eyes when he turns to look at her, but those are not the same stars that are in the sky, they form constellations and galaxies Sky has never seen before.
"I wish I could make you see all this brightness," he says, a small smile playing in the corner of his lips as he reaches a hand and pulls some of her wind-ruffled curls behind her ear.
"I don't understand. What are you talking about."
"Nothing. Don't worry, all is well. All is so perfectly, damnably well."
But those are not his words, it's a book quote. Sky knows it because she is the one who once read those lines to him, a lifetime ago, and with that realization comes the painful truth. This is a dream. None of it is real.
And just like that, the dream shatters, the night disappears around her, and she wakes up in her bed, covered in cold sweat, and Cody is gone just like the night, like the waves, the stars that are like diamonds on the black velvet of the sky.
"Sky—" Yasmine's annoyed voice yanked Sky back into the moment. "Sky, are you listening at all?"
"Sorry, I'm just— tired. I didn't get much sleep."
Sky blinked and the remnants of the dream disappeared. The night wind and the starry sky melted into the bright sunlight. The stars in Cody's eyes died and Sky was back in the car with Yasmine, who was looking at her all funny. She had parked the car in front of the luxury dress shop, and Sky hadn't even realized they weren't driving anymore.
"Nightmares?" Yas asked, collecting her things.
"Yeah," Sky replied, even if the dream hadn't really been a nightmare. For once, she had dreamed about Cody without it ending with his blood in her hands. But somehow this dream made her feel even worse. It made the hole in her chest ache so that she could barely breathe.
"Come on, nothing cheers you up like trying on a gorgeous gown, or a dozen," Yas smirked and stepped out of the car, leaving Sky no room to argue. With a sigh, she opened the door and followed Yasmine.
But even as she crossed the sidewalk under the hot, bright sunlight, she could almost feel the cool breeze of the Mediterranean in her hair, caressing her skin. Something in her chest was beating slow and heavy, and Cody's words kept flowing through her mind as if he were walking right next to her, whispering into her ear. She could hear him so clearly that she had to turn and look over her shoulder to make sure he really wasn't there.
Don't worry, all is well. All is so perfectly, damnably well. Her throat was thick with tears, her chest ached painfully. All too well, she knew how that quote continued, even if she had woken up before he'd had a chance to finish it. Moments like this, I can feel your heart beating as clearly as I feel my own, and I know that separation is an illusion. My life extends far beyond the limitations of me.
Sky brought a hand over her heart, to feel the strange, slow, aching beat. It didn't feel like her own heart, it felt like something else, something long gone— With a gasp she pulled away her hand and forced herself to breathe in and out, in and out, trying in vain to calm herself. God, she was spiraling, she was flipping out of sanity. Cody was gone. It had been just a stupid dream, one she had only had because she had been reading Cloud Atlas and had fallen asleep with the book next to her head on the pillow. The words had flowed right into her dreams, making her lose her touch with reality. I believe we do not stay dead long. Find me beneath the Corsican stars where we first kissed.
Corsican stars.
Sky brushed the inside of her left forearm with the fingertips of her right hand. That was where she was going to get the tattoo, tomorrow. It had taken a lot of work to finish the design, to make it perfect, but she didn't mind. It wasn't like she was sleeping anyway, and what better way to spend the nights than this?
If only she could fast forward to tomorrow, and somehow skip this stupid dress-shopping.
That thought made her let out a resigned sigh as she followed Yasmine into the shop, and a small bell chimed somewhere to announce their arrival. Too late to have second thoughts now - she had promised to come shopping with Yasmine, and she just had to pull through, because that's what friends do.
Besides, Yas was right. She needed something to wear for the prom, in case Eli ever got to ask her. Which could very well happen tomorrow. They were going to spend time together first at the tattoo parlor and then having a cup of coffee— and now that Sky thought about it, it sounded an awful lot like a date, and she wasn't all that sure she was ready for it.
Her throat went tight with anxiety, and she pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans.
Yasmine was already excitedly greeting the old lady behind the counter, and Sky fell behind, hanging by the doors, glancing around the store a nervous pit growing in her stomach. Gods, this place was— intimidating. Absolutely beautiful, but in a way that felt like a punch in the gut.
All those sparkling dresses on racks and mannequins, the sleek silk, the fluffy tulle, long hems, spaghetti straps, mountains of lace and fabric, all the colors of the rainbow plus some Sky hadn't even been able to imagine, the high heels and tiaras on the shelves, the chandelier that looked like it was made of diamonds— She couldn't breathe, her chest was collapsing. All she wanted was black - black, starless night sky, black, roaring waves of the sea - and she knew Yasmine would never understand. This was a mistake, she shouldn't have come—
But she couldn't get the words out, and then Yasmine and their host walked her into a back room and sat her down in a luxurious, burgundy armchair, and before she knew it there was a champagne flute in her hands, a plate of macarons of all colors on the coffee table in front of her, and it was too late to do anything about it.
She grimaced and took a sip, just to realize it was real champagne in her glass, just as Yas had promised. Champagne that tasted just as expensive as the bottle of Bollinger Cody had corked for them that first night, on Halloween when he had taken her to his place, offering cheese and wine and they had talked about books all night, and—
She stopped that thought before it could go further. It hurt too much. Every memory of him now came with the bitter taste of regret, one Sky tried to wash away with another sip of her champagne. She sank deeper into the chair half-listening how Yasmine kept talking with the adorable old lady who was probably the owner of the store.
"And, I will be needing at least three different dresses for the wedding," Yas explained, making the older woman's smile grow wider. "One for the rehearsal dinner, and two for the actual day. A more formal one for the reception, and something extravagant for the party."
"That's wonderful, dear. I have some new arrivals I put aside just for you," replied the owner with a soft French accent - Sky was sure that woman had introduced herself, but the name had slipped off her distracted mind. Not that it mattered. Sky didn't see herself coming back here anytime soon, and even if she did, she knew that lady would never look at her like she was looking at Yasmine - with dollar signs dancing in her eyes.
"And my friend is looking for something gorgeous to wear for the prom," Yas said with a slick grin, turning to look at Sky. "It needs to be absolutely breathtaking. I'm thinking sleeveless, maybe spaghetti traps, a lot of glitter, and— it needs to be pink."
"Pink?" The eyebrows of the older lady shot up on her forehead, forming two very skeptical arcs as she observed Sky's features. "But the color of her hair—"
"Trust me, she can pull it off. Maybe not shock pink, but something softer. Old rose looks gorgeous on her," Yas went on, ignoring the death glares Sky was throwing toward her.
"Oh, well, let me see what we have. Just a minute," the owner sighed and disappeared into the next room, leaving Sky and Yas sipping their champagne.
Yasmine was looking at Sky with a grin on her painted lips, as she leaned back in her chair and crossed her long legs in one elegant motion. She looked like a fucking queen on her throne, flawless from her perfectly arranged curls to the tips of her black Christian Louboutin heels and Sky had never felt more out of place in her life.
"What?" Yas asked with a hint of annoyance. "Why do you look like you sucked a lemon dry?"
Sky took an angry gulp of the champagne, emptying half a glass in one swig.
"Pink? Seriously?"
Yasmine rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "Don't tell me you're still thinking about black? I thought we went through this already. It's not your color! And black dresses are so boring. If you want something that'll make Eli's jaw drop to the floor, you'll need to go bold. Black is the opposite of bold."
Sky felt her cheeks heating at the mention of Eli, and she hated the way her face betrayed her emotion.
"He hasn't even asked me yet," she muttered, turning her eyes down. "Maybe I'll just go with Moon."
"The only reason he hasn't asked you yet is that you're pushing him away. When's the last time you spent time with him alone?"
"Right," Sky muttered. She took another sip of her champagne, wishing the lady had left the whole bottle. Her glass was almost empty but she wasn't anywhere near drunk enough to try on anything pink. "Well, we're going… to spend some time together tomorrow. Me and Hawk."
Yasmine's sleek grin was back. She purred like a cat, taking a more comfortable position on her throne. "Oh, going on a date, are you?"
"No. I mean— I don't think so," God, this was embarrassing. "It's not like that. We're just getting tattoos, that's all."
"Tattoos? So he'll be shirtless, right?"
Sky choked on her champagne. Shirtless— Oh crap, she hadn't even thought about that, but fuck, fuck, fuck, of course Yas was right. Hawk would be shirtless, laying on the tattoo table with his gorgeous upper body in full display as Rico worked on the hawk on his back, and—
Jesus Christ. Maybe she could leave before that. Maybe Rico could start with her tattoo, and she could leave, right after it was done? She could tell Hawk she was feeling weak and then flee so that she wouldn't have to see all that lean muscle and smooth skin.
It was hard enough to go to the dojo with him almost every day, to see him working out and perfecting his kicks and punches, sweating through those sleeveless T-shirts that he threw away the first chance he got, showing off his toned upper body. Seeing him like that was a form of torture. Sky couldn't deny that she wanted him, wanted to run her hands down those muscled arms, wanted to feel the heat of his body on her own, wanted to taste the salt of his — but at the same time, those thoughts made her feel like she wanted to peel off her skin.
Sex with Hawk should be the last thing on her mind, and she fucking hated the way she couldn't shed those thoughts.
She didn't deserve to feel good, ever again. She didn't deserve this slow burn in her veins, the need to be close, she didn't deserve to breathe in Hawk's scent of cotton and steel and boy, so deep into her lungs that it would make her high. She didn't deserve to look at him like she wanted him, like he belonged to her. She didn't deserve to go to the prom, to wear a pretty dress, to be with the boy she loved, because what she had done to Cody was unforgivable. Nothing could change that. No amount of dreams where Cody told her Don't be sad, it's not your fault, or Don't worry, all is well. All is so perfectly, damnably well could make her feel less guilty when she laid her eyes on Hawk and wanted.
"So, what will you get?" Yas' voice dropped Sky back into the moment, and she forced away the distracting mess of her thoughts. "I mean the tattoo. And more importantly, is it something that will affect what kind of dress you can wear for the prom?"
"It's just… a small thing. On my arm. Nothing big." Sky tapped the inside of her forearm, and Yasmine's worried frown melted away.
"Well, good. That phoenix is already big enough of a problem," her nose scrunched up. It was no secret that Yasmine with her beauty pageant past wasn't a fan of tattoos. "I don't know how it'll look with a gown. Maybe we should cover it? I hear they sell special concealer for that—"
Her sentence was cut in half as the owner of the store returned into the room, pushing a wheeled rack that was stacked with dresses. Yasmine let out a delighted squeal and clapped her hands together, but Sky felt like someone had punched her in the gut.
The first gown on that rack was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.