Hey remember when I said the last chapter was the last chapter before things got exciting. Yeah, fun story, I can't count apparently. So enjoy this little nugget. The next chapter will require a seatbelt. Maybe even one of those harness things like in Emmett's Jeep. Actually, you might need one of the restraints like they use on really fast roller coasters. Sorry, not sorry.

The song for this chapter is Forever Young by Becky Hill. Remember that you can play along with the story on Amazon Music using the special web address below!

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CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: Forever Young
BPOV

"Are you going to tell us what happened when you went to see your dad last week?" I rolled my eyes at Edward's nagging.

"Sure, maybe in a few months. I've learned my secret-keeping from the best after all," I added lightly. He grinned at me and I felt myself smile back.

I could admit that I'd been in a funk the last week. Between the wave of grief that seemed to crest over me after listening to Charlie talk about my mom and the breakthrough moment of realizing that I wanted to spend eternity with Carlisle and acknowledging the cost of such a choice, I was exhausted and melancholy. Carlisle didn't ask after I'd come home and broken down in his arms. After establishing that I wasn't hurt or in danger, he gave me room to process what I was feeling. Edward, on the other hand, hadn't given me any such relief. He'd immediately started asking the next morning and a week later, it seemed that he hadn't let it go.

"Rosalie said you had a nice, albeit bittersweet, conversation with your father. She doesn't know why you were so upset. Carlisle says that you'll tell him -us -when you're ready but if it's something that has you this upset still, it has to be serious." I sighed and he fixed me with an unimpressed look. "Look, I know it has something to do with your mom because Jasper told me that you've been feeling a lot of grief. But I don't think that's all it is."

"There is literally no privacy in this house, is there? Between Jasper cataloging everyone's emotions, Alice looking into the future and your mind-reading, no one has any semblance of privacy or personal space."

"To be fair, you don't really have to worry about the last one," he reminded me, a slight furrowing of his brow betraying frustration for my immunity to his little gift.

"That's true but toss in that you all have superhuman hearing and it kind of negates that argument, doesn't it?"

"Bella." I looked up from the book I was pretending to read at the seriousness in his voice. He was watching me, all humor erased from his face. I didn't need Jasper's gift to see that he was concerned, no matter how annoying he was about it. My shoulders slumped and I leaned back into the couch.

"Go get Alice and I'll tell you guys what's going on," I mumbled as I scrubbed my hands over my face.

"Please, Bella, as if I didn't already know you needed me," Alice said from the stairs, startling me. "I saw as soon as you decided to tell him and came right down." I laughed humorlessly and fidgeted while she settled into her seat. We sat in silence for a minute while I tried to decide how to approach this conversation with them.

"You're right that I've been sad. And some of it is about my mom. I didn't realize until I talked to Charlie last week, but he still loves my mom. He's always loved my mom. I thought that he was… like everyone else. That he thought she was too much; too loud, too energetic, too flighty, too irresponsible. Even though she left him, I spent my entire life assuming that he was okay with her leaving. But he told me about how they met, how he fell in love with her in an instant. He told me that he didn't want to lose either of us but he didn't want to hurt us either and so he didn't try and make her stay or come back or anything. And he also told me that when Phil left my mom after she started cancer treatments, he offered to come help her… us. But my mom made him promise that she wouldn't. And I never knew that.

"I spent most of my life being the responsible one, taking care of my mom and making sure that the bills got paid and stuff. And when she got sick, it wasn't so bad because Phil was there to help shoulder the burden and to take her to appointments and get up with her in the night when the chemo was making her even sicker. But then he left. He said he didn't sign up for this, watching her die. And it hurt but not because I was sad he was gone. It hurt because now, I was the one who was getting her to appointments and treatments. I was the one staying with her in the hospital when she got sick because the chemo was killing her immune system. I was the one who held her hand through all of it, who tried to keep her spirits up, who helped pass the time as the cancer and the treatments sucked the life out of her. I was the one standing in the hall outside her room, or the bathroom so that she didn't have to see me crying. I was the one watching her die." My voice faltered as sobs choked my throat. Edward and Alice were immediately pressed on either side of me, holding me and rubbing my back and arms soothingly. I pressed a hand to my mouth, just like I'd done countless times in the hospital and at home, to try and hold everything inside.

"I went through all of that and I just found out that I didn't have to do it all alone. I didn't have to suffer in silence, by myself, exhausted and breaking. My dad would have been there in a heartbeat. He would have helped me shoulder that burden, would have spared me from having to watch cancer suck my mother's life and vitality from her body until she finally succumbed to it. I wouldn't have had to be alone, holding her hand while she took her last breaths, completely unrecognizable from the woman who raised me. Charlie could have -would have -been there to save me from that but my mom stopped him. She made him promise not to do that. She had the option to save me from all of that -to some degree -and instead she made him stay away so that those were my final memories of her. So I was as exhausted as she was. And Charlie! It probably killed him, knowing what she was going through, knowing that I was the one taking care of her and having to shoulder that burden alone!

"So I'm sad, yes. I'm sad because now I'm looking at everything in my entire life through different eyes. I feel so sad for my mom because I think she loved Charlie too but she couldn't stay here. And I don't think she was ever loved again the way she was loved by him. She spent her entire life settling. And I'm mad because it didn't have to be that way at the end. It didn't have to be her and I alone. It didn't have to be just me. But she made that decision for me and chose for me to carry that burden on my shoulders by myself." I stopped, sucking in lungfuls of air and attempting to calm myself down. Edward stared at me, pity in every line of his face and a hint of that signature righteous anger that he always seemed to carry. Alice was resting her head against my shoulder, curled up against my side.

"I know grief is a process but I feel like I've been flung into a pool and I can't keep my head above water," I admitted quietly. "I don't know how to get over this. How to forgive her for this. I feel like it could eat me up inside if I let it. But I feel… cheated. Like… my life could have been different; even just the last couple of years could have been so different for me. But I'm carrying things around now that I can't just get rid of and it's like a physical weight. Or at least now it feels like a weight. Sometimes, I don't notice at all. But knowing all of this changes everything in my head." I slumped against them and Alice reached out to hold my hand, Edward mirroring her.

"The hardest part of growing up," Edward murmured quietly, "is that your perspective starts to change. You mature and grow and things that didn't even hit your radar as a kid suddenly make sense in a way you never expected. It doesn't make it any easier. But you can't let yourself drown in could-haves and what-ifs. You will be miserable if you focus on all the things you wish had happened or that had happened differently. You can't change anything. I wish you could. I wish I could change it for you. But everything happened the way that it happened and there's nothing we can do to change that. I spent a lot of time after my change resenting my father. Living with Carlisle, experiencing the gentle way that he corrected and guided me, supported and praised me… my father was not like that. I hated that he was demanding and belittling, that he demeaned my mother just because she was a woman. That he was a living, breathing example of misogyny at its finest. I was letting it consume me until Carlisle sat me down one day. He told me that my father did the best he could. He did the best he could. Did he fall short? Yes. But he was who he was and holding him to Carlisle's standard was unfair because that's not who he was.

"Your mom did the best she could. She fell short and you suffered as a consequence. But she did the best she could." I wiped my eyes on my sleeve. Of course Carlisle could provide the context to help fix this. "Your mother loved you. I don't need to have met her to know that she loved you deeply. Knowing what you know now doesn't change that fact. But you can't change anything and even if you could, would you be the same person you are now? It's so easy to focus on what we've lost without thinking about what we would lose. Don't let yourself be eaten up by what your mother should have done. Love her for the good things she gave you and remember that she was a human with failings."

"I know you're being all wise and emotionally intelligent but I feel like maybe you should be a little more Team Bella right now," I teased. He laughed.

"I will always be Team Bella. But being on Team Bella means that if I can help save you from yourself, I will. In fact, I've never met someone who needs saving so often. You are a walking hazard." I punched his arm lightly, not in the mood to add a broken hand to this year's injury tally.

"You said this was only some of it. Is there something else you want to talk to us about," Alice asked quietly. I began to fidget with the hem of my sweater.

"Yes. Promise me right now that you will let me finish before you say anything."

"Promise!" They shouted together. I chuckled.

"Okay. So talking to Charlie was really nice. When he talked about how my mom made him feel, I realized that he and I are alike in more ways than I thought. The way he describes meeting my mom and what it was like being with her is exactly how I feel about Carlisle." I took a deep breath. "I know that when you guys came over to my house and told me about vampires and stuff that you had this expectation that I would just change to be with him. And I wasn't opposed to that, really. But it was also such a huge concept for me to wrap my head around and I don't think I really gave it the kind of thought that I would need to in order to make a decision about it. It just felt like a thing that I wouldn't have to worry about for a while and so I didn't need to think about the details or consequences or anything. But I realized after talking to him that changing to be with Carlisle means that I'm going to have to make Charlie think I'm dead. And it's going to break his heart. I don't think I'd ever really considered how much it's going to hurt him to lose me. And then one day, he will die for real and I won't be there for him when he does. And it breaks my heart to know that I'm going to do that to him." Tears fell freely from my eyes and I pulled my legs up to my chest. The sound of the front door opening and closing stopped Edward and Alice from responding. I looked up. Carlisle was standing by the piano, ochre eyes locked on me. He approached slowly, even by human standards.

"Edward, Alice, give us a moment," he said softly. Alice hopped up in that inhumanly graceful way she did. She was grinning as she skipped from the room, presumably to find Jasper. Edward kissed my temple and squeezed my hand before he got up, clapping Carlisle on the shoulder as he passed him. Carlisle didn't even acknowledge it. He knelt down in front of me. His eyes were full of heartbreak and hope, even as he kept his features schooled. He reached toward me achingly slowly before gently cradling my head in his hands, thumbs wiping at the tears on my cheeks.

"I am so sorry, darling," he said softly. "I had no idea you were feeling like this."

"You heard," I asked tearfully.

"I got home just after Alice came down. I was going to come in but I also didn't want to deprive you of the opportunity to talk about it. But I couldn't make myself leave. I've been so worried about you, Bella. I should have left and given you privacy but I wanted to be sure you weren't in danger."

"I should have told you sooner. I should have talked to you about it. I know you've been concerned and I should have just confided in you. I probably would have felt better sooner."

"Bella," he whispered and then hung his head for a moment. "I don't want you to feel like you have to sacrifice your father for my sake," he said brokenly. "I don't want you to have to give up anything just for me. I would never ask that of you. All of my children would readily tell you about the things that have been lost and sacrificed because I brought them into this life. Rosalie always wanted children and it has been a loss that she feels keenly, even after all this time. I don't want that for you. I don't want you to feel like you have to choose between me and your father. I will happily and readily stay with you forever with no expectation to become like me and that would be a life well spent." I sniffed, tears renewed. "You shouldn't have to hurt the only family you have left for my sake or because you think it's what I or anyone in this family wants. I just want to be with you in any and every way you will have me." I flung my arms around his neck, clinging to him as I sobbed into his shoulder. His arms held me securely against his chest, one hand moving slowly through my hair.

"I want to be with you," I whispered after I'd calmed enough to be understood. "I want to be with you forever, Carlisle." I pulled back as he made a noise of disagreement. "No, listen to me. I understand what I'd be giving up. Really. You think that your kids haven't already filled me in on the awful diet and constant temptation? You think they didn't tell me about how everyone you know and love dies? I know what it means. But when I think about the alternative, about not spending an eternity sharing every joy and sorrow and mundane happening with you? Not spending my nights with your arms holding me and your body pressed against me? Although, I guess in hindsight that wouldn't be how we'd spend every night since you guys don't actually need to sleep so we could probably do something else like play chess or go hunting or read or spend time with everyone else-" He pressed a finger to my lips, smiling. "Sorry, I got sidetracked. My point is that I don't feel like complete without you, Carlisle. I don't realize that I'm not taking full breaths until you're here and I can breathe again." My voice cracked and he pulled my head towards him, pressing our foreheads together and taking a long, deep breath. "I love Charlie but apparently when we love, it's with our whole being, forever. Hurting him is abhorrent to me." I leaned back, framing his face with my hands. "But not spending a thousand lifetimes with you is inconceivable."

He pressed his lips to mine, kissing me tenderly and urgently. I pressed myself against him and poured every ounce of emotion into the kiss. He broke away with a gasp.

"You know you can change your mind," he said and I shook my head.

"It's not a decision, Carlisle. It's a need: as fundamental as breathing." He peppered my face with kisses and I giggled. "You're stuck with me. Forever." His smile was blinding. He almost glowed with joy.

"When," he asked.

"Not for a few years, I think. I'd like to be a little closer to you in age." He laughed.

"Like that's possible," he scoffed.

"Can we come back and be happy now, too," Edward called from the dining room. Carlisle and I burst into laughter.

"Yes," I called and in mere seconds we were surrounded by the whole family, smiling, laughing and hugging us. I looked over at Carlisle as Alice and Rose began to verbally formulate a list of things we would need to do before I changed. His gaze met mine, almost as if he'd felt I was looking. He smiled softly at me, eyes bright with emotion. I smiled back at him, committing this moment to memory.

The day I gave Carlisle happiness he hadn't even dared to hope for.