Chapter 5 – The First Loss

July 25th, 2013

We made it back to the house Elliot and his family were staying in, but Cragen did not look good. His face was pale, and he was shivering despite how warm it was outside. We took him to one of the bedrooms where he could rest, and Melinda started cleaning the bite wound on his shoulder. I sat down on the opposite side of the bed and asked Melinda, "How does it look?" She eyed me worriedly, "He has a high fever, and the wound somehow already looks infected even though it's been less than an hour. We really don't know what we are dealing with causing the dead to walk, so I have no idea what to do for this wound."

Cragen spoke up, "Guys, stop talking about me like I'm not here. I'm going to die so stop wasting resources on me. Just please don't let me turn into one of those walkers."

I reached over and placed my hand on Cragen's hand, "Listen, Captain, we don't know that you're going to die. Let Melinda try giving you some antibiotics to see if we can stop the infection."

He looked over at me, "Liv, it's too late. I can feel that I am dying. You must let me go. Handcuff me to the bed so I don't hurt anyone."

Tears were filling my eyes now and I wasn't ready to let him go. This was my Captain and only father figure I ever had for the last 14 years. I should have had his back at the restaurant, and he never would have been bitten.

I think he could read my thoughts because he smiled at me and said, "Liv, this isn't your fault. Things happen that are out of our control even when we aren't in an apocalypse. Stop blaming yourself. Remember Liv, forgiveness can be the key to happiness even when the world is turned upside down. Promise me you will talk to Elliot."

I was full blown crying at this point. I gave him a hug and said, "Ok, Captain, I promise."

I got up and went to the bathroom to pull myself together and clean up a little. This house must have been hooked up to a well since there was still running water. I went into the living room where Kathleen, Dickie, and little Eli were sitting.

I smiled at them and said, "Hey guys. It's been a while. I hate that we are reuniting under these circumstances but it's good to see you again."

Kathleen got up and hugged me, "Liv, I can't believe you are here. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Kathleen."

Dickie just glared at me, and Eli probably didn't remember me even though I was the first to hold him when he was born.

El was standing off to the side and I heard him clear his throat, "Hey Liv, can I talk to you for a minute?" I looked over at him, "Um, sure." I wasn't sure I was ready to talk to him yet, but I did want to hear his excuse for ghosting me. We went to one of the upstairs bedrooms to have some privacy.

I stood in front of a dresser with my arms crossed waiting for him to speak first. He read my body language and knew I was pissed.

"So, how have you been?"

I glared at him, "We are going to make small talk now? You disappear without a word as though I meant nothing to you. You are only speaking to me again due to a chance encounter during the apocalypse and you want to act like we were just acquaintances that haven't seen each other in a while?"

I was trying to keep my tone cool and calm, but the anger was rising. I had suppressed these feelings the last two years and now it was all surfacing again.

"Liv, I'm sorry for not talking to you when I left. I was going through some shit and didn't know how to process it."

"No, El, you don't get to disappear without telling your best friend. You were the most important person in my life, and I thought I was important to you too. Why did you feel you couldn't talk to me about what you were going through?"

He sighed, "I was torn Liv. After the incident with Jenna, I felt lost. My first instinct was to come to you when it should have been my wife. I realized then that you meant more to me than just a friend or a partner. I drove to your apartment that night and I almost knocked on the door. Honestly, I wanted us to comfort each other so I know I would have done something I regretted. I decided then to leave NYPD all together. I could no longer see you every day without acting on my feelings. I couldn't answer your calls because I knew I would change my mind. I knew our partnership was holding you back in your career, so I thought walking away was best."

I didn't know how to react. What did he mean by feelings and doing something he would have regretted? I knew I had romantic feelings for El, but I was able to push them away so that we could continue to work together.

I swallowed, "You don't know what your leaving did to me. I was a wreck trying to figure out what I had done to you to make you leave without speaking to me. You made me feel like I was nothing and that the last twelve years was nothing."

He stepped closer to me and placed a hand on each of my shoulders. "That is so far from the truth. I left because you meant everything to me. I couldn't stop thinking about you and I…., I would have…., I would have cheated on Kathy if I had come up to your apartment that night."

I stared back at him, not really sure what to say. "You know I never wanted to be the cause of your marriage breaking up. I always told you to go back to your family. Don't blame me for you leaving."

"I'm not blaming you. I know it was selfish for me to leave the way I did but I can't change it. The universe has put us back in each other's lives again. I understand if you never forgive me for leaving, but I hope you will allow me to try and make it up to you."

My instinct was to hug him and tell him of course I would forgive him, but then the memories of the pain I felt when he left came back. "We do need to work together to determine next steps, but I cannot just forget how you left. It will take time for me to move on from that."

He smiled, "I'll take any amount of time I can spend with you. I really have missed you. Seeing you again, looking into your eyes, has me wanting to…"

My breath hitched and my heart was pounding as he started to lean in. Was he going to kiss me? The man barely touched me for twelve years, left without a word, and now was making a move after only reuniting with me less than two hours ago. I stepped back out of his grasp, cleared my throat, "El, I'm not ready to go there yet. There is too much going on and I haven't seen you in two years."

"I'm sorry Liv. I don't know why I did that."

I quickly started to head out of the room, "Let's get everyone together and figure out a plan."