"I will name my son after you"

Chapter 25

"Petty revenge deserves its own petty revenge."

"Gandalf, Mirthrandir, my second favorite Wizard, is this fetch-quest really necessary?" Whined Legolas after coming back to the castle for dinner.

He is now in Gandalf's designated study, sitting in one of the armchairs.

"Why of course it is, dear elf." Said the wizard, not unwisely and unsmugly from his own chair. "Otherwise I wouldn't make you do it."

"Somehow I doubt it."

"Gasp... are you insinuating that I, the great and powerful Gandalf the Gray, would waste your time on a pointless quest for my own amusement?"

"That is exactly what I'm saying."

"Blasphemy. I do not have time for such petty nonsense. I am Gandalf the Grey."

"No. You're Gandalf the Petty and Grey."

"Don't call me tha-hold on a second… did you just call me your second favorite Wizard?"

"Yes."

"...You can't be serious."

"I am very serious."

"That is hurtful, Legolas. You are hurting me."

"You gave me a mile long grocery list for a potion I'm pretty sure we don't even need. You can suffer a little."

"You're killing me Greenleaf. I am dying of sadness right now. Look at me, I'm falling over. Dead."

"Oh my god, Mirthrandir, you're not an elf, you can't die of sadness."

"Are you sure? Because I feel like I'm fading right now."

"Get off the floor Gandalf, you're embarrassing yourself."

"No. You've killed me."

"Are you actually serious right now?"

"Before I pass from this earth-"

"You're not dying, you're just being dramatic."

"-please tell me who is your number one favorite Wizard."

"Radagast."

"..."

"..."

"...really?"

"Oh, you're not dying anymore?"

"Radagast of all wizards?"

"What's wrong with liking Radagast?"

"Nothing, it's just that… It's Radagast."

"Why are you suddenly so antagonistic towards him? I thought you liked Radagast."

"I like him just fine, thank you. I just thought you had better taste in wizards."

"Dear Lord, that makes me sound like I'm trying to bed wizards, Gandalf."

"If you are, I regret to inform you that most of us don't swing that way."

"Oh my-It's the bunnies, okay? I like Radagast because he has those cute little furballs."

"...that's it?"

"Yes. That's it."

"You like Radagast not because he's a capable wizard or because his magic is impressive… but because of bunnies.

"I like bunnies and he has bunnies, it's practically a given."

"I know bunnies too."

"No you don't."

"You can't know that."

"A hobbit called Bunnella doesn't count, Mirthrandir."

"Rats."

"Sorry, bud."

"She does look like a bunny though, right?"

"Very much so, yes. Especially with the ear-shaped bandanna."

"Very cute that."

"Yes, very cute."

"..."

"..."

"...so what are your views on horses?"

"Love them. My father gave me a hundred for my birthday."

"What if I told you this specific horse, which is my dear friend, mine not Radagast's-"

"Oh my god."

"-is actually the king of all horses?"

"...you know the king of all horses?"

"I do indeed. Good lad, that one, very swift and reliable."

"Why do you know the king of all horses?"

"Why wouldn't I know the king of all horses? I'm a worldly man!"

"...ok, fair, but… how did you even become friends with the king of all horses?"

"It's a long and complicated story, one we definitely don't have time to talk about today."

"What I really want to know is what he thinks about humans… you know… riding and owning his people."

"We… didn't talk about that."

"Really?"

"For some reason it never came up in conversation."

"Strange."

"Indeed."

"..."

"..."

"What about eagles? You like eagles?"

"You mean the big flying chickens? They're okay I suppose."

"Please don't call them that."

"Please stop trying to weasel your way into being my favorite wizard, then."

"Alas, that I cannot do."

"Egads! Why?"

"Because I refuse to play second fiddle to Radagast of all people! Why couldn't you choose someone competent like Saruman? We wouldn't have this discussion if you just chose Saruman."

"Actually, Gandalf, we wouldn't have this discussion at all if you didn't give me that ridiculous laundry list of demands. Which I'm pretty sure was the original topic of conversation before this, even more ridiculous, derailment."

"Quite right, quite right. Well back to it then."

"Gandalf no- get off the floor you were doing so well."

"My body just remembered it was in the middle of dying so back to the unyielding floor I go."

"Eru only knows why you didn't just stay on the armchair but sure."

"Dying on a soft armchair is unbecoming of a wizard of my stature."

"Because the stone floor holds so much more dignity."

"It does in songs and stories."

"Like the one about your fight with the Balrog?"

"Precisely."

"'Gandalf the Gray dies of Sadness on a Cold Unyielding Floor', yes I'm sure it will be the song of the ages."

"Everyone will sing it. It will be in every inn and in every throne room."

"Eclipsing even Glorfindel's own victory against the Balrog."

"I'm sure he will get over it eventually."

"He has been beating that horse a little too much lately. I know it was a Balrog but come on, do something else already."

"Legolas when you say lately do you mean within the past month or within the past century?"

"Why are you asking, Gandalf? Aren't you older than me?"

"I'm just asking for clarification in case I need to tell someone who isn't… immortal."

"Right. Well if you must know, I meant the past decade."

"Ah."

"It's like he can't talk about anything else. Every day it's My Battle with the Balrog this and My Battle with the Balrog that. He never just comes by to say 'Hi' anymore."

"Hmm do you think that, perhaps, Glorfindel is trying to impress someone?"

"Who? Anyone he ever talks to already knows that story, five times over."

"Really? There are no new faces around?"

"N- Wait, hold on. Let me think."

"I know the look on your face, little Greenleaf, you remembered something."

"There was this new bard Elleth that came from Elrond's court."

"A-hah! And there you have it! Glorfindel is trying to impress the new fair maiden!"

"No way… Never thought he had it in him."

"He is over seven thousand years old," Gandalfd agreed. "It is about time he settled down."

"We're getting side-tracked again."

"A pity, I thought we will continue laughing at the Balrog Slayer's expense for a little while longer."

"Sorry, no dice."

"Should I continue dying then?"

"You can continue with the explanation of why you decided to give me that ridiculous list that you never started."

"Oh…"

"I'm still waiting, old man."

"..."

"Please stop pretending to be dead, that got old the first time you did that."

"..."

"Get up or I'll pull on your beard like I did when I was a baby."

"..."

"Eru help me, you are insufferable."

"..."

"Mirthrandir that's enough! You've had your fun, we had a few ha-has, and it was really hilarious, but now it's time to get serious, the fate of Middle Earth might depend on it!"

Unfortunately Gandalf remained lifeless on the cold stone floor, and Legolas finally decided he's had enough.

"Very well then. Have it your way."

So he got up from the armchair and made his way over to the wizard splattered on the ground like a bear skin rug.

Then he kneeled next to his head and placed his hand on his beard.

"I think, instead of grabbing whole fist-fulls of hair, like my younger self would, I'll do it one strand of hair at a time." He carefully chose said strand, one growing right under the wizard's lower lip and took it between his pointy finger and thumb. "Starting with this little beauty."

He can see the older man go very still in front of him, his elderly heart thumping a little harder to Legolas's keen hearing.

The elf smiles and begins pulling back the hair.

"I'll be slow and methodical." He says, keeping his voice soft and quiet. "Choose my targets wisely for maximum… effect."

It's then when the hair in his fingers is stretched to its full potential, slowly begging to pull up the skin.

"I promise it will be easier to just… admit the list is just a stupid way to get back at me because of the smoke ship I ruined a few days ago."

But the wizard made no such declaration, remaining completely still on the ground, though his heartbeat spiked once again.

"Come on, Mirthrandir." Legolas pulled on the hair a little more. "Last chance to save yourself from this pain."

Nothing.

Not one single movement.

"Very well then." And just like that, the elf archer yanked the hair out of Gandalf's face, evicting a yelp from the wizard.

"Ack!" Said wizard sat up suddenly, rubbing his sore chin with his fingers to try and ease the pain. "You evil evil elf, you actually did it! I didn't think I'd actually do it!"

"I do not make idle threats, Mirthrandir, you should know that already." Legolas rolled his eyes and pushed the wizard back down. "Now… where were we?" He then reached down towards the beard, only to have his hand stopped by another

"Wait!" The great and powerful (and petty) Gandalf the Gray squeaked out like a frightened child. "Please have mercy, Legolas Thranduilion."

The archer blinked, caught off guard by the use of his full name.

"It must hurt a lot if you result to using my full name, Gandalf." With one swift move he slips his hand out of the older man's grip and grabs another strand of hair. This time from the corner of his lips. "All the more reason to give me what I want."

"Gah, you really are your father's son, little Greenleaf." The wizard said through gritted teeth.

"I have to resemble him in some way, don't I?" He replied easily. "Now what will it be? Shall I shave your horrible, bug-infested and dirty, beard one strand at a time, or will you finally admit to your petty and illogical scheme?"

He can see the gears turning in the wizard's head as he calculates his desire to be the petty and vindictive, against his desire to not feel physical and emotional pain upon losing his beloved beard.

Eventually the physical aspect of the punishment won out and the wizard, albeit very reluctantly, relented.

"Fine. I admit it, Legolas." He whispered into his, still existing beard, as if trying to hide his admission behind the hair. "I was just being petty."

"No, no. Don't mumble." The archer pulled at the strand he was holding. "Say it louder."

"Fine." The wizard whined. "I did it because I was being petty. Are you happy now?"

Legolas smiled and let go of the hair he was holding hostage.

"Clearly." He replied and stood up, offering his hand to the silver haired wizard. "Now come on, get up."

Gandalf takes his hand and lets himself be pulled to his feet, upon which he immediately dusts himself and tries to smooth out his beard by petting it down.

It didn't help.

Nothing sort of a miracle will, at this point.

"You're a barbarian, not a prince." The wizard grumbles at him, clearly still displeased.

"Oh stop it, you're the one who escalated it to this degree." Legolas rolled his eyes. "At least now I know for sure that the list I was given was nothing more than petty revenge by a petty man."

"Well…" Came the reluctant correction from the wizard. "Not… entirely."

The archer paused and then slowly turned towards him.

"What?"

"Let me explain." The wizard held up his hand to stop whatever else was going to leave the elf's mouth. Which was probably nothing fit for polite company. "Most of the items are pointless… but there are a few that I do actually need to make the potion to teleport you back."

"...Are you serious right now?" Legolas squeaked and pulled out the three mile long list he was given. "Which ones?"

"Oh not a lot… just ten."

"Ten?!" The archer screamed. "This list is longer than the road to Mordor, and only ten things are actually important?!"

"Essentially." Mirthrandir said, puffing that infuriating pipe again.

"You really are the worst, Gandalf."

"Admit it, I had you going for a bit there." The wizard said, smiling that cheeky little smile of his, and giving him an equally cheeky wink.

Legolas responded very elegantly and eloquently.

By throwing the list at his face.