WhIP Chapter 183: ONE PIECE SI 1, a +anima fanfic

Surely Some Star Binds Me To You

Aachria

Summary:

I turn around, and slam my forehead into the deck as I fall to my knees. "Please, god, I know the last time we talked I told you to suck an egg but what the actual fuck. What did I do? Is this because of the gay thing? I'll stop I swear I'll knock it off just please—"

"What are you talking about? Why were you swimming all the way out here? What's with your weird clothes?" The Boy, whom I refuse to name on principle, starts rapid fire shooting out questions while wiggling his way across the tiny boat to me.

"This is actually happening. Oh my god this is real, what the shit…" I turn around from my position on the floor to see The Boy crouched inches from my face. I give an undignified yelp and scramble as far back as I can without tipping over the edge.

He gives me that bright grin and announces "I'm Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!" Then he cocks his head to the side. "Who're you?"

Notes:

Blacked out during my break at work and now this exists. Posting this because what's the point of just having it sit around and rotting in my Drive?

If there's spelling errors no there isn't. Just enjoy this shitshow and I'm sorry in advance that it's written in first person POV because ik some people hate that shit. It's also self indulgent as hell and the language I use is fucking ridiculous.

That's all I got. Please enjoy, and if you don't hate it then stick around.

Updates every Sunday.

(See the end of the work for more notes and other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter 1: Chapter One: I'll Stay Right Here With You

Summary:

Sun - Two Door Cinema Club

Did…

Did I just die in a Dominos parking lot?

Notes:

I have literally never posted anything on AO3 despite using it for like... 4-5 years? So idk what the hell I'm doing. If you notice some weird shit up with like the text or something just let me know.

Car accidents and a bit of drowing (and death. Obv.) abound!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

You know the worst part about this whole fucked up mess? It was a normal day. A normal ass day.

I woke up, middle of the afternoon, with drool all over my face not knowing what century I was in. I made myself mediocre instant ramen with the intent to sit around all day hating myself. Normal goddamn day.

A normal day where my stupid ass decided 'gee the weather sure is nice, maybe I'll go for a walk to the Dominos down the street for lonely dinner!' So I put on a pair of black cargo pants and a yellow flannel shirt I got from my dead grandpa (hey, if it works it works) grabbed my wallet, keys and phone and went on my merry way.

What a fucking joke. That accursed Dominos is, I shit you not, a three minute walk from my front door. It is a proverbial hop skip and a jump away. If you thought 'what the hell could go wrong in less than three minutes?' Then you're the idiot god played for a fool. Yes I thought the same thing. Shut up.

Normal day. Normal day where I took my normal route through the parking lot of a shitty suburb plaza to get to the normal shitty kinda-not-even-that-good Dominos for a sad lonely 'congrats no one cares what you do' dinner.

Normal day where some stupid motherfucker in a red Honda civic who's insurance is about to go way through the roof goes speeding into a normal parking lot at decidedly not normal speeds to body slam normal me hard enough that I went fucking flying.

Normal me then smashed head first into the concrete and everything went black.

—

Did…

Did I just die in a Dominos parking lot?

…

FUCK

Of all the ways to go? Really? I know I've never been super stoked about being alive and sure, I've crossed the road a couple times without checking for cars, and yes , I have been more than a little reckless with my mortality in the past few years but really?

This sucks. I had plans this week. I had a book I wanted to finish, a YouTube video I wanted to watch, a show I wanted to binge, four new songs queued up in my playlist and that's just it?

And now I float towards the warm embrace of death. Fucken balls. Is this the part where I go to hell? Why does it feel… cold?

Better question, why does hell feel like drowning? I don't remember this part of Dante's Inferno. I actually don't remember any of Dante's Inferno so that's not surprising, but I honestly thought that going to hell would burn more?

Beyond the sting of what feels like salt on my eyelids and in my nose it mostly just feels like swimming in the ocean.

Wait, am I still supposed to hurt while I'm on my way to hell? Because I can feel a steady pressure building in my lungs and there's a dull ache in my everything.

I tentatively open my eyes and OH BOY IMMEDIATELY REGRET THAT SLAM THOSE FUCKERS SHUT THAT'S DEFINITELY SALT WATER MAYBE THIS REALLY IS HELL—

Wait, salt water?

I start thrashing violently, feeling my heavy limbs move sluggishly through the water I'm apparently submerged in. I'm trying desperately to kick to a surface that for all I know doesn't even exist, I grit my teeth and reopen my stinging eyes.

Above me I can see faint light, a surface just beyond my reach. I swim up as fast as my heavy clothing and tired limbs will let me.

Maybe I'm not actually dead and I just got slammed by that car hard enough that I fell into the pond? That's across a whole street? And definitely not this deep, who am I kidding I have no idea what's going on—

I'm paddling and paddling, my lungs feel close to bursting and the light is getting brighter and brighter.

Aren't you supposed to go away from the light at the end of the tunnel? Whatever.

I can almost taste the fresh air and feel it on the tips of my fingers when a dark shape seems to pass over me. Big enough that it's at least twice my size and roughly an oval, it drifts right past my head and I finally break the surface.

That first breath of air almost felt heavenly. The first thing I notice is that it's goddamn bright up here, and 'up here' seems to be in the middle of a goddamn ocean.

"FUCKING HELL!" I yell amidst the splashing and heavy breathing. I'm not gonna last long just treading water in the middle of the ocean, I'll either get too tired to keep it up or the sun will cook me or I'll get eaten by something horrible—

Basically shit's not looking so good. I'm seconds away from bursting into hysterical tears over here.

"What're you doing?" a boy's voice asks me. I whip my head around and see what looks like a small dinghy, probably the shape that passed over my head. The boy has a messy head of black hair and is wearing a red vest thing, he's half hanging out of his shitty dinghy and is staring right at me.

"Drowning, can't you tell?! Help me up!" I gargle out while shimmying through the water to him. I grab onto the side of his boat and start trying to haul myself in. He grabs me around the waist and somehow uses his skinny little twig arms to swing me ass over teakettle onto the floor of his vessel.

"Good lord you're stronger than you look. Where the hell am I?" I ask, looking around at the miles of water surrounding us on all sides.

"East Blue," he answers, titling his head like a curious puppy.

I snort. "Cute, what hemisphere are we in?"

He makes a face. "Hammer-what? You're weird."

He bends down to grab something out of the bottom of the boat and shoves it on his head, a bright yellow straw hat with a red ribbon on it.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's at this point I make that crucial connection. I look this weirdo up and down, take in the crescent scar under his eye, his frankly ridiculous getup, the shitty dinghy, and that damning straw hat.

I take a deep breath.

I turn around, and slam my forehead into the deck as I fall to my knees. "Please, god, I know the last time we talked I told you to suck an egg but what the actual fuck. What did I do? Is this because of the gay thing? I'll stop I swear I'll knock it off just please—"

He gives me that bright grin and announces "I'm Monkey D. Luffy! I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!" Then he cocks his head to the side. "Who're you?"

I do the only thing I can do. I pass out.

—

Unfortunately, I wake up. I wake up with an eyeful of the beautiful blue sky and think maybe, just maybe, I had a weird near-death dream after getting bodied by a car and I'm just on the ground in the parking lot.

"Are you awake now?"

Scratch that shit I'm still in hell. I groan and roll over onto my stomach, hands wrapped around my head like it'll make The Boy (who should not be here I should not be here—) disappear.

"Please for the love of all that's sacred and good, tell me you're a hallucination," I mumble through my hands

"Shishishi, nope!"

My god he's got the laugh

"What're you doing now?"

I pause half hanging off the boat to turn to look at him. "Hold for a minute please," I say pleasantly.

Then I shove my head underwater and start screaming. A lot. With curse words. I come up for a breath at some point so I can keep screaming. Pretty cathartic, I'm not going to lie.

Once that is out of my system I pull myself back into the dinghy and turn to face The Boy with a smile. He's still staring at me with that blank dumb grin.

There's no thoughts behind those eyes, are there?

I take a deep breath. "Sorry, where were we? You're Monkey D. Luffy and you're gonna be King of the Pirates, right?"

His face lights up in this huge grin ( dammit he's got the smile) and he starts laughing again. "Yup! Now who're you? And why were you swimming all the way out here?"

"Uuuuh…"

Shit shit shit I gotta come up with a name, something cool and not totally stupid—

"E. D. Domino."

FUCK THAT'S SO STUPID WHY DID I SAY THAT.

"You can just call me Ed."

Did I just accidentally give myself the D. initial? What is wrong with me? And DOMINO? REALLY?

"Cool! Why're you out here?"

Fuck, why am I out here?

"Dude I have no idea."

He's not gonna buy that.

"Fair enough!"

HE BOUGHT THAT. WHAT IS THIS GUY?

I take a quick look at the horizon. "So uh, where exactly are we? In relation to nearby islands I mean."

Might as well commit to this shit, the hell else am I gonna do? I've got enough basic knowledge of this world outside the plot that I should be able to avoid painful death or fucking shit up too bad, right?

"We're about a day away from Dawn Island uuuuh, that direction!" he tells me with a smile, pointing in what I'm certain is just a random ass direction.

I slowly nod. "Right. Cool. So, what's the future King of the Pirates doing in a dinghy? Isn't that kinda… below your station?"

He just gives me this scandalized look. "I had to start with something! It's better than just a barrel."

That I cannot argue with. Wait, doesn't Coby find him in a barrel?

"It's my dream! What's yours?"

Fuck I forgot everything in this crazy place runs on dreams like Peter Pan's fairy dust. "Let's come back to that one."

"Ok! What do you do?" he asks, bouncing on the spot.

I scratch my jaw with a squint. "In general or as a profession?"

He rolls his eyes like I've just said something dumb. "I meeeean what's your thing? What do you do that's cool?"

This motherfucker. "I mean I like to read? I know a shitload about all kinds of stuff in this world. I could tell you all about the Grand Line and the crap in it."

His eyes light up like I just told him it was Christmas. "Really?! You know all about it just from reading?"

Technically true? "Yup. That and good old fashion detective work, sussing stuff out from rumours and such."

He starts waving his hands around. "Waaa! So you're a detective!" Meh, if it ain't broke don't fix it. Time to commit hard.

I puff out my chest and point at myself with my thumb. "Damn right I am! I'm a first class detective! As for my dream, it's to solve the greatest mystery of this world, I'm gonna find out what the One Piece is!"

Is that aiming high enough? He likes wild dreamers right? Somehow his eyes start sparking even more.

Yeah I think I've won him over enough to hitch a ride to some random island and spend the rest of my days avoiding this shit in bliss.

"Join my crew!"

FUCK ABORT ABORT—

"I don't know about that one Chief," I say, sounding much calmer than I am.

He gets this sad kicked puppy pout on his face. "But why not? I'm gonna be King of the Pirates, so I'm gonna find the One Piece! That means we're going to the same place!"

Goddamnit this kid is charming. What nutjob rolled him a 20 in charisma, huh? Not fucking fair.

I gather my strength and the strength of my ancestors to turn this sweet sweet boy down when he turns the puppy dog eyes up to the max and damns me to hell with a "please?"

Goddamnit. Goddamnit goddamnit goddamnit—

"Ok." I'm going to die an excruciating death. And I am going to suffer massive amounts of pain. Because of this boys stupid fucking puppy dog eyes.

But…

But he flashes me a huge gummy smile and I feel something in me melt. "Yeah. Ok, sure." Maybe everything will just work out? Maybe his main character plot armour will rub off on me enough that I'll actually survive to see the One Piece—

Then he launches himself at me and sends both of us tumbling into the water in a tangle of limbs and indignant squawking.

"GODDAMNIT—"

—

It takes every ounce of strength in my body and panicked recollections of my lifeguard friend's half-assed lessons in 'how not to drown with people', but I manage to pull myself and the rubber boy wonder back into the dinghy.

He throws his head back and laughs, wet hair plastered to his face. "Wow! I really thought I was gonna die that time!"

I whip my head around to hiss at him like a wet angry cat. "It was your fault, idiot!"

He just giggles in response. Little shit. I pull off my worn and creased-to-high-hell combat boots and dump the excess water out of them over the side of the boat, all while maintaining eye contact with the entirely unapologetic boy.

"Do you have any kind of plan at all?" I ask him, knowing damn well he doesn't.

"Not at all!" he says with an unworried grin.

I hate being right.

The sun is getting low in the horizon, to the point where the distant ocean is turning a vibrant orange. The water really does stretch out as far as the eye can see. I guess they never mention how… desolate sailing can be.

"Why's your face doing that?"

I'm jolted back to the present by Luffy snapping his fingers in my ear. "Doing what?" I ask.

He makes a face, "this! It was getting all scrunchy like you were thinking too hard."

Observant fucker… "Don't worry about it, Captain." The title seems to distract him from my temporary melancholy.

Fuck man, it's just hitting me. I died. Probably. There's not really a way for me to check per say… But I'm pretty sure that last crunch I heard was my skull, and I'd rather not get shoved back into my body to check.

It's actually kind of sad how fast I'm adjusting to this. Getting isekai'd into an anime is something that happens in other anime and like, fanfiction or something. Not to actual people, and certainly not to me.

Oh god, what are they gonna do with my body? Is my mom gonna give me an open casket funeral? That would suck major ass. I don't want people staring at my corpse.

Wait, do I have a corpse? Or did my body just like… disappear in a shower of sparkles?

Shit, my mom. Oh her kid just bit the big one. This is gonna suck for her. Now I feel terrible for not feeling terrible that I don't have to watch that.

"You look like you're gonna start crying," Luffy pipes up again, now sitting close enough he could rest his head on my legs if he leaned forward.

"Not gonna cry," I say, desperate to believe my own words.

"You can if you wanna, not like there's anyone else out here to judge you." This boy is smart and cunning and evil and—

And is watching me break down crying in the shitty boat he dragged me into.

Fine. Ten… Ten minutes. I'll be sad and mourn for ten minutes. Then I stop.

It actually ends up being closer to half an hour of relentless crying, and by the end Luffy really has migrated to basically laying on my lap.

My eyes are puffy and have had enough salt water in them to last me months, but they are well and truly done crying.

"Are you done being sad now?" Luffy asks. The tone he uses implies that it would be fine if I was still being sad, it was just a genuine question.

I shove his hat down over his face. "Yeah, now let's get you that crown."

Then I take in the fact that it is very much evening and the temperature is very much dropping and I am very much still semi-damp. "Or we could huddle for warmth and get the One Piece… tomorrow. Or next week."

He laughs, but just shoves himself into my side as I scooch further into the belly of the dinghy. I feel like it should feel weirder how fast this dude is getting touchy feely, but mostly I'm just appreciative of the contact.

"Yeah, tomorrow sounds good."

Notes:

Ahhhh here we go. I've got like ten chapters prewritten so consistent updates should happen every Saturday/Sunday for the time being. I work full time and write most of this on my breaks so if I ever need time to catch up on chapters hopefully the head start will give me lil bit of a cushion.

Hope you're in for the long haul fuckers, this is gonna take a while.

Chapter 2: Chapter Two: A Beam of Light Comes Shining Down On You

Summary:

I Ran (So Far Away) - A Flock of Seagulls

Yeah. Uh — there's a whirlpool behind me. So that's good to know.

Notes:

SURPRISE MIDDLE OF THE WEEK CHAPTER BITCHES!

Yeah I got sad so here. Two chapters a week probably won't be the standard, but we're just starting so I'm exited.

Also me getting the first validation from the internet for something I made ever? Slay.

Also I appreciate the comments sm but I'm about as good at replying to them as I am to text messages. Please know I see you and I love you I just don't know what to say T-T

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"How old are you?"

"18."

"What's your favourite colour?"

"Yellow."

"Favourite fruit?"

"…Peaches?"

This has been going on for way too long.

I have been in this absolute shitshow of a universe for maybe… 10 hours? 8 hours of which was spent unconscious. He's been non-stop asking me icebreaker questions like the beginning of some partner project. I've just been throwing out answers while trying to remember what the hell is supposed to set us off onto adventure.

Can't remember if it's a small hurricane or a whirlpool… Isn't he supposed to get his shit rocked immediately after leaving Dawn Island?

"What's with your weird haircut? And why is only part of it green?"

"It's called a mullet. And it's not weird! You sound like my mother. You know she had the same damn haircut when she was my age? And it's only part green because I dyed it a few months ago and haven't had the time to touch it up."

"What's that thing you're screwing with?"

"It's called a phone, it's like a Transponder Snail but better. Only mine doesn't work anymore."

And probably never would again. After my unwanted swim in the ocean my precious baby is nothing more than a brick of glass and metal. Rest well sweet prince.

I tuck the poor sucker into one of my pants glorious pockets and continue to take stock of what I have. Besides my wallet, full of money that would probably be virtually useless in this world, I just have a stick of gum I forgot I had and my keyring, complete with the shitty pen knife I'm currently fiddling with.

I look up at Luffy while he pokes at my keys. "Anyways, you got a family?"

He makes a thinking face before brightening up. "Yup! I have Gramps and I guess Makino and Dadan, and my big brother Ace!"

My face slides into a smile. "Big brother huh? He a Monkey D. too, or is he a more pick-your-own brand of family?"

I already knew the answer to most of the things I had asked him, but making sure I had a reason to know some of the shit I knew wouldn't hurt.

Luffy's entire face brightens up further. "We're not blood brothers, we swore it on some sake! So he's my brother in all the ways that matter. He's no Monkey D. though, his name's Portgas D. Ace!"

I feign a look of surprise. "Portgas D. Ace? Like Fire Fist Ace, Second Division Commander of the Whitebeard Pirates?"

Luffy looks a little confused for a second but just grins wildly. "Yeah that's him! What's a Whitebeard?"

God this kid is so cute and so stupid.

I idly pick at my nails. "Whitebeard is an Emperor from the New World. That's the second half of the Grand Line."

Luffy flops back into the dinghy. "Waaa, it's got two halves? How many Emperors are there? Is he super strong?"

This dumb boy is incapable of asking things one at a time, isn't he?

"Yup, two halves. There's four Emperors, and yeah they're all hella strong. You're gonna have to train for a long time if you wanna fight 'em." Please god if I've just accidentally set this idiot on the warpath to the Emperors early I'm going to boil myself alive—

"Ok! I'll just wait to fight them later then!" he smiles.

I genuinely can't tell if that was a bullet dodged.

I give him a look full of trepidation. "Any other famous family I gotta worry about?"

He scratches his chin, looking off the side of the boat. "I thiiiink my gramps is a big deal in the Marines?"

I stare him down. "How big a deal exactly?"

He just shrugs while I massage my temples. "Please tell me when you say gramps you aren't referring to Monkey D. Garp. As in Garp the Fist, Hero of the Marines."

He just flashes me a smile. "Yup that's him!"

I just mumble under my breath, "No fucking wonder you're crazy, with genes like that." And that's only the half of it!

He juts out his lip at me. "So do you have a family then?"

I make a face. "Yeah, I've got my mom who I mentioned earlier. My dad and her are divorced so I, uh don't see him as much. I also have an older sister but um… we don't talk much."

Please don't pry into that one right now, use that emotional intelligence you obviously have—

"Cool! What's your favourite type of meat?"

Back to square one.

I massage my temple. "Crab. Hey Luffy, I don't suppose you've seen any crazy weather yet, have you? Like big twisters, a freak hurricane, or like a whirlpool?"

"Like the one over there?" he asks, pointing past my head.

Yeah. Uh — there's a whirlpool behind me. So that's good to know.

"Huh. Yeah like that." I turn back around to my silly companion and lunge. "LUFFY WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?" I scream, trying to squeeze the life out of his scrawny rubber neck.

"Thought you knew!" he chokes out, seeming completely unbothered by the violence.

Ok, how the fuck am I gonna get outta this one? You can't cram that many monkeys in a barrel, and only one of us has the genes for it anyways. Regardless there's only one barrel in the boat, so do I just… swim and hope for the best?

"Ok, get in!"

"What?" I turn to look at the fool and see that he's dumped all of the barrels contents across the floor of the shitty dinghy and is gesturing for me to enter the thing.

I give him a flat and desperate look. "Luffy, hon, we're not both gonna fit in that."

He just shakes his head at me like I said something stupid again. "Yeah we are! I'm rubber so I'll just like… bend or something!"

I hate that that makes sense .

"Fuck it, this or die." So I cram myself into the barrel. Top ten things I never thought I'd be doing this week.

So I'm curled up in a barrel. I will be the first to admit that I am a lanky motherfucker that's mostly legs, so this isn't exactly what I'd call comfortable. And I'm not even claustrophobic! I like tight spaces! Luffy doesn't seem to give a single shit about any of that though.

He shoves himself into the barrel right along with me, slamming down the lid behind him. Heedless of the elbows and knees shoved into my gut and armpit I try to catch Luffy's eye in the darkness of our shared space.

"Hey Luffy?" He makes a questioning noise. "If we're stuck in here for a long time, please don't eat my corpse. I think you can get salmonella from eating raw meat, and I don't wanna be your first foray into cannibalism."

His dumb laugh sounds like a gun discharging in the tiny space. "You're so dumb! I'm not gonna eat you, stupid. As your Captain I promise!"

"Yeah of course, the Captain of the barrel we're stuck in. How could I forget," I respond drily.

"You forgot?! Did you swallow too much water when you were drowning or something?"

"Luffy."

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

"But—"

Then the rocking starts. And by rocking I mean the violent thrashing that sends our tiny vessel spinning through what I can only assume is the epicentre of the goddamn whirlpool we are stuck in.

I'd like to say I took it like a champ, maybe laughed in the face of the danger before us. I'd be lying. There was a fair bit of screaming coming from that tiny barrel, and none of it came from the future King of the Pirates.

—

I couldn't tell you how long it took for the freak weather to stop. I also couldn't tell you how long we drifted around in that stupid goddamn barrel. Mostly on the grounds that I was A) incredibly nauseous, and B) basically blind with nothing to ground me but Luffy's dumb rubber arms and legs wrapped around my torso.

I can tell you I finally noticed when we were no longer rolling around in the waves when Luffy suddenly, without warning, flung the top off our 'ship' yelling about food or naps or something.

I lunge immediately out of the barrel taking in gulps of fresh air. "FREEDOM!" I holler into the ceiling. I spend a good solid minute reacquainting myself with the concept of light.

After that I take in the scene around me, mostly the pink haired boy staring at Luffy with something akin to horror or awe, maybe a healthy mix of both.

"Good lord, how long were we in there?"

"Too long! I'm hungry!"

Then some random assholes start yelling at us and Luffy starts yelling back, there's brief fighting but I don't even bother listening. I just keep my eyes on Coby as he starts freaking out.

Then Luffy's crazy ass grabs me by the back of my shirt and starts tumbling through the halls of the ship, with Coby chasing after us. "Where the hell are we going?" I mutter, trying to get my feet under me and failing.

"Food!" Luffy responds with a grin. He, using what I can only assume is his food-only GPS, guides us to a tiny storeroom where he immediately starts pigging out.

"How the fuck did you — Actually nevermind."

I quickly snatch up an apple or two before he can demolish them all. Coby is still panicking up by the door. "Um… Sorry, it was Luffy? And I didn't catch your friend's name…"

"E. D. Domino. Just call me Ed," I say through mouthfuls of apple. Why the hell was I sticking with this dumbass name you may ask? Simple. I'm quite stupid and I like to stick to my guns.

Luffy laughs, trying to fit as much fruit in his mouth at once as he can. "Yeah! I'm the Captain and this is my First Mate!"

Hold the fucken phone WHAT.

"WHAT?!" I whip my head around to stare at Luffy, who seems completely oblivious to the insane shit that just came out of his mouth.

"What?" he asks around a mouthful of apple.

I frantically wave my hands. "Nope. No. Pick someone else! The First Mate is supposed to be almost as strong as the Captain, and I'm weak shit. You gotta choose like… a swordsman or something, c'mon!"

He immediately shakes his head and gives me the 'you're dumb' look again. I'm seriously starting to get sick of it. "I don't want a swordsman as my First Mate. I choose you, dummy. I'm the Captain and I get to decide!"

It hasn't even been 24 hours, how have I fucked this up so much already? Dear god, how do I fix this…

I think Luffy and Coby continue to chat in the background but I'm more focused on the maelstrom swirling through my head. I have to make Luffy realize he's being more stupid than usual.

Zoro is supposed to be First Mate of the Strawhat Pirates! Zoro, who they're going to meet next. Zoro, the cool strong awesome swordsman who is much better at his job than some scrawny idiot who's only combat experience comes from accidentally socking their friends in the face by gesticulating too vigorously when talking!

I zone back in when I hear Coby start yelling about his dream. "You really wanna be a Marine?" I ask, taking another apple.

"Yeah!" he shouts back immediately, before clocking that it was me who asked this time and gets an embarrassed look on his face. "Uh — I mean, yeah. You probably think that's pretty stupid though, huh?"

I shake my head and take a bite of my fruit. "Nah. S'not stupid. But it will be hard to be the kind of Marine you're talking about. It's a system that is, at its core, corrupt and rotten. But if you think you can do it, fucken go for it."

Coby's face makes a fun transition through white to green to red before he seems to settle in a determined expression. "I'll be a great Marine! I'll help people and take down bad guys! One day I'll even capture Alvida—"

Then the damn wall collapses. I'm probably gonna have to get good at pulling off dramatic entrances like this, huh?

"What was that you brat? You'll capture me?" a gravelly voice calls. Good lord that woman is… Oh there's no nice way of putting this. Rotund. She looks over Luffy and I and muses, "guess you're not the Pirate Hunter Zoro, then. Coby! Who is the most beautiful woman on the seas?"

Talk about a confidence problem, needing little weirdos like Coby to give her self worth. "Who's the fat lady?" Luffy blurts. Fuck, I forgot he has no tact!

As Alvida starts losing her shit, Luffy grabs onto both me and Coby and vaults the three of us out of the hole in the cabin onto the deck.

I'm getting surprisingly used to being hauled around like a suitcase. It's actually kinda fun.

Luffy starts beating the actual shit out of the pirates on deck while me and Coby just kinda… cower off to the side. People are going flying and a stray sword almost impales me and Pinkie Pie's malformed offspring.

"Watch where you're throwing those things!" I yell, immediately shrinking back under the pirates' intense stares.

Isn't Nami supposed to be on this ship somewhere, stealing something?

Honestly, it's one thing to read or watch Luffy's batshit powers when it's fiction. But watching this boy bend and stretch in unnatural ways is… pretty disconcerting. "What… are you?" I hear Coby mumble beside me.

"I'm a rubber man!" Luffy hollers, cracking his fist into some poor schmuck who got just a little too close.

"A Devil Fruit then?"

Christ on a cracker, for a large woman Alvida sure is sneaky. With a pair of pathetic squeaks me and Coby both scramble across the deck to hide behind Luffy. Hey, he's my Captain. I'm allowed to do this shit!

He straightens up in front of us and puts his hands on his hips. "Yup!"

She narrows her eyes. "Hm. How interesting. You a bounty hunter then?"

Luffy just laughs. "I'm a pirate!"

Alvida finds that funny, going by her amused smirk. "All by yourself?"

Luffy turns just enough to reveal me still hiding behind him. "Shishishi, nope! Me and my First Mate! We'll get the rest later. Like… ten more guys. Yeah."

Don't drag me into this you lunatic!

Coby seems to agree, since he starts begging Luffy to leave before pausing. "No… you're the ugliest thing on the sea!"

Oh boy maybe she does need people calling her pretty all the time, if that's how people talk to her.

For the record, I don't support body shaming or fatphobia in any way. Which is why what I'm about to say is entirely in reference to her personality. "YEAH, FUCK OFF YOU UGLY BITCH!"

Well if our goal was to piss her off it sure fucken worked. She takes a wild swing at us with her iron mace which Luffy takes TO THE HEAD. "Nice try, but I'm rubber!"

Luffy rears his arm back far beyond what should be natural for any kind of anything, rubber or not, and sucker punches Alvida so hard she rockets off the side of the ship

"Hot damn," I whistle.

Luffy reels his arm back in and gives us a grin before turning to the pirates. "Hey! Get Coby a ship ready! He's gotta go become a Marine!"

The lingering pirates immediately start scrambling to do just that. Then, as if invoking their name drew them right to us, the Marines themselves appear. And as always, they show up to ruin the fucking day.

Cannon fire splashes into the surrounding water and I turn to Coby. "If we just chuck you onto the ship maybe they'll make you a cabin boy," I suggest.

His eyes bug out of his head. "Are you crazy?! They'll just capture me like I'm a pirate if I drop in like that!"

I shrug and make a 'what can you do' gesture. "It's that or we drop you off in a basket on the steps of Marineford—"

"Here we go!"

"Wait what—"

Luffy bodily hauls the two of us over the side of the ship onto another goddamn dinghy, and as we splash onto the ocean my eyes catch on a head of orange hair and a pair of bewildered brown eyes.

Oh. There she is.

Before I can even call out to her, though I wouldn't, we're shooting off in the shitty boat away from the Marines as fast as it can carry us.

—

"That getaway should not have worked."

But it did.

"Shishishi, that was awesome!"

Of course Luffy thought so.

Coby still looks incredibly shaken. "So… you two are going to the Grand Line then?"

Luffy throws his head back and laughs. "Yup! That's why I need a super strong crew, plus my detective!" I'm so glad he needed to specify that I wasn't part of the 'strong' requirement. "You mentioned some Pirate Hunter, what's he like?"

Coby raises an eyebrow. "Zoro? Last I heard he was detained in a Marine base…"

Luffy sighs, disappointed. "So he's weak then?"

Coby immediately rushes to his defence and says some crazy shit about him, ranging from being a cold blooded killer to being a monster in disguise. This kid has one hell of an imagination…"Why do you ask?" he finishes.

Luffy just smiles. "Figured I might as well ask him to join my crew!"

Oh thank god, my saviour is abound! I start clapping. "Yes! Great idea! Sounds like the kind of guy you should make your First Mate!" I say enthusiastically.

Luffy gives me another of his 'you're stupid' looks again. "Don't need him for that, but a Pirate Hunter sounds neat!"

Coby starts to very vocally protest everything about that plan. "Please reconsider! He's like a demon! But worse because he's real!" Wow his voice gets shrill.

I shrug. "If you want my opinion, I don't think the guy actually sees himself as a bounty hunter. Seems like the type to just beat up people wherever he goes and somehow always ends up collecting the bounties."

Coby grips at his hair, face going purple. "That doesn't make it much better! He's a murderer!"

I level a blank look at Coby. "Dude, we're pirates. Murder is in the job description."

Oh wait fuck that's true, am I gonna have to murder people? I don't think I'm ready for that moral head fuckery. Huh, Coby looks seconds away from hyperventilating. I should probably try to diffuse that.

…

Nah.

"To Shell Town then?"

"To Shell Town!"

" No!"

Notes:

And there we go! My impatient ass went 'if have chapters... why not post chapters?' and then I did. My strategy of always looking like an underachiever is failing already.

In totally unrelated news, I've gotta wear these rubber slip ons with steel toes at work because safety reasons, and now when I walk I sound like a clown. Like imagine you're just working and in the distance you hear an ominous *squeak squeak squeak* as I approach. Horrifying.

Chapter 3: Chapter Three: Things Have Changed For Me

Summary:

That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed) - Panic! At The Disco

"Hey," the man's voice calls out to us from across the yard, "get lost. You're being an eyesore." And there he is. Crucified on a post, my saviour. If I call this a Jesus cosplay am I going to go to actual hell this time?

Notes:

Listening to Panic! At The Disco in the year of our lord 2023? Unfortunate yes.

It's Zoro time baybye! I never know what to put in the notes, but I feel like I gotta say something. Also the amount of serotonin I get whenever someone comments on this? Unfathomable?

Remember homies, gun violence.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Coby's sailing ability makes up for something that just me and Luffy had been sorely lacking. Sailing ability. I'm being very truthful when I say I've only even been on boats maybe five times in my life. Former life. Unlife? Whatever.

On precisely none of those trips was I in charge of rowing, steering, navigating, or had any kind of responsibility whatsoever. The closest I've gotten is kayaking, and I was very bad at that.

Apparently whatever the fuck me and Luffy were doing before was a 'mockery of boatmanship' and 'entirely unbecoming of pirates' but I much prefer the term Fucking Around and Finding Out.

So yeah, Coby in all his nautical glory managed to steer our happy asses to Shell Town with minimal issues.

I place a solemn hand on Coby's shoulder. "Yaknow what Coby, even if you never become some hero of the Marines, you'll always be a hero to me."

He just levels a blank stare at me. "Was that actual sarcasm or is your tone just naturally that dry?"

That has no good response so I just hop out of our dinghy and start making my way onto the dock, looking over my shoulder to stare at Luffy, "Food?" I prompt. He hoops and hollers as he scrambles after me.

It only takes Luffy 30 seconds to get fed up with my pace before he latches onto my arm and starts tugging me in a direction I'm sure his food-homing-radar has picked something up on. Coby and Luffy are chatting while I take in the scenery around us.

"Hey is that guy Zoro around here?"

I'm forced back to reality (or whatever this bullshit is) by all of the people around us jumping back and cowering at the mention of the swordsman.

"Maybe avoid mentioning him around here…" Coby murmurs as we keep walking.

Luffy shrugs, grabbing my hand to drag me as I get distracted by some shiny looking trinkets. "Let's go to the Marine base then!"

"From what I've heard the man in charge around here is named Captain Morgan—" Once again the townspeople around us recoil in fear. Wow, I knew this guy was an asshole but to invoke such a visceral reaction…

"Haha, this place is super weird!" Luffy laughs as we reach the imposing gates of the Marine base. Luffy's crazy ass immediately climbs up the wall shouting, "hey there he is!"

Coby starts freaking out while I try to join Luffy up on the wall, only struggling a little bit. Sue me, I can't climb walls.

"We could totally untie that guy."

Even when I agree with him he sounds like a lunatic!

"No way! He would probably just kill us!" Coby shrieks.

Luffy just smiles. "Nah, I'm super strong," he says nonchalantly. If nothing else he's got the confidence…

Coby falls from the wall in sheer shock, but I just look over his pose and muse, "that cannot be comfortable on the legs," which gets a laugh out of Luffy, so I consider it a win even though the glare Zoro is sending our way intensifies significantly.

Then a ladder slams onto the wall beside our heads. A small girl climbs up it, shushing us on her way, and scuttles across the yard to Zoro's tied up body.

Coby is still freaking out from where he's scrambled back beside us, but me and Luffy are just staring at Zoro and this little girl's interaction.

He's shooting down all her attempts to offer him the rice balls she's made but I can almost see in his eyes just how much he wants the damn things. He's been up there for like what, three weeks? Fucker must be hungry.

Then Captain Morgan's stupid crouton of a son comes sauntering onto the scene with a cocky grin and a call of, "what do you think you're doing in here?"

To be fair, I think Helmeppo is pretty cool after Garp gets his hands on him and beats him into shape. But right now good god do I want to sock him in the face.

His mean ass rolls up and snatches a rice ball out of the little girl's hand with a, "don't mind if I do!"

Honestly watching his face screw up as he realizes they were made with sugar instead of salt is almost worth listening to his posturing. He starts screaming and stomping the rice balls into the ground.

"Guess you didn't see the notice! Anyone caught helping a criminal will be executed, signed Marine Captain Morgan! Seems even little girls fear my dad," he says snootily after he finishes hacking.

"He's… Captain Morgan's son?" Coby mumbles from beside me.

"What a dick," I grunt. Helmeppo then proves my point by ordering his man to toss the little girl over the wall, which he reluctantly does.

As her body goes flying past us, Luffy jumps up and snatches her out of the air, safely delivering her to the ground. While Coby's fussing over her, Luffy starts making his way over the wall with me on his heels.

The Marines and Helmeppo have vacated by the time we amble across the yard.

"I hear you're a bad guy."

Roronoa Zoro, still crucified on a post, looks up at Monkey D. Luffy. "You're still here?" he huffs.

They exchange a few words but I'm just looking the man up and down.

"He probably won't keep his word, you know." His sharp eyes dart over to me and I can't help the involuntary shiver that runs down my spine. Good lord this guy is intense. "You're still here 'cause you're a man of honour. He isn't." Zoro scoffs but doesn't say anything in response. I scrunch my nose. "Ok, if that's how you're gonna be."

I tug Luffy's arm to prompt us into walking away, but Zoro interrupts. "Wait! Before you leave," we turn back to him, "…can you pick that up for me?"

I gaze down at the ruined disgusting rice ball as Luffy scoops it up in his hands. "It's mostly mud, you sure?" Luffy asks, making a face at the muck. Wow, finally found something Luffy won't eat.

"Yes! Now hand it over!" he barks back, mouth wide for the rice. Luffy just shrugs and shoves it in. We listen to him hack and cough through the sugary mess before he finally seems to settle. "It was good. Thanks for the food."

I just smile. "I'm sure she'll appreciate that. See you later, Roronoa Zoro."

With that, we cross the yard again and use the rope the girl left behind to climb back over the wall. And by that I mean Luffy climbs over it and I struggle much more than is strictly necessary before Luffy gets fed up and swings me over himself.

I can almost hear the smirk on Zoro's face from behind us but hey, I never claimed to be smooth or athletic.

—

Following the girl, Rika, as she introduces herself, we eventually arrive at the exterior of a restaurant. We slump down on its stoop and listen to her weave a tale about brave Pirate Hunter Zoro saving her from a rabid goddamn wolf Helmeppo's psycho ass kept as a pet.

I nod seriously. "Yup, seems like a nice guy. First Mate material for sure." Everyone shoots me looks of various levels of disbelief and I just shrug.

Then we hear Helmeppo's shrill annoying voice come screeching out of the restaurant. When we peek our heads in he's harassing the waitstaff and making a general nuisance of himself. The woman serving his table is slowly approaching, shaking hands clutched around a bottle of wine.

I put a hand on Luffy's shoulder and pass to intercept the woman. I put my hand over hers on the bottle and shake my head, before turning to Helmeppo and his assortment of Marine pals.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," I announce. The table goes quiet for a second as my request hangs in the air.

"Hah?" The smarmy little prick smirks up at me. "Do you any idea who my father is—"

"The right to refuse service," I interrupt him. He looks almost shocked I was willing to cut him off. "It's a labour law. I figured as a Marines' brat you'd know that, but are you going to need me to spell it out for you?"

His face turns an interesting shade of purple as he jumps up from his seat and spits out, "who the hell are you?!"

I just dip in a dramatic bow and smirk at him. "E. D. Domino, detective. At the people's service."

I'd like it on record that I have no idea what I am doing.

Honestly I could give less of a shit about this restaurant or the people here, but disrespecting service workers just really eats at me, yaknow? And if nothing else I have Luffy to punch this asshole in the face if he gets too uppity with me.

And honestly, who can fault me if I have a flair for the theatrical? I'm in another fucking universe right now! I get to indulge a little, right?

"Now you wily onion headed son of a bitch, are you going to leave or am I gonna have to ask again?"

This will be the first of many moments I wish I had a camera in this world, the indignant look on his face… perfection.

"You wanna end up like Roronoa Zoro?! Huh?! I'm gonna execute him tomorrow and make an example out of him for you!" The smug look he adopts gets almost immediately punched off as Luffy comes in with a wild swing.

"I've decided!" he announces as Coby tries to hold him back from Helmeppo's prone and howling form. "I'm gonna ask Zoro to join my crew!"

And then he'll become First Mate and I'll be off Scot free!

"And I'm not gonna make him my First Mate!"

Goddamnit.

—

"I'm gonna go talk to Zoro now!" Luffy calls to me and Coby as he jaunts off.

"Fucking — Luffy! Wait up!" I turn to Coby and his alarmed face, "I'll go get him, gimme a minute," then start jogging after his goofy ass.

I finally manage to catch up to him as he's climbing over the Marine base walls. "Running off without me to talk to weird swordsmen, what's wrong with you? Take me with you when you're gonna do fun stuff," I bitch as we walk across the yard.

Luffy gives a sunny smile and bumps his shoulder into mine. "Shishishi, sure if that's what you want!"

Zoro doesn't seem to notice our approach, deep in thought, until we're right in front of him. His eyes shoot open and latch onto Luffy, entire body tensing before he recognizes us and sags back down. "You again? Do you have nothing better to do?" he asks tiredly.

I shake my head. "Nope."

Luffy turns up his nose. "I'll untie you, but only if you promise to join my pirate crew!"

I am fucking amazed this approach worked on so many people.

"Hah? No way! I'm not a damn criminal!" Zoro spits out incredulously.

Eventually.

"C'mon! What's wrong with pirates? You're already known as a vicious bounty hunter," Luffy whines.

Zoro glowers at us. "People can say whatever they want. I've never done anything I regret. I'll make it through this challenge, then accomplish what I want."

Luffy hums. "Mmm, I don't care. I've already decided you're gonna join me!"

Zoro's eyes bug out of his head, then he turns to me with this look of 'what the hell' plastered across his face. I give him a commiserating smile. "Yeah, he's always like this."

Luffy just gives a proud smile and nods his head. "I heard you're pretty good with swords, s'that true?" he asks.

Zoro glances between us. "Yeah, but that son of a bitch took my stuff."

Luffy appears to think for a second. "Ok! I'll go get it for you! So if you want it back you gotta join my crew! Shishishi!"

Zoro makes some truly wonderful squawking noises and protests as Luffy runs off giggling to the base.

Zoro turns to me with the most bewildered expression. "What the hell is wrong with him?"

I just shake my head and deadpan, "I've got no clue. I'm gonna try to untie you now." While I start tugging at the ropes and looking for loose knots I can feel Zoro scrutinizing me. "Dude, I know I'm super hot but if you wanna keep staring I'm gonna start charging you," I snark.

Zoro sputters. "No! You damn weirdo! You know they'll kill you for this? Besides I only have ten days of this shit left."

I snort. "Yeah right, they were gonna kill you tomorrow." His eyes widen and I give him a disappointed look. "Oh don't act so surprised. I told you he wasn't a man of honour." Zoro stays quiet as I step back from the stupidly well tied ropes to dig my pen knife out of my pockets. Then there's a loud crash from the other side of the Marine base. I pause for a second then shrug. "That was probably Luffy."

Coby comes running across the yard at that point. "Ed! I came to help!"

I sigh, flipping my knife open. "Oh wonderful, you get his arms. I'm gonna try to saw through this shit."

"Seriously, just leave!" Zoro yells again. I roll my eyes and keep trying to cut the rope with my tiny ass three inch blade.

"They would have killed you anyways! When Luffy heard he punched Helmeppo in the face. These Marines… they really are honourless!" Coby glares at the ropes he's trying to untie. "They're after him now. He's trying to save you, so I hope you'll help him."

Zoro stays silent.

"End of the line! For the crime of treason against me, I sentence you to death!" the voice of Captain Morgan calls from across the yard. We all turn to look.

Haha. Fuck. I'm starting to think me and Coby should get our ears checked, if huge groups of people can keep sneaking up on us like this.

That's a lot of guns pointed at us. Morgan is ranting about some self important shit or other but I just turn back to the ropes with another roll of my eyes and keep hacking at them with my annoyingly dull knife. "This is fucking ridiculous," I mutter under my breath.

"Fire!" I hear yelling behind me, and turn to see Luffy land in front of us and catch all the bullets in his body before shooting them out.

"What the hell are you?" Zoro breathes out.

Luffy just turns and grins. "I'm Monkey D. Luffy, and I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!"

Zoro keeps sputtering. "King of the — are you goddamn crazy?"

I just laugh. "He is. But he's also dead serious, and he can do it too."

Luffy throws his head back and laughs. "Damn right! Thanks, First Mate!"

I turn to glare at the rubber idiot. "No! Pick someone else dumbass!" Luffy rolls his eyes at me and Zoro makes a confused noise.

Luffy shoves the three swords he carried down in Zoro's face. "I got you what I promised! I didn't know which was yours so I grabbed 'em all!"

Zoro cranes his neck back to avoid a scabbard to the nose. "They're all mine, I use three sword style."

Luffy's smile widens. "Hm, well if you fight now, you're gonna become a criminal. So it's either that or die here execution style!"

Zoro huffs. "Whose son are you, the devils? Fine. If it's die here or become a pirate, I'll join you."

Luffy starts whooping and cheering. "That's great Luffy, now help me with these piece of shit ropes!" I grit out as I switch to the tiny scissors in the penknife.

"The hell is taking you so long?" Zoro complains.

I glare up at him. "This knife is very dull and the scissors are very small! Stop yelling at me, ingrate!" Zoro growls at me, honest to god growls. "I don't have to take this from someone crucified like the second coming of Christ—"

"I think I made the knots tighter?" Luffy sheepishly laughs from my left. Both me and Zoro turn to glare at him.

The Marines start charging towards us with swords out and Zoro yells, "just give me a damn sword!" Coby is screaming and I'm angrily shutting my knife.

Luffy tosses all three swords at Zoro's face. Faster than I can follow, all the ropes slash to pieces and a clang sounds as Zoro blocks every attack.

Holy shit that was cool.

Zoro holds the Marines in a stalemate. "I'm officially a criminal with this. So I'll be a pirate, that I promise. But I'll say this now, the only thing I dedicate myself to is my ambition. I'll be the world's greatest swordsman! If you ever get in the way of that you better accept responsibility, and apologize by splitting your own stomach!"

"World's greatest swordsman? Sounds great! Nothing less would do for the King of the Pirates crew!" Luffy responds.

"The King of the Pirates should accept no less for a First Mate too," I mutter, looking pointedly at my stupid bitch of a Captain. He just scrunches his nose and sticks his tongue out at me. Real fucken mature.

"You better duck," he announces, then rears his foot back and whips it around, taking out a whole swath of soldiers.

"Seriously, what are you?" Zoro asks through the hilt of his sword.

Luffy runs into the remaining crowd fist swinging. "Shishishi, I'm a rubber man!"

Zoro nearly spits out his sword. "A fucking what?"

I just shake my head at him. "Devil Fruit," I say like an explanation. He squints at me with a face of 'that didn't help at all' as Luffy shoots past us to throw a punch at Morgan.

He starts beating the actual crap out of the axe-handed asshole, but I have to stop watching when I hear a click at the side of my head. I turn and stare down the barrel of Helmeppo's gun. "Ah."

"Hold it Strawhat! Look over here!" Helmeppo yells triumphantly.

Luffy continues to punch Morgan until Zoro calls his attention over. He pauses his beat down temporarily to look up at me. We make eye contact and I just offer a small smirk. He smiles back.

I turn back to Helmeppo, still smirking. "Better make that shot count. Don't miss," I taunt. His already shaking hand starts shaking even more at my apparent nonchalance. Which is a good thing, since I'm freaking out so bad internally I might just cause myself a hernia.

Too bad he isn't telling me to sing the Sofia The First theme song. I could crush that.

"Hear that ya idiot? Ed isn't scared of you!" Luffy laughs as he starts winding his fist up and taking a few steps forward.

"Stop moving! I swear I'll shoot!" Helmeppo shrieks.

Luffy does not, in fact, stop. Even as Morgan rears up behind him ready to lop his head off, he whips his arm forward to punch Helmeppo in his smug face. Again.

I see Zoro stop Morgan in his tracks as Helmeppo falls beside me. I snatch his falling pistol out of the air, only fumbling it a bit as I try to figure out if this damn thing has a safety and shoving it into my waistband.

I hear the Marine troops start cheering and celebrating as I trot up to the boys. "Geez, everyone hated his ass, huh?"

"Guess so…" Zoro mumbles, then falls to the ground with a groan. "Fuuuuck I'm hungry!"

This dude…

Notes:

Woo chapter three! We are steadily chugging along.

It's so fun to write Zoro when he just has no goddamn clue what's going on. Good for the soul. Also Ed getting a weapon! That can only end well...

Also fun fact, I was actually great at kayaking.

Chapter 4: Chapter Four: It's Like Sharing a Dream With Someone

Summary:

The Fall - half•alive

"Our pirate adventure is finally starting!" Luffy proclaims, looking out across the water.

"I get the feeling some crazy shit is waiting for us," Zoro muses.

"You have no fucking idea," I mumble. He just smirks at me.

Notes:

Yeah me updating in the middle of the week again... I do what I want.

Me: I don't have an addiction problem
Also me: If I don't get the dopamine rush from posting I'll die

This chapter brought to you in part by my friends who can now read this fic because they got AO3 accounts specifically to read it. If you're reading this; your mom xoxo

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

We find ourselves in Rika's moms restaurant once again, this time for a post battle victory meal. It's a good thing this is being paid for by gratitude, since I still have precisely zero currency that can be used in this world… I should probably fix that at some point.

"I'm stuffed! After three weeks I was ready to eat my own shoes." Zoro sighs.

"You're done already?" Luffy asks while still stuffing dishes in his mouth.

"Your appetite fascinates me," I state as I pick at my teeth with a toothpick. I give him a curious stare. "Have you ever actually digested a plate?"

He scratches his chin and thinks for a second. "Maybe..?"

I nod. "Fascinating."

"Thank you so much for the food," Coby says sheepishly, turning to Rika's mom.

She just laughs. "My pleasure, you saved our town after all!" Then she turns to give me specifically a smile. "And for stepping in earlier."

I wave a hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it. Helmeppo just needed a good kick in the balls to get his ego bruised. Maybe he'll make something of himself now that he's out of his dad's shadow."

Maybe these people will one day even be proud to say Helmeppo-the-Marine is from here. (In a long long long time when they've forgotten absolutely everything about Helmeppo-the-brat.)

"You're so strong and cool!" Rika awes at Luffy.

"Yeah I know! I'll be even more amazing when I'm King of the Pirates, and have the best crew!" he grins back.

"Speaking of that, how many others are there?" Zoro asks. Me and Luffy both hum in question. "Your crew, you said you were still gathering it. So how many others are there, besides us three?"

"Just us!" "Yeah it's literally only the three of us," me and Luffy reply at the same time.

Zoro's face twists into a look not dissimilar to Luffy's 'you're dumb' face. "Do you at least have a ship?" he asks desperately. Luffy's grin widens as he points out the window to the craptastic dinghy we stole from Alvida. There's a moment of silence as Zoro contemplates his life choices. "Please say you're kidding."

Luffy tosses his head back. "Shishishi, nope!" I can see the urge to jump ship (metaphorical, since we only have the dinghy) flash across his face.

"I think Luffy's missing the part of his brain we need for critical thinking…" Coby mumbles from his seat.

I give him a commiserating smile. "It's cute you think he has a brain at all."

"Luffy, where are you going now?" Rika asks, tugging on Luffy's arm.

He flashes his signature grin. "Isn't it obvious? We're headed for the Grand Line!"

Juice sprays from Coby's nose as he starts hacking and coughing. "Are you crazy?!" he wheezes out. "There's only three of you!"

I raise a hand. "2.5 at best. I'm like, barely a whole crew member."

Luffy makes a displeased noise and Zoro just raises an eyebrow, I simply shrug in response.

Coby continues losing his shit. "You're not equipped for the Grand Line! There's a reason they call it the Pirates Graveyard!"

Luffy just laughs and shakes his head. "That's what Ed's for! My super smart First Mate detective knows all about the Grand Line, so we'll be just fine!"

I give him the stink eye for use of the title. "Luffy I'm smart, but even I can't save you from your own stupidity."

Zoro barks out a laugh. "Well if the Captain says we're headed for the One Piece, guess we have no choice." He turns to Coby with a raised eyebrow. "Why are you worrying so much anyways? It's not like you're coming."

Coby's face scrunches up, "I know! It's not like we've known each other for years or anything, but… we're friends aren't we?"

Luffy cocks his head with an easy smile. "Yeah! We might have to part ways, but we'll always be friends!"

Coby's face takes on a red hue. "I've never really had friends, much less anyone who would fight on my behalf… but you guys taught me to live for my beliefs! So I'll make my dream come true, and join the Marines!"

"Shouldn't you be a little more worried about yourself then?" Zoro pipes up. "You did spend two years on Alvida's ship, even if it was just as a cabin boy. Never underestimate the Marines' information gathering skills." Coby's face falls.

A little inspiration couldn't hurt.

I turn to Coby. "Hey," I call. He makes a questioning noise. "Become an admiral or some shit. And be a decent one." I poke him on the forehead, where one day he'll sport a cross shaped scar. "Serve your own justice, not whatever trash they're selling it as these days. You stay dedicated and nothing'll stop you from joining, and becoming a top-class Marine."

His expression is a cross between confused and determined. "What—" Coby's response is cut off by the door swinging open and a Marine officer striding in.

"Pardon me," he stops in front of our table, "I have to ask, are you really pirates?"

That was faster than I thought.

"Yup! We're up to three members, so the whole thing is official!" Luffy proclaims. First order of business after this should be beating some lying skills into this rubber weirdo.

"Hm. Seeing as you saved this town, we are very grateful for what you've done. But as Marines we cannot allow pirates to stick around here any longer." He sucks in a breath, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave this town. But out of respect we won't be reporting this to headquarters."

There's noises of shock and protest outside from the crowd, but Luffy just hops up from his chair. "Time to go then, thank you for the food!" Me and Zoro fall in line behind him as we start to walk out.

"Aren't you part of their crew?" I hear behind me. "Hey! Is he with you or what?"

Luffy turns and smiles. "What I can tell you is what he's been doing up till now."

Oh brother, I don't wanna watch this.

I grab onto Luffy by the scruff of his neck. "We don't really know the shrimp, we kidnapped him and forced him to take us here. You can have him," I say, almost bored.

"Wh—" Coby starts.

I cut him off. "Can it kid, I'll punch you in the face again."

I should write a book: The Art of Lying.

"Annoying brat wouldn't shut up about being a Marine the whole fucking trip too. If nothing else, he's sure got a pair on him," I finish.

Luffy gives an enthusiastic nod. "Yup! Random guy we kidnapped! And he was never on a pirate ship!"

I give him a long stare. "...We'll be leaving now. Have fun with him."

The Marine guy knew Luffy was lying even when he beat the shit outta Coby, just general lying should have the same effect right?

Plus saves Coby a beat down.

I turn to give Coby a wink, then we make our way out of the restaurant toward our ship.

"I wouldn't be surprised if they saw right through your act," Zoro says.

I shrug. "Even so, I think it'll all work out."

"Eh, it'll be fine. Coby can handle himself!" Luffy starts unmooring our boat while I hop inside.

"It's a fitting way to leave, though. Not being able to come back 'cause everyone hates us. Very pirate-like," Zoro muses.

"Hehe, exactly!" Luffy laughs back.

I roll my eyes with a smile. "I'm not gonna argue."

It's actually a little refreshing, not having to be perfectly polite to everyone I meet because I'll probably never see them again. I am going to be such a dick.

"Luffy, Ed!" Coby's voice calls from where he runs up behind us with Rika and her mother. "Thank you! I'll never forget everything you've done for me!" He snaps into a salute while the three of us smile.

"Never seen a Marine thanking a pirate," Zoro chuckles while he climbs onto the tiny boat.

"Kick ass while we're apart!" I order.

"Let's meet again sometime, Coby!" Luffy cheers while we start to pull out of the harbour. The rest of the Marines file in behind Coby and salute as well. "See ya!" Luffy calls.

"Men! Seeing as our current salute is in violation of Marine law, we will all go without food for three days!" the Marine officer yells.

"That's stupid! Just run laps or something!" I yell back.

The officer looks bewildered then yells back, "then we will run laps instead!"

"Our pirate adventure is finally starting!" Luffy proclaims, looking out across the water.

"I get the feeling some crazy shit is waiting for us," Zoro muses.

"You have no fucking idea," I mumble. He just smirks at me.

Luffy plants a foot on the front of the ship. "I'm gonna be King of the Pirates!"

Zoro reclines into the weathered wood. "You seem pretty set on this King business. You got a special reason?"

"Nope. No reason. It's just…" Luffy trails off, staring out across the water.

"Just?" Zoro prompts.

"Promised someone, a while back. I swore I'd gather a crew, find the world's greatest treasure, and become King of the Pirates." He turns back to smile at us. "And this straw hat knows the whole story!"

The both of us smile right back at him. "I see," Zoro murmurs.

"I'm sure that's not the only one it knows either," I muse, draping my arms across the side of our boat.

Luffy laughs. "Alright, now let's go! Set sail for the Grand Line!"

Here we fucken go.

—

There we did not fucken go.

I'm already starting to miss Coby's sea competency. Between the three of us we almost make up one full sailor, but not a single person on this damned vessel could navigate their way out of a wet paper bag. In fact, I'm not sure we could navigate out of a parking lot.

But that's beside the point. We're basically just drifting around waiting to find an island or something interesting. I specifically am waiting for a gigantic bird to snatch my Captain away and set us in the direction of Orange Town.

Right now I'm looking over the gun I snatched from Helmeppo. My understanding of guns is perfunctory at best — as far as I can tell it's some kind of flintlock pistol, which fits with the pirate era aesthetic.

But beyond that, I'm pretty sure most flintlocks during that time period were single shot. And this thing has enough for a half empty round in it, and I didn't steal any more bullets.

So conserving ammo is something I'll have to commit to, and keeping track of how many shots I have left will be paramount. With four bullets left in this thing I damn well better make 'em count.

"Hey Zoro," I start, tucking my pistol away and turning to the dozing swordsman. He cracks an eye open and hums to let me know here's listening. "Is your teeth enamel like… ok?"

"What," he deadpans, sitting up with both eyes open now.

"Like because of how you hold your sword. Your jaw strength has to be goddamn crazy, but are your teeth still… teeth?" He honestly looks seconds away from lunging across this boat to slap me. Maybe I should stop.

…Nah.

"Like do you have a built in groove in your teeth from constantly holding shit in there?" I continue. His snappening looks like it's edging closer with every word. "Real talk, can I take a peek inside your mouth, just for a second—"

Zoro cuts me off. "If you don't shut the fuck up right now I am going to toss you overboard."

The look of dead seriousness is enough to make me back off. But the burning desire for knowledge still remains…

The boat returns to silence, save for the tune Luffy is humming at the front of the tiny ship. I'm just resting on my crossed arms taking in the view. I had never spent a lot of time near the ocean growing up, but I can definitely see why people retire to Florida now.

"Neh Ed, are you a girl or a boy?"

My relaxed posture immediately stiffens up before I forcefully untense the muscles. I turn to my Captain who is simply staring at me with that wide-eyed curiosity he seems to view the whole world through. I can see Zoro peek his eyes back open out of the corner of mine.

After a moment of silence I reply, "neither. Didn't like being a girl, didn't wanna be a boy. So I'm like the… mystery third option. Or something."

I'm trying to not let my nerves show but goddamnit if I lose my ticket to the end of the Grand Line over my screwy gender expression I'll eat my foot.

"You use they/them, then?" Zoro questions from his corner. I just nod in return. It's a little surprising that Zoro of all people knows about pronouns, but I'm not going to complain. I guess he clocks my confusion because he grimaces and elaborates. "I had a friend when I was younger, had some issues with her gender. Learned a lot of shit once I set out to sea."

I blink. "Oh." Then I grimace. "Your friend, is she..?"

He nods. "Died when we were younger. Stupidly. Strongest person I knew," he snaps his fingers, "gone like that."

I give him a sympathetic look. "You meet a lot of queer people on the seas?" I wonder if that stereotype about gay people not being able to drive applies to boats…

He shrugs a single shoulder. "A few, you?"

How do I answer that without giving away that I've only existed here for like, a few days?

"I knew a lot where I was from, but that's because gay people attract each other like magnets. Haven't met a whole lot on the open seas yet." Then I clock onto Luffy's silence and thinking face. "If it helps, Luffy, you can just think of me like a… swarm of bees or something. To help you get the pronouns right." Honestly I think I'll settle for him just not kicking me over the side of the boat.

He appears to come to a conclusion and flashes me his signature grin. "That's fine, I'll just remember! You're kinda like… a snail! They don't have genders sometimes. Ooh or a worm!"

My mouth drops into an O before breaking into a soft smile. "A snail, huh? If it works it works… Thank you, Captain."

He just laughs. "Why're you saying thanks? You're my First Mate, it'd be stupid to get it wrong."

That… went amazing. Christ that tops how this went with my dad by about a mile. Guess it was kinda stupid to think the poster child for freedom would get pissy about me breaking gender norms, but irrational fears gonna be irrational.

"Hey wait!" I clock onto his words. "I told you, I can't be First Mate! Make Zoro do it!"

Zoro just crosses his arm and shakes his head. "Hell no. I don't need that kinda responsibility," then he glares at me, "and you shouldn't run from it. Your job. You do it."

This bitch…

"And! You gotta balance out my stupidity. Zoro is too stupid for that!" Luffy grins.

Zoro nods his head in agreement before snapping his head back to our idiot Captain with a, "hey!"

I grimace. "It takes more than smart to be First Mate. You know I can't fight, like at all, right? The best I've got is this gun I stole from Helmeppo. I don't even know how to shoot!" I wave said gun around to emphasize my point.

"If you don't know how it works don't fucking swing it like that!" Zoro shouts, hitting the deck to avoid a rogue swing from smacking him in the head. From the ground Zoro scrunches his face at me. "Besides, it also takes more than strong to be First Mate too. Strength in place of leadership is doomed to fall apart." That was… surprisingly insightful. "And I don't wanna have any hand in steering this shitshow." There it is.

I violently shake my head. "You're assuming I've got leadership skills! I hate to break it to you buddy, but I'm not exactly the first person people think of when they want someone in charge."

The blank stare gets blanker. "You don't have to be giving orders to have authority. Leadership is whatever you decide it's gonna look like. You just need to make people respect you."

I reflect his blank face back at him. "Uh huh. And that's gonna work soooo great with people who only respect strength. My weak ass couldn't even get my cat to respect me!" That trademark Zoro Confusion™ returns. I open my mouth to continue.

Luffy interrupts me. "But you're gonna get stronger, right?" I stop to turn to my Captain. "You're not gonna be weak forever. And until then you can just detective stuff instead!"

Damn, his big sunny smile is hard to argue with! "Detective isn't a verb…" I trail off.

I feel like I'm stealing something. Like I've just killed a part of Zoro he doesn't even know he was supposed to have. How the fuck do I measure up to the guy who would take on all of his Captain's pain like on Thriller Bark, who would do anything he asked at the drop of a hat with zero questions asked, who could organize a batship crew like the Strawhats almost effortlessly?

Next to the First Mate Zoro would be, I'm practically nothing.

But…

"You sure you can't pick someone else?" I ask one last time, an edge of desperation creeping into my voice.

Luffy's smile widens impossibly further. "Nope! No one but you will do!" I sigh and slump down into the boat.

But Luffy's made up his mind. Maybe I won't be the super strong First Mate the crew deserves, but I'll damn well work to earn the title if he insists.

"…Fine."

"Fine?" Luffy parrots excitedly, scrambling across the tiny boat to sit in front of me.

"Fine," I repeat.

Then Luffy flings himself at me and we, once again, go overboard while I flail and scream. "GODDAMNIT LUFFY—"

Stupid Captain.

Notes:

More of a transition chapter today. Next chapter is gonna be the start of Orange Town and Nami time, yeehaw.

Working full-time is hard and I'm sad :(

Chapter 5: Chapter Five: See Our Friends, See The Sights, Feel Alright

Summary:

Alright - Supergrass

You get one guess as to what happens when we start rowing. Here's a hint; Zoro is a whole lot better and faster at it than I am. "WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TURNING? I CANNOT BE GETTING US LOST THAT FAST!"

Notes:

Me, only replying to comments with questions because it's easier and I don't know how to respond to praise: I am so engaging

This song is so Strawhat coded. Does anyone even actually listen to the songs I title these after?

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

It took another three hours of aimless drifting and stupid questions (including but not limited to "do you poop?" and "have you ever fought a bear?") but I now understand why everyone on the goddamn crew is always hitting Luffy. He just makes it so easy .

Anyways. The three of us are just sitting in our dumb little boat, existing. "Don't you find it a little stupid that the future King of the Pirates and his First Mate don't have a single navigational skill between them?" Zoro questions with a groan, rubbing a hand across his face.

"Watch it buddy, I never even wanted to sail! I'm here by coincidence and happenstance," I say wagging my finger at him.

Luffy just shrugs. "I just kinda drift around… weren't you some kinda famous bounty hunter?"

Zoro rolls his eyes. "I never called myself a bounty hunter."

I pump my fist in the air. "Called it!" Hey man, I'm allowed to abuse my future knowledge to seem smart. Literally who's gonna stop me?

He shoots a glare at me. "Anyways! I only set out to find a certain man, then I couldn't get back to my village. By that point collecting bounties was my best bet at survival."

Luffy just blinks that wide-eyed cat-like stare. "Oh, so you're lost."

Zoro jolts forward, teeth bared. "Don't say it like that!"

Me and Luffy both burst into laughter as I lean across the boat to give him a high five. "Zoro I will bet every berri on me that you tried to go back for something five minutes later and just couldn't."

"Hah!" his face turns smug as he holds out his hand, "pay up, it actually took fifteen minutes for me to try and go back!"

I stare at his hand for a second before slapping it in a mockery of the high five I gave Luffy. "Sorry sweet cheeks, I have precisely zero berri to my name."

I think Zoro's squawking is one of my new favourite sounds. Then he's lunging across the boat to tackle me to the ground, so I latch onto and pull Luffy down with me with a strangled yelp.

"You people fucking suck."

The three of us are lying on the deck staring up at the sky, and a pink bird drifts into view. "Oh hey, bird. That means land's nearby." I think. That's how seabirds work right?

Luffy springs up beside me. "Finally! I'm super hungry!"

"Wait a second—" I think about grabbing onto Luffy and maybe hitching a ride to Orange Town like that, but eeeeh. So I let Luffy latch onto the bird's face with his stretchy arms, then get his head chomped down on.

"AH! ED, ZORO SAVE ME!" comes the muffled screaming as Zoro jumps to his feet.

"Ah shit! Captain!" He turns to me with that confused/horrified look I'm honestly getting attached to. "Why'd you let him do that?!"

I just shrug. "Fools gonna be fools?" Then I register that the bird is very quickly flying away from our dinghy. "SHIT ZORO GET THE PADDLES!" I whip my head around and almost get smacked in the face by a flying oar.

"Already ahead of you, idiot! Now fucking ROW!" he demands. I sit my ass down and do just that. I pump my arms like I'm back in the ocean actively drowning.

Now seems like a good time to explain the physics of rowing. When equal pressure is applied on both sides of a vessel, it moves forward at accelerated speeds. When more pressure is applied on one side but not the other, the vessel will begin to turn.

You get one guess as to what happens when we start rowing. Here's a hint; Zoro is a whole lot better and faster at it than I am. "WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TURNING? I CANNOT BE GETTING US LOST THAT FAST!"

"ZORO I WAS CURSED WITH NOODLE ARMS THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK!" I scream.

He doesn't even grace me with a coherent response, he just starts yelling and snatches the other paddle from my hands. That knocks me right on my ass onto the floor.

With only Zoro propelling us we start flying through the water after the stupid pink bird and our stupid rubber Captain, stretched limbs still flapping in the wind and screaming getting fainter.

We very quickly come up on three weirdos flailing in the water calling, "hey, you there! Help us! Man overboard!"

Zoro just shouts back, "I'm not stopping! If you want on, do it yourself!" I'm still just sat in the bottom of the boat where I fell off the bench.

They do, jump in that is. In a frankly impressive show of acrobatics and upper body strength, with finesse that implies this definitely has happened before, they clamber onto our now very cramped dinghy.

"Thank you," one huffs, before he whips a knife out of fucking nowhere and points it directly at my face, "but in the name of Buggy the Clown we're taking over this boat now!" I just slump down further into the boat as Zoro's face hardens into a glare.

Three swift knocks to the skull later, we have three idiots rowing us after our Captain. There is so little room in the dinghy now that I'm basically sprawled between Zoro's legs where he's sat at the back.

"I'm sorry, we had no idea you were the famous Pirate Hunter Zoro! Please forgive us!" the guy with the knife simpers.

Zoro just glowers at him. "Thanks to you three idiots we lost sight of our Captain. So. Just. Keep. Paddling."

The weirdos have a quiet conversation amongst themselves that Zoro interrupts to ask, "so who's this Buggy guy?"

They all adopt this scandalized expression and shout, "you've never heard of Buggy the Clown?!"

It's almost scary how they can speak in unison like that… Zoro gives an uncaring shrug. "Nope."

The guy on the left clenches his fist dramatically. "Our Captain's ruthless! He's eaten a Devil Fruit, so he's truly unique!"

"Uh huh. Cute, now keep rowing," I glare at the three stooges.

One of them cries out, "do you just not care?!"

I roll my eyes. "No bitch! I know exactly who Buggy the Clown is, that's why I don't give a singular shit." That stuns the three pirates into silence.

"Keep fucking rowing!" Zoro snaps.

"Yes sir!" the idiots yelp, immediately snapping back into frantic rowing.

I turn my glare back at Zoro as I slump into his legs. "Why do they only listen to you?"

He just smirks down at me. "Because I'm intimidating."

—

We pull into the harbour at Orange Town approximately 40 minutes later, the three Buggy pirates we essentially kidnapped and put through forced labour huffing and puffing on the ground behind us.

"Guess we better find this Buggy guy, ask about the Captain," Zoro muses.

"Knowing our luck, that idiot is probably already fighting him," I respond, just in time for a loud boom and huge plume of smoke to blow upward across town.

We both make silent eye contact and sigh. "There he is."

We both start to jog the direction of the origin of the explosion. "You think he's winning?" Zoro asks.

I scoff. "Bet you he's stuck in a cage right now, or something equally stupid."

Zoro shoots me an incredulous look. "A cage? No way. I'll take that bet, since you have no money I'll start you a tab." That smug look on his face… I'm going to crush it.

This seems like a totally responsible way to use my other worldly knowledge. Scamming Zoro seems like the only appropriate way to jumpstart my funds. "How's 1,000 berri sound?"

If I'm going by real world standards, berri and yen seem to have the same value. So by that logic 1,000 berri would roughly equate to $10 CAD. Probably.

Zoro scoffs. "Sounds great, as soon as you come into some money you'll be spending it on drinks for me." I just stick out my tongue, smirk and pick up my pace.

Eventually the circus tent and pirate gathering comes into view, which we only see from the rooftop of a building Zoro somehow managed to lead us to.

"Seems the party got started without us," Zoro huffs, charging ahead of me and leaping across other roofs.

"How the fuck did we even get up here?"

I can see the concrete cage Luffy is trapped in, as well as Nami hunched over the cannon's fuse. "Behind you!" Luffy yells, right in time for Zoro to jump in between the pirates and Nami and stop their blows with two of his swords.

He smirks at them, eyes hooded by his bandana. "How many of you have to attack one girl at the same time?"

"Zoro!" Luffy cheers while I finally make it over to the roof, saddling right up to the cage.

Zoro looks over the scene incredulously. "The hell you doing Captain? First a bird and now cannons?"

I cough from beside Luffy, who immediately cheers, "Ed!"

Then I knock on the top of Luffy's cage "Would you look at that? Our Captain, in a cage. Sure hope you've got that 1,000 berri, I'd hate to start you a tab."

Zoro just gives an irritated huff. "Ed! What're you talking about? Get me outta here now!" Luffy whines through the bars he's gnawing on.

"Luf, you goddamn idiot, you got kidnapped by a bird. I thought the first sucker to try it would at least have to convince you to do it yourself!" I reach through the bars to pull Luffy's ear.

"But Eeeeed, I was sooooo hungry…" he groans, blinking up at me imploringly.

"So you're Roronoa Zoro, the Pirate Hunter," a new voice announces. Coming up behind Zoro I can see the horrendously dressed form of Buggy the Clown. Now honestly, there's no way to sugar coat it. I'll be totally transparent, I'm a huge fan of Buggy.

At least fanon Buggy. The competent Buggy. And I will pray that this Buggy isn't just a blithering fool, but I'm not going to hold my breath for it.

"You must be here for my head then!" he declares, foot up on a box in a dramatic pose.

Zoro scoffs. "Not interested. I'm not a pirate hunter anymore. I'm just those idiot's crewmate, nothing more nothing less."

I place my hand over my heart and bat my eyes. "Aw Zoro you don't have to get all sentimental on us now!"

His grumbling is drowned out by Buggy's sneering. "I'm interested though! Killing you would bolster my reputation."

Zoro just rolls his shoulders and shrugs. "Your funeral."

It barely takes a second for Zoro to lunge at Buggy and chop him into pieces.

"Damn, that was easy," he almost sounds disappointed. The gasps of the Buggy pirates are quick to turn into snickers as Luffy asks again to be let out of the cage.

"That didn't actually kill him," I announce, much to the shock of the pirates surrounding us. "His Devil Fruit doesn't let him get cut." Then I pull out my pistol and attempt, and I do mean attempt because I miss wildly, to shoot the hand Buggy has poised to stab Zoro.

Three bullets left. So much for conserving them.

Though the bullet misses by a fucking mile it still shocks the clown enough that he drops the knife. His body springs up from the floor, completely unharmed, face white and screaming. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT?!"

My best response is to blow him a dramatic kiss and say, "didn't you know Buggy darling, you're famous!" Which I follow by whispering to Nami and Luffy, "Famously bad at being a small-time pirate." They both start giggling.

Buggy shows his prowess as a performer with his quick recovery, barely missing a beat before he puffs out his chest and surreptitiously wipes the sweat from his brow with a cocky grin. "That's right! The Chop Chop Fruit, that's the name of the Devil Fruit I ate! Now I'm a Chop Chop man who can't be cut!"

Nami's nose scrunches up in distaste beside me. "His body detached itself? I thought Devil Fruits were a myth…"

"Chop Chop man?! You mean he's a monster?!" Luffy gasps.

I kick his cage in response. "Pot calling the kettle black…"

"Well if swords aren't gonna work I'm fresh out of ideas," Zoro sighs.

"Guess you really are a one trick pony," I mumble.

"I wanna fight the big nose guy!" Luffy yells.

…

The ensuing silence is very loud.

"…Fuck," Nami groans quietly.

"Who's… got a big nose?!" Buggy screams, whipping around to throw a knife directly at Luffy through the bars. Nami and Zoro both gasp and I jerk back from the cage.

"Buggy!" Luffy yells through the knife he somehow caught in his teeth, "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Buggy just starts hysterically laughing. "You? Kick my ass? How about I just kill the four of you right here!"

"We're fucked," Nami mutters while looking around anxiously at the chuckling Buggy pirates.

Luffy's obnoxious laugh cuts right through it. "I refuse to die! Zoro, Ed, run!"

"What? They came to save you! What're you going to do?" Nami yells back at him.

"What?" Zoro asks incredulously. Luffy just keeps smiling. Zoro stares for a second before smirking. "Understood."

"Impudent fools! As if I'd let you escape!" Buggy shrieks as he attacks Zoro in a flurry of blades. Zoro bisects him and we make eye contact between the billows of his cape. Zoro dives right between his separated halves and makes a dash for the cannon the same time I do.

"Fool! Your three sword style has — hey listen when I'm talking to you!" Buggy turns around just in time for a view of me and Zoro flipping the cannon.

"Lift with your legs, lift with your legs," I mumble under my breath, Zoro just shoots me an amused look.

"Shit! The cannon is pointed at us!" Buggy screeches.

"Light the damn thing!" Zoro grits out. Nami rushes to do just that.

"Wait wait WAIT—"

The ensuing explosion is large and exceedingly satisfying.

—

Between me and Zoro, hauling Luffy around in a big concrete cage is not exactly what I would call pleasant, but it is manageable. "Who the hell are these people?" I hear Nami mumble to herself.

"Luffy, who's this girl?" Zoro asks, completely unwinded despite the sweat breaking out on my everything. Little shit.

"Oh! She's our new navigator!" he cheers, seemingly enjoying his elevated carrier cage ride.

"Seriously, who are you guys?" Nami asks again.

"Can you move? You're in the way," Zoro says instead. I just shrug helplessly at her as we keep moving with our packaged Captain.

We leave Nami behind and get a solid few blocks away before I stop, letting my half of the cage slam into the ground. Luffy yelps as he smacks into the bars. "Ok, I'm not athletic enough to keep this shit up."

"You act like you've never had to run for your life with cargo before," Zoro observes.

I shoot him an unimpressed look from where I'm hunched over the cage. "No shit, not all of us make stupid decisions to get into those situations!"

I cough a little and Luffy peeks up at me through the bars. "Do you need water Ed? Zoro! Go get us water!" he demands.

Zoro just blinks. "They can get it themselves."

"But your legs are longer, c'mon Zoro I saved your life earlier!" I whine back, laying down on top of the cage and kicking my feet.

"For fucks — fine!" He then goes stalking off down the street. Then I realize that we just sent off Zoro without a guide. Fuck, won't be seeing him for a few hours, if ever again.

"That's probably going to bite us in the ass," I mention to Luffy, who just hums.

"Hey, a dog," he announces, pointing through the bars at the fucking dog right beside us I failed to notice.

I blink. "Oh, a dog."

"It's not moving, is it dead?" Luffy, like every five year old ever, immediately tries to poke the dog. And gets his face attacked for his stupidity. He starts screaming and trying to retreat further into the cage.

"Don't fucking provoke the dog!" I yell at him, doing absolutely nothing to help because he deserves this one.

"I leave you guys alone for a few minutes and this is what you get up to?" I hear Nami's voice question behind us. "One being lazy, one missing, and one being beat up by a dog?"

"Hey, our navigator!" Luffy cheers, seemingly forgetting the dog still chewing on his arm.

"Says who?!" she yells back, looking like she wants to join the dog in his attack. What's its name again? Shushu or something? "I just came to repay my debt to you, for saving me back there." She tosses us the key, which I guess she stole at some point.

"You got the key!" we exclaim at the same time.

She scoffs. "Yeah, it was kinda stupid. Because of it it couldn't steal any treasure…"

I offer her a small smile. "Thanks, Nami."

I reach for the key, but the dog apparently has some ninja background skills I didn't know about, because he chomps down on it seconds before I can grab it. He just gulps the fucker down.

There's a moment of silence as I debate the moral ramifications of trying to cut a dog open with my penknife, but Luffy saves me the trouble by reaching through the bars to choke the dog out.

"THAT'S NOT FOOD YOU DUMB DOG SPIT IT OUT—"

Wow he's getting violent, do they have a PETA in this world I should call? That poor rat bitches stomach…

"Hey! Leave Chouchou alone!" someone comes screaming down the road. A man I assume is the mayor, suited up in armour and looking ready to evaporate Luffy cage and all, storms up to us.

Ah, that's what its name was. "Who're you?" Nami asks.

The man scoffs, "I'm the mayor of this town! Who're you?!" Then he seems to pause for a second, taking in the cage and my winded form. He heaves a heavy sigh. "You must have met Buggy then."

"Yup, he sucks,"

"Yeah, what a dick,"

Me and Luffy answer simultaneously. He just nods empathically.

"So this dog's name is Chouchou?" Nami asks, patting said dog's head.

"Why's he just sitting here?" Luffy asks, arms tucked in and giving Chouchou a wary stare.

I climb back onto the cage and fold my legs up to sit criss-cross applesauce, heedless of Luffy's quiet complaint of, "I'm not a chair…"

"He's guarding this pet store," The mayor answers, pulling out a pipe and lighting it.

He then begins to weave a sad tale of a dog, his master, and undying loyalty.

Notes:

Orange Town yaaay! And finally Nami arrives! I was so torn between making her and Ed absolutely hate each other you have no idea. There's still time...

Chapter 6: Chapter Six: No Amount of Fear Will Keep You Safe

Summary:

Keep You Safe - The Crane Wives

She opens her mouth, probably to make another commiserating comment, when an ear splitting roar sounds down the street. The mayor immediately loses his shit, yelling, "it's Beast Tamer Mohji! We gotta run!" Then he and Nami book away from us as fast as they can.

Notes:

Love how I said once a week updates and then proceeded to not do that at all. I left work early because my ass got sick which is great for you losers who get this now.

We got brief misgendering and a healthy dose of that Canon-Typical Violence tag up in this bitch, fair warning.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

By the end of the mayor's tale Nami is on the verge of tears, Luffy is actually quiet for once, and I'm stuck thinking about another dog entirely.

"But if Chouchou knows his master is dead, why is he still here?" Nami asks, looking honest to god heartbroken.

"He obviously thinks of this store like his treasure, the last thing his master left for him," the mayor answers.

I smear my hands down my face mumbling, "what in the Hachiko…"

Luffy tries to look up at me through the bars. "What's a hatchimal?" I'm starting to think he doesn't even try with words he doesn't know.

"Hachiko. It's a story where I'm from. This dog waited at a train station for 7 years for his owner to return. The owner was dead, and the dog probably knew that, but he still stayed and waited," I answer.

The movie based on that dog made me fucking bawl the first time I watched it. Nami somehow gets even closer to tears, bottom lip jutting out in an effort to keep them in.

Luffy just turns back to Chouchou. "C'mon, somethings come up. I need the key now." The heavy fall of paws behind us has my neck hair raising and me fighting every instinct to flatten myself on top of the cage like a pancake.

"It seems all your friends have abandoned you, and just after you escaped."

I can't even make myself turn around, but I see Luffy stick his nose out of the cage and ask, "who're you?"

"I'm Beast Tamer Mohji, a member of the Buggy Pirates."

His answer prompts me to turn, and when I do I fail to hold in my snort. Good lord the character design in this show never fails to be fucking ridiculous.

It's a man wearing a fuzzy crop top with the most ridiculous hairstyle I've seen yet. "You look super stupid," Luffy says, like an idiot. But I have to agree. It's like… the worst type of casual furry-wear.

"This is my hair!" he shrieks, hunching forward on the huge fucking lion that is snarling in my face right now. "Do you think you're safe in that cage of yours? What about your vulnerable friend out here?"

I try to quietly and unnoticeably scoot off the cage to hide behind it. It doesn't really work.

"You must not know about my terrifying skill! There's no animal in the world who won't obey me!" He hops down off his lion mount, who's name I think is Richie? He saunters right up to Chouchou and puts a hand out. "Shake!"

Chouchou, like the little asshole he is, just bites him on the hand. He snatches that back with an undignified yelp and scoots back toward the lion.

"You're just common thieves." Wow this guy moves on fast. One way to deal with embarrassment I guess. "Tell me where Roronoa Zoro is and I'll have no reason to kill you."

"No!" Luffy stubbornly yells.

Mohji's face turns furious and he screams "Kill them Richie!" The big cat wastes no time in pouncing on the cage.

The cage I'm currently sitting on.

Five things happen in rapid succession.

Luffy screams, "ED MOVE!"

I attempt to fall off the back of the cage.

I get smacked by Richie so hard it feels like getting hit by a Honda Civic. Again.

The cage is destroyed and Luffy is freed.

I go flying.

I soar through the street, only coming to an abrupt stop as I slam into a building. After flying through an entire fucking alleyway. I don't know if that was lucky as hell or done specifically to hurt me.

"ED!" I hear Luffy cry out, then a loud slam as I assume Richie pounds him into a building as well.

My entire world is technicolor from the pain. My bones are fucking vibrating, my entire right side is lit up from the pain of skidding, and there's a hot pain in my stomach. Why the fuck do anime characters always seem fine after getting slammed through buildings?! This fucking hurts!

I can hear more talking and crashing from the direction I flew from, but it's secondary to the Big Ouch my entire universe has shrunk down to.

I finally manage to crane my neck and get a look at whatever the hell is so wrong with my stomach.

Oh.

The gaping bloody gash might do it. I guess one of Richie's claws caught me on my way out. Good fucking god ow.

I hiss out a sharp breath as I try to manoeuvre into a better position. It's taking every ounce of concentration to stop myself from screaming bloody murder. I should put pressure on the wound, that's what you're supposed to do right?

…

My every cell lights up red. The signals my body is sending my brain feel like they're written in Archaic Latin. Dude , are stomach wounds supposed to hurt this fucking bad?!

Good fucking GOD that was a bad idea! I definitely might have let out a small scream with that brilliant move. The slippery slide of blood on my hands is making me a little nauseous.

Fuck fuck fuck. What kinda idiot gets cut open by a stupid fucking lion?! The thing was huge! Why the fuck didn't I move? God almighty today has fucking sucked.

"Ed! Ed can you hear me?" I vaguely hear through the static in my ears. Is that Luffy? A red and yellow blob enters my blurry peripheral vision, before my Captain's worried face takes up my entire view.

"Are you ok? Are you bleeding? You went flying!" he starts rambling. I reach up a hand and smear it across his face, a streak of red follows it.

"M'fine," I slur out. "S'not that bad. Being dramatic."

Because honestly it isn't even that deep. I think. It's kinda hard to think through the pain, but that's probably just because I'm not used to getting fucked up yet. As a pirate, shit like this is bound to happen all the time!

That's not reassuring at all.

Luffy grabs onto my hand heedless of the blood coating it. "Ed you don't sound fine. What do I do?" He actually sounds… concerned? It doesn't suit him.

I can make out orange and brown blobs running up near us. Nami's voice filters through the miasma. "Holy shit…"

"Really, m'fine," I mumble out again.

The mayor pulls Luffy's face back a bit so he can get a look. "That actually doesn't seem too bad. Orange one, help me get her to my house."

"Them. Not a girl," Luffy corrects, scooching back to let Nami closer while not letting go of my hand.

The mayor pauses for a second, before hooking his arms under my shoulders and motioning for Nami to grab my legs. "Then let's get them to my house." My hand slips out of Luffy's as we start to move.

I look back at his pinched face over the mayor's shoulder. "Fucken get em' Capt'n. I'll be fine." His eyebrow furrows before his face hardens. His fist raises up to smear the blood across his cheek and he gives me a solemn nod.

I smirk at him. "Being serious doesn't suit you. Lighten up." I relish in the quick surprise that flashes across his face before we turn the corner.

—

It only takes a couple minutes for the mayor, surprisingly adept at treating injuries, to give the wonderful news that I should be fine. "You'll probably be back to normal in the next couple days. Just keep the moving to a minimum for a few hours."

The healing rate in this world is fucking fascinating. Wait, does that apply to me? I did notice the pain making a steady and surprisingly fast decline over the last few minutes…

Weird.

Anyways I'm grateful for it. Back home this would have crippled me for weeks, maybe months, if not outright killing me. Here I'm getting off Scot free with what will be a superficial scar and some wicked bruising up my right side.

The mayor passes me a glass of water while helping me sit up, and I'm reminded that we should probably collect Zoro's stupid ass at some point.

I open my mouth to ask if they saw him when they ran away, but something interrupts me. Me and the mayor both whip our heads to the door as we hear Nami's yelling filter through.

"You're all the same! Maybe I should just kill you now, one less pirate in the world!" This is gonna sound a bit assholish, but I kinda forgot about Nami's traumatic hangups about pirates…

The mayor jumps up to race out the door, and I'm left trying to stand up without ripping my stomach open without help. I'd call it inconsiderate, but I really should not be moving right now.

By the time I make it to the door frame, pain lancing up my side and sweat on my brow, I can see the mayor holding a shocked Nami back. And my Captain, my stupid sentimental honourable Captain, saying a few words to the crying dog he's just given the last of his treasure back.

Chouchou picks up the box and begins trotting away, stopping to bark something back at Luffy. He responds with a smile, "thanks! Good luck to you too!" Then the dog is off to wherever to do whatever.

Luffy turns back to Nami and the mayor, then spots me in the doorway and his face splits in a huge dazzling grin. He scrambles towards me yelling, "Ed! Are you better now? Does it still hurt? I beat up the lion guy! One punch!"

He stops right in front of me, giving me a scrutinizing look over before he seems to find the best angle of attack to hug me from without jostling my wound.

"Yeah, yeah. Good job Luf. I'm fine, I'll be right as rain before you know it," I murmur, patting him on the back.

He just shoves his face into the crook of my neck and mumbles, "don't get stabbed again, dummy." I laugh as much as my stomach will let me. "I'm serious! Don't get stabbed!"

I manage to laugh a little harder before curling into him with a groan. "Fuuuuuck, yeah I don't plan on it. This fucking sucks!"

The mayor shakes a fist at me from where he's stood with Nami, who has a conflicted look on her face. "I told you to keep the moving to a minimum! Darn kids…"

—

"Sorry about earlier. I didn't mean to yell at you," Nami apologizes, scuffing a toe on the ground. Luffy untangles himself from me enough that he's only helping support me with an arm under my shoulders.

"It's ok, you've been under a lot of stress!" Luffy smiles.

I wave the hand that isn't holding onto him at her. "Don't worry about it, I yell at him all the time." Nami offers me a small smile.

The mayor suddenly explodes into a rage-filled rant. "I'm pathetic, Chouchou and this young'un have fought so hard, yet I, the mayor, have done nothing but watch our town be obliterated!"

Nami rushes around to face the mayor to plead with him. "Calm down, mayor!" Luffy drags me after them so we're standing in the middle of the street.

The mayor does not in fact calm down. He continues his impassioned rant about how this town was built by its people from the ground up. "This town is a treasure to me and all the citizens! I refuse to let them terrorize it anymore!"

Then the row of houses directly beside us is decimated by a Buggy Ball induced explosion. The four of us are sent flying, my fall cushioned by Luffy imposing his rubber body between me and the ground.

"Sweet fuck!" I yell, scrambling up, arm wrapped around my stomach because fucken yowch. Everyone is quick to jump to their feet around me

"They'll destroy it all!" the mayor despairs, looking on at his ruined house.

"Pirates…" Nami mumbles from beside me. Luffy looks on with an unreadable expression.

"Geez, I leave for 20 minutes. The hell happened?" And fucking Zoro comes striding out of the blown up mess of smoke and rubble. He has a singular half empty glass of water in his hand and the bewildered face of a man who had no idea where he was a few minutes ago.

He takes a quick look around as he ambles up to us, scanning over my worse for wear form with a raised eyebrow. I shake my head in disbelief.

"Did… did you actually come back to the right place with water?" I ask, genuinely amazed he managed it.

"Oh. Yeah this is for you." He thrusts the cup in my direction. Who the hell did he steal this glass from?

I down the water in one shot.

"Ed got stabbed by a lion!" Luffy announces.

I turn to shoot an incredulous glare at him. "What'd you tell him that for?!"

Zoro's brow furrows. "Did the lion have a knife?"

The glare turns to him. "No you idiot! He used his damn claws!"

His brow furrows further. "Like, attached to him? A real lion? Not a guy in a lion costume with knives?"

I stare at him, incredulous. "Why is this so hard for you to grasp?"

"It might have been a guy in a very good costume…" Luffy mumbles, scratching his forehead.

I smack him upside the head. "No it wasn't! Trust me, I have intimate proof!"

Nami mumbles behind us, "what the hell is wrong with these guys?"

The mayor, complexly ignoring our idiocy, hunches in on himself and scrapes a hand against his armour. "I refuse to let them get away with this! I won't stand for it, I can't let this scum destroy everything my townspeople worked for these past 40 years!" He snaps up ramrod straight and pounds a fist into his chest. "I am the mayor of this town! I will protect it and its inhabitants! I swear!"

He immediately tries to rush off to fight Buggy, but Nami latches onto him yelling, "stop! It's reckless!"

He just keeps fighting to run. "There are some fights a man can't run from!" He turns to face us. "Right?!"

Luffy just smiles his bright grin. "That's right!"

Nami glares at us. "Don't encourage him! It's dangerous!"

The mayor rips out of Nami's hold with tears in his eyes. "I know it's dangerous!" He goes running down the street screaming, "I'm coming for you, Buggy the Clown!"

"The mayor was crying…" Nami mumbles.

"He was? I didn't see anything," Luffy replies with a cheeky grin.

"Looks like the party is getting more exciting," Zoro adds. Luffy just laughs.

"How can you still laugh?" Nami demands.

Luffy keeps his big smile in place as he states, "don't worry, I like that old man! I'm not gonna let him die!" Me and Zoro shake our heads with indulgent smiles.

Zoro starts walking, mumbling, "In that case…"

I tie my flannel around my waist and shrug. "If that's how it is."

"You too? What about your wound?!" Nami squawks at me.

I just smirk over at her. "I'm not gonna fistfight the clown. Just… fire some stray shots into the crowd." She somehow looks even more flabbergasted.

Zoro ties up his bandanna. "Who knew it just took someone spilling your guts for you to use 'em."

I send him a playful glare. "Can it, Listerine."

"The hell is Listerine?!"

"Our destination is the Grand Line. We better go steal that chart back!" Luffy declares, cracking his knuckles. Nami just watches the Captain in shock. He turns to her with his bright smile. "Join our crew, Nami!"

Her shock dissipates into a frown. "I'll never be a pirate." She smirks and smacks her palm to Luffy's outstretched hand. "But I suppose we can team up, to achieve our common goal."

I lean over to Zoro to whisper, "she has no idea the hole she just dug herself."

He nods sagely back. "Not a clue."

—

When we arrive at the scene of the fight the mayor is being choked out by Buggy's floating hand. Luffy runs forward to rip it off him. "I'm here to kick your ass, just like I promised to Buggy!"

Buggy struggles to retrieve his hand, Luffy huffs a laugh and lets it go. "Strawhat…" Buggy grits out. The other three of us file in behind Luffy and the mayor, who's hacking on the ground.

"How dare you! You can't just waltz up to me like this! I'm Captain Buggy!" he screeches from the roof. I swear when he stomps his foot in emphasis there's a comical squeak.

"Listen! I'm only here for the chart and the treasure, then I'm out of here!" Nami points at us with a glare.

Me and Zoro exchange amused glances. "Yup. Got it."

"Get out of here, why did you follow me? You're outsiders, leave this to me!" the mayor rasps out, hunched over himself on the ground. "This is my fight! I will protect my town!"

I can see Luffy gearing up for a punch, and I'm not about to have this entire town on our asses when this is over while I'm sporting a stab wound. So I launch myself at my mayor praying it won't reopen my gash.

I tackle the man to the ground screaming, "I GOT HIM! BEAT UP THE CLOWN!" Nami and Zoro make shocked noises behind me, but my eyes are locked on Luffy as he lowers his fist.

"Ok! You got it!" he says with a wide smile.

"What do you think you're doing?!" the mayor yells under me, squirming and trying to escape.

"Fucken — stay still! I will knock you out if I have to, but then I'll have to explain this shit to your people and that'll only end with us getting chased outta this bitch! Let my damn Captain take care of it!"

He tries to twist his head back to glare at me. "No! Like I said this is my fight! Let me up!"

I just put more of my body weight on him. "You—"

I'm cut off by Luffy screaming, "BIG NOOOOSE!" at the top of his lungs.

More strangled screaming comes from Buggy before he garbles out, "flashily fire the Buggy Ball!"

Aw shit. Better hope Luffy can stop that thing, cause I'm not moving anywhere soon. "You gotta let me up now! He's gonna shoot us!" the mayor wails, still struggling.

I smack my forehead into the back of his head. "Quit it!"

From my grounded angle I can see the cannon go off, and the Buggy Ball bearing towards us at breakneck speeds. Then Luffy imposes himself between it and us with a laugh. "That won't work!"

My entire view is taken up by Luffy blowing up to the size of a shed and flinging the cannon ball back at the screaming Buggy Pirates.

"What the fuck," Zoro deadpans.

"What the fuck?" Nami whimpers.

"What the fuck…" the mayor wheezes.

"Fucken — Ok," I sigh.

"Woohoo! I got some of them!" Luffy cheers.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Nami screeches from where she fell to her knees.

"You really know how to freak people out…" Zoro mutters.

I go back to ignoring that mess by flopping further onto the mayor with a murmur of, "yaknow, for someone who deals quite poorly with high stress situations, I sure picked a stupid career path."

The mayor smushes his face into the street with a wheeze. "I hate to agree."

Notes:

Oh we in it now boys. My poor baby :( I like to bully them 3 I promise I don't hate my characters it's not my fault they always end up hurt—

In other news, I'm up to writing Arlong Park now and whoo boy. Forgot how mad that guy makes me.

Chapter 7: Chapter Seven: What About The Kid? It's Time The Kid Got Free

Summary:

The Love Club - Lorde

The whole experience is not unlike the time I tried to ride a mechanical bull, but much less fun since I have a hole in my side and I'm sitting on top of an old man, and I'm not getting $20 for doing it this time.

Notes:

Start praying I get better at writing fight scenes now and maybe I'll be up to speed by GODDAMN THRILLER BARK. I promise I'm trying T-T.

This chapter has a brief allusions to genocide (in a weirdly misleading way?) soooo watch for that.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

I don't pay a whole lot of attention to the fight as it's going on around me, but I do butt in to yell, "that guy fights dirty, for the record!" when Cabaji moves to take on Zoro. He just throws me a thumbs up over his shoulder.

The mayor takes my temporary distraction as an excuse to attempt escape with renewed vigour. "Hey! You wanna jostle the injured person? You keep tossing and you'll undo all your hard work!" The mayor just makes wordless grumbling in response.

It doesn't take long for Zoro to suddenly plop down next to me with a sigh. "You done with the unicycle guy already?" I prompt.

Zoro sets his swords to the side. "Yeah… the Captain can handle the clown."

I nod. "Cool, cool. You wanna sit on this guy for me? I'm not actually very heavy."

Said guy makes a very frustrated noise into the ground. I pat his head in sympathy, but that just seems to rile him up more.

"Yeah sure, scooch down." Zoro parks his ass right on the mayor's back while I shuffle to sit on the pavement.

I gingerly stretch my side with a groan, "for an old-timer he sure is wily…"

"I am right here!" he grouses.

"You know Shanks?!" comes Luffy's yell from where he's fighting Buggy.

I turn to Zoro with a lazy grin. "What do you wanna bet he's talking about Red-Haired Shanks, the Emperor?"

Zoro scoffs. "No shot he knows someone so famous. The Captain is good, but he's not that good."

My smile slides into a smirk. "You'd think, huh? So we on? Say… 1,500 berri?" He just reaches out a hand with a pitying shake of his head.

Poor sucker.

Luffy goes crashing through a building. "Poor sucker," Zoro muses.

I turn back to him with an offended look. "So when he goes crashing through a whole fucking house he gets up fine, but when I smack into one it debilitates me?"

Zoro just shrugs, "I don't think you should use Luffy as any kind of example, he's fucking ridiculous even by my standards."

I roll my eyes at him. "If you had been the one stabbed you would have taken a 30 minute power nap and gotten up fine."

He shrugs one shoulder and scratches at his neck. "Maybe. I'm also a little bit ridiculous, by normal people's standards."

"No shit…" I murmur. We look out upon the fight impassively.

"Yaknow," I start conversationally, "I really wanted to join a circus when I was younger, but I'm starting to think it's not all it's cracked up to be."

Zoro raises an amused eyebrow. "Really?"

I nod. "Yup, wanted to juggle professionally."

Zoro's scoff is drowned out by Luffy screaming, "you bastard!" We turn to see him holding his straw hat, now sporting a new nick in the brim.

"Uh oh."

Luffy stands, shaking in rage. "No one damages my lucky hat and walks away from it alive!" Luffy furiously whips his head forward. "This hat is my treasure! Anyone who so much as lays a finger on it is gonna pay!"

Then Buggy does the stupidest thing to ever be done ever. He stabs the hat.

I immediately flatten myself to the ground. "Zoro, hit the deck, it's about to get nuclear out here."

He snorts. "The kickback from that isn't gonna reach all the way over here."

I squint at him. "Obviously. I was being funny . It was humour. Don't know if you've heard of it." He sticks his tongue out at me. I do the same.

I tune back into the combatant's conversation to hear, "yeah, we were apprentices on the same ship!"

I shoot a bewildered look at Zoro. "The implications of that are fucking mental."

He raises an eyebrow. "Are they?"

I nod fiercely. "That means this goddamn idiot sailed on the Oro Jackson. Like the King of the Pirates ship."

Zoro chokes on air. "Please tell me that's more of your terrible humour."

"Nope!" I say, popping the P.

The rest of the fight is a little boring to be honest. Me and Zoro watch the idiocy, and the mayor remains blissfully silent and unsquirming under Zoro's weight.

We get to see Luffy nail a sandal clad foot into Buggy's junk, so today hasn't been a total waste. Buggy then goes on a long storytelling rant about how he got his Devil Fruit by being fucking stupid and Shanks being hilarious.

Then his upper half lunges for Nami and the bag of treasure she's sneaking around with. I wave Luffy's attention to myself and mouth to him, 'kick his balls.' He gives me a bring grin, winds back his leg and once again cracks his sandal into Buggy's crotch.

I love this guy.

"I think the 'D' in his name stands for Dick Kicker," I tell Zoro.

He smirks at me. "What's yours mean then?"

I finger gun at him. "Detective!" He snorts.

Luffy tells Nami to drop the treasure to which she scoffs. "No! Drop the money and go? No way, why should I leave my treasure behind?!"

Zoro turns to me. "Should we be worried about her hangups about money and stuff if she's gonna be joining us?"

I dismissively wave a hand. "Problem for later."

The three of them chase each other around for a while, and eventually Luffy manages to hit Buggy so hard he flies clean across the island.

"Ok, you can let him up now," I tell Zoro, who rolls off the mayor with a shrug. I think I hear a couple bones cracking… "Also please help me up."

He heaves this long world weary sigh and I almost feel bad for the amount of shit he'll go through. But then he hauls me up so fast I almost topple right back to the ground and I silently resolve to make his entire life much harder than it has to be.

When the three of us get over to Luffy and Nami, she's giving him the map of the Grand Line. "Does this mean you'll join our crew now?!" Luffy asks with stars in his eyes.

"I told you I'm never joining a pirate crew! But okay. Staying with you seems profitable enough," Nami smirks, "just remember this, I'm only joining you because it's in my interest!"

Luffy just grins at her. "Sure!" Then he turns to us with his big smile. "Ok, we're leaving now! Got the map and got a navigator!"

"Alright, if you say so Captain," Zoro agrees.

The mayor just sighs and rubs the back of his neck. "I guess I have to thank you youngsters. Probably couldn't have gotten rid of that Buggy bastard without you…"

Luffy laughs. "Shishishi, don't worry about it! I just wanted to beat the guy up!"

I give the mayor a bland smile. "He's a very simple guy."

"Hey! Are you outsiders?" comes a call from the veritable horde of townspeople that for some reason none of us noticed approaching.

The mayor pushes to the front of our group with a hand up. "Don't worry! They got rid of the pirates!"

The mayor and his people reunite and exchange a few words while Luffy turns to us and jerks a thumb in the direction of our boat. Guess we're leaving then.

We leisurely walk through the destroyed streets to the docks, passing Chouchou and giving him nods on the way. When we get down there it's to two boats; the one we sailed in on and Nami's.

"This is your boat? It's great!" Luffy cheers.

Nami just shrugs. "It's alright. I stole it from some idiot pirates."

"That's a big mouth you got!" a familiar voice yells from inside it.

The three stooges me and Zoro rescued earlier pop up out of the boat. "Never thought you'd see us here huh?!"

Nami makes some nervous giggles and Luffy curiously tilts his head. "You know these guys?"

I butt in at this point. "She's not the only one." The three weirdos finally seem to take notice of Zoro and me. Knife guy lets out a high pitched shriek, grabs his buddies, and immediately books it into the town.

"Huh. Maybe I'm intimidating too?" I mutter, turning around to see the last vestiges of a harsh glare on Zoro's face. My expression falls flat. "Nevermind."

Nami hops on her boat and we plop back in our own, then we push out of port. "Hey, is that Buggy's mark on your sail?" Zoro asks.

"Well, this is his boat. I'll get rid of it sometime," Nami shrugs.

"Hey wait! Youngsters!" the mayor's yell sounds from shore. "Thanks! We're in your debt!"

We all exchange smiles while Luffy laughs and yells back, "don't worry about it! Take it easy!"

"Thanks for patching me up!" I holler. The mayor laughs and gives me a thumbs up.

Then Nami seems to notice the distinct lack of a treasure bag in our boat. "Did… did you leave the treasure back there?!"

Luffy smiles wide. "Yeah!"

Nami's entire face twitches. "That was worth around 5 million berries, you idiot!"

Luffy's face scrunches up. "But they need the money to fix the town, right?"

"That was my treasure! Do you know how hard I worked to steal it!" Nami tries to shove Luffy's head underwater. Me and Zoro burst into laughter while they continue yelling at each other.

"She's perfect," I smirk at Zoro. He huffs out a laugh, then hands me a wad of paper. I look at him curiously then back at the stack.

Oh, shit.

"Dude?" my voice cracks.

He raises an eyebrow. "2,500 berri, as promised. You won our bets so it's yours." My eyes widen and I hug the cash to my chest. He furrows his brow at me. "Why do you look so surprised? Did you not think I was gonna hold up my end of the bargain?"

I let out a breathless chuckle and shake my head. "No, not that. It's just… this is the first berri I've ever made, if you can believe it!" His face says he either doesn't believe that at all or is flabbergasted as to why it'd be true.

In the grand scheme of things it's a paltry sum. It's chump change. Could buy me a meal, round of drinks, and not much more.

But something about actually having the currency of this world…

Feels good.

"Are you gonna cry over winning a bet?"

"No! Shut up!"

—

"There's no way we'll make it to the Grand Line like this," Nami announces.

I have to agree. "Coby was right, even with a navigator now we're still severely understaffed."

"Yeah, and we need more meat!" Luffy nods empathically.

"And booze," Zoro adds.

"Shut up! Not what I meant!" Nami yells, upper body lunging across our two boats. "The Grand Line is crawling with pirates in search of the One Piece, and they all have ships that are way better than this!"

"And we don't have a whole crew." Luffy scratches his head, rocking back and forth on the bow of our dinghy.

Nami starts counting off her fingers, "no crew, no equipment, and barely a ship! There's no way we'd survive."

"Yeah, we need a cook. And a musician!" Luffy proclaims.

"A musician?" Zoro laughs.

I wag a finger in his face. "Hey man, don't diss music. It's super important on a pirate journey." He just rolls his eyes.

Nami heaves a sigh. "A little to the south of here is a populated island. We might be able to get some supplies and a real ship there…"

Luffy throws his hands in the air enthusiastically. "Fresh meat at last!"

"Don't forget the booze!" Zoro adds.

Nami's eyes bug out. "Is that all you think about?!"

I just shake my head and mumble. "You'd barely be able to legally drink where I'm from…"

Zoro gives me a curious look. "And where are you from exactly?"

My heart clenches and I avert my gaze. "Ah, that's a little… complicated." This seems to intrigue Nami, who leans across the ships, arms folded. I meet her gaze head on. "It's not anywhere you'll find on a map, and probably not anywhere I can ever return to." Her eyes widen and I hear Zoro make an upset noise beside me.

There's silence across the two boats as that sinks in. "Is that why you were crying when we first met?" Luffy asks from the bow, not turning his view from the ocean.

"Yeah…" I murmur, slumping down into the dinghy.

"Is it just really hard to find?" Nami questions, curiosity and a little bit of desperation in her tone. "Or was it destroyed? Like a Buster Call—"

"Nami," Luffy interrupts, an edge in his voice I am entirely unaccustomed to.

Nami jumps a bit and Zoro tenses up beside me. "Sorry…" she mutters.

I force my face into an easy smile. "Nah, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to bring the mood down! Where are we headed again? Uh, Gecko Islands?"

The look Nami gives me says she knows damn well what I'm doing. "Yeah. That should be the closest."

I nod, "Cool, cool."

There's another long moment of silence. "Ok. Zoro, I'm gonna nap on your man tiddies now."

"You're gonna what on my what?"

—

I actually do end up napping on Zoro's chest, out of what I assume is pity. Eh, worth it. Those things are fucken comfortable.

I jolt awake what I think is a few hours later. The sky is dark and there's only the dull light of a hooded lantern on Nami's ship that lets me look around for the source of my sudden consciousness.

I identify it as Nami herself quietly settling down near the bow of her ship, a guilty look shot in my direction as she registers she woke me.

I untangle myself from Luffy's rubber limbs, which had wound around both me and Zoro when he joined us at some point. I carefully, and very slowly so as to not take an untimely dip in the drink, hop ships to Nami's slightly nicer boat.

"You mind?" I whisper, gesturing to the open space next to her. She gives me a small smile and nod. I gingerly slide to the floor, mindful of my side.

I am fucking amazed by how fine I feel for it not having been that long since I was slashed open.

"I'm sorry if I pushed too hard earlier," Nami interrupts my inner dialogue.

I quietly scoff. "Oh please. I'm not gonna fault you for poking at my past, it's much less interesting than you think." She raises an eyebrow. "No seriously. My life was fucking boring until I met Luffy."

The eyebrow lifts further. "You said you're from an island that's not on any map. I think that's pretty spectacular."

I shake my head. "It's not that cool. Hell, it's not even good at times. It had problems and issues out the wazoo and honestly… I feel horrible that I like it better here." She looks at me with clear surprise written on her face. I meet it with a grimace of a smile. "Yaknow, I'm probably the only person in this world who knows anything about where I'm from. And still… I can't help but hate it just a little."

Nami is quiet for a second, then whispers more to the night than to me. "You don't have to love everything about where you're from. One good memory, one person, or one beautiful place. That's all you have to love about it."

I study her for a moment, wondering if I should say something. "It's hard carrying an entire place on your back, huh?"

Fuck it we ball.

She lets pure horror light up her face for but a moment before it's locked behind a mask of resigned amusement. "Am I that obvious?"

I just huff and shake my head. "When people speak from experience, I tend to listen. Plus, detective."

Quiet once again reigns over the two ships, silent in the night. "How about this," Nami starts, staring straight up, "I'll tell you one thing I love about my home, and you tell me one you love about yours. That way we can both lighten each other's load just a little."

"Sure," I murmur into my knees with a smile.

"Ok… My favourite place in the world is a tangerine grove right outside my childhood house. I used to hide away in that grove for hours…" she lets out a wistful sigh. "Ok, your turn." I contemplate for a bit. Nami seems to take the prolonged non-response as judgement. "Or not, it's ok if you don't want to—"

"My favourite place," I interrupt her, "was the pet store fish aisle." I can see Nami's face scrunch as she tries to keep it together, but a snort still slips out. "No, I'm serious. I spent so much time there the employees knew me by name. That's not normal for pet stores where I'm from."

"Why the hell did you go to a pet store to stare at fish?" she asks through muffled giggles.

I raise my eyebrows, still smiling. "Dude, I was landlocked my entire life, if I wanted to stare at fish this was the best option!"

She grins at me, incredulous. "Why would you even want to stare at fish?"

I laugh just a little too loud in the quiet. "I just really liked fish. I wanted to be a mermaid so bad when I was a kid."

"I thought you wanted to join the circus?" comes Zoro's voice from the other boat.

Both me and Nami shriek in surprise, waking our captain who mumbles out, "the meat man…" before promptly falling back to sleep. The three of us burst into uncontrollable wheezing.

"Fuck, my side!" I hiss between laughs, stab wound setting off sparklers in my nervous system.

I'm getting waaaay too attached to these lunatics.

Notes:

Poor Buggy out here having the worst day of his life. And it only gets worse from here for him :( But Ed is having the time of their life go bad bitch gooooo. Also trauma? Haven't heard of her. Is it some kind of spice?

Next up is Syrup Village which I'm real exited for heeheehhehehe

Chapter 8: Chapter Eight: I Lie, I Do It All The Time

Summary:

Chop - Vundabar

"A detective?!" he shrieks, looking like I've just brought the Antichrist to his firstborn's baptism. "My natural enemy!" Oh, hadn't even thought of that. Detectives are supposed to be bastions of truth or some shit… too bad I'm a lying liar who lies.

Notes:

The length of this thing really got away from me, so longer chapter today.

(For reference I try to keep the chapters around 3k, this one is nearly 4k :P)

((Future edit from future me doing the Big Edit™ April 30th 2024, BESTIE REMEMBER WHEN YOU DIDN'T WRITE 4K+ EVERY CHAPTER? HOW NICE WAS THAT?))

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

We run ashore on the Gecko Islands a few hours after daybreak. "Wow! There's really an island here!" Luffy marvels, amazed by the simple act of navigation.

"We followed the map, what'd you expect to happen?" Nami asks incredulously, shooting me a matching look.

"We got lost a lot," I shrug. She just shakes her head in disbelief.

Luffy bounces along the beach, staring down the path cut in the hill. "Is there a village here?"

Nami nods, tucking away her map. "More like a small hamlet, but they should have everything we need."

Luffy immediately starts cheering. "Meat! Meat! Meat!"

Zoro hops out of the dinghy and stretches. "Been forever since I last stood on solid ground!"

Luffy sticks his tongue out at Zoro and laughs. "It's 'cause you're always sleeping!"

I shake my head. "It's been less than 48 hours…"

It's at this point I lock onto the shapes of three small kids and one scrawny teen crouched in the bushes. Wow they are… bad at that. Is that Usopp's nose peeking through the bush?

"By the way, I just happened to notice… what the hell are those guys doing?" Zoro asks conversationally, popping a katana out of its sheath by an inch.

I roll my eyes. "I'm 90% sure those are kids, calm your pillowy chest."

Zoro lets go of his sword to lunge at me, attempting to rock my shit. I, like the mature person I am, hide behind Nami. "Say that again you little shit!"

"DON'T RUN AWAY?!" comes the screaming voice of Usopp. I can just make out the heads of the three kids that follow him around running away at top speed, screaming all the while.

This is the part where I try to banish all thoughts of Maes Hughes and the voice they share.

Usopp stares at us like a deer in headlights for a minute before snapping into a shaking action pose and pointing at us dramatically. "I am the great pirate Captain Usopp, who's in charge of the security in this village! It's best if you don't try to attack, or my 80 thousand men are not going to forgive you!"

We all pause for a moment. "…You're lying, aren't you," Nami deadpans.

Usopp's eyes bug out. "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

Nami shoots me a sly grin. "You just admitted it yourself…"

"SHIT!" Usopp screams into his hands.

"He was lying?!" Luffy's jaw drops.

Usopp visibly scrambles before adopting this twitching false smug… thing. "I may have exaggerated the number… but I do have a great many men at my command!"

"You mean those three kids who ran away screaming?" I ask, leaning against Nami with a catty grin.

Usopp starts so hard he knocks himself off balance, arms pinwheeling and face white. "Are you psychic?!"

"Just a detective, nothing that fantastical," I lie out of my ass. Explaining that I'm from some kinda alternative reality where they're all fictional characters nonwithstanding, this guy's a fucking terrible liar.

"You're neat!" Luffy laughs.

Usopp huffs and whips out his slingshot, taking aim right at Luffy. "Hey! Don't insult me! I'm a proud man and I won't stand for it! Last warning, or you'll get to see why they call me 'Proud Usopp!'" The smile slides from Luffy's face, and he dips his head so the straw hat shades his eyes. "My slingshot skills are far greater than your average pistol!"

"At the very least he's better than me…" I mumble to Nami, who stifles a laugh.

"Now that you've drawn your pistol, put your life on the line." Luffy's voice rings clear like a bell, a small smirk popping out from under his hat. "Guns aren't for threats, they're for actions. Are you willing to risk your life?"

I see Zoro smirk and pop open his katana again. "What you're looking at are real pirates, consider your next move carefully."

I slide to my Captain's right and brush aside my flannel to reveal my pistol. "You should know, I'm a master of the quick draw. Wouldn't even take a second for me to put a hole in that nose of yours," I bluff, channeling my inner badass to give this poor fucker the hardest intimidating stare down of his life.

Usopp visibly struggles against our front, sweat pouring down his face in buckets. His face and posture crumple and he drops his ammo. He then dramatically falls to his knees and whimpers out, "good golly fuck you pirates are scary!"

Me, Luffy and Zoro exchange looks before bursting into laughter. "I stole that!" Luffy squeezes out. "From Shanks, a pirate I know!"

Usopp wheezes into the ground. "Red-Haired Shanks?! The Emperor?!"

Luffy just keeps laughing. "Yeah. Your dad's Yasopp, right?" Usopp jolts forward with a huge smile, which then sends him skidding down the outcropping he's perched on and sprawling into the sand.

He bangs his head no less than two times and I silently remind myself to check his ass for a concussion later. He looks up dazed and blinks stupidly at Luffy. "Yeah, Yasopp is my dad… how do you know that?"

Luffy and I exchange looks, I click my teeth a couple times and his eyes light up. "I'll tell you all about it, but first!"

—

"Meat! Fresh meat!" Luffy cries, scarfing down on a slab the size of his head. After hearing our demands of 'food and not much else' Usopp led the lot of us to the restaurant we're sat in now.

"It's pretty good, huh?" Usopp boasts, like he had anything to do with the preparation of the food.

Luffy nods enthusiastically. "So I met your dad when I was a kid!"

Usopp raises his eyebrows with a grin. "So my old man really knows Shanks?"

While the two of them chat about that shit I turn to Zoro and his bizarre setup. "So do you normally sit your swords like they're a paying customer when you go to a restaurant, or is this a new development?"

He gives me an amused smirk through a mouthful of rice. "What, you want their seat?"

I smirk back, leaning on folded hands. "Maybe I do."

Nami glances back and forth between us like she's looking at a particularly ugly abstract painting. "What the hell is with you two?"

I swivel all of my attention to her, batting my eyelashes. "I'm sorry, Nami darling. I don't mean to deprive you of my attention!" She scoffs, but I see the smile she hides behind her hand.

"Anyways, maybe you can help us, Usopp!" she turns to him, dazzling smile turned up to a thousand watts. He seems complexity oblivious to the attempt at charm, so she rolls her eyes and continues. "Do you know someone who can set us up with a decent ship, or anyone who can sail?"

Usopp's face pinches in thought. "It's a pretty small village. Sorry, but I don't think we'll be able to help you!" His face melts into this… smug/nervous/sleazy thing.

"What about that place on the hill?" Zoro asks. Usopp goes stock still, eye twitching. "The mansion," he clarifies.

Nami claps her hands excitedly. "Do you know them?! With all that money surely they could help!"

"You stay away from there!" Usopp suddenly snaps. We all pause to stare at him, even Luffy stops chewing for a second to look. Then his brain catches up to his mouth and his face goes pale. "Haha! Just remembered something I had to do, gotta go bye! Eat as much as you want!" And then he runs out of the place like we set his hair on fire.

We blink at each other for a second before Luffy goes back to stuffing his face. "Weird…" Nami mutters.

I shrug, shovelling more fish in my mouth. "Not our problem 'till it's our problem."

We eat in peace for another ten minutes before Usopp's little friends burst in with a yell of, "the Usopp Pirates have arrived!" The owner remains completely unfazed. The kids scuttle up to our table screeching, "what'd you do with Captain Usopp?!"

Luffy, completely oblivious to that shit, rubs his distended stomach with a sigh. "That was delicious!" The kids recoil in horror as they connect dots that did not need connecting.

Me, Nami and Zoro all exchange looks, evil smiles creeping up our faces. "A little stringy for my taste, but what can you do?" I sigh dramatically.

Zoro leans forward, leering. "If you're looking for your Captain… We ate him."

"CANNIBALS!" they scream, promptly falling to the ground as we burst into laughter.

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I just missed fucking with kids," I say between chuckles.

"Little asshole," Nami grumbles at me.

"Anyways, your Captain flipped his lid after we brought up the mansion then left. My guess, he's tight with whoever lives there and doesn't want random weirdos he's just met screwing with them." The look of shock on the kids faces is making me want to press the envelope further… "The way he jumped to protect that place… makes me think he's got a sweetheart living up in that house."

The kids eyes bug out and the middle one screeches out "Witch! Pirate witch who can read minds!"

"Not a witch, just a detective," I roll my eyes.

"Same thing with you…" Zoro mutters.

"Anywho, could you take us to the mansion maybe?"

The kids exchange looks before the one in the middle nods. "Ok, sure."

—

When we get outside of the mansion gates Luffy is marvelling at the size of it. "What's he come here for?"

"He comes to lie!" one of the kids tells us cheerfully.

"That horrible!" Nami cries.

"He's not a bad guy! He's awesome!" they quickly reassure us.

"How is a liar awesome?" Zoro asks with a scoff. For some reason that felt targeted…

"The girl who lives here, Kaya, has had terrible depression that keeps her sick and in bed since her parents got sick and died a few years ago." Leave it to kids to be blunt and straight to the point.

"Yeah depression is a bitch like that," I add. Nami and Zoro shoot me concerned looks, which I ignore.

"She's super rich, but she's still so sad…"

"So our Captain tells her special made-up stories to make her laugh! He's the best at telling lies!"

"What a nice guy!" Luffy exclaims.

"So his stories make her feel better?" Nami asks.

"Great! I think we should ask her for a ship after all!" Luffy yells, pumping a fist in the air.

"Getting in is impossible because of the guards at the gate." The kids tell us.

Then I notice that Luffy has disappeared from my side. "I'll go ask her!" his voice says from atop the gates.

He starts stretching to slingshot himself and we all pile on him yelling, "no no no!"

We go soaring through the sky and crash into the ground screaming right outside Kaya's window.

"Fucken Christ, Luffy, a warning next time!" I grouse, rubbing my side. My side which I realize with a start barely hurts at all anymore. I file that away to analyze later.

"Sorry, Ed!" he laughs, scrambling to his feet to help me up.

"A — are you alright?" a girls voice calls from above us. Kaya is hanging out her window and staring at us in clear concern, while Usopp up in his tree flounders around.

"It's ok! Don't mind them, it happens all the time. They're new recruits trying to join the Usopp Pirates!"

Luffy dusts off his hat and shakes his head. "Nah, I'm here to ask a favour!"

Kaya blinks in surprise. "A favour from me?"

"Yeah! I was wondering if there was any way you could help us get a boat—"

"You, there!" Luffy is cut off. Rounding the corner with a glare is the asshole of the hour, the bastard butler, the caustic cat man, the… that's all I got.

"What are you doing here?" he questions, striding up to us.

"Klahadore…" Kaya mutters.

"Get out. You're trespassing," he spits out, doing his weird glasses adjusting thing.

We just kinda stare at each other for a second before Luffy tilts his head. "Who's this guy?"

"Actually Klahadore, these people are—"

"Not now Kaya," the dickbag interrupts, "you can tell me all about these… people, after they leave." He keeps stalking towards us. "Now out, all of you. Unless you have some business with me."

"Ok! Can you help us get a ship?" Luffy asks optimistically.

Klahadore sticks his nose up. "Certainly not!"

He deflates and Zoro pats his back.

Klahadore's eyes lock onto where Usopp is attempting to hide. "Usopp! I've heard all about you… you're very well known in the village."

Usopp freezes before nervously turning his head back. "Yeah?"

The butler smirks. "I hear you've been on many an adventure, quite impressive for someone as young as you."

Usopp flashes him a shaky smile. "You can call me Captain Usopp!"

Klahadore scoffs. "Captain, huh? Your father had something of a reputation as well."

Usopp jerks forward. "What?"

Kaya leans further out the window, eyes wide. "Klahadore, please stop!"

"You'll never be more than the son of a filthy pirate! Who knows what trouble you're up to now, so I ask that you leave the lady of the house out of your business!" God this guy is such an asshole!

"Filthy pirate…" Usopp mutters.

Klahadore stares down his nose at Usopp condescendingly. "You and her are from completely different worlds and you know it! Is it money you're after? How much do you want?"

Kaya's face hardens for the first time since we've seen her. "That's enough Klahadore! Apologize to Usopp!"

"Hey! Be careful Kaya!" Usopp says with concern colouring his tone.

Klahadore's expression doesn't budge an inch. "What reason do I have to apologize to this savage man, my lady?" This guy ticks me off so fucking bad… "I'm merely stating the truth. I sympathize with you, really. You must hate your great idiot of a father for abandoning his family and village because of his mindless lust for treasure!"

"Klahadore stop!" Kaya shouts.

Usopp jumps down from the tree, using a grappling hook that comes out of his waist bag (which somehow works?) to slow his descent. He lands on the ground furious. I can see him gearing up to yell and fight so I step right into Klahadore's view.

"That's enough. You heard the lady, shut your fucking mouth," I spit.

"And who might you be?" he asks, clear disdain written all over his face.

"E. D. Domino, detective and filthy pirate. You say another word out of line, I swear to god you'll have more to worry about then that girl's reprimand," I growl, pushing Usopp back just a bit.

His face twists in what I think is amusement. "Is that a threat?"

I can hear Nami behind me whispering, "what the hell are they doing?!"

I square my stance and lift my chin. "No sir. When I'm threatening you, you'll know." I tap my chin in exaggerated thought. "Say, I might just be losing what's left of my marbles, but you look a bit familiar…"

Am I poking the hornet's nest? Absolutely. Am I going to stop? Hell fucking no. This guy is a huge asshole and I feel nothing but satisfaction.

His face twists up in a snarl. "I think it's best you leave now."

I glare down my nose at him. "I have to agree. We'll see ourselves out. Oh, and in the future you should take care to listen to your employer. Cutting off a young lady is reprehensible behaviour."

I spin on my heel, grabbing tight onto Usopp's arm, and start my march to the front gates. I hear the rest of my companions fall in behind me while I walk. Luffy saddles up right next to me. "That was pretty cool. I wanted to hit him."

I laugh quietly. "Maybe hold that thought until we leave the premises. I might still turn around to clock that son of a bitch."

Luffy giggles and Nami lets out this choked noise behind me. "Please don't go around punching butlers…"

"Nah, I think we should go back and stab the guy," Zoro suggests from where he's behind me. Once we get outside the gates and past the guards, whom I politely stick my tongue out at, Usopp rips his arm out of my hand.

"I should say thank you for standing up for me, but… I'm proud my father was a pirate, and a Brave Warrior of the Sea! And — and that's not something I have to be ashamed of!" he yells, then turns and runs full tilt down the road away from us.

"I'm gonna chase that guy!" Luffy calls with a grin, bounding after Usopp and waving.

"Wait, Luffy!" Nami yells in vain.

"Yeah, he's gone," Zoro mutters. We walk for a while more, before eventually settling down against a fence.

"Real talk guys, I'm 90% sure that fucker is a dead pirate Captain." My statement is met with noises of shock and disbelief.

"How the hell do you figure that?" Nami ogles.

"Right, so there was this pretty well known pirate Captain a few years back. His ass got gotten by the Marines, ironically I think it was Captain Morgan who took him in… Anyways he got executed," I explain.

Nami raises an eyebrow, "So why do you think this random butler is some dead pirate Captain?"

I roll my eyes. "Because I've seen his bounty poster. You probably have too, like three-ish years ago?" I look to Zoro.

He scratches his head. "Maybe? What's this guy's name?"

"Captain Kuro. He was famous for these weird knife gloves he called cat claws. Real weirdo," I offer.

He smacks a fist into his hand. "Oh yeah, I remember that guy. Are you sure? How the hell would he have faked his own execution? And why would he come here?"

I twirl a strand of my hair. "Actually I have a theory about that, his First Mate was some kind of hypnotist. He could have just had him oogly boogly the Marines into thinking any random chump was him."

Zoe shakes his head. Nami pipes up, "there's still no motive. Why would he come here of all places?"

I shrug. "Probably for Kaya's fortune, or chose a really weird retirement plan." I turn to the kids. "Any input? When did this fucker get here?"

One kid, Carrot I think his name was? tilts his head. "About three years ago… he showed up on Miss Kaya's doorstep saying he had been left for dead by the ship he was on. Her parents took him in as a butler."

I snap my fingers and smirk. "So he fakes his death, jumps ship, washes ashore on the first place he comes across, finds the first rich people who will take pity on him and slithers into their good graces. Her parents died not too long after he got here, right?" The absolute horror on the kids' faces is kind of making me feel bad for pointing this out. "I'm just saying—"

Nami waves her hands, a grimace on her face. "Stop, stop! Your weird theory is done now."

Zoro scoffs. "I'll believe it when I see proof."

I smirk at him. "Would you like to make a bet on it? Say… 2,000 berri?"

He squints at me for a moment. "Fine. Deal." He reaches out for a fist bump which I return with glee. This is fun.

Can't call it a gambling addiction if I'm doing it with guaranteed success.

Nami gives me a nod of respect that I return gracefully. Scamming men is something bad bitches have in common. I can feel the start of a beautiful friendship on the horizon…

"So, is this something we should tell Luffy and your — uh… Captain Usopp? Where are they anyways?" Nami asks, head on a swivel as if they could be anywhere within half a mile without us knowing.

"He probably went to his secret spot, by the shore," the kids tell us, "he always goes there when he wants to think. Should we go look for him?"

"Huh? Nah, don't bother," Zoro lazily responds.

Nami rolls her eyes. "Luffy will be fine, and we don't need to bother your Captain with this yet. But where's your other friend?"

"Oh, Onion? He just up and disappears all the time, then shows up all freaked out."

It's on that cue that the third kid comes screaming and crying up the road. Wait, no, that's just sweat. A lot of it. He skids to a stop in front of us, huffing and puffing. "Some nut job is coming here and he only walks backwards!"

The kids glare at him and in unison shout, "liar!"

He shakes his head. "No, really! Look!"

We all look down the road where an ominous figure approaches. And by that I mean a guy in a fedora, heart sunglasses, false beard, and leg warmers comes moonwalking right for us.

What kind of drugs was Oda on when making this monstrosity up?

"Fucken weirdo," both me and Zoro mutter at the same time.

"Which one of you called me weird? I'm just a normal guy!" the weirdo announces, coming to a jazzy stop in front of us. What LSD fueled PTSD fit did this fucker walk out of?

Nami cringes back from him. "You look insane."

He strikes a pose in response. "No! I'm a normal run of the mill hypnotist!" I throw a look at Zoro, who averts his eyes. Poor baby doesn't know when to quit.

"Show us something!" the kids yell.

"What?! No! You think I'd just show my secret techniques to a bunch of strangers?" he shouts, shuffling through dramatic poses. Then pulls out his chakram and starts swinging it in front of the kids. "Alright. Watch this ring closely."

"What a ham," Zoro scoffs.

"On the count of three you'll feel sleepy. One, two, Jango!" He does successfully make the kids fall asleep, at the cost of he himself passing out on the ground too. God this guy is weird.

"Who is this freaky weirdo?!" Zoro squawks. I just kinda… kick him. In the leg, gently.

He startles awake with a snort. "Wha? Yes! Normal run of the mill hypnotist!"

"…Dude."

"Do you have somewhere you need to be?" Nami asks impatiently.

Jango's eyebrows fly into his hairline. "Shit! I need to go!" He then proceeds to do what I can only call a speed walking version of the moonwalk, which was not something I thought I'd see in my lifetime, down the road away from us.

I turn to Zoro with a shit eating grin. "…and that was his First Mate."

His face pinches and he looks away from me again, sweat dripping down his face. "…still not buying it."

I roll my eyes. "If his First Mate is in town and these kids don't recognize him, he's probably moving forward with whatever his plan is. If it's some kind of attack, they're most likely to land on the north shore, where we did."

"Either way, what do you want to do about it?" Nami asks, shaking the kids awake.

I hum. "I think I'm gonna go try and talk to Miss Kaya. Convince her that something is wrong." I hop off my perch on the fence.

"And if she doesn't believe you or, god forbid, you're wrong?" Zoro questions.

I look over my shoulder at him. "Easy. I make her believe me."

Notes:

Did I just canonize that this takes place in the anime's English dub? Maybe, maybe not.

In other news I bought a small anime sword and it's now the coolest thing I own. Three guesses as to who's sword it is lmao

Chapter 9: Chapter Nine: C'est P't'être La Dernière Fois

Summary:

Dommage - Bigflo & Oli

Her home is opulently decorated, this shit looks straight out of Ouran High School Host Club. I make sure to stick very close to Kaya so I don't bump into any priceless vases. Also to keep her upright. That too.

Notes:

Any other Canadian babes remember this song from French class? No? Alright.

Also my ass keeps making these innocuous and obscure statements in the fic that are completely foreshadowing and no one is ever going to pick up on them but I want you to know they're there.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Sneaking back into Kaya's mansion is nothing short of a bitch. I spend like ten minutes just dicking around to find the block of hedge Usopp uses to get in and out, and when I finally find it my fucking hair gets caught in the branches.

I am also very bad at climbing trees. So that takes me a while. It's funny since I actually have pretty damn good balance when I'm not tripping all over myself, nature just hates me.

It's well past dusk as I toss a pebble I snatched from the ground at Kaya's window frame, not the glass because I'm not an idiot. She swings it open with a surprising amount of force for a sickly girl.

"Usopp, you — ! …You're not Usopp?" she stutters out, confused.

I'm just clinging to my branch like the whole tree will come down if I shift wrong. "Hey, hi. It's me again. Quick ask, how long until the assman comes to check on you again?" She makes a shocked snort then immediately covers her mouth in embarrassment. "No, please laugh. I'm funny on purpose," I grin at her. She lets out another giggle. "Really though, when's clod-hadore coming by next?"

She hesitates for a second. "Shouldn't be for quite a few hours… why?" I immediately scramble across the branch with all the grace of a newborn fawn, only almost falling out of the tree as I tumble into Kaya's room.

"I forgot how bad I was at that!" I huff, rolling off her bed and dusting myself off. I turn to the bewildered girl with a smile. "I don't believe we've been properly introduced, Miss Kaya! I'm E. D. Domino, please just call me Ed."

"Ah, yes, I remember you from earlier. Please just call me Kaya!" she shyly smiles. "Can I ask… why are you here?"

My face drops into a grimace and her smile dims. "Yeah… you might wanna sit down."

She tentatively does take a seat on her bed, wringing her hands and nibbling on her lip. "Honey, you aren't gonna like this, or want to hear it but…" I struggle to find the words.

"…But?" she prompts.

I bite the bullet and blurt it out. "So Klahadore is definitely not who you think he is, and absolutely wants to kill you."

That shocks her into an upright position so fast I swear I hear her spine protest. "Excuse me?! Please don't say such hurtful things…"

"Kaya, that man's real identity is Captain Kuro. The Man Of A Thousand Plans, and Captain of the Black Cat Pirates. He faked his death three years ago. I'm preeetty sure he's trying to steal your fortune."

"Stop! Klahadore isn't — he isn't like that!" she denies, shaking her head and tightening her fists. Guess it's gonna be the hard way. "He's been taking care of me for years, he would never—"

"Never what? Lie to you? Hurt you?" I press.

Her hands are white as the sheets she's clenching. "No! He's a good man, he isn't—"

"Don't be naive!" I snap. If it's a wake up call this girl needs, it's a wake up call she'll fucking get. "Even if he wasn't a pirate trying to steal your fortune, which he is , he's still a lying asshole!" I start pacing in circles, taking care to keep my distance from her bed so she won't get more jumpy.

"Let me lay it out. He constantly interrupts you, undermines your authority, makes important decisions without you while telling you it's what's best, probably invokes the memory of your parents while doing it. Classic signs of a manipulative asshole! I should know, a fair few have tried to date me…" I trail off.

You'd think after the first three guys I turned down they'd get the memo, but nope. And it's not even that I don't like men! Because I do! Anyways.

"That's — how did you..?" Her voice is uncertain and I can see on her face something in there got through. Now I just need to press the right angle.

"Is he constantly using the 'your parents asked me to take care of you so you have to listen to me' card?"

Her face morphs into open shock before crumpling. "But — but — this whole time… He — !" I can see tears building in her eyes and goddamn nothing makes the high of victory sting quite like a young lady crying.

I soften my face. "Kaya, I'm sorry."

Her face pinches as she presses her hands to her face. "Please don't apologize… I just feel so stupid! In retrospect it — it's quite obvious something was wrong…" She jumps up from her bed, only swaying a little on her feet. "I want to ask him about this directly!"

I rush forward to balance her. "Whoa whoa whoa, I'm not sure that's such a great idea?" I really don't want him to shank her ass… not to mention he would probably kill me without a second thought.

"I need to. If what you say is true… then he has a lot to answer for in regards to my parents." The fire in this girl's eyes is actually a little scary, so I hook an arm through hers and help her out the door and down the hall.

"Christ, you are rich," I mumble.

She sighs. "I've never really cared about the money, even with everything I own and could pay for, I couldn't save my parents…" Shit I forgot she was like super depressed.

"Sometimes there's just nothing you can do to help. Especially when it comes to parents." I try not to let bitterness infect my tone, but by the look on Kaya's face, I fail.

She hesitates for a second. "Are they…"

I shake my head. "Oh they're still kicking, last I checked. I just ruined their marriage. It happens."

Her eyes widen and the hand she's clutching onto my arm tightens. "I'm sure that isn't—"

She cuts herself off when we hear the low rumble of conversation in the room we're outside of. We pause right next to the door.

I can faintly make out Merry's voice with short clipped responses from Klahadore. And suddenly I'm reminded that Merry gets fucking stabbed at some point in this part of the story. Shit.

I tuck Kaya behind me and pull my pistol out of my waistband. Even if I can't shoot the damn thing for shit, having it as a threat is still worth the effort. I lean back and whisper to her, "no matter what, stay behind me and do not draw attention to yourself."

She gives me a meek nod. I try for a reassuring smile, but then we hear the crunch of glass and metal from inside, followed by Merry's shout of shock. "Klahadore, what are you doing to Miss Kaya's present!?"

I press my ear to the door to listen better, Kaya following close behind. "Oh I'll be receiving a gift alright, but it won't be glasses. It'll be her entire estate!" comes the shitstains acerbic response. "Guess there's no reason to carry on the act. In a few hours the village will be mourning an unforeseen tragedy…" I can hear the tell-tale clink of blades as Merry makes more noises of shock.

Merry's shout of, "Miss you have to run — !" is drowned out as I push Kaya back from the door to wretch it open, pistol pointed straight ahead of me.

From the door I can see Merry's cowering back and the dark shape of Klahadore lunging forward, claw-like blades poised for a devastating attack.

I don't even think. I just pull the trigger.

Two bullets left.

In the split second it takes for my bullet to travel toward Klahadore, for once looking like it will actually hit its mark, I see his strike divert to block its path. "The hell?" he growls, following the origin of the strike to us.

"Evening, you cantankerous bitch," I intone, expression flat and gun still levelled at the human refuse.

"So it seems you really did have me figured out," he snarls, glare sharp and menacing. Merry starts scrambling back behind me as I step into the room.

"That detective title isn't just for show," I smirk.

He looks past me to Kaya. "I don't suppose that conversation slipped past your ears, my lady?"

Kaya's quiet shaking voice is crystal clear in the otherwise silent room. "So it's true? You really are a pirate Captain here for my fortune?"

Klahadore's eyes flash. "Wow, you really do know your stuff. I'd congratulate you on a case well solved, but I'm afraid you won't be leaving this place alive."

Man I really wanna shoot that smug look off his face… When did I get so trigger happy?

Klahadore adjusts his glasses with an open palm. "Truly, it's a shame and a waste. This could have all gone so much smoother if it went according to plan." His face twists into a rotten smirk. "Wonderful, then, that I always have a backup."

Oh god it's time for the witty villain back and forth. I don't know if I have enough comebacks for this…

"I wouldn't count us out yet. As you saw I'm quite a good shot with this thing," lying out my ass will have to do, "and in regards to your pathetic invasion attempt, we already have a capable team on the north shore ready to meet them."

The smirk falls off his face, furious scowl taking its place. "Ah. So you know about that as well. Are you sure your… 'capable team' is enough to take on my entire crew?"

I scoff. "Yeah, your crew, which is probably a bunch of nobodies riding on your coattails? Please. Without you there to back them up, they're useless."

Scamming this asshole into thinking there's a bigger fight is literally my only shot at getting out of this with the three of us still in one piece, pardon the pun.

His face pinches. "Be that as it may…"

I cut him off with another scoff. "If you're counting on that hypnotist idiot you've already lost. I've seen my Captain bite through knives. His chakrams may as well be bagels."

All of the colour flees Klahadore's face. I see his body language shift, indicating his intent to make one last desperate attack before running.

I fire my pistol at him. I miss wildly.

One bullet left.

It is however enough to make him flinch back, one last resentful glare shot at me before he's jumping out the window with a crash.

I wait two beats before deflating with a huge sigh. I turn around to see Merry holding onto Kaya, both of them cowering in the doorway. "Well fuck, did not think that would get his ass to back off."

Merry makes a strangled choking sound and Kaya hesitantly steps towards me. "What — what now?"

I sigh again, tucking my single shot pistol back into my waistband. "I'm gonna go to the north shore and make sure everything is going smoothly, honestly I was kinda bluffing about knowing if my crew's there. Knowing my idiots they might have gone to the wrong shore…"

I turn back to the pair. "Kaya, stay with Merry. And try not to do anything too stupid, please?" With nods from the two of them I start off down the hall to leave.

"Wait how the hell do I get out of here, this place is huge!"

—

After a quick and stress-filled jog through Syrup Village, only getting lost once thank you very much, I make it to the north beach. I arrive to… a sight.

There's a pile of oil soaked pirates at the bottom of the slope, a slicked up slight bloody Zoro huffing over two cat themed weirdos, Luffy swinging Jango around by his ankles, and Nami and a bruised and bloody Usopp at the top of the hill looking bewildered.

"What the fuck did I miss?" I announce, looking around confused.

Nami grins, pulling me into a brief side hug when I trot up to them. "It's been a really weird morning. We got here early, poured some oil down the hill and tricked the pirates, that hypnotist guy tricked Luffy so he's letting out some frustration on him, it just keeps getting worse."

"Why does Usopp look like he crawled out of a slasher film?" I ask, licking my thumb and leaning around Nami to wipe some of the blood off his face.

He doesn't move away and his nose scrunches. "I fought some guys. Poorly."

Did I just do the mom thing? When kids have shit on their face? To Usopp?

Damn dying really changed me.

Nami makes a disagreeing sound. "You didn't do that bad, it was actually pretty brave…"

Usopp's face goes bright red under my palm. "That's why they call me 'Usopp The Brave'!"

I pat his cheek and take my hand back. "Right. Anything else?"

Nami sounds a long suffering groan. "Ed, I'm so thankful for you telling us the pirates would be coming from this shore. Even so, it was only me, Luffy and Usopp for the first half of the fight!"

Usopp pipes up from Nami's other side, "Zoro was late because he got lost and went to the wrong hill."

"Shut up!" said lunatic growls as he stomps over to us, wiping excess oil off his… everything.

"Why are you so… shiny?" I inquire. He mumbles something I can't quite make out. "What was that?"

"I slipped and fell!" he snaps.

I blink at him. "How many times? Twenty?" His wonderful squawking noises make a triumphant return.

Then Jango comes slamming into the cliff face near us as Luffy tosses him. "Woohoo! Ed! Ed! Did you see?!" he hollers.

I send him an enthusiastic thumbs up. "Great job, baby! Keep it up!"

Nami rolls her eyes and turns back to me. "Where have you been this whole time?"

I groan, rubbing a hand down my face. "Fuuuuuck, I have had such a — ok. I have never been to this island before. That was the first time I had been in that girl's house. I felt like Zoro up in this bitch, with how much I was getting lost!"

Zoro makes an offended noise that's drowned out by Nami and Usopp's laughter. "Anyways, I convinced Kaya shit was up, stopped Merry from getting fucking murdered by the assman, then came here."

"Murdered?"

"Assman?"

"Speaking of the assman, where the hell is he? He ran off before I left, so how did I get here first?" I ask, looking around for the fucker.

"Simple. I was in no rush," the fucker in question's voice replies from behind me. I squeak and scramble away from that before turning around. Klahadore is stood tall, one clawed hand poised and pushing up his glasses.

"However, it has been quite a while since dawn," he glares down at his subordinates, "so I have to ask… WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!" And now he's screaming. Wonderful. It's way too damn early for his shit.

"B — but sir, you said letting the kid go wouldn't cause any problems..?" Jango stutters out from where he's half embedded in the wall, legs twitching.

Klahadore scoffs. "Yes, I did say that. What's your point? He's an idiot who I knew no one would believe."

He shifts his glare to me. "The real problem was this one. Somehow, after only being on the island for less than 24 hours and meeting the both of us once, they figured the whole thing out." The glare swivels back to Jango, who's finally pulled himself from the wall. "Even then, I hadn't accounted for you guy's inexcusable weakness!"

Jango fumbles for a response, but it actually comes from the downed cat guys. "You're calling us weak?!"

The two of them start ranting and raving as Klahadore or whatever he wants to be called stares on impassively. "Your point?"

"You've done nothing these past three years! There's no way you could beat the Meowban Brothers now!"

With that the pair of them, scratched and bruised and bloody from fighting Zoro, shoot past the lot of us to charge right at Klahadore. Jango makes an exclamation of shock as Klahadore literally disappears for a second, reappearing behind them, then disappears again.

"Pussyfoot Maneuver!" Jango cries in terror. I can't hold in my snort. Jango whips his head around to me, eyebrows flying high over his cracked sunglasses. "You dare make fun of our Captain's terrifying technique?!"

I raise a disbelieving eyebrow. "I do when it sounds that stupid!"

Oh right, I remember this shit now. It's a bastardized, off-brand, shittier version of Shave, one of the Six Powers CP9 used… how the hell did this Warrior Cats reject learn it?

"After three years it seems I've become quite generous," he announces, appearing between the cat guys, a blade at each of their throats. "I give you five minutes. If you can't settle this in five minutes… I'll kill all of you myself!"

There's cries of shock and fear from his crew, and I note with just a little bit of pity none of them seem surprised he would take this course of action. The Meowban Brothers, bruised and shaking (whether from their injuries or plain ol' fear), turn back to the group of us.

Zoro steps out from the congregation to stand alone, swords drawn, to face them. With a show of power that is frankly overkill for how much he's already demolished these suckers, Zoro downs the brothers with one single move.

"I won't need five minutes." For how much he claims to be indifferent, he sure has a dramatic streak in him. If I had any more of a death wish I'd call him a theatre kid to his face.

This display seems to shock Jango into action. He whips out his chakrams once again, yelling to his crew in a hoarse voice, "I'll get the straw hatted kid, you all take down the swordsman!" His strategy has really devolved to throwing fodder at him, huh?

"Klahadore! Stop it!" comes a scream from atop the hill. Stood proud at the apex is Kaya, Merry standing nervously behind her.

"Kaya? What are you doing here?!" Usopp questions.

"Kaya, what did I say when I left?!" I yell incredulously at her.

It's a testament to her iron guts that she barely flinches at that. "You said to stay with Merry, and I did!" she gestures to the shaking man behind her.

I smack my hand into my forehead. "I also said not to do anything stupid!"

She just laughs. "You said 'not anything too stupid'! I believe this is just the right amount!" her smile dissolves into a furious glare as she switches her gaze to her former butler. "Klahadore. What you're doing and what you've taken from me… isn't worth the money! If you want it so bad you can have it! Just leave the village!"

Both me and Usopp make squawking sounds.

"Kaya?!"

"Don't give this asshat what he wants?!"

Klahadore finally turns to face her. "You're wrong my lady. It's not only the money I'm after. I want peace of mind." He gets this creepy smile on his face. "Only when I've gotten peace and money will my plans be complete… that's why the attack and your death are essential."

Kaya's face goes slack. Usopp starts yelling from beside me, "Kaya, run! It's no use negotiating with this guy!"

Kaya's expression turns stone cold as she pulls a pistol out of her jacket and levels it with both hands at Klahadore. "LEAVE THIS VILLAGE!" The authority in her voice, which is so different from the soft tone we heard earlier, is entirely dumbfounding to Usopp, who takes a deep breath beside me.

Klahadore lets out a soft chuckle. "You really have gotten stronger these past few years…"

I cut him off before he can begin his rant. "Ok, shut up now. Kaya, your kindness isn't a weakness. But if you can't pull that trigger, put the gun down."

Tears start to drip down her hard face as her hands shake and tighten. "I — I…" For a second I think she might just shoot the man, but then she makes this frustrated noise and drops the gun.

I soften my eyes for her. "That's fine." I draw and point my own pistol at Klahadore. "You should know, I only have one bullet left. And I intend to use it," I spare a fond look for my Captain, who while I was distracted once again put Jango in the dirt (after stabbing Nami, how did I miss that?), "after all, guns are for actions, not threats."

Luffy's laughter is loud among the chatter of the pirates. The glare Klahadore is sending at me could peel paint. "They call you the Man of a Thousand Plans, too bad I only need one."

And I fire.

I miss.

Zero bullets left.

Notes:

Ah, the first of many blunders that will come with using a gun...

But Ed out here making money moves. Also I just love the idea that the oil trap could have worked, it's so funny to me for no reason.

Chapter 10: Chapter Ten: I'm A Liar, Don't Doubt My Sincerity

Summary:

Creature Comfort - Arcade Fire

Me and the weight roll a few times through the dirt and down the hill. We come to a stop, me staring right up into Usopp's terrified bloody face. "HOLY CRAP THAT WAS SCARY!" he screams into my face.

Notes:

I'm very fond of this chapter.

This week on Aachria does whack shit: Explosions and fire. And lots of it.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

In the split second between my bullet finding its end in the dirt and Klahadore's realization that I've flubbed my shot, he's already launching forward to gut me like a fish. I silently resign myself to a second painful death.

"FUCK!" Usopp's voice rings out right before I feel a heavy weight barrel into me, pushing me aside with barely a millimetre of clearance between my face and the strike.

"FUCK!" I respond right back.

Oh my god I fucked that so bad. I had a cool line and everything! What the hell is wrong with me?!

Me and the weight roll a few times through the dirt and down the hill. We come to a stop, me staring right up into Usopp's terrified bloody face. "HOLY CRAP THAT WAS SCARY!" he screams into my face.

"AGREED!" I scream right back.

"I thought you were a master of the quick draw?! I can shoot better than that blindfolded!" he shouts, spit flying into my face.

My surprised look turns offended. "Being quick doesn't mean I'm good! That's the fourth time I've ever shot a gun! Besides, I WAS LYING ABOUT THAT!"

"WHAT?!" I spot something flying at us from the corner of my eye, so I tug Usopp down flat on top of myself as the body of Klahadore goes sailing over us, Luffy's stretchy fist recoiling behind it.

"If you hate being shot at so much I'll make sure to hit you a hundred times!" I make eye contact with his dazzling smile as he laughs loud and unabashedly cocky, "my fists are like pistols after all!"

Witty one-liners, you gotta love 'em.

I turn my head so I can see where Klahadore landed, pushing Usopp's curly hair out of my mouth. He's just kind of standing there… menacingly. "Time's up," he announces, once again adjusting his broken glasses.

At least his depth perception is gonna be shit?

Then he starts swaying.

Aw fuckbuckets.

"Hey, Usopp?"

He turns to look at me, once again getting his wiry hair in my mouth. "Yeah?"

I spit it out. "However stupid it may look, that technique is going to rock our shit. Got any ideas?"

His eyes bug out. "Is it that bad?!"

I scrunch my nose. "Let's put it this way, he's not very good at… scaling it down. Or discriminating what it hits." His lip starts wobbling and sweat drips down his nose onto my face. Ew.

The rhythmic clicking of Klahadore's claws is still audible over the panicked hum of the Black Cat Pirates' pleas for help. Luffy stalks into view, planting himself firmly between the two of us and the clinking Klahadore.

"Luffy…" Usopp mutters.

I call out to my Captain, "Luf, be careful! And watch out for your hat!"

He tosses a grin over his shoulder. "Don't worry! I've got this!"

The clinking comes to an abrupt stop. Klahadore mutters something under his breath and disappears. I had already known what to expect. But holy shit seeing the huge gouges and slashes appear in the rocks and people around us, including my Captain, is fucking terrifying.

And then the dumbest thing happens. Klahadore, going faster than the eye can track, Pussyfoots right into the oil. He doesn't register his mistake at first, just raises a hand to attack or make another stupid proclamation.

Then sweet sweet karmic comeuppance. His feet fly out from under him. He makes a weird "HUAH—" noise that sounds like his lungs trying to exit his body through his mouth as he goes down.

There's a moment of silence across the battlefield. Which is broken by a snort from Kaya of all people. Me Usopp and Nami are quick to join her, as is the rest of the accompaniment, Luffy loudest of all. Even the Black Cat Pirates join in!

Klahadore furiously whips his head around at his subordinates. "Would you shut up!" he yells, but after his willingness to almost murder a good half of them, they don't seem as receptive to his anger. They just keep laughing.

His indignant and oil smeared face is almost enough to make up for him almost flaying me. Then a most beautiful thought enters my brain dome. I slowly turn to Usopp with a wicked grin. "Is that oil… flammable?"

Usopp's entire face lights up. "Yes. Yes it is." He pulls out his slingshot, braces an arm on my shoulder, and lets loose a pellet that explodes on impact. The entire swath of ground slicked in oil, including the pirates still standing in it, are set alight by bright orange flames.

There's some screaming, and a shout of fury from the on-fire Klahadore. I let out another disbelieving laugh. "I love it here…"

"Good god…" I hear Zoro mutter somewhere behind me, Nami humming her horrified yet impressed agreement nearby.

"YOU!" Klahadore howls, scrambling out of the fire looking like a demon escaping hell.

Me and Usopp whip our heads to each other and scream in unison, "WE ONLY MADE HIM COOLER!"

In a move straight out of Ghost Rider, Klahadore attempts the Out The Back Attack while still on fire. He leaves a sparking web of light as he bounces around the path, flaming streaks leaving claw marks.

Luffy stands strong through it all, from what I can see past Usopp's hair. He stays tall and unmovable even as smouldering slashes imprint on his rubber skin. "Captain…" I can hear someone murmur behind me.

A good portion of the fight is mostly a blur, with Usopp's near constant screaming and tendency to hunch over my head whenever something crazy happens most of my perception is from the yelling and screaming of the fight's participants.

I do hear a loud yell at some point proclaiming, "THEN FROM THE VERY BEGINNING YOU PLANNED TO KILL US ALL?!"

"What a bunch of fucking idiots…" I mumble into Usopp's shoulder. He makes a questioning noise. "He's been hitting them with attacks and saying he doesn't give a shit about them the whole fight. It's obvious he wanted them dead," I elaborate.

"Sometimes people don't want to see what's right in front of them," he replies.

"Jango! Hypnotize the girl and kill her!" Klahadore screams, still locked in combat with Luffy.

"This dude doesnt give up…" I mutter, turning to try and see where the man in question is. I spot his very beat up form struggling to his feet and gearing up to lunge at Kaya.

Merry jumps in front of her as Usopp yells above me, "Kaya! Run!" He tries to scramble off of me, but it's at this point I register the main reason he hadn't gotten off earlier. His ankle is definitely twisted at an unnatural angle.

Kaya gives the two of us a solemn nod, then grabs Merry's hand and takes off into the woods as fast as she can. "Shit!" Jango wheezes out, hobbling after her with significantly less pizazz than usual.

"Fuck!" I hiss out, jumping up myself and pulling Usopp with me. I crouch down. "Ok bitch get on!" Usopp makes some indignant noises, but climbs on anyway. "We've got Kaya! For the love of god someone put that cat bastard down!"

—

Listen. I am no runner, I am no trackstar. Especially with a lanky teenager on my back. We're (and by we I mean me) running through the woods, following Jango's hollers and the path of destruction he cuts.

We follow the downed trees for a solid ten minutes, the shouts slowly petering out during that time. We reach a section of trees completely decimated from about three feet up.

With no other trail to follow I turn my head back to look at Usopp. "Any bright ideas, Brave Warrior of the Sea?"

He makes some frustrated noises on my back, "I don't know—"

He's cut off by Merry's voice yelling out, "I won't let you touch Miss Kaya!"

I start booking it in that direction. "I've got no free hands or bullets, so I'm basically your mobile turret right now. You've gotta shoot this fucker as soon as you see him," I instruct Usopp. He makes affirming sounds in response.

When we come up on the scene, it's to Jango preparing to hurl a chakram at a solitary Merry, no Kaya in sight. Usopp shoots a pellet above me, nailing him right in the back of the head. "Hey! Weirdo!" he calls, gearing up a second shot.

When Jango turns around to yell at us Usopp looses the pellet, which turns out to be some kind of pepper bomb, and it explodes all over his face. "Where's Kaya?" I yell to Merry as Jango folds over hacking.

"We split up, I stayed behind to distract this man! The Usopp Pirates are with her now!" he yells back, scrambling away from Jango.

Me and Usopp both heave sighs of relief. "Great, then we just have to take down this chump."

"Who — *cough* Who're you c — *wheeze* calling a chump!" Jango grits out, eyes red and streaming.

"Put a sock in it, MJ reject!" I retort, letting Usopp slide down my back.

Jango does not put a sock in it. "Wh — Who do you think you — *hack* are?!"

I roll my eyes and don't even bother replying. Usopp nails him in the nose with another pellet as I lean around him to call out to Merry, "which way did they go?" He points to his left so I take off cheering, "you got this!" over my shoulder.

I barely make it 200 feet before a screaming weight drops on me from on high while hollering "Take this creepy weirdo!" I scream and fall on my ass. I get smacked in the back by what I'm fairly certain is a frying pan and silently swear vengeance.

"Wait! Stop, it's Ed!" Kaya's relieved voice rings out.

"Kaya?" I groan, shoving the weight off myself. The weight turns out to be Carrot, who scrambles back to join the other two kids. The three of them start babbling apologies.

I wave them off. "Don't worry about it, you did a good job." They beam with pride. I turn to Kaya. "Usopp is dealing with Jango, let's go back to where they are." She nods, stepping toward me but fumbling.

I jump forward to catch her. "I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little faint…" she murmurs into my arm.

I reach up a hand to feel her forehead. "Shit Kaya, you're burning up! We gotta get you to a doctor ASAP."

She shakes her head. "No, please take me to Merry and Usopp."

I hesitate, but sling her arm over my shoulder and start in the direction I came from. "Let me know if you don't feel up to walking."

She flashes me a grateful smile. "Thank you, but I'm fine."

When we get back to the scene, Jango is on the ground and Usopp is helping Merry up. His face lights up when he sees Kaya.

God this boy is whipped.

"Usopp!" Kaya cries, running out of my arms toward him.

…And so is she.

It's at that point that Jango springs up from his prone position, a chakram poised to slice Kaya's throat clean open. I make a choked sound and lunge forward to grab her, but she's already past my reach.

Then there's a loud bang and Jango crumples to the ground in a flash of light. As he falls he reveals Usopp behind him, sling shot still raised and a terrified look etched on his face.

"Shit, alright."

—

We end up leaving Jango in the woods. Fuck that guy. On the walk back to the rest of the crew Usopp pipes up from my back, "can you guys keep everything that happened a secret?"

The kids burst into shocked outrage. "Why would we do that? The village has to know you were telling the truth!"

Kaya nods along from where she's being supported by Merry. "We have to fix their misunderstanding…"

I feel Usopp shake his head. "Misunderstanding? They call me the village liar because I lie all the time. Besides, why would pirates be interested in such a small village? So let's just say nothing happened." He lets out a small chuckle. "It was all just another of my lies."

I hike him further up my back with a laugh. "Very mature, Proud Usopp."

"I try," he says smugly. "I'm not gonna force you, of course," he throws out. The kids start shouting their compliance and reassurance.

I feel Usopp turn to look back. "Kaya. Will you tell?"

I can almost hear the smile in his voice. Kaya laughs quietly. "No."

—

When me and Usopp get back to the shore the last of the Black Cat Pirates have already fled with their defeated Captain in tow. Kaya, Merry and the kids had split off from us, the kids into town and the other two back to their abode.

Zoro is laughing against the cliff wall, Nami is cradling her bag of treasure, and Luffy is laid out on the ground with a content smile resting on his face.

"Thanks, I wouldn't have been able to protect the village without you guys!" Usopp laughs.

Zoro snorts in response. "Credit where credits due, if you hadn't done anything I wouldn't have either."

"Me neither," Luffy pipes up.

"Who cares? I got me some treasure!" Nami giggles.

I shrug. "Eh. I do what I want. Sometimes you solve a case and a guy tries to kill you. Them's the breaks." Zoro laughs and leans over to fist bump me, which I gladly return.

"In light of this there's a decision I've made," Usopp announces. The rest of the group looks at him in question, but I just close my eyes and smile.

—

We find ourselves once again in the restaurant Usopp brought us to the first day here. Oh god, it's been less than 48 hours since we got here. This endeavour has felt like a damn lifetime.

"Now that we've eaten we should probably get going," Zoro announces.

"Yeah, you're right," Luffy hums, pulling a fishbone out of his throat. Me and Nami exchange exhausted looks.

"There you are!" Kaya's voice calls from the door. The lady herself strolls up to our table with a big smile.

"Hey, Miss!" Luffy grins.

"Hi Kaya!" I wave.

"Are you alright to be up out of bed?" Nami asks.

She lets out a chuckle. "Yes. I've been sick ever since I lost my parents… but Usopp's encouragement helped me start getting better." She flashes a bright smile, "I can't stay in bed forever, you know!" And she does look noticeably better today, her complexion is not nearly as pale as the day previous.

Me, Nami and Zoro all exchange smiles. "Getting out of bed is sometimes the hardest part," I admit. "You should be proud of your progress."

Kaya laughs softly. "You've all done so much for me, I can't thank you enough," she gives me an especially grateful look, "especially you. I don't think I would have realized anything was wrong if you hadn't stepped in."

Why does this keep happening?

I shake my head. "You're pretty tough, and you had other people looking out for you. I'm sure you would have been just fine."

She just laughs. "Regardless, I recall hearing you all needed a ship!"

While we walk I tug on Kaya's arm. She gives me a questioning look. "Just wondering, could I get your Transponder number?" I hear Zoro choke behind me, but ignore it.

Her eyebrows quirk and she gives me a small smile. "Yes of course, I'd love to stay in touch after you leave!" She rifles around in her pockets and produces a scrap of paper she scribbles on, then hands to me.

Collecting these as we go couldn't hurt at all…

Kaya leads us down to the shore, chatting and laughing along the way, until we're standing in front of a familiar ship.

Noises of awe come from all four of us. "You're giving this to us?!" Luffy cheers, waving his hands and jumping around.

"A real caravel!" Nami fawns.

Kaya giggles. "Yes, please use it!" I'm damn near tearing up at the sight of the ship.

"It's a bit of an older model, but I personally designed it! A carvel-make caravel, with lateen sails and a central stern rudder. She's a fine ship, and her name's the Going Merry!" Merry proudly explains.

Merry starts to explain the finer controls, which Nami takes him aside for. "What a cool ship! Especially the front, it's so awesome!" Luffy awes, staring up at her with stars in his eyes.

"She's beautiful," I choke out, fanning my eyes. Zoro shoots me a confused side-eye.

"I've loaded it with all the provisions you might need on a voyage," Kaya tells us.

Luffy spins to her with a huge smile. "Thanks! It leaves nothing to beat tired!"

Zoro's face drops into exasperation. "That's 'leaves nothing to be desired,' you idiot."

Kaya then turns to me with a grin. "I also prepared lots of ammunition for that pistol of yours, it's stored in the ladies cabin." I blink my eyes in surprise. She blinks back before her face explodes in horror and she starts waving her hands. "But I don't want you to think I'm forcing you to use the girls cabin! Or that the cabin is just for girls! Ah—"

I cut her off with a full belly laugh. "Man, Usopp really lucked out with you!" I wiggle my eyebrows, "almost as much as you lucked out with him." I lean forward and whisper conspiratorially, "you didn't hear this from me, but I hear he's something of a… King of the Snipers."

The man in question arrives rolling down the path screaming, attached to his absurdly large backpack. "SOMEONE STOP THIS THING!" he screeches.

"Usopp?!" Kaya cries out.

"What's he doing?" Luffy questions, looking far too eager to try it out himself.

"Whatever he's doing, we better stop him. He's on a collision course with the ship," Zoro intones. The two of them line up, and as Usopp comes rolling into them they slam their feet and stop him dead in his tracks.

"Th — thank you…" he whimpers, muffled behind the shoes in his face.

"No problem," is Luffy's nonchalant response.

"So you're really going to sea, Usopp?" Kaya asks, smile still in place but just a hint of sadness peeking through.

Usopp stands firm. "Yeah. I have to go before I change my mind. Please don't stop me."

She shakes her head, resigned. "I won't."

I turn away from their interaction, climbing up onto the Merry after Luffy and Zoro, Nami right behind me. I lean over to murmur to Zoro, "do you think he knows yet?" He makes a questioning hum. "That he's coming with us," I elaborate. Zoro only rolls his eyes.

"Well, take care you guys! I hope we meet again someday!" Usopp calls up to us, unknowingly answering my question.

"Why?" Luffy calls back.

Usopp's expression turns offended. "Huh, 'why?' You antisocial or something? We're both gonna be pirates, we might meet again on the high seas!"

"What're you talking about? Get on already," Zoro huffs, jerking a thumb to the deck.

"We're friends, right? So get on," Luffy states.

"Get in loser, we're going pirating," I add with an eyebrow wiggle.

Usopp just kinda stares at us for a minute, silent. "I… I'm the Captain, right?!" he yells, pumping his fists and running for the rope ladder.

"DON'T BE STUPID USOPP, I'M THE CAPTAIN!" Luffy hollers, upper body lunging over the railing. We all burst out laughing.

One more East Blue pirate to go.

Notes:

Usopp carry ngl. My boy deserves to do cool shit.

That Kaya/Usopp tag being relevant for all of maybe five paragraphs this chapter and then not mentioned again for like twelve chapters...

I really do like them though, they're so cute. See guys, I do like hetero couples occasionally!

Also here's my Tumblr where I have art of Ed. If you want it.

Chapter 11: Chapter Eleven: Dining At The Ritz We'll Meet At Nine, Precisely

Summary:

Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy - Queen

"Alright! Our pirate flag is done!" Luffy announces the next day, holding up the most horrifying excuse for art I have ever seen. The other four of us stand in front of it with various looks of disdain.

Notes:

For the record Sanji IS the Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy. I don't take criticism.

And once again an almost 4k chapter for you fine folks!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The first night aboard the Merry is nice. Nami cooks us up dinner, although she makes us pay for it (at the cost of Luffy's money, since I didn't have enough to pay for my own and I didn't want to spend what little I have), and we all retire with little fuss.

I settle down into a hammock in the 'ladies' cabin, Nami tucked into one right beside me. One good thing about saving a rich girl's life; I finally have something I can wear to sleep aside from my day clothes.

The last of the shouting from the boys cabin had died out a while ago, so it's silent save for the creaking of the ship. I've never had the best time falling asleep in new environments, and sleeping in a hammock for maybe the first time is not helping.

"What are you thinking about?" Nami's voice interrupts from beside me.

I glance over to see her eyes shining in the dark, directed at me. I chuckle quietly. "This is gonna sound so stupid, but honestly I'm a little scared of the dark."

I can barely make out her expression but she seems surprised. "Really? Why?"

I shrug, though I doubt she can see that either. "I don't like not being able to see if something is coming for me."

There's some shuffling as I assume Nami twists in her hammock. "Was it very dangerous, the place you're from?"

I snort. "It could be, but for the most part it was very safe. I'm just… paranoid."

There's a short bout of silence as Nami seems to process this. "You could hold my hand, if you want." My face morphs with surprise. Maybe Nami has better night vision than me, because she immediately starts stuttering. "Or not — sorry that sounded super stupid. It's just when I was a kid and I got scared I used to hold my sister's hand — uh, sorry…" she finishes lamely. I don't bother replying, I just stretch my hand over to her.

I end up missing and smacking her in the face, but her hand eventually finds mine.

We go back to a comfortable silence. It lasts for a few minutes before I break it by murmuring, "I think this'll be my home."

Nami's thumb brushes over my knuckles. "The ship?"

I laugh quietly. "Yeah. The Merry, for as long as she'll carry us. But more than that, this crew. I want this train wreck of a crew to be my home, my family," I try to look at her through the darkness, "I hope it can be for you too."

Her hand tightens in mine, and I fear for a second that I've pushed her too far again. "That would be nice," her response is almost inaudible, even in the nights quiet. I tighten my grip on her hand in return.

—

"Calling him artistically challenged would be an understatement…" Usopp gapes.

"Maybe it's abstract..?" Nami bargains.

"A pirate's flag should be a symbol of death but… I guess it's terrifying in a sense?" Zoro says, bewildered.

"At the very least it'll scare off all the seagulls…" I hedge. Nami stifles a snort.

"You're beyond terrible! Leave all the drawing to me," Usopp proclaims. We spend the next ten minutes hunched, peeking over Usopp's shoulder as he paints out a new symbol. I smack him on the head when I see the direction he starts going. "Hey!" he complains.

I shake my fist at him. "Stay true to the source material, don't just design your own damn jolly roger!" He grumbles but starts over, this time sticking much closer to the original flags spirit.

"Ta da!~" he proclaims a few minutes later. This flag is a familiar one, something as truly iconic as the straw hat it features.

I slap Usopp on the back. "Nice work!" His chest puffs up in pride as the others join in on the praise.

"Usopp, draw it on the sail too!" Luffy requests.

While they do that, Zoro pads up beside me and reluctantly hands over 2,000 berri. "You win again, you little shit."

I smirk up at him. "Honestly Zoro, it's hurtful how long you doubted me."

He snorts. "Oh please, it was a total shot in the dark when you first came up with the theory. The fact you were right was just a coincidence." I genuinely can't tell if he's joking or just in denial.

I open my mouth to ask, but am interrupted by Luffy shouting, "ok! All done! The Going Merry is ready for action!"

I trot over and swing an arm over his shoulders with a grin. "Anyone got a bottle of wine we can crack open on this bitch?"

"We're not wasting wine on that!" Nami yells, flopping to the ground beside the paints.

I shrug. "Suit yourself. I've got some shit to sort through down under, so please don't blow anything up while I'm not watching."

I gently cuff Luffy on the head, then start making my way down to the 'ladies' cabin. Me and Nami had shared it the first night, but I honestly hadn't spent all that much time in there. Other shit around the ship had to be done.

Luffy races past me in the hall shouting, "hi Ed! Bye Ed!" headed in the direction of the cannon deck. Not my problem right now. I see him rifling through some boxes while I open the hatch to the cabin.

Climbing down, the room is immaculately clean (entirely because of Nami). I pull out the drawers under the couch and take out a box of ammunition. Thank god Kaya had the foresight to leave a note about where she stored them, or it would have been months before I found them.

I have no fucking idea how to reload this thing.

The closest contact I've ever had with guns before this one were my grandpa's hunting rifles, and I had never even been allowed to touch those, nevermind load or shoot them.

With my limited understanding of all that shit, it seems the pistol can hold up to seven charges at a time, plus gunpowder, and the round shots that this thing fires should be relatively easy to carry around. Loading it mid-combat will probably still be a bitch though.

There's also the question of whether I need to take extra care to keep this thing dry, like a real flintlock pistol. So far there's been no problems, but if I ever take an untimely dip in the ocean before a fight I'm most likely fucked.

There's a loud bang of what I think is cannon fire that shakes the whole ship. Still not my problem. Moving on from the gun talk, I managed to acquire some necessities when we were in Syrup, mostly generous donations from Kaya.

A toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant and other toiletries, sunscreen, some undergarments and a change of clothes. She had even gifted me a jacket I'm sure will come in handy if it rains.

I had claimed the drawers under the couch as mine, and now had all my shit stored in them. My phone, wallet and my keys (minus the penknife, which I have hooked to my pants) were all stashed in there as well.

Another bang of the cannon. Maybe I should deal with that. Or I could not. It would probably be smart for me to start planning my moves. If I'm gonna be in this world I'm going to improve it at least a little.

I don't want to fuck the plot up too bad, or everything I know becomes moot. And I'll be totally transparent, having future knowledge is very comforting. Also because these people need their character development and I don't wanna fuck with that.

We need to grow, as individuals and as crewmates. That's why I can't avoid all the hardship. The best and most I can do is ensure nothing terrible happens while keeping us as on track as I can, so I can keep being useful.

I only have one exception to this rule.

I will save Portgas D. Ace no matter what.

I give less than zero fucks about how that one is going to screw up the plot, that man lives or I die trying. My reasoning for this? I thought he was neat and his death made me sad. That's it.

So what to do about that? I can't think of a single way to stop him from going after Blackbeard without exposing where I came from, and that's not an option. If the world government knew I know what I know I'd be dead faster than I could blink.

My best bet is gonna have to be getting him backup. Sending the Whitebeards after him is the most logical course of action. How I'm gonna get in contact with them is the real question. I'm not optimistic I could get Ace to call them first when we meet in Alabasta, he seems like a stubborn prick.

I have to figure something out though, I'm not gonna let Luffy lose his brother.

Wait…

His brother! That's it! I can sic Sabo on him, that's like a whole flock of birds with one stone! Getting Sabo his memories back would give him sufficient reason to keep Ace alive, and he would have the mobility and resources to contact the Whitebeards, not to mention the value of having an in with the Revolutionary Army!

How the hell do I get in contact with him though? It's not like they're giving out the personal number of their Chief of Staff for kicks…

Except…

Except that the Strawhats cross paths with a Rev very early on in the story. In Loguetown.

Dragon.

—

I've just drafted the beginnings of a letter when I hear some screaming and crashing from above deck. A muffled shout of, "come out you damn pirates!" indicates the arrival of either Johnny or Yosaku, I can't remember which.

I sigh and start packing up the paper and pens I had been using at the desk. Might as well deal with that idiocy quickly. I've just tucked everything away and started up the hatch when footsteps come thundering into the storage room above me.

Usopp and Luffy are crying and trying to haul a whole crate of limes out the door as fast as they can. "What the fuck is going on?" I grouse, following them onto the deck.

There I'm greeted by the sight of Yosaku on the ground, pale and bleeding, with a worried Johnny hunched over him. Nami and Zoro are hovering around them while Luffy and Usopp start cramming limes down the poor sods throat.

I look over to Nami. "Scurvy?"

She nods. "Scurvy."

"Scurvy?" Johnny repeats.

"If we weren't too late he should be fine in a couple of days," Nami replies.

Johnny immediately tears up and starts wailing. "R — really?! Thank you, Big Sis!"

Nami pushes him away from her, wiping spit from her face. "Don't call me that."

"It's basically dying-of-no-fruit disease. Well, vitamin C fruits," I pipe up.

Johnny, Usopp and Luffy are looking between me and Nami with stars in their eyes. "You're just like doctors!" Luffy awes.

Usopp shrugs a smug shoulder. "I always knew you two were special, and I'm never wrong!"

Nami goes from bewildered to angry very quickly. "You morons! Every sailor should know about scurvy!"

Then Yosaku starts spewing out limes and jumps up, immediately grabbing Johnny as they start cheering and dancing around.

"The nutrients cured me!"

"My partner is fine now!"

"YOU CAN'T RECOVER THAT QUICKLY!" Nami screams.

They both stop and strike matching poses.

"Sorry for the late introductions. The name's Johnny!"

"And I'm Yosaku. Zoro used to bounty hunt with us, nice to meet you!"

"Are you like… business partners or romantic partners?" I ask.

They both stare at me for a second in silence. "Partners," they answer in unison. Fucken ok. Guess that answers that perfectly.

Zoro steps forward with a smile. "Small world, never thought I'd see you guys here!"

Johnny laughs. "If you think you're surprised, we never imagined the Pirate Hunter Zoro would become a pirate himself!"

Zoro goes in for a handshake, but Yosaku picks that as the perfect moment for his illness to catch up to him, as he falls over with blood spewing from his face. "Partner?!" Johnny screeches.

"Get some rest!" Zoro snaps.

We get Yosaku set up in the storage room, then relocate to the galley. "Let this be a lesson to you," Nami lectures.

Zoro nods along. "These are the kinds of pitfalls you encounter in a life at sea."

"Which means when we're at sea it's very important to think about how we can get the right amount of nutrients with limited food," Usopp adds.

Nami nods. "It's imperative that at least someone on the ship knows how to do that."

I suck on my teeth. "Yeah… Don't know if y'all noticed but I'm an awful cook."

Zoro levels a flat stare at me from the floor. "You burned toast this morning. We know." Then he scrunches his nose. "Actually, I can still smell it too." I stick out my tongue at him.

Luffy finishes chewing on some bread. "Right! I've decided, we need a sea cook!" There's nods from everyone.

"That way, we'll even be able to eat good food at sea!" Usopp cheers.

"What's the difference between a sea cook and a regular cook?" I mutter.

"If you're looking for a cook, I know just the place. Still, getting one of them to join you is a whole other matter," Johnny pipes up.

Luffy claps and grins. "Okay! Where?"

Aw man here we go!

Johnny grins. "You should be able to reach it from here in 2-3 days. But it's close to the Grand Line, so you gotta be careful," he tosses a pointed look at Zoro on the floor, "there are even some rumours about that hawk-eyed man you've been looking for."

Sweat starts pouring down Zoro's face as he smirks.

Ah, right. Dracule Mihawk. Should I be worried about him?

"If it's alright with you, I'll lead the way!" Johnny announces. "Our destination is the sea restaurant, Baratie!"

—

"Hey Usopp, you good with a pair of scissors?"

The man in question turns to me with a raised eyebrow. I have my head poked through the emergency exit connecting the two cabins, and Usopp is sitting on the floor surrounded by random shit he had in his huge backpack.

"In what context?" he asks

I snort. "Like, have you ever cut hair? You seem like you have the fine motor skills for it."

His chest puffs up as he rolls around to face me, big smug grin on his face. "Oh yes! Why back in my day I ran the most successful salon in the East Blue—"

"Ok, ok, enough," I cut him off with a laugh, "I just wanna know if you could help me touch up my sides." He raises an eyebrow, reaching into a pouch on his bag. I turn my head and part my hair to show off the shaved sides. "My hair is thick as hell, so It's easier to manage when the shit around my ears is cropped short. So what's the verdict, hair doctor? Can you operate?"

He laughs and holds up the pair of scissors he pulled from his bag. "The hair doctor will do the best he can!"

I scramble through the passage and plop down in front of him. "Make me beautiful!" I demand. We flash matching feral grins and he gets to work.

"Also can you teach me how to reload a gun please."

"Oh my god you're hopeless."

—

We reach the Baratie a few days later. Luffy, upon first seeing the floating restaurant, starts cheering and jumping. "It's a big fish!"

Me, Nami and Usopp all stare up at the thing in awe. "How cool!"

Our marvelling is interrupted by the blare of a horn. To our starboard a Marine vessel appears from seemingly nowhere.

Oh right, that Fullbody guy.

"The fucking Marines?!" Nami hisses.

Usopp nervously looks around. "They're not gonna fire on us, right?"

I pat him on the shoulder. "They probably will. We're gonna end up paying some damages, I can feel it."

He shoots me a look. "Don't jinx it?!"

"I've never seen that pirate flag before…" comes an arrogant voice from the other deck. The smarmy pink haired shit disturber strolls up to the rail and gives the Merry an uninterested once over. "I'm Lieutenant Iron Fist Fullbody! Who's your Captain? Name yourself," he demands.

I pinch Usopp before he can say something stupid. He looks back at me with a false innocent smile. I just give him the stink eye. Our captain trots forward. "I'm Luffy. We just made our pirate flag the day before yesterday!" he proclaims.

Fullbody huffs. "Oh, you're just… Hm?" He finally takes notice of Yosaku and Johnny cowering behind the storage room door, "I recognize you two, you're small time bounty hunters. So you've finally been caught by pirates, huh?"

The pair of them jump out, sputtering in indignation. Johnny throws a sheaf of bounty posters across the deck shouting, "you think small time bounty hunters would go after these guys?!" but Fullbody has already walked off arm in arm with his pretty lady friend.

I notice out of the corner of my eye Nami freeze, before bending down to pick up one of the posters. Oh shit, I forgot Arlong's was in there! I hastily drop down and start collecting the other posters, then pluck his out of her hand and shuffle it to the back.

"Hey—" she starts, expression thunderous.

I just flash her an oblivious smile. "Those boys really should know better than to toss trash around, especially on our ship!" I say airily.

Nami seems confused, and makes a move to take the poster back. She's interrupted by the bang of a cannon, and Luffy catching and accidentally launching it right into the Baratie. Me and Nami both make choked noises.

"Ah fuck," I mutter.

"Oh fuck!" Nami whimpers.

"Why do you jinx everything?!" Usopp wails.

I shove the stack of papers into Johnny's hands while Luffy picks himself up from the floor.

I walk up to Luffy, who's staring at the smoking hole in the restaurant with despair. He turns to me with his big apologetic eyes. "I didn't mean to break the fish boat…"

I pat him on the shoulder. "I'm sure the ship is fine, but we're going to go apologize now so we don't get murdered by angry cooks."

We barely manage to make it to the ship in our dinghy before a couple of furious chefs come rushing out to meet us. I put a hand up and dip into a short bow, pushing Luffy's head down to do the same.

"I'm so sorry for the disruption. Me and my Captain would like to formally apologize to the head chef and plead our case, if he would be amenable." The two seafarers seem taken aback by my professionalism, but recover quickly to usher us inside.

We're brought into the room Luffy had hit, and are confronted by a man in an extremely tall chef's hat with two braided moustaches and a pegleg.

Fuck this guys design is amazing.

Luffy immediately clocks onto his missing leg and falls to his knees wailing, "YOUR LEG!"

I cuff him on the back of the head. "No, dumbass! That wasn't you!"

Zeff huffs from his seat. "The lady is right!"

I roll my eyes. "I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm not a lady. Or a man. Don't worry about it."

Luffy looks up at me through the brim of his hat. "Are you gonna have to correct people every time you meet them?"

I shrug, then wiggle my eyebrows. "If I get a bounty it'll correct people for me." Luffy laughs.

"Am I correct to assume it was you pirates that blew up my restaurant then?" Zeff interrupts.

I turn to him and give another shallow bow. "Yes, sorry sir. Due to a… misunderstanding with one Lieutenant Fullbody outside, he deemed it appropriate to fire on us. My Captain attempted to redirect the shot and it ended up… in a less than advantageous position. So as Captain and First Mate, we've come to apologize."

He raises an unimpressed eyebrow and I grimace. "I know how it sounds. You're welcome to investigate our cannons, you'll find that none of them have been fired in a number of days. And while I can't guarantee the Lieutenant will testify, his crew certainly saw everything. I'm sure they'd love to tell you."

He rolls his eyes heavenward. "Don't bother with all that, I'll believe your tale. That still leaves the matter of compensation and repairs however."

Luffy looks up with a completely straight face. "I'm flat broke!"

Zeff turns to me with a flat look. I make a 'me too' gesture. "Then you'll have to work it off. Unpaid odd jobs around the restaurant for a full year!"

Luffy's eyes bug out. "A full year?!"

I shake my head. "No can do. How about we negotiate a little, you and I?"

—

I eventually manage to haggle the old man down to having Luffy repair the damages while I work unpaid as a server/busboy for a month. I also made sure to add in a 'if we defeat a great evil, we're off the hook' clause for… reasons.

("What the hell does that mean?"

"It's customary where I'm from."

"If you say so…")

They get me set up in a waiter uniform, consisting of a white polo shirt black slacks and a waistcoat, and send me downstairs with a notepad and the instruction of, "take people's orders!" and not much else. By the time I get down into the actual dining room Luffy probably has the entire hole repaired.

That hope is immediately dashed as Luffy falls through the ceiling in front of me with a scream, Zeff following right after him. I stare down at them in despair. "What the hell."

"Ed! The floor suddenly gave out!" Luffy yells, scrambling up and over to me. I idly brush some debris off him.

"Owner Zeff! Can you please stop Sanji?!" come cries from some cooks I didn't notice earlier, the lot of them trying to restrain a familiar blond boy in a suit.

"Are you rampaging in my restaurant again, you little shit?!"

They yell back and forth at each other for a while, eventually coming to blows. Zeff even nails Fullbody in the face with his pegleg, yelling, "GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CANNON FIRING IDIOT!"

I'm not even paying attention to it. There's only one thought in my head right now.

Good god that boy is pretty.

Notes:

Was Sanji barley in the chapter? Yes. Did I still name the chapter for him? Also yes.

I went antiquing yesterday and I didn't buy anything but I found a fucking sword and I wanted it so damn bad but it was $650 and I'm too poor to spend that much money on a sword.

Chapter 12: Chapter Twelve: Caviar And Cigarettes, Well Versed In Etiquette

Summary:

Killer Queen - Queen

We just kinda watch Patty beat up and yell at a starving guy while people cheer. Look, I have nothing against violence and that kinda shit, but this is just kinda sad. The man is emaciated for god's sake.

Notes:

Not only is Sanji the Good Old Fashion Lover Boy, he is also the Killer Queen. Mans just very Queen coded I don't make the rules.

This chapter contains a bit of homophobia/transphobia near the end (no it's not Sanji lmao). Stay safe and happy pride month 3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The moment is interrupted by a Marine throwing open the front doors with a yell of, "Lieutenant! He's escaped!"

Luffy leans his head on mine and mumbles, "this restaurant is weird."

I'm still not paying attention to all that bullshit, there is a very pretty man present and I am easily distracted. I do start paying attention again when the bang of a gun firing echoes from the door.

The Marine who had barged in drops to the floor, bullet wound spewing blood as he falls. "Oh my god that guy's head exploded!" I hiss to Luffy, who just nods.

"Yeah, gnarly."

I turn to look him in the eyes. "Did you just say gnarly?"

There's a loud crash as the chef whose name I think is Patty slams the Krieg pirate guy whose name I think is Gin through a table. I whistle. "That must have hurt."

"That guy's pretty strong," Luffy muses.

I notice Sanji slip away in the chaos, but then Patty is doing a dramatic curtsy and loudly proclaiming, "now then, ladies and gentlemen! Please enjoy the rest of your meals!"

I nudge Luffy and jerk my head up to the second floor balcony. He flashes me a bright grin and scampers off.

Zeff walks past me grumbling. He jerks his head back to the crowd, "get to work, busboy."

I give him a half hearted glare, whipping out my notebook and pencil and sauntering up to a random table with a winning customer service smile.

—

I heave a heavy sigh and slunk up to my crewmates table an hour later. "Having fun, busboy?" Zoro smirks.

I groan and slump onto the table. "I forgot how much I hate customer service…"

Nami laughs. "Chin up, you only have a month to go!"

"Does this mean the First Mate position is open then?" Usopp teases.

I shoot him a playful glare. "Nope. Only other person who can take that is Zoro, and he refuses."

Zoro lifts his glass in a mock salute. "Damn right."

"Ed, does that mean you're gonna stop tryna worm out of it?" Luffy's excited voice asks from the floor.

I shriek and jump back, looking down to see his head and hat peeking out from under the table. "The fuck are you doing down there?!"

He shrugs, a hand appearing from under the tablecloth to pick at his nose. "Owner Zeff threatened to make you stay longer if I kept breaking things, so I'm hiding."

I flash him an incredulous look, "How could you have been breaking things? I specifically negotiated you a job where you'd be away from dishes!" I had to cite 'general stupidity' to swing that one. He gives me a big gummy smile but no response. Little shit. "Anyways—"

"Oh, dear ocean!" comes a dramatic proclamation from Sanji, who comes twirling up to our table, "thank you for these treasures you've shared from your depths!"

We all pause and turn to look at him. He continues unperturbed. "Oh love, laugh if you will, I cannot endure these passions from afar! As long as I could follow you two beauties I'm prepared to walk the path of a pirate or a devil!" I share a long hard look with Nami. Zoro makes some kind of dying cat noise. "How tragic, that there is such a great obstacle standing between us!"

Oh he really is so cute… but, "uh, about that—"

"By obstacle, you mean me, right Sanji?" Zeff interrupts me.

"Damn geezer!" Sanji huffs, romantic air evaporating immediately.

Zeff scoffs. "This is an opportunity you don't want to pass up, go be a pirate. I have no need to keep you here at my restaurant."

Sanji turns on his heel. "I'm the Sous Chef here. The hell you mean I'm not needed?"

Zeff huffs. "You fight with the customers all the time. You flirt with every woman that walks through the door. And you can't cook a decent meal to save your life. You're unnecessary baggage holding this restaurant down."

The parenting approaches in this world certainly are… unique.

"Lets not forget that none of the other cooks want you here either. So be it pirate or whatever else, it's better you just get the hell out of this restaurant."

Dear lord they're gonna get violent, aren't they?

I grab onto Sanji's arm before he can start yelling. "Hey, hi. Yeah, it's me again. Maybe you two should talk out your feelings instead of provoking each other? Just for my sake, I really don't wanna have to clean up after that."

The two pause to stare at me for a second. "Maybe you should stay out of it, busboy," Zeff grunts.

This only seems to enrage Sanji more. "Watch your tone with the lady!"

I pat his arm where I'm still hanging on. "Er — we'll deal with that subject later."

I turn back to Zeff. "I'm just saying, maybe there's better ways of getting Sanji to go than trying to irreparably damage your relationship to the point where he feels like he has to leave?" I roll my eyes. "I get that you two have one of those 'I'm a man and can't talk about my feelings' complexes, but maybe put them on pause for a minute?"

Zeff grunts again, doesn't reply, gets up and walks away.

Silence reigns in the dining room. I swing back around to my group, who're watching me with varying levels of interest and concern. "Heh, sorry," I say sheepishly, letting go of Sanji's arm.

He absentmindedly shakes his head. "Oh, no, it's fine."

It's a testament to how much my interference shook him, that he doesn't immediately try to flirt with me.

"Hey, if nothing else take solace in the fact your relationship with your father is still leagues above mine!" I crack, pouring out some tea for the table.

Well at least his relationship with the one that matters…

"Yeesh, you're a chronic oversharer, aren't you?" Zoro groans, smearing his palm down his face.

This is what finally snaps Sanji into the conversation. He does this weird spin thing to land himself between me and Nami. "Please forgive me, lovely ladies! Is there anything I could get for you? Anything at all?" I fight back a wince, but apparently not well enough. "Is something wrong, my dear?" he asks worriedly.

I grimace and pull out a chair. "Ok so here's the thing," I start, pushing Sanji into the chair and sitting on the table in front of him, "I'm not really… a lady? I'm nonbinary. They/them. And you can treat me however you damn well please, I just ask that you not call me a lady or woman or things like that."

He blinks slowly at me. "So you're not a lady."

"Yup."

"But you're not a man either."

"Mhm."

"And you're ok with however I treat you."

"Yuhuh. And for the record, I do like to be spoiled. But that's up to you."

He nods, reaching up to fiddle with his tie with a furrowed brow. And let me tell you, that fucking swirly eyebrow is a fucking sight up close. I had no idea hair follicles could work like that.

"Alright. Ok." Then he stands up and turns around. I exchange worried/confused looks with the rest of my crew. Sanji then spins back around with a flourish, brandishing two roses. One he hands to Nami with a wink and the second he tucks into the pocket of my vest. "They really should have put a beauty such as you in a better outfit!"

I frown down at my uniform. "I rather like it actually…"

He doesn't even blink. "That must be why you look so wonderful in it! Your confidence, it really pulls the whole thing together."

I laugh, patting the blond on the cheek while I twist around him, planting him right in between Nami and I. "Cute, now how about you bug a customer instead of me? I am working, you know."

Nami sends me an alarmed look over Sanji's shoulder as she's hit with the full force of his gentlemanliness at once.

I snicker and trot away to the next table.

—

I finally get a chance to corner Zeff while bringing several tables orders back to the kitchen. "Excuse me, Mr. Chef Zeff Sir?"

He already looks like he's tired of me. "Just Zeff is fine, busboy."

I clap. "Wonderful. Quick ask, can I get your Transponder Snail number?"

'Tired' turns 'bewildered' very quickly. "The hell do you want with my snail number?"

I roll my eyes. "We're leaving with Sanji one way or another, we'll Shanghai his ass if we gotta. I just thought it'd be nice if he could still talk with his dad, and you with your son."

He gives me a long hard look. I hold his stare. "Alright busboy. You manage to keep yer Captain from breaking a single dish for a whole day and the number's yours."

"You drive a hard bargain… Deal."

It can't be that hard to keep Luffy from breaking shit, right?

Who am I kidding, I'm gonna have to steal this motherfuckers number.

—

The second day is… less fun.

I shoot awake in the night, fleeing the sound of crunching metal and screeching tires.

Fuck fuck fuck oh god ok.

Shit, alright.

God.

I've got trauma now, don't I?

I roll ungracefully out of my hammock, tripping over unsteady feet and smacking my face into Nami in her hammock, sending it gently rocking. She makes a soft murmur but doesn't rouse.

I stumble up through the dark ship, eventually breaching the deck. I hadn't caught a glimpse of the clock in my haze, but it's still dark and stars still litter the sky. I sit down smack dab in the middle of the deck, not trusting myself to get too close to the rails in my state.

I just sit there, breath quick and hands shaking, staring at the wooden floor for god knows how long. I'm knocked from my reverie by somebody plunking down in front of me. I startle and snap up to see Luffy, wrapped in a blanket with an uncharacteristic frown marring his face.

I open my mouth to try and say something but all that comes out is choked breath. Luffy just looks at me for a second before he reaches up to his prized straw hat and flips it from his head to mine.

I freeze.

"You…" I start weakly.

He just shakes his head, free black hair flopping around his face. "You can hold onto it for a little while," he states, scooching across the deck towards me and unwrapping from his blanket.

He throws half over my shoulder and squirms his way under my arm. Then he flops back and pulls me down to lay on the wooden floor. I grunt at the sudden shift, but simply pull him in a little closer while staring up at the stars.

They're so much brighter than home. And so different.

"That one there is my favourite. It's a giant monkey!" Luffy breaks the silence, pointing to a cluster of bright specks. I hum. "And that pointy thing beside it is a prince."

"Yeah?" My voice is hoarse and near silent, but Luffy takes it as the cue it is.

"Yup! The monkey ate a wish, so the prince went to go and kill it and take it for himself. But when he got there the monkey was sick. Cause eating wishes isn't good for you. And the prince felt bad, because the monkey must have wanted the wish for something, but he needed it to save his kingdom."

I listen with rapt attention, soaking up every detail of something about this world I didn't know yet.

"So the prince asked the monkey if he could share the wish, and the monkey said sure, but only if the prince granted him his wish when it was over. So they went back to the prince's kingdom and saved it from the bad guys, without having to use the wish because the monkey was so strong. And afterwards when the prince asked the monkey what his wish was, the monkey said he never wanted to be alone again."

Luffy falls quiet for a second.

"Then?" I prompt.

"Then the wish made them into stars, so they could stay together and be friends forever," he finishes with a small smile. I sigh, shuffling even closer to him. Being roughly the same height made it both easier and more difficult.

"My brother used to tell me that one. He was much better at it." I imagine the raw hurt tickling at the edges of his voice would go completely unnoticed by someone who wasn't squished so close to his neck.

"Luffy… why did you give me your hat?" I ask, barely more than a breath.

He pauses for a second. "You lost your treasure, right? So it's ok if you hold onto mine for just a bit."

I let out a shaky breath into the hollow of his throat.

Silence reigns over the deck, the faint noises of lapping waves and the creak of wood the only sounds aside from our breathing. "Do you know any more?" I ask softly.

I can feel his smile pressed into my cheek. "Yeah."

He tells me story after story of the bright white dots in the sky, until eventually I fall asleep to the sound of his voice and the rock of the ship.

—

"What the hell are you guys doing up here?"

I'm woken up by Nami's voice and the skees of gulls. I crack open my eyes to a dim yellow shade taking up my whole view. My hand comes up to rub them, but bumps into worn straw instead.

Ah shit, we fell asleep on deck. If my ass is sunburnt I'll cry.

"Shhh! Ed's still sleeping!" Luffy whines from somewhere smooshed into my side.

"Not anymore," I mumble, flailing about and knocking into someone's leg before getting into an upright position.

I tilt the hat up so I can take in my surroundings. Nami is towering over us, disappointed, and both Usopp and Zoro are snickering behind her. "What time is it?" I grouse, rubbing at my eyes.

"Breakfast. Owner Zeff said you've got an hour to eat before you're back on the clock," Nami sighs, jerking a thumb to the Baratie where I can faintly hear the sounds of hustle and bustle.

I don't even bother changing. I just get up with a groan, stretching my uncomfortable back. Sleeping on the floor did me no favours. I turn to Luffy, who's also jumped up and is twisting himself like a fucking owl. Horrifying creature.

I press his straw hat back onto his head, then lift his face and give him a quick peck on the cheek. "Alright, time for some five star continental breakfast, hoes!"

Zoro's indignant squawking makes a valiant return. "Did they just call us hoes?!"

We tumble into the restaurant, empty save for a couple cooks setting tables and organizing menus. Sanji notices us entering immediately, his entire face lighting up as he skips towards us.

"Ah, even in pyjamas you're still radiant!" he fawns. My ass is in plaid pants and a t-shirt… What is this guy seeing? "My lovelies! Please come have a seat, I'll get you some food right away!" he claps, gesturing to a table.

"What about us?" Usopp grumbles behind me.

Sanji glares at him, "get it yourself." Then trots off to the kitchen. Usopp throws his hands up in surrender while we all take seats.

"I dunno about you guys, but I like this dude a lot," I say through a yawn, ruffling my hair.

Nami and Luffy both nod eagerly, but the other boys seem less than enthused. "He's annoying. And weird," Zoro deadpans.

"And so are you, he'll fit right in!" I reply with a sweet smile. Zoro flips me off.

Then the man himself sweeps back into the dining room and to our table, plates of food balanced effortlessly on every inch of his arms. He starts spreading them around the table, taking extra care with me and Nami's dishes.

"I hope this is to your liking," he presses a kiss into Nami's hand then turns to me and kneels like he's about to propose.

"Sorry sweetheart, I'm not ready for marriage," I grin, shovelling breakfast into my mouth.

He laughs and shakes his head, then pulls something out of his pocket and presents it to me. It's a name badge with 'they/them' scrawled in Sanji's neat script. I look down at him in surprise. "With this you won't have to correct people while you're working," he explains, a genuine smile lighting up his face.

Mary Mother Jesus he's adorable.

I grab his hands in mine and look him dead in the eye with the most serious face I can muster. "I would both kill and die for you without question."

There's choking noises from around the table and Usopp spews orange juice out of his long nose. "Hey! You haven't said you would do that for me!" Luffy whines, almost falling out of his chair in an effort to lean on me.

I turn my head to give him another kiss on the cheek. "It needn't be said, Captain." He cheers and slides back into his place.

Sanji shakes our joint hands and mumbles. "I didn't get a kiss…"

I drop his hands to go back to eating, grinning and rolling my eyes. "Yeesh, you're both so needy!" Nami full body laughs while Usopp finishes mopping up his juice.

Breakfast is delicious, everything is cooked to perfection and the company is wonderful. My only complaint is that it's over too soon.

In no time at all I've finished my meal and changed into my uniform, now complete with my pronoun badge. The first three hours are smooth sailing, nothing spectacular happens aside from Patty giving a dine and dasher the boot.

We've entered something of a slow hour, just a couple of solo diners and an elderly couple occupying seats. I saunter up to a couple that had just been seated, easy smile slapped on my face and a couple of waters in hand.

"Hello and welcome to the Baratie! I'm Ed, I'll be your server this afternoon. Have you had a chance to look over the menu yet?" I cannot believe I got my ass yeeted into an alternate reality and I'm up in this bitch doing a customer service job.

The woman smiles at me and points out a specific dish on the menu, the man accompanying her doing the same. "Wonderful choices, we'll have those right out to you."

The man nods. "Thank you, ma'am."

My face pinches into a rough smile. "I'm not a woman, but you're welcome all the same."

His face twists in disgust. "You're a man?"

I feel my bones go cold. "No sir, not a man either."

He gets this confused scowl across his face. "Oh, you're one of those," he spits in disdain.

I drop the smile. "Excuse you?"

The woman looks back and forth between us, concerned. "Dear, now isn't the time—"

He cuts her off with a huff. "Then when is it? We keep letting trash like this infect the sea they're gonna think it's alright or natural!"

I would love to say I shot him down with a witty response, or had some kind of dramatic clap back.

I didn't.

I turned, and I ran.

Notes:

I promised myself I would turn this fic off private when I had written 100k. I'm not saying we're closing in, but we're closing in.

Also me creating obscure lore about the constellations in One Piece? More likely and important than you think.

Chapter 13: Chapter Thirteen: Something Good Can Work For You

Summary:

Something Good Can Work - Two Door Cinema Club

I stand there, breath ragged and eyes watering, for who knows how long before a knock sounds from the door. Because I hadn't closed it properly in my panic, it nudges open. I meet Sanji's worried eyes through the mirror.

Notes:

Getting emotionally eviscerated by a twink is almost as embarrassing as getting sucker punched by one. This guy gets both.

Also why the fuck is college so expensive T-T

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

I crash into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me and not bothering to lock it properly. I stumble up to the mirror, hands coming up to grip the edge of the sink.

My pale face, despite all the sun I had been getting recently, stares back at me. Same brown eyes and beauty marks I've had my whole life, twisted by the panic plainly etched on my face. And all I can think—

Here too. Even with all of the acceptance I've gotten so far, here too.

I guess I should have figured, in a world where slavery runs rampant among the upper class they'd still have shit like homophobia and transphobia.

…

Shit, it's not like this is the first time it's ever happened to me, and he didn't even get violet! So why the hell—

Why the hell is it hitting me so hard?!

"Hi," I wheeze out pathetically.

He pushes the door all the way open then closes it gently behind him. "Are you ok?"

I nod my head. "Yeah. Sorry I'm fine. I'll get back to work, just gimme a second…"

"No, you're not just gonna go back to serving that asshole!" he spits, hands coming up like he wants to grab my shoulders but unsure it would be welcome.

I furrow my brow. "It's fine, it's not the first time someone said rude shit to me and it won't be the last. That's just how life works."

He gets a resolute hardness to his face. "That's the best part about working at a restaurant like the Baratie, you can fight whoever the hell you want. They disrespect you, the food, or one of us, you kick their ass!"

I frown. "Sanji, I can't kick anyone's ass. The only fighting skill I have going for me is a pistol I can barely use! I'm basically worthless as a combatant!"

He shakes his head. "I've heard about the shit you've done for your crew so far, and you sound far from useless." He counts off his fingers, "facing down a Marine gun squad, surviving a lion, holding your own against multiple famous pirates? That's more impressive than over half of the East Blue!"

I glare at him. "Half of that was situational at best!"

He gets a smug smile like he won the conversation. "And you're still alive to complain about it. At the very least that proves you've got guts. And on the sea, guts are half the battle. You could kick anyone's ass you want to." I look at him for a long moment. He holds out a hand "And if you can't, you'll have your crew or me to kick anyone's ass for you. Being strong doesn't always mean knowing how to kick or throw a punch."

I slowly take his hand. "At the very least I can yell at him," I grumble.

He gives me a cheeky grin. "I hear you're good at that too!"

He leads me back out into the dining room, passing a grumbling Patty who keeps giving glaces to the table while cracking his knuckles. "He wanted to fight him, I said you get the first shot," Sanji murmurs down to me.

When we reach the table, the man is impatiently sipping at his water while his date looks ready to bolt at the first sign of danger. That danger arrives in the form of me stepping right up to them, Sanji stopped a few paces behind me.

I give the man a sickly sweet smile, contempt dripping from my every pore. The woman takes one look at the two of us and gets up. "I'll just wait out by the boat…"

The man looks up at me and scoffs. "We've been waiting forever. Where is our food?"

"Sorry sir, we have a strict 'no food for bigots' policy."

The incredulous look on his face… ah sometimes being hate crimed is worth it. "Excuse—"

"Ok here's the deal douchecanoe," incredulous becomes bewildered, "you're gonna get up off your ass and leave this restaurant, never to come back, or I'm siccing my lovely coworker Sanji on you as well as my Captain."

He doesn't look entirely convinced, so I sink another nail in the coffin. "Just so you're aware, I've seen my Captain eat men like you for breakfast. Literally. He's got quite the appetite! You ever heard of Buggy the Clown? He punched him so hard he flew across an island. You should start running."

When that doesn't look like it's convincing him, I sigh and lean onto the table to get closer. "Listen bub, You don't get the fuck out the door in the next five seconds I'll rip your dick off and shove it so far down your throat 'go fuck yourself' will have an entirely new meaning for you, m'kay?"

The man goes pale. He slowly rises from his seat and cautiously steps around me. I stare him down all the while. His expression hardens and he opens his grubby disgusting little mouth. I don't think twice about the opportunity presented to me.

I crack him right in the nose.

His head snaps back and blood spews out his clearly broken nose. Not a single word comes from his filthy mouth as he scrambles up from the ground and shuffles out the door after his date.

I shake my stinging fist out.

A slow clap comes from the table next to us, the ones near it joining in and soon the whole restaurant is clapping. I curtsy to the room at large. "Thank you, thank you. Please don't forget to tip your waitstaff, and enjoy your meals."

I don't miss the proud smile on Sanji's face or the huge grin and thumbs up from my Captain.

—

The third day of being a busboy/waiter at the Baratie comes and goes quickly, between my crewmates' attempts at 'supporting' me and Sanji sneaking me snacks whenever he sees me, it's honestly not the worst service job I've had.

The real highlight of the day is during my lunch break, I get to sit down with the crew for an hour and vibe. And isn't that amazing, a whole hour for lunch! This place is great.

Luffy, through a mouthful of food, suddenly blurts out, "hey Ed, I wanna sleep with you!"

The calm conversations around the table explode. Zoro does a spit take, Nami starts choking, Usopp screams and Sanji loudly protests.

I don't bother looking up from my meal. "Yeah sure, but fair warning I wiggle and adjust a lot. And I'll smack you if you snore."

He flashes me a bright grin. "Fine with me!"

The table goes back to stuttering. "Don't tell me you've been romanced by this buffoon!" Sanji wails.

I raise an eyebrow at him. "The hell you mean romanced? What's that gotta do with sleeping with me?"

Sanji's whole face crumples. "The Captain and First Mate, truly scandalous…" Usopp mutters.

Luffy blinks at them dumbly. "Ed sleeps better when they're with someone, did you guys not notice?"

"That doesn't mean you have to have sex with them!" Nami hisses.

HUH?

"I'm sorry sex?!" I guffaw, "he's not trying to fuck me! Are you daft?!"

Luffy tilts his head like a confused puppy. "Sex?"

I pat him on the back. "Don't even worry about it." I turn back to the group at large, which looks significantly more relaxed now. "Besides, I'm aromantic. I'm not gonna fall in love with this idiot. And if I was gonna have sex, I'd pick literally anyone else."

Sanji's face explodes in red and he literally swoons, and Usopp gets a confused look on his face. "What's aromantic?"

I shovel some more food in my mouth. "It means I don't experience romantic attraction."

Nami frowns. "So you're never gonna fall in love? Isn't that kinda… sad?"

I snort. "Why would it be?" A couple of them look like they have something to add, but I cut them off with a hand. "Romantic love isn't the only thing that makes life fulfilling. I love you guys, I love being a pirate and a detective, I love the world around me and the shit in it, and I love you," I smack a kiss onto Luffy's giggling face, "even if it's purely platonic. That's good enough for me."

The lot of them look satisfied with that response. "I think that's me too," Luffy decides, a stick of bread stuck in his mouth. I hum in question. "Aromatic. Me too," he clarifies.

"Aromantic, hun. If that's how you feel, fuck yeah. Live your truth babe."

He grins with a mouthful of bread that goes spilling out of his face. The entire table bursts into rampant laughter, hands banging on the table and heads thrown back.

"What a strange crew…"

—

On the fourth day I make sure my pistol (which I know how to reload now, thanks Usopp!) is tucked into my waistband before I start work. I get a strange look from Sanji that I wave off with a, "got a weird feeling," that he takes at face value, going back to work with a smile.

The day's calm comes to an abrupt end when some random customer takes a glance out the window and starts screaming, "it's Don Krieg's pirate ship!"

The chefs immediately start yelling at Patty while the guests start panicking. "Talk about a huge ship! Gin must be back to repay his debt to you!" Luffy proclaims.

Sanji shakes his head. "Somehow I doubt that's the case… But it's strange…" It's at this point we all clock onto the fact that this big imposing ship is in absolute tatters. "There's no way damage like that was done by a person, had to be a natural disaster or something," Sanji guesses.

"You'd be surprised by the kind of shit happens on the Grand Line, could honestly be either. But judging by those slash marks… I'm willing to bet it was a person," I muse, looking around. "Where's Zoro when you need to gamble?"

The doors slam open. The rattling of chains follows two figures inside. Don Krieg, arm thrown over Gin's shoulder, garbles out, "sorry for intruding… could I have some food and water..? We have money…"

I'll give him this, he's a pretty good actor.

"Guess he's hungry?" Luffy mutters beside me. Sanji leaves our side to start up the stairs. Then Don Krieg collapses to the floor and Gin starts begging for help. Patty bursts out laughing and orders someone to call the Marines.

"I won't do anything…" Krieg mumbles, struggling into a bow. "If you give me food, I promise I'll leave quietly… so please — please help me..!"

I'm trying really hard not to roll my eyes.

"Should we be worried about the armour and heavy artillery this guy's sporting under that coat?" I pipe up. A couple of the cooks turn to me surprised, and Krieg regards me with a sharp eye not befitting his 'weak' state.

But then Sanji is kicking Patty out of the way to deliver a plate of food and a bottle in front of the pair. "Here, give this to your Captain."

Gin stares up at him. "Thank you, Sanji," he says reverently.

Krieg starts shoving handfuls of food into his mouth, actual goddamn tears coming out of his eyes.

Then Carne, another chef, jumps forward to start yelling, "Sanji, take that food back this instant! Do you have any idea who that man is?! The ruler of the East Blue, the King of Deceptions! Don Krieg!" He goes on to tell Krieg's story while the man in question continues scarfing down food. "Letting a demon like him starve to death is for the good of this world!"

I see Krieg shift forward, and I remember that his ass fucking clotheslines Sanji in this scene. Not to-fucking-day.

I whip out my pistol and take aim, not having a whole lot of faith in my bullet finding its mark. The bullet bounces uselessly off his hidden armour, but it does sound a loud clang that freezes the whole dining room in its tracks.

Six bullets left.

Krieg's outstretched arm never finds Sanji, who jumps back as he hears the clang.

"Hands off our cook, fuckface!" I yell. Maybe drawing attention to myself at this moment is stupid. Really stupid. I turn to Luffy at my side and whisper, "I actually fucking hit something I was aiming at this time! Did you see that?"

He gives me two thumbs up and a bright smile. Nailed it.

"Don Krieg! This isn't what you promised! I lead you here because you said you wouldn't touch this restaurant, or hurt the man that saved us!" Gin yells frantically.

Krieg, with a mean scowl painted on his face, grabs Gin by the shoulder and breaks it in the process. He shoots a nasty look at me that has me shrinking behind Luffy, before his attention goes back to the room at large. "Yes, that was delicious, I feel alive again," the man straightens to his full height, towering in the middle of the dining room.

The restaurant goers take that as their cue to start screaming and running out of the doors.

Krieg sweeps his eyes across the ship, lingering on both me and Sanji before he declares, "nice restaurant you've got here. I'll take it."

"Hey Gin! Are you alright?" Luffy calls down.

Gin doesn't bother with a reply, he just grits out, "what about your promise?" to Krieg. Patty finally picks his head up and notices what's going on around him, he takes one look at Krieg and promptly puts his head back down.

"My ship's a wreck, so I've been looking for a new one. Once my business is done with you, you'll all be leaving this ship," he announces, drawing protests from the cooks. "There's about a hundred subordinates on my ship, all starving and critically wounded," he glares down everyone who makes sounds of disagreement, "so prepare enough food and water to feed all one hundred of them. Some have already starved to death, so make it quick."

Carne starts yelling again."You're asking us to feed them knowing they're gonna steal our ship?! We refuse!"

Don Krieg's face goes stony. "Refuse..? It seems there's been a misunderstanding. I wasn't asking. I'm ordering you," then he screams, "and nobody disobeys my orders!" For a man in a leopard print shirt, he actually is a little intimidating.

"Sanji… sorry… I didn't mean for this to happen…" Gin wheezes into the floor.

"See Sanji, this is all your fault!" Patty screeches.

I roll my eyes. "Not like it's Sanji's fault he's a good guy." Patty glares at me, but Sanji tosses me a small smile that makes it worth it. He turns back in the direction of the kitchen.

"Where do you think you're going?!" Patty demands.

Sanji just blows a puff of smoke. "To the kitchen. I've got a hundred meals to cook."

Luffy makes a surprised noise beside me which is almost drowned out by the other chef's shouts of protests as they pull weapons on him.

"What are you, a spy or something?"

"We're not letting you into the kitchen!"

"We're fed up with your reckless behaviour!"

Sanji doesn't even flinch, he just spreads his arms. "Fine, stop me if you want. It's not a secret how big of a scumbag Krieg is. But that doesn't matter to me. Thinking about the consequences of feeding a person… what a hassle." I feel Luffy lean forward at my side. "A cook should freely be able to feed anyone who's starving! Is that wrong?"

There's a moment of silence over the room. Then Patty conks Sanji over the head.

I shove my face into Luffy's shoulder with a groan. "Stupid emotionally constipated cooks, stupid ocean mob bosses, stupid stupid stupid…"

His hand comes up to pat my head. "Ooh he's got a shrimp gun!"

"I'm sorry what?"

Patty indeed has a shrimp gun when I lift my head. He shoots the damn thing, which turns out to be a meatball cannon, into Don Krieg, apparently not heeding my earlier warning about his armour.

Krieg gets up perfectly fine. Because of the armour I warned them about. Funny how that works.

"Listen to me next time, god! And don't forget the heavy artillery, it's still in there!" I grouse from the stairs, attempting to do a twirl with my pistol. I almost drop it.

"Maybe you should shut your mouth!" Krieg yells.

I put my hands up in mock surrender, shuffling behind Luffy. "I'm shutting the fuck up now."

Big scary men yelling at me has always been a weakness of mine… and not in a sexy way.

The cooks charge toward Krieg but get absolutely decimated by the HEAVY ARTILLERY HE HAD. THAT I WARNED THEM ABOUT. There's just no winning with idiots is there?

"They don't listen very well, huh?" Luffy says, adjusting his hat.

"You damn worms think you can defy me?! I'm the strongest!" Krieg starts on his long winded rant of self importance, which I tune out.

I see Zeff drop the bag full of food at Kriegs feet from over Luffy's shoulder.

"Owner Zeff! How could you give them that food? Once they recover they'll take over the ship!" a cook yells, scandalized.

Zeff scoffs, "that's only if they have any fighting spirit left at all." I see his impressively tall chefs hat turn to regard Krieg. "Isn't that right, defeated warriors of the Grand Line?"

The chefs explode in shock, I even see Gin start crying.

"Grand Line?!" Luffy gasps in front of me.

"Called it," I toss out.

"You're… Red Leg Zeff! Peerless Captain and cook of his own crew," Krieg gapes, face white in shock. "So you were alive…"

"So what? It's got nothing to do with you. I'm just a cook now," Zeff grunts.

"Haha… funny you put it that way… The way I see it, you're living as a cook now not by choice, but because it's the only thing you can do." I can't hold back my snort. Kriegs' eyes once again dart to my hiding form. "Something to say, coward?"

I let out a full laugh, leaning over Luffy's shoulder to give him a pitying grin. "Sorry, its just — well imagine fucking Red Leg Zeff letting a pegleg stop him from kicking anyones ass. That man could probably cave my skull in with barely a thought!"

Zeff huffs a short laugh. "Damn right, busboy." He turns back to Krieg, "even if I couldn't fight, I can still cook with these hands. But what are you getting at exactly?"

"You're a man who braved the Grand Line, and came back without injury. You must've kept a log of that time… so hand that over to me!" Krieg demands.

"You've really been to the Grand Line?" Luffy awes at Zeff, who nods.

"Your friend seems to know all about it, just ask them," he huffs.

I pat Luffy on the back, "later." He grins.

Zeff stares up at Kreig. "It's true I kept a log, but I won't give it to you. That log's the pride of me and my men who sailed the Line together. It's much too valuable to give to the likes of you!"

Kriegs face goes red in rage. "Then I'll just steal it from you! It's true the Grand Line defeated me… but even so, I'm still the mighty Don Krieg! I had the strength, ambition, and manpower! I just lacked information!"

I stage whisper down to Luffy, "not everyone is as smart as I am. Sucks for him." He tries to smother his laugh, but Krieg still gives us the stink eye.

"Once I obtain the log book, I'll reassemble my pirate fleet and find the One Piece to become the greatest pirate of this era!" he proclaims.

Luffy stomps down the steps and points a finger at Krieg. "Hold it right there! The one who'll become King of the Pirates is me."

There's silence throughout the restaurant.

Then the chefs start yelling at him. "Stand down kid, or you'll be killed!" Patty screeches.

"I'm not standing down, especially on this!" Luffy declares.

"Did you say something, brat? If you take it back, just this once I'll let it slide…" Kreig grits out.

Luffy shakes his head with a grin. "It's fine, you don't have to. I was only stating the truth."

Krieg's whole face twitches. "This ain't a game."

Luffy keeps smiling. "Of course."

Two familiar voices sound from behind me.

"You planning to rumble, Luffy? Need a hand?"

"It's fine if you don't!"

I turn and see both Zoro and a shaking Usopp sat at a table. "Oh hey guys, didn't hear you come in," I wave.

"Hey guys! It's fine, you can just stay sitting. I can handle this clown," Luffy waves them off.

"He does have a good track record with clowns…" I muse, which gets a snort out of the boys.

Krieg also starts laughing. " These three are your crewmates? A rather small bunch, aren't they?!"

"That's not all! I've got two more!" Luffy frowns at him.

"You just counted me, didn't you?!" Sanji sputters.

"Don't joke with me, punk! Even my fleet of fifty ships and five thousand pirates were utterly decimated by that sea in seven days!" Krieg yells, setting off more panic in the chefs. "Your bluff speaks to your inexperience! If there's one thing I hate, it's empty boasting like yours! Keep saying that and I'll kill you."

Krieg hauls the giant bag of food over his shoulder. "I'm going to go feed my underlings. Those who don't want to die can leave now and escape. The only things I'm after are the log book and this ship. If any of you feel like dying even after I warned you, so be it! I'll bury you at the bottom of the sea!"

And with that he turns on his heel and strides out of the doors, silence in his wake.

"What a cunt."

Notes:

Not pictured: Zeff holding back the Strawhats from decimating the transphobe so Ed can do it themselves.

When I said no romance with Ed I meant NO ROMANCE WITH ED.

Also I went and saw Across the Spider-Verse in theatres TWICE this week and may I just say: HOT DAMN.

Chapter 14: Chapter Fourteen: All The Hope, Drop Down Like A Domino

Summary:

Lifetimes - Oh Wonder

I snort. "Oh you know, typical Grand Line pirate. Kind of a douche and fucking terrifying. Probably decimated those wackjobs because they were annoying him. Maybe you disturbed his nap?"

Notes:

Burned myself at work :( God is no longer fond of me.

Also I don't use anything like grammarly I don't have an editor I don't have a friend look this over I just go in RAW because I like living on the edge. I will never change.

(April 2024 edit from the future, that's still true. That is literally why the Big Edit™ is happening. You did this to yourself, you fool.)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

We watch Zeff, Sanji, Gin and the cooks yell at each other for a while.

"So, what do you think about him? Pretty good, right?" Luffy grins, sitting down on the table.

I hop up beside him with a matching smile. "I just adore him."

Usopp flails his arms around. "Who cares about that?! We gotta get outta here!"

Zoro rolls his eyes. "Calm down. Our enemies are wounded pirates."

Luffy nods. "That's right. Besides, I gotta fight that guy." Zoro gives him a curious look. "If he really is strong, then we'll have to fight eventually anyways!" Luffy elaborates.

I give him a blank look. "That's normally not how the world works, but for you it just might."

Luffy turns back to the throng of cooks. "Oh that's right, Gin. You said you didn't know anything about the Grand Line. But didn't you guys go there?"

Gin hunches further in on himself and clutches at his head. "I still don't know. What happened to us on the seventh day on the Grand Line… I don't know if it was real or a nightmare…" He trains his eyes on the ground in a thousand yard stare. "I saw things I can't bring myself to believe… that entire fifty ship fleet, destroyed by a single man!" The restaurant explodes in shock, noises of fear coming from Usopp and cooks alike. "I don't even know how many ships managed to survive, it's just too terrifying to be real! I don't want to remember that hawk-eyed man with a glare sharp enough to kill a man! I don't want to remember!"

"How unlucky to run into him…" I mutter. Zoro shoots me a look I can't decipher, face sweaty and hands clenched on the table.

"Must be the Hawk-Eye… Your description of his gaze isn't enough to prove his identity, but the fact that he sank your entire fleet is enough for me." Zeff grumbles.

"Hawk-Eye Mihawk…" Zoro mutters beside me.

"Probably the guy you're looking for, right?" I ask. He gives me a stiff nod.

"You guys know him?" Luffy asks, thumbing his hat.

I nod and close my eyes. "Yup. Dracule Mihawk, strongest swordsman in the world. And one of the Seven Warlords of the Sea."

Luffy tilts his head like a puppy. "What's a Warlord?"

"Government sanctioned pirates. Where I'm from we'd call them privateers." I poke him in the head.

"What kind of man is he?" Usopp asks.

I snort. "Oh you know, typical Grand Line pirate. Kind of a douche and fucking terrifying. Probably decimated those wackjobs because they were annoying him. Maybe you disturbed his nap?"

Gin jolts forward. "That's bullshit! You mean he destroyed our entire fleet for that?!"

Zeff huffs. "Don't get so uppity, it was just an example. But busboy is right, that's just the kind of place the Grand Line is."

"Full of horrors left and right. And every other direction," I agree.

Luffy is practically vibrating with excitement next to me. "Haaa! It sounds so awesome! We definitely gotta go!"

"Do you even understand the concept of danger?!" Usopp screeches.

"It seems my life's goal will be achieved on the Grand Line, considering that man is out there as well," Zoro states, thumbing the hilt of Wado.

"...Bunch of idiots. You lot are the type to rush to their deaths," Sanji huffs.

Zoro stares him down. "True, but I'd rather you leave out the idiot part. When I decided to become the world's greatest swordsman I threw away my attachment to life. The only person who gets to call me an idiot is me."

Luffy throws his hand in the air. "Ooh! Me too!"

Usopp crosses his arms. "As a real man the same goes for me."

I shake my head. "I've got an itemized list of things I'll die for, but my pride ain't on there."

"...What a load of crap," Sanji mutters, blowing smoke out of his mouth. I see Zeff smirk out the corner of my eye.

"Enough!" Patty shouts, "do you realize the situation we're in?! That galleon parked outside is the flagship of Don Krieg! So why don't we check back into reality and deal with this!"

The cooks start arming themselves when we hear the tell tale war cries of the newly revived Krieg Pirates storming towards the ship. We can see them rappelling down lines from the door of the ship.

There's a loud swish, and the galleon splits apart with a crash. "Ah shit. Mihawks here," I mutter under my breath, jumping up to follow Luffy and the boys.

"Nami, Yosaku and Johnny are still outside on the ship!"

Seeing the massive ship sliced to ribbons… the people in this world are fucking terrifying. That is terrifying.

"Bro!" come the screams of Yosaku and Johnny, swimming frantically for the Baratie.

"What happened to the ship? Where's Nami?" Zoro asks panickedly.

"That… I'm sorry Big Bro. She's gone!"

"She took all the treasure and sailed away!"

Oh, that's what I was forgetting. Fuck.

"SHE DID WHAAAT?!" we all scream in unison.

—

Yosaku and Johnny lay out the events for us, and Zoro is grinding his teeth. "Dammit! She just had to make a bad situation worse!"

"Kaya gave us that ship! Heartless witch!" Usopp cries.

I stay silent.

"Wait! I can still see the Merry!" Luffy announces, pointing to a slowly shrinking shape in the distance. He turns to the dripping boys. "Where's your ship?"

"We have it moored to the restaurant."

Luffy spins back to the rest of us. "Zoro, Usopp, take it and follow Nami!"

Zoro scoffs. "Just let her keep it, that woman is way more trouble than she's worth."

"I want her to be our navigator, no matter what!" he states, brow furrowed.

Him and Zoro make some intense eye contact for a second before Zoro smears a hand down his face. "Alright, alright. What a high-maintenance Captain… Okay you two, let's go."

I shake my head. "I've gotta stay here with our stupid Captain and make sure he isn't stupid. Besides, I made a deal with Zeff, can't leave without closing that."

"You fucking people…" he mutters, jumping onto the small ship, Usopp in tow. "Be careful, the situation is getting a little crazy."

"Don't worry—"

"IT'S HIM! THE MAN WHO DESTROYED THE FLEET!"

We spin to see a small coffin shaped ship float through the wreckage of the galleon. "That's him…" Zoro stutters, sweat dripping down his face.

I say this with the utmost respect, for a man wearing a giant feathered hat and half naked in an objectively very stupid outfit… why he kinda…

I lean over to Zoro. "3,000 berri says that man lives in a mediaeval castle and walks around in a 'killed my husband for the money' robe."

He pulls out of his reverie just long enough to give me a disturbed look. "You barely have that 3,000 berri to lose."

I wink. "Nope, but you do!"

He rolls his eyes, then turns back to his focus. "Sure, fine," he decides absentmindedly.

Never say I don't bet on things with less than 100% odds.

Zoro stalks forward to confront Mihawk and Usopp turns to me curiously. "What's a husband murder robe?"

"Big, dramatic, fur-lined, optionally sheer. The kind of thing a rich lady buys after her husband dies under 'mysterious circumstances,'" I state.

He gives me a disgruntled look. "…And why would Dracule Mihawk be wearing one?"

I shrug. "He's got the same vibes as my estranged gay uncle."

"It's him! Roronoa Zoro of the Three Sword Style!" someone yells from the ship.

"We're losing sight of the Merry!" Usopp shrieks.

"Pitiful, weakling," Mihawk mutters as he jumps from his coffin boat thing (what's up with that anyways?) onto a sinking section of Krieg's ship. "If you're a competent swordsman you should see the disparity in our abilities even before we cross swords. But still you challenge me. Does your bravery come from your conviction, or from ignorance?"

Zoro is a much stronger man than I, if he talked to me like that I'd cry.

"It comes from my ambition, and a promise to a friend," Zoro states through his sword.

"The world's strongest swordsman vs Pirate Hunter Zoro, what kind of a fight will it be?" Patty questions.

"I love Zoro, but his ass is about to get flattened," I groan.

Both Johnny and Yosaku whip around to stare at me. "How can you say that?!"

I level a flat look at them. "Zoro is tough shit here in the East Blue, but there's a reason this place is known as the weakest sea." I turn back to the standoff. "Dracule Mihawk is the strongest swordsman in the world . Zoro can't scratch him. Not yet."

The look Luffy gives me feels like it probes into my very soul. I stare back unflinching into the void of his eyes. "Hm," he breaks off his gaze, something softer but no less focused bringing its attention back to the swordsmen. Mihawk's already pulled out his butterknife when I turn my eyes over there.

The fight is… very one sided. Zoro is just no match for the grace Mihawk wields, even in the form of a tiny cross-shaped knife. He would probably be just as good with my fucking penknife, the crazy bastard.

In no time at all Mihawk is unsheathing Yoru. With a final move, the battle is decided. Zoro slides Wado back into its scabbard, his only unbroken sword. He turns to face down Mihawk, blood bright red over his front.

"Scars on the back are the shame of a swordsman," he declares.

Mihawk's smile is manic. "Splendid."

Then he bisects Zoro.

Even knowing damn well he'll be fine, I can't help the full body flinch and involuntary half lunge I make, Luffy letting out a yell next to me. "Zoro!"

He rushes forward, fist reared back. I jump onto his back. "He's fine! He didn't kill him!" I scream, trying to reel his arm back in like fishing line.

"You're his comrades? This one speaks truth. I didn't kill him," Mihawk announces.

I whip my head up, not noticing how close we had skidded to the swordsman. The most piercing yellow eyes I've ever had the misfortune of being caught in meet mine.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god—

He regards me with a detached sort of curiosity. "Are you a swordsman as well?" I furrow my brow and shake my head. He sighs, "shame. Two interesting fights in a day might have cured my boredom."

What the actual fuck does that mean?!

I should say something.

"I really dig the gothic vampire bird thing you got going on. Immaculate vibes."

NOT SOMETHING THAT STUPID. GODDAMNIT.

The curiosity disappears like smoke, replaced by exasperation and no short amount of disdain.

"Bro, answer us!" Johnny screams from the water, a coughing and heavily bleeding Zoro in his and Yosaku's arms.

As they drag his body onto their ship with the help of Usopp, the swordsman speaks, "I am Dracule Mihawk! It is much too early for you to die. Know thyself! Know thy world! I will hold this seat of the strongest and wait for you. So forge on with that fierce conviction and surpass my sword! Become strong, Roronoa Zoro!" He turns to Luffy. "Boy, what do you aim for?"

Luffy doesn't back down a bit at his intense stare. "King of the Pirates!"

The manic smile spreads across Mihawk's face again. "A lofty goal indeed, even harder than surpassing me."

Luffy sticks his tongue out at him. "I'm doing it anyway!"

His burning gaze turns back to me. "And you?"

I blink. Why does this dude care about what I want? "I'm gonna make my Captain King," I say. I feel like if I repeat what I said to Luffy in the dinghy without absolute certainty, this man will cut me down where I stand.

He seems to stare right through me. "Yes, but what do you want for you?"

What does that mean?

…

What do I want? Was my goal from the boat genuine enough?

I do want to make Luffy King of the Pirates, but…

But I know he'll be King. There's no other alternative, nothing I do will change that. So what do I want?

Hm.

"I want to solve the greatest mystery of all, the One Piece. And all the mysteries along the way," I meet his gaze unflinching for the first time since he's arrived, conviction taking over my face, "I'm gonna solve it all."

Including why the hell I'm here.

He rewards me with a solitary nod.

"Usopp, is Zoro alright?!" Luffy yells to the boat.

"Alright's a stretch, but he's alive!" is his response.

Everyone falls silent as Zoro raises his sword in the air. "L — Luffy! Can… you hear me?"

"Yeah!"

"Sorry for worrying you… I know you need nothing less than the greatest swordsman in the world. I let you down — please forgive me!"

Dear god he's spitting blood.

"I swear," the world seems to hold its breath for his declaration, "that I'm never going to lose again!" Tears are pouring out of his eyes, but he continues. "Until the day that I fight him and win… I swear! To never lose again!"

His words ring like a church bell, or a death knell. It reverberates through the air like a physical force, demanding attention and acknowledgment.

"Any problems, King of the Pirates?!"

Luffy's face splits in a dazzling grin. "Haha, Nope!"

I can't help the dumb smile that overtakes my face.

"You're a good team. I want to see you three again in the future," Mihawk says, spinning on his heel and stalking towards his ship with a flourish of his cape.

"Hawk-Eye! Didn't you come all the way here for my head. The ruler of the East Blue, Don Krieg?!" the man in question shouts with a smirk. Lame bitch.

"For a while, yes. But I've enjoyed myself enough here, so I'll return to my nap."

His ass was napping! Why didn't I make a bet with Zoro when he was still conscious…

Krieg decides it's a great idea to fight Mihawk, like an idiot. Mihawk sends off one more attack, shattering the galleon even more, then fucks off into the great beyond.

"That was fucking intense," I mutter.

Luffy hums, "what an interesting guy." Then he hooks an arm around my waist and shoots us back to the Baratie with minimal trouble.

"Usopp! Go ahead, I'll leave Nami to you!" he yells to the little boat.

"Alright! Zoro and I'll bring her back for sure! So you make sure to get us that cook!" Usopp responds while he throws Luffy's hat, which I hadn't even noticed was missing in the commotion, "once we have the six of us, let's head to the Grand Line!"

Luffy stretches and catches his hat, slapping it onto his head and laughs. "Yeah! Let's!"

I call out to them as they leave, "remember, question everything! Always look for the truth behind the truth!"

Wait, was that a Fullmetal Alchemist reference? Oops, I'm mixing realities. Giving cryptic but not obtuse advice is hard…

He yells back a confused, "uh, sure!"

I spin back to the chefs of the Baratie. "Remember that 'defeat a great evil' clause?"

Zeff huffs a laugh. "You're good, busboy. So be it."

I clap. "Wonderful! Because I want precisely zero part of this. Imma go eat me some seafood." I spin on my heel and march right through the busted up doors of the restaurant, heedless of the shouts of outrage around me.

"You really wanna miss this Ed?" Luffy pouts as I leave his side.

I smirk at him over my shoulder. "I know I've been doing crunches every morning, but these abs can't stop bullets. You've got this more than handled. Besides, don't you wanna see what our new cook is made of?"

He smiles and nods his head. "Ok!"

That of course doesn't mean I'll be leaving them with nothing…

"Before I go… There's a guy in heavy armour in the water right around there, you can literally see the bubbles. Krieg supposedly has some kinda toxic gas as a last resort, don't forget about that. Oh! And please no one forget Gin is here. He's still Krieg's man. Ciao!"

And with that I slam the doors shut.

Some rich person must have left some good seafood around here, right?

—

Some rich person did in fact leave good seafood around. Lots and lots of it. Who the fuck would abandon their table when they had fucking curry mussels sitting on it? My ass would face Krieg for these things.

You may be wondering why the hell I'm not out there helping. To that I have one thing to say: are you fucking nuts?

I've got worse aim than a stormtrooper and the situational awareness of a baby. I'm a liability in pretty much any fight. Now in my defence, I'm gonna work on that.

Not gonna be weak forever.

But right now I sure as hell am! So once I get some half decent accuracy up in this bitch, then I'll help in some fights. Besides, the boys have got this.

I can hear periodic screams and some crashing from outside, but for the most part I'm pretty absorbed in these curry mussels. God damn the chefs here know how to cook.

The relative calm of my meal is rudely interrupted by a sudden flood of cooks bursting in and shutting the doors behind themselves. Patty turns and catches sight of me slurping down a mussel.

"Yo," I hold up a peace sign. "The gas? I did warn you. Did any of you grab my Captain? Or Sanji for that matter?" There's some guilty looks flashed about. I heave a sigh, then suck down another mussel. "Figures. They'll be fine, but someone better get something for Gin."

On that cue Sanji's screaming comes filtering through where some chefs have cracked the door, "Patty, get the kit!"

"Put the mask on him! It will detoxify the gas in his lungs, then take him up to the second floor to breathe." Zeff instructs. I pointedly keep quiet about how fucking incorrect that is. Anime logic is weird…

"Anyone see a table with crab?" I ask, draining the last of the sauce from my pilfered bowl of seafood. The look Zeff gives me is very Disappointed Father™ and I don't know how to process that.

There's more crashing and yelling outside but I'm focused on the dish I've just spotted. "Oooh is that lobster mac n' cheese?"

A chef glares at me. "What the hell is wrong with you? Are you not worried about your Captain at all?!"

I glare back, incredulous. "No? Why should I be? My Captain isn't gonna lose to Krieg of all people! Plus he's got Sanji to cover his back. I ain't got shit to worry about besides demolishing this mac."

I ignore the surprised looks so I can eat the goddamn mac n' cheese. And good gracious lord is it great. It's good we're taking Sanji with us, I would have fucking kidnapped a cook from here anyways if we weren't. Put 'em in a sack and everything.

I'm partway through a half finished shrimp linguini when there's a series of explosions outside. I keep ignoring that shit.

Things finally quiet to a degree after one last scream from Luffy and a very loud crash. I'm just finishing a plate of calamari at that point. "Should you really be eating this much?" a cook mutters to my left.

I glare at him. "Mind your own damn business."

He raises his hands in surrender and backs away slowly. Krieg seems to yell one last hurrah outside before Gin steps in and the Krieg Pirates retreat.

An injured and dripping wet Sanji hauls an even more injured and wet Luffy inside a few minutes later. He flashes me a tired smile, "my apologies for the disturbance, dear. I can get you something to eat once I get this idiot upstairs."

I laugh, patting my stomach. "No need, I was clearing out all the leftovers during the fight. The range of flavours here is amazing! Can't imagine why anyone would leave in the middle of a meal like these!"

It's actually a little weird, I could not stomach this much food before coming here… odd.

The surprise and awe on his face as he takes in all the dishes I had stacked during my scrap crusade is lovely. The slow genuine smile that lights up his face makes something warm settle in my stomach. "So be it. Would you like to join me upstairs while we wait for this moron to wake up? I can make us some tea."

I jump up from my chair and sling Luffy's free arm over my shoulder. "Sounds like a date!"

I end up pulled to the ground with a yelp by the combined body weight of Luffy and Sanji as he dramatically falls to the ground in tears.

"Stop crying weirdo!"

Notes:

Why can Ed inhale an entire restaurant's worth of food in one sitting? Take a wild fucking guess.

Also Mihawk... What do you know...

Chapter 15: Chapter Fifteen: She May Contain The Urge To Run Away

Summary:

Breezeblocks - alt-J

I raise an eyebrow and look over each of the surprised chefs. "You should know Sanji, he's been here longer than any of you. He's stubborn as a fucking mule, do you really think that is what would get him to leave? Idiots."

Notes:

Dropping this chapter early for the girlypops and ONLY the girlypops.

Bit of a slower transition chapter before the shit show that is Arlong Park.

When you guys read do you imagine the scenes or do you just vibe with the words I'm genuinely curious.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"My hat!" Luffy yells, waking with a start a few hours later.

"On the table!" I call from the balcony, where me and Sanji are leaning on the bannister with cups of tea in our hands.

"Have a good nap?" Sanji snorts, rolling his eyes.

"What happened to the pirates?" Luffy asks, scrambling to the edge of the bed.

"They left, thanks to you," Sanji replies, taking a long sip of his tea. "'Let's meet out on the Grand Line.' Gin said that before leaving," he adds.

Luffy rocks back and forth on the bed, scratching his nose. "He said that to you?"

Sanji almost drops his tea in his haste to turn with a scowl. "To you dumbass!"

"We're off the hook for working here too, because of my additional clause," I say with a wink to Luffy.

He giggles and hops off the bed. "So Sanji, you wanna—"

"I'm not gonna run away with you to be a pirate," Sanji shuts him down immediately. "I'll continue to be a cook here until that damn geezer acknowledges my skills," he says, staring out at the sea.

Luffy shoots me a look. I roll my eyes. "Fine, then I give up," he grumbles, latching onto the back of Sanji's collar.

"Your hand hasn't!" Sanji chokes out. "I can't just leave, these bozos' are completely undependable. But still, I promised myself… One day I'll go to the Grand Line," Sanji sighs after I remove Luffy's hand from his throat.

"Let's go then!" Luffy exclaims, bounding up beside me and shoving himself between me and the balcony.

"Not just yet though," Sanji continues. He turns his gaze from the wide ocean to give us the most dazzling smile. "Hey… Do you know about the All Blue?"

We listen to his impassioned rant with rapt attention. He gesticulates wildly, seemingly oblivious to the smiles me and Luffy exchange beside him. He's a keeper.

—

The dining bell sounds some time later, so the three of us make our way to the employee dining hall together. When we arrive, it's to not a single available seat.

"There's no chairs for you," one cook sneers.

"Ha, just eat on the floor!" another simpers.

"No chairs? This is a goddamn restaurant, how's that possible?" Sanji asks incredulously.

I stalk up to the nearest cook. With the height advantage him being seated grants me, I lean over him almost nose to nose, dead faced and wide eyed. This is a trick I used to use to scare kids. "Move please."

He scrambles out of the chair so fast it almost topples over. "Yes, sorry, excuse me," he whimpers, scuttling around to a different table. I slide into the chair and kick my feet up on the table, helping myself to a spoonful of the soup left at his spot.

Take that Zoro, I can be intimidating. Kind of.

I groan at the first mouthful, "fucking Christ that's good." I swipe a mostly empty glass of water from the table and tap it firmly with my spoon, sounding a clang that makes the quiet chatter of the mess hall silent.

"Hi guys. Just wanted to make something clear, since it's written on all of your faces. Pretending that Sanji's food is garbage won't make him want to leave," I state. The cooks turn to stare at me slack jawed and shocked. "Close your mouths," I order. The loud simultaneous clack of teeth punctuates the silence of the room.

I see Patty open his mouth to protest so I throw my spoon at him. Amazingly enough, my cutlery aim is much better than my aim with guns, so I nail him right on the nose. "Silence, fool! Unless you have something genuinely important to say, zip it."

He rubs his nose but stays quiet, sufficiently cowed.

I turn around to the bewildered Sanji, still stood in the doorway with Luffy. "Sanji, dear, would you please wait outside for a moment?" I reach up and slyly flick my ear with a wink, hoping he'll get the message to listen in.

He blinks a couple times before slowly nodding and backing out of the room with a two finger salute, shutting the door behind him. The room is silent as they wait for someone to say something.

"How'd you figure all that, busboy?" Zeff grunts from his seat.

I shrug. "Observing your behaviour over the past few days, seemed like your most likely course of action."

He huffs a laugh. "Seems I'm getting predictable in my old age. You're right, that was the plan." He casts an eye about the room. "We all know what a phenomenal chef he is. But honestly, I can't see much other way to get that idiot to listen to us." He turns to Luffy, who's slithered his way over to my seat and is chowing down on someone else's soup and other food, "hey kid, would you mind taking that lil' eggplant with you? Take him to the Grand Line… It's his dream."

There's some murmurs of relief from the cooks about not having to put on a show, and people asking for more helpings of soup.

Luffy tilts his head and slurps down some more soup. "Nope."

There's cries of outrage from everyone in the room.

"I thought you wanted a cook for your ship?! Is he suddenly not good enough?" Zeff asks, incredulous frown plastered on his face.

Luffy smiles and keeps eating. "He's good enough alright. I'd love it if he came with us. But he says he wants to stay here and be a cook. So ask all you want, but I'm not gonna take him."

"The kidnapping thing was a joke. Mostly," I add.

"So you won't accept unless he says it himself," Zeff guesses, stroking his fantastic moustache.

"Yup. More soup please!" Luffy hoists up his empty bowl and mine, which he managed to suck down while I wasn't looking. Dick.

"Well… fair enough. But who knows if that hard-headed brat will ever agree to go with you," Zeff grunts.

"Probably learned that stubbornness from you," I point out in a sing-song voice. He rolls his eyes.

Then there's loud screaming and a crash as the door — and half the wall — is destroyed by Yosaku, half stuck in a pan shark. He crashes through it in a spray of wood and plaster.

We all stare at him slumped on top of Sanji on the floor. I blink slowly at the pair. "This is… one of the weirder situations I've found men in."

"A Fishman?"

"Did he come all the way from Fishman Island to eat here?"

The chefs mumble as me and Luffy push our way through the crowd.

"Oh, Yosaku!" Luffy greets.

The man in question slowly tilts his head, tears streaming down his face. "Oh hey, Big Bro Luffy…"

"Why're you alone? Where are the others? Did you find Nami?" Luffy starts shooting off while a few cooks pull the shark off Yosaku and set him up on a chair.

"We never actually caught up to Big Sis Nami, but from the direction she was going we're pretty sure we know where she's headed," he says, eyes downcast.

"Oh good, then let's go get her," Luffy nods.

Yosaku grimaces. "Well… if what we're thinking is right, her destination is pretty damn dangerous," he puts up his hands, "in any case, we need your help! Please come with me!"

Luffy gives a solid nod. "I don't really get it, but I got it. Let's go."

I smear my hand down my face with a groan as we begin to walk out the ruined hole of the door. "If this is leading where I think it's leading, shit's about to get a lot more complicated."

Yosaku looks at me over his shoulder. "So you already know, Big Bro Ed?"

I nod my head. "I'll lay out my theory on the way there, but we should book it if we want to get there in time to help anyone."

As we walk past Sanji he calls, "wait." We turn to look at him. "I'll go too. Take me with you." There's silence from the chefs as they take that in. "I'll accompany you on your way to be the King of the Pirates," he repeats. "After all, we both have crazy dreams. So I'll tag along to fulfil mine. I'll be the cook for your ship," Sanji blows the smoke from his cigarette, "sound good? Or bad?"

Luffy's face explodes into a smile as he jumps into the air with a whoop. "Sounds great! Alright!" he cheers, then hooks an arm around my neck and starts dancing around while Sanji says his goodbyes to the cooks. Luffy jumps up on my back in a terrible imitation of a piggyback while I laugh.

"Thank god, I was gonna feel so bad if we actually had to kidnap him!"

—

The next hour is spent running around the restaurant gathering supplies and loading them onto the ship they're lending us. I'm pulled away from helping at some point by Zeff with a call of, "busboy! Got something for you."

I trot over and he hands me a piece of paper with a string of numbers written on it. I look up at him, surprised. Zeff lazily grins down at me. "Your Captain might have broken the restaurant, but he somehow didn't break a single dish. So fair's fair, here's my snail number." His eyes soften just a little. "You take care of the lil' eggplant for me, alright?"

I snort. "He doesn't need me to take care of him. But, I promise I'll support him any way he needs," I hold my hand out, "it's been an honour working here, Mr. Chef Zeff Sir."

He sounds a hearty laugh and clasps my hand for a firm shake. "You'd do better at any restaurant that ain't mine! Only come back here if it's for food or a visit!"

After that I make my way down to our little boat. "Big Bro Cook sure is taking his time…" Yosaku mutters while we climb into the ship.

The man in question takes that as his cue to stroll out of the restaurant, nothing but a sack over his shoulder. The crowd is dead silent, then Patty and Carne jump out of fucking nowhere to attempt and rock his shit.

"Payback time!" they both yell, leaping at Sanji with weapons raised.

Without him missing a single stride, Sanji slams both of them into the ground. There's a droning "Ooooh" from the crowd like we're back in middle school and someone just got called down to the principal's office.

"Let's go," Sanji says once he gets to the edge of the deck.

"You're not saying goodbye?" Luffy asks.

Sanji shakes his head, "it's fine."

I give him a pointed look and glance around at the gathered cooks, then up at the ship.

"Sanji," Zeff calls from the top balcony, "don't catch a cold."

Sanji freezes. We can see tears start to gather on his lash line, that he futilely tries to blink away. He spins on his heel and slams his forehead into the deck.

"Owner Zeff! Thank you for taking care of me for so damn long! I'll never forget for the rest of my life… the debt I owe you!" he cries into the wood.

The silence of the cooks dissolves as they all start to shout their goodbyes and well wishes.

I hook an arm around Luffy with a smile that he returns eagerly. Sanji jumps onto the boat and screams to the crowd, tears and snot falling down his face in cascades, "let's meet again, you good for nothing bastards!"

"Let's set sail!" Luffy cheers as we drift out onto the water.

—

Twenty minutes into the trip and Yosaku still hasn't stopped crying.

"Cheer up already," Luffy demands.

"I — I'm just so touched! It was truly a beautiful goodbye, Big Bro Cook!" he wails.

"Ok, stop now," I groan, shoving my hand in his face.

"Ahhh! I wanna bring Nami back so we can go to the Grand Line already!" Luffy yells, shuffling along the bow of our tiny ship.

"Even with Nami, don't you only have six people? Is that enough?" Sanji questions, lighting up another cigarette.

Luffy hums, "if it's more crew members I need, I'll get 'em on the Grand Line!" Sanji rolls his eyes. "Ed, you said you had some kind of theory about the place Nami is right?" Luffy asks, moving into criss-cross applesauce.

I nod and direct my attention to Yosaku. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but right now we're headed for Arlong Park."

He nods, wide-eyed. "How'd you know that?"

I settle down against the bow and cross my arms. "Let me break it down. Nami definitely has some connection to Arlong, it was obvious by how she reacted to his wanted poster. She hates his ass, no matter what she says. It's the kind of resentment that builds over a very long time. Her penny pinching tendencies also seem old hat, probably developed when she was younger. If I had to guess, I'd say the two are linked."

There's nods from Sanji and Yosaku, who seem to be following my logic pretty well. Luffy already looks confused. I continue, "so why does a child develop a fixation on gathering wealth in regards to a pirate? Possibly because she owes him money?" I twist a piece of my hair. "More likely, he's extorting her. Me and her once had a chat about carrying the weight of where you're from. It's either he's using memory of the place she's from as leverage to get money from her, or actively holding her home hostage. I'm willing to bet on the latter."

There's a moment of silence on the ship before all its occupants explode into noise.

"Poor Big Sis Nami!"

"That evil man! How dare he extort beautiful Nami!"

"I'm still confused!"

I pat Luffy on the knee. "Mean man is being mean to Nami."

"Ah!" he nods, "so let's go beat that guy up!"

Yosaku's eyes bug out. "Are you crazy?! Do you have any idea who Arlong is?!"

Both Sanji and Luffy nonchalantly shake their heads. "Nope."

Yosaku looks seconds from snapping and throwing us all overboard. "Have you heard of the Seven Warlords of the Sea?"

The boys nod this time. "Ed told us a little about them, like how the sword guy who beat Zoro was one," Luffy replies, sticking a finger up his nose. I smack him on the thigh until he removes it.

"Well one of these Seven Warlords is the Fishman Jimbei, and his price for joining the Warlords was setting that terrible monster loose on the East Blue!"

Oh, I forgot about that. Damnit, if I had a way of calling up Jimbei to kick Arlongs ass…

Actually that would do everyone's growth no favours. But in all fairness calling up Arlong's parole officer would be fucking hilarious.

"Hey now, I hear Jimbei is actually a lovely person. Let's not blame people for the actions of others," I scold, wagging my finger at him. Yoskau gives me a weird look that I cannot begin to interpret.

"Like this?" Luffy asks, holding up a picture of a fish with a bunch of legs and fins. Sanji bursts out laughing.

"TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!" Yosaku screeches, "he's stronger than even Don Krieg! He's straight from the Grand Line!"

"More like this?" Luffy holds up a slightly different drawing of a fish.

"That's the same fish standing upright," Sanji grouses.

"That's your issue with it?" I squint at him.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY?!" Yosaku screeches.

"Yeah, there's a strong Fishman dude, got it."

"YOU CAN'T IMAGINE THE POWER HE WIELDS!"

"I'll see when we get there."

"Yeah chill out Yosaku."

"TALKING TO YOU IS USELESS!"

I heave a long sigh. "Yosaku, Luffy's gonna fight whomever the fuck he wants to fight, their pedigree be damned."

Luffy flashes a bright grin and a peace sign while Yosaku cries into his hands.

"Either way, I think it's lunch time," Sanji announces, clapping his hands. "My dear Ed, what would you be in the mood for?" He bats his eyes at me, completely ignoring the other two.

I wave my hand. "Whatever they want, I'm not picky," I make a face, "unless it's lettuce. I really hate lettuce. Oh and I get texture issues from applesauce… I'll write you a list."

He blinks. "That would actually be super helpful," then he turns to the other boys, "so what do you want?"

"Meat on the bones!"

"Sauteed bean sprouts!"

"Coming right up!"

—

We get a solid maybe hour of peaceful travel filled with wonderful food and Yosaku's terrified whimpers. Then… then the giant cow fish shows up.

"I deal with a lot of weird shit because of you people, but a cow the size of a bank is where I'm drawing the line for today," I groan, smothering my face in my hands.

"What is that?"

"It's huge…"

Both Sanji and Luffy's subdued reactions are drowned out by Yosaku's throaty scream. This cow Sea King is one of Arlong's pals, right? Uh — Momoo? Maybe?

"It's actually kinda cute, if it doesn't kill us…" I mutter, shovelling the last of my food into my mouth before Luffy or the cow can steal it.

"S — S — S — SEA MONSTER!" Yosaku screeches.

"Cow?" Luffy questions with a tilt of his head.

"Cows don't swim. A hippo?" Sanji muses.

I stare at our newest member long and hard. "Sanji you beautiful moron…"

"IT'S A GRAND LINE MONSTER!" Fucking god Yosaku's voice gets shrill. Ouch my ear drums. The giant cow leans over our tiny boat, sniffing through his giant gold ringed snoot. "It must want the food!" Yosaku concludes. "Hurry up and give it the food before it flips the ship!"

Luffy's face cycles through the five stages of grief at record pace, settling on anger as he rears back his fist and delivers it into the poor cow monster's cute face. "Don't you dare touch my food!" he hollers.

I smack him upside the head. "Don't just hit the cute cow thing! He didn't do anything to us yet!"

Yosaku whips his head to me, tear stained face stretched in horrified outrage. " Cute?! What part of sea monster did you not get?!" Big cow moos at us in a volume that could probably crack stone. "NOW IT'S MAD AT US!" Yosaku looks seconds away from soiling his pants.

"I'll sock it one more time then!" Luffy announces.

Me and Sanji both punch him at the same time. "Dumbass! Don't just beat something up for being hungry!" Sanji shouts. He looks up at the cow with compassion shining in his visible eye. "I'm sure it's injured somewhere so it can't find food on its own, isn't that right?" He holds up a plate of food to the sweet cow. It tentatively opens its mouth, only for Saji to nail it right in the chin with a bone shattering kick and a scream of, "DIE!"

"NOOOO!" I wail, sinking to the ground with dramatic tears running down my face.

"Who's side are you on?!" Yosaku squawks.

"It was about to bite me too, what could I do?" Sanji defends.

"How could you?!" I sob as the poor baby rears up over our ship with a howl.

"Why I oughta—" Luffy grumbles, gearing up a fist.

Sanji puts a hand out. "Get back. I'll do it."

With a single spectacular kick the cow fish flops into the waves. Luffy shoves a piece of bread in my face like he's trying to mop up my tears.

"You guys suck."

Notes:

I feel so bad for the cow. Justice for Momoo 2k23. Also Ed out here reverse Sherlocking this shit to not seem psychic is the vibe.

Guys put funny notes in your bookmarks I wanna see 'em.

You have no idea how exited I am for you guys to read Arlong Park. You are not ready I promise you.

Chapter 16: Chapter Sixteen: I Was A Kid Until I Fixed It

Summary:

Oh No Darling! - Sarah Kinsley

There's a lot of screaming. Especially from me and Yosaku. Hey, you try being hurled through the air at high speeds with nothing to tie you down but some rubber guy who's more concerned about sticking his arms up like he's on a fucking roller coaster!

Notes:

I took Monday off work and wrote a whole three chapters. Slay.

Ahhhh I'm so fucking exited for you guys to experience this arc I'm real proud of it !

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

We end up harnessing the power of our aquatic bovine friend by latching onto the poor things horns to pull our ship. I feel terrible, and we've probably shot to the top of an animal cruelty watchlist.

"I don't think I've ever been more upset with you guys."

"I said I'm sorry!" Luffy whines, sprawled on the floor with me sat on his back.

"I'm so sorry, my beloved, please forgive me!" Sanji simpers, half splayed off the little boat. Dramatic bitch.

"We're bad people," I moan into my hands.

Yosaku, who has been watching the proceedings with a silent bewilderment, finally pipes up, "what would that alternative even be?"

I visibly flounder for an answer, "...asking politely?"

"That's stupid!" Luffy yells from under me.

"Brilliant! We'll try that next time!" Sanji proclaims, springing up into the middle of the boat.

"Look I just think being unnecessarily violent with the cow was a little mean—"

"I can see Arlong Park!" Yosaku suddenly announces. Luffy scrambles out from under me to scrabble up towards the bow and awe at the approaching island. Then the structure begins to veer slightly to the right.

"Hey! You're going the wrong way! Turn left!" Sanji yells, grabbing onto the side of the ship as we pick up speed.

"Hold onto your asses, partyboys!" I groan, hooking an arm around Luffy and praying.

The shore gets closer and closer at concerning speeds, until Momoo comes to an abrupt stop that slingshots our ship above shore and land, careening on a collision course with the distant ground.

"Yahoo! It's like we're flying!" said guy cheers, pulling me kicking and screaming up the bow of the ship.

"Almost?!" Yosaku cries.

"WE ARE FALLING MORON!" Sanji screams.

"I WANNA GO HOME!" I sob.

We crash through the tree canopy and start skidding along the dirt. "I should have gone with the advance party!" I wail.

"Hey it's Zoro!" Luffy suddenly proclaims.

Indeed, we're hurtling towards a horrified Zoro at breakneck pace.

"WHAT THE FUCK—"

I'm not going to lie, the crash hurts a little. I go rocketing out of our splintering ship, ass over teakettle and screaming, skidding along the road in a pathetic facsimile of a somersault. I smack into something solid, roll a couple more times, and come to a stop with a groan.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" the shape under me wheezes in Zoro's voice.

"What do you mean? We're here to pick up Nami. Why haven't you found her yet?" Luffy's voice answers.

I feel Zoro trying to push me off but I stay put. "Five more minutes… Let the world stop spinning first…" I mumble into what I think is his stomach.

"Look what you did! You broke our First Mate!" Zoro berates.

"Where's Usopp?" Luffy asks.

I'm suddenly shoved into the dirt as Zoro clammors to his feet. "Shit, Usopp! We gotta hurry!" I roll onto my side so I can see Zoro starting down the path we're on.

"What's wrong?" Luffy asks while helping me to my feet.

Zoro stares back at us imploringly. "That dumbass got caught by Arlong! We gotta hurry before they kill him—"

"He was already killed!" Johnny's voice sounds from behind us. "Big Bro Usopp… was murdered by Big Sis Nami!" he shouts, tears pouring out from under his sunglasses.

We all freeze for a second. Then Luffy is lunging out of my arms at Johnny.

"Woah!" everyone starts shouting at once.

I grab Luffy around the waist to try and haul him off the poor guy. "Say it one more time and I swear I'll kick your ass!" Luffy yells, bicycle kicking his feet as I lift him off the ground to drag him away.

"It's not like it's Johnny's fault!" Zoro yells.

"He's making up bullshit! There's no way Nami would kill Usopp! We're crewmates!" he roars, flailing so hard it sends the two of us tumbling into Zoro.

Johnny looks on with a frown. "It's fine if you don't believe it… But I saw it with my very own eyes! She's a murderer!"

"No she's not. Calm down," I grouse, passing Luffy to Zoro like a feral cat. Johnny takes a step forward looking like he wants to start yelling at me, but Luffy snarling and snapping his teeth makes him pause. "Oh please, I know Nami. Despite herself and whatever deal she has with Arlong, she's actually come to care about us. So she didn't 'kill' Usopp and she probably never had any intention of hurting him," I state, arms crossed and face stern.

"Is that so?" Nami's flat voice intones from behind us. Silence reigns as we all turn to stare at her. "As always, you think you've got it all figured out. Newsflash detective , you're dead wrong this time," she spits, expression dead and eyes mean.

I hold her stare for a long second. "...Nice glove." Her posture visibly stiffens as she crosses her arms to hide the hand, scoffing as she does. I stare her down. "What exactly did I get wrong, pray tell?"

Nami glares at me. "You don't know me. You're just some random pirates I swindled out of their money. I'm not your crewmate, and certainly not your friend," she spits the last word like barbed wire clawing out of her throat.

Luffy tugs out of Zoro's lax hold. "What're you talking about? Of course you are. We came to get you!"

She scoffs. "Don't make me laugh. You're just pathetic enough to deserve each other."

Luffy's eyes widen as Johnny pushes in front of us. "Damn you! You killed him, I watched you do it!"

I shake my head and mutter under my breath, "no one ever fucking listens to me."

"So what? Would you like to try and avenge him?" Nami says with a smirk. Johnny makes a shocked noise. "Word to the wise, fellas. Because of your friend's stupidity, Arlong wants Roronoa Zoro and all his companions dead. No matter how monstrously strong you think you all are, you're no match for the real monster. I promise you, you stay on this island, you die. Not that it matters to me."

"Nami! It's me! Do you remember me? Let's run away together!" Sanji suddenly shouts, lovestruck look plastered across his face.

"Shut up! You're just complicating things!" Zoro shouts at him.

Sanji's face flattens into a glare. "What was that? Don't you know love is like a hurricane! Look at me when I'm talking to you—"

"Nami, where's Usopp?" Zoro demands.

The twitch of her face is almost imperceptible. "At the bottom of the ocean."

"Damnit, cut the crap!" he yells, drawing this sword and lunging. He's stopped short by Sanji launching a kick at him.

As the two of them start to bicker I mutter down to Luffy, who's still staring at Nami with an unreadable expression, "I get the sinking feeling they're gonna be like this all the time…"

"If you're gonna fight, do it off the island. You outsiders have no right to butt into this island's affairs. Don't you get it yet? The only reason I got close to you idiots was to rob you blind, but now that you're completely broke you've lost your charm."

I'll give her this, she's a much more convincing actor than Usopp was. If I didn't know what I know, and wasn't paying attention to her micro-expressions, she might have convinced me too.

"So go, take your ship. Find a navigator dumb enough to join you and find the One Piece or whatever. Now get off this island! You're an eyesore!" Her smirk melts into something cold and impassive. "Farewell."

"Nami…" Luffy murmurs, before he suddenly flops to the ground. Johnny and Yosaku make shocked noises. "I'm gonna sleep," he announces.

"At a time like this?!" they both shout.

He simply closes his eyes, folds his hands under his head and relaxes. "I don't feel like leaving the island yet, but I don't really care about its affairs either. And I'm tired, so I'm sleeping."

There's noises of outrage from the whole group, but I just plop down next to him. "I've hung out in worse places, and honestly hearing all that bullshit tired me out too."

"Fine, do whatever the hell you want! You can die for all I care!" Nami screams, tearing down the road away from us.

There's silence among the group for a moment as they process. "Are you really going to take a nap on the road?" Zoro asks.

I yawn through my hand, "nah, Luffy probably, but I'm not. There's a lot of shit going on here I'd be more than happy to ignore if it wasn't for Nami."

"You're all out of your minds! Arlong is out to get us, we have to go!" Johnny shouts.

"Now that we know what Nami's really like there's no good reason to stay!" Yosaku adds, shooting me a pitying look. "Your theory be damned, Big Bro Ed, I believe what Johnny saw!"

Johnny shakes his head and adjusts his glasses. "I'm afraid this is where we part ways. We have no desire to be hunted down by Arlong!"

"Fine," Zoro replies from where he's sat down beside us.

"May we meet again someday!"

"Take care!"

The two of them march down the road, opposite the way Nami ran.

"You too!" Zoro calls back.

—

Silence reigns for a few minutes.

"Hey Zoro," I start. The man in question hums. "3,500 berri says Usopp is about to come running down that road, completely fine."

He shoots me a halfhearted glare. "Really? You don't think she actually killed him?"

I scoff with a small smile. "Nope. I've got all the proof I need right here," I say, holding up a small bundle of cash. 4,500 berri, to be exact. Zoro raises an eyebrow. "Nami is one of the best pick pockets you'll ever meet. If she actually gave zero shits about us, she would have taken this from me too. But here I am, with money still to my name. Money she knew I had. We slept in the same damn room, it would have been stealing candy from a baby." I shoot him a smirk, "4,000 berri says my theory on the boat, not that you heard it, is 100% accurate."

He rolls his eyes. "Without even needing to hear it I'm willing to take that. You can't be right all the time."

This motherfucker is going to eat his words.

"Do you honestly believe Nami killed Usopp?" Sanji pipes up from where he's sat under a nearby tree.

Zoro smirks over his shoulder at him. "Who knows? Maybe she got so pissed after I called her small-time she actually did him in."

Sanji's entire face twitches.

"Hooh boy…" I mutter, sliding down closer to Luffy, who's still snoring loudly.

"Small… time!" Sanji roars, furious. Both boys jump up and lunge at each other, just as Usopp comes running up to us with a huge smile on his face.

"Oh thank god! I thought you — AUGH!" His poor face is then crunched between Sanji's heel and Zoro's scabbard.

"Eh."

"Ah…"

"He's alive!" Sanji exclaims.

"Maybe not anymore…" Zoro looks mortified.

Haha. Loser. Luffy takes this as the perfect moment to snort himself awake from his nap. He takes one look at Usopp and promptly loses his shit. He scrambles right over me in his haste to get to Usopp. "Ough!" I wheeze as a rubber elbow plants itself in my side.

"Usopp! Did Nami do this to you?!"

"Uh no. That was us," Sanji laughs, sweat dripping down his face.

"You mean you," Zoro scoffs.

"Luffy, Ed, you're here now!" Usopp cries.

"Yup. Just dropped in," I wheeze from the ground.

"I'm here too! Hi there!" Sanji laughs.

Usopp jumps up at him with a glare containing the heat of a thousand suns. "I'll kill you one of these days!"

"By the way, we kinda heard you were dead. Killed by Nami," Zoro states.

"I knew he was talking shit!" Luffy shouts.

I roll to my feet at this point, a glare shot at Luffy and a hand rubbing my side. "He was being very insistent."

"I mean… no? She saved my life," he declares. I silently smack my hand into Zoro's chest. He glares at me and passes over 3,500 berri. I smile brightly at him.

I am very much enjoying myself.

"If you ask me, there must be some reason why she joined up with the Arlong Pirates," Usopp states, arms crossed and brow furrowed.

"Your theory is looking more and more plausible, dearest," Sanji muses.

"It's useless," comes a new voice from behind us, "no matter what you do, Arlong's rule won't come to an end."

How many goddamn people are gonna sneak up on us on the same fucking path?

There, stood with a hand cocked on her hip and an impassive look slapped across her face, is Nojiko.

"Who's she?" Luffy questions, pointing a finger at her.

"Nami's sister, Nojiko," Usopp replies, a vexed expression on his face.

"Nami's sister?! No wonder she's so beautiful!" Sanji sighs.

"What do you mean useless?" Zoro asks with a raised eyebrow.

Nojiko continues to stare. "Just trust me, don't get yourselves involved in what's happening here. I'll explain what's going on, so in return I want you to just leave quietly."

Usopp's eyebrows raise into his hairline. "You can tell us why Nami joined Arlong's group?"

"Yup. And if that doesn't make you want to leave, I don't know what will."

The boys make curious sounds, but Luffy just walks right past her. "I'll pass."

"Huh? Wait!"

"I don't care about her past. I'm going for a walk," he says with a shrug.

"A walk?! You're not gonna listen to this?" Usopp calls.

"No, I'm cool," Luffy calls back.

I sigh, tucking my cash back into my pockets. "I'm going too."

"What? Why?" Usopp asks, more incredulous by the second.

"I've already figured it all out. Besides, I've got an appointment to keep," I glance over my shoulder as I pass Nojiko, "and I've got a place I need to see. Nami's favourite place in the world is here, I owe it a visit."

Nojiko's look of surprise is the last thing I see before I set my head forward and march down the road.

—

"Excuse me, I'm looking for the tangerine grove. Could you point me in the right direction? It's urgent," I ask the first person I see once I reach Cocoyashi Village. The woman, who already looked a little wary of me, gets a defensive look on her face. "I'm not here to break or steal anything. Have the Marines already come through?"

She gives a hesitant nod and I curse under my breath. Fucking Nezumi is already going to be there.

"Change of plans. I need to know where Nami's house is now . That Marine Captain works for Arlong, he's here to steal all the money she's gathered, and we have exactly no time to lose," I say urgently.

That shocks the woman into action. She grabs me by the wrist and starts running through the village, hollering to everyone she passes, "that Marine is working for Arlong! Nami's in trouble!" By the time we're starting up the hill to the house there's a small crowd of people marching behind us.

The first clue that we're nearing our destination is Nami's voice exclaiming, "what did you say?!"

I immediately pick up my pace, pulling out of the women's grip so I can sprint the last length. "Shit, shit, shit," I mutter between heaving breaths.

"Search her house!" a skeezy voice yells right as I arrive at the scene. A small horde of Marines, including Captain Nezumi beside a confused looking Genzo, stand outside the house. I can see Nami reaching for her bo staff as Marines approach her door.

"Cease and desist!" I scream, coming to a skidding stop a few feet behind the rat bastard.

The whole group pauses as the Captain turns to me with a raised eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

I pull in a couple heavy breaths. "Cease and desist," I repeat, hunching over with my hands on my knees.

"The hell—"

"You're performing an unlawful and unauthorized raid on a civilian home," I interrupt him, still wheezing between words.

"Uh—"

"I know for a fact it's unauthorized because on one would authorize a raid in a village so close to Arlong Park," I continue.

"That's—"

"Do you have a warrant to search the property?" I ask, finally straightening up. I can see Nami, confused, shocked, and a little angry, stood between the Marines and her front door, and a bewildered and gassed up Captain Nezumi staring at me.

I'm starting to feel more like a lawyer and less like a detective…

He visibly hesitates, wrong footed by his authority being questioned so bluntly. "Well no, but—"

I interrupt him again, a condescending smile slapped on my face. "Do you even have evidence that the berri on this property is stolen?"

"Yes!—"

"Then you shouldn't have any trouble getting that warrant. Unless you want me to call Vice Admiral Garp up right now? I have been meaning to chat with him about his grandson…"

As always, bluffing out of my ass is gonna have to cut it.

"Who are you?!" Captain Nezumi spits, panicked.

I smirk and do a flourish with my hand. "Detective E. D. Domino. I have to say, Captain Nezumi, the things I've seen here today have certainly been… enlightening."

Sweat starts to pour out from under his hat as his face twitches. "Who… exactly do you report to?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Do you want me to start at the top and work down? These aren't exactly people you can bribe."

"I wasn't—"

"That money is for the sake of every resident in Cocoyashi Village! You have no right to take it away!" comes the yell of Genzo, who's still standing behind Nezumi.

Nami's face goes white. "Gen… How did you know that..?"

Genzo tilts his pinwheel adorned hat down over his eyes. "I knew all along Nami. Back then, we just couldn't believe what you'd done, so we forced Nojiko to tell us the truth. Everyone knew all along." There's sounds of agreement through the small group that I completely forgot where behind me. "We feared that if you knew we knew, it would pressure you into staying if you ever wanted to run away," he explains.

"Does that mean all the villagers in this town were abetting a thief?" Nezumi asks, a hint of condescension slipping back into his voice.

"Watch it, rat boy. No one here is taking lip from a guy taking bribes from Arlong," I snap at him. "Not that he'd actually give you any of the money," I add with a shrug, "he fucking hates all humans. You included."

He makes a choked wheeze. "How did — But the 100 million berri…"

Shock ripples through the crowd.

"What…" Nami breathes out, looking at me in dawning horror.

"He's what?" Nojiko's voice demands as the woman herself pushes through the group, fists on her hips.

Nezumi looks back and forth between the crowd, Nami, Genzo and me, panic melting as his face settles into something cold and uncaring. "Baseless conjecture. As workers of the government we're only doing our duty and persecuting thieves."

As all the people around me start yelling in outrage Nezumi spins on his heel and snaps his fingers. "Take them out. They're interfering with our investigation." He smirks over his shoulder at me as the Marines pull up their guns. "Sorry detective, hope your superiors weren't expecting a report anytime soon."

I see Nami make a move to run past me, Nojiko and Genzo on her heels to stop her. I see the Marines taking aim. My blood runs cold.

Nojiko jumps in front of Nami. I draw my gun. I won't make it in time.

Always one second too short.

I throw myself into the lot of them, pistol still raised. I shoot.

I don't see what my bullet connects with.

My shoulder explodes in agony, and I hear Nojiko behind me make a noise of pain.

Fuck.

Notes:

lmao

Chapter 17: Chapter Seventeen: The Bullet Hit But Maybe Not

Summary:

The Other Side of Paradise - Glass Animals

For the first few seconds I can't hear anything at all. Just a high pitched ringing and the droning hiss of static.

Notes:

AHAHAAHA GUESS WHO HIT 100,000 WORDS IN THE DRAFT

Also there's some references to racism and discrimination (fantastical and otherwise) in this chapter. Ik guys I'm just loading all this shit out during PRIDE MONTH I'm a DISGRACE I would like to APOLOGIZE.

(No seriously though I didn't plan that it just happened to fall that way lmao)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Something they don't tell you about getting shot; it really fucks with your brains processing ability. Like, my ass just got shot. And the most important thing to me right now is trying to recall if I locked the door to my house before I died.

That has absolutely no bearing on my life now. I couldn't go back and change it, I couldn't ask my mom to fix it, I couldn't tell her I'm sorry if anything got stolen.

…

The sky is so blue today. Everything seems so blurry, like it's moving in slow motion. A bird circles lazily overhead and the sun burns in the corner of my vision. A stray leaf floats into view and everything suddenly sharpens and snaps into focus.

My vision goes white. My breath catches in my throat as I fall backward. My shoulder meets something solid.

I scream.

For the first few seconds I can't hear anything at all. Just a high pitched ringing and the droning hiss of static.

I am completely oblivious to the world around me. The only thing that exists to me is the searing pain in my shoulder. Who could have guessed getting shot hurts so fucking bad?

Muffled voices leak through my ears like water. Murmurs and shouts, just barely drowned out by someone still screaming. Wait, shit, that's me.

I clamp my teeth together as hard as I can. I can feel hands holding me and a man's voice trying to get through to me. Fuck, where's Nami and Nojiko? Oh god what happened to Nojiko?!

"No—" I cut myself off with a wheeze, "Nojiko?"

A head of orange hair moves into my view. Nami's horrified face looks down at me and Genzo's voice creeps into my ears. "Nojiko is fine! The bullet barely grazed her. Nami, get me a wad of cloth or leather, don't let her bite through her own tongue!"

"Them. They're not a girl," I see Nami say, face frozen and numb.

"Wonderful, now shove something in their mouth!" Genzo impatiently replies.

I open my mouth again to ask, "what—" but Nami takes the opportunity to shove something into my mouth. "Hmmph?!" I muffle through whatever it is, reflexively trying to spit it out.

"This is gonna hurt, brace yourself!" Genzo says. A hand worms into mine, another settling near my injured shoulder. A sudden increase in pressure sends white hot agony through my body like lightning.

My throat tearing scream is muffled by whatever is in my mouth, and it thankfully does save my tongue from being cut clean off by my clenching teeth. The pain boils hotter and hotter, completely unbearable.

And just when I think I can't handle anything more, I black out.

—

"Don't tell me the Marines shot them?!" Is the first thing I hear after breaking through the grip of unconsciousness. I make a low groan and squint open my eyes. The first thing I see is Nojiko's face above me sagging in relief. "They're awake!"

"Wha'ppened?" I slur, shifting to try and sit up. Pain races up from my shoulder and I let out another, louder, groan.

"Try not to move, the doctor is gonna take a look at you." Nokijo says, smiling down at me worriedly.

"Shiiiiiit… Did I get shot?" I mumble, rolling my head back to look around. I notice I'm propped up in Nojiko's lap, and she has a small amount of blood leaking from her arm too. Genzo is stood behind her, looking around for presumably the doctor.

The small group of civilians that had followed me to Nami's house has grown in size, and are huddled around us. "Damn, what a crowd. What's the occasion?" I murmur as the doctor finally comes forward and starts checking out my shoulder.

"You're still joking at a time like this?" Nami's voice asks quietly. I lift my head to see her standing above me, just in front of the crowd. Her face is tilted down and her eyes shadowed. I can see her fists shaking.

Ah fuck.

"Hey Nami, What's up? Need any help?" Luffy's energetic voice questions as the boy himself pushes through the crowd with a smile on his face. The smile evaporates as Nami furiously grabs him by the collar and he catches sight of me on the ground, probably smeared once again in my own blood.

"Why are you still here?! Why are both of you still here?!" Nami shouts, raw emotion making her vocal chords shake. "This has nothing to do with either of you! Just get the hell off this island!"

She throws Luffy, who's staring at me whitefaced, to the ground and takes off in a dead sprint down the road. A few people call after her, but my eyes are locked on my Captains.

"It's fine," I say softly. Luffy scrabbles across the ground to me. He hunches over my head, wide dark eyes darting across my face and shoulder. I reach my uninjured arm up to grab him by the face. "It's fine," I repeat.

"Who…" he starts.

I shake my head. "It's fine. I'm fine." I crack a wry smile, "hey, at least I wasn't stabbed this time!"

His face cracks, features crunching together and eyes scrunching. "That's not the point dummy!" he shouts right into my face, "I wasn't even there this time!"

Oh.

Gotta shut that shit down right now.

"Hah?!" I shout right back at him. He jerks his head back, shock clear on his face. "What happens to me when you're not around isn't your fault, dumbass! I make stupid choices that don't always work out! I'm a fucking idiot so I'm gonna keep getting hurt!"

He opens his mouth to argue as I suck in a breath. I scream, as loud as I can, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT ME!"

The entire crowd takes a step back, doctor excluded. That dude just keeps wrapping my tender shoulder up.

I take another deep breath. "Luffy," I start, much softer this time, "my weakness will never be your fault. I'm not hurt because you're not strong enough."

He tilts his head down to shade his eyes, slowly nodding his head. "I know," he says, almost inaudible.

"Do you?" I ask, just as quiet. Silence spreads for a few moments, only broken by my hiss as the doctor tightens the bandage.

"You got off pretty lucky. Bullet went right through and missed all the important shit, probably why poor Nojiko got banged up too. You'll be fine," the doctor says gruffly, slapping another roll of bandages into my hand, then rocking back on his heels and moving on to patching up Nojiko.

"See? Just fine," I murmur.

Oddly enough, getting honest to god shot hurts almost less than being smacked by a lion. The real question is whether that has more to do with me getting a higher pain tolerance, or some weird… assimilation with this world's healing rate. I don't fucking know.

I flick the brim of Luffys hat up so I can see his face. Big watery black eyes stare back at mine. "I'm glad you're worried about me, it's nice to know you care. But if you stop to pity me every time I get hurt we'll never make it to the end of the Grand Line."

His face pinches up. "Okay. Sorry. I'll care, uh — quieter?"

I snort, then pull his head closer to press a sound kiss to his forehead. "Be as loud as you damn well please, Captain. Now go take care of Nami, and I'll take care of myself."

"If nothing else, you gave as good as you got," Genzo pipes up from behind us. "Caught that Marine bastard right in the side. You're a pretty good shot, kid."

I can't help the full body laugh that rumbles through me. "Ha! You hear that? I'm getting better!"

A big smile creeps up Luffy's face, the last vestiges of his melancholy draining away. "Of course you're getting better," he states, getting to his feet.

The same woman that had led me to Nami's house earlier comes up to my side and helps me to my feet. "My home is right here, you can rest for a bit while we get everything sorted," she says with a warm smile, guiding me through the door. I throw my head back over my shoulder to give Luffy a wink and a thumbs up before the door is shut behind me.

She helps me get situated on a plush couch, pulling an afghan draped on the back of it over my lap. "I'd like to suggest you take a nap while you can, but you don't seem like that kind of person," she says, walking through an open door to what I presume is the kitchen. The sound of running water confirms my suspicion. "So instead I just ask that you take as long as you need to adjust. I have the feeling things are coming to a head out there, so if I don't come back, please feel free to leave the island."

She wanders back to the couch and hands me a glass of water. I stare up at her, mouth agape. "What is it?" she asks, head tilted in confusion.

I shake my head. "Sorry, it's just… you're very kind, to be helping me like this. And hearing you talk so nonchalantly about your own death is a little… disconcerting."

She chuckles softly. "Don't you worry about that. The bathroom is the first door on the right down that hall, the one across from it is mine. If you need a change of clothes please take anything."

"That does it! Arm yourselves, it's time to fight!" comes a muffled yell from outside.

The woman sighs, grabbing a kitchen knife as she walks to the door. "Here we go. You stay safe now."

"Thank you!" I call as she walks out the door, she flashes me a smile and shuts it behind her.

I sit in silence, listening to the muffled yelling and rallying cries outside.

"Shit," I whisper.

—

It's some time later when I finally get up. The yelling has completely died down, there's no more harsh footfalls or clanging of weapons. I fold up the woman's afghan, making sure I didn't leave blood stains on it, and make my way outside.

The streets are abandoned, save for Nami crouched on the ground clutching Luffy's straw hat to her head. I quietly pad up behind her.

"They all go to fight Arlong, then?" I ask. She visibly jumps, neck craning to stare back at me. Tears are still wet on her face, skin red and splotchy. She slowly nods. "Hm. How's your shoulder?" I don't even have to ask. The skin is fucking shredded, deep gouges mar the skin all over her former tattoo.

"How's yours?" she shoots back with none of the usual heat.

I snort. "Just fine."

We stay silent for a few moments, Nami thumbing the brim of Luffy's hat and staring holes into the ground. "I thought Luffy didn't let anyone touch his straw hat," she says, still looking at the ground. "Except maybe you," she adds.

I snort quietly. "Hah. You've seen firsthand what kind of guy he is, why do you think you're wearing it?"

Nami pauses. "I don't know," she settles on.

I gently place my hand on the back of her neck. She ever so slightly leans back into the touch. "Right now you're holding his treasure while he's getting yours back," I smile, "you don't have to worry, he'll take the overgrown guppy down just like any other foe." Nami doesn't answer, she just tightens her grip on the hat. Then she murmurs something inaudible. "Hm?"

"Bandages. Do you have more bandages?" she repeats, jumping to her feet and spinning on me.

I blink. She stares back with an expression of fierce determination. I silently hold up the extra roll of bandages the doctor had given me. She snatches it out of my hand and starts poorly trying to wrap up her own shoulder.

"Let me," I take them back from her shaking hands, wrapping her up to the best of my ability.

"I've already cried and complained enough. Everyone else is already fighting, I've decided I have to as well!" she says, determination leaking out of her every pore.

"Got it, I'll have your back," I state. She sends me a grateful smile that I return with a small smirk, "and I promise I won't get shot doing it this time."

She barks out a laugh as we start to run the direction of Arlong Park.

—

"You should just die. It's not like your lives are actually worth anything," a voice like tumbling salt rocks intones as we reach the back of the crowd outside Arlong Park. As the people part, Nami stalks forward, me on her heels with my pistol drawn.

Not that it'll be much use against a goddamn Fishman.

I can see the bruised, beaten, bloody bodies of Sanji and Zoro at the feet of Arlong. And may I just say, WHAT THE FUCK. Look, saying 'shark Fishman' is one thing, but seeing this motherfucker up close… BRO. SCARY.

"ARLONG!" Nami screams.

The Fishman turns to regard us. "Nami. Great timing, I was just about to kill these pirates. What brings you here?"

She glares him down. "I'm here to kill you."

Arlong lets out a rancorous laugh. "Kill me? Shahaha! How many times have you tried to kill me in the past eight years..? Assassination, poison, sneak attacks… But did you ever succeed?! Shouldn't you know by now mere humans can't kill me?!"

Wow this guy's superiority complex is off the goddamn charts.

"I'm not going to kill you. You'll remain my cartographer forever," he muses. Nami tenses even more at my side. "But you know I'm a stand up guy… so I'd rather you be my cartographer of your own free will. So how's this, I kill every single living thing on this island but you. But…"

Nami's hand shoots out and grabs onto mine in a vice grip. I hold it back just as tight. I really hope she can't feel how hard I'm shaking.

"If you agree to join the Arlong Pirates and keep drawing maps as one of my officers, I'll spare the residents of Cocoyashi Village. I can't say the same for these guys though… they've pissed me off too much," he says, kicking Sanji's limp body. "There's only one question… who are you going to side with?" He grins his wide shark toothed grin, "tell me Nami, are you with me? Or with them..?"

The space between our clenched palms is slick with sweat. Nami is heaving for breath. The villagers are shouting around us. I squeeze Nami's hand. She looks at me. I give her a solid nod and smile. Her eyes turn glossy. She spins around to regard the villagers.

"Sorry everyone!" she shouts. The crowd pauses. "Please die with me!"

They all immediately explode in cheers. "Alright!"

"I see… so you all choose to die…" Arlong mutters.

A huge spout of water shoots up just outside the gates. "Big Bro Luffy is alive!" Johnny cries from beside us.

Zoro struggles to his feet, using his swords to leverage himself. "30 seconds! That's all I got!" he says, voice hoarse and wet.

"That'll be enough!" Sanji answers, kicking off his shoes and diving into the water in one fluid movement.

As Arlong makes a move to follow Zoro swings out with one of Johnny or Yosaku's swords. "Don't worry about that. It's nothing at all, you half-fish mutant!" he spits.

Arlong glares and licks the blood off his face. "Didn't I tell you not to call me that, Roronoa Zoro?"

I slide my hand out of Nami's, level my pistol and shoot twice. Arlong dodges the bullets with a simple tilt of his head. "You gonna say no to some range support, Zoro?" I call over.

He sends me a shaky smirk. "Nope, fire at will!"

"There's still more of you?" Arlong sneers. Then a fucking egg shoots past my head that he deflects with a flick of a finger.

"I'm also here!" Usopp calls, half crouched behind the shattered wall. He grins a manic smile over at us, "Nami, Ed! I took down one of their officers by myself! Ha!"

I give him a matching smile. "Great job, sweetheart!" Nami lets out a laugh of pure disbelief.

"30 seconds, right?" I yell to Zoro. He gives me an exhausted nod. "Wonderful, I can talk for that long!" I take a few steps forward. Not many mind you, I'm not getting closer to this psycho than I have to. "Hey, Arlong!" I shout. He regards me as one would a worm. Ouch. "You're a huge asshole!" Every single person in my vicinity chokes. "You're a money-grubbing materialistic dick faced cunt bag and a disgrace to that mark you wear!"

That's enough to draw his ire solely on me. "What did you say?!" he growls.

"You fucking heard me! How dare you wear a symbol like that while doing the things you've done here!"

Maybe if I rant at him long enough Luffy will show up and save us. Yeah. That'll work. I do notice Hatchi slip into the water behind Arlong, but that'll take care of itself thanks to the wounds Zoro inflicted on him earlier.

"A lowly human dares to lecture me on things it doesn't understand?" he grits, voice like gravel rolling with fury.

"Fuck right off! You think just because I'm human I can't understand you? Newsflash motherfucker, hate is universal!" There's silence from the crowd as I go off. I lower my voice from a yell to just being firm. "There's a lot of discrimination where I'm from. And what I've learned is that people will use almost anything to 'other' a group of people."

I count off on my fingers, the movement jostling my shoulder. "Race, religion, gender, sexuality, wealth, anything. It comes to a point where you realize people don't even hate you for what they say they do. They just do it because they can." I can't keep the bitterness out of my voice. "People are… predictable. Stupid . Prideful and obtuse," I soften my eyes for my crewmates, "but they're also kind. And gentle, and understanding. They're very easy to love. That's about all I need to know about them."

The moment is shattered by Arlongs slow clap. "Wonderful speech, truly. But even still, it remains that a worm like you could never understand what it means to be a Fishman, to be superior in every way but still treated as monsters!"

My expression flattens out. "Guess there's no getting through to you." I fire another shot that he once again dodges.

"Fine! You want to fight me, so you shall!" he roars, charging towards me with his fist raised.

I'm thankfully saved by Zoro diverting his blow with a strike of his own. "I'm your opponent too! Don't forget about me!" he yells hoarsely.

"Thanks buddy!" I call, firing another bullet that is also dodged. This is getting old.

That's uuuuh four bullets down? Yeah. Three shots left.

Another of those shots is wasted as I fire while Zoro ducks for a swipe at his legs. "Balls! Zoro, hun, can you get me an opening?"

He replies with a wordless yell and, "I'm fucking trying!"

I throw my free hand up. "You don't have to be such a bitch about it, Jesus!"

Two left.

"I got you!" yells Usopp, a couple pellets firing past me in close succession. Some kind of smoke bomb and something that goes off like a sparkler. As Arlongs face emerges from the smoke like something straight out of Jaws I shoot again. The bullet bounces uselessly off his crazy nose.

"Fuck!" I shout out of frustration.

One shot left, make that shit count!

Zoro takes my move as a cue to try and slice off his nose, it predictably doesn't work. Arlong grabs him by the neck and hoists him into the air. "What's with all the bandages?" he sneers. Zoro mumbles something inaudible. "Hah? What was that?"

"ED! SHOOT!" Zoro roars, stabbing one of his swords into Arlongs forearm to hold him in place. As he makes a shout of pain I race forward and level my pistol up at his face, almost point blank.

Can't miss this time.

"Eat shit and live," I growl. I fire my pistol.

Nothing comes out.

…

"Crap."

Notes:

Hehe.

Had to do it to 'em.

Look we all knew Ed was gonna make a stupid ass mistake like this eventually—

Chapter 18: Chapter Eighteen: Should I Keep It Light, Stay Out Of The Fight?

Summary:

Burn the House Down - AJR

"Was… that 30 — seconds..?" I gasp through the choking.

Notes:

This one is for all those who wanted Ed to take a dip in the water for scientific purposes.

And an end to Arlong Park arc!

WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF THE EAST BLUE ALMOST ALMOST—

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

I'm seized at the neck by Arlong's free hand. I choke out a gasp as I'm lifted a few feet off the ground.

"What was that? Eat shit and live? Sorry human, I think it's better if you just die right here," he hisses, sharp teeth bared and eyes wild.

Oh my god I forgot about the bullet I fired at Nezumi—

That blunder is going to cost me my worthless goddamn life. I can hear shouts of my name from Nami and Usopp, and a gurgling cough from Zoro.

"Was… that 30 — seconds..?" I gasp through the choking.

Zoro sends me as much of a smirk as he can. "Yup."

All our prayers are answered in the form of Luffy hollering, "I'M BACK!" as loud as he can behind us. There's vigorous cheers from the crowd and calls of his name.

"So damn late, moron…" Zoro gargles out.

"Zoro! Ed! Switch with me!"

What?

OH FUCK!

A rubbery hand latches onto the back of my shirt and I grab onto Arlongs hand for dear life. I send panicked eyes at Zoro, who is looking at me with the same dawning horror.

"Don't you daAAREE!" we both yell as we're slingshotted into the air.

We're flying at breakneck speeds, screaming all the while. I'm flailing my arms around to try and grab onto Zoro in any way I can, but as the ocean approaches closer and closer I fear I won't be able to find him in time.

My fingers snag on wet cloth. I grip onto it and pull with all my might. Zoro's body slams into mine and I grapple my arms around him tightly. I can feel his arms come up to do the same. "THIS IS GONNA SUCK!" I scream.

"NO SHIT!" he screams back.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to manoeuvre in the air while attached to another person without the use of your arms?

I'll spare you the brainpower. It's very fucking hard. I somehow by the grace of god manage to manoeuvre us so we're plummeting head first. If this cracks my skull open for a second time I'm gonna be so pissed.

"I'LL PADDLE, JUST HANG ON TIGHT!" I shout to Zoro, though the chance he can hear me over the rush of wind is slim.

We slam into the water with all the force of one of Luffy's punches.

I immediately start swinging my arms through the stinging pain. It feels like someone's thrust a hot poker through my shoulder but I just keep paddling. With a kick of my feet we break the surface.

Zoro's arms are tight over my shoulders and his breath is ragged against my collarbones. We only missed the ledge of the gates by a scant 20 feet, so I start the painstaking swim over there.

"I've got you, I've got this…" I mumble.

For the sake of brevity I'll spare you all the details, but have you ever seen someone trying to save a drowning dog? Yeah. That. This heavy ass motherfucker is soooo lucky I'm a bomb ass swimmer.

Once we're up on the rocky ledge I twist Zoro onto his stomach as he starts hacking up water and blood. "Fuck — *hack* that guy."

"Yup. Fuck that guy," I agree through heaving breaths, my hand coming up to wipe salt water from my face.

But hey, we're alive. That's what matters.

"See," Zoro starts, blood still dripping from his lips, "you'd make a great mermaid."

I groan and roll onto my back, clutching at my burning shoulder. "Damn straight."

We just kinda lay there for a while, no sounds from either of us but wheezing breath and the occasional cough.

"That's gonna happen a lot isn't it."

"Yup."

"Fuck."

"Fuck."

The silence returns. I break it with a wheezing laugh. "I hope your money dries fine, since you owe me 4,000 berri now."

He lets out a long drawn out groan. There's loud successive crashing from the other side of the wall.

"The fuck is going on over there?" Zoro mumbles into the ground.

"Luffy's probably tearing down Arlong Park," I answer, sitting up into a criss-cross position.

"Of course he is," Zoro wheezes. I look up and spot a stray chunk of rubble divert to start flying in our direction.

"You're gonna wanna roll to your left," I announce, scooching away from Zoro.

He makes a tired and confused noise, raising his head just in time for the debris to smack him in the face. "Fuck!" he yells.

"Told you," I snort, rising to my feet and tugging on his arms. He slowly and painfully stands upright, blood still running down his stitched up chest in rivulets. "Ok let's go, you big sack of meat."

"The fuck d'you call me?"

"NAMI! YOU'RE MY FRIEND! GOT IT?!" Luffy's voice screams as we round the wall. We can see Arlong Park, now nothing but a pile of rubble, and the crowd of Cocoyashi Villagers clamouring and cheering, some tossing Luffy into the air while chanting his name.

"Aw, that's nice," I smile.

"That's enough celebrating!" comes a familiar and extremely annoying voice.

My smile evaporates.

This bitch.

Captain Nezumi, flanked by a whole squad of gun toting Marines, slowly strolls up to the crowd. He's now sporting a large bandage wrapped around his middle, and looks a little paler than when I saw him earlier.

"What a lucky day today is. It truly was an excellent battle. I can only assume your victory was some sort of bizarre miracle," as his annoying ass goes on and on, me and Zoro stalk up behind him and his little group."I, Captain Nezumi of the 16th branch, shall hereby take credit for your victory!"

"Take this , you rat bastard!" I holler, driving my foot into the small of his back. He goes toppling down with a high pitched scream, knocking his teeth off the pavement.

There's sounds of violence as Zoro unleashes some frustration on the surrounding Marines. I leer down at Nezumi, who twists his head back to look at me in unabashed horror. "Hey there! Sorry, I just had to come say hi again. You know, after you shot me last time!"

I ignore the noises of outrage around me as I wind back my leg and crack it right in between his. He makes a choked wheeze, face going even paler. "I'm understandably a little upset about it," I hiss through my teeth.

"Yo — you!" he screeches, pulling the classic sibling manoeuvre of kicking his legs up to try and keep me away.

I grin a manic and slightly deranged smile at him. "Me! Now I suggest you either walk away, or never walk again!"

He makes a whimper of fear, scrabbling back on his hands. "Ah! I'm — That is.. uH—!" He reaches behind himself and brandishes a pistol faster than I can stop, but before his crazy ass can fire it Nami comes in with a solid crack to the skull via bo staff.

"That's for shooting Nojiko!" she strikes him across the face a second time, "that's for trespassing on Bellemere's tangerine grove!" and a final thwack sends him flying with a holler of, "and that one's for shooting Ed!"

Nami stalks after him and starts lecturing him. I swipe a finger under my nose and smirk. "Ah, that felt good. Who coulda guessed the best cure for a bullet wound was violence enacted in your name?"

"I'm sorry, bullet wound?" Usopp mutters to the side.

"Mark my words you rotten pirates! Luffy is your Captain, right?! You and that evil detective will pay for this! You'll get just what you deserve!" the rat bastard wails as he frantically swims away from what was previously Arlong Park.

"What you deserve?" Sanji parrots with a raised eyebrow.

"How'd he know I deserve to be King of the Pirates?" Luffy asks, adjusting his returned straw hat on his head.

"That's not what he means dumbass," Zoro sighs.

"Are we in super big trouble or what?!" Usopp screeches.

I blink back tears. "He said I was evil! I'm so happy!"

Usopp gets uncomfortably close to my face. "What is wrong with you?!"

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Do you want me to start with the gunshot wound or list my mental illnesses?"

"Hey everyone! Now isn't the time to keep this to ourselves, we gotta tell everyone on the island what happened!" someone in the crowd yells, then the whole group starts moving out in a burst of cheers and whoops.

Luffy swings a bloody, tooth-marked arm over my uninjured shoulder. I lean into it with a sigh.

"We all really need medical attention."

—

After getting patched up (again) I'm sent outside so the doctor can focus on Zoro. I drop down beside Sanji and Usopp.

"What a day."

"No kidding."

We sit in a silence punctuated by Zoro's screams from inside.

"So, you got shot?" Usopp asks with absolutely no tact.

Sanji looks ready to throttle him but I just snort. "Yup! Well actually I jumped in front of a moving bullet voluntarily. Admittedly not my best thought out plan, but what can you do?"

Sanji leans toward me, stars in his eyes. "Oh you're so brave, dear! If only I could have taken the bullet for you!"

I smack him on the knee with a smile. "How about we all avoid getting shot again."

"Wonderful idea."

"Sounds good."

"Glad we're in agreement."

—

Look, you can read 'partied for three days straight' and think 'wow what a rager!' all you want, actually living that? Fucking exhausting . The party happens to me in flashes.

—

"I don't drink alcohol," I mutter to myself, swishing around the cup of ale or something Zoro had passed me at some point. I shrug my good shoulder, "when in Rome," and throw it back.

I'm immediately reminded why I don't drink alcohol. It tastes like shit. I try my best not to vomit all over myself. It's not very pleasant.

I shove the drink back into Zoro's hands. "Abso-fucking-lutely not."

—

"So how do you know Vice Admiral Garp?" Nojiko asks me.

I shove another slab of ham into my mouth. "Oh I've never met the man."

Her eyebrows fly into her hairline. "You were bluffing?!"

I raise a single eyebrow back. "Of course I was. I don't know anyone in the government personally besides a couple snot nosed brats."

She shakes her head in disbelief. "Well you totally had me fooled, probably that Captain too. Wonder if he'll check with his superiors before trying to get his revenge on you."

I laugh through yet another slice of ham. "I'd love to see that!"

"Ok I think you've had enough ham, the entire platter is gone!"

—

I'm having a riveting conversation with Usopp about the finer applications of hot sauce when I feel someone staring at me. I turn around and catch a glimpse of a man with scraggly brown hair pointing a camera at me. I raise an eyebrow and toss up a peace sign.

There's a small flash from the camera and the man, now nervous at being spotted, gives me a thumbs up before disappearing into the crowd.

"...Weird," I mutter to myself, turning back to Usopp and putting it out of my mind.

—

I plop down next to Sanji in an empty alley, a plate of some kind of orange pie balanced in my lap. "I want you to remember this forever," I sigh softly.

He gives me a smile and tilts his head. "Remember what? The party?"

I shake my head with a smile. "Us going to war for one of our own." The surprise in his eye is quickly replaced by indignation as I shove a forkful of pie in his mouth. "This is fucking delicious, try it."

As he's chewing through that I continue talking. "What we just did for Nami was priceless to her, but to us it was just common sense right?" He furrows his brow and nods slowly, still chewing the pie. "That's what we do. As crewmates we'll always have each other's backs." I give him a long soul piercing stare. "That goes for you too, without question. No matter who the enemy or their army, we will always go to war for one of our own. Do you understand me?"

His expression shutters off. He gulps down the rest of the pie. "I'm sure I don't—"

"Sanji," I interrupt, softly taking one of his hands. "I'm not going to ask you anything about your past or the demons that clearly still haunt you. I just want you to keep what I said in mind."

He stays silent for a beat. "Ok," he says quietly, squeezing my hand. "Ok, I understand."

I give him a bright beaming smile, smack a kiss onto his cheek, shove the rest of the pie in his mouth and scamper out of the alley.

"Love you enjoy the party bye!" I holler over my shoulder. There's loud hacking and choking noises from the alley that I ignore.

—

I get pulled into a dance by Yosaku, who really doesn't know what he's getting himself into. I use the combined prowess of four years of dance classes to turn that poor fucker on his head. I send him spinning out of my arms and he goes crashing into Johnny.

My loud laughter is interrupted by a wad of cash smacking me in the face.

"Stop laughing you hyena!" Zoro shouts.

I immediately grab him by his still outstretched arm and pull him onto the dance floor, a challenging grin plastered on my face. "Make me, Listerine!"

"WHAT EVEN IS THAT?!"

—

I see the camera guy again some time later. This time I see him snap a picture of Luffy who's waving to the camera with a big grin. "Didn't know Cocoyashi had paparazzi…" I mutter to myself, then shrug and go back to eating.

—

"Ed!" Nami laughs, crashing into me at a buffet table.

"Nami!" I cheer back, wrapping my uninjured arm around her. I take a peek at her bandaged shoulder. "New ink?" I ask, wiggling my eyebrows.

She laughs again and gives me a soft but bright smile. "Figured I deserved something permanent that I actually liked."

I soften my face and grab hers in my hands, pressing a firm kiss into her temple. "Damn right. I'm so fucking proud of you," I mumble into her skin.

Her arms tighten around me and she smooshes her face into the crook of my neck. "Don't you dare make me cry at this party," she threatens. I laugh and rest my chin on the crown of her head.

"...Ed," she mumbles. I hum. "You took a bullet for me and my sister."

I smile. "Yeah. Guess I did." There's nothing but the sound of musicians and chatter around us for a moment. "...I'd do it again in a heartbeat," I murmur, cheek pressed firmly to her skull.

"Thank you," she says, almost inaudible over the din of the party. I probably wouldn't have even known she said anything if not for the vibration of her voice on my collarbone.

"You never have to thank me for protecting you," I respond, "I'm your First Mate, and more importantly your friend. I'll spend the rest of my life standing in between you and danger if I have to." For some reason that gets a snort out of Nami. "What?"

She snorts again, shoulders shaking under my grip. "You dumbass! You're one hell of a friend, you know that?" she says between giggles. I start laughing too.

"Only the best, dearest!" I croon. Both of us start laughing louder. The people around us are starting to stare at our display. "Nami we're making a scene!" I wheeze.

She starts smacking her hands into my back. "Stop talking!" she gasps, cackles clawing out of her throat.

I smother another wheeze into her hair. "I fucking love you!"

She smacks her forehead into my collarbone. "Yeah, I love you too!" she wheezes back.

—

"Hey kid, where did you learn how to shoot?" Genzo asks me while I'm in the middle of inhaling a whole tray of raw ham melon.

"Didn't," I reply through the chewing.

He cranes his neck like he can't hear me. "What was that?"

"I never learned how to shoot. I stole this weeks ago and have just been doing whatever the hell works," I say nonchalantly.

His eye twitches. "...have you ever even cleaned it..?"

I laugh. "Nope! I only learned how to reload the thing when we met Usopp!"

I'm pulled away from the table and dragged out of the celebration by Genzo, who's blowing smoke out of his ears. "I'm going to cram all the knowledge of gun maintenance into your skull in three hours or I'll die trying!"

—

"Hey Genzo, do you guys have a Transponder Snail somewhere on the island?" I ask, securing my new gun holster to my belt.

The man in question puts down the powder horn he was showing me to scratch at his chin. "I think there might be one in the old sheriff's office… hasn't seen any use since before Arlong though. I hope the poor thing is still alive."

I nod. "You think we could make a stop there on our way back to the party?"

"Sure thing, but what do you want with it?" he asks with a curious tilt of his head.

I give him a cheeky smile. "If Nami does decide to come with us I'm sure she'd appreciate still getting to talk to you, not to mention I'll probably end up breaking my gun at some point and need instructions on how to fix it."

He shrugs. "Fair enough, let's hope the old girl is still kicking."

—

The three days straight of partying comes to a peaceful end with all of us dropping like flies. I end up passing out under a table curled up with Luffy. The last thing I hear is Usopp's unending singing finally coming to a close as he falls to the ground asleep.

—

We've finished hauling all our supplies onto the ship by the time Johnny and Yosaku call up to us.

"We can't thank you guys enough, but we have to go back to our jobs as bounty hunters!"

"We look forward to meeting you guys again in the future!"

"See you around," Zoro calls back.

I just shake my fist at them with a grin. "Don't you try to collect the bounties we'll inevitably amass!"

The pair of them strike their matching poses and in unison shout, "whatever you say, Big Bro!"

"Time for us to get going too!" Usopp declares.

"What? We have to wait for Nami!" Sanji shouts.

"Maybe she's not coming?" Zoro mutters. Sanji whips his head around to him with his teeth bared.

"Hey! That raw ham melon you were talking about wasn't anywhere!" Luffy yells.

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Really? I had some, it was delicious."

He looks at me with a face of pure betrayal. "What..?"

"SET SAIL!" Nami's voice hollers from down the road away from the boat. We all turn to see her take off in a dead sprint towards us.

"What's she doing?" Usopp question.

"She said set sail, so let's set sail," Luffy answers.

"Don't let her leave! She's planning on going without saying goodbye!" Genzo yells. I watch her bob and weave through the crowd as the boys start prepping the ship around me. I can't help bursting into unrestrained laughter.

She uses her running start to launch herself onto the moving ship in one gigantic leap. Nami makes a graceful landing and turns her back to the shore. She then lifts her shirt and a literal mountain of wallets cascade out of her shirt. She looks over her shoulder at the shrinking coast, kisses a bill and winks. "Take care everyone!"

"She hasn't changed one bit," Usopp frowns.

"I'd watch my back," Zoro mutters.

"Good job Nami!" Sanji awes.

Both me and Luffy burst into even more hysterical laughter. There's lots of yelling from the crowd as we retreat further into the water.

"Hey kid! Don't forget about our promise!" Genzo yells to Luffy, he throws out a thumbs up.

"Goodbye everyone! I'll be off now!" Nami screams, a huge smile on her face.

—

"When did we get a bed in the girls room?"

…

"Wait when the fuck did we get a goddamn bar?! NAMI!"

—

It's a few days later when we get the big news.

"Another price increase? Raise your prices again and I'll stop buying your papers!" Nami yells at a News Coo, tossing it a 100 berri coin.

"Hey now, the bird is just doing his job. Don't take it out on him," I grouse, counting through the bills I've started amassing.

Somehow, through the act of scamming Zoro and scamming Zoro alone, I've managed to attain a total of 12,000 berri. Nice.

Also, by some mindfuck of a miracle, after less than a week my gunshot wound has completely healed. Which is fucking ridiculous, but I'm not complaining.

"All the little expenses add up!" Nami throws her hands up.

"I thought you were done saving up money?" Usopp asks from his spot on the floor.

She scoffs in response. "Don't be stupid. I'm saving money for me now. I'm not gonna be a penniless pirate!"

"Ok, ok. Stay back, will ya? I'm in the middle of developing my special Tabasco Star! A face full of this will make any bad guy—" Usopp is cut off by Luffy crashing into him, splashing all of the hot sauce directly into his eyes.

As he starts screaming Luffy yells up at Sanji, who threw him, "come on! I just want one!"

"Absolutely not! This is Nami's tangerine orchard! I won't let anyone lay a single finger on it!" he shouts, then turns to Nami with a love struck expression, "Nami! Do you see how well I'm protecting your trees?!"

Nami smirks down at her paper. "Thanks a lot, Sanji!"

Luffy scrunches his nose up at them before settling back into a smile. "Fine. I'm in a good mood, so I'll let it go."

Nami flips the page of her paper and a poster floats out. We all stare at it in silence for a second.

Luffy's grinning face stares back.

"...That was fast."

Then everyone starts screaming.

Notes:

Me dropping plot like bombs and the most obtuse hints I possibly can knowing damn well some of this shit is being entirely missed and the rest is entirely too obvious.

Y'all ready for Loguetown..?

Chapter 19: Chapter Nineteen: I've Written Him A Letter To Be Sent Out To Sea

Summary:

Hold It In - Jukebox the Ghost

"Ok, if you see a tall white haired half naked guy smoking a minimum of two cigars at once tell him I think he's cool," I blurt out.

Notes:

I always thought it was pronounced LOWGUEtown but the anime pronounces it LOGtown and I feel crazy.

Also I had a horrible thought at work this week.

Ed, who has never so much as heard of the Titan submersible, seeing the Polar Tang for the first time: "Why do I hear boss music?"

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"We're wanted criminals now! It says 30 million!" Luffy laughs.

I stare long and hard at the picture. "For some reason this angle looks familiar..?" And I don't mean just because I know the poster already, something about the pose…

"Look! My picture is in here!" Usopp cries, pointing to his turned head in the picture.

"It's just the back of your head, that barely counts!" Sanji pouts.

Usopp makes a smug face. "Don't be jealous, I'm sure we'll all get them as we get more famous!"

"Once again you idiots fail to understand the gravity of our situation… You do realize this means our lives are at risk?!" Nami groans, rubbing a hand down the side of her face. "We can't afford to just relax in the East Blue."

"Alright! Let's head straight for the Grand Line!" Luffy hollers, swinging an arm around my shoulders and shaking me around.

Sanji and Usopp mirror our pose as we all start cheering, "aye aye!"

"Hey, I see land up ahead," Zoro calls from the front of the ship.

"You do..?" Nami questions, walking up for a closer look. "That island is the proof we're closing in on the Grand Line!" she announces. "That island is home of the famous Loguetown! It's also called the town of the Beginning and the End," she explains.

I cut in with a snap of my fingers. "It's also the birth and death place of the previous King of the Pirates."

"So that's the town the Pirate King died at…" Luffy mutters.

"Yup. Shall we go?" Nami smiles.

My eyes bug out. "Oh shit! We're already at Loguetown!" I jump out from under Luffy's arm and start scrambling towards the hatch.

"What's up?" Nami calls as I throw it open.

"I forgot I really have to do something before we get there!" I yell, dropping down and slamming the door behind me. I hop through the boys mess and scuttle through the emergency exit connecting the two cabins.

I rip open the bottom drawers of the armoire, which I had moved all my shit to when Nami replaced our goddamn couch with a bed without telling me, and pull out my draft of the letter for Sabo. I've got maybe half an hour to polish this thing up, better get to work.

—

After twenty minutes I have down what I think is the best I'm gonna get. It reads as follows:

Hey Sabo,

First things first, don't try to figure out who I am you little shit.

Basically, I know what happened to you. You probably wanna sit down for this one sweet cheeks, you might get a little faint. Anyways, straight to the point.

You're from Dawn Island, the Goa Kingdom specifically. You were born noble but your family sucked ass so you ran away, met this asshole kid named Ace and another kid named Luffy and some shit happened and the three of you swore brotherhood on sake. More shit happened then you got blown up by a Celestial Dragon.

That should be enough to kickstart your memory, hopefully.

Now then, I need you to get in contact with the Whitebeard pirates so you can help them get Ace's stupid ass under control. He's off to murder this guy who should totally be murdered but that idiot can't do it alone. At the very least keep in contact with him? They probably have his Transponder number, let him know you're alive.

Also attached is a Transponder number you may only call for EMERGENCIES. Like Ace is dying or caught by the Marines or Whitebeard has suddenly died of liver failure or Dragon wants to start a nuclear war. Don't ask the person on the other side of the line about this either. Matter of fact, don't tell anyone how you got back your memories.

Dragon will probably figure it out because he's cool like that, and Koala might be there when you read this… whatever. Just keep it to a minimum. And don't tell your brothers! Just say you got conked on the head on a mission or some shit. I don't care.

So have fun with that, make sure he doesn't run headfirst into death!

Bye love,

An interested party.

If nothing else it'll get him curious as to what the hell is going on, right?

With that out of the way, it's on to my next order of business. Shopping. I wanna get a bunch of shit that'll help during our first leg of travel in the Grand Line, and I want to buy that before everything goes to shit in Loguetown.

I wonder…

I go back to the drawers and withdraw my wallet.

If I can somehow scam a bank into converting my cash into berri I'll probably be set… How much do I even have in here?

I crack it open and pull out a stack of bills.

WHAT THE FUCK? WAS I WALKING AROUND WITH $700 IN CASH?!

It's like I was asking to get robbed! If someone stole this off my corpse I'll be so fucking mad. Wait, did I even have a corpse? I have all my shit so does it just exist in two places? This is making my brain hurt…

Well as horrible as that could have turned out, I'm thankful past me was kind of an idiot. Now I've just got to use my endless amounts of rizz to make a bank teller convert this shit. Good thing scamming people is apparently one of my specialties.

"Ed! We're making landfall!" Usopp yells from above me.

I curse under my breath, sticking the letter in an envelope, writing 'For Sabo' on it in the most horrific chicken scratch I've ever accidentally created, and sticking it in one of my many pockets along with my wallet.

I join my fellow seafarers up on deck and look out at the city. This place is pretty big and kinda confusing looking… sure hope I can find everything I'm looking for.

"Ok, if you see a tall white haired half naked guy smoking a minimum of two cigars at once tell him I think he's cool," I blurt out.

Everyone turns to me with varying levels of bewilderment and trepidation. "What—"

"Ok got it! I'm gonna go check out the execution platform!" Luffy interrupts, jumping down from the ship onto the dock and taking off down the road.

"Luffy, wait! We didn't pick a meeting place..!" Nami yells after him. She turns to me with an exhausted look. "What are we gonna do with him?"

"Don't know, I'm going out too! Nobody die while I'm gone!" I holler, sliding down the rope ladder with an amount of finesse I didn't know I possessed.

"Ed!" Nami screeches.

I just keep booking it into town. I slow down pretty soon, taking a second to assess my location.

"Where can I find a bank in a place like this..?" I mutter to myself, looking around the colourful town.

"Bank's over there," a bored voice says behind me. I jump a little and turn around to see a tall man in a Marine hat and pink polo shirt.

"Oh, thank you," I reply, smiling gratefully at him.

He dismissively waves a hand as he scratches at his stubble with a tattooed arm. "Don't worry about it. Enjoy Loguetown." Wow, he sounds like he hates being awake.

I spin on my heel and start trotting toward the bank he pointed out. It's pretty much empty when I roll in, so I step right up to the teller and smack my stack of foreign bills onto the counter. "Hey there, do you do currency conversions here?"

—

After ten minutes of explaining that yes Canada is a real place and yes this is legal tender and yes $10 is equal to 1,000 berri, I walk out of the bank 70,000 berri richer. With a grand total of 82,000 berri to my name I set my sights on the next item on my list.

Finding a shop for Transponder Snails proves to be relatively uncomplicated, in fact after asking a local, I get there in no time at all. A bell rings above the doorway as I step into the shop. The walls are lined with terrariums of all shapes and sizes, radio equipment I couldn't describe if you paid me to, and some interesting looking briefcases.

"Hello and welcome to the Shell Phone Shack, can I help you find anything?" a chipper voice calls from the front desk. Sat at the register, in a uniform I'm inclined to call a crime against humanity, is a teenage girl with bright neon pink hair and the closest goth makeup can look to clown paint.

"Absolutely you can, you eye burning menace," I gape as I stroll up to her table.

She gives me a wide smile that showcases her multicoloured braces. "Why thank you!"

I shake my head in disbelief and reach my hand across the counter to shake hers. "Your vibes are so fucking amazing. I'm E. D. Domino, you can call me Ed."

"Juniper!" she chirps, vigorously shaking my hand back. "So you looking for a Transponder Snail?"

I give her an easy grin. "Yes I am. This perchance something you can help me with?"

She nods her head so fast the neon pink goes flying everywhere. "Yup! What kind of rig are you looking for? Just a standard Transponder?"

I nod. "First time owner. So what would you recommend?"

Juniper spends a solid and beautiful twenty minutes explaining snail care, habitat cleaning and maintenance, and exactly how to use the Transponder. She sets me up with the whole kit and caboodle; a snail already outfitted with a Transponder and a carrying case/habitat that looks like a fancy briefcase.

All in all, the endeavour costs me 22,000 berri that I gladly hand over to the chipper girl.

"Also, while I'm here, You know where I can pick up a Log Pose around here?"

Her facebrightens. "Totally! You can find pretty basic ones at most general stores, but if you're looking for something more complicated or well calibrated I'd recommend finding a specialist."

I shake my head. "General store sounds perfect, thank you very much."

"No problem at all! Enjoy your stay in Loguetown, have a nice day!"

—

I walk into the first general store I see. I throw open the door and announce, "how much bug spray do you carry?" I'm met with bewildered looks from the few people milling about the aisles, and a tired sigh from the man behind the counter.

He points down an aisle and I happily trot along. After gathering five cans of that shit (you can never be too careful) and a Log Pose conveniently nearby on a shelf, I saunter up to the cashier who gives me the most dead expression I've ever seen on a man.

I'm looking over the display of sweets as he rings me up. "Do you guys carry dark chocolate?" I ask. He shakes his head, expression not budging an inch. I make a face, then toss a milk chocolate bar onto my pile anyways.

"Your total today will be 5,200 berri."

—

With all my shit stashed in my pockets and maybe an hour until I've got to find my idiots, I take to wandering the streets like a seventh grader cutting class.

This place is confusing as hell and almost all the buildings look the same, so I get lost pretty damn quick. "Where the hell am I?" I mutter under my breath, swinging a left into an alley.

"Look, you just do what I say and we won't have a problem, aight?" a voice with a thick brooklyn accent demands. I look down another alley and spot a familiar guy in a Marine hat and pink polo shirt.

He's staring at someone hidden in the shadows with an entirely bored look on his face. "Look man, I don't want any trouble."

The other voice laughs. "And neither do I! Like I said—"

"Duck," I announce.

The Marine guy I met earlier spins to me wide eyed, squatting into a crouch as I swing my newly acquired snail case at the fucker threatening him. The other guy makes a "dooughf!" as the case connects solidly with his head.

"Wow," I marvel, "this shit really is battle grade! Not a single scratch on it!" Then I look down at the guy I just clobbered. I'm met with a tall head of green hair and a face full of fangs staring at me bewildered.

Wait a fucking minute—

"Bartolomeo?!" I gape. Oh my god, did I just accidentally derail Dressrosa LITERAL YEARS IN ADVANCE?! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD—

"Who the hell are you?" he grumbles, rubbing the goose egg on his forehead.

"Uuuuuh…" How the fuck do I handle this? "E. D. Domino. Ed. Uh — I'm a detective."

His eyes narrow. "A detective, eh? You investigate'n me? Hah, you hack?!" Great, and now he's getting mean. Fuck this.

"Alright, nope. I can't do this. Go to the plaza and do some soul searching, dude. And stop attacking people who ain't done shit to you! Weirdo," I huff, turning around and stalking out of the alley, grabbing the Marine guy on my way out.

"Oh! And don't… uh — eat people!" I throw over my shoulder. From the glimpse I catch he looks very confused. Good.

I walk a whole two streets down before I realize I'm still dragging this rando with me. He honestly looks pretty content to just be pulled along.

"Hey, you good?" I ask.

He just kinda shrugs. "Eh. I've had worse, I'll have worse."

I squint at him. "...Right. Anyways, thanks for the directions earlier."

He nods. "Yeah. Thanks for… whatever that was."

I give him a wry smile. "Anywho, you a Marine then?"

He tugs at his collar. "Yeah. Intel and Bounty division."

Bounty division..? Oh that gives me a wonderful idea.

"Say, seeing as I just totally saved your life, would you be willing to do me a solid?" I ask with an innocent smile.

He gives me a long stare, then shrugs. "Fuck it. My life has been super boring recently, sure. What do you need?"

I let out a low chuckle. "Nothing too bad, but how would you feel about periodically sending me bounty posters, when I ask for them?" This is a great idea. I'm so fucking smart. Having a Marine buddy who can get me visuals for my crew is going to be super handy.

He raises an eyebrow at me. "I mean, sure? Did you want my Snail number or..?"

My eyes widen. "Oh! That reminds me!" I hastily walk up to the nearest wall and take out my letter, flipping it open and scribbling out my new Transponder number on the back.

There, now that is complete and all I have to worry about is handing it off to Dragon. No problem. Probably.

"Yeah, I'll take your number!" I say, turning with a grin.

The guy, who I just realize I still don't know the name of, is just staring at me with a puzzled expression. "...Ok," he hands me a creased blank business card with a number scrawled on the back. "I'm Jonah, by the way," he says, rubbing a hand down his tattooed arm.

And they're pretty damn cool tattoos. He has what looks like a squid or something on his left and a bunch of jellyfish on his right, both surrounded by seaweed and creeping out from under his polo and ending around mid forearm.

"E. D. Domino, please call me Ed. I feel like this is the start of a beautiful friendship," I say pleasantly.

"...Right. I've got to get back to the office, so uh — call me if you need a poster?" he says with a raised eyebrow.

I flash him a smile and a finger gun, taking off down the street. "Yup! Bye now!"

—

With my eyes on the horizon looking for the supposed storm that's coming and all my shit dealt with, I start to make my way to the plaza. I'm so busy staring at the sky I don't notice where I'm going until I bump into someone.

"Oh, sorry—"

"My bad—"

I look up at the same time the other person does. We both make matching expressions. "Nevermind."

"Walk much?" Zoro smirks down at me. I kick him in the ankle.

"Ah," Nami's voice says from over Zoro's shoulder. She's just come from around the corner with a huge bag of something over her shoulder. Just past her I can see Usopp, carrying a giant fish, with Sanji helping just behind him.

"Hey," Usopp calls.

"Nami! Ed! I missed you!" Sanji fawns.

"What the hell have you guys been up to?" Nami questions, looking around at each of us and our new loot.

"Doesn't matter," Zoro says, looking around like he's searching for something, "have you guys seen the Captain?" There's head shaking and disagreement from all of us. "He was going to the execution platform, right? Isn't that right here in the plaza?"

That's when I spot the man we're looking for. High up on the execution platform, surrounded by familiar looking pirates, Luffy sits strapped into the stockade like we're at fucking Medieval Times.

"Found him," I sigh.

"Where?" Usopp asks, head on a swivel.

"Where do you think? About to get murdered," I scoff, pointing up at the platform.

"WHY THE HELL IS HE ON THE EXECUTION STAND?!" they all scream in unison.

"It's Luffy, why are you surprised? The hell else was he supposed to do here?" I shake my head at them, "it's the place the Pirate King got executed, what are you gonna do? Not get executed too?"

Nami makes a strangled sound and snatches my case out of my hands. "Fine! You three idiots go get him and me and Usopp will get the ship ready. We have to leave now!"

Zoro blinks at her, taken aback. "What? Why?"

Nami holds up a barometer that I guess she just carries around. "The barometric pressure is dropping like crazy. There's a storm coming, and a damn big one," she snaps it closed and turns on a dime, taking off down the road. "Make it quick!"

"Damnit! Let's go!" Zoro yells, grabbing me by the wrist and running toward the plaza with Sanji right behind us. We can hear Buggy hollering and hooting from atop the platform, and all the other pirates at the bottom are clamouring and cheering.

"I'M THE MAN WHO'LL BECOME THE KING OF THE PIRATES!" Luffy screams from on high. The crowd explodes into shock, but we keep running further in.

"WAIT!" Zoro yells, people scramble back from the three of us.

"Sanji! Zoro! Ed!" Luffy shouts down at us, "help me out here!"

"You idiot! All that fooling around is catching up with you!" Zoro grouses.

"There's a limit to how much crap you can get in," Sanji adds.

I shake my fist up at him. "Dumbass! You can't get executed before you become King! You're doing it backwards!"

"You're too late! Just stay back and watch your Captain get executed!" Buggy laughs, raising his sabre over his head.

"Take down the platform!" Zoro orders, the three of us dashing forward.

What the fuck am I doing? Why am I not just staying back and waiting for Dragon?

I pull my pistol out of my holster and fire a couple shots into the pirates blocking our path. "Damnit!" Sanji curses beside me, kicking some guy so hard he goes flying. Zoro jumps ahead of us to cut a swathe through the crowd.

Right. Because I'm a fucking idiot.

"Zoro! Sanji! Nami! Usopp! Ed!" Luffy calls down to us. We pause to look up at him. He smiles a big eye creasing smile. "Sorry, looks like I'm dead."

The boys both make panicked sounds, but I keep my eyes on my Captain.

I… I didn't like that.

Buggy's sword comes down in a neat arc.

I didn't like that at all.

There's a crackle, and the world lights up bright white as the stand is struck by lightning.

I don't want him to die.

Notes:

One more chapter before we're out of the East Blue!

So much important shit in this chapter...

Also dude I forgot how much I love fireworks there was a display in a park for Canada day and one of my friends got hit with a chunk of it. For the second time in their life. I'm starting to think this is a them problem...

Also art of Jonah!

Chapter 20: Chapter Twenty: All For Freedom And For Pleasure

Summary:

Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears

The platform is set alight. It slowly crashes and burns, collapsing into the plaza as it starts pouring. Luffy's straw hat drifts down right into his outstretched hand.

Notes:

This song is such a Strawhat theme. It's such a One Piece song in general. You cannot argue with this.

Anyways I burned myself at work again lmao. You can really see where I draw inspiration for Ed's clumsiness.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The platform is set alight. It slowly crashes and burns, collapsing into the plaza as it starts pouring. Luffy's straw hat drifts down right into his outstretched hand.

"Hahaha! I'm still alive!" he laughs, placing the hat back on his slightly charred but otherwise unharmed head.

There's complete silence from the crowd as he saunters forward.

"Do you believe in god?" Sanji mutters beside me.

"Only the one walking towards us," I mutter back.

"Stop talking nonsense, we gotta leave this town," Zoro snaps, sheathing his swords.

I smack Luffy on the head when he makes his way up to us. "Hey! What was that for?" he grumbles.

I glare at him. "Luf, Luffy, loofa, love of my life, what in the nine hells made you think that was a good idea?!" I yell.

He shrugs. I glare harder. Zoro smacks both of us on the head. "Save it for later! There's still trouble!" he barks.

Trouble appears with a roar as a literal horde of Marines swarms the plaza like termites.

"They're here!" Sanji huffs as we all turn and start booking it towards an exit.

"Time to go!" Zoro shouts, grabbing Luffy by the collar when he turns to awe at the fighting.

The streets are slick with rain, and even the rhythmic slapping of Luffy's sandals and our heaving breath don't cover the sound of our pursuers.

I hate to say it, but I'm falling a little behind. I'm just not a fucking runner, alright?

A hand grabs my shoulder and I turn, smacking my arm out to pistol whip the fucker. "Hands off!" I yell, minutely picking up my pace to rejoin the boys. "Fucking shit! I was not made for this crap!"

"I'll carry you, Ed!" Sanji cries, arms outstretched.

Zoro just glares over his shoulder at me. "Hurry the fuck up!" he barks. I wordlessly yell at the both of them, pumping my legs as hard as I can.

An obstacle appears in the middle of our path. "Roronoa Zoro!" shouts Sergeant Major Tashigi, rain soaked and pissed, "you were a pirate the whole time! You lied to me!"

Sanji turns to him with a glare, "what did you do to that lady?!" He's ignored.

"You never asked me my name or profession!" Zoro shouts back, looking very put off, but drawing his sword regardless.

"I'll collect that sword, the Wado Ichimonji!" Tagishi proclaims, taking a swing with her Shigure.

Zoro meets the strike head on with a smirk. "Just try it." He doesn't even bother looking at us as we race past. "Go on ahead."

"Ok," Luffy says.

"Make it quick!" I call back.

"That brute dares to harm a lady?!" Sanji grumbles, Luffy and I have to drag him by the collar to keep him on track.

We continue slightly less impeded, a good portion of our perusers getting bottlenecked by the fight behind us. I slip a little, but am quickly caught by Sanji who looks back at me with concern. "I seriously will carry you!"

I shake my head. "My legs might be shit, but I'm gonna use 'em!"

The three of us have almost made it to the end of the street when, from the mist and rain, appears a tall man stood in front of some kind of motor bike.

"There's another one?" Sanji groans.

"But we're almost at the harbour!" Luffy whines.

I look the man up and down, then very pointedly focus my eyes on his face. Because goddamn man, his chest is on full fucking display. Is it some kind of distraction tactic to walk around half naked? Because it's working.

"So you've come, Strawhat Luffy," he grunts in a voice becoming of a man strapped with as many cigars as he is.

"You?!" Luffy shouts, not slowing for a second.

"The name's Smoker, Marine Captain. Like I said earlier, you can't make it to the Grand Line without going through me," he states.

"I forgot about that! Hey Ed, this is the guy you thought was cool right?" Luffy announces.

I shoot him a glare, slicking my soaked hair back. "Not the fucking time, Luf!"

"This that detective you mentioned then?" Smoker rumbles, shaking an arm out into white clouds.

Luffy laughs, "Yup!" We skid to a stop as he disappears into a huge cloud of smoke.

"Oh, that's interesting," Sanji deadpans.

Luffy cracks his knuckles and shakes some of the water off his feet. "Hey, you two go on ahead!"

Sanji doesn't even hesitate, just yells, "you got it!" and sprints right past the rapidly growing cloud of smoke.

I don't let Luffy stop. I grab him by the arm and keep hauling ass. "He's a Logia, no the fuck you don't!" I holler.

"Wha — Ed! Lemme fight him!" Luffy whines.

"No!" I snap.

He gets his fucking wish as big white fist coalesces out of the smoke and smacks the pair of us square in the face. We both go sliding across the wet street.

Luffy catches me by the arm and digs his feet into the stone. He continues stretching past where his feet are planted, then slingshots the both of us back toward Smoker who's upper body has reformed.

"Get ready Ed!" Luffy yells into my ear.

"What?!" I yell back.

Then I'm swung like a fucking battering ram into Smoker, screaming like a banshee. I go right through him of course, but not without catching a mouthful of smoke that I immediately start coughing up.

I swing a full circle back into Luffy. "What the fuck was that?!" I scream in his face, overcompensating my balance through the dizziness.

Luffy just gives me a helpless shrug. "Combo move? It felt like a good idea!"

"It was not a good idea! We can't fight this guy!" I screech, hooking an arm around his waist and starting to run in the direction of the docks again.

"You really can't," Smokers voice rings from somewhere to my right. My vision is obscured by white and I curse. Thick clouds of smoke surround us and slam us into the stonework. I grunt as it presses its weight into us. "Ah, I see. E. D. Domino, right?" Smoker rasps, solidifying above us.

He reaches a hand out and slams Luffy's head into the ground, a boot clad foot coming up to press my back down as well. "How'd you know my name—" I mutter into the asphalt.

"Looks like your luck's come to an end," he states, free hand going back to grab his jutte.

"Or perhaps not..?" a new voice announces.

Oh thank fuck.

"You're..!" Smoker blanches, staring at Dragon in vague horror.

"What?! Who's there?!" Luffy muffles into the ground. I crane my neck back to catch a glimpse of the man, cheek pressed into the grit.

"The entire government wants your head," Smoker mutters, muscles tensing under his open jacket. I stare back at the leader of the Revolutionary army, face half shadowed and green cape billowing around him.

"The world still awaits our answer," Dragon murmurs, staring down at the pile of us with a smirk.

Then the fucking gust starts.

"WAIT!" I scream, flailing an arm around to reach into my pocket. I yank out the letter and thrust it at him as we're picked up by the hurricane level winds. His hand reaches out and plucks it from my own.

He gives me a nod, a smirk of what might be amusement, and a small toast with the letter before it's disappearing into the folds of his cloak.

"LOVE YOUR CAUSE FUCK THE SYSTEM BYE!" I shout over the storm, then we're hurtling through the air at disorienting speeds. I'm tossed to and fro, completely losing sight of Luffy in the madness.

The maelstrom abruptly cuts out, dropping me in a dizzy heap on the ground, half buried under some random roof shingles. "What just happened?" Luffy groans from my left. I wheeze into the ground.

"What the hell are you guys doing?! Move your asses!" Zoro's voice demands, then a hand is roughly grabbing onto my collar and hauling me to my feet.

"Do you want to get stuck on this island?!" Sanji yells, coming up beside us. "The ship was already swept out into harbour! We gotta get out there!" he shouts, pointing to the shrinking silhouette of the Going Merry. We all give matching nods of determination, running to find a rowboat or some shit to get us out there.

"Alright!" Luffy yells, running in the opposite direction of us. He latches onto a railing and starts stretching.

"Is he..?" Sanji gapes.

"I'm not gonna like this…" Zoro says with horror.

I start vigorously shaking my head. "Don't you fuCKING DARE—"

He fucking dares.

He launches himself at us while laughing like a maniac. We go soaring over tumultuous water in a tangled ball, somehow managing to cross the entire distance to the ship. We slam into the sail and slide down into an undignified heap on the ground. We also somehow manage to land directly on top of Usopp, everyone sounding matching groans.

I smack my head into Luffy. "I'm never flying air mail again!"

"You all made it!" Nami cheers, coming over to help us up.

"The ship feels like it'll flip right over!" Luffy says with a laugh. We can barely see the roiling seas in front of us, the only thing keeping us oriented being the rotating glow of a lighthouse.

"That's the Light of Guidance, it's a marker for the entrance to the Grand Line!" Nami explains, orange hair plastered to her face from the rain. She turns to look at Luffy with a wide smile. "So what shall we do?"

"Do we have to go there during a fucking hurricane!?" Usopp wails, holding onto the mast for dear life.

I bark out a mirth filled laugh. "Entering on the tailwind of a monsoon, it's fitting for the absolute shitstrom we'll be bringing with us!"

"Then this calls for a celebration!" Sanji announces, dragging a barrel into the middle of the deck.

I can't believe it…

Sanji kicks his heel up onto the barrel. "To find the All Blue!"

Luffy follows right after. "To become King of the Pirates!"

Zoro is next. "To be the world's greatest swordsman!"

Then Nami. "To draw a map of the world!"

Usopp puts up his shaking heel as well. "T — To be a Brave Warrior of the Sea!"

I can't believe I get to be a part of this.

I smack down my foot. "To solve the world's greatest mystery!"

"OFF TO THE GRAND LINE!" Luffy shouts over the thrum of the storm. We lift our heels and crack them down on the barrel, shattering it into pieces.

Off we go indeed.

—

We all retreat into the bowels of the Merry to either towel off or change. Nami had just thrown on a raincoat so she could get back outside and keep track of our course, so it's only me in our shared room.

There's a muffled bang from next door. Then Luffy, in nothing but his shorts with hat in hand, is being tossed through the emergency exit with Zoro's voice following behind him, "go bug Ed then!" then the hatch is slammed again.

I stare down at Luffy while I pull on my shirt, "...do I want to ask?"

He giggles then scampers over and starts shaking his head, his hair spraying water at me. I sputter and shove my towel in his face.

I manage to bully him into a sitting position on the floor and drag the chair over. I start towel drying his hair and frown down at the fluffy thing.

"...Luffy," I call. He hums, leaning his head further into my hands. "Up on the execution platform. Were you — that is…" I trail off, hands slowing. He tilts his head back further, towel slipping into my lap and his head following. He stares up at me with dark eyes. I struggle not to crack under the pressure of meeting them. "If the lightning hadn't… or — or it had been a second later — would you have just…" His eyes widen while I stutter on.

'Left me' is left unsaid.

I bite my lip hard enough I taste blood.

Goddamnit. Goddamnit goddamnit — I knew he was going to be fine! He was going to be fine, he is fine and he will continue to be fine—

But…

I hunch down and press my forehead to his. "Don't… don't ever say something that fucking stupid again. Don't you ever dare just accept you're going to—" I cut myself off before I can start crying, eyelids crushed together to the point I see stars. "You're not allowed to die without putting up a fight," I whisper.

Thin fingers thread through my hair. "I'm sorry I made you worry," he says softly. Not a whisper, never my Captain, but quiet enough it's almost the same.

"You better be," I murmur back.

There's a soft click that has me looking up. Luffy's shirt and flip flops are sitting on the floor at the base of the emergency exit and I have to push down the embarrassment of someone else seeing me vulnerable like this.

Luffy's hand on my face pulls me back into focus. "I'm going to be King of the Pirates," he states.

I huff a weak laugh. "I know—"

He cuts me off. "I'm going to be King of the Pirates, which means I'm not going to die before that happens. You don't have to worry about that."

I press his hand further into my face with my own, a sigh ghosting out my lips and over his face. "I know. That doesn't make it less scary. You make it very hard not to worry, Monkey D. Luffy."

He beams up at me. "That means you care!" he sings.

I laugh, pulling the towel over his face. "Whatever you say, Captain. Now get dressed, we gotta join the others in the galley."

He jumps out of my lap with a whoop.

—

After finishing getting ready, me and Luffy head out. I'm finally getting an opportunity to use the jacket Kaya gave me, and I note with great pride it's absolutely covered in pockets.

We're sat in the kitchen when Nami slams down a map in front of us. "The entrance to the grandline is a mountain," she declares.

The boys give her various looks of disbelief and confusion. " Mountain?"

"My first thought exactly. But look! The light of guidance was pointing right at Reverse Mountain, here on the Red Line," she points out on her map.

"Does that mean we have to crash through the mountain?" asks Zoro.

She shakes her head and points to a line on the map. "No, there's a waterway right here."

Usopp makes a noise. "How the hell does that work? A tunnel? Or are we actually going to sail up a mountain?!"

"Any input, First Mate?" Zoro speaks up, shooting me a raised eyebrow. "You're supposed to be some kind of expert on the Grand Line, right?"

I roll my eyes. "I'm not an expert, I just know a lot."

He raises his eyebrow further, "So do you know or not?"

I cross my arms. "Yup. We're going up the mountain."

Usopp's jaw drops. "How?!"

I shrug. "Physics? Converging polarities? Magnetism? I don't know. But that waterway goes up, and we're going with it."

Zoro curses. "Why can't we just go directly south? Avoid that whole mess?"

Luffy stands up, indignant. "No we can't!"

Nami and I nod along. "Yeah, and there's a reason for that," she says.

"It's much cooler to go in using the real entrance!" Luffy declares.

Nami bonks him on the head. "That's not why!"

I glance out the window and do a double take. It's completely clear out there, all evidence of the storm gone. "Not to alarm anyone," I start, standing up slowly, "but I think we just entered the Calm Belt."

Nami's head shoots up. She takes a single look out the window and curses, "oh shit!" then she's running past me out the door, looking around frantically.

"Clam belt?" Usopp questions.

"Whassat?" Luffy asks, following Nami out onto the deck.

"Shut up and grab the oars! We've gotta get the hell out of here!" she screeches. I scramble out the door after her, scanning the water's surface for any hint of a ripple. It's disturbingly still.

"Chill out, what do you have against clams?" Luffy complains.

"Calm, not clam! The Grand Line is sandwiched by two ocean belts. The Calm Belt is a strip of the ocean where nothing moves, like no wind or currents! It's a total dead zone!" Nami explains.

Then the ship starts quaking.

"More than that," I whisper, shifting to compensate for the shaking, "it's also a nest of Sea Kings."

Then the horrors start to arrive.

One after the other the titanic creatures rise from the depths of the water to tower above us. Then one unlucky bastard rises up right under our boat, the sheer size of it dwarfing our ship as we balance on its snout.

Nami slides to her knees where she's hugging the mast. "We're dead…"

Choked noises escape all the boys as their jaws drop, Usopp literally starts foaming at the mouth. "Nobody fucking move," I whisper under my breath.

The creature we're sitting on top of suddenly sniffles, then lets out a fucking earthshattering sneeze that blows us directly into the air. We all start screaming bloody murder, grabbing onto anything we can.

"A GIANT FROG IS JUMPING THIS WAY!" Zoro squawks.

I'm semi tangled in the rigging when Usopp flies past me, my hand reaches out to snag his overalls but I'm just an inch too short. "USOPP FUCKING FELL!" I shriek.

Luffy's hand shoots out to snatch him right from the mouth of the frog. The ship goes sailing through the air, the rain suddenly reappearing halfway through our descent, and then we're splashing back down into swirling seas.

"Oh yay… We're back in the storm now…" Luffy says breathlessly.

"See why we have to use the entrance?" Nami mumbles into the deck.

"Yeah. I get it," Zoro mutters through his arms.

"Hey guys?" I groan, receiving groans of question in response, "can someone please get me down from here?" Because I am very much still tied up in the rigging, and I'm slowly losing feeling in my feet.

Nami starts explaining how she thinks Reverse Mountain works in the background while Zoro comes over to help me. "How did you even manage this?" he grunts while trying to untwist the ropes.

"Fuck if I know, I was more focused on not dying," I respond drily. Something comes loose and I crash down on top of Zoro, taking us both onto the deck with matching "oof!" sounds.

Guess this answers one question I had though.

I've been wondering if the version of One Piece I had dropped into was manga or anime adjacent, the fact that we just went through the Calm Belt with no sign of Apis should confirm that this is set in the manga.

Then again, there have been a few instances of anime content so far… maybe it's a mix of both?

Fuck if I know.

"So basically it's a mystery mountain, right?" Luffy declares.

"No…" Nami sighs.

"Call me a skeptic, but ships don't climb up mountains," Zoro states, dusting himself off and wiping water from his face.

I tsk, standing up beside him. "Poor, naive Zoro. You have no idea what ships can or cannot do."

He gives me the stink eye, which I ignore in favour of pulling the hood of my jacket up.

"I've heard a bit about it," Sanji mentions.

"The mountain?"

He shakes his head. "Nope, the Grand Line. Supposedly half of the people die just trying to get in. Entering it won't be easy."

I snort. "Wouldn't be fun if it was easy."

"I can see the mystery mountain!" Luffy suddenly shouts, running up to the railing.

"It's fucking huge!" Usopp screeches. And indeed, the Red Line rises before us, taller than the clouds and imposing as hell.

"Get a good grip of the rudder so we don't get dragged down!" Luffy orders. Both Sanji and Usopp run inside to get on that. I run to the stern so I can see where the fuck we're going.

"There it is! Amazing!" Nami awes, pointing to a spot in the cliff face.

There, like a crack through the gates to hell, is our waterway. Several rows of water gates mark the entrance, and we're currently extremely off route to clear them. I squint through the water pouring down my face "I can't see shit!"

A pair of binoculars are thrust at me by Zoro and I take them gladly. "Hard to starboard!" I holler.

"Got it!" the boys call back. There's an ominous snapping sound behind me but I'm focused on how far we turned. "Too much, turn back to port!"

"Uh, slight problem with that!" Usopp yells.

Zoro makes a squawk beside me. "THEY SNAPPED THE RUDDER!"

"WHAT?!"

"WE'RE GONNA CRASH!"

Luffy throws himself off the boat, hat flying off in the process. Zoro grabs the hat while Luffy blows up like a balloon and interposes himself between the ship and the first gate. We bounce off of him and back on course for the current.

"Luffy you numbskull! Grab the fuck on!" I scream, half throwing myself over the rail. He whips his arm back in my direction and grabs my hand in his, the force of his pull sending me careening over the edge.

Someone anchors their arms around my waist and I haul our Captain in. We land in a heap on the ground laughing our asses off.

"We made it!" Sanji and Usopp cheer.

"Goddamn…" Zoro chuckles, getting to his feet and pulling me and Luffy up.

The rain clears as we all make our way to the front of the ship. Nami rips off her raincoat with a laugh. "Now it's just a straight shot to the summit!"

We rocket up the current, through a layer of clouds and up over the top of the mountain.

My hood flies back. The water on my eyelashes freezes into frost because of our high altitude, and I blink it off to stare at the world from above. Though most of it is obscured by the clouds, it's still fucking incredible.

The whole universe pauses. My breath catches in my throat.

We made it.

The water spray crystallizes as it hits the air, and then we're racing down the decline of the mountain. The high speed air whistles through my ears and we dash through the cloud cover. A low sound, almost like a foghorn, bellows around us.

"Hey guys, prepare for an abrupt stop," I announce.

"Why?" Usopp turns to ask. We break through the cloud layer and can suddenly see the huge shape blocking our way.

"Because there's a gigantic fucking whale at the bottom!" I scream.

Notes:

And we are out of the East Blue! Next up: the Alabasta Saga! Or as I like to call it, the Ed Has Lots of Consecutive Bad Times and Goes on a Journey of Self Discovery Saga.

Chapter 21: Chapter Twenty One: A Testament To My Unshaken Faith

Summary:

Windowville - Clem Turner

I stare at Merry's head in horror. "Uh oh."

Notes:

Guess who edited and rearranged the entire goddamn fic in the span of a single day. It was me.

New and improved SSSBMTY this time with more paragraph breaks and split dialogue! All the posted chapters have been updated and edited as well, you don't have to go back and read them I promise all the content is the same just formatted better.

(Can't imagine that happening twice. Future message brought to you from the future, circa the Big Edit™)

This was brought on by a (fair) criticism but just as a PSA, don't give people unsolicited writing advice. It's fucking rude. I took the advice because I can see how the way I formatted my paragraphs was confusing, but if someone has clearly stated their work is self indulgent and not here for criticism, they do not want criticism.

Anyway Alabasta time babey!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"What do we do?!" Usopp wails.

"Do we fight it?!" Luffy asks, frantically looking around at each of us.

Nami's face is horrified and incredulous. "We can't fight that thing! Are you crazy?!"

"But our path is blocked! What the hell do we do?" Usopp cries.

"It's like a fucking wall this close! Where the hell are its eyes?!" Sanji yells from up in the rigging.

Nami's frantic eyes light up. "That's right! Maybe the whale hasn't noticed us yet!"

Zoro's scabbards smack me in the side as he spins on a dime. "We're gonna crash if we stay on course! Go hard to port, there's an opening!"

"Wonderful idea, except the fucking rudder is still broken!" Usopp screeches.

Zoro and Usopp both run into the ship, Sanji following close behind. I can hear them yelling and grunting from the front of the ship with Nami. "I've got an idea!" Luffy shouts, running into the ship as well.

We're closing in closer and closer, I can almost make out the details of Laboon's hide. "Luffy having an idea..?" I mutter. Then my eyes widen. "WAIT LUFFY—"

The cannon fires.

I tackle Nami to the ground as Merry's poor poor figurehead smashes backward and almost kills us both. "I almost died just now…" Nami mutters in terror beside me.

I stare at Merry's head in horror. "Uh oh."

"MY SPECIAL SEAT!" Luffy shrieks from the door. Labbon lets out another low bellow and we all freeze.

"Now's our chance, lets get the fuck out of here!" Zoro yells, pulling out the oars and throwing one at Usopp and Sanji.

"The cannonball did nothing?!" Usopp yelps.

Laboon continues to make his low sounds, bone rattling and painful. "My ears!" Sanji grits out, still rowing as fast as he can.

"Who cares? Just keep rowing!" Usopp sobs.

I've just helped Nami to her feet when Luffy steps up behind us. "How dare… you destroy…"

I frantically throw myself at him. "NO NO NO—"

"MY SPECIAL SEAT!" he hollers, arm sneaking past me and nailing Laboon right in his humongous eye.

"YOU IDIOT!" we all scream at once. Laboons massive fucking pupil darts down to look at our tiny caravel.

"...Fuck," I whimper.

"COME AT ME, YOU BASTARD!" Luffy yells, shaking his fist up at Laboon.

I grab him by his shirt and start shaking him, tears running down my face. "You fucking moron! You no brain-celled buffoon!"

"What they said!" the boys yell from behind us.

Then Laboon opens his gargantuan mouth. Water rushes in through the gaps of his teeth, taking us with it. We all start screaming of course. I lose my grip on Luffy' shirt and he goes flying off the ship.

"FUCK!"

—

I'll leave what a trip through a whale's mouth into his engineered stomach is like up to your imagination. Know only that it is… disturbing.

We find ourselves outside. Or at least, it looks like outside. "So… what do you think?" Nami asks.

"I don't know what to think of this," Zoro retorts.

"Uh, is this real?" Sanji questions.

Usopp just makes weird noises. "Is this a dream?" he chokes out.

"Yeah. It's probably a dream," Zoro responds.

"Then what's with the house?" Nami asks.

"Illusions," Zoro says, a bead of sweat rolling down his temple.

"I have several questions," I state.

And I do. We are in a small sea of stomach fluid, the whales stomach walls are painted to look like a sky, and there's a tiny island with a house on it infront of us. Like I said, several questions.

Even more questions when a giant fuck off squid bursts out of the sea of fluid and immediately gets speared through by multiple harpoons. As it collapses into the water it reveals an open door and three ropes connected to the harpoons embedded in the squid.

"Guess someone's home," Zoro muses, crouched with his hands on the hilts of his swords.

"Let's just hope it's a person," Sanji replies, one leg already raised.

"I'm sure it's fine and it'll be a totally reasonable and nice guy," I state.

They both give me doubtful looks. "4,000 berri." I announce, staring right at Zoro. He squints at me. "And I bet he looks like something stupid. Like a plant," I add.

He grabs my hand and shakes it so fast it almost strains my wrist. "Your timing couldn't be better. I owe Nami a huge debt, and you're gonna be helping repay it for me," he smirks.

Poor dumb Zoro.

"I wanna go home…" Nami cries from the ground.

"Where the hell is Luffy..?" Usopp whimpers. I can't help but agree. Being separated from him, even if it is my own fault for losing my grip, so soon after the execution fiasco feels… bad.

When the hell did I get so damn codependent?

Then the harpoons start to drag the big squid in, and a figure appears in the doorway.

"Open fire! We should just open fire!" Usopp wails.

"Wait, someone's coming out…" Sanji starts. Then Crocus steps out.

Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again, the character design in this place is A) hilarious, and B) horrifying to behold in person.

"It's a flower!" Sanji gapes. Then he squints. "Wait. No, that's a person."

"No," Zoro says in a horror filled tone.

"Yes," I hiss, a smile stretched over my teeth.

"How did you do that?" he demands in a whisper.

"You'll never know," I whisper back, still grinning like the devil.

"He killed that thing in one blow…" Nami wheezes.

"Was he trying to save us, or just fishing?" Sanji mumbles. Him and Crocus make some very intense eye contact as he strolls over to his lawn chair. Then he sits his ass down and opens the newspaper. "Say something!" Sanji shouts. Crocus does not.

"I — If you wanna fight, we'll fight, you bastard!" Usopp sputters out, pointing a dramatic finger at him.

Crocus's stare intensifies. "Better not, or someone will die…" he states.

Both Nami and Usopp throw themselves at each other, sweat pouring off their bodies.

"Oh? And who would that be?" Sanji asks, pale and voice shaking.

"Me," Crocus deadpans.

I can't help it. I burst out laughing. Nami and Usopp shoot me harsh death glares, but it only makes me laugh harder.

Zoro puts a hand on Sanji's shoulder. "Chill out. There's a couple things we need to know, where are we, and who are you?"

Crocus continues to stare them down. "It's common courtesy to introduce yourself to others before asking questions, you know?"

Zoro blinks. "Right. Sorry. I'm—"

"My name is Crocus, the lightkeeper of the Twin Capes. I'm 71 years old, a gemini and blood type AB." I literally collapse to my knees with how much I'm wheezing.

"NOBODY MINDS IF I KILL HIM, RIGHT?" Zoro squawks.

Sanji pats his shoulder. "Calm down."

"NO!" I gasp into the floor through the laughter. "Don't kill him! Please! He's too funny to die!"

"You wanna know where we are? First you trespass in my private resort, then you start mouthing off and laughing at me? Besides, I think it's pretty obvious seeing as you were eaten!" Crocus huffs, flipping the page of his newspaper.

He glances at the paper then back at us, then back at the paper and back again.

"So we actually got swallowed by a whale…" Usopp says, disgruntled.

Nami clutches at her hair. "What do we do?! I don't wanna be digested!"

Crocus once again focuses his intense stare at us. "Would you cut that out?!" everyone around me shouts as I double over further, almost hacking up my lungs with how little breath I have to laugh.

"Haven't you guys heard of a repeating gag?" Crocus grumbles.

"THAT WAS A GAG?!" everyone screams. Tears are falling down my face and I cannot breathe. I love this guy.

"If you're looking for an exit, it's right over there," he says, pointing to the very large and obvious gate we somehow managed to miss.

"We can get out?! Why is there an exit in a whale's stomach?" Nami groans, then raises an eyebrow. "And how is it floating in the sky?"

"It's painted! A mural on the whale's stomach!" Usopp exclaims.

"That's just my way of having a good time," Crocus intones. Usopp almost lunges off the ship, if not for Zoro grabbing him.

Then everything starts shaking. The stomach acid starts roiling and sends our ship, and the house-boat Crocus is on, rocking. "What the hell?!" Sanji yelps.

"So he's started again…" Crocus sighs.

Nami points at the house-boat. "That thing's made of iron!"

Usopp's eyes light up. "Of course! We're on a sea of gastric acid! If we stay any longer, our ship will be dissolved!" He turns to the old man with a glare, "just what the hell is going on?!"

"This whale is banging his head on the Red Line again," Crocus responds.

I pick myself off the floor. "Because he wants to cross, or because he wants to hurt himself?" He gives me a keen look.

"Now that he mentions it, the whale was covered in scars, and was screaming at the sky!" Nami says.

"What does it mean?" Usopp asks.

"It means he's suffering!" Nami cries. There's more harsh rocking. "I get it, he must be trying to kill the whale from the inside out!" she grits.

"What a nasty way to kill something…" Usopp frowns.

I bonk them both on the head. "He isn't trying to kill him." They both shoot me glares.

"Who cares, we still have to get out of here. We'll be dissolved if we stick around," Zoro interrupts.

"We don't have any right to judge the old man, and no reason to save the whale. Let's just get out of here," Sanji states. I roll my eyes but say nothing.

"We're not gonna get anywhere if the waves keep surging like this!" Usopp yells.

"We still have to hurry, I'm worried about Luffy," Zoro grunts. "I think I saw him fly out of its mouth, so he's still out there!"

I stroke my chin in false thought. "4,000 more berri says he's already inside and about to make a dramatic entrance!" I declare.

Zoro rolls his eyes at me. "Deal! Just help me fucking row!"

I roll my eyes back two times as hard. "Cause that went soooo well last time!"

Out of the corner of my eye I see Crocus dive from his house-boat into the gastric sea. "He jumped in! That crazy old man is gonna get himself dissolved!" Usopp shouts.

"Don't worry about him, just get closer to the door," I grunt, trying to help Zoro with the oar.

Then there's a loud bang and an influx of screaming from high above us. Three figures come barreling out the smaller door attached to the big door; Luffy, an in disguise Vivi, and Mr… 9? Yeah. 9.

"Guys! You're alright!" Luffy laughs from the air. "So uh, I could use a hand!" Then the three of them plummet into the sea of acid.

"Dumbass…" I sigh.

"How the fuck — C'mon, we gotta save Luffy," Zoro groans.

Fishing the three of them out isn't all that hard, and in no time we have them soaking gastric acid into our deck. By that point Laboon has stopped his violent rocking, and the surges have calmed down.

"Who the hell are you two?" Zoro demands. Vivi leans away from Sanji, who's just kinda crouching beside her creepily, to start whispering with the 9 guy. I pull Sanji back by his shirt collar and give Vivi a semi-apologetic look.

"You thugs are still here?! For the last time! I won't let you lay a finger on Laboon as long as I live!" Crocus holler from the door.

"Oh, he's back," Usopp mutters.

"Who's the old guy?" Luffy questions.

I see both Vivi and the 9 guy opening their cases and pulling out their cannons.

Vivi lets out this terribly false sounding laugh. "You can't bully us into leaving."

"We won't let you interfere with our whale hunting business any longer!" Mr. 9 proclaims.

Uh, I think the fuck not.

"WHALE POACHER!" I holler, then Sparta kick 9 guy right back into the acid.

"HuuAH?!" he cries as he splashes into the fluid, cannon following him down. Vivi drops her cannon and turns to me with a bewildered and incredulous look.

My crewmates are much the same.

"Ed?!"

"What the hell?"

I throw my hands up in surrender, put them down to kick Vivi's gun away from her, then put them back up. "What?! They were gonna shoot the whale! They have giant guns!"

"So you're a whale rights activist now?!" Zoro grits out.

I glare at him. "Dude, I have a conscience. And whales are cool! I mean, whale sharks are my favourite animal ever but—"

He cuts me off with a loud groan. Usopp smears his hands down his face. "Why are you like this?"

I shrug. "Mental illness?"

Usopp grumbles and Zoro shakes his fist at me.

"Wait… so is the old man protecting the whale..?" Nami murmurs, giving Vivi this weird look.

"You won't stop us! One minor setback isn't going to keep up from completing our mission and taking this whale as food for our town—" Vivi's fake snooty voice is cut off by Luffy punching her upside the head and knocking her out.

"I don't know what's going on, but I wanted to hit her!" he announces. We stare at him in silence for a second.

"Can someone please save me?!" Mr. 9 gurgles from the stomach acid.

I have a heavy sigh. "Fish him up."

—

"This is an island whale, native to the West Blue. It's the largest species of whale in the world, and this one's name is Laboon," Crocus tells us after we move to his house-boat. We have the two bounty hunters tied together, and are sat around Crocus in his lawn chair. Besides Luffy, that is, he's trying to climb the palm tree.

"These two are thugs from a nearby town. Their goal is to hunt Laboon because he could feed their town for two to three years. Not that I'd let them!" Crocus snaps before going to a rant about how he met Laboon. I'm more focused on checking out the cannon I stole from Vivi.

I don't understand this thing in the slightest, but still…

Cannon cool. Cannon very cool.

"Hello? Ed are you listening? Stop drooling!" Nami's voice snaps me out of my revelry.

"Huh? What was the question?" I ask, wiping my chin.

She rolls her eyes so hard I worry she'll strain them. "I said we're leaving! Get on the Merry!"

"Geez, fine! You don't have to yell," I grumble, shoving the cannon back in its case and taking it onto the ship.

"Please don't tell me you plan on taking that big thing with you," Zoro asks disapprovingly.

I shoot him a glare. "Cram it, green boy. If you can have three fucking katanas I can have a cannon!" Then I mumble under my breath, "besides, if Wolfwood can carry around a giant fucking cross-gun I can carry a comparably much smaller cannon…"

"What was that?" Zoro questions, leaning in closer.

"I said you still owe me 8,000 berri," I reply smugly. His face drops as we start to move through the giant door and through the constructed tunnels inside Laboon.

"This is some waterway. It's amazing that this whale is still alive with a hole this big inside his body," Zoro changes the subject.

"Just a doctor's playful mind," Crocus grunts from his lawn chair, still flipping through his newspaper.

"Doctor?" Usopp repeats incredulously.

"I may not look it, but I'm legally certified. I even ran a clinic on the cape a long time ago. Before that I was a ship's doctor for a few years."

Luffy's eyes light up from where he's sat on our snapped figurehead. "Really?! You should join my crew as a doctor!" he laughs as we come to a stop at another large door.

Crocus gets out of his seat to start climbing a ladder up the side of the tunnel. "Don't be ridiculous. I'm too old to be doing reckless things like you youths," he grumbles back.

"So you're a doctor living inside a whale… That have any correlation?" Nami asks, leaning forward on crossed arms.

"That's right," Crocus grunts, turning a big wheel attached to the door. "With a whale this big, it's impossible to treat from the outside."

As the door cracks open, we go spilling out back into the sea. "Alright! They sky!" Luffy cheers, jumping to his feet and spreading his arms.

I just well and truly had a Book of Jonah moment… Do I count as an actual prophet now?

"What should we do with these two?" Usopp asks, nudging Mr. 9 with his boot.

"Just toss them somewhere around here," is Zoro's answer, grabbing the two of them by the backs of their clothes and fully throwing them overboard.

"Heh. Deserved," I snicker.

Luffy leans over the side of the ship. "So… Who were you guys again?"

"Shut up! It's none of your business!" Vivi snaps back.

"Wait, Miss Wednesday. Maybe it is their business, seeing as they're pirates," Mr. 9 retorts.

The both of them strike as dramatic poses as they can while still treading water. "True indeed, Mr. 9. Our organization may have some use for you. Prepare yourselves!" Then they both turn and start sprint swimming away from us.

"Until next time, you hillbilly pirates!" 9 screams.

"Heed this, Crocus! We will be back!" Vivi hollers.

"What a couple of weirdos," I snort, then I pat the cannon case at my side. "Whoops! Seems like they left this behind! Guess it's mine now."

"You're despicable," Zoro mutters.

"You're 8,000 berri indebted to me," I respond without missing a beat.

"What's this?" I hear Luffy mumble off to the side.

"Are you sure about just letting them go? They'll probably be back, you know," Nami says to Crocus.

"Even if I didn't, there'll be more who'll take their places," he responds, steering his island-boat towards the cape.

We all get settled down at a table he has outside. "Those pirates sure are taking their time…" Luffy muses, lying cross legged on the ground.

"Idiot, this is the Grand Line," Sanji scoffs from where he's sat on top of the table, "they promised to be back in 2-3 years. It's been 50. They're obviously long dead. No matter how long that whale waits—"

He's cut off by Usopp smacking his face into the table and shaking his fist. "You don't know that for sure!" He raises his head, a bright red spot on his forehead. "They might still come back! I thought it was very touching. A whale who still believes in his friend's promise…"

"The truth is far more cruel, however," Crous pipes up, his back turned to us. "Those fellows left already. From the Grand Line, that is. I heard from a reliable source."

Usopp's face goes pale. "What?! I don't get it, why would they leave him like this?!" I mean this is the nicest way possible, but does Usopp have… abandonment issues? Fucking Yasopp .

"Hey, are we by chance talking about the Rumbar Pirates?" I butt in from beside Sanji on the table.

Crocus looks over his shoulder at me, a gimmer in his eye I don't really know what to make of. "Indeed. You heard of them, youngster?"

I grimace. "Yeah. Heard half the crew got hit by an incurable disease and tried to escape the Grand Line to find a doctor. I don't know what happened to them, besides that they tried their luck with the Calm Belt route…"

Nami makes an unhappy noise. "But the Calm Belt…"

I nod. "The other half got swallowed by the Florian Triangle. Only god knows what happened to that lot." Well, god and myself. But they don't really need to know that.

"That's terrible. What horrible luck…" Usopp mutters.

"How the hell did you hear that?" Zoro grouches.

I smirk, tap my temple, and in a sing-song voice croon, "Detective!" He shoots me a stink eye. I make a cash motion with my hand. He looks away.

Who knew all it took to shut him up was leverage? Nami really knew what she was doing.

"Even if what that youngster says is true, it remains that Laboon's friends will not be coming back," Crocus intones.

"Who knows, maybe they left something behind for him," I muse, resting my chin on folded hands. He shoots me another weird look. What is with this guy?

Nami makes more unhappy sounds. "So have you tried to explain this to Laboon? He seems to understand human language, right?"

Crocus heaves a sigh. "I have. I explained the whole thing to him. He just won't listen. He's been howling at Reverse Mountain and bashing his head against the Red Line ever since." My crew mates make commiserating comments around me. "He refuses to believe that they'll never come back. It's too late for him to go back to the West Blue, so his friends are his only hope."

Sanji blows a cloud of smoke. "Tragic, really. But in a way you were also betrayed, right? Why don't you just leave the whale?"

Crocus stares up at Laboon, a furrow in his brow. "Look at those scars on his head. If he continues as he is, he'll die. I'm not gonna let him, he's been my companion for fifty years after all."

I notice Luffy start to wander towards the ship.

Oh no the fuck he doesn't.

I slide off the table to run after him. I swing an arm over his shoulder with a tight insincere smile. "Heeey Captain! You weren't about to rip the main mast off our ship to stab a whale, were you? Because if you were about to do that I would be very upset!"

His shoulders hunch under my arm and he gives me a big slightly nervous smile. "Um. If I was about to do that I definitely wouldn't be doing it now?"

I push my face closer to his. "Wonderful! So how about we try something else, hm?"

He frowns. "Like what? Fighting people always seems to get them to listen to me."

I roll my eyes. "It's weird that that works for you. But I'm not saying you don't have to fight him. Just don't break the ship to do it, we kind of need it to sail the Grand Line."

Luffy gives me a huge toothy grin. "Ok!" he chirps. Then he takes off sprinting up Laboon's head. I shake my head with a smile, then start my way back to the group.

"What the hell is he doing?" Sanji mutters.

Zoro groans. "Take your eyes off him for one second and…"

There's a loud yell from atop Laboon's massive head. "Uh, what did he just do?" Nami asks, her voice oozing apprehension.

Usopp stares with a bead of sweat dripping down his face. "Did he just punch the—"

"Yeah he just punched the whale," I finish for him.

Then Laboon starts screaming and flailing. "YOU ASS! LUFFY STOP!" Sanji, Zoro and Nami all scream in unison.

Usopp grabs me by the front of my shirt and starts shaking me, tears running from his eyes. "WHY DID YOU LET HIM DO THAT?!"

I throw my hands up. "You think I could stop Luffy from fighting anything? Just be glad he didn't rip off our main mast to do it!"

Then Laboon smashes his face into the cape way too close to us for comfort.

I don't think I have enough words to describe what seeing a mountain sized whale fighting a human sized dude is like, which is saying a lot because I read too much as a child and now have the vocabulary of an eighty year old man.

Luffy is slammed into the lighthouse.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Zoro screams, hands gripping at his short hair. Crocus is starring in shock. Laboon is still howling in rage and gearing up for a further fight.

"IT'S A TIE!" Luffy hollers. Laboon pauses. Luffy smirks up at him. "I'm pretty tough, eh? Our fight hasn't been settled, so we have to fight again! Your other friends may be dead, but I'm your new rival! And once my crew sails around the Grand Line," his face explodes into a bright grin, "when we're done we'll duke it out again!"

We all look on with smiles on our faces. Laboon's massive eye tears up and he starts wailing again, this time out of emotion instead of pain.

Luffy jumps to his feet. "Ed! Come help me with this!"

I can't keep the beaming smile off my face as I get up and follow him.

Notes:

Here we go! Why do these random men seem to know things...

Hopefully this is a little easier to read now lmao.

Also as a sidebar, any ships that are tagged in this fic will be mostly background things. You may notice the Nami/Vivi tag is there now, but their relationship isn't going to be something that develops primarily on screen.

Who's ready to watch Ed get absolutely bitchslapped by the plot?

Chapter 22: Chapter Twenty Two: You Look Desperate, You Look Pathetic

Summary:

Sweet Dreams, Sweet Cheeks - Los Campesinos!

I can almost feel the weight of Crocus's stare as we smile up at the happy whale.

Notes:

WE'RE BACK MOTHERFUCKERS WE LIIVEEDDD!

So many important details in this chapter... Sooo many...

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Hey Laboon," I start. Me and Luffy are both on top of Laboon's head and are smearing paint across his scarred skin in the shape of our Jolly Roger. Laboon makes a low croon. "Making bets is kind of my thing, so I'd like to make one with you."

Laboon makes another sound. "How's this, I bet we're gonna bring you back something real special when we come back around. If we don't, you get to tell everyone I'm a huge liar. But if we do…" I smile down at his hide, "if we do, you have to sing a song for me!" Laboon sings a long happy sound. I laugh. "Ha! Knew that would get you! So you've just gotta wait for us to get back."

Luffy laughs, loud and joyful from just over the curve of Laboons head. "I want a song too!"

I snort. "Ok, two songs, and you can call both of us names if we fail." Laboon makes a vibrating hum like a laugh.

When we finish and make our way down, Luffy yells back up at Laboon, "it's a rush job, so don't go bashing your head on the rocks anymore and make it disappear! This is a sign of our promise to fight again!" Laboon makes an agreeing whine. Luffy grins a blinding smile up at him. "Good!"

I wrap a paint cover arm around his shoulder. My poor jacket is definitely looking worse for wear… "And don't you forget about our bet! If you keep hitting the Red Line it's off!" I shout up at him.

I can almost feel the weight of Crocus's stare as we smile up at the happy whale.

I should probably figure out what that's about.

—

The rest of the crew had spread out while me and Luffy were painting, and I've just sat down next to Nami at the table when she starts screaming. I fall backwards off my chair with a squawk.

"What the hell?!" I yell from the ground.

"What? You're being noisy," Luffy complains.

"What's the matter Nami? If it's about food it's ready!" Sanji cries, coming back from the ship with huge plates of the Elephant Tuna he got back in Loguetown.

"The compass! It's broken! It's just spinning and pointing all over the place!" she wails.

I climb back onto the chair levelling a flat glare at her. "Are you kidding me? You burst my eardrums for that?!"

She sends me an incredulous glare back. "The compass which we need for navigation is broken! I'd say that's worth a little screaming!"

I roll my eyes and groan. "Compasses don't work on the Grand Line. God, we really walked ass backwards out here, didn't we?"

"What do you mean they don't work?! How the fuck am I supposed to navigate without a damn compass?!" Nami hollers, looking seconds away from strangling me.

I throw my hands up. "Don't shoot the messenger! I'm actually amazed you've never heard of this…"

"It's sadly apparent only one of you came here with a single clue about anything. For god's sake! Did you all come here just to die?" Crocus lectures us. "Common sense doesn't apply in this ocean. Like your friend said, compasses don't work here."

Nami's eyes light up and her brow furrows. "Then… is it the magnetic field?"

Crocus nods. "That's right." As he gets into explaining things, I notice Luffy starting to chow down on the food Sanji brought.

I snag a plate away from him before he can devour it all. The slabs of meat it's cut into are bigger than my damn head, and I manage to scarf down two before Usopp starts crying and Nami starts screaming. "Would all of you shut up for five seconds so I can figure this out!"

"To navigate the Grand Line you'll need a Log Pose," Crocus announces. The group makes confused noises so he elaborates. "A Log Pose is a special kind of compass that records magnetic fields."

"Is it weird looking?" Luffy asks through a mouthful of fish.

"I guess it does look rather odd," Crocus agrees.

Luffy hums, "so something like this?" and holds up a Log Pose I think he stole from Mr. 9.

"Yes, that's it. Without one it would be impossible to navigate this ocean," Crocus explains.

Nami nods. "Right, I get it. But hang on…" Then she spins on her heel and sucker punches Luffy square across the jaw. "WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE ONE?!"

Luffy rubs his jaw from the ground. "Those two weirdos earlier left it on board."

Nami raises an eyebrow. "Them?"

Luffy tilts his head. "Why'd you punch me?"

"Just felt I had to."

"Oh."

She snatches the Pose from his hands and looks it over. "No dial faces or markings…"

Crocus looks out to the ocean. "Each island on the Grand Line has a unique magnetic field surrounding it. To sum it up, you'll have to record the magnetic field interaction between any two islands before you can progress to the next. From Reverse Mountain you can choose one of seven magnetic fields to record, which will take you on a different route of islands. But no matter which route you start with, all paths converge into one." He gives us an intense look. "Laugh Tale. The final stop on the Grand Line. The only people to ever confirm its existence is the King of the Pirates and his crew."

Usopp's whole face lights up. "Does that mean the One Piece is there?!"

"Who knows? That's the most prominent theory."

Wait—

Oh my god the One Piece isn't on Laugh Tale. The way he said that — What if the One Piece really isn'tthere at all?!

I snap my dropped jaw shut when Crocus sends me an odd look.

Guess I'll see when we get there.

"Enough thinking. We can see it for ourselves once we're there!" Luffy declares, fishbone stuck between his grinning teeth. Then he sighs and pats his bulging stomach. "Ah! Should we get going then? I finished eating."

Sanji and Usopp start screaming at him while I surreptitiously slide my empty plate away from myself. Sanji takes a violent swing at Luffy with his foot, sending him flying at an unsuspecting Nami who's admiring her new wrist wear.

The force of which he goes crashing past Nami shatters the delicate glass of her Log Pose. She stares at it blankly for a second, then jumps up with a furious howl and hurls both Sanji and Luffy off the cape with her bare hands. "YOU TWO CAN COOL YOUR HEADS IN THE SEA!"

Jesus, Nami's fucking scary when she's mad.

"Ok, so, correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't the Log Pose work better when it's not broken?!" Usopp shrieks.

Nami starts frantically waving her arms around. "What do we do, Crocus?! Our Log Pose—"

"I have one," I pipe up from my chair.

Nami turns to me with the anger of a hundred men. "You WHAT?!"

I shrug. "I have one. I bought one in Loguetown because I know what I'm doing."

Crocus huffs out a laugh. "At least one of you youngsters does then. Why don't you save that one, I'll give you mine as a present for helping Laboon. Having an extra never hurts."

I give him a strange look. "I don't see why not, if you're ok with giving it up."

He gives me a sly grin. "I have something else for you as well, youngster."

Eh?

In the time it takes for Luffy and Sanji, accompanied by Vivi and Mr. 9 for some reason, to crawl out of the water Crocus has already retrieved his items. He hands Nami her new Log Pose, and me a leather tube thing about the length of my hand wrist to finger.

"I've got a feeling you're just the person this item was waiting for," Crocus states, a knowing smile on his face. I furrow my brow at him as I open it. Inside is a golden spyglass. It's polished to perfection and there's what looks like a coin insignia stamped into the barrel.

Crocus huffs out another laugh. "Every good pirate needs a reliable bring 'em near. An old pal of mine left that with me, I think you'd be a fine next owner." I look up at him with wide surprised eyes.

An old pal… did this used to belong to a member of the Roger Pirates?

"Can I really—"

I'm cut off by Vivi and Mr. 9 both suddenly screaming behind me.

"WHAT? YOU BROKE IT?! THAT WAS MINE!"

"YOU'RE STUCK HERE TOO?! HOW LONG WERE YOU GOING TO MAKE US BEG?!"

"Did I forget to mention we have an extra?" Nami says snidely. Both of the Baroque Works agents go white in the face and deflate.

"It's fine. You can ride with us," Luffy decides. "You said it was called Whiskey Peak? Let's go there."

I stalk right up to the pair of them and clamp a hand on each of their shoulders, a plastic smile slapped on my face. "No funny business, right?"

They both give frantic nods as I back off. Nami is grumbling under her breath and Usopp makes an incredulous face. "Why? These two are obviously pretty shady characters!"

"It's fine. Don't sweat the small stuff," is Luffy's nonchalant reply.

"Choose your route carefully, once you leave the starting point you'll be committed to your path," Crocus advises.

Luffy smiles wide. "That's fine, if we don't like it we can try a different route next time!"

The slow creeping joy on Crocus's face is plain as day. "I see."

Luffy laughs, rolling his neck and shoulders. "Ok! It's time we get going!"

Vivi is giving him an odd look. "Just who are you?"

Luffy finishes stretching his arms to turn to her with a wide gin. "Me? I'm the man who'll be the King of the Pirates!"

Crocus starts chuckling under his breath and the other two start snickering for completely different reasons.

Poor shits have no idea who they're dealing with.

—

It's just hit sunrise when we finally have everything ready to go. "Alright, your Log Pose should be set by now. Make sure it's pointing to the right place," Crocus instructs.

"Yup! It's pointed straight at Whiskey Peak," Nami confirms.

"Bye then, flower gramps! Thank you for the Log Pose!" Luffy yells from the ship. "We're leaving now, whale! Bye!"

I rest my crossed arms on the bannister and look up at the monstrosity we painted on his head. "Don't you forget our bet, Laboon!" I holler up, huge smile on my face.

As our ship starts to pull out I whistle a couple crisp bars of Binks Brew. Laboon sounds a long joyful whine, then hums a couple bars back. I snicker at the bewildered faces of my crew.

—

The second it starts snowing after we leave Reverse Mountain I put a pitying hand on Nami's shoulder. "The next few hours are going to be hell. I wish you the best of luck."

She gives me an odd look. "Why do you say that like you're leaving?"

"Oh honey. I have a very important call to make downstairs, but I have complete faith in you. Just, ah — don't take your eyes off the Log Pose, yeah?" Her eyebrows raise in another weird expression and I give her a solemn nod of my head.

I barely make it into the ladies cabin when I'm suddenly and violently tossed on my ass by the ship bucking. "GodDAMNIT—" I flip flop around for a while before the ship finally calms to the point I can get to my feet.

"Good lord, this is gonna be terrible…" I mutter under my breath as I pull out the armoire drawers and retrieve my Transponder case, place it on the desk, and pop it open. Inside sits my lovely little Transponder Snail.

The sweetheart is yellow inside a red shell with pink stripes. "Hi," I start. The snail just blinks up at me slowly. "I'm gonna give you a name, if you're ok with that." He blinks at me again. I blink back. "Right. How's President, Mr. President?"

I don't think snails can look smug or sigh but mine somehow manages to do both at once. "I hope this is the start of a long and beautiful friendship. You mind if I make a call?" Mr. President scoots forward an inch or two and turns on his side. "Wonderful."

I pick my small collection of numbers I had stashed inside the case and pluck out the number Jonah had given me. Thank god I had learned how to properly use rotary phones from my grandma, or this might have been confusing.

The Transponder rings for a beat before it makes a clicking sound and its face slowly morphs to a bored look and grows a goatee. That's… actually really weird to watch. Huh.

"Hello?" Jonah's voice asks from the President's mouth.

I open my mouth to reply but then a sudden bang on the side of the cabin wall causes a jet of water to start spewing into the room. "OH FUCK! GIMME A SECOND—"

I spit out a string of curses as I smack a plank of wood I brought down here for just such an emergency onto the hole and start hammering nails into it frantically. By some stretch of a miracle, it actually works. "Fucking Christ. I'm good at this!"

Then the ship makes a quick and violent turn that sends me screaming into the other side of the cabin. "ShiT FUCK ASS—" I'm then once again tossed by the ship directly onto my feet. I squat down into a crouch to better keep my balance, swears still spilling from my lips.

After a solid minute of rapid rocking, the room once again evens out and I let out a long drawn out sigh of relief. I trot back over to the desk and pick back up the Transponder with a dazzling smile.

"Heeey Jonah it's me Ed, just calling to start cashing in on that favour!" I sing into the mic. There's a moment of silence from the other side of the line. My bright smile slowly dims as it goes on.

"Oh, it's E. D. Domino," he finally answers, voice as deadpan as I remember it. "You know, I never thought I'd actually have to see your face again, but here it is; on my desk in full colour. I have to ask, what the fuck."

"What—" I start to ask, but am cut off by Nami suddenly screaming above me, much louder than she had been so far. The screaming is continuous, and slowly grows louder and louder until the hatch above me is thrown open and Nami comes tumbling down.

She keeps screaming as she scrambles across the floor towards me. I notice Luffy and Usopp both poke their heads down through the hatch but my attention is snatched away by the piece of paper that Nami (still screaming) shoves in my face.

"Calm down, what are you—" I freeze as I finally get a clear look at the paper. I slowly reach my hand over to the Transponder. "I'm… gonna have to call you back," I say into it, not taking my eyes off the paper.

The click of the call ending is secondary to my horror as I take the paper in my hands. Staring back up at me is my own face, eyebrow up and a fucking peace sign raised. The big bold words 'WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE E. D. DOMINO' are stark against the paper.

The 10,000,000 berri under that is what's more concerning. "Ah. That's not good," I mutter.

Then my eyes roll into the back of my skull and I pass out.

—

"...een worse, to be fair. Oh, I think they're coming to!" Usopp's voice is the first thing I hear when I fight my way into consciousness.

"Wha…" I mumble, squinting open my eyes and trying to look around. I'm laying down on the bed in the ladies room, and when I turn my head I find myself nose to nose with Luffy. I squint at him. "Hi?"

He smiles back. "Hi."

"What happened?" I ask, groggily rubbing my eyes.

"You saw your new bounty poster and fainted," Luffy answers, not moving an inch back from my face.

"My what," I deadpan.

He laughs. "Yup! You're worth 10,000,000 berri now!"

I nod slowly. "Right. Of course. Excuse me for a moment."

And I pass right back out.

—

"...tter wake up soon, we're almost there."

I groan and roll over, then immediately jump awake as I bang on the floor. "Ah shit! I'm awake!" I cry, hands frantically searching for my pistol.

"Hey, Ed's awake!" Luffy laughs.

I'm still in the ladies cabin, and both Usopp and Luffy are sat on the floor playing a card game. "...Whatcha playing?" I ask.

Usopp groans and shoves his cards into his face. "It was crazy Eights, but Luffy was convinced we were playing Go Fish and ate a card when I told him we weren't!"

I blink slowly at Luffy's entirely unapologetic face. "...That tracks. Anyway, how long was I out?"

Usopp scratches his head. "Little less than half an hour? I mean, almost an hour if you add the first time you passed out."

Wow, I didn't know I was so prone to fainting…

A run a ragged hand through my hair. "Shit, ok. The crazy weather done up there?"

Luffy nods, pulling a card out of his mouth to put it on the pile, much to Usopp's disgruntlement. "Yeah, it's fine now. Uno!" Usopp lets out a strangled scream and throws his cards down. "You gonna pass out again if we bring up the poster?" Luffy asks.

I bury my head in my hands. "No. Just — what the hell?" I groan, vigorously rubbing my face.

"I mean… you did shoot that Marine in the stomach. And kicked him in the balls. And he swore vengeance on you," Usopp says.

I groan again.

"Hey, at least you don't look totally stupid in your picture!" Luffy laughs, shoving the offending poster in my face. I stare down at myself with a grimace, Usopp coming up to look beside me. I squint at something behind me.

"No fucking way," I deadpan.

Usopp clocks onto what I saw. "NO WAY!" he yells, snatching the poster out of my hands. "That makes two wanted posters of me! I'm winning!" he hollers.

There, right behind my goddamn peace sign, is the back of Usopp's dumb head. "Are you kidding? How do you keep managing this?" I mutter. Doesn't he show up in the back of Zoro's poster too..?

Usopp just keeps cheering. "Who cares? I'm famous!"

—

Back up on deck Zoro is still napping, Nami is studiously watching her Log Pose beside the railing, and the two bounty hunters are sitting together and whispering to each other on deck.

"Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!" I announce as I climb up. I'm met with confused looks from everyone and sigh to myself. "I forgot none of you would know what that means. Damnit."

"Would we even want to?" Usopp grouches as he climbs up behind me.

I hum. "Probably not." I absentmindedly turn back to the sea, rubbing some of the sleep from my eyes. "Hey Vi—" I immediately cut myself off by stretching the 'e' sound out.

Shit fuck bitch cocksucker whore—

"—eeeee should we arriving on Whiskey Peak soon, right?"

Perfect save, well done me.

Vivi has this terrible twitching expression of horror on her face and Mr. 9 is looking at me funny, but honestly I think that might have worked!

"…Yeah. Should be under half an hour at this point," 9 says with a squint.

I nod feverishly. "Awesome. Great. Cool. I'm gonna go hide in the galley now bye—" I do just that. I run across the deck, and almost bowl over Sanji as he's stepping outside.

His face lights up when he sees me. "Oh hey Ed! I made rice balls if you want some—"

"COOL AWESOME THANKS SANJI BYE," I yell, slamming the door behind me.

Haha. Oops. I almost blew her two year long deep cover mission just now. I'm just gonna blame the shock and the fact that I just woke up and move on…

I pace around the kitchen for who knows how long before I'm interrupted. "Ed, get out here! We're about to pull up!" Nami calls from outside the door.

I swing it open and drag my feet over to Luffy. "You picked a stupid First Mate," I groan into his shoulder.

He laughs and pats my head. "No way! I picked you, so that isn't true."

I peek up at him. "Your optimism is astounding."

He laughs again, throwing his head back. "I don't know what that word means!"

"Look! The first leg of our journey is over," Nami announces, pointing a finger at the island coming into view. The strange shapes of gigantic cacti rise big and round on the horizon.

Well, into the snake's nest we sail.

Notes:

Check out Ed's wanted poster!

Who'd the spyglass belong to? Fuck around and find out.

Also next chapter is… a doozy. So be worried about that.

You may be asking 'Aachria, why did Ed's poster come out so much later than Luffy's?' If you must know, because Ed name dropped Garp during their encounter with Nezumi the Marines had to clear it with him first to make this they really weren't on his payroll. And he thought it was so funny he almost went along with it until he realized they were with Luffy and went 'fuck them kids' and let it go through xoxo.

Chapter 23: Chapter Twenty Three: I Will Never Deserve Peace

Summary:

Peace - Shayfer James

"I'm sure nothing bad will happen to us here at all. Nothing is going to try and kill us," I snicker. Usopp gives me this desperate look of despair that I smirk at.

Notes:

This chapter touches some… heavy topics. So be careful and remember kids, don't underage drink and NEVER leave your drinks unattended in public spaces.

There's drugging, mentions of and allusions to SA (nothing happens in regards to that, to be clear) and all the fun things that come with that stuff.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"So this is Whiskey Peak!" Luffy laughs, scrambling up the figurehead.

"Oh thank god we've arrived!" Mr. 9 cries, him and Vivi both jumping up on the bannister. "Now then, we'll be taking our leave!" he says.

"It's been interesting, to say the least," Vivi sneers.

Mr. 9 snorts. "If fate wills it, let's meet again!"

Then they both backflip into the water shouting, "bye bye baby!" and start swimming away from us at top speed.

We all stare in silence for a couple seconds. "…What a couple of weirdos," Nami says.

"Guess we'll never know what they were up to," Usopp mutters.

"Who cares? We're landing!" Luffy cheers.

"There's a waterway right up ahead, looks like we can dock inland," Nami observes.

"Did you know one of the reasons merchants used to favour caravels was because they could travel inland like this?" I blurt out.

"Hm?" Usopp hums.

"Caravels were designed specifically to sail windward, which is great for moving goods quickly. The speed they could get around made up for the smaller cargo space," I continue, squinting into the fog surrounding the river. "They're fast, but they're also super fragile. That's why we gotta be careful with the Merry." I turn back to the crew to see most of them openly staring at me. I blink.

Shit.

I wave my hands frantically. "Sorry I didn't mean to go on a tangent, you can just tell me to shut up next time I won't mind—"

"Ed, no! That's actually super interesting!" Nami immediately starts backpedalling.

"We're not annoyed. I just didn't think you knew anything about boats," Zoro adds.

"I don't?" I reply, scrunching my eyebrows.

"But you know all about caravels and their specialties?" Usopp asks with an incredulous laugh.

I frown. "Don't laugh! I'm more theory than practical application!"

Usopp keeps chuckling. "You're something else, Ed!"

Oh. That was kind of… nice. People don't usually react like that when I ramble.

"Anyways, I'm seriously considering the possibility of monsters out there," Usopp changes the subject, a new shake in his voice.

"It's definitely possible. This is the Grand Line," Sanji agrees around his cigarette.

Luffy just laughs. "No worries, if we find monsters we can just leave!" he offers.

"Uh, no," Nami cuts in, "don't forget we have to wait for the Log Pose to reset between islands. It could be hours or even days!"

"Or years," I add, wiggling my eyebrows.

Usopp clutches at his hair, pale and sweating. "But then if there are monsters we can't leave?! And years?! Stop talking out of your ass!" he shrieks.

"Let's not worry about the monsters until we have to. Let's just go already!" Luffy declares, his big smile infectious.

"Can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree," Zoro states.

"I'll keep Nami and Ed safe!" Sanji announces.

"Guys, I think I contracted a Can't-Enter-Islands-Disease," Usopp whimpers, sweat rolling down his face.

"I'm sure nothing bad will happen to us here at all. Nothing is going to try and kill us," I snicker. Usopp gives me this desperate look of despair that I smirk at.

Nami sighs. "Fuck it. We're going in," she announces.

We sail up through the mist covered river, and start to hear the low thrum of people. The mist remains too thick to see through right up until the cheering starts.

"Welcome to Whiskey Peak!"

"Pirates are here!"

"Welcome to the Grand Line!"

The banks are completely covered in people. Men, women, children, they're all cheering and shouting joyfully at us. The crew around me makes sounds of awe, leaning over the rails to take it in better. Not me. I shrink back from the performative welcome.

As we dock beside the river bank and disembark, I make eye contact with Zoro. He raises an eyebrow at my obvious discomfort and I dart my eyes around the crowd, lingering on people obviously concealing weapons. He blinks back in understanding.

I lock the unease and distrust behind a mask of awe and bashfulness. I can see Zoro do a double take at my acting out of the corner of my eye, but I've already moved on to standing beside Luffy.

If there's one thing being myself has taught me, it's masking.

"Welc — *cough* ma-ma-maaa~ Welcome. My name is Igarappoi. It's my honour as mayor to welcome you to Whiskey Peak," a man with huge hair curlers says, stepping forward out of the crowd with a saxophone in hand.

Igarappoi — Are you kidding? I forgot how fucking bad his code name was. Fucking Igaram.

"Okay. I'm Luffy. Nice to meet you. Nice hair, I like the curls," he giggles, tugging on my sleeve and pointing.

Igaram's face doesn't budge an inch from the cordial smile he's wearing. "Whiskey Peak is a town that thrives on making liquor and music. Hospitality is our middle name! If it's fine liquor you want, we have an oceans worth. Would you let us throw a party in your honour so you can tell us — *hack* ma-ma-maaa~ tell us the tales of your adventure?"

"Gladly!" Sanji, Usopp and Luffy shout, hooking their arms around each other's necks and pulling me in too. They drag me laughing and dancing into the throng of cheering people as the sun starts to set.

—

My first hour of the party is spent denying drinks and not much more. I explain that I don't drink alcohol no less than twenty times and no, I'm not going to change my mind and no, not even just a sip and no, I'm not going to make a damn exception. Fucking people.

About an hour or two in, they finally get the memo and start shoving dishes at me instead. Knowing the food is probably laced with some shit does wonders to keep my appetite reigned in. At least, right up until Luffy notices I'm not eating anything.

"Ed! They're giving us food! Eat this!" he yells. When I turn to ask him what he's talking about, he shoves a handful of shrimp tempura down my throat. I choke a little and resist the urge to spit it out immediately.

God, did they drug all the food here? Because if so that's such a damn waste! That was delicious!

I swallow what Luffy almost choked me with, then send him a soft glare. "Luffy, these people would have killed Laboon for food. I'm not gonna eat more of theirs than I have to."

He furrows his brow at me and stares contemplatively at a chicken leg. Then he shrugs and shoves it in his mouth anyways. "Well they're giving it to us. Doesn't matter either way." I roll my eyes at him as he runs to get more food.

Usopp crashes into my side, laughing loudly in my ear. "Ed! Why aren't you partying?"

I give him a plastic grin. "I am partying! The only thing that could make this more of a party is the Macarena," I say sarcastically.

A loud boisterous laugh comes from beside us as Luffy, still shoving food in his mouth, comes bowling over again. "I know that one! C'mon Ed! Dance dance dance!" He grabs me by the arms and pulls me toward himself while pointing at the band. "Gimme a beat!"

They look a little confused and start playing a simple 4/4 beat for him.

"Perfect!" he grins, white teeth on broad display. Then he starts doing the Macarena. Like the actual honest to god Macarena. I, completely unconsciously through the power of muscle memory or something, start doing it as well.

The confusion has not left my face. "How the fuck do you know the Macarena?" I ask incredulously, jumping in place and turning at the same time Luffy does.

He laughs. "Shanks taught me!"

Why does that not answer any questions? What the fuck.

We dance (if you can really call it that) together for maybe five minutes before he's abruptly running off again to eat more food. I wander my way over to a chair and face plant into a table with a groan.

"Are you alright?" a lady's voice asks me.

"Am I?" I answer right back, not bothering to lift my head.

"Do you need some water, honey?" she asks with a giggle.

"Probably," I groan back. My hand is lifted off the table and a mug is pressed into it.

I raise my head to check out the mug. The water looks clear and untampered with so I throw caution to the wind and take a swig. No strange flavours jump out at me so I down some more.

The lady laughs. "I guess all that dancing wore you down! I hope you wouldn't be opposed to another one, with me," she says with a smile. She looks around my age, honey coloured hair framing deep brown eyes and wearing a cute polka dotted dress.

I smirk up at her. "For a sweetheart like you? Never." I let her pull me, drink still in hand, onto the dance floor as the band starts playing another song. They strike up something almost like a mix between a shanty and swing music, however the hell they accomplish that.

"What kind of dance do you know?" she asks me, draping her arms across my shoulders.

I shrug, placing my free hand on her waist. "Swing and salsa, mostly. I know the entire dance to Rasputin, ironically. How about you?"

She keeps up a steady conversation with me as we twirl around the room, I end up talking so much I drain my mug dry. When she notices I'm finished with it she hands it off to another couple dancing nearby and takes my hand in hers to continue our dance.

Then the world starts tilting strangely and my words start to slur together. I start missing steps of our dance and nearly lose my grip on her hand several times because of the tremors running through my arms.

Oh fuck…

Evil bitch drugged my fucking water.

I rip my shaking hands out of hers. "I'm gon' go si'down…" I mumble around my heavy tongue. I can't even make her expression out through the blurry film covering my vision.

I somehow manage to stumble into a couch, and slide down onto it. Everything around me feels like syrup, sliding through my brain and out my ears. I slump down onto the lap of the person beside me.

Damn, got Rohypnoled. Stupid stupid stupid…

I try to blink back the static to find a familiar face. The first one I see is right above me.

Sanji stares down at me with a dopey smile, cheeks flushed red from atmosphere or alcohol. "Heeeey Ed!" he laughs, a clumsy hand coming down to card through my hair.

Oh thank god, of all the people I could bump into. Sanji's weird 'protect the precious' instincts will probably keep weirdos away.

"Heeeey Sanji… Y'mind w'tchn m'for sec'nd..?" I slur back, tongue feeling like a lead weight in my mouth. His smile softens and I think he mumbles something back, but the rhythmic brushing of his fingers on my scalp has me dropping off the brink of consciousness before I can get an answer.

—

The loud oppressive beat of club music invades my synapses. I don't have to think for a second before I know where I am. I immediately turn away from the bar to tumble onto the dance floor.

The technicolour lights send me stumbling into dancing partygoers. My fingers are numb and the universe is folding in on itself around me. I call my sister's name into the crowd. God knows how long I stay alone in that throng of people.

A hand clamps on my wrist. I look up into the blurred and worried eyes of my sister. My name sounds foreign from her mouth, something not quite mine anymore. An ill fitting jacket or knit sweater catching on my skin like hooks into soft flesh.

I mumble her name. I tell her what happened, in short slurred words. A guy at the bar. Looked away from my drink for half a second. Wouldn't leave me alone. Started feeling weird. Her face hardens.

"Let's go home," echoes through my ear canal, "this was a shit idea."

I nod into her arm. "Told y'fifteen s'too young f'ra bar…" slides out of my mouth.

The cool night air is a blessing on my skin for not nearly long enough before I'm gently shoved into the front seat of my sister's hand-me-down Audi.

"We can just sit in my room and eat ice cream next time, yeah?" her smooth voice comforts.

With all the strength of a newborn I tilt my head so I can see her soft face. "M'sorry," I mumble.

She raises an eyebrow. "For getting drugged?"

"No," I answer, "for dad."

The corners of my vision start to glitch and fade away like bad video game graphics. The expression on my sister's face shifts. Her party makeup melts, her face ages, her dyed hair fades.

My name once again spills unfamiliar between her teeth. "Poor idiot. That hasn't happened yet."

I furrow my brow best I can through my face's numbness. "Wha..?"

"You're fifteen and I'm nineteen right now. We're sixteen and twenty when you tear our family to shreds." The words sting like salt in an open wound.

"M'sorry—" I mumble again, desperate even as things start to burn like an overdeveloped photo.

"No,"

"No you're not."

—

The second I feel awareness tingle at the edges of my consciousness, I grab onto it with all my might. I drag myself through the lingering haze to pry my eyes open. My vision is full of worn red fabric and I can feel the rhythmic thumping of running through my stomach. I try and turn my head to see what's going on, making a soft groan.

"Sorry Ed! We gotta go!" Luffy's voice filters through the miasma.

The ringing in my ears recedes, and I can hear Usopp and Sanji screaming at Luffy. I force my numb hands to grip onto Luffy's vest and I crunch my eyelids together, pressing my face into his back.

"...Ed?" he repeats, slightly more hesitantly.

"I'm fine," I hiss into the fabric. My voice is hoarse and I can feel the walls of my throat rubbing together like sandpaper.

Cottonmouth. Nausea. Headache. Muscle pain.

I muffle a desperate curse into my Captain's back. "I'm fine," I repeat, more trying to convince myself than him. He slows down just a bit. I smack my palm into his back. "Don't stop! Keep going!" I order. He does. I finally register that I'm slung over his shoulder.

Piece of crap! Who the hell roofied me? I can't remember shit!

"Zoro, I brought the guys! Ed isn't doing so hot!" Luffy hollers. I cringe away from the yell, hunching into my arms. There's more yelling from who I think is Nami and Vivi, then I'm being slowly lowered from Luffy's shoulder.

Fuck, ok. Gotta keep it together for a few minutes. At least until we're out of here.

…Why do I have to do that again?

The loud noises come to an abrupt end as there's two loud thonks beside me, then a gentle hand lands on my shoulder. I startle and look up at Nami, who's looking down at me worriedly.

"I'm fine," I say again.

She doesn't look convinced. I stumble up to my feet, grabbing onto her shoulder for support. "You sure..?" she asks, sounding like she's already made up her mind that I'm not.

"Positive," I grit out, eyes squinting as the fog starts to lift and the sun starts to rise.

I do a double take when I notice the person sized duck on our ship, before remembering oh yeah that's Vivi's duck friend Karoo. Why can't my head clear up already?

"Congratulations on your escape. And be careful not to crash your ship into the rocks," a voice like silk says from behind us.

"Don't worry about that, I'll take care of it," Nami says. Then she pauses.

We all spin back as the voice says again, "what a nice ship."

Sitting on the balcony railing, ankles crossed in a skimpy purple cowgirl getup, is a smirking woman with piercing blue eyes and shoulder length black hair.

"Ah," I mutter, "you."

Nico Robin stares down at us with a smile. "I just ran into Mr. 8 a little while ago, he didn't look so good," she comments.

Vivi mumbles something that's drowned out by Luffy's shouting. "What're you doing on our ship?! Who're you?!"

"What're you doing all the way out here, Miss All-Sunday?!" Vivi yells.

"Who's partner is she?" Nami questions panickedly from beside me.

"The very top," I mumble, "Mr. 0, Crocodile."

Everyone's eyes snap to me in an instant. "How do you know that..?" Vivi asks, horror infused in every note.

Eh?

Oh. Shit.

"It's a bit obvious, isn't it?" I say, shaky smirk slapped on my face. "I mean, a princess undercover in an agency like Baroque Works? A princess from Alabasta no less? And a Warlord taking up residence in that country just before all its troubles start? For an organization with 'mystery' as its motto, you sure are transparent."

My stupid ass is still half asleep! Everyone better have bought that.

Nico Robin stares down at me impassively. "Well done. It took letting Miss Wednesday tail me for her to figure it out." Vivi makes a choking noise.

"So she's a good guy?" Luffy mumbles.

"I knew that! And I bet you're the one who told him his identity was leaked!" Vivi shrieks.

"So she's a bad guy," Luffy huffs.

"Just what is your objective?!" Vivi continues.

Robin breathes out a laugh. "You just looked so desperate to figure it out. It was amusing, the idea of a princess believing she can take on the entire Baroque Works organization and save her kingdom. And to think it only took E. D. Domino a couple minutes of impaired thinking to outclass you," she snarks.

Vivi's anger turns to fury. "Don't underestimate me!" she roars. Everyone around me draws their weapons at once. Usopp and Sanji flank Robin, slingshot and pistol from god knows where pointed at her head.

Seriously, where the fuck did Sanji get that gun?

I realize with a start I have my own pistol out and pointed as well. I can't even remember drawing the damn thing… What the hell did that bitch give me?

"Hey, do you know what's going on?" Usopp asks.

"No. But this woman is a threat to my lovely Miss Wednesday!" Sanji responds.

Then the two of them are unceremoniously tossed over the railing by Robin's Devil Fruit powers.

"Would you mind not pointing those at me?" she intones, a bored look on her face.

Nami's staff, Zoro's sword, and my pistol are all slapped out of our hands. Everyone makes exclamations of shock, and I move up to stand behind my Captain.

"You can all calm down, I'm under no orders here, and have no reason to fight you," she says with a smirk. She turns to regard Luffy. "So you're the Captain. I've heard so much about you, Monkey D. Luffy."

I see the hand sprout from Luffy's back and reach for his hat. I snap my arm out lightning fast and smack it away.

One day Nico Robin is someone I will gladly call friend and family. That day is not today.

"Hands off," I growl.

Robin regards me with another cold and calculating look, amused smile still fixed in place. "My my, aren't you the observant one?" She tilts her head. "Then maybe you'll listen to this. Your next stop is an island called Little Garden."

I glare up at her. "What of it?"

She keeps smiling. "Even if I didn't lay a single finger on you here, that destination would still keep you from ever reaching Alabasta."

I don't budge an inch. "Is that so?"

She flicks a finger and an Eternal Pose flies into Vivi's hands. "You can skip past Little Garden with that. The island that Pose points to is uninhabited, and located right before Alabasta. Moreover, the route isn't known to Baroque Works, so you won't be chased."

"So she is good?" Nami mumbles incredulously.

"Why would you give this to me?!" Vivi demands.

"It's probably a trap," Zoro comments.

Robin continues to stare down at us impassively. "I wonder about that…"

"Forget your thingy! We don't need it!" Luffy announces, grabbing the Pose from Vivi's hands and shattering it in his fist. Everyone around me chokes, but I continue staring up at Robin through still blurry eyes.

I wonder…

What did she actually have to gain from giving us that?

Nami nails Luffy in the face with a kick. "ARE YOU AN IDIOT?!" she shrieks. "She went out of her way to give us a safer route! What if she actually is a good person?!"

Luffy glares up at Robin. "Don't you dare think you can choose the path of our journey!"

Robin blinks down at him. "...I see. How unfortunate." Nami makes more strangled shrieks and bops Luffy on the head again.

"She blew up that funny tube hair guy, so I hate her!" he proclaims, still glaring at Robin.

"I'm sorry to hear that. If you survive, I hope that we meet again," Robin says, suavely making her way across the deck.

"No!" Luffy grouches.

"Miss All-Sunday," I call. My throat is absolutely fried and I think she can see how bloodshot my eyes are. She looks at me with something akin to pity in her dark eyes. "Watch your back," I say quietly.

Her eyes flash with something indecipherable. "You as well, Detective," she croons. Between one blink and the next, she's jumped over the rail and onto the giant fucking turtle we hadn't noticed earlier.

The crew makes sounds of awe around me and Usopp and Sanji start asking about what happened. I'm hit with a solid wall of vertigo and start swaying in place. As the adrenaline of the situation wears off, I slump down, almost collapse, onto the person nearest me.

"Woah! Ed are you ok?" Usopp asks panickedly, his arms coming up to support me. I mumble something under my breath. "Huh?" he questions.

"I said I'm gonna hurl," I repeat, though it's muffled through my hands.

"What?! Don't do it on me!"

The nausea gets worse as I'm suddenly manhandled across the ship and my face is shoved in a bucket.

"WAIT WE CLEAN WITH THAT BUCKET—"

Notes:

Plot, lots of plot. When I said this saga was gonna suck for Ed I meant it. This is just the start of terrible things for them ahaha.

How did Shanks teach Luffy the Macarena? Because it's fucking funny. Ed dancing is something that can be so personal—

Counterfeit Arcade by Shayfer James is such a damn good album. His shit is gonna pop up a lot lmao.

Chapter 24: Chapter Twenty Four: Tell Me I'm Right, And Let The Sun Rain Down On Me

Summary:

Mona Lisa - Panic! At the Disco

I stare at him. "I just vomited all over your shoes, I look like I smoked an entire pot field, and I can barely hold this damn cup. Obviously I was drugged!"

Notes:

You get this extra long chapter a day early because I'm going to the beach tomorrow! I'm going to get so fucking sunburnt I just know it.

Got normal burnt by a hot thing at work AGAIN. I wear safety gear y'all I'm just fuckin stupid.

Aachria stop writing hurt/comfort and actually progress the plot challenge. Also please god I promise I like Vivi. I love her and her character is amazing. Just… keep that in mind for the rest of the saga I beg—

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Once all the contents of my stomach are expelled and I've been cleaned up, we all reconvene outside on the upper deck. Sanji pushes a mug full of ginger tea at me and Luffy has pressed himself so far into my side we may as well be a singular entity.

"So…" I start, spinning my mug in my hands, "what exactly happened?"

Vivi, Nami and Zoro all share glances before Nami takes initiative and starts explaining. "Uh, so basically… We were in a nest of bounty hunters who wanted to kill us and sell our heads to the government."

I roll my eyes and take a sip of my tea. "I knew that, I mean what happened while I was drugged."

"I'm sorry you got WHAT?" Usopp gapes.

I stare at him. "I just vomited all over your shoes, I look like I smoked an entire pot field, and I can barely hold this damn cup. Obviously I was drugged!"

"We can unpack that later. All you need to know is I kicked major ass, and I got you this," Zoro says smugly, tossing me a small pouch. I peek inside and yup, it's money. 8,000 berri to be exact.

"Did you steal this off a dead guy?"

"Yes."

"Thank you."

"Also Nami promised this random girl we'd save her country for money. By the way, how—"

Zoro is cut off by Vivi slamming her hands into the rail and glaring at me. "How the hell did you know who I was?!" She gives me this suspicious once over and narrows her eyes. "Are you a spy for Baroque Works?!"

I give her the most flat expression I can manage. "Yes. I'm a spy who joined this random guy in the middle of the East Blue knowing I'd eventually find you, a shame you discovered my evil plot."

I raise my eyebrow. She glares harder.

I give her a slow obvious once over to mimic hers. "I read the newspaper. Princess Vivi is currently 'missing', and you have bright blue hair that goes down to your ass. You're not exactly inconspicuous." Her face goes red and Usopp snrks under his breath

"Moving on," Nami grumbles. "Some stealing on my part and some fighting on Zoro's later, these two weirdos showed up."

Zoro nods, scratching his chin. "Some lemon girl and a dude. I think me and Luffy beat them?"

Nami rolls her eyes into the back of her skull. "More like they got caught in the crossfire. Our great idiot of a Captain tried to fight Zoro because he thought he beat everyone up for no reason!" Nami groans. I pause mid sip of my tea.

Oh, I forgot about that.

"Luffy?" I say seriously to the boy leaning into my side. He scooches a couple inches back so we're face to face. I look back and forth between him and Zoro, settling on my Captain. "I want to make something perfectly clear to you." I harden my face. "You never, never seriously fight your crewmates with the intent to harm unless they've done something truly heinous and unforgivable. Am I understood?"

They both nod solemnly in unison. "Yes Ed, sorry Ed."

I relax and pull Luffy back into my side. "Wonderful. What happened next?"

"Then that mean lady blew up the trumpet guy!" Luffy spits.

"I thought he had a saxophone?" I mumble.

"Either way I hate her," Luffy grouches.

"You seemed to know exactly who she was and what was going on earlier, why are you asking questions now?" Vivi demands, still glaring at me.

The hell did I do to piss her off so bad?

"I mean… I've mastered the art of pretending I know everything, and you guys are very easy to read, so…" I offer, frowning down at my tea.

"And Miss All-Sunday? You just happen to know who she was when she showed up?" Vivi presses.

I glare back at her. "I'd be kind of stupid not to. Even if she's much older, any idiot with a pair of eyes would recognize the goddamn Devil Child, Nico Robin."

Nami and Zoro choke. Usopp slams his face into the railing. Vivi's face goes white.

"Who?" Luffy questions, sticking a finger in my tea and licking it then making a face.

"Don't worry about it," I answer, moving my cup away from him.

"Are we just gonna move past that?" Usopp wheezes into the wood.

I take another long draw of my tea. "Yup. I think I got the gist, folks. Thanks for the catch up." Wait… isn't Mr. 5 supposed to fuck with our rum that sabatoges Dorry while we were there? "Hey, are we sure the ship didn't get tampered with while we were…indisposed?"

Usopp makes a thoughtful face. "I'll check it out in a bit. If anything is moved or missing I'll let everybody know."

There's nods all around, then silence on the ship for a few seconds.

Vivi shifts uncomfortably. "Is it really alright that I'm on your ship? I'm causing you a lot of trouble…" she mutters.

Nami gets right up in her face with a raised eyebrow. "It's a little late for that, dontcha think? If you didn't want to cause us trouble you shouldn't have told us who you were!"

Vivi grimaces. "Sorry for that."

Nami tosses a look over her shoulder at Luffy, who's still shoved into my side. "Ain't that right, Captain?"

He throws up a hand and announces "Yeah! I'm hungry too!"

I throw up a heavy arm as well. "Agreed! Food! Salmon if we have it!"

Sanji immediately jumps up and twirls across the deck. "I'll get right to work!"

Zoro sighs. "Either way, it looks like our destination is set."

Usopp's eyes shift nervously between us. "B — but remember what that lady said? Are we gonna die?!"

Luffy laughs. "Who knows? Let's go!"

We all nod without hesitation. "Right!"

—

After eating a delicious drug free meal, courtesy of Sanji (it was salmon, bless that man), I'm dragged off into the mens room by Luffy. We're followed by Nami Sanji and Zoro, while Usopp drags Vivi with him to check the ship.

"Why is this room always so filthy?" Nami complains, gingerly stepping over something or other Usopp had left out.

Zoro carelessly kicks it to the side on his way down. "Don't lecture us, you're the guest here."

She shoots him a glare. "And Ed isn't?"

Zoro rolls his eyes and flops down onto the couch. "Please, Whenever Luffy isn't shoved in the bed with Ed in your room, they're crashing with him on our couch."

Luffy all but tosses me on top of Zoro. We both make matching "oof!"s he ignores in favour of flopping down on top of us.

"Dual residency," I wheeze into the couch cushions.

After some shuffling and no small amount of manhandling, I'm shoved back first into Zoro's chest with Luffy splayed out on my stomach and curled up legs. Even more shuffling and finagling (and some kicking, if I'm being honest) later, we end up with Sanji sitting right beside us with Luffy's legs across his lap, and Nami crunched into the end of the couch.

"Guys this is very impractical. This couch was not made for this many people," I sigh, flicking Luffy's hat out of my face.

"You're telling me," Nami grumbles, elbowing Sanji in the side to get him to smoosh over.

"Alright you little shits, what's this about," I ask, glancing at each of their faces suspiciously. Each of them I can see look away and start whistling like they're trying to act inconspicuous. Zoro's hands come from behind my head and clamp over my eyes. "Hey—"

"Ed, we wanna talk about what just happened," Nami interrupts me. I still, my hands freeze where I was reaching up to move Zoro's.

Shit shit shit shit they know they know shit fuck shit—

"We're really worried about you," she continues.

"What would you have to be worried about..?" I ask, a shake in my voice and a nervous smile stretched across my lips I hope they don't gauge.

Sanji sighs. "Ed, please." A hand reaches out and grabs mine, though I can't tell who. "What happened to you back there obviously really got to you. We just wanna help," Sanji says, a pleading edge to his voice.

Oh they mean the drugging thing, thank god.

…

WAIT, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT EITHER!

"It's fine you guys, just leave it—"

"You keep saying that," Luffy interrupts me, voice stern and tone unwavering. "You always say it's fine, but it's not. We want you to talk to us." I gulp.

Oh god, am I ready for this kind of conversation?

"I—"

"Ed," this time Zoro interrupts me, "some polka dot chick said she gave you enough of whatever it was to knock out a horse. You bottle enough up as it is. Let us help with this at least."

Dear god, Mr. Emotional Constipation himself is worried. I must have looked fucking terrible.

My expression crumples under his hands. I slump back into his chest, pulling Luffy with me. "That wasn't… the first time that's happened," I say quietly. The hand holding might tightens, and I feel Zoro tense beneath me. "Nothing bad happened, I had someone taking care of me," I quickly add, which has Nami letting out a sigh of relief. "When I was 15, my sister took me to a bar because we thought it would be fun. It — uh, wasn't. Some guy spiked my drink and my sister had to take me home," I explain, burying my hands in Luffy's hair under his hat.

"I thought you didn't like your sister," Luffy mumbles into my knees.

I sigh. "No, I love her. We just… had something of a falling out. I made some — let's call them selfish choices that kinda… tore my family apart. She stopped wanting to talk to me after that." My crewmates are silent around me. "Not like it matters now. It's not like I'll ever see them again," I mutter into the crown of Luffy's head. Zoro uses the leverage of his hands on my face to yank my head back.

I blink from the sudden change of brightness and stare up into Zoro's serious face. "We like talking to you," he declares. I blink at him again.

"And we don't think you're selfish, either," Sanji pipes up, shaking my hand, which I realise he's the one holding.

"At least you can't be more selfish than me," Luffy states, staring up at me with those big black eyes of his.

"And we're not gonna let anything like this ever happen to you again," Nami announces fiercely.

I blink a couple more times, wet clinging to my lashes. "Oh," I say softly. Nami suddenly throws herself across all of us, kicking Sanji in the arm and completely squishing Luffy into my knees so she can throw her arms around me, accidentally punching Zoro in the face too.

"Ow!"

"Hey!"

"Ough!"

All the boys yell.

I can't help it. I burst into a terrible combination of ugly sobbing and wheezing laughter. We turn into a horrible amalgamation of twisting limbs and squirming that sends us all crashing off the couch to the cabin floor.

The rambunctious laughter doesn't stop for a second.

"Fuck, I love you guys!"

—

After that, I lock myself in the ladies cabin to finish what I had started the other day.

My Transponder rings for a beat before a familiar voice comes through. "Yeah?"

I nervously laugh. "Hi Jonah, sorry about uh… last time… But! I'd like to actually cash that favour in now!"

There's a long sigh from the snail. "Are you actually calling me back?" he groans.

I laugh again. "Yeah… Well I got roofied yesterday and I'm riding an emotional high so my inhibitions are all outta whack and I feel like this is a great idea."

There's a short silence. "...What?"

"Don't worry about it. Anyways, if I gave you a list of bounty hunters and some dumb codenames they go by, would you be able to get me pictures of them?"

Jonah pauses. "What makes you think we have pictures of bounty hunters?"

I snort. "Oh please, Intel and Bounty Division? Of course you keep an eye on potential threats. A bounty hunter is just one minor inconvenience away from a pirate." Zoro is proof enough of that.

He chuckles. "I can't say you're wrong. Second question; why do you think I'll help you?"

I hum. "Well first of all, you owe me that favour and you said yes so we're bonded for life now, and secondly… I am very pretty and I want you to?"

I'll admit, not my finest persuasion. But I'm tired! And trying!

"...Fine. I don't care enough to say no," Jonah sighs.

I whoop and jump up in my chair. "Wonderful! I'll be honest I only know a handful of their real names so I hope your office is up to date on epithets! Let's start with… Galdino, Mr. 3."

—

An hour or so later, I have a comprehensive list of names and abilities for each of the important figures in Baroque Works, and Jonah has a file of all their pictures ready to send to me.

"For my own sake I'm not going to ask any questions about what you're doing," he mutters. The snail gives me a pointed look. "You should really invest in a fax snail if you want this to be a regular thing."

I hum. "Maybe, but making you pay airfare is kind of funny."

Mr. President, wearing a facsimile of Jonah's face, glares at me. "You annoy me."

I wink. "It's my specialty."

Mr. Presidents face morphs as a new voice, muffled from distance, says something I can't decipher. Then it morphs back to Jonah's bored face. "Yeah, sure. Sorry Ed, I gotta go. I'll get those pictures sent in a second."

There's a click, and then the President's face is settling back into its own sleepy expression. "Sorry bud, that took way longer than I expected," I mumble, stretching out my back.

There's a knock on the hatch above me and Usopp's voice calls down, "Ed! Sanji made drinks! Come up here!"

Once I get up to the deck, a bright orange drink is passed to me. I nod my thanks to Sanji, who twirls away to pass drinks to Vivi and Nami.

Usopp waves me over as I take a sip. "We didn't find anything during our sweep of the ship except a barrel of utility alcohol that we tossed. It had some weird shit in it," he tells me.

Boom motherfucker, plot point avoided. Take that, canon.

…

Wait wasn't I trying not to fuck up the canon?

…Oops.

I grin and smack him on the back. "Wonderful job, Brave Warrior!"

He bats his eyelashes back. "I do try, First Mate."

Nami rolls her eyes at our antics. "The wind keeps stopping, so it might take a while to get to Little Garden," she says, stirring her drink.

I nod. "That's actually good, I wanna catch you guys up to speed on what I was working on down there." That catches everyone else's attention.

"So we finally get to see your secret project?" Usopp says, wiggling his eyebrows.

I plop down on the deck and spread out the sheets I had brought up. "Yessir! You'll have to make do without visuals for now, my pal should be sending some soon."

As my crewmates close in and start sitting in some loose approximation of a circle around me, Nami leans forward and grabs a sheet. "I didn't know you had other friends," she muses, smirking at me over the paper.

I snatch it from her hands with a glare. "Rude. Anyway, I figured we just stick with the top brass and officer agents we were most likely to have trouble with the closer we get to Alabasta." I flip the paper around and start pointing out names. "Let's start with… The Unluckies. Miss Friday who's a vulture, and Mr. 13 who's an otter. They're like the high speed messaging system for Baroque works, they probably took pictures of you guys to Crocodile. Then there's Gem and Mikita, also known as Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine. I think you met them already back on Whiskey Peak." I actually hadn't known their names before Jonah found them, so that's cool.

"Yeah… Booger guy and lemon girl," Zoro says, snapping his fingers.

I nod. "Yup, both Devil Fruit users as well. She can change her body weight at will and he can make explosives… out of his boogers."

It's such a stupid application of an objectively very strong Devil Fruit… What was this guy on?

"Next up, Babe and Drophy, or Mr. 4 and Miss Merry Christmas. She's got a Zoan Devil Fruit that turns her into a mole. The guy is one of the few officer agents without a Fruit, but his gun does have one." There's looks of confusion from the whole group. "It's a gun. That ate a Devil fruit. And is now also a dog," I elaborate. They do not look any less confused. "Whatever, moving on. Next up, and probably most important right now, Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek, Galdino and Marianne. He's got the Wax Wax Fruit, and she can fuck with emotions using paint. Don't ask me how that works — I don't know."

Nami raises an eyebrow from beside a rapidly souring Vivi. "Why are they the most important right now?"

I pull out another sheet. "My pal mentioned that their ship is the current closest to Little Garden, so they're most likely to catch up to us when we land there."

She nods. "That makes sense. But knowing their abilities should make fighting them a lot easier, right?"

There's a sudden squawk above us, and then an envelope and a newspaper smack into the deck in the middle of our makeshift circle. We all look up just in time to see a News Coo speeding off. I grab at the envelope and open it up.

Inside I find a pristine stack of pictures. I blink once. I blink twice. "Am I on crack or was that way too fast?"

Zoro pats me on the back. "Never underestimate the mail service."

Excuse — what the fuck?

Ok. Sure.

"...Right. So this is Mr. 3 and Miss Goldenweek. Keep an eye out for them," I say, holding up their pictures.

Vivi's face has gone entirely red. "How did you get all of this figured out?" she asks, eye twitching.

I shrug. "I know a guy. Besides," I shuffle through the stack until I find Crocodile's wanted poster from before he was a Warlord, which I asked Jonah to include, "it's an organization built on secrecy, this was handmade for me to tear down."

"I spent two years undercover and didn't get half this much… You sure are uh — something else," she grits out.

I toss my head like I'm flipping my hair. "Thank you darling, I just love a good mystery. It's like a puzzle game."

"Don't get too carried away with your 'mystery', my country is still in danger…" she mutters, worrying at her lower lip. I shoot a look at Zoro and shrug again.

"Well, why don't we retire to the galley for some lunch, hm?" Sanji asks, getting to his feet and offering me a hand. I shove all my papers into the envelope and take it.

Nami grabs the newspaper on her way up. "Am I the only person who finds it ridiculous that the morning paper doesn't even get here until the afternoon?" she grouch as we make our way up the stairs.

"Considering this is the Grand Line, we should just be thankful we get it at all," Vivi says with a smile. Then she gives me a slightly less enthused look. "Could I get a copy of all of that?"

I shrug and nod. "Yeah, you can just have these once we're done. We can go over the rest once we get closer to Alabasta."

As we sit at the table, the sweet smell of Sanji's cooking fills the space. I start drumming out a beat on the table with my fingers. Luffy zeros his eye in on them and smacks a palm on the table as well. "We still need a musician!" he announces.

Zoro scoffs but I just point at him. "True! Music is super important. Don't underestimate that shit, the impact of a good entrance or the mood of a room are all in the hands of the guy making the soundtrack. Back where I'm from, music is a big deal."

WAIT.

My eyes bug out and I slam my hands into the table. "Oh shit! I just realized I'll never get to listen to any music from home again!" Nami and Zoro wince. I smother my face in my hands with a low groan. "And thus Mitski is lost to the void… Never again will I hear Frank Sinatra…" I remove my hands to look up at our cook as he delivers a dish to the table. "You'd love him Sanji, he's got this beautiful crooning voice and his songs are so romantic. Real classy gentleman's music."

He smiles with his eyebrow raised. "Maybe this musician we'll be getting can play it some day."

I give him a dull look. "They won't know it. Shit man, you guys'll never listen to All Star as it was intended. That's sad."

This is making me incredibly upset. Never again will I cry on the bathroom floor listening to Lana Del Ray. This sucks.

"It's fine Ed, we can listen to new music!" Luffy comforts, sliding a half empty plate to me. Nami starts flipping open the newspaper and makes a quiet gasp.

"Something catch your eye?" Vivi asks with a smile.

"Uh — not really," Nami replies, quickly flipping the page.

Luffy reaches back for the plate I've mostly cleared off and does a double take at the paper. "Mmmh! Zoro, Ed look!"

Nami raises an eyebrow. "What? It's just some Marine guy?"

I lunge across the table to catch a peek. There in black and white is our little idiot Coby, tears running down his face and wrapped around an also crying Helmeppo. "That's not just any Marine guy, that's Coby!" Luffy says joyfully.

"Hah! He made it as a Marine!" I laugh.

"Coby..? He's that friend of yours you mentioned the other day, right?" Nami asks, moving the paper so we can see it better.

"Yeah! What's it say?" Luffy asks, leaving in further. I pull the last of the plate away so he doesn't kneel on it as he squirms across the table.

"Ah… Vice Admiral Garp's warship has arrived at Marine Headquarters. The picture shown here was taken right after they crossed Reverse Mountain. Just as expected, Vice Admiral Garp was relaxed and in control. Some young Marines did not fare as well," she reads off.

"Woah… So Coby has entered the Grand Line," Luffy awes.

"It said Marine Headquarters. Not bad," Zoro muses.

I burst into cackles. "And you see who's ship he's on?! Poor Coby!"

Luffy squints at the picture, then shivers. "Poor Coby…" he repeats.

The others give us odd looks but I just pat Luffy on the back as he crawls back across the table to shove himself between me and Zoro.

—

"Ok, who wants to call their loved ones first?" I announce after dinner.

Usopp's hand shoots right up. "Me!"

I nod. "A call to Kaya in Syrup Village it is. C'mon, you're getting special permission to chill in the gal's lounge for this."

Usopp whoops as he follows me down. I set the President up at the desk while Usopp makes himself comfortable on the bed. "Is the bed Nami's, or do you guys like… switch out?" he questions.

"Mind your own business. Hey Kaya!" I sing as Mr. President's face morphs into a sweet smile.

"Ed! I've been waiting for a call!" Kaya's voice filters through, a hint of static clinging to the edges.

Usopp lunges off the bed to snatch the transponder from my hand. "Hi Kaya! I'm here too!" he shouts into the mic.

I snatch it back from his hands with a glare. "You don't have to yell, Jesus. Ground rules before we start, please keep any… sensitive information to a minimum. I'm 80% sure we're being followed by a smokin' hot Marine Captain guy and we're probably being wiretapped."

That's how Smoker finds out about Baroque Works in the first place, right? He's got a black Transponder Snail that picks up Sanji and Crocodiles call, I think? Better safe than sorry.

"Does this have anything to do with your fancy new wanted poster?" Kaya asks with a giggle.

I groan. "I don't want to think about that. You shoot one rat and you're suddenly a criminal, bah!"

The President's smile gets bigger. "I saw your Captain's too, and Usopp! You're in both!" she says excitedly.

Usopp gets a proud smirk on his face. "Yep! I'm proud to say I'm two times as famous now. It's of course nothing compared to the bounty I amassed while in disguise on a foreign continent—"

I cut him off by smacking a hand over his mouth. "Keep the tall tales for later. I've still gotta force prince charming into talking with his dad, and Nami's calling home tonight. I'll leave you two to your catching up in a second, but Kaya! How's your doctor training going?"

The President's mouth drops into an O. "How'd you know about that?" she asks. I blink.

Oh right, she didn't tell us that.

"Lucky guess. So?"

The smile returns, bright and full of cheer. "It's been amazing! My health has improved by leaps and bounds since I've started travelling to the bigger city to study. Maybe some change of scenery was all I needed!" she laughs.

I flash a big smile. "That's great! You'll be one of the best, I'm sure. When we eventually get our ship's doctor I'll make sure you two meet."

The snail blinks. "Oh that would be wonderful!"

I snort. "Cool. I'll leave you lovebirds to it then."

Both Usopp and the snail turn bright red as I cackle my way up stairs and out the hatch.

Notes:

Smoker, listening in on the call: Did they just call me hot?
Tashigi, also listening in: Yes. Yes they did.

I'm very exited for Little Garden. This chapter is light on plot, but heavy on the family dynamic so it evens out.

AGAIN I REALLY LIKE VIVI BUT UUUUUUH — SHIT HAPPENS FOR PLOT REASONS, AIGHT?!

Chapter 25: Chapter Twenty Five: Ever Since You Came I'm Living Ultralife

Summary:

Ultralife - Oh Wonder

Luffy just keeps giggling. "You told me to take you with me when I do fun stuff, so I'm taking you with me!"

Notes:

This was originally named after a Smiths song until I realized it fit much better with something much later, so it's not anymore. Also outing myself as a Smiths enjoyer. I'm very sorry for this. There was almost three chapters in this saga titled after Smiths songs. So for that I'm even more sorry.

Something special about me is the fact that I can be the most lucky person on earth and not get my face burned at a beach, but still manage to burn the bottoms of my feet. Pro tip: DO NOT USE SUNSCREEN THAT EXPIRED IN 2010! (I did use unexpired sunscreen after I found out I promise, I was only *unexposed* for like an hour lmao)

This is just reminder I'm kind of an idiot 3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Aw, no snow. Too bad," Luffy complains.

Zoro raises an eyebrow at him. "Snow? In this climate?"

Luffy rolls across the railing, kicking his feet. "I mean, yeah. It already did once. You missed it 'cause you were sleeping, and Ed missed it because they were hiding."

I shoot him a glare from where I'm sitting on the floor doing a crossword from the paper. "I wasn't hiding. Nautical, second letter A, 6 letters."

Zoro thinks for a second. "Marine."

I scratch it in with a scowl. "Of course. Stupid Navy funded newspaper crossword…"

"Do you think it'll snow again?" Luffy directs at Vivi.

I tune out her long explanation because Sanji rolls out with a tray of bright mint green drinks. "Anyone want a special drink?" he announces.

"Woohoo!" Luffy, Zoro, Karoo, Usopp and I all shout, jumping the railing to grab one.

"Say, Usopp, can you make fishing gear?" Luffy asks around the straw in his mouth.

"Yeah sure," Usopp responds.

"Fishing ain't a bad idea," Zoro nods, taking a sip of his drink. I note with no small amount of glee that it matches his hair.

"I will not be participating in fishing," I state, taking a long refreshing sip of my own drink.

"Eh? Why not?" Luffy whines.

I shake my head. "Nope. Went fishing with my dad once and I managed to stab a hook through my finger and fall overboard. Not happening."

"Hey look, a dolphin!" Sanji suddenly announces. We all turn just in time to witness a dolphin the size of a fucking island jump out of the water in a huge arc right over us.

"IT'S HUGE!" everyone screams.

"I fucking hate dolphins!" I scream, shaking my head like a wet dog as we're sprayed with water.

"Why?" Zoro asks incredulously.

"They suck! Worst sea creature ever! Whale sharks are better!" I holler as we all start running to get the ship ready to ride the wake. I push Zoro out of the way as he runs into the galley to move the rudder. "You're not allowed to steer!" I yell at him. He loudly groans and runs the other direction to secure some rigging.

As the second wave hits us we go surging across the water. "Hard to port!" Nami calls from outside. I jam myself against the rudder in ordinance with her instructions. "That's definitely it, our next stop!" she announces.

I make my way back out to the bow of the ship as we watch Little Garden come into view. The island is shrouded in mist, with high mountains and multiple volcanos.

"Our second island in the Grand Line!" Luffy awes.

"We should be careful, I'm still worried about Miss All-Sunday's warning," Vivi states as we sail into a river that goes inland.

"Y — you don't think there are monsters, so you?" Usopp whimpers.

I slap Zoro on the chest. "5,000 berri says there's something batshit like dinosaurs on the island."

He rolls his eyes heavenward. "The Grand Line is weird, but not that weird. You're on."

This motherfucking will never learn.

"We also have to stock up on food, since we didn't get any on the last island," Sanji mentions.

"I don't know, Usopp might be right on this one. Just look at the plants here, I've never even seen this stuff in books," Nami says, staring into the jungle with trepidation.

"Yeah… I'm not super thrilled about us trying to eat any of the megafauna or flora in this place," I add, squinting at a pair of glowing eyes in the dense foliage.

There's a loud and shrill squawk from above us that sends both Usopp and Nami squealing. "How cute!" Sanji fawns.

Usopp peeks over his shoulder with a wink. "You mean me?"

Sanji's face drops into a glare. "I obviously meant Nami!"

"What the fuck was that?!" Nami yells.

"Just a bird, perfectly harmless just like this jungle." Sanji says with a smile, while a giant prehistoric bird swoops in behind him. Nami and Usopp scream and hit the deck while I tackle Sanji out of the way. "What the hell's the matter with you, you damn bird?!" he screams up at the retreating creature. Then he turns to me, still on top of him, with a gooey smile. "Thank you for saving me, Ed!" he croons.

I give an unattractive snort and rise back to my feet, offering him a hand. "Yeah, anytime pretty boy."

He practically melts, grabbing my hand and leaning on my legs. "You called me preeettyyy!" he cries, rubbing his face on my pants.

I gently kick him off. "Ok, calm down now."

There's a sudden loud crash that rumbles around us. "Does that sound like a harmless jungle?!" Nami cries.

"That sounded like a volcano erupting! We're all gonna die!" Usopp shrieks.

Deep growls come from the jungle adjacent to us, and a giant tiger who's glowing eyes I had spotted earlier stalks out. The tiger immediately collapses to the ground spewing blood from its mouth.

"This is definitely not normal! Why would a giant tiger just keel over covered in its own blood?!" Nami screams, grabbing at her hair.

"Log Pose and food be damned, we're staying off that damn island!" Usopp declares, sweat pouring off his body in sheets.

"We can just quietly wait on the ship for the Log Pose to reset! When it's done we leave immediately!" Nami demands as we come to a stop and Zoro drops the anchor over the side of the ship.

I'm relieved at least these two have some common sense. Not that it'll matter.

Luffy starts giggling. "Sanji! Prepare two lunchboxes!"

Sanji gives him a weird look. "Huh? Lunchboxes?"

I also look at him strangely. "Two?"

Luffy grins and nods his head. "Yeah, pirate lunches! Me and Ed are going on an adventure!"

…Wait.

"I'm sorry, why am I coming with you?" I gape.

Luffy just keeps giggling. "You told me to take you with me when I do fun stuff, so I'm taking you with me!"

Does he mean what I said back in goddamn Shell Town? He has a habit of latching onto the weirdest things…

"W — wait just a second! Where the hell do you think you're going?!" Nami yells, jumping in between him and Sanji.

"Adventure, fun stuff, wanna come along?" Luffy replies with a laugh, wiggling his arms like a lunatic. Nami's face crumples as she realizes it's futile to argue with him. "Sanji! Lunch!" Luffy chants.

Sanji sighs and turns to head into the galley. "Alright, hang on a moment."

Luffy cheers and swings one of his arms over my shoulders. He starts doing a stupid little jig, still wiggling his free arm.

"Say, could I come with you?" Vivi asks with a smile.

"Sure, sounds great!" Luffy says, spinning me in a circle and jumping back and forth.

"Ah ah ah!" I tut, wagging a finger at her. "Only if you show me how to use that cannon I — uh… repossessed from you!"

She raises an eyebrow. "You kept that?"

I squint at her. "...Yes. And you can't have it back!"

She narrows her eyes but shakes her head. "That's fine. I wasn't very fond of it anyways."

I give her a thumbs up. "Then you can come!"

"Wait what?! NO!" Nami squawks.

The smile returns to Vivi's face. "Yeah… just sitting around here would do nothing but make me worry. So I may as well keep myself busy!"

Nami violently shakes her head. "No way! It's way too dangerous for you out there!" she shrieks.

Vivi giggles. "I'll be fine, I'll have Karoo with me!" The duck in question drops his beak open to the ground in shock.

"Your trusty bodyguard looks too scared to even quack," Nami says with a grimace.

Sanji pokes his head out the galley. "I'll pack you a lunch as well, Vivi!" he calls.

She smiles brightly up at him. "Thank you! While you're at it, could you get something for Karoo?"

"But of course, just leave it to me!" he laughs, going back inside.

"Oh wait!" I suddenly jolt out from under Luffy's arm to fish something out of my pockets. I brandish two of the cans of bug spray I picked up in Loguetown. "Prehistoric island's got evil bugs with prehistoric illnesses. Gotta stay safe!" I declare, shaking my cans.

I hose down Luffy Vivi Zoro and Usopp, then absolutely drench Nami. "Hey! What's the big idea?" she grouches, waving in front of her face.

"Just a precaution!" I sing, tossing her the other can.

I toss a can each to Zoro, Usopp, and spray down Sanji and hand him another as he exits the galley with a backpack full of three lunches. Nami gives the can I threw her an experimental shake, then sprays me down as well. I blink at her.

"You forgot to get yourself," she says with a wink, pressing the can back into my hands. "And I'm staying right here on this ship, so I won't be needing this." I give her a grimace and a pointed look around the ship then to the jungle. She glares at me while Sanji situates the backpack on Luffy's back, then points to the jungle. "Get the fuck off."

I snicker and trot over to the rail as Luffy jumps off. I throw myself over and yell, "catch me or I'll cry!" down at him.

"Huh — ACK!"

He actually does catch me. On his head. When I fall on top of him. Thank god his stupid ass is made of rubber or that would have hurt like a bitch. Vivi hops down on Karoo's back beside us.

"...What are you two doing?" she asks, her face oddly looking like she's watching the live birthing of a calf. I mean, whatever the hell it is that me and Luffy are doing to try and detangle ourselves might be pretty close.

Once we're up and Luffy's backpack is back to being secure, he starts bounding off into the jungle. "Alright, let's go!" he hollers. I heave a long groan and take off after him, Vivi and Karoo right behind me.

—

I force Luffy to slow down to a brisk speed walk after the first ten minutes because my ass is still not a distance runner, and as a gay person, speed walking is my specialty.

We find weird shit all throughout the jungle, a strange bug Luffy tries to stick in his mouth, a strange plant Luffy tries to stick in his mouth, and a strange fruit off a tree he actually succeeds in sticking in his mouth.

It's bigger than his head, so I have to smack him on the back to dislodge it from his throat. He spits the massive things out on the ground, and for a second I think he's torn his throat open because thick red spills out of his mouth.

"Oh my god are you ok?!" Vivi shrieks.

Luffy wipes it off his chin and stares at it. I poke at the fruit. "He's fine, the juice inside this thing just looks like blood." I turn to my Captain with a glare. "Don't stick any more shit in your mouth." He gives me a begrudging nod.

After that, it doesn't take very long for our journey to intercept a wide river. It's slow moving and seemingly shallow around the banks, but still an obstacle for my hammer of a Captain.

Speaking of which, I can see him searching the opposite bank for something to grab onto to swing us over. I shut that down immediately.

"I am not flying air mail across this fucking thing. Just get on my back, I'll swim us across," I state, crouching down for him to climb on.

"Okay!" Luffy says, hopping onto my back and forcing an "oof!" from my mouth.

"Are you sure? Karoo could give all of us a ride over if you want to save your energy…" Vivi says hesitantly.

I wave her off as I start wading into the cold water. "Don't bother. If it suddenly drops off at some point I'd hate to drown your duck pal with a load bigger than he can handle."

I glance over my shoulder just in time to catch the pinched expression she's sending me before it smooths out and her and Karoo are following me into the river.

I'm able to comfortably trot across the thigh deep water for a good ten feet before I abruptly step into open water. "Woah! See, I was right. It gets really deep here, be careful," I call back to Vivi before plunging in.

Luffy goes boneless on my back as we submerge neck high. I can hear the splashes from Karoo behind me and I paddle across. Thank fucking god I'm as strong a swimmer as I am, or this would be such a pain.

"And I'm proud to be a swimerican, where at least I know I'm free~" I quietly sing to myself. Luffy giggles sluggishly from my back. In no time at all I'm back to trudging through muddy banks and gently depositing my soggy Captain on the ground.

He shakes his hair out like a wet dog then springs back up with renewed energy. "Yosh! Let's go!"

"Wait a second!" I stop him. I pull out one of my cans of bug spray and spray him again. "I'm not taking chances, that little dip of ours probably washed all this shit offa you."

He scrunches his nose. "But it smells weird," he complains.

I flatten my face. "Deal with it, Elastigirl."

Vivi and Karoo finally make it up to the bank and Vivi hops down. "Would you mind if I borrowed that?" she asks, hand out for the spray.

I shrug and toss her the can. She shakes it a little then starts spraying down the duck. "I'd hate for Karoo to get sick," she mumbles when she's satisfied with her work.

She goes to hand me back the can but I shake my head. "You hang onto it."

Vivi blinks at me in surprise before retracting her hand. "Alright," she says quietly. Karoo nudges his beak into the can and points it back at her. Her eyes widen in understanding.

I turn back to Luffy where he's crouched at the bank looking at something in the water. There's more sounds of the can going off behind me and a soft murmur of, "almost forgot myself…" that I ignore in favour of the thing Luffy's fished out of the water.

"Check it out! It's a clam that looks like a squid! A clam-squid!" he exclaims, holding the poor creature up by the shell.

"It kinda looks like an ammonite…" Vivi gasps, coming up for a closer look.

I raise an eyebrow at her. "So you know all about prehistoric marine life, do you?"

Her lip juts out and her face goes pink. "So what?" she mutters under her breath. Luffy starts shaking the creature while its tentacle things start wriggling.

"Luf don't do that, you'll rattle it's poor brain," I tut, snatching the creature from his hands. "I used to collect fossils of these shits. This is so cool!" I gush, placing it back in the water. It's at that point we hear some crashing and interesting noises above and behind us.

The Jurassic Park theme starts playing in my head at top volume as we gaze up at the fucking dinosaur behind us. "Oh. Ok," I deadpan. Vivi makes a strangled yelp beside me.

"What's a Sea King doing on land?" Luffy asks.

"It's a goddamn Brontosaurus! We in the fucking late Jurassic period!" I yell, laughing like a maniac. I can hear Vivi start to mutter under her breath about something or other.

Between one blink and the next, Luffy's crazy ass is slingshotting himself up and on top of the dinosaur. "Luffy!" Vivi yells from beside me.

I whistle appreciatively up at the huge creature. "Wowie. That thing is tall."

"Are you insane?! Ed, stop him!" Vivi screeches.

I cringe away from her, hands smacking down on my ears. "Good god, calm down. Worst thing that could happen is him getting eaten."

Her eyes bug out and her face gets angrier. "THAT WOULD BE TERRIBLE!"

"There's some weird holey rocks! Let's go check it out!" Luffy hollers from far above us.

I give him a thumbs up he probably can't see. "Sure thing, Captain!" Vivi muffles her screeches into her hands. Then the dinosaur tosses his head back, throwing Luffy into the air, and swallows him in one gulp. Vivi immediately starts screaming. I stare on in exhausted incredulity. "Ah. Shit."

There's a loud whistle as the air splits and the dinosaur's head is sliced clean off. Rising high behind the collapsing body of the dinosaur is the hulking form of Dorry.

He has a huge grinning smile through an incredibly long beard. A giant sword is held in one hand and a shield is strapped to the other. He has a huge billowing cape on his shoulders, and a morion-esque helmet with viking style face gear that sits atop his head.

As Luffy falls out of the dinosaur's decapitated head, he lands in the palm of Dorry's shield adorned hand. He bellows out his signature laugh. "Gegyagya! Aren't you a lively one! I haven't had any guests in a long time!"

I sock a frozen Vivi on the shoulder. "See? Just fine! Jesus, this guy is huge!" I laugh. "Luf! Introduce us to your new friend!" I holler up. Vivi looks at me in unabashed horror. Luffy peeks down at us over the side of Dorry's massive hand.

Dorry himself laughs again. "I'm Elbaf's strongest warrior, Dorry! Let me invite you folks to my place!"

—

Dorry carries us (and may I just, getting carried in the hand of a giant is so fucking awesome what has my life become—) back to his home at one of the huge 'holey rocks' Luffy had seen earlier.

He sets us up with a couple huge chunks of meat he cooked up from the Brontosaurus he murdered in exchange for me and Luffy's lunches. Luffy has chewed out a small crater in the meat that he and I are sitting in.

"This is really good, Mr. Giant!" Luffy cheers, cheeks stuffed with food.

I give him a wide grin and two thumbs up. "Excellent cooking, Mr. Dorry!"

A laugh explodes out from his chest. "Gegyagya! And your little pirate lunch boxes are pretty good too! Though they are a little small!"

"You bet it is! I would have kicked your ass if you said it tasted bad!" Luffy cackles.

Dorry wheezes, slapping his leg. "Aren't you a funny one!"

I gnaw on a fistful of meat. "Humour is our crew's specialty."

"So why're ya living here alone anyways? Do you not have a village or something?" Luffy asks through full cheeks.

"I do. It's called Elbaf, a village for warriors. It's out on the Grand Line." He leans his giant head down toward us. "But my village has a certain rule."

Luffy hums. "Rule?"

Dorry nods. "If a fight breaks out in my village and you can't settle it on your own, then we beseech our God Elbaf for his judgement. Whoever he decides is righteous he gives victory and divine protection. I've gotten into a quarrel myself, so this island serves as the battleground of me and another giant. The one in the right shall survive and triumph." Dorry's face splits into a wide smile and he throws his head back. "But it's been one hundred years since! We just can't seem to settle our duel! Gegyagya!" he laughs.

Luffy learns forward. "You've been fighting for over a hundred years?!" he awes.

Dorry grins down at us. "It's nothing to be surprised about, a giant's lifespan is three times you humans. Gegyagya!"

I snort. "Dude, that's still a third of your life! Just do rock paper scissors or some shit!"

He laughs again. "I don't know what that is!"

"Even if your lives are longer, how could you still want to fight after a hundred years?! At this point is there any reason to keep fighting?!" Vivi yells from the ground. "You're trying to kill each other—"

Vivi's rant is cut short by the volcano in the middle of the island erupting. "Whoa! That's some explosion!" Luffy awes, both him and I sliding to the ground.

Dorry rises from his seat. "Looks like it's time to get going…" he mumbles. "Not sure when exactly we decided it, but the eruption of that volcano is the signal for battle," he explains, cracking his knuckles.

"What?! You can't possibly hate each other so much you'd want to keep killing each other for this long!" Vivi yells again. "Just what could have made you this mad—"

Luffy cuts her off by slapping a hand over her mouth. "Stop. It's not about that anymore," he announces, staring up at Dorry with a glow to his eyes.

Dorry faces forward with a determined smile, sword at the ready. "Yes. It's about pride now." Dorry launches forward, we almost lose sight of him over the top of the trees. A resounding clang sends a shockwave through the island. "We forgot the reason ages ago!"

Luffy is staring up with awe clear on his face. He flops on his back onto the ground. "I'm beat. They're just sooo huge!"

I train my eyes on the fight. "You can say that again."

Notes:

E. D. "Refuses to button up their shirt out of spite no matter the situation" Domino, being confronted by the Little Garden jungle: Ahhhh. Ah fuuuuck.

Let's talk about how banger the end song for Little Garden is. Please. It's so good.

Y'all ready for some shenanigans, skullduggery, and good ol' fashion fisticuffs?

Chapter 26: Chapter Twenty Six: I Keep Coming Up Short

Summary:

Amsterdam - Imagine Dragons

Dorry frowns down at me. "Tampered with, eh? That's too bad, I've missed rum." He picks up the two barrels and juggles them in his hand for a second before tossing them off into the woods. They disappear through the canopy, then there's a bang and a plume of smoke goes up from that direction.

Notes:

This song unironically changed my brain chemistry. Imagine Dragons music is peak and I'm tired of pretending it's not. Honest to god a top five song for me.

Y'all exited for the Gear 5 episode? I'm more exited about it than my birthday. The two events are separated by a matter of hours. Living well.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Dorry and Brogy's duel ends with a tie. Again. It's short, brutal, and ends with shields to their faces. The loud laughter of the two giants echoes through the forest. Then Dorry, beat up and bruised, comes lumbering back to the clearing we're sat in.

He drops to the ground with a couple barrels in hand, big smile slapped on his face. "It seems Brogy has a couple guests of his own!"

"A long nosed fella and an orange haired gal?" I guess.

He lets out a hearty laugh. "Gegyagya, yup!"

Luffy crosses his legs and starts tilting back and forth beside me. "Must be Nami and Usopp! They said they weren't even gonna get off the ship! Maybe they really do like adventures…"

"Sorry to change the subject, but does it really take a whole year for the Log to reset on this island?" Vivi asks, worry soaking her tone.

Dorry nods. "Haven't you noticed all the little human skeletons lying around? Most of those who come to this island end up dying before their Log resets." He counts off his giant fingers on one hand. "Eaten by dinosaurs, dying of heat or exhaustion, some hunger, or trying to attack us. Whatever the case, they all end up dying on this island. Seems like a single year is just too long for you little humans to survive here."

Vivi smashes her face into her hands. "What do I do… Even if I survive on this island until then, who knows what will become of my country…" she cries.

"Nah dude, I'll get eaten in less than a month if we stay that long," I say with a grimace.

Luffy groans. "Yeah, and spending a whole year here would get kinda boring. Isn't there some other way, mister?"

Dorry shakes his head. "The only Eternal Pose I've got leads to Elbaf. In a way it's what me and Brogy have been fighting for this whole time." He somehow gets across that he's wiggling his eyebrows from under his helmet. "You wanna try taking it by force?"

Luffy throws his head back with another groan. "That's no good. We're not trying to get to Elbaf, just the next island. Right?"

Vivi tilts her head to the ground. "Yes. If we veer off our current course to Alabasta, there's no point…"

"Maybe you should just sail forward randomly, if you're lucky you'll get there! Gegyagya!" Dorry suggests, slapping his giant knee.

Luffy burst out laughing. "Shishishi! I think that just might work!"

I can't hold back a snort as they both start laughing louder. It dissolves into full blown cackles from all three of us as Vivi shoots us disappointed looks.

"Gegyagya! Well either way, we found these barrels of rum out in the woods to enjoy!" Dorry announces, cracking one of the barrels he brought over open.

I frown up at them. "Wait! Wait, can I see one of those real quick?"

He shrugs a massive shoulder and lowers the barrel to the ground. Peeking inside, everything looks fine right up until I notice these small pellets of… something near the bottom of the barrel.

"Hey, this looks tampered with. Usopp found some of the same shit in a barrel of alcohol we had for cleaning on our ship. Sorry Mr. Dorry, we're being chased by some real underhanded fuckers. You might be getting caught in the crossfire," I call up.

We all stare for a second.

"Geez. Glad that didn't happen in my stomach!" Dorry laughs.

I grimace. "No kidding."

Vivi is still staring off at the column of smoke. "Does that mean Baroque Works is already on the island?" she asks, horror filling her tone.

"Not only that, it's probably Mr. 5's team and Mr. 3's team. That's four officer agents out here trying to kick our asses," I state, taking a quick glance at the surrounding woods. Nothing jumps out at me as suspicious, so I turn back around.

"What a bunch of jerks!" Luffy huffs.

Dorry throws his head back and starts laughing. "Gegyagya! I sure appreciate the concern, but whatever small fries are chasing you don't have a snowball's chance in hell of taking down me—"

Something shoots past my head, Vivi's hair swinging forward from the sheer force and speed of it. Dorry makes a strange choking sound, then looks down at us with wide eyes. He scrambles back a few paces and opens his mouth again.

"You better ru—"

A crack like thunder sounds, muffled but still incredibly loud. Dorry's eyes roll back as smoke and flames explode out of his mouth. He collapses to the ground with a tremendous bang.

"MR. DORRY!"

"GIANT GUY!"

"HOLY SHIT!"

Luffy and Vivi run forward to check on the giant. I whip around to the jungle I had just scanned. There's still nothing. "Those Baroque sons of bitches! Where the fuck are they!" I roar, stalking toward the treeline with my pistol drawn.

There's loud hacking and the wet splash of blood on the ground behind me. "Mr. Dorry please take it easy!" Vivi cries. I turn back around to see Dorry slam his sword into the ground to leverage himself up.

"What — *hack* an underhanded *cough* trick!" Dorry gargles. Blood is slipping between his teeth and staining his beard. His hand slips off the handle and he faceplants on the ground.

"OH MY GOD THE OLD GIANT GUY DIED!" Luffy screams, eyes bugging out of his face.

"No! He's fine, I think he just passed out from his injuries!" Vivi sighs, a hand coming up to run through her hair.

"Shit shit shit! How the hell did they manage that even without the fucked up rum?!" I mutter under my breath, pacing back and forth still staring at the trees.

"It seemed like some kind of projectile," Vivi states.

I shoot her a glare over my shoulder. "No shit! From where?!" She looks taken aback by my aggression, but I just keep pacing and bring my hands up to tug on my hair.

Fuck fuck fuck! I could have avoided the whole wax cake affair with that!

"Ed, you think—" Luffy is cut off by the central volcano suddenly going off. All three of us curse at varying volumes. Dorry stirs from where he's on the ground, fists slamming into the ground and pushing himself upright. "Wait, giant guy! Don't go!" Luffy yells.

"Mr. Dorry, you have to rest! You'll die if you push yourself too hard!" Vivi cries.

"Yeah dude, you gotta sit this one out!" I call frantically.

"I am the warrior Dorry… I will fight for Elbaf's honour and to uphold my pride as a warrior!" he grits out. We stare up at him in shock. Dorry rises to his feet, heaving heavy breaths and leaning heavily on his sword.

"Hey, maybe sometimes pride is admitting that you aren't doing so hot?!" I shout, shaking Luffy by the shirt as Dorry takes a couple staggering steps away from us.

He turns to the giant 'holey rock' and grabs onto it firmly. He lets out loud grunts as he lifts the massive thing and turns back to us. "He picked up that huge rock! That's so cool!" Luffy awes.

Vivi slowly backs up. "Luffy…" she starts trepidatiously.

Luffy's eyes widen as the rock drops toward us. He slams his palm into my chest and I go flying backwards, smacking into Vivi with a shriek as I tumble to the ground.

"What're you doing?! Are you nuts?! Take this thing offa me!" Luffy hollers. As the dust clears we can see him half stuck under the massive structure.

"I can't stop," Dorry announces. "It's been over a century… since we started this duel… injured or not, you can't run from a battle you've started…" Dorry heaves a couple more breaths, turning in the direction of the volcano. "It would be like running from the title of warrior. If I were no longer a warrior… I would no longer be me," he declares. Then he glances at us over his shoulder. "Whether these people were after you or not, this is a judgement from Elbaf, God of war. I didn't have my God's protection, nothing more."

His loud stomping steps echo through the clearing as he makes his way away from us.

"Gods and divine protection have nothing to do with this! If a god told you to die, would you?! Someone has interfered with your duel!" Luffy screams, fists clenched on the ground. Dorry pauses in his steps. "And a duel that has been interfered with isn't a fair fight anymore! Isn't that right?!"

"Silence!" Dorry shouts. "What could you know of this? You've only lived for 10 or 20 years, you couldn't possibly understand the ways of the warriors of Elbaf!" Then he continues to walk.

Luffy starts slamming his hands into the rock. "Who cares about that?! Get this damn thing off me! Hey! Old guy! Come back!" Luffy hollers. Dorry doesn't look back again. Luffy continues slamming his fists into the ground with wordless yells, his slamming gets so vigorous his hat goes flying off. "Damnit! Of course as soon as I meet a great warrior this happens!" I start pacing again and checking my pistol to confirm it's fully loaded. "Who did this?! I'll kill them!" Luffy grits into the ground.

I start grumbling under my breath and glaring into the jungle. I almost think I see something shift. Isn't Usopp on his way?

"I'd say we have less than five minutes before everything goes tits up," I state.

"This isn't already tits up?" Vivi asks incredulously.

There's a sudden and familiar high pitched scream that echoes from the forest, then Usopp is hurtling through the underbrush and slamming face-first into a rock.

I sigh. "…Make that one minute."

"WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE! NAMI WAS EATEN BY A DINOSAUR!" Usopp, face scuffed and nose slightly crooked, screams.

Luffy's jaw drops open. "Seriously?!"

I smack my hands into my cheeks. "Goddamnit!"

"We were running through the jungle, and suddenly she's gone! What am I gonna do?! I let my friend die!" Usopp wails while Luffy starts screaming and I groan into my hands.

"Wait a minute, calm down! You said she disappeared, you can't be sure she was eaten!" Vivi reasons.

"Well it's not like I could stop and check! If it wasn't a dinosaur, it was some other kind of beast!" Usopp hollers in her face.

"I don't know for sure, but if Baroque Works really is on the island, it's possible they kidnapped Nami," Vivi explains.

"Baroque Works is on the island?! Why would they only catch Nami and not me?!" Usopp shrieks.

"You aren't on their hit list yet. Zoro, Vivi, Luffy, and Nami are all targets because of what happened on Whiskey Peak," I state, still staring at the treeline.

"With the rum situation, it really is the most likely scenario," Vivi agrees, looking around the clearing with worry plain on her face.

"Rum?" Usopp questions.

While Vivi starts explaining the situation to Usopp and he starts freaking out, I start to inch toward the jungle. That hint of movement I saw earlier, which I initially had assumed was an approaching Usopp, came from an entirely different direction than where Usopp came barrelling out.

I squint into the underbrush. Then there's a tremendous crash and I turn just in time to see a literal fountain of blood spray up in the distance. "No…" I mumble with dawning horror.

Luffy starts smashing his head into the ground and screaming. "WHO WAS IT?! WHO DID THIS?!" he screams.

"Start digging yourself out like a dog," I suggest. Luffy gives me a determined nod and starts doing just that.

"Don't worry Luffy, I'll find them!" Usopp announces with shaking knees.

"No need," comes an arrogant voice behind us. I whip back around. Standing at the edge of the clearing where I had seen the damn movement is Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine, a beat up Karoo slung over Mr. 5's shoulder.

"It's you!" Luffy growls.

Mr. 5 tosses Karoo across the clearing. "You can have this back. We don't need him," 5 states.

Vivi dashes forward and skids across the ground to her duck, hands hovering over him worriedly. "Why did you do this?! Karoo never did anything to you!" she shouts.

Mr. 5 stares at us impassively. "You're right. That bird had nothing to do with this. But… We needed to get our hands on your Strawhat man." He gives us a wry smile, more akin to a grimace if anything. "All your bird had to do was squawk and lure you three out here, but he really pissed me off," he continues as Vivi's face drops, fury taking over her features. "Seems that boy can't move anymore though, so we no longer have need of him."

Miss Valentine starts laughing her irritating ass laugh.

"I'll kill you…" Vivi grits out.

"Are you the ones who put a bomb in the rum?!" Usopp shouts.

Mr. 5 snrks. "Yeah, that was us."

I growl under my breath. "Ok enough of this shit. You here to dance? Lets fucking dance," I grunt, pointing my pistol at the newcomers.

The pair stare at me unperturbed. "That one on the list?" 5 asks.

"Nope, but we should probably kill them anyway," Valentine replies.

"Try it," I say, steadying my hand and firing.

Six bullets left.

Valentine floats up into the air with her umbrella open, and 5 leans to the side. The bullet lands somewhere among the trees. Usopp saddles up next to me, slingshot raised at 5 while Vivi pulls out her Peacock Slashers.

Vivi charges at a descending Valentine, while Usopp shoots an explosive at 5. Through the smoke a black pellet comes rocketing at us. I send a prayer to a god I don't believe in and shoot again. The pellet explodes midair and I can feel the wave of heat wash across my face.

Five bullets. I can't belive I fucking hit that oh my god—

Vivi lets out a cry as she comes skidding past me and Usopp, apparently kicked by Valentine. Usopp charges past me at 5, and gets blown up for his troubles. Valentine jumps into the air and descends on him at high speeds, planting him in the ground like a carrot.

As the dust clears 5 comes lunging forward at me. I shoot again and miss, it flies wide past his head.

Four bullets left.

It's nothing but muscle memory from play fighting with my sister as a kid that sends my leg kicking up into his outstretched hand.

The bomb he was shooting careens off into some other part of the clearing. He grunts and lashes out with his other hand, fist planting itself firmly in my face. My head snaps back, eyes involuntarily watering as my feet fly out from under me.

There's another shout from Vivi, then what sounds like choking. When I dazedly blink my eyes back open I can see Vivi held by her neck by 5, and a rapidly falling and laughing Valentine gunning right for my head.

My eyes widen. "ED MOVE!" Luffy screams. I roll to my left and my back is showered in flying rock fragments as she slams into the ground where I was. I shove my pistol back in its holster and scream, scrambling backwards while coughing out dust.

A foot slams onto my back and sends me sprawling on my sore face. "Calm down. We're not going to kill you just yet," Mr. 5 chuckles. "We're just here to abduct you. Those were Mr. 3's orders."

I crane my neck back to glare at him. "Fuck you and your candle loving buddy," I snarl.

Valentine strides up to stand over me. She hums. "You know, I think I recognize this one from a new bounty poster. 10,000,000 berri if I remember correctly."

I snap my teeth at her.

5 chuckles behind me. "That so? Guess we'll take this one with us as well."

Valentine jams a foot into my stomach that has me wheezing onto the ground. She grabs me in a surprisingly strong grip and hauls me to my feet, holding my arms behind my back in a vice.

"You guys are gonna PAY FOR THIS!" Luffy screams, clawing at the ground.

Mr. 5 tosses Vivi onto the ground, where Miss Valentine plants a foot on top of her to keep her still. He stalks past us toward Luffy. My eyes widen and I start struggling and flailing in Valentine's grip.

"Don't touch him! Stay the fuck away from my Captain!" I shriek.

I'm ignored. Mr. 5 sets off an explosion in the face of Luffy while Miss Valentine laughs like a hyena behind me.

"Consider this payback for Whiskey Peak. You should learn to mind your own business, now we have your swordsman and that other girl," 5 sneers.

"You caught Zoro?" Luffy chokes out. "You're in more trouble than I thought."

Mr. 5 smirks down at him. "Oh? You still have energy to talk?"

Luffy wheezes a laugh into the dirt, "you guys suck," and he spits on 5's shoe. I can't help the snort I let out. Valentine shoots me a glare I smirk at.

The smirk drops as Mr. 5 rears his leg back and plants an explosive kick in Luffy's face. "STOP! KNOCK IT OFF!" I howl, struggling against Valentine with renewed desperation. She holds fast, shrieking her hideous laugh all the while.

Explosion after explosion rocks the clearing while I continue to scream bloody murder. I nearly scream myself hoarse before Mr. 5 is satisfied with his level of destruction. Luffy's hand reaches out of the smoke before falling limp to the ground.

I slump in on myself, staring down at the ground and trying to blink tears out of my eyes. Mr. 5 strolls up and hauls Vivi over his shoulder and motions for Miss Valentine to follow him.

He's going to be fine, you know he's going to be fine. Calm down and figure a way out of this situation.

—

The two of them drag us out of the clearing away from my charred companions. I let my feet drag just to annoy Valentine as we trek through the jungle. Strange noises come from every direction, and I swear something is following us.

An idea lights up in my mind.

I pay special attention for the next minute. I clock onto the fact that Valentine's grip loosens ever so slightly every time she climbs over an obstacle.

You messed with the wrong detective, fuckface.

The next time she steps up onto a log I rip my arms out of her hands.

"Are you kidding?" she groans, lunging for me. I drop to the ground and roll into the underbrush, then jump to my feet and take stock of my surroundings.

Lots and lots of trees, fucking fantastic. Hey wait, trees with a familiar looking fruit!

Checkmate, you sour bitch.

I can hear Valentine stomping forward, so I take off into the jungle. I snatch one of the huge fruits as I run, searching around frantically. I spot what was following us at that point. A giant Stegosaurus stares at me while I charge right towards it.

"OH MY GOD A DINOSAUR!" I scream, tossing the fruit at its face and sliding under it into a bush. I hear a snap as its jaw closes around the fruit. I try to quiet my breathing as much as humanly possible and pray once again to whatever god will listen.

"Shit! Our bounty got eating by a fucker dinosaur!" I can hear Valentine hiss.

"You let Ed get eaten?! ED!" Vivi shrieks. Aw man, I almost feel bad. Eh, she'll be fine.

"Nevermind them, we only actually need the princess," Mr. 5 declares.

Suckers.

Notes:

Ed, trying to avoid plot points and instead falling ass backwards into them: FUCK

Me writing an actual fight scene? Yeah bitch we in it now.

It has been a fucken bad week so I hope you guys are all having the most wonderful time. My cat keeps trying to sleep on top of my laptop when I'm writing so she says hi.

Chapter 27: Chapter Twenty Seven: Hit 'Em Right Between The Eyes

Summary:

You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring

The weight under me groans and I roll off it. Beside me is a little girl, eyes swirling and mouth agape, that I recognize as Miss Goldenweek. I wheeze into the ground, then roll back on top of the girl to restrain her.

Notes:

BRO COLLEGE SO MUCH MONEY. HOW FIX.

Anyways my mother is an artist and I was actively encouraged to pursue art as a career my entire life 👍 I'm starting to think it was a ploy to keep me from becoming a lawyer. It was a good decision on her part.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

I stay still until I'm certain they've cleared out. I tentatively crawl out of my bush and look up at the Stegosaurus. Deep red fruit juice stains its lips as it chews. I flash it a bright smile and a thumbs up. "Thanks pal!" Then I take off away from it as fast as I can.

I tear through the trees in a random direction. "Fuck fuck fuck!" I mutter, swinging my head around violently. "Where the fuck am I?!" Everything in this god forsaken jungle looks the same!

I hear something like a yell in the distance and change my course for that. I crash through the jungle, twigs smacking me in the face and getting stuck in my hair. I can see the giant spinning structure of the pumpkin cake and a break in the trees ahead and a big smile spreads out across my face.

Then I trip.

A scream jumps out of my mouth as I go rolling into the clearing. I somersault my way halfway across the place before I smack into something. I roll a few more feet with the added weight then come to a stop.

"Hey guys! How's it going!" I laugh breathlessly.

"ED!" come shouts from all my crewmates.

"I thought you died?!" Vivi yells.

"The rumours of my death were greatly exaggerated!" I groan back.

Vivi, Zoro, and Nami are all up on the cake covered in wax, with Zoro in a stupid pose and his ankles gushing blood. Luffy is standing on a black circle, and Usopp, Karoo and Mr. 5's team are nowhere to be seen.

"Geez, I leave you guys alone for ten minutes and you get yourselves in so much trouble!" I reprimand.

"Nevermind that, fix him!" Nami screeches down at me. I turn to Luffy, who's still standing on that black circle.

Ah, I remember this.

"Luf, don't leave that circle!" I instruct.

All three of the cake toppers start shouting in outrage. "WHAT?!"

Luffy scrunches his face. "No!" he says petulantly, then takes a step outside the circle. His eyes light up and he whips his head around. "What happened? That was weird…" Luffy mutters, scratching his head.

"Luffy help us now!" Nami shrieks. Luffy nods his head, rearing up his arm. "Yeah alright!" Goldenweek starts squirming under me, and worms her arms out of my grasp.

"No — You little shit!" I screech. She flings her hands out and green paint goes spraying all over Luffy's shirt. I try to stop it, but only succeed in getting it on my hand.

AH SHit…

Everything mellows out. I feel my eyelids droop and my grip go lax. My nerves seem to go offline in my arms and legs, like the strings of a puppet being unceremoniously cut. I don't protest as Goldenweek shimmies out from under me, sitting down at her picnic blanket and pouring out cups of tea.

My mouth moves of its own accord. "Ah, this is delicious," me and Luffy sigh in unison.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" yells out the cake toppers, but that doesn't really matter.

I can feel weeks of built up tension forcefully leaking out of my shoulders. My jaw cries in relief as it's given a once in a blue moon break from unending clenching.

The entire world around me is irrelevant. I don't care that all my cremates are turning into statues on top of a wax cake. I don't care that they're screaming for help. I can't make myself care as Usopp comes zooming into the clearing on Karoo's back.

"This is such good tea," Luffy grits out, cup rattling in his hands.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TWO DOING?!" Usopp screams.

My hands are shaking, and sweat is pouring out of every single one of my pores. In fact, so much sweat is rolling off my body it's smearing the paint.

Everything suddenly clicks back into place. My spine snaps straight, I drop my tea. I lunge across the picnic blanket, tear Luffy's shirt off him, and tackle Goldenweek. I wrap the shirt around her hands and she goes boneless.

"AAUGH! I HATE MAGIC PAINT!" I howl.

Mr. 5 and Miss Valentine come running into the clearing, chasing after Usopp and Karoo. Mr. 5 is brandishing a revolver and Miss Valentine looks pissed to the max.

"Stop running!" she shrieks, flying up into the air with her umbrella. Usopp is suddenly blown off Karoo by 5 firing an explosion with his gun, and I scramble to my feet beside Luffy.

"Are you two ok now?!" Usopp calls, voice hoarse.

"I am so sick of hypnotism!" Luffy grunts. "I refuse to let you hurt any more of my friends!"

I stick a hand up. "I am also very unhappy! And have a newfound fear of loss of control!"

Mr. 5 smirks at us. "What good is getting mad now? Your friends are already finished!"

"No! They're still alive!" Luffy yells.

5 lets out a laugh. "A nice coat of pain and they'll be perfect wax statues! It's too late for you to do anything!"

I brandish my pistol, doing a fancy spin that I somehow manage to not drop it through, and point it at him. "You sure about that?"

Trees on the other side of the clearing start crashing down as a hulking robot suit made of wax comes rumbling towards us. "That's right! It's too late and you're about to taste real disappointment!" Mr. 3 hollers.

"Ew. What is that?" I say with disgust.

"Excuse me?! My Candle Champion is my best piece of art!" 3 sputters.

I furrow my brow. "You call this art..?" I ask hesitantly. His face scrunches up. "...Don't quit your day job buddy," I say patronizingly.

His face turns bright red and the candle on his dumb suit starts spitting fire like mad. "EXCUSE YOU?! This is the very pinnacle of art! You couldn't possibly have a single criticism!"

I turn my nose up at him, a smirk dripping with condescension plastered on my face.

Time to channel my mother and her disappointment in my choices.

"Bud, art isn't a real career. And uh, if it was this sure wouldn't be the pinnacle of it. Ever heard of shape? Forms? A cohesive design? It's obvious you had no focus or plan when designing it," I sneer.

The fire starts burning brighter. "PLAN?! I'm a master of plans! This whole operation was my own flawless design!"

I send him another pitying look. "The plan that completely fell apart, you mean?"

"SHUT UP! SOMEONE SHUT THEM UP!" he shrieks, lunging towards Luffy. Valentine sighs and starts flying toward me poised for a kick. I lunge forward and roll under her leg, drawing my pistol and firing at her back.

Three bullets left.

The bullet just barely tears through her side, probably doing only superficial damage as she spins back around with a furious scowl. "You bitch!" she screeches, swinging at me with her umbrella.

I duck under it and fire a shot over at 5, who's aiming a shot at Usopp. His revolver flings out of his hand with a clang, and I roll out of the way of another swing. "Your art's ugly and you're a bad tactician!" I holler over at 3.

Oh my god that was so fucking COOL—

He makes an enraged scream as he keeps attacking Luffy. Valentine makes a kick aimed for my face that I lean out of the way of, and she uses the momentum to shoot herself into the air. I fire a shot at her I think misses because I'm partially blinded by the sun. Yeah that's why.

One bullet left.

I take the spare second it grants me to shove the single stick of gum I have from home (that has been living in my pocket since I got here) into my mouth, a plan forming in my head.

Valentine slams into the ground beside me as I leap out of her path, my last shot fired over my shoulder and tearing a hole in her umbrella. "YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" she howls, completely abandoning grace in her pursuit.

"Usopp!" I call around the chewing, in between dodging the attacks of an enraged Valentine.

"Yeah?" he calls back, apparently locked in a game of tag with Mr. 5.

"Get ready to lend me some firepower! Literally!" I holler, jumping over a kick aimed at my ankles.

You know, I'm surprisingly good at dodging attacks.

No sooner than I have that thought am I blindsided by a kick to the side that sends me sprawling across the grass. I wheeze into the dirt and pushing myself to my knees, glaring at the lemon lady.

As Valentine comes surging towards me I rip my extra can of bug spray from my pocket and jam my wad of gum into the spray mechanism. As It starts spraying I whip the thing into the air towards the cake.

"USOPP!" I scream, then get absolutely bodied by Valentine driving a kick into my stomach. I roll across the grass, and as bile jumps out of my mouth I see Usopp shoot out something that lights on fire halfway up.

As it connects with the can there's a bright explosion and a huge bang as fire rains down on the cake. A second can goes flying into the fire from Usopp's direction, with another huge explosion engulfing the clearing in flames.

I whistle through my teeth. "Yikes. That had waaay more bang than I thought it would."

"Curse you Strawhat! Curse all of you!" Mr. 3 cries, scrambling out of his melting suit. He goes running into the woods, snatching Miss Goldenweek on the way. Luffy takes off after him.

I'm distracted by whatever the hell is going on over there by Valentine cold clocking me across the chin. "I'm so sick of you people!" she screams, jumping into the air with a flip. "I'll shatter you into fucking pieces!"

I look down at my empty gun, then stare up at her in horror. "Ah shit," I mutter.

She comes rocketing down towards me and I scrunch my eyes closed. There's an influx of feminine yelling, and I open my eyes to Nami and Vivi absolutely destroying Valentine as they come swooping out of the flames.

"That was hot! Couldn't you have had a better idea?" Nami, shirtless, says with a smirk.

I throw her an exhausted thumbs up. "I'll work on it!"

She throws her head back and laughs. "You better! Thank you anyways."

"So the wax melted. We can't afford to screw up this mission any further!" Mr. 5 growls, pointing his retrieved revolver at the group of us.

Usopp rolls into view and shoots his slingshot at the man. "Take this! Explosive bullet!"

"I already showed you explosives don't work on me!" he laughs, gulping down the bullet.

Usopp smirks. "How about Tabasco?"

5's face drops. He falls to the ground hacking as actual smoke starts spewing from his mouth. "That's enough! I'll take you down with me then!" he hoarsely screams, throwing himself toward us.

He's stopped by a flaming meteor, or a demon, bursting out of the explosion's fire. Zoro slides across the ground in a flaming pinwheel of swords.

King of Hell indeed.

He comes to a stop, sheathing his swords and putting the fires on them out. "Flaming swords aren't too bad," he smirks. I could cry in relief. A giant hand slams into the ground behind us. "You alive, then?" Zoro calls up.

"Yeah," Brogy grunts. He stares down at Dorry's unmoving body for a moment. "It seems two foes are left."

I wave a hand. "Luffy's got 'em, anyone still got a can of bug spray?" A couple people start patting their pockets, but it's Vivi who tosses one to me. She has an odd expression on that I don't bother reading into.

I nod my thanks to her and start shaking it. It's at that point Luffy comes jogging back into the clearing with Karoo.

Brogy takes that as his cue to start bawling at such an intense rate it puts out all the remaining fires in the area. We all slam our hands over our ears as his cries reach a pitch loud enough to rouse the dead. It actually does manage to rouse Dorry, so maybe it's the same thing. Everyone's eyes bug out of their heads as he sits up.

"You're alive?!" Brogy wails.

"Seems I passed out…" Dorry grunts, clutching his bleeding shoulder.

"How the hell are you still alive?" Nami asks incredulously.

"Must be the weapons…" Dorry mutters.

"Oh! Even weapons from Elbaf would be dull after a hundred years of use!" Usopp concludes.

As the giants start hugging and reuniting I start spraying down my compatriots, starting with the still shirtless Nami.

"Midriff exposed you fool!" I grumble, getting her very thoroughly. She rolls her eyes but lets me do as I please. I shrug off my flannel and drape it across her shoulders. "God Nami, what would Sanji think, with you running around the jungle half naked!" I say dramatically. She snorts, then socks me in the shoulder. "Ow! The fuck was that for?" I whine, passing the can to Zoro who sprays himself.

She glares at me. "That's for making us think you were dead! Poor Vivi was distraught!"

I rub my arm with a frown. "But I didn't die though! I consider this a complete and total win."

"How did you survive? I thought you got eaten by a dinosaur!" Vivi exclaims.

I shrug. "Had to get those idiots off my back, so I did a little fake out. Didn't mean to trick you too. My bad!" I say with a small smirk. I love when my plans work. She gets a small frown on her face.

"Gegyagya! We've been here so long I completely forgot about the bounties on our heads!" Dorry laughs.

Vivi's frown deepens. "But I'm the whole reason Baroque Works was here in the first place…" she mumbles.

Nami pinches her cheek. "None of that!"

"Yeah Vivi, don't be so down! Have a rice cracker!" Luffy says, cracker dust flying between his lips. I hold my hand out for one, and Usopp tosses his to me. As I'm chewing on it I start thinking.

Man, I'm glad Nami won't be getting sick this time. Having to navigate the way to Drum without her would suck.

Wait…

If Nami isn't sick… why would we… go to… Drum…

…FUCK!

I spit my rice cracker out. "FUCK!" A few heads turn to me so I slap on a smile and wave my hands. "Sorry, bit my cheek!" Once they turn away I go back to silently freaking out.

Ooooh shit. Oh fuck I just wrote Chopper out of the plot—

Fuck, I gotta get deathly ill for like five days, uuuh—

Do I just chug some muddy water and hope I don't drink a brain eating amoeba?!

A sudden stinging pain in my abdomen shocks me out of my panic. I absentmindedly smack my palm into it. I feel something small crunch.

I freeze.

I don't bother looking down, I just stare ahead. The bug falls from my hand. I lightly run my fingers over the bite.

Ah.

Problem solved.

With that incredibly grim thought, Sanji finally makes his appearance.

He comes charging out of the trees with a huge smile on his face. "Helloooo, Nami, Vivi, Ed! And the rest of you!" he calls. "I'm so glad you're all safe!" he cries, sprinting across the clearing with arms wide. Then he catches sight of the giants. "THE HELL IS THAT?! Is one of you Mr. 3?!" he screams.

"You know about Mr. 3?" Nami questions.

I shake the horror out of my body for the moment. I let a big smirk slide on my face and laugh. "Lemme guess, you've somehow managed to solve all our problems despite missing all the action?"

He seems to clock onto the fact that I'm half naked now. His face goes bright red. "Ed! You look absolutely stunning!"

I strike a pose. "I know."

Nami smacks me on the shoulder. "There's such a thing as too much confidence," she says with a smirk.

Sanji slides up behind me. "Now Ed, you'll catch a cold dressed like that," he says, holding his coat out to put my arms in.

"Thank you, kind sir," I snort, sliding my arms into the fine fabric.

"My sincerest pleasure," he responds, a heart shaped cloud of smoke puffing from his cigarette. Sanji drops to sit on a nearby rock. "Anyways, I just got done talking to that Mr. 0 guy on the Transponder Snail."

Vivi's face turns white. "Mr. 0?!"

Sanji nods. "Yup. I was in this weird hideout in the jungle. He thought I was Mr. 3, and I thought I'd let him believe it. Since I had him on the line, I went ahead and told him we were all dead."

"So we're finally free of people chasing us now that we can't go anywhere?!" Usopp groans.

"Can't go? We have unfinished business or something? And after I managed to get this…" Sanji asks, brandishing an Eternal Pose to Alabasta.

Everyone's jaws drop to the ground while I start cackling. I swing my arm around his shoulder and start shaking him. "That's our boy! Let's get off this damn island!" I cheer. The crew around me starts celebrating.

"Alright Captain, we don't have time to sit around!" Nami announces, snatching the last of the rice crackers away to get him to move. Zoro gets to his feet and starts walking on his cut up ankles.

"Zoro, you haven't forgotten about our hunting contest, right?" Sanji asks.

"Nope, but I won that. I caught a huge rhino," Zoro says with a smirk. I see Dorry and Brogy behind us make faces at that conversation.

"Alright giant guys! We'll be taking off now!" Luffy announces.

"But before we do, I'd like to give my two cents," I butt in. "I'm just saying, after a hundred years of ties, you'd think you would get your God's message. Whatever the hell you guys were fighting about was probably something you were both right about," I state. They both exchange looks. I shrug. "But whatever suits your fancy, if you wanna fight for another hundred years, knock each other out."

Nami grabs onto my shoulder and starts tugging me along. "Yeah yeah, keep your theories in your pants, detective," she snarks.

I can't help but laugh.

—

"See, I told you mine was bigger than yours!"

"Your eyes just for decoration? Mine's way bigger!"

"Dear god boys, stop arguing about your dick sizes!" I shout. After an entire walk spent listening to their shit I am fed the fuck up.

"Your stupid lizard is way smaller than my thing!"

"Your thing looks like it barely has usable meat!"

"Well at least mine has horns!"

"What does that have to do with anything—"

"HURRY UP AND GET YOUR ASSES ON THE SHIP!" Nami screams.

They both snap upright. "Yes ma'am!"

With the fear of Nami instilled in them, we're ready to depart within minutes.

"If we go straight from here, it should take us to the exit on the west side of the island," Nami explains as we all make our way to the front of the ship. The river's current delivers us safely through the thrice damned jungle without its internal issues.

"Hey! It's the giants! They've come to see us off!" Luffy cheers, pointing ahead of us.

Indeed, flanking the exit to the island are our two giant pals. "Guys, I'd like to recommend we all grab onto something," I announce. I'm given a few odd looks, but Usopp immediately takes my advice and grabs onto the railing in a vice grip.

Dorry and Brogy's voices ring clear as we pass them.

"The most important reason why no humans get past this island…"

"...Still lies ahead of you."

"You all risked your lives for the pride of our duel."

"So in turn, no matter what foe…"

"We will never let them destroy your pride, friends!"

"Trust us and sail straight ahead! No matter what happens, sail only straight ahead!"

There's confusion from my crewmates, But my Captain doesn't hesitate in the slightest. "Got it! Straight!" Luffy declares.

"Let us meet again."

"One day in the future."

The ocean starts to swell. "Look up ahead!" Nami shouts. The Island Devourer rises large and imposing in front of us.

"A giant goldfish?! Why does that sound familiar..?" Usopp screeches.

"Get the helm, or we'll be swallowed!" Nami shouts.

"Can't! We'll be going straight ahead! R — right Luffy?" Usopp states.

"Yup," Luffy replies.

I cross my arms as we sail into its mouth. "Back into the belly of a beast," I chuckle. Nami and Vivi grab onto each other as its mouth snaps shut.

"Straight ahead! Straight ahead!" Usopp chants as we sail through the fleshy… cave throat thing. The trip is slow at first, before we start picking up considerable speed.

This is actually kinda gross…

There's a crash and a bright flash of both red and blue light that surrounds and flies past us. The cavern glows brightly with energy that pierces straight in front of us like a firework. A huge hole is blown in the back of the goldfish, and we go flying out of it.

We soar through the sky until hitting water again.

"They're just… so huge!" Luffy cheers.

"They cut the sea itself! The strength of Elbaf's warriors is amazing!" Usopp cries.

I smile wide and laugh joyously. "Damn straight!"

Notes:

Ed, taking a plot bullet for Nami: WHEN I SAID I'D DO IT AGAIN I MEANT THAT SHIT

Next chapter is... Well it's certainly the next chapter. And it's over 4k. And it's entirely hurt/comfort, I am milking that tag. Just... Bring tissues, maybe?

Chapter 28: Chapter Twenty Eight: I Can Never Go Back To The Old House

Summary:

Back to the Old House - The Smiths

I put my hands up. "Chill out you guys! I estimate about… five days before I'm deader than a dormouse, so that's lots of time to get help!" My optimism is met with incredulity and no small amount of horror.

Notes:

The sickfic interlude you all wanted and needed.

I've been continually coming back to this chapter to add shit, which is partially to blame for how long it got lmao (just know it almost hit 5k before I had to start rearranging shit between chapters — let's just say Drum as an arc did a lot of moving) and I'm still not super sure I'm satisfied with it. BUT STILL PROUD RAAAGHHH!

Buckle up for over 4k of found family bonding and a mild amount of vomit.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

As our sailing evens out, I decide it's time to bite the bullet and bring up my impending doom. "Hey guys," I start. The crew hums. "I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I've been bitten by a prehistoric bug and I'm probably dying."

There's a moment of silence as the crew blinks. Then they explode into shock.

"WHAT?!"

"I'm sorry, dying?!"

"What happened with the bug spray?! You were so insistent!"

"Hahah yeah… I forgot to get myself."

"EEEEEED!"

"That's… not a lot of time at all!" Usopp screeches, looking around frantically for the bucket.

"Are you gonna be sick right now?! Do you need something to eat?! Should we be worried about giant boils?!" Sanji asks panickedly, flapping his arms.

I rub the back of my neck. "Uuuuh — no, always, and no."

Sanji nods with a fierce determination. "I'll make soup!" he screams, running off into the galley.

Usopp runs across the deck. "I'll get the bucket!"

Luffy runs into the aft. "I'll get a slab of meat!"

Nami runs after him. "DON'T GET A SLAB OF MEAT HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET A SICK PERSON—"

The door slams and I'm left alone on the deck with Zoro and Vivi. I clap and grin. "So… Zoro! How them ankles?"

He smacks a hand into his face. "You're incorrigible. Get me if you pass out." Then he opens the hatch to the men's cabin and disappears.

Vivi and I stare at each other for a second. "...Are you absolutely sure you're going to die?" she asks hesitantly.

I make a so-so gesture. "I mean... If I get proper medical attention, most likely not. If we keep chugging to Alabasta, I can almost guarantee it."

Her face pinches. "I see."

I have to turn my face away from her so she can't see the expression I make.

I forgot about her whole internal struggle with this. Dear god, she had enough trouble making the decision when it was fucking Nami! And now my life is in the hands of a girl who seems to hate my guts!

…Time to make it even harder.

"I want you to make an informed decision going forward," I start, taking a serious tone that has her focusing all her attention on me. "Nami has a newspaper stashed somewhere in our room, you'll have to ask her for it so you can read it yourself." I take a deep breath. "It'll say 300,000 members of the royal force have switched sides." Her face drops. "I want you to understand that that statistic could be propaganda. It could mean that's the total number over the course of the conflict so far, not that they've all defected at once, but we really won't know for sure until we get there."

Her bottom lip is quivering and her hands are clenched so tight blood starts to drip down her fingers. I can feel sweat starting to pour down my face, and I have to squint against the sudden brightness of the deck.

"...Why would you tell me this?" she asks quietly. "You have to know this is an incentive to leave you for dead and go save my country."

I snort softly. "Yeah. I know. But our course right now is up to you. One dead, kinda shitty First Mate in exchange for your whole country? May as well be a no-brainer."

Her face scrunches up further. I hide my shaking hands behind my back. Talking this girl up to leaving me behind is actually… kind of scary, not knowing if she'll actually choose to save me.

…I don't want to die, but…

God, my head is swimming. Are we getting closer to a summer island? It's hot as fuck up here…

"Y — your country is very important… to you. I — I'll under… understand if you pick… it over…" I can't even make it through the sentence before I'm pitching forward. None of my limbs will respond to try and catch me.

I bang onto the deck. My ears start ringing.

Somehow this feels even worse than being drugged…

I think I can hear yelling, then the thud of footsteps or something vibrates through my cheek from where it's pressed into the deck. Gentle hands turn me onto my back, which I very vocally object to through groans.

Those same hands push my hair back to get a feel of my forehead. I press into their cool skin with another groan. I can't make out what anyone is saying…

The hand retracts and I whine in protest, before someone's arms (I think? They feel kinda weird. And long.) wind under me and gravity goes funny as I'm lifted into the air. I snuggle into soft fabric as a cacophony of voices assaults my ears.

I guess time slides away from me, because next thing I know I'm being gently deposited on the bed in the ladies room. I blearily blink my eyes open as something is shoved in my mouth.

I start chewing on it before a hand smacks into my shoulder. I frown but stop. I slowly, so as to not trigger the nausea I can feel slinking up my throat, turn my head towards whoever is sitting beside me.

It's actually several someones. Nami is right at my bedside staring intently at the thermometer in my mouth, Sanji is chewing on his sleeve looking close to tears, Usopp is brandishing our cleaning bucket like a shield, Luffy is standing with his arms crossed and frowning, and Vivi is in the back looking extremely uncomfortable with a newspaper clenched in her hands.

"Are we pregaming my wake?" I mumble around the stick in my mouth.

"Don't make jokes right now," Nami scolds, pulling the thermometer out. Her eyes widen at the number she reads. "People should not be 40 degrees! How are you not already dead?!"

I make the shaka sign. "Built different," I mumble. Nami smacks a cool damp towel onto my forehead and I melt into the bed with a sigh.

Luffy creeps closer and pokes me in the cheek. "Is it painful being sick?"

Both Sanji and Usopp shrug. "Never been sick," they say in unison.

"Are you people even human?!" Nami screeches, sending me an apologetic look when I wince at the volume. "Of course it's painful! A 40 degree fever is crazy! That's enough to kill them!"

I shut my eyes against the pounding of my skull. "My brain is cooking in my head…"

"Cooking? Can we eat your brain?!" Luffy asked, awe and a little bit of excitement in his voice.

I squint at him, slightly accusatory. "Luffy, remember what I said about not being your first cannibalism victim? That still applies."

He frowns. "Aw. Ok."

Then his eyes bug out, same time as the other boys. "WAIT, DIE?!"

Nami smacks all of them on the head at once. "Be quiet!" she hisses.

I lazily wave my hand through the air. "D'worry. There's a whole 3 degrees between me and a normal person's limit right now!"

Nami slaps another cool towel over my eyes. "If this fever doesn't kill you I will."

I give a gooey smile in the direction I think she is. "You wouldn't! You looooove me!"

My hand is snatched up in hers and pressed to her forehead. "Yeah, well there's gonna be nothing to love but a memory if we don't get you help asap."

I sigh and frown. "It's up to the princess. If we can somehow book it to Alabasta in under a week I might…" I move the cloth off my eyes with my free hand. I stop talking when I notice Vivi is crying.

"Stop," she whispers. "Your life isn't a bargaining chip, and I refuse to exchange it for a chance to get home earlier. Those 300,000 defecting soldiers… they'll just have to wait until you're better!" she announces, fat tears still rolling down her cheeks and onto the paper.

I stare, open mouthed.

"Ah. Ok."

Then I pass out.

—

Gentle hands run methodically through my hair. Rock music plays softly somewhere in the room. When I open my eyes all I can see is my sister's smiling face. Her soothing voice vibrates through the air in familiar wavelengths.

The ocean is stirring in my stomach.

An unfamiliar voice tickles at the edge of my consciousness. Almost impossible to make out aside from the odd syllable. Probably not important.

"Are you feeling any better?" my sister asks.

I push my head into her hand like a demanding cat. "No," I whine. Everything feels hot and cold at once, my nerves are screaming under my skin, my head pounds along to the music and the water continues to sway in my stomach.

"Make it go away," I whine again.

My sister laughs softly. "No can do." Her hands pass through my hair again. The ocean swells in my belly.

"Where..?" I mumble.

My sister laughs again. "Dad's down in his office, mom's at work, and I'm right here."

Sweat drips off my face. "Thought you left," I choke out. The hands stop. "Thought you left," I repeat.

Her fingers retreat from my hair. "Why would I do that?" she grits out, sounding pained.

That unfamiliar voice pierces through the fog for just a second. A name, a title or something.

I can't focus on it. I call out my sister's name again. The ocean churns in my stomach. The music gets louder.

My chest starts to heave. Breath shortens. Head pounds.

The ocean surges.

As the music crescendos the ocean rises up my throat and—

I tip myself over the side of the bed and vomit. It burns and it hurts it hurts it hurts—

A hand rubs soothingly down my back as I hack. I croak out my sister's name.

"No, Ed."

I scrunch up my face. "Ed?"

The hand stills. "Yeah. You, Ed."

I heave into the bucket my head is apparently inside of. "Ah, me."

I squint the tears out of my eyes. I take my head out of the bucket. Someone's hand comes up and wipes my mouth off with a cloth or something.

"Fucking ow ," I croak.

Nami stares down at me with concern. "Who were you—"

I'm saved from Nami's question by someone throwing open the hatch and thundering down the steps. Sanji tumbles into the room frantically. He spots me, Nami and the bucket and heaves a sigh of relief. "Oh thank god, I thought you died!"

I give him a wry smile. "Not yet." Nami slaps my arm.

Zoro trots down the stairs behind Sanji. "They need you up top. Usopp said there's weird weather."

Nami frowns and shoots me a concerned look, then turns back to Zoro. "Ok. You stay and watch Ed, Sanji you come with me."

Zoro frowns. "What? Why do I have to—" Nami is already grabbing the bucket then up and out the hatch with Sanji before he finishes. He stares up for a second while I struggle into a sitting position in the bed. "Lay back down," Zoro grunts.

I flip him off. "Go fuck yourself," I say with as much cheer as I can muster. He levels me a blank look and pushes me back into the bed. "You're lame," I sigh.

"And you're sick. Shut up and rest," he replies, slouching down onto Nami's vacated chair.

We sit in silence for a minute.

"Sorry you have to watch me. I know you'd rather be training. I'd offer to sit on your back while you do push ups, but it would probably end with me puking on you," I snort.

Zoro stares at me impassively. "Your breath smells like shit," he says blankly.

I grin to show off my teeth at him. "Gee, sorry princess, I'll get better just for you," I say sarcastically.

Zoro rolls his eyes. "You're a fucking idiot."

I frown at him, then turn my head to the ceiling. "Yeah. I know."

We return to silence.

"You know, I'm probably going to miss most of this next adventure," I start. "So, while I'm here mentally, let's cue up some bets," I say with a sly smile.

Zoro rolls his eyes. "I'm not taking a sick person's money," he groans.

My smile widens. "Good thing you never beat me at these then! I bet where we're going is gonna be snowy," I state.

"Why?" he asks.

"Because I don't like snow. 2,000 berri."

He rolls his eyes again. "Alright. Next?"

I hum. "Bet we're gonna get a new crew member outta this."

He tilts his head. "I dunno. Luffy's pretty particular about his people."

I grin. "Yup! Another 2,000 berri." Zoro sighs but waves his hand for me to continue. "Bet someone's gonna get shot this time. It's gotta happen eventually."

"But if you're gonna be sick the whole time, who's gonna provoke the shooter?" he snarks.

I fake laugh. "You're so funny! 2,000 berri." He shoots me a look. I give him the stink eye back. "6,000 berri says you're gonna fall in a freezing river."

His face goes incredulous. "Why a freezing one?"

"Because I'm going to be right about the snow," I reply matter-of-factly.

He scoffs. "I'm not stupid enough to fall into a river. You're on." He really does think too highly of himself.

"I bet someone is gonna eat our boat."

That gets him squawking. "Eat?! You're delusional from the sickness."

I laugh. "No! Something that stupid has to happen while I'm out of commission! It has to!" He groans, long and suffering.

"I'm willing to put 8,000 berri on it!" I announce, cackles breaking out of my throat. One of them catches on something and sends me into a painful coughing fit.

As I hack a lung up I can see Zoro looking around frantically, my guess is for a bucket in case this triggers some heaving action. He shoves a glass of water into my hands that I suck down gratefully.

Once I'm sure I can speak without dying, I give him a big smile. "I bet… I'll be just fine."

Zoro scoffs. "I don't take suckers bets."

I laugh hoarsely, smile softening. "Sure you don't. I'm looking forward to my other 20,000 berri then."

Zoro smirks. "So am I. Looks like I'll finally get a payout for once."

The last thing I remember is laughing.

—

A voice is calling out to me again. Playfully, like it's not expecting an answer. It sings to me in unfamiliar hymns, a chorus of strange chimes and something like the twang of a triangle.

"Princeling," it calls. "Poor stupid Princeling. You really do make the most fascinating choices."

I feel like less than a concept. Reduced past my very atoms, just a vague idea or the fragments of a soul. I can't open my nonexistent mouth, but I call back regardless.

Surprise. I understand the emotion it communicates like it's broadcasting it into the air itself. "You heard me!" it exclaims joyfully. "Wonderful! Ah Princeling, how I've longed to see you!"

The world bleeds into colour around me, not real in the slightest but I know where I am like I know the sun will rise in the morning. I'm stood in the goddamn Domino's parking lot. There's a hand holding mine, and I'm face to face with a red Honda Civic.

I don't understand. My mind is panicky but I can't move at all.

"You don't understand?"

How the fuck did this thing understand that?!

"Ah. I see. You made quite a journey, looks like things are going a little different for you. No matter! You'll be fine! Let's chat when you're more… awake, shall we?"

What does that mean? Who are you?!

"Hm. I think it's too early for this. Why don't you wake up now? Go see your monkey boy!"

The world turns into motion. The hand disappears and I stumble, suddenly cognizant of my body. The car jolts into motion towards me at high speeds.

Wait! Wait wait please who are you why am I here HELP ME WAIT—

Impact.

—

I'm ripped from sleep with a scream tearing free from my throat. My limbs go flailing and I nearly throw myself from the bed. White noise blocks out the rest of the world while I work myself into hysterics.

Hands clamp down on my wrists. I jolt forward with another scream, my eyes snapping to a dark pair overflowing with urgency and concern.

Oh. Captain. Safe.

I make a pathetic whine, all of the fight draining out of me in an instant. I slump forward into my Captain with a pained wheeze and a hiccuping sob. I wrap my arms around Luffy. They nearly slide off his shoulders from the sheer amount of shaking they're doing before his own come to grab me just as tight, if not tighter.

My shaking fingers clutch at the back of his shirt with all the strength I can muster through the illness induced weakness. I smother my tears and gasps for breath in his shoulder. An unending stream of comfort spills from Luffy's mouth right into my ear.

My head is pounding and my unsteadiable breath is not helping. It feels like my brain is full of helium, and I can hear a cacophony of footsteps and panicked questions from the rest of my crew as they crash into the room.

I press my burning forehead into Luffy's neck harder. I'm losing control of my arms, all the strength rapidly leaving them as I slowly slide into the bed. Luffy's arms loosen but he doesn't let go and follows me down.

He frowns down at me worriedly. I'm still breathing way too fast for my sick body to keep up with, and I can see black spots dancing in the corner of my eyes. I try to reach up to Luffy with my hand, but I'm too damn weak to get it more than a few inches off the rumpled sheets.

Luffy's own hand catches mine and brings it up to his neck, pressing my fingers into the steady pulse there. I suck in a deep breath. My shoulders relax and my head falls back on the pillow. "S'fine. Alive."

Luffy's hand tightens over mine. "You're alive. I'm alive. We're all alive," he reiterates.

I sigh, a shaky smile making its way onto my face. Luffy's skin is warm under my palm.

I slip back into unconsciousness.

—

The next time I wake, it's much more pleasant. There's a comforting weight on top of me and the soft buzz of snoring accompanied by hushed talking. I peel my eyes open.

Luffy is splayed on top of me, cheek pressed into my stomach and drool pooling on a discarded towel. In the corner I spot Nami and Vivi, pressed close and having a conversation. I watch them for a moment, not able to make out what they're saying.

Nami places a gentle hand on Vivi's shoulder. Vivi gazes softly up into Nami's eyes.

Oh hell no. I'm not background witnessing this shit.

"If you two are gonna have a romantic moment, do it outside please," I mumble, trying not to aggravate my dry feeling throat. They both startle and whip their heads around to me. Then their faces turn bright red.

Nami's mouth opens and closes a few times before she shuts it with a snap, turns away, grabs Vivi by the wrist, and heads out the hatch.

I snicker quietly under my breath. "Thank you," Luffy murmurs into my stomach. I hum. "They wouldn't stop talking and I didn't want to interrupt them," he giggles. I run my hands through his messy black hair.

Wait…

"Where's your hat?"

He sends me an incredibly fond look I can't even begin to dwell on for fear of crying. One of his hands lazily points above me. I tilt my head up and soft yellow straw comes into view.

"You just get to have it while I'm in here though," he says petulantly. I gently reach up and grab it, holding it in front of me to examine it. Three nearly invisible parallel lines run through the top, the only evidence of our encounter with Buggy aside from the pale scar on my stomach.

This hat has seen things I could only dream of.

I place it on my Captain's head.

"I think it suits you much better, my king-to-be," I state, a big smile gently stretching my face. His face lights up, smile beaming and radiant. It warms something in my stomach, comforting in a way few things have been since I got sick.

"You'll be there to see it, right?" he asks, tipping the brim of the hat over his face.

I tip it back up so I can look him right in the eyes. "Unquestionably. You're gonna take me to the top," I state, not an inch of doubt in my voice. I hold my pinkie up to him.

He smiles that eye squinting smile again and I return it gratefully. He hooks his pinkie into mine.

I'm gonna be fine.

—

The second day is worse.

I'm barely conscious, but able to gasp that I'm somehow still alive and in a room with Sanji and I think Vivi. I'm using what little brainpower I can scrounge up to keep my breathing as even as possible so I don't hurl again.

Then the ship starts shaking like crazy. I smother a groan into my pillow, tingling hands coming up to press into my eyes. Then Sanji is right up in my face. "I'm going upstairs to check it out, Vivi'll keep an eye on you."

I slap him lightly on the cheek. "Kick whoever it is off th'ship. M'tryna sleep," I slur out. He gives me a big smile, then takes off.

There's a brief silence as Vivi comes up and checks my temperature. "I'm sure it'll be fine," she murmurs.

Then there's an influx of screaming and a barrage of gunfire. I groan again. "These fuckers!"

Vivi gets up looking like she's gonna run upstairs, so I grab onto her hand.

"S'fine. Don't bother," I say desperately. The don't leave me in here alone is left unsaid. She looks at me for a second, then takes back her hand and runs upstairs.

Time slips away after that, with no one to tie me down to reality.

—

"Ed, darling, I have soup!" a voice, distorted but undeniably real, calls out to me. I blink open bleary eyes and tilt my head to see Sanji, with a bowl of promised soup in hand, smiling at me from the chair.

"W'kinda soup?" I mumble, lips feeling cracked and tacky.

He scoots closer and places the bowl aside for a moment to gently guide me into a seated position, propping a pillow behind me and brushing sweaty hair from my face. "Bone broth, diced potato and peas, chives, and some of Mosshead's stupid dinosaur. If you find the spices too strong let me know," he explains softly.

I hum, breathing it in. "Smells delicious." He grins and brings a spoonful to my lips.

I burst into tears at the first taste.

Sanji panickedly pulls back at the spoon and leans closer. "What?! Is it too hot?!" he questions, scrambling for the bucket. "You can spit it out, I won't be upset!"

I wave him off, pressing a hand to my mouth as fresh tears roll down over top of it. "It's fine, I promise!" My words are watery, and don't fulfil their purpose in getting him to calm down. It almost seems to make him panic more, actually. "I'm sorry. It's just really good!" I blubber, fanning my face. He blinks his wide baby blues at me. "I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm crying!"

He gets closer to my face, thumbing away some of my unending tears. "You're crying because it's good?!" he asks incredulously.

I make grabby hands for the soup. "Yeah. More please," I weep. He lets out a short breath and spoons out some more soup.

It's so goddamn good.

Though nausea is a lingering fear as I eagerly sip spoonful after spoonful of soup, I can't make myself care.

"Thank you, angel eyes," I sigh once I've finished the bowl, slumping down into bed fucking exhausted. Being almost too tired to eat a whole meal is goddamn depressing.

Sanji wipes my face of sweat, tears and soup with a damp towel, a soft little smile playing on his lips. "Angel eyes?" he asks, amused.

I sleepily nod into his hand. "Angel eyes," I confirm.

Sanji's soft laughter sees me into unconsciousness.

—

I jolt myself awake. Soft snoring and the tic of the clock punctuate the quiet of the night. A quick glance at the offending object reveals it's around three in the morning. I push myself up into a sitting position, wiping sweat from my face.

My movement causes Usopp, whose head was thrown back on top of my blanket, to slide to the side. I catch him and move him to a better position for his neck.

Vivi and Nami are huddled close, both resting on Karoo and draped in a blanket. Zoro is lounged open mouthed on the desk chair. Luffy is spread across the floor, a foot propped up on Zoro and arms spread like a starfish. Sanji is absent, probably on watch.

I lay back down and smile. My hand comes up to absentmindedly card through Usopp's thick curls. He makes a sleepy hum and rolls his head back further.

This must be pretty hard on him, after what happened to his mom. Sanji too for that matter.

I'm gonna pull through for them. Fuck being sick.

I sigh and drift back off.

Notes:

Those Niquil fever dreams hit different, am I right? Also crying over soup when you're sick is universal. Don't tell me I'm wrong it'll make me feel bad.

Also I (after like uuuuuh 10 or smth years) got my ears repierced today so huge win for the girlypops. Can't wait to wake up in pain because my goofy ass can't sleep if I'm not on my side.

GEAR 5 STEADILY APPROACHES—

Chapter 29: Chapter Twenty Nine: Just Give Me A Second, Darling, To Clear My Head

Summary:

Unfinished Business - White Lies

I squint against the light and take a couple deep breaths. "Captain," I mumble through dry and cracked lips. He turns back to me. I shakily raise my hand, pinkie out. He entwines it in his own. "Take me to the top," I grin.

Notes:

Another top 5 song of mine. The Mumford and Sons cover of this had an unrealistically large impact on my middle school life. Don't read too hard into that.

We're officially over 100k words on here! Wooo! Lmao this chapter also almost went over the 4k mark, I didn't even realize I started pushing closer to that number as the chapters went on, but quite a few of them go over that threshold.

(Big Edit™ future message here again. God you little idiot you have no idea what becomes of you.)

Let us never forget that Chopper is the token Canadian. Never.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

I barely stir when someone picks me up from the bed and guides my arms into a winter coat. It's getting harder and harder to keep cognizant during my awake spells, and as soon as I'm up I feel sleep trying to drag me back down.

I'm hiked up onto someone's back and shove my face into their neck as I'm assaulted by cold air. I don't bother trying to listen to the talk going on around me, I just try my best to not pass out.

"I did not survive Covid to kick it to this," I grumble into whoever's holding me's neck. I think they snort, but that might just be me imagining people think I'm funny while delirious.

I pass back out.

—

I'm awoken by repetitive slapping on my face. I crack open my eyes and see Luffy crouched over me gearing up for another slap.

"You keep smacking me, I'm liable to rock your shit," I croak.

There's a few cheers from the room's occupants. Luffy stares down at me. "Hey, the only way to see a doctor is to climb the mountain. So we gotta climb the mountain." The yelling from the others in the room is unintelligible outside of my small sphere of hearing. "It's fine. I'll carry them up," Luffy says, turning back to the others.

Luffy grins right back. "Unquestionably." He stumbles over the word just enough that I let out a hoarse laugh.

The next few minutes are liquid. There's vague arguing and some movement. I think I get tied to Luffy's back and then we're back in the cold.

"I hate fucking Canada… Fucking snow…" I grumble, gnawing on Luffy's hood.

"Is this place called Canada?" Luffy questions.

"...No. No it's not," the weird guy, Dalton I think? replies.

I drift for a couple minutes before I'm jolted by Luffy suddenly taking off running. "C'mon Sanji! Let's go before Ed dies!"

"Don't say that, you idiot!" Sanji screams back.

I huff a laugh. "Don't kill me on the way up, please," I mumble.

Then I slip back into unconsciousness.

—

It doesn't last all that long. I'm rudely awoken by some violent thrashing. I squint my eyes open to a faceful of giant white rabbit monster what thE FUCK IS THAT—

"FUCK OFF!" I scream, no matter the havoc it wreaks on my throat. Then I jam out my leg and nail one of the things right on the nose.

"Ed!"

"STOP FIGHTING YOU'RE SICK!"

I throw my head back to shake my hood off, just to feel some of that cold mountain air on my burning face. I groan long and loud as Luffy continues to jump and dodge these weird monsters.

"Just start running!" Sanji hollers.

My eyes roll back again as we start moving again.

—

A familiar voice calls my name. "You're gonna catch a cold! Put a better coat on! At least a scarf or hat! And stay out of the road, a car would flatten you like a crepe!"

I stick my tongue out at my mom. "Consequences are for people who care! I'm gonna go stick my face in a snowbank!"

Oh, I remember this. I got super sick after this.

…

Wow I really should have listened to my mother more.

"You don't seem like the 'listens to instructions' type."

Oh I'm not. Well, sometimes. I like having instructions so I know what I'm doing, but getting policed on my actions by people I don't give a shit about is—

Wait a fucking minute what.

"Oh you can hear me again! Hi there, Princeling!"

Whomst?!

"Don't even worry about it! I'm really just a third party observer this time. Looks like the monkey boy is in a pretty tough spot… Oh well!"

Excuse me?!

"Yeah, there's like an avalanche and some Lapins… Haha your science experiment just crashed!"

Oh my god what the fuck is happening. Did you just call Sanji a science experiment?!

"Oh I don't think I'm a god per say… Did you not know about your cook guy?"

No, I knew. Also what do you mean per say?

"I think you should worry about other things right now. Or just stop worrying all together."

So even when I'm hallucinating god really is kind of a dick. Got it.

"Rude! You weren't this rude last time. Whatever happened to manners?"

I have amazing manners, you just haven't proven that you deserve them.

"Ooh! Spicy! I kinda like this version of you."

You keep saying shit like that. What does that mean?

"Hmmm. I don't wanna tell yet. Oh my, things are getting real rough out there. Wowie, your monkey boy really is something else. He hasn't changed much."

I am very confused.

The weird voice is fading to static between words, like a bad radio connection. Other snippets of sounds start buzzing in. The sound of glassware, liquids, some rattling. Another voice, more… substantial and gravely.

"Doctorine is in the house! Haha, I like this one."

The hot old lady?

"Did this unconscious child just call me hot?"

Huh?

"Haha! I think we're done here. You have fun now!"

Wait wait what? Hey! Don't go!

Shit!

—

I blink my eyes open to stone ceilings. Weird shit hangs from the walls, there's multiple skulls mounted around me and I'm not all that tempted to find out what animals they belonged to.

There's the weight of an icepack on my forehead and I can hear the clack of hooves on stonework floors, then the rhythmic scraping of a mortar and pestle. I blink my eyes a couple more times.

Well that was fucking weird. I think I was dreaming…

I guess I always did get weird dreams from Nyquil. Eh.

A quick glance over my person reveals someone changed my shirt at some point, now in a soft button up, though I can still feel my many pocketed pants on beneath the blankets. I can see my gun belt hanging off the end of the bed as well.

I turn my head to the side and make direct eye contact with Chopper. The fur covered bipedal little reindeer twitches his blue nose at me. We blink at each other for a second.

I startle and jerk forward a little. "Oh god. You scared the shit outta me!" I laugh.

He does a double take, then screams and runs around the open door frame. He does a stupid little side lean thing that hides half of his antlers and red hat behind the door frame while the rest of him remains visible.

"...You're doing that wrong." I tell him gently. He makes a squeak and flips his pose. I snort.

"Sh — shut up! Human!" he screeches. "By the way! Are you feeling better?" his voice slowly peeters into a much more reserved tone. I blink. Hearing a voice come from the little reindeer is surprising, no matter how much I was expecting it.

"Definitely better, if only by a little bit." My nonchalant response seems to shock him more than if I started screaming. Which he does. He scrambles backwards and trips over something, sending another something crashing to the ground which sends more shit falling and shattering.

Suffice to say, it's loud.

"Keep it down, Chopper!" an old woman's voice hollers, before its owner comes striding into the room. She's tall, with long silver hair, and wearing fucking awesome low riding purple pants and a croptop that showcases her bellybutton piercing.

She flicks up her sunglasses when she sees I'm awake. She cackles as she strides over and pokes my forehead. "38.2 degrees celsius. Your fever has gone down, that's good." I blink as she starts guzzling down wine.

"Hi?" I say, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm Dr. Kureha. You can call me Doctorine," she grins, wrinkles pulling at her face.

I grin up at her. "Cool! I'm E. D. Domino, call me Ed. It's a pleasure to meet you!"

She raises one of her eyebrows with a grin. "E. D. Domino, eh? How interesting." I give her a big eye crunching grin. "You want the secret to my eternal youth?" she suddenly asks.

I scratch my chin. "I mean if you're giving that information out, sure."

"Haha! It'll cost you!" she cackles.

I wave my hand. "Alright, then I'm good. A debt to a woman like you would be scary."

"Clever. You're in the castle at the top of the mountain," she tells me, walking over to a table and putting down her wine before coming back and taking a seat on the bed.

I hum. "My idiots around here somewhere?"

"Those other two boys are in the next room, sleeping very deeply. Couple of tough guys, eh?" she says, then rucks up my shirt to take a look at my stomach. There's a smattering of bruise-like spots and splotches originating from where I got bit. "This is the problem. You were bitten by a bug called the Kestia. It's a poisonous tick that thrives in high humidity jungles. Its bite spreads a bacteria that causes high fever and severe pain, among other symptoms, that get worse over the course of five days until they kill you."

She pokes a few places on my stomach that have me flinching back with an involuntary giggle. She shoots me a look I sheepishly smile at. "Sorry. I never really stopped being ticklish."

"...Right. Anyway, given the affected area and its progression, my guess is you're on your third day. Funnily enough, your system seemed to be fighting it off supernaturally well. You might have even made it three more days, crazy as it seems." She grins at me. "But if you hadn't gotten here in those three days, you definitely would have gone to heaven."

I snort. "As if I would have gotten anywhere near heaven. I think they have a warrant out for my arrest."

She lets loose a loud cackle. "You and I both, honey!"

I give the woman a sly smile. "Only difference is they want me so they can send me to hell personally, and they want you back as an angel."

That forces another cackle from her mouth. Doctrine gives me a keen look. "Sweet talk all you want, you still need to stay here and recover." I pout. "I want to know how you even managed to get this. Kestia used to be called the five day disease, but I heard it died out over a hundred years ago. Were you romping around half-naked in an ancient forest or something?"

I slap my hand over my mouth to stop the snort I let out. She shoots me a disbelieving look. "In my defence I did bring bug spray! …I just used it on everyone but myself," I explain with an awkward laugh.

"You are one crazy kid." Then she slaps a hand into my chest and pushes me back into the bed. "Now stay in bed. Your treatment isn't done."

I sigh. "You got an estimate on my recovery time?"

She rolls her eyes. "This disease usually takes ten days to fully treat. With medicines as advanced as mine, you're looking at three days. Add in your crazy immune system, I can get you up and out of here in under two."

I groan long into my hands. "You gonna try and pin me to the bed with scalpels if I argue?"

She cackles again. "You're a smart one! Patients only leave this castle when they're cured or dead." I sigh and give her a sad thumbs up.

There's a sudden influx of screaming from down the hall, then Chopper, Sanji and Luffy come running through the room. They're out and crashing through the castle faster than I can blink.

I turn to Doctorine with an apologetic look. "My Captain and cook are… idiots. Stupid ones. Sorry they're chasing your kid."

She gives me a side eye, then looks off to the door. "Chopper can handle them." She throws another look over her shoulder at me. "You're not curious about him?"

I slump back down in the bed with a small smile. "My Captain is made out of rubber. I ate dinosaur soup this week. I'm recovering from a prehistoric illness. I don't give a single shit about whatever makes Chopper, Chopper." I wink at the smiling doctor. "You don't seem like the kind of woman to tolerate a brat, so I'm sure he's a great kid. I'll have to thank him for helping to save my crew."

She lets out a low cackle. "You call those boys lots of things, but you've yet to call them friends," she says.

I blink, then frown. "Have I?"

Oh… Yeah I think the only person I've called a friend here to their face was Nami back on Cocoyashi…

I guess I may still be subconsciously trying to put distance between me and them. Maybe there's a small part of me, however stupid, still holding onto the fact that I'm in a fictional world with anime characters.

Hm.

"They are my friends. And I'm very grateful you treated them," I state.

She gives me another keen look, then gets up to retrieve her wine bottle and sits down at the table. "Whatever you say, kid."

—

"Ed! Are you better?!" Luffy wails, clinging to my waist while I try to wrestle him away from the food Sanji brought me with my feet.

"Well on my way! Stay the fuck away from my food!"

Sanji kneels by the bed and stares up at me with watery eyes. "So you're not dying? Is the food helping? Do you need more?" he asks.

I use my free hand to push him away. "This is fine! I'm fine! All of you back off and give me space!"

Luffy gets his grubby little hands just a little too close to my dish so I use my foot to kick him at Doctorine's table. He smacks his head into the chair then looks up at Doctorine with a wide smile.

"Join my crew! Please old lady!" Luffy asks, smacking his palms on the table.

Doctrine stares at him impassively. "Your name is Luffy, right?" He nods. She hoists herself out of her chair and slams her foot into Luffy, sending him flying across the room into the wall. "You'd better watch your language!" she huffs. "I'm still youthful in my 130's."

Sanji whistles. "You're a tough old lady." He gets a one way ticket straight into the opposite wall.

I shake my head. "Numbskulls."

"You want me to be a pirate, ridiculous! And a waste of my precious time. I'm not interested in the ocean," she grunts.

Luffy staggers his way back to the table. "You don't have to care. Just come with us. Let's have an adventure, old lady!"

"You just don't learn," Doctrine huffs. The boys seem to finally clock onto our extra observer. They both jump up and start chasing after Chopper who's been crouched in the doorway, Doctrine following close behind. I groan and roll over in the bed.

"Don't worry Ed, my love! I'll cook you up some delicious reindeer soup!" Sanji hollers as the group tears back through the space.

"Or don't!" I groan back.

"I'll eat you before I let you eat my reindeer!" Doctrine shouts, chasing the boys right out of the room.

I stare after them out the open door. A chilly breeze blows through and I shiver. "Inconsiderate jackasses," I grumble tentatively poking a toe out from under the toasty covers.

"You should stay in bed!" a squeaky voice stops me. Chopper tip toes back into the room, head on a swivel. "Are they gone?" He scuttles over to the door and shuts it. "Doctorine's medicine works very well, so the fever should be gone soon. But the Kestia may still be in your body. You need an injection and more rest."

I snuggle back under the covers with a groan. "Uuugh. I hate needles."

He shoots me a look over his shoulder. "Too bad, human!"

I shoot him the stink eye back. "Don't be a shit." He scrunches his blue nose at me. "Anyway, thanks for helping my boys," I grin.

He takes a step back. "Shut up! I don't want gratitude from a human!" Chopper yells, doing his funny little dance with a goofy expression on his face.

I can't help but burst out laughing. "You're making me feel even more stupid for getting startled by you when I woke up!"

He glares at me. "Because I'm a monster?!"

I raise an amused eyebrow at him. "No? I just woke up and was previously hallucinating. Seeing anything right away was scary."

He blinks. "But you weren't scared of… me?"

I give him a soft smile. "No, Chopper. You're not scary to me."

He furrows his furred brow. "That's weird. You're weird."

I laugh again. "I see crazier shit than you on the regular now, so I can't let anything make me stumble! Besides, my absolute monster of a Captain takes naps on me. Nothing can be scarier than a half asleep and hungry Luffy."

I say this with the confidence of a person who had almost been eaten by their Captain. Multiple times.

"...So are you really pirates?" Chopper mumbles, trotting closer to the bed and perching on the opposite end from me.

"Yes indeed," I smirk.

"Really?"

"Really really."

He scoots closer. "Do you have a flag?"

I nod with the appropriate amount of seriousness. "Uh huh. Our badass sniper painted it. It's up on our ship, she's a real beauty." I give him a sly smile. "You wanna be a pirate?"

He throws himself off the bed to scramble away from me. "DON'T BE STUPID! WHO TOLD YOU THAT?!" he screams, vocal chords hitting notes most singers can only dream of.

I burst out laughing again. "Alright! Sorry!"

He eventually calms to the point when he sits down on a chair. "Why do you call him a monster? Your Captain, I mean," Chopper asks, eyeing me like I'm gonna pounce on him.

I smile. "I call it as I see it, especially for a boy like him. Our whole crew is made of monsters, now that I think about it." I grin up at the ceiling. "But I really do adore them. I'm pretty sure my Captain saved me."

There's no other word for it. The freedom I've felt since coming here… It's unlike anything I had ever experienced. I couldn't imagine losing it.

"He's damn crazy, got a beautiful dream and a beautiful heart. A little stupid, if I'm being honest. But he loves like he's hungry for it. We all do." What else would happen when you throw a bunch of emotionally stunted weirdos together? I side eye Chopper with another smile. "You wanna come with us?"

He throws himself off the chair. "WHAT?!"

"Yeah! We need a doctor because we're stupid and get hurt often, and if you come with Doctorine might let me leave earlier without trying to skin me!" I laugh.

He looks like he wants to fucking run. "But..! But..! I'm a reindeer who can stand on two legs and talk!"

I smirk. "Yeah, that hadn't exactly escaped my attention."

"I also have a blue nose!" he cries.

I nod. "Yup, it's super cute."

The indignant look he gets is immediately wiped off as Luffy and Sanji's voices start bouncing off the halls, coming closer by the second. I lift up the covers with an inviting smile and a 'come hither' gesture. Chopper visibly hesitates for a second.

"Where are you reindeer?! We just want to eat you!" Luffy hollers from the hall. Chopper's eyes go wide as dinner plates and he lunges under the covers. I flatten them down just as the boys come running in.

"Ed! Have you seen the reindeer?!" they both scream in unison. I wordlessly point out the door. "THANKS!" the two boys scream, running out the door. Doctrine comes screaming through the room after them, slamming the door on her way out. I snicker quietly.

Chopper shimmies out from under the covers and gives me a long look. "...I'm not going to thank a human," he mumbles.

I laugh. "That's fine. Hey, can I give you something?" He gives me another distrustful look while I rustle through my pockets. "Aha! I've been saving this bad boy since we left Loguetown. I'm not overly fond of sweets, but they didn't have any dark chocolate so this is what I have," I wave my chocolate bar in front of his suddenly much more interested face.

"You don't like sweets?" he mumbles, eyes tracking the chocolate like a cat with a laser.

I chuckle. "Nah, too much sugar makes my teeth feel weird. You want it?" He makes a jerk forward but seems to think better of it at the last second. "Consider it thanks for putting up with my boys," I say with an amused smile, placing the bar between us on the bed.

He waits a half second before snatching it up, unwrapping it, and shoving it in his mouth at mach speed. I blink as he makes blissful noises, literal sparkles coming from his eyes. He snaps out of it when he notices I'm staring. He makes a half cough, turning away embarrassed.

I smirk at him. "You don't get much sweets up here?"

He hums. "I mean… not a whole lot."

I take a peek out the window at the snow covered peak. "You don't have maple syrup out here?"

His eyes light up again. "Yes, actually! It's a staple of Drum Island!"

I throw my head back and laugh. This place really is like Canada!

Then my boys come barreling through the door again. "YOU'RE IN HERE, REINDEER?!" they both shout. Chopper screams, jumps off the bed, and takes off through the other door with both of my boys on his heels.

"Again with the open doors…" I mutter, shimming further under the covers with the smile still firmly fixed on my face.

Doctorine plops down into one of the chairs with a sigh. "Those brats sure are quick." She crosses her arms and legs. "I don't much like what you were just doing… Tempting my boy while I'm not around."

I smirk over at her. "I'm a mothers worst nightmare. Watch your back or I'll teach him to be an anarchist."

She cackles, head thrown back. "Go ahead and try! Just take him with you."

I smile back at her. "My Captain is doubtlessly enamoured with him by now, so he has an invitation. It's only a matter of getting him to accept it."

She gives me a wide grin. "It's not gonna be easy. He's got a scar on his heart even my medicine can't heal." It really does make me sad, how lonely Chopper must always feel… "But I suppose you don't want to hear about his plights from me. You seem the type to want to hear it right from the source, or maybe you already have him all figured out!" she cackles.

I laugh too. "I'm a detective, doctor. You don't have to spell out how difficult his life has been for me. It's obvious he's been hurt by a lot of people." I sober out at the end. Never feeling like you can fit in anywhere… yeah, that's something I can empathize with.

"Can you heal his heart?" Doctorine suddenly asks.

I flash a determined grin. "We sure as shit can try."

Notes:

Now the real question: is Ed's immune system bonkers because they're a D, or is it because they're vaccinated?

It was my birthday yesterday but more importantly Y'ALL SEE GEAR 5?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHA I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REST OF THE FIGHT BRO THE ANIMATION WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND IT WAS SO GODDAMN FUNNY HE'S JUST SO GOOFY

Chapter 30: Chapter Thirty: Cheeks Of A Cheshire Grin

Summary:

L.V.S (Your Lady Waits) - Shayfer James

I grab onto her arm as she passes me. "Before you go, I'd like to make a deal," I say with a sly smile. She regards me curiously. I keep going. "I make bets. Mostly with one green haired idiot and a notable whale, but I feel like it's a good time."

Notes:

This song is about Luffy I don't make the rules. Remember that time I said there would be more Shayfer James?

I got a new laptop and bro the switch from Mac to PC is fucking me up.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Doctorine! It's an emergency!" Chopper screams, skidding into the room in his reindeer form. "Wapol is back!"

Doctorine heaves a sigh, "...of course he is." She takes a swig of her wine and gets to her feet. "You stay here and keep resting," she orders me.

"It's not a good time! Wapol is going to try and take the castle!" Chopper wails.

"How about this then, my Captain will drive your problem away. This treatment includes broken bones, broken spirit, and a complete removal of your issue," I smirk.

"And what would the exchange be? You called it a bet," Doctorine asks, narrowed eyes focused on me.

I snicker. "Exchange? My Captain will take care of this Wapol fella, you won't even have to ask him to do it. I bet the cost of our medical treatment on it."

Doctorine's eyes widen as a surprised smile slides across her wrinkled face. "...You really are too clever for your own good. You have a deal, Detective Domino." Then she spins on her heel and marches out. Chopper gives me a weird look before running out the door after her.

I snicker again and snuggle back under the covers and wait.

It doesn't take long before Luffy comes crashing into the room. "It's coooold! Jacket jacket jacket!" he mutters, rooting through piles of crap around the room. "Have you seen my jacket? It's super cold out there!"

I shrug, pulling my blanket over my shoulders. "I dunno. I barely remember having a jacket myself." He groans, then runs to the other side of the room to look. "You fighting that Wapol guy they were yelling about?" I ask.

"Yeah. It's fine, you can just chill out here," he responds.

I spot a jacket I vaguely remember as mine, a green thing with a fur collar and yellow flowers smattered across it, hanging off the end of the bed. "Luf, doll, mine's right there. Just take that," I say, pointing it out.

He snags it off the rail and shrugs it on. "It's kinda boring, but if it's warm it's fine! I'm gonna go beat those people up now." Then he runs out and slams the door behind him.

"Don't ruin my jacket! I like it!" I holler after him, then bury myself back under the covers. I'm never going to see that jacket again.

—

I ignore all of the cannon fire and rumbling of the castle, right up until I hear screaming come from inside. I groan and roll out of the bed, blanket still wrapped around my shoulders, snagging my pistol belt off the end of the bed and securing it.

I shuffle out the door to see Wapol's stupid ass staring right at me. We stare at each other for a second. I blink. He blinks.

"Hi," I mumble. He starts laughing. I sigh and subtly pull my pistol out of its holster, the movement hidden under the thick blanket I tie in a knot at the front.

"You must be another of the Strawhats," he says with a grin.

I throw my head back and groan. "Alright, fuckbucket, I'm still very tired and I want to take a long ass nap. So hows about we make this quick, yeah?"

He grins up at me. "A cocky one, are you? I say we take our time." Then he lunges at the pillar beside me and starts climbing.

I brandish my pistol from under my blanket and point it. "Thanks for being an easy target," I snark, then pull the trigger.

Nothing happens.

I blink. I blink again.

"Oh fuck!"

I NEVER RELOADED IT AFTER LITTLE GARDEN OH MY GOD—

Wapol lands on the balcony and doesn't waste a second before running at me. I release a scream and start tearing ass away from him.

"As king of this country I demand you stop!" he hollers.

"I don't subscribe to monarchies!" I scream back.

I trip on a hole in the middle of the walkway, tumbling down the staircase they put in the worst place imaginable, with another scream.

"WHO DESIGNED THIS PLACE?!"

Thankfully, I see after I land on my feet and take a glance behind, Wapol got stuck in the hole because of his round stature.

He yells some random bullshit I ignore in favour of continuing to run. There's some weird crunching noises behind me, then the heavy clink of metal on stone. "NOPE NOPE NOPE!" I yell, not bothering to turn around.

I make a break for the door. I'm not fighting this wackjob without my gun. All my hopes for a clean escape are dashed by a weight bearing down on me from above. My chin smashes off the floor and we skid a good three feet before coming to a stop.

"I'm going to eat you first!" Wapol cackles.

"Eat my ass loser!" I scream into the snow.

"I found you!" Luffy's voice screams. The weight on top of me abruptly leaves as Luffy's leg stretches above me.

"Thank you!" I groan into the ground.

"Why's that guy skinny now?" he asks, trotting up to me as I get to my feet.

I look over my jacket, still whole on his body. "...You scuffed up my sleeves."

His face droops. "I'm sorry. I tried really hard not to. But! I didn't rip them off!"

I raise an eyebrow. "Was that on the table?"

He just scratches the back of his head and whistles.

"Hello? I'm still here!" Wapol yells from the other side of the room, where he's dislodged himself from the wall.

"Can it, canboy! I'm having a conversation!" I yell back.

He makes an indignant face. "...Behind me is the weapons vault! I have the only key to it!" he yells, slightly more perturbed. Oh right, the key. Shit, if Nami was here she would have taken it.

I bend down and grab a handful of snow. Wapol keeps going on and on while I pack it into a tight ball. Years and years of Canadian winters have prepared me for this moment…

I turn to see him holding the key up in the air by two fingers, clearly flaunting it. "Wapol!" I yell, getting into stance.

"Hm?"

"You're looking at a previous snowball fight champion. Eat this!" And I hurl my snowball with the accuracy befitting my hard won title.

The key flies out of his hand. My snowball explodes into powder that sprays across his shocked face. The key disappears amongst the other snow. He stares at me, mouth wide open. I grin.

"That was pretty cool, Ed!" Luffy laughs.

I smirk at him. "I know." There's a long moment of silence. Wapol continues to stare. "...Is he ok?" I mumble.

"This isn't over!" he blurts, darting around the corner.

"He's getting away! Come back here!" Luffy hollers, giving chase.

I stare after them for a moment, then sigh. "Not my problem anymore."

Then Sanji claws his way across the ground toward me like a madman. "Ed, my love! Thank the heavens you're safe!" he cries.

I wave down at him. "Hi. What happened to your back? Nevermind. Hey, while you're down there, you wanna help me look for this key? I sniped it out of canmans hand but I don't know where it fell," I say, getting on my knees to dig through the snow.

"Whatever you want!" he sings, swiping his arms along the floor. After a solid five minutes of searching, with the song of cannon fire and screaming as our background music, I finally manage to retrieve the key.

"Do you know how much longer she's going to try and keep you here?" Sanji whispers to me as the fighting concludes outside. We're both crouched behind the spiral staircase.

I shrug. "She said under two days, but I want us to hit the road asap. I'll finagle it as soon as you get your spine checked out."

He waves a hand, taking a pull from his cigarette. "You don't have to worry about me, I'll be fine."

I raise an unimpressed eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

"Oh no you won't!" Doctorine's voice yells from the other side of the wall. The stonework above us explodes. We hit the ground screaming. "Get back to the medical ward now!" she bellows.

"YES DOCTOR, SORRY DOCTOR!" we both cry, scrambling to our feet.

—

I'm tucked back into bed when Doctorine comes back in from the room Sanji was screaming from. She takes a big swig of her wine. "Hey Dalton, you seen the key to the weapons vault?"

The man in question, who is laid out in the other bed in the room, looks at her in confusion. "I assume it flew away with Wapol. Why? Do you need it?" he asks.

She turns away from him. "None of your business. That's really too bad…"

I shuffle upright in the bed, a smirk stretching my face. "Doctorine, a question if you will."

She looks at me with a small hint of trepidation. "Yes?"

I twirl my purloined key between my fingers. "We had discussed earlier the payment for my crew's first round of treatment. I assume that debt has been paid in full?"

She gives me a keen look and a knowing smile. "It has."

"However this second round, Sanji's extra injuries and whatnot, is still up in the air?"

She throws her head back and cackles. "Too clever! Too clever by far!"

I grin and toss her the key. "Consider us even. And I wouldn't dare suggest a woman like you speed up my recovery timeline, but I wouldn't mind your Transponder number."

She lets out another cackle, tugging her cropped jacket on and spinning the key around one finger. "Oh, I'd never! I'll be leaving you alone here while I take care of something downstairs. I'll be leaving the door open, and there's coats in that closet right there. Your boy is completely healed by now, too. And my number may or may not be written on that notepad over there."

She turns and points at me. "Don't you dare run away!" Then she spins on her heel and strides out of the room, calling over her shoulder, "the rest of you follow me. I need your help!"

The remaining men file out of the room after her, bewildered looks tossed back at me. I snicker under my breath and get to my feet. I tear the sheet of note paper and tuck it into my pants pockets, giving an unimpressed Dalton a wink.

"You did hear what she said, yes?" he asks me.

I raise my eyebrow at him. "I did, clearly you didn't." He frowns at me. I sigh. "Dalton, yeah? I don't know if you just got conked on the head too hard during your fight, but that was something where I'm from we call subtlety and wordplay."

He frowns harder at me. "You're not very nice."

I smirk down at him. "No, I'm not."

Out of the closet I steal a big warm looking grey plaid jacket, way too big for Doctorine (I briefly wonder who it could have belonged to), and start the process of untying Sanji from the operating table he's strapped into.

Goddamn, Doctorine, way to make it look like a torture chamber. Or a BDSM sex dungeon.

Sanji doesn't stir through the entire process of me dressing him, which may be a good thing in retrospect because I do not want to be the one to mop up his nosebleed before we skedaddle.

I toss Sanji over my shoulder and saunter out of the room, a cheeky thumbs up tossed at Dalton before I disappear down the corridor.

How the hell do I manage to carry his delirious ass when I've been sick for the past few days? I dunno either.

I trot my happy ass outside into the cold to see Nami and Vivi having a conversation beside Usopp who's making a snowman, Zoro who's watching Luffy who's staring at Chopper, and Chopper standing in front of the trees.

"Hi Chopper!" I call, jaunting up to my crew and tossing Sanji to the ground to hug Nami. She wraps her arms around me tight and sighs warm breath into my ear. Chopper doesn't acknowledge me.

"You're gonna come be a pirate, right?!" Luffy cheers, pumping his arms in the air.

"It's not possible," Chopper mutters.

"Sure it is! Being a pirate is super fun!" Luffy responds, bouncing in place from excitement.

"I can't… I'm a reindeer! I've got hooves and antlers! And my nose is blue!" he shouts, furry face scrunched up. "Maybe I do want to be a pirate… but I'm not human! I'm a monster! I can't be friends with humans! So I only came here to thank you!" His face falls. "I… I really appreciate you asking… but I can't…" He visibly hesitates. "I'm going to stay here… But if you want it come and visit—"

"Shut up and come with us!" Luffy hollers, wide grin on his face as he throws his arms and head back. All of us are helpless against the smiles our Captain wrings from us.

Chopper tears up. "OK!"

—

"Ed, are you actually ok now?" Usopp asks me once Chopper runs off to get his things.

"Oh I'm ace, apparently I've got a super strong immune system so I was fighting that shit off like a boss," I answer, making fake punching motions. "Allegedly I have, and I quote, 'fucktones of antibodies for a fucktone of shit,' whatever that means."

Usopp heaves a sigh. "Of course you do, you ridiculous beast."

I shoot him a look. "I'm not gonna ask what that means if you take it back right now."

He hides behind his snowman. "I didn't say anything!" Luffy pushes Usopp into the snowman with a laugh. Usopp spits out a mouthful of snow with a dead expression. We all gracefully ignore the two of them.

"You're super sure you're fine though?" Nami questions, slapping her hand on my forehead. "And why isn't your jacket zipped up?"

I bat her hand away. "Yes I am fine. And zipped coats are for losers who didn't grow up with this kind of shit weather."

Luffy laughs again, lifting his hands from where he was smothering a red faced Usopp in the remains of their snowman. "Yeah! Ed's a snowball fight champion! You shoulda seen them, it was so awesome!"

I smirk and put my hands on my hips. "Damn right! I totally saved the day. And I definitely didn't have to resort to snowballs because my gun wasn't loaded. Nope, not me, never." I'm showered in doubtful looks that make me deflate.

"You're from a winter island? I thought you were from the East Blue," Usopp pipes up.

Nami makes some incredibly unsubtle 'cut it out' gestures at him that I roll my eyes at. "I'm not East Blue native, no. It's a little more… complicated than that."

I'm not explaining this shit, I gotta leave a little bit of mystery. Not to mention the havoc the truth would wreak on this world. Being as vague as I can is probably the best way to keep us all safe.

"It's not our business. Ed's better so we don't have to worry about stalling anymore," Zoro grunts from his snow bench.

I slide over to him while batting my eyelashes. "Oh Zoro, were you worried about lil old me?"

He glares and shoves a handful of snow at me. "Shut up!" he yells. I spit it out and grab two handfuls to shove down his (also stolen) jacket. "You little fucker!" he squawks, tackling me to the ground. I don't stop cackling for a second as we roll around in the snow. "You're such a shit! You spent this whole trip delirious and you still managed to predict the whole damn thing!" he screams into my ear.

Tears stream down my face from how hard I'm laughing. "20,000 berri! You owe me 20,000 berri!" I wheeze helplessly.

"YOU OWE THEM HOW MUCH?!" Nami screeches.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT THEY'RE A DAMN PSYCHIC!" Zoro screams back.

I just keep crying and laughing.

It takes a second for the three of us to chill to a normal degree. Nami goes back to standing with Vivi, and Usopp starts rolling another snowball. Zoro plops back down on his snow bench, still grumbling under his breath.

I shake the snow from my hair and sit down on top of him. He shoots me the stink eye but I guess he still pities how sick I got, because he lets me stay. I throw an arm over his shoulder and he wraps one around my waist.

"Speaking of berri, did the doctor demand any kind of payment?" Nami asks, encroaching horror clear in her tone.

I laugh. "You don't have to shell out a single berri, I promise. I haggled free treatment for everyone who got hurt, in addition to a boon of my own."

"Do I want to know what your 'boon' is?" she groans.

I wiggle my eyebrows. "A MILF's a number."

Zoro points an accusatory finger at Nami. "I'm not asking what that word means and neither are you." I snicker.

"How exactly did you haggle your way out of paying for top class medical treatment?" Usopp questions.

I shrug. "A bet, a key, and a chocolate bar. My only chocolate bar actually, I've been saving it since Loguetown but it wasn't dark chocolate so I figured it was ok to let it go, and Chopper is just too cute—"

"Stop! Stop, you're crazy. Actually straight up bonkers. No wonder you and Luffy get along so well," Usopp snarks.

I point an accusing finger at him "You're being way too mean to me today. I almost died if you don't remember." Nami smothers a groan in her hands. Even Vivi, who's been abnormally quiet, snickers under her breath.

"You're both goddamn idiots! End of discussion!" Zoro barks, using the arm he has around my waist to smack me in the side. I shoot a playful glare at Usopp that he returns by sticking his tongue out and pulling down his eyelid. I roll my eyes. Luffy shoves Usopp's head through his newly constructed snowman.

"We should all get ready for a swift exit, by the way," I mention.

Nami raises an eyebrow. "Why?"

I brush some snow out of Zoro's hair. His stupid ass looks like a Christmas tree. "Because Doctorine is a lot like Zeff in a couple of ways. Namely their first reaction to getting their kid to leave. With a bang."

They all shoot me confused looks that remind me none of them were on the Baratie at that time. Luffy starts laughing louder though. "This will be fun then!"

Nami sends us apprehensive looks. "Is this going to end with screaming or bodily injury..?" I make a so-so gesture.

On that cue Chopper comes screaming out of the castle, full reindeer form pulling along a sleigh like it's Christmas fucking night. "What the hell is that?!" Zoro squawks.

"GET ON THE SLEIGH! WE'RE GOING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN!" Chopper screams.

Then angry Doctorine, hurling all kinds of knives and other horrific weapons, comes into view. Everyone starts screaming. I grab on tight to Zoro's pilfered jacked, also screaming. Everyone jumps up to get on the sleigh.

Zoro doesn't even bother pushing me off, he just picks me up princess style and throws me. I land hard in the bed of the sleigh. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I curse, hand on my poor lower back.

We zoom towards the edge of the cliff.

Luffy lands next to me in the bottom of the sleigh, shoving his scuffed cheek against mine with a loud laugh. Vivi and Nami cling to each other as we pick up speed. Sanji is propped up on a seat by Usopp, who is holding the side of the sleigh so hard it may splinter. Zoro stares forward with a healthy dose of fear.

Chopper clears the entrance to the tram. We go flying down the rope.

I stare up at the moon. Albedo masks the sky in a hazy grey, and I can't help the tear that slips out of my eye unbidden.

This really is making me miss home.

Luffy rubs his cheek against mine, wet and smooth where my tear fell. I look at him. He looks back, that familiar fond but sad look keen in his eyes.

But I think this is better.

I grin and throw my hands above my head. My Captain's eyes flash and he does the same beside me.

"WOOOOOOOO!"

We slam onto solid snow and careen past a gaggle of people at the base of the giant tree the rope was moored to. "That was awesome! Let's do it again!" Luffy cheers.

"I thought I was gonna die…" Usopp whimpers.

Sanji finally wakes up on the bench behind us. "Wa's goin' on?!" he mumbles, startling upright.

"Just keep your eyes up," I state, staring up at the white snow with a wide genuine smile, an arm hooked around my Captain.

Cannon fire sounds behind us. The sky lights up pink.

We skid to a stop as Chopper shrinks and runs past us, pure disbelief etched on his face. Pink snowfall like cherry blossoms falls around us. I smile and pull Luffy closer.

Chopper throws his head back and wails.

Notes:

Ed isn't a middle child but has middle child tendencies because I'm a middle child and I write them like they are too.

The family dynamic is just ruthlessly bullying each other to show they care 3

Chapter 31: Chapter Thirty One: Nobody Loves Me Like You Love Me

Summary:

Hold Each Other - A Great Big World

The… for lack of a better word I'm going to call it party, but know that I use that word loosely, is kicked into full gear in an unreasonably short amount of time. Drinks are passed around, and Sanji somehow manages to cook a full course meal while I have my back turned.

Notes:

Dude I though this chapter was short but as I was setting it up I realized it was way over 4k? Idk how that happened? Either way I guess that's my standard now lmao.

Gear 5 just keeps getting better, a couple of my favourite moments of the fight were in this weeks episode T-T

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

I watch the pink snowflakes melt on the water from beside a quiet Chopper as we sail away from Drum Island. The boys are being rambunctious little fucks behind us, but I keep my eyes level.

I absentmindedly rub at my sternum while Vivi cries into Karoo's frozen feathers. We literally had to fish his goofy ass out of the river while we were leaving. "What were you doing in the water?!" she wails hysterically.

Karoo starts babbling while Zoro laughs nervously. "He probably just slipped and fell in the river like an idiot."

"Shut up!" Vivi snaps. Karoo continues to babble.

"He said he saw Zoro slip and fall in the river after grumbling about not being able to go in. He jumped in to save him, but instead he froze," Chopper pipes up from beside me.

I fold at the waist and start laughing hysterically. "You! You fucking fell! You goddamn idiot I told you — hey don't you daRE—"

I'm cut off by Zoro furiously grabbing me in a headlock. "Shut up! Shut your damn mouth you intolerable jackass!" he squawks, hauling me to the ground in a wrestling move that sends my stomach heaving.

I keep laughing through the wheezing breath. "Um — maybe you should… not do that?" Chopper hesitantly mumbles somewhere to my left.

"Listen to him! Listen to the reindeer!" I wheeze, hands blindly smacking at Zoro. He releases me and I sprawl across the deck. I heave in a breath and glare at Zoro as he sits his annoying ass on the deck beside me, a triumphant smirk etched on his face. "You still fell in a freezing river. 6,000 berri," I wheeze.

His smirk drops into a scowl as Luffy starts laughing, having pulled chopsticks out of his nose to shove them at Usopp. My hand comes up to rub at my sternum once more. "Ed, do you have asthma?" Chopper asks, dropping into a crouch beside my head.

I shrug, breath still coming shallow. "Dunno. The cold is making it a little hard to breathe, but it hasn't been making a significant impact. Figured it wasn't a problem." I give him concerned eyes. "Is it a problem?!"

He shakes his head. "It's probably nothing serious, the cold weather and your recent sickness may just be causing inflammation in your lungs. I can give you a more thorough check later if you're interested, but Doctorine and I saw nothing wrong up in the castle."

I frown. "Well if you both didn't see anything it can't be that serious. You are both very good at what you do."

He gives me a somewhat cheeky grin. "I think she liked you, even after you called her a hot old lady while you were passed out."

My eyes bug out. "I did WHAT?!"

He giggles, a hoof coming up to cover his mouth. "It was funny! I don't think I've ever seen Doctorine laugh so much during a procedure!"

I groan into my hands. "I am so fucking dumb…"

"Why do you know so many smart people words?" Luffy asks, coming over to crouch by my head as well.

I roll my eyes and try to forget my embarrassment. "Chopper's a doctor. A damn good one at that."

Chopper turns red and starts doing his stupid little dance again. "Damnit, that doesn't make me happy you know!"

"...WAIT HE'S A DOCTOR?!" the boys yell.

I stare blankly upward. "Sometimes I manage to forget how hopelessly stupid you all are."

"You didn't know? Just why did you ask him to join us then?" Nami asks Luffy incredulously.

"He's a talking transforming reindeer monster," Luffy states as if it's self explanatory. It kind of is.

"Emergency food," Sanji answers.

Usopp raises an eyebrow at Nami. "How exactly did you know he was a doctor?"

She hoists a bag with Choppers white X on it. "I found this in the sled. I figured it was his," she replies, self satisfied smile on her face. She gives me a sidelong smirk. "I can do detective work too."

I snort, rolling up to sit criss-cross applesauce. "Your mom's something else, Chopper."

Chopper himself barely acknowledges my words, he's too busy staring down at his bag with something like surprised affection in his wide eyes.

Luffy has somehow gotten ahold of multiple pairs of chopsticks, and has managed to convince Usopp to shove them up his nose. "You guys are idiots," Nami groans, turning to Chopper for some sense of maturity.

She's very disappointed when she sees he also has put the chopsticks in his nose.

Zoro shoves a drink into my hand and I eye him dubiously. He rolls his eyes at me. "It's not the same shit you drank back in East Blue. I promise this doesn't taste as bad."

I sniff the drink apprehensively. The faint smell of strawberry greets my nose. "Is… Is this strawberry flavoured vodka?" I murmur.

He shrugs. "Dunno. You like fruit, right? I have literally no idea where we got this, but it tasted fine to me."

I eye him over the rim of my cup. "You would drink straight rubbing alcohol and say it's good."

He squints at me. "It was one time, and I was in a bad mood. I didn't do it again."

I sigh, long and exasperated. The hell did I do to get saddled with such an idiot?

I take a tentative sip of the drink. It tastes like strawberry and alcohol. Suffice to say, it makes my face scrunch up and my nose tingle. "It's not bad, but I really don't like the taste of alcohol. I think I'd prefer just regular juice," I admit.

He sighs and takes the cup from me. "More for me I guess." Then he points at me with an undeserved amount of seriousness. "But know this. I will find a drink you like or die trying. I promise."

I point back at him accusingly. "Know forever in your heart you just encouraged underage drinking. Live with this burden."

He gives me a confused stare. "Underaged? Aren't you eighteen?" I nod, also giving him a confused stare.

"What's the legal drinking age where you're from?" we both ask at the same time.

"Nineteen. Not that people where I'm from really listen to that, I knew kids who got alcohol poisoning at the age of fourteen," I answer.

Zoro raises an eyebrow. "Nineteen? That's weird. We don't really have a strict drinking age in the East Blue, it's like a soft sixteen. As long as you aren't… getting alcohol poisoning at fourteen, you're free to indulge as you please."

I hum. "Huh. interesting."

Zoro is quickly dragged into a fight with Sanji after that. I scoot backwards until I hit the bannister beside Chopper, who still has chopsticks in his nose. "You having fun?" I ask, amused.

He stares at the ruckus with a strange expression. "I…"

His thought is interrupted by Usopp. "Let's have a toast for our new friend!" he hollers, hoisting his cup high and shoving two over at me and Chopper.

Chopper looks down into his glass. Then he looks up at me with a delighted grin. "This is the happiest I've ever been!"

My heart melts in my chest. I grab Chopper in one arm and raise my glass with the other. "To Chopper!" I holler. All my crewmates join me in the toast, cups lifted to the pink snowing sky and wide smiles fixed firmly in place.

"YAHOOO!"

—

"Hey Ed?" Luffy murmurs into my shoulder that night, tucked away in the boys cabin couch with the drone of snoring around us, everyone tuckered out from a night of partying.

I hum sleepily into his hair.

"I'm glad you're ok," he says quietly. His voice sounds raw.

I pull him closer and sigh contently into his head. "I told you I'd be fine. You literally can't get rid of me at this point," I mumble.

He breathes out a laugh. "Ok, good." He presses a clumsy kiss into my skin and snuggles in closer, humming something quietly as I drift off into sleep.

—

"Ed, you work out in the mornings, right?" Zoro asks me while I'm getting a glass of water from the galley the next day.

I raise an eyebrow at him over my shoulder. "A little, why?"

He thumbs the hilt of his sword where he's leaning by the door. "We're going to work out together," he states.

I whip my head around to him. "Uh, what? Dude, your workout routine would kill me. I've seen the shit you lift, I would actually fucking die."

He huffs, arms crossed. "What's going to kill you is not getting stronger. Just look at what happened on Little Garden."

I frown at him. "I did good on Little Garden."

He continues unperturbed. "You got caught without the means to defend yourself, and you would have gotten killed if we hadn't intervened. And then you got sick and almost died anyway."

I frown harder. I guess he does make a good point…

Wait a second—

"Hold up, Zoro, are you saying the reason I got sick was because I'm weak?" I ask incredulously. He gets this look on his face like he doesn't like the way I said it but can't disagree.

I sigh, setting down my glass to fully turn to him. "Look, I can agree that the way I fight put me in a tough spot back there. But I still would have gotten bit if I had bigger biceps. That is the one thing me being stronger wouldn't have fixed." He opens his mouth to argue but I beat him to the punch. "I'm not saying I don't want to get stronger, or that we can't be workout buddies. You make a solid point. But goddamnit Zoro, what would I have done? Punch the illness outta myself?"

He scrunches his nose. "...Maybe. I don't know! You looked ready to kick the bucket any second though!" he snaps defensively.

I scowl at him. "But I didn't, because I have a kickass immune system!"

"But you could have!" he rebuffs, pushing off the wall to take a step towards me.

I take a step forward as well. "But I didn't! Why are you getting so worked up?!"

His expression crunches up. "Damnit Ed, what would we have done if you died?! Especially to something so stupid!" My retort dies on my lips. Zoro stalks forward the last few paces to be nose to nose with me. "You're the First Mate. That means you aren't allowed to die because you aren't up to snuff."

I stare up into his intense eyes for a moment before looking away. "...You're the one who said it didn't take strength to be a good First Mate," I say quietly.

Zoro hesitates before his expression turns firm. "That doesn't mean you shouldn't still work to be as strong as you can be."

I frown down at my feet. "...I know. But you gave me advice and I took it. Strength isn't my only weapon. I can agree that I won't always measure up as First Mate in terms of raw power, but you know that isn't my style." I glance up at him then back down. "I plan and I play different angles. I find weak points. That's what I'm good at. I'm a tactician before a fighter, and I don't see that changing." I heave a sigh and gently punch him in the chest. "Again, I don't think you're wrong," I mumble, "but… I'm never gonna be a frontline fighter like you Sanji and Luffy. I'm just… not built for that."

He looks down at me and sighs. "That excuse isn't going to hold up forever, but fine. We can just do like… pushups. Or something."

"Sounds good, just don't kill me before Alabasta does," I smirk, pulling my fist back and holding it up. He gives me a good natured eyeroll and bumps his own against mine. Then a ladle comes flying in from out of nowhere and smacks him on the head.

"Get the fuck out of my kitchen you ogre!" Sanji hollers, chucking a wooden spoon at him.

Zoro ducks, grabbing the spoon out of the air and hurling it back. "What did you call me?!"

I saunter out of the galley as their fighting intensifies, shutting the door behind me. "Aw wait shit I forgot my water—"

—

"Vivi, if I don't learn how this cannon works now I am going to blow a hole through the ship."

I slam the cannon case on the deck in front of where Vivi was reclining on Karoo. She jolts and looks up at me surprised. "The cannon..? I mean I guess?" she says hesitantly.

I grin down at her. "You promised to teach me, so teach!"

She slowly sits up, unclicking the clasps on the case. "It's not a terribly complicated weapon, you won't have to reload the gunpowder unless you're hoping for a supercharged shot. There's rounds in this compartment right here," she flips open an additional compartment in the case that I hadn't noticed earlier, there's a total of ten small cannonballs packed in there and she takes one out. "You just have to load the shot in here," she slides it down the front of the barrel, "and flip this lever right here." She clicks something beside the trigger and passes the cannon to me. "Don't point it at anyone unless you want them blown overboard. The crosshairs are a little weird, so I'd suggest aiming slightly higher than you want to hit."

I stare down at the cannon with starry eyed reverence. I hoist it up on my shoulder and point it across the deck at where Zoro is eating a sandwich. "Hey, Listerine!" I call. Then I shoot.

He looks up confused just in time to duck out of the way of the cannon ball. It splashes into the water and sprays a healthy dose of seawater at a bewildered Zoro. "What the fuck was that?!" he squawks.

I shrug. "Testing my aim? You were such a bitch about me getting a cannon I figured you'd want to see it in action."

He glares at me and draws one of his swords. "I will kick your ass, you motherfucker—"

I load a second cannonball, flip the switch, and fire it at his head. He lunges forward under the projectile and takes a swing at my own head with the flat of his blade. I squeal, toss the cannon at Vivi and go running up the stairs.

I barely make it up to the second deck before a blade lodges in the wall beside my head. "Did you just throw your sword like a javelin?!" I screech, booking it across the deck.

"Yes! Come here you little shit!" he yells back.

The door beside me swings open and Sanji tosses Luffy out of it, right in my path. I scream, smacking right into him and sending both of us rolling. Luffy, the idiot, starts laughing. "What are we doing?"

"Trying not to die!" I yell back, trying to slow us down before we smack into the railing.

"You green turd, what the hell are you doing to Ed?!" Sanji screams behind me.

The good news is we don't smack into the railing, the bad news is we fall right over it into the water.

We splash through the surface and I hook an arm around the suddenly limp Luffy. I kick us both to the surface and spit out a mouthful of seawater. I glare up at Zoro and Sanji, who are ignoring us and fighting on the deck.

"Get me a fucking rope you assholes! The ship is actively moving!" I yell. The sounds of fighting continue while I furiously paddle alongside the boat. I'm smacked in the face by a life preserver and dunk back under for a second.

I thread Luffy through the floating loop and glare up at an apologetic Vivi who's flanked by an angry Nami. "What the hell were you doing?!" she screams, shaking her fist at all of us.

The boys stop fighting to look down at me in the water. "Oops."

Nami smacks both of them in the head and hands them the rope our preserver is attached to. "Pull them up!" she orders.

"Yeah!" I agree from far below.

She turns her glare on me. "I saw what you did! You're at fault too!"

I smile sheepishly as we're slowly pulled back up to the ship. Luffy rolls on the deck and shakes around like a worm or a wet dog. I vigorously shake my head and wring my shirt out.

Nami points accusing fingers at all of us. "Luffy, stop sneaking into the kitchen. Sanji and Zoro, stop fighting! And Ed, no more firing your fucking bazooka at people who aren't trying to kill us!"

We all nod our heads. "Yes Nami, sorry Nami," we say in unison.

—

I'm in the galley sipping some black tea with Sanji and looking at the newspaper's comic strips (which are all Marine propaganda, by the way) a few days later when the yelling starts outside. I groan into my cup and rub my eyes.

After literally having to tie Luffy to the bed for the last few nights to stop him from eating our entire food stores while we sleep, I am fucking exhausted.

"I got it. You stay here," I grumble to Sanji, who gives me a thumbs up and continues to saute his vegetables.

I stroll out the door just in time to watch Bon Clay sucker punch Luffy across the face.

I stare with the most flat expression I've used in days. Bon Clay, now with Luffy's face, starts parading around the deck while laughing maniacally. I watch his little show with vague amusement for a couple minutes while he switches through everybody.

I snort loudly when the boys get up and start dancing with him. Bon Clay pauses his antics to turn his attention at me. I stare back. There's a tense moment of silence across the ship.

I lift my hand and make the limp wrist motion, his eyes light up and he does it back.

The vibe switches in a second. We both drop into couches and point at each other with big grins on our faces and start squealing.

I vault the rail to leap at him, a loud laugh bursting out of my mouth. Bon Clay catches me and starts spinning around with me hoisted up like a cat. We're both just making weird screeching noises and nonsensical babbles.

"What is happening? Ed, do you know this guy?" Nami asks, incredulity and morbid fascination plain in her expression.

"Hand wavy gender recognizes hand wavy gender," I answer, both of us flapping our hands. "I've never fucking met 'em!"

"Even so! It's always a pleasure to meet fellow queers on the sea! No joke!" Bon Clay sings, striking a pose that makes his pink Okama Way robe sway about him.

"Especially one as lovely as you!" I reply, batting my eyelashes.

He throws his head back and laughs. "Oh you're just too much! Stop, you'll make me blush!" It's my turn to laugh.

"Hey, is that ship headed this way yours?" Nami suddenly asks, pointing at a pink sailed ship swiftly making its way towards us.

"Oh my, is it time to leave already? What a shame," Bon Clay sighs, jumping up onto the rail and landing en pointe. The boys make disappointed sounds behind me, Usopp actually tearing up. "Don't be sad, all journeys must include a farewell! Still I shall never forget this. Length of time means nothing to true friendship!" Bon Clay cries, a thumbs up thrown over his shoulder at us and a tear in his eye.

"We'll see you again!" the boys scream.

"Goodbye darling!" I yell, waving vigorously at him as he leaps onto his ship as it passes us.

"Let's be going!" Bon Clay yells to his crew.

"Yes sir! Mr. 2, Bon Clay sir!" his crew yells back. Then they're sailing away.

My own crew's jaws drop around me.

"Mr. 2?!" Vivi spins around to me with absolute horror written on her face. "Didn't you have pictures of all the Baroque Works agents?! How did you not recognize him?!"

I shrug. "I did."

Somehow all of their jaws drop further.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!" they all yell.

I shrug again. "Gay solidarity?"

Nami falls to her knees and Usopp bursts into tears. "Why are you like this?" he whimpers into his hands.

"You could have put us all in danger! He has our faces now!" Vivi screeches.

I wave my hand. "He seems like a nice guy, besides! We can make countermeasures for this!"

Vivi clutches at her hair. "He had my fathers face!"

Nami crosses her arms. "He's a very dangerous enemy to have, if that's the case. Even just having our faces… We may not even be able to trust each other."

"Really?" Luffy questions, head tilted like a puppy.

Zoro puts a hand on both his and my shoulders. "I don't think it'll be a problem. I think it's a good thing we met him when we did. Ed has a point, now we can use countermeasures."

That train of thought is interrupted as the sea starts to bulge beside our ship. A gigantic Sea Cat rises from the water to tower over us. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" Usopp screams, him and Chopper flailing around together.

Luffy starts winding his fist up while Zoro takes out his swords. "MEAT! THAT THING IS MEAT!"

"KILL IT OR I'LL KILL YOU!" Sanji hollers, running out of the galley. I sigh, rubbing my eyes. Even though I stopped Luffy from eating all our food, that dumb bitch is always going to be himself.

"You can't eat that!" Vivi snaps, smacking all three of them on the head. "Sea Cats are sacred creatures in Alabasta!"

The Sea Cat takes that as its opportunity to sink below the waves, a fearful glance tossed at our crew as it does.

"Why is the sea so scary…" Usopp whimpers.

"It's sure full of a lot of things!" Chopper says enthusiastically.

"Including a menagerie of Baroque Works ships," I add, staring at the slowly approaching platoon of them behind us.

"Guess that's proof we're closing in on Alabasta," Zoro states.

"The wind and weather is stabilizing, so we've entered Alabasta's climate area," Nami announces.

"Those must be the Billions converging on Alabasta…" Vivi mumbles.

"We should just blow them up right now!" Usopp cries.

"No! It would be faster to just go over and beat them all up! No wait, I need to eat first!" Luffy cuts in.

"Stop worrying. They're nothing," Zoro scoffs.

"Yeah. We need to keep our eyes on the prize or we might lose. Nine against two hundred sucks," Sanji adds with a smirk.

After a marker and a roll of bandages are passed around the group we all give each other solemn nods. "I'd like to propose a verbal password as well. Never a bad idea to have a backup, and it would probably be faster than unwrapping these," I pipe up.

There's nods from a few people. "That's smart. What would the password be though?" Nami asks.

I close my eyes and nod sagely. "Swordfish. It's always swordfish." I'm given flat looks all around.

"I like it! Swordfish is a type of food!" Luffy laughs.

I swing an arm around him with a smirk. "See, the Captain agrees with me! Swordfish it is!"

"Is this clone guy really that good?" Sanji asks, tightening his bandage with his teeth.

"He's not just good, he's an exact copy! You should have seen him! We even got to dance with him." Usopp exclaims.

Sanji raises a dubious eyebrow. "Yeah… I'm not interested in a male ballerina," he says, scoffing out a puff of smoke.

"Careful," I say mildly.

He waves his cigarette at me. "Apologies."

"Well with all the information Ed got us about the enemy, this won't be nearly as tedious as it could have been," Zoro states, tugging his own bandage into place. "We should go over the last few of them now so we don't get blindsided again." I nod in agreement.

Chopper looks up with a determined face. "What should I do?"

Usopp is the one that answers him. "Just do what you can, you don't have to do anything more than that. And if a fight gets too hard, just run away."

Sanji shakes his head. "You're just saying that for yourself."

I cross my arms and tilt my head back. "No, that's pretty solid advice. We're all going to have bad matchups among their ranks. As long as we keep Sanji away from the ladies it should work out fine, though."

There's a couple of snorts from the crew. "I can see the island!" Luffy cheers.

"We should dock in Nanohana and hide the ship," Vivi suggests.

Luffy comes up on my left and puts his arm out. "Whatever happens from now on, this is proof of our friendship!" Me and the rest of the crew thrust our arms out as well. "Now let's land! TO A RESTAURANT!" Luffy hollers. "Oh, and to Alabasta,"

I sigh and shove his hat further down his head. I half-assedly wave my arm through the air. We need a better cheer than that. "Let's try not to die in the desert because that would suck!"

"That was worse than Luffy's!"

Notes:

When in doubt make up drinking laws. I do what I want.

I promise we'll actually get to Alabasta next chapter and oh boy... this arc...
Let's just say I hope y'all down with tension and that hurt/comfort shit.

Also the Critical Role references in this and the next chapter are very important to me, idc if you actually see or understand them.

Chapter 32: Chapter Thirty Two: Raise Some Hell Before We Ghost

Summary:

Rebels - Call Me Karizma

I glare at him over my shoulder as we disembark. "First of all, I don't do anything with grace so write that down."

Notes:

WE'RE FINALLY HERE! Buckle up fuckers, this arc is... yikes.

I have a severe and crippling weakness for cowboys. Just know that.

I am once again begging people to put funny shit in their bookmarks for this fic. Please I wanna read them.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Luffy has leapt off the ship before we're even fully docked.

Nami throws her head back and groans. "After we get some disguises, you're going after him!" she announces, pointing right at me.

"Hah? Why me?" I blink.

She rolls her eyes. "You're the First Mate, you're basically his keeper."

I frown. "That feels like too much responsibility for one person."

Zoro smacks me on the back with a smirk. "And yet you'll handle it gracefully."

I glare at him over my shoulder as we disembark. "First of all, I don't do anything with grace so write that down."

Vivi gasps from behind us. "Mr. 3's ship is here!"

Usopp groans. "I thought that guy died?"

"Don't worry about him. Crocodile is probably dealing with him personally. I mean, he did send Bon Clay to kill him after all," I state, scuffing the toe of my boot in the sand. This is gonna be such a bitch to walk through… There's some noises of shock from my companions. I turn back to them with a raised eyebrow. "Did… you guys not get that?"

Nami shoots me a look. "How would we have gotten that?"

"I thought you could do detective work too?" I snark. "But really, why the hell else would Mr. 2 be on the same route as us from Little Garden? Especially after what Sanji told Crocodile while pretending to be Mr. 3."

Sanji hums, coming up behind me to look out at the city. "It does make sense, he seemed pretty upset when he thought I mishandled things."

I nod. "So we don't need to spare him a second thought."

"Still, we should be discreet until we get those disguises and supplies," Usopp pipes up.

"There should be somewhere in the outskirts we can hide," Vivi suggests.

I nod. "Ok. Sanji and Chopper, both of you haven't been seen by any Baroque Works agents, so this is all on you."

Sanji clenches his fists with a determined look. "Whatever you say!"

Chopper puffs out his chest. "You can leave it to us!"

I snort. "I trust you two to make good choices," then I get up in Sanji's face, "but you listen to me, bucko. We are going to be trekking through the desert. That means we need to dress practically, not provocatively." His face turns bright red from the proximity. "I want a hat and pants with pockets," I smile, patting him on his blushing cheek.

He drops into a crouch with an intense aura. "I will not fail you in this!"

—

Finding a half destroyed house on the outskirts proves easy. Sanji and Chopper are sent out with a loan from Nami (it takes every single one of us to talk her out of exuberant interest rates) while the rest of us wait.

"I'm very relieved at least this town seems ok," Vivi sighs.

"Vivi. You said you had a plan for stopping the rebel army, right?" Zoro asks. She gives him a nod and he continues. "So what do you need us to do to help?" Vivi blinks at him in surprise. "If you want this over before it even starts we have to move quickly."

Vivi hesitates. "I… yeah, but our agreement was only to bring me to Alabasta—"

She's cut off my Nami knocking her on the head. "Knock that off. We came all the way here, we're not going to leave you high and dry now."

"Besides, I wanna see this Warlord of the Sea," Zoro adds.

Nami points at him. "Be quiet!" Then she swivels her head and shoves her face right at Vivi, who turns scarlet. "You listen to me! We're not going to leave!"

"They are trying to kill us all. And I don't like leaving things unfinished," I pipe up, a smirk tossed at Vivi.

"Also I want our reward money!" Nami grins.

Zoro groans. "You're terrible."

"You're in debt," both me and Nami speak at the same time.

Zoro's face drops and Usopp bursts out laughing. Even Vivi starts snickering.

"There's an oasis city northwest of here called Yuba. The rebel army is based there, so I think it should be our first stop so I can head off the revolution," Vivi explains.

I hum. "Honestly it may be a better course of action to just head right to Rainbase and beat up Crocodile."

Vivi shoots me a look. "Why? If I stop the rebels, that's one less problem on our plates."

I raise my eyebrow at her. "If you can. I'm willing to bet there's Baroque Works agents in both the rebel army and the royal guard. That means even if you do quell the actual rebels, Crocodile can just have his agents restart the chaos at his whim." Her face reddens for an entirely different reason from earlier. "I'm just saying, maybe cutting the heads off this hydra isn't the play. Let's skip the disappointment and just burn the motherfucker," I state, crossing my arms.

Vivi's face drops into a frown. "But —"

Her response is cut off by Sanji (now in more appropriate clothing) and Chopper rounding the broken wall with a shittone of bags and big smiles. "My loves, I'm back!" Sanji sings. "Oh and you bastards too." He tosses a sack of clothing at the boys then presents Nami, Vivi and I with our own bags. I start pulling shit out of mine before Sanji hands me a hat with a yellow sheer scarf wrapped around it. "For you, my dear!" he croons.

I give him a big smile and a kiss on the cheek before turning back to my bag and starting to strip. "Wait a second! Do you have any decency?!" Usopp screeches.

I pull my shirt off unperturbed. "I possess no shame."

Sanji had gotten me dull yellow wide legged pants (with lots of pockets, thank god) and a green open front tunic with yellow trim. I pop on my hat and hook the sunglasses that were inside the bag down the front of my sports bra.

"You're a literal godsent, Sanji—" I cut myself off when I turn around and see what he got for the girls. They're still dressed like they were in canon. I give him a flat look. "Dancers are not discreet, darling."

He wipes his nosebleed and turns away while puffing out heart shaped clouds. "I think dancers are very discreet!"

Nami slowly spins in her new attire. "I think it's gorgeous, I totally approve," she smirks.

Vivi looks significantly more concerned with her outfit. "Sanji, we're crossing a desert…" she says hesitantly, hiking her skirt up higher.

Sanji swoons and sighs. "If you get tired I'll carry you!"

Nami snickers and slaps me on the back. "Ok, now go get the Captain, First Mate!"

I throw my head back and groan. "I didn't sign up to be an idiot wrangler…"

She smirks and pushes me out of our hiding place. "Yes, you did!"

—

It takes a pathetically short amount of time for me to get lost. You stop to buy jerky for five minutes and suddenly you're in a different damn part of town! I am going to have to fix this fast, or my ass is gonna end up like Zoro.

I tap a random lady on the shoulder. "Excuse me, I'm looking for a restaurant. Bean something."

That's where Luffy is headed, right? Uhhh Bean House? No, that sounds dumb that's not right…

"Do you mean Spice Bean?" the woman asks, an amused look in her eyes.

I snap. "Yes! That's it!"

She laughs. "It's just down that road there. I'd be careful though, they say some guy dropped dead in there!"

I wave her off with a smile. "Don't worry about me, thank you for the directions!"

I barely make it ten feet down the street before something with all the force of a flying rocket slams into my side. I yelp as I'm dragged the opposite direction down the street. I turn my head to my assailant, arm raised for a punch.

Unfortunately, the person dragging me through the town is my very own Captain.

"Wha—" I'm cut off by a huge plume of smoke shooting up behind us. I whip my head to Luffy. "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

He gives me a wide eyed look. "NOTHING!"

I start pumping my legs in tandem with his. "I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!"

A giant crowd of Marines come spilling into the streets behind us while I grab Luffy by the hand and tug him in the direction the rest of our crew is in. "So how was your lunch?" I ask between breaths.

He shrugs. "Food was good, but that smokey guy showed up so I had to rush."

I use my free hand to massage my temple. "Fucking Smoker, forgot about that dude." I finally spot the ruins the rest of our crew is squatting in. "UP AND AT 'EM, SHITBIRDS! WE'RE LEAVING!" I scream, blowing right past them.

There's screams of outrage from the crew as they start running after us.

"Get back, men! Domino and Strawhat are mine!" Smoker's gravelly voice yells behind us.

"Why me too?!" I shriek, trying desperately to run faster. It's not going well.

There's a sudden flash of heat at our backs and a yell.

The crew skids to a halt and turns. Out of the fire emerges a man, shirtless with the mark of Whitebeard across his back, and an orange cowboy hat on a head of wild black hair. "Give it up," he laughs, "you may be smoke, but I'm fire. You don't stand a chance."

Was that Travis Willingham with a southern accent? OH MY GOD ACE HAS TRAVIS WILLINGHAM'S VOICE—

Luffy's jaw drops beside me, his hand momentarily tightening in mine. "Ace..?!"

The man in question looks over his shoulder at us, a smirk stretched across freckled cheeks. "You haven't changed a bit, Luffy." Ace cracks his neck back and forth. "You go ahead and run, I'll take care of these guys and catch up to y'all," he says, dropping into a crouch and turning back to the horde of Marines.

Luffy flashes a blinding grin before he's spinning on his heel and pulling me in the direction of the ship. "Let's go!" he hollers.

"Wait, who is that guy?" Nami asks as the rest of them join us in running.

"Ask questions on the ship!" I order, trying not to trip on the loose sand. I fail miserably and almost pull Luffy to the ground with a shriek. He manages to catch me, a little too late considering the mouthful of sand I got but whatever, and drags me back to my feet.

"You're so clumsy, Ed!" he laughs.

I glare and spit the sand at him. "I don't wanna hear that from you!"

We somehow manage to get to the ship in one piece despite the sand's best efforts to stop me. I can see Vivi handing the envelope I gave her, much more full than before, off to Karoo before he's running off into the desert while I help Nami roll a barrel across the deck.

"So spill the beans, who the hell was that?" Zoro asks, sitting down on top of a different barrel.

"Oh, he's my brother!" Luffy says with a laugh.

The crew around me explodes in shock. "Brother?!"

Luffy tilts back and forth on the rail and I lean into it beside him. "Yup! He's three years older than me, and I've never beat him in a fight. He's super strong!"

Nami rubs her head. "A family of monsters, then…"

Usopp points an accusing finger at me where I'm leaning on the railing. "Why don't you look surprised?"

I shrug. "I knew."

He slaps a hand to his face. "Of course you did. What, did you do a background check before you agreed to join Luffy?"

I snort. "No, he told me. And I was scammed onto the crew by his cute face."

There's a thud on the bannister and then a smiling face is in my periphery. "He has that effect," Ace laughs while Luffy falls forward onto the deck.

"Ace!" he cheers.

Ace, still crouched beside me, ducks into something of a bow. "Nice to meet y'all! Thanks for taking care of my little brother."

We all dip into similar bows. "Oh, no not at all," we all say in unison.

"No really, I know he can be a lot," Ace grins.

"No trouble," we all say again. It's actually kinda weird that we can all do that, now that I think about it… Whatever.

I tilt my head and give him a once over. "Boy, I'd love me a cowboy hat like that…" I mumble. He gives me a cheeky grin and tips the brim of his hat at me.

Sanji brings an unlit cigarette to his lips. "Well why don't you come in, I'll make some tea."

Ace laughs, "oh, I'd hate to impose." Then he points at Sanji's cigarette and the end sparks to life, Sanji's face going pink as he takes a hit. Ace blows his finger like a smoking gun and gives me a wink. "It's an absolute pleasure to meet y'all."

That was fruity as FUCK.

I throw my head back and laugh.

"So what are you doing here, Ace?" Luffy asks, finally picking himself off the floor and leaning across me.

Ace raises an eyebrow. "You didn't get my message in Drum? Eh, nevermind. No biggie." His eyes do a quick sweep of the crew. "Anyways. I'm here on a little bit of business, but I'm glad I saw you," he flashes a sly smile at Luffy, "Luffy, why don't you come join the Whitebeard Pirates? With your friends of course."

Luffy blows him a raspberry. "Nope."

Usopp's jaw drops. "Whitebeard?! So is that mark on your back real?"

Ace nods. "Yup. It's my pride and joy. Whitebeard is the greatest pirate I've ever known," he looks intently at his brother, "I want him to be the King of the Pirates, not you Luffy."

Luffy smiles. "That's fine! I'll just fight him."

I snort. Ace gives me a sharp eyed smile. "Something funny about that?"

I give him a lopsided grin. "Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. It's just…"

Is this going to piss him off? Eh.

"I've never even met Whitebeard, but I'm willing to bet every berri I've ever swindled out of Zoro that he doesn't want to be King of the Pirates."

I ignore Zoro's quiet "swindled?" in favour of Ace's raised eyebrow.

"Who needs a title he could have taken at any time when he's already got his greatest treasure?" I muse. His eyebrow raises even further. "You. His family. All of 'em," I elaborate.

Ace gives me a sideways look before it settles into a wry smile. "Huh. You're an interesting one. You sure know how to pick 'em Luffy."

Luffy laughs and burrows into my side. "I know! Aren't they great!" I snicker and worm my fingers under his hat to muss up his hair.

"How could someone that sensible be Luffy's brother?" Nami mumbles.

"I was sure he'd be as batshit as Luffy is," Usopp adds.

"The sea's a weird place," Sanji says, taking another hit off his cigarette.

"What a great guy, cares about his brother..!" Zoro grits out, actual tears forming in his eyes.

"I wish I had a brother like that," Chopper cries.

"Do you guys wanna be worried about that?" I suddenly ask, jerking my head toward the surrounding ocean. There's some confused noises before the group finally takes notice of the boats approaching us. A row of Baroque Works Billions ships are sailing towards us, absolutely crawling with idiots.

"Let me handle them," Ace says, jumping off the rail back down to Striker, which is moored to the Merry.

"Is he going to go by himself?" Nami questions.

"Don't worry about him," me and Zoro say at the same time. I shoot him the stink eye. This unison thing is getting old.

I flick open my spyglass so I can watch closely.

Ace's small ship zips across the water, flames spitting off his feet. We watch him jump into the air, Striker going underwater as he soars over the ships as a flaming blur. Ace disappears over the apex of the boats, before they all light up in a gigantic blaze.

The crew make gasps and sounds of surprise beside me and I can't help the slightly deranged smile that takes over my face. That was so fucking cool!

"Save a horse, ride a cowboy I guess," I mumble to myself.

I ignore the weird looks from my crew.

—

A drink is shoved into my hands that is immediately passed to a newly returned Ace. I point a threatening finger at Zoro. "Unless the next drink you pass me is peach flavoured, I'm throwing it back in your face."

He sticks his tongue out at me and I do the same back, because I'm a very mature person. The other boys are making nonsensical cheers while Ace stares at us with something like amusement.

"Ace! You sure you don't want to join us?" Luffy asks.

"Can't. I'm chasing down this guy right now. He's a pirate named Blackbeard," Ace responds, taking a sip of the drink I passed him.

"The guy who attacked Drum?" Vivi murmurs.

"He used to be a member of the Second Division of the Whitebeard Pirates. One of my men. But he committed the worst sin on a pirate ship; he killed a crewmate and left. As Commander, it's my responsibility to find him and take care of him," he continues, an odd distance in his face.

"Blackbeard, huh?" I muse.

Nami shoots me a look as she sits down beside me. "You know him?"

I shrug a single shoulder. "Personally? No. But I've definitely heard about him."

Ace's eyes dart to me.

Gee, how much can I give away here? Assuming my letter worked, Sabo should be on Ace's ass at some point. Will telling him about Blackbeard be any use?

Better safe than sorry. But I've gotta play this carefully.

"I'd be happy to get you some information if you feel like sticking around," I offer.

His brow scrunches for a second before it's smoothing out into an easy grin. "That sounds great, actually. Sorry, I don't think I caught your name."

I give him a grin back. "E. D. Domino, you can call me Ed. I'm the First Mate."

His eyes light up. "No kidding? Oh, wait! I've seen your poster!"

I smother a groan into my hands while Nami pats my back. "Don't bring up the poster!" Ace laughs loudly, slapping his knee.

"We're coming up on the bend to the Sandora river," Vivi announces, placing a rough map down in front of us. She points to a few locations on it, "Wwe'll land at Erumalu, then continue on foot to Yuba."

I frown down at the map. "You sure about that?"

Vivi glances up at me. "Yes? It hasn't been nearly long enough for the map to be incorrect, and it's a straight shot through the desert if we navigate it correctly—"

"No," I interrupt, "are you sure Yuba is still the best idea?"

Her face drops into a glare. "Yes. I will convince the rebel army, and I will save my country."

I roll my eyes and lazily put my hands up in mock surrender. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Ace poorly disguise a smile by biting his lip.

"Let's go beat the rebels up!" Luffy cheers.

Vivi knocks him on the head. "No! We're going to talk to them!"

Luffy rubs his head then hoists his cup back up. "To doing that then!"

The rest of the crew knock their cups against his.

"Here here!"

—

I disappear into the ladies room soon after that to ring up Jonah. "What is it this time?" he groans.

"Don't sound so disappointed to hear me, you'll hurt my feelings!" I gasp dramatically. Mr. President rolls his eyes. "Things ok over there with Smoker chasing us through the Grand Line like a maniac?" I ask.

There's another groan. "No. Since the so-called guardian of the entrance to the Grand Line is gone, all these small-time pirates seem to think it's the absolute perfect time to ransack the place before leaving. I've had to process so many goddamn idiots I might be going prematurely grey."

I can't help but laugh. "Aw, that's too bad." I let my expression sober out. "Anyway, I need the posters and any information you can get me on a certain crew," I say, a new note of seriousness in my tone.

Jonah must pick up on it because the President suddenly looks much more invested in my words. "Which crew?"

I scowl and gnaw on the end of my pencil. "The Blackbeard Pirates."

—

The information Jonah gets me and the posters he's promised to send are a small step forward to helping Ace, but a step nonetheless. I also spend the time writing out everything I know about his Devil Fruit and its… weirdness.

After that it's back up to the top deck. I get out there just in time for a News Coo to drop an envelope on my head. I stare at the thing as it flies away. "Never underestimate the fucking mail service…" I mumble, folding my notes to stick them in the envelope and looking around the deck. I don't immediately spot Ace around so I head up to the galley.

The sudden force of me throwing the door open isn't enough to disturb Sanji from his cooking aside from an offhanded greeting, but it is enough to startle Ace into tearing his eyes away from where he was blatantly staring at our cooks ass.

I pause. I blink at him. Ace blinks back. A shit eating grin slowly spreads across my face. A look of dawning horror blossoms across his.

I spin on my heel and run back for the deck, envelope dropped forgotten on the floor. "NAMI!" I holler over the rail.

"YOU LITTLE SHIT—" I hear Ace yell behind me, accompanied by the sound of the bench scraping across the floor.

I spot Nami down on the deck as she looks up at me confused. I grin and sprint down toward her. "Nami you're not gonna fucking belive this—" I'm cut off by a hollering weight tackling me over the railing of the Merry, my foot smacking into it with a sharp twang and my shoe flying off.

I scream as me and Ace go overboard. When we surface in the water I violently shake Ace's limp body. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!"

He gives me a droopy smile. "Worth it," he slurs.

I throw my head back and scream again. "What is wrong with your family?!"

—

Silent tears drip slowly down my scowling face.

"You can stop crying now," Nami says impatiently, leaning over Chopper's shoulder as he finishes wrapping up my ankle to hand me my dropped envelope.

"It's just a sprain, but trekking through the desert may not be the best thing for you right now. You honestly shouldn't even be moving at all…" he says hesitantly.

I keep crying while I stick my envelope in my rapidly drying pants. Guess that's one good thing about the desert, it's too hot to stay wet for long.

"I'd realistically prefer it if you don't move at all for at least two weeks, but we really can't afford to delay our trip," Chopper says with a sigh.

I shrug. "What can you do? I think I'll be fine by tomorrow anyways." That's how this bullshit works, right? Maybe if I just believe it really hard, through the powers of grit and determination I'll just… magically be better tomorrow.

"Seriously what is your deal? What did you even do?" Zoro asks, coming up on my other side.

"Ace tackled them over the rail and it caught their foot," Nami explains.

I shoot a glare though my still damp eyes at the still damp Ace, who's sitting in the corner gloomily. "He's lucky he didn't break it," I snap.

He throws his hands up. "I said I was sorry!"

I furiously wipe my tears. "Fuck you!"

He gets an affronted look. "Fuck you!"

Zoro rolls his eyes. "How much longer are you going to be mad?"

I glower at my foot. "Probably half an hour."

Nami raises an eyebrow at me. "That's it?"

I shrug. "I don't need to draw this out too much."

"You don't need to draw it out at all," Ace groans.

"Ace?" I say impatiently.

"Yeah?"

"You're a Devil Fruit user, correct?"

"Yes?"

"And you're made of fire."

"Yup."

"And you just tackled me INTO THE OCEAN!"

Ace throws his hands up. "I never said I was a smart one!"

Luffy has not stopped rolling on the floor laughing since the two of us had gotten fished up.

"Is there a reason why you're still crying though?" Usopp asks, tinkering off to the side of our idiocy.

I shrug and smear my palms over my doubtlessly blotchy face. "Eh, just how I am. I was a huge crybaby when I was younger too."

Ace barks out a laugh, slapping his knee and leaning forward with a wide smile. "What a coincidence, so was Luffy!"

Luffy stops his laughing fit to point at Ace. "Don't tell them that!" he whines.

I also point at Ace. "Don't try to make me like you!"

Ace throws his head back and cackles.

Notes:

Ace with a southern twang is something that can be so personal—

Wait Southern Ace is just Fjord before he got his shit together…

Either way. Ain't nothing straight about a man that hates himself that much. Ain't nothing straight about a cowboy.

Ed's Alabasta fit because I can.

Chapter 33: Chapter Thirty Three: It's A Kindness, Highness

Summary:

Eat Your Young - Hozier

After I nearly trip and eat shit for the tenth time in half as many minutes, Nami finally snaps. "For the love for all that is good, someone carry them! This is slowing us down too much!"

Notes:

Ace and Ed's no good very bad desert adventure.

I've realized even though I reference the anime all the time with the voice actor jokes, this whole thing really is more manga adjacent. Bar what's happening with Ace sticking around.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

We land at Erumalu a couple hours later. I'm trying to find a way to get my ass off the ship without either cracking my skull open or twisting my ankle worse, while the rest of my crew does something with some weird looking… shelled seal-ish things.

"Do you want some help?" Ace calls from below me, staring up and clearly trying to hide his amusement while shrugging on a long thin cardigan he had in his watermelon looking bag.

I glare at him. "No! Just let me figure this out…" I wonder if I can slide down on my butt..?

I can't. I slip almost immediately and with a yelp I'm free falling ungracefully from the side of the ship. I stick my injured foot straight up in hopes of only breaking my back on the way down instead of injuring my ankle slightly more.

Instead of my back snapping into fragments I'm caught in two strong arms. My leg is still kicked up when I twist my head and get a faceful of Ace's shit eating grin. "You better wipe that look the fuck off your face before I start biting," I say seriously.

Jesus dude this guy is warm as hell. Talk about a portable heater.

He deposits me gently on my feet and I glare up at him. I'm really starting to hate people taller than me. He just grins cheekily down at me. "I'm sure you had that under complete control," he drawls.

I glare harder. "I did." I did not.

"Ed! Ace! Stop dicking around, we're leaving!" Zoro hollers over. I harumph and start (slowly, even without the slightly fucked ankle, sand is fucking dangerous) making my way over to the rest of the group.

We make the short trip over a dune before we arrive in the sandy ruins of Erumalu. Vivi stares out across the expanse with a distant look in her eyes. "This place used to be called the City of Green. Now look what has become of it…"

"What happened to it?" Nami asks quietly.

Vivi sighs and starts to explain as we descend into the ruins. "Erumalu got its main water supply from the rainwater, but it hasn't rained a single drop here in three years." She looks heartbroken by the skull Luffy pokes with the tip of his sandal, half sticking out of the sand. "The only place that was getting any rain was the capital, Alubarna. But even that's stopped now, thanks to the Dance Powder fiasco."

Usopp raises an eyebrow. "Dance Powder?"

Vivi nods, steeling herself and turning away from the skull while I bat Luffy away from it. "It's powder that calls rain."

Nami steps up to Vivi's side to keep explaining. "I'll skip the scientific explanation, since it would go over all your thick heads. In essence it steals rain from neighbouring places. So any positive effect it could have is ruined by the conflict it causes."

Vivi nods. "My father was framed for using it in the capital, and it hasn't rained at all since."

I shove my sunglasses on my face as we leave the shade of a half destroyed building. "Zoro, 10,000 berri Crocodile is the one keeping it from raining."

Zoro throws me a glance over his shoulder. "You're on. That's straight fucking looney."

Vivi gives me an offended and incredulous look. "Yes, please, make bets about my county's hardships."

I shrug. "Gotta keep my coffers full somehow. And tragedy always makes for good money making."

Vivi stops short in front of another skull, this one with a large hole through the back. "...What did they ever do?" she whispers. "The people who live in this country, my father… what could we have done to deserve this?"

She sinks to her knees and cradles the skull to her forehead. Something uncomfortable sinks in my stomach and I look away. Luffy, Usopp and Sanji stalk past me to a crumbling building.

"Crocodile… He has no right to do this to us!" Vivi grits out, hunching further in on herself. "I… I can't let him get away with this!" she screams into the sand.

I keep my eyes down as there's a loud crack and noises of destruction from the boy's direction.

Ace walks past me and scoops out a hole in the sand, which Vivi gently deposits the skull into. She marks the spot with a stick, and folds her hands and bows her head. She whispers a few words I can't understand with reverence.

Luffy stalks back up to my side. "Let's move forward already. I'm anxious now," he announces, cracking his shoulders. Vivi rises to her feet, fierce conviction in her eyes.

"I'm still of the mind we go right to the ass kicking," I mumble.

"No. We will go to Yuba, and I will speak with the rebels," Vivi states, marching forward without so much as a glance at me.

I furrow my brow and wordlessly follow.

—

After I nearly trip and eat shit for the tenth time in half as many minutes, Nami finally snaps. "For the love for all that is good, someone carry them! This is slowing us down too much!"

I throw my head back. "Yes please! I hate walking in sand!"

"I'll do it! I volunteer!" Sanji hollers, sticking his arms up best he can around all the shit he already has in them.

"No! You're already carrying all our bags!" Nami says, exasperated. "Zoro, you do it!"

Zoro and I both grimace. We shake our heads in unison. "No way in hell," we both spit.

Usopp raises his eyebrow.

"This idiot is gonna get lost and take me with him! I'd rather not see you guys again a week later in Alubarna," I groan.

Zoro squints at me. "I just don't want to."

Luffy raises his hand. "Oh! Ace is great at those! He can do it!"

I snap and point to the man in question. "Ha! You reap what you sow, firecracker. You break it, you carry it across the desert!"

Ace gives a good natured groan before crouching down and putting out his arms. "All aboard the S. , departing momentarily." I whoop and jump on his back. He "oof!"s under the pressure but stands up no problem. I idly kick my feet as we pick back up walking. "Anybody ever tell you you give off way too much body heat?" I ask mildly.

I can feel Ace's laugh rumble through his back. "Nope, haven't had a complaint yet. Are you going to be the first?"

"I just might, with the fucking temperature of this hellish sandbox. It's hotter than a witches coochie out here," I grumble, fanning myself with my hand. Ace belts out a startled laugh so loud it makes the rest of the group turn back to us in bewilderment.

"Keep up, you two! Don't go wandering off!" Nami calls from up ahead.

"We won't! We're not Zoro!" I call back. There's laughter that rings out from the group.

I duck my head under the shade of Ace's hat. "I was having a snowball fight less than a week ago, this is too drastic of a change," I groan, sweaty forehead smacking into the collar of Ace's cardigan.

Ace hums. "I don't really like snow. S'why I always use my Devil Fruit powers to make the weather better on winter islands."

I nod, blowing some of his hair out of my face. "Shit like that is A) why I think Crocodile is keeping it from raining, and B) why I wish I had a crazy power like that."

Ace chuckles but doesn't add anything else.

I brush more of his hair out of my way and make a face. "Is your hair so greasy because the oils make you more flammable?"

He lets out an offended squawk. "What? No! We're in Alabasta! Water is scarce!"

I give him a disbelieving hum. "Not that scarce." He makes a few more wordless grumbles as we descend into silence.

"So you guys are gonna beat up Crocodile?" Ace suddenly asks.

I rest my chin on his shoulder. "Yup. Well, Luffy will. Gonna put his ass in the dirt. Er — sand."

Ace huffs a laugh. "Honestly, a pirate trying to steal a kingdom sounds like a bad joke."

"No kidding," I agree.

"What kind of pirate settles down on a throne?" he continues.

I hum. "The kind that finds himself in a desert with the power of the Sand Sand Fruit?" I say rhetorically.

Ace snorts. "Either way, there might be another side to the whole takeover thing."

"A deeper goal," we say in unison. Ace tosses me a smile over his shoulder. I snort, fiddling with the medallion hanging off his hat string.

"You have any idea as to what it could be, detective?" Ace asks.

I hum. "I mean… It's probably something that can only happen or only exists in this country. And I'd ask Vivi what that could be, but we don't exactly… get along."

He makes an understanding sound. "I was wondering about that. You don't seem to like her very much."

I burrow my face into his neck with a frown. "It's not that I don't like her, I like her lots! She's just… kinda infuriating. I know she's trying her best and she's doing a fine job, I just wish she'd focus on the bigger picture."

Ace is silent through my rant. "Sounds like a communication issue. Maybe you should just have a conversation with her," he offers.

I scoff. "Practice what you preach, cowboy. You look like you've never communicated a feeling in your life."

He barks out a laugh. "I can't argue with that! Fine then, keep beefing with the princess. Just know if you don't fix it you'll probably end up fighting more until it explodes."

I pick my head up to keep talking, then pause. I cast my eyes around the planes of sand, turning behind me and glancing around as well. "Uh, Ace?" I say hesitantly. He hums. "...Where is everyone else?"

Because we are alone in the desert right now. My crewmates aren't even specs on the horizon at this point.

"...Ah shit," Ace curses, coming to a stop.

I throw my head back and groan. "Zoro is gonna make so much fun of me!"

God, how do you find people in a desert? This isn't like the time my mom left me in a supermarket, we can't just stay still until someone finds us.

Ace pulls a compass from his pocket. "This place we're going is northwest, right? We'll just have to meet them there," he says, correcting his course and getting back to walking.

I groan again. "How the fuck did you lose them? The desert is barren, there's nothing to hide behind!" Seriously, was he walking with his eyes closed? And what about the other idiots? Have they even noticed we're gone?!

"You need to calm down. Everything is gonna work out fine. Nothing is gonna happen to your crew or my brother in the meantime. How dangerous can a desert really be?" Ace soothes.

I smack my head into his shoulder with another long groan.

—

I guess I slipped into a little cat nap while we were walking, because I'm suddenly jostled to consciousness by Ace coming to a dead halt. "Wha..?" I mumble, lifting my head and wiping a trail of drool from the corner of my mouth.

When I blink open my bleary eyes, I'm met with the startling image of a giant lizard staring at us. "Um," Ace starts hesitantly, "I don't know what that is."

Neither do I, to be honest. I vaguely remember Ace encountering some kind of lizard and having a standoff in the anime, but this thing looks nothing like that and it's certainly no Sandora Lizard. It's more along the lines of a speckled Komodo Dragon.

The fact that it's over fifteen feet tall and staring at us with its tongue flickering and eyes hungry is not making me any more inclined to get to know if it has other traits in common with a real Komodo Dragon.

"We… should probably run," I whisper into Ace's ear. He slowly nods and starts taking steps back.

"I don't really wanna fight this thing with you on my back," he whispers back. "Also I'm like, really hungry right now."

"Yeah," I say with a gulp, "me too."

The lizard takes a single slow step forward. We freeze. "If this thing is gonna chase us anyways, just go northwest," I whisper. He nods slowly, taking a step to the side.

The lizard lunges.

We both scream as Ace starts booking it in a wide arc around the monstrosity. My head is jerked back as my hat files off my head, only staying attached by the string digging into my throat. "HOLY FUCK!" I choke out while the overgrown lizard nips at our heels.

I twist my head around to see how close the fucker is getting, and get a faceful of swiping claw. My eyes widen and my jaw drops in another scream. "DUCK OH MY GOD DUCK!" I holler, yanking Ace's head back by his greasy ass hair.

He yelps as his hair is pulled, but drops to his knees and skids forward on the coarse sand. I tuck my legs up as heat emanates from the ground, looking behind there's a line of crystalized sand like glass where Ace skidded.

"That's really cool!" I yell as we slide back upright.

"Thanks!" Ace yells back.

I pull my pistol from my belt and say a quick prayer mostly consisting of swears and threats. "Ace, hold onto my legs tight, I'm doing something stupid!" I holler, hiking my knees up and hooking my ankles together around his sternum despite the throbbing it sends through my foot.

"What?" he grunts, but does it anyway. I take a deep breath and let go of his shoulders. Dropping back so I can see the scaly fuck upside down, I point my pistol.

Dear god please let this work.

I fire a shot at its face. It hits it right on the snout. It makes a loud cry, whipping its head back and forth and going slightly off course.

"Keep your legs up! It may get a little warm!" Ace suddenly yells. I use the power of daily morning crunches to swing my upper body back upright just as fire shoots up all around where my head was.

We blast up into the air with a burst of heat. I shriek and grapple harder to Ace while he laughs. I very pointedly don't look down as we rocket higher. "Is this safe?!" I screech.

Ace just continues to laugh. "Relax, it's totally safe!" he cackles, raising us higher into the air while I dig my fingers into his arms.

"I don't fucking believe you!" I cry, taking a quick peek behind us. The lizard is slowly getting left in the dust as we soar over the sandy landscape, and I fight back a scream as I realize how high we've gotten.

"For the love of all that is holy please get closer to the ground," I whimper, fingers clenching in the fabric of his cardigan.

"You scared of heights?" he chuckles, heeding my request and bringing us down by a little bit. Not nearly enough if you ask me, but I'll take what I can get from this maniac.

"No!" I snap, taking another glance down. "I'm scared of your reckless ass and clearly bonkers sense of self preservation!"

He makes a disagreeing sound. "Hey! I'll have you know I think lots before I make stupid choices—"

He's cut off by us suddenly smacking into a mass of feathery squawking fury. We both start screaming, again, as a seagull (which has no business being this far into the desert, stupid fuck) flaps in our faces with wild abandon.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Ace screams, swinging his arms at the thing. "I'LL FUCKING COOK YOU, BIRD! GET LOST!"

I swing my legs up in a panic, trying to kick the angry seabird away from us. My sweaty fingers slide off Ace's cardigan. My legs, no longer held by Ace, slip from around his waist.

I drop off Ace's back.

My scream catches in my throat as I start freefalling. I vaguely hear Ace call my name before the sheer speed of the wind rushing through my hair and ears obscures all sound. My body twists around as stray sand particles scrape on my arms.

Oh my god. I'm going to die.

The thought comes with startling clarity.

I'm never going to make it to the timeskip.

I cease my flailing in the air.

I'm never going to make it to Wano.

Through the disorientation I realize I'm en route to plummet into a sandy grave face first.

I'm never going to see the One Piece.

The ground approaches at dizzying speeds.

I'm never gonna see Luffy again—

A hand snags into the fabric of my shirt. I jerk to a halt, inches from the sand. I can count the grains as my harsh breathing scatters them.

There's a long moment of silence.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"ACE?! ED?!"

"WHERE THE FUCK—"

"DID YOU GUYS JUST FALL OUT OF THE SKY?!"

I huff a long relieved laugh as I'm gently lowered the rest of the way to the ground. Ace flops into the sand beside me and throws his head back, taking deep breaths and wiping sweat from under his hat.

We make disbelieving eye contact for a second before bursting into uncontrollable laughter. Luffy slams into the ground beside us, scattering dust and sand as he shoves his face at us both. "That was awesome! What the hell were you guys doing?"

I start laughing harder, flipping onto my back to stare at my bewildered crew. I grab onto Luffy with one hand and stick my other straight up in the air. "I'M ALIVE!" I holler to the sky. Then I turn and point at Ace with a manic grin. "That was not safe, you lying piece of shit!"

He flops down onto his back, still breathing heavily and laughing. "No! No it wasn't!"

Nami comes up to my side and starts turning my head back and forth in her palms, looking me over critically. "What the fuck happened to you two? We turn around one minute and you're just gone!"

I lean into her hands with another breathless laugh. "Nami, darling, I have no goddamn clue."

—

It takes an absurd amount of time for us to get situated after that. After we exchange tales of our separate adventures ("Why do you have a camel?" "Don't ask." "You guys got scammed by birds?" "Very crafty birds! And you guys also got attacked by a lizard?" "Yup, big Komodo Dragon lookin thing." "A dragon wearing a kimono?!" "...No, Luffy.") we get back to hitting the road, this time with me saddled up on a very enthusiastic Sanji.

After that we barely get in another hour of travel before the sun is setting on the horizon and Vivi announces we'll be bedding down for the evening.

The rate at which the desert cools is astounding. In the span of us setting all our shit down and starting a fire, it's dropped to temperatures so low I can't stop my fingers from spasming the entire time I reload my gun.

Needless to say, I am unhappy with this arrangement. "Where's the literal human heater when you need him? His ass owes me!" I mutter through chattering teeth.

The man himself is sat aside, eating the food Sanji had so generously made for us. I saunter over and kick him in the thigh. "Pick your plate up if you don't wanna lose it," I announce.

He gives me a confused look while he chews, but lifts the plate up slowly. I belly flop into his lap the second there's enough clearance. I do bang my chin off his knee so I can't claim perfect execution, but given that he's warm as a fucking radiator I can't make myself mind. I immediately relax, an involuntary sigh slipping out my mouth as I snuggle into his lap.

"Are you always like this?" Ace asks with an amused tilt to his voice, setting his plate back on top of my shoulder blade and scooping more food into his mouth.

I scrunch my nose, shifting back a little. "Sorry." He scoffs and pushes me back down with his plate.

"They are!" Luffy laughs, slinging himself over Ace's shoulder and stealing a mouthful of food right from the plate.

"You little gremlin!" Ace grumbles, trying to move the plate away from Luffy's stretching head to no avail. He eventually just ends up sticking the whole fucking plate in his mouth to prove a point, and I'm forced to punch him in the stomach to make him spit the damn thing out.

Luffy manages to climb over Ace like his namesake and sprawls over my back with his legs in the air. I'm smooshed right into Ace's abs and have to fight the urge to elbow Luffy in the face when his chin digs into the underside of my ribs.

"Take some responsibility Luf, you made me clingy," I mumble into Ace's stomach as it starts rumbling in laughter. Luffy's arms snake around my torso as he squirms closer.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he says matter-of-factly. "You've been clingy since we met."

Ace starts laughing harder, bending at the waist and squishing us together. His laughter is abruptly cut off as he slumps down completely boneless on top of us. We both let out squeals as we're smooshed even closer together and partially crushed under Ace's weight.

"We made it a whole day through the desert, and his narcolepsy kicks in now?!" I wheeze, legs flailing as Luffy's squishy face is imprinted into my back.

"Honestly, you guys are such weirdos," Nami's voice sighs. I groan again, and then a blanket is being tossed over the pile of us. "And you're officially not my problem. Goodnight, idiots."

I kick my leg out in what I think is her direction. "Nami! Wait Nami help us!" I yell, muffled though it is. I'm ignored.

"It's fine, just wait until he wakes up," Luffy's voice says behind me. I sigh, but just settle down and enjoy the warmth for the time being.

I've pretty much dozed off by the time Ace jerks back upright. "Huh..? Where..?" he mumbles, pushing the blanket off his head. I shush him, grabbing the blanket and wrapping it around me and Luffy, before shoving him into the sand and laying on top of him.

"Shhhhh quiet. Sleepy sleepy night night time," I mumble, pulling Luffy (who already fell asleep, the shit) closer and shoving my face into Ace's pec. He sighs, but just pulls his hat over his face and throws his arms over the pair of us.

"Am I ever gonna get that information?" he mumbles.

Ah, right. He's not just here because he thinks we're fun, I have to give him shit.

"Tomorrow," I mumble back.

I just hope what I give him will be enough.

Notes:

Ace sticking around like an NPC who's quest you haven't completed yet.

Got my ass absolutely KICKED by a cold this week. It was bad. 0/10 do not recommend.

Chapter 34: Chapter Thirty Four: I'd Do Anything for You, Mrs. Highness

Summary:

Alien Blues - Vundabar

I give him a smile that drops slightly as he takes the envelope. He raises an eyebrow at my dejected expression and I sigh. "Dude I'm losing my personal heater by giving you this, not to mention free transportation. Killing this fucker better be worth it."

Notes:

Everyone being so concerned about Ace not being able to leave yet last chapter was really funny to me. As if bro wouldn't have charcoal fried their ass and took it if he wanted out.

This chapter goes out to that motherfucker who guessed this plot point ages ago. You know who you are, you shit.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

We're woken up bright and fucking early by Vivi and the blazing sun the next day. After literally peeling myself off Ace's washboard abs and prying Luffy off myself with the help of Nami, we're treated to breakfast by Sanji.

While the rest of the crew are packing up our supplies, I roll up to Ace. I (reluctantly, but he doesn't need to know that) hand him the envelope my stupid ass forgot I've been carrying since yesterday.

"Sorry I've kinda been holding you hostage. Honestly I forgot you weren't just here for kicks," I say sheepishly.

He laughs and flicks me on the forehead. "Don't worry about it. I don't mind spending more time with my kid brother, and meeting y'all has been nice. Maybe I needed the break."

Ace's expression darkens. "It will be," he says solemnly.

Maybe I could push this one last time..?

I scratch at the back of my neck, not meeting his eyes. "Ace, this guy is no joke. And definitely not somebody you should be taking on alone. Have you considered… getting backup..?"

His expression shutters off. "No. This isn't something anyone else should have to get involved in. Thank you for the information, Ed, truly. But it's time I get back to my goal." My face drops.

Fuck.

"No, Ace, please c'mon—" my desperate plea is cut off when I try to reach for his arm, only for him to jerk it away from me. I freeze. I retract my hands into my chest like he burned me.

For an instant I'm back to being the weird kid in elementary school no one wants to get close to because I'm too clingy.

He almost seems to hesitate for a second before he steels his expression. "No," he repeats, quiet and firm. "I can't drag anyone else into this. I'm… I'm going to say my goodbyes now." And then he's walking away from me.

I stand there for a second, then another, just staring out at the expanse of the desert.

…Fuck.

Dammit, why do you always do that? You push too fucking hard and you come on to fucking strong—

You just drove that man a step closer to death because you don't know when to quit—

It's gonna be your fucking fault if he dies, you didn't do enough—

Luffy's gonna know you killed his fucking brother—

"Hey Luffy, you hang onto this," Ace's voice drifts through my ear. There's something stilted and off about his speech that really bugs me.

"Heh? It's just a scrap of paper?" Luffy responds.

Why does he even do this? Just so Luffy will know if he bites it?

I stiffen in place. I think of Luffy risking his life for that dumb scrap of paper and Ace with a fist through his chest.

I'm not gonna fucking let him.

I spin on my heel and march towards Ace, Luffy, and the rest of the crew. I swallow my discomfort and fight back the full body flinch that shrieks through me as I grab Ace by the arm and start dragging him away.

"I need to talk to you," I growl, a fierce glare shot up at him from under the brim of my hat. He blinks at me in shock before snapping his mouth shut and slowly nodding.

"Ed?!" Nami yells from behind me. The rest of the crew make similar exclamations that I ignore.

Once we're far enough from the group that I don't feel like we're being listened to (though definitely still scrutinized. Luffy's stare bears heavy upon my head—) I stop and turn my head away from Ace.

Ace takes my momentary silence as a cue to plead his case. "I told you, I'm not getting backup—"

I cut him off. "Are you running towards what you're running towards knowing damn well it's going to kill you?" I demand.

Ace stops short. His face goes pale and his mouth snaps shut a second time.

I stare him down. "Well?" His eyes dart away from mine. "If you're just going after Blackbeard to satisfy some masochistic self punishment kick, go the fuck home. You have people who love you, you asshat. Don't disrespect them by running toward death with your arms open for a damn hug."

Ace opens and closes his mouth a couple times. "Someone has to avenge — It's my responsibility — I'm not…" he stutters out, cutting himself off each time. He meets my eyes for a second before they're dropping to the ground. "...It's better me than someone else fighting this guy," he says quietly.

"Ace," I stop him. "Don't… Don't just throw your life away. I don't give a fuck if it means nothing to you, or if you don't think you deserve it, but it means something to the people who care about you." I hesitate a second before throwing caution to the wind and hugging Ace around the waist.

He stiffens up for a second and I flinch. Then he's slumping in and hunching over me to wrap his arms around me back, tight and solid. "You… You're too damn observant for your own good," he mumbles into my hair.

"Yeah. I know," I murmur into his chest. "Just, please, if you're not going to be careful for yourself — be careful for Luffy. And your Pops, and all the Whitebeards."

His arms tighten around me. "I'll… I'll do the best I can. But I can't ask them, or anyone, for help with this. I just… can't," he whispers.

"Fine. I can accept that. On one condition," I pull him even closer, which is hard to manage since we're halfway to particle fusion, "if they reach out to you and offer help, at least consider accepting."

Or if Sabo comes calling. He should at the very least have read the letter by now. What is taking him so long? Oh god, what if it didn't work?

He's quiet for a beat. "Fine," he whispers. "I'll — at the very least — consider it." I release a sigh and the tension in my shoulders unwinds. "What about you?" he adds. I make a questioning hum. "I don't have to be careful for you?" he asks in a somewhat teasing tone.

I blink. "Why would I matter?" I ask incredulously. We like, just met yesterday. Isn't this guy supposed to be prickly? Why the fuck is he warming up to me so fast? Do his attachment issues rival mine?

He lets out a pathetic laugh. "Geez, hypocrite much? You don't get to lecture me about self worth when you don't even consider yourself a factor." The teasing edge is still there, but there's an underlying vein of seriousness in his words.

I sigh. "Yeah, ok. Be careful for me too then, I guess. And I'll help in any way I can, but… Obviously we've got shit to do. Warlords to fight and whatnot." Honestly if I could just chain his ass to a chair in a little safe room I'd feel leagues better, but oh well.

Ace is quiet for a second. "Can I give you my Transponder number?" he suddenly blurts. I pull away from him to blink up at his nervous face. His freckled cheeks go red. "In case I need more information or you find something — I don't know. Please say something so I can stop talking."

I can't help it. I burst out laughing in his face. His cheeks get redder and I swear to god his body temperature rises exponentially. "I'm sorry! No, it's just, I was gonna ask for your number anyways you nerd!" I gasp.

Ace starts shaking me by the shoulders. "You could have led with that! Don't laugh when I'm being sentimental!" he grumbles.

I try my best to reign in my cackles. "Alright you greasy fuck, we'll exchange numbers and I'll call you when this shitshow is over, how's that?" I say with a big smile. He gives me one right back. "Also we should probably go back over there so they stop thinking whatever the hell it is they're thinking," I add.

Because the rest of the crew has not stopped staring at our weird display for a single second. God knows what's going through their heads.

"Why does your navigator look so disgusted?" he asks incredulously. And she really does. She's looking back and forth between the two of us like she's trying her damn best to unconnected some dots in her head. Zoro has a similar look.

"If I had to guess, I'd say she thinks you're hitting on me," I snort.

Ace whips his head back to me with a horrified look on his face. "Am I?! Are you?!"

I burst out laughing again. "No you goddamn moron! Even if I wasn't aromantic I simply wouldn't, not that you aren't smoking hot because you are, but it would just be weird. Not to mention you've spent half this trip staring at Sanji's, admittedly amazing, ass!"

Through my rant his face gets progressively redder and I'm honestly getting concerned he may burst a blood vessel or just plain burst into flames.

"I'm allowed to look! I'll actually break your ankle this time, I mean it," he threatens. The intimidation factor is pretty much lost because of the smoke coming out of his ears, and it sends me into further hysterics.

Ace hooks an arm around my shoulders and starts dragging me back to the group while grumbling under his breath. I cannot for the life of me stop cackling.

Ace stomps right up to Luffy. "Gimmie that back for a second," he says, snatching his vivre card out of Luffy's hands. He tears the sheet in half and pulls a pen out of who knows where, then scribbles a number out and slaps it onto my face the same time he slaps the other half back at Luffy.

Giggles keep slipping out of my mouth unbidden as I take the pen and write my number on his arm. "You call me if you ever get lonely," I wheeze, wiggling my eyebrows. "Or if you need a booty call."

Both Nami, Zoro and Sanji make wounded sounds and recoil like they've been physically hit while Ace starts laughing in my face. "What's a booty call?" Luffy asks, tilting his head. Me and Ace both start laughing louder.

"Not another one!" Sanji wails. "You brothers! Stop seducing Ed!"

"You need to be stopped!" Zoro shouts, shaking his fist at me.

"I also don't know what that is," Chopper states. Nami's face drops and she shoves her hands over his eyes.

"You are a bad influence on children!" she hisses at the pair of us. We both basically collapse on each other in hysterics.

Luffy looks back and forth between us before grinning. "I'm glad you guys get along!" he announces.

Ace lets out another laugh, then composes himself. He shoots us both meaningful looks. "You sure y'all don't wanna join the Whitebeards?" he asks one last time.

I scoff. "Please, I have to stay as far away from that man as I can. He'll smell my daddy issues from a nautical mile away and I won't be able to escape the forceful adoption. So no fucking thank you."

Ace throws his head back and laughs. "You've got me there!" he points at me and Luffy, "take care of each other!" We both offer thumbs up. "Well, best of luck to you losers, have fun fighting Crocodile!" he cheers as he starts jogging away from us waving both his arms.

We all wave back. "Good luck to you too! Don't be stupid!" Luffy hollers.

"Make good choices, you dumbfuck!" I yell, a middle finger hoisted high. There's a slap sound as Nami slams her hands over Chopper's eyes again, a scandalized look thrown at me.

Ace flips his middle finger right back. "Only if you do!" he hollers, then he bursts off the sandy ground in a blast of flames. We watch him streak off until he's nothing but a spec in the distance.

"Not to be dramatic but I think I'm in love with your brother," I state. Everyone around me chokes.

Luffy laughs, taking me by the hand and marching into the desert. "No you aren't. Let's go!"

"Hate to see him leave, love to watch him go!" I sing.

—

"Ed, do you need someone to carry you?" Nami asks a good chunk into our trek, not bothering to look up from where she's sewing Ace's vivre card into Luffy's hat atop Eyelash the camel. (She said "I trust you not to lose whatever it is, but not him," and I wasn't about to argue.)

"Nah," I say, shaking my head and flicking some sweat off my arms, "ankle's actually fine, surprisingly." You gotta love the bullshit power of anime optimism and pure spite.

"That's not how injuries work," Chopper says disappointedly.

I shrug. "Life is bullshit and so is everything else. The laws of the universe only apply to people who care about them." Chopper stares up at me with stars in his wide eyes. Should I feel bad about encouraging wack ass beliefs in this kid? Nah.

"We should be arriving in Yuba today, late afternoon if we make good time and evening if we don't," Vivi comments, eyes on the horizon.

"Or," I start, "better idea. We go straight to Rainbase and skip Yuba entirely."

Vivi shoots me a glare over her shoulder. "Would you cut that out? We are going to Yuba."

I glare back. "Yuh huh. And if that ends up being pointless?" She makes a huffy grunt and faces back forward. I cast a glance around at the rest of our group, who all seem content to ignore me. I scoff under my breath. "Call me Cassandra I guess."

"Who?" Usopp, who had been walking the closest to me, asks.

"Cassandra," I repeat. "She was a prophet who was cursed to speak the truth, but have no one ever believe her." She made me sad as fuck. Her life was very… frustrating.

"Yeah, ok. Prophet, got it," he says sarcastically. I shoot him a soft glare and he rolls his eyes.

"You've got a scorpion on your shoulder." I say snootily, speeding up to walk ahead of him as he starts freaking out and smacking at his clothes.

—

"Let's skip Yuba," I say completely unprompted. I'm met with groans from every single one of my companions.

"Ed, please knock it off," Nami pleads.

I raise my hands. "I'm just saying—"

"Stop saying anything! I hear one more complaint out of you, I'm burying your ass in a sand dune!" she hollers.

"Consider this; I'm presenting the better option," I snark. I am sick and fucking tired of dry heat and sand in my eyes and nobody listening to me—

"Ed, just shut up," Vivi snaps. "You're not being helpful. You haven't been helpful this entire trip!"

Yeowch. "That's a little far," Usopp mutters to my left.

Vivi heaves a frustrated breath. "Sorry. But if you aren't going to do anything useful like, oh I don't know, stopping the guy that has the King's, my father's, face from gallivanting around the ship I might just lighten up!"

I throw my head back and groan. "You're still on about that? God, let it go!" I send her a scathing glare before shrugging at the sky. "Besides, where I'm from we have a tendency to behead our kings. Be glad this is only defamation."

Usopp takes a sharp intake of breath at my side as Vivi whirls around with a furious look. "You—!" she cuts herself off with frustrated sounds that claw right out of the back of her throat. "Stop undermining my choices! I am going to speak with the rebels!"

I glower at her and raise my chin. "And if the rebels in Yuba decide to kill you because of who you are and what you represent? God! It's like your own life means less than nothing to you!"

Seriously, there's a fine line between selfless and self sacrifice and this crazy bitch is throwing herself right over it!

Vivi opens her mouth to retort before snapping it shut with an audible click, glare still firmly in place. Nami grabs her by the shoulder and forcefully spins her back around. "Not cool, Ed," she snaps, urging Eyelash forward.

Usopp hesitates. "That was a bit much," he mumbles.

I hiss out a breath and start digging in my bag for my jerky I bought in Nanohana. "Sorry. The heat's getting to me."

He raises an unimpressed eyebrow. "Obviously. I've never seen you this wound up."

I glare at the sand and rip a bite off my jerky. "Deserts are the worst biome. They're worse than swamps . I can feel myself becoming evil."

"You're being too goddamn dramatic," Zoro mutters from my right.

I offer him a piece of my jerky that he shakes his head at. "5,000 berri the rebels aren't even in Yuba anymore," I grumble.

Zoro shoots me a look. "You're being an asshole."

I shoot him a look back. "I'm being pragmatic . You should try it."

Luffy snatches my jerky right from my hand with his teeth. "I didn't know you were pregnant," he says through chewing.

I smack him on the back of the head. "Pragmatic! Who the fuck would have gotten me pregnant?!"

He shrugs. I glare at him. Zoro and Usopp snicker.

—

It's just past sunset by the time Vivi tells us we're almost there. The evening sky is obscured by the blowing sand, nothing but the distant light of Yuba guiding our path.

"Something's wrong," Vivi says slowly.

Indeed, the closer we get it's clear that Yuba is being not only hit by a sandstorm, but outright attacked by it. Vivi looks horrified. She jumps off Eyelash and races ahead of us to clear the last dune in between us and the oasis.

We follow her and by the time we get to the outskirts, the sandstorm has all but vanished. Vivi looks around the sand littered streets with pain, fear and frustration seeping out her pores.

"No, no, no…" she mutters, peeking into abandoned homes and stepping over bent and snapped palm trees. "This can't be it!" she grits out, hands clenched into her robe.

"This place looks no different from Erumalu. Damn," Zoro grumbles under his breath.

Luffy sticks his tongue out. "Water!" he groans.

"Vivi, isn't this place supposed to be an oasis?" Sanji questions, hands in his pockets.

"The sand has swallowed up the oasis..!" she hisses, breath coming heavy and despair setting into her expression.

Usopp pinches my arm and shoots me a look that says 'keep your mouth shut.' I oblige.

The rhythmic scraping of a shovel reaches our ears. "You travellers..? You must be exhausted from your trip through the desert," a voice, rough from the sand, calls from a dip in the ground. Down inside is a man, dusty and ragged. He continues to shovel as he calls up again, "I'm afraid the town's a little dried up… But you're still free to rest here. We don't have much in the way of water, but we have plenty of inns. It's what our town was known for, afterall!"

Vivi tugs her robe up over her face as he throws us with a smile under a bushy moustache over his shoulder. "Excuse me… But we heard the rebels were based here..?" she questions hesitantly.

The man ceases his shovelling to turn to us with a glare instead of the welcoming look. "What do you want with the rebel army?! Don't tell me you want to join those hooligans!" he yells, throwing whatever he can get his hands on at us. I duck under a huge barrel that smacks square into Luffy's face. The man stops, then turns back to his shovelling with a sigh. "Those fools… They aren't here anymore," he grunts.

Everyone chokes. "WHAAAT?!" Luffy screams. I throw my hands up and turn to walk out a circle before I say something uncalled for.

"That sandstorm just now… It wasn't the first to hit this town. They've been steadily increasing in frequency for the last three years. With that and the drought, the oasis has been eaten away to what you see now," the man explains solemnly. "Without the flow of supplies, the rebel army was forced to relocate. They're in Katorea now."

Vivi drops her shawl and her jaw drops open. "Katorea?!"

"Where's that? Vivi, is that close?" Luffy questions. I groan loudly and shove my face into my hands.

"It's an oasis next to Nanohana," she replies, face scrunched up and defeated as she throws me a desperate glance.

"So this really was for nothing?" Zoro grumbles, shooting me a look that says 'don't be fucking insufferable.'

I don't pay it heed. "Gee, wow, it's almost like I was right!" I yell, pacing out another lap so I don't actually fucking snap and hit someone. I can feel the urge bubbling up under my skin and bite down on my lip.

"Did you say Vivi..?" the man interrupts, staggering up the hole.

"Wait, she's not a princess!" Luffy yells frantically. Zoro smacks him on the back of the head with a hiss.

"Vivi? Is that really you?!" the man whispers, coming up and taking Vivi by the shoulders. She hesitates for a second before her eyes widen. "I'm so glad you're alive! I don't suppose you recognize me, I did lose some weight!" he laughs, tears springing into his eyes.

"...Mr. Toto?!" Vivi gasps, a hand clasped over her mouth. The tears began to stream down his face as he nods enthusiastically. "You..!" she whines, looking horrified by the state he's in.

"Listen to me, Vivi! I believe in the King! He would never betray our country..!" Toto exclaims right in her face. "This rebellion is absurd! So please… Please! Stop those fools!" He collapses to his knees, gnarled hands clutched into Vivi's robe. "You're the only one who can do it! So what that it hasn't rained in three years..? I still have faith in His Majesty, as most of the country does! I've tried to stop them so many times… But they just won't listen!" he cries. "The rebellion won't stop! They plan to end things with the next attack! They're prepared to die!" Toto bows his head and clasps his hands together. "Please Vivi, stop them before it's too late!"

Vivi is still for a moment. Then she's crouching down and offering Toto a handkerchief. "Mr. Toto," she begins, knees in the sand. "We can stop the rebellion," she announces with a bright smile on her dirty face.

It's a fragile sort of confidence. It speaks to how thin she's stretched, and how brittle her hope is. Toto doesn't seem to see any of that. I clench my fists in my pockets as the crew exchanges looks around me.

Toto starts to wail. "Thank you..! Thank you Vivi..!"

Notes:

Ed Vivi Ace - Not considering themselves and being self sacrificing idiots

I've finally fished writing everything for the Alabasta saga and y'all... The last two chapters of this arc are both 5k... So look forward to that ig.

The snappening approaches.

Chapter 35: Chapter Thirty Five: Now I Know How Joan Of Arc Felt

Summary:

Bigmouth Strikes Again - The Smiths

"Today sucked," I grumble, resting my chin on my folded arms and glaring into the sand. Luffy hums.

Notes:

I call this chapter 'Conflict'.

I kept trying to find a place to make a Jeanne D. Arc joke but I just couldn't do it.

Final time I remind y'all I really like Vivi. I promise.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

We shack up in a big room in one of the various inns. Toto wasn't kidding when he said this place was famous for them; there were literal fucktons to choose from.

"Good work today guys! Lets hit the hay and get some well deserved rest, ok? We'll need our strength for tomorrow!" Usopp sings as he tucks himself into one of the beds.

Zoro hurls a pillow at his head. "You've been nothing but lazy this whole trip!" he shouts.

"Don't compare me to you monsters, of course I was tired!" Usopp shouts back, throwing his own pillow and nailing Zoro in the face.

"You..!" Zoro grunts, ducking under the next pillow he throws, which ends up smacking Chopper so hard he falls over.

"You win today's award for laziness though, Blue-Nose!" Usopp hollers.

Chopper jumps to his feet and points a hoof at Usopp. "I'm covered in fur! Of course I can't stand the heat!" I smother my groans into my hands, collapsing onto one of the beds.

"What do you have to be tired for?! You got carried all of yesterday!" Usopp yells, clocking me in the head with a pillow and sending me sprawling over the floor.

I lay there for a long moment, a strangled scream hissing between my teeth, slowly getting louder as I get to my feet and stomp outside.

The cool night air blesses my face as the yelling picks up inside. I slam the door shut and march over to where Luffy is crouched watching Toto dig. He looks up at me with his big eyes as I slump down next to him and tuck my knees up with a huff.

"Today sucked," I grumble, resting my chin on my folded arms and glaring into the sand. Luffy hums.

There's nothing but the sounds of the scraping shovel for a moment. "Hey Ed," Luffy says suddenly, "do you like Ace better than me?"

My surprise wipes the glare from my face. I turn to look at Luffy's relaxed judgement free face. "Why the hell would you ask that?" I blurt incredulously.

He shrugs. "Dunno. Just thought I'd ask."

I snort, gaze returning to the sand. I reach one of my hands over and hook my pinky into his. "I don't like anybody better than I like you," I tell him honestly. "When I was falling out of the sky and thought I was gonna die, my last thought was of you."

Luffy hums again. "Sorry this adventure has kinda sucked for you," he says.

I sigh, pinky tightening on his. "Don't worry about it, Captain. I'm partially to blame for how miserable I've been. I just…" I furrow my brow at the ground, "this was disappointing. And could have been avoided if you guys listened to me."

We return to silence.

"I'll listen to you more," Luffy promises.

I send him an amused look. "More? Not all the time?"

He shakes his head with a smile. "Nah. We won't always agree, so I'll do my own thing sometimes. But I trust your judgement so I'll always at least hear you out."

I let out a soft laugh. Emotionally intelligent asshole.

"Hey old guy, is it hard to live here without water?" Luffy calls down to Toto.

Toto gives him a hoarse laugh. "Yuba cannot be defeated by mere sand! This land was given to me by the King, so I'll keep digging the oasis out every time!" he says determinedly.

Luffy lets go of my finger to hop down into the hole. He squats down and starts digging up the sand like a dog. "Ok! Let's dig!"

I throw my head back to laugh as Toto starts yelling at Luffy for throwing all the sand into his hole. "I'm going back inside now!" I call down to them. Luffy throws me a thumbs up and a grin as he keeps digging.

Going back into our inn room, things have calmed down considerably, and it's notably missing two of its occupants. I raise my eyebrow. "Where'd the girls go?"

Usopp, now sporting the beginnings of a black eye and a sizable lump on his head, speaks up. "We may have gotten a little carried away, and they may have yelled at us and moved to a different room."

I bark out a laugh, snatching a discarded pillow and flopping onto a free bed. "You guys are damn idiots."

Zoro shoots me a glare. "You specifically don't get to call us idiots."

I roll my eyes. "I've been nothing but brilliant since we met."

"We both know that's not true," he grouches back.

I turn on the bed to actually glare at him. "Uh, isn't it? Name one thing I've been wrong about. Including the rebels not being here and this being a huge waste of time!"

Zoro sits up on his bed. "Stop acting like you're always right," he snaps.

Anger pools in my gut and I let it take over my face. "But I was this time! And none of you fucking listened to me!" I snap back.

"You don't have to rub it in!" Usopp bites out.

I twist my fingers into the fabric of my pants. "I'm not! But you guys keep doing this! You never listen to me! Fucking nobody does!"

The entirety of the Baratie trip into Arlong park was the same — whether it was random people or my crew, someone was always questioning what I said despite any evidence I gave them that I was right.

"You mean your dumb theories and that stupid guess you made on the ship you decided to cling to despite it being nothing but that, a guess? It doesn't matter that it ended up being true, you had no idea the rebels actually wouldn't be here!" Zoro shouts.

I glare harder. "Guess?! You know how I knew I was right? Because I was fucking thinking! Crocodile has been hitting this place with sandstorms long before we got here, and he's clearly moving ahead with his plan! It's common sense that he would take the opportunity to drive the rebels out of here to spur them into action!"

"Um, Ed—" Chopper says quietly.

I cut him off to keep yelling. "Behold! A perfectly reasonable and comprehensible explanation of evidence to support my guess! Fucking watch, Vivi is gonna want us all to trek back to Nanohana in the morning to keep chasing this bullshit lead because she doesn't know when to fucking quit and choose a different course of action!"

Frustration is working its way through each muscle and every nerve in my body. My hands are shaking so hard where they're clenched it's making my knees knock together. I think Sanji says something from my right but I pay it no heed.

Zoro stands up from his bed, towering over me with a scowl. "Get off your high fucking horse! You explained precisely none of those details every single time you brought it up!"

I can feel the frustrated tears starting to fight their way into my eyes. This is why I couldn't do debate, I cry whenever I argue too hard. "I gave good reasons! Multiple times! You never asked me further about anything, you just brushed me off!"

I'm trying to take deep breaths to keep my eyes dry, which isn't working great because I can feel the speed of them beckoning a panic attack, while Zoro takes a step forward. "It's not my fault you're so shit at communicating! Why couldn't you just express yourself like a normal person!" he shouts.

And that does it. The tears break free, gushing out my eyes and down my cheeks as I crush my eyelids together and hunch forward. And I scream, "I WOULD IF YOU WOULD FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!"

There's sounds of bedsprings and I think more of Zoro's voice accompanied by Chopper and Usopp, before a pair of gentle hands are placed on top of mine.

I suck in a couple harsh breaths, eyes snapping open to meet Sanji's. He gives me a soft smile, working my fingers out of my pants and massaging the palms. "Hey, it's ok. Take a deep breath." I let out a wordless sob. "Ah, shhh, it's ok. C'mon, with me," he encourages, taking one of my hands and placing it over his chest while taking exaggerated breaths.

Another sob rattles my lungs as I attempt to follow his lead, more tears spilling out unbidden. His other hand comes and soothes across my cheek. "M'sorry," I gasp, "don't be mad."

Something crumples in Sanji's eye. "It's ok. Nobody's mad, I promise," he murmurs, thumb rubbing circles into my hand.

I whine high in my throat. "No. He's right. M'being an asshole. M'sorry."

His mouth pinches. "No you're not. You were both just upset. I promise we'll listen to what you have to say once you get your breathing even."

I attempt several lung quaking breaths that send more tears over my lashline, and Sanji encourages me through each of them. I couldn't say how long it takes for me to get my breathing under control, but when I do, it's Sanji's prized hands that wipe the remnants of tears from my tender face.

I lift my eyes past him to where the rest of the boys are. Zoro is sat on the bed looking off to the side, vaguely guilty, with Usopp laid across his lap like he's keeping him there. Chopper, in his big form, is stood beside them watching me and Sanji with a concerned look.

I take a deep breath. "Sorry. I shouldn't have yelled, it's been a bad week," I mumble quietly.

"I'm sorry too, I was being snappy," Usopp offers. Then he elbows Zoro in the side with a pointed glare.

Zoro grunts and gives me a short glance before he looks back off to the side with a softend look. "...I'm also sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like shit. Or cry," he says lamely.

Sanji brings my attention back to him, still kneeling in front of me with his hands on mine. "Going forward, let's keep this in mind. We'll do better to listen to you, and you do better to tell us when you're frustrated before it boils over into something like this again. Everyone agree?"

We all make confirming mumbles back. Chopper shrinks down to his normal form and scuttles over to me. "Are you ok? You're supposed to drink lots of water after a panic attack, but since we don't have a lot you can have mine—"

I cut him off by placing my hand on his head. "Don't you worry about that, Chopper."

It doesn't shake his concern. "Do you have those often? Are you on medication? Do I need to start stocking some up?" he rattles off rapid fire.

I smoosh his hat further down his head. "Probably should have mentioned this earlier, since you're the doctor and all, but I have a panic disorder. I haven't been on medication for it since I was fourteen though, none of the stuff we tried ever really stuck. Most of it made it worse, actually."

His eyes bug out. "You've had a diagnosed disorder this whole time and didn't tell me?!" he screeches.

I give him a nervous chuckle. "I suppose I should almost mention I have depression and ADHD? Got diagnosed with all three when I was twelve. I'm kind of a walking disaster."

Chopper smothers a scream in his hooves.

I give him another smile and gently shove him towards his bed. "How about we just sleep this off so we have energy for tomorrow, hm? Doubtlessly there's a conversation that needs to be had about our course."

And I am very much not looking forward to any talk with Vivi about this topic anytime soon.

I shoot a meaningful look at Zoro, who scrunches his nose at me. "I want 6,000 berri on that Nanohana thing, by the way."

"It's fine. If you try not to fly off the handle when explaining shit to her it'll work out. And you'll have us to back you up. We're friends, aren't we?" Zoro mutters, tossing Usopp off himself.

I blink at him. Kureha's voice rings through my head.

"You call those boys lots of things, but you've yet to call them friends."

I let a smile slowly spread across my face. "Yeah," I say, awe slipping into my tone, "friends."

Zoro gives me a weird look and Sanji starts laughing while rising to his feet. I tug his ass back down to my level and roll across the bed, dragging him with me. He yelps as I wrap my arms and legs around him like an octopus. "You're ass is staying with me tonight. Non negotiable!" I proclaim.

He makes some weird noises before he throws his arms and me and starts rolling around. "Whatever you want Ed! You can use me as a pillow if you need!" he sings.

I laugh and bury my stinging cheeks in his shirt.

—

The next day comes bright and early. After Luffy receives his water from Toto, Vivi sets off to the edge of town from the direction we came. She makes it to the outskirts and into the sandy ground of the desert before I stop her.

"Where the fuck are you going?"

She stops short, then slowly turns to face me. "To Katorea. That's where the rebels are," she says just as slowly. I hear Nami make a warning sound behind me.

"No," I say calmly.

Her face, as it has a lot recently, drops into a scowl. "What do you mean, no?"

I keep my face neutral. "I mean no. We aren't backtracking and losing two days we don't have so you can scratch this itch."

That just makes her angrier. "I'm not just scratching an itch! I'm trying to stop a rebellion from destroying my country! In case you forgot, the rebels are ready to die in the next fight!" she shouts, fists clenched.

"Which is why we should go to Rainbase," I reply, still deadfaced as she gets more worked up.

"Ed knock it off!" Nami snaps.

Zoro grabs her by the elbow. "Let them talk," he demands. She blinks up at him before turning her eyes back to us.

"Are you trying to get this country destroyed?! Is this some absurd payback on me?!" Vivi demands, volume raising as she takes a step towards me.

"If you don't stop yelling at me, we're gonna have a problem," I say coldly.

Usopp makes a sound behind me. "Ed, not that I'm not totally 100% with you because I am, but maybe hold the threats? She is a princess—"

"And we're fucking pirates," I cut him off, "royal status means less than null to us. If she doesn't stop to consider the bigger picture instead of every individual life in this country, all our already wasted effort will be for nothing."

She growls under her breath. "Stop considering their lives..? What the hell are you talking about?!"

"You expect no one to die in this fight with a million people? That's naive," Luffy pipes up, expression blank as the group turns to him in shock.

Vivi's face scrunches up. "What's wrong with not wanting people to die?!" she demands.

Luffy stares her down, face still unnerving blank. "People die," he states. I think of Sabo, and what exactly Luffy must be thinking about right now.

When I see Vivi lunge forward to hit Luffy, I don't hesitate. I snatch her fist in a crushing grip and throw it aside. "That's it!" I snap. And I tackle her.

My friends start yelling around me and I slam Vivi into the ground by her shoulders. "Stop acting like an idiot!" I yell into her face. "Take some goddamn advice and stop with this single minded bullshit!" Then I punch her across the jaw. "And don't raise your fists against my Captain!"

She pushes back against my hold, wiggling an arm between us to throw a punch at my face. It glances off my cheek, but throws me off long enough for her to roll us over and switch our positions. "Oh that was your breaking point?! And who's advice, yours?! You've been nothing but a jackass since we met!" she screams into my face, throwing another punch that connects solidly with my nose and forces my head to the side.

I hook my left leg out over her left side and kick us into rolling again, then slam my elbow into her chest and backhand her across the face with my other hand. "Maybe, but I'm a jackass who isn't gonna let you lose your fucking country!" I holler.

She bares her teeth, wild eyed, and lets poison run out of her mouth. "Just because you were pathetic enough to lose your home doesn't mean I will too!" she bellows.

I recoil like she hit me again. My friends let out more gasps and shouts around us. Vivi takes my momentary retreat as an opportunity to grab me by the front of my shirt and force us into one more roll.

Once she's on top of me, she throws punch after punch at my stunned face. There's a sickening crunch of cartilage on the third or fourth hit that brings tears to my eyes. I just let it happen. My head jerks back and forth countless times before Vivi is being hauled back off me by Zoro.

He has this truly scandalized look on his face. Sanji looks much the same, with Usopp a close comparison. Nami is looking back and forth between us mortified while Chopper hides behind her legs. Luffy is stood with his hands clenched into his robe and his lip between his teeth.

I struggle into a sitting position before Sanji is rushing over to support me. "Fuck my home," I growl, hand over my blood gushing nose. "Fuck it, you hear me?! It doesn't matter! But your home is still right here! And all you have to do to save it is make a good goddamn decision!"

I notice the tears running down Vivi's face as she struggles against Zoro's hold. "You wanna help your country? You wanna save it? Then let's fucking destroy Crocodile!" I yell. "You wanna sacrifice yourself to stop this?! Your life isn't enough! We'll all shoulder that cost if you want! Because we're goddamn friends!" Vivi goes limp against Zoro. I turn to my Captain, who honestly looked a second away from jumping Vivi as well a moment ago. "Anything to add, Captain?!"

He lowers the brim of his hat. "Nah. You said it perfectly fine."

Sanji helps me to my feet and Vivi furiously wipes at her cheeks.

Nami hesitates for a long moment before she marches over and pushes the both of us into sitting on the ground. "You two are going to talk this out like civilized people now," she demands. "If I hear any yelling or a single aggressive action, I'll bury you both myself!"

With that threat, she grabs all the boys and drags them away from us.

We sit in silence for a long moment. Sand blows off the ground around us and I lick some blood off my upper lip.

"My mom used to always say I couldn't get along with people who were too similar to me," I start. Vivi, who had just been staring into the sand, gives me a questioning look. "I was so sure that wasn't what was happening here, but god…" I sigh. "Vivi, you're so important. And you treat your life like it's fucking worthless. You can't fathom having anything to give aside from your life. We're…" I hesitate, "...the same, like that. I'm fully aware I was being pushy and not explaining myself enough to you."

There's another long silence.

"...Sorry I've been such a jerk," Vivi says quietly. "What I just said about your home… That was entirely unforgivable." She buries her face in her arms. "I don't think you're pathetic in the slightest. In fact…" her eyes dart to me and back to the ground, "I guess you just made me feel… like all my efforts were wasted. Two years of deep cover and you managed to do more and better in minutes while drugged out of your mind! You're really incredible, Ed. I guess I should have just… appreciated your skills instead of trying to measure up to them."

I stay quiet for a second. Guilt eats at my stomach. "I'm not actually that great. And I'm sorry, too. I just kept retaliating and reacting to the shit you were throwing at me, and throwing it back twice as hard. It's on me for not trying to understand things from your point of view," I pause, "for what it's worth, I think you'll make an amazing queen one day."

Vivi whips her head up to me, shock clear in her wide eyes. "No! I…" she hesitates, "there… There was a moment after we left Little Garden where I genuinely entertained the thought of leaving you to your fate. Someone… someone who would do that to someone helping them isn't fit to be a ruler."

I scoff. "We hadn't even known each other for a week, and I was an asshole the whole time. I definitely would have actually tried to kill me, you're a goddamn saint for making the choice you did, Vives. Especially in your situation."

She's quiet for a second. "…Vives, huh? I get a nickname now?" she murmurs, soft smile hidden as she rests her head on her knees.

I laugh softly. "Yeah, nickname privileges acquired." I side eye her for a second. "...You wanna hug it out..?"

She looks at me surprised before shyly nodding. I grin and open my arms wide. She slowly inches forward before I'm pulling her in and she gasps. She all but melts in my arms at the contact.

Ace was fucking right and he's gonna be an insufferable prick about it. I can just feel it.

"You're a pretty great friend, Ed," Vivi mumbles into my shoulder. I snicker, lowering my face into her robe. Then I hiss as pain shoots up my face. "Are you ok?" she asks frantically, pulling back.

I groan. "Aw shit, sorry. I got blood on your robe. Fuuuuck! You definitely broke my nose. I gotta get Chopper on this stat," I laugh through my mouth, licking more blood off my mouth. "You have a mean right hook! My compliments to the chef!"

She smothers her own groan into her hands and leans her forehead on my shoulder.

Worth it.

Notes:

Yaaaaay reconciliation! Writing Vivi being mean hurt but for the plot… Eh. It's over now so rejoice.

Luffy and Ed are on opposite ends of the Emotional intelligence — Practical intelligence spectrum and I love that for them.

Finally the gang can move onto fighting and getting hurt by people who aren't each other!

Chapter 36: Chapter Thirty Six: Gold Crocodiles, They Snap Their Teeth On Your Cigarette

Summary:

Walk Like an Egyptian - The Bangles

I hop to my feet. "Ok! Let's go, fuckers! I wanna be gambling by nightfall!" I holler, arms in the air.

Notes:

Obligatory Walk Like an Egyptian chapter. You know I had to do it to 'em.

Today was my last day of work before school starts! The best part of my job was that I could just have free shit all the time and as my last act of legal thievery I have acquired a glass that looks like it was shot with a bullet. I think it is very cool.

AAAAAAHHH OP LIVE ACTION TOMORROW AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"FUCK!" I yell as my nose is snapped back into place with a crunch.

Chopper (big so he can use his opposable thumbs, keratin does not set noses well) gives me an apologetic look. "Sorry, Ed. But it's better to set your nose now than later! It'll be fine now, I swear. Please stop getting hurt before we actually start the fighting."

I give the doc a thumbs up, wiping a stray tear from my eye. "I'm so sorry," Vivi mumbles, cheeks red.

I smile at her even though it makes my nose burn while Chopper gently puts a bandage across it. "Screw your slasher things, we gotta get you a pair of brass knuckles!" I cackle.

Her face gets redder while Nami pats her on the back. "We need to get moving to Rainbase. It should be another day of travel if we don't delay any further," Vivi says, changing the subject.

Luffy, who had been running away from Usopp to keep his water safe, trots over and gets right up in Vivi's face. "Once I whoop Crocodile's ass, I want a feast!" he demands.

Vivi blinks before smiling. "Okay. I promise!"

I hop to my feet. "Ok! Let's go, fuckers! I wanna be gambling by nightfall!" I holler, arms in the air.

"Gambling?" Usopp asks incredulously while Zoro defensively puts his hands on his coin purse.

"Rainbase is a gambling town," Vivi explains.

"Gambling? You don't say?" Nami asks, an audible ka-ching sounding as her eyes light up.

"7,000 of those berri you're guarding that Crocodile is hiding in a casino," I snicker at Zoro.

"That's actually very likely. Crocodile runs a casino there called Rain Dinners," Vivi adds with a smile

Zoro's face drops. "Yeah, no dice. Those are shit odds even for me."

I give Vivi this betrayed look. "Dude? We just made up, don't make me hit you again for costing me money."

She slaps a hand over her mouth. "I'm so sorry."

—

We don't make it to Rainbase by nightfall, unfortunately. We're forced to make camp at what Vivi estimates to be a few hours away.

While we're lounging around the campfire, Nami turns to Usopp. "So how's it coming along? You finished it yet?"

Usopp finishes cleaning off his plate and flashes her a smug smile. "Oh, it's finished alright. Behold! The Clima-Tact!" he announces, brandishing a bunch of bright blue pipe segments.

Nami raises an eyebrow. "Clima-Tact? That's what you went with?"

Usopp huffs. "I think it's very innovative. Anyways the attacks and functions change based on how you arrange them. I can show you the basics and I also have some written instructions, just in case."

"Fucking memorize that shit. Having a weapon you can't control or don't understand is worse than having no weapon at all," I pipe up, tearing through a third round of dinner.

Nami and Usopp both look at me vexed. "That was oddly insightful and profound," Nami mutters.

"You didn't know how to reload your gun until you met me," Usopp says dead faced.

I choke on my food. "Shut up! I was good enough to intimidate Klahadore or whatever so I was good enough!" I yell, face hot.

"Is your rod thing safe? Don't go giving Nami dangerous shit!" Sanji shouts, plating the last of the food and offering it up. Both me and Luffy lunge for it at the same time, and I kick him in the head with absolutely zero remorse to get it first.

"Besides," Sanji starts, completely ignoring our stupidity, "Nami, Vivi and Ed don't have to fight! I'll protect them! Just call me Prince hahaha!" The smoke drifting off his cigarette is making actual sparkles for him.

Was his ass even trying to hide that shit?

Zoro makes a face. "Prince. Uh huh."

Sanji's own face sours. "Shut the hell up, damnit!"

I smack Zoro on the shoulder and give Sanji a bright smile. "As very clearly demonstrated, some of us are very good at violence. And if you try to stop us from fighting you'll be the one with a broken nose. But yes, you are incredibly regal."

His expression shifts through a variety of conflicting expressions, ranging from happy, scared and just a bare hint of disgust. I lift a forkful of food to my mouth only to find my plate empty. I whip my head back to glare at Luffy, who's licking his lips and looking anywhere but me.

"Stop playing into his fantasy," Zoro grumbles.

"Just because you landed three steps too far from being a white knight doesn't mean you have to be salty," I fire back. "Anyway, we should really be prepared for what awaits us in Rainbase."

The rest of the group straightens and tunes into the conversation on that cue. "I doubt all of the officer agents are still there, but we should still be wary of them. Not to mention Miss All-Sunday. The big conflict we're hoping to avoid is probably going to take place in Alubarna, and I'd put money on Crocodile having a trump card there."

I give Vivi an intense look. "If you can find someone close to you father that you trust, you should have them on the lookout for a bomb or something similar in the capital. Somewhere with ample space but still discreet. Like a clock tower or something." She gives me a determined nod. "Honestly, if anyone who isn't Luffy finds Crocodile first, fucking book it. Luffy, are you willing to hear some advice?" I direct my question at my Captain.

He seems to think for a second before shrugging. "Yeah, sure."

I nod. "Great. Crocodile's a logia, like Ace and Smoker. That means you aren't gonna be able to hit him unless you find a work around. Like, Ace is great, but if you douse him in water the guy's fucked. Something like that. In general sea water is always my suggestion, but not realistically an option here."

Luffy blinks twice at me. "What?"

There's the resounding sound of palms meeting heads.

I groan and swipe a hand down my face. "I don't know why I expected any of that to get through to you. Spit on him before you hit him, how about that?"

That registers clearly. His face lights up. "Gross! You got it!" He throws his head back and yells at the sky, "CROCODILE, YOUR ASS IS GRASS!"

Nami smacks me on the leg. "That's so stupid. Will that actually work?"

I shrug. "Maybe? I don't know. It's Luffy , something stupid may just be the solution."

Nami stares for a second before her expression drops. "Unfortunately I think that's true."

I turn to Vivi. "Anything to add, Vives?"

She blinks at me for a second. "No, I think you covered everything. Your information will guide us through this!" she says with a bright smile.

I give her a long stare. "Information shimformation. I'm asking for your input."

She blinks again, before her face seems to light up. "Well, I think it'll be best if we do something similar to what we did in Nanohana, having a small group or one person getting us supplies until we can go to confront Crocodile for real. It's important we remember Baroque Works' specialty as assassins, and the agents they'll doubtlessly have in the city." Her face sours for a second at the thought. "I would like to avoid the Alubarna conflict, if at all possible. If we can take Crocodile down here and now, it'll be all the better when we need to stop the rebels," she continues, eye casting off into the desert night.

I nod with a grin. "Sounds like a plan. I'd like to go ahead and scout out the casino while you guys run errands, if that's alright."

There's nods from all around. Luffy scrunches his nose like he's thinking too hard. "Hmmm… As long as you don't go finishing off Croc all by yourself. I wanna hit him too."

I laugh and ruffle his hair. "You don't have to worry about that, I'm not getting anywhere near that motherfucker if I can help it."

—

Rain Dinners is, in a word, extravagant.

I manage to squirrel my way inside with the sheer scarf from my hat over my (still quite busted up) face like a veil, and immediately beeline for a roulette table. I can't keep the grin off my face as I slide into a free seat beside a gentleman in a fine blue suit.

"What's the buy in?" I ask the dealer, who glances over my attire with clear disdain.

"Minimum bets of 10,000 berri at this table, ma'am," he says, not paying me much heed.

My grin widens. "Wonderful. 20,000 on red. And please, Detective if you must."

The dealer blinks, eyes shooting back up as I drop my chips in the pocket. The man beside me snorts under his breath.

As the dealer starts to spin, the man leans closer to me with a sly smile. "Detective, are you?" he murmurs in a smooth voice. I take a moment to look him over, my face hidden by hat and scarf.

He has wild blue (Is this normal for this world or do I have to be worried about main character energy here?) hair that curls up along his jaw and across part of his forehead, half of it tied up in a messy bun at the back. He has olive skin and a singular beauty mark under one of his pale eyes. There's an expensive watch on his wrist, and his ankles are crossed over a very recognizable pair of brown leather shoes.

I shoot him a matching smile from under my veil. "By trade, yes. But I can assure you, I'm not at this table for that sort of business." He chuckles under his breath as the ball comes to a stop in pocket 14. The dealer gives me a look as I'm passed more chips. "40,000 on red," I smirk.

"You do know the house always has the advantage, right?" he murmurs.

I smirk at the dealer as he spins the wheel. "The house will need more than an advantage to beat me."

Four rolls later, all betting my winnings on red, the dealer looks like he wants to jump me and the man I'm beside can't stop laughing.

"How do you do that?" he asks through snickers.

I grin at him, placing another bet on red. "Simple, the universe just adores me. And red is my Captain's favourite colour."

"A sailor then? Marine, or something less savoury?" he questions, leaning closer again.

I snort. "Wouldn't you like to know, Navy boy?" He blinks at me, surprised. "Let's shake things up. 640,000 berri on 32." The dealer sends me a both desperate and furious look.

My seat neighbour laughs softly again. "What gave it away?"

I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. "Your posture, and those Marine issued shoes. Plus, blue just suits you too well."

The man's laugh is drowned out by the dealer choking and the other occupants of the table cheering. "And that's 22,400,000 berri to the Detective," he coughs out, pale and sweating.

I throw my head back and laugh.

"Well, well, well. I see you're having fun, Detective Domino," a familiar voice croons behind me.

I don't bother turning. I just stack up my chips and wave over a nearby floor staff. "Be a dear and get these cashed in for me, will you?" I murmur. He shoots a look at the woman behind me, gives me a slow nod and trots off. "Lovely day isn't it, Miss All-Sunday?" I croon back.

Robin hums, leaning forward into my periphery and shifting aside her curtain of dark hair to reveal a very fake looking smile. "That it is. Sir Crocodile has had a VIP room set up for you."

I roll my shoulders, leaning back in the chair to get a better read on Robin as the man beside me shifts. "Hm. I hate to refuse, but I much prefer slumming it up on the commoner deck," I say with a smirk.

The Marine tenses lightly as Robin snickers. "I'm afraid Sir Crocodile insists," she says, fake smile still in place as she delicately traces the rim of her white cowboy hat.

I glance at her under my veil. "Pity then, that I'm not here on Crocodile's dime."

Her smile broadens. "He thought you might say something like that."

Two men in suits step up at the sides of my chair. I sigh, tucking a hand under my scarf to rub at my eyes. "If we may wait for my money to arrive, I'd be ever so grateful."

On that cue, the worker I had handed my chips runs up with a small briefcase that he passes me before running back off. "Alright," I sigh, getting to my feet, "let's get this over with." I send my Marine pal a two fingered salute as I turn.

I catch a glimpse of Robin's face as I go, and am momentarily thrown by what I see. She's glancing at the man I was sat beside looking startled, like she had failed to notice him until I bid him goodbye. The split second read I get in her says she's quite uncomfortable with him, and I just don't know why.

I don't get to read into it more before I'm escorted away.

I'm led through the casino, Robin splitting off at some point, and into a white hallway. Ten paces into the hall I take action. I stomp my heel into the man on my left's foot, as he bends over I throw all of my body weight into the one on my right, simultaneously swinging my case up into the face of the first guy.

As they both groan, I slip my pistol out of my belt and shoot. I fire a shot into the guy against the wall's foot, then fire a second shot into the first guy's shoulder.

Five bullets left.

My hands are abruptly seized. A second pair of hands grabs onto my shoulders, then a third wraps around my ribs and I'm yanked backwards, forcing my back into an arch. I grunt as my spine protests.

"Dear me, Detective Domino. I leave for a few seconds and you do this?" Robin's voice reprimands as my head is forced back to look at her.

"Sorry. I just had to take the opportunity!" I groan as I'm bent further.

She tuts, rounding in front of me with her arms crossed in an x over her chest. "It seems we'll have to do this the hard way." She lowers her arms to pluck my pistol from my hand and tuck it back into its holster. My stomach flips as I'm hoisted in the air by yet another pair of arms, and rolled down the hall to where Robin has stopped. "Apologies, Detective. This may be a bit of a rough ride, but I'll try to be gentle."

And the floor falls away. I drop twenty, maybe thirty feet and smack my knees into hard concrete. "OW! Gee, thanks for being gentle, Miss All-Sunday!" I holler up, getting to my feet to shake my fist at the distant opening. My money case falls down and bonks me on the head.

There's a low chuckle from outside the cage I'm in. I heave a sigh, dust off my knees, and turn to greet him.

Crocodile sits on his chair like a throne, a cigar slipped lazily between smirking lips. He is gently running a cloth over his large golden hook hand, and staring into the cage with clear amusement. There's a spread of food and wine in front of him, and a second place setting across the table.

I raise a single hand. "Yo."

"I hear you're made quite a nuisance of yourself up in my casino, E. D. Domino," he says, rubbing what may or may not be blood from the metal appendage.

"I make a nuisance of myself everywhere, don't take it personally," I reply, scooting toward the bars and examining the connections. Why is the lattice work on this thing held together by pins? "Besides, I was just playing the game as intended, sorry I'm one of god's favourites."

He raises an eyebrow, running the curve of his hook across the horizontal scar that spans the entirety of his face. "Let's get right to business. You seem like a smart woman, Detective Domino."

I raise my eyebrow back "Do I? Dude, I'm not even a woman, how'd I manage that?"

Crocodile's response is cut off by the sound of the hatch above me opening again, followed quickly by a cacophony of screaming and yelling.

I smoosh myself back into the bars as my crew, plus Smoker, tumble down into the cage in a heap on the floor. Luffy stumbles to his feet and takes in the cage, and me standing there blinking at them like a deer in headlights. "Oh hey Ed!"

I sigh. "…Hey guys."

Nami picks herself up using Zoro as leverage. "What the hell are you doing in here? I thought you were just here to scout!" she exclaims, eyes immediately drawn to my case.

I laugh a little nervously. "Yeah… About that. By 'scouting' I meant 'let me go gamble while you bozos inevitably got chased around the entire city.' But! I turned over 22 million berries in profit during the twenty minutes I was up there, so I think it's fine, right?"

Everyone's jaws drop. Nami reaches for my case with trembling and reverent hands. "T — twenty two million?! Just from twenty minutes of gambling?! What kind of crazy luck do you have?! "

I scoot my case away from her grabby hands. "Eh. I've always been great at roulette. You should see me play Speed, I'm fucking terrifying," I boast, hand on my hip and a cocky smile on my lips. There's a reason no one wants to play card games with me. I get violently competitive.

"So while we were running for our lives from this psychopath, you were playing casino games?!" Zoro shouts, jerking his thumb at Smoker, who has gotten to his feet and is reaching for his jutte.

He swings at Luffy with it, so I tug him down and under the blow by the shoulders. "Dude, don't even bother," I groan, sliding in between him and my Captain and shoving the end of the weapon away from us. "Luffy, don't touch the bars. Cancerman, you seem smart enough I don't have to tell you the same."

Usopp scoots behind me like a shield, which is objectively stupid because despite the spite filled workouts I am still quite frail, and pokes one of the bars. "Why not?"

I raise an eyebrow at him. "It's seastone. Why don't you know about seastone? Of course you don't know about seastone. It sucks the life outta Devil Fruit users, smoke machine's jutte is tipped in the shit."

Smoker growls under his breath. "You know too much."

I fold my arms and side eye him. "It's part of the job, Godfather." His eye twitches and there's a deep chuckle from Crocodile outside the cage. I sigh. "Oh yeah, he's here by the way."

Usopp shrieks and jumps to my other side, now shielding himself from Crocodile and inadvertently putting himself closer to Smoker. "Who the hell is that?" Luffy shouts, grabbing onto the bars and immediately deflating.

"Amusing. Though I do tire of your circus act," he rumbles, taking his cigar out of his mouth to flick some ash off the end then putting it right back. "I see Smoker has ended up here as well. Of your own accord, I'm sure. The Marines do trust me quite a bit." Smoker growls under his breath. Crocodile just laughs again. "No matter, it works out all the same. Maybe this is preferable to the staged accident I had planned for you."

Smoker glowers at him, taking a seat on the bench thing in the cage. "Crocodile. You're every bit the snake I thought you were," he snarls.

Luffy, back up from the momentary seastone drain, launches himself right back at the bars. "So you're Crocodile?! I'm gonna kick your ass!" he hollers, then once again deflates because of the seastone. Dumbass.

Crocodile flashes a wry grin. "Heh. You must be Strawhat Luffy. I would congratulate you and your fellows on how far you've come, but we all know I'd be lying. Why don't you just sit tight while we wait for our guest of honour? My partner should be on her way with her momentarily."

"Guest of honour?" Nami mutters. I sigh and rub a finger down the knot of my brow.

Time to do what I do best.

Push the envelope.

I stick my head through one of the gaps in the bars, threading my arms though others to lean out and give Crocodile a catty grin. "Hey dude, weird ask but are you trans? Your vibe says trans."

He chokes on his cigar. Everyone in the cage chokes on their spit.

"Excuse me?!" he coughs, taking a few menacing steps toward the cage.

"Sorry, that was kinda rude to ask," I laugh, waving an apologetic hand. "You never know with gaydar, sometimes I'm waaaaay off. Real talk though, you wanna join my pirate GSA?"

Nami hisses behind me, grabbing my shirt and shaking. "Ed you goddamn idiot, why are you antagonizing him?!"

I shrug her off with another laugh. "When you get a vibe, you get a vibe. Am I right?" I toss a smirk over my shoulder at my group. Usopp looks positively terrified, Smoker looks like he'd give anything to get away from us, Luffy looks confused but is nodding like he agrees anyways, and Zoro is actually shrugging like he can't argue with me.

I turn back to Crocodile. His entire face is twitching in time with his hook and I'd be a little more concerned about him gutting me if his face wasn't bright pink. "Hold your fucking tongue, Detective Domino," he growls.

I put my hands up. "Man, I'm just saying — gay pirates. There's a lot of gay pirates, and we should all stick together. Even if some of us are assholes! Don't go against the grain, dude," I say with an easy grin.

God bless the 4kids dub.

Nami shoves her face into my shoulder with a whimper while Luffy bursts out laughing behind me. Crocodile gives me a long suffering look, then sits back down in his chair and spins it around.

There's silence from everyone but Luffy for a second. "...Are you just gonna pretend not to hear me now?" I call over, eyebrow raised. There's, predictably, no response. "Yeesh, pressed the wrong buttons, got it," I mutter, turning back to the group.

Zoro has slumped down on the ground and looks fit to take a nap, Luffy is just kinda… rolling on the floor, and Usopp is getting closer to tears every second he has to stay in here with Smoker.

Nami makes another sound into my shoulder and I pat her on the head. "Let's be honest guys, this could be worse!" I say optimistically. Nami gives me a doubtful look. "You could be in here without me or my obscene amount of money!"

Nami starts crying.

Notes:

E. D. "I'm a clumsy idiot but I'm also one of the most lucky mfs you'll ever meet" Domino walking into a real casino for the first time: Wow this is nothing like online rollers. I'm going to win gambling.

Don't gamble unless you're of age kids. Be smart with your money.

I love shoving OC's in here just because you'll never know if they're actually important or not until it's too late. Mwahahahhaha.

Chapter 37: Chapter Thirty Seven: Coming Out Of My Cage

Summary:

Mr. Brightside - The Killers

I pause in my filing. "...I know I've got a fair bit of trust issues that are very poorly addressed, but goddamn dude. The trans allegations are real and unbeatable."

Notes:

Ed does not actual come out of the cage in this chapter. But I though it was really funny to name it this anyways.

Let's talk about OPLA? IT WAS SO GOOD? EVEN MY MOTHER LIKED IT? EVERYONE WAS SO UNBELIEVABLY HOT? Literally my only complaint is about Garp's characterization? And even that is pretty good in the context of the show?

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"Look, I'm Sanji. 'Who ate the meat?'" Luffy says with a godawful new yorker accent, pretending to smoke and making an incredibly dumb face. Usopp bursts out laughing and I crack a smile where I'm fiddling with the hinges of the door.

Nami screams into the case I let her hold (she demanded half of my winnings to hold it for me, and I politely told her to go fuck herself and simply enjoy the temporary comfort item) and shoots me a desperate look.

"I dunno man, he's getting pretty good at those. Don't understand where he got the accent though," I mumble, trying to jiggle the hinge pin out of the knuckles. I'm not having a whole lot of luck. "His impression of me was great."

Luffy hoots and ruffles his hair over his face, raising an eyebrow. "'Ed detective. I am very smart. Smart people things.' How was that?"

I frown. "I liked the first one better. The screaming in terror was really spot on." And it made Usopp fall over in shock, so that was an added bonus.

"It seems others prize your intelligence quite highly," Crocodile's voice rumbles from behind his still turned chair.

"Oh, so now you're talking to me?" I grumble, stabbing at the hinge with my pen knife. It is still not working.

"Do you think I could pull off a Vivi impression?" Luffy wonders aloud.

Nami takes this as her que to punch him upside the head. "Stop screwing around! We are in trouble in case you forgot!" she screams, flailing her arms around and barely missing Usopp with my case as he hits the deck.

"You sure are a high spirited young lady," Crocodile muses, still not turning his chair.

Nami sniffs. "What of it?"

I snort, switching to my knife's tiny file to saw at the hinge futilely. "Maybe he's hitting on you," I snark, thinking back to Ace and snickering.

Nami makes a disgusted sound. "EW! Before you get any ideas mister, you oughta know I'm a raging lesbian! And I don't go for tyrannical egomaniacs either!"

"Period queen, you tell 'em!" I cheer, switching tactics to trying to pick the lock. That also goes quite poorly.

"I'm not—! UGH shut up!" Crocodile snaps, twisting in his chair to shoot us a dirty look.

"Yeesh, so touchy," Nami huffs. "Can't even enjoy your high horse while you're still up there, huh? Either way, when we get out of here these guys are gonna kick your ass. Ed probably already has your whole plan figured out!" she says haughtily.

Crocodile throws us what I can only call a pitying side eye. "You hold a great deal of trust in these people, don't you? That's… haha," he shakes his head and narrows his eyes, "trust is the most useless thing in the world."

I pause in my filing. "...I know I've got a fair bit of trust issues that are very poorly addressed, but goddamn dude. The trans allegations are real and unbeatable."

Crocodile's enraged squawking does nothing to drown out the doors being thrown open. "CROCODILE!" Vivi yells, taking quick purposeful strides down the stairs, Robin poised stoic in the doorway.

My friends make shouts of shock beside me.

Crocodile rapidly composes himself. "Ah, Princess Vivi of Alabasta! Or should I say Miss Wednesday? You've done quite well to make it this far," he says, spreading his arms.

Vivi juts out her chin and glowers. "And I'd go further to see you dead, Mr. 0!"

I stick my arm out of the cage to wave. "Hi Vives! Remember that one thing I said that one time about that one thing?"

Everyone pauses. "...What thing?" Vivi asks slowly.

"The spit thing!" I yell, shaking the bars. Vivi blinks. Crocodile blinks. Luffy starts laughing again.

"Not a single thing has come out of your mouth since we met that I haven't hated with the utmost sincerity," Crocodile says genuinely.

I blow a raspberry at him. "Vives, keep a level head please?" I call up at her. She gives me a solemn nod, then brandishes her peacock slashers and leaps down the stairs with a yell. "Or just fight him I guess," I mumble, smacking my hand into my forehead.

"Wait, open the cage first!" Luffy hollers, tugging his hat further on his head while everyone else starts screaming.

Vivi does not do that. She races down the stairs, plants a foot and launches herself onto the table, one slasher flying right at Crocodile's head. He looks completely unbothered by this right up until it's inches from his face. I can see his eyes widen before he's leaning his head to the side.

Vivi's slasher leaves a mark on his face before embedding itself in the chair.

There's a moment of silence before everyone dissolves into screaming again. My jaw is on the fucking floor. Water drips down her slasher and darkens the upholstery of the chair where it's lodged.

Crocodile stares at Vivi, crouched on the table arm outstretched and a fierce glare levelled at him. "That… simply won't do," he says slowly. Then he's dissolving into a cloud of sand. Vivi's face goes pale as she quickly pulls her slasher back and tries to swing it into the sand, to no avail.

I slap my hands on the bars of the cage. "Behind you!" I yell frantically. Vivi swings her head around, but not fast enough. Crocodile has already reformed and has his hook twisted around her wrists before she can make a move.

He jerks his head up at Robin before returning back to Vivi. "I sure hope that felt good, it won't be happening again," he growls, shoving her into the other chair. Robin wastes no time in making her way down the stairs and tying Vivi hands behind her, a keen eye on my pinched expression as she does.

"Still, your timing couldn't be better. It should just about be time for the party. Right, Miss All-Sunday?" Crocodile says, using a handkerchief to dab the blood away from his face.

Robin pulls a pocket watch from her long white coat, a mild smile fixed on her face. "Yes. It's seven o'clock. Operation Utopia is underway."

"Operation Utopia?" Nami mutters, fists clenched on the bars.

"Wassat?" Luffy asks, frown stretching his mouth.

Crocodile just starts laughing. I grumble under my breath. "Let me guess, your big plan to destroy Alabasta and get what you want? Are you gonna explain the whole thing to us in a monologue now?" I ask rhetorically. "'Behold how I will steal the great deathray that lives in this kingdom and take over the world!' Something like that?"

Smoker shoots me a weird look from the corner. Robin's eyes dart to me as Crocodile stops laughing. "What exactly is it you know, Detective Domino?" he asks lowly.

I shrug. "Probably all of it."

He slams his hook into the table, starling Vivi further into her seat. "This isn't a game! What do you know of my plans?" he growls.

Alright, how much of this shit do I actually remember…

I huff a breath, leaning on the bars and glaring at him. "You want the kingdom to collapse in on itself, without having to do any of the actual fighting, right? You've been destabilizing the King's reputation relentlessly for the past three years, so you've probably kidnapped him by now." Vivi gasps harshly as her eyes widen. "You've most likely got Bon Clay dressed up as him to cause a scene in… Nanohana? Some 'no one can find out I boogie woggied!' BS before you have some of your agents disguised as royal soldiers wreak havoc. I'd count on Mr. 1 and Miss Doublefinger being there too."

Did I just drop another 4kids line? Yes I did. Wait, is that where Luffy got the shitty Sanji accent?

Crocodile's jaw flexes as I continue, and Robin's eyes keep darting back and forth between us like she's been locked in a room with a live bomb. "You've most likely hand delivered them weapons to entice them into attacking the capital." I tilt my head down and look at him through my lashes under the brim of my hat. "The ideal nation. On the surface that's certainly what the goal of your little operation looks like. But is that really the case..? 'A pirate trying to steal a kingdom is a bad joke,'" I quote, "so you're after something. Something only Alabasta has to offer." Robin's expression tightens and Crocodile looks all the more closer to snapping my neck. "What could that be, I wonder..? Some kind of weapon, perchance even something ancient—"

My tirade is cut off by Crocodile suddenly appearing before me, sticking his hook swiftly but precisely through the bars without touching them, hooking it into my clothes, and slamming me into the bars to be face to face with him.

"I don't know how you found any of that out, or what you know of the weapon, but it remains you are much too dangerous to let live," he breathes into my face. I'm suddenly confronted by the very real idea that this man could, and wants to, kill me.

This isn't a game.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ED!" Luffy screams, trying to punch through the bars at Crocodile. He slides back to avoid it, dropping me in the process. Luffy deflates as he comes in contact with the seastone.

I scramble back from the bars, hand over my rapidly paced heart. Jesus fuck I changed my mind about antagonizing this fucker! Nami comes up behind me and helps me to my feet. "People here really don't like hearing the truth, huh?" I say raggedly.

"That's it. We're headed out to Alubarna now. I have a question for the King," Crocodile snaps, turning to the shell-shocked Robin and furious Vivi while he strides purposefully to the second large door in the room.

Vivi throws herself out of her chair as he moves. "Stop! Haven't you done enough?! Leave my father out of this!" she shrieks, wiggling across the floor.

Crocodile stares down at her in disdain. "What do you care for more, I wonder?" he pulls a key from his pocket and tosses it carelessly behind him. It lands on the floor with a clink before it opens up like a trap door and falls below the floor.

Vivi makes a squeaky sound, struggling on the ground and trying to get closer to the hole, before her ropes are snapping and she scrambles right up to the edge to peer down.

"You're free to come with us, Princess. Or you could save these people," Crocodile intones, a smirk creeping up his face. "You have about eight hours before the bloodshed begins. It will take longer than that for you to get to Alubarna, so I'd suggest leaving now."

I am suddenly feeling like I could have handled this much better.

"Was that the key to the cell?" Luffy yells, trying to crane his neck to see.

"Yes. And now it's down in the bananagator pen. All you have to do is open the cage for them," Crocodile sneers, marching closer as the door swings open with his coat swishing behind him. The tunnel, clear and made of glass, stretches out before him.

A dark shape passes one of the windows. Through them we can see one of the mentioned bananagators. "Woah! Look, there's gators growing out of those bananas! Weird bananas!" Luffy exclaims.

Usopp scoffs. "It's clearly bananas growing out of gators. Weird gators."

"It could be both, you never know. Chicken or the egg," I mumble.

Vivi makes another sound of shock. "What happened, Vivi?" Nami calls over, her face twisted in worry.

"A bananagator ate the key!" she cries.

All my companions make groans and screams. "Go down and make it spit it out!" Luffy demands.

"Are you crazy?! Those things would kill me! They eat Sea Kings!" Vivi shrieks.

Crocodile laughs, pausing in his path to taunt us. "Oh, that's too bad. By the way, in an hour this room will be one big fish tank. So take your pick, as many citizens as you can, or five futureless pirates. Make your bet Miss Wednesday, and hope your friend's luck will rub off on you!" He gives us an oily grin. "I really must thank your country for being populated by idiots like those rebels and the digging old man in Yuba."

"Hah? The dried up old guy?" Luffy questions, face twisted in a frown.

Crocodile tilts his head. "Oh, you know him? Though the oasis died, he still keeps doggedly digging it up. It really is too funny."

Zoro groans. "So Ed was right about that too, then? That you were the one causing the sandstorms?"

Luffy whips his head to Zoro, then me, then turns a furious glare on Crocodile. "That was you?! I'll kill you!"

Crocodile barely acknowledges him. He just walks right through the door, still laughing. Robin throws me another indecipherable look before she's following him out.

More trap doors flip open throughout the chamber, and water starts gushing up through them. "AAAH! The water's coming in! We're gonna drown!" Usopp shrieks, hands grabbing at his hair. "Vivi you gotta get us out of here!"

"Quit freaking out," Zoro commands.

"Are you kidding?! How can I not freak out at a time like this?! We're gonna drown like RATS!" Usopp retorts, voice climbing higher.

Vivi's slasher makes a scraping sound as it's dragged across the floor, Vivi rearing her hand up before it falls limp.

"VIVI!" Luffy screams. "GET US OUT OF HERE!"

The Strawhats fall silent around me.

"Ha! Finally begging for your life, eh Strawhat? It's only natural for everyone to be afraid of death," Crocodile laughs, pausing in his advance.

"If you don't get us out of here, who's gonna kick his ass?!" Luffy hollers.

Crocodile's eyes dart back to him in the cage. "Don't be so full of yourself, fishbait," he spits out.

"Yeah? Big words from a minnow, Luffy grits back. I couldn't stop my snort if I wanted to. From the corridor Crocodile and Robin are standing in is the sounds of a hatch opening, before a giant bananagator is lumbering into the room with us. "Vivi! You can beat it!" Luffy yells.

"Just punch it in the face! You're good at that!" I add.

Fuck, I gotta find a way out of this cage now. I try shaking the bars, minimal give. I try pushing on the pins holding it together. They don't move much under the pressure of my thumbs, but they do budge. An idea lights up in my brain.

There's a loud crunch and when I look up an entire chunk of the staircase is missing. There's quite a bit of screaming going on around me, and I'm frantically looking around for something I can use.

Then there's the sound of a Transponder ringing from the hall Crocodile is down. I pause. It's answered with a click. "Yes?" Robin asks.

"Hello?" Sanji's voice filters through. "Hellooo? Can you hear me?" I slap my hand over my mouth to stop myself from laughing.

"Yes, I can hear you. Is this a Millions?" Robin answers.

"Hey pal, is this thing working? I've never used a baby Transponder before," Sanji continues.

"Yeah, it's connected. You can speak," another voice says.

"Hurry up and state your business! What's going on?!" Crocodile snaps.

"Oh, I've definitely heard that voice before," Sanji says. "Hello, you've reached the crap cafe." I can't help but let a snicker out.

"...Crap cafe?" Crocodile grits out.

"Ah, so it seems you remember me. I'm glad to hear it," Sanji says, amusement in his voice.

I slap my hand over Luffy's mouth before he can say anything stupid. "Who are you?!" Crocodile demands.

Sanji hums. "Me? I'm… Mr. Prince." I burst into full on laughter. "Is that Ed I hear?" he asks playfully.

"Mr. Prince! We're stuck in a cage with fucking gators shaped like bananas!" I wheeze out, smacking my hands into the bars. "Under the casino!"

"Shut up!" Crocodile snaps.

"Also this dude has been so goddamn mean to me!" I add, sticking my tongue out at Crocodile.

"Can't have that!" Sanji laughs. "How about I just—" The rest of Sanji's sentence is cut off by a loud gunshot and a sound of pain.

"Take that you son of a bitch! What should I do with him sir?" the second voice asks as my friends freak out around me.

I smack Usopp on the shoulder. "Don't you recognize bad acting when you hear it?" I hiss quietly to him.

He blinks as understanding dawns on his face. "No! Mr. Prince! Our last hope, dashed just like that! Curse you, dastardly villains!" Usopp wails, clutching at his chest.

I smack him again. "Tone it down, Shakespeare!"

Crocodile throws us a nasty look before turning back to the snail. "Where are you right now?!" he demands harshly.

"At the front of Rain Dinners, sir," the second voice, which is starting to sound more and more like he's holding back tears, replies.

I catch Vivi's eye outside of the cage as she starts inching back. 'Don't move,' I mouth to her. She furrows her eyebrow but nods faintly.

"Let's go up to the gate then," Crocodile announces, starting back down the tunnel as the call ends with a click.

"Are you sure, sir? The Billions still don't know you're their boss," Robin asks.

"Doesn't matter. There's nothing suspicious about me going up there as Crocodile, especially since it's a commotion at the front of my own casino," he replies, striding down the hall away from us. The click of their footsteps grows fainter until the rush of water and the low growl of the bananagator are the only sounds aside from us.

I stare down the tunnel for a second longer, then turn back to Vivi. I flash her a thumbs up. "Go time! HEY BANANAGATOR! COME AT ME BRO!" I holler, smacking my hands on to the cage and generally creating as much noise as I can.

My companions all shriek around me, Usopp loudest of all. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" he screams, scuttling to the middle of the cage as the bananagator rears its head back at us.

"Causing a distraction, duh!" I reply, scooting back as the gator makes a big chomp on the cage. The structure rattles ominously around us as everyone starts screaming lounder.

"Damnit Domino, are you mad?!" Smoker yells, getting to his feet as the walls shake.

"Mad genius! GO VIVES GO!" I scream, watching Vivi give me a thumbs up and wide smile as she makes it up the stairs unimpeded.

"Thank you Ed! I'll go get help and be right back, I'm not going to abandon you guys! I'm sure Sanji is ok out there!" she calls, taking off running through the door.

I clap my hands as the gator tries another chomp and my friends all scream again. "Alright! Luffy and Usopp, in that corner and making as much noise as you can! Nami, try to pick that lock! Zoro, try to learn to cut metal before I crack this bitch or you owe me 7,000 berri! Fumigator, let me borrow your jutte!" I command.

"Why the hell should I do that?!" Smoker rasps, eyebrow twitching. "Do you have any idea the situation we're in? That woman with Crocodile has had an over 70 million berri bounty on her head for over twenty years! This goes far beyond Alabasta, this could put the whole damn world in danger!"

The water level is rising way too fucking fast, and every step we take is splashing water across the bottoms of my pants.

I grind my teeth together. "Do you know anything about her besides her bounty? Or are you just regurgitating the bullshit the government feeds you? Get your head out of your ass or we're going to die!"

"Give me one good reason I should give you it," he demands, a tick in his jaw that betrays how much those words bothered him. I'm actually amazed he hasn't bitten his cigars clean in half.

I glare at him and stick my chin out. "Seatone on seastone, you fucking idiot! Do you want to slowly drown like cats in a bag down here, or do you wanna live to see another pirate hunting day? Gimme the damn jutte!" I yell.

He stares me down for a long second. "Fine," he grits, tossing me the large weapon.

I nod my head in thanks and turn to the rest of my shell shocked companions. "Well?!" I snap.

They all scramble to their appointed positions at once. Zoro shoots me a smirk. "And you thought you'd be a bad First Mate."

I feel my face get red. "Shut up and get to work, ingrate!"

Usopp and Luffy are yelling very unflattering things about the gators mother while Zoro stares at the bars with his sword drawn intently. Nami has my case pinched between her knees and has very hesitantly stuck her hands out the cage and is sticking lockpicks in the keyhole.

I try lining up the tip of the jutte with one of the pins, but the jutte is just a tad too big. I grumble in frustration but move on to lining it up with a bar between two pins instead.

"What the hell are you doing?" Smoker asks behind me.

"Shut up. I'm concentrating," I grunt, trying to channel whatever strength my stupid arms have. "C'mon baby, work with me," I mumble. I take a deep breath, raise the jutte, and crack it down with as much force as I can, a yell sounding out of my throat.

The force of the hit vibrates up through my arms, and there's a weird shriek from the bar as it bends slightly downwards. The two pins on either side of where I hit slightly bulge out of their sockets. I smile.

"Here we go again!" I laugh, taking another swing. The bar dents downward, dislodging from the lattice while the two pins splash into the water and the next two pop out. I blink. "Oh my god, that worked!" I holler.

"That worked?" Smoker rumbles incredulously behind me. "How much upper body strength do you have? You look so… scrawny."

I scoff, aiming at the bar below the one I've been hitting. "Scrawny? Nah. I'm lean." I crack the jutte down again. The bar bends down with a satisfying creak and groan, a new series of five or so pins popping out of this one.

Almost there.

"This shit is supposed to be harder than diamond, so I need everyone to acknowledge how fucking crazy this is right now," I cackle. With more room under my original bar, I smack down again, a grunt slipping out between my teeth. There's more splashes from pins dropping as a maybe three foot tall hole opens up. That only leaves the problem of the vertical bars.

I hoop and holler, jumping in the air and accidentally kicking water everywhere. "Let's go! We win these!" I yell, gearing up the jutte like a baseball bat.

"What are you—" I cut Smoker off by swinging the jutte one last time with a yell right from the pit of my stomach. It crashes into a vertical bar in the middle of the hole, and the bar creaks sideways. The heads of no less than twelve pins splash to the ground as the bar pushes the two next to it out of place, crushing them together with a shriek.

I heave in a breath and take a pause. I stare at the hole big enough for a person to try squeezing through I made with my own strength. I run my eyes up my arms like I'll see some kinda mystical golden light pouring out of my veins. I don't.

"...I'm upgrading your workout routine. You're doing way more than pushups now," Zoro says, begrudgingly impressed while sheathing his sword in thinly veiled disappointment.

"Good god Ed, where the hell have you been hiding that?!" Nami yells, arms withdrawn back into the cage.

"No goddamn clue," I answer breathlessly, holding the jutte out behind me without looking so I can bend down and scoop up a handful of the pins from the water and shove them in my pocket.

The jutte is taken from my hands. "I'll admit that was… somewhat impressive," Smoker says slowly.

"Somewhat? That was a beautiful display!" a voice calls from on high. We all dart our eyes up to see Sanji, wearing glasses and back in his signature suit, and Vivi poised at the top of the stairs staring down at us in the cage.

"My only complaint is that you're depriving me of the chance to rescue you myself," Sanji says with a smirk.

Notes:

College starts up this week! while you probably won't see a significant effect on this fic for about a month or two because of my pre-written material, after that point we may be slowing down to once a week updates or less. Who knows, maybe my work load will end up being very manageable and nothing will change. Either way, I'll keep y'all updated and you can rest assured college classes won't be the thing that kills this fic.

Chapter 38: Chapter Thirty Eight: I Am Not A Fool Entire, No, I Know What Is Coming

Summary:

Bitter Water - The Oh Hellos

There's a moment of silence.

"That was hot," I blurt.

Notes:

Dude the first day of collage kicked my ASS. Why is this so HARD?!

I literally have four hours between two two hour classes today where I just have to sit and do fuck all because the commute between my house and the school is barely worth it. I mean I'm probably gonna write but dude... writing fanfiction in public is a line I don't know if I can cross...

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

I'm forced to postpone any kind of victory celebration as I jump back away from the snapping jaws of the bananagator.

"You can still save our lives, Prince Charming!" I holler, nearly splashing ass backwards into the thigh high water as it slows my legs.

Luffy clumsily bumps into my side as he slowly slumps inward. I loop one of his arms over my neck, and try to channel whatever the fuck I just did to hook my own arms under his legs and hoist him out of the water.

There's a series of splashing sounds before Sanji appears in front of the cage and kicks the bananagator so hard it goes flying with a loud crunching sound. He takes a slow hit of his cigarette then holds it out towards us. "Sorry to keep you all waiting," he says with a smirk.

There's a moment of silence.

"That was hot," I blurt.

His cool facade crumples like paper. He starts wiggling around and squealing like a schoolgirl while I twist to the side and stick my torso out through the gap I made with Luffy still in my arms still inside the cage.

Then I spot the approaching hoard of banangators waiting for us. I pause. "On second thought, can I wait in here?"

Zoro tries to push me aside so he can squeeze through. "Now you're being modest? Fucking move then, I'll kick their asses!"

The keyword is tries. He actually only succeeds in sticking his arm and sword though before getting the two of us jammed into the tight space, effectively getting us stuck.

"ZORO YOU IMPATIENT BASTARD!" I yell, trying to hit him without dropping Luffy or bisecting myself with one of the bars. My shoulder squeezes painfully against his armpit and I can see him swinging his sword blindly outside the cage.

"Good job Vivi!" Luffy hollers, cringing away from the bars and but still sticking a thumbs up for her. Vivi slouches over the broken stairs with a huge relieved smile.

"I'll teach these bananas some table manners," Sanji says, raising his leg straight up over his head in a move that would make most dancers seethe with jealousy.

"The third one has the key," Smoker pipes up. When I crane my neck, I see he's jumped up on the bench and is watching us with a weird mix of disdain and morbid curiosity.

Zoro starts wiggling again and I try to kick him. Luffy is getting impatient in my arms, but can't really go anywhere. "Zoro, you're gonna cut my head off, stop! Fucken kill 'em Sanji! I want a new pair of boots!" I call, trying to move my arms in any way that doesn't pinch shit it shouldn't pinch.

Sanji strides forward through the water like it isn't even there. "Then allow me."

And I thought watching him beat the shit out of the first one was hot. Lemme just say — nothing is more attractive than a man kicking a big scary lizard that wants to kill you so hard it pukes up a ball of wax. Nothing.

The ball rolls through the water for a second before there's a cracking sound. The distinctive hair of Mr. 3 pops out of the open shell, thin and dry arms over his head and shaking violently. "I'M ALIVE!" he yells.

We all stare at him as he rehydrates himself in the rushing water. He turns around to us and freezes.

3 blinks and looks down at the key stuck to the ball of wax, the cage and the water, us, and Sanji. He arches an eyebrow as a smirk slides onto his face. "Ah, I see what's happening here," he chuckles, then spins and whips the key across the room towards the bananagators.

"HAHA! You want the key? Go get it!" he yells, smug faced and pointing at us in mockery.

"Kill this fucker! Skin the bad tactician!" I howl, smashing my shoulder harder into Zoro while he yelps and tries to withdraw his arm, except he fucking can't because of how tightly he wedged us. "I don't care that the key was fake! Kill him!"

3 blinks as he seems to recognize me now. "YOU!" he yelps, turning his accusing finger on me. I snap my teeth at him.

"Fake?! Whatever, wait! Don't kill him, make him make another key!" Usopp yells from the other side of Zoro, coming up to help dislodge us.

Sanji stalks forward, cracking his neck while 3 shrinks back with a nervous laugh.

Usopp manages to get me and Zoro unstuck by the time 3 is unlocking the door to the cage, blood all over his face. I very pointedly exit by squeezing through the hole I made with Luffy still tucked in my arms, glaring at Zoro the entire time.

Luffy pats my arms and hops down into the water, slowly trudging away while Usopp comes up to poke at the bars I bent. "I'm starting to think you're not even human," he says matter-of-factly.

I scoff. "Yeah, alright." Then I give him a smile. "Very smart solution in there, Usopp," I praise.

His face goes lightly pink and he scratches the back of his neck. "Yeah yeah, thanks."

"And Sanji! You were fucking awesome!" I cheer, hooking my arm around his neck and shaking him. "Like a super spy or some shit! You're a slightly less weird Austin Powers!"

Both of the boys scrunch their faces. "Who?" they say in unison.

I stop. I sigh. "Yeesh, that's sad." It's goddamn depressing no one's ever gonna get references like these again. "Austin Powers. International Man of Mystery. The Spy Who Shagged Me."

Usopp raises an eyebrow. "What the hell is 'shagged'?"

I smirk. "Fucked."

The boys both scream. "A SPY FUCKED YOU?!" Usopp screeches, reeling away from me. Sanji clutches at my shirt in despair.

"No?! It's the title of a movie!" I yell, smacking Usopp upside the head and hooking my spare arm over his neck as well.

"I don't know anything about where you're from except they make some fucked up shit," Sanji says earnestly. I don't have it in myself to disagree.

I squeeze both the boys and turn in the direction of the rest of the group. Vivi and Nami are reuniting beside us, and Zoro and Luffy are standing over the defeated pile of banangators that were blocking our path.

"That's it?! I can take on hundreds of those weird bananas!" Luffy hollers, pumping his arms.

"And I had so much trouble with just one!" Vivi weeps, turning away and putting her face in her hands.

Usopp pats her on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, those two are monsters. Their crazy abnormal strength is nothing to compare yourself to."

"Yeah?! I'd be stronger if I wasn't soaked in water!" Luffy yells, furiously wringing out his clothes to no avail.

There's thick spiderweb cracks and creeping from the tunnel and Nami hesitantly takes a step back. "I think you guys may have overdid it…" she mumbles, the hand not clutching my case shooting out to grab Vivi's robe.

There's some incredibly ominous creaking sounds from the tunnel, and then the fucking windows are shattering. The walls implode, water rushing in as we all start screaming.

I drop my hold on the boys to dash forward and grab Luffy as the room basically dissolves into rubble. He turns and gives me this imploring look and I understand instantly what he wants. "I've got the Captain, Zoro you get the chimney!" I shout, locking my arms together across his chest.

"What?!" Zoro shouts back, nearly slipping on the influx of rushing water. "He's the enemy, we should just leave him!"

"He'll die, he'll sink like a hammer!" Luffy yells, grabbing onto my arms as hard as he can. Zoro makes a face.

Then we're underwater.

—

I break the surface with a gasp, twisting my body to haul Luffy up over the ledge of the street we emerged near. I cough as a breath stutters in my chest, and flip Luffy over as he starts spewing water.

"Those swimming lessons I took as a kid are paying off in spades…" I mumble into the ground before lifting my head. "Everyone alive?" I call hoarsely.

There's a few groans in response. "We're good. Usopp got hit by a rock," Nami mumbles into the stonework. "I really hope your case is waterproof."

Zoro surfaces and tosses Smoker up onto the road with a grunt.

"Why the hell did you save him?" Sanji reprimands, pushing himself up to help the girls.

"Not like I wanted to! He was gonna die!" Zoro grits, getting to his feet and shaking off the water.

"We lost a lot of time. Vivi, can we still make it?" Sanji asks, wiping beads of water from his glasses.

"I don't know," she responds, wringing water out of her robe.

"Nami, you still have that perfume you got in Nanohana?" Sanji continues.

Nami pauses in tying up her hair. "Yeah? Why?"

"Put some on, if you don't mind," he asks. She shrugs and takes out the bottle, spritzing some on her collarbones. Sanji swoons. "Ah! It's like falling in love and going to heaven!" he croons.

"Yeah, then stay there," Zoro grumbles.

Suddenly Smoker, who had been catching his breath on the ground, lunges at Zoro with his jutte. Zoro draws his sword at lightspeed and blocks the blow with no wasted effort. "Roronoa! Why did you save me?" he demands.

Zoro pushes the tip of the jutte away from himself. "I was just following Captain's orders. Blame those two idiots over there, I would have let you drown," he grumbles, jerking a thumb over at Luffy and I.

Smoker looks between us for a second. "Then you wouldn't mind me carrying out my duty here and arresting you, would you?" he rasps.

Sanji groans. "This is what you get for saving a Marine."

"Put your conscience over your damn duty for once," I grumble, shrugging off my shirt to wring the water out better. "Have we even done anything illegal since we got here that isn't calling ourselves pirates?"

Smoker's face flattens. "Yes, yes you have."

I blink. "Oh. Oops, sorry."

"Did you just apologize for breaking the law?" Nami asks, reluctantly handing me my case back. I shrug. Usopp and Luffy choose this moment to spring back up from the ground, still soggy and quite angry.

"Alright! Full speed to Alubarna!" Usopp hollers.

"Where's that Crocodile, lemme at him!" Luffy growls. Then he turns around and notices Smoker and raises his fists. "Smokey! You want some of this?! Bring it on!"

Usopp shrieks. "It's Smoker! Are you crazy Luffy?! Let's just run!"

Smoker stares at the group of us for a long moment. "Just this once…" he mumbles, voice rough and low, "...I'll let you get away." We all blink at him. "But next time we meet, Strawhat, you're dead."

There's a pause as we take that in. Then the thundering sounds of approaching Marines, accompanied by yelling, comes echoing around the corner. "There they are! The Strawhat Pirates!"

Zoro throws his head back and laughs. Everyone takes off immediately, all except Luffy.

I grab his hand. "C'mon, Captain. Let's get going," I say with a smile, winking at Smoker just to make him scrunch his nose at me.

Luffy laughs as the Marines yelling ramps up. "Yaknow what? Ed was right! You are pretty cool, Smokey!"

I yank Luffy forward and away as Smoker, red faced, takes a swing at us both. "GET OUTTA HERE!" he yells as we take off running into the sunset.

The lot of us run wild through the streets of Rainbase, Marines nipping at our heels the whole way. "We're not gonna run all the way to Alubarna, are we?!" Usopp gasps between frantic breaths.

"Where's Eyelash when you need him?!" Nami groans.

"This place has horses, right? Let's get horses!" Luffy yells, basically dragging me behind him after I had almost tripped and eaten shit.

"But the Marines are everywhere!" Vivi responds.

"No need! Look up ahead." Sanji calls from the front of the pack.

"Hey! You guys!" Chopper voice calls from up ahead. We all turn our heads and collectively drop our jaws.

"IS THAT A GIANT FUCKING CRAB?!"

It is. It's a giant fucking crab. And Chopper and Eyelash the fucking camel are sitting on top of the damn thing as it comes scuttling sideways in front of us so fast it leaves a cloud of dust in its wake.

Me and Luffy both start drooling. "Giant… crab…" I mumble, shaking hands reaching forward reverently.

"Looks tasty!" Luffy yells, clutching fingers into my shirt.

"Hop on!" Chopper calls from atop it.

"We can ride the giant crab?! Hell yes!" Luffy screams, shaking me back and forth.

"Why does he look so creepy though..?" Nami mutters, tugging her robe tighter around her body.

"He's one of Eyelash's friends! This is his hometown, so he's got lots of weird friends around," Chopper explains.

"Amazing! Crab Movers are hard to find because they burrow in the sand!" Vivi awes.

"Beats running," Zoro says with a shrug.

Climbing up the damn thing is a chore, let me tell you that. I think the crab gets fed up with my apparent inability to climb his carapace because he eventually just plucks me up with a claw and tosses me up. I land on top of Vivi with a yelp.

That ends up being a good thing, because we barely get ten seconds of moving before Crocodile's golden hook materializes from the sand in front of us and lunges for her. I swing my case into it hard enough to redirect its course.

"It's him!" Luffy yells from behind me. I shove Vivi back there and plant myself in front of her regardless of the fact that I'm not much of a shield.

Luffy brushes past me and everything goes slow motion. I'm caught by the image of him skewered through by the hook, left in the sand to die. Fear lances through my gut like a flash of lightning. I jolt out my hand to catch him.

My finger catch in his robe and make him pause. "Wait!" I say, pure fucking desperation coating my words like a lacquer.

Luffy turns his head toward me, eyes confused but expression determined. Whatever he reads in my expression makes his eyes widen. "I'm listening," he says gently.

"Don't—" I cut myself off, biting harshly into my lip. "Don't go," I beg, sounding painfully small.

Luffy untangles my fingers from his clothing and hooks our pinkies together. "I gotta," he says with a smile. I know my face crumples. "I'll be careful," he promises.

I barely nod, but it's enough for Luffy to continue rocketing at Crocodile's hook, and using that to hitch a ride across the widening gap between us and the city.

"TAKE CARE OF VIVI! MAKE SURE SHE GETS TO ALUBARNA!" Luffy hollers, upside down and spread like a starfish but with a wide grin regardless.

I feel Zoro's hand land heavy on my shoulder. "Trust our Captain," he murmurs.

I clench my fists. "YOU GOT IT!" I scream back, turning my back to him to face Chopper. "Keep going! Full speed to Alubarna!"

"G — gotcha!" Chopper yelps, urging the crab onward.

"Ed! You're abandoning Luffy?!" Usopp screeches. Zoro's hand tightens on my shoulder as they hunch upwards.

Vivi lurches back like she wants to jump after Luffy. Nami catches her. "He'll be alright Vivi! It's Crocodile you have to worry about! He's fought some pretty tough guys, and he's always the one still standing!" she states, smile determined despite the sweat rolling down her face.

"Listen, Vivi," Zoro starts, moving past me, "Luffy is gonna keep Crocodile busy so we can get away. The second those rebels took off, this was a race against the clock. If they clash with the royal army, your country is finished! You're the only hope of preventing that, so no matter what happens to the rest of us… You have to live!"

"This is something you started, Vivi," Sanji says, back turned to her. "You left Alabasta to take on a shadowy group who's nature you didn't know. But…" he glances back at her, "you're not fighting alone anymore."

Vivi's eyes widen. "D — don't worry V — Vivi! I've g — got your back!" Usopp shrieks, sweat pouring off him in waves.

Vivi sits up. "LUFFY!" she screams. "I'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU IN ALUBARNA!"

"KAY!" Luffy's voice screams back.

"He'll always come back to us eventually," I say, walking closer to Vivi and the middle of the crab. "He…" I pause, "he'll defeat Crocodile no matter what. We just have to do what we can do ourselves." I glance around at my crew. "Any objections?" There's a chorus of ascent. I nod. "Great."

Vivi suddenly tenses up beside me. "What's the matter?" Nami asks nervously.

"There's a sandstorm headed for Rainbase! It's him, I know it!" she grits out.

I take her hand. She looks at me. I smile, albeit tensely. "It's gonna be just fine. We're gonna get your ass to the capital and you're gonna have your damn conversation with those fuckhead rebels. If I have to shoot myself in the foot to do it, so fucking be it."

Vivi blinks harshly. "That seems a little far," she mumbles.

I squeeze her hand. "Nah, Vives. I'd fucken raise this sandy rock to the heavens for you right now. And when you see Luffy in Alubarna it's gonna be the most amazing feeling in the world. So you take a deep breath, have a piece of jerky, and focus on the rebellion."

She scrunches her face for a second before letting it relax. "Yeah. Yeah, ok," she sighs. She takes my offered jerky and tears a chunk out of it, grinding the dried meat between her molars.

I tune out as the boys start arguing. I do my best to keep my eyes on the horizon and ignore that pure unadulterated idiocy going on around me, but Zoro and Sanji make it pretty fucken hard.

"Me?! Scared?! No way, pretty brow boy!" Zoro screams.

"Eh?! Watch your mouth, mosshead!" Sanji grits back.

"YOU WANNA FIGHT—"

Thank the stars, Nami cuts them off with swift knocks to the skull. "Shut it you jackasses!"

…Not to stir the pot, but this arc has been pretty fucken gay. Fruity shit after fruity shit. Not that I have any room to talk, but…

—

The trip is… well it's tense. And long. Despite the wack ass speed this thing goes at, it's still a crab running through the desert. At least it's well into the evening at this point and it isn't blisteringly hot.

Zoro is working out with a camel, Usopp is nonstop saying incorrect shit to Chopper, Sanji is chain smoking like a 60's housewife, Nami is reading the instructions for her Clima-Tact, Vivi is staring of into the distance, and I'm reloading my gun lamenting leaving my cannon on the ship. It would have been ass dragging it through the desert, but goddamnit. Cannon.

"So… This may be a bad time to mention it, but Crab Movers can't really cross water. So we don't exactly have a way forward after we hit the Sandora river," Vivi suddenly blurts. We all pause.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN'T CROSS THE RIVER ON THE CRAB?!" Usopp shrieks, eyes basically popping out of his skull.

"That's not great, since it's right there," Sanji announces, pointing ahead of us. We all blanch.

"That thing is miles wide! We can't swim across that!" Usopp wails, clutching onto Vivi's robe like she can save him.

"Do something, Pincers!" Nami begs.

"I got it! Pincers likes dancer girls!" Chopper suddenly proclaims.

I slap a hand on Nami's shoulder as she starts taking off her robe with a sigh. "Hey, Pincers. Eyes up here!" I call. Pincers creepy eyes crane back to look at me. "You get us across that fucking river and I'll concider changing my mind about cooking you."

Pincers blinks at me. I crack my knuckles. His eyes go wide, and then we're picking up speed. The Sandora River approaches swiftly, and just before we hit the water I smack Nami on the shoulder again. "You can show him your tits if you want now."

She throws her head back and laughs. "Hey Pincers!" she croons. Pincers looks back again as Nami shrugs off her robe and strikes a pose. "Feast your eyes!"

There's a loud thud behind us as both Sanji and Eyelash collapse to the ground. Steam explodes from the front of Pincers face, and then we're rocketing across the Sandora.

"It's a miracle! We're running on water!" Usopp awes. Then we start sinking. We start screaming as the water rushes up to meet us. "Some miracle!" Usopp gargles, failing around until he remembers how to swim.

"No use complaining. Just start moving," Zoro grumbles, hoisting Chopper up onto his shoulders.

"Aren't there boats or something around here? How wide is this thing anyways?" Usopp grumbles.

"It's about 30 miles," Vivi responds.

"THAT'S WAY TOO FAR TO SWIM!" Usopp screams.

There's loud splashing from in front of us as a giant head pokes through the water, and then a giant fucking Sandora Catfish is staring down at us. "Ah," I deadpan, "that's cool."

The screaming picks up again. We all start swimming away from it as fast as we can as it dives towards us. "Is now a good time to mention that Sandora Catfish love human flesh?!" Vivi screams.

Then there's a loud slamming crack from the Catfish, and it belly-flops into the water defeated as we turn around. Small figures are perched atop the giant fish, and everyone's jaws drop. "It's the Kung Fu Dugongs!" Usopp yells.

Oh, that's what those were.

I'd feel worse about riding the Catfish's unconscious body like a raft being pulled by the Dugongs if it hadn't tried to eat us. The Dugongs are barking and a couple of them wave flags as we coast through the river.

"They say they're just looking out for their fellow pupils," Chopper explains.

"Fellow pupils? It's not like Luffy is our master…" Usopp mutters.

"Are you really going to argue right now? They're saving our asses," I scoff, laying back and crossing my arms beneath my head. "We probably won't hit the other bank for another hour or so. I'm taking a fucken nap."

—

It does take an hour. Maybe. I'm shaken awake however long later by Nami. "C'mon. We gotta get going, still a long way to Alubarna," she says, tugging me to my feet, grabbing my case, and helping me off the Catfish while I rub my eyes.

As we pass the Dugongs onto the shore, something catches said eyes. I pause to turn and look at the long metal case one of the Dugongs is holding while waving us off. "...Hey Nami," I start. "You met these guys when we got off the ship at Erumalu, right?"

She hums in confirmation. "Why?"

I point to the Dugong. "He has my cannon." Did this little motherfucker steal it off the goddamn ship? I stomp up to the shit and stare down at it. "Gimme that back," I demand. The Dugong looks up at me, puts the case down behind itself, and puts its dukes up. "Oh you wanna fight me for it? Huh? That what you want, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle reject?" I spit, putting my fists up and hopping from foot to foot.

"Ed you moron, don't fucking fight that thing! It beat up Usopp already!" Nami groans.

"Or do. I think some asskicking to humble you would be good for your ego," Zoro scoffs.

I stare intently at the Dugong. "I will crush you," I promise. The Dugong barks and gives me a solemn nod.

Time to employ the greatest of ye olde strategy. I didn't read The Art of War for nothing.

I point behind the Dugong with a horrified look. "Look over there!" I cry. The Dugong whips around to see what I'm talking about. I whack it over the head as hard as I can. It falls to the ground, defeated. I pick up my case and trot back to my gobsmacked friends.

I pop it open and squish my cheek into my beloved cannon. "Ah how I've missed you!" I weep, running my hands along the barrel. All my friends regard me with the same appalled look. "What? It's my cannon! Fuck right off!" I shout, snapping it back shut.

There's a bark behind me, and when I turn the Dugong I demolished is bowing at me. I blink.

"He says he is now your faithful disciple and wishes to learn all your strategies," Chopper explains.

I blanche. "Uh. Yeah no. I don't take on students and the only things I could teach you would get you arrested."

"He says that's not a problem," Chopper translates for me when the Dugong starts barking again.

I shake my head. "Nope. No way. Buuuut…" I look at my cases contemplatively. "How about this, you take this case of important shit back to our ship, and I'll consider your tutelage complete. Sound good?" I hold out my case of money from the casino. Nami makes a wounded sound and I roll my eyes. "I'm not carrying this into battle, you psychopath. So how about it?"

The Dugong bows, barks, and holds out his flippers. "He says that sounds like a fair trade to him. He promises not to fail you. He called you master," Chopper translates again.

I make a face at the title, but place my case in his little flippers ceremoniously. "I shall entrust this to you, then." With a final solemn nod shared between us, the Dugong is taking off down the Sandora away from us and the other Dugongs.

We stare after it for a second. "That's one way to deal with extra baggage," Zoro intones, turning on his heel while the rest of us start walking.

And with a wave goodbye to the Dugongs, we get back to trekking through the desert. Or at least, we do until Nami whips her head to the side with a gasp. "What's that?" she shouts, pointing toward some kind of dust cloud coming towards us.

"Don't tell me it's Baroque Works!" Usopp shrieks, tucking himself behind an irritated Zoro.

Vivi's jaw drops. "No! It's Karoo, and the Supersonic Duck Squadron!"

Indeed, Karoo and a group of six other ducks come skidding to a stop in front of us, matching salutes raised as Vivi rushes forward to greet them.

I throw my head back and laugh. "Guess we'll be making it to Alabasta on time after all!"

Notes:

Ed the entire Alabasta trip: let's go beat up Crocodile
Ed as soon as someone is gonna go beat up Crocodile: WAIT NO

My classes go to SEVEN AT GODDAMN NIGHT. So Wednesday updates may be earlier in the day than usual from now on.

Chapter 39: Chapter Thirty Nine: Stay Soft, Get Beaten

Summary:

Stay Soft - Mitski

I stare him down. "Seems so. You'll have to forgive me." I kick the end of my cannon case and sling it over my shoulder, a la Wolfwood, and smirk at him. "Let's rock, dreamgirl."

Notes:

This was literally one of the worst weeks of my life. I had a constant migraine the whole time, why the hell did I pay to go to college? (It was actually fine in retrospect but while it was happening I was quite unhappy.)

And in the midst of this terrible time my stupid ass went YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE GREAT? WRITING AND POSTING A WHOLE NEW FIC!
So uh, if you wanna go read that it exists. It's completely unrelated to this fic and just a Sanji introspective thing but eh.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

"You got a plan, Vives?" I ask from the duck I find myself astride. For some unearthly reason the goddamn camel gets a whole duck to himself, so I've got Chopper tucked in front of me on the saddle, and my cannon case settled and strapped behind me.

Vivi gives me a bright smile full of mischief from atop Karoo. "You bet your ass I do!" The smile drops just as quickly as it spread. "Ah! But only if you guys are ok with it!"

Half of us scoff and the rest groan. "Stop second guessing yourself! I asked 'cause I wanted to hear it!" I jeer good-naturedly.

She laughs and rubs the back of her neck. "Sorry, sorry. Old habits." Then she's reaching back to riffle through a bag. "I picked up these cloaks, and I think they're gonna come in handy. I'd like to cause a diversion so I can speak with the rebels undisturbed, if you guys don't mind playing decoy."

Aw, I'm so proud of her for putting herself first in a plan! She's growing!

"So we all put on identical cloaks and pretend to be you?" Sanji muses. "Brilliant, to be sure, but with our… different builds… will that work?" Good question from the cook.

"If we freak them out enough, they'll never know," I say with a shrug. "These ducks are the fastest animals in Alabasta, right? If we zoom past them, I don't think they'll even notice."

"Fair enough. So we just charge at the officer agents with wild abandon and hope they follow us?" Zoro asks.

Vivi nods. "That's the hope."

I nod as well. "When people are panicked or in a state of shock, they won't be able to react correctly for say… twenty seconds. If we can draw them away in that time, we're set. At that point we can split off and fight these fuckers to our hearts content, and Vives can smack some sense into the rebels."

She chuckles. "I probably won't be smacking anybody, but I appreciate the sentiment regardless."

I shrug. "Smacking may do you some good. At the very least a megaphone, if you've got one in that bag of yours."

She raises an eyebrow. "Why a megaphone?"

I turn my head away. "I just want to make sure they hear you. That they listen." Silence spreads through the group. I turn back and everyone is staring at me with a mix of guilt and pity. I blink. "Jesus Christ guys, lighten up. I'm not mad, I'm being funny," I snort. There's a few relieved laughs.

I crack my knuckles and close my eyes, handing the reins to Chopper for a moment and drawing on my memory of what happens next. "Ok, here's how I think we should split off…"

—

It's under cloaks and arranged in the order I specified that we ride up to the west gate at sunrise, minus Vivi and the camel.

Mr. 4 shoots an explosive tennis ball at us, which is dodged fairly easily, then Chopper (who is on his own duck now) and Usopp break off towards the south with Usopp shooting a burning projectile towards Mr. 1 as he goes. Mr. 4 and Miss Merry Christmas follow them.

Nami and Zoro barrel right through the west gate next, Mr. 1 and Miss Doublefinger giving chase behind. Me and Sanji shoot off for the south-west gate, Sanji and his duck trampling Bon Clay as we zoom right up the stairs and into the city.

"Remember, Sanji, if this fucker turns into a girl you're gonna be fucken useless to me. So be ready to double back and assist someone else, aight? Vives may need help," I mumble over as we race through the streets.

He looks ready to protest for a second before snapping his jaw shut and reluctantly nodding his head. "I still don't like that part of the plan, but if you think it's best…"

We both come to a skidding halt around a corner. Bon Clay stops behind us, huffing and puffing from the run. I wink at Sanji and we're both tugging off our hoods. I stick out my tongue and toss Bon Clay a peace sign.

"Too bad," me and Sanji say in unison, "wrong guess!"

Bon Clays jaw drops. "You're—!"

I throw my head back and laugh. "Sorry, doll! I hate for this to be how we're meeting again, but it is what it is," I throw a look at Sanji, ignoring the forming pit in my stomach. "Get a move on, Romeo. You go for that assist, I'm cool here."

Sanji hesitates. "Are you sure you're sure..? I truly do hate leaving you by your lonesome, and I could take this guy easy if you want to take a break—"

I cut him off with a cackle. "Move your ass, gorgeous. I wanna actually do something instead of getting fucked by this trip before it's done. And there's a lady out there who actually needs your help."

This is a fucking terrible idea. Usopp got fucken one shot by this dude. Bon Clay was an even match for Sanji for a good chunk of their fight, even without his advantage. I might just be setting myself up for failure.

Sanji seems to agree. "I don't know—"

I cut him off again by hopping off my duck and planting one end of my case in the sandy ground at my side. "Scram, angel eyes. I'll start throwing shit at you, I'm not kidding," I say with a smirk, eyes trained on Bon Clay who seems more confused by the second.

Sanji takes another long moment to hesitate. Then he deflates with a sigh, taking a hit off his cigarette. "Fine. But if you need my assistance in the slightest, you only need to shout for me. I'll hear you."

I don't bother turning as I hear Sanji and his duck retreating. "Yeah, I know." I murmur. "You can go too." I add for the duck that's been carting me around. He squawks, then takes off down the narrow streets.

Bon Clay straightens up from where he was hunched catching his breath, looking no less bewildered with Sanji's timely departure. "Hm. So it seems we meet again, my friend. Though this time as enemies," he huffs.

I stare him down. "Seems so. You'll have to forgive me." I kick the end of my cannon case and sling it over my shoulder, a la Wolfwood, and smirk at him. "Let's rock, dreamgirl."

Bon Clay's painted lips quirk up. "Sorry, I prefer classical."

Ok, a head on fight probably won't go my way. Distance is my best bet.

With that in mind, I give him another peace sign and spin on my heel, running off into the narrow streets as fast as I can. I hear Bon Clay squawk behind me, then the rhythmic sound of his ballet shoes slapping on the pavement.

I twist and duck through alleys, jumping carts and knocking over my fair share of barrels in the abandoned streets. When I reach a nice junction, I skid to a stop on my knees and plonk down my case, popping the clasps and hastily loading it before hefting it onto my shoulder and aiming it at the entrance to the corner.

I pause when I hear Zoro's voice call out to me, "Ed, you psycho! Stop running!" The man himself barrels around the corner and stops when he sees me with the cannon. "I forgot you had that. Quit running like a maniac so we can stick together," he grumbles, then he flashes me his arm bandage.

I nod. "Ah. Yeah. Hey Zoro, do you remember the passcode? My stupid ass forgot it because whatever you came up with was so stupid." Does this asshole think I'm fucking dumb?

He shrugs. "Not my fault you can't remember it. Not like it matters much now."

I smile at him. "You're right. It doesn't really matter." And I shoot my cannon at him.

The cannon ball slams into his stomach. Bon Clay, because he morphs back to Bon Clay when he folds him half and his left hand slaps onto his face, squawks and stares at me in blatant shock. "What gave it away?!"

I load a second cannon ball. "Zoro never voluntarily wants to spend time with me! Besides, I came up with the passcode! And it was brilliant!" I holler, adjust and shoot again. The recoil is straining my shoulder barely enough to hurt, though I imagined it would be worse if I wasn't braced on the ground.

Bon Clay twirls around the shot, and seems to get his wits back. "Ah! You're good! Too bad, I like for us queers to stick together," he says, getting into a karate-esque stance.

I roll my eyes, loading up another cannonball. "That's kinda hard when half the fuckers involved in this conflict are fruity."

He barks out a laugh before his jaw drops. "You got the vibe from Crocodile too?!"

I grin. "Yes! I'm not crazy, there's something going on there!"

He nods emphatically, lunging forward with a spinning kick. "You didn't hear this from me, but Crocodile wears lifts in his shoes."

I laugh and roll under his leg, pointing my cannon using the ground as leverage and fire. He does this crazy spin flip and doges, making a nearby building lose a corner in a spray of bricks.

I cringe. Oops. I hope this country has good infrastructure…

"I'm sorry to have to do this, but Mr. 0 put you right near the top of the hit list. I really don't know what you could have done to make him so mad," Bon Clay says, violently spinning towards me. My dodge isn't quick enough and he lands a bruising kick into my thigh, then launches a second attack.

I tuck and roll again, bumping into the wall and barely ducking under a kick that breaks stone. "I ran my mouth, as usual. Hey, think you could just quit Baroque Works and let me do what I gotta do?" I ask, sliding across the ground back to my case and grabbing the rest of the cannonballs to tuck them into various pockets.

Bon Clay launches another kick at me that embeds his foot in yet another wall, he tugs it for a second and realizes it's stuck. "Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be an option at the moment, no joke."

I take the momentary reprieve as an opportunity to load some black powder down the barrel of my cannon before sliding the cannonball down. I fire the shot at Bon Clay as soon as I flip the lever.

God has decided he hates me however, because Bon Clay manages to get free just before the projectile hits him. It blasts into the half wall and shattered stone goes exploding everywhere. It also sends me sliding back a few inches because of the increased recoil with the black powder.

I load and fire another shot at his head as he gets back to his feet. His leg comes swinging up, and I'm forced to hit the deck as he kicks the cannonball right back at me. "That's really impressive leg strength!" I cry, scooting back across the sandy ground.

Bon Clay laughs, doing a twirl. "Why thank you! I've spent many meticulous years perfecting my Okama Kenpo!" The twirl turns into this weird spinning double kick that I take to the back. I slam into and break a barrel, then crash down onto my knees with a grunt and scuttle forward to get some distance.

Another cannonball is loaded down the barrel. "It really does show!" I have got to stop wasting my goddamn ammo on pointless attacks. I take a quick assessing glance around the little junction we're fighting in.

The debris from the barrel I broke, some more barrels, a wagon with some sacks on it, a fuckton of rubble around… Yeah that's not a lot to work with. I wonder what's in those sacks though, if I luck out and it's flour or something…

I'm distracted from that train of thought by Bon Clay lunging towards me with a couple palm strikes that I narrowly dodge. Fuck it, it'll have to do.

I'm slammed in the chest by a kick and fall back on my ass. I take a peek at the wagon from behind Bon Clay as he comes back in for a wide sweeping kick. I roll back on the ground, bumping into the fucking walls that are goddamn everywhere (note to self, stop fighting in enclosed spaces,) and grimace.

I kick off the wall and slide across the ground closer to the wagon, pretty much skinning my knees on the rough ground to pass under another of Bon Clay's kicks, and fire my cannon into it when I'm close enough. The thing fucking explodes. Some kind of powder, I've got no clue what it is, clouds the air.

I lose sight of Bon Clay for a second, and fully take advantage of the fact he can't see me. I pray for a second that it actually isn't flour because if it is, this will genuinely kill me. I load black powder, and fire my cannon straight up into the air.

Thankfully, I don't explode.

Not flour or sugar, got it. Either would have blown me back to kingdom come.

"What the hell?" Bon Clay squawks from somewhere to my left. I try to quietly slide further away, but am once again bitchslapped by fate and trip over a chunk of rock and go sprawling on the ground with a shriek.

"There you are," his voice says ominously. Through the haze I can see Bon Clay's leg come careening toward me at a speed that will undoubtedly shatter my fucking skull.

I do what I can.

I hoist up my cannon in front of me, and his leg impacts. The cannon bends like a cheap pipe cleaner, and the kick barely misses taking my head off my shoulders. I stare at my weapon in horror.

"You… You broke my cannon…" I whisper slowly.

Bon Clay strikes a pose and laughs. "Aha! Yes, my Okama Kenpo is extremely powerful! Cannons and weapons of all types crumple like paper before my glory! No joke!"

My chuckle starts low. It builds, slowly edging from incredulous to unhinged. Bon Clay stops laughing with me at some point. I slowly tilt my head up to meet his eyes. Whatever he sees in mine makes him gulp.

"I really liked that cannon," I tell him.

He gives me a fearful and shaky smile. "It was a very nice cannon?"

I press a kiss to the destroyed barrel, then lay it on the ground "Goodnight, my sweet prince," I whisper. My final unusable cannonball sits heavy in my pocket. I get to my feet. "Alright," I say calmly, "show me your next trick."

Bon Clay hesitates. "U — uh alright! I once fought a foe who couldn't bring himself to harm a friend! Not to mention a princess!" Then his right hand meets his face and I'm staring into Vivi's eyes. I look at him impassively. "Aahah! I bet you can't even imagine harming a hair on the princesses head!" she cackles, hands flapping.

"Hm. Yeah, I can see how this would deter some people," I say mildly. Bon Clay cackles. I take a couple steps forward, a wicked grin crawling up my face. "I'm not some people." I wind my fist up. "I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL BAD ABOUT THIS!" I yell.

And then I deck her as hard as I can.

She shrieks as her head snaps to the side, left hand slapping up into where I hit as she transforms back into regular Bon Clay. "What the hell?! You would just hit your friend like that!?" he cries.