Arizona turned 34 on a Wednesday.
If she had left her apartment at all, she would have known that it was a beautiful day to turn 34. The winter season left the world the way it always did: kicking and screaming, cold air long overstaying its welcome well into spring. But the sun was back now, and its warmth cut through the frigidity with a promise of a faultless Washington summer. Soon. Any day now.
Arizona loved sunny days. She loved going for runs in the park or lying prone in the grass with a book, letting the light coax the freckles on her arms out of hibernation. She loved strolling through farmer's markets, picking out bouquets of flowers and quarts of fresh cherries to take home. She loved the smell of sunscreen, loved the way ice cream melted too quickly, loved tying her hair back in braids to keep cool.
But Arizona did not love her birthday. So much so that she spent the warmest day of the month curled up in the dark, all alone, trying desperately to forget that she was 34 and Wallace would only ever be 11.
It was her fault. She shouldn't have done the surgery. She was fresh faced out of her fellowship, bold and overconfident and the best anyone had seen in a long time, but even she knew it wasn't going to work. But he was going to die either way and she had tried. God, she had tried.
Every surgeon inevitably suffers the loss that shakes them, fundamentally changes them, sticks to them like a scarlet letter for the rest of their life. Arizona's was Wallace. She would think about him every year on their shared birthday until she ran out of birthdays too.
Arizona rolled over in her bed and reached for the TV remote when the ending credits to Steel Magnolias permeated her dark room. She had been watching more and more of those sappy movies she hated since the night Callie had held her while she cried, almost a week ago now.
She had woken up the next morning mortified, one of Callie's arms still slung over her torso, and had slid out of bed and refused to acknowledge that the moment of weakness had happened at all. Callie let her. Callie always let her.
But she watched the sappy movies in secret, and she stopped preemptively googling the endings to spoil herself. She thought she might need to go back to banning them from her orbit permanently, though, because they were starting to give her weird dreams, ones she swore to never relay out loud.
In the dreams she'd never tell anyone, Callie would put her head in her lap. Arizona would braid her hair. Their clothes never came off and their hands never wandered and it was all so strikingly innocent. So innocent that it nauseated her when she woke from them, disoriented and vaguely disturbed by her subconscious and its ability to twist such a fleeting connection into something it wasn't. Something it would never be.
She wasn't stupid. Stubborn and a bit of a coward, but not stupid. She knew there was something there, however slight, but she knew herself well enough to know that whatever she felt wouldn't last. Arizona just didn't operate that way. She was a flight risk, always had been, and Callie was the most terrifying thing she'd ever encountered, simply because she'd unknowingly accomplished the one thing she had thought impossible: She'd made Arizona want to stay still.
She was excellent at compartmentalizing, at shoving her most uncomfortable thoughts and feelings into tiny boxes and leaving them packed away. She decided she could fit Callie into one of those boxes, let her collect dust on the top shelf until whatever lapse in sanity she was currently experiencing passed. Because it would pass.
She scrolled through the Recommended For You section on Netflix, cringing internally at the sheer number of sad romance movies that had accumulated there. Less than a week and she had already ruined her algorithm. She was reading the synopsis of A Walk to Remember when she heard it: a muffled banging in her living room. Three sharp raps at the door.
Blonde brows furrowed in confusion and she checked the time as she slipped out of bed. It was almost 10 PM, and she was still in her pajamas from the night before. Her hair was unkempt, a few strands knotted together at the ends.
Three more knocks.
Arizona huffed at the impatience and swung her door open with a frown, one that only deepened at the sight waiting for her.
Callie. Of course it was Callie. She had a small wrapped gift in one hand, a blue box of funfetti cake mix in the other. She smiled at her. "Hi."
Arizona felt her spine straighten without her permission. Her fingers tightened around the door frame. "I don't celebrate my birthday."
"I know."
"How? I've never told you that."
"Don't you realize I want to know everything about you? I have ways." She said it teasingly, but at Arizona's persistent silence, she sighed and gave in. "Mark told me. Can I come in?"
"I don't celebrate my birthday," she repeated flatly. "I don't want your presents."
"This," Callie held up the gift in her right hand, "is from your parents. Your mom asked me to get it to her baby. And this," she held up the cake mix in her left, "isn't for you." She shifted on her feet, looking nervous. "It's for Wallace."
Arizona's masked face finally fractured at the name, so subtly Callie almost missed it. "What?"
"We're baking Wallace a birthday cake. And you're gonna tell me all about him. I want to know about him."
Blue eyes blinked, and she stepped aside to let Callie in. "Why?"
"Because he sounds like he was a spectacular kid, and every kid deserves a birthday cake. Especially the spectacular ones."
Arizona followed her to the kitchen. She was quiet for a long time, leaning her elbows against her kitchen counter as she watched Callie flutter about, pulling out mixing bowls and measuring cups and whisks. "He was. Spectacular, I mean."
Callie was quiet, waiting for her to keep talking. She held out an egg to her. Arizona relented, joining Callie's side and cracking the egg into the bowl of batter.
"He was so smart, Callie. He wanted to be a doctor. He would have been brilliant." A sad smile ghosted over her lips at his memory. She cracked another egg. "He wasn't scared of anything. He was so outgoing. He'd go on rounds with me every morning. Wore tiny little scrubs and everything."
"That's adorable."
Arizona laughed under her breath as she flung eggshells into the trash can. "I'd help him with his math and science homework. He'd show me all of his favorite music and I'd pretend to like it."
"I bet he had better music taste than you."
Arizona narrowed her eyes, moving to the sink to wash the remnants of raw eggs off her hands. "Very funny."
"I try to be. I like your shirt, by the way."
Arizona glanced down, and she felt her cheeks warm when she realized she was wearing Callie's old University of Miami sweatshirt. "Shut up."
Callie just laughed, adding oil and water to the bowl. "That's not very nice, Dr. Robbins."
"I kind of hate you."
"Only kind of? That's an improvement, I'd say."
"I'd say you're a pain in my ass, but that's not very nice of me either."
"At least you get a free shirt and cake out of me. What do I get?" Callie teased. She was busy whisking the batter, and Arizona had to remind herself not to stare at her strong arms as the muscles flexed.
"Ummm," Arizona pursed her lips and pretended to think, turning so her lower back was resting against the counter. "Phenomenal sex? An awesome friend?"
Callie started to crane her neck, looking around the room as if in search of something. "Where's the awesome friend at?"
Arizona shoved her lightly and giggled. "I'm still working on that one. But you can't even try to deny the sex is phenomenal."
"Never have, never will." Callie shrugged and started to pour the batter into a cake pan. "I'm kidding, by the way. I do think you're a good friend."
"You do?"
Callie smiled. "I do."
Arizona smiled wider. "Good or awesome?"
"Don't push it," Callie breathed out through her laugh, leaning down to slide the cake into the oven.
They sat together at the bar in Arizona's kitchen, sharing a single slice of cake in comfortable silence. Arizona licked a glob of white frosting off her fork and scrunched her nose. "Did you get funfetti 'cause you remembered it was my favorite? Or because you like it?"
"I'd never, ever choose funfetti over chocolate. Ever."
"But you're eating it."
"Cake is cake," Callie laughed. "Even bad cake is good. Because it's cake."
"Funfetti is not bad cake," Arizona protested with her mouth full, offended. Callie laughed at her and she swallowed her bite before speaking again. "It's not. It's a classic."
"Whatever you say, Sprinkles." Callie chuckled. She reached for the wrapped gift from Arizona's mom, sliding it across the counter between them and towards the blonde. "You should open it."
"I don't want to."
"You can't avoid it forever. She's gonna ask you about it on the phone tomorrow."
"You're acting like you know her."
"Am I wrong?"
"No."
"The points make themselves. Open it, Arizona."
Arizona rolled her eyes and set her fork down, replacing it in her hands with the small present. She pulled at the sharp corners of the crisp wrapping paper and tore it open, acutely aware of Callie's eyes on her. A small velvet box was waiting for her, and she pried it open at the hinges to reveal a gold heart-shaped locket and a folded up piece of paper. She unfolded the note and read her mom's cursive writing.
Happy birthday, sweetie. Left one side empty for you to add a picture of your girlfriend. We love you! —Mom and Dad
Arizona swallowed and opened the small heart, and her eyes glazed over when she saw the picture on the left side. Her and Tim in a pumpkin patch when she was 3, faces painted like a shark and a tiger, Arizona hoisted up on his back with a toothy grin. She shut the locket and shoved it back in its box.
"That's really pretty."
"Yeah," her reply was terse, a little abrupt.
"Do you want me to put it on you?"
"No, that's okay."
Callie watched her sympathetically, like she wanted to say something. "Arizona…"
Desperate to distract her, to shut her up before she could ask whatever it was she wanted to ask, Arizona leaned in and kissed her suddenly, urgently. She could tell it surprised Callie by the way she froze instead of kissing her back.
Callie pulled away from her. "Arizona, what—"
"It's my birthday." Her hand slid into Callie's hair and her eyes pleaded with her. "It's the only thing I want. Please."
She watched Callie battle internally with herself, expressive brown eyes swimming with conflict and concern. She came to her decision unceremoniously, closing the gap to kiss her again, and Arizona melted into it as their bodies pressed against each other.
She tasted like vanilla frosting and she felt like solace.
Arizona was shaking the second time she came, ragged, whiny whimpers piercing the quiet of her room. She tightened around Callie's fingers and her back arched and she cried out for God and for Callie before her body went limp. The deafening rush of her heartbeat was all she could hear for several seconds, the erratic thrum of it in her ears turning her completely useless.
She sucked in sharp breaths, chest rising and falling, and laughed quietly when Callie collapsed, half on the mattress and half on top of her. Arizona's arms encircled her, fingers running up her spine as they recovered together.
Their bodies were pressed flush against one another, both naked and sweaty. Arizona's mouth fell to a collarbone and pressed a drowsy kiss there. Callie's hand pushed blonde hair out of her eyes for her.
This was the part where she was supposed to realize she was too close and pull away from Callie, turn her back, and pretend to go to sleep. But instead she drew mindless shapes on tan, warm skin with her fingertip, eyelids heavy as she listened to Callie's respiratory rate slowly even back out.
They shifted wordlessly. Callie slid all the way off of her; Arizona turned on her side. Callie's arms wrapped around her, tugged her in close. Arizona's heart hammered in her chest. They laid in silence for several minutes.
"Arizona," Callie finally broke it, her voice raspy.
"Don't." Arizona closed her eyes. "Please don't."
"I'm trying to be cool about this. I really am. But I'm trying to hold you, and I can feel every little thing about you."
"Callie," Arizona warned quietly, almost begging. "Don't."
"Why?"
"It's hard to explain. It's hard to talk about."
"Throw words out. I'll put them together."
Arizona swallowed. Her throat hurt. "I can't," she choked out. "If we do this, I'll become this weird, scary version of myself and you'll hate her. I just can't."
"I wouldn't hate her."
"You would."
"I couldn't hate you."
"You would, Callie." She sucked in a sharp breath, fingers tightening their grip on the arm that was wrapped around her midsection, nearly clinging to her. "Being a person doesn't come naturally to me the way it seems to for others. The way it seems to for you. I study people, I try to mimic them, but I just never—I never know how to be anything but this high strung wreck of nervous energy all of the time." She let her head fall back, tucking under Callie's chin.
"I feel like I'm dying when I stay in one place for too long. I just don't know how to stay. It's not what I do. And maybe that's from moving every 18 months, maybe I never learned to commit. I don't know. But I do know you'd hate her. You'd hate that version of me."
"Arizona—"
"And I think you're starting to matter to me, and I don't want you to hate me."
"Can't you just try—"
"Please," she begged. "It doesn't have to mean anything. We don't have to complicate it. Right now, I just… I want to be here with you. I want you to hold me on my birthday. We can just let it be that."
Callie's jaw clenched, determination slowly draining from her. "Alright."
"And only that."
"I got it, Arizona. We're friends."
"Okay." Her body relaxed a little and she stifled a yawn, exhausted. She snuggled into the blankets, into Callie. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
It didn't take long for Arizona to fall asleep, tucked in safe in Callie's arms. Her breathing slowed, and her legs twitched just slightly, and then she was still. Callie laid awake for what felt like well over an hour, just holding her. Her mind raced.
She wondered what could have been if they had met later in life. Maybe Arizona would have learned by then that there were always hands to hold, blankets to be draped over her sleeping body, soft places to land.
She wondered, too, what could have been if they had met earlier in life. Maybe then she'd understand why Arizona always needed to construct exit doors, throw temper tantrums when she felt cornered, prove she was unloveable in a one-sided war.
They were so fundamentally different. Arizona was all head, Callie was all heart. They were terrible at communicating and they bickered constantly. They would never work.
And yet Callie lay awake, entirely absorbed in contemplation of her.
She pressed a kiss into Arizona's hair, and she said the words for the first time all day, whispering them into the dark with no one to hear. "Happy birthday."
Callie let her eyes close, so terrified she was going to love something and lose it again.
They were out with their friends a little over a week later. Their friends, which still felt strange to say, because against all odds the two groups had gradually merged into one.
There weren't enough seats because 10 chairs was a lot to ask from a bar as small as Joe's on a busy Friday night. Arizona plopped down on Callie's lap with a giggle, keeping the beer in her hand upright, half drunk already. Her eyes watched Alex and Derek play a game of darts, but her attention was focused solely on the warm body behind her, the hands gripping her waist.
"Whatcha doing?"
"People watching."
Arizona could hear the smile in Callie's voice, and she craned her neck a little so she could see it. She smiled involuntarily at the sight of it. "Anyone interesting?"
She felt Callie's hands at her thighs, pulling her skirt down for her protectively. She took a sip of beer, and her line of vision followed the direction Callie nodded her head.
"That couple over there is arguing. I can't hear about what, so I like making it up."
"I love this game," Arizona said excitedly. "Do we think he cheated?"
"I think it might have been her. He looks pissed."
Arizona nodded her agreement. "He's very unfortunate looking when he's angry."
"Arizona!"
"What?"
"That was mean."
"Sorry," she giggled unapologetically. She shifted in Callie's lap, hooking her arm around her neck. "In my defense, I think most men are unfortunate looking."
They stayed like that for a long time, in the corner of the bar talking shit about everyone, exchanging jokes and quiet laughs. The flash of a camera brought them out of their bubble.
It was Lexie. "Say cheeeeeeese."
But they didn't have time to smile or to move and the photo captured them exactly the way they were, Arizona's hands on the back of Callie's neck as she perched in her lap, eyes locked on each other intimately. Lexie was gone before they could react, taking candid pictures of the rest of the group to remember the night by.
Arizona swallowed, suddenly aware of how close they were. "I'm gonna get another beer. Want anything?"
"A beer would be great."
Arizona slid off her lap and made her way to the bar, elbowing her way in next to where Teddy was engrossed in conversation with Cristina. The taller blonde smiled when she saw her. "There you are! I didn't think you'd pull yourself off your girlfriend all night."
Arizona rolled her eyes, signaling for two beers to the bartender. "It's not like that and you know it."
"Right. When's the last time you had sex with someone else again?" She quirked a brow. "Actually, scratch that, when's the last time you even looked at someone else?"
"We're friends with benefits. Convenience being one of those benefits." She leaned against the bar as she waited, narrowing her blue eyes up at Teddy in annoyance. "Why waste my time chasing other women when I can get it so easy?"
"You're so stubborn. You really think that's all there is between you? Convenience?"
"I know that's all there is." Arizona picked up the two bottles of beer as they were pushed to her, smiling kindly at the bartender in a silent thank you.
"So you wouldn't care if a tall, dark, and handsome man was hitting on her right now?"
Arizona's head whipped around before she could stop it, fists tightening around the cold bottles in her hands as she watched it happen. A nameless man, tall and strong with black hair, had sat next to Callie. They were talking. Callie was laughing. An unfamiliar feeling nagged at her, and she shoved it back in its box. She shot a tight smile at Teddy, trying to sound casual. "Of course I don't care."
She crossed the room and slid into the spot on the other side of Callie, setting her beer in front of her. Callie didn't seem to notice her appearance at first, until the man's eyes flickered to the space behind Callie curiously. The brunette turned and smiled softly.
"Hey. Thank you."
"Of course." Arizona sipped her drink, eyes looking expectantly at the stranger that had joined the table.
"Oh! Sorry. This is…" Callie trailed off, brows furrowing.
"Michael," the man laughed good-naturedly, and Arizona smiled and waved a little, trying to will her tense muscles into relaxing.
"Arizona."
"Nice to meet you. Cool name." His attention immediately turned back to Callie, the obvious object of his interests. "Care for a dance?"
Callie paused, and her gaze shot to Arizona for a fleeting moment, almost as if asking permission. Arizona plastered an encouraging smile on her face, shooing her away. "Go dance. I'll watch your drink."
Arizona watched as Michael held out his hand and helped Callie up. She watched as they made their way to the dance floor, as their bodies pressed close together in the crowd. She watched as they danced song after song, as Callie threw her head back and laughed, charmed by him. She watched as they left the bar together.
Callie didn't look back at her once.
Arizona pushed her empty beer away and picked up Callie's forgotten bottle, bringing it to her lips as she tried like hell to compartmentalize her feelings.
Thank God for tiny boxes.
Three weeks later, Arizona was on her hands and knees on Callie's bedroom floor.
Not in a sexy way. She was folding Callie's clothes and packing them into a small suitcase, preparing for their drive the following day up to the mountains. It worked out because Callie sucked at packing and Arizona had spent half her life packing up her belongings.
"Bring a swimsuit."
"Won't it be cold? You told me to pick out sweaters and a coat."
Arizona laughed under her breath. "The cabin will have a hot tub."
"Oh." Callie tossed a red bikini at her. "Is it weird I'm kinda excited to see your parents? I really liked them."
"Super weird," Arizona teased. She folded a soft sweater and tucked it into place in the suitcase, keeping her eyes on the task at hand when she spoke next. "Are you sure your boyfriend won't care that you're pretending to be someone else's girlfriend?"
"Arizona," Callie laughed, plopping down on her bed and leaning back on her hands. "He's not my boyfriend. We're just dating. It's fine."
5 dates, to be exact. Arizona hated that she knew it was 5 dates. It was 5 dates and that felt like an awful lot for only 3 weeks, in Arizona's opinion. Arizona pressed her lips together. "Do you like him?"
She already knew the answer. Their sex had slowed considerably, down to only once a week, and Arizona knew that could only mean one thing.
"I think so, yeah. He's very respectful, and he likes me."
"He better respect you. I'd kick his ass if he didn't." She looked up at Callie from her spot on the floor, offering a small smile as an olive branch. As if to say it's fine. We can talk about this. It's fine. "I grew up with a name like Arizona. I can fight dirty."
"Easy, guard dog. There's no need." Callie laughed and joined Arizona on the floor. She sat criss crossed, their knees touching. "You'd like him, I think. He's a vet. Saves puppies and kittens for a living. Can it get any sweeter than that?"
"I mean, I save human children for a living. But sure."
Callie rolled her eyes. "Arizona."
"What?"
"Go easy on him. Not everyone can be as perfect as you."
Arizona bit back her smile and folded a pair of Callie's pajama pants. "Is the sex good?"
Callie shot her a look, and Arizona tilted her head. "What?" She asked innocently. "We're friends. Friends talk about this sort of thing."
"Are you jealous?"
"What? No. I just want to make sure you're getting good sex somewhere. I'm looking out for you, really."
"So generous of you."
Arizona giggled and zipped up Callie's suitcase. She crawled across the carpet separating them until she was straddling her lap, hands resting on her shoulders. She had been missing the physical contact she had grown so accustomed to. "Do we need to stop this? For you and what's-his-name? Matthew?"
"You know his name. Michael."
"Whatever. Do we?"
"Do you want to stop?"
"You know I don't. But I also—" Her voice caught in her throat slightly, and she covered it by dipping her head down, pressing kisses into the nape of Callie's neck. "I also want you to be happy. I don't want to get in the way of that."
"You're not. You won't." Callie swallowed and tilted her head back, giving Arizona easier access to her neck. She moaned quietly as her lips ravished the sensitive skin there, squeezing Arizona's hips in her hands. "Nothing has to change for now. Until things get more serious. Okay?"
"Okay." Arizona pushed on Callie's shoulders until she was lying flat on her back on the carpet. She nipped at her ear, making the brunette beneath her jerk a little.
"We should—we should sleep. We've got a long day of traveling tomorrow."
"Shhh. Shut up," Arizona laughed breathlessly, and her lips finally pressed into Callie's in a rough kiss, claiming her, consuming her. She wanted to burn this image into Callie's mind, erase every thought that wasn't about her. Even if only temporarily.
When the kiss finally broke, Callie's voice was low and husky. "We have to wake up early." Even as she protested, she was pulling on Arizona's shirt, tugging it off her body.
"Shut up," Arizona repeated, reaching behind her back to unhook her bra. "We'll sleep. I just want to make you exhausted first."
A/N: trip next chapterrrr! what do y'all think is gonna happen?
thank you (so so so much, as always) for reading and for the kind comments. appreciate each one of you so much. hope you enjoyed this chapter and hope you're equally as excited for the next :) have an incredible weekend friends!