Setsuna's walk of shame only consisted of crossing the corridor but as soon as she had closed the door to SunTzu's quarters she flitted to her room as fast as lightning.
Not necessarily because she didn't want to be seen but because she needed to get distance between her and SunTzu. The heartbroken look in his eyes had stung into her very being. Once more she had hurted him, and that after they had made what was magic last night. Alone the fact how good and deep both had fallen asleep in each other's arms, and the beautiful dream she had, was another proof of what SunTzu very probably was to her.
But Setsuna just couldn't shake her trauma, her fear and her sorrow. She was too afraid to loose yet another man she loved to let herself fall for more than a few hours. And even that only because she couldn't take it anymore, he had done every- and anything right in the last few weeks. From taking care and making sure the Quartet wasn't heading straight into the War, to sending those flowers and to triggering that effect hundreds of years of missing minnesong had on her.
When she closed the door to her and Hotaru's quarters behind her, she leaned her back against the door, apparently Hotaru was still sleeping which was good.
And then first her gaze dropped before her head slumped down as well, followed by her shoulders and finally she slowly slided down on the door until she was sitting on her haunches, hands over her face.
"I love you." She whispered silently into the dark room, wishing she had the strength to not only tell it to SunTzu but to accept it for herself.
Around one hour later Hotaru woke up when her alarm rang. It had become quite late yesterday and after her mother and SunTzu had left they had played support for a few more karaoke songs before she, Haruka-Papa and Yuichiro had jammed a bit before going to bed.
Playing yesterday had been great but she felt a hinch of sadness for SunTzu, as well as guilt. What should have been a help for him had backfired so much that her mother didn't even wait for the end of the song. Sometimes Setsuna-Mama was an enigma even for her, she knew her more than enough to see that she liked SunTzu but Hotaru didn't understand why on the other side she always reacted so harshly and repellent. What was her problem?
Hotaru got up and went to the bathroom, good thing that they were supposed to be the whole day in hyperspace and so she could take it rather easy, just the regular training and exercise units for today.
As she entered the bathroom she recognized that her mother recently seemed to have taken a shower, her wet towel was hung up to try.
Strange, mom hadn't been home back then when Hotaru had come back to their quarters. Hotaru left the bathroom again and walked towards her mother's room.
She knocked on the door and entered.
"Mom, are you here?"
The room was empty.
That was strange, but maybe something in the med bay had come up and her mother had been working the whole night again, just took a shower and get back to work. Or she had dived headfirst into work because she wanted to have an excuse to get away from anyone, mostly SunTzu.
Hotaru sighed and shook her head before she walked back to the bathroom.
Setsuna had left their quarters a few minutes before Hotaru had woken up. She had taken a shower to wash away the traces of last night and although the part of her that was ruled by her trauma wished it also would wash away the memories of yesterday while the other part of her, the one loving SunTzu, the part still rejoicing with had happened between them, won. When she had finished the shower she even felt kind of sad that she couldn't smell his scent in her nostrils anymore.
And then the other part took over again, and the guilt hit again. She had hurted him, she had hurted herself and all because she had a weak moment.
Hades, in this moment she even felt guilt towards Rei, who was she to have sex with a man one of her best friends had once loved?
And this guilt crushed her, Setsuna had planned to head to the med bay, hide herself in her office and in work but half way out of the Senshi's quarters she turned around.
Rei was getting ready for work at this moment, she had various holo meetings to attend today and also she wanted to confirm that the numbers of refugees caused by the Shadow War reported to the Senate were the correct ones. Not one of the most enjoyable works, but only if the numbers were watertight the board of finances would agree for more financial support.
And she also had to read those reports about those new KDY-Star Destroyers the Imperials were building.
Suddenly it knocked on the door, and Rei, standing in front of the mirror in her bathroom leaned out the room and towards Yuichiro who was lightning incense for his morning prayer at the small house shrine they had in their quarter.
So much for a morning prayer, something the couple very much enjoyed in twosomeness both as priest and priestess as well as bound souls.
"Could you?" She asked him and he nodded wordlessly and got up to open the door.
"Good morning, Yuichiro-San. Is Rei here?" Setsuna shot Yuichiro a wry grin as he opened the door.
"I'm here. What's the matter, Sets?" Came out of the bathroom as Rei finished combing her long hair and then walked towards the door of her quarter.
Rei immediately noticed that something was wrong with Setsuna. "Yuichiro, would you be so kind and bring us three some tea from the mess, please?"
"Uh… yeah sure." The monk replied, a bit dumbfounded but willing to do as he was told.
Before he could leave, Rei pressed him a kiss on his cheeks. "You're the best." With a smile he left the room, nodded politely at Setsuna as he passed her and headed out towards the closest mess hall.
"Don't forget I'm your biggest fan, rockstar." Rei let him know as she watched him go and he turned around to smile at his love again, who in turn shot him a wink.
A moment later Rei turned to Setsuna. "What's wrong? Something happened in the med bay?"
"It's… can I come inside?"
"Yeah, sure, sorry." Rei made room for Setsuna to enter and then closed the door behind her friend and pointed to the arm chairs in the quarter.
"I think I rather want to stand."
Rei's eyebrows furrowed and she cocked her head slightly to the side.
Setsuna was standing stiff, one hand around the other's wrist, shoulders slightly slumped down. Definitely not her usual gracefulness.
"Rei, I have something to confess to you."
Instinctively Rei knew it, anyone could see their connection and chemistry, just Setsuna and SunTzu could not.
"SunTzu."
Setsuna tried to speak but then closed her mouth again and nodded.
"I slept with your ex-boyfriend." She finally pressed out, not able to look Rei in the eyes.
"Oh my gods, finally!" Rei swung her arms around Setsuna and hugged her before she put her hands on the elder Senshi's shoulders. "I want to hear all the details? Did he do THAT thing with his finger?"
Setsuna looked at Rei completely dumbfounded. "You are not mad? Or disappointed with me? Or us?"
"Sets, I've been telling since that night in Washington that you guys should get together."
Setsuna didn't move and Rei.
"I'm so happy you guys finally found together!" The younger woman smiled widely at her friend.
Setsuna didn't answer so Rei asked again after a moment, looking at her with a questioning look, head tilted.
"You two are officially a thing now, right?"
"I… can we maybe sit down after all?"
"Oh, yeah, sure. After you." Rei pointed at the chairs again and they sat down.
It took a moment in which Rei looked at Setsuna, the emerald-haired was completely off, but then Setsuna spoke.
"I left this morning in a hurry, the fear came back and with it the sorrow. And I just couldn't stay there with him anymore."
"Did SunTzu do or say something wrong?"
"No. No, it, the night, was ethereal. But I had this dream in which we raised Hotaru and when I woke up the memories of Soichi and of his passing came back. I cannot do this again, Rei. I cannot afford to loose the man I love again. And the chances are high."
"Setsuna." Rei stated sympathetically.
"I can't Rei. It's bad luck to have me around. I rather watch quietly over him, even if it's just from afar than to be the cause for his demise. I am causing him pain already, what if it will send him over to Chaos?"
Rei got up, walked to the chair Setsuna sat in and hunkered down in her front, laying an arm on the crossed hands of her friend. "Sets. You are anything but his demise, far from it instead. Back then I told you to safe his soul and with what he went through this last few months, you already are doing so. Can't you see that?"
Setsuna's sad gaze briefly met Rei's but then looked away again. "I wish I could let go, but the closer I get to him, the bigger the fear gets and I just have to run away from him. And to know whose descendant he is… I think I finally drove him off, he seemed to be so hurt when i left this morning. But I couldn't… if he would fall to Chaos…"
Rei nodded and gently squeezed Setsuna's hand. "I know this is incredibly hard for you. But Setsuna, you're one of the strongest woman that I know, the things you've been through... But don't let your happiness be dictated by your fear."
Setsuna looked at Rei again. "You are right. But it's so hard."
"I know, but if someone deserves happiness, then it's you. It's hard, but I know you can do it. And I'm sure SunTzu will understand and will give you all the time and space you need until you are ready, but please don't give up on this wonderful thing you two could be."
Setsuna looked down at Rei's hand in her lap, over her hands. And then she was the one who gently squeezed. A small smile appeared on her face. "Thank you, Rei-Chan."
"Nee-Chan, I'm happy if I can help you for once as well. Don't worry, TopGun might be a bit dense sometimes but he's head over heels for you."
In that moment it knocked on the door again.
"Rei? I got the tea, may I come in again?"
Rei looked up and then at Setsuna and both smiled. "Talking about loveable goofs."
Hotaru left the apartment and made her way to the nearest exercise area.
As she arrived there, in the belly of the Eternal, she was surprised to find SunTzu there, running in the small sports hall.
He was sweating profoundly and just had nodded at her when she came in, not stopping to run, track after track.
Hotaru, like him dressed in sports clothing, stretched her arms out as she walked into the room. "How long have you been here already?"
SunTzu was panting when he answered. "I've been running here since six thirty or so."
Hotaru's eyes widened, that meant he had been running for more than one hour already and it must have been more than boring yet alone exhausting. "Like just running in circles?"
"Guess I'm training for a marathon now." Was his only answer.
One and a half hours later, her superior had run for more than one hour more, the two pilots met again at the entrance to the officer's mess.
SunTzu had suggested to go there and although Hotaru noticed that something was very off with him, probably the harsh reaction of her mother had hurted him even more than she had thought, not even she could imagine that SunTzu wanted to get away as far as possible from the med bay. And Hotaru didn't know that it hurted SunTzu to see her. Her father had been a way better human being than he ever could be, in any regard, including winning Setsuna over.
SunTzu had heard about his story and how this man fought for his redemption after being freed from the influence of Chaos. There was a reason a hospital was named after him in Crystal Tokyo, as Dr. Tomoe had become a world leading expert in nano technologies in the medical sector. Thousands of people with vascular diseases, as well as neurological ones, owed him their lives. And SunTzu? The best he ever did was a gamble to avoid a further bloodshed between the Forces of Kataia and of Earth. And that only worked because Captain Pedaw and Major Harpas were honorable officers.
"Saturn to SunTzu are you there?"
SunTzu jolted up from brooding into his breakfast.
"I mean, it's milk but not even I would look that way at it." Hotaru commented how SunTzu looked into his bowl of cereal. Cereal because he thought the sugar of it would turn on his reward center but since ever the woman he loved had left his room in a hurry, everything had felt dull. Wordlessly he took his spoon and dipped it into the bowl of milk and cereal.
He had thought that maybe he could run away the pain and the disappointment but even with more than twenty kilometers in in the end, it didn't work.
"It's because of Mom, and yesterday night, right?"
SunTzu just shot the teenager a sad look before he continued swirling his spoon in his breakfast.
"I'm sure mom was just a bit thrown off her guard."
SunTzu looked up at Hotaru again, she shot him a small, empathetic smile.
And somehow SunTzu had to smile as well when seeing it. Hotaru was such a precious person.
"See, that wasn't so hard. And now eat, your breakfast, so we can get back to work, I'm sure Michiru-Mama is already waiting again."
"Since when are YOU giving the orders here, Lieutenant?"
Both began to laugh.
Around early afternoon, and after Maria had brought her some sandwiches from the closest dinning hall, because of course once more, she had forgotten to have lunch again while focusing on working with Master Cilghal, as well as alone, on the Bacta-Kolto-Gel, Setsuna had a short moment of clarity while she was typing down data and with one hand and eating with the other.
No matter how she would have left SunTzu's quarter, she would have worked like a maniac. No matter if to forget, to find clarity or because she felt so good and inspired.
While finishing her sandwich and then licking her fingers to get the crumbs, Setsuna also had the idea that she and Ami maybe should open a self-help group. Eating like that wasn't healthy.
And then it happened again, just thinking about things not healthy brought her back to thinking about SunTzu. Somehow, maybe it was the joy of the progress of enhancing the formula of the life-saving gel, the side in her which was able to give in to SunTzu had gained the upper hand right now and she caught her mind drifting off in the lust- and blissful memories of their night.
The gazes of love and passion, the kisses, the gentle one and the ones full of relish, the touches, and oh yes, she wouldn't have minded if every night would be like that. His scent, the warmth of his touch, the way he had felt inside her.
As she noticed what she was thinking about she shook her head to clear her mind, almost blushing. No, she couldn't, not before she could be sure he wouldn't fall. Ahh, who was she kidding, probably not even then she would be able to let go. Setsuna closed her eyes and let out a big sigh, maybe it was better to get back to work to at least occupy her mind with something not breaking her apart from the inside.
In the afternoon the command of the Taskforce had gathered in the Control Center once more.
SunTzu sat in the back again, next to Haruka and Minako.
He had been sitting there for a few minutes already, before Setsuna had appeared, and to his, and probably everyone's else surprise, she almost came too late, rushing in, a minute before the briefing began.
She sat down in the front, where a place was available.
SunTzu noticed that she was dressed extra cagey today, it wasn't necessarily cold onboard the Eternal, it never was, but Setsuna was wearing a high neck sweater.
A moment after she had sat down she had looked around and when she scried SunTzu she immediately turned to the front again, pressing her lips together.
SunTzu's had been sitting up straight, excited to see her, hoping to get any sign from her that she was regretting her hasty escape this morning but the reaction instantly made his shoulders and head slump down, she really seemed to regret the last night.
Minako noticed SunTzu's sudden sad demeanor and this together with Setsuna closing herself more or less away with work, awakened her curiosity, and she couldn't help but to feel sympathy for SunTzu, apparently his singing yesterday had backfired even worse than they all had thought.
But before she could ask, Artemis began the briefing.
The Eternal, the Far Side and the Starstruck would soon meet up with the Pride of the Kataia and then the four ships would continue their way up further to the Northeastern Outer Rim to meet with units of the Fifth Fleet, along them the Anakin Solo, and then start the attack on Saleucami. Artemis also mentioned that the Kingdom was in negotiations with other nations on Terra to sent reinforcements for the offensive, which was the reason both the Moon's Bounty and the Moon's Benefit hadn't left Earth yet. If those negotiations would be successful was unclear at that moment but any kind of reinforcements would have been very welcomed, as Saleucami always had proven to be a dangerous and devastating battleground, from the Clone Wars to the Yuuzhan Vong War.
The system, valuable for its shipyards and as tradehub, had been heavily fortified by the enemy, mostly former CIS-Forces and reconnaissance reported thousands of droid starfighters in the system.
"Fuckers can't come up with anything new but masses of suicide drones." Haruka commented and SunTzu nodded.
Heartbreak had made way for professionalism, Saleucami seemed to be a very risky working environment for starfighters.
As if automatically SunTzu's gaze fell onto Hotaru, sitting in front of him between Michiru and Rei. Not an environment he wanted to have her in, she was one hell of a pilot and had saved them and the Taskforce several times with her flying, she had even saved the rest of Bel Iblis Fleet back at Fondor, but he wanted to have her save on the Eternal or at least not directly at the front.
And SunTzu apparently wasn't the only one thinking the same as three other heads turned to the teenager, who did not noticed that because she was too busy making notes.
Shortly after the briefing SunTzu was sitting in the closest mess, his usual quiet place a bit aside on the wall of the room, a cup of coffee in front of him and his gaze fixed onto nothing.
Apart from the chaos caused in his head and heart by Setsuna, breaking his head how he could find a decent way to have Hotaru away from the heaviest fighting in the upcoming battles and to top all of it, it was his turn to procure enough ammunition for AICA and the Voyager for the battle, which meant a ton of paperwork. And in the amounts that the trio of pilots wanted also a lot of persuasiveness up the chain of command.
One could have thought as Special Task Force, under direct command from the top brass of the Galactic Alliance, supplies would have been plenty but the situation had even gotten more dire after the loss of Fondor and the destruction of the weapons and ammo manufacturing industry of Ishde Naha and other places, so it was really hard to procure enough ammunition and ordnance to use it lavishly.
SunTzu sighed and then took a large sip of his coffee, well aware that it probably would enhance the headache that was setting in right now.
Suddenly someone sat down at the chair opposite of him and he almost choked on the coffee when he saw who it was.
"I… I need to talk to you." Setsuna put a cup of tea on the table, her face showing her sincerity although it wasn't quite the austerity he was used from the Ice Queen.
SunTzu swallowed the last of his coffee down, trying not to cough.
He was sure that was it, what he had expected yesterday evening, her telling him to stop trying to make her fall for him, would happen now. It stung even more than yesterday, now that he knew how perfect her beauty really was, how addicting her touches and kisses were and how bright her passion could burn, not to speak from the peace of mind he had found in her arms. How could he not love her with all he was after last night?
She truly held power over time and space as with one sentence she made SunTzu feel like he had aged decades. At least yesterday it would have been in private that she dismissed his love but now, in front of all this people? She sure seemed to have enough of him.
"First of all I have to apologize for my sudden departure this morning. I didn't want to hurt you."
Oh, I'm pretty sure you're about to hurt me now, so…
"The pain to have lost men that I loved with all my being runs deep. Very deep. It's hindering me to find new love." She cleared her throat and when she spoke then her voice was lower. "Hindering me to fall for you."
SunTzu sounded tired when he chimed in.
"Can we cut this short? Just tell me to stop, to make a wide berth around you, and just be friends or comrades or whatever."
SunTzu's words hit the mark and he could see how Setsuna's austere look on her face broke up and gave way for pain while she enforced the grip on her cup.
"SunTzu…"
"No… I understand. I'm not…"
SunTzu was about to get up when her gaze met his eyes, there was the same fire in them as yesterday when she kissed him.
"That's not… you are… I have strong feelings for you. Very strong. You are a great person and I adore the fact that you are growing into an even better person. But it's hard for me. The fear, this trauma… it's paralyzing me, making me want to run away."
SunTzu had stayed put and was looking at Setsuna, his insides wretched by seeing how hard it was for her.
"I will need time, and space, and I know it's not easy but after yesterday night… SunTzu, I told you this already, but I mean it more than ever. Please don't stop your courting for me. Please… don't give up on me."
When she saw SunTzu, now the one looking severe, Setsuna twitched internally.
"Setsuna… I… How could I stop? Especially after last night? I want to make you mine, there's nothing in this Galaxy that I want more. And if you need your time so be it. Just don't, don't make me get my hopes up for nothing." She could feel his vulnerability in the last sentence.
Just like she had immense fear to let go and fall for him, he had fear that she would never fall for him and he would be devastated instead. They were so similar and if it wouldn't have been that they were in public, okay, who was she kidding mainly for her fear, she would have kissed him here and now again.
"I promise, if you can wait, if you have the patience, and the trust in me, I'll do my very best to overcome my trauma."
Both shot each other a small, wry grin.
And then Setsuna spotted someone entering the mess and she turned to SunTzu again, she seemed to be exhilarated now.
"I know it's a bad moment for this but Hotaru just entered the mess. That's something I wanted to talk about with you as well."
"Hotaru? What about her?"
"I saw you looking at her in the briefing, and I think we thought the same. I know how hard this battle is going to be and I rather have her safe in the back of the fleet than at the frontline. I do respect her wish to do her part, she is a great pilot and skilled warrior, but I fear for her and although I understand she has to go her own way and I cannot always be at her side, I know how reckless she can be while flying."
SunTzu looked at Setsuna for a moment, she was feeling the same as he was. None of them wanted to take anything away from her but they still wanted to see her safe.
"Hotaru's safety is the most important thing." SunTzu said and Setsuna affirmed it with a nod.
"Any ideas about that?" Setsuna asked.
Just in that moment the adoptive daughter/ protégé appeared at the table, also a cup in her hand, probably coffee as black as her hair.
"Any ideas about what, mom?" Hotaru asked as she pulled a chair away from the closest table nearby and sat down at the tablet her mother and superior were sitting on.
"Me and your mother were talking about something in private, Firefly."
"Oh… really? What was that about? Was it about what's going on between you two?" Hotaru's finger moved back and forth the two adults.
"Hotaru, that is really…" Setsuna began to speak but was interrupted by her curious daughter almost immediately.
"How come you weren't at our quarters when I got home last night, Mom? And SunTzu disappeared shortly after you."
In that moment SunTzu had a flash of wit, Hotaru just had given him a through pass.
He cleared his throat and then looked at Setsuna with a strict face.
"With all due respect since it's your daughter Lieutenant Colonel, but I think the Lieutenant needs to learn a lesson or two in discretion."
Hotaru's dumbfounded face slowly turned to SunTzu.
"Unfortunately, and I do have to apologize for her, I think you are right Captain. I assume you already have a disciplinary measure in mind?"
Now Hotaru looked at her mother, her face still dumbfounded, while both adults looked at each other firmly.
"Affirmative Ma'am. I think it would be the best measure that for the length of the next operation First Lieutenant Meiou is restricted to use the Artifical Intelligence Controlled A-Wing and is only prohibited to light combat duty to have time to think about her misbehaving and neglect of ranks."
"Approved." Setsuna turned to Hotaru. "Lieutenant, as highest ranking officer in the room I approve of your immediate superior's suggestion for disciplinary measures. Any objections?"
Hotaru's jaw worked but she then decided to not disagree to not make it even worse for her.
"No Ma'am, I do understand about my misbehavior and accept the measures."
"Very good. And now you will head to Commander Jordan and tell him the news. If he has any questions tell him to contact me."
"Yes Ma'am." Hotaru stood up, took her cup and walked off.
What Setsuna and SunTzu didn't see, was the large smile on her face on the way out. Hotaru had very well understood what just had happened. And that these two already worked as one when it came to her education meant that they were already closer with each other than probably both of them knew. Or her mother accepted.
The punishment was hard but she could stand it, after all she always had a royal Get-Out-Of-Parental-Jail-Card she could play.
"That was brilliant." Setsuna turned from watching Hotaru leave back to SunTzu.
"I do have my light moments." SunTzu smiled softly at her.
She smiled back but then something crossed her mind and her facial expression got sad.
"There's also another thing regarding Hotaru, I want you to know."
"What would that be?" SunTzu asked, worry in his voice.
"I never really told Hotaru about Soichi and me. So, if you could…"
"My mouth is shut."
Her faint but honest, and beautiful, smile was all the reward SunTzu ever needed.
Setsuna stood up and SunTzu looked up at her, she closed her eyes briefly and shrugged.
"Not that I don't enjoy your company thoroughly but I better make sure someone is not making a detour to the Royal Quarters to get a reprieve from the princess."
SunTzu had to smile at that but his body froze when he suddenly felt her fingers gently glide over his.
Setsuna had to briefly fight the urge to kiss him again, at least until her fear kicked in again, but nonetheless she was happy they had talked. And beyond happy and grateful for his words, that he would wait. That meant so much.
And the way he froze from her touch was so adorable, this feeling was what Michiru meant what was that great feeling when she made Haruka dumbfounded in the right moment. Or what Rei had told her about SunTzu and moments like these they had shared together.
She couldn't help but to giggle, Rei really had been right about SunTzu looking like a lost puppy.
"Rei had been right, it's your puppy eyes."
"What do you mean? And what did Rei tell you? Did you tell Rei about us?"
His reaction made it even more cute, and for a moment just his dumbfoundness overwhelmed her fear, she couldn't help but to giggle again, using her hand to hide it. And she couldn't help but to tease him.
"Of course, after all we are very good friends."
His slightly annoyed look now almost made her burst out into laughter and she really had to force herself to not do that. She really needed to go, because either Hotaru would not get removed from the frontline or she would take his hand and lead them back to his room again, and she couldn't quite allow herself this already again without falling into another fit of panic like this morning.
"Sorry, I really have to go after Hotaru now." Setsuna said and grabbed her mug before she turned around and walked off, leaving SunTzu alone on the table, still looking dumbfounded.
SunTzu was still looking at her in quite the indignation when she turned around again.
"Don't forget you still owe me a dinner." She said with a mischief seldom for her in her voice and then was gone.
SunTzu thanked god that she didn't accompany it with a wink because he probably would have jumped up, grabbed her and carried her back to his room.
He was smiling thoroughly as he put his cup up to drink.