"You do seem quite well. Have you been getting plenty of rest?" The doctor looked into her eyes with his light, as she looked ahead. She thought about the days she had spent endlessly running around with the children, and the nights she spent in their father's arms.
"Yes." She lied, but it didn't matter much to her. The ringing in her ears and long stopped, and she hadn't been plagued with headaches anymore. She knew in her heart that she was fine before she even saw the doctor, but of course Georg wouldn't take no for an answer.
"Good, that's what I wanted to hear. Use your prior condition as an excuse to take things easy still, just for a bit. It never hurts to relax." She smiled as he winked to her, writing down something on his clipboard as he stepped away.
Georg had insisted she go to his family doctor as a follow up for her concussion. She didn't push back too much, as she knew it likely was a good idea. It was annoying how right he was about things all the time, she thought with a smile. In reality, it felt nice to have someone care about her enough to push her into going to the doctor as he had. He had even offered to go with her, but they decided that it wouldn't look right to others if he did. She didn't mind though, it was only a simple checkup, after all.
The doctor gathered his things and prepared to take his leave, and her heart began to pound in her chest. Her conversation with Georg regarding the risks they were taking, and her fears of pregnancy, was replaying quite often in her mind. She wondered what the reaction would be if she asked about forms of birth control. She had never once thought about asking for such a thing, but she wanted to take some control of her life. She wasn't willing to give up her time with Georg, even though she knew the risks involved, because she knew there were other ways where she didn't have to.
"Is there anything else I can do for you, Baroness?" She felt her heart beat faster, and she found herself incredibly embarrassed to say the words, so she simply allowed them loose to flow how they may.
"Yes, I would like to ask about contraceptives." He smiled, clearly aware of her nerves about the subject. Her voice was a bit louder than necessary.
"Alright, what would you like to know?"
"My options, I suppose." She only knew that she didn't need to fall pregnant, she didn't necessarily think past that.
"There is only one certain way to prevent pregnancy." He smiled a bit, but she didn't find him overly amusing. She wasn't sure if he knew anything about her personal life, as it was difficult to determine how quickly the gossip had spread from Vienna, but his words rubbed her the wrong way.
"I am a married woman."
"Then I suggest you come back whenever your husband is with you, and we can go from there." He patted her hands that were clasped atop her lap and began to leave the room, opening the door just a bit.
"Excuse me, Doctor." She called after him, quite perturbed that he wasn't taking her seriously in the slightest. He turned to face her once more, smiling through his obvious annoyance of her pushy nature.
"I mean no disrespect, Baroness, but I will not be able to discuss contraceptives without your husband's permission."
"You have to be joking!" The words flew from her lips before she could stop them, and her face burned red as his eyes widened. "I apologize, I didn't mean to be rude."
"Come back when you have your husband with you. Good day." He nodded and quickly left the room before she could interrupt him once again. She sighed, quite annoyed that any man thought he had the right to make decisions about her body. It was disgraceful! Had she wanted a man to control her every move, she would have stayed with Otto. If a man could become pregnant, she was certain they would be singing a different tune, she fumed as she stepped off the table and collected her things. She was just about to open the door and leave when a nurse rushed in, clearly attempting to be sneaky about it.
"Name?"
"What?"
"Verify your name, please." She shook her head in confusion.
"Maria. What is…?"
"Perfect, here, take this." She accepted a small bag from the nurse as she shoved it into her hands. "There are two items, a sponge and a cup. Insert one or the other into your vagina up to a few hours before…"
"Excuse me?" Her face had to be the most red it had ever been.
"Push it all the way up…"
"I'm sorry, what are we talking about?"
"You asked about contraceptives?"
"Well, I…yes, but…"
"I wrote down instructions for each, just in case you are unsure. I did not give you these items, you understand?" She looked at her with pure confusion in her eyes. "I heard you asking as I walked past. Do you understand all I've said?"
"Yes…but why?"
"I have ten children, Baroness." She tried not to look shocked, but was certain it still showed upon her face. The nurse gave her a gentle smile. "Put that bag in your purse, and pretend we never had this conversation."
She nodded as the nurse hurriedly left the room. She could not have been more confused by the interaction, but she supposed it was one woman looking out for another, and she shoved the bag in her purse. She had no idea what either of the items were that were given to her, but she found herself quite intrigued to return home and investigate. Not to mention the fact that she was quite grateful for the kind stranger.
xxxxx
She smiled as she accepted hugs from the sisters at the abbey, many of them noticing her as she entered the gate and rushing to greet her. She could not have felt more loved by them all, she was certain, which was a vast improvement from how they used to feel about her. Even Sister Berthe seemed happy to see her, and she immediately felt that something in the universe had shifted. Perhaps she hadn't belonged there as a nun, but she certainly felt she was still a part of their family.
She arrived unannounced, so she waited outside Mother Abbess's office and chatted with Sister Margaretta about the charity work the sisters had been doing, as well as the garden she used to help maintain. Every time the nun tried to turn the conversation to her own life, she simply answered vaguely and turned it all back around again. She was a bit proud of the conversational abilities she had gained during her time in Vienna, as she could easily avoid any topic she didn't feel like discussing. She supposed the skill was what kept everyone in high society so secretive, she wasn't sure.
She thought briefly about going to confession while she waited, but she was a bit afraid to do so. She talked to God many times every single day, confessing anything and everything to him, so she wasn't exactly sure why telling her secrets to a priest would have somehow made everything better. No amount of Hail Mary's we're going to fix her transgressions, she was certain. Suddenly, she jumped as the door opened and a new postulant was led out of the office with a smile upon her face. Maria returned her smile, silently wishing her all the luck in the world on her new path.
"Maria, welcome! To what do I owe this pleasure?" Mother Abbess smiled delightedly as she pulled her into a hug, and Maria felt tears welling in her eyes at the complete love and acceptance flowing from the only real motherly figure she ever had. Part of her wanted to simply pretend she didn't need guidance and simply sit for a chat. Unfortunately, she knew she would need strong support from a woman in her position with the church if her husband contested their divorce, which she had no doubt he would.
"I do wish I were only visiting for pleasure. It feels so good to see your face."
"Is something troubling you?" She led her former postulant into her office and closed the door, motioning for her to sit upon the chair in front of her desk. Instead of sitting behind the desk, Maria was surprised that she took the seat next to her. She must have sensed just how troubled she really was.
"Can we start with me asking how you've been? Sister Margaretta was just telling me about all of the charity work the Abbey has been doing lately." The older woman smiled, knowing how difficult it had always been for Maria to open herself and discuss sensitive topics, so she was happy to indulge her.
"Oh, yes. We've been working with the new orphanage in town, teaching the children tasks and leading them in Bible studies. It has been lovely to see how much they're learning, how much they smile." She couldn't stop smiling herself at how peaceful and wonderful the work they were doing sounded. She would have loved to be able to help with such a thing…she wondered if maybe they would allow her to, if she would be staying in Salzburg indefinitely. She supposed it had a more to do with her reputation than anything, as she was certain the nuns at the Abbey wouldn't want an adulteress spending her time with them.
"I am so happy to hear that, Mother. You are all doing such amazing work for the Lord."
"He led us to them in the most beautiful way. Sister Margaretta stumbled upon two children lost in the rain, and she helped them back home. I suppose the rest simply fell into place." The older woman could not stop smiling at the memory, so pleased to be able to be doing something good for the young people who needed it the most.
"I could not be more excited for the work you're doing. If there's ever anything I could do to help, please let me know."
"We would never abuse our friendship and ask you for money, Maria…" Her eyes widened, as she hadn't meant to imply such a thing.
"Oh no, I don't mean that at all. I mean, yes, if that's what you need, but I meant with my time. I would love to be of help, if there's any way I can." Mother Abbess smiled, as if she suddenly remembered who she was talking to. She wondered if the woman had assumed that her change in lifestyle had changed who she was on the inside. As much as she was sure her husband had tried, she didn't feel she had changed one bit, not really.
"I am pleased to hear that. Will you write down your phone number before you leave today?" She smiled, readjusting herself in the chair.
"You already have it, actually. I'm living with the Von Trapp family." Her eyes widened, as if she obviously wasn't sure where to begin. Of course she didn't, there had to be so many questions running through her head.
"With the family, or with the Captain?" She bit her lip, shrugging as she knew she just needed to come out with it.
"I suppose you know, if you're asking." She looked into her eyes with a bit of desperation behind her own. Of course she didn't want her to see her in such a light.
"Well…I collect that may have something to do with why you're visiting then."
"Yes." She tried to begin many times, but found that she couldn't quite find her words. She had no idea how on earth she was supposed to reveal her sinful and illicit life choices to a woman of God, let alone ask for her support. Mother Abbess sighed, meeting Maria's eyes with disdain in her own.
"Maria?"
"I've filed for divorce." She frowned, looking to her hands as she clutched her dress from nerves.
"The last time we spoke, you were going to stop this foolishness and recommit yourself to your husband." She quickly met the older woman's eyes, stunned by her authoritative tone.
"The last time we spoke he hadn't…" She stopped, scoffing at herself at how difficult she suddenly found it to speak. "I had every intention of fulfilling my commitment to him. Mother, this is not the woman I want to be."
"Your affair clearly hasn't ended then."
"I tried…I left and meant for it to stop, but…I love him. I love him with every single bit of my heart, and I can't stop. I've made terrible decisions in my life, but now I need to do everything I can to set it right." She sighed, shaking her head as she stood and put some distance between them. "He hit me again…he was incredibly violent to me, and Georg came to my side…I don't expect you to understand."
"I do understand, Maria." It took her a moment to comprehend the words before she turned and met her eyes in confusion. Brow furrowed, she leaned against the desk behind her, quite surprised by any form of understanding. She didn't even understand herself sometimes. A tear escaped her eye, and she quickly wiped it away.
"I'm sorry, I didn't expect any understanding at all."
"Perhaps it is me who should be apologizing to you." She shook her head, and the older woman stood to take her hands in her own, meeting her eyes directly. "I am the one who made the arrangement for your marriage, after all."
"Oh, Mother, no. None of this is your fault. How could it be?"
"You needed time to heal from your feelings. I feel so guilty for pushing you in the direction of marriage. If I hadn't…"
"Oh no, please don't feel that way. It was all my own doing, no matter how it came about. You were only doing what you could to protect me. I'm the one who made a mess of it all. I've always been quite impulsive, you know." Mother Abbess smiled, giving a small laugh at how much of an understatement it was. Maria had to laugh a bit as well, and they shared a gentle smile.
"Have you been to confession?"
"You don't think I would be turned away? Or perhaps the confessional would burst into flames?" She was given a look of warning, and she shook her head with a small smile. "I'm sorry, I haven't been able to go. I talk to God constantly, apologizing, praying for direction or a sign, anything, but I can't imagine He isn't disgusted by me."
"God will never be disgusted by you, Maria. He loves you and wants you to be happy, but He also prefers that you do it in the right way, the way that doesn't harm others. God knows your heart even better than you." She wondered how much she was truly harming her husband, and she had to stop herself from a bitter response. "But you didn't come here today just to tell me your secrets, did you?"
"No, I didn't." The Reverend Mother motioned for her to sit once again, and she obeyed, the older woman following to sit once more as well. "My lawyer, or rather Georg's lawyer, suggested that I have someone of influence on my side if Otto contests the divorce, which I have every belief that he will."
"Someone of influence…" She shook her head, unable to finish.
"I don't mean to put you in a position to make it look like you agree with my decisions. I'm only asking you to speak to the kind of person I am in my heart. There aren't many who know me well enough to do so, but I believe you do after all these years." Mother Abbess sighed, brow furrowed as she thought. She knew she was asking a lot of her, more than she had ever asked of anyone in her life, she was certain. She felt a bit filthy or even asking such a thing.
"You think I'm someone of influence?"
"Yes…"
"As if me speaking on your behalf shows others that God condones your divorce?" She felt panic in her heart, as she never meant for her to take offense to the request.
"No, I know He wouldn't. Mother, I'm so sorry for not having the correct words right now."
"Maria…" She sighed, unable to finish speaking as she gathered her thoughts. Maria squeezed her hands in her lap, wishing for nothing more than to melt away in that moment. Silence enveloped the room, and she could suddenly hear her blood pumping in her ears.
"I think I should go." She quickly stood, smoothing her dress as she began to make her way toward the door. "I am terribly sorry for barging in, and even more sorry for asking so much of you."
"Don't leave yet, my child." She stopped walking, but couldn't bring herself to turn around. She could feel the woman standing and approaching her slowly from behind, and she nearly jumped when a warm hand touched her back.
"You've been the only mother I've ever known. You mean so much to me. I'm so sorry to have made you feel…"
"Maria, do you remember the day we first met?" She turned to face her, nodding in response.
"I nearly begged you to take me in." The older woman smiled, remembering that day very well.
"You had a black eye and bruises all over your body…you had just run away from home. I had never met anyone more grateful for even a cup of water, let alone a place to stay." Maria nodded, feeling even more vulnerable at the recollection of her first day at the abbey. She had returned to her uncle's home after graduating from teachers college to find him drunk and more than angry with her for leaving.
"I was quite the mess."
"You were running to safety when your life had become too much to bear. It took a lot of bravery to do what you did." She wasn't sure about that, as she had always felt cowardly every time she ran away from something or someone in her life. "And you've run to your safety once again. How can I blame you for it?"
"What do you…" She felt confused, but only for a moment before she realized that Georg was the safety she was referring to. Of course he was, she had never felt more safe than she did in his arms.
"You are correct that I know you very well indeed. I will never be able to condone the life you're living today, but I will always be able to speak to the kind of person you are. You are so much more than the life you're living."
"Revered Mother, I truly appreciate everything you've ever done for me, every moment I've been lucky enough to spend with you." She smiled, and they quickly shared an embrace. "How will I ever thank you?"
"Be sure to stop by the confessional on your way out."