Chapter 30: In which fossils reconvene
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AN: Hello all. I know this isn't what you were expecting, but I thought you all deserved some wholesomeness after the last few chapters, especially with my plans for Weirdmaggedon. Luigi, you should be very afraid.
I debated posting a short chapter for April Fool's day saying I was quitting the fic, but I thought that was too mean. So I told the discord I was abandoning the fic and switching over to writing Pinecest LoL. I actually tricked a couple members, but stopped the joke pretty quick when they thought I was serious.
Thanks to Sora for Beta'ing.
Discord: eSSP2 GtYQS
No trigger warnings this time! Hooray!
(Author)
[Sora]
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Ford woke up early the next day. Ever since he had started hopping dimensions, Ford had learned how to minimize sleep, especially as a number of dimensions were… unsafe to sleep in. Meeting Tubbo had helped, as one could sleep while the other kept watch. Still, there would be times when sleep would become a foreign concept.
Ford yawns, cracking his back and riding up the elevator to get some coffee. Ford had spent the previous night containing any issues from the portal, and while he was excited to see dinosaurs, he wasn't entirely awake. Ford rustles around in the kitchen and finishes the coffee when he senses someone watching him. Ford whips around, reaching for his gun, before he recognizes the figure in the doorway.
"Oh, it's just you." Stan grumbles, leaning against the doorway in his white t-shirt and underwear. "I heard something moving around, and thought it mighta been one of the kids."
"Good morning Stanley." Ford greets, ignoring Stan's comments about it being far too early for the morning to be good. "I was just about to leave, look at those dinosaurs. Would uh… would you like to come adventuring with me?"
Stan looks at Ford for a long second before he slowly nods. "Sure." Stan nods. "Why not? I'm awake anyways."
"You don't have to if you don't want to." Ford offers reassuringly. "If you'd rather go back to bed-"
"Eh, it's not like I'll be able to go back to sleep anyways." Stan interrupts.
Ford pours Stan and himself a cup of coffee before they split up to grab supplies. Ford grabs journal 3, several scientific instruments, snacks, water, extra clothes, and a half dozen other things that you would only think to bring if you've gone adventuring before. Stan just puts on some clothes and grabs his brass knuckles.
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The twins set off towards the old church, an uncomfortable silence falling between them. Neither wants to break the silence, nor do they want the silence to continue. Both of them are hoping the other will start the conversation, so they are three-quarters of the way to the church before Ford clears his throat.
"Hey, Stanley?"
"Yeah?"
"I, uh, I wanted to talk about something with you." Ford admits awkwardly.
"Shoot." Stan says, gesturing for Ford to continue.
"Last night, I don't think I was clear-"
"You were perfectly clear." Stan interrupts. "You want me gone."
"No, Stan." Ford reassures. "I-"
"Thank you for bringing me back, now get the hell away from me." Stan says in an imitation of Ford's voice.
"Damn it Stan, I want to adventure with you!" Ford yells, shocking Stan into silence. "Last night, I wanted you to shut down the Mystery Shack for two reasons. First: nobody will take research done at a tourist trap seriously. Second: I want to go on those adventures we talked about when we were young, but I'm too old to go it alone."
"Really?" Stan asks softly, hope filling his voice.
"Really." Ford promises.
"Alright." Stan agrees, rain hitting his face despite it being a sunny day. (he crying). "I'll come make sure you don't get into too much trouble."
Ford scoffs. "As if I was the trouble-maker."
"Once you get an idea in your head, pointdexter, you won't let it go." Stan teases.
[love them having better bonding, canon felt too little too late, y'know?]
Ford smiles before sobering. "Stan, do you remember the danger I wanted to tell you about last night?" Stan nods, his face settling into grim lines, ready to fight any threat to his family. "I had reached a block in my research, and found a painting in a cave telling of a being who had answers, but also told me not to summon it."
Stan sighs. "Lemme guess: you summoned this being."
"Yep." Ford says, popping the p. "He is Bill Cipher, a being older than our world. He is stuck in the mindscape, but if he were ever to gain physical form, say, through a portal…" Ford watches as Stan's eyes widen in understanding. "He could possess unlimited power. He has been attempting to break into our reality for… forever, I suppose. I don't actually have an initial date. He posed himself as my friend, as a muse. I hope he is distracted elsewhere, but I wanted to warn you"
"Thanks." Stan nods. "Any idea what this Will guy's weaknesses are?"
"Bill, Stanley." Ford corrects. "And no, I don't know any of his weaknesses."
"Darn." Stan grumbles. "I guess if he ever shows up, I'll just have to give him the ol' one-two."
"He is a being that exists exclusively in the mind. If he did gain a physical form, he would be practically unstoppable." Ford clarifies, hoping to impart some knowledge on Stan.
"The ol' one-two." Stan nods to himself as Ford massages his forehead.
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The elder Pines twins arrive at the old church shortly, and Stan ties a rope next to a hole leading into the caves. After double checking the strength of the rope, the brothers descend.
"So, what species of Dinosaur did you see?" Ford asks excitedly from below Stan.
"Uh… it was terror-something…" Stan says, trying to remember. I punched it in the face, repeatedly."
"You punched a dinosaur!" Ford squeaks in offense at the thought of such a unique find being hurt before sighing and shaking his head. "Only you, Stanley, only you."
"What?" Stan protests.
Ford shakes his head. "Only you would punch a dinosaur."
"It was me or him, Ford." Stan says. "Me or him."
The brothers reach the ground, and begin wandering into the mines. "A terror-dinosaur… was it a Tarbosaurus?" Ford asks his brother.
"No, it was… the terror-something, and it could fly."
"A Pterodactyl?"
"Yeah, that's the name!" Stan snaps his fingers and points vaguely forwards. "I also saw a… stephoscopeus, a long-necked bipedal, and a T-rex."
"A stephoscopeus? Do you mean a Stegosaurus?" Ford asks, looking up from his journal.
"Yeah, that seems right." Stan agrees.
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The twins enter a room filled with tree sap. Sunlight flickers through a few cracks in the ceiling, painting the cavern in an amber light.
"Here we are bro." Stan presents, gesturing with his arm. "An entire cave full of ancient dinosaurs. They're probably almost as old as you are!"
Ford is too mesmerized by the vista to respond. Multiple dinosaurs from all kinds of species are stuck in the sap, perfectly preserved over the millions of years. Ford immediately begins sketching in his journal, attempting to catch a snapshot of the moment.
"Hey, bro? You alright?" Stan asks, somewhat concerned by the lack of return insult.
"Hmm? Oh yes, Stanley, I'm fine." Ford responds distractedly. The twins walk further into the cave, Ford stopping repeatedly to get a closer look at the various dinosaurs, before they come upon a massive hole in the sap.
"Huh, wonder what was in here?" Stan comments, examining the hole that was roughly two and a half by eight meters.
"It was bipedal, probably had short fore-limbs as well." Ford suggests after examining the scratches inside the sap.
"Where do you think it went?" Stan asks. "You think it's… right behind you?!" Stan jumps on his brother, pretending to be a dinosaur. Ford rolls around while laughing with his brother before their mirth is rudely interrupted by a thump.
The Pines twins look up to see a dinosaur that bears a striking resemblance to a T-rex, with the exception of two horns on its head, looking down at them. "Maybe it hasn't seen us." Stan whispers as Ford slowly pulls out his journal and begins to take notes.
The dinosaur roars and brushes the ground like a bull before charging.
"Nevermind!" Stan yelps, grabbing Ford and slinging his twin over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
"Hey, run smoother." Ford complains as he writes in his journal.
"Sorry." Stan grumbles. "Y'know, this used to be a lot easier."
"Yes, yes, that's good." Ford responds blandly. "Stanley, I believe this may be a new, never-before seen species of dinosaur! It doesn't match with any of my notes."
"That's great." Stan groans sarcastically. "Can we focus on escaping first?"
"I wonder what we should name it." Ford ponders, ignoring his twin. "Perhaps the Pineosaurus? Or the Stanosaurus? I believe it may be in the same genome as the Tyrannosaurus Rex."
Stan manages to stay ahead of the dinosaur as they reach the rope out of the cave, even with the weight of his brother. "Ford, climb!" Stan tugs on the rope, which frays and snaps, cutting off their only escape route. "Oh, come on!"
"Stan…!" Ford warns, looking backwards from his spot on Stan's back towards the approaching dinosaur.
"Don't worry, it's probably not a carnivore." Stan attempts to reassure his brother. The dinosaur roars again, and gives the twins a look at its sharp teeth, clearly meant for meat. "Shit."
Ford looks scandalized. "Stanley!" He gasps.
"What?" Stan protests. "We're both adults; and probably about to be eaten. I can swear if I want!"
The dinosaur, apparently tired of their disagreement, charges forward. Ford reaches for his pistol before remembering he had taken it out of its holster the previous night and forgot to grab it in the morning. Stan drops Ford from his back and moves so that the dinosaur is only charging him.
"You wanna get to my brother? Well, ya gotta get past me, you overgrown-lizard!" Stan taunts, gripping his brass knuckles tight and squaring up. The dinosaur continues, and Stan prepares himself.
Stan's plan is simple: dive out of the way at the last possible second as if he was fighting a bull, then jump on the dino's back and beat the shit outta him.
Before Stan can enact his plan, a dark shadow falls on the dinosaur. The dinosaur ignores the change in lighting, at least until a feathery mass drops on its head and steers the bull-headed dino into a wall. The dinosaur steps back from the wall in a daze before shaking its head and running back into the mines.
"I see you're still getting into trouble there mate." Phil greets.
"'Sup."Stan nods. Phil raises a wing in response.
"Philza! What are you doing here?" Ford asks, finally closing his journal.
"I was in the area, and a little bird told me you were in danger." Phil explains.
Stan snorts. "A little bird told ya, huh?"
"Yup." Phil nods. A crow flies down next to him and caws. Phil caws back, and the crow flies off.
"Oh." Stan says awkwardly. "So, uh," Stan clears his throat and looks away.
"Say, Phil, would you happen to have a way out of here? Our rope appears to have broken." Ford interrupts Stan's embarrassment.
"Of course." Phil says. "Come over here, both of you."
"What are you-" Stan asks. "Whoa! Okay, arm around the chest." Phil chuckles at Stan before tensing and launching into the air. Stan clenches his eyes closed. While he had gotten over his fear of heights, unexpected flight was still not one of his favorite activities. Phil lands gently inside the ruins of the abandoned church and lets the elder Pines twins down.
"Well, that was fun." Stan grumbles. "Nothing like almost dying to get the blood pumping."
"Yes, it is quite effective." Ford agrees absently as he looks inside his journal.
"That's not wh-" Stan starts. "Y'know what? Nevermind. Did you at least get a good drawing of that beast?"
"Naturally." Ford scoffs at the implication that something minor like "mortal peril" or "imminent threat of death" would interfere with his research. "I can't find anything related to a bull-dinosaur species in my notes. It must be a new species! I will call it… the Taurusaurus."
Stan rubs his chin in thought for a few seconds. "The… bull lizard?"
"Yes." Ford agrees. "It is short, and to the point."
"Wouldn't you wanna, I don't know, want to name it the Fordasaur? Have a dinosaur named after you? Fulfill every child's dream?"
"No, no. I wouldn't be taken seriously if I named a dinosaur after myself. Now, if one of my peers were to do something, that would be an entirely different matter." Ford is distracted in his journal, and thus doesn't see a look in Stan's eye that says, 'I should go kidnap a scientist and force him to do something for me.'
(This look is famous in Florida.)
Phil clears his throat. "I hate to be a downer, but that dinosaur already has a name." Ford looks at Phil questioningly. That dinosaur is named Steve." Ford begins to write this down before pausing.
"Hey… wait a minute…" Ford says, scratching at his forehead. Phil bursts out laughing and Stan joins him. "Oh, har-har. Laugh it up." Ford grumbles.
Phil lets out a few last chuckles before sobering. "In all seriousness, that dinosaur is known as the Carnotaurus."
"Meat lizard? I suppose that makes sense." Ford thinks aloud before writing the name into his journal.
"You ready to head back?" Stan asks his brother while watching the sun rise. "Dipper and Pacifica are probably already awake; Mabel will be asleep for an hour or so."
"Hmm? Oh, yes. Sure." Ford responds.
"Hold on just a second." Phil interjects. "Would you like to come meet my family?"
"Y-your family?" Ford asks. "I thought they were…"
"They weren't dead; they were just marching far away. And now they've come back to me." Phil clarifies.
"I… I would be honored." Ford says, putting his journal away.
"I'm gonna go make the kids breakfast." Stan says. "See ya later, Ford. Goodbye Phil."
"Later." Phil waves and the three split up.
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Stan walks back to the shack, lost in thought. 'Is Ford telling the truth about wanting to adventure with me? Yeah, probably. He never was good at communicating emotionally. Besides, we both know we're getting older, we don't have all that much time left.' Stan emerges from the woods and sees Dipper working out in the yard while Pacifica reads from one of Mabel's magazines on the porch. Well, Pacifica attempts to read. For some reason, her attention keeps wandering towards Stan's great-nephew.
Stan smiles at the scene while sneaking up beside Pacifica. He exited the woods from her blind spot, originally planning on entering through the gift shop, so neither kid see him approach. "Ya see something interesting there, kiddo?" Stan asks Pacifica quietly.
Pacifica jumps and blushes furiously before hiding behind her magazine. Stan starts laughing and Dipper walks over.
"Good morning Grunkle Stan." Dipper greets. He notices Pacifica doing an impressive impression of a tomato. "What's wrong Pacifica?"
"N-nothing!" Pacifica squeaks. Dipper shrugs and turns back to Stan.
"Where were you?" Stan's great nephew asks curiously. "I don't think I've seen you up that early before."
"Eh, Ford needed help with something." Stan explains nonchalantly. "I'm gonna throw on some breakfast. Any requests?"
"Eggs?" Dipper suggests.
"Yeah, sure." Stan agrees. "Eggs and chocolate milk seems like a solid Sunday meal."
Stan walks inside, pausing by the door to listen. He hears the kids return to what they were doing before he interrupted. Content, Stan walks into the kitchen.
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"Before you meet them, I need to warn you." Phil says as he and Ford approach the compound. Ford cocks his head at the Avian. "Very few of my children are biological. In addition, there are a few who don't feel comfortable meeting you for… various reasons."
"That's fine." Ford nods. "If you don't mind me asking, who in your family is currently with you?"
"Well, there's Techno, he's both my brother and my child. He's adopted. Wilbur and Tommy are my biological children. You know Tubbo, of course. He and Ranboo are kind of like abandoned children Tommy found in a dumpster and adopted as brothers, which means I am also their father, to a degree. Ranboo is currently caring for Axolotl666 as a pseudo-parent/uncle, which means I am technically an adoptive grandpa. .GIFfany is a true AI Techno found over the summer and rescued, and is kind of my adopted daughter. You would not believe how happy K̵̢̽r̴̮̹͝i̶͇̻̋͐s̴̛̠ẗ̴͔́̾ȩ̸͈̍n̵͎̉ was to have a daughter. In addition, there are a few thousand crows and other various creatures. There is one more person at the compound, but he doesn't want to meet you."
Ford nods, making a mental note to clean his ears. Phil pushes the gates open, revealing the various people he mentioned wandering about inside the compound.
"Phil's back!" A blonde-haired boy in a red shirt crows, causing a crowd to form around Phil and Ford. Ford notices his apprentice.
"Ah, Tubbo. Good morning." Ford greets.
"Hey boss man." Tubbo greets back. "What're you doing here?"
"Phil decided to introduce me to you all."
Tubbo looks at Phil, then at Ford, then back at Phil. "Philza, don't start adopting old people."
[Breaking news! Old people start disappearing from senior centers as Philza adopts each and every one of them!]
(So that's where my grandpa went.)
"Wha-" Phil sputters. "I'm not trying to adopt him! Despite what you may think, I do not have an adopting problem!" Tubbo looks at Phil skeptically. "Tommy, tell him I don't have a problem!"
"I don't know, old man, you do adopt a lot of people…" Tommy trails off.
"Disloyal child." Phil grumbles. "Techno, tell him I don't adopt everything that moves!"
"Tommy, Phil has an excellent grasp of his instincts. He doesn't adopt everything that looks even the slightest bit sad and helpless." Phil brightens, smiling proudly. "Just like he doesn't react when I do this." Techno makes a noise.
Phil is instantly on alert, his feathers puffed up. 'Nestling! Danger! Protect-Save! Where-danger! Locate-find! Remove-Danger!' Phil is removed from his instincts by a light chuffing coming from Techno.
Tommy looks at Techno with stars in his eyes. "You have got to teach me how to do that!" Tommy begs.
"Not a chance, Theseus. You are enough of a gremlin without being able to distract Phil." Techno denies flatly.
"Aw, boo!" Tommy complains. "You're a bitch, Technoblade, a bitch." Techno rolls his eyes at the child.
"Anyway," Phil interrupts, glaring at Techno, Tubbo, and Tommy. "This is my old friend Stanford. Stanford, the short one ("Hey!") is Tommy." Phil pointedly ignores the interruption. "He is Techno." Techno nods. "Between Tommy and Tubbo is Ranboo. He's the mature one." Ford offers a hand shake to the salt-and-pepper teen.
"This is Axolotl." Ford nods at the figure wearing a purple sweatshirt who smiles back at him. "And lastly ("and least!" "Shut up, Tommy!") Is Wilbur, my oldest biological." Ford offers his hand, and Wilbur shakes it furiously.
"Dad's told me so much about you! I'm super excited to meet a fellow man of science!" Wilbur says excitedly, giving of the air of an enthusiastic researcher before immediately ruining the image by turning to Techno. "Hey, did you hear that? Phil says I'm the oldest!"
Techno snorts. "Oldest biological, he said. I'm still older than you kid, by a long shot."
"Nuh-uh." Wilbur shakes his head petulantly. "Dad says I'm the oldest."
"Bruh~."
[ahh siblings, too bad I wanna kill mine.]
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Ford spent the next couple hours interacting with Phils family, answering questions and telling stories. Eventually, Ford notices the sun getting high in the sky.
"Well, I suppose I should get going. Lots of research, and what not." Ford says. "Goodbye."
"Bye Ford." Phil waves from where he's trying to untangle Tommy, Tubbo, and Axolotl from a net the trio had attempted to catch Techno in. "Feel free to stop by anytime." Ford nods and exits the compound.
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Inside the shack, Wendy rubs at her eyes behind the register before glaring at Soos, who has the decency to look abashed as he sweeps the gift shop. Stan notices the disquiet in his employees, and decides to intervene.
"Wendy, what's up." Stan asks gruffly.
"Nothing." Wendy yawns before glaring at Soos again. Soos begins whistling innocently.
"Wendy, irritable Teens cost me sales. What's bugging you?" Stan presses.
Wendy sighs. "Someone, and I'm not naming names, decided to keep me up until, like, four AM last night because of: quote, Stan and Stan 2, the Stan we know and the Stan we didn't know but the Stan we know pretended to be the Stan we didn't know, unquote." Wendy grumbles at Stan. "By the way, congrats on getting your brother back, I guess?"
"Oh, uh, thanks." Stan says gruffly. "Soos, you do realize that the information regarding my brother is supposed to be private?"
"Of course Mr. Pines, I distributed it on a need-to-know basis." Soos answers seriously.
"Why did you tell Wendy, then?" Stan questions.
"Cause she needs to know. Don't you think she would have gotten suspicious if two Mr. Pines's were walking around?"
"Oh, good point Soos." Stan compliments, which causes Soos's eyes to have little stars in them. "Well, in that case… Soos, don't wake people in the middle of the night: not everyone has your sleep schedule."
"Heh, that's true. Most people can't get by on two hours of sleep." Soos agrees readily.
"It still disturbs me that you can do that, but moving on. Wendy, why don't you take the rest of today off instead of helping repair the shack."
"Uh… thanks Mr. Pines. But… why? Usually you'd just tell me to tough through it and give me a cup of expired apple cider." Wendy questions.
"Apparently that's "a crime" and I could be "arrested". Besides, you being sleepy while working with power tools won't end well." Stan explains. Wendy looks at him strangely as she leaves the room. Soos smiles while looking at Stan. "What?" Stan demands.
"Nothing, Mr. Pines." Soos answers before resuming sweeping.
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"Hey, Ford?" Stan asks his brother that evening.
"Yes?" Ford looks up from his journal.
"If you wanna train Dipper in your nerd ways, I won't stop you." Stan sighs.
"No, you were right. I should try and keep the weirdness away from the twins. It's not particularly safe."
"G'night Sixer."
"Night Lee."
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Completed: 4/12/2024 Words: 3,699 Written using a pirated copy of Microsoft Word 2007
AN2: Hey, Sorry again this isn't Dungeons, dungeons, and more dungeons. I can promise that will be the next chapter. This chapter was originally going to be an end scene last chapter, although it started life as Ford meeting Phil's family, who he has been stories about. Phil's a proud father.
Ford (and Phil) interacted with a culture on his journey that I am going to begin referencing more and more as the chapter goes on. This is, as far as I can tell, the first chapter with parts of this culture. We'll see how long it takes for you to guess.
As of right now, once I finish this fic, I'm going to follow up on Alex with a full fic (the other aspect of Techno all the way back in the Double Dipper chapter). That fic will, in all honesty, probably end up longer than this one, and I am super excited for it. I will give you a hint for where Alex ends up: look to the foreigner in chapter 26
The dinosaur in this chapter is one of my favorites: the Carnotaurus. It looks like a t-rex with bull horns, and to ten year old me that was the coolest shit ever. Did you notice someone's blatant absence? Yep, Proteus doesn't feel comfortable around Ford, (I wonder why) and decided to sit the meeting out. Also, Stan 100% learned some Latin to try and understand Ford's writings.
I know this chapter is shorter than the previous one, but… yeah. With the exception of Weirdmaggedon, which I haven't decided if it's going to be multiple parts or one big giga chapter, the previous will probably be the longest chapter in the fic.
Also, the Soos only getting two hours of sleep is something humans can (theoretically) do. The theory is that, because you only get two hours of REM in a night, if you take six twenty minute naps throughout the day, you would get the same amount of REM sleep. I don't know if anyone has actually managed to pull it off.