Disclaimer:

I solemnly swear that the literature and works of the Harry Potter Verse belong to JK Rowling, Bloomberg and Warner Bros. The only thing I own are the one-shot ideas that popped into my head and whatever OCs I would create for them. This is a work of pure fiction made solely for fun, constructive reviews will be welcomed, flames will be ignored. Any references to characters in real-life or fiction are purely coincidental. If I could make money out of my ideas, it would be nice...

Mischief Managed Damn It!

Title: Covering One's Arse (Working Title)

Posted Date: October 18 2023

Tags: Crack Story, Paranoid Harry, Incompetent / Manipulative Dumbledore, Draco gets dunked on, Good Ronald Weasley, Good Hermione Granger

Possible Challenges: Harry getting an accidental multi relationship, Sirius Black gets out of Azakaban early

Growing up with the Dursleys taught Harry a few things, one of which was, politely speaking, learning to cover one's arse when it came to supposed crimes or blaming another person. After all, he was the target for many of the blame games while Dudley and his buddies got away scot-free.

Coming to Hogwarts was supposed to be a good thing, a chance for something new. But it quickly became clear that despite the awe factor that was magic, some of the staff would be the same as those from his primary school. Professor McGonagall was not the most forgiving professor outside of Snape, and she was too quick to judge him and his friends for whatever it was they did. Snape was a bastard who seemed to have some deal against his father with his constant comparison. He did not know enough about Flitwick or Sprout so he could not gauge them properly but they certainly did not do much about the times when he and his friends were treated badly by the Gryffindors at the time they lost points for saving Hagrid's dragon.

Professor Dumbledore seemed to be acting like a nice grandfather, but Harry had experience with adults that acted nice with him, only to punish him at the drop of the hat and with two belonging to the same golf club as Vernon, he was always the rascal getting others into trouble compared to "Sweet Angel Duddikins".

He wanted to hurl at that descriptor.

All that meant that by the end of first year, Harry had very little reason to trust the adults in Hogwarts to get things done, especially Dumbledore when it came to matters regarding Voldemort and why the dark wizard was after Harry. The old wizard said he was too young and should not be bothered by the news, all Harry heard as the wizard left the hospital wing was that he was essentially bullshitting the reason.

Then came the issue of the house-elf who got him in trouble with the law during summer, and then the odd issue of the gantry closing him and Ron from Platform Nine-and-Three Quarters that forced them to fly with his father's modified Ford Anglia that introduced them to the Whomping Willow. Harry's trust towards authority was at an all time low and he was thinking of how to avoid the troubles that were likely to come soon, having the odd feeling in his gut that he was going to get into a big mess. That mess came in the form of a petrified Mrs Norris hanging by her tail next to a wall that had what looked to be words written in red paint (at least, he prayed it was red paint), saying something about a Chamber of Secrets being open and enemies of the heir should beware of an attack.

As if it was not enough, Dumbledore decided to single them out in front of everyone, and Harry had more than enough experience to know that if he did not do something soon, rumours were going to put them in the bad light, and him into a lot of trouble.

And he got an idea of how to get out of that when Snape was being his usual venomous self and started suggesting to kick him out of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.

~ooOOoo~

"Hang on a minute. Before I get kicked off of any Quidditch Team because of some accusation of me opening this Chamber and using something I found within it to petrify Mrs Norris, I want to know exactly just what this "Chamber of Secrets" is." Harry spoke up while glaring at the Potions master who sneered back at the defiance.

"According to history," began Professor McGonagall "When Hogwarts was being constructed by the founders, Salazar Slytherin felt that magical learning should be kept only to all magical families, strictly purebloods for that matter. He had argued with the other three founders over the issue and ultimately their relationship broke to the point he left the school. Now according to legend, he had built a hidden chamber within the castle that he sealed off before leaving. The Chamber was to remain sealed until such a time that a true heir of Salazar Slytherin returned to the school. Only the true heir would be able to open the Chamber and unleash the horror that dwelt within in order to purge the school of those who Slytherin felt had no place at the school."

"What horror?" asked Hermione.

"A monster of some description," replied McGonagall gravely. "One that only an heir of Slytherin could possibly hope to control."

"That is interesting." Harry hummed thoughtfully.

"What are you thinking Harry?" asked Ron, a little nervous about the situation.

"Just trying to come up with an explanation for this mess we're in," said Harry. He had the rough idea of what to say, and he did not really need to lie too much for that matter.

"Care to enlighten the rest of us, Harry?" asked Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling.

"Well, from my point of view, there are two explanations," said Harry. "The first, and personally the most logical, is that there is no Chamber of Secrets and this whole thing is a setup to try and get me into trouble."

"What do you mean by that?" asked McGonagall, her eyes showing some slight hope on the matter.

"Bear with me on this, but let's go over what has gone on since the start of the year," Harry spoke as the inklings of an idea came into his mind. "First, Snape here –"

"Professor Snape, Harry," corrected Dumbledore.

"Fine," Harry contained his irritation at the interruption and continued. "Professor Snape here allows one Draco Malfoy to buy his way onto the Slytherin House Quidditch Team –"

"He did not buy his way onto the team!" snapped Snape. "Not like you, Mister Celebrity!"

"Oh, please!" Harry scoffed at the immature man. "We've all seen the brooms. Did you really think that Malfoy and Flint would be able to resist bragging about where they came from?" Ron and Hermione nodded with firm expressions as they were there when the team got the brooms, and even the professors gave their opinions on that with nods and shrugs, having heard the two brag all the way into Hogwarts that even Sinistra who was in the tower had heard them. "And that last part is wrong since it was Professor McGonagall who suggested me to the team and brought the broom."

Snape was seething but for the moment he said no more, but his expression made it clear he wanted to render Harry into potion ingredients, only held back by McGonagall who looked ready to claw his face if he tried anything after offending her offhandedly regarding Harry's placement.

"As I was saying," said Harry. "First Draco Malfoy obtains the position of Seeker on the Slytherin Quidditch Team thanks to his daddy buying the whole team brand new Nimbus 2001 brooms. Next Snape –"

"Professor Snape," corrected Dumbledore, again.

"Yeah, him. Whatever." Harry at this point rolled his eyes but soldiered on. McGonagall raised an eyebrow at the action but kept silent, "Anyway, he then abused his authority to cancel the Gryffindor Team's training session so that the Slytherins could begin training Malfoy, despite the fact Oliver had booked it in advance. Then, exactly one week before the Gryffindor vs Slytherin Quidditch match, a strange message and a petrified cat appear in a corridor that I just happen to be walking along and near enough the first words out of Snape's mouth are "I personally feel that he should be taken off the Gryffindor Quidditch Team." Add in the fact that Malfoy himself was one of the first few on the scene after Ron, Hermione and myself found the cat?" Harry waved a hand at the wall. "The timing and all that comes after seems pretty suspicious to me."

"How dare you-?" began Snape, who was shaking with rage.

"Severus," Dumbledore silenced him with a warning stare, before turning his attention back to Harry. "And how would they have known that you would be in that corridor at that time?"

"Nearly Headless Nick told just about everyone he could that I was going to attend his Death Day party after asking me in the hallway after Quidditch Practice." explained Harry. "And I was not exactly quiet myself when asking Hermione and a couple of others if they wanted to join. And they too asked around for any others wanting the experience." Ron and Hermione nodded at that.

"Snape himself just said that ghosts don't serve food fit for humans at their parties, implying that he already knew that ghosts have rotten food at their parties. It would not be too much of a stretch to assume that after that I would not feel like eating anything after seeing that." Harry continued the explanation while ignoring Dumbledore's attempt to correct him again. "And for us to get to the Gryffindor Tower, we would need to go by the corridor outside of the Great Hall to get to the main staircase. It would have been easy enough to have a few Slytherins keeping an eye on the door just in case I happen to go by. Then the trap would be sprung with Malfoy coming along to call me out."

He looked around at them all and admitted "It's a bit of a stretch, I know, but Snape's accusations of me for this and other times were based on less evidence."

"Indeed," said McGonagall. "And your second theory…?"

"That there really is a Chamber of Secrets and that I really was in the wrong place at the wrong time," replied Harry while shrugging. "And I doubt even my luck can be that bad at times."

"I believe that we had already established that much," said Dumbledore.

"Yes, but I have a suggestion as to where the finger of blame should be pointed." Harry made sure his face was void of any satisfaction at his own trap being set.

"Do enlighten us." McGonagall waved a hand.

"It should be pretty obvious," said Harry before raising his hand to count on his fingers. "First we have the Chamber of Slytherin, which can only be opened by Slytherin's Heir."

A second finger went up. "Second we have Slytherin's Monster, which can only be controlled by Slytherin's Heir."

A third finger went up. "Finally, we have the fact that Slytherin wanted his heir to use this monster to purge the school of those who Slytherin deemed to have no place here."

"From all this, it is obvious that the search for Slytherin's Heir must begin within Slytherin House itself. I personally feel that we should start with those known to look down upon students with muggle-born status. In fact, I know exactly who to start with. After all, the first words out of his mouth when he arrived at the scene of Mrs Norris' petrification were 'Enemies of the Heir beware… You'll be next, Mudbloods'. Sorry for saying the last part." With him speaking, the teachers missed Ron and Hermione widening their eyes with Ron having trouble restraining his smile at the suggestion of the culprit.

"Aha!" exclaimed Lockhart, seemingly eager to draw attention back onto himself. "A clear confession of guilt if I ever heard one. Harry, who was it who made that statement?"

"Draco Malfoy," replied Harry, nodding to the fraud just this once. "I suggest you all talk to him on this matter, and if he refuses to tell the truth, then I suggest that he be banned from the Slytherin Quidditch Team until such a time that he decides to cooperate."

Snape sneered at him, not at all pleased at having his suggested punishment for Harry thrown back in his face. McGonagall on the other hand had the thoughtful expression of doing just that if only to stick it to the older man.

Harry continued talking aloud his thoughts slash bullshit to get out of this mess. "And in the event that it is surmised that Draco is not the heir, then I suggest disbanding the entire Slytherin Quidditch Team and suspending the awarding of House Points to Slytherin until such a time as the heir comes forward."

"Oh, honestly," Hermione huffed while Ron looked gleeful at the prospect. "If the Heir of Slytherin really is in Slytherin House, do you really think that they would own up to it just because their house can't play Quidditch or earn points?"

"Maybe not," said Harry. "But if the rest of Slytherin is anything like their Quidditch Team then the Heir is bound to have bragged about it to someone. We don't have to make the heir come forward, just one of his friends."

"Is that likely?" asked Ron while raising an eyebrow, having calmed down enough from his euphoria at the idea that the team would be disbanded.

"There's only one way to find out," replied Harry. "Think of how unpleasant they'll find it when Gryffindor, or other houses for that matter, are getting closer and closer to claiming the House Cup and the Quidditch Trophy?"

"Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about Harry," said Dumbledore, somewhat dismissively now that Harry had finished his theories. "Now perhaps you, Mr Weasley and Miss Granger should return to the Gryffindor Common Room? I must discuss our next move with the Professors."

Harry, Ron and Hermione nodded and left the professors doing their examination of the cat, with Harry hiding a frown at the old wizard's behaviour on the matter. He had the feeling that the wizard had hoped Harry had no explanation for the situation, to what end he had no idea. But he was not getting flack for this.

"Do you really think it was Malfoy doing all of this, mate?" His thoughts got broken by Ron's query.

"No idea," said Harry. "But the chances are that if it isn't him then he, at least, will know something."

"What about that voice you supposedly heard?" Ron reminded him of that bit.

"If we were to base it on what I said earlier, it is not that difficult to project the voice to one person only based on charms. That would make me both nervous and curious." Harry answered while considering the options.

"That is true, there are spells to do that." Hermione remarked almost automatically as she kept tugging on her sleeves.

"Something on your mind?" Harry asked, noting her anxiety.

"You know that things will be bad when we get back to the Common Room, they will ask questions or think you are involved." Hermione rubbed her hands in slight nervousness.

"Most definitely." Harry nodded while thinking back to his days in Privet Drive. "Remember what happened to us last year?" Ron grumbled at that reminder, and at the fact that it was Malfoy who got them caught in some manner.

"But what should we tell the rest?" Hermione asked.

"Exactly what I described. That it was a plot by Malfoy and Snape to get me off the Quidditch Team." Harry shrugged. "And let's face it, would you rather it be some monster going around to hunt students down?" The other two looked at each other for a moment before shaking their heads. They did not like that thought as well, and in a way, it was more believable to think that Malfoy and Snape would do this type of stunt just to get Harry into trouble.

Yes, even Hermione to some extent could believe that despite her ingrained deference to authority.

Ultimately that was what they did once they entered the Gryffindor dormitory, they told the others their theory about the supposed Slytherin plot to get Harry thrown out of the Gryffindor Team before the game coming up, and that made the others very riled up at the news. Oliver Wood, the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, was certainly getting wound up by this.

"I knew that Malfoy was going to cause trouble when I overheard him talking with Flint before this evening." Everyone's eyes were on him, prompting him to continue. "Yesterday, I was on my way back from the library when I heard someone talking, and hid myself once I recognized Flint. He was talking with Malfoy about their new brooms and how they might help with the upcoming matches, he also pointed out that it may not be enough since Harry was on the team since first year. Malfoy then replied that he had a plan to deal with Harry and would likely come up sometime this week." The common room sounded like a hive of angry bees at that news, with the trio sharing a look at that bit of news. Whether it was true or not, Oliver just helped to solidify their cover story without knowing.

"You know something, Gred?" The twin who was supposedly Fred asked with an almost innocent tone that got those closest shivering in dread.

"What, Forge?" The other twin answered in the same manner.

"I just realised that we have yet to hit the Slytherin's common room recently." Fred remarked.

"Ah yes, we have been remiss in that, and we have some new stuff to try out." George nodded sagely before the two gave smiles that made many move away at the impending doom to be unleashed on the Slytherins.

"Fred, George." The two turned to look at their eldest brother in Hogwarts looking with a disapproving expression. "Are you planning a prank on the Slytherins?"

"Oh come on, Percy. It is bad enough that they are allowing Malfoy to buy his way into the team, now they are trying to mess with our team by accusing Harry of attacking others." Fred gave a very impassioned speech on the matter, with a few of the more die-hard members nodding in agreement. Percy looked at the brothers a bit longer, and just as it looked like they wouldn't get any leeway from the prefect brother as usual, that was when he spoke.

"We should not be targeting the entire house because of a few of the more idiotic members. If you must do your stunts, please make sure it is towards the ones that do deserve it, like the Quidditch Team." Percy spoke to the astonishment of all who had known him to be the law-abiding prefect. "On a totally unrelated note, I understand the corridor next to the entrance bearing the old vases is exclusive for the team members when they return from their practice. It is a dark corner that needs maintenance, so many blind spots. I really must remember to check up on it when I have the time." With that, Percy got up and made his way to the doorway, the glittering in the eyes being the only indicator that he silently approved what his brothers were planning. The others certainly got confirmation that Percy was related to the Weasley Twins who were currently gaping at their brother.

"Now if you excuse me, I do need to start my rounds with Penny. There is much to discuss regarding this latest incident, which should not include rumours of people trying to frame others." Percy proceeded to add on to the perception by saying that before unlocking the door.

"Wait for us!" Parvati came along with Lavender. "I need to ask my sister something." Her eyes made it clear what she really wanted to talk about. Percy hummed and nodded as he stood aside to let the two out.

"Hey Crawley, you are heading for your patrol right at Hufflepuff, right?" A fourth year came around to the named prefect. "I just remembered I need to deliver something to Samantha." A few grins from the seniors and explanations let the others know that Samantha was essentially the fourth year gossip queen for Hufflepuff who would get the news spread very quickly. Seeing it all had Harry giving a hidden smirk at the possible mayhem to come in the morning.

Guess the Dursleys were good at teaching him some lessons in learning how to cover one's arse.

Author's Notes:

Alternative title for this: The Power of Bullshitting XD

This story came from a one-shot I have read a few years back, can't remember the author nor can I find it since then. I do recall the premise being Harry turning the tables on Snape on Halloween Second Year, and getting Draco out of Hogwarts after the Quidditch Game with the Horcrux quickly destroyed.

My plan for this is to have Harry avoiding trouble for the entire second year with Draco and Snape getting into lots of trouble, and messing up Dumbledore's plans in the process. The story would only cover the second year with the objective of Harry getting all the Horcruxes destroyed without a clue whatsoever and Sirius getting out early.

Just getting this out of my head for now.