(A/N): Leo reacts to Jerremyah saying that he thinks Lisbet is better off without him.

Jerremyah

Leo's face dropped- and for a second, I was worried that something else had happened- that something had gone terribly wrong- because he looked downright distraught. It was only when I tried to tune in to his emotions, and I only smelt the earthy, slightly metallic scent of surprisingly intense sorrow, that I realised he was reacting solely to what I had said. I guess I just didn't understand why he was distressed by it.

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Then repeated it. I patiently waited for him to be able to get his words out- mostly because he did seem so upset about this.

"Is that- what your brain thinks, or... what you think?" I- what did that mean?

"Are those not just... the same thing?" His face screwed up, and hesitantly shook his head.

"I wouldn't say so, no. Not in this case, anyway. Do you believe that, or does that little voice in the back of your head, believe that?" I blinked. "And before you say it, I'm already well aware of how hypocritical it is for me to say that." I hadn't been about to say that- I was too thrown off to even think about that.

"I- I- uhhh..." I wasn't sure what to say- which usually wouldn't have bothered me. I would have just started talking, and seen where my mouth took me, no matter how dumb it made me seem, but... with Leo, it felt like every word counted. Maybe that was just because he was so attentive, and took everything in, in a way I wasn't used to. "I'm not sure I have a little voice in the back of my head, if I'm honest." His eyebrows furrowed.

"Not even the vampire voice?" I winced.

"I don't know if I would call it a 'voice' exactly-" Seeing his slightly worried look, I amended myself. "I think it's different for me. I've talked to other vampires- Lisbet, Grey, Nuria- and they've mentioned that sort of thing before, I just... it's more like... like a force? Like a physical force. There's this sort of push and pull, and usually, I come out on top, but sometimes- when there's blood involved- the vampire wins out. Pushes me down, into a little box, and no matter how hard I fight, I can't climb back out- until it loses momentum, and forgets to keep pushing." He stared at me, and I expected him to look like he thought I had gone mad, but he didn't. In fact, he looked almost pained.

"I... when I say the vampire side is 'a voice', it's not just like... like another person, speaking in my head. It's... insidious. It's like a... an oily smoke, that threatens to choke me. The air is never entirely clean, but some times are better than others. And some are a lot, lot worse. It coats, and it fills the lungs, and it blinds, until everything else disappears, and it takes over- until I'm not me anymore." Oh. It made sense now, why he didn't seem all that perturbed by my control issues, but did seem pained by my description of it.

"Oh." I said- because I didn't know what else to say, but I wanted to reassure him that I was listening. Not that I thought he would think that I wasn't, but I didn't know how to reassure him in any other way, so I settled for that.

"That kind of undermines Lisbet trying to convince you that I was a self control guru, doesn't it?" I shrugged.

"To be fair, I never actually believed that. You were right, I came here for Lisbet- my decision was made the second I got her letter." I came here for Lisbet- she wasn't the only reason I was staying, though.

"Yeah, we weren't the best at selling it." I didn't think they were trying that hard to sell it.

"Lisbet should know by now that I don't need any sort of pretense." His lips quirked up into a slight smirk, before he seemed to think better of whatever he was going to say. "What was that? What was that little smirk? Tell me." He shrugged, looking slightly abashed.

"It- something about you being easy. It wasn't full formed." I grinned at him.

"True. I'm the easiest." I said simply, proudly, and he brightened up once more.

"I think..." He said, sobering slightly. "I think Lisbet was worried that the status quo of your relationship had changed, more severely than- at least I think- it has." I pulled a face.

"I was worried about that, too. I thought- well... the way we left things was... not the best." Leo's eyebrows furrowed, before his lips quirked. Not up, necessarily, but in some sort of manner that deviated from their neutral position.

"Is that why you were such a prick that first day?" I grinned at him, and shrugged somewhat smugly.

"I'm always a prick." He... oddly, he looked like he disagreed.

"More of a prick than normal. Heavy prick." He considered this, then, a small, almost immature smirk bloomed on his face. "Huge, throbbing prick." I huffed out a laugh.

"I am known for that, yes." He shot me a look that wasn't particularly flattering to my, 'huge, throbbing prick'. "Hey!" He burst out laughing at my defensive cry, and I couldn't help but beam at the sound. It took him a minute, but eventually, he managed to contain his laughter.

"How did we get here?" I shrugged.

"I think we ran, but I can't be entirely sure." He cracked a grin, and I made a mental note to make more bad jokes.

"I meant, how did we go from talking about you thinking that Lisbet is better off without you, to talking about your, 'throbbing prick'?" I sobered slightly at the mention of my thoughts about my relationship with Lisbet, but forced myself to lighten up a bit- no one wanted to see me upset like that. We were done with that. Sad, lonely Jerremyah was gone, and fun-loving, happy Jerremyah was here to stay.

"It's charismatic- it demands to be talked about." His lips quirked up involuntarily, before he frowned- he seemed to have to force them into that position.

"You're avoiding the subject." For whatever reason, that made me feel much more sheepish about it, than I usually would have.

"I... I mean... yes, I am." He tilted his head at me.

"Are you uncomfortable talking to me about it?" I winced, then shrugged.

"No more than anything else." He inspected me for a moment, and I sighed. "Look, Leo, I... it's not you. I just... I love her." His face softened. "More than anything. I would do anything for her... even if that means having to leave her life forever." He opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off. "Thankfully, that doesn't seem to be needed right now, so here I stay- just out of reach." His frown intensified.

"You think you're bad for her?" I winced again.

"Yes. Obviously, I'm not... I'm not squeaky clean. I'm complicated. I... she deserves better." He stared at me for a minute- so long, and so intensely, that it made me a little uncomfortable- like he was weighing my heart against a metaphorical feather.

"Then be better." I blinked- like it was so easy?!

"What do you mean?" He shrugged.

"If you feel like you're not good enough for her- which I'm not sure I agree with, by the way-" It was nice of him to say that, but I knew he didn't really believe it- how could he? "Then change. Change until you are. Make yourself into the person that you think, she deserves." I frowned.

"I- I don't know if that's possible. What if I can't ever be good enough?" He considered this for a second, then shrugged again.

"Well, if you want to be with her, and you think that the only way you can do that is to be a better person- then you don't have much of a choice, do you?"

(A/N): Jerremyah: 'No one wanted to see me upset like that. We were done with that. Sad, lonely Jerremyah was gone, and fun-loving, happy Jerremyah was here to stay.'

Leo, in Chapter 285: 'I'll just make you happy all the time-'

also

Lisbet: 'What does sorrow smell like to you?'

Jerremyah: 'Petrichor- the smell of rain. You?'

Lisbet: 'Ozone.'

Jerremyah: 'That's the same thing!'

Lisbet: 'That is NOT the same thing!'

also

Jerremyah: 'There is a physical force in my mind that I have to push against every second of every day in order to stay in control, but when I'm around blood, it gets impossibly strong and shoves me into a little box in my mind, and I can't claw my way out until it runs out of momentum.'

Leo: 'It's not like another person, speaking to me in my mind- it's like a cloud of oily black smoke, that chokes me and blinds me until I lose myself, and it takes over.'

Both of them: 'Just vampire shiz, amirite?'

also

Jerremyah: 'My prick is charismatic- it demands to be talked about.'

Jerremyah's Prick: 'Rate me five out of five stars on Yelp.'

According to Ancient Egyptian religion (most notably found in the Book of the Dead), after someone dies, the 'heart' of their soul appears before the god Osiris in the Hall of Truth, and there- once the person has completed their Negative Confessions (I have not committed this particular sin, I did not do this particular thing), it is weighed in the balance of a golden scale, against the white feather of truth. If the soul is lighter than the feather of truth, it gets to pass onward into the eternal paradise of the Field of Reeds, in which one received back everything taken by death. If it was heavier, however, the heart was thrown to the floor, where it was devoured by Amenti (also known as Amut), a god with the face of a crocodile. Once the heart of the soul was devoured, the person it belonged to ceased to exist. That's a very simplified version of that, and I figure that Jerremyah picked that up from Nuria, or possibly Khal. It's not a literal heart that's being weighed, but the heart of ones soul.