Nobody got shot. Nobody got killed. Nobody got hurt.
Hawk kept reminding himself of those three facts as he cleared away the breakfast dishes.
Everyone's okay for now… I think…
It still made for an awkward first meal with all five of them at the kitchen table.
"We don't talk about battle plans or secret projects, if that's what you were hoping for."
Jon had told him about that bit of common ground he'd found with Jennifer in that simple meal he'd prepared for her earlier. It had given Hawk a bit of hope that they'd find another little sliver of that as they all tucked into breakfast together. But instead… they hadn't talked about much of anything. And it wasn't just about Jennifer being taciturn. It was as if none of them knew how to just be themselves now that this girl was sitting at the table with all four of them.
Hard to make small talk with a girl who just threatened to kill all of you – again.
She said that she could this time... not that she would. That's a little bit of progress, right...?
Jennifer looked as uneasy as ever. She had held herself apart at the end of the table the entire time, silently casting wary eyes at each of them in between forkfuls of powdered eggs. Did she suspect that he and Jon had told the others about the gun?
Scout had disappeared down the hallway leading to the control room just a moment before she had emerged from the shower. Could she have overheard any of that conversation about them being in over their heads and asking a doctor for help?
Hawk reached for her empty plate, and she recoiled – as if he'd raised his hand against her. The next instant, she was scooting her chair back from the table with a panicked look on her face.
Was she still fearing some sort of delayed punishment – even after he had assured her of his forgiveness?
"Easy there, kid. No need to be jumpy."
Before he could reach for her empty glass, she was on her feet – grabbing it and sending it flying past his ear. He'd barely registered the movement before the glass fell weakly back to the middle of the table and rolled to the edge, where Scout caught it easily.
Good thing you're still not at full strength, kid.
"I'm not afraid of you!" The tremor in her voice belied her words. So did her trembling hands as she braced them at the edge of the table.
"Do they have that proverb in the Dread Youth about actions speaking louder than words?" He kept his words calm and light.
She just stood there, breathing heavily – looking just as frightened and angry as she had the morning before.
"Who are you really mad at – me or yourself?" He was going for his best fatherly tone now.
She bit her lip and said nothing.
"You've been sitting there stewing since we all sat down at this table. Everyone else here knows what it's like to feel that kind of emotion build up until you feel you need to throw or hit something – to get it out of your system. And hitting things is always better than hitting people. But if you break anything here, you're cleaning it up yourself. Understood?"
How many years had it been since he'd said something similar and used that exact tone with Mitch and Katie? It felt like a lifetime ago – and at the same time, just like yesterday…
Jennifer looked at Jon for confirmation, and he nodded. She swallowed hard, nodded back, and dropped back into her chair.
"I'll take the rest of those, Hawk," Tank stood up at the same time Scout did. The two of them made short work of the last of the kitchen cleanup – not without some anxious glances from Scout in Jennifer's direction. The sergeant had just started back to the table when his commlink chirped.
Dr. Campbell? That was awfully quick. But Scout had already given a quick head shake before Hawk could ask.
"Some pinging on a couple of the alerts I set up last night. Probably won't amount to much but-"
"Sometimes the small stuff leads to unexpected finds. And I'd rather make sure we've found all the puzzle pieces we can in that sector." Jon told him.
Scout nodded.
"Tank, go be the second pair of eyes and ears on all of that. Hawk and I will call if we need either or both of you."
"Right." The two departed – both giving anxious glances over their shoulders.
Jon watched them go, then focused back on Jennifer.
"I think we need to have your next lesson about fear right now."
Jennifer's eyes widened, but she said nothing.
"Unless you'd be more comfortable back in MedBay?"
She let her eyes sweep to the other end of the kitchen – looking for a moment as if she wanted to bolt down the hall after Scout and Tank. Instead, she sat back and swallowed hard.
"Here's fine… I think…"
"Good. I'm going to have Hawk stay with us for this one, because of what just happened here and because you both shared a frightening experience a little while ago."
That got her back up. "I said I was sorry!" She slammed both hands on the table as she pulled herself to her feet – obviously regretting that move as she winced and swayed on her feet before dropping back into her chair.
She hadn't apologized for the glass, but Hawk would let that slide for now.
"Take it easy. Yes, you apologized, and yes, I accepted it, and yes, I forgave you. But that doesn't mean that we don't still have some things to learn from what happened. And when I say 'we', I mean all of us – not just you – okay?"
She looked skeptical but offered a grudging "okay" back to Hawk.
"The first thing you need to learn about fear is that it's not always a bad thing. And feeling it – acknowledging it – doesn't make you weak or defective," Jon told her.
"But I don't understand… how can fear be… good?"
"The healthy kind of fear keeps us from doing things that are completely reckless – like literally playing with fire or jumping off a cliff."
She nodded her understanding.
"How do they keep you from doing those reckless things without teaching you about that healthy sort of fear?"
"They teach us to know our physical limitations. How to analyze – when to risk pushing the envelope and when it would be foolhardy to do so."
"So, everything is a cold and calculated numbers game."
No response.
"You were taught that fear is the worst evil, but it isn't. It's a far worse evil to take a person – a child – and reduce everything about them to their physical and logical abilities. To make them believe that's their only value."
She kept silent, but the expression in her eyes showed that Jon had her full attention.
"Fear isn't evil in and of itself, Jennifer. Feeling it doesn't make you weak or defective and it's not something to be ashamed of. It's like anger in a lot of respects. Trying to deny it or suppress it entirely can end up backfiring on you. It can consume you just like anger can if you don't learn how to face it or control it. So, we're going to do our best to help you face and understand all that fear you've got bottled up inside you along with all your anger. But with fear, you're going to have to meet us halfway."
She nodded.
"Tell us why Hawk's hug frightened you so much that you pulled his gun on him."
"Nobody… holds… anyone like that in the Dread Youth. We… unless we're practicing hand-to-hand combat… or it's medically necessary or we need to …restrain… someone, we're taught not to touch… or hold… at all…"
Another suspicion confirmed.
"No wonder you thought what I was doing was no different from the man at the well." And yet, Hawk had a feeling there was more to it than that. "But didn't you ever see people on the outside hug – hold each other like I showed you?"
She nodded. "But they were always… afraid… I thought you were trying to make me…"
"Feel even more afraid?"
Another nod.
"Well, now you know better."
She didn't look quite convinced, and Hawk supposed he couldn't blame her.
"I didn't think to ask you earlier – but did it hurt those bruised ribs of yours?" He'd tried to be mindful of that – and he hadn't held her that tightly- but still…
She shook her head.
"Okay, but if one of us accidentally does that in the future, just say so. Nobody wants something that's supposed to comfort you to just end up hurting you more, okay?"
A soft "okay," in response.
"Now tell me why you acted like I was about to hit you when I was just clearing away your plate along with the others. Didn't I tell you I wasn't going to punish you for what happened earlier?"
She nodded.
"The Overunits ever mete out delayed punishment like that – at mealtimes or assemblies?"
She nodded, and he barely managed to keep from swearing under his breath. Of course, Dread would use humiliation to punish cadets who deviated from his standards. It was all in keeping with the cruelty she'd already told them passed for education in the Dread Youth.
"We'll never do that to you," Jon assured her. "If we think we need time to come up with a suitable punishment for something you did, we'll say so. But that will never involve hitting you or humiliating you in front of the others. Any punishment for any wrong you do will be all about learning how and why it was wrong, how to keep from doing it again, and whenever possible, putting right whatever you did wrong. Are we clear about that?"
She nodded, and her expression relaxed a little.
"Good. Now we're going back to our lesson yesterday – about your greatest fear."
"My emotions." There was a little tremor in her voice again.
"Right. We talked yesterday about anger because that was the emotion that you felt most of all. But you need to understand that the anger you felt – all the anger you've been feeling – all of that has its roots in fear. Fear of feeling any sort of emotion. Fear of losing control – because you were raised to believe that you always had to be in perfect control of yourself. And the fear that you started feeling that night in Sand Town. The fear that everything you knew was wrong. But there's another fear that's been driving you all this time. Fear of the unknown." Jon let that sink on for a moment. "And for all the time you've been with us, we've all been experiencing that last fear ourselves."
Her eyes widened at that.
"Think about it. To begin with, we weren't completely sure that we'd gotten to you in time to save your life."
"But then… you lied to me – when you told me I was going to be all right?" She sounded more confused than angry – a surprisingly good sign.
"It wasn't a lie. Your reaction to the first cold pack was a good sign that we weren't too late. But to be honest, all of us had that tiny shred of doubt in our minds at the same time. And it can be far too easy to focus on the smallest doubt over all the otherwise hopeful signs."
"Hopeful…what does that mean, really?"
"I was going to leave that until the end of our lesson," Jon looked thoughtful for a moment. "But now that you mention it, I think it's good to introduce you to that emotion now. Because hope is something we look for and find even in the midst of our fears. Oftentimes, it's what gets us through those fears."
"How?"
"It's not knowing with complete certainty that everything is going to be all right. If you know without even the smallest shadow of doubt, then you don't need hope for that. But these days, almost all of us live with all sorts of doubts – both great and small. And for all those times – hope is in remembering all the good things that have brought us this far – and in looking for signs of good things to come."
Jennifer had that look of almost-but-not-quite-understanding again, and Hawk couldn't help smiling. It was a bit like looking at a much older version of his own daughter when he'd been trying to teach her the same concepts. And so far, Jon was doing as capable a job of that now as he had with Katie then.
Sometimes it still amazed him how mature and wise Jon was for his years, and how easy it was to let him take the lead in tough situations. Even at a time like this, with a girl who might as well be a literal unicorn.
"We'll talk more about hope before we're done with this lesson. Right now, we need to talk more about all the unknowns that you're afraid of. You're afraid of being lied to again. Of being hurt again. And you're still afraid that we might turn on you – become your enemies even after telling you over and over that we only want to be your friends and help you heal. And most of all, you're afraid that you can't trust yourself to handle all the emotions you're being flooded with."
She nodded.
"The rest of us have fears of our own. Do you know what they are?"
"That I could still be some kind of spy, or a plant – but I'm not!" Another slap of the table with obvious regret of that fit of temper in the next instant.
"Easy there. Nobody here is saying that you are – or even that you might be," Hawk reminded her.
"But you're still not completely certain either, are you? And I don't know how I can prove to you that I'm not!" She was getting herself all wound up again – and Hawk couldn't help wondering how many more rounds of this lay ahead of them.
"We can't be completely certain in the way that we couldn't be completely certain that we weren't going to lose you to that heatstroke. But we know what we believe. And right now, everyone here believes that you've been telling us the truth from the beginning," Jon told her, and Hawk nodded agreement.
"But you're still afraid that I could turn on you, aren't you?"
"Can you blame us, after what happened with my gun?" Hawk held up a hand before she could start to protest again. "We're not going to keep going round and round with that. We were both in a vulnerable moment, we were both at fault, and we've agreed not to hold it against each other. But that doesn't mean we each don't have that little shred of fear that something like that or worse could happen again."
"But that's not our greatest fear with you. It's not even close to our greatest fear with you," Jon told her.
"Then… what do you fear most about me?"
"Failing you. Failing in our best attempts to teach you what being fully human means and how to live it out. That's our greatest fear about you - if we're going to be completely honest."
"But we also know we can't focus on that fear or let it drive us the way your fears have driven you." Hawk followed up. "We treat our fears in much the same way we treat our anger. We acknowledge them and the reasons we feel them, but we don't give in to them."
"And that's pretty much how hope works," Jon told her.
There was that look of almost-but-not-quite getting it again.
"I hesitate to say this… but in a way, you're becoming an embodiment of hope."
"What's that supposed to mean?" A puzzled frown.
"If a Dread Youth Leader can not only walk away but break free of a lifetime of brainwashing… if you can learn how to both feel and control all of your emotions… if you can embrace becoming fully human… then we have to believe that almost anything is possible." Jon told her .
"Including winning this war," Hawk instantly regretted his follow-up.
The souring of Jennifer's expression confirmed that feeling. "So, that's what I am to you? The key to winning the war?"
"NO." The vehemence of Jon's response startled Hawk almost as much as it did Jennifer.
"I thought I made that clear yesterday." Jon dialed back the intensity of his voice. "But I'll say it again – as many times as I need to. Aside from not wanting to put that kind of pressure on your shoulders - we don't ever want to use you the way Dread used you – or for you to feel like you're being used in any way. You're a person, not a tool or a weapon. That's all we ever want you to be – the human being you were always meant to be. But every bit of progress that you make gives us hope that we'll be able to free other Dread Youth, too."
There was a knock at the doorway before Jennifer could say anything to that. Tank was standing there, looking somber.
"That call you were expecting just came through."
Dr. Campbell.
"Thanks, Tank." Jon stood up, hesitating just a second before looking Jennifer in the eye again.
"I'm sorry, but Hawk and I both need to handle this one. Tank's going to stay with you until we're done. It's up to you if you want to stay here or go back to MedBay to rest, but he's going to stick with you either way."
Jennifer lifted her eyes to meet Tank's – clearly less than thrilled with this prospect.
"I still don't bite. I promise." Tank slid into the seat that Jon had just vacated, pulled out a deck of cards, and gently placed them on the table. "Do you play any card games in the Dread Youth?"
"No…" Jennifer eyed the deck as if it were a venomous snake.
"I'd be happy to teach you," he offered, and Hawk couldn't help chuckling at that as he rose to his feet.
"Are you going to teach her how to cheat, too?"
"That should probably be Scout's honor. But you know what he always says."
"Teaching someone how to look for cheating isn't the same as teaching them to cheat." The three men chorused.
Tank picked the deck back up and winked at Jennifer.
The corners of her mouth turned up a little.
Why do I have the feeling our lieutenant's about to create a little monster here?
Hawk crossed to Jon's side, and both men shared a chuckle as they looked at each other and back at the pair at the table.
"Just let us know if you go back to MedBay, so we'll know where to find you once we're finished."
Tank was already shuffling the cards.
"Don't worry, Captain. I think we're going to be just fine either way."