Autor's note : Hi everyone!
Here's a bit of a special fanfiction, as it's a translation of my fanfiction that was originally written in French.
I'd also like to point out that English is by no means my native language, and that even if I'm good at it, mistakes and awkwardness can sneak into the text without me necessarily noticing. If you ever have any suggestions (and by the way, if you're ever interested in being my beta reader), please don't hesitate - my perfectionist streak will thank you greatly!
To talk about the story itself, there are a few things you should know before starting to read:
1) Since the fiction was originally written about 20 years ago (in 2005 or 2006, I think), the plot doesn't take into account all the events that happen after the Battle of Fairy Tail arc, where Laxus tries to become the new Master by force. That's a long time ago, I grant you. However, as I've refined the story over the years, I've found myself using characters or plot elements that would normally come later. So when they meet these characters, it's bound to be in a different way.
2) Among them all, there's one character who won't have the same personality at all, since I'd already included him in my story at a time when we'd never seen him before, and that's Zeref. I sincerely love the ambiguity of that character as he is in the manga. But unfortunately, here... he really won't have anything to do with it. He's just the pure antagonist who just wants to dominate everything, nothing close to what he is in the manga. Sorry for those who might be bothered by that.
3) The overall atmosphere of the fiction is very, very dark, and it may touch on sensitive subjects like violence, blood, torture, suicide, etc., so be warned.
4) The story is very, very clearly centered on Natsu, so I hope you like him as much as I do! Lucy, Gray and Erza also feature prominently, although other characters will be added later.
5) There are no couples as such, so each character's relationship is kept as true as possible, adding the necessary drama for it to grow and strengthen as the adventure progresses. I try to keep them all on an equal footing, so that no one is overshadowed by another. Although I do have my little preferences, which may show :).
I'll leave you to discover the rest, as I think I've covered the most important points. I hope you'll join me on this adventure! I promise you many twists and turns and lots and lots of strong emotions!
I should also warn you that that the release will be relatively slow from one chapter to the next, as this fiction requires a lot of work and time that I don't necessarily have. It will also depend on how it's received and what your expectations are.
With that said, I wish you a good reading!
Here is the full summary:
After a five-day delay, Natsu returns severely injured from a mission with Happy. Everyone expects a return to normal, but Natsu makes a terrible decision: he leaves Fairy Tail to fulfill his tragic destiny, beyond even his fate as a Dragon Slayer.
Unable to accept his departure, Lucy, Gray, and Erza will do everything to find him, unaware that they are about to face the most painful situation of their lives.
From then on, they will live for one and only one purpose: to save Natsu from his impending death.
Chapter 1: The weight of secrets
Magnolia sprawled along the edge of the glittering sea, the monotonous roar of its waves echoing in the distance. An unsettling stillness pervaded the area. All that could be heard was the rustling of leaves dancing in the wind joined by the chirping sonatas of birds, the sweet ooze of the river winding its way through the city, and the distant chirping of chattering bugs. The slow rise of the dawn over the night colors powdered the clouds and enveloped the sky in a mixture of crimson and saffron, promising a clear, sunny day. And so, another beautiful day lay ahead, unalterably identical to the previous ones for the famous Fairy Tail mages.
The discordant noise inside the guild hall contrasted with the calm outside. Despite the early hour, its members were already gathered around long rows of table as usual, drinking, laughing, toasting and brawling. Furniture waltzed, objects flew in all directions, and cups were raised enthusiastically before being swallowed whole.
In the midst of this din, seated at an isolated table in the safest corner of the room, Lucy watched them without joining in the festivities, both amused by their vigor and annoyed at not being able to enjoy a bit of quiet when she so desperately needed it. She sighed as she instinctively dodged a flying plate with a flick of her head, preoccupied with all the problems that had piled up over the past few days.
She'd spent the whole week stuck at the guild with her rent to pay, unable to do anything about it. The easiest jobs had all been taken, and all that was left on the mission board were a few disparate tasks that she didn't have the slightest hope of completing on her own. Everyone was either busy or away, the guild was almost empty, and on top of that, it wasn't even enough to give her a bit of rest. The few members who were still present didn't bother with half measures to make the atmosphere as festive as when their companions were here. The result was a constant devil's din that no one tried to quell, overwhelming poor Lucy who longed for some peace and quiet.
Despite her quasi-inactivity as a mage, it had been a trying week for her. She'd had to negotiate with her landlady for a few weeks' grace, which hadn't been easy; help Mirajane organize the guild's archives; go on a one-day mission with Erza that ended with no reward at all due to the damage caused by her teammate, who left immediately for an S-rank mission; and other small tasks of little interest that were enough to exhaust her for good.
To make matters worse, her sleep was increasingly disturbed by the immense worry she felt for a certain idiot who had been away on a mission for much longer than expected.
It had been at least four or five days since Natsu and Happy should have returned. Not only had they gone off on their own despite the relatively high rank of the work they had been asked to do, but the Dragon Slayer's behavior before leaving had been more than a little odd, which didn't help the young girl allay her fears. He had refused her company when she had offered to join him, which had never happened before. On the contrary, her friend had always been enthusiastic about the idea of going on a mission with her even when he found the goal of the request boring as hell, which always warmed her heart. But this time... he'd flatly refused without thinking twice. He'd apologized immediately after being so blunt and direct with her, stammering out some haphazard explanation to justify his unusual refusal without giving her a single opportunity to question him. He and Happy had left the next moment and hadn't been heard from since.
Even Gray seemed worried, for he had not fought even once since his return the day before and had rushed to ask where his rival was as soon as he had returned, looking tense and anxious when he realized that he still had not returned. The ice mage had arrived unusually early that morning, asked her briefly if she had any news, and shrugged before leaving when she replied in the negative. Although she would normally take offense at his lack of interest, the tension in his body language communicated his anguish too transparently for her to blame him. Knowing how reluctant he was to express his feelings when it came to his relationship with Natsu, he had probably preferred not having to explain his agitation to her, even though it was pointless since she had already figured it out. She understood his need to deal with it alone, but sometimes wished he would open up more to the friendship and brotherhood he undoubtedly felt for his long-time rival. That he would show him his affection and support, at least once in a while.
She sighed again, as much in an attempt to relax as to express her discouragement. She didn't even know why she had let him go without insisting more. She had sensed that something was wrong, but the surprise and annoyance of his refusal had numbed her common sense. As soon as she had realized how worried she was, they were already gone, leaving her feeling utterly helpless. Now she was afraid to discover that this long delay had something to do with his obvious nervousness before he left.
Her gaze shifted from the chaotic scene of chairs and tables flying around to meet Mirajane's. The beautiful woman offered her trademark gentle smile as she dried one of the glasses she'd just cleaned. The stellar mage smiled back, wondering if she knew more about Natsu and Happy's request than she did, as she was in charge of recording departures and returns. Maybe she could shed light on the reason for their delay.
Following her thoughts, Lucy got up and approached the counter, carefully dodging a few solitary projectiles. She took a seat across from the young barmaid, who inquired about her worried expression as she put down the now dry glass to take another one, "What's bothering you, Lucy?"
"Do you know what the mission Natsu and Happy took is about?" Lucy asked back. "They're almost a week late, and I'm starting to worry."
Mirajane wasn't surprised by the question, knowing full well that her friend had hardly slept since the two comrades should have returned. "The description was quite fuzzy, there wasn't much explanation. The request was for anyone to inspect a cave allegedly infested with black magic, find its source, and eradicate it."
Lucy paled instantly, the mention of dark magic not boding well with her. "D-Do you think something could have happened to them?" She asked, her voice trembling.
"Don't worry, Lucy." Mira said, feeling the urgency to reassure her. "You know Natsu, I'm sure he-" She was interrupted by the guild door opening.
"I'm back." A faint voice announced.
"Aye..."
Upon hearing Happy's frail voice and how calmly Natsu announced himself, the mages in the hall instantly stopped their brawl to turn to the two latecomers. The barmaid was facing the entrance, and the pale expression that invaded her face alarmed Lucy, who turned around.
She was about to scold him for worrying her so much, but the brief glance she shared with Happy froze her on the spot. The grief and distress reflected in his watery eyes gave her the impression that tears were about to break out at any moment. Which could only mean one thing. Her assumption was instantly confirmed as she turned her attention to the fire mage, and she couldn't hold back a gasp, joining Mirajane in her stunned state.
Natsu stood in the doorway next to his partner, or rather leaned against the wall with one hand, the other pressed against his abdomen where trickles of crimson liquid could be seen slipping between his fingers and trailing down his legs to drip onto the floor. His clothes were torn in various places, covered in dirt and blood just like his hair, and around his abdomen was a makeshift bandage made from his own T-shirt.
Despite his deplorable condition he wore a fragile smile, which quickly turned into a grimace as he staggered slightly, seized by a sudden dizziness. His fingers increased the pressure on the wound under the penetrating pain it was surely causing him, and he had to prevent himself from falling by leaning harder against the wall.
"Natsu!" Mirajane was the first to react, nearly dropping her glass before rushing towards him, panicked. She barely stopped herself from making contact too abruptly as she placed a hand on his shoulder, that she felt trembling slightly beneath her palm. "Natsu, are you okay?"
The young man looked up at her and felt more indecisive than ever in front of the young woman's gentle and reassuring presence. His thoughts wandered as he stared absently at her. For a moment he wanted to tell her everything, confess all his secrets, beg her to help him face this terrifying situation over which he had no control. He managed to restrain himself at the last moment, mentally slapping himself to get his thoughts in order and remember the promise he had made to himself not to involve them in this.
He gathered his wits just in time to avoid giving her the opportunity to question him, though he was aware that she had noticed his brief hesitation.
"I'm fine." He lied, trying to appear as detached as possible. He tried to put on a reassuring smile, but it was marred by pain and Mirajane frowned without taking her eyes off him, her forehead wrinkled with worry.
She hadn't missed the distress that had briefly flickered in his eyes when he had looked up at her, troubling her greatly. He had clearly hesitated to tell her something, changing his mind at the last second, and it was very difficult to resist the temptation to extract answers from him. She did it anyway, knowing that the timing was very wrong. Even though he claimed to be fine, he was still losing blood and needed to be treated quickly.
Natsu straightened up, finding his balance, and Mirajane broke off contact with him, but not without examining his bloodied body with her eyes.
"Don't worry, Mira. Really."
The barmaid smiled as sincerely as she could manage and nodded. Natsu did the same, then shifted his attention away from her as all the other mages rushed towards him in a noisy crowd, including Gray and Lucy, who were the first to reach them. The celestial mage stopped in front of him and hurried to ask, her tone betraying her panic at seeing him so seriously injured.
"What happened to you?! You should have been back a week ago!"
"Nothing special," he denied with as much assurance as possible. "The mission was a bit more complicated than expected, that's all. Nothing to worry about."
His response didn't reassure or satisfy her in the slightest, but she accepted it for now. She still tried to inquire about Happy's attitude, hoping to detect a beginning of an explanation, but she realized with astonishment that he was no longer there, definitively proving that something was amiss. However, she didn't voice her suspicions, knowing full well that Natsu would deny everything outright without providing any information. She wouldn't get anything out of him by confronting him directly; she would have to use more cunning methods to extract the truth from him. That was why she kept silent as she wondered how the impetuous Dragon Slayer could have ended up in such a state.
Standing slightly apart, Gray pondered the same question, absorbed in his rival's smiling expression. He knew from experience that it took a lot to injure him that badly, reflecting the difficulty of his mission and heightening his anxiety. Yet despite his injuries and the impressive amount of blood staining him, he didn't seem as much in pain as Gray initially feared, much to his relief.
That's why he allowed himself to scoff with a slight smirk, "Well, well? Can't even handle a simple mission on your own? And you call yourself a Dragon Slayer?"
At first, Natsu simply turned towards him, observing him silently for a few seconds. Gray was about to abandon his mocking demeanor, cornered by the oddly mixed look of anxiety and guilt in the fire mage's eyes, but the latter reacted just in time. He straightened up abruptly, frowning in irritation.
"Excuse me ?!" He retorted as he pressed his forehead against Gray's. "You wanna fight, ice princess?"
"Bring it on, ash for brain!"
"Underpants on legs!"
"Flame-brain!"
"Pervert!"
"Idiot!"
"Moron!"
The two rivals continued to hurl numerous ridiculous insults without stopping, glaring at each other. Lucy and Mirajane sighed with relief as the others returned to their respective activities, freed from their worries. Although both women had been disturbed by the guilty look Natsu had displayed towards Gray despite his taunts, he had eventually reacted as usual and his physical condition seemed stable despite the blood loss. He would undoubtedly need care and rest, and he was surely hiding something about this mission, but his behavior remained ordinary enough to convince them that it probably wasn't as serious as they had imagined.
"You're such a loser, Natsu," Gray continued, shrugging.
"Say that again, you-ah!" He choked suddenly on his last word as he grimaced in pain, interrupting his sentence. He grasped instinctively onto Gray's shirt to prevent himself from falling as his legs suddenly refused to support him any longer. He lowered his head until his forehead rested on Gray's torso, biting his lower lip as his palm pressed against the wound in his stomach.
Caught off guard, the ice mage quickly slipped a hand under his rival's armpit to help him stay upright, feeling helpless in the situation. The fire mage was practically nestled against him and didn't even seem to mind, which made Gray terribly uncomfortable.
"N-Natsu?" he tried to call out, increasing the pressure of his hand on his back to get his attention.
The only reaction he received was the sudden tightening of Natsu's grip on his clothes as he began to cough, expelling the burning liquid that had entered his mouth. The next moment, the pressure he exerted on the ice mage completely loosened and he slipped from the saving embrace of his arms, collapsing onto his knees as his legs gave out beneath him.
"Natsu!" Gray reacted just in time and slipped an arm across his shoulders before his head could hit the ground, going down on one knee in the process. Natsu's head drooped forward, his hair partially covering his face and his half-closed eyes. "NATSU!" He repeated louder, his panicked exclamation soon joined by those of the others who rushed to him.
Gently, he turned his suffocating rival onto his back to place him in a more comfortable position, supporting him behind the shoulders with caution. He wedged his head between his bent knee and his chest, keeping him as upright as possible to help him breathe. He cast a panicked look at his guildmates clustered around him, hoping for help, but they all remained frozen like statues before the improbable spectacle unfolding before them. Even Lucy couldn't muster a gesture, completely shocked.
Petrified, Gray refocused his attention on Natsu still panting in his arms. His rival's muscles were extremely tensed and he was drenched in sweat, shaking under the slight spasms assaulting his body. He was frequently moaning in pain, his groans muffled by the blood clogging his throat.
The ice mage felt so helpless that he tightened his grip around Natsu's shoulders, not knowing what else he could do to show that he was there to support him through this ordeal. He realized that this would not be enough though and added words to his gestures, encouraging him with a voice he wished was less trembling, "Natsu, hold on!"
Unfortunately, his desperate plea received no positive response; instead, the Dragon Slayer's condition continued to deteriorate until a monstrous spasm violently shook his body, causing its victim to writhe and scream in pain. As Lucy brought her hands to her lips, horrified, Gray withdrew a trembling hand from the body, feeling a warm, sticky liquid spreading on it. His expression grew even more horrified. His palm was completely covered in blood.
Natsu's blood.
"What are you waiting for, Gray?! Take him to the infirmary right away!"
Macao's intervention, as he joined them, felt like a thunderclap that reconnected all of Gray's neurons, and he complied instantly. Overcoming his panic, he slipped his other arm under his rival's knees and lifted him from the floor as gently as possible, paying special attention to his head to prevent it from falling backward. It was thus nestled against his chest and in the crook of his elbow.
He refrained from running to avoid causing more harm to his load, heading cautiously but swiftly towards the stairs. He was just a few meters away from reaching them when someone hurried downstairs, causing Gray to stop.
"Isn't it time to put an end to this racket?!" A deep voice rose a moment later, growling with annoyance. "What are you-" Makarov fell silent as he came upon Gray and his procession, all paler than ghosts, and his eyes widened. Rushing to Natsu, he placed a hand on his forehead and ordered, "Lay him down, Gray!"
"W-What? But gramps, we need to-"
"Lay him down, now! I have to see this right away! It's an order!"
The Master never used his ultimate authority without a reason, so Gray complied, kneeling to allow the old man to examine the wounded. As before, he made sure to keep Natsu upright enough so that his choking wouldn't suffocate him and waited, his heart pounding.
Makarov crouched beside them and removed hastily the makeshift bandage Natsu had applied, revealing the horrific wound it concealed. A hideous rip had opened between his abdominal muscles and shreds of purple skin hung from around it, swelling with his frantic breaths. Blood flowed in crimson trickles, spreading and staining his entire torso.
A spasm of pain wracked Natsu's body as Makarov felt the wound with his fingertips to determine its cause. The flesh had been pierced with incredible precision but continued to dissolve gradually around whatever was inside the injury, eaten away by something whose nature he did not know.
Throughout the inspection, Gray couldn't tear his eyes away from his rival, whom he still held protectively against him, utterly paralyzed. Natsu's chest heaved in sharp, abrupt movements to the rhythm of his choked breaths, between which his facial features occasionally contracted in pain as he groaned through clenched teeth. His eyelids would occasionally flicker open, a sign that he was trying with all his might to stay conscious, confronting the ice mage with two inexpressive pupils deprived of lucidity, only to disappear the next moment as a new flare of pain took hold of him. Engulfed by a panic he struggled to conceal, Gray tightened his hold around Natsu's shoulders as his condition worsened.
He felt him relax slightly and finally let his gaze leave the Dragon Slayer to rest on the Master.
The latter had withdrawn his fingers from the wound and was gazing in horror at Natsu's pain-twisted face. Through the blood filling the wound, he had distinctly seen what he dreaded to see, crushing all his hopes.
The time had already come.
The old man had fervently hoped that this day would never come, but here it was, much sooner than he had anticipated, setting on its cogs his son's tragic fate. What made him a being beyond any category, beyond even the special destiny of the Dragon Slayers, made sense now.
His life was about to veer onto a path he would want to roam alone, and that terrified him. Because he knew that Natsu would never involve them and accept their help, especially when he became aware of all the risks, and he feared he might not succeed in convincing him. He couldn't be sure how much information the boy already possessed, perhaps he had none, but as soon as he knew everything... there was no chance he would make the decision he hoped for. It was up to him, as a spiritual father, to guide him through this labyrinth and convince him that it was in everyone's interest to help. His existence wasn't the only one at stake; the future of all humanity depended on him and the success of the mission he was destined to undertake. There was a small chance that Natsu would agree if he explained it in the right way.
Yet this tiny possibility did not reassure him in the least, his feeling of injustice outweighing everything else. That such a burden should rest on the shoulders of such a young, innocent boy crushed his heart. Natsu deserved better than to see his life dismantled in this way.
Following his train of thought, he placed a gentle hand on the boy's forehead, tears in his eyes.
No one missed the gesture, but Gray was the only one close enough to see his pained expression and notice how his pupils had moistened. Makarov closed his eyes for a moment, both to control his emotions and to hide them, then removed his hand.
"You can take him to the infirmary."
"Master, you-"
"Not now, Lucy."
The slight pleading tone in his voice dissuaded the celestial mage from insisting, although her worry rose another notch. No one else dared to call on their master, least of all Gray who had been the sole witness to the tears that had almost fallen when he had sadly stared at Natsu. It was the first time he had ever seen him so distraught, and the knowledge that this expression was related to his rival worried him to no end. However, he considered it was not the time to voice his concerns; the most pressing matter now was to heal him as soon as possible.
Makarov stoop up with a wave of his hand, urging Gray to act and thereby breaking all contact with the injured. Once on his feet, he stood still for several seconds, watching distractedly as the ice mage carefully lifted Natsu's body and followed Mirajane to the infirmary. A few moments later, without a word, the old man left the room after them, heading to his office to ponder a course of action.
When everyone was out of sight, instead of following them immediately, Lucy first approached the exact spot where Gray and Natsu had been, recognizable by the imposing pool of hemoglobin they had left behind. She picked up the remnants of the blood-soaked T-shirt that had served as a bandage and clutched it in her hand, unable to take her eyes off it as her heart clenched with anguish. In addition to those depicting the deterioration of his physical condition, the images of the various expressions that had altered his facial features before he collapsed never left her mind. First his pleading look at Mirajane, then the guilt he directed at Gray as if apologizing to him... her friend was hiding something.
She looked up to observe the stairs at the top of which he had disappeared, her mind cluttered with questions and frightening hypotheses that sent shivers down her spine.
Natsu... What happened?
No matter how much she tried to convince herself that everything would be fine and that she was worrying for nothing, she couldn't shake off the strong sense that something significant was about to occur. To support this feeling, there was Makarov's abnormal behavior, of course. It was obvious that the master was aware of facts they were ignorant of, and his silence didn't help her think that it was irrelevant. He would have already satisfied their curiosity if there was nothing to worry about, and shared his information with them instead of leaving to keep it to himself. He almost seemed to be avoiding them, as if the truth was too painful to acknowledge.
Trying to ease her discomfort by pushing the bloody reminiscences of her suffering friend out of her mind, she climbed up the stairs, followed by the compassionate and worried gaze of the mages who remained patiently in the hall.
Once they reached their destination, Gray carefully laid Natsu down on the bed without taking his eyes off his still pain-twisted face, making sure to properly rest his head against the pillow. He stepped back once he had him settled and raised his hands before him, unable to tear his gaze away from the blood that covered them.
"There's a sink behind us if you like." Mirajane offered kindly, noticing his discomfort.
Gray simply nodded his thanks and made his way to wash his hands, trying his best to ignore the scarlet color the water took as soon as it made contact with his skin. He scrubbed for a good two minutes, slightly trembling as he was so uncomfortable with the thought that all this blood belonged to Natsu.
Meanwhile, Lucy had sat on the chair set by the bedside, fists clenched on her knees. She was gazing anxiously at her bedridden friend when Mirajane tenderly placed a hand on her shoulder for comfort, a gesture to which the stellar mage tried to respond with a faint smile.
"Take care of him..."
"I promise. Everything will be fine."
Lucy simply nodded, and Mirajane began to tend to her patient. Gray returned a few seconds later to lean against the wall, crossing his arms in a falsely casual stance. His eyes eventually lowered to his feet, finding it difficult to bear this heartbreaking sight of his rival as it was a constant reminder of how stressed he was by the situation. He silently brooded over his worry, stealing only a few discreet glances from time to time.
Not a word was spoken during the treatment. Mirajane began by administering painkillers to the injured, whose effects became increasingly evident as the young woman cleaned the wound. At some point his facial features relaxed into a serene and peaceful expression, which lifted the heavy hearts of the spectators. He simply looked asleep when Mirajane straightened up and wiped her forehead, drawing Gray and Lucy's attention away from their respective introspection.
"He's out of danger, don't worry."
The relief that followed this salvational diagnosis was incomparable for the two friends, who simultaneously released the tension in their muscles. Gray left his support, uncrossing his arms as he shrugged to appear indifferent.
"No one's worrying here." His retort managed to bring a smile to the celestial mage, who exchanged an amused glance with Mirajane. The two women knew perfectly well how perturbed Gray had been by what was happening to his rival, and that he was trying to save face to avoid admitting that he had been afraid for him. "I'm going to change. I'll meet you in the hall." He left the room without waiting for approval, too eager to finally rid himself of those bloodstained clothes.
Mirajane advised Lucy to let Natsu rest, and she rose from her seat, agreeing with the idea. The two of them left the infirmary, closing the door softly behind them.
After reassuring their friends about Natsu's condition, everyone resumed their activities, albeit with a certain tension lingering in the air.
In a messy office where loose papers, open books, and other administrative documents littered the floor, Makarov pondered his recent discoveries, desperate to find a solution to his inextricable dilemma. He nervously bounced a pen on the table with one hand under his chin, oblivious to the holes riddling the wood or the Council letter he was staining with black ink. He sighed occasionally during his reasoning, unable to sort through his emotions enough to think properly.
He had spent the last two hours rummaging all the documents he had that might help alleviate Natsu's burden, but found nothing. All the information they contained was already known to him, and none of them had the power to accomplish this feat, quite the opposite. All he had managed to do by searching was to recall how painful the truth was and make himself even more anxious about the moment he would have to share it with the Dragon Slayer. He had nurtured the hope that some detail he was unaware of might be hidden somewhere and change the situation, then had to face reality.
If an answer existed, he would not find it here.
He sighed again, burying his head in his hands. He would have given his life for Natsu's if he could, would have taken his place without hesitation, but he was powerless. He had no choice but to let him do as he pleased while trying to guide him in the right direction. If only he could predict what the fire mage would say and do, it would allow him to prepare a plan of action in advance, but... if there was one constant in Natsu's personality, it was his unpredictability.
Nevertheless, he eventually summoned the courage to at least go check on him, even if he was probably still unconscious. Seeing him might lift his spirits, and if he was already awake, he would have a chance to assess the situation by analyzing his behavior and words before cutting to the chase. In the hope that he wouldn't make the radical decision to impose his choices on him out of the blue.
He took a deep breath to motivate himself and gently turned the handle of the infirmary door, first casting an anxious glance inside before entering.
The silence in the room made him assume that Natsu was either still asleep or already gone, but he quickly spotted the boy on the bed against the wall opposite the door, very much awake. Sitting on the sheets and leaning against the headboard, he was looking out the window, his back turned to the newcomer who couldn't see his face. He did not notice his presence, lost in thoughts that the master feared more than anything else in the world. As a Dragon Slayer, if he had been in his normal state of mind, he would have detected him long before he reached the door. Knowing his usual vigor, his calmness was surreal and made him uncomfortable.
He eventually approached, but it was with a lump in his throat that he revealed his presence.
"Natsu?"
The latter flinched at the mention of his name and quickly brushed an arm across his cheek, worsening the old man's discomfort as he understood what this gesture meant. He did not like what it implied either because if Natsu was crying... it was undeniable proof that he knew enough about his fate to weigh heavily on his heart, which was yet one of the sturdiest there is. It took him several seconds to turn to his visitor, who approached him as slowly as possible so as not to intrude on his privacy too quickly.
The boy didn't expect to see him but remained stone-faced, merely staring into Makarov's eyes with all the composure he could muster in his emotionally unstable state.
"Gramps."
The master stopped a few meters from the bed and sat down on the chair by his bedside.
"How are you feeling?"
Natsu instinctively pressed his hand against his bandages, illustrating his question.
"I'm fine," he lied. "It still hurts a bit, but it'll pass."
Both knew perfectly well that this was not true, but were convinced that the other was unaware of this fact, making the situation all the more absurd. The nature of his injury was anything but ordinary; it would never heal on its own, and the pain would continue to intensify over time. Yet they both remained silent to avoid worrying the other, unaware that they were trying to keep a secret that was not one.
With a few groans of pain that Makarov struggled to remain stoic about, Natsu wriggled out of the sheets and sat cross-legged across from him. The master only furrowed his brow in worry as he watched him move, refraining himself from rushing to his aid.
"I have to tell you something." Natsu's declaration was so sudden that it froze his interlocutor in place. Makarov instantly regretted his lack of reaction because his silence gave Natsu free rein to continue, depriving him of any opportunity to take control of the conversation, "I'm going to leave you."
His completely impassive way of announcing this took Makarov by surprise. He could only stammer, terrified by what he might mean and by the possibility that the word leave was a synonym for die.
"W-What?"
Natsu's heart was pounding as he uttered these words, contrasting with his outward impassivity. Never had mere words hurt him so much in his entire life. It was a miracle that he managed to continue his work, the most agonizing part being to destroy the heart of the man to whom he owed everything.
"I'm leaving. For good."
"What are you talking about?!" His intervention this time was firmer than confused, a sign that the information had finally been assimilated, sending a wave of panic through the guild master. His blood ran cold, and he was so distraught at the prospect of not being able to convince him to stay that he didn't even take the time to think before speaking. "I know your situation isn't easy, but you need help! You can't just leave!" He shouted as he sprung to his feet.
Natsu didn't flinch. Not only was he not surprised that Makarov knew about what was forcing him to abandon the guild and leave, but he also had to remain as neutral as possible and not show any emotion, no matter how much he wanted to scream or burst into tears. His determination not to let go transformed despite himself into coldness, almost arrogance, and he deeply loathed himself when he retorted haughtily.
"I don't recall asking for your opinion. I'm outta here. There's nothing more to say".
His own words were so obnoxious that it made him want to vomit. He miraculously managed to stay in his role, even as the reaction of his spiritual grandfather was revealed to him in all its horror. The shock and heartbreak visible in his expression were expressed in their rawest form, and worst of all, Natsu also read fear. It was the first time he had seen him lose so much control of his emotions since he had known him, he couldn't help but blame himself for being the cause.
However, what he hated more than anything was to take advantage of his vulnerability to continue to corner him, to impose his decisions on him, thereby hurting him even more.
"I knew you would try to stop me, but I'd better warn you: if you want me to stay, you'll have to use force. So now be a good guy and leave me alone." Sarcasm was added to the arrogance as he continued threateningly, "Unless you plan to knock me out and lock me up in a guild cell? Because if you want me to stay... you have no other options. Or ask Gray, I'm sure he'd be happy to beat me up. Or just kill me right away, it'll be easi-."
"Natsu." His tone was both pleading and commanding, urging Natsu to keep quiet. It was his turn to feel cornered by the supremacy of his interlocutor, his tongue tainted with all the horrors he had just coldly spewed out. This disgusting sensation didn't leave him, even growing stronger as Makarov responded to his despicable attitude with compassion and kindness.
"There was never any question of forcing you to do anything, let alone using force to achieve it. There's no need to try so hard to look insensitive. I know how you must feel, and I'm not naive."
A crack formed in Natsu's previously infallible mask, and the Fairy Tail master took advantage of it to slip through, hoping to widen it enough to catch a glimpse of his true feelings.
"Of course," he quickly continued before the breach could close and prevent him definitively from reaching the core of his emotions, "I can't pretend to be in your shoes and you are the only master of your decisions and actions, but think carefully. Because you won't be able to turn back."
The young man still didn't answer but he did lower his eyes, encouraging Makarov to continue in an even softer and more welcoming voice.
"Anyway... whether you decide to leave or not, there're things you need to know. I don't know what you've learned on this mission to want to leave permanently, but you probably don't know the whole truth."
Even this last sentence wasn't enough to motivate him to reply, but he received proof that the message had gotten through when he noticed his fist discreetly clenching on his knee. Makarov stood up, satisfied to have succeeded in breaking through this heartbreaking image of him torturing himself to display this haughty attitude that suited him so poorly.
"Come see me when you're ready to hear it. I can assure you it will help you achieve your goal and see things more clearly." He was about to leave, but his foster son's defeated look stopped him in his tracks, and he added at the last moment, "I'll let you think about it. But please... don't hide behind this condescension, it doesn't suit you, and you don't need it. Don't do yourself any more harm by forcing yourself like this."
He had hoped this time to get a reaction, any reaction, but Natsu still had his eyes fixed on his hands, looking dejected. Makarov approached this time and attempted physical contact, placing a warm hand on his own.
"You're allowed to falter from time to time; I'm here to guide you, not to judge you. Let me repay you for all you've done for us."
Although the young man still didn't raise his head, Makarov knew that his words had managed to reach his heart because shortly after, tears began to trickle one by one from his lowered eyes. In a final token of fatherly love, the old man tenderly slid a hand into his hair and brought his forehead close to his until they touched, closing his eyelids for more intimacy with the boy's vulnerability. He cried silently for a moment, then Makarov left the infirmary with a final, compassionate glance at him, preferring his presence not to enclose him in a restraint he didn't need.
A second after he closed the door, faint but evident sobs joined the tears inside the small room.
It took him thirty good minutes to silence his tears, and an additional two hours to calm his distress enough so that it was no longer visible on his face or in his behavior. Fortunately, none of his friends had come to disturb him during his emotional turmoil, and no one except Makarov was aware of his decision to leave. He had mulled his words over and over again, considering all the possibilities available to him, and had come to the conclusion that it would be foolish not to inquire about the information he possessed that could facilitate the success of his goals. Especially since he had nothing left to hide now that he had been so shamefully exposed by his master despite his efforts to conceal his emotions.
He sighed, both defeated and relieved of a burden. Knowing that he would not have to hide anymore, that he would just have to be himself to get what he wanted, made him feel so much better. Even if the master probably would not just confess everything without trying to convince him to stay, he was sure that he would at least respect his final decision, whatever it may be, which greatly eased his burden. That didn't stop him from being terrified of what he might have to tell him about this whole story.
He tried as best as he could to sort through his emotions and was about to get up when the door cracked open, revealing Mirajane's worried face in the doorway. Her expression quickly turned to relief when she saw him conscious again.
"Natsu! You should rest!"
The fire mage turned to her, once again feeling cornered by the young woman's benevolent gaze Her gentleness gave him the irresistible urge to throw himself into her wake and experience her warmth once more, but he controlled himself just in time before she noticed his brief moment of confusion. His distress was concealed by a radiant smile that betrayed nothing of his turmoil.
"Hey, Mira! Don't worry, I feel great! I could knock Gray out in no time!"
"You still lost a lot of blood; don't push yourself too hard."
"Don't worry, I'll be fine."
The difference in tone between this sentence and the previous one alerted Mirajane, who couldn't help but ensure, concerned:
"Natsu... if something was wrong, you'd tell me, right?"
The fire mage refrained from flinching at this question and quickly dodged it, unable to bear the idea of openly lying to her when she was so kind and compassionate.
"Why would anything be wrong?"
"I don't know, earlier, before you... well, you seemed like you wanted to tell me something."
He remembered that moment perfectly, similar to the one he had experienced a few seconds earlier. His heart begged him to tell her everything and beg for her help, but his common sense told him to stay away from them, even if it meant suffering the ultimate agony. It was a dilemma without being one, because he would never intentionally do them any harm by dragging them into his story.
He would not be able to leave freely if his friends eventually had knowledge of his situation. This time he had no choice but to lie, adding a significant weight to his torment.
"It doesn't ring a bell."
If Mirajane had noticed that he was lying, she didn't show it. In either case, Natsu was relieved not to perpetuate the lie, as she nodded without asking him to confirm his answer.
"Okay. I just wanted to make sure." She didn't take her eyes off the young man, and added, "But if you ever feel like it... don't hesitate, okay?"
"Sure. Thanks, Mira."
Mirajane nodded in approval, although his unusual composure actually made her uncomfortable. His accommodating attitude, full of attentiveness and gratitude, made her feel that he was hiding an important fact, a fact that made him feel guilty and that he could not tell anyone about.
Whenever he seemed about to tell her something, he changed his mind at the last moment, as if he suddenly remembered that he had to keep the truth under wraps. She was afraid that he was actually being forced by someone else not to say anything, but if that was the case, she would have to find out by herself. It would be inconceivable to force Natsu to reveal information that could have serious repercussions for him or for the guild.
"Alright. I'll let the others know you're awake."
"Wait." She turned around, surprised and also hopeful that he would decide to talk to her about what was bothering him so much. Unfortunately, he only asked her with an embarrassed look, "Can you wait a little longer before telling them? I'd like to take a shower before everyone barges in here."
"Yes, of course. It can wait an hour."
Just enough time for him to go see Makarov one last time, meet up with Happy, and leave for good.
"See you later," she concluded, heading for the door. "Call me if you need anything."
Natsu watched her leave, his heart heavy as he realized that their final exchange had just ended. He lowered his eyes and then closed them, devastated.
Farewell, Mira.
He resisted the urge to cry by biting his lower lip. If time had allowed, he would have stayed longer to come to terms with the idea of leaving his family and his only home forever, to bid them farewell properly—without revealing the truth, of course—, but he didn't have that luxury. Yet he would have loved to immerse himself in their presence one last time, to feel them close before the final separation, to show them how much he loved them... parting from this happiness would have been even harder, but he would have felt less like betraying them.
He had to face facts, though. Now that Makarov knew everything, he couldn't afford to wait. Every minute he spent here would be time that the master could use to find a way to convince him to change his mind. Besides, he couldn't be sure he wouldn't end up telling everything to the rest of the guild, which would be the worst-case scenario.
No. It was now or never.
As soon as he had spoken with Makarov, he would leave alone to fulfill his destiny... and never return.
Autor's note : I hope this first chapter will whet your appetite for the rest. In 20 years I've had the opportunity to improve, hence the need to rewrite everything.
In any case, don't hesitate to leave me a review, even a short one, to tell me what you thought of it! I'm really open to criticism, so don't go easy on me :).
Thank you for reading!