AN: This is another fic I posted on AO3 awhile back and didn't post here.

Even most of my more depressing fics have a happy ending. This one really doesn't. It's based on the song Kate McCannon by Colter Wall. If you've heard the song, then you know exactly what happens in this fic. This fic was entirely inspired by the song, and the fact that we have no idea about anything when it comes to JJ's mom. I highly recommend you listen to the song, and if you decide to read, I hope you enjoy.

youtube watch?v=B7E8n7I6IHw

It had been six months since Big John disappeared. JJ tried not to dwell on the ache in his chest. After all, John B was the one who deserved to feel that grief, not JJ. But he would've been lying if he said he didn't feel it almost as acutely as his best friend did. After all, Big John had been a better dad to him than his own, and everyone knew it. So JJ tried to be there for John B, to not make it about him, to never even bring up how much he missed the man too. It wasn't about him, and he didn't deserve to feel like he'd lost his dad when his actual father was right there. He should have been grateful that his own dad was still around while John B's was gone. But it was hard to be grateful when he flinched at every sudden movement, and Luke was the reason why.

Still, Luke was there, and he could even tell that JJ wasn't okay. Maybe he even cared. Why else would he have asked his son "what the hell's goin' on with you" on the day that marked six months since Big John's disappearance?

JJ tried to keep his face passive, to not show his surprise that Luke was asking him a question about his feelings and seemed genuinely curious instead of exasperated.

"John B's dad's been gone for six months today," JJ replied, unable to keep all of the sorrow out of his voice.

"And why the hell do you care?" Luke asked as he took another swig from the open bottle of tequila on the table next to him. He didn't look as curious now. He looked like he was testing JJ, like he wanted a specific answer. But how was JJ supposed to know what that answer was?

"I just miss him is all," JJ carefully, truthfully responded. How could there have been anything wrong with missing the man? He was JJ's friend, and Luke had seemed grateful in the past to not have to take care of JJ, since Big John did it instead.

It was still the wrong answer.

"Why should you miss him?" Luke asked, his face slowly turning to anger. "It's John B that should miss him, not you. You still have a father, he doesn't." Luke abruptly pushed himself up from the kitchen table, the chair squeaking on the floor and JJ flinching with a step back. "What the hell gives you the right to miss him? You've got a daddy right here! He wasn't your father, I am!" he shouted, taking a few lumbering steps towards his son.

JJ dropped his eyes to the ground and pulled his arms in towards himself as he took another step back. Luke was drunk in the middle of the day again. JJ shouldn't have come back, he should've just gone home with John B instead, but he didn't, and now he was going to pay for it.

"I know," JJ said, keeping his gaze respectfully - fearfully - lowered. His hands came up slightly as if to protect himself, but it was a useless gesture. He could never truly defend himself against his father.

"Then why do you care?" Luke grabbed a fistful of his hair and shoved him against the wall, ignoring the whimper that it elicited. He held JJ there with an arm across his throat, breathing the hot stench of tequila into his face. "You want him to be your daddy instead? You think you deserve better?"

"No, Dad, I-."

"Shut up!" Luke threw a fist into JJ's stomach, keeping him upright with his arm still across his neck. "You stupid little bitch!" He dropped one arm and hit JJ in the jaw with the other fist, knocking him to the floor. JJ immediately curled in on himself, but as usual, it did little to protect him from his father's rage. "You're just like your mother, just as ungrateful and selfish as she was."

So that was it. It all came back to his mom, as it often did. JJ was cursed with looking like her, having the same hair and eyes and laugh and everything, according to Luke. He was seemingly cursed with being just like her in every single possible way, if what Luke said was true. JJ couldn't remember her well enough to know. All he remembered was the day he realized she really wasn't coming back for him, years after she'd been gone. That was the day he grew up.

"You'd leave just like she would've," Luke said, his words beginning to slur together. "Find someone you think is better and run off like the cheating bitch you are." He kicked at JJ's chest, knocking the wind out of him and laying him out on his back. Luke dropped down on top of him and wrapped his hands around JJ's throat. "Why'd she have to talk herself out of the abortion?"

If tears hadn't already sprung to JJ's eyes at the feeling of his oxygen supply being cut off, his dad's words would've done it. Luke had told him he'd wished that he'd been aborted before, but never that his mom had actually considered it.

JJ grabbed at his dad's hands, trying to pry them away from his neck as he choked, but Luke's grip was too strong. He tried to push Luke away, but his strength was fading too much to get a solid punch. He kicked at the air, trying to do anything to get his father off him. Nothing worked. Luke stared down at him with hate in his eyes. What had JJ done to have his dad hate him that much? Be born?

"Fifteen years too late, but maybe I'll fix that right now," Luke growled at him, his grip seemingly strengthening as JJ's vision faded and struggles weakened. His dad was really gonna do it this time. This was the time he wouldn't stop. "I could kill you just like I killed your mama."

Barely a moment passed before the unadulterated hatred in Luke's eyes faded, his grip on his son's throat doing the same. He let go of JJ and sat up, looking away as guilt filled his drunken gaze. JJ coughed and sputtered as he heaved lungfuls of air, his throat burning and tears streaming down his face. What had his dad said? He killed his mom?

"Wh-what?" JJ choked out as Luke stood up and grabbed the tequila bottle once again, taking several massive gulps. He didn't answer. "She ran off with a guy," JJ insisted, every syllable burning. Luke had always told him that his mom had run off with some fisherman. A bunch of her stuff had been gone from the house, so it made enough sense to him.

Luke remained silent. Clutching the bottle like it was going to run away, Luke stumbled out of the house and to his truck. JJ was terrified for everyone else on the road who could encounter his drunk driving father, but he was grateful that at least his dad wasn't hurting him anymore. But what had he been saying?

Luke was just drunk and didn't know what he was saying. That's why he said he killed her, why he said JJ should've been aborted, that he was a stupid bitch, a worthless piece of shit, a waste of space, a-. Luke was just drunk or high or angry or depressed or something and didn't know what he was saying, didn't mean what he was saying. He loved JJ, he had to.

He had to.

Right?

Luke stumbled onto the secluded beach, the sand bare of anyone except him. The ground seemed to shift beneath his feet, as if he were walking on a boat on rough seas instead of solid ground. As his feet sank unevenly into the sand, Luke stumbled and tripped, falling to his knees. He stayed there, bringing the bottle to his lips. He drained the last drop. The bottle was empty now, just like he was. Luke was empty, having poured out all his poison onto his son, just as the bottle had poured all its poison into him. The difference was that Luke chose the poison, JJ didn't.

His kid didn't deserve it, Luke knew that. He just couldn't stop himself. He was the worthless piece of shit, not JJ. But it didn't matter. Luke knew he wasn't ever going to change, and he'd given up on trying. JJ was better for it anyway, he was learning how to be tough and handle the endless pain that life was going to throw at him. Life was nothing but pain, and Luke was just teaching him that early. JJ should've been grateful for the lesson.

But JJ was an ungrateful little bitch who left him for another man.

No, no, that wasn't JJ. That was Kate. Kate, with her eyes as blue as the sea and hair as golden as a wheat field. JJ was the spitting image of her. Luke saw her eyes every time he looked at his stupid kid, especially when they were filled with tears and terror, just like Kate's had been the last time he saw her.

Luke sighed and dropped the bottle, then fell back on his heels, staring out at the sea. This was where it all happened: their beginning, and their end. Luke gazed down the beach to a small outcropping of rocks. That's where he first saw her, Kate. Luke closed his eyes, and he was back there again.

A much younger Luke hid behind the rocks, watching the naked girl as she swam. He'd never seen anyone else on this beach before. It was off the roughest end of the Cut, no one ever went there but him. The surfing wasn't good there, but it was a good place to drink and smoke in peace and quiet. And yet there was a beautiful blonde around his age, swimming naked. Who was Luke to not watch?

He didn't even move as the girl swam up onto the beach and walked over to the rocks. Luke didn't care that she was going to see him as she grabbed for her towel and clothes. He let her wrap the towel around her perfect body before he announced himself.

"Well ain't you just the prettiest girl in the whole damn Cut, that ain't no lie," he said, smiling as the girl shrieked and clutched the towel around herself.

"What the hell?" she screamed at him as he stood up and walked towards her, stopping a few yards away.

"Sorry," Luke said around a chuckle. He didn't mean it. "I've never seen anyone out here before, especially you. I'm Luke Maybank. How have I never met you before?" It was a genuine question. On the Cut, everyone knew everyone else.

"Moved out from my folks down in Ocracoke, moved in with family here in Kildare," she responded. She was still clutching the towel around herself with a firm grip, but her face had lost the fear and anger. Her eyes were as perfectly clear and blue as the sea and sky behind her.

"You shoulda stayed in Ocracoke," he replied with a laugh. "But I guess I'm glad ya didn't." Luke shrugged, his smile growing wider when she smiled. "You got a name?" he asked.

"Kate," she answered.

"Pretty name for a pretty girl," Luke said, laying on the charm as best he could. Kate smiled and looked away, but didn't respond. "What say you and me go and grab some grub? Lots of cheap bars with cheaper food around here. I could show ya anythin' around here, if ya want," he offered. He didn't know how recently she'd moved to Kildare, but it couldn't have been that long, since he'd never seen her before.

"Okay," Kate replied after a moment with a smile and a slight shrug. "You gotta turn around and let me get dressed first though," she added.

"Why? I already seen everythin'," Luke said, but turned around anyway. He was already lucky enough that she hadn't called the cops on him for watching her swim naked - it wouldn't have been the first time he interacted with Kildare's finest because of his wandering eyes - and he didn't want to push it, at least not yet.

A few moments later, Luke and Kate were walking through the Cut together, Luke regaling her with all the stories and tall tales he could muster of what life was like in Kildare. She told him time and time again that it wasn't as if she were new to the Outer Banks, just new to Kildare Island specifically - Ocracoke was in the southern end of the OBX, about two hours south of Kildare - but Luke tried to make it seem like some grand new thing that he was an expert on and she hadn't experienced. Anything to get her to be interested in him at all.

Somehow, it worked. Luke and Kate started dating, and things were going really well. Luke even got a real, honest job, and every day he'd save a quarter of his pay so he could buy a diamond ring. That was something he never thought he'd do. Marriage had never been something that Luke had considered, much less believed that he would ever truly aspire to. But there was just something about Kate. He couldn't let her go, and he certainly couldn't ever let her be with any other man. So marriage it was.

Their wedding was just as small and cheap as the rundown shack they called home. It was more of a drunken rager than anything resembling a wedding reception, but that was just fine with Luke. He didn't care for all that kook crap like Mike Carrera did, getting together with Anna. But that didn't matter. All that mattered was Kate, and that she was Luke's forever.

Their life together was perfect. She had a bad relationship with her family back in Ocracoke - that being the whole reason she moved in with cousins in Kildare - so Luke didn't have to worry about them getting in the way, and the only family he had was a half-brother and little nephew, his own mother dead from an overdose and father out of the picture years earlier. It was just the two of them, and that's all that Luke wanted. He didn't want things to change, but change they did.

Luke stared down in disbelief at the positive pregnancy test. All he felt was annoyance.

"I'll take ya to the clinic tomorrow," he grumbled with a roll of his eyes.

"I don't know," Kate slowly replied. "We probably should, but I just don't know. I know I said I didn't want kids, but maybe it could be fun. I'm scared too, but I'm sure we can do this together."

"I ain't scared," Luke said, offended that she would even suggest that he was scared of having a child. "We just can't afford it and you know that. I'm barely keepin' the lights on in this damn place and you think we can add a stupid kid to the mix? We're barely stayin' afloat with you workin' as much as me, you think we could live at all when you're too pregnant to work? When the damn kid comes and you stay home with it? It's not like we got family to babysit and we sure as hell can't afford childcare." Luke scoffed and shook his head. He couldn't believe she was even considering this. "No, I'm drivin' you to the clinic tomorrow. We're gettin' rid of it, and that's final," he said, his voice firm.

Kate sighed in exasperation. "I'll think about it," she said.

Luke rolled his eyes and walked away towards the fridge. He wasn't in the mood to argue about it. Besides, it wasn't like she had to get the abortion the very next day, just soon. Give her a few days to let it sink in and realize just how screwed they were, and she'd go without him to get rid of the damn thing. Luke grabbed another beer from the fridge. He didn't have anything to worry about.

But the days went by, and she didn't go by herself like he thought she would.

"Ain't it time yet?" he directly asked her one day. "It's only gonna get harder the more ya let it grow."

"Luke, I don't think I want to," Kate replied. Her voice was small and hesitant. "I think I wanna keep him."

"Him?" Luke asked in disbelief. He got up from the table and rolled his eyes, grabbing another beer and taking several healthy swallows.

"Yeah, him," Kate repeated, her voice stronger, indignant. Disrespectful. "I feel like it's a boy."

"I don't damn well care what you feel like," he scoffed, walking up to her. "And we're gettin' rid of it, now." Luke grabbed Kate's thin wrist and started dragging her towards the door.

"Luke! Stop!" she shouted, pulling away from him.

Luke let go of her wrist and slapped her across the face.

The two stood there, silent. Kate's hand held her face, while Luke stared at her in anger. He shouldn't have done that, but she just wasn't listening, wasn't behaving. She knew damn well they couldn't afford a kid and yet she was determined to keep it anyway and ruin their lives. Just the two of them, things were hard, but they could make it, and that was all that mattered. They could not make it with a third. Still, he shouldn't have hit her. That was wrong and he knew it.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't've done that."

Kate looked up at him, her hand falling back down and angry tears in her eyes. "Don't you ever touch me again," she said. "You can't force me to get an abortion. We're keeping him, and that, my dear, is final," she seethed.

Luke's hands clenched into fists, but he walked away before he could do something stupid and hit her again. He walked past his beer and grabbed the tequila, and took a big swing from the bottle. Luke turned and glared at her. She glared right on back.

Not even eight months later, the stupid kid was born, and Kate insisted they call him JJ. Luke didn't care, he couldn't even always remember what those letters were supposed to stand for. Their power had been shut off for the first time when Kate had to go on bedrest due to pregnancy complications. JJ had been causing problems before he was even born. The baby became Kate's entire world. It was all she cared about, Luke be damned. Luke hated JJ.

But then JJ would look up at Luke with his big blue eyes, identical to Kate's. Luke didn't hate JJ. JJ was his son. His. And as JJ started to grow, Luke saw his own nose and jawline forming in the little boy, his own penchant for getting into trouble and causing problems. Luke loved JJ. So what, they couldn't afford to keep the power on in the house all the time anymore. There was more to life than that.

Until JJ got sick. Meningitis or something stupid like that. They didn't have insurance, it wasn't as if they could afford the thousands of dollars of medical bills the stupid kid was costing them, but Kate insisted. Even after they argued and screamed at each other until they were both blue in the face and Luke had hit her again, Kate insisted that they do everything they could for JJ, and that was that. But they needed money, and Luke's low paying job at the scrapyard wasn't going to cut it.

He'd done some minor stuff in the past, but it was time to move some heavier weight. That would get them the money they needed for JJ's hospital bills, and to keep the lights on in the house. So that's what Luke did. He even got a beautiful boat called the Phantom to do it. The more weight he moved, the more money he got. The more weight he moved, the more square groupers he met, like Barracuda Mike. The more weight he moved, the more weight he had access to himself.

The high from cocaine was twenty times better than weed.

When Luke got coked out, he didn't care much anymore that they'd blown through all the money he'd made on the hospital bills. He didn't care that all that was left he blew on cocaine. He didn't care that the lights were off again and Kate was screaming at him and JJ was crying. He didn't care that he hit his wife again. And again. And again. It was so much easier to not care.

Luke loved not caring. And he loved that he didn't care about what he did when he didn't care. Kate didn't like it, but screw her and screw the dumb kid. If they wanted to ruin his life, then Luke wasn't going to care. It was their fault, not his.

Things were different between Luke and his wife now, and Luke didn't like it. When he did care, he noticed that she was so distant from him. Something was off with her, and she wouldn't say what.

One day, Luke came home from a drop, his revolver still tucked into the back of his old jeans. Kate wasn't inside, and neither was JJ. He did a quick line of not caring. Some feeling, some mix of dread and certainty pooled in Luke's gut as he headed for the beach where he and Kate met. He walked silently through the trees to the deserted beach, and stopped at the treeline. The moon shone brightly over the water, illuminating the whole beach and giving Luke the perfect view to see his darling angel with some other lover.

What was she doing? How could she betray him like that? After all he'd done for her, she was sleeping with another man on the very beach that the two of them had first met. How dare she?

Luke felt his face twist into an angry snarl as everything happened faster than he could stop it. Hands curling into fists. Heart rate spiking up. Blood rushing in his ears. Three quick steps towards them. Pulling the pistol from his pants. Pulling the trigger.

The man was dead. He turned to Kate. Terror swam with the tears in her eyes as she shook her head and whispered 'no'.

Luke put three rounds into her chest.

As the echo of the gunshots faded out from Luke's ears, the sound of crying grew. Luke dragged his eyes away from the bloody bodies on the beach and over to the sound. JJ was sitting there, in his stroller, crying. Of course the noise of the gunshots had woken the toddler.

Shit. The gunshots. Luke turned back to the bodies. The fucking bodies. The man's eyes were open, unseeing, as were Kate's. They were dead. Luke had killed them. Luke had murdered his wife and the other man.

Luke breathed and listened. JJ's cries fell silent as he fell back asleep, completely ignorant to what had just transpired around him. The crickets chirped, owls hooted, and the waves crashed gently over the shore. Blood stained the sand where Luke had first met Kate those years earlier. He turned and left back to the shack of a house, leaving the bodies and JJ behind on the beach. There was no going back from what he'd done. Now, he had to live with it, and that meant getting rid of it.

A few hours later, Luke was on the Phantom, having dragged the bodies onto it, and brought along with him cement blocks and rope. It didn't take long to sail out into open ocean, and it took even less time to wrap the rope around the bodies. The man went into the ocean without a second thought. Kate was next. Luke looked at her, his dead wife. The wife he murdered. He picked her up in his arms, and caressed her face one last time.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, then gently lowered her body over the edge, and into the water. With a deep breath, Luke grabbed the cement block and tossed it over the edge. Kate was gone in an instant. Luke closed his eyes and ran his hands over his face. What had he done?

Luke looked over at JJ, still asleep in the stroller - he hadn't wanted to leave him alone on the beach any longer - and back at the water. How was he supposed to raise the stupid kid on his own? He hadn't even wanted him. It would be so easy to just dump the whole damn stroller over the side into the ocean too. Luke marched over to it and grabbed the stroller, and pulled it to the edge of the boat. He began to lift it up, then stopped, gazing at the face of his sleeping son. He lowered it back down to the deck. Maybe it wasn't so easy. JJ hadn't asked for any of this. It wasn't his fault. It was his bitch mother's fault, and she was gone now.

Luke sighed and sat down. "Guess it's just you and me now, kid," he said. JJ slept on.

Shaking his head, Luke tossed the backpack containing the gun and some of Kate's things into the ocean. When people asked, he would say that she took off with the guy to go start a new life together on the mainland or some shit like that. Good thing she didn't have family to wonder.

By the time Luke arrived back at the house, the sun had peeked over the horizon, bathing the sky in a gentle yellow glow. The birds were singing and the air was cool with a light breeze. Luke put the stroller with his sleeping son into the house, then walked back to the beach again. The high tide had already washed away the blood. Luke fell to his knees by the rocks where he first ever saw his beautiful Kate. She was gone, and it was his fault. What had he done?

A much older Luke looked out over the water, and saw Kate in his mind, just as she was the first time. The image changed to her corpse. Luke scrubbed at his eyes and blinked back tears. The image changed to JJ, looking up at him with the same fear that he had seen in Kate, right before he killed her. He had almost killed his son more times than he could count. Luke sighed and hung his head, letting the tears fall. What had he done?

When Luke returned to the house he now called home, only slightly better than the old shack he used to live in with Kate, there was already another car by it that he could see through the treeline. The beat up VW bus was there. Luke stopped his truck a ways away from the house and rolled down his windows. He watched from the road as the door opened and JJ walked out, practically being held up by Big John's kid. Luke could hear his son sobbing about his mother to his friend as the boy held him and helped him. He waited for the VW van to drive off before he pulled his own truck up to the house.

A moment later, Luke sat back at the kitchen table, whiskey in one hand, small white baggie in the other. When he closed his eyes, he saw his terrified son. He tossed back several shots of whiskey, and breathed in the cocaine. He wouldn't care.

Luke sighed.

What had he done?

He did care.