Disclaimer: Nope still not mine.
Drowning
Most days Hermione Granger slept like the dead. She had enough to do during the day to keep her thoughts from wandering to the past, first the reconstruction project at Hogwarts that she had enthusiastically thrown herself into and then later after she had started her missed seventh year at Hogwarts NEWT's to study for. There was so much going on and so many things to make up for that she couldn't afford not to.
Of course no one knew that she was using Dreamless Sleep potion to accomplish this feat of sleeping soundly. It was very much her little secret.
It was a regular pattern and Hermione liked patterns, had always enjoyed the steadiness of knowing a neat and organized routine. Get up in the morning, eat breakfast, go to class, eat lunch, then more classes, then dinner, homework and chat with friends who had returned to Hogwarts. Then her potion and the bliss of a night of sleep without dreams.
On occasions when she didn't have her potion it was never a good night. Those were days of silencing charms around her bed, of thrashing and screaming until her throat was hoarse and she could jerk fully awake out of her dreams. People did not need to know, Lavender and Parvati, between the potions and the silencing charms, knew nothing. It was best to keep it that way.
It wasn't until late in October, when she fell asleep in the common room and was woken out of a nightmare that anyone knew her secret. As she lay on the couch, one of her books propped up beside her, she felt herself nodding off. The dream came back with full force, her body reacting as though still under a spell.
She was lying on the ground as intense pain rolled over her, the screams torn from her throat before she could help herself. No amount of pleading, no cries of mercy ever enough for the pitiless monster standing over her. It wouldn't end, she couldn't get away and it took everything for her to answer the questions put to her.
Hermione was going to die, she would die on the floor, screaming to satisfy the anger of a demon in human form. There was no amount of pleading that would stop it, no mercy that would be given, just misery, pain and hopefully death at the end of it all.
Hands reached for her then, large hands pulling her up as she screamed and fought. "Hermione," the owner of the hands called. "Hermione wake up!"
"Tell me where you found it Mudblood? Tell me how you got into my vault!"
"Hermione!"
Overwhelming sensations caused her distress. She pulled away from the hands and toppled off the sofa, her eyes flying open to take in the Gryffindor common room and a very worried looking Neville Longbottom standing over her.
"Hermione!" he repeated. "You were having a nightmare. It's over now, Hermione."
Heart racing madly, Hermione looked up at him. "A nightmare," she repeated sitting up.
"Yes," Neville said. His eyes were filled with concern as he reached down and pulled her to her feet. "Just a nightmare. You're safe."
Hermione stared at him for a moment in silence. "I'm sorry Neville," she told him. "I don't mean to worry you."
"Hermione don't apologize," he told her. "There were a lot of people in the DA who had them last year. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Nothing to be ashamed of," she repeated feeling dazed. "Right. Of course, Neville."
Hermione sank down on the sofa. Neville took a seat beside her, his round face still looking worried. "If need be, I'm always here for you.":
"Thank you Neville," she said to him. She was still breathing fast, her heart racing. Hermione looked at the crackling fire for a moment. "I will just go to bed after I clean up my books," she told him. There was silence for a moment, then Neville nodded.
"Good night, Hermione."
9
Harry and Ron had not come back to Hogwarts that year and the castle felt strange without them. Classes spent with the regular seventh years and the students who had come back to attend their seventh year felt empty without them there by her side, talking and laughing and filling in the awful empty silence.
Yet Hermione felt she was juggling things well. The routine kept up day after day. Her marks were good, none of her professors complaining, there was nothing to disturb her as long as she had her potion.
The classes and studying filled her mind so she couldn't think of anything more insidious. It wasn't until she was getting ready for bed that the dark memories came flooding back. A little potion would keep them all at bay.
If Neville looked at her a little more carefully at the breakfast table the next day after her nightmare nothing was ever said about it.
8
So the routine continued into November and the courseload got more difficult and ate up more and more of Hermione's time. She liked it that way, it filled the days and kept her thoughts steady. When she was busy she had no time to think about the nightmares and when she had her potion she had no reason to worry about nightmares.
The weather grew cold and miserable as she made her way back from the greenhouses one day. As she walked she saw Draco Malfoy ahead of her. He did not walk with his usual swagger anymore, she had noticed, but simply kept to himself and made his way to his classes, not making eye contact with anyone or even talking. Hermione felt a rush of anger as she thought back to the previous year, to her screaming and all that pain and he was there and did nothing…she squeezed her eyes shut and stilled for a moment.
"Hermione!" Neville said her name then and the moment was gone as she turned to look at him. He was very red in the face from the cold. It struck Hermione as she looked at him that he had gotten very tall compared to the short boy she had known for six years.
"It's alright Neville," she said softly. "I just needed a moment." With that she turned and walked inside, leaving Neville to stare after her.
There were moments when the busy schedule was broken into by the pain, the searing hot pain of the blade against her throat and digging into her skin, and the waves of the Cruciatus consuming her as she lay screaming on the floor. She used her busy schedule like an anchor as she weathered the storm, the potions bitter to her tongue as she consumed them nightly so she wouldn't dream.
Dreams were broken things, harsh moments where every bad thing came to the surface, the pain tearing into her body and her horrible screams maddening in their intensity.
Hermione craved the dreamless nights where she slept like the dead, the hours of reprieve that she couldn't even fully get during the day. To dream was her great fear and the occasions she did dream were filled with anguish. She could only think in fragments during them, fractured thoughts in between begging and pleading for mercy that would never come.
Neville sat next to her at the Gryffindor table the day before the holidays started. They talked about Herbology, his eyes bright with the discussion of a new plant they would be learning about after break. He had already started to study ahead, always the diligent Herbology student.
Hermione later found her last bottle of potion had accidentally spilled in her trunk. She desperately went through her things in search of more but it was a fruitless effort. Small comfort that Parvati and Lavender would not be there so she need not worry too much about charming her bed so her screams wouldn't be heard.
She charmed her bed that last night before break and lucky she did. The dreams came fiercely, as though thirsting for an opportunity to make up for lost time. Screaming, blood, a knife against her skin and a feeling of intense pain. She wanted to die…she didn't care how it happened as long as she got a reprieve. The skull-like face looking at her in anger as she cursed Hermione again and again.
More dreams came that night, memories of that terrible horcrux hunting trip. She couldn't make them stop…she was going to die and Harry and Ron were going to die and it was all her fault. She was weak…she couldn't even lie right to Bellatrix…somewhere it went from thoughts in her head to shouts.
"Get off me!" More cries escaping. She was trapped, the locket horcrux attached to her like a vice, the chain trying to strangle her, her throat bloody from Bellatrix's knife…it was over…she was drowning…she couldn't breathe.
Somehow the sheets had caught around her throat. Disentangling them she breathed in large lungful's of air. Getting unsteadily to her feet she stared in front of her for a moment, her eyes seeing nothing but the nightmares implanted in her mind. Then she went to her trunk and began pulling out her belongings. There had to be another potion…she needed the dreamless sleep, craved the oblivion it brought to her. Nothing. For a second she thought of asking Madame Pomfrey or Professor Slughorn for one. She dismissed that thought. Hermione did not need her desperation to show to anyone else.
Eventually she threw on her dressing gown and went to the common room. She was still there several hours later, both unable and unwilling to sleep, staring at the fire as she heard her name called.
It was Neville again, up early to go to the greenhouses one last time before he left for his home. She tried to smile as he came to sit in an armchair by her.
"Are you sleeping alright Hermione?" he asked her.
"As well as I can Neville," she told him. "Most days are fine. Some are harder than others of course."
Neville nodded. "Understandable," he said. "You work too hard," he added. "Sometimes you should just take time for yourself to relax. Not everything has to be on your shoulders."
"I could say the same for you," she said smiling. "The last year you were pretty busy at the school."
Neville grinned at her. "Just trying to pick up where Harry left off," he told her. "It was not as great as all he has done but it did manage to raise the morale a bit, especially with the younger years."
"You did a great job," Hermione replied. She continued to smile back at him. "You should be proud of yourself."
"So should you," Neville told her. "You need to relax and have time to yourself."
"Well, there is always next year," Hermione said.
Hermione stayed for Christmas at Hogwarts. On the morning of she found herself in the possession of a beautiful plant with white blossoms. The peace lily (Spathiphyllum) a simple muggle plant known for its calming effect. A simple note read "If need be, I'm always here for you. Happy Christmas, Neville."
When Hermione woke screaming that night the sight of those flower cheered her immensely.
9
When Neville came back something seemed to shift. He took to pairing with her in class, his presence beside her a comforting effect. They ate together in the Great Hall and walked to classes they shared together. Hermione found she did like having him around. He had been her first friend in Hogwarts even before Harry and Ron. He seemed to have grown into himself the past few years, still quiet and gentle but no longer the nervous, fretful boy he had been.
She had her stock of potions that had come, classes to attend, NEWTs to prepare for and Neville to talk to. That made the time pass nicely.
"It was only a nightmare," she told him one day in February as they strolled through the grounds. "Nothing I can't handle."
"There you are again," he told her. "Thinking you need to handle everything all alone. As though you don't have friends here to listen and let you talk."
"You do let me talk," she told him. "I appreciate it too. Harry and Ron never listened half as much."
"You talk about things like school," he said to her. "Or Harry or the Weasley's. What you don't talk about is yourself, how you are holding up. You don't need to bottle things up."
"I'm not trying to," she told him. In that moment she really felt as though this were true. She told him enough. If she was drowning, she would not drag someone as decent as Neville Longbottom down with her. In the end, the nightmares were her own alone to deal with.
She felt it at night as the dorms got quiet and she pulled out her potion. The dark thoughts swirling around, ready to take form into nightmares if she didn't have her potion handy. The screams and the pain. She had heard that the potion was addictive, had been aware that long-term use of the potion could hamper her health but she couldn't see an alternative.
Bellatrix Lestrange haunted her dreams, watching her as she thrashed on the floor, her face pitiless and her eyes flashing fire. Nothing Hermione said or did would make the pain go away. She felt like she was going to die, and wanted to die if it would make the pain stop. Her dreams shifted and distorted to show her Bellatrix standing over her with Slytherin's locket.
"Now you get to wear it and have it suck out your soul," she told Hermione. "For what a filthy soul like yours is even worth." Hermione struggled and unable to get up crawled along the floor away from her, desperate not to have that locket around her neck ever again but it was too late. The heavy, hateful locket was back and it was on her neck, weighing her down. She woke up in a panic and felt her neck, bare of any jewelry, her heart thudding loudly.
She lay in bed craving her sleep potion and feeling disoriented and miserable for the rest of the night. The next morning Neville fixed her tea at the Gryffindor table.
"It's Saturday," he said by way of opening the conversation. "Why don't we have a walk in the grounds after breakfast? I have something I wanted to ask you."
Hermione agreed and an hour later they walked across the grounds as he told her of his plan. His grandmother wanted him to come home for Easter and he had asked if Hermione could accompany him. Hermione wanted to say no, that it was too near to exams but as his hand took one of hers she felt herself saying yes. Something about his look, as though he were just trying to be a friend and not judge her, something so quintessentially Neville, made her agree.
It was this that found Hermione apparating to the large home that Neville shared with his grandmother. She was greeted warmly by Augusta, who had made sure she had a large comfortable room to herself.
It was a nice holiday, with good food and the pleasant company of Neville. He let her set the pace in what they talked about, never pushing where she didn't want to go and she was grateful for this. His grandmother watched in calm, yet calculating approval as the pair talked over meals and wandered the grounds when they had time.
Neville had some lovely plants he was glad to show her but even more he delighted in showing her the family library and watching her eyes light up at the sight of so many books.
"It's a mix of things," he told her. "There is even some muggle literature here. Anything you want just let us know."
Hermione felt a rush of affection for Neville. She almost thought she could forget the nightmares as she looked at the books.
That night she fell asleep reading and suffered a horrific nightmare with no charms in place to muffle the screams.
She was on the floor again and this time her blood was everywhere, for Bellatrix had decided to run the sword through her. She twitched on the floor and knew this was it. She was going to die. Bellatrix had finally killed her.
"No…"
"Hermione wake up!"
"Let me go!"
"Hermione you are dreaming," her eyes flew open to Neville who was shaking her awake. His grandmother stood in the doorway in her dressing gown and cap, giving them some space. The tears came as she turned to his gentle face.
"It's ok," Neville told her as she sobbed against him. "It's over. Whatever it is, it can't hurt you." She clung to him as a lifeline, her sobs loud and harsh. "Hermione, just let it out. I'm here and nothing can hurt you." She heard the door close and knew that they were being left alone now, Augusta Longbottom evidently deciding Neville was up to the task on his own.
"Bellatrix," she said through her sobs. She felt Neville stiffen but he didn't stop holding her. "When we were caught by snatchers, she was at the Malfoy's. She wanted information…she tortured…" she couldn't finish, she didn't even know how she had gotten that far.
"I didn't know," Neville whispered as he held her tight. "I'm here Hermione, I'm not going anywhere. She is dead and can't hurt anyone ever again."
"Please don't leave me," she cried.
"Never," Neville said firmly. "If need be, I'm always here for you."
It was a much different Hermione that finished Hogwarts several months later. A Hermione who did not rely on dreamless sleep potions to get through the night. A Hermione who weathered the storm of the nightmares and the fears with Neville by her side.
"The wizarding world at large better watch out," Neville told her. "It's getting a great addition." She smiled as she took his hand. "It's getting two great additions you mean."
The nightmares were still there and might always be but she was not alone in suffering from them. If anyone knew of how Bellatrix Lestrange could wreck havoc on your life then Neville would. He was there for her, encouraging her every step of the way. With Neville she felt less like she was a drowning victim.
She screamed that night as she lay in her bed at the Longbottom's. Neville woke her gently, taking her in his arms as she cried. Hermione felt herself lucky to have him.
9
Christmas the following year was a somber affair. They visited first Hermione's parents and then Neville's. Alice Longbottom decided to give them both candy wrappers. Hermione carefully folded hers and put it in her pocket.
"It means she likes you," Neville told her as they left the hospital.
Hermione kept that wrapper forever.
8
Several years later Hermione still woke up from a nightmare at least once a week. One day she dreamed of Bellatrix turning her wand on her whole family who went up in flames. She woke up with her heart pounding. Getting out of bed she made her way to the next room where her daughter lay in her crib. It was raining outside, the sound soothing as she watched her baby sleep. She was glad she hadn't woken her husband. Neville needed all the sleep he could get what with going back and forth to Hogwarts all the time for his job.
She touched the scar on her throat from where Bellatrix's silver knife had cut into the skin. "She didn't kill me," Hermione said softly. "The locket didn't destroy me. It's over." The rain continued to come down as she looked down at her daughter. She already had Neville and Alice's round face. Hermione smiled at the sight.
"It's over." Neville said from the doorway. Hermione smiled at him as he came and placed his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.
There were many nights ahead of nightmares but many days of happiness, of growing and flourishing with her loved ones. She wouldn't drown but weather the storm with her Neville and their daughter. And again he said to her: "If need be, I'm always here for you."
The End