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Chapter 4: The Crew Gets Sorted.

7:00 P.M.

On a Monday.

Hogwarts, Scotland, UK

"Trevor!" Neville exclaimed joyously, clutching his toad that Hagrid had just pulled from the totally not Diddyesque boat.

"I thought you two said you killed the toad!" Hermione whispered angrily. Her eyes widened. "Wait, what did you kill, then?!"

"What, are we suddenly responsible for knowing what fate befalls every small animal in the whole wide world?" asked Harry, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah!" backed up Ron, crossing his arms.

Hermione scoffed and stormed off towards the other side of the group of first year students. Also there was the barefoot Malfoy boy and his goons, who kept shooting dirty looks their way. Harry and Ron responded in kind with some obscene gestures.

They all made their way up the path to the castle. Ron stumbled and swayed a bit, occasionally leaning on Harry for support.

"Are you sure you didn't have too many of those shots?" asked Harry, concerned.

"I has justice… er, just as much as y-you," belched Ron.

"Yeah, but I was weaned on that shit, bro. How long have you been drinking?"

"W-wuh time it now?" asked Ron back.

Harry shrugged and they continued to make their way up to the castle. Once they were inside, surrounded by hundreds of moving paintings and staircases, they continued up the main steps to where Professor McGonagall was waiting for them.

"Yo, Minerva!" bellowed Harry. McGonagall refused to indulge him.

"Good evening, first years. I am Deputy Headmistress Minerva McGonagall. You may alternatively refer to me as Professor McGonagall. But only as such,"

She said the last part pointedly, staring in Harry's direction. Harry looked behind him to see who she was so mad at, as McGonagall continued to tell them basic information about the house and point system. She was about to excuse herself when Harry shot his hand in the air.

"All questions will be answered once you get inside," McGonagall said, darting her eye's from Harry.

"Yeah, but while I have you here…" said Harry dismissively "Mind telling us how we choose our houses?"

McGonagall gave a deep sigh. "As you all should be aware, the sorting ceremony is a sacred, secret tradition that will be revealed soon enough. Now, if you'd all please excuse-"

"Well, could you at least let us know if this is going to be some sort of Hunger Games type thing? If so, can we only use our wands or can we use anything we find as a weapon too?" asked Harry.

"I am not familiar with what that is," said Professor McGonagall. Most of the other students seemed confused as well. "Now, if you'd just let-"

"None of you guys have seen it? Oh, it's awesome! It's about a bunch of teenagers running around murdering each other in the woods with spears and arrows and shit!" said Harry excitedly.

Professor McGonagall frowned, half disappointed and half horrified. "Is... is this what passes for entertainment for Muggles these days?!"

"Sure is!" Harry smiled.

"No!" Screamed out Hermione, face as red as a beet. "Wrong! Absolutely not! I'm sorry, Professor, but I can't let this classless dolt besmirch a quintessential piece of modern literature! It's a story about social upheaval and the use of entertainment as a distraction to-"

"Oh my God, you're such a nerd!" said Harry, rolling his eyes.

Hermione clenched her fists. "And you, Harry Potter, are the most depraved, rudest, poorest raised person I've ever met!"

A ripple went through the crowd of murmurs and whispers about the Harry Potter actually being in their class. Harry's focus was still on Hermione.

"Woah, what the hell did I do to you?" Harry asked, raising his hands defensively.

"Maybe you shot a bunch of poison into her eyes, too!" said Draco accusingly, stepping forward next to Hermione.

"Maybe you're p-poison!" Ron stammered, stumbling to Harry's side.

"That doesn't even make any sense!" shouted Hermione.

"Oh, it was just tequila, Drake. Don't be such a baby!" snapped Harry.

"All of you just… tequila?" Professor McGonnagal repeated, baffled. The four children all continued screaming and cursing at each other.

"Trust me, if I wanted to poison you, you'd know it!"

"Was that a threat, Potter?!"

"What do you think, Drake?!"

"My. Name. Is. DRACO!"

"Oh, so it's worse,"

"That's an awful thing to say!" exclaimed Hermione.

"Y-You're an-an awful thing ta stay," slurred Ron.

"Please, if you'd all just stop for five seconds so I can go-" pleaded McGonagall.

"Ugh, what is that smell on your breath, Weasley?" Malfoy crinkled up his nose "Is your family so poor that they have to resort to literally eating shit?"

"Itsa stuffs you said was p-poison! Shows watch you know, arsehole!"

"You're all crass!" snapped Hermione.

"Oh, eat a dick!" shouted Harry.

Hermione gasped, Draco switched from pink to red.

"That's no way to talk in front of a girl, you cu-" snarled Malfoy.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" shouted McGonagall, her face red. She pointed her wand in the air, blasting a large flame that almost scorched the ceiling. "Next one of you to say something in my presence, I swear, will be back on the first train to King's Cross!"

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco all took a step backwards. McGonagall closed her eyes and took a deep, deep breath. By the time she opened her eyes, she seemed much calmer.

"Mr. Malfoy," said McGonagall, prompting Draco to straighten up. "I will say at the very least, I am pleasantly surprised to see you come to the defense of a fellow student. Particularly a Muggleborn,"

A few students gasped. One girl with a pug nose swooned as if she was about to faint from shock. Draco squinted, confused.

"Muggleborn? Professor, what are you…"

His eyes widened in horror. He slowly turned to Hermione.

"You!" he shouted, pointing his index finger in Hermione's bewildered face. "How dare you do this to me?! THIS BETRAYAL WILL NOT STAND!"

"I-I don't even know who you are! How could I have betrayed you?!" asked Hermione, only adding fuel to Draco's anger.

"OH, YOU'RE GOING TO PAY, MUDBLOOD! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY THE ULTIMATE-"

"MOVING ON!" shouted McGonagall, regaining control of the room. She took another deep breath."Now, that all that is settled, I'll just be one-"

Ron, who had already started looking green, stammered forward, puffing out his cheeks, and staggering forward unleashed an exceptional amount of vomit into a large vase off to the side.

"Oh, Jesus Christ!" McGonagall exclaimed, screaming up towards the ceiling as the other students eyed Ron with concern.

Harry approached tentatively, patting Ron on the back. "You think that was the tequila shots or the candy?"

Ron stood up a bit straighter and shrugged, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his robe. "Doesn't matter, all came back up the same way anyway. But I feel way better now,"

"Hell yeah!" Harry spun back around, giving McGonagall a thumbs up. "All clear!"

The Professor blinked at him dumbfounded. Before she could start screaming at the pair there was a knock on the door. The eldest of Ron's three brothers, Percy, poked his head out.

"Is everything alright, Professor? Professor Dumbledore sent me to check on you. We're ready to start whenever you are, ma'am,"

"B-but I was supposed to…ugh, fine. Everyone, just follow me!"

The doors opened and they stepped into the Great Hall. Four long tables stretched the length of the hall. Above them was the night sky; clear as Harry had ever seen it.

"That's not really the sky. It's just enchanted to look like it," said Hermione to no one in particular. "I read about it in Hogwarts: A History,"

"Well, that sound's unnecessarily complicated when they could just use glass," commented Harry candidly "Was that one of the books about me though?"

"No, Harry," scowled Hermione. "Not every book is about you."

"So what good is it?" asked Harry. Hermione gave him a wild eyed look that made it seem like she wanted to fashion his skin into luggage, but didn't say a word. They all continued marching forward until they reached the front of the room. Between them and the dais of professors was a decrepit looking hat. As they came to a halt, the hat began singing about the different houses and the founders of Hogwarts. Rather than being mystified, Harry was clasping his ears.

"Holy shit, this song blows!" shouted Harry halfway through. Several students across the four tables gasped, but more laughed/murmured in agreement. Hermione looked to angry at this point to be surprised. "Can't you make it play Steve Winwood or something?"

A few professors, such as McGonagall and a greasy haired one, glared at Harry. Most of them, including Hagrid, looked at each other confused as to who Steve Winwood was. Professor Dumbledore, who sat in the large chair at the center of the dais, however, leaned back and stroked his long whitebeard, weighing the idea with serious consideration. Before he could pull out his wand, however, Professor McGonagall unraveled the scroll.

"When I call your name, please come forward to be sorted." she proclaimed "Abbott, Susan."

A blonde girl with two long braids stepped forward nervously. Ron turned over to Harry.

"So, which house do you want to go into?" asked Ron.

"Dunno. Gryffindor sounds pretty badass. It would've been cool to be in the house with the Eagles, but they sound like a bunch of nerds. What's the deal with the green one again?" asked Harry.

Ron's jaw dropped. Draco spun around, looking equally horrified.

"Slytherin?!" both exclaimed.

"Yeah, that one. Kind of a stupid name, but still,"

"IT'S NOT A STUPID NAME!" yelled Malfoy.

"Well it is kind of stupid," shrugged Ron. "But Harry, that's the same house as…"

Ron trailed off, looking side to side. He leaned in and whispered. "You Know Who…"

"Who? Voldermort?" asked Harry.

Ron and Draco cringed. A few people near them gasped. Harry looked around, bewildered.

"What? I can't say Voldermort?"

Everyone around them recoiled. Harry cocked up an eyebrow.

"What's wrong with saying Volder-"

"Shut up!" snapped Draco frantically. "You can't go to Slytherin. I… I forbid it!"

"You forbid it?" said Harry, narrowing his eyes. He stepped towards Draco, their noses nearly touching. "You listen to me, you son of a bitch: I'm from America. Most importantly, I'm from Philadelphia. Birthplace of Italian roast pork sandwiches, Rocky Balboa, and this thing called the Declaration of Independence: a piece of paper that says I don't have to listen to little commie redcoat shitheads like you. It also gives me the right to go to whatever house I want, say whatever I want… and just as importantly, spit on whoever I want."

Draco's face fell. "Wait, wha-"

Harry hocked a loogie right on to Draco's cheek. Draco jerked back like he had been shot. He began aggressively rubbing his cheek with his sleeve. Ron was laughing hysterically and clutching his side. Harry still looked serious, but gave a small, victorious smile.

"Rock, Flag, and Eagle, bitch,"

Draco looked up with a murderous rage. "I'M GOING TO KILL-"

"Malfoy, Draco!"

Draco turned his head eagerly. He ran a hand through his hair, straightened his collar, flipped off Harry and Ron, and made his way to the front with a hauty, arrogant stride. He was placed in Slytherin before the hat even touched his head.

"Why do you want to be in Slytherin anyway?" asked Ron.

"They're the same color as the Eagles. Plus, I'll be able to use Charlie's Green Man suit when I'm older," said Harry.

"Eagles aren't… wait, are Eagles green in America?!"

"Only the best ones,"

"Well… I mean, I guess all Slytherins can't be that bad. I mean, most probably are, but one or two I'd imagine have to be comparatively decent… maybe. They did win the House Cup seven years in a row, afterall."

"Aw, they're nerds too?" Harry frowned in disappointment. "Welp, Gryffindor it is then!"

Before long, McGonagall announced Harry's name. The crowd murmured excitedly. Harry grinned, imagining all the ways he was going to use his celebrity status to his advantage. By the time he approached the stool, however, he was simply puzzled.

"Wait a second!" said Harry "Where should I put my feet, Professor?"

Professor McGonagall's right eye twitched. "It's a sorting hat. Where you put your feet is of no consequence."

"I think I'll keep them on the stool," said Harry, tentatively taking his seat. "This fine?"

"Just wear the damn hat!" snapped McGonagall, tossing the hat onto his head.

"Oh, that horrible little boy that didn't like my song. Let's see… wow. Just… wow,"

"What do you mean, wow?" asked Harry.

"I-I've never seen a mind quite like this. Normally, I'm dealing with kids who are just a year or two shy of finding out that Father Christmas isn't real. But this? I'm not sure if I'm qualified for this. What you need is a therapist, or… are lobotomies still a thing?"

"Don't know and don't care. Just don't put me in a nerd house like Ravenclaw or Slytherin,"

"Not Slytherin, eh? You would be great, you know. You'd make true friends there. You'd be powerful too, and-"

"I just want the illusion of power!" thought Harry. "That way I can get the puss when I'm older,"

"The… beg your pardon?"

"I'm… I'm not 100% clear on what it is either. But usually whenever Dennis says something, it's cool… or creepy,"

"You know what? I'm done looking inside this head. I'm not certain if I'd survive a bath, but I'm ready to take that chance. Anyways, better be GRYFFINDOR!"

The hall, particularly the Gryffindor table, broke into applause. They were so loud that hardly anyone could hear Professor McGonagall scream out "GODDAMNIT!" at the top of her lungs. Harry tossed the hat to her, and made his way down the Gryffindor table, hamming it up by high-fiving an entire row before taking his seat.

"You have got to be kidding me,"

Harry looked up to see Hermione sitting across the table with her arms folded, glaring right at him.

"You got into Gryffindor too?" asked Harry, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm here, aren't I?" said Hermione bitterly.

Harry looked her up and down. "Huh. Maybe you aren't that much of a nerdy bitch afterall."

Hermione's gaze softened slightly. She seemed less angry and more puzzled; as if she couldn't decide to take that as a compliment or not. She turned her attention to the other Gryffindor girls in their year while Harry ate and made conversation with Seamus Finnegan and Neville Longbottom, eventually being joined by Ron Weasley and another boy named Dean Thomas.

With the feast winding down, Professor Dumbledore stood up.

"I would like to welcome you all back to another year here at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry," the old man said to roarous applause. "Now for routine matters of business, I understand that I may need to remind some of you that the Forbidden Forest has that name for a reason,"

Dumbledore seemed to be staring at Ron's older brothers, Fred and George. Unlike when McGonagall had been looking straight at Harry (or just in Harry's direction, as he had convinced himself) there was something playful in the old man's voice, as if he was welcoming them to try. Harry quickly decided that he liked the old man.

"I will also remind you that Carekeeper Argus Filch has updated the list of banned items for this year," announced Dumbledore less enthusiastically.

Most of the students turned to glare at the mean looking decrepit monkey skeleton of a man at the end of the hall. He glared back at them all as he pet the cat in his hands.

"Well, we're going to need to do something about him," said Harry to Ron, who nodded in concurrence.

"Finally," Dumbledore said in a foreboding voice. "The third floor corridor is strictly forbidden."

A murmur went over the crowd. Harry turned to Ron's brother, Percy, who was sitting with the first years 'to answer any questions they had' and 'to set a good example for them going forward.' (It totally didn't have anything to do with Wood and his friends ripping on him for flaunting his prefect badge throughout the entire meal).

"What's that all about?" asked Harry

"I'm not sure," admitted Percy. "Would've thought he would have told us pre-"

Harry turned away from the bloviating teen and back to Ron "Sounds like something we'll have to check out."

Before Ron could answer, Hermione spun back to Harry.

"You aren't actually going to sneak into the third floor corridor after Dumbledore expressly forbade it, are you?" asked Hermione. Her tone was still shrill and naggy, but her eyes conveyed an unexpected level of concern.

"Of course not!" assured Harry, knowing full well that was exactly what he was going to do.

Short chapter, I know. But I'm really excited with the direction of the next few chapters.

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