It's the last day of Pride Month and I'm so glad I managed to finish this in time. Hi and welcome to my first ever OFMD fic! :) It's a long one, too, and I'm so excited about it!
This is a missing scene sorta thing; just what I thought could've happened during Ed's probation on the Revenge in season 2. It's from Ed's POV and contains canon-typical swearing, violence and - to be on the safe side - historical inaccuracies. It begins right after the kiss at the end of 2x05 and ends just before 2x06 would begin. Only now there are a few weeks in between.
I hope you enjoy it and if you do, please leave a review at the end and let me know what you think! Happy reading!
Probation Time
It was when he put his fucking fingers into his hair. Tugging lightly. Moaning softly. That was when Ed had to break it off.
If he hadn't put an end to it then and there, Stede probably would've had him pressed against the railing about now. Their legs intertwined. The fish somewhere on the ground and Ed's hands in Stede's golden locks, too.
Even thinking about it now was dangerous. His stomach flip-flopped and deep in his belly there was something warm and gooey only waiting for the flames to lick higher so it could burn him from the inside out.
But Ed was scared of the fire.
He had allowed his emotions to run away with him before and he got burned so bad that death had seemed to be the only relief from this excruciating pain. This deep feeling of loss, loneliness and heartbreak.
All love dies.
In the back of his mind, while Ed was walking over the deck of the Revenge with Stede by his side, he flashed back to his darkest night.
When he almost succeeded to end it all. To end them all. Those poor fuckers who were stuck with him and his madness.
And all because he loved Stede so entirely. So fiercely and quickly. There was no room in his mind for sanity. Either he could have him or life wasn't worth living at all.
Now Stede was back and Ed was tethering on the edge of an abyss. He couldn't see the bottom but he knew the Kraken was waiting down there for him. Always waiting. Patiently. Because he was bound to make a mistake, wasn't he? He was bound to fall into the arms of the Kraken again and the monster wouldn't let him go this time.
But Stede. Stede was here now and with him around the Kraken seemed not so imposing and scary at all. Stede tamed the Kraken, made him sleep peacefully in the deepest, darkest pit of his soul and instead filled everything with love and ridiculously beautiful, fine things.
If he could only get over himself to trust him again, Ed knew he would be able to fly and never touch the bottom of the abyss ever again. Stede had told him as much.
I love everything about you.
But Ed was scared. Not now. Not yet. He wasn't ready to fly at this point of his probation. Too high were the stakes if they failed to make it work. It would put them all at risk if the Kraken ever woke again.
"So, what do you want to do?" asked Stede with one of those sunny smiles, completely oblivious to Ed's inner struggle. "Would you like to fry the fish right now? If you wait any longer I'm afraid it will go bad."
"Hm. Yeah. I could eat." Ed considered distractedly. "Have been sitting on a boat for the whole day."
"I'll go and fetch Roach. Hopefully he won't mind a little late night cooking." Stede offered with a grin. Ed nodded and he followed. He always followed at least if the one leading was Stede. Like a lost puppy, a stranger on a ship that he dismantled while he wrecked havoc on it as the Kraken.
He gazed at the wooden walls, littered with holes and cracks where he wedged his daggers in. Mad with rage. Mad with love. Furniture destroyed. Paintings ripped apart. Ed looked at it all, scared of himself and what he was capable of doing should he go bad again.
But not Stede. He still strutted along the corridors as if he owned the place. Well he did... but Ed didn't think he would still be so proud of it now that it was mostly empty and destroyed.
They found Roach in his little kitchen nook, a piece of rag over his shoulder and a cigarette pinched in the corner of his mouth, scrubbing some tin bowls clean. He turned around to them before Stede even started to talk. Courtesy of Ed's annoyingly loud cat collar.
He let Stede do all the talking and just settled for standing half a step behind him, not making eye-contact with one of the men he left for dead on a small island in the middle of nowhere and presenting the fish again when Stede mentioned it.
Roach was probably one of the more forgiving ones of the crew. Like his name suggested, he was apparently used to live at life's razor edge, repeatedly falling in on the deep end and still managing to survive by some incredible fluke of fate. There were others Ed had hurt much more.
Frenchie was still nervous around him and Jim sometimes looked at him with such darkness in their eyes that Ed expected them to kill him in his sleep one of these nights.
Ed worked out things with Fang today, but Lucius still jumped a mile high whenever Ed made a noise and was throwing all kinds of abuse at him every chance he's got.
The one that stung most was Izzy. Of course. His first mate had taken his apology earlier today with a blank face that held neither admiration, nor resentment. Not even love anymore, but not hate, either. Then he'd hobbled away on his new unicorn leg. He hadn't spoken a word to Ed ever since he came back from the Gravy Basket.
Ed wondered if Izzy had hoped he would stay dead. But then again, it was him who kept his body on board for Stede to find and bring him back. Their relationship had always been complicated, but at least Ed could always count on the fact that Izzy would be loyal to him. Now... he wasn't so sure anymore. Maybe saving his body was his last act of kindness to a man he thought for sure was already dead. Ever since Ed was back Izzy seemed closer to the crew he once loathed so much than to him.
I dragged him through hell, thought Ed. He has every right to hate me.
But his detachment from the only person Ed considered family left him feeling kind of floaty. Alone... but not lonely. Because Stede was there. Just there next to him. He could be family, if Ed only let it happen.
This internal monologue kept Ed occupied while he and Stede waited for the fish to be fried. Ed was quietly listening to Stede and his plans to restock the library. He didn't sound resentful at all that Ed had thrown all his beloved books over board. Instead he was smiling and something inside Ed wanted to take him by the shoulders, shake him and tell him to run away, because couldn't he see how fucked up he was!?
But Stede wasn't scared. And Ed loved him for that.
Roach brought the fish and Stede had the ridiculous notion to watch Ed eat it all by himself. It's your catch, he insisted. Yeah, but fuck that, Ed shot back, I wanna share it with you.
This had made Stede's hazel-blue eyes light up like a fucking lighthouse in the night and the fire in Ed's belly swirled and coiled and he was laughing bashfully. Just because otherwise he would be sobbing on his knees, begging Stede to take him into his arms and kiss him senseless.
The meal was nice. Candles and coy glances flickered over the table in the dark mess hall in the middle of the ship's hull. Their voices were soft, not only because Roach was still standing quite visibly by the hatch to his kitchen, taking a suspiciously long time to clean a single frying pan.
The mood was calm. Non-threatening. Ed had almost forgotten how nice that was and he decided that, for this night, he was okay to dance with Stede so close to the edge of the abyss.
Because, fuuck, the way it made him feel! Like he was an actual person. Not a monster.
Like he could be loved. More importantly, like he deserved to be loved. It still all seemed like a nice illusion to Ed. Something that he could indulge in as long as it took Stede to realize his mistake and run away again. Because that was what the Kraken was whispering to him from the ground.
Ed tried not to listen. Tried to trust that Stede would stay with him this time, but the voice was loud and menacing. Ed hoped it would quiet down the longer he spent time in the loving light that was Stede.
They finished their late-night-meal and wandered deeper into the hull of the ship. Stede had wrapped his hand around Ed's again. As if they were on an evening stroll somewhere fancy like Bridgetown, Barbados. The airy fabric of his new blood-red shirt kept brushing against Ed's naked arm, chafed by the unfitting sleeve of the sack he was wearing as part of his probation.
It felt like little cooling kisses, sending sparks of excitement from his arm into his fuzzy head and through his warm belly heading... lower.
Ed squeezed Stede's hand. His anchor and his possible demise if he was not careful. But right now, Ed didn't care. Holding Stede's hand was perfect.
"So, there we are then," said Stede, smiling and coming to a stop near his quarters. The door was at the end of the corridor, but directly next to them was a narrow staircase that led further down to storage and the once practically unused brig. Now it served as Ed's only acceptable sleeping quarters according to the wary crew.
"Ed, I have been thinking. How about, just this once during your probation time, you would sleep with me in the Captain's quarters?"
"Stede—" Ed interrupted softly.
"I mean, not with me, of course! Well, not that I don't want... uhm... oh, god. I'm sorry, Ed, I'm such an idiot with words."
Ed snorted. "No, you're not." he protested and then proceeded to calm him. "It's fine, Stede. The crew doesn't want me to sleep unguarded and that's perfectly understandable."
Stede's eyes shimmered with worry. "It can't be comfortable for you."
"Isn't supposed to be."
"Frenchie said there are rats as big as cats down there. Is that true?"
Ed shrugged. "I'll be fine. The least I can do is to grant the crew a good night's sleep with me locked away."
"What about you?" Stede all but pouted. "You could take the couch. Just for tonight. I'm sure the crew will understand and I promise it wasn't my intention to imply anything. I fully respect your wishes, that's what I've been wanting to say."
Ed smiled at the way Stede fucking blushed. God, he was adorable. "Nah, it's alright, mate. Wouldn't mind you accompanying me to my luxury sleeping berth, though. You can lock me in."
Stede sighed, relenting with just enough polite reluctance to appear sincerely sad about all of this. "Okay."
Carefully, they stepped down, greeted by a single candle that burned at the bottom of the stairs. It barely touched the whole room with light, keeping the edges in dark, impenetrable shadows. Ed could just so see where the creaky cell door opened. He slipped inside, clicked the metal firmly shut and waited for Stede who retrieved a key from a hook on the wall.
They turned towards each other, Stede with the key upheld and a sad look on his face and Ed leaning his forearms against the horizontal metal bars of his prison, smiling softly.
It didn't make it less awkward.
With a firm, but deeply innocent look, Stede turned the key in the lock. The crew was safe for the night. Ed flashed him a quick, lopsided smile and pushed away from the bars and towards a thin piece of fabric on the hard ground that served as mattress, pillow and blanket, all at once. "Night, mate." he mumbled.
The key jingled as Stede hooked it back on its place at the side of the wall, where Ed could still see but never reach it. There he paused. Ed could feel, practically hear, the cogs in his beautiful mind turning.
"Ed?"
"Hm?" He turned to look over his shoulder. Stede was lingering at the bottom of the stairs, longing clearly visible in his eyes, but then he seemed to shake himself out of it.
"No, it's fine. Never mind. Good night, Edward."
Stede turned to go, but Ed quickly stepped back to the bars, following Stede on the side of the cage closest to him before he could disappear upstairs. "Oh, no-no-no! Don't do that to me." he begged and Stede paused again, looking apologetic. "Don't say 'never mind' when there's clearly something you wanted to say. I'll stay up worrying about it all night if you do that."
Stede chuckled softly and came back down, standing across from him once more and looking up at Ed through the bars with those absolutely lovely, glittering eyes. "It's just... I..." Stede stuttered and blushed again. "I wanted to ask you if I could give you a kiss goodnight?"
Ed's widened eyes blinked into the stunned silence.
"I know it feels like we kind of did that before, but then I went too far and you had to break it off and, ah... I thought I could maybe try again? But more softly?" Stede rambled nervously.
There was a short circuit in Ed's brain. The memory of their kiss under the moonlight earlier suddenly surged back into his mind in all its vivid glory. The way Stede's hand went for the back of his neck, fingers entangling in Ed's long silver hair. The feeling of Stede's lips against his own, pressing much more eager than the last time Ed tried to steal a kiss. The way the fire in him had exploded and left him with this warmth that wouldn't go away even hours later.
"I know, I'm being horribly greedy, aren't I?" Stede suddenly interrupted his flood of warm memories. "I'm sorry, Ed. You've made your wishes quite clear."
"Yes." Ed quickly said before Stede could turn away again and leave him alone at the bottom of the pit. He needed more of his warmth to get through the night, he impulsively decided. "Yes," he repeated once more to make Stede believe him. "I would like that."
If Ed hadn't already been completely won over, the hopeful joy of Stede's bright smile would have done it for sure. "Really?" he asked for confirmation. "You can say no if it's too much yet. I understand."
"No, it's... it's alright." Ed clung to the bars of his prison. Hopefully, he thought, it wasn't too obvious that he would melt to a puddle on the floor if it wasn't for his vice-like grip. He rattled his cage, showing off its structural integrity. "There are iron bars between us. How passionate could this get?" he said with a humoresque curl of his lip.
Stede laughed sheepishly. "Right." he said. "Alright then..."
He stepped even closer. Ed could feel the warmth radiating off his legs even though they didn't touch his own. With a charming smile and stars dancing in his eyes, Stede reached for Ed's hands where they were clutched around the metal bars. He squeezed them and Ed's palms opened out of their own accord to make room for Stede's fingers as they slipped in between his. He clutched their intertwined hands close again, running his thumbs up the sides of Ed's hands.
Ed had to release a long, shivering breath to calm the fire inside him. "Oi, not like that." he whispered, eyes closed.
He heard Stede's delightful chuckle. "Sorry. Got carried away. It won't happen again."
Ed's brows furrowed. Why? Why wouldn't it happen again? He only wanted it to happen. He never wanted it to stop happening!
But then his mind completely blanked as he felt the press of Stede's lips again. His eyes had still been closed, so it came as a surprise, but Ed eagerly latched on. It didn't deepen this time. It didn't slide, either. It was just pressure. Soft, sweet pressure on his lips that lasted and lasted...
Ed wanted the bars to disappear. He wanted to wrap Stede in his arms. He wanted to feel the fabric of his shirt on his skin as he buried his fingers desperately into it. Screaming, begging, sobbing to never, ever leave him again! He no longer wanted to die. He never wanted to fall into the fangs of the Kraken again. He wanted to fly with Stede. Only with Stede for the rest of his life. Because... because... oh God!
Danger! A voice in his mind screamed at him. Too fast. Too much. Too scared of getting burned.
It was as if Stede had heard it, too. As soon as Ed was beginning to feel overwhelmed he gently started to retreat. The kiss ended softly, not as abrupt as before. The fire stayed, but it calmed as Ed took a few steadying breaths.
Finally, he opened his eyes. Stede's cheeks were rosy. His smile tender. "Goodnight, Ed." he said once more. "I see you tomorrow."
He vanished much too quickly after that. But it only felt that way to Ed, because he wanted Stede to stay. To keep him warm.
Ed slowly sat down cross-legged on his piece of rag. As if moving too hectically would shake the kiss away from his lips. He wanted to keep it close. Keep it in his hollow heart until the next time Stede would kiss him.
The next time.
Ed needed there to be a next time. He longed for it. Just as soft. Just as tender. Just warmth. All love, no lust. To prove that what they had was more... just more than anything Ed has ever felt before. As if in trance he began to lay down on his side, pulling his knees up, eyes opened wide, imagining when the next kiss could happen.
Would it be soon? Would he need some time to cool down? Would Stede make the first move again or would Ed dare to do it? What would he prefer? When-
His thoughts were interrupted by the umpteenth tingle of the little bell around his neck. "Stupid, fucking collar!" Ed cursed under his breath, trying to find into slumber, dreaming of Stede.
At the other end of the room, near the opposite staircase leading up to Roach's kitchen, the cook/doctor lurked in the safe cover of the shadows together with always observant Jim.
"See," Roach said. "All he needed was his Stede back and he's tame like a little kitty cat."
Jim frowned in thought, shrugging their shoulders. "We'll see. For now he stays in the cage at night and wears the sack with the fucking bell. And if just because he looks ridiculous as hell." they grinned.
Ed awoke curled up tightly on the floor to keep the cold away that had bitten his skin throughout the night. He blinked and then flinched as he realized that he wasn't alone.
"Morning!" Stede hollered happily just as his smiling face shifted into place for Ed and he relaxed.
"Morning." he answered groggily and sat up slowly. He winced as his stiff neck and his fucked up knee protested against the movement and caught Stede worriedly dipping his brows. Only for a second, though, then he apparently was hell-bent on ignoring the awkwardness of the situation and proceeded to grin.
"I had Lucius prepare breakfast for us in my room." Stede explained. "I figured since you're not allowed to sleep without being confined, the crew can't possibly object to you getting a decent breakfast at least."
Ed smacked his dry mouth. Breakfast sounded wonderful. Breakfast with Stede even more so. He hadn't been able to sleep for a while last night. And not just because the ocean water all around him cooled the wood in the ship's hull significantly. Not even because of the noises the rats made in the dark as their little feet scurried over the floor. Actually, the only good thing about the bell around his neck was that it kept the hairy fuckers away from him. They got startled by the harsh, sudden tingling sound whenever he moved.
No, the reason for his sleeplessness was, of course, Stede Bonnet. Ed thought intensely about him. About his smile. His unwavering optimism. His refusal to see that Ed was dangerous. It got to a point where the Kraken managed to sneak into his mind again. Trying to make him scared. Telling him that the happier he let Stede make him, the more it would hurt when he would leave.
But then Ed had closed his eyes fiercely, hugging himself and imagining Stede around him like a blanket. Smiling. Kissing him. Swimming under water with a fabulous tail of glittery orange-yellow scales. Promising him that he would never leave again.
It shut the Kraken up for the time being, but Ed knew the monster was still lingering close. Waiting for a more vulnerable night.
"If I'm crowding you too much, please just say so." Stede said suddenly, shaking Ed from his thoughts. "I just thought it would be a nice way to start your day."
"No, yes." said Ed, gravel in his throat. "I'd love that. Breakfast. Sounds lovely." He managed a smile and Stede mirrored it tenfold.
"Great." he exclaimed and opened the cage.
They talked about everything and nothing over breakfast, laughing together with apparently no care in the world. In the light of day the Kraken was more reluctant to show itself. Ed relished in this freedom. He felt more like Ed with Stede under the Caribbean morning sun than at any other time of the day.
But only because he hadn't seen anyone of the crew yet.
They kept away, usually, working through their trauma on their own. From afar – when the bell hadn't given his location away yet – Ed could hear them laugh, rib and joke animatedly. But when he joined them they fell silent for a moment before continuing with whatever they were doing with just a bit more caution and less joy.
Ed was like a black hole, sucking the life out of them. Still. Apparently, apologizing didn't miraculously solve everything like Stede had probably hoped. Most of them politely acted like everything was back to normal, just because it was easier, but Ed could tell that they were still scared of him.
And that brought him to his other constant companion. What the Kraken whispered to him during the night, Guilt made sure to remind him of during the day. Of the pain he'd caused. The lives he'd ruined. The couples he'd selfishly ripped apart just because he was left behind by his lover, too.
Lucius and Pete.
Jim and Olu.
Then Jim and that new guy, Archie.
Even roommates Frenchie and Wee John weren't spared from his heartbreak.
All love dies.
But Stede came back. Don't you fucking forget that, Ed berated himself when his inner voices got too loud to cope.
Just as Stede had suggested, Ed spent his days repairing the ship as well as the relationships that he had destroyed. With varying degrees of success.
Like Fang – and also Roach for aforementioned reasons – Wee John was fairly quick to forgive him. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that those two were much bigger than Ed and could easily snap him like a twig if they so choose.
Black Pete had been one of his greatest admirers before Ed went and marooned him. But even though Ed had also chucked his boyfriend over board, Pete seemed to be cool with him. It probably would've been different if he had encountered Ed first and learned what he did before finding Lucius again and realizing that he was in fact not dead.
Olu was a big softie. He probably couldn't stay mad at anyone even if he tried.
New guy, Archie, was a peculiar one. Much like Roach, a crazy little thrill seeker and very much living in the moment.
That left him again with those that were forced to be part of his crew after he turned to his most wretched darkness. Those who experienced up close what he was capable of if triggered. He'll never forget how fucking Jim, of all people, the one equipped with admirable nerves of steel, flinched when Ed shot Izzy's leg.
Talking of them, Ed realized that something must have changed over the last few days of his probation. Jim seemed to have softened slightly towards him. He thought for sure regaining their trust would be the hardest part, but lately they regarded Ed with... sympathy... or pity, rather, than with murderous rage.
Was that because they were reunited with their metaphorical anchor Olu? Or because Ed was no longer keeping them from their relationship with Archie? Did love soften them, like it had softened Ed?
Obviously, Ed had much to think about while he was working on fixing the ship. Stede continued to secure the mornings and the late evening hours just for them. Determinedly, working on rebuilding the trust that had once been between them. Never pushing, but gently showing Ed how much he still meant to him. It was salve for Ed's troubled, ragged, wild soul.
The Kraken protested loudly but Stede, without realizing it, just silenced the beast with unconditional love. Piece by piece collecting and gluing together the ripped shreds of Ed's broken heart.
The Kraken's revenge came unexpectedly one night, a week after his probation began.
He didn't know what suddenly triggered it. He had had a quiet night with Stede again, telling him all about the progress he'd made with the crew and the ones he still struggled with most. Namely Lucius and Izzy. Although, Lucius now mostly avoided him because he was distracted by his recent engagement to Pete. So Ed couldn't quite tell how much resentment he was still harbouring.
Stede had been his usual supportive self, assuring him that it would all soon be fine and Ed was just too smitten with him to argue against his innocent, blue-eyed view of the world. If Stede said so, it must be true.
Again, Stede had initiated a soft kiss that bordered more and more on the dangerous edge to passion and, as always, he'd asked him if he wanted to sleep on the couch in his room because he couldn't bear seeing Ed sleeping so uncomfortably and clearly waking with pain in his joints.
As always, Ed had declined with a smile. Knowing deep down that the brig was what he deserved for how ever long the crew saw fit.
He fell asleep, thinking of the golden colour of Stede's hair. The lush softness of it when he dared to sink his fingers into it... and then something happened.
His golden dreams suddenly turned grainy and dark and instead of Stede's hair, Ed was holding a fine red piece of silk between his hands. He watched how it floated away, his heart heavy, broken and empty.
No colours in his dreams anymore. Everything was grey and black.
His face streaked with tears and kohl. His hands so tense and full of rage. His head full of drugs and alcohol to manage the pain. Izzy, wailing, screaming in agony as he rolled on the blood-spattered deck, clutching his leg. The fear – fear – in his indestructible first mate's eyes as Ed claimed yet another one of his toes. The crew, too scared to even speak in his presence without his consent. A little figurine, smeared and dirty with more kohl to make it look like him. Through tears he watched it tumble and vanish into the dark depths of the black ocean. Claimed by the Kraken.
And then the storm.
Cold rain. Lashing wind. His own voice so high and shrill with madness that he didn't recognize it himself. The blood on Jim and Archie's faces. The gunshot. And then the cannonball...
Ed woke with a start, sitting and gasping for air. Disoriented, he looked around. Recognizing his prison, but not recognizing what was reality.
The horrible images were still haunting him. What kind of monster would do such vile things? Monster! He was a monster! Undeserving of love. Undeserving to still be alive. The crew was right to beat him to a bloody pulp. Was the Gravy Basket real? How did he manage to escape it?
Another flash of a memory. Something old and distorted. The Kraken claiming his father. Ed killing his father. I'm not a good person, Stede.
Stede!
Stede was gone. Stede left him. He was all alone. Just him and the Kraken and hatred and rage and madness! No one to save him. No one to love. Stede was gone.
Ed's breath came in sharp, short gasps. He was pulling at the cat collar. "S-Stupid fucking-" No more words. He couldn't breathe. No one to save him. No one to love.
Just so much misery and heartbreak and it was never going to end.
"Stede!" he cried out, wasting his last panicking breaths. "Stede! Stede!"
With shaking hands, Ed held on to the bars behind him. His vision blurred. His muscles began to slacken...
Then a face stared at him. Disinterested and cold.
"What now? You know you're interrupting a thing I wanted to try with Pete, right?" said Lucius, seemingly unbothered by Ed's panic attack.
Ed refocused his eyes, startled away from passing out and trying to make sense of what he saw. Another pin-sharp memory. Pushing Lucius overboard. His startled yelp and then his desperate cries for help, which Ed completely ignored.
Lucius couldn't be here. He was dead! Was Ed dead?
His breathing picked up again and his fingers forced their way under the atrociously tingling collar, pulling in vain.
"Okay, I can see what's happening here and even though it literally pains me to do anything to help you, the Captain will probably never forgive me if I let you choke to death, so, hey!" Lucius snapped his fingers in front of Ed's face. "Look at me and breathe, you melodramatic knob-head."
Ed furrowed his brows in confusion of this insult and tried to focus.
"I'm not gonna let you out of this cage, 'cause your eyes look completely deranged right now, so you have to calm down on your own, okay?" said Lucius. "Deep breaths. In and out again."
Ed obeyed, following Lucius breathing and slowly coming to realize that the boy was indeed alive and real. But so was everything else Ed did. When he had calmed down enough so that the collar wasn't choking him anymore, something else finally found room to bubble to the surface.
Ugly, wrenching sobs.
"Shit." muttered Lucius, curling his lips with something akin to disgust. "Do you want me to wake Stede to deal with this?"
Ed's eyes snapped up and he lurched forward, gripping the front of the cage. Lucius flinched and scrambled back. "Stede?" he whimpered desperately. "Stede is here?"
"Well, yeah, of course. What did you think?" Warily, Lucius looked him over like he'd completely lost his mind.
Ed felt his breathing quicken again. Scared that Lucius could be playing with him. That it could all be just a trick after all and that he would be alone. Falling. A feast for the Kraken. "Please. Lucius." Ed gasped. "Fetch, Stede. Please. I... I need to see him. Please!"
"Alright, alright. Keep your pants on, I'll get him." Lucius rolled his eyes and vanished up the stairs.
He took the only candlelight with him and left Ed in darkness, still trying to get his panic attack under control. Ed scooted backwards until he could feel the iron bars behind him. He pulled his knees to his chest, rocking, tingling, with every movement.
Voices seemed to whisper in the shadows. Smoky black waves rippled and moved like eight giant arms. The Kraken was close. He could stretch out one of his sticky black tentacles and grab him, pull him under before anyone could hear him scream. Then all would be lost and he would succumb to violence and self-hatred and, and...
A light slowly floated down the stairs and towards him.
"Ed? Edward, are you alright?"
The voice of his lighthouse and his face appeared in front of him like a vision. Full of concern and love and tender care. Ed couldn't speak. All that came out of his mouth were breathless gasps and trembling sobs, overwhelmed by his comforting presence alone.
"Oh, darling. Oh, no."
The candle stayed but Stede turned away.
Ed jerked into motion, grabbing the front bars again and reaching through them with one arm. "N-No, no, please!" he begged, absolutely terrified. "Stede, please, don't leave me alone! Don't leave me with the Kraken!"
Stede returned quickly. "No, it's alright, love, it's alright. Just getting the key."
Someone harrumphed from the top of the stairs but they both ignored it.
Stede opened the little cell and stepped inside, immediately kneeling in front of Ed and gathering his sobbing, shivering form by cradling Ed's tear-stricken face in both hands. Eyes, hazel-blue and shining with concern, seemed to stare into his soul, bearing a message for the Kraken who still lived there and refused to let go:
"Ed, I'm here. I never leave again."
Ed completely dissolved into tears. He grabbed the front of Stede's sleeping gown in his fist, pulling him down towards him. Pulling himself up into his chest. Sobbing and crying and trembling with fear. He thought he'd lost him again. He thought Stede was gone.
Stede's arms wrapped around Ed, holding him tight. Strong and warm and so damn comforting. He shushed him, whispering soft words of reassurance to him. Apologizing that he had hurt him so much before.
Ed couldn't have that. He couldn't allow him to apologize for realizing what he was. Monster! But maybe... maybe he could thank him. For loving him anyway. For coming back.
He reached up around Stede's neck and pulled him down, crushing his mouth with his own. Fire exploded once more where there was only stark emptiness before. Stede made a little noise of surprise before Ed opened his mouth and deepened the kiss. He felt him go soft, felt him reciprocate.
Stede's hand entangled once more in Ed's unruly silver curls, moaning quietly. And Ed needed more of that. He needed the light. He needed the love so much more than he needed to be cautious. He was still scared, but in his jumbled mind he wasn't really sure anymore what he was scared of more. The Kraken or losing Stede. They both seemed to be one and the same fear. But this... this was good.
Ed was moaning, too. A wet, desperate wail of a noise, before he grabbed Stede tighter by the front of his gown and pulled him on top of him. Needing to feel him closer still.
But, suddenly, Stede broke away.
"Ed," he gasped. "Ed, darling, wait a minute. This is not right."
"Is." Ed protested weakly. "I need you, Stede. I-I want y-you."
Stede did not let go of him when he twisted around to sit next to Ed, gently stroking his hair from his face and kissing the crown of his head. "Shh, I know. But not like this, remember? You wanted to take it slow. I'm not going to take advantage of you while you're this emotional and vulnerable. You're going to regret it later on."
"No." Ed pressed out stubbornly. More tears welled up in his eyes. Scared of what was lurking in the dark. Scared that it would take him if Stede was not all around him. "Stede..." he sobbed heartbreakingly.
"It's alright, love, I'm here. I'm here now." Stede whispered.
"Stay?" Ed begged, voice breaking.
"I will. I never leave again, Edward. I'm staying right here with you." Stede settled down more comfortably, adjusting his arms so he could hold Ed against his chest and run his fingers soothingly through his tangled hair. "Go back to sleep. I stay with you. Until the end of times."
Ed's body still shook with tremoring sobs, but he wrapped his arms around Stede, squeezing him tightly. Taking comfort in the warmth, the weight of him. With the steady beating of Stede's heart against his ear, Ed was surprised to fall back into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.
After his nightly breakdown, Stede was even more determined to keep Ed out of the brig and close to him to be able to offer comfort if needed.
The crew reluctantly agreed to a trial run, but Ed could tell that not everyone was completely convinced that this was a good idea. Frenchie and Archie seemed nervous. Lucius was surprisingly quiet about it all.
Izzy didn't care.
Disheartened, Ed insisted on returning back to the cell after night three of sleeping on Stede's plush couch. One of the few things that survived Ed's mad redecoration of the Revenge, simply because it was too big to get it out the door. How did Stede manage to get it in here in the first place?
Stede had protested vehemently, but Ed had taken his hand and smiled in that new subdued way of his. "It's better that way. Gotta take it slow with the crew, too." he'd said. "I've been fine these last nights. If I need you, I call. Promise."
They had squeezed each other's hands, interlacing their fingers, gaze meeting for a smile. "Alright." Stede had said. Because trust had been planted again and it was blooming tentatively.
Things had been different between them ever since Ed admitted out loud that he still did want to take it further with Stede. It was just that the timing wasn't right yet. Didn't stop them from being more openly flirtatious with each other. Especially Stede... the cheeky bastard.
There was tension whenever their eyes met. The crew noticed it, too. But it helped Ed's cause. Strengthened everyone's belief that there was nothing to fear because Ed only had eyes for Stede anyway.
The crew eventually calmed around him. Conversations no longer abruptly stopped when he stepped on deck. Sometimes they even included him in their discussions, asking for his opinion and feeling a smug kind of satisfaction when his views matched their own.
They still held his opinion in high regard. Even after everything Ed had put them through. Sometimes, when all this unshakeable love and camaraderie got too much, Ed sneaked away through the little hatch to the bow of the ship where the head- and legless unicorn kept him company while secret tears rolled down his cheeks.
It was there that Stede found him one day, excitement glinting in his sea-blue eyes. "Ed, great news! Olu just spotted a vessel a few leagues ahead of us. It seems to be an unarmed merchant ship and I decided to raid it!"
His voice held way too much joy in the prospect of a quite violent act of piracy, but that was Stede Bonnet for you. Ed grinned, enamoured by his malicious glee. "Good for you, mate. I'll wait in the brig until it's over."
Stede's smile dropped dramatically from his face. "You won't join in?"
Ed snorted. "Stede, do you really think the crew already trusts me with weapons?"
Stede pursed his lips in thought. "Well, they do seem to warm to you again."
"Yeah... I'm glad." said Ed, putting a hand upon Stede's shoulder and sliding it along until his fingertips covertly touched the soft curls of his hair. "But it's not enough yet. Can't risk anyone freezing just because they see me being violent. Could cost them their lives."
Stede sighed, shoulders dropping disappointedly. "Hm. You're right, I guess."
"Don't worry, you got this." said Ed and for the first time since their kiss in the moonlight, it was him leaning in first. Gently, he kissed Stede on the lips and the action was so casual, so normal, that Stede didn't register its significance until after they parted again.
His mouth opened, but for once he was stunned to silence. Then he was smiling.
Ed grinned back. "Just listen to Izzy. I heard he's been a great teacher to you." He bent down to open the hatch, but paused before he vanished. "Do me a favour, Stede?"
"Anything." Stede answered readily.
"Please don't die."
His smiled widened. "I promise."
A short time later, Ed was lying on his back, arms crossed behind his head, watching the shadows pass through the slats of wood above him. A warm shiver had gone through him as he'd heard Stede's cry to charge. He's been working on his Captain voice, Ed realized.
After that there was lots of yelling, running and Izzy shouting orders. Surprisingly, even a few gunshots. Ed winced every time he heard one. Pistols were usually only discharged as a last resort. Well, the Kraken never cared, but Stede would. Ed tried not to worry. Stede could handle himself. He'd taught him well. Izzy has taught him even better he assumed.
But the uneasy feeling wouldn't leave his bones. A lot of unknown voices were shouting fiercely. Much more than one would expect on a peaceful merchant vessel. He could make out Jim cursing in Spanish. In the chaos of voices Ed tried to pinpoint Stede's, but he couldn't single him out.
Suddenly, footsteps trampled on one of the staircases leading down to him. Ed was on his feet in a flash. He may be voluntarily imprisoned but he wouldn't die on his knees if someone was spoiling for a fight.
To Ed's uttermost surprise, it was Lucius who came running towards him, eyes nervously widened in fear. But not of him. Ed frowned. "What's going on?"
"Well, short version, it's hell up there!" Lucius chattered immediately. "Something went wrong. We went over there, all bold and piratey, but there were soldiers on board. Don't know why, maybe the merchants rescued them from a shipwreck or something. There are only a handful, but they're heavily armed!" Lucius stressed.
Ed's fists curled tightly around the iron bars. He was trying to keep listening to the boy, but his mind was stuck in a frantic loop of Stede, Stede, Stede.
"The merchants are fighting back now, too, and some of us got captured. Stede is trying to get them free, but there are too many of them. Izzy is trying his best to keep the Captain's head attached. They'll try to take hold of the Revenge next." Lucius paused to see the determination shining bright and dangerous in Ed's eyes and he did not shy back. "We really could use some help up there."
Ed clenched his jaw and nodded once. Lucius turned to get the key.
There was no time wasted to consider this. It would be Ed's first time properly pirating again since before the storm. The Kraken was stirring within him, but it wasn't looking to work against him this time. The Kraken and Ed had found a common enemy and it was currently threatening Stede, everyone and everything he loved.
The door to the cage creaked in its hinges as a stone-faced Lucius swung it opened. They looked at each other. "I need my stuff." said Ed, looking down on himself in his ridiculous get-up.
"Already one step ahead of you." said Lucius and threw a heavy black bundle over into Ed's arms.
His leathers.
Unabashed, Ed turned around, stripped off his gunnysack and collar and slipped into his trusty, well-worn gear. The leather still fitted to him like a second skin and Ed could feel how his confidence grew. Fear morphed to anger.
But Ed alone was in control.
He turned back around facing Lucius and meeting his eyes with fire in his own. The boy still didn't flinch but as he reached behind him his mouth rippled sourly. From the waistband of his trousers, Lucius procured a pistol, Ed's favourite dagger and a sword.
His voice was smooth and cold as he said, "You're gonna need these, too."
There was a clear warning behind those words not to betray him again and Ed vowed to heed it.
Together they stumbled on deck and it just so happened that the unfortunate Lucius stepped right in the way of a British naval officer who ran at him with a drawn sword. The boy shrieked and Ed quickly stepped in front of him, sinking his own sword in one fell swoop through the soldier's belly before the blade could touch Lucius.
He retracted and the officer fell down with a groan, clutching his wound. Ed wiped the blood off on his leg and looked into the boy's frightened eyes. "Good?" he asked briskly.
Lucius was still shivering, but he nodded. "Yeah."
Ed turned back around to get a general idea of the situation he just stepped into. There weren't that many soldiers on the Revenge yet. Roach was chasing one of them across the deck, screaming like a lunatic with self-made torturing devices made from nails and clubs in each hand. Further off was Fang, defending the quarterdeck from two more naval officers and it looked like he was gaining the upper hand.
Everyone else must be over there.
Ed's eyes flitted over to the ship next to the Revenge. He couldn't exactly make out what was happening on deck, but it was chaos for sure. Cries, the clanging of metal and gunshots.
He couldn't find Stede.
Ed turned back around to Lucius. "Go and help Fang. Tell him to defend the wheel by any means necessary and tell him to be ready to get out of here on my signal."
"Okay." stuttered Lucius. "Which signal?"
"He'll know."
Ed ran towards the starboard side of the ship and climbed the railing. He grabbed a rope that just came swinging towards him, bearing a belligerent merchant, easily pushed him off into the sea and used it to swing back onto the opposing vessel.
The madness intensified. Cries and shots swelled louder but Ed kept a clear head. He knew who he was looking for.
In the middle of the deck he spotted Olu, Black Pete and Archie lying flat on the ground, kept in check by a bunch of feisty merchants with clubs.
Frenchie sported his scissor hands again and had obviously learned to hold his own under the captaincy of the Kraken. Well, it had been fight or die every single day.
Four men were trying to get close to Wee John and force him to the ground, but he fought them off like a giant among dwarfs.
Jim had managed to climb the rigging and was throwing knives at everyone who tried to hurt their crewmates. Right now their focus seemed to be directed to the front where...
Stede...
He was standing on the quarterdeck, sword-fighting against a naval officer. Yet, he was successfully blocking every hit but it was obvious that he was slowly driven into a corner. Izzy was close, fighting alone against three men, trying to get to Stede. But he was struggling. The unicorn leg wasn't obeying him like his real one would've.
My fault, a voice sneered in Ed's mind but he shook it off. No time for self-loathing now.
He took off across the deck, parrying swords, stabbing if he had to. He ran directly towards the group of merchants holding a third of the Revenge crew down. Dagger in one hand, sword in the other, hair flying wildly around his face, his eyes screaming bloody murder.
One of the merchants looked up. He did a double take and stepped backwards. His mouth formed a name and even though Ed couldn't hear it, he knew which one it would be. It grabbed the immediate attention of his mates who all stared at him with fear in their eyes.
The name swelled up audibly. "Blackbeard! It's Blackbeard!"
And then they scurried away, screaming, just before Ed could reach them. He knelt over Archie who was closest to him and freed her rope bounds with a quick snap of the dagger. Pointedly, he slammed the knife down next to her and caught her surprised gaze.
"Free the others. Get back on the Revenge." he ordered and he ran on.
More men of the opposing crew had caught wind of his arrival and while the merchants mostly froze in fear and tried to keep out of his way, the soldiers charged right at him.
He could hear Jim shouting from above, warning him whenever someone new joined the fight. He was dodging more violent blows, forced to go for the kill more often now. But that didn't make Ed hesitate anymore. The Kraken had taught him how to fight.
With the help of Jim he managed to slaughter his way through the handful of soldiers and right on time, too, because Izzy was on the back foot.
He blocked a strike that could've been lethal to his first mate and slowly pushed the sword back. Metal scraping against metal and his eyes dark as ink. The soldier tried to fight back but Ed was stronger. He looked at Izzy who used the pause to breathe through and straighten his stance.
"Took you long enough." he grunted and Ed simply nodded.
He finally pushed the soldier away and, together with Izzy, Ed forced him further up the stairs of the quarterdeck. He was close now. Ed could hear the sound of the swords up in front where Stede was fighting.
They all stood on the same level now, scattered around the wheel. The soldier in front of them just stumbled backwards and landed on his ass, giving Ed room to run past him when he heard a sound that turned the blood in his veins to ice.
A startled whimper.
Ed looked over and saw Stede on the floor. He'd lost his sword and the naval officer stood above him, keeping him down with the blade, but reaching for his gun.
"NO!" Ed cried wildly, hand flying to his holster.
It all happened quickly. Izzy stabbed the defeated soldier in the chest and Ed fired.
Blood sprayed. He'd hit the head. The naval officer went down immediately and Ed locked eyes with Stede over his corpse.
Still breathing. Adrenaline making his eyes glow.
Ed hurried over, putting his pistol away and helping Stede off the ground. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Stede's lungs were pumping and, suddenly, he lost his frenzied glare. "Oh, Ed!" His voice wavered. "I messed it up again."
"No, you didn't. Couldn't have seen this coming." he said and pulled him into a quick, calming kiss. "Come on, we need to go."
With Stede held close under his arm Ed turned around. Izzy was already waiting impatiently, but he hadn't said anything about Ed's little display of affection. He nodded at him again and Ed grabbed his gun once more to fire into the air.
A sail flapped and the Revenge slowly started to move. Most of the crew was already back on the ship, manning the rigging and cutting the ropes. Jim and Archie had stayed behind, making sure that no one kept them from leaving.
Izzy, Ed and Stede joined them and together they made their quick escape. Ed was last, swinging on the rope and just so managing to hold on to the railing of the speed-gaining Revenge. He could feel his fingers slipping, but Stede and Olu grabbed him under the arms and pulled him on deck.
The distance to the merchant vessel increased as the wind quickly carried them away. The other ship wasn't trying to follow them. Apart from their armed surprise cargo the ship didn't have any cannons whereas the Revenge certainly did.
It was their luck.
Ed had an arm wrapped around Stede as he looked across the ocean, keeping an eye on the merchant ship, and Stede in turn had his arm wrapped around him. A quick check to make sure that everyone was back on board showed Ed that the other couples were standing close to each other as well, taking stock of each other's injuries.
Lucius and Pete were kissing quite passionately. Olu had his big arms wrapped around Jim and Archie who hugged him tightly on either side.
Ed's eyes landed back on Stede when he carefully touched his cheek. "Are you alright, Edward?"
He huffed. "'Course I am. What about you? They almost killed you, you know? We had a deal!"
"I know. Sorry." Stede pulled a face. "We underestimated their manpower. But you saved the day as usual."
Ed made an unintelligible sound of protest but then winced as Stede touched his upper arm.
"You're hurt." Stede exclaimed worriedly as Ed examined his right arm; the only part of his body not covered by sturdy leather. A little blood trickled from a cut that reached from his tattooed bands to his elbow.
"Just a scrape." shrugged Ed and reached out to wipe blood from Stede's forehead and cheek. Not his own, fortunately, but from the officer Ed shot in the head. His fingers lingered gently and he felt the strong urge to pull Stede tightly into his arms, kiss him and then look him over more closely. "You sure you're alright?" he asked instead, hands against the planes of Stede's broad chest.
"I think so, yes." he smiled. "That was close. Who would've thought that we pick a ship that just so happened to be filled with armed soldiers?"
"Me. I thought that." claimed Black Pete.
Roach raised his hand. "Yeah, me, too."
"That's just our luck, isn't it?" shrugged Wee John.
"Well," mumbled Ed. "I'd say next time you rather check twice before raiding a vessel." He glanced at Olu who cowered guiltily.
"Yes, Blackbeard." he said, but then quickly shook his head, correcting himself. "I mean, Sir... I-I mean-"
"Just... Ed. Please." Ed said softly, eyes cast downwards. He was waiting for a snort of protest. A sneer from Izzy. Anything but silence. He looked back up and met with smiles. Small nods. Acceptance.
Ed looked away again. Preventing them from seeing his eyes water. His throat close up.
Just Ed.
Could he be just Ed again? Would they be able to trust him again one day so that they wouldn't call him Blackbeard, Monster or Fucking Lunatic behind his back?
Stede brushed their knuckles together and his encouraging smile almost broke Ed. Maybe the crew wouldn't have cared if he cried, but Ed rather wanted to be out of the spotlight now.
"Well then..." he mumbled. "I guess I go get my other clothes then. I rather miss the bell." Stede frowned as Ed pulled away, intending to leave the deck.
"It's fine." Lucius suddenly spoke up; loud enough that everyone could hear him. Ed paused and looked at the boy, who shrugged his crossed arms with a half-roll of his eyes. As if what he said next wasn't a big deal at all. "You saved our asses back there. Saved my life within five seconds on deck."
There was agreeable murmuring from the crew all around.
"I may not trust you yet and, don't get me wrong, I still hate you for pushing me off the ship, but..." Lucius sighed dramatically. "I do believe that you no longer want to murder us, so... you can keep your leather stuff."
Again the crew agreed more enthusiastically. Ed gazed around, at a loss for words. He caught Lucius throwing a glance at Izzy, who stood a bit to the side and seemed to smile, yes, smile, proudly at the cabin boy.
Stede stepped next to Ed again, grinning excitedly. "Does this mean... the probation is over?"
A chorus of 'yeah', 'sure' and 'you saved us, man' echoed all around and Stede's grin widened. "Oh! Excellent!" he exclaimed and looked at Ed, seeming to prompt him for something.
He panicked briefly, put on the spot again, but then mumbled a shy, heartfelt 'thank you' into the round.
"Yes, thank you, guys!" Stede repeated louder. "I really appreciate this."
"Don't you think I forgot about you," noted Lucius sassily. "It's your fault that he went absolutely mental. I'm still angry with you, too."
"Oh, alright." Stede replied soberly. "Understandable."
"It's not his fault." Another voice suddenly spoke up and everyone turned in surprise... to Izzy.
Ed blinked at him. Dumbfounded, because it was so long since he heard Izzy talk and because he was obviously defending Stede, of all people. Stupid, fucking Stede Bonnet, as he often used to call him.
"It's not Ed's fault, either." Izzy was looking at him now, but he was still only talking to the crew. Addressing them all.
"When Bonnet left, Ed... well, he coped alright all things considered. Locking himself in his quarters, crying all night like an infant and writing soppy lyrics, didn't he, twatty? But you hopelessly soft bunch of pirates, you accepted him anyway." Izzy smiled and it pained him to do so. Ed could tell. He smiled because there was no use to still fight it and on the inside Izzy was maybe just as broken as Ed. "He was alright." he continued. "Or he would've been eventually. Just... holding on..."
Ed tensed sharply. This was very similar to a line in a song he had written back then and he wondered if Izzy knew about it or if it was just a coincidence that he was using the same words.
Fingers bleeding. Down to the bone now. Hold on. Hold on.
Yes. Ed had been desperately trying to hold on to his sanity.
Izzy talked on and he proved once more that he knew Ed better than anyone else: "But then I got to him and I forced him to let go." Izzy paused, looking at the ground. "I wanted Blackbeard... but I summoned... something darker."
The Kraken, thought Ed and from the way Stede unquestioningly grabbed his hand, Ed could tell that he knew this, too. Stede knew about the Kraken and he immediately understood what Ed needed from him.
"So, if you want to put the blame on anyone for the last months..." Izzy concluded. "Put it on me." There was a wobble in his voice, so entirely uncharacteristic for his first mate that it startled Ed and he held Stede's hand tighter.
For a moment there was silence. Just waves and seagulls and uncomfortable, mounting guilt. Then something remarkable happened that probably wouldn't have happened on any other pirate ship.
The crew came together to comfort Izzy. Ed heard words like 'jilted lover' and 'got caught in the middle' and he had to smile a bit. Izzy would be fine. At some point, he'd probably explode from all the love and attention he was getting, but until then he'd be fine.
Stede interlaced his fingers with Ed's and smiled softly. "Come on, let us both retire to our quarters." he suggested pointedly. "We should take a closer look at your nasty cut."
"Fine." said Ed. "But no funny business, yeah?" he added when he noticed that Lucius and Pete split from the group and were sneakily heading below deck, too. Hand in hand, giggling amorously.
"Of course." grinned Stede, acting all shocked that Ed would think that of him. As if to further prove his point, he shouted, "Roach, go fetch your salve and meet us in the Captains' quarters. You need to take a look at Ed's arm."
"Aye, Captain." nodded the doctor/cook and hurried away.
Stede was so preoccupied watching him go that he tripped over the edge of a chest that was sitting next to the door to the hallway. "Ow!" he cried and Ed had to catch him so he wouldn't fall.
"Careful." He grinned. "Can't have you survive a raid that clearly wasn't in your favour, but then trip and hit your head on board your own ship."
"It's this treasure lying around everywhere." Stede complained half-heartedly. "Maybe we should do something about it." He smiled at Ed and the Kraken was wondrously calm and silent. "But, first, let's take care of you, shall we?"
I know, it's a quite abrupt ending, but I wanted to link it clearly to episode 6, haha.
If you enjoyed this, I'm currently writing on a multi-chaptered story about Ed and Stede's innkeeper life, but I'm not sure yet where I'm going with it. Once I got that figured out, I can hopefully post it.
Until then, leave a review lovely readers!