Determination. It's similar to motivation, and is close enough that, at times, you could say one and mean the other, and it would still make sense. The difference lies in the subtleties that each one has.

Motivation is the driving spark. It's a match to fuel, the startup of an engine. It's the initial push that sends everything driving forward. On the other hand, determination is the grit and stubbornness to see that motivation through.

I've always thought of myself as determined. Maybe it was borne of the naivety and bitterness I felt about society as I saw it. Maybe not. Even so, the stubbornness that I felt, that I showed and still show, I thought of as my own determination to be my own person.

Looking back on it, it was nothing short of stupidity.

You could be determined to see something you started through. You could be determined to be a unique person within a field of monotone. You could be determined to start up a club with no other members, for the sole reason that you wanted to help the world be a better place.

Or, you could just be determined to live a good life.

Not everything needs to be a grand, heroic journey of self-discovery or an epic quest to change the world. Sometimes, determination is about the smaller battles, the personal victories that no one else might see or even understand. It's the decision to keep moving forward, even when the path is unclear, and the outcomes are uncertain.

And, along the way, I realized I never thought of my own, personal determination as that way.

It was always about proving society wrong. That my way was the only way that I was satisfied with. I thought that my own trials and tribulations were the sign that I needed to go against that suffocating idea of normal that society was obsessed with.

They were nothing but the delusions of a teenage chuuni.

The more I spent time here, I understood more and more that determination is just living.

Just living.

Not in the sense of merely existing, but living in a way that's true to oneself. It's about making choices that reflect who you are, or at least, who you aspire to be. It's about facing the day-to-day with a certain kind of stubbornness, a refusal to be swayed by the transient whims of society or the fleeting judgments of others.

I had my ambitions wrong. I didn't need to go against society. I needed to find my place within it, on my own terms.

This doesn't mean conforming to every expectation or bending to every societal norm. Rather, it means recognizing that sometimes, the greatest act of determination is finding balance. It's about understanding where you stand, not just in opposition to the world, but as a part of it.

I've come to see that my version of determination was skewed. It was more about defiance than understanding. More about rejection than acceptance. But true determination, the kind that's worth aspiring to, is about navigating life with a clear sense of self, while also being open to change and growth.

That said, this doesn't discount the appeal of the stubbornness I had originally felt. I still wanted to find a way home. And in doing so, I needed the determination to find something that may very well change the very fabric of magic in this world.

Nor does it discount the determination I was seeing from Natsuki as he spoke.

Judging from the faces I saw around the table, I wasn't the only one surprised at the passion that he had. The kid's been here for, what, less than a month, and he's managing to talk about the White Whale with enough emotion in his voice that if he had been anyone else, I would've assumed that he was a veteran who'd lost someone to the mabeast.

I suppose only time will tell, whether his own determination, to defeat the Whale, is borne out of a skewed perspective or not.

…

"-alone. We need to band together if we want to beat this thing. That's why I'm proposing a coalition between our two camps. Even if it's just for defeating the Whale. Please!" Natsuki finished with a bow.

I had to give it to him. I was impressed. He had laid out what he'd known of the Whale. One of which was already enough to sound the alarm bells.

It wasn't about the fact that the White Whale had hairs that allowed it to tank magic. That was just par for the course in this fucked up world. The mere fact that the Whale was still alive despite monsters like the Mathers family and their lineage of powerful mages was enough to confirm that the Whale at least had some protection against magic.

It was the other ability it had that was worrying. The ability to wipe people from history. How utterly broken. And judging by the mess of raised eyebrows, this was a guarded secret. One that Natsuki refused to tell how he managed to get.

And now, he was proposing a coalition between the Karsten and the Emilia camps.

Realistically speaking, Karsten would benefit from having Natsuki on her side. Not as much as Emilia, but enough that the idea would've been one that I'd be pushing for had I been in Karsten's camp.

"Su~baru." Mathers cut through the silence with a tone that brokered just the slightest bit of annoyance, "Are you cer~tain you are in the position to be making such deals?"

"It's fine, Roswaal." Emilia raised a hand to placate the margrave, "Subaru asked me about it earlier, and I gave my consent. I believe in Subaru, and if the Whale is even as bad as he makes it out to be, we're not going to be in any position to do anything."

Her words made Mathers sigh, "I suppose so. Should the Whale come here, I don't think even my own power will be enough. I must re~mind you though, only one person can be king."

"That's fine, Margrave Mathers." Karsten showed no indication of what she was thinking as she calmly took a sip of her tea, "What I want to know is what exactly your camp can provide us with, should we accept your offer."

That was the main issue then. For all of Natsuki's talk, not once did he give any mind as to why Karsten should accept. Anything that Natsuki and Emilia could give, hell, maybe even Mathers himself could give, Karsten could get at a moment's notice.

From where I stood, at the sidelines watching it all unfold, I could see nothing that Natsuki could realistically offer. And indeed, I saw Natsuki's confidence just tilt slightly as everyone's eyes were now on him to reply.

I shook my head. Overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer. Even for Natsuki, with what he's done now, that adage was as true as anything else. I saw Argyle frown, no doubt he was coming to the same conclusion.

At some unseen signal, Karsten and her entourage stood up. Just as the duchess opened her mouth, no doubt to bid everyone their goodbyes, Natsuki raised a hand, "Wait!"

"Hm?"

"Alright, cards on the table. You fight the Whale, you all die. Or worse. Then, because you're wiped from history, nobody knows that the Whale is there, and a lot of people will die." Natsuki was scowling, and even I couldn't help the grimace that formed.

From what I could tell, the Whale had every advantage. No matter how strong the individual knight was, the fact was that the Whale fucking flew. Only a handful of people could ever hope to literally reach that high, and with the artillery in this world being based on magic spells, the Whale could rampage with its erasure ability without ever getting near a sword.

Natsuki stared at me.

Ah.

"Fuck no."

There was a reason that I was here. It was never to 'meet' Karsten, since I wasn't even part of the Emilia camp. No, it had entirely to do with what I've been doing, what my research has been. Even if I had only just tested it, I had no doubt Natsuki's bullshit protagonist abilities knew what I was going with.

Portals.

Height doesn't matter when I could just make a portal. The Whale couldn't avoid swords if I just transported the entire army with a portal.

I could quite possibly change the battlefield with what I've researched.

And I fucking hate it.

"Come on Hikigaya! You haven't even heard what I was going to say!"

"Anyone with two brain cells could get what the fuck you're going to ask. My answer remains as 'fuck' and 'no'."

Natsuki was asking me to risk my life, for the lives of veritable strangers. No, that was too much. I was willing to do a lot, willing to try anything short of shattering my moral compass, in order to find a way back home.

This was well beyond that. There was no reward for me, no incentive. Nothing but the whims of Subaru Natsuki.

Natsuki's eyes were still on me, burning with that same intensity that I had come to recognize as his brand of determination. It was different from mine, more raw.

Desperate.

And yet, there was a sincerity in it that I couldn't outright dismiss.

"Look, Hikigaya," he started, his voice dropping to a more earnest tone, "I get it. I really do. You have no reason to risk your neck for this. But think about it, isn't this a chance? A chance to test your theories, your research. You've been working on those portals, right? This could be the breakthrough you need."

"Or I could do so in the safety of the capital." I retorted. There was nothing stopping me from doing research in my shop anymore. Not with my portals. I could just portal in and out, and nobody would notice. I scoffed as Natsuki kept his head bowed.

I stood up, now alongside the duchess and made to leave.

"Ah~ Hikigaya-san. Please wait a moment." It was only Mathers that stopped me from leaving outright. I glanced back at him, not trusting my voice with how fucking pissed I was.

Natsuki may be the damn protagonist, but who the fuck does he think I am? I didn't want the recognition. I didn't want fame. Nothing that defeating the White Whale would give me, I had any interest in.

Nothing that I would be willing to risk my life, with nothing to gain.

And with the risk of being wiped from history…

Would those people from back home be affected as well? Would everything that we had done in the Service Club be erased from their minds?

I couldn't take that risk for nothing in return.

"You've proven yourself to be a reli~able person." Mathers spoke with a smile on his face. It was a smile that made me feel like I'm looking at the elder Yukinoshita sister, to be completely honest, "I will be willing to grant you access to my private collection, even more so than the Forbidden Library, should you help us in this matter."

"Roswaal, what are you saying, in fact!?" Beatrice, silent from the beginning, suddenly stood with an angered look on her features. Even the maids looked slightly taken aback at the margrave's proposition.

And, as much as I hated the idea of risking my life, I can't help but feel intrigued.

"Uh-huh."

Without even acknowledging the Great Spirit, Mathers continued, "I have in my collection some notes written by…someone of renown within the field of magical research. Notes that may help in your own research."

Fuck. I found myself pausing, the weight of his offer sinking in.

This was too good to be true, but going by how Karsten was looking back and forth without saying anything, I was more inclined to think that Mathers was telling the truth.

The previous arrangement may not have been the best, but this one? This one might just be worth it.

"Excuse me," Karsten coughed with a lifted eyebrow, "What exactly are you talking about?"

…

In the end, I accepted helping them, not just in the portals, but also the weapons and armor that Karsten's knights would need. In return, I would have access to whatever Mathers was teasing.

Karsten accepted after I told her I was willing to give a discount on whatever I made - this was now not just their lives on the line, but mine as well, and I was going to make sure I lived through this. That, and the opportunity to reduce the amount of possible casualties in her little army was more than enough to sway her.

Say what you want about her, Karsten really did care about her people. Maybe that's why she was such a favorite to win.

Natsuki celebrated by doing that shitty pose of his.

Everyone else did so by having a dinner that wasn't potatoes. At least one good thing came from all this.

After the dinner though, I cornered Natsuki, my anger having not diminished in the meantime.

"Never. Do. That. Again. Understand?" I didn't give him a chance to ask what I wanted. He already knew, he was just playing dumb. With an almost reluctant nod, I saw him shift his head back and forth. Trying to find anyone that was listening.

There was none. The others had all retired for the night, and it was just us in the hallway.

"Look, Hikigaya, I know that you're angry-"

"Understand?"

"I understand dude, really, I do! But you've got to listen to me, I have my reasons."

"Frankly, I don't give a shit about whatever fucking bullshit you could-"

"Felt and Old Man Rom are in danger!"

"..."

"On the day that the White Whale makes its move, some guy named Regulus will come into your shop and attack them. I've got no idea who he is, but he's bad news. He's probably even stronger than Elsa!"

"...That's why you wanted me in on this, isn't it?" That was my plan when I heard everything about the White Whale. Hide out in my shop till the danger passes. And if this Regulus was really that strong, then we wouldn't have stood a chance.

I didn't bother questioning whether Natsuki was telling the truth at this point. I just chalked it up to more of his own abilities, whatever they were.

"I'll get them somewhere safe when I can. As for you, I still stand by what I said. Don't do that shit a second time."

"...Right! Thanks, Hikigaya."

Sometimes, I fucking hate my life. Scratch that, it's not sometimes.

I just hate my life in general.

A/N: I also want to say again that I post a chapter weekly, according to a schedule. It goes Chronal-Anomaly-Living Life. If you like what I do and want to support me, check out my P-atreon at P-atreon•com(slash)Almistyor.

And a special thanks to: FireRogueWolf25, brutalcrab and Tassimo.