Elsa nearly misses the chime on her phone as she pulls into the driveway. Ominous email notification from the University of North Carolina
RE: SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION - ELSA WILLIAMS
Thank you for your interest in applying to the University of North Carolina. After careful consideration of your application, we have decided not to proceed…
A damming wave of heat bursts through Elsa's face. She shuts her phone off. Instinct reaches for that notebook buried in her bag just so she'd have something to stop herself from spiralling out of control. Five college names written on a page in black ink. Three red lines running through them. She adds another one today.
1: Duke
2: Wake
3: NC State
4: University of South Carolina
5: University of North Carolina
Not even USC wants me.
Her head jerks at the realisation she'd said that out loud. In the confines of her car, the words echo back into her head. Unwanted. The red ink smudges under her tears. She tosses the book over her shoulder. And her phone. "Fuck," she mutters under her breath. Before she curses the car's silence, mocking the vacant hollowness within her soul. She grits her teeth and slams the steering wheel so hard that her palm throbs in blinding pain.
"Fuck!" the deafening scream chafes her throat.
A hurtful bubble rises within her stomach. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve anything life has given you. All the care and support from wealthy parents. All the undeserved affection from Anna. Even the gentle concern from Principal Anderson appears out of touch which just how far she has fallen short. Her mind spins into a freefall, and Elsa tumbles out the door before she can destroy herself any further. Coughing out her self-pity into the beautifully manicured lawn. There's only one thing left to do. Better to go through the pain now than hole it up for later.
Dad's slouching on the couch watching NCAA basketball again. He fails to notice her tears. Pointing at the fridge and muttering about mom being late.
"I'm not hungry," Elsa croaks in a hoarse voice.
"Sure you aren't," he doesn't even look up.
"We need to talk."
He switches off the TV. Oh that gets his attention.
"That's a first," Agnarr mumbles. Before her notebook slides across the coffee table; ugly red smudged ink telling him what she's afraid to say aloud. He takes a second to comprehend, before his expression falters. And she counts the wrinkles sprouting on his forehead in those few moments of tense silence. Wondering if they'd show up on hers.
"Oh Jesus, Elsa," he covers his mouth, elbows on his lap, "even USC?"
Yes, even USC.
The defense mechanisms honed from years of put-downs and criticism kicks in. She steels her broken voice as hard as she can.
"I'll pay my way, I'll take loans," Elsa argues, that cracked voice betraying how utterly shattered she is, "I'll get a job - you don't have to pay a dime for me. I don't want to-"
"Listen, it's not about the money. It was never about the money," Agnarr shoots back, "Between your mother and I - we've enough money to send three of you to college-"
The revelation seals her mouth shut. Throbbing heartbeat steadies when he traces the still-damp page. Before he looks into her eyes. With that gentle, concerned gaze she'd forgot he ever had.
"H-have you been crying into this list?"
Elsa purses her lips. She swallows away her snivel. But it comes out anyway.
"Elsa, we just want the best for you."
Her fists clench and unclench in the muggy warmth between them. Like she's trying to clutch hold of a dream that's drifting further and further away with each rejection.
"What if NC State rejects me?"
Agnarr sighs, before he pushes the notebook back.
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Agnarr reassures, shrugging off her worries, "until then, just. Well, just pray that whatever Maui said on your behalf was good enough."
Good enough.
Those two words stretch into a thin line of angst and touches every sore spot from every achievement she's had throughout high school but fallen short. Her chest aches. She shuts her eyes and fights off the impending tears that threaten to come. And yet, that thin line winds up somewhere in the pouring rain. Slender arms hugging her tight like it were the last time. Anna's sputtery lips breathing into her ears that she was good enough.
That gentle smile doesn't go unnoticed.
"What're you smiling at?"
Agnarr turns the TV back on. She checks the time on her phone. 7:00 PM.
"Nothing," Elsa mumbles, getting off the couch, "I have to go."
"Where're you going?"
Elsa freezes in place. Bold-faced lies sprout at the front of her mind. Rapunzel. Studying. No. Watching a movie. No. Agnarr reads her mind before she says it.
"I'm not going to stop you, Christ," Agnarr rolls his eyes, "It's late out - we just need to know where."
Was every violent argument they've had enough for her to finally be free of their persistent nagging? Especially after her shitshow of results still strewn on their table? She grips her jeans, and prays her father has changed as much as she has. Elsa lets loose the words before her mind can take them back.
"I'm picking Anna up from her prom."
There's a twitch in his face. Almost imperceptible at first. But that pained furrowing of his brows isn't. She gulps at his fingers curling into the leather seat. But at once his attention turns back to the TV.
"Fine, don't stay out too late."
That sigh of relief sticks in her throat until she's safe within her car again. Spewing out in one long realisation that some people, perhaps - deserve second chances.
The thumping hip-hop music grates on Anna's ears. It's loud, and it wouldn't be bad if it'd gotten past the third repeat of that same Travis Scott song off some kid's Spotify playlist. Hooked up to a squeaky set of speakers. In the carpark. Under the open night sky. None of this stops the near feral levels of dancing going down. She's swept up in the cheering as an impromptu breakdance competition gets underway. Right in the thick sea of students in whatever formal wear they'd saved money for.
If there's a single way Anna could've imagined ending high school; sitting on the bonnet a teacher's car and swigging Hooch from a paper bag while Belle slurs on about her mother is not one of them. The liquor doesn't sit well in her empty belly. And there's nothing on the tables but stale nachos - and even those have been reduced to crumbs. She slouches back on her elbows as Belle lights another cigarette. Looking at the moonlight leaving pale ripples in the pleats of her dark dress, and trying not to feel too overdressed.
"Still no news about chem?" Belle asks.
Anna bums the cigarette from Belle and exhales a wispy lace of smoke into the night air. She shakes her head.
"Tough."
The question forces her eyes back to the crowd of Clemson students getting lost in the rampant festivities. She wonders how many of them are high on meth. How many of them have actually graduated, or have anything to do besides getting lost in the moment. And how much she's spent her entire high school life struggling to exist in the now. At least before she met Elsa. A car's headlights sweep across the parking lot. She leaps from the bonnet, thinking it's Elsa's Lexus pulling in. But shrinks back from Jackson's beat-up Chevy parking next to her.
His imposing presence fails to dampen the party atmosphere. Ignoring the unmarked hooch bottles in students' hands or the cannabis-laced rap music. Her throat closes at the orange Manila folder in his hand.
"Miller," Jackson's voice rises over the music, picking out a stapled test, "your results are back."
She looks down at the cover sheet from a chem test she forgot she'd even taken. Stamped with another school's district seal. All she'd have to do is turn the first page and find out if the path she'd worked so hard to forge would lead her out of this hole. Her eyes turn to Belle, who's already wandered off in search for more booze.
"Good luck with them, you've had a hell of a year," Jackson mumbles, patting her shoulder.
Those few stapled sheets of A4 paper feel like a bundle of dynamite waiting to explode. Jackson walks away in search of the other four kids. Brusque voice hollering across the parking lot. Her eyes avert to Elsa's Lexus pulling into the parking lot. She stuffs those results into her satchel without looking. Hands crossed behind her back. Biting on her lip in bated anticipation at seeing that blessed blonde once again.
Elsa's gaze flies to the rancorous dancing shaking the compound with energy. Before it locks upon Anna. Her lips part. Feet drifting closer as if propelled by the same magnetic force of attraction that drew them together at Eugene's party. Her eyes glaze over. A grin curls on Anna's face when she watches them rove the silhouette of her figure.
"Y-you're wearing a dress," Elsa's words form an incoherent stammer.
"Of course I am, silly," Anna answers, doing a twirl beneath the stars, "It's not a fancy gown though, how do I look?"
Anna watches Elsa's lips try to form some kind of stuttering reply, before it fails her completely. She grabs hold of the blonde's elbow. The forceful grasp snaps her daze.
"Are you alright?" Anna asks, looking up into Elsa's eyes, "You look like you're lost in a daydream. Or a nightdream. Or a prom-dream or whatever."
And she finally hears the words Elsa meant to say.
"I'm lost in the dream that is you," Elsa whispers, before her lips curl into a smile. A blush spreads through Anna's face, and she knows it's not the hooch acting up.
"Oh god, save those words for your next chapter - you're gonna melt me into a puddle," Anna brushes her knuckles over Elsa's cheeks, and watches a faintest tinge of pink grace them, "at least let me eat something first?"
"Don't they serve food at your prom?" Elsa takes Anna's hand in hers.
"Not unless you count gas station Nachos as food," Anna groans, "could we get out of here? I haven't eaten all day."
Without another word, Elsa opens the door for Anna. And in those silent few seconds it takes for Elsa to walk over. In that little space where the music fades away and all she hears is the thump of her racing heart. Anna completely forgets about that stick of dynamite in her bag waiting to explode.
Despite the giddy attraction tingling between them in the parking lot - its heat quickly cools to a sullen melancholy as they drive to McDonalds. Silence drapes the roomy car interiors. Not even Audioslave's music from Elsa's Spotify Playlist can stir Anna's demeanour. But Aerosmith does the trick - and she cranks up the volume. Screaming the lyrics like there's nothing left on earth for her anymore.
So listen
All I want is someone I can't resist
I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed
Elsa chuckles, "Your prom's music was that bad huh?"
"I fucking hate hiphop!" Anna belts in tune to the chorus. Her voice falls to a tender volume; whispering a verse that sinks into Elsa's consciousness. And tightens that invisible knot around her heart.
Now the word out on the street
Is the devil's in your kiss
If our love goes up in flames
It's a fire I can't resist
She parks the car into a McDonalds parking lot. Looking over at Anna. Electricity crackles across her chest when she notices the girl had been staring at her the entire time. Singing the lyrics to her. Eyes dip to Anna's lips. Her amorous gaze quickly curls the redhead's smile into huge grin.
"W-what're you smiling at?" Elsa breaks that thread drawing them closer with each note.
"You," Anna teases, before she adjusts her hair, "Or I'm just glad we're finally getting something to eat."
Elsa tries not to let the disappointment show on her face as Anna leads her into McDonalds. The lights are mind-numbingly bright. There's a faint stench of sewage and a dude's starting a fight with the service staff over spilled soda and nuggets. So they sit outside on a stone bench. Beneath the same starry night sky that brought them together. Anna doesn't stand on ceremony, devouring her quarter-pounder like she hasn't eaten for days. And Elsa. Elsa doesn't even remember when's the last time she had McDonalds.
"I'm taking your fries if you aren't having them," Anna sniggers.
"Be my guest," Elsa slides over her packet of fries. Taking pensive nibbles of her chicken burger and wondering when was the last time fast food tasted this good.
Anna mumbles with her mouth full, "Something on your mind?"
Elsa sighs. Looking away at the night's star-studded blanket hovering above. Fragrance of onions between them. The pleats of Anna's dress draped over the curve of her thigh. Blue eyes waiting for an answer. Yea, something's on her mind alright.
You.
How many more of these moments we can share.
How I can ever look at anyone else and feel the same way.
She bites back every simmering hangup knocking about her chest, and sighs again, "My scholarship applications aren't going well."
Anna's eyes widen.
"Please don't take this the wrong way," Elsa reassures, "My parents can afford to send me to college - I just feel like I've already let them down with how many rejections I've received."
A pause. Anna swallows.
"They'll still support you even if you don't get a full-ride, yes?" Anna inquires, "And even without that - there's always…work? I don't know how much it matters-"
"I'm overthinking it," Elsa looks down, "it's a nasty habit - always days or weeks or months ahead and I've never given myself a chance to live in the moment-"
Anna jolts upright. She lays a hand on Elsa's leg, and that's all it takes to shut her up.
"That is so not a nasty habit," Anna assures, "In fact, I wish I could be like you sometimes."
"Planning your life that far ahead?" Elsa slides a hand over Anna's.
A reply forms in Anna's throat, but it comes out in a stuttery gasp when Elsa presses those fingers to her lips. Locking eyes with her as she kisses the smear of ketchup off her fingertips. A tremble forms in her hands. And it spreads a smirk on Elsa's face.
"That'll teach you not to put your grimy fingers on my jeans," Elsa teases.
"So much for living in the moment, huh?" Anna clenches Elsa's hand tight, and turns to face her, "Listen, Elsa. I don't know if this is the right time. B-but I know for sure that I want to do something with you. Right now."
She blushes hard at the thought of Anna's lips tasting like chicken nuggets and ketchup.
Disappointment hits her when Anna reaches into her bag and retrieves her chemistry results. The look on Anna's face tells Elsa everything she needs to know. Months of griping over her crumpled table of results. Chemistry tuition. That constant, forlorn look in Anna's eyes every time they talk about Ethyls and Aklenes. It all comes down to this.
"Y-you haven't checked?" Elsa can feel the buzz in Anna's hands.
"I-I wanted to wait for you," Anna's voice tremors, "you had a part to play in this as much as I did."
"Not as much as you, Anna," Elsa's breath hitches in her throat as she reaches for the cover page, "Are you ready?"
Anna covers her mouth, watching her hope of a better future lying beneath those slender fingers, "Yes? I mean, no? But if I have you with me? Always."
It's only a sheet of paper, but she feels the weight of Anna's dreams pressing down on her hands when it flips over. The girl immediately buries her head into Elsa's chest. And once again, she can't tell if it's a sob or a chuckle vibrating against her.
Elsa looks down at Anna's results. Recalling her own grades. Every race she's run. And that tilt of Iduna's voice in her ears which made it all worthwhile.
She whispers them back into Anna's ears.
I'm proud of you.