The Grand Tour 3050 is dedicated to JA Baker.
This is a fan-fic inspired by the Battletech/Top Gear crossover Top Gear 3025 written by JA Baker in 2012. It was an enjoyable read featuring the presenters of the world's favorite motoring show at the time running around in the Battletech universe. I certainly enjoyed it, and I toyed around with the idea of a version focused on the Grand Tour. I even approached JA Baker himself back in 2019 to explore collaborating on it and we traded some ideas, but we never went ahead with writing it.
JA Baker sadly passed away back in 2021, and I was pursuing alot of different creative projects. That was until today, where I dug out the old PM I had with JA Baker, along with some old scratchings of my own take of the Grand Tour sequel. After seeing all that again, I've decided to go ahead and start writing The Grand Tour 3050 as a sequel to Top Gear 3025. Now, I am still working on multiple projects that I'm struggling to slot in with my six day a week part time work, but I should at least be able to squeeze this in. It might not be quick by release, but I will work to get it done. This first bit is just an introduction, but should help get people interested.
Either way, I hope you enjoy reading this.
The Grand Tour 3050
The Grand Tour Theme plays, only instead of the typical car, train and ship and plane appearing onscreen, they are instead replaced by a tank, a BattleMech, a massive DropShip and finally, a WarShip flying around a map of the Inner Sphere respectively. Cue a selection of clips showing different BattleMechs of different shapes and sizes in action.
The Intro comes to a close, and cuts to the Grand Tour Tent, with Clarkson, Hammond and May standing on the tent's stage with a map of the Inner Sphere next to them, camera panning over the applauding audience. Through the tent window, a futuristic looking city stands in plain sight, complete with an large overhanging moon.
Clarkson: Hello! Thank you and welcome to a very special Grand Tour special... wait, hold on a minute...
Hammond, May and the audience laugh.
May: (laughing) You muppet!
Hammond: (struggling not to crack up again) He's not wrong!
Clarkson rolls his eyes in exasperation.
Clarkson: Whatever, but on this particular show...
The Grand Tour title flashes across the screen before cutting to a shot of Hammond, visibly panicking whilst punching a control screen.
Clarkson (VO): Richard punches some buttons...
Hammond: NOT NOW! NOT NOW!
Cut to May, stripped down to a vest and shorts whilst drenched in sweat.
Clarkson (VO): James gets a little hot under the collar...
May: YOU BASTARDS!
Cut to Clarkson in blood red light with a manic look on his face.
Clarkson (VO): And I lose my mind...
Clarkson: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
Cue another title flash, returning the view to the tent.
Clarkson: All that is to come. But let me explain, where we are.
May: Or rather, when.
Clarkson: (Not missing a beat) Yes... we have come to the 31st Century, at great expense...
Hammond: At very great expense...
Clarkson: Shut up.
Audience laughs.
Clarkson: We have come here, to the 31st Century at great expense to try out the future of weapons technology, and here it is! (suddenly giddy).
A roughly humanoid shape steps into view on the otherside of the tent window, albeit, just it's legs are visible. The machine steps back and crouches down to bring it's upper body into view, where it proceeds to wave at the presenters. The audience applauds as Hammond waves back with May.
Clarkson: The BattleMech! First deployed by the Terran Hegemony in in 2443, it has remained the undisputed king of the battlefield ever since. Standing between 30 and 40 feet in hight, massing from 20 to 100 tons, these futuristic knights in shinning armour have enough fire-power to demolish entire cities. And someone thought it would be a good idea for us to play with them... again...
Cut to Clarkson, grinning like an idiot, before cutting back to Hammond.
Hammond: He says that, because on a car show a very, very long time ago, we had come to the 31st Century once before, in 3025, where we got to play around in BattleMechs and frankly... (embarrassed)... it was a disaster...
May: Yes, and after that, us three decided never to return. Ever again.
Clarkson: However... Mr Wilman insisted that we must come back, and try our hand at these... mighty war machines again.
May: Because now, the year is 3050, and in the 25 years that have... sort of passed since we were last here, all the technology that had been lost over the years has started coming back.
Hammond: And some of it is pretty awesome, like pulse lasers, new engines and even some new mechs.
Clarkson: Yeah... so he hatched a plan. (He starts walking over to the map) He gave each of us 10-million C-Bills, told us to get whatever mech we liked that was made after 3030, and told us to report here... (points to the northern edge of the Inner Sphere)... at the edge of the Periphery.
Cut to a view of a large tundra, several snow topped mountains standing in the distance with forests scattered around the whole area.
Hammond (VO): I was the first to arrive, and I was feeling rather pleased with myself.
Cut to Hammond.
Hammond: Now last time we were out here, I went for a light mech and... well... it was a bit too light. Don't get me wrong, I liked my Mercury! But well... (looks embarrassed) It feel apart. So I went for something a little heavier and tougher, whilst still being fast. Specifically, this.
Hammond waves over to one side, and the camera pans over to a large, somewhat angular green mech with what appeared to chicken-style legs.
Hammond: It's a Marauder, one of the greatest Mechs to ever walk the Sphere.
Cut to panning shots of the Marauder.
Hammond: Specifically, it's a MAD-5D, and it's been extensively upgraded. 75 tons of classic Heavy Mech armor, with a new XL engine to save weight, meaning it can load up even more weapons. Two PPCs which fire... well... lightning. (cuts back to Hammond briefly, clearly confused) I think...
Cuts back to the Marauder.
Hammond: There's a Large Pulse Laser on the right shoulder instead of the old autocannon, as well as two Medium Pulse Lasers which fire multiple lasers instead of a beam and finally, an SRM-2 rack for blowing stuff up up close. And it can reach 64kph, which is pretty nippy for a heavy. I even get jump jets!
Hammond happily thumps the Marauder's leg with his fist.
Hammond: I really have thought of everything, weapons, arm- (he falters as he sees something approaching).
Hammond: Well... thats...
Cut to a smaller, more humanoid grey mech with a rounded cockpit window approaches Hammond, cut to May in the cockpit.
May: This is just tremendous!
The Mech, pulls up alongside Hammond's Marauder.
Hammond: I wasn't really expecting that...
Cut to May struggling to climb down the mech's rope ladder, with Hammond watching.
Hammond: James, is that a Griffin?
May: Indeed, it's the Griffin GRF-3M.
Cut to panning shots of the Griffin.
May (VO): And like Hammond's Maruader, my Griffin had also been upgraded with the rediscovered technology of yesteryear. An XL engine, an ER PPC for longer range combat and a LRM-20, also for long range attack, with enough room to spare for a small laser. And that is on top of the jump jets and double heat sinks.
Cut back to Hammond and May.
Hammond: It's a bit boring...
May: No it isn't, it's very interesting.
Hammond: James. You know twenty-five years have passed since the last time we were here. (beat) Sort of.
May: Yes I do!
Hammond: You could have picked any 'mech you wanted. A Catapult, or a Raven or even a Shadow Hawk. Something amazing. And you went for that!
May: It's a simple, well-built Mech that has served the Star League and the Successor States for many years. Nearly everyone has them. And it fought with the Mackies.
Hammond: But it's not a proper classic like this! (motions to the Marauder).
May: (looking disgusted) Seriously?
Hammond: Oh go on. What's wrong with it?
May: (starts counting on his fingers) The linkage between the legs and the torso is too fragile, the targeting system gets in the way of your view from the cockpit (starts to drone), the ride is dreadful, the autocannon linkage breaks all the time-
Hammond: (annoyed) It doesn't have an autocannon!
(Their argument fades out, the view shifting to a more distant view of Hammond and May talking in front of their Battlemechs)
May (VO): We would have argued all day, but conversation began to shift to the matter of what mech Clarkson would bring.
Cuts back to Hammond and May proper.
May: Jeremy had a Charger last time didn't he?
Hammond: Yeah, that silly clown mech. (beat) He'll be in an assault mech again won't he?
May: Absolutely. An Atlas?
Hammond: (struggling to laugh). Well, that would be obvious.
May: Maybe something with alot of (works up a Clarkson impersonation) POWER!
Hammond: So something fast again? But, nothing is really faster than the clown isn't it?
May: I keep thinking of a Zeus. It's the same weight, pretty fast for an assault mech...
Hammond: (nodding) Ah-ha.
May: Lots of weapons...
Hammond: It's basically a Charger that's actually good... although... I can't help but think of the Highlander.
May: (whistles) That's a good one.
Cut to a panning view of the tree tops.
Hammond (VO): Sadly, we couldn't have been more wrong.
As Robot Wars: 'Enter the Arena' starts to play, we cut to a view of two very big legs, slowly stomping along. Another cut reveals a cockpit on what appeared to be an elongated neck rising above the treetops. A third cut goes back to Hammond and May, both of them staring at the approaching mech with complete shock.
Hammond: (struggles not to laugh again) Oh. My. God!
A cut finally reveals the massive black and red assault mech in all of it's glory, with a oval shaped body connected at the base of the elongated neck and with four cannon barrels emerging from the torso as it slowly approaches the group.
May: That can't be-
Clarkson (Loudspeaker): BEHOLD! BEHOLD THE MONSTER I HAVE BROUGHT TO SMITE MY ENEMIES!
Hammond: He's overdone it.
May: (beat) Completely! (beat again) Look at the size of that thing!
Hammond: I know!
Cut for a view of the assault mech stomping next to it's smaller peers, the ground shaking softly as it brings itself to a halt. Cut again to Clarkson stepping off his mech's rope ladder, grinning like an Cheshire cat as he walks upto his co-presenters.
Hammond: What have you done!?
Clarkson: What's wrong with it?
Hammond: It's #beep# massive!
Clarkson: It's 100 tons! Of course it's massive, you don't complain about the Atlas!
Hammond: Because the Atlas isn't that big!
May: Hold up. (points at the mech) What is that?
Hammond: Yeah, I've never seen anything like it!
Clarkson: Well, allow me to explain. It's a brand new mech that I've managed to get from the legendary Wolf's Dragoons! And it has the best name ever given to a BattleMech. (beat). The Annihilator.
Cut to views panning over the Annihilator.
Clarkson (VO): Also known as the AHA-1A, the Annihilator is 100 tons of pure firepower. It may not have the fancy technology that Hammond and May have in their mechs, but with four apocalyptic AC/10 autocannons in the torso and four medium lasers, this mighty machine has enough firepower to level anything it comes across, faster than it takes for Harrison Ford to fly... err... eight parsecs. Whatever. It's big. It's stompy. And I've already fallen in love with it. My collegues on the other hand...
Cuts back to the trio.
May: You've gone mad.
Clarkson: Oh come on! Just look at the size of the guns! (Cut to a close up of one of the AC/10s) And the ride is surprisingly comfortable!
Hammond: Because any fight that is happening would have been over for two years before that thing arrives.
May: Exactly, and the ammo could explode!
Clarkson: You do know you've got missiles that explode.
May: That's not the point! Everyone will see you for miles!
Clarkson (VO): (cut to the trio walking over to the two smaller mechs) I decided that the best defense, was attack.
Clarkson: I'm going to assume from the power of deduction that the Griffin is yours May?
May: Excellent observation, and it really is fantastic.
Clarkson: It's a bit boring James.
Hammond: That's what I said!
Clarkson: Because that is what it is, no one ever remembers a Griffin.
May: That's not true! Everyone uses them!
Clarkson: Well, let's just cut to the chase. I will admit that you Hammond, (points to the Marauder) do have a very good mech.
Hammond: It is - wait really?
Clarkson: Seriously, it's a Marauder. It's an instant classic, on par with the Warhammer... though it's not as good as mine!
Hammond: What?
Clarkson: Autocannons are just better than lasers, and I've got four of them.
Hammond: But...
Clarkson: But anyway, it is much more memorable than that Griffin. Which is light-years less memorable than my Annihilator.
Hammond: He does have a point James.
May: Well don't come crying to me when you both break down. And that stupid Annihilator (points to the mech in question) will just sink into the ground.
Clarkson: It weights 100 tonnes because it's carrying all the armour and the weapons!
May: It's idiotic, whatever it can do a Griffin or even Hammond's Marauder can do better!
Clarkson: Let's not get bogged down with who has the best mech, because it's obviously mine.
Hammond and May: It's not.
Clarkson: Moving on, comparing them to cars. That Marauder, (cuts to the Marauder) is a new Mustang. Iconic, not the nicest place to be in, but does the job really well.
Hammond: I can get behind that.
Clarkson: (cuts to the Annihlator) The Annihilator is a Toyota Hilux, definitely. (cut to the Griffin) And we have a Vauxhall Astra.
May: Oh come on!
Clarkson: It is! That Griffin is like the Astras the government gives the Police back home! You haven't bought a military machine, you have bought a police car!
A beep rings out, surprising the trio. Clarkson pulls out an old Nokia 3310 out of his pocket.
Clarkson: Hang on, it seems like we have a text from Mr. Wilman.
Hammond: Why are you using an old Nokia?
May: It's the only phone to survive the Succession Wars.
Hammond: Oooh...
Clarkson: If it can survive lava then it survive civilization being bombed back to the Stone Age. (pauses so he can read the text). "Since you are now at the edge of the Inner Sphere, almost in the Periphery itself. It will be necessary for your mechs to be tested on our specially constructed obstacle course." (looks up from the phone) Didn't we do that last time?
May: Well it makes sense, it lets us see how they can handle the terrain and how their weapons work. And they're quite different from what we used before.
Clarkson: Fair enough. (continues reading) "Unfortunately, Abby could not make the trip to test the mechs herself. Therefore we have requested the services of a pilot who simply calls himself, the Trueborn."
Hammond: Who's that?
Clarkson: It doesn't say, although the last part of the message does say that everything on the planet is something he considers 'freebirth'. (beat) Which he hates...
Cue a nervous pause between the presenters.
Clarkson: Well, what could possibly go wrong?
Hammond: Don't say that!
To Be Continued...