May 1979

Steven stepped off the plane and into the terminal, scanning the waiting area. He had called John the night before to remind him that he was coming home, but he had to admit that in the back of his mind, he was a little worried that John wouldn't show up.

A wholly unnecessary worry, he saw that now. John was easily identifiable, that half-smile lighting his face. He looked a little haggard, but Steven tried to dismiss that particular worry. It was enough just to see him, enough that someone was finally waiting for him at the airport.

God, he wanted to pull John in close and show him just how much he had missed him.

But there would be time enough for that.

Instead, he opted for greeting John with a quick smile. "Hi."

"Hey." John reached out and curled his fingers around Steven's. "Missed you."

That made something flutter in Steven's chest. "Yeah, missed you, too."

They made their way to the baggage carousel and found Steven's luggage, both of them picking it up and starting out toward the parking lot. It was pleasantly cool, a little breezy, a stark contrast to the desert he'd left behind.

It was good to be home for so many reasons.

As soon as they loaded up the Rover and climbed in, John leaned over, wrapping a hand around the back of Steven's neck and capturing his mouth with his own with a fierceness that stirred up his own desire.

Finally, John pulled back, that half-smile lighting his face and making it seem a little less haggard. Steven lightly brushed back a bit of hair that had fallen into John's eyes. "Hell of a welcome."

"Yeah well, don't expect that all the time." John answered casually as he started up the Rover and backed out of the parking spot.

"Maybe next time I'll stay gone longer." Steven couldn't resist teasing John a little.

He was rewarded with a sharp glance. "Rather you didn't. It'd be just like the old days."

Steven was chastened by John's tone, never mind his words, and he reached over to lightly caress the other man's knee. "I wouldn't do that. Hell, I'd miss you too much."

"Yeah?" John's tone softened.

"Yeah." Steven replied.

The smile that slowly spread across John's face warmed Steven, though it was obvious he was trying to hide it. Sure, learning to live with each other was a hell of a challenge, but Steven couldn't imagine trying to face that challenge with anyone else.

John pulled up next to Steven's truck and shut off the Rover, and they both climbed out, collecting all of Steven's baggage and equipment before heading toward the cabin. Almost as soon as Steven opened the door, both dogs were at his feet, howling for his attention.

"I know, I know." Steven managed to set his bags down before kneeling down to greet each dog in turn. "I missed you guys too."

"Cinnamon spent the first few days looking for you." John told him. "Not sure Pepper noticed."

"Sounds about right." Steven answered. "And what about you? Looks like you've been keeping yourself busy."

John nodded as he unpacked. "Been checking in on Agnes since she's been home."

"Hey, yeah." Steven answered. "How's she doing?"

"Better." John replied. "Kinda pissed about losing her toe. She's lucky that's all she lost."

Steven noticed the magazine on the chair by the wood stove. "And getting a little reading in, I see."

"Oh, yeah." John's tone was a little more cautious. "Brackett used to pass along these medical journals of stuff he thought I'd be interested in. Roy must have given him the address to the PO box, because that one was in there when I picked up the mail."

"Huh." That explained the medical journals that had filled John's bookshelf in his old place.

"It's a pretty interesting read." John continued. "See, they're studying Vietnam veterans. A lot of them came home messed up in the head. Turns out they have a lot of the same symptoms. Can't sleep, snap at people, nightmares, that kind of thing. Got me thinking. So, of course I had to call up Brackett and bug him about it."

"Of course." Steven nodded. "So?"

John shrugged. "He couldn't really confirm one way or the other. But it kinda fits, you know? Lots of guys, cops, firefighters, you know, they end up messed up, too."

"Paramedics?"

John acknowledged that with a nod, his expression somber. "Keep thinking about the guy who…well, you know. Can't help wondering if something could have helped him before he got to that point."

Steven couldn't help but wonder if John didn't see the irony or was deliberately ignoring it. He had learned long ago that pushing John would get him nowhere and would only lead to hurt feelings for them both. John would bring it up when he was good and ready, and not a moment sooner. "Wouldn't surprise me if there were some parallels." He ventured.

John eyed him suspiciously but otherwise didn't respond. "Think I'll run down and check on Agnes. I won't be long."

"Better not be." Steven replied lightly. "Been missing you."

John did manage a smile at that, slipping out the door before the dogs noticed he was gone.

"Supposed I'd better finish unpacking, huh?" Steven told the dogs, who merely snuffled around his feet.

As he started doing so, the phone rang. Steven crossed the room to answer. "Hello?"

"Uh, hi." A slightly familiar voice responded. "Is Johnny around?"

Steven wasn't used to John being referred to that way. "He went to check in on the neighbor. I can have him call you back."

"That's fine." The other man replied. "Just let him know Roy called."

That's why his voice sounded so familiar. "I'll do that."

"Thanks." There was a brief pause before Roy spoke again. "How's he doing, really?"

Steven paused for a moment himself, unsure how much he should reveal. "He's doing okay, I think. It's been a hell of an adjustment."

"I'm sure." Roy laughed quietly at that. "Just…well, you know, seemed like such an extreme move. And now he's considering it again. Hell, he could have stayed here."

Steven froze at that. "Considering what?"

Roy huffed. "He didn't say anything to you. Forget it."

"I've been gone for the last three weeks." Steven explained. "Work trip."

There was a long silence before Roy spoke again. "Guess he got to talking to the local doctor. Something about a volunteer gig. Suppose I should let him explain it to you."

Steven let out a brief huff. He didn't want to jump to any conclusions. "I'm sure he'll say something about it eventually. I'll let him know you called."

"Thanks."

They hung up, and Steven continued unpacking, turning over the conversation in his mind. He was baffled at the notion that John would want to return to the job that nearly broke him, but on some level, he supposed it made sense. After all, it was something comfortable and familiar in a place that was anything but. And John wasn't a guy who was comfortable doing nothing.

Still, there had to be another way.

It wasn't long before the door opened and John came in, bending down to scratch the dogs behind the ears. "Still unpacking?"

"Yeah, got a little sidetracked." Steven responded. "Roy called. Wants you to call him back."

"Oh." A brief troubled expression flashed across John's face before he quickly recovered with a nod. "Yeah, okay."

John crossed over to the phone and was soon talking to Roy. Steven wasn't trying to listen in, but it was nearly impossible in such a small space. He continued unpacking while John talked to Roy.

"Yeah, I know." He heard John huff. "But maybe it'll be different up here…I'm just gonna check it out. I haven't made any decisions yet."

Steven let out a short sigh as he finished unpacking and crossed over to the stove to start a pot of coffee. He could put together bits of conversation just from listening to John's end, but he'd wait for John to bring it up.

Before long, John hung up, and he was at Steven's side, finding a pair of mugs. "Suppose you heard most of that."

"Bits and pieces." Steven answered carefully. "I wasn't trying to eavesdrop."

"Kinda hard not to." John scoffed.

"True." Steven replied with a short laugh as he filled their mugs. "I was going to sit outside."

"Sounds good." John nodded in agreement, and they headed out to the porch.

They sat in silence for a while until John let out a brief sigh. "You remember how I was talking to Doctor Randall? You know, after we got done taking care of Agnes."

Steven couldn't remember for sure, but he was reasonably certain that John had mentioned something during one of their conversations while he'd been gone. "Well, we've talked a lot since I've been gone. Hard for me to remember everything."

"Right, yeah." John shifted a little, stretching out his legs and propping his feet up on the rails of the porch while cradling his mug. "We've been kinda teaming up to take care of Agnes, so we get to talking, you know. About other ways to use what I know."

"So…you're not going to be a paramedic again?" Steven was utterly confused.

"Haven't made up my mind yet." John answered sharply. "But I haven't ruled it out, either. That's why I called Roy."

"Why the hell would you ever consider doing that again?" The words flew out before Steven could stop them.

John huffed loudly, his expression hardening. "What the hell else am I gonna do up here?"

"I don't know, John." Steven replied in exasperation. "Not that."

John's expression barely changed, and he was obviously digging in his heels on this. Time to change his approach.

He rose from his chair and leaned over John, kissing his forehead. "I don't want to tell you what to do, and I damn sure don't want to fight about this. I just worry about you, that's all."

John responded with a baleful expression before he glanced downward into his mug. "I wish you wouldn't."

Steven moved to lean against the railing, folding his arms over his chest. "I can't help it. I admit I don't know everything about what you used to do, but I saw how it changed you. It almost broke you, for God's sake."

John's expression turned more thoughtful as he took a long drink from his mug. "I know, I know. It's just…the longer I go without doing anything, the more…useless I feel, I guess. And you know, just because I get certified doesn't mean I have to be a paramedic again. Doctor Randall tells me they're always looking for instructors."

"You might be good at that." Steven replied, uncrossing his arms and resting his hands on the railing.

John smiled ever so slightly. "Me and Roy used to do CPR demonstrations. Always kinda liked that."

"I would definitely rather see you teaching than, well, the alternative."

John shrugged at that. "Like I said, haven't made up my mind. Lots to think about."

"And you have all the time in the world to do just that." Steven reminded him, pushing himself off the railing to lean over John again. This time John tilted his chin up, and Steven gently kissed him, lightly stroking his cheek with his thumb before pulling back. "I only worry because I care about you. That's all."

John smiled a little more broadly at that, and Steven let his hand rest on John's shoulder for a moment. "Think I'll go inside and see about some food. You coming?"

"Not right now." John answered casually, placing his hand over Steven's.

Steven squeezed John's shoulder before heading inside. The dogs immediately followed behind while Steven puttered around the kitchen area. There was a pot in the refrigerator, and he pulled it out and set it on the stove. Soon the smell of chili filled the cabin, and Steven couldn't help smiling a little. Obviously John had fended for himself just fine.

He chided himself for the thought. John had fended for himself for a good long time before Steven had come along. There was no reason to believe that would be any different here, though the logistics were a bit of a challenge.

But the thought of John returning to the work that nearly broke him pained him. Steven hoped like hell he could convince John to go in another direction. He could take John doing almost anything but that.

He heard the door close, and he turned to see John hang up his jacket before crossing the room to fill his mug again. Steven couldn't resist teasing him. "No wonder you don't sleep."

John shot him a look that let him know the teasing had missed the mark. "I'm used to it. Got plenty of other reasons why I don't sleep."

Steven reached out and slid a hand across the back of John's shoulders. He could feel him immediately tense up, and he let his hand drop with a sigh, returning to stir the chili.

Finally, John let out a huff. "Look, I know you're trying to help. It's just…well, I need to figure this out for myself."

"I know that." Steven answered. "But these decisions don't just affect you anymore. They affect us."

"You think I don't know that?" John asked quietly.

"Figured you could use the reminder." Steven shot back.

John shrugged at that, taking another drink of his coffee. "There's something else Doctor Randall mentioned."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah." John nodded. "You ever heard of a physician assistant?"

"No, can't say that I have."

"Kinda hard to explain." John told him. "Not a doctor, but not a nurse. Somewhere in between."

"That sounds interesting."

"Yeah, but thing is, it's a college program." John continued. "And it's in Anchorage."

"Anchorage isn't that far." Steven pointed out. "Maybe a couple hours."

"Yeah, I'm not making that drive back and forth every day." John told him. "Did I mention that it's college? I'm not college material. Why do you think I went to the fire academy?"

"I thought that was because acting didn't work out for you." Steven responded as he shut off the stove. "Do you want some of this?"

John nodded as he continued. "Well yeah, that too. But hell, I had a hard enough time getting through paramedic training. Can't imagine going to college."

"You're perfectly capable." Steven told him firmly as he handed him a bowl of chili.

"Doesn't matter." John answered as he settled in near the wood stove. "Classes start in the fall and there's no way I'm gonna be able to get everything together in time to apply."

"But you can get more information." Steven pointed out. "And you can check out…other options."

John shifted and rested his feet in Steven's lap. "Think I'm gonna talk some more with Doctor Randall. Maybe with the fire chief, too. Kinda get some idea of what they're looking for. Suppose if I end up volunteering with them for a while, it's not the end of the world."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Steven quickly told him. The thought of John doing the same work for no pay made something squeeze inside him. "Remember, no hurry."

John arched an eyebrow. "There's some hurry. Can't sponge off you forever."

"Fine, how about this?" Steven suggested, resting his hand on John's outstretched leg. "Take, say, six months. Explore your options, figure out what you want to do. And in the meantime, just relax, get your head on straight."

John seemed to consider this. "Six months from now, or from when I got here?"

"Six months from now." Steven told him.

John frowned slightly. "I'll have something figured out before then."

"I'm sure you will." Steven assured him. "But if it takes you all that time, so be it."

John's expression smoothed out, now just his usual thoughtful expression. Finally, he nodded. "Okay, six months."

Steven counted that as a victory. If nothing else, maybe it would make John slow down and not make a decision out of panic. And well, if he did end up applying for that program and getting in, they'd make it work. It wasn't as if John would be going back to California. It was just Anchorage. That was an easy enough distance to bridge.

Later, as John was cleaning up, Steven stepped behind him and slipped his arms around him, kissing his neck. John let out a low laugh at the move. "Gonna be hard to get this done if you don't quit feeling me up."

"Better get moving, then." Steven teased him, tugging at John's shirt and sliding his hands underneath.

John let out a huff of mock irritation, finishing up and wiping off his hands before turning around and starting to undo the buttons on Steven's shirt. Soon his shirt was spread open, John's hands sliding to Steven's back as he leaned in to leave a line of kisses down his neck to his collarbone.

Steven had missed this most of all during his time away, this intimate connection, the feel of John's mouth and hands wandering all over his body. It was more than physical, had been for a long time despite the distance that had separated them.

That distance was now closed, both literally and figuratively. Somehow they managed to strip each other down, leaving a trail of clothing to their bed, and Steven soon had John on his back, taking his damn dear sweet time exploring nearly every inch of John's body, thrilling to every sound, every breath, every touch.

John seemed intent on doing the same, and they shifted around so that they could give each other the mutual pleasure they sought. Steven always found it difficult to concentrate on what he was doing. Still, even as he felt the pads of John's fingers drag up the back of his thighs, he managed to take John's hard flesh into his mouth, spreading his hands out over John's legs, feeling the muscle flex as John bucked under him.

Steven was unable to hold out, unloading with a sharp groan. John wasn't far behind, his fingertips pressing hard into the back of Steven's thighs as he arched upward before relaxing with a quiet sigh. After a few minutes, Steven moved to join John, lying next to him and draping an arm across his torso.

John rested his hand over Steven's arm, stroking lightly with his thumb before turning his head to face Steven. "Thanks."

"For what?"

"All of this." John answered quietly. "Sometimes I forget that, you know, that I'm not doing this alone. That I have to think about you, too."

Steven drew closer, kissing John's shoulder. "Easy to forget when we've spent most of our time together…apart."

"Yeah." John agreed. "But things are different now, right? Just gotta get used to it, that's all."

"You're not alone in that." Steven pointed out. "It's been me and these dogs for a long time. I've only ever had to think about them and myself."

John let out a short, quiet laugh. "Hell of a pair, aren't we?"

Steven couldn't help laughing in response. "Yeah, we are."

He could feel John's fingers playing with his hair at the back of his neck. "You're worth it." John told him quietly. "Can't imagine trying to make this work with anyone else."

Something about the way he spoke touched Steven deeply. "So are you. And whatever you decide to do, I'm behind you all the way."

John arched an eyebrow, clearly skeptical. "Even if I end up leaving again?"

"We'll make it work." Steven assured him. "And don't you dare say you're not smart enough. You are."

"I'll think about it." John told him.

Good enough, Steven figured. He was content to leave the subject at that for the time being. One way or another, they would figure this out, together.