* In the Mourning *
Peeta and I sit at the dining table eating our late dinner and talking about the book. "-and when we finish with them I think we should start to add all the victors who were aiding the rebellion."
I begin to respond to him but am cut off by the sound of a loud alarm. This alarm is the mutt alarm. Since the end of the games they've destroyed the fence. But that fence wasn't just keeping us in but animals out too. This siren means that something wandered into the district. I'm not just talking about a turkey or a deer either, we have plenty of hunters now that can easily use those for game, but a wild dog, wolf, bear, or a vicious mutt let out into the woods from the capitol. There's one thing I know, that no matter what It is it's dangerous.
The siren also means that the district is under lock down, meaning that no one is aloud to be out, especially since its night making it easier to be prey. A rule they invoked for safety. So only the peacekeepers are out to shoot it. However it's late, so It shouldn't be much of a problem since most people are asleep. But Peeta is over at my house.
It's around 10, when we hear it. We sit in silence for a moment listening when we hear a faint howl. This is definitely a mutt and we've had all too much experience with mutts. Peeta grabs my hand and squeezes it hard, when I look into his eyes, they are not azure, but they're not dark either. He's in the midst of fighting a flashback.
"Not real, Peeta, not real," I say ,"focus on my voice, okay? It's okay, it's not real." This is the second time this has happened. Luckily we haven't had a bad one yet. He squeezes his eyes shut and I can hear him softly muttering his mantra. I rub circles on the back of his palm until he opens his eyes again and they're blue once again.
"Katniss, it's-it's a-" he stammers.
"I know Peeta, but we've dealt with them before and we can do It again. Hopefully It doesn't come down to that. I think you need to stay here. It's better that we have each other. I'll call Haymitch too. See if he's even awake- he might sleep straight through It."
He nods, "I'll call him, you should grab your bow."
"Do you want a machete?" I ask him, knowing that he was pretty good with one back in the quell.
He shakes his head, "what if I go into a flashback? It's too risky, I can risk hurting you." I want to protest but I can tell his mind is made up. He hasn't had a really bad flashback but maybe he has and I just haven't been around.
I stand up pulling him since our hands are still clasped. "I'll just sleep on the couch," he says.
I huff, "No Peeta! I have extra rooms, there's plenty of space for you."
He follows me upstairs and I bring him to the room closest to mine. Then I realize what room I brought him into. It's Prim's room, still left the way she had it. It has collected dust by now. I can't bring myself to pack up everything and put it in a safe place, so it stays the same. Like its frozen in time. Or a memorial of who she was.
Her medical book is open on her desk. Her hair brush filled with blond strands, even her clothes are strewn on the floor. The window open slightly. Her pillow has an indent where she slept, the bed ruffled. This is how she left her room. This was how she left it when she left the world. These are the last things she actually felt joy with. In district 13 she wasn't fully herself, this was the last place she was herself in. The last place she was a child before the cruel world forced her to grow up and then took her anyways. And it's all too overwhelming.
"I'm so sorry- I didn't realize,"I whisper before the sadness takes me.
I break down crying and Peeta wraps his arms around me before I drop to the ground, my body limp and wracking in tears. He picks me up and brings me to my room where he lays me on the bed. He stays for a moment, stroking my hair and telling me Its okay. He gets up to leave but I grab his arm and desperately ask, "Stay? Please."
"Of course." He says softly and crawls into bed with me. This feels all too familiar. I breathe in his shirt and he smells like cinnamon, birch, and a little musty.
He lays with me until I calm down, whispering sweet nothingness into my ears. It's oddly comforting.
He speaks into the silence of the night, "I'm sorry Katniss, I know this isn't the best time, but Is It is if I shower?"
"Of course you can. There should be towels in the bathroom," I say and he thanks me. I watch him as he walks towards the bathroom. I hear the focit turn on and water running. I think back to when I would ask him to stay during the victory tour. How things have changed since then...
My thoughts are interrupted by a loud thud and Peeta yelling to me from the other room. I didn't realize I was lost in my thoughts for so long. The bathroom door is closed, but I hear him yell out, "Katniss, come here!"
My mind panics at the sound of his yell and I can't get out of the bed soon enough, worried that something bad happened. I burst through the door but quickly remember that he is naked so I close my eyes.
"Peeta? Are you okay?"
"Katniss, I need some help...my prosthetic is on a shelf and I slipped and can't get up. There also weren't any towels. So I need you to get a towel and help me get my prosthetic."
I go to the cabinet with the extra towels and grab him one. When I enter the bathroom again my eyes are glued shut."Okay, tell me where to go,"I say.
He laughs and says, "Katniss it's okay if you see me, I don't care."
"I do." I mumble.
"You are still so pure!" he laughs. I think back to our first games when I had to clean him and he called me that.
"I am not pure!"I say a little irritated.
His deep laugh and pointed remark irritates me when he says, "then open your eyes!" I have to admit, that would be easier and then I could get out quicker. But what if I see him? My stubborn side won't stand for this foolishness.
"Fine, I guess you don't really need your leg do you?" I turn towards the door and take a few steps before hearing him protest.
"Aww come on, I'm just messing with you! It's okay to be pure. Please bring me my leg, or else I'll just have to climb naked around your house!"
Ugh fine! Damn he's right. I open my eyes and just suck It up. He lays there on the floor of the shower, and since the glass is covered in water drops most of him is blurred a bit. But some features are so prominent. His eyes, his chest, his scars, and his cocky grin. He looks like he's filled out really well since being released. Peeta was always very strong and It shows.
I quickly find his prosthetic and hand it to him, averting my eyes from his lower half and keeping them on his eyes. He puts it on and starts to stand, but I catch a quick glance and move my eyes before I truly see anything. He laughs at my blush as I hold out the towel and look away from him.
"I'm covered now, thanks." He says so I turn back to him and hand him his clothes before leaving. He walks back into my room, wearing only his boxers, just like during the tour. His beautiful hair dripping drops onto his perfect chest.
"My turn," I say, my eyes lingering on his chest as I pass by him. I close the door and lean up against It for a second as I take a deep breath. When did I get so flustered? His body is beautiful, like he's sculpted from marble that was shattered and put back together. His scars are beautiful. It's funny how I can find mine repulsing but his beautiful. Without thinking too much I strip and hop into the shower. It's only once I'm done that I remember there's no towels in here, they're all in the hall.
I run to the door and poke my head out. Peeta is turned away flipping through the book we've been working on.
"Peeta!"I say grabbing his attention, making sure I'm fully covered by the door.
"Forgot a towel?"
"Can you get one for me?" I plead.
"Hmm, I don't know? I mean I did tell you there were no towels in there, but you didn't listen so I don't think I should." The corners of his mouth turn up in a playful smile.
"And you say I'm impossible!" I say agitated. I throw my underwear back on and cover my breasts before I make a run for It out the bedroom and into the hall. Call me pure now, Peeta!
He laughs and says,"I was about to get up and get you a towel you know? I was just joking."
"Too late now,"I say and wrap the towel around me then walk back into the room. He is respectfully looking away from me but I do see him glance and blush. I go to the dresser and get my pyjamas. They are a simple shirt with boyshorts underwear. I go back to the bathroom and completely change. When I come out he is laying there with his hands clasped on his stomach.
I get in bed next to him and say, "you are impossible."
He whispers in my ear, "I'm sorry, I promise I was just joking", he presses his lips against the top of my head for a split second, but then they are gone.
He opens his arms for me and I get as close to him as I can.
"Goodnight,"I say into his chest.
"Goodnight, Katniss,"he says into my hair. With that I wait for my nightmares to come but they never do.
A cold breeze blowing on my face makes me shiver. Everywhere on my body but the tip of my nose is warm. I turn to bury my nose in the warmth that my head is in but instead of a soft pillow it's firm. I instantly recognize the scent as Peeta. I almost forgot he was here. It just feels so natural. The soft thumping of his heartbeat almost lulls me back to sleep but the sunlight that is directly in my eyes won't let me. It's too bright to be dawn, when I normally wake up. I can just make out the clock on the wall without getting up. It reads 11am. That can't be right!
Carefully I untangle myself from him. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. His blonde curls in a tuft, and shirt slightly lifted. I look out the window and judging by the sun It is in fact 11am.
Lightly tip toeing away from Peeta deep in his sleep, I slip out the door and across the hall. The room feels as empty as my heart. Like it's missing the light that gave It life. My hands trail over the quilted blanket. There's a stack of papers sitting on her desk that I gently pick up. Slipping into her desk chair, my eyes read over what I recognize as her handwriting.
Rory,
I miss you living so close. This house is so extravagant and beautiful but I miss the closeness of the seam. I feel so disconnected out here in the Victor's Village. Katniss is in the quell, and I don't know how to feel. I don't doubt for a second that she will fight hard in the quell but this time she'll be protecting Peeta the entire time. I think she really does love him. I really wish I could hug her one last time- I can't imagine losing her without being able to tell her that I love her and I'm proud of her one last time. And thank her for being the best sister anyone could ask for. We're so lucky to have siblings like her and Gale. They've always been there for us. Thank you to your brother for always taking care of us as well. I know It means a lot to Katniss too. I'll see you after the broadcast tomorrow. Please visit soon?
-Prim
It's dated the day of the bombing of 12. They were pen pals. I flip through a few other notes of hers from medical notes to dairy entries. She wrote a lot. I honestly never knew. It's crazy how even in death she finds ways to surprise and amaze me.
I read one not that has a song written on It. It's called In the Mourning
And It takes all my strength, not to dig you up from the ground in which you lay, the biggest part of me; you were the greatest thing and now your just a memory to let go of.
In the mourning I'll rise.
In the mourning I'll let you die, in the mourning
all my sorry
I sing It softly to myself as I read It, lost in the beautiful words I don't even hear his footsteps approaching.
"What a beautiful song," he says behind me.
"She wrote It." I hold out the paper for him to read. His eyes move over the page over and over again and I can't help but wonder if this song was for my dad or for me. I can imagine her sitting at this desk writing away as she cries. I saw the tear stains on the paper, this song meant something to her.
"Full of surprises." He places a hand on my back and rubs soft circles. "Nightmare?"
"No, you?" Surprisingly this is the first time in months that I haven't had one. No wonder we slept in so long.
"No," he smiles, then looks at the clock and says, "wow, no wonder we slept in so late, it's already eleven!"
"I know, huh?"
"What do you want for breakfast?" He asks when we are downstairs.
I don't even have to put thought to this, I already know my answer. "Cheese buns!" I say like a little kid.
He laughs and says,"I should've guessed. Do you think the lock down is over yet?"
"I don't know, I guess we'll just have to see if they killed the...uh...animal."
"Yeah," he says, "animal."
"Let me go check," I say and run upstairs. What I see is horrific when I look out my window from my room. There is no one out, but what I see is several huge nasty looking dogs. The same type from our first game. The same that bit into Cato. The same that ruined Peeta's leg. I am on the roof when I see that most of them are in the main square. But then I see one right below, walking the streets of the victors village. I gasp and it turns to see me.
My mind goes to instant survival mode. It's like I'm in the games all over again. It goes to jump up at me, and I am too late, its claw barely gets hold of my ankle. I run much as I can to the window as the mutt tries to jump up. The pain is deep in my leg and I can feel the blood dripping down to my feet. I get my bow and arrows and run to where I can see it. I pierce it mid jump right in the eye and it drops to the ground dead after hitting part of the roof causing some tiles to break.
As soon as I get in the house I collapse because of pain. I crawl my way to the stairs. I honestly expected Peeta to be up here but he isn't. I know there is blood trail that I will need to clean up from the floor later but I'm not worried about that right now.
"Peeta?" I call out. No response.
My heart stops. He's either hurt or in a flashback or else he would've called back.
Then I finally catch sight of him. He's shaking holding onto the counter. It's only when I hit the last step that he turns looking at me in fear and horror. "My leg.. you pushed me into those mutts to make me lose my leg," he spits viciously.
I shake my head. His eyes are so dark.
"You did this," he yells louder, starting toward me. "YOU FILTHY MUTT!" Before I know It his hands are on my shoulders and he's throwing me off the bottom step.
"Peeta, please," I plead softly, "it's just a flashback, come back to me!"
"You liar!"
"Look around, you're in my house. Why would you be here? Why did you sleep here last night?" He stands over me on the floor, holding my arms to the floor. It reminds me of when Clove did this to me, only he's much bigger and stronger than her.
His face contorts in pain, like he's mentally fighting himself.
"The games are over. We're rebuilding our lives. You come here nearly every day. We eat dinner together, you spent the night last night. We work on the book-"
"Shut up... Shut up...shut up.." he mumbles but It doesn't seem directed at me. His eyes squeeze shut as I continue. I feel his hand let up on my arms, enough for me to reach up to his face and take It in my hands.
"Come back to me, Peeta."
He collapses to the ground to the left of me, curled up in a shaking ball. I hear him muttering my words back to himself. I press my forehead to his and after a while I feel his arms reach out for me but this time softly. He pulls me to him and holds me as he regains control of his breathing. I press a kiss into his chest over his heart.
When he comes to, he looks at me horrified "Oh my God! What happened to your leg?! Did I-"
I stop him before he can continue with that bad thought, "There was a mutt, It was bellow me and tried to get me. I was late on running and it caught my leg. I shot it, it's dead now...there's still more."
"I'm so sorry you had to deal with me while you're hurt, let me help you. What do I do?" He asks looking concerned.
"Go to the closet. There's a first aid kit. Get it for me," I say. He runs as fast as his leg will allow. I hear noises signaling items falling as he hurriedly rummages through the closet. When he hands It to me, I start to do what I remember seeing my mom do when people would come with mining accidents.
"Can you carry me to the table?"
He lifts me like I weigh nothing.
"I had to carry you when you hurt your ankle before the second game, real or not real?" He asks.
"Real."
"Funny how history repeats itself in the tiniest ways, huh?" I don't mind this at all. Before being carried like this might have frustrated me but now I kinda like sitting in his strong arms.
A/N The song by Prim is actually In the Mourning by Paramore, highly recommend that song it's beautiful!