"Where words can't say
I'll try 'em anyway
You don't know how indebted I am
Unite my states
And hyper stimulate
Everything, especially my human
Heart feels safe
Drew puzzles in the maze
But history's a fifty-pound weight
Wait, wait no more
They're kicking on the door
The crystal ship is ready to take me home
I'm an alien crawling under human skin
Let go of everything you think you know
Hang tight
Permission to abort: denied
Pure heart, you're everything you think you aren't
Alien crawling under human skin
Take me home..."
Alurdel couldn't sleep, so he left his tent to watch the sunrise. The first part of the night had been spent trying to get comfortable in his bedroll, which had felt cozy to his former self but was now downright stifling.
He felt oddly trapped, like an animal in a snare. Even when Alurdel lay on top of the bedroll rather than wrapped up inside it, he'd still hesitated to give himself over to unconsciousness. Earlier, in the Astral Prism, the Emperor's train of thought had skimmed over someone called 'Ansur,' who had been associated with a brief mental image: a flash of a bronze dragonborn looming over a sleeping body, holding a blade. Was that something that had happened to the Emperor? Was it something that Alurdel himself risked if he continued to associate with his former companions?
No, he (or was it past-Del speaking?) reassured himself. They'd never do that to you. They've already dealt with you being a thrall and hiding the Emperor's identity.
Alurdel still wasn't convinced. He closed his eyes and reached out, expanding the boundaries of his mind until he began to hear the thoughts of his companions spilling out from their own tents. It seemed that he was far from the only one awake, as Astarion and Jaheira were alert and thinking oddly similar thoughts to his own.
He would have laughed out loud if he could. Far from trying to murder him in his sleep, they were worried about him doing the same to them.
And yet… Despite assuaging his worries, he was still unable to sleep. Maybe it was something to do with the time difference between the Astral Prism and the Material Plane, or maybe illithids just needed less sleep than humans. Whatever the reason, once several hours had passed, he opened the tent flap and went outside.
The first sign of the oncoming sunrise was a gradual lightening of the sky from midnight black to a deep blue. The early morning breeze stirred with scents he could no longer smell. Somewhere, a lone bird prematurely began to sing.
What is he doing here? I better not have caught him trying to -
The stray thought belonged to Astarion, who had just emerged from his own tent. The vampire flinched slightly at Alurdel's unexpected appearance, but quickly got ahold of himself once more. Astarion had seemed ill at ease since Alurdel had returned, but it didn't seem to be all the ulitharid's own doing. Maybe he was on edge because they were approaching the city that housed his former master.
"Good morning to you too," Alurdel said, trying to project a wry tone into his mental voice. "I'm just here to watch the sunrise, same as you."
"Of course," Astarion said smoothly, recovering from his momentary discomfiture. The surface of his mind stilled once more, covering the whirling abyss that Alurdel knew existed below. "Though I'm surprised you're awake. In addition to an illithid, have you also transformed into an early riser?"
Indeed, Del had never joined Astarion for these morning excursions, though he knew the vampire sometimes got up early to enjoy the sight that had been denied to him for the past two hundred years.
But now, Astarion climbed and Alurdel levitated - his skills had rapidly improved during the past few days in the Astral Prism - up to the top of a scaffold that served as a watchtower in the secluded courtyard that the group had chosen as a camp.
"Today we'll reach Rivington. If all goes well, we could be in Baldur's Gate by nightfall," Astarion remarked, sitting down cross-legged on the flimsy wooden planks. After a long pause during which the sky lightened marginally and Alurdel tried his best to stay out of the vampire's mind, Astarion finally spoke again. "Do you think you're ready? Are you prepared to see what it's like to walk as a monster among men?"
Alurdel realized that, rather than calling him a monster to offend him, Astarion had said it out of a sense of kinship. Both a vampire and an illithid would be considered monsters by the average human, and both would likely be attacked on sight if anyone in Baldur's Gate found out what they were.
The two of them gazed out at the sprawl of the city below as the first tentative rays of sunlight crested above the horizon.
"I want to say I am, but that remains to be seen," Alurdel admitted. "I shouldn't have trouble controlling any urges, if that's what you're getting at. Illithids tend to eat every few days, but surprisingly little of our diet needs to actually consist of brains. But as for the rest of it… The hiding, the disguises - I'll admit, I wish I had a bit more time to prepare."
The extent of his unpreparedness soon became clearer than ever to both of them as the golden disc of the sun began its ascent into the sky.
"It's so bright," Alurdel complained. This was the first time he'd seen the sun since returning to the Material Plane, and he wasn't particularly enjoying the experience.
"Perhaps you shouldn't look directly at it, then," Astarion smirked.
"I'm not. But everything in the east looks like it's on fire."
Astarion frowned, giving him a sidelong glance. "Well, count your blessings - at least mind flayers don't burn up in the sunlight. But you're looking none too comfortable at the moment."
Indeed, Alurdel was squinting, and was no longer able to enjoy the sights of the city without his eyes watering and his vision whiting out entirely. "I hope this is just due to the angle of the light. Maybe it will get better when the sun is more directly overhead?"
Unfortunately, it did not get better with time. The light, while no longer directly in Alurdel's eyes, was now far brighter than it had been at sunrise, and it seemed like the day was shaping up to be a hot one. Alurdel lurked in the shade of the watchtower, and Astarion and Karlach tried not to stare as he downed cup after cup of water. He really needed to figure out how to drink without spilling water on himself or making uncivilized slurping sounds, but it was proving surprisingly difficult.
Past-Del had never appreciated just how lucky he'd been to have lips and a lower jaw, rather than a circular tooth-filled maw designed for grinding and suction. Alurdel tried not to think about it too much, since focusing too deeply on his own body made him feel oddly claustrophobic. Aside from the tentacles, his face in particular felt stiff and unexpressive. It made him think of some ridiculous story Del had once heard in Oryndoll, about a thrall who disobeyed their master and was rendered unable to speak or eat or even scream…
Alurdel wrenched his thoughts away from that dark place and onto more mundane problems. He was being stupid, he chided himself. He was a member of a superior species now, with powers his former self could hardly imagine. His body only felt strange because he had all those memories from a humanoid's perspective knocking around inside his head. Rather than dwelling on them, he really ought to only call on the memories when he needed them for information.
A little later that morning, Jaheira joined them, and her hard demeanor softened a little when she noticed Alurdel's discomfort.
"No wonder mind flayers prefer to hide in the Underdark," she commented.
"What's that about mind flayers?" Shadowheart emerged from her tent. "I'd love to go a single day without hearing about them or their tadpoles, but that's never going to happen, is it?"
Gale was the last to awaken. By the time he joined them in the center of the courtyard, Alurdel was the center of a rousing discussion on how to help him function in the daylight world.
"I can't see much more than ten feet in front of me," he said worriedly, squinting even more now.
The wizard stroked his scruffy beard, thinking deeply. The sight of his concentration made Alurdel unable to resist the urge to investigate, but he accidentally delved too deeply and the wizard broke off with a start. Hm - it seemed that Gale had noticed the intrusion. And just when he'd been doing so well with Astarion earlier…
"I was about to say, I may be able to tint a pair of glasses or goggles for you, as a temporary measure. If you have an illusion up anyway to disguise your appearance, it shouldn't matter what they look like."
The old Del would have said sorry for prying, but Alurdel didn't want to apologize for his essential nature.
"I couldn't help it," he said instead. "Your thoughts practically leapt out at me."
"No hard feelings," the wizard smiled. "It's really quite fascinating how instinctive telepathy is to illithids. Just try not to do that to everyone else we meet along the way…"
And then he went off to search through the bags of loot they'd accumulated for a suitable pair of spectacles.
"How are ya holding up, soldier?" Karlach came up beside him as they finally set out from camp.
Her concern seemed genuine, so Alurdel tried to be honest in return. He peered at her through the tinted lenses that Gale had finally managed to enchant correctly. "Fine, mostly, since the glasses seem to be working. Not thrilled that Gale had to help with both that and my disguise, but I suppose it's for the best after what happened last night."
Alurdel noted how, while Gale's Seeming spell was active, his thoughts were automatically translated into a voice that sounded like a rough approximation of Del's old one. As for body language, his first impulse was to shrug, but illithid physiology translated that into a motion of his two longest tentacles. One of the invisible tendrils brushed against Karlach's upper arm, and she shivered briefly at the phantom touch. The damn things were just so long, especially these two; whereas the other four were perhaps two to three feet in length, the longest ones were closer to five and stretched nearly down to Alurdel's knees at full extension.
"Maybe you should, uh, do something with those," Karlach suggested.
Alurdel bit back a sarcastic response, realizing the tiefling was probably right. He fumbled with the light traveling cloak he wore over his illithid outfit, which was also visible in his disguised form, and managed to thread all six tentacles underneath the fabric. It was terribly restrictive, not to mention hot, but he couldn't risk an incident like that with a stranger.
Karlach was looking at him oddly. Based on context, the tiefling could guess what Alurdel was doing, but to her it looked like he was making strange motions in midair with his hands inches above the neckline of his illusory armor.
Ah, right - the height difference. Disguise spell or not, Alurdel couldn't hide the fact that he was now seven feet tall. Del's original height, which the spell simulated, was already impressive - but still a far cry from how improbably tall he'd recently become.
"What are you doing?" Astarion asked from behind him, and in lieu of an answer Alurdel sent him a mental image of the scene from his own perspective.
The vampire scowled at the sudden intrusion. "Can you not? Between you and the tadpole, my mind feels like a public square these days."
"I'll answer in words next time," Alurdel assured, realizing his mistake in sharing such impressions with those incapable of handling them.
"I, on the other hand, would be glad to receive mental images," Gale piped up. "I find illithid communication methods fascinating. I was rather disappointed when the Emperor stopped visiting our dreams after we learned his true identity - I had so many questions for him. But I suppose I'll settle for asking them of you."
Alurdel's tentacles curled in amusement under his cloak. It seemed he had some minor competition for the Emperor's affections…
The suburb called Rivington was a zoo, absolutely crawling with people similarly on the way to the great metropolis of Baldur's Gate. Many of the newcomers seemed to be refugees, though Alurdel wasn't sure quite what they were fleeing from. He found himself unpleasantly surprised by the crowds - the outskirts of the city hadn't been nearly as busy when Del had approached with Eldriss only a month before.
I'm so gods-damned tired
That fruit would've been perfect in a pie but now it's just mush -
Can't believe they won't let us in…
Alurdel began to catch snippets of their fellow travelers' thoughts long before he saw them, and he fought off an instinctive desire to flee back to camp.
"Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses…" Astarion muttered, curling his lip at the stench of unwashed humanity they encountered.
Though he couldn't smell the mass of refugees approaching the city, Alurdel was inclined to agree.
"They're so loud," he complained. "Their thoughts are giving me a headache." He tried to shut them out as much as possible, but stray snippets kept intruding into his own stream of consciousness from every direction.
- only need a little bit for a starting investment
just put one foot right in front of the other…
"You're coping remarkably well, considering how new you are to this," the Emperor reassured him, and Alurdel perked up his metaphorical ears at the attention of his companion in the Astral Prism. Even though he'd clashed with the Emperor just a day earlier, he found himself missing the only mentor figure he'd known in his short life thus far. "Just remember to stay alert and maintain the boundaries around your own mind, only allowing in enough of the surrounding thoughts to warn of danger…"
The elder mind flayer's advice was a case of 'easier said than done,' but Alurdel continued moving forward out of sheer spite. Put one foot right in front of the other, indeed. The need to do that was something he still had in common with the refugees…
Alurdel jumped as a child nearly barreled right into him. "Watch where you're going," he snapped, narrowly avoiding the small form.
Jaheira's head snapped toward him, assessing whether he was any danger to the little creature.
"Don't worry," Alurdel told her privately. He'd learned he could bypass the disguise spell's automatic speech if he aimed his telepathy at one specific person. "I was just startled. Didn't mean anything by it."
The High Harper nodded, but she continued to eye him warily.
"Ooh, a circus!" Karlach exclaimed out of nowhere. Sure enough, there was a large painted sign up ahead near a gate flanked by colorfully-dressed performers. "Guys, can we go? It's been ages since I saw the Circus of the Last Days. I was just a kid last time they were in town."
Alurdel looked over to see the red-skinned tiefling bouncing on the balls of her feet like an overexcited child. Ah - the circus must be where the actual child had been headed as well.
"I don't know if a circus is the best idea at the moment," Shadowheart cautioned, her eyes flicking back in Alurdel's direction. He wondered if there was a more subtle way to tap into the cleric's senses without her noticing. Was his illusory face as stiff and blank as his real one, or did it betray his inner unease?
Come on, Karlach… Shadowheart thought . A circus, really? You saw how he got around that kid…
"I can handle it," Alurdel said coolly, determined to prove her wrong even though his tentacles were already twitching in agitation underneath the cloak. "We're about to enter the city proper. Maybe the circus will be good practice to help me acclimate."
Though he tried to project confidence, internally he wondered if these wouldn't end up being his famous last words.
Author's Note: Sorry for the lack of a post last week, but I was super busy and don't really have a buffer of unposted chapters anymore though. Luckily I've already started on the next one after this, so fingers crossed I have time to finish it this week. Next up, the circus in Rivington! There's totally no way this can go wrong...