June 14, 199X, Saturday, 9:30 PM
Ana sighed as she looked up at the ceiling with her hands clasped in her chest, knees onto the floor, and her elbows pressing against the soft, cotton sheets, asking God for an answer to a question she couldn't give.
"God, is it a sin?" Ana started. "...that I'm in love with the same gender?"
Silence rose up in the air as she patiently waited for God to answer her. Ana has feared that she'll go to hell for liking someone the same gender as her, or atleast, she believed that God loves every relationship and he doesn't mind about it. Growing up, Ana had always been familiar with the particular sentence in the bible; Love thy neighbor., it wrote. She couldn't comprehend what it meant at first, but the more she learned about it, she came to fully understand the meaning more, apart from what her father, the pastor of the Snowman Church, taught her about same-sex relationships as "doomed to eternal damnation". However, eversince she met Ninten on their adventure a year ago, everything took such a turn for Ana when she unexpectedly developed feelings for the girl. Could it be that Ninten's personality is the reason behind it?
Or could it be that her views suddenly changed?
It resurfaced when Ana found herself sitting in her bed, questioning her sexuality a few weeks ago. To her, it was confusing how she had developed those feelings so fast not only when she just met Ninten, but also the fact that how did she suddenly like girls?
I really think she's pretty and tough, though, I have never seen a girl my age have that kind of fierce personality, it just suits her well... What?! I didn't mean to think about that! We're both girls! What's wrong with me?! How did I even have those feelings? I'm so crazy!
Ana shut her eyes hard and clenched her fists, her cheeks flushing 3 shades of red as she felt more and more embarrassed.
What am I doing?! Ninten's not a boy, I shouldn't be doing this! I don't want my parents to know about this, I really needed to hide this from them. I'm scared to go to hell, what would God think of me? Sure, I have read what happened in Sodom and Gomorrah in the Bible, but will it REALLY change the fact that I have feelings for a girl she doesn't know?
flashback ends
Maybe, just maybe... God is quite okay with Ana being in a relationship with the same gender — almost as okay.
"I wonder if you could hear me, Heavenly Father... I have feelings for this girl, and her name is Ninten." Ana paused, "But the problem is that... we're both girls, and relationships are for men and women only."
She tilted her head back down, closing her eyes, silence broke out the room again as she knelt there motionlessly for about a second. Ana knew she couldn't wait that much longer and wondered if God had already heard her... or... just already knew her feelings...?
"I don't know what to do," Ana paused, taking a deep breath. "My dad wouldn't understand... I'm not sure if I really see myself in a relationship with a guy, my views just... suddenly changed out of nowhere." She hesitated for a moment, furrowing her brows as she bit her lip before speaking up.
"I'm sorry, Heavenly Father, I guess I'm not fit enough to marry a guy..." she confessed, regret etched into her mind. "If Ninten was a boy, then it wouldn't be a problem after all. I love her, dear God, and I hope you don't mind our relationship, I just want to continue serving you with all my might and love like you loved me."
Ana knew she had to get up early to go to a Christian summer youth camp tomorrow, so she pulled herself up from the ground, climbed on the mattress of the bed, grabbed the blankets, and slept.
2 days earlier...
June 13, 199X, Friday, 7:15 PM
Ana dashed through the forest near the outskirts of Podunk, her legs aching as she gasped for air. Ninten was behind her, almost reaching out to tap her shoulder, their laughter echoed through the stillness of the forest while both gasped for air. It had almost been an hour playing tag, and by now, the treetops were so pouched together that they could even barely see the moon in the dark, night sky. While they ran, Ninten felt her legs wobble, the pain flaring in her lungs and chest. She wasn't able to stop at that moment, no, not now, not in a second, she just needed to tag Ana.
Ninten took a glimpse of the rock near the tree in the path Ana passed a second ago, then hunched down and shot forward as fast as she could, climbed on the rock, then lunged at Ana, tagged her on the shoulder and tackling her to the ground with a playful grin, "Got ya!"
They tumbled into the snow, letting out a melodramatic gasp before bursting into giggles.
"You cheater!" Ana cried out, laughing as she tried to wriggle out of Ninten's grasp, catching her breath. "I totally had you beat!"
"Nuh-uh! You're just too slow." Ninten grinned, trying to catch her own breath. "Well I demand a rematch!"
They playfully argued back and forth for a few minutes, breathing heavily until they collapsed into the snow, laying side by side. "Alright, alright," Ninten started, letting out another tired giggle. "I'm sorry.", she relented, looking at Ana.
After a few breaths, Ana reached out Ninten's hand and smiled at her. "It's okay, I forgive you."
"I promise I won't cheat again." Ninten smiled back, feeling a warm flush of happiness spread through her.
The blonde then looked up at the darkening sky as the moonlight radiated her face, casting a soft glow over her features. She couldn't help but think about Ana being beautiful — beautiful like a star shining brighter than the other stars, it made her cheeks heat up at the thought.
Ana noticed her blushing at her, and she started to tease her. "Why Ninten, are you sick? Or are you just staring at me like that because my face looks tempting?"
"N-no!" Ninten stammered, beginning to blush harder while she quickly got up, "I- I just mean that-" she paused before taking a deep breath. "I... y-you just look... pretty to me... like- really pretty. The way the moonlight reflected your face, I just couldn't look away."
Ana flushed at her response and slowly pulled herself up.
"And your cheeks look puffy and squishy to touch too." she replied.
Ninten eyed her like she was a treasure she could only find and flung her arm on her shoulder, pulling her close to her.
"I think we should hang out in this place often after school." "I'd like that, Ninten.." Ana whispered.
Suddenly, her eyes furrowed and looked down as she remembered what had happened the day before.
Flashback starts
Gossip spread through the town of Snowman, most of the people's reactions were disgusted, disappointed, upset, infuriated — whatever type of reaction they have shown. It caused a hit not only her father's reputation, but also Ana's. The townspeople were even grossed out by this, knowing that Ana, the girl they had once loved and respected, had turned on her father's expectations. She was now seen as a person "doomed to eternal damnation."
Townspeople came around at the Snowman Church, coming over to question Ana's father, Pastor Joseph, about his daughter, that someone had seen her kissing a black-haired girl at the train station 5 days ago. It was none other than Ninten, Ana's traveling partner from their adventure.
The whispers grew louder and more malicious as day passes by, until it seemed like everybody in town was talking about it.
When Joseph became increasingly concerned and overwhelmed about the rumors, he called Ana down to clarify the gossip circulated around her and her relationship with Ninten.
"Ana, my child," Joseph began, his voice mixed with concern and disappointment. "I need you to clarify these rumors that have been circulating in town for the past three days. Is it true that you kissed that Ninten friend of yours?"
Ana shuddered at the question, panic grasped through her. She couldn't believe that her father found out about her secret relationship with Ninten. Her hands started to tremble, and Ana knew she couldn't lie and took a deep breath.
That's when Ana had admitted to it.
"Y-yes, daddy. I... I like girls." She paused for a second before she opened her mouth, "And, I'm a lesbian."
Joseph was at a loss for words. He had suspected that something was amiss, but he never imagined that his daughter would question her sexuality at such a young age, shocked knowing that Ana's heart belonged to a girl named Ninten.
"Ana, why did you even hide this from me?" He asked with dismay in his voice.
"I... I was scared because..." Ana muttered, her hands shook in fear as she looked down at her foot.
"I thought... I thought..."
She bit her lip, her tears pricking her eyes, trying to find the right words to say. It was at that moment when her secret relationship with Ninten, all the effort she put to cover it up, had gone down the drain, resulting in it being exposed. Ana couldn't help but to face her fate.
"I thought you would disown me and won't accept me for who I am."
The pastor tried to process what she had said. Lesbian? Liking girls? Secret relationship? There were a lot of questions popping up in his head to which he couldn't answer them. He had always believed in the sanctity of marriage and relationship between man and woman, but he found himself struggling to come to terms with his daughter's sexuality.
His face was bewildered by this "lesbian" word he hadn't heard before. Sure, he knew about homosexuality throughout his life, and it seemed like it was trying to make sense to him.
"Lesbian? What's that?" Joseph asked firmly.
"Again, dad, it means I like girls." Ana replied.
His expression softened, still trying to understand the word and its depth. He paused for a second before speaking up. "Ana, I'm not angry. I'm just... upset. You know that as a pastor, I believe in the traditional values of our faith. You do realize that you won't be able to have children in the future if you continue to choose this path, don't you?"
Ana looked up at her father and intervened, "Dad, there's another way I can have children, please!"
However, his disapproval was evident. He shook his head, and facepalmed hard, looking disappointed.
"You have sinned, my child." Joseph said, his tone laced with sorrow. "This... this is not the path the Lord has chosen for you."
She tried to intervene, trying to get him to understand, longing for her father's acceptance. However, things went too far.
To make matters worse, he dropped a bombshell on his daughter which will leave her traumatized.
"I have decided to take you to conversion therapy on Sunday. You are ill-minded, Ana, this behavior is unacceptable in the eyes of God."
Ana's heart sank as she realized the gravity of the situation, leaving her in shock. "Dad, are you crazy?! Conversion therapy? You can't be doing this!"
"I'm sorry, Ana." Joseph said firmly. "It is the least I can do for you, I can't just stand there and damn yourself to hell."
Ana began to beg her father, pleading him to let her see Ninten one last time before she was taken away.
"Dad please, don't do this!" She cried, tears pricking her eyes. "Let me talk to Ninten one last time before you do this, please!"
And there, they began to argue. It went on for 2 hours, their voices echoing the halls of the Snowman Church, even half of the townspeople could hear them almost far away. Ana kept pleading with her father to understand her, to accept her who she was, until he reluctantly relented, but is planning on taking her to a Christian youth summer camp instead, which made Ana upset. Exhausted, Ana stormed upstairs and went to her bedroom. She jumped onto her bed, tears streaming down her face as she sobbed into her pillow, holding it tightly.
There, she cried for hours, begging God for forgiveness between sobs, feeling so lost. It later subsided when Ana calmed down a little.
Wiping away her tears, she decided to write a letter to Lloyd about the situation she's currently experiencing. Ana pulled herself off from her bed and went to her desk, bringing out a piece of paper and her pen. She took a deep breath before beginning to write on the paper.
—
June 12, 199X
Dear Lloyd,
I don't know where to begin. Everything has fallen apart, and I feel like I'm drowning in a sea full of judgment and condemnation, it feels like I can't fully escape this grasp. My dad found out about Ninten and me, gossip has spread and he's taking me to a conversion therapy, but he changed his mind, insisting that I should go to a Christian youth summer camp to "reconsider myself.". I'm scared, Lloyd, all the effort we made covering up the relationship has gone down the drain. The townspeople have lost all respect from me, and they think I'm doomed to "eternal damnation".
I never meant to hurt anyone. I never wanted to disappoint my dad, my family, my friends... but I can't change who I am, no matter how hard I try. I love Ninten, and I can't imagine my life without her. Please help me, Lloyd, I don't know how much longer I can hold on.
Yours truly,
Ana
—
Ana then slowly sealed the letter, her hands still trembling. She knew that her life would never be the same. The storm that had been brewing within the walls of Snowman had finally broken, leaving destruction and heartache in its wake. Conversion therapy would probably be weak to change her, not even Christian youth summer camp could do the same as she knew it from the bottom of her heart. Her hands reached to open the window and used her PSI powers to deliver the letter to Lloyd's house in Merrysville, hoping he'll reach out to her ASAP and closed the window as the letter flew in the sky.
Feeling tired and drowsy from the crying, Ana gurgly went back to her bed and fell asleep.
flashback ends
Ninten noticed her expression turning somber, knowing something had been bothering her and she reached out to tap her shoulder. "Ana, is there something wrong?"
"My dad found out about our relationship." Ana whispered, her tears welling up her eyes.
Ninten's heart skipped a beat, and her mind began to race with worry and fear, realizing their secret relationship had become fully exposed.
What the fuck?! He discovered our relationship?! This can't be happening! She thought.
"He discovered our relationship through gossip, and he asked me to clarify about it. I had no choice but to admit to him that we hid it from him." Ana sniffed. "He said he wasn't mad, but he told me he's upset that I won't be having children in the future if I continue to choose this path."
Ninten felt a surge of anger and frustration rising up at the unfairness of it all. She couldn't understand why Ana's father couldn't just accept their love for each other, why he had to try and control their lives and to pick and choose their future.
I can't fucking believe it, we're doomed.
"W-what happened next..?" Ninten asked, her voice tight with worry.
That's when Ninten knew what was going on.
"H-he..." Ana's voice trembled. "He's taking me to conversion therapy."
Ninten felt her world crashing down when she heard "conversion therapy" trailing in her mind.
Conversion therapy?! Is he nuts? Who would put their child in such a facility?!
"I pleaded with him to change his mind, he relented and insisted I should go to a Christian summer youth camp on Sunday to 'reconsider' myself. I don't know what to do." The blonde girl mumbled as tears began to fall from her eyes.
Ninten felt a lump form in her throat at the thought of being separated from Ana. She couldn't bear the thought of not being able to hang out with each other, hold her, or kiss her whenever they wanted again. Ninten never wanted to be apart from her and she knew she couldn't let that happen.
Fucking shit. Now what?
She bit her lip and fixed her cap before repositioning herself, her hand reaching out to hold her hand, squeezing it lightly. "What if we aren't able to see each other again?" Ninten asked.
Ana lifted her head up to look at Ninten, with determination on her face.
"We'll find a way."
"Really?"
"Let's send letters in secret and we'll find a way to keep contact no matter what." she replied, a smile forming on her face as she wiped her tears away.
And then, suddenly, Ana leaned in for a kiss, a goodbye kiss. Her lips were warm and soft against Ninten's, which made her blush three shades of red, kissing her back.
After what felt like minutes, they reluctantly pulled away, gazing at each other. They know they won't be physically with each other again, but spiritually and mentally.
"Ninten...?" Ana asked. "What is it, Ana?"
"I... I wish you were a boy so that you'd be my boyfriend. Maybe loving you wouldn't be a sin after all, and it wouldn't be a problem."
Ninten gazed at the girl, little by little, knowing what she meant and she began to smile at her. "Yeah, me too." She took a pause before speaking up.
"Well, hey, I'd treat you right and give you lots of gifts!" She winked.
Ana giggled and kissed her on the cheek. "The things you say, Ninten!"
With that, Ninten pulled her close, wrapping her arms around her in a tight embrace. They sat like that for what felt like hours, comforting each other. Through the prying eyes and expectations of society, they'll always find a way back to each other, and they knew that nothing could ever tear them apart.