Saying it Out Loud
Jason was correct when he said that his boy was exhausted from a month of being on high alert.
Clay had Syria, trying to adjust back at home, two weeks with Alpha Four and his family while worrying about Bravo being spun up without him, celebrating his birthday for the first time ever, and then finally having to face turning seventeen which the kid had convinced himself was some kind of milestone on his way to being eventually alone and unwanted once again. It would have been overwhelming for any grown adult to handle. And Jason knew that he needed to tread lightly and choose his words carefully when dealing with the boy he had taken into his team, his home, his trusted family, and his heart.
Too tired to dream or worry, Clay slept like a rock next to his much loved rescue cat. He woke slowly at around four in the predawn morning after twelve solid hours buried under his soft comforter. Bravo's baby was groggy and for a few long seconds confused about where exactly he was, but he wasn't afraid. When Rocky stood and put his cold nose on Clay's cheek, sensing his new companion was awake and hoping to be fed, the kid immediately recognized that he was safe and sound in his own bed at home with Jason nearby.
Clay lay still soaking in the warmth and quiet until Rocky, refusing to be ignored, walked up his back and sat purring loudly on the back of his head.
"Ugh," Clay groaned. "It's 4:14 in the morning, Rocky. Pull yourself together, boy." Clay smiled to himself quoting his much-loved, giant Uncle Sonny who regularly used that same line on him in the early morning darkness when he would awake, restless and wiggling in the bunk above his grouchy protector, in the barracks of some random warzone.
After using the bathroom and feeding Rocky, who immediately retreated to his newly claimed window seat, Clay crept quietly through Jason's partially open bedroom door knowing that his boss-daddy would be well aware that both he and Rocky were awake and moving around the apartment. The kid knew his chosen dad was not sleeping when he crawled over the older man's body to settle himself in the middle of the bed, snuggling against his warm back.
Chuckling softly, Jason turned slowly and allowed his youngest baby to curl into his chest seeking warmth and reassurance that he was loved and wanted. Wrapping muscled arms around his kid, Bravo One pulled him in close, kissing the top of his messy head.
"Damn, Sunshine," he shivered. "Did you just sneak back in from a night out in the cold?" Jason rubbed the boys back to warm him up, reaching down to wrap his hand around the kid's bare foot before continuing.
"Your feet are like ice cubes, runt," he said, surprised. "Is it cold in your room? You feel okay?"
Clay nodded against his dad's chest, feeling safer than he had since the whole Syria fiasco. "I'm good, Jase," he said. "I was warm in my bed, but I woke up, and then Rocky wanted to eat. The kitchen is cold. I'm sorry we woke you up. Can I stay here with you for a little while?"
"You can always stay with me, sweetheart," Jason said. "It's early. How about we get a couple more hours sleep, and then I'll cook us up some bacon and eggs."
"And toast?" Clay added.
"Of course, toast," Jason gave him a squeeze. "Do you think we are barbarians? Have I ever fed you bacon and eggs without toast?"
Clay laughed, burying his face in his guardian's strong chest. "You know I love you, right Jase?"
"I do, son," Jason assured him once again. "And I hope you know I love you right back, even more."
A few hours later, Clay was enjoying his scrambled eggs and bacon, with the promised toast, while Jason put the pans in the dishwasher and thought about the best way to broach the topic of the future without putting the kid into a full panic.
"So Clay," he said, joining his kid at the table with a cup of black coffee. "Yesterday while you were sleeping, Trent filled me in on your conversation with Dr. Jeff."
"What did Trent say?" Clay looked up nervously, putting down his toast. "Are you mad?"
"No, Sunshine," Jason said. "I'm not mad, and neither is Trent. I'm annoyed to hear that you were fake sleeping and eavesdropping when Tim had made it clear he expected you to be napping. And believe me young man, we will be talking more about that later."
"I'm sorry," Clay said quietly, looking down at the table.
"You should be sorry for being sneaky and listening in on the conversation of adults. Although, I admit I use the term 'adults' very loosely in this particular situation," Jason said, shaking his head. "But that aside. You have been warned more than once about the sneaky business."
"Are you going to punish me?" Clay sighed, suspecting he already knew the answer to that one.
"Do you think you deserve to be punished?" Jason asked.
"You know I hate when you ask me that," Clay whined.
Jason stared back at him, not in the mood for teen nonsense.
"If I say no, will I not get punished?" Clay said sarcastically.
"Your opinion is not related to whether or not you get punished," Jason said lightly. He was well aware that Clay was trying to bait him to avoid talking about what he had told Dr. Jeff. Channeling Trent, Bravo One decided to remember that he was the adult in this conversation and not allow the child to control the situation.
"So then why do you even ask?" Clay snapped back, frustrated that his sarcastic tone did not provoke his boss-daddy to give him a good, hard smack across his ass and send him to his room, where he could escape this conversation.
"I'm legitimately curious as to whether or not you actually know you are choosing to do something that is wrong and likely to get you punished," Jason said calmly.
Clay flopped back in his chair, rolling his eyes, frustrated that he was clearly not being let off the hook about his conversation with Dr. Jeff.
"And just a heads up, son," Jason went on making eye contact with his pouting kid. "Continue using that disrespectful tone with me, or roll those big, blue eyes again, and your punishment, which we will be discussing later, will be upgraded from a grounding in the electronics free zone to a grounding kicked off with a trip across my knee that will be painful for us both, and completely unnecessary. So how about you take a breath, relax, and consider what you know about actions and consequences before you answer my original question, so that we can both dodge spending the rest of the day feeling sorry for ourselves."
Clay was silent for several seconds, looking down at his breakfast and thinking over his options.
Jason had just given him a really great birthday, something no other adult during the first sixteen years of his life had cared enough to do for him. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he had been warned by Jason, Trent, Sonny and pretty much every other grouchy uncle in his life that eavesdropping on the adults was going to get him in trouble. And Clay knew it was wrong the whole time he was pretending to sleep while listening to the support guys, but he did it anyway because they were talking about his family. Now he was upset and anxious about what had been said, he was in trouble with Jason, and the old guys were right as usual - he was sorry he had heard the conversation.
Deciding that he definitely did not want to fight with Jason, Clay made eye contact with his chosen dad. "Yes," he said softly.
Jason was genuinely confused, which was obvious by his expression.
"Yes, what?" he responded.
Now Clay was the one looking confused. "Yes, sir?" he said.
That got an unintended chuckle out of Jason who was trying to be stern with his kid about this whole ridiculous back and forth between the 'young dipshits' as Sonny called them, and the 'old geezers' which was the equally mature response.
"What are you saying yes to, Sunshine?" Jason said, shaking his head, not even trying to hide his amusement.
Clay stopped to think about it for a second.
"Yes. I deserve to be punished for eavesdropping on the 'adults'," he said, making air quotes. "I've been warned not to do that about a hundred times. And 'yes', I've decided I definitely do not want to add a spanking to the agenda that will make us both feel really bad."
"Especially me," Clay added.
"Excellent," Jason said, smiling and reaching over to pet his boy's wild hair. "And I know this is hard for you to believe, Sunshine, but I promise that dishing out a spanking would make me feel just as bad as you."
"We'll have to agree to disagree on that one," Clay said, straight faced.
That got a full laugh out of Jason.
"Okay, shorty," he said. "We'll do that. And now that you have successfully managed to throw out a little top shelf distraction to avoid the topic for a few minutes, how about you fill me in on what is going on in your busy brain that you shared with Dr. Jeff yesterday."
"Can you please talk about it with Trent?" Clay sighed.
"As I'm sure you know since you sent him to me," Jason said gently. "I already talked to Trent. And now I want you to tell me what's going on."
"What did Trent tell you?" Clay asked hesitantly.
"Well, as you already know, Uncle Trent filled me in on the eavesdropping situation," Jason said. "He also reported that you are feeling anxious about a few different things, and for some reason, you don't want to discuss it with either me or Trent directly, so you asked Dr. Jeff to tell Trent to tell me."
"Yes," Clay agreed. "That's what happened yesterday."
"Have you ever heard of the telephone game?" Jason asked.
Clay was quiet for a second, thinking this was some kind of trick to get him talking.
"The telephone game?" he said. "No. I never heard of that."
"It's a game we used to play when I was a kid," Jason said. "We'd sit in a circle, and one kid would whisper something in the ear of the next kid. And then that kid would whisper what he'd heard to the next kid. And the whispering would continue until it got to the last kid in the circle."
"Okay…" Clay said slowly.
"And then the last kid would say what he had heard out loud," Jason explained. "And what do you think happened?"
"I have no clue," Clay said, seriously. "But I would definitely recommend that you NOT share this story with the support guys, Jase. You must have been desperate for fun in the 80's if this is what you did to entertain yourselves. I have a new appreciation for PlayStation and TikTok."
"Very funny, smart ass," Jason said, swatting the back of his head.
"Okay," Clay laughed. "Now I really want to know. What happens when the last man speaks in the telephone game? Is it like a scary Bloody Mary type thing?"
"No," Jason said slowly, shaking his head. "Sonny is right. There is something wrong with your people."
"So what happens?" Clay asked.
"When the last kid says what he heard," Jason explained. "Everyone laughs because usually it's a crazy jumbled sentence that means nothing to anyone."
"What?" Clay said. "Seriously, Jase. How is this an actual game?"
"The point of the telephone game, Clay," he explained. "Is that when something gets passed from one person to another to another, by the time it gets through a few people, it's all mixed up, and no one got the original story."
"Okay, Jase," Clay said seriously. "I don't want to make you mad, and I'm not trying to be funny or disrespectful or anything like that. But do you think it might be a good idea if we get Trent over here to help out with some translation. You know he wakes up at the crack of dawn, and he's probably just sitting around reading the paper or fixing something."
"Number one," Jason said, standing to empty his coffee in the sink. "I had very little hope that we would get through this conversation without calling in Uncle Trent for backup. And number two - you are sure as shit still trying to stall, so if you think you are conning me, you're wrong. Go right ahead and call your fixer, because when he gets here, your distraction action will be coming to an immediate halt."
Jason stopped behind the kid's chair to give him a quick kiss on the head. "I'm going to take a shower," he said. "I want you to finish those eggs and the juice before Trent arrives with donuts and you start sugar binging."
"How do you know Trent's going to bring donuts?" Clay asked.
Jason gave him his 'Are you serious right now?' stare.
"You're probably right," Clay laughed.
"I know I'm right, Sunshine," Jason said, heading toward the bathroom and a hot shower to help him prepare for round two with his high maintenance youngest baby.
As predicted, Trent was sitting at his kitchen table, reading the Sunday paper and drinking his coffee when his phone vibrated and Clay's name appeared on his screen.
"That didn't take long," he said out loud to himself as he swiped to answer.
"Hey Shorty," Bravo's patient fixer said. "You're up with the birds. What's up?"
"We have a situation, Trent," Clay whispered, looking around the corner to be sure Jason wasn't listening.
"What kind of situation?" Trent said calmly, shaking his head and standing to put on his boots. "Is Jason there with you?"
"He's in the shower," Clay said, still whispering for no apparent reason. "Trent, how old are people when they start getting crazy?"
"What?" Trent said, grabbing his keys and wallet and heading for his truck. "What are you talking about, honey? And why are you whispering like we're two kids talking in church?"
"I think maybe something is wrong with Jason," Clay said, still whispering, but getting himself worked up.
"Calm down, Clay," Trent said, patiently. He pulled out of the driveway, assuming if Jason was in the shower, he was fine. "I need you to relax and tell me what is going on. Why do you think something is wrong with the boss?"
"Because he's talking about random stuff that makes no sense," Clay whispered. "How old are people when they start getting that Alzheimer's thing?"
Trent was silent.
"Trent?" Clay said, nervously. "Are you there? I can't hear you."
"Oh, I'm here," he said calmly. "I'm just processing. I don't know what is going on over there, but I'm stopping at Dunkin, and I'll be there in ten minutes. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Does Jason know you called me?"
"Yes, Trent," he said. "Jason said I could call, and he was going to take a shower. He told me to finish my eggs and juice before you got here."
"Did you finish your breakfast?" Trent asked with the patience of a saint.
"I'm working on it," Clay said, playing with his eggs.
"Work harder," Trent said, meaning business. "Do as you were told and eat your food. I will be there soon. Everything is going to be okay. And Jason most definitely does not have 'That Alzheimer's Thing'."
"How do you know, Trent?" Clay asked anxiously. "He was talking about some crazy game and not making sense."
"I'm hanging up now, Clay, so I can get the donuts," Trent said, pulling into the drive thru. "Eat your breakfast, and I'll be there soon."
When Trent arrived carrying two coffees and a box of donuts, Clay was sitting at the table watching Jason load the dishwasher.
"Well," Bravo's medic said cheerfully, "You two have started the day off bright and early."
Jason turned to his longtime brother and shook his head, rolling his eyes.
"Clay," Trent said. "How about you choose a couple donuts for Derrick and Catherine and take them across the hall. The boss and I need to talk for a few minutes in the kid free zone. I'm texting Derrick now to let him know you're coming."
Trent: Hey. I'm sending the runt across the hall. Can you and Catherine keep him over there with you for a few minutes while I talk to Jason?
Derrick: You're doing an intervention at 8:30 on a Sunday morning? Lol Sure thing. Send him over.
Trent: Thanks. I'll call when you can send him back.
When Clay left holding a paper plate with three donuts, Derrick was standing in his open doorway waiting for him.
"Morning, kiddo," Alpha's medic said cheerfully. "Are those donuts for me and my pretty wife?"
"Hi, Derrick," Clay said, looking pitiful as he walked past his neighbor into the apartment. "Is Catherine up yet?"
"I'm right here, baby," she said, taking the plate of donuts and putting them on the table before opening her arms and inviting her favorite kid in for a hug. "What are you doing out and about so early on a Sunday morning?"
"Trent and Jason are over there talking about me," Clay pouted, burying his head in his adopted aunt's shoulder.
"In that case, Trouble, you better take a seat," Derrick teased. "You will probably be here awhile. What did you do to make your boss-daddy call for reinforcements first thing in the morning?"
Clay shrugged, looking defeated.
"Ignore your Uncle Derrick," Catherine said, kissing his forehead. "Come over here and sit with me on the couch and we'll eat our donuts."
Once he was snuggled up next to Catherine on the couch, Clay looked over at Derrick who was in his favorite chair eating his own donut and drinking a bottled water.
"Derrick," Clay started. "Back in old times, did you ever hear about The Telephone Game?"
Catherine snorted, looking up at her husband clearly amused.
"Yes, Derrick," she chuckled. "Do tell us how things were in old times, dear."
"What do you know about The Telephone Game?" Derrick smiled. "Does this have something to do with the high level meeting happening across the hall? I hope you're gonna make it through the weekend without getting your little tail warmed. Catherine and I are off to spend the morning visiting her grandma at the old folk's home in Norfolk. So you, Shorty, are on your own with the big boss-daddy and Uncle Grumpelstiltskin. You may want to keep in mind that your best butt saver will be out of the building before you decide to push buttons."
"No acting up today, sweetheart," Catherine warned. "I don't want to come home tonight and find my favorite kid all pouty and feeling sorry for himself because he got punished."
"I'm already punished," Clay grumped. "But right now I'm just grounded."
"For what now?" Derrick said, shaking his head.
"Fake sleeping and eavesdropping on the support guys when Bravo was spun up without me," Clay said. "Do you want to know what they said about you?"
"Absolutely not," Derrick said, getting up to throw out his napkin. "I couldn't care less what the support children think or say about me. And Jason is right that you need to be punished because you have been given more warnings than I can count about minding adult business."
"You never answered my question," Clay said softly, snuggling up against Catherine.
"I was distracted by the report of your naughty nonsense," Derrick laughed. "What question do you need answered now, squirt?"
"Is there really such a thing as The Telephone Game that kids played when you were young?" Clay asked.
"I was more a dodgeball or spin the bottle guy myself," Derrick said, plopping himself down on the other side of the kid and putting his feet up on the coffee table. "But I bet your pretty Aunt Catherine played some telephone in her day."
"I did indeed," Catherine said, resting her chin on the head of the boy she loved so much. "Why the sudden interest in games of the 70s and 80s sweetheart?"
"Jason started telling me about the telephone thing completely out of nowhere while we were eating breakfast," Clay said, looking up at Catherine nervously. "It freaked me out because it sounded like some crazy thing he just made up. I thought he was losing it. I called Trent, but he says it's not the Alzheimer's thing."
"Well that's a relief," Derrick said, cracking up.
"It's not funny, Derrick," Clay said, looking anxious. "Do you know Jason is almost fifty? Anything could happen to him."
"Okay, runt," Derrick said, pulling himself together when he realized the kid was legitimately upset. "All of us senior guys are easing up to fifty's door. But we are all in reasonably good shape. And I think you can remove Alzheimer's from your long list of worries for the time being."
Catherine looked at Derrick over the boy's head and pulled him in close offering comfort and reassurance.
"Baby, what's this all about?" she said. "Does this have something to do with the chat Jason and Trent are having across the hall?"
"I told Dr. Jeff some stuff I was worried about, and asked him to tell Trent, so Trent could tell Jason and I wouldn't have to talk to them about it," Clay said softly.
"Ahh," Derrick said, shaking his head and reaching over to squeeze the kid's neck gently. "The Telephone Game."
"I don't get it," Clay said honestly.
"Clay, honey," Catherine explained calmly. "You were trying to avoid talking to Jason yourself, so you sent a message through your doctor to Trent and eventually to Jason. I'm guessing he was trying to explain to you that it is like the telephone game where a message goes through several people and ends up getting mixed up and misinterpreted."
"Oh, now I get it," Clay said, softly. "Why didn't Jason just explain it instead of rambling on about some boring game?"
"I don't know, Trouble," Derrick said. "Why didn't you just tell Jason directly what is making you anxious so that he can help you sort it out like we all know he would absolutely drop everything to do for you."
"It's hard to explain," Clay said, resting his head against Catherine's arm.
"Try, sweetie," Catherine said, gently. "We can't help you if you don't let us know what the problem is."
"It's going to sound dumb," Clay went on. "But, I don't want to say it outloud to Jason or Trent because I'm afraid if I say it outloud, it will make it real."
"And let me guess," Derrick said, reaching over to rub the kid's head. "Jason decided to force the issue and talk about whatever has upset you this morning. And you decided to have yourself a little meltdown, which is why Bravo's kid tamer has been summoned to the scene."
"Pretty much," Clay said quietly, closing his eyes.
Just then, Derrick's phone vibrated.
"Your little sulk is over, kiddo," Derrick said, cheerfully. "Boss-daddy wants you to report back across the hall ASAP."
"Great," Clay sighed, standing up to leave.
"Hey," Derrick said, getting the kid's attention. "Remember what I said, Shorty. No pushing buttons to avoid this conversation. I guarantee it will end badly for all involved. And keep in mind that Aunt Catherine will be hanging with her granny today, so you are on your own."
"Derrick's right, honey," Catherine said. "Don't purposely provoke Jason. I want to see you happy and sitting comfortably when I get home later today. Let Jason and Trent help you. And behave."
"I'll try," Clay said, kissing both Catherine and Derrick on the head before walking toward the door. "Have fun with granny. I love you guys."
"We love you too, baby," Catherine blew him a kiss. "Have a good day."
When Clay walked back into the apartment, he found both Jason and Trent sitting at the kitchen table. Knowing that he was about to be double-teamed, and that he was not going to avoid this conversation, Clay decided to take the advice of Derrick and Catherine and behave himself.
"Have a seat, Sunshine," Jason said lightly, pointing to the open chair across from him and next to Trent.
When he sat quietly and looked back at the older men, Trent spoke first.
"Okay, Clay," the unflappable medic started. "Clearly this is a talk that you don't want to have with us. And I understand that you have yourself worked up and afraid that you are going to hear something scary that you have been dreading. But, honey, I promise you that Jason and I are not going to tell you anything bad that is going to hurt you in any way."
Trent paused to let that sink in before continuing.
"Do you remember the last time the three of us had an honest talk about what was going to happen moving forward?" Trent asked. "Coincidentally, it was almost exactly a year ago. You and I had just paid an unpleasant visit to the infirmary, and you were on my couch suffering through strep-throat and a double ear infection."
"I remember," Clay said, quietly. "It was when you made me tell you that I wasn't twenty."
"That's right, Sunshine," Jason said, gently. "And you had yourself all worked up that day, just like you do today. You were in panic mode and trying to figure out how to escape without talking to us honestly about your past and how you ended up on Bravo."
"You were terrified that we were going to abandon you for being dishonest and too young for Bravo," Trent said. "And you told us things that were really hard. But when it was over, honey, and you had finally told us the truth about everything, did anything terrible happen to you?"
"No," Clay said, honestly. "I was so scared you were going to dump me, and I was going to be alone again. But you didn't."
"No, we didn't," Trent said firmly. "We didn't abandon you then, we are not abandoning you now, and we won't abandon you ever. Do you believe we are telling you the truth?"
Clay looked down at the table, considering his answer before speaking.
"I believe you don't think you will leave me," Clay said, quietly. "But I'm afraid that things could change or something bad could happen to make it so I lose you."
The boy's voice was calm, but the older men could see that tears were falling down his cheeks. It was yet another gut punch reminding them how young and vulnerable he was, and how much they had grown to love him like their own child.
Reaching across the table to wipe away the falling tears with his calloused thumb, Jason took a breath before speaking.
"And this is why we need to have this discussion, sweetheart," Jason said. "There are things that even old guys like us don't like to think about and discuss, and we have avoided this conversation which was a big mistake on our part. Because now you have gotten yourself worked up and afraid of something that is never going to happen. And we are not leaving this table until we are all on the same page."
"Clay," Trent said, using his gentle but firm voice. "Dr. Jeff told me that you are really anxious about what is going to happen when you turn eighteen next year. Is that true, honey?"
Clay nodded, looking back and forth between Jason and Trent. Jason stood to grab a box of tissues, pulling several out and handing them to his kid so that he could mop up his face.
"What do you think is going to happen that is scaring you, Sunshine?" Jason asked.
"I don't know what's going to happen, and that scares me," Clay said.
"Okay," Trent said. "I believe you. But, there must be something you are worried might happen that you are too afraid to say out loud and make it real. I want you to tell us what that is, because we can't fix it if we don't know what we are even talking about."
"In foster care," Clay whispered, as if it was too awful to say in a normal tone of voice. "The day you turn eighteen, you age out. They give you some money, I think, and try to help you find an apartment or someplace to stay so you aren't on the street. But you can't stay in foster care anymore. You have to leave. And if you were staying with a family, those people aren't your family anymore. They will move other kids in, and you have to go figure things out on your own. That's why Brian joined the Navy. Because he didn't have anywhere else to go, and no one wanted him. And when he died in that training accident, the only people who showed up were guys from his unit and his commanding officer. No one from the boy's foster facility, and no one from any of the families he had ever stayed with showed up. Because he was never their real kid."
Trent and Jason were momentarily speechless. It was as if they were back in Trent's house, a year earlier, listening to this boy tell them every horrible thing that had been done to him throughout his short life.
"Are you saying that you are afraid when you turn eighteen, you are going to 'age out' of being my kid?" Jason asked.
"I don't know what's going to happen, and that scares me," Clay said. "I know you said that I'm your kid forever, but Emma and Mikey are your kids and when they were eighteen, you sent them away to school, and now they don't even live in the same state as you."
Trent and Jason made eye contact and had one of their silent conversations.
Fuck, Trent. You were right. I should have talked about this with him a long time ago.
It's not just you Jase. We all forget how damaged he's been and how much reassurance he needs. And we all should have known that the support guys needed to be told that he's a sneak and an expert fake sleeper before we just left them to babysit for two weeks.
"Clay," Jason said, gently. "I should have talked to you about this earlier when you first told Dr. Jeff that you were nervous about turning seventeen. That's on me. And I did not just send Emma and Mikey away when they turned eighteen. I had a very different, and complicated relationship with them because I was consumed with my job, and they were basically raised by their mother."
Jason took a breath and stood to get the kid a bottle of water before continuing.
"And then, honey," Jason continued, "I've never really talked to you about this, but you know Alana and I were divorced when she died. I was here living alone in the apartment, Emma was already away at college in New York, and Mikey was with his mom in our old house. I didn't 'send Emma away to school'. Alana wanted her to go to school in Virginia, but Emma loved New York and wanted to live there. It was her choice. And Alana and I always thought she'd come back eventually, but then Alana was killed in a car accident, and Emma was already attached to her friends in the city."
"So why didn't she come back after college?" Clay asked. "Did you want her to come back?"
"Yes, Clay," Jason said. "I would love it if Emma had decided to move back here so that I could see her anytime, like Katie sees The Colonel and Melinda spends time with her family. But, that's not what Emma decided to do. I still love her so much, and if she decided to move back to this area, I would be the happiest old guy around. I didn't have the same kind of relationship with Emma and Mikey as I have with you. And that doesn't mean I love any of you more or less, all three of you and Bravo are my life. But because my job has been so consuming, I didn't spend the time with Emma and Mikey that I do with you. You and I are together at work and at home. And you don't have a mother like they did. It's just different, honey."
"But what about Mikey," Clay said. "He lived with you when he was my age after his mom died. He even had the same room as me. And you said that after his mother was killed you and Mikey were really close and that he even stayed in your room when he was scared or sick like I do. Why didn't he stay with you after he was eighteen?"
"When Mikey was eighteen," Jason said, "I had just become Bravo One, and I was working all the time. Yes, it's true we were close and we lived together in the apartment, and he slept in my room a lot right after Alana died. But Clay, I was gone for long periods of time, and my mother used to come stay with Mikey at the apartment because unlike you, he wasn't Bravo, and I couldn't take him with me everywhere I went."
"My mom became like Alana to him, and they were really close," Jason explained. "He decided to go to a school in New York between where Emma was in New York City and where my mom lived in Buffalo. If he had stayed here after he was eighteen, he would have been spending a lot of time on his own when I was gone, so he made the choice to be in New York closer to his sister and grandmother. And then when he graduated from college, he was offered a job in Colorado. He had friends from school who lived there, so he started a new life there. But I never sent him away. I went along with what he wanted because I felt like it was the best thing for him."
"So do you think if you weren't Bravo, maybe they would still be here with you?" Clay asked innocently.
Jason sighed sadly, and Trent knew this conversation was killing him. He knew his brothers well, and Trent knew that like all of the men who chose to take the tier one path, the decisions and sacrifices were never easy. Trent had lost three wives to his Navy career, and Sonny had no one in his life outside of his SEAL brothers. Derrick and Metal had consciously chosen to be childless; Josh and Ray struggled daily to walk the fine, complicated, stressful line between father and tier one operator. And both of them knew that unlike Jason, they would never choose being a team leader knowing that would require putting their team before their family.
"I don't know, Clay," Jason said honestly. "I thought about that a lot after Alana died, and I did so much second guessing about the choices I made. I wondered if I had never become Bravo One, maybe she would still be alive, maybe we would never have divorced. But, eventually honey, I had to accept the choices I made as in the past and unchangeable. I'm happy with my life now, and though I will always wish Emma and Mikey hadn't lost their mother, and that I had been a better father to them growing up, I don't regret being Bravo."
"I'm sorry that Emma and Mikey lost their mom, too," Clay said. "But I'm glad you became Bravo One. If you weren't Bravo, I wouldn't have you as my dad and Bravo as my family."
"And Clay," Jason said. "We all love you, and we all are so glad we have you as our kid. And that is not changing when you turn eighteen. I will still be your guardian in the Navy until you are twenty. When you are eighteen you can think about what you want to do. I want you to stay here with me as long as you want to be here, but if you think you want to try going back to the dorms to be with kids your own age, you can do that, too."
"It will be your decision, kiddo," Trent said. "But it's not a decision you need to worry about now. You have a lot of time to decide. And if you aren't ready to decide at eighteen, you can keep doing exactly what you are doing now until you are ready to make a change."
"So if I want to stay here with you when I turn eighteen, I can do that?" Clay confirmed.
"Yes, Sunshine," Jason smiled. "You can definitely do that."
"And you'll still be Bravo?" Clay asked.
"I'm committed to being Bravo One until you are twenty," Jason told him simply. "I can't be Bravo much longer than that because I will be too old for active duty on a tier-one team. It's not something any of us senior guys like to think about, but that's the way it is. Trent, Sonny, Josh, Derrick, Metal and I have been in the Navy since we were not much older than you, and we will all have to decide for ourselves what we want to do when we can't continue to be tier one operators."
"But will you still be here in Virginia Beach?" Clay said, looking nervous.
"I plan to stay here in this area," Jason said. "I don't think I'm ready to leave everyone and everything that has been my life for so long. I will most likely become some kind of instructor for at least a few more years after you are twenty, but beyond that, I can't say for sure. But I can say for sure, that wherever I am will be your home."
"I know you have been thinking about being a regular kid like your friends," Trent said. "And that's perfectly normal and okay. Once you are twenty, you will be able to decide if being a SEAL and a tier one operator is the life you want, or if you want to go in a different direction. But Clay, that's also not something you need to worry about now. You have lots of time to think about it, and so many people who love you and will be there for you whatever you decide you want to do."
"That all sounds good when I'm here with you," Clay said. "But when I'm alone at night or even sometimes during the day when I'm not busy, I start to think about all the bad things that have happened to me. And I worry about bad things that might be coming. Even though I try not to be scared, I can't shut it off, and I can't stop worrying."
"What bad things are you thinking about?" Jason asked.
"The worst thing is that I will be alone without my family," Clay admitted. "That you won't want me anymore, or that something bad will happen to you."
"I know that is something that scares you, honey," Jason said. "But you have so many people who love you now. Even if something did happen to me, which is not likely, but sometimes bad things just happen - you would still have a big family to look out for you and take care of you."
"Trent," Clay started, quietly. "When you can't be Bravo, will you stay here, too? Or are you going back to Alabama?"
"I will probably want to visit my family more often than I can now, squirt," Trent smiled at him. "But I'm an old grouch who is accustomed to my little house and my life here in Virginia Beach. So, I may decide to be an instructor for the young medics, or maybe I will do something else related to what I do now. Or maybe I'll just putter around my house and be here for when my boys need me. But no matter what old Uncle Trent decides to do when that time comes, you and Brock will always be my kids, and I will always be right here for you."
"And sweetheart," Trent went on. "This has been a lot to talk about and digest. So how about we relax for the rest of this sunny Sunday. We can talk more about what's been worrying you later and sort it all out together. I've got some yard work to tackle back at home. And I know you have that new game for the PlayStation Brock and Katie bought for your birthday."
Clay looked over at Jason with the puppy eyes on max.
"I think I'm grounded from the PlayStation," he said, sadly. "Jason didn't tell you?"
"You are definitely shut off from the electronics for the next week, Sunshine," Jason said firmly. "And no, I didn't have a chance to give Trent the sad news. So you will need to plan something that is power cord and charger free to occupy yourself today."
"Remind me why you're on lockdown," Trent said. "I don't remember things the way I used to when I was young and spry."
"I'm grounded for fake sleeping and eavesdropping when Tim told me to take a nap," Clay said. "Do either of you even want to know what they said about you? I asked Derrick and he said he couldn't care less what the support guys think about him."
"Well, runt," Trent said. "I have to agree with the boss that you definitely deserve to be on lockdown. And you're lucky you dodged getting your little tail scorched, because you most certainly have had more than enough warnings about the sneaking around."
"And I agree with Derrick one hundred percent that I have no interest in what the twenty-somethings had to say about me," Jason said. "But I do suspect they will be wishing they weren't too grown for a grounding or tail scorching when they are done with the special training I have planned for them this week."
"Well then," Trent said. "Since PlayStation and your phone are off limits, how about you come home with me and help out with the yard work. If you do a good job, and keep complaining to the bare minimum, and if it's okay with the boss, I'll take you to Barnes & Noble later this afternoon to use the gift certificate Ray and Naima gave you for your birthday. "
"Can I go, Jase?" Clay asked hopefully.
"Go ahead, Sunshine," Jason said. "I want to stop over and see how Brock and Katie are doing this afternoon. He's been keeping a low profile, and I haven't seen Katie since we got back from Venezuela."
"Sounds like a plan," Trent smiled, reaching over to put his hand on Clay's head before turning to face Jason. "And how about you invite the young lovebirds and we can meet for dinner at The Bulkhead around six."
"Will do," Jason said. "A family dinner with our kids is a great way to end the weekend."
"Alright then, runt," Trent said. "Go shower and get dressed. We have a lot to get done at Casa Trent today."
"Okay, Trent," the kid said, heading toward the bathroom. "Don't go without me."
"Wouldn't think of it, shorty," he said lightly.
Once they heard the shower start, Jason turned to his trusted brother.
"So that went better than I expected," he said. "But, I have a feeling there is more to this than the kid being scared of me kicking him to the curb on his next birthday."
"Oh there's definitely more to come," Trent sighed, with Trouble and Brock too I strongly suspect. I haven't heard anything from our second youngest this weekend, and that is not like him. "But I don't want to push Clay too hard this morning. The full retelling of his horrendous childhood in one sitting was brutal, and I don't think I can handle that level of drama all at once."
"You know him better than anyone," Jason said. "Now that the door has been opened, he'll start singing like a bird. And he'll likely have more to say when it's just the two of you at your place."
"I agree," Trent said. "He's confirmed what we already knew was making him fret about turning eighteen, but there is a lot more to this according to Dr. Jeff. He hasn't even begun to talk about what happened in Syria, and I suspect that his most recent abandonment panic is about more than his birthday. He'll drop more info when we're alone now that he knows what's coming in the next few years isn't the scary thing he's been building up in his head."
"Thanks for taking him off my hands," Jason said sincerely. "He does better talking honestly with you. And I want to check in with Brock away from base and without Clay tagging along. Brock's definitely been better since we got back from Venezuela, but he still has that haunted look when he thinks no one is paying attention. And the baby is not our only boy who has not talked about Syria or in any way processed what happened or his fears since returning home."
"On a lighter and more entertaining note," Trent chuckled. "Clay was so thrown off his game by your attempt at using the telephone game as an analogy for him using everybody but Rocky to avoid talking directly about his fears, that he had himself thinking you might be suffering from 'that Alzheimer's thing'."
"That little shit seriously thinks I'm old enough for dementia?" Jason said, rolling his eyes.
"Apparently he's a little shaky on his knowledge of the timeline for mental decline," Trent smiled. "He was whispering like you were going to jump out of a closet, and asking how old people are when they start to get crazy."
"Now the text I got from Derrick makes more sense," Jason said, shaking his head at his brother's antics. "Mr. Comedy asked if I knew who was president and if I could count backwards from one hundred."
When he emerged from the bathroom, Clay stopped, looking confused. Bravo's youngest had no clue why his boss-daddy and favorite uncle were uncharacteristically laughing together at the kitchen table, but he was happy to be spending the day with Trent and hopeful that he could avoid anymore talk about his scary thoughts for at least the rest of the week.