When I first came to New World, I was anxious and confused. I was also scared because I woke up in a different body with a different face. Not only was I younger, I had horns and tail - appearing exactly as my game avatar. Nevertheless, I focused on observing the current world and adjusting to my new body.

It hurts...it hurts me much...
Why is it so uncomfortable...?
My whole body is tingling...
It's getting dark... everything's dark...

I think it was the first few days or a week when the drastic changes began to take effect. My whole body was craving because of unfulfilled hedonism. I wanted to see someone suffer but I ignored it, but it got worse the more I resisted it. It was like an unreachable itch or an invisible centipede crawling all over me.

"I don't want to hurt others..."

Afraid that I might kill someone to ease the curse of this body, I left the castle for a while and groaned alone in a dark corner. My mind would flash imaginary visions of humans begging for mercy as I twist their limbs and flesh. A part of me desired to find amusement in the suffering of others, but I could never indulge myself just for pleasure and boredom.

"This isn't what I promised...to myself..."

I sit in a corner, trembling like a scared child and my anxiety caused me to claw the skin off my cheeks, peeling them down in four strips each and letting blood drop from my chin and stain my armor.

"It's too unbearable that I just want to die!"

Before being transported here, I never thought of hurting humans or enjoying their suffering, so I panicked alone. My daughters should never see their parent indulge in their vices, but to a demon, it's only natural to be a hypocrite enjoying themselves.

"No...no...no. I don't want that..."

I thought of Touch-san who never cared what anyone looked like. He always saved them so long as they needed his help. Touch Me stuck to his ideals justice and kept saving those tormented and oppressed by others. It was just a game but his ideals stuck to my memory that I decided to save others bullied by other players too. It was how I met my daughters and found out my good friend was in the game too.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Touch-san. This isn't how the person you guided should be"

For the first time ever since coming here, I let tears flow from both of my eyes. Touch-san said he believed in me and I was a good person too even if I was awkward sometimes. I didn't want to let him down because he did so much for me like giving me the reward of the dungeon he quickly cleared while I barely did anything. I was moved by him because I used my free time to ensure fellow heteromorphs don't suffer injustice until they quit.

"..."

I thought it'd be fine if I killed my enemies since I was defending myself and my people, but the expression of a soldier who surrendered stuck to me. He begged for mercy as he dropped his weapon, but I still struck him down. Someone who lost the will to fight shouldn't be executed cowardly because warriors should die on their feet. When I realized, I enjoyed killing and tormenting others that I had to leave for a while.

"This is just going to get worse, isn't it?"

When I was human, seeing my own blood made me scared. It was obviously different when I stretched a grin when their blood splattered to my face and enjoyed the taste of their warm flesh in my mouth. If the race of my avatar affected my personality, then it was my own stupidity for choosing a naturally evil race.

"..."

The thought of a race changing item struck me. I had cash shop items that could change me to either dragonoid, vampire, half-demon, or angel races, but it was more of a problem than a solution. Changing my race meant it would affect my racial levels and my skills. It might reduce my level and I could also lose a lot of my skills. There was no game bar or interface, so I didn't know if I could retain my level and skills. Margaret was also smart that she'd realized I'd get my item from the vault to kill myself and try to stop me.

"..."

I took a deep breath right before I stood up. My hand was shaking, but I pulled out one of my longswords in my inventory. It can bypass my passive healing and I can deactivate my physical resistance. I just have to remove my equipment and drive it to my chest. If I die, my daughters wouldn't be in danger from me...but I would leave them alone.

"..."

I take another deep breath. In case something happened to me, I already wrote a will that I would pass the throne to either of them. They would be protected and I don't have to wait in agony while I slowly lose my humanity in this cursed body.

"I'd rather die than lose what's left of myself..."

This would eventually drive me mad to the point I would lose myself and my ideals would become empty words I would spout from my mouth. I'd become a monster - worse than the tormenters back in the game.

"I'm sorry, Touch-san. If you were here, you'd be horrified that I became a bloodthirsty monster"

I tightly grit my teeth and firmly grips the handle with both of my hands. My hands tremble because I fear death like everyone else but slowly growing mad and being corrupted by my body...was a fate worse than death.

"..."

I closed my eyes as soon as I drove my sword to my heart as quickly as I could. The wound is rather warm and sizzling. Warmth embraces me for the next few seconds after my knees collapse to the ground, choking in my own blood and erratically breathing. My health is drastically dropping after I turned off all my passives and removed my equipment. Since I have a large amount of health due to my class and level, I'm still suffocating with blood on my lungs and burning inside out for a whole minute.

"I hope no one finds my body..."

After what felt like an eternity of slow and agonizing death, I lost sensation to all my limbs and I felt my breathing drastically slowing down. My eyelids are slowly shutting down and my body feels numb that my fading thoughts wish to fall asleep.

[You shitty brat. You're only allowed to die when I dictate it]

A voice clicked her tongue and growled at me in utter disappointment. I heard a snap of the fingers echo in the vast darkness in my mind.

"...!"

Right before I knew it, I gasped for air as warmth returned to my body and my heart beat once more. I feel connected to my limbs and to the rest of my body. It was if I had never died because my body felt no stiffness and my faint whispers are straight words.

"Who the hell resurrected me?"

The sword I used to kill myself is right beside me with blood on its blade and splatter from what seemed to be forcibly removing it from my body earlier. It was clear the sword struck my chest earlier, but I didn't remember pulling it out. I touched my chest and there was no sign of the wound. In fact, my armor was on my body again, but I could breathe freely.

"Maybe a World Item might have done the trick instead..."

Since suicide wasn't possible since a sword to the heart was absolutely useless, I sigh in defeat and lift the bloodied sword off the ground. I limp my way out of the cave, pondering about resorting to using World Items since they could defy even the strongest spells and immunities.

"Hmm?"

I left the darkness and wondered if I could have another player kill me instead, I lift my head and notice thick black smoke rising up high in the sky. From my current distance, it would be at least twenty minutes if I run...because my speed and agility are below average.

"Fuck..."

Rather than wallow about further attempts of suicide or seal myself forever, I lift my hand and used Gate to close the distance based on my estimation.

"I knew it"

I stretch out my wings and survey from the sky since my running speed was terrible. There was a village being burned by knights. They wore the same armor of the ones I cleaved in half yesterday. It seemed they just started not too long ago.

"..."

I felt conflicted again. Women and children were screaming and desperately calling out for a nonexistent savior. My current self wished to help them since the knights laughing made my temper boil while another part of me made me smile as one soldier cut down one child.

Helping those in need is common sense!

Touch-san's words come to mind again. It jolted my body awake and I shook my head to remove the smile on my lips.

"Fuck it!"

It seemed the human side of me remained strong as I immediately decided to dive and help the villagers before everything burned to the ground.

"What the-"

I drew a spear and crashed the ground, splitting his skull open and crushing the rest of his body from the impact and shockwave alone. His blood sprayed and splattered all over my face and a part of his intestines slapped my horns as it flew away. Some of his blood got in my mouth, but I spat it out before I got excited and indiscriminately slaughtered everyone again.

"A demon! It's a fucking demon!"

One of the soldiers screamed while he swayed his sword to rally his comrades.

"Create Water!"

I turned around for a moment and used a spell that unleashed a mild rain enough to drench most of the burning houses and debris.

"Huh?"

I was distracted for a few seconds when a soldier screamed incoherently and swung his sword to my neck. Unfortunately for him, the sword snapped in half and the half the broke off flee to the side from the sudden force.

"You were having fun stabbing children. Now you're scared of a fucking demon. Spineless piece of shit - you make me sick!"

So far, I have only killed soldier, knights, and other combatants. I avoided hurting civilians. Perhaps it was because it had only been more than a week since arriving here that I have yet to torture civilians. My prisoners and test subjects were either mercenaries or soldiers like these. Margaret and Nellian kept telling me not to touch civilians, and so I agreed without telling my people.

"Stay away!"

As he turned his back on me, I drove my spear to his chest. His armor was so fragile like eggshell that it mostly cracked and shattered as soon as the sharp tip reached him.

"Aaaaaah!

I was extremely frustrated at myself rather than the sadistic knights. I lost my human shape and became a demon with obviously negative karma. My actions stirred to sadism that I had to regularly restrain. As an adult, I know if I indulge myself, I would get addicted to it to the point I could never live without it and would always seek it.

"Aaarrgh!"

I kept stabbing them and swinging with little restraint that a sweep is enough to split four of them at once. They were only a means to vent out my frustrations and anxiety. It angered me when I saw a man tightly clinging the corpse of his molested lover and a mother embracing the head of her child. Then it was for two reasons after all...

"Haa...Haa..."

After a few minutes, I cleared over the knights. It would have taken less time if I didn't spend a whole minute punching through a mashed skull. I hated all of them badly because it felt like I would stoop low their level of sadism sooner or larer.

I was more afraid than angry...

I imagined myself using maidens as sex slaves and smiling as I repeatedly healed someone begging for death. It scared me that I would get addicted to hedonism until it would become a natural part of me. My daughters would never recognize me anymore and I might hurt them too.

"Y-you...saved us..."

I stopped punching and let blood drip from the gaps of my my gauntlets. Fragments of his skull and bits of his brain matter got stuck to the gaps in the gauntlet's fingers. I would have slimes swallow my equipment again and digest any organic matter. An old man with a bleeding forehead took a steps towards me. His wrinkled hands point at me covered with drying blood.

"Why are you standing when you can see a demon? What the fuck is wrong with you people?"

I blink several times, genuinely shocked that humans didn't immediately tried to defend against me or ran before I even finished turning those knights into mush or salad or their own flesh.

"I hate those knights. What about it?" I clicked my tongue
"You doused the fire and killed those knights. Why?"
"Are you seriously going to make me repeat myself?!"

I still felt annoyed at myself. Not to long ago, I sought to end my misery and fell into despair when I somehow got resurrected. I didn't bring any resurrection items with me yet I still stood back up as if nothing happened.

"I may be a demon but I won't hurt you...I think. I really don't know right now but none of you are going to die right now"

Twin boys clung to their older sister when I shouted at the old man who flinched in shock. My stupid human self had a soft spot for children, so I took a few deep breaths and tried to speak calmly.

"If you still have strength, go gather corpses and tend to your wounds or something. I don't really care since I killed these fucking knights already" I halfheartedly swipe my hand
"Your name. What's your name?" A middle-aged man swallows his breath
"Why do you want to know?"
"Y-y-you saved us. Even if you don't care about us, we want to at least remember how a demon saved us"

Ah, that's right. To humans, demons are evil by default which wasn't really a surprise. Fellow humans tormented them yet it was a demon who came to their aid. It was unexpected that I hoped they wouldn't remember it for a long time.

"Shui Ui Shirogane. Shirogane is enough" I sigh

Somehow, my sigh is more relieved than annoyed. There were corpses, but it appeared many of them survived. I managed to stop the fire before they lost their homes entirely and it might take a week or two before they can partially recover.

(What's this feeling?)

This was the first time I actually saved innocent humans, and it was unusual that my mind felt slightly calm right now. There was no craving urging me to hurt them - just a warmth in my chest when there were still several survivors. I actually thought as long as they could live normally again, it was enough even if I couldn't save everyone.

"Why did those humans attack you? The so-called Gods treated humans well and hunted the likes of me" I nearly forgot to ask
"We once welcomed an injured werewolf who guided a child out of the woods. He fled the village to get their attention, but they still killed him. We were viewed as traitors, so they wanted to execute us as well" The old man sobbed

No wonder they didn't run away as soon as I turned my attention to them. Another race showed kindness to them, but my kindness was rather selfish.

"Thank you. My son is alive today because of you-"

Before the old man lowers on his knees to show his complete gratitude, I immediately walk to him to grab both of his shoulders and keep him standing.

"Dispose the corpses and your Gods might not notice"
"Where do you plan to go? Demons like you are being hunted!" One young man raised his voice
"I'm not homeless, but I'm not planning on going home yet. Some things put me in a bad mood today, so I'm going to take out my frustrations somewhere else"

Right now, I feel less angry...but I now feel confused and lost more than ever. I don't have any thoughts of ending myself which is either good or bad for my mental and emotional health. It puzzled me why seeing these people shed tears out of relief that they survived made me feel at ease and my lips curve a smile.

(That time...)

I did save a few players from PKers in the game and every time I did that, I felt a tingle of pride and relief because it kept reminding me how Touch-san once saved me too. It drove me to further improve myself, so I could repay his kindness. When I saved these people, I had a similar feeling.

(I feel happy helping those in need, huh...)

I couldn't deny how I was also glad that I managed to help villagers no one would care about in the long run. They'd probably forget about me in a year or so once they fully recovered, but Touch-san taught me not to seek reward. Saving them also calmed me a bit and made me focus on my human thoughts.

(Before I lose myself entirely, I mustn't forget his kindness. I know I'd change, but before I lose myself in addiction and madness...)

I got far in the game and his encouragement gave me a sense of purpose, so I felt indebted to him more than anyone. In order to repay him, I mustn't turn back to my own vow even if this "addiction to pleasure" haunted me.. I would save others the same he saved me even as my demon body is changing me and devouring my sense of self bit by bit.

Once I lose myself and turn back on my promise, I hope my children will be the ones to kill me...