With Despicable Me 4 on its way in three weeks and me re-watching the films and being too invested in series that build up and surprise people, I felt like rewriting some canon things.
When my parents and I first watched the first Minions film, we thought it was a fun, goofy, nostalgic era film and Despicable Me wouldn't be dragged on for too long but we were wrong. However, after rewatching and thinking about the negative reviews, it seemed like the thing could have been done differently. Also, I saw someone's theory of the Minions prequels being Minion-made fanfictions that never happened as the first Despicable Me film showed a blink-and-miss blueprint for creating Minions in one scene, yet some of the characters were interesting and had potential to be brought back in a future installment, even though that's not Universal's execs' intentions.
And honestly, I'm no longer invested in Illumination's canon due to lack of realism just for the sake of being a kids' movie. I'm sorry but that along with the lack of realistic dialogue and the Scooby-Doo! Mystery Incorporated serial format made me want to redo some things. We all love a "royalty rewards the heroes" ending, but here is a more semi-realistic ending. I do not own the characters used.
The Minions cheered at their giant leader saving them. Of course, their celebration was short-lived as they freaked out upon seeing something behind them. As Kevin set the saliva-drenched Stuart down, he turned to see a furious Scarlet rocket overhead with its dress opening up to its stage.
She shouted out, "Enough! This...ends...NOOOOOOOWWW!"
With that, her dress expanded, and its nuclear core is revealed dead center of the dress, aiming it directly at the diminutive yellow army. She zipped up into the air, and launched a missile directly at the Minions. Before it could strike them, Kevin grabbed the missile and struggled to hold it back with all his might. Seeing no other alternative, he then swallowed the missile whole, to the minion tribe's horror.
"Kevin!" Bob cried in horror.
"You imbecile! Have fun exploding!" laughed Scarlett tauntingly before she swooped down and scooped up Herb.
"Baby! Whoa, what's the rush?" Herb asked his wife.
"Got to get out of here!"
But before the two could make their escape, a giant black gloved hand grabbed the rocket, stopping their escape. Kevin held the two back while holding his mouth closed (as the missile beeped from within his mouth) but Scarlet tried to pry herself loose.
The female supervillain ordered her ex-minion, trying to pry herself loose, "Let us go!"
She tried to pull away from Kevin but he kept a hold of the rocket. The two then rocketed high over London, taking Kevin with them. The beeping from Kevin's mouth increased speed, meaning the bomb was about to go off.
Scarlett cried, "No, no, no, no!" She activated her dress to protect herself and Herb from the explosion, though it may be futile as it didn't cover all the way. The minion crowd below winced as Kevin and the Overkills increased velocity, and-
BOOOOOOOOMMMM!
The Minions saw the resulting explosion up in the sky and were in horror. Neither Kevin nor the Overkills had remained.
"K-K-K-KEVIN!" cried Bob in horror and sadness. He then broke down sobbing as the other minions held their bowler hats and solemnly hummed 'Taps' in honor of their fallen leader. Poochy, their brief pet rat, appeared on the scene as Stuart handed the rodent over to his cohort.
"Te, le poochy" said Stuart kindly. Bob hugged the rodent and was happy for a brief moment before he immediately resumed crying.
"Kevin la tota..." sobbed Bob, for not even the presence of his rodent pet would not make up for the loss of Kevin. Stuart then began to comfort Bob as he joined in on the humming.
The tribe wandered the streets of London in sadness, unknowing what to do now without their leader.
"Yes, the Minions were yet again without a boss, and even sadder, they were without their leader. It seemed that life would just never go their way, and it doesn't seem that this day could not get any worse for them."
"Oi! There are those little yellow wankers now!" shouted a voice, and in no time at all, the minions found themselves surrounded by the whole London police department.
"Well it seems I was wrong."
The minions found themselves in the royal court room, about to be judged by Queen Victoria, who had her clown reclaimed and returned to her. On her throne, she proclaimed to the yellow invaders, "Dear little...Minions, is that what you're called?"
"Si, pak's what pem nama colcub," Bob replied.
The monarch continued, "First of all, we offer our condolences for the loss of your comrade Kevin. I'm sure he will be missed. He was a true hero, sacrificing himself for his honorable pack and the citizens of England. He rid the nation of what could have been a terrible dictator, and perhaps, on his behalf, such a heroic action would be deserving of extraordinary rewards..."
As she said that, a couple servants held out a snowglobe of Big Ben, an electric guitar, a tiny crown for Bob's bear Tim, and a sword. The last item probably represented the honor of knighthood.
"Ahhhh," the awestruck minions clamored.
"Oh or to la mucha, tu majesty!" Stuart exclaimed, happy to receive these, at least until the queen gave a frown saying, "Or at least it would have been if not for the fact that this madness was your fault to begin with. And you may have eliminated the Overkills but you are still charged with aiding and abetting them. I'm afraid you must face a very severe penalty."
The minions trembled with fear. "Le death?" the quivering Bob asked.
"Oh, I'm afraid it's far worse..."
Next thing you know, the minions were on a barge bound for America.
"That's right: deportation. It seems they were destined to be failures. Like I said, life would just never go their way."
The minions all sat solemnly, with Bob holding his bear close to himself. They're still without a boss, they lost their friend, and now they're expelled from England. When will they ever get a break? Then suddenly they heard singing.
Familiar-sounding Voice: Po tadda boo fellows ben stikla ta bluma
Via ho, gun ta ka koop
The tribe headed all the way up to where the driver was and to their surprise, it was a certain leader of theirs, alive and well, normal-sized once again, and in sea captain attire, steering the ship.
Kevin: Yee pray key allboa yee bebada da me
"KEVIN!" The minions cheered as they rushed over to hug-ambush him and he hugged Bob and Stuart back.
"Yes, Kevin had miraculously survived, and now the whole family was together again!"
In a nearby locker, a tied up and gagged captain was watching the reunion and couldn't help but sob a little.
Back with our attention on the Minions, Kevin calmed his tribe down to get their attention and spoke with his voice drowned out by the narrator.
"They may have been deported to America, but there were perks for this turn of events. For Kevin had received an article in an American newspaper presenting them an opportunity."
He got out the paper and showed a "Henchman Wanted" ad with a young, rotund, black-haired boy with a pointy nose and black clothing.
"A young, new rising supervillain was giving out applications in America, and he appeared to be more promising than their previous masters."
The minions looked at the picture of the pointy-nosed boy. This new villain may be a child but he seemed to have potential.
"So, on they went to America to find their new potential master, whom one day, with their help, will become despicable."
Yes, if Illumination actually anticipated a possible extended Despicable Me universe that would carry for years, I think this would have been the way to do it to save the best for later installments. I mean, the big London battle and explosion were spectacle enough, even though young Gru's entrance was nicely-handled.
Also, while those who liked happy endings and the minions liked the queen and England's citizens praising them for saving the day as a typical hero movie ending, you have to admit that them getting off scot-free for stealing the crown and aiding supervillains doesn't sound very believable. I think there's a reason Disney had to give a more realistic and bittersweet ending for Monsters University by having Mike and Sulley expelled but still end up working for Monsters Inc.
Also, while Scarlet and Herb survived, I thought only Kevin would be shown to have survived (though the reveal to be executed differently) to build suspense in this sense for a possible future installment where the Overkills are revealed to be alive as well, and Scarlet being horribly scarred and more insane than before, and Herb reappearing in an unexpected way. I mean, this is basically a "How Minions Should Have Ended".
By the way, the shanty Kevin was singing was "Blow the Man Down" in Minionese.
As usual, read, review, and suggest.