"Life as a Dyad"
By EsmeAmelia
Chapter 22
Ben took the job.
He didn't want to take the job, but he also recognized that with "Supreme Leader of the First Order" in his work history and "twenty-year prison sentence for murder and war crimes" explaining the large gap in his work history, his resume wasn't exactly promising. Besides, as General Dameron said, this would be temporary, just a first step towards getting his life on track.
So a week later, wearing a dressy blue jacket over a clean white shirt, an ID badge pinned to his shoulder, Ben showed up for work, staring at his feet for as much of the walk to the library as possible for fear that being here again would trigger a panic attack. He'd already had to hold his breath in the police speeder that escorted him here.
At least the generals were right about the library being nowhere near the cells, meaning he didn't have to go back to that part of the prison.
The work itself wouldn't be complicated – it mainly involved shelving the books and holobooks into their proper places and manning the front desk when it would be required of him – and there would always be at least one other person working at the library with him. The library was also small – a few shelves by one wall and a few shelves by the opposite wall with some tables and chairs in between – meaning that anything that happened here would be seen by the others in the room.
This will be fine, Ben kept repeating to himself as he got to work shelving books. This will be fine.
Yet he couldn't stop himself from having a bad feeling about this.
. . .
Small groups of prisoners who had library privilege were periodically led into the library by guards, allowed to stay for around half an hour, then led out with checked out books in hand. Ben did his best to stay away from the prisoners, be an anonymous figure shelving books in the background, but then he was asked to man the front desk, which meant interacting with the people who were his fellow prisoners not long ago.
This will be fine, this will be fine.
"Well well well, if it isn't Ben Solo."
Ben's stomach churned a bit. It was Neven Daru, who'd often sat with Ben during meals in the prison cafeteria. He had library privilege even though like Ben, he too had murdered his own father?
"You working here now?" Neven asked.
"Yes," said Ben, "but hopefully not for long."
"How's the family?" Neven asked as he handed Ben the book he was checking out.
"Okay," said Ben. "Well, Ben's fine, at least. I . . . haven't talked to Gavin much lately." In fact, aside from a few holocom conversations, he hadn't seen Gavin at all since they returned from the honeymoon. Gavin claimed he was busy with work, but he couldn't shake the feeling that his son was avoiding him.
Neven, meanwhile, cocked his head and pursed his lips, causing Ben to realize what had happened.
"Augh, memory lapse again!" he exclaimed, clasping his head. "Rey, Rey, my wife is Rey and I'm Ben."
"Hey, don't worry," said Neven. "I probably wouldn't have noticed if I didn't already know you and didn't know about this weird condition you and your wife have."
"Weird condition," said Ben. "That's one way of putting it."
"So, having difficulties with your kid? It happens."
"Yeah," Ben mumbled as he scanned Neven's book. "It happens."
But it was different when the kid's father was a convicted murderer.
. . .
"Do you think Rey's all right?"
Rose looked up from the speeder they were both working on, a knowing smile on her face. "Yes," she said, "I think you're perfectly fine, despite how you just forgot who you are."
Rey's lips pursed, her head lowering and a groan emitting from her mouth. "Right, right, I'm Rey. Even after twenty years, these memory lapses are really annoying."
"I know," said Rose, patting Rey on the back. "And Ben will be fine, you'll see. They know him there."
"That's exactly why I'm nervous," said Rey. "They know who he is, who he was. He can't hide there." She took a deep breath. "I think I'm gonna close the shop early today so I can be there when he gets home. After we finish this speeder, you can tell the others they can go home."
Rose nodded, her hand running up and down Rey's back. "I understand – well, okay, I don't know what it's like to have a spouse in prison for twenty years or to be in a Force dyad with my spouse, but if it were Jannah I'd be worried too."
Rey forced a smile at her, though an invisible fist clenched her stomach. Rose and Jannah, Finn and Poe, all these years she'd watched her friends in normal marriages where they could live together while she had to settle for visiting her husband in prison and seeing him when the Force linked them. She didn't want to be jealous, she tried her damnedest not to be jealous . . .
Was it wrong to be jealous?
. . .
Ben released a long exhale after clocking out, as if a corset had been squeezing his lungs all day. He'd done it. He'd gotten through his first day of work without any breakdowns and with only one brief memory lapse. As he made his way down the hall to the refresher, he allowed himself a moment to consider that this might not be so bad after all.
But as he was washing his hands, a figure showed up behind him in the mirror, a big burly man around Ben's age, wearing the dark blue uniform of a prison guard.
"So it's true," he said. "Kylo Ren is working here now."
Ben's chest started tightening. Stay calm. Don't break down. "I don't go by that name anymore," he mumbled.
"Yes, I know," said the guard. "I remember how you were officially Ben Solo in the prisoner roster, as if going back to your original name erases everything."
Ben looked down at his hands under the running water, willing the guard to leave.
"You know," the guard continued, "there are a lotta people here who did a lot less than you did and yet they got much harsher sentences. Thirty years, forty years, life, but you just got twenty. Why is that?"
Ben swallowed as he turned off the water, his hand already shaking as he did so. Don't break down, don't break down.
"Oh right," said the guard, and though Ben was still looking down, he could imagine the smug grin on his face. "You got some generals on your side. Go double agent on the First Order and help save some kids and bam, the mass murderer's suddenly worthy of a lighter sentence."
Ben dried his trembling hands, making an effort to not look at the guard.
"But that seems pretty unfair, doesn't it?" Now there was genuine anger flowing from the guard. "After all, most of the folks here didn't have an in with the First Order or connections to Resistance generals. They had to make it all on their own, so they didn't get any mercy when they were sentenced. But Kylo Ren, not only is he walking free now, but he's even got a job here!"
"What do you want?" Ben muttered through his teeth. Don't break down, don't break down, DON'T BREAK DOWN!
Now the guard was so close behind him that Ben could feel his breath on the back of his head. "Justice," the guard hissed.
If Ben weren't concentrating so hard on not breaking down, he might have sensed what the guard was going to do, but as it was, his mind was too diverted for him to see it coming.
The guard swung a punch at his cheek, knocking him to the floor.
"Justice," the guard repeated, kicking Ben in the side, sending a sharp pain stabbing up his body. "If it were up to me, you'd have been executed years ago, no matter how many generals you had wrapped around your finger or how many Jedi you brainwashed into marrying you!"
Brainwashed. That word. The attacker had said he'd brainwashed his son and now the guard was saying he'd brainwashed his wife.
Was that what people thought? That his family only stayed with him because he'd drained them of their free will, that nothing was real, that they didn't actually love him because no one could love him?
His breath shortened, his heart pounded, his body shook with uneven spasms. As he stared up at the guard, rage shot through him – a nearly tangible, living rage too large to be contained by his body, escaping all reason, all attempts to tamper it down.
Ben raised his hand and the rage found its outlet in the Force, slamming the guard against the opposite wall.
For a moment there was a blankness in Ben's mind as he stared ahead at the guard's crumpled formed.
Then the guard cried out in pain, slamming Ben with a realization of what he'd just done.
"YOU BASTARD!" the guard screamed. "YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"
Some part of Ben wanted to apologize, ask if the guard was all right, do anything to fix what he'd done.
But instead, he scrambled to his feet and rushed out of the room, desperate to get to his ride home before the guard could tell anyone what had happened.