CHAPTER 15 - Being Sick Is The Only Time You're Doted On
Hijikata's heart thundered in his ears.
The mazelike corridors of the sinking Imperial Ship felt endless as he ran through them, his lungs burning up and the bones in his legs creaking under stress. Still, he pushed his body forward, even when it felt like he would fall. Even when it felt like he would die. The sight of fire bursting out of the ship's hull still burned on his retina and he couldn't remove the image out of his eyes, no matter how many times he rubbed at them until it felt like he would shed tears of blood.
Where are you.
He barely heard Tatsuma's footsteps running along with his, spattering through pools of blood. As they got closer to what Katsura described as the center of the ship where they held Gintoki, the putrid stench of blood only got heavier and Hijikata prayed that not a drop of it belonged to Gintoki. Corpses were strewn about the metallic hallways like sliced up ragdolls and Hijikata absentmindedly realized that none of them wore the First Celestial Order's uniform.
Another tremor rocked the ship, almost knocking both Hijikata and Tatsuma off their feet. It was much closer than all of those before, in fact coming right from the direction they were headed in. Yet as Hijikata felt blood drain from his face, his pace speeding to an almost impossible level, he knew that something was different; it was not an explosion of raging fire that they'd seen before.
Please, please, please, please be alright.
As he rounded the corner, his lungs burning a hole in his chest, Hijikata stopped to fully take in the scene of chaos in front of him. His eyes passed over the bodies piled on top of each other, more so than the number of them they'd already passed on the arduous way here, with broken swords and guns thrown about the hallway having lost their masters. Hijikata felt the blood permeating the air cling to his skin as if it was never going to leave his body again. His gaze rose upwards, trying to comprehend the number of people that lost their lives to cruel, inhuman strength. He spotted thick, gigantic roots slowly but surely inching forward like tentacles of an eldritch behemoth, spilling forth from a destroyed gate that Hijikata, with a horrible, sinking feeling in his chest, connected to being the entrance to Gintoki's damnable prison cell.
Hijikata felt despair unlike any other clutch at his heart as useless tears starting to burn in his eyes. He felt Tatsuma join him by his side, but Hijikata couldn't make himself look at him. He wanted to sink to his knees and just die right there at that moment, to follow his beloved. To follow wherever Gintoki went.
With a creak of the twisting roots, one unfurled just enough to allow a glimpse of silver through its bark. Hijikata slowly blinked. Another wooden groan split the air and with it, the roots trembled and abated completely, snaking up the walls of the hallway, leaving behind a sight that took the breath out of Hijikata's lungs.
Gintoki was right there.
He started running before the thought completely formed in his mind.
Gintoki.
The whisper of his name in his mind spilled through his mouth and Gintoki turned, whirled around and Hijikata realized that if he ever again parted with those radiant eyes, that precious hair, that beautiful face and that blinding soul, he would surely lose his mind and heart. He couldn't stop a smile surfacing on his face as he got closer to Gintoki, and he overjoyed when Gintoki returned it.
However, he lost sight of those rubied eyes when a person behind Gintoki he hadn't even noticed before got a hold of his face, turning it around and… Kissing him. Ren was kissing him.
His steps faltered. Millions of thoughts flitted through his head, making it equally as empty of any. Did something change in this short time they were apart? Or was it tortuously long? What changed? When? How? And why does it matter when Gintoki was alive right in front of him, even if… Even if there was the slightest chance that his heart didn't belong to Hijikata any longer?
He desperately trampled on the intrusive thoughts but couldn't stop his arm reaching out for Gintoki, yanking at his arm and jerking him up to his feet away from Ren. He crashed his body into Gintoki's, pulling him into a hug that threatened to crush both their lungs. Hijikata pushed away all the confusing thoughts and feelings and focused on the warmth of Gintoki's body in his arms.
He shut his eyes tightly when he felt Gintoki embrace him back. "Hijikata…" Gintoki's breath brushed past his ear, making his skin tingle all over and he only squeezed harder, running his fingers through silky silvery locks of Gintoki's hair.
But before he could bask in the affection of his touch, the sound of numerous footsteps filled the hall behind them with angry shouts piercing the air. Hijikata didn't have to turn around to know that they were trapped between the Imperial forces and the titanic mass of knotted roots. He abhorred having to let go of Gintoki, but he pried his arms away and put himself between the oncoming soldiers and Gintoki.
He exchanged a glance with Tatsuma, his resigned expression mirroring his own. They parted ways with the others long ago. To hope they would come at that exact same time to help them, even with Kagura and Kamui's overwhelming Yato strength seemed foolish. What kind of deus-ex-machina would save them from this horde of Moon God-worshipping fanatics –
"Silvie, go!"
Hijikata thought he went crazy and started hearing things, which perhaps wouldn't be the most absurd part of this whole rescue mission, but then his body jerked forward as a torrent of wind blew past him. He felt Gintoki's arm on his shoulder as he helped steady him and he stared in horror at the sight of giant silver fish swooping from above onto the Imperials.
He almost pitied them.
"So that could have been me, huh?" Hijikata barely heard Gintoki murmur in relief behind him over the terrified shrieks echoing in the hallway.
"Never."
Ren's weakened voice made Hijikata look back in indignation at the spoken words. "What the hell is that!?"
"Ren's gift", Gintoki answered nonchalantly, probably seconds away from poking at his nose.
Hijikata felt the blood vessel on his forehead burst. He ignored Ren's overall miserable appearance and grabbed his collar. "You trapped him inside with those things!?"
"Hahaha, did you want him dead, Imperial Prince?" Tatsuma didn't sound amused whatsoever as he closed in on Ren as well. In fact, this was the only time Hijikata had heard him sound so furious.
"…You humans have quite a peculiar fondness of exotic pets."
Hijikata considered punching that haughty expression off Ren's face, and not just for the fact that he led Gintoki into danger. He didn't forget what he'd done just minutes before. But he held back, as hard as it was, because this was neither the time nor place for venting his anger.
"How about we leave the flora and fauna lessons for another time?" Gintoki sighed and rolled his eyes at the three of them huddled together. "Now's our chance, let's go!"
As if on cue, one more explosion rocked the entirety of the Imperial Ship, making them all stumble on their feet. Tatsuma yelled out something in his communicator, probably signaling to Kairinmaru that they'd found Gintoki. Hijikata rushed forward to pull Gintoki along with him, through the path in the disordered Imperial forces that opened up thanks to the silver fish. However, Gintoki looked back and stopped, yanking his arm out of Hijikata's grip and running back.
"Gintoki!"
His eyes followed Gintoki as he rushed to Ren's side. Ren fell behind, clutching his chest and slumped on his knees. Gintoki slung Ren's arm over his shoulders and struggled to pull him up. One glance pointed Tatsuma's way told Hijikata everything he needed to know; helping the Imperial Prince was the last thing they wanted to do, but letting Gintoki strain himself to help him was never going to be an option.
"Step back, Gintoki." After a light tap to his shoulder, Gintoki moved back and let Hijikata and Tatsuma take his place, hoisting the unsteady Imperial Prince over their shoulders. "You just make sure your pets don't eat us."
Gintoki huffed in indignation. "Then don't do anything that would get you eaten", he simply said and turned to safely cross through the gory skirmish.
Hijikata stifled a smile and followed after that brilliantly silver hair, the only constant in this reddening chaos, pulling Ren along with Tatsuma. He almost fell right on his face when he stumbled over something. It was an exquisite shard of a broken sword, its surface a dimming glow of silver and dusting over with particles moving like a galaxy over its metal. But before he could bend downwards to study it more, Hijikata was dragged forward and he put the lonely, fading shard out of his mind.
Soon after, they once again found themselves in the labyrinthine hallways. Hijikata realized with a pang of worry that in all his haste to get to the center of the ship, to get to Gintoki, he failed to guide them back the same way they came in and only chased after those lovable sterling white locks.
He cast a guilty glance toward Gintoki. "I think we should head back", he said, his voice straining with exertion of running while carrying an adult male. "There's a fork in the hallway one left and two turns back. We need to take the other – "
"What do you mean? I'm taking you to the loading bay, right?" Gintoki questioned as he looked back in confusion that was mired by something else.
"Yes, but - " Hijikata's voice trailed off when he noticed the strange look on Gintoki's face. Before he could ask, Gintoki turned back and continued running, his voice awfully quiet and almost inaudible under the sound of their footsteps when he spoke.
"Ren, what about… what about Rain? Is he…"
Hijikata didn't know who Rain was, but he didn't put it past Gintoki to befriend everyone on the Imperial Ship. Hell, he tamed those monstrous fish into helping them. Humanoids weren't that much of a surprise. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Ren smile softly at Gintoki's back.
"I have disabled the lock mechanism for him. He is alright."
It felt strange, seeing so many emotions flit through Ren's eyes and voice that were such a contrast to his usual coldness, as if he'd spent much longer than five days with Gintoki on the ship. And it was even stranger seeing, feeling relief wash over Gintoki's body as they fled the crumbling ship.
Once again, there was a piece of Gintoki's life that Hijikata would never be a part of.
But Hijikata had no time to wallow in his self-imposed pity. As the world crashed around them in deafening blasts, as the sight of their comrades and rescue pods appeared in the distance and as Hijikata's bones ground in rebellion at the exertion he was putting them in, he saw Gintoki falter, slightly so. And then he saw him stumble over his feet.
Gintoki wasn't conscious anymore to right himself.
Hijikata caught him before he collapsed to the ground.
"Haa, I'm telling you for the thousandth time, Hijikata-kun, I'm dandy."
Hijikata -kun was anything but convinced.
Kairinmaru was safely out of the Imperial Ship's reach, and considering it was nothing more than a lump of metal floating in space, it wasn't coming for them anytime soon. They had managed to rendezvous with Kagura and Shinpachi as they entered the loading bay, Tatsuma and Hijikata both respectively hauling Ren and Gintoki along, and Kamui and Sougo boarded their tiny escape ship just as the floor under their feet started to give out in red flashes of explosions. Not before almost knocking each other down trying to reach it.
"Hijikata-san, what's wrong with Gin-san!?"
Once inside the cramped interior of the ship, they all squeezed around Gintoki and Hijikata had to exert inhuman strength to not let them suffocate him to death. He gently placed Gintoki by the small round window and tried to suppress the useless shiver rocking his body when he felt how limp Gintoki's own body felt.
Tatsuma jumped on the controls and steered the ship away from the collapsing giant vessel. "Is he waking up!?"
Ren groggily sat up next to Tatsuma and glanced at Gintoki. "Gintoki…" For a split second, Hijikata imagined opening the doors of their escape ship and throwing the Imperial Prince out. He quickly squashed the malicious thought and fought to prevent the memory of Gintoki and Ren kissing from surfacing.
Kagura didn't say anything, her face pale and eyes wide. She winced when Tatsuma's maneuver around a floating ship debris yanked her forward right on Gintoki. She moved away as if the touch burned. "Gin-chan – "
"Oi, Hijikata-bastard", Sougo started, rage as well as indiscernible panic lacing his voice, "what did you do? Why isn't he waking up? Want me to put you to eternal rest?"
Kamui elbowed him in the ribs and struggled to take a look at Gintoki as he was the one furthest away while Sougo doubled over and clutched his waist. "Hmm, if you're not careful, you'll be the first one to rest eternally." Hijikata didn't miss the worried glance thrown Kagura's way nor the way his eyes glinted when they lingered on Gintoki.
Hijikata focused back on Gintoki, ignoring the chaotic mass behind him, and felt for Gintoki's pulse. It was strong and steady, beating against his fingers like wings of a butterfly. He brushed Gintoki's hair out of his face; his skin was clammy and his eyelashes trembled. Hijikata hoped it was only a bad dream and not because of pain…
And then it hit him.
Once before, Gintoki lay in a hospital bed, impossibly still and unconscious, while he stood outside powerlessly only to hear about Gintoki's night terrors. It was not physical pain that ever caused Gintoki torment; it was the intangible, unrelenting curse of loss and defeat that must've plagued his mind for a long time now. In that moment, Hijikata would've wanted nothing more than to take Gintoki far, far away and hold him forever tightly in his arms, if only to offer him a bit of respite. But he couldn't do that to Gintoki; he knew it was the furthest thing from what he would want.
So, he would stay strong for just a bit longer. And when that strength whittled away, when he couldn't take any more of Gintoki's suffering…
Hijikata barely pried his hand away from Gintoki's head. When he was finally able to suppress those thoughts, he whirled around and yelled out in irritation. "Why are you all here? Where are your escape ships?"
He was met with not a single guilty glance except Shinpachi's.
"Lost it."
"It blew up."
"Hahaha, my poor mini Kairinmarus…"
Hijikata could only sigh as his initial panic over seeing Gintoki fall settled down. Right. Gintoki was okay. Well, maybe not totally okay, but certainly safe. He was here, with them, even though he was not awake. But they only needed to get to Kairinmaru, and then everything would be okay. Right. One step at a time.
"How reckless do you have to be to lose your one way out of a destroyed spaceship?" He asked Kagura who switched her deadened expression to a nonchalant one as she started picking her nose.
"You mean my third way out, Toshi?"
At the sight of that familiar gesture Hijikata's own expression softened and he couldn't retain his harsh attitude. He also realized that Gintoki really messed with his head while messing with his heart, because there was simply no way he would ever find such a gross action endearing. "Just be careful in the future, Kagura."
They all stared in silence at him, stunned beyond words.
Sougo finally broke the quiet and his face scrunched in disgust. "What happened to you? Is your brain bleeding internally?"
Kagura and Shinpachi whispered in hushed tones between them, with Kagura letting out a haughty laugh and saying, "Look at him going all soft. Gin-chan will be thrilled when he wakes up. It's the boyfriend effect, I'm telling you – "
"Oi!"
Gintoki's curt voice woke him from his musings as he recalled the torturous trip back to the Kairinmaru.
"…You okay?"
Hijikata almost laughed. Gintoki sat in a bed, resting his back against the metal frame as he worriedly looked up at Hijikata standing right by his side. Color returned to his face and his eyes were clear, yet there were clear signs of exhaustion haunting his expression and in the heaviness of his limbs. And Gintoki was asking Hijikata if he was okay?
"Yes", Hijikata answered and gently traced his fingers over Gintoki's shoulder. He swallowed an uncomfortable lump in his throat and continued, "But according to Ren, you're anything but dandy, Gintoki. Your Altana illness… Ha." He turned to Ren who leaned against the wall of Gintoki's spacious bedroom, holding an arm against his midsection. "Isn't that right?"
Ren glanced at him; his emotions were guarded as if they had already all been spent on watching Gintoki suffer. Hijikata empathized with him against his will; he didn't want to feel any kind of camaraderie with the Imperial Prince. The mere thought of Ren taking Gintoki away from him in the courtroom ignited the very blood in his veins and if it were up to him, Ren would still be on his destroyed Imperial Ship and sinking with it. But he knew, he couldn't possibly ignore it, that in his own twisted way, Ren wanted Gintoki to be safe. And he knew how to keep him safe.
"He has to go to Tera."
All eyes fixated on Ren; Kagura, Shinpachi and Tatsuma all appeared as if their nerves were worn thin and Hijikata didn't need a mirror to see he probably looked the same. So much has happened in such a short amount of time; it felt like he was deceitfully staying in a hopeful dream where Gintoki was safe, tucked in bed right before him and Hijikata would wake up any minute now only to find him still missing, still out of reach, out of sight.
"He is in mortal danger", Ren started. His voice was a bit raspy, but from what Hijikata could see, he wasn't sporting any serious injuries. At least not those that required immediate treatment. "What you call Altana illness is a condition every Altana immortal faces once they leave their home planet. Being away from their birthplace makes them grow weaker and weaker, until eventually, all life force abandons their body and they…" He closed his eyes, as if the next words he would speak pained him. "And they perish."
Hijikata was certain all of their minds conjured up the image of a crow mask-wearing warrior. No, Gintoki's teacher and family.
An exasperated sigh pierced through the silence. "Do you mind not talking about me like I'm not here?" Gintoki grumbled. His expression softened when Sadaharu jumped on the bed, making it creak loudly under his weight, and settled at Gintoki's side, gently rubbing his nose into his arm as he whined. He smiled down at Sadaharu and tenderly pet his head, "I can always count on you, huh?"
Though he knew Gintoki meant his words to be comforting, they were anything but for Hijikata.
His head started spinning, his breaths short and shallow. Was this the reason Gintoki was getting worse all this time? What had started it? No, the burning question was how long they had. Was it months? Weeks? Days? Could they make it in time to Tera? Would they make it in time with the Emperor's forces perhaps in pursuit at the same time those thoughts formed in his head? He leaned against the frame of Gintoki's bed as his knees almost gave out. Gintoki was far from being well; the words confirming that rang in his mind like a final judgement.
"No."
The teary word rang out in the silence and Hijikata shook himself from the exhausting trance. He glanced at Kagura. Something inside him broke when he watched tears spill out of her eyes. In his eyes, she was a child; she was someone who was all alone and found a new family in Gintoki; she was with him the most and she probably knew him the best. If he felt like his whole world was crashing down, he couldn't imagine how it must've been like for Kagura.
He tried to gather the strength to console her.
"Hahaha! I agree with you there, Kagura." This time, Tatsuma's laugh sounded genuine and Hijikata felt his body relax against his will. "We have everything we need to get Gintoki to Tera; the best ship in the whole galaxy", Tatsuma proudly pet a nearby wall while holding back from puking, "and a guide that will lead us straight to Tera", he glanced at Ren, his smile still unwavering. "And Tera is just another word for Earth, right? There must be a reason they share a name, they're probably identical – "
"Tera is a barren place where nothing but one tree grows," Ren interjected indifferently.
"Hahahaha! Okay, the people there must be nice – "
"The satellite is abandoned."
Tatsuma laughed. "More space for us, then!" He sighed and ruffled Kagura's hair as she wiped her tears. "You'll make it work. You're the Yorozuya, right? Whatever happened, and whatever will happen, I've seen you stick through all of it. So, you'll be okay." He smiled as he heard Shinpachi sniffle and put a reassuring arm on his shoulder. "You'll all be okay."
Hijikata didn't miss a short, mirthful glance Gintoki pointed Tatsuma's way.
While Tatsuma wasn't consoling him directly, Hijikata had felt miles better than he had moments before. Tatsuma had managed to make Gintoki feel at ease and that made Hijikata feel that much grateful in return. And when Tatsuma put it that way, it all seemed… doable. After Gintoki got to Tera, all that mattered was that he got better. They could even treat it as a retreat to an exotic planet. He could ask Kondou to be transferred there. Since it was a lifeless, therefore lawless land, the Shinsengumi influence would be more than welcome.
While Hijikata's head started spinning with the abundance of brilliant ideas, the sound of footsteps in the hallway grew louder outside the room. As the doors swung open, Hijikata half-turned around and hurriedly raised the sheath of his sword, barely blocking a strike to his neck so sharp it echoed between the walls.
"Tch", he heard an indignant sigh.
It was soon followed by a light laugh. "You're slower than I remember, human."
Hijikata almost hoped Sougo finding another Yato to torment would give him some breathing room, but he wasn't so lucky.
Kamui and Sougo sauntered to the group as though they were walking through Edo, not a ship that just rescued Gintoki. Though Hijikata could see tiny cracks appear in Sougo's nonchalant mannerism. Sougo's eyes flitted over the group and an indiscernible relief rose in his eyes when they found what they were looking for. And while he didn't know Kamui as much, he certainly noticed the way his eyes lingered on Kagura, perhaps in brotherly worry over what she was going through.
"Gintoki?"
Hijikata's spine chilled when he heard Aya's voice ring in the hallway outside. They frenziedly rushed to the door and stood in its frame, panting as their whole body trembled. Aya's voice… It was steeped in emotion and Hijikata couldn't make heads or tails over what it was making him feel. He had never seen them look in so much disarray. Aya had always held themself in a calm manner, almost cold sometimes, and while Hijikata knew they were a warm person deep, deep down, the crazed look in their eyes he saw now reminded him of the night of the Imperial Ball. They stood over Gintoki with those exact same eyes, burning and chilling at the same time.
That look made him move in front of Gintoki. Something in his body was telling him he should never move from that spot again.
But Gintoki was different. He didn't possess, or rather refused to listen to that instinct that Hijikata was sure had to have been telling him the same thing. Gintoki leaned forward to glance past Hijikata and warmly greeted the person still frozen at the door. "Aya."
"Aya-san was the one who found you, Gin-san." Shinpachi smiled while wiping away a tear traitorously escaping his eye. "Without them…" His voice faded away as if suffocated by all the hypothetical situations that Hijikata had all too often played in his head.
Gintoki stared at Shinpachi as if debating something. Finally, he lifted the blankets and moved to stand up. There was not a single person in that room who didn't try to stop him. Yet Gintoki swatted away helping hands, ignoring protests, and pulled out an old-fashioned silver watch from his sleeve. He pressed it in the palm of Shinpachi's hand and proceeded to unceremoniously pull him into a bear hug.
Shinpachi stilled in shock as Gintoki gently patted his back. "There, there. Gin-san is right here. You've been very strong lately, huh?" He closed his eyes and rested his head on Shinpachi's. "Good job. I'm proud of you. But it's okay now. It's okay to let go and not be strong anymore."
The silence that followed was short. It was cut by deep sobs that sounded almost painful as Shinpachi's hands clung onto the yukata on Gintoki's back. They were soon joined by Sadaharu's whines as he jumped from the bed and right onto Gintoki's shoulders. Gintoki turned around, his face twisting in irritation to scold Sadaharu while trying not to topple Shinpachi over, when Kagura almost tackled him when she shot up from the bed right into his stomach.
"Gin-chaaan!" she wailed and wiped her snot all over his yukata. "You dummy… You're grounded for life, young man! You… ugh…" She loudly blew her nose into the now yukata-turned-handkerchief.
Gintoki paled as he looked down on her in horror and struggled under all of Yorozuya's weight.
"Oiiii! I was just bluffing when I got up! Let me get back to bed!" His eyes wildly searched the room, perhaps trying to get help, but this time no one interfered. His eyes narrowed in frustration when they met Hijikata's, but all that Hijikata offered him in return was a devilish smile. It had been so long since he saw this sight, so… He might as well let it play out longer. Gintoki huffed at his unwillingness to help, but it sounded a lot less like frustration and a lot more like he made peace with his situation. He glanced away from Hijikata and looked past him.
"Aya", Gintoki called out, his arms full of Shinpachi and Kagura's entangled limbs and bent over under Sadaharu's weight. "What are you standing there for?" His eyes sparkled as his lips curled into a grin. "You have to pay for leaving like that, you know? Come here", he freed one hand to wave Aya over, "and don't think about running away without an explanation again until your commission is over."
Aya awkwardly stepped forward, almost stumbling as their face filled with uncertainty. They stared at Gintoki as if he was the only person in the world and with such longing that once again, Hijikata had no clue on what to do and feel. It was as if there were two people occupying Aya's body, one making him shield Gintoki from them and another that made him utterly empathize with that look on their face. He stood in place and watched as Aya finally let go of some force restraining their body and rushed forward to hold onto Gintoki's outstretched hand. Gintoki gently pulled them in his already full embrace and patted their head when Aya buried their face in his shoulder.
Like two long-lost puzzle pieces fitting together.
Hijikata was happy for them. Truly.
"Where is my hug?"
Hijikata clasped his hand over his mouth before realizing that the question didn't come from him. His heart thundered in his chest when he whirled around and found Sougo smirking at him.
"You're so transparent I can see your mayo-filled insides, Hijikata-bastard", Sougo cackled. "Being possessive is unattractive. You keep it up and you'll be left behind."
Hijikata rolled his eyes. For once, Sougo's taunts did nothing for him. He was so spent that he just ignored the jabs and said, "How about giving them some privacy? And also", he leaned forward and whispered in his ear, "I'm not the possessive one here."
Sougo's eyes widened for a fraction of a second. And I'm the transparent one, Sougo. Before giving him time to retort, Hijikata pulled Sougo along and exited the room. While they had all been through enough worry and dread to last them a lifetime, Gintoki must've been through all of it that much more. And whatever Gintoki needed, as long as Hijikata was strong enough, he would make sure Gintoki got it.
Gintoki was not getting better.
As days passed on Kairinmaru and as the ship traveled in the direction of Tera on a course that Ren had laid out, Hijikata spent most of his time with Sadaharu tending to Gintoki in his room.
Hijikata couldn't really call it tending; he felt as useful as a button one pressed when they needed to cross the road, only it was broken and the light would never turn green. They would wait and wait until finally, their patience would run out and they would cross the road despite the danger of being hit. He felt like the button, unable to help and do its job and just watch people bring themselves in harm's way. The red light mockingly burned and the man inside morphed into ketchup, taunting him as he couldn't turn away and buy mayo because he was a button -
"Oi, Hijikata!"
Gintoki's voice snapped him out of the hallucination and brought him back to Gintoki's room and his seat next to the bed. He realized his eyes were open the entire time and they burned as they filled with tears. His hand tightened around Gintoki's fingers when he leaned forward to get his bearings straight. "Ugh… What a nightmare…"
"You've been awake for too long, Mayo Freak", Gintoki murmured and pulled his hand away. "You can't go on like this. Get some rest."
Hijikata frowned. "No, I don't need rest. I have all the energy in the world, don't I?" He took Gintoki's hand into his and held on tight as he waved them to show what he meant. "Doing this alleviates your symptoms. If you're not constantly in physical contact with someone, you… Ha", Hijikata sighed and wiped his face with his free hand, "good thing we had that energy transfer training, huh? Now you can do it completely consciously."
He remembered the days back at the Shinsengumi HQ when he had finally come to terms with his feelings for Gintoki. Where they had first kissed and it felt beautiful and he could almost see the ethereal glow that surrounded Gintoki at the time, time that felt so long ago. He thought the training they'd gone through would only help with Gintoki doing that with someone he himself chose. Not as some grotesque, ineffective medicine that kept Gintoki well enough not to faint.
They were running out of time, though.
Sometimes Gintoki was well enough to get out of bed and scour the entire Kairinmaru looking for anything containing a particle of strawberries. Other times, he slept an entire day without ever shifting in bed. Hijikata was always beside him, because when he wasn't, all he could see was Gintoki lying in bed and not waking up in time to see Tera loom on the space horizon.
"I do feel better when we hold hands like this", Gintoki said, staring down at their intertwined fingers. Hijikata's attention snapped to his words. "But that's only physically. You don't know what your eyes look like right now. They're haunted, Hijikata. And that pains me more than any sickness could."
Hijikata averted his eyes in shame, but a soft touch on his cheek made him look back at Gintoki. Gintoki slowly rose to his knees on the bed, cupping Hijikata's cheeks and staring down at him. His fingers caressed his skin lightly, as if they held precious porcelain between them. As Hijikata stared up at him, he felt the strain of the energy transfer from the past week fade away almost into nothingness. He sighed in satisfaction and leaned forward to rest his forehead on Gintoki's chest.
"Thank you."
"Hm." The murmur pleasantly vibrated in Gintoki's chest through Hijikata's skull. The fingers snaking their way up in his hair almost lulled him into sleep, but Hijikata fought against it. He didn't want to waste his time with Gintoki on something like rest. "You're a stubborn bastard, Hijikata-kun. I guess I'll have to do more than this?"
Suddenly, Hijikata's world turned upside down when Gintoki hauled him up on the bed. As his head spun, he felt a pleasing weight settle on his lower stomach. His eyes widened when he realized Gintoki placed himself on top of his body and stared down at him with such desire it made him dizzy again. The blue light streaming into the room from the glass panes behind Gintoki made his hair and skin glow ethereally as he traced his fingers along the hem of his yukata hugging his chest, teasing Hijikata with every stroke of his fingertips and shaky breath he took. The devilish glint in Gintoki's eyes let him know that Gintoki was proud he made Hijikata like this, made him grip the back of Gintoki's knees and push his body down into his as he waited for silent permission to do more.
Gintoki smirked down at him. "Well, I've got you lying down. It's a start."
The last thing on Hijikata's mind was sleep.
Gintoki's voice shot a bolt through his body, all the way down to his groin. His heart was beating at a punishing pace and there was not enough oxygen in the room as he stroked Gintoki's hard thighs in agonizingly slow touches, each time moving further up his legs. It was starting to become almost painful, yet the thrill of restraining himself and letting Gintoki lead made him shiver down to his toes.
"You missed me, huh?" Gintoki bent down to whisper in his ear; the movement made him grind against Hijikata as he pressed his body flush against his. A kiss to his neck made the ceiling disappear in a burst of stars. "You feel hot. How about taking your stuffy uniform off? As much as I like the look…" Another shift on top of him caused Hijikata to hold onto Gintoki's hips to still him and stop him from agitating him even more. Gintoki moved from his neck and breathed against his lips, "... I prefer the look without it."
You'll be the death of me.
Hijikata placed one hand on Gintoki's knee and another on the back of his neck. Before Gintoki had a chance to react, he pushed from the bed and swiftly flipped them over trying to be as gentle as possible, with Gintoki now being under him. Hijikata drank in the sight of his locks spilling in silvery shines over the bed, his messed up yukata all but opening up for him and the look in his ruby eyes changing from bewilderment to pleasure.
"I missed you? Ha", Hijikata said with weird irritation filling his voice as he yanked Gintoki closer with a pull on his hips. It was the understatement of the century. There were no words to describe how he felt, and yet they gushed out of him in tandem with his actions.
"Every time I glanced at my phone, I was expecting to see your name on it." He leaned over Gintoki's body between his legs with only layers of flimsy fabric separating them. He didn't know whether the heat was coming from his body or Gintoki's, but it was unbearable. "Every time I woke up, I saw your face beside me in bed." He slightly thrusted forward and buried his face in Gintoki's neck as Gintoki's hands smoothed over his back, taking in the warmth of his skin as Hijikata ghosted over it with his lips. It moved as Gintoki swallowed under the light pecks and this time Hijikata prided himself in making Gintoki come undone. "And each time Kairinmaru passed a moon, all I could see was you dancing under it." Hijikata barely said the words, struggling as he thrusted once more against Gintoki, this time harder, and a small groan escaped Gintoki's lips. "That night we almost kissed", he rasped and rested his forehead against Gintoki's, staring into his eyes, "and the night we did… They kept replaying in my head. Your eyes, your touch, your hair, your laugh, everything that's yours felt like it was ripped away from me when you were taken away. I'm not strong enough to let that happen again. I wouldn't survive it." He lifted his head when Gintoki's gaze softened and his fingers touched his cheek. "I love you, Gintoki. I love you."
Another hand latched onto his hair and pulled him down into a searing kiss that was nothing as gentle as that. "I love you, too", Gintoki said, panting and red all over his cheeks, neck, chest and shoulders, "I love you - "
It's not enough. Hijikata captured Gintoki's lips again, trying to enter him and claim the heat inside forever. He let go of restraint and bucked his hips, rocking Gintoki and making him pant as he followed his rhythm. Gintoki caught Hijikata's hands roaming his body mindlessly and held them, entwining their fingers and it made Hijikata's heart stutter in his chest. It will never be enough. They could lie here, entangled in the bed for a hundred years and it would not have been enough to make up for the time they were apart. But it was a start.
However, just as Gintoki managed to pull his jacket off his shoulders, Hijikata still bending down to not interrupt their kiss, a strange thought crawled up from the back of his mind. He knew he didn't want to remember it, let alone think about it, but when he separated from Gintoki and ended their kiss, he realized what was nagging him this whole time.
Ren.
He paused and his mood soured slightly when he thought of the last person he wanted to think about in this precious moment with Gintoki. He ignored the interloping vision of the two and threw the jacket on the floor, once again leaning down to meet Gintoki's lips.
"Hold on", Gintoki said and put a hand on his chest to stop him. Hijikata immediately paused. His arms on each side of Gintoki's head held him up as he stared down in confusion. Gintoki raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong?"
"That should be my question", Hijikata said before paling. "Wait, Gintoki, are you okay? Did this exhaust you?" Hijikata's heart started beating like crazy, this time in panic, as he searched Gintoki's face for any signs of discomfort.
Gintoki sighed and mumbled, "The plan was for you to be exhausted." He shook his head and continued, "Your face looks like you stepped in shit." Killing the mood, Gintoki! "And you're the one killing the mood. What is it? Spill it out. Is it my kissing technique?"
"What!? No, it's amazing - "
"I know." Gintoki murmured and tapped his chin. Hijikata couldn't even say anything because Gintoki was right. "Hmm. What else could it be? I can tell you you're amazing as well. It's actually scary how we're such a fit… Are you worried about your game or something? Aren't we too old to worry about things like this? Did Toshi make a reappearance or something…"
"No!" Hijikata sat back on his heels and raked a hand through his hair in frustration, the other one still blissfully resting on Gintoki's thigh. "It's… It's dumb. It isn't really worth discussing, honestly." And yet the picture of Gintoki and Ren kissing cemented itself on his eyelids. "Ugh…"
Gintoki stared at him in silence. The whirring of the ship and Gintoki's soft breathing permeated the air. They were passing a red giant star that colored the inside of the room and Gintoki's hair burned like fire. Like a red button that you just can't not push.
"You and Ren, are you…" Hijikata's voice weakly trailed off. It wasn't like him; if he spoke, he spoke with confidence and not as if a robot-lady-dentist was pulling words out of his mouth like teeth. Was he scared of Gintoki's answer? But whatever the case, he wanted and needed to hear it and like pulling off a plaster, it was better to get it over with quickly.
Gintoki frowned, his eyes redder than ever before, and propped himself on his elbows. It made Hijikata lose focus and his eyes roamed over the bend of his torso chiseled in muscles to his gorgeous face shining in the crimson starlight. Hell, he's always beautiful. "You're really bringing up Ren now? Why?"
Hijikata took a deep breath and crossed his arms, trying to shake off the sight of Gintoki's captivating presence. "He kissed you. Why is that?"
Gintoki's face morphed from confusion to disbelief. "What are you talking about? You're sleep deprived and - "
"That time Tatsuma and I found you. He kissed you. I saw it with my own eyes", Hijikata insisted; he was confused. Gintoki must've known both of them saw Ren doing it. They just arrived and were about to reunite when he kissed Gintoki. Hijikata knew he didn't try hiding it, so why…
"Oh!" Gintoki's face lit up with realization and he pushed himself up to meet Hijikata eye-level. "I forgot about that. Shit, that really did happen, huh?", he laughed and said nonchalantly, "I'll have to set some boundaries with him. I want my cool boyfriend to be the only one kissing me."
That strange and embarrassing phrasing sounded awfully familiar and he fiercely blushed and sputtered, "Wh-what are you - "
"Kagura and Shinpachi told me everything about how you rescued me, took care of me and protected me. I'm so lucky!" Gintoki gushed in a high-pitched voice and Hijikata forgot all about his previous concern about Ren, now completely replaced by this mortifying discomfort. "You also took care of them, Hijikata." Gintoki leaned forward and lightly kissed him, lingering for a moment longer before pulling back. "Thank you."
Hijikata followed Gintoki's lips and once again ended up on top of him, caging him with both arms. He bent down and murmured against his smiling lips, "Always." He mirrored Gintoki's light kiss from before and a bit more quietly said, "I'm your cool boyfriend, after all."
Gintoki's eyes widened in surprise and a moment later he started laughing so much that tears streamed down his cheeks. And of course, Hijikata feigned being offended and started mumbling out curses with his cheeks becoming more and more crimson, but underneath all that pretense his heart overjoyed at the sound bouncing around the room, one that he sorely missed and craved for every single day.
And as much as Hijikata wanted the moment to last forever, with Gintoki being happy and safe and with him, a light knock on the door interrupted their reprieve, followed by an impatient bark.
Hijikata looked up in time just to see a white wall of fur crash into his face.
Dying wasn't scary.
It wasn't even painful; as blades cut through his robes and into his flesh, Ren barely felt each cut as he slashed back in tenfold the force. He met the hateful gazes of his attackers and made them dim forever; the voices cursing his name were silenced and only rang hollowly in the metallic halls before the gates of Gintoki's abode. Right; Gintoki was behind those gates, and until Ren drew his last breath, he would make sure nothing and no one made it inside. Blood dripped down his arms and legs, some his and some not, and it felt so heavy on him, heavy to bear and heavy to fight under. But if he was dying today, he had to take as many of the Emperor's forces with him as he could.
He sent away his Celestial knights as soon as Canus's forces turned on them; to fight on the Imperial Planet against the Emperor's influence and Canus's reign rotting the Empire to the core. To find Gintoki and safely bring him to Tera. He sent them all away. He couldn't let them waste away fighting a losing battle, after all the time and effort he had spent in making them his superior forces. He couldn't let Rain perish by a blade of these blinded ingrates when he had a better cause he had to follow and fulfill. Right. He didn't want his endeavor to fizzle out merely because of his incompetence. Gintoki was too important to fall into the hands of the Emperor just because he failed.
As soon as his heartbeat stopped, Gintoki would escape and be safe on Tera. Ren was always prepared for this.
Now his strength was draining; his swings grew sluggish and his legs felt like he was dragging them through mud. He labored a breath and scrutinized his opponents; he was surrounded on all sides, wounded and wheezing through his punctured lung, yet they inched forward like they were facing a rabid wolf. What were they so afraid of? Death? Even in death, they would not be alone.
But he would be; he was always alone.
He was used to it.
But.
Why was Gintoki's face flitting through his mind when he was making peace with his demise, his sword carving an arc around him and felling his enemies? Why was his mouth burning as if he could still feel the strawberries from the time he had brought them for Gintoki to enjoy, all those months ago? Why could he hear the song from the night of Gintoki's performance, overpowering the clashes of blades or the pain-filled screams? Why did his heart clench with a different pain when he realized he would never again see Gintoki?
A sword ran through his abdomen. His death drew close. An enemy defeated; another took his place. Hopelessness shrouded his mind as he struggled to live for a few moments more, just to think of Gintoki a bit longer, to not say goodbye to the most precious moments of his exhausting life.
It was futile; he couldn't bear to leave Gintoki and flee the ship yet he couldn't risk opening the gates and letting Canus's forces in. If he wasn't so disappointed and weakened, he might've even laughed at the circumstances he placed himself in. Just when he'd realized that Gintoki was someone he could entrust his plans to and someone who was not to be merely protected but an ally, his actions that Gintoki had reprimanded before were slowly killing him.
A final enemy shrieked in terror and threw his sword at him. It made no difference; he deflected it and cut them down just as he did the rest of them, now piling around him in mismatched limbs and empty blades as if they would topple over at any moment and bury him into the grave of his own making.
Ren crumpled to his knees, panting for whatever air he could muster as his life seeped out of him and pooled around him in a crimson mirror. He looked down at his face, blurred by drops of blood falling from his forehead. He stared down into his eyes and saw an emotion in them he only felt from other's souls; one he hadn't felt since the time Canus had first attempted to assassinate him when he was a child.
Fear.
He wasn't afraid of death, was he? His sight blurred and he fell on his side. He didn't try to stop his bleeding. His time had come and passed and he could do nothing to change it. Yet he couldn't stop this fear from wracking through his body. He sighed in defeat and turned on his back, staring at the gilded doors depicting a magnificent tree growing on Gintoki's home planet, Tera.
He couldn't bring him there safely. He wouldn't see Gintoki get better and he wouldn't gift him anything else. He wouldn't do anything for him ever again.
Ren grew tired of the strange feelings gripping his body and mind, even in his last moments. It was all Gintoki's fault, he realized belatedly. Ever since he met him under that sakura tree on a tranquil mountain, his world turned upside down. The tree on the gilded gates suddenly moved, its branches swaying in the wind and the metallic hallway brightened into a cloudless sky. The air filled with the smell of grass and flowers and he felt his skin warm up in the sun. Ren lay still, waiting to hear that voice again coming from afar, waiting to see that blinding shade of silver appear among the lush trees and falling petals. He felt his fear ebb away like it never even existed.
"Wake up."
It was not a careless shout that broke his peaceful rest once before; if he had not heard the words clearly, Ren would have mistaken it for a cry for help. They were filled with sorrow and heavy, yet it didn't sound like it was meant for him to hear. He would have ignored it and continued waiting for Gintoki to appear were it not for the next word.
"Ren."
His eyes opened. And when they did, he did not see a god above him, nor a savior, nor a friend.
Ren drank in the sight of Gintoki, one he'd never seen before, like a clouding veil was pulled away and he saw him clearly for the first time. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Ren knew Gintoki's soul was magnificent, a shining diamond in a sea of pebbles, yet now it attracted him and threatened to burn him like he was a moth rushing towards a flame. Wherever he laid his eyes, his fingers wanted to follow and his throat strained to voice his wonder. But all he could muster was a weak call of Gintoki's name that didn't do any of it justice.
He still felt the heat of Gintoki's touch on his lips, and as seconds trickled by, it drove him insane. He did the only thing he could to rid himself of it.
He returned it.
"So, what do you want?"
If Ren had answered Hijikata honestly, he was sure he would not have appreciated his answer. Ren stifled a smile and twisted his words to stay truthful, but not reveal his true desire. "I want to know how Gintoki is faring. Since I have been indisposed in the medical ward, I have not had the chance to visit him. I see, however", Ren glanced past Hijikata's frown and into Gintoki's room where he wrestled with Sadaharu, his beloved canine pet, while the captain of this ship, Sakamoto Tatsuma, that begrudgingly led him here stood helplessly by his side. "Gintoki is preoccupied with other matters."
Hijikata slammed the door shut behind him. The sound resonated in the now quiet hallway, void of lively barks and annoyed yet endeared shouts.
"And he will be for the rest of the trip. Until we reach Tera. And then after that."
Ren focused on Hijikata's face as best he could in the dim lighting of the hallway. Even if he didn't glimpse into Hijikata's soul, he could feel waves of enmity roll off his body. Ren had taken Gintoki away and forced him to leave Earth for Tera; naturally, nothing else would be reserved for him but animosity. Ren had by now shared that same emotion for his senseless past actions; Gintoki's wishes had to be put first and foremost. Everything else he would do simply to help them come true. Yet as he probed a bit deeper, there was a hint of a different emotion, one that Hijikata battled with himself; Ren couldn't understand why it was there. Why was Hijikata jealous of him?
"Is this what you gain by the title of his… boyfriend, was it? Full control of his actions?" Ren couldn't help but poke at the emotion budding in Hijikata, curious to see whether it would burst or grow.
His prying was rewarded. Hijikata's face immediately morphed into shock and he stayed quiet for a moment as he collected his thoughts. Ren felt Hijikata's feelings calm. Like the surface of the lake stilling after a gust of wind making waves, the jealousy disappeared into nothingness. Hijikata was a commendable human; Ren had rarely felt this about people other than Gintoki, yet he admired Hijikata's straightforwardness and willingness to do what he believed was just. He was worthy of being… no, Gintoki had chosen his partner well.
"Don't worry", Hijikata's voice had gained a tint of mean glee as he smirked. "Gintoki is not the type of person who would let that happen. And, as his boyfriend, I would never think of doing something like that to him. Someone around him needs to respect his wishes." His expression straightened and his tone lowered like he was holding something back. Ren knew very well what it was; he didn't need to see his fist clenching by his side. "So, don't ever go around doing that to Gintoki again."
It was interesting. There was something peculiar about Hijikata that made Ren want to tease him. He wondered if Gintoki shared the same sentiment about his boyfriend, or rather, if everyone else around the man shared it. Actually, every person around Gintoki was in a way unique; their souls would light up when he was present, yet their actions showed none of it, even going so far as to contradict them; Hijikata's quiet affection and Kagura and Shinpachi's suppressed tenderness. What he could feel from the young men named Sougo and Kamui was certainly budding concern. And of course, the concealed feelings of this ship's captain, Sakamoto Tatsuma.
It was refreshing, in a way, to touch upon hidden emotions of others that did not harbor secret ploys and murderous ambition in their souls. All of it was hidden because if it were shown, like it was when Gintoki had woken up and reunited with his family, it would overflow endlessly like a dam broken and unable to stop. Ren had never thought that his Silver Sight, the one that made him a target of his peers' bullying or Canus's assassination plots, would be such a delightful thing to have. What he thought could only be understood by an infallible Moon God, a curse that was his divine punishment to bear, was merely a tool that came in handy when he dealt with Gintoki's… clan? House?
"I understand."
Hijikata frowned as if Ren had spoken in a different language. "You understand?" His voice was unsure and Ren could see his soul immediately calm, its prickly nature smoothing over. Ren almost chuckled to himself. It was his first time seeing such a thorny yet gentle soul.
"Yes. I understand Earthlings have a sacred bonding ritual. For me to be able to freely stay close to Gintoki and cherish him, I will ask for his hand in marriage."
His Silver Sight, as useful as it was, could not predict the future. Hijikata grew pale at his words and then immediately red, and the previously dulled thorns of his soul now stabbed daggers into Ren's body. Hijikata was obviously against his proposal and Ren calmly continued explaining, his eyes straining in an effort to ignore Hijikata's stinging soul.
"Of course, should he accept, I would not mind you continuing your relationship. I understand how much he - "
Hijikata gripped the hilt of his sword.
"Or were you meaning to propose to Gintoki first? I don't trifle with such things as hierarchy, even if I am of royal lineage. You would be a first husband, and then - "
A different red colored Hijikata's cheeks. His soul heated up at the mention of his proposal and Ren realized Hijikata had never planned on doing so. He probed a bit further and frowned at what he'd found. As the Imperial Capital closely followed Tera's path, Ren had never given a second thought to his future plans with Gintoki. But what about everyone on Earth?
"This is not how any of this works…" Hijikata sighed as his redness, both in his body and soul, abated. "People in love don't need to be married to be together. And marriage takes time. We've only been together for a short time. But if Gintoki wanted it, I would… Of course, I would…" His voice trailed off weakly as he stared off in a daze. Ren noticed that the tips of Hijikata's ears still burned bright red. He ran a hand through his hair in agitation. "Seriously, I have a hard enough time dealing with just Aya alone… What is up with you Amanto…"
Ren's amused mood vanished in an instant.
Aya.
The most contradictory persona he had ever had the displeasure of meeting. The first meeting that was filled with coiling hatred smothering the room Gintoki was practicing in for his Lunar Aria dance. It came as a shock that almost physically made him stumble, as he bathed in the bliss of being so close to Gintoki only moments prior. He first supposed Aya knew his true purpose on Earth and planned to expose him; yet they chose to stay silent, animosity boiling in their eyes and contempt rolling of their skin. It was nothing alien to Ren, however; such emotions were a part of his everyday duties to bear. What made his eyes throb uncomfortably was the unease he felt as he observed the two interacting before him. Gintoki was his usual, gracious self as his soul shone warmly and invitingly, but the emotions of his conversational partner were far from reciprocal.
An adverse fit?
Surely not.
Every time he would meet them, close by Gintoki's side, there was always an underlaying tension straining the air and he thought he was going to go mad if he didn't share it with someone. Someone he knew would never betray or hurt Gintoki.
"About Aya", Ren started carefully, gauging out Hijikata's reaction. "Be cautious. I believe they hide nefarious designs toward Gintoki. They hold emotion of such strength that it triumphs every thought I could otherwise glean out of them. It is unlike anything I have felt in my life. Imperials such as I possess an ability to do so", he explained and saw Hijikata's eyelids slightly tremble in recognition and understanding. "It would be wise for them to separate, until whatever Aya's ail be is solved."
"Try telling that to Gintoki", Hijikata sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly before laughing in defeat. "He'd never leave someone who needed him, even if it meant he'd get hurt."
"I am aware of Gintoki's loyalty and protectiveness towards this person, however – "
"They are not the only one."
Ren frowned. "What are you presuming?"
Hijikata paused for a moment and glared at him almost accusingly. "Sure, Gintoki has a worrying soft spot for Aya. He completely ignores the fact that he was almost attacked on your ship. By Aya. He just refuses to let go. Like he's possessed. But you're no different. He came back for you", he snickered mirthlessly. "When he could barely stand himself, he wanted to save you and still came back for you. Even after everything you did to him. So, don't act like you're some sort of saint. Aya is suspicious, but I'm grateful to them because they're the reason we even managed to track you down and save him. You? After you're done guiding us to Tera, I hope you'll think real hard about where your place is."
A spark of irk grew inside Ren's chest and it wasn't because he disagreed with Hijikata's words. It was actually quite the opposite. Yet he still wanted to be selfish. It was his lifelong dream, no, it was his lifelong purpose to find the Moon God and he just couldn't give up now. Not like this. Not when he had finally seen who his beloved Moon God truly was. The feelings bubbling inside his mind moments before his death arose once more.
As the regret shrouded his thoughts, Ren failed to notice the usually overpowering emotion roiling the air in the silent hallway and only noticed another presence joining them after he saw Hijikata glance over his shoulder in surprise. While Ren turned around to greet that golden gaze that held a perpetual flame of hatred, his mind cleared up and he decided there and then to expose whatever ploy Aya had devised.
Surely, there was one.
"Pardon my interruption", Aya spoke without a hint of apology in their voice. Their eyes bore into Ren's. "I could not help but overhear your conversation. Tell me, Imperial Prince, what makes you worthier than I to remain at Gintoki's side?"
Ren's body felt like being submerged in cold water; dulling, biting and choking at the same time. The last time he had felt that way was when he had realized Gintoki had been kidnapped by Ceras, by Ren's fault and carelessness. He refused to let anyone else make him feel that again. Even if it was someone precious to Gintoki.
"I have made my peace to respect whatever decision Gintoki makes in the end; if he wishes me to leave his side, I shall do so even if it causes me greater agony than anything else in this universe could. But you…" Ren struggled to keep his voice steady as he put into words what had aggravated him all this time. "You are not, are you? After everything I have done to keep the Emperor at bay for longer, you have managed to serve Gintoki right before her by making him perform instead of you. Because of an accident, correct? How conveniently had the events transpired. And even after my last ditch effort to block all recordings and information of his performance, the Emperor got wind of it still. She would not have believed rumors nor talks without definite proof. She would have had to lose her mind by then. But a space-wide broadcast of the Lunar Aria performance?" He scoffed. "That would have been more than enough."
He now towered over the other Amanto and Hijikata swiftly got between them, his eyes flickering from Aya's unflinching face to Ren's; he didn't know whether he could keep his face neutral like he usually did. He could see out of the corner of his eye that Hijikata's gaze was apprehensive and doubtful.
"How dare you."
Scorn laced Aya's voice as its sharpness cut through the silent hallway air.
"A mere Emperor's lapdog. Accusing me of bringing harm to Gintoki? How laughable." A hand suddenly snapped up and before Ren had a chance to react, it yanked at his collar with shocking strength, bringing him face to face with Aya's stony rage reflected in their widened eyes. "Did you not notice your own ability causing harm to Gintoki?"
Ren faltered. "What are you – "
Hijikata put a hand on Aya's shoulder. "Oi", he spoke calmly in warning, but Ren guessed he was anything but.
"Ha", Aya curtly released him and stepped back. "Because of Gintoki's nature, your ability resonates with him the most. It is not a one-way street; what you glean from others, emotions or thoughts, he is able to perceive from you. All he has done for you, all that he feels for you, is merely a malfunctioning product of your inability to control your Silver Sight. You are manipulating him by merely being in his presence."
Ren froze. When he would otherwise ponder just how someone outside his inner circle could possess such insight, a more terrifying thought pushed all others out of his mind.
He was hurting Gintoki.
It couldn't be true. He would die before he would hurt his Moon God. But it was too late; a seed of doubt started to spurt and grew the more he lingered on the appalling prospect. It was all a lie. And the liar was none other than himself.
Hijikata frowned at both Aya and him as his voice rose in accusation. "Wait, both of you, what are you talking about?" However, he was ignored by both Amanto.
As he could see a shadow of glee rise on Aya's face, it grounded Ren enough to spit back, completely forgoing years of his practice and discipline to distance himself from his irrational emotions. A final effort to expose whatever it was they were trying to hide. "Manipulation? You have not told Gintoki the complete truth, have you?"
This time, Aya's expression faltered in uncertainty.
"You are of Terian lineage, are you not? Therefore, you should be even more knowledgeable about Gintoki's disposition than any of us present. And yet you have kept it a secret. Why would that be?" Ren felt his voice drop as he gauged the other Amanto's reaction. "Might it have something to do with your brother?"
Aya breathed shakenly. "Stop."
"Where is your brother, truly? All records appear to have placed him on a planet outside the Empire's borders, but there is no such person there. He does not exist. That leads to the crucial question; where is he?"
"Enough."
Ren continued scathingly as the temperature in the hallway dropped, all the suspicions he held before now laid bare before the accused. "Is he on some secluded planet or satellite, living in hiding, in peace, hoping you will rid him of the terror that is the Emperor? Or is he still on Arean, still living in captivity, still fighting in the death matches in the Emperor's arena? Tortured beyond any doubt, used as an experimental subject for the Emperor's amusement… It would all make perfect sense. For him to live, for him to leave Arean and escape the Emperor's clutches, you have decided to sell out Gintoki. Gintoki in exchange for your brother."
An inhuman growl echoed in the hallway and Ren braced himself for impact.
"Shit", he heard Hijikata mumble as he gripped the hilt of his sword.
Ren expected Aya to strike; no emotion as intense as the hatred pressing on his lungs could be contained in a mortal vessel without exploding outwards. In pure strength, Ren would surely lose as he had experienced Aya's power moments ago, but he didn't stay alive despite the assassination attempts all these years relying on his physical strength. His eyes focused on Aya's twisted expression and all his muscles tensed up.
"Oi."
Ren tumbled to the floor.
Just as both he and Aya moved, a tremendous force descended on top of their heads and Ren saw Aya sprawled on the floor and clutching their head in a similar manner as he was. Even if it was not befitting of someone of his status, he waited until stars cleared out of his vision to feebly get on his feet.
"A ship this big and you decide to fight in front of my room?" Ren heard the cracking of knuckles and sheepishly looked at the source. "You must have a death wish, don't you?"
Ren struggled not to rub the top of his head as he stood in silence like a scolded child. Gintoki appeared furious and Ren knew it was not for the reason he stated; he stood between Aya and him, in front of Hijikata, and Ren belatedly realized it was in an act to protect Hijikata. He was ashamed that his emotions got the better of him and made him lose enough control to put his benefactor in danger. Gintoki's soul reflected his expression, yet there were more thoughts and emotions buried underneath, flickering into existence with each passing second. Disappointment was one of the few Ren was able to catch.
"Gintoki, are you well enough to stay out of bed?" Hijikata asked as if the tension between the Amanto wasn't any of his concern. He gently put a hand on Gintoki's shoulder and looked at him with such raw adoration it almost floored Ren yet again.
He wondered if what he felt for Gintoki now was closer to Hijikata's emotion than friendship and loyalty. It confused him and he decided to push the thought aside.
Gintoki whirled around and for a moment Ren feared Hijikata would bear the same treatment as him and Aya had. But Gintoki only put both hands on Hijikata's shoulders and turned him around towards the door to Gintoki's room. "Yeah, I could ask you the same question. But I know the answer. Go sleep."
The doors whooshed open and Gintoki pushed Hijikata inside. He protested and pushed back, but Gintoki cut him off. "Sadaharu, make sure he doesn't leave the bed. You can use this as a chew toy." Something soared through the air and Ren saw Hijikata's eyes go wide as Sadaharu ignored the object and inched closer to Hijikata.
"Gintoki, that's my sword – " Hijikata paled and his voice rose in pitch. "Wait, he's not even looking at the sword… Oi, oi, oi – " The doors closed on Hijikata's desperate face and Ren didn't need to see the rest to know his imminent future would be painful. Restful, perhaps, but painful nonetheless.
Gintoki turned around. His face was more subdued, but Ren knew that it was merely the surface of his being that seemed calm. His soul, blinding and majestic as always, now swirled with the intensity of a crashing wave, threatening to pull Ren under. He met Gintoki's gaze and he knew he would have to face those emotions.
"Let's talk."
Ren had never thought a few words could terrify him, and yet he felt like lead filled his legs as he moved to follow Gintoki. He faltered when Gintoki stopped, looking over his shoulder at Aya. His expression revealed nothing, but Ren felt his soul hum in contentment; there was not a sliver of doubt in his heart.
"You're next. Don't go disappearing again just because you don't like the company."
His tone was playful. Ren frowned when a thread of sadness colored his soul before disappearing as quickly as it appeared. Aya merely stayed silent, words refusing to leave their open mouth. They nodded as their eyes filled with the same sadness Gintoki had felt before, and for a moment, Ren could not feel a trace of hatred in their being.
Just immense sadness.
Ren was worried.
Never before had emotions influenced him so. He even stepped out of line before, throwing out accusations without any effort put forward to justify them. He only wanted Aya to feel the same way he did. Guilty.
He stared ahead at the back of the person responsible for the turmoil he was experiencing. And what a captivating person Gintoki was. He brought him back from the brink of death, occupied his every thought since the first time he had gazed upon Tera and still it was not enough. Still he fantasized about his place by Gintoki's side, staying there forever and ever in the bliss that was his silver soul.
Has being around Hijikata and Tatsuma influenced him? Or were these his own thoughts?
Ren suppressed a sigh as Gintoki stopped in a wide and open area, gazing out the glass panes into the vast expanse of space dotted with stars. Something weighed heavily on Gintoki's shoulders and Ren patiently waited for him to start.
"They're kinda cute, aren't they?"
That was the farthest thing Ren had expected to hear and he could only frown in confusion. Was Gintoki talking about Kagura and Shinpachi? Human (and apparently Yato) children were cute, as Ren had come to learn that Earthlings cared deeply about the younger members of their species. He did find Gintoki's companions endearing and admirable; he felt their adoration for Gintoki, even if Kagura's was mired by something that Ren did not completely delve into.
Gintoki turned around when Ren didn't know what to answer. He smiled and knocked on the glass, the sound covering the constant subtle whirring of the ship. "Look outside."
Ren joined Gintoki by the glass and peered into the lit-up space beyond. Silver scales filled his field of vision and his mouth almost fell open at the sight. Silverfish that Gintoki had gifted him now grew triple their size in the abode and like a pod of whales, they sailed through the space dust, their fins leaving a starry trail behind as they cut through it. Sometimes they would move swiftly and jumped like the whales on Earth breaching the surface. It baffled Ren; how the small fish that fit in Gintoki's palm now immensely trumped over them both.
"They've been following us for a long time."
Ren glanced at Gintoki and studied his face in silence. He looked somber, as if the thought didn't make him happy in the slightest. Maybe he didn't like them? Ren let go of that thought as soon as it formed; Gintoki found them cute, and cute things were liked.
Gintoki breathed in deeply and returned Ren's gaze. "It's time to say goodbye, don't you think?"
A smile bloomed on his face as he turned towards the silverfish gliding outside and he placed both his palms on the glass separating them.
"Oi!" He yelled out, startling Ren. "You're free now! Do whatever you want! Go wherever you want! You're freaking fish swimming in space, you're not fish in a plastic bag anymore. Thanks for all the help back there. I didn't know goldfish could be so bloodthirsty. Not that you're gold anymore. Anyways", Gintoki continued as he laughed almost out of breath, "we don't owe each other anything now, do we? It's okay. You've done your part. There must be so many places you want to go now that you're finally free. No need to go to a boring abandoned satellite when there's so much space left to explore, right? Go!" He shouted out happily as the fish swam closer to the glass. "Go! If our paths cross again, I hope you'll be even bigger! It would be funny seeing Hijikata's eyes pop out of his head again", Gintoki snickered.
The fish hesitantly swam toward the ship.
Gintoki groaned and waved at them. "Goodbye! I told you, don't come back unless you've tripled in size. See you then!"
Finally, the fish swam closer and each brushed a fin along the glass before turning around and swimming away towards a distant swirling galaxy. Their forms grew smaller until they blended into the stars and Ren couldn't make out their silver scales any longer. To say he was surprised by the interaction would be an understatement; he could never imagine the silverfish had the ability to understand Gintoki. He felt a pang of regret that he could not use his Silver Sight on them as much as Rain could.
Gintoki stretched and sighed contentedly. Without the sadness wearing him down, even if he was beautiful then in his own right, Gintoki now shone underneath the starlight. Like the surface of the Earth's moon, his skin ethereally glowed and both his eyelashes and hair shimmered as they moved. Ren felt that he could spend an eternity standing and gazing upon him without ever wanting to move.
It was far more pleasing than gazing at Tera from the Imperial Capital.
"What was your reason behind sending them away?" Ren was curious. Gintoki could have just left them alone or used them to protect himself or his comrades. The silverfish were apparently more than willing to do so.
"I don't want anyone to endure and suffer because of me."
Ren tilted his head. "Were they suffering?"
Gintoki nodded. "Yeah."
They stood in silence for a while, facing the starry sky filled with planets and galaxies. Ren wondered what the true reason behind Gintoki's action was. He also pondered why had Gintoki invited him here to talk, but he didn't want to end their conversation sooner than later.
"Ha, for someone who reads minds and feelings of others, you're not good at picking up on cues, are you?"
Ren crossed his arms and he felt a frown form on his face. "The interaction with the silverfish somehow concerns me."
Gintoki rolled his eyes. "Yes, bingo!"
"Are you saying goodbye to me now, Gintoki?"
Gintoki's eyes widened for a moment before he smiled and shook his head. "No. Not just yet. When you truly want to do that, we'll say goodbye."
Ren felt immense relief. It was as if this whole time, since the Imperial Ship, he had held his breath and waited for Gintoki to send him away forever. "In that case, I shall never say goodbye." He could see Gintoki roll his eyes again, this time in amusement. "What else would it be, then? Do I remind you of the silverfish?" Ren hoped not; while they were an interesting sight to behold, he did not want to share the same appearance with them in Gintoki's eyes.
"Huh", Gintoki mumbled and stepped forward, "now that you mention it, they're similar. The color of your eyes and their scales."
Ren held his breath as he looked down into Gintoki's eyes. He was so close that he could see ruby freckles dotting his irises. His gaze lowered and his heart sent blood rushing through his body as he stared at Gintoki's lips. He was in delirium before when he kissed him and he didn't experience it in full; now he couldn't tear his eyes away as he held back from leaning down to taste them again.
"Why did you do it?"
The question made Ren shake off the trance he found himself in and he stared at Gintoki, not understanding what he was referring to. As the silence grew longer, Gintoki sighed and once again, Ren felt slight disappointment marred with anger color his soul, not dimming it in the slightest.
"Why did you stay behind, Ren? You've could've… no, you did die. Why didn't you just deactivate the mechanism and escape? Or you could've just left me behind. They can't kill me yet, right? I would've been fine." His words spilled out faster as he talked and he refused to meet Ren's eyes. "They've been wanting to kill you for a long time. You said so yourself. So why did you do the dumbest thing possible and decide to stay behind alone? You would've died if I didn't find you in time, Ren. Do you understand that?"
"I want you to stay safe. Stay alive. To be happy. I don't mind dying." Ren almost stuttered over his last words; as it turned out, he did mind dying because it meant never seeing Gintoki again.
"I do!"
Their eyes finally met. Ren felt the full brunt of Gintoki's emotions hit him all at once; what he always regarded as a soul with an endless warmth of the sun was much deeper and intense; filled with fear, anger and sorrow. He recognized that the source of those feelings wasn't only his close demise; Gintoki bore deep scars that had never healed and now they were torn open only to bleed again. It finally made him aware of what had almost happened and he felt his eyes sting from strain. For once in his life, Ren felt alive, felt like he couldn't throw his life away in a blink anymore. Because he had to stay alive for the person in front of him, even if it were so that he never grows sad for his sake.
His silver soul was so beautiful it was blinding.
"The Imperial Capital is much different from Edo", Ren began before he could stop himself and stared down at the metallic flooring. "No bond between parent and child, teacher and student, friends and comrades triumphs over one's usefulness towards society. If deemed unworthy, one would be thrown off the edge of the island into the Below, the ruination of our original civilization, as to not poison the rest with their… differences. I knew of a researcher who proposed a different way of using the Terian energy source, not taking directly from you. It was blasphemous and against the Imperial religion to even make such a proposal. They were ready to plummet into the Below only to keep up their pretense of tradition." Ren frowned when he dimly remembered the researcher's smile as they talked about the possibilities their technology would bring. "They disappeared the very next day."
Gintoki stayed silent as he listened. Ren continued.
"My position was precarious ever since I was born. My Silver Sight abilities were subpar and I feared everyday that I would one day follow that researcher. I have decided then and there to not feel. It was easier and it helped me focus on my survival and goal. I used that subpar ability to navigate through the aristocratic landscape and with the Emperor's aid, I rose to my position as the Imperial Prince. I would have ended an empty husk of a person if it were not for you, Gintoki. You were the only light in my bleak life. And you still are, now even more so than ever before."
Ren felt shame creep up his back when he remembered Aya's accusations and he couldn't look up to meet Gintoki's eyes as he spoke. "I was able to do anything for you. I have been to your birthplace once with the Emperor. I have destroyed those that used you for their gain. I murdered my countrymen who were ready to do the same. But in the end, the one who was the worst threat to you was me. I cannot ask for your forgiveness, Gintoki. Only that you let me stay by your side until I see you safely arrive on Tera." The words stung as they left his mouth. He didn't want to say them.
"Ah, that? The manipulation thing? It's nice finally knowing what made me feel all weird around you. Man, don't you have crash courses for Silver Sight there? They didn't teach you anything useful and they screwed me over. Maybe they tumbled off way too many of your teachers into the Hellhole", Gintoki spoke with such nonchalance it made Ren look at him in disbelief. "What? Now that you know, don't spend your time brooding like a teenager and learn to rein it in. You'll even get your training montage and everything. Ask Kagura to help you out", he chuckled, "she's going through one of her phases now; I'm sure she wouldn't mind you joining her."
Ren was speechless.
He could only watch, dumbfounded, as Gintoki stretched and the light spilled over his lithe body. "I guess we're done here. Next up is Aya. Ha, I feel like I missed my profession. I could've been doing this and people would pay me for that."
As Gintoki passed by Ren, he lightly tapped him on the shoulder and Ren flinched. His mind was too full and sluggish to properly respond.
"Oh. One more thing."
Gintoki turned back and mischievously grinned up at him.
"Don't ever kiss me again. Those are only reserved for Hijikata."
A/N:
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed the chapter! :D