A/N:
i apologize if this last section feels really dragged out. this story was supposed to end with 38 parts, but i had to split multiple chapters (sometimes splitting them more than once) because they were too long, otherwise. i didn't want to do this, though, since it breaks the immersion, makes the story feel like it's dragging on, and degrades the significance of each chapter.

Katsuki Bakugou

I can't fucking believe I basically let myself get pressured into binge eating again, Bakugou snarled at himself while scrubbing away the dried saliva coating his right hand. At first, the sushi tasted good, but by the end of it, I wanted anything but to keep eating that disgusting shit. That's always how it is: turn something I love into something I hate. He dried his hands on the nearby towel hanging up by the sink, but after unknowingly staring down at his red-tinged hands, he realized his vision had been swallowed up by an eel of water. Why do I hate myself so much? I know why, but why'd things have to go like this?

Staring up at the ceiling of his room a few hours after having taken a nap, Bakugou thought, No matter how much I shove it down, ignore it, or convince myself it's fine, it just resurfaces later. He sealed shut his eyes, strangling the liquid adversaries invading the pocket created by his lower eyelids. Why? Why can't I just train myself to numb everything like Todoroki can? Why am I stuck feeling all this shit, destroying myself to try and manage it, feeling shitty after that, still not fixing the problem, and having those initial feelings just boil and explode later? I can't handle it. Therapy is nothing but stress, pain, and just…fucking pain.

"How did you feel when you found out you'd been cheated on?"

"Like I'd just gotten the shit beat out of my brain."

"Did it feel like you'd been stabbed in the back just out of the blue?"

Yeah, exactly… Everything was normal, and then, one day, I saw the truth…just to find out that that wasn't even the fucking truth. I don't even wanna admit to how livid I was when I found out he cheated on me, now that I know why he did it. I don't fucking want to remember any of it.

"It wasn't even that he backstabbed me. In fact, he did it for me, and I didn't know…"

"Before we get to that, in the moment when you found out he cheated on you, did it feel unfair?"

It doesn't fucking matter, because I was wrong the entire fucking time.

"I don't know. All I know is that I hate the fucker that he cheated on me with."

"Bakugou, it sounds like you don't want to allow yourself to feel or accept the way you felt when you were cheated on."

Don't fucking make me relive those shitty days.

Forcing his teeth together, Bakugou pulled himself upright and sat down at his desk. He ripped out a lined sheet of paper from his math composition notebook and cut through the white hue with streaks of gray.

I don't fucking care anymore, Bakugou thought while attempting to swallow down the acidic burn in his throat. Everything's going wrong. Nothing will go right. I keep crawling my way through all this shit hoping to find something worth living for, and I just get kicked further and further into the dirt. I want to find that reason to live. I want to save Todoroki. I want this all to have meant something. But I'm so fucking tired. I just want out… I want out of this endless spiral. If I'd died before I found out he cheated on me, I would've preferred that. I would've fucking preferred that, goddammit! What good has come out of all the months that followed? What point is there anymore? What fucking future am I even hoping to achieve anymore? He glanced around the room.

Not to mention all the fucking homework, all the missed work, all the late work, all the catch-up work, all the training I've fallen behind on, all the lectures I didn't pay attention to, and the studying… I can't fucking do this. I can't anymore. I've fucked my grades, my strength, my body, my mind, my future, my relationship, my habits, just everything. Not even my coping methods are enough. I'm never satisfied with anything I do or that happens. The help isn't helping. Todoroki just keeps getting worse, and I only seem to make things worse for him too. I'm tired of working and waiting for an invisible thread to suddenly pierce this hell. I'm tired of banking on there being a thread of hope. I'm tired of feeling like all I've suffered through is pointless. I just want to die.

Bakugou clutched the jagged spine of the paper, skimming over what he'd written before crumpling the paper into his fists. He tossed the paper wad in the trash.

"When you start having a wave of bad thoughts, I want you to write them down so we can discuss them next time we meet."

But you also said you'd break the confidentiality of it if you determined I was suicidal, Bakugou hissed to himself while tearing free another piece of paper from his notebook. I go to therapy to deal with my problems, get clarity and advice, and just talk through the shit making my life hell, and I'm not even allowed to say most of it. I thought it'd be a place where the filter can come off, but it isn't. I'd be better off telling Todoroki the full truth, but I don't want to do that. So, what am I supposed to do? What the hell am I supposed to do?! If I ended it all, would it really be as fucking devastating as they all claim?

"Suicide isn't the option."

Bakugou's knuckles screamed with white as he crushed the pencil in his grasp. It's not the option, but it's the only option I see anymore… I know it's fucked, and my top priority has been preventing Todoroki from killing himself because of how fucked it is. Seeing that bastard get interviewed with all those eyes on him as he defended that motherfucker… Did you just forget he also did this all because he hated me?! You'd rather validate and humanize him? And yet… He recalled when Todoroki informed him that the relationship with Higoro was forced. I don't have the right to be as upset as I am when you're also the person who took all that pain in my stead because you loved me. I don't have any fucking rights to any feelings, do I?

Then, Bakugou began to write on the thin sheet of paper that was creased with a few lines where he'd grabbed hold of it. However, before he could finish writing "Todoroki" down, he grit his teeth and forced his pencil against the desk until the dull bullet of graphite snapped off. His visage stirred like a pool of lava in a volcano. As shards of wood began to chip off from the trembling tip of the pencil, Bakugou abruptly yanked back the pencil and bashed it against the paper; only the dents from the jagged wood splinters stained the paper.

Fuck it, snarled Bakugou to himself. I'll ask him. Better than feeling ashamed over using one of those hotlines. Probably better than talking to my therapist. Probably better than talking to Aizawa. He shoved himself out of the chair and marched up to Todoroki's room. Even if you'll just give me that fake empathy, those shitty platitudes, or those 'inspirational' tips that are so damn banal, I at least wanna feel like someone cared. Like I wasn't left behind again. Like I wasn't ostracized. I'm sick of not being able to change a damn thing, or just making things worse by trying. Even if history is probably just gonna repeat itself, this time, it won't end the same way.

Pooling up a river of air into his lungs, Bakugou allowed that river to flood from his lips as his knuckles met the cold door in front of him. "Oi," he called out in a husky, reverberating sigh. "Todoroki, I wanna talk about somethin'. I know yer not feeling great, but…" His voice tapered into a soft whisper like an icicle unraveling into a series of transparent tears.

Like a centipede of dust, a familiar voice crawled out from behind the door. "Sure."

Cracking open the door, Bakugou was met with a perplexing sight. Todoroki was sitting at the edge of his futon with a neon-blue ribbon interwoven between his fingers. His eyes remained on that vivid ribbon that was like a silky ocean wave.

"What's that?" queried Bakugou, who closed the door behind him.

Todoroki blinked in silence. "A parting gift from Rui." His voice was a droplet of spring dew. "He said it was the last semblance of any human in him left. He received it as a gift from the last genuine friend he had, which was back in his childhood." He tied the ribbon around his right wrist. "I know you hate him, and you have every right to for what he did to you, but I still can't help but wonder if I could've saved him."

Bakugou shook his head, forcing his voice to remain at a conversational volume. "There's no saving shitheads like that. Fuck no. What's done is done." He glared at the oceanic ring hugging Todoroki's wrist. "He fucked us both over. Pulled one shitty trick, and everything came undone. And what, we were just supposed to rebuild the whole damn thing? We tried. Every attempt failed. The past we had together's never gonna come back. No matter what we do, it all falls apart again. All that time and energy for nothing. All that just to go back to square one."

Patting beside him on his futon, Todoroki replied, "Yeah, it's really not fair, is it? All the work we put into building up our relationship…blown away with one mistake. But I do think Rui could've been saved. He seems like an animal based on what you know, but I know another side to him. I know a soft side. A fragile side. A weeping side. He was dependent on drinking and smoking to get by. He hated being weak or letting his vulnerable side show. He projected most of his pent-up emotions. He wanted to destroy to feel better about himself, but at the same time, he felt guilty about it. Maybe this is a little cruel to ask, but what's so different about you and Rui?" His eyes locked with Bakugou's eyes.

What's so different about… Bakugou rapidly shook his head as an inferno of emotion clawed at his veins. No. Stop painting it like that!

"I'm nothing like that inhuman bastard!" snarled Bakugou.

"Really?" Todoroki tilted his head. "I find it ironic how Rui never referred to you as inhuman, despite how much he hated you." He traced his finger around the wavy edges of the ribbon. "You can't deny that there are parts of him you can relate to. You also both breathe the same air, have astoundingly identical DNA, and speak the same language. You're very different from him, but beneath the exterior, you're both practically the same."

Shut the fuck up… Bakugou wanted to growl as his chest was punctured by needles of a scorching red. Now you're trying to put me on the same level as the fucker that tormented you to your breaking point?! You're acting like he isn't all that bad, like his crimes didn't mean shit, like…you really did love him. I don't fucking care anymore. Whatever. Guess I am a hypocrite for defending him when he's also the one defending an animal.

"I hate how you just put some logic in front of me that even I can't deny," grumbled Bakugou, who glimpsed over at Todoroki's knees. "Y'know, this reminds me of the first time we slept together. Heh. You sat just like that, all sheepish and awkward yet so damn oblivious and unbothered. I miss those days. Tch. The days when you used to smile, when I was always on your ass about dumb shit, when we were just helplessly inseparable. It was so fun. It was so damn fun…" His voice splintered into ash. "Now look at us. Things won't ever be like that again. School's just gonna keep getting harder with more work and training involved. I'm fucking tired of it. So…" He lifted his chin with a vague smile, gazing into Todoroki's empty eyes. "As my final gambit, I came to ask if you wanna die with me."