Katsuki Bakugou

Todoroki blinked, directing his eyes to the tatami mats lining the floor. "Somehow, I felt like you'd ask me that one day," he finally whispered, placing his cold, thin hand on Bakugou's hand. "After all Aizawa has done for us? After we've gotten this far? After we've overcome so much? It seems very abrupt, don't you think? Well, maybe not, but do you really want to put an end to this all just like that? I thought we planned on getting help and getting better. I thought you wanted to survive this war. I thought—"

Clutching Todoroki's hand, Bakugou interjected, "Yeah, well, I'd rather escape like the coward I am but that I'm not allowed to show to anyone than endure fuck-knows-long of trying to get better just for more shit to kick me while I'm down. 'It gets better. It hasn't been that long since it all started going to shit.' Yeah, it gets better, but it also gets way worse than I could ever imagine in the blink of an eye. It hasn't been that long compared to people like you, but it won't get to a point where I'm 'better' for a long time, I was already dealing with shit before it all spiraled, everything's only gonna get more difficult, and just thinking about all the tests and shit… I'm still so far behind with the current school shit! I don't…" His lips peeled back. "I can't keep doing this, Todoroki…"

Even if it doesn't seem that bad realistically, it's the onslaught of everything going wrong and staying wrong. It's knowing things never had to get this bad, and wishing they were like how they should've been but that I fucked myself out of. It's only being able to envision a future where this continues, no matter how much I put up a fight to stop it.

Tugging Bakugou against his shoulder, Todoroki replied, "Think about how many people you'd affect. Your family, our classmates, Aizawa, other Heroes…" He gently squeezed Bakugou's hand. "I know it hurts just to live and think about living another day, but think about how much unfinished business you have. How many things you can never change if—"

"I get that!" hissed Bakugou, whose chin dug into Todoroki's shoulder. "But I'm not fucking strong like you are. I'm pathetic, Todoroki! All I do is hurt everyone around me. Maybe you were right that I'm not so much different from that bastard…because I treated you like shit, and you won't… You won't even get mad at me for it! You won't get mad at him, either! And it fucking kills me!" His raspy voice sank into the soft fabric of Todoroki's white school uniform. "Not only does it hurt me to no end and make me pissed that I seem to be feeling this shit in your place, but it also reminds me about how fucking weak I am… Tch. And how I'll always, always, always be inferior to you. And I can't even get any enjoyment from the things I used to love.

"After you left when Aizawa was here, I was so fucking… I don't even know. I don't fucking know what I felt. It was just like my entire body was being ripped apart and melted. I told myself I'd never go back to binge eating, and yet, that's exactly what I fucking did. And I want to drink off the pain of it. I want it to go away. I have no fucking control over anything, and yet, I'm the only one who's in control. But the moment I 'take control' again, I always end up making things worse than if I hadn't. I can't bring myself to talk about my eating habits and shit with my therapist. I can't stop comparing myself. I can't stop sabotaging myself. I can't stop lying to myself. I can't stop…"

Not to mention I can't seem to fucking stop myself from full-on venting to you anymore, Bakugou realized while his body was hugged tight to Todoroki's chest. I always wished you would vent to me because you never ever did, and there I was, ranting about shit and being weak in front of you. That's always how it's been, and I've always wished it were the opposite. I wanted to be the strong one. I hate myself. You never complain about any of the shit I drag you through, and I always seem to be the one getting annoyed at the few things you ask for.

And what do you ask for? Basically, for me to be kind to myself. Why? Why is it like this? Why am I even clinging to you still when I've always treated you like shit? Maybe you were better off with that bastard. Tch, and here I am trying to drag you into committing suicide with me because… I don't even know anymore. I'm so fucking selfish. This is so fucked up. I could've just kept it to myself and kept you out of my mess, but here I am again, dragging you down with me. I don't want you to do this to yourself.

Then, after another few minutes of being nestled into the sparse warmth of Todoroki's body, Bakugou heard a deep, silvery voice brush against his ears. "I know it feels like everything is going wrong and will just keep going wrong, but there is an end to it. You've done so much more for me than I've been able to express. Without you, I'd have been dead a while ago. I wouldn't have all the fond memories with you that I do. We've both hurt each other, but that's inevitable. I know dying feels like the only option, but it isn't. Will living fix all our problems? No, but neither will dying. There's still so much we can still do and experience in the world. Dying is only going to shove the pain onto the people around us. This isn't the answer to anything." He let out a long breath.

"I'm fine with that," muttered Bakugou under his breath. "I don't care anymore. I'm not gonna be alive to feel the impact of what I did. If all I am is selfish, might as well die selfish. At this point, I'd rather die a villain true to how shitty I really am than die a 'Hero' built on bullshit." He narrowed his eyes. "I don't want to admit that this is too much for me to take, and especially not when I know how fucking pathetic it really is, but I'd rather die now than try to get better just to fuck that up too and end up even worse than before. 'You don't know if that'll happen.' Yeah, I don't, but I'm not risking the chance that all this ultimately gets worse. You and I have both experienced that, and I'm not going through it again. I'd rather burn my lottery ticket that could have the jackpot than find myself buried alive in lottery tickets."

Why can't I stop crying over him?! Bakugou snarled at himself a few weeks after he'd discovered Todoroki's post on social media about another boyfriend. I don't need a cheating asshole in my life, and I'm better off with a shithead like that out of my life as well. But every time I think about him, the tears just fucking pour right out. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much! He slammed his fist against his desk before scooping up a bite of yellow curry and white rice into his mouth. I just want to stop thinking about him. Stop feeling this shit. Stop proving how weak I am.

Before Bakugou realized it, he'd gone back for seconds of his curry, and soon enough, thirds. After the second helping, he no longer found the taste to have the same appeal as when he'd taken his initial bite. All he could taste was an achromatic mush that burned his mouth and sank in his stomach. Despite that, Bakugou found himself sitting in front of his fourth bowl of curry.

"I miss forcing you to take a bite out of my curry," sibilated Bakugou to himself as a ragged smile was dragged over his frown. "I miss it. I miss you, goddammit!" His cheeks were drenched by his tears as his lips rippled with the emotions scraping through his skull. "If only I were enough for you, you… You f-fucking traitor…" He forced himself to swallow the sob lurching from his throat, burying the voice that desperately pounded at his chest under a flood of curry and rice.

While awaiting Todoroki's response, Bakugou added, "I know I'm selfish, so I'm just gonna ask again… Do you wanna die with me?" He pulled back from Todoroki's arms.

Todoroki closed his eyes, tilting his head ever so slightly. "I think I'd kill myself anyway if you went on your own, so, if this is truly what you want, I'll join you." Splitting open his eyes, his turquoise and gray irises drowned in the voids of Bakugou's eyes. "But I hope you understand how fucked up this is."

"You are the last person I wanna hear telling me that," Bakugou hissed, standing up to his feet beside Todoroki. "But I'm sure. I'm sick of the suicidal urges anyway. No one's gonna miss me, and it'll be whatever. Perk of everyone hating you is that they won't be sad when you die."

The teach was always checking in with me while you were in the hospital, Bakugou began to recollect. Always there for me, always trying to help, always trying to calm me down and get my head on straight. Guess it'd suck to have all that effort be wasted. Whatever.

Todoroki furrowed his brows as he stared at the ribbon embracing his wrist. "You want to think that, but it isn't true. A lot of people will grieve over you and be devastated in general to hear of your passing."

Even if that's the case, it's easier to think I'd die, and it'd either have no impact, or people would be happier that way. To think I was the one trying to get it through your head that I loved you, you meant so damn much to me, no one would've been 'better off' without you, killing yourself would absolutely fucking break me… Now look at us.

A hot fluid writhed in Bakugou's chest. "Would you have grieved if you weren't dying with me?" His eyes locked with Todoroki's eyes.

"Honestly, I don't think so," Todoroki sighed, blinking slowly. "I'd like to, don't get me wrong, but like I said, I just can't seem to hate, love, or care anymore." His eyes were like a hazy reflection staring back at Bakugou from a shard of onyx. "Knowing there's an immediate escape, though, is comforting. Finally, I can destroy this monochrome crown. I know I'm dragging this out for you, but I want to make sure you're absolutely certain this is what you want."

Barbed scissors ground into Bakugou's stomach. So, even you've given up on me? Asked you before, and I thought you were just gonna keep doing whatever it took to keep me alive, regardless of whether or not you cared. Giving up on the person you sacrificed everything for… Damn. Then again, I asked for this myself. Told you to stop pretending like you care, and now I'm bitter when you do exactly that?

"Well, now I'm even more sure, 'cuz if my dying won't do shit to the person who loved and cared about me the most… But why? Why are you suddenly fine with this?" Bakugou's brows dipped like crows being crumpled up.

A smile crawled onto Todoroki's lips like a snake in the process of molting. "We both share a mutual interest, and we've already seen where it's gotten us to try and help each other through it. We both tell each other not to kill ourselves, not to harm ourselves, not to be self-destructive, but we do it all anyway behind each other's backs. If you won't let me cut you out, it looks like we're cutting each other down until the end. We could choose to make it slow and painful, or we could end things now. Your choice."

Bakugou shook his head, cracking his knuckles. "How'd we go from enemies to lovers to toxic bastards?" A defeated smile warped over his skin. "Already told you my answer. And y'know, I kinda just feel relieved now. All this shit is gonna be over. No more shit to deal with again. All the shit looming over my head has no meaning or weight anymore." His slim smile leveled out.

"I find it ironic how you said Rui 'ran away from his crimes' since he committed suicide. Are you not the same for that? You did just say you wanted to make up for everything you did to me, and you were pissed at the idea of being cut out of my life before you could do it. You said it with such vehemence. Now, you're perfectly fine with throwing out everything that got you so worked up not long ago?"

Bakugou's smile fizzled into a scowl. "Well, if you don't give two shits about yourself or any shit being made up to you, what's it matter?"

Todoroki lowered his brows. "I'm sure it's giving you a guilty conscience."

So what if it is? I can't feel any regret when I'm dead. I don't believe in any afterlife. And if there is? Guess I'll rot with that animal…because I guess I'm not so different when I'm also guilty of physically harming Todoroki just to feel better about myself because I hated both him and that bastard. Fuck. I'm still not nearly on his level of being fucked up, though.

Bakugou shrugged. "Whatever. If you're gonna keep saying you don't care, I'm gonna take advantage of that. Fucked up, isn't it? But how do you wanna do this? 'Cuz the more I think about being free, the more I'm eager to hurry it along. Since I'm dragging you into this, you can pick how we go out." His eyes traced the curvature of the blue ribbon.

"But think about it this way: we have all the time in the world now to die. Are there any notes you want to leave behind? Anything left you want to finish before the end?"

"Tch. Guess I might as well apologize to Aizawa for the shit I put him through. Y'know, he really gives a shit about you. He was always trying to get information about you from me to try and help you. In hindsight, he's probably done more than we've done for ourselves combined. Damn. You got any paper?"

Todoroki nodded, slowly hobbling up to his feet. "In my bag. You can use the pen on my desk as well." He pressed his palm against the wall, hunched over and panting. "Even with the feeding tube, my body is just so weak now from hardly doing anything for so long."

Popping open Todoroki's side bag, Bakugou pulled out a green folder and opened it up, revealing a thin stack of white paper. "Literally just a folder for pa—"

"Don't touch…" Todoroki expelled a long sigh when Bakugou's hand reeled back from the bottom fold of the folder. "Sorry. I forgot I kept a blade in there."

Bakugou pressed the burning cuts on his right middle and index fingers against his jeans. "Fuck. That's just fucking sad. God, I hate that I can see how much you've fucking hurt yourself, and that ain't even all of it. But I get why you got into it, no matter how much it hurts me to know you ever did." His voice dipped into a gravelly whisper with his brows. "I tried it. I get what you were talking about now. It's like all the shit in my head bubbled up to the surface and then got numbed with the adrenaline rush. In that moment, all you're thinkin' about is what you're doing, and then the adrenaline rush kicks in."

Digging through the bedside table near his futon, Todoroki pulled out a few bandages and gestured for Bakugou to head into the bathroom with the tilt of his head. "Yeah. I guess I'm glad you won't be able to fall into the same trap that I did." He cleaned Bakugou's hand with warm water and a teardrop of soap; Bakugou let out a hiss of pain. "Sorry. It's strange what your mind can do to you. Self-harm completely goes against natural human instinct." He bandaged Bakugou's laceration.

Now that I think about it, yeah, Bakugou realized while bringing Todoroki into a tight embrace. All of this is so fucked up. My wanting to die over shit I should be able to carry the weight of, dragging my ex into the mess, him agreeing, us being so damn calm and nonchalant about the fact that we're literally about to kill ourselves together… How did it end up like this? His hands caressed Todoroki's curved sides. I miss this. I miss this kind of touch. I miss the people we used to be.

Bakugou rammed his knuckles into the sharp corner of his desk, roaring, "You took all my love, trust, time, and insecurities, and there's no way for me to get any of it back! All my secrets, all my issues, all my value as a human being! Give it back… GIVE IT BACK, YOU FUCKING TRAITOR!"

"I love you…" whispered Bakugou, whose expression scrunched into a bed of wrinkles. "All this time, I've loved you… I don't care if that sounds cheesy or weird. I wanted to hate you through and through, but no matter how much I've hated you, I've loved you more than the hate could ever reach." Todoroki's scent of bamboo and a warm sleep under the covers caressed his nose. "After this, I can be at ease, knowing you can't hurt yourself anymore behind my back. No one else can hurt you. No one else can use you."

Todoroki's chest slowly pushed against Bakugou's chest. "Thank you for loving someone like me. Falling in love with you… It was so much fun. I had so much fun. I'd never known or understood what love or attraction felt like, but once I did, I didn't want to let it go." His cheek rubbed against Bakugou's neck. "But before we go, there's something I want to ask you. It's a selfish request, but…before I no longer have the chance to, I'd like to cry, if possible. I just don't know how I'd manage that. But before that…" He pulled his head back from Bakugou, gently tracing his thumb over Bakugou's jawline and cheek. "I think it'd be fitting to have one last—"

Before Bakugou was spared a moment of thought, his body moved. All he could feel was the sensation of his lips fizzling into the warmth of another pair of lips, his fingers digging into fabric, and his chest being hugged tight to Todoroki. Yet, in the midst of those sensations, he also felt how Todoroki's body spasmed in his arms. Fire blazed through Bakugou's nerves, and a wave of acid sloshed through his stomach.

Abruptly pulling back from Todoroki, Bakugou uttered, "Shit, that was probably triggering. I did it without thinking. You all right?" Embers ate away at his cheeks.

Todoroki nodded, donning a thin smile. "How considerate. I just wasn't expecting it. Why would it be triggering?" He tilted his head.

Bakugou furrowed his brows. "'Cuz of the shit that bastard did to you?"

"Oh. Sorry, most of it is blurry now." Todoroki shrugged, wedging a needle of pain through Bakugou's chest. "But I was going to ask for one last kiss anyway. So, want to do it over?"

Is that why you were humanizing him? cerebrated Bakugou, who nodded with a smirk. You don't remember what I'd think is the worst of it? Fuck. Or are you lying about that, and you're desperate to die now to forget all of it?

Fastening his lips into a tepid embrace, Bakugou drowned his apprehensions in the heat of his body twining with Todoroki's body. His heartbeat gouged through his temples, but all Bakugou could do was capitulate to the tender yet effervescent touch of Todoroki. Trembling and aching, Bakugou's soul was voracious for the sensations strangling his body. He yearned to be scorched by the flames Todoroki had extinguished on the day dinned into Bakugou's memories. Yet, no matter how much his body implored him to dig into the depths of the hot, throbbing fervor coursing through him, Bakugou found himself with a layer of warmth clinging to his eyes when he felt something grab his belt.

Why? Bakugou hissed to himself, brusquely ripping away from Todoroki. Why, Shouto? Why?! Panting, he scrunched his eyes closed and held up his hand to Todoroki. You're cruel… You know that, right? That's what you're asking me to do…when I know damn well it's gonna fucking destroy you?! But I know that's exactly what you want. I've always done everything to make sure you were one hundred percent certain and comfortable, and you know that. You know that, Shouto! And now, when you're giving it to me, we both want it…but for completely different reasons. I know this is what you want, and I'd be denying your last wish if I didn't agree, but… I'm supposed to make this decision?!