Nymphadora Tonks was sitting outside the Headmaster's Office, and she was angry.
She was in trouble again, but that wasn't unusual. At this point, it didn't bother her; getting into altercations with the various Slytherins that made nasty comments to her was practically a daily occurrence.
It was only a few days until the Christmas holidays began, and this was her fourth visit to Professor Dumbledore's office this term. "Trouble" seemed to be becoming her new middle name, although it was arguably a better sounding one than the hideous "Vulpecula" her parents had saddled her with.
Tonks knew that she was going to likely get yet another lecture on kindness from Professor Dumbledore. This conversation, like all the others, would fall on deaf ears; Tonks didn't regret punching Julio Rosier square in the jaw, not after what he had said to her during Potions, and no requests for renumeration or flowery phrased polemics would get her to apologize to him.
After the confrontation, both Tonks and Rosier had been forced to remain behind after class, and once Professor Snape had chastised them, they both received detention. Despite being the one who instigated the incident, Snape only gave Rosier a few days of detention before sending him out of the dungeons. Tonks, however, received a month of detention because she had gotten physical with him.
"I wouldn't have punched him if he hadn't said anything to me!" Tonks explained in an attempt to justify her behavior.
Snape's lower lip curled, a sure sign that he was about to defend Rosier's actions. Just like three-quarters of the students at Hogwarts, Tonks hated her Potions professor; he picked favorites, bullied everyone that wasn't a Slytherin, and assigned mountains of homework without any regard for their other classes. Apart from the Slytherins, no one seemed to like him, and the slimy git wasn't helping himself when he barely punished the students he was responsible for. He also had a habit of docking points from Hufflepuff whenever Tonks spilled anything or knocked over her cauldron, which happened quite frequently, although Tonks unwillingly had to admit that her own clumsiness could potentially cause an explosion in her cauldron and kill everyone.
"Rosier should be in the same amount of trouble I'm in," Tonks had pushed.
"Actions have consequences," Snape replied coolly. "And your punishment is a direct result of the choices you made earlier. As Muggles are so fond of saying, 'sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you.' You are undoubtedly familiar with the expression, as your father is muggleborn. Obviously, you have not heeded those words. Instead of taking them to heart, you chose to be violent. Rosier didn't."
Tonks let out an exasperated sigh. Snape was playing favorites again. "But didn't you hear what he said to me?" she continued. "It was so mean! He called me an unwanted mistake and said that my parents would be happier if I didn't exist and-"
"Fifty points from Hufflepuff for continuing to talk back."
"But I'm not talking back! I'm just-"
"Would you like me to make it a hundred points?" Snape hissed, pushing a strand of his greasy hair behind his ear. Tonks opened her mouth to ask if he ever washed his hair, but thought better of it and remained silent. She was in enough trouble already.
"I will notify Professor Sprout that you have gotten into another quarrel with one of my students," Snape continued emotionlessly. "If you still insist on fighting this, you can either take it up with her or go to the headmaster. But since you did throw the first punch, I don't think it will end well for you, Miss Tonks."
Regardless of how it would turn out, Tonks decided to do exactly as Snape suggested.
Her mother had a mantra for circumstances like these. "Sometimes when you want something done right, you have to do it yourself," Mum often said, although Tonks was pretty sure that her mother was trying to give her advice on completing group projects for class, not teaching her a strategy for trying to weasel out of detention. Nevertheless, with her hair and eyes transformed from their natural brown to a flaming red, Tonks ran to the greenhouses and explained the situation to Professor Sprout. Before Sprout could respond or give her any advice though, Tonks bolted out of Greenhouse Three in a whirlwind, knocking several pots of Shrivelfigs over in her wake.
Once she arrived at the headmaster's office, she shouted every single type of candy she could think of to get the gargoyle blocking the staircase to leap aside- including some of the Muggle candy that Dad liked- but to no avail. As such, she was locked into a sempiternal staring contest with the stone beast, patiently waiting for either Dumbledore to descend the stairs and reveal himself or for the gargoyle to gain sentience so she could persuade it to let her through. Perhaps if she glared at it long enough her magic would bring it to life. If not, Tonks knew she would be stewing outside the office for a very long time.
If she truly was stuck waiting for Dumbledore for all eternity, maybe she could convince Charlie Weasley to bring her dessert each night.
Comments like what Julio Rosier had said weren't anything new for Tonks. In fact, she'd heard them for her entire life.
It was worse when she was younger, during the war. She would be out with one of her parents, usually while running an errand in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade and minding their own business. But before long, the outing would inevitably be soured when some passerby muttered something about Tonks or her family thinking that they couldn't hear them.
It was always the same thing; gossipy witches or warlocks would gawk at them, turn to someone nearby- usually a friend or an employee in whatever shop they were in- and begin whispering amongst themselves.
"You know, I still can't believe that those two ended up married," they would say, referring to Tonks' parents. "But I guess that's what happens when you fool around behind closed doors and are suddenly saddled with a kid. Do you think they were just careless, or that one of Tonks or Black were taking advantage of the other?"
"Not sure," their companion would reply. "Depending on the day, I go back and forth with what I think. But honestly, I feel bad for that poor kid. Must be bloody awful to be in a home where you're the glue that keeps your family together. In fact, I bet that Ted Tonks will leave as soon as she starts Hogwarts; I certainly wouldn't want to have to spend the rest of my life married to someone like a Black."
Before Tonks had a chance to react to these comments, Mum and Dad would glare at whomever made them and quietly announce to Tonks that it was time to go, regardless of whether their business was concluded.
Her parents' instinctive response to remove her from the situation without contradicting the rumormongers' words always made Tonks feel like there was some truth to them. For the rest of the afternoon, Tonks was usually free to do whatever she wanted, her selfish and childish requests superseding any other things her family had planned that day. The end result was usually that her uncharacteristically subdued and forlorn father would take her to Florean Fortescue's and let her eat ice cream for lunch, or Tonks would convince her now upset and distant mother to get her a new Sneakoscope for her ever growing collection.
Whatever the circumstances of her parents' marriage, Tonks knew that they loved her. Every time she hopped on the Hogwarts Express, Dad looked like he wanted to cry and Mum usually did. When she was home from school, Dad would hug Tonks tightly every day and tell her that she was his favorite little girl- though Tonks herself categorically disagreed with his conclusion that she was in any way little. Sometimes when she was having trouble sleeping, Tonks would observe Mum sneaking into her room at night while she feigned slumber, simply so that she could smooth Tonks' hair and adjust her blanket so it more properly covered her.
And despite what the nosy gossipers said, Tonks thought that her parents loved each other too. At least she was pretty sure they did. Dad was always doing super sappy stuff like buying flowers for Mum, coming up to her in the kitchen and serenading her, or asking her to dance to boring old-people music. Mum wasn't much better; she would make Dad's favorite fish and chips recipe every Tuesday night, bring homemade baked goods to his office on her way to work, and on weekends, she would curl up next to him on the living room couch while they watched the Muggle news on the television.
Frankly, Tonks found her parents' behavior toward each other cringey and super gross. If she was anywhere in the vicinity of her parents while they were so overly affectionate, Tonks suffered from secondhand embarrassment, as she couldn't imagine herself engaging in such a manner with anyone else, much less a boy.
After all, boys were well-known to have cooties.
But what if it was all an act? Years of whispers and rumors had finally begun to chip away at the solid foundation of Tonks' life, leaving her with questions that eroded her psyche further. What if her family wasn't all that it seemed? What if her parents were putting on a performance for Tonks so that she wouldn't learn the truth? Were the claims of the gossipy wizards and witches true, the ones they were always chattering away over a decade after Tonks had been born?
If Tonks didn't exist, would Mum and Dad still be together, and would they potentially be much happier without both her and each other in their lives?
The sound of footsteps interrupted the rambling thoughts running through Tonks' mind, and she turned her gaze away from the stone gargoyle to see who had entered the corridor.
Professor Sprout had appeared in the doorway leading out of the tower, a grim frown on her face. Behind her were Mum and Dad, both of whom looked less than pleased that they had once again been called to Hogwarts to meet with Tonks' professors about her supposedly delinquent behavior. Tonks gulped; her mother wore the all too familiar expression of jaded disappointment and dismay, and her father's eyes gleamed with irritation. Regardless of what happened during their meeting with Professor Dumbledore, Tonks knew that she would be grounded the instant she stepped off the Hogwarts Express in a couple of days.
"Professor Dumbledore will be with you soon," Professor Sprout said, wiping her soiled hands on the dirty apron she wore over her robes. "But I have a class of fifth years to teach in ten minutes, so I can't join you for the meeting. I'll leave you here to wait."
Tonks' parents nodded and murmured in acknowledgement, and Professor Sprout spun on her heel and exited the corridor. Once the echoes of her footsteps had dissipated, Mum and Dad approached Tonks, their expressions of frustration even more pronounced up close. Tonks felt her hair changing color of its own accord, and when she looked down, she saw that her formerly flaming red locks were now an embarrassing shade of green, reminiscent of vomit.
"Nymphadora," Dad said sternly, causing Tonks to jump. She hated her full name and Dad never used it, not unless she had done something wrong. "Can you tell us what happened earlier? Professor Sprout told us that you punched Julio Rosier, but she didn't tell us why. She seemed to think that we would want to hear it from you personally."
Tonks grimaced and stared at her hands. "H-He called me a mistake," she whispered, all of a sudden feeling extremely vulnerable. "He said that I was unwanted and that you two would be better off if I didn't exist. It made me really angry. Before I knew it, I punched him. And then Snape gave me detention but he wouldn't give Rosier any, even though what he said was really mean! Then when I said that he wasn't being fair, he took a bunch of house points and told me to complain to Dumbledore if I didn't like it. And I don't. So I'm complaining."
Dad's expression immediately transformed from exasperated to crestfallen. Mum's, on the other hand, morphed from displeasure to blinding fury. Her brown eyes angrily narrowed onto Tonks, and her mouth stretched into a taut line. Mum looked as if she was about to commit a murder, and Tonks found herself more than a little afraid of what her mother might say or do next.
Whenever she pulled some sort of stunt- either in school or at home- Tonks always knew exactly how much trouble she was in based on how angry her parents got. Mum, who had an extraordinarily high tolerance for Tonks' mischief, would simply get annoyed with her when she ran out of patience, taking away Tonks' broom or making her clean the kitchen. Any punishments were usually short-lived; by the next day, all would be back to normal, and the cycle would begin again, typically ending with Tonks getting in more trouble and additional privileges being taken away.
It was when Dad got mad and yelled at her that Tonks knew she had gone too far with her antics. Ted Tonks was extremely easygoing and, like Mum, didn't anger easily. But when Tonks pushed too many of his buttons, and Merlin, she pushed them when she did things like climb on the roof or completely stain the living room couch fluorescent pink- which, in her opinion, was a much better color than whatever Mum's beloved "seaside taupe" was supposed to be- Dad would snap. He would loudly reprimand her and ground her, often making her help with gardening or yard work. Tonks didn't actually mind working in the garden alongside her father, but knowing that her continued misbehavior pushed him to shouting- which he always apologized for the next day- made her feel guilty for upsetting him, and that alone was usually enough to get her to stop doing whatever had gotten her into trouble in the first place.
But when Mum got mad, Tonks knew that all hell was about to break loose.
Although Andromeda Tonks didn't often show her emotions publicly, when something angered her, her fury took over and within mere seconds she would unleash it on whomever had caused it. Although she was never violent, her ire always resulted in said person profusely apologizing or groveling in submission. Tonks found it quite terrifying, but knew she had nothing to fear. Mum's anger was never directed at her or Dad.
The closest Mum had ever gotten to being angry at either of them was during the war, when Dad had to go to a Quidditch conference that some known Death Eaters would be attending. Even through their locked bedroom door, Tonks heard her mother repeatedly, and loudly, insist that her father was taking too many unnecessary risks, convinced attending the conference would result in his death. She had quite forcefully begged him to reconsider, asking him to think about how Tonks would feel if her father was gone forever. Tonks had stopped listening at that point and returned to her own bedroom; imagining life without Dad was too awful and she'd begun to cry. In the end, though, it had all been moot. The war ended before the conference occurred, and with Mum's blessing, Dad attended it.
Even now, as Mum stood before her, with her ire rolling off of her with such ferocity that Tonks was surprised that the gargoyle blocking the staircase hadn't crumbled or burst into flames, Tonks wasn't afraid for herself, but for Dumbledore, Snape, and Rosier. Mum only ever got mad at people who insulted Tonks and Dad- usually those who called her father a "mudblood" or Tonks a "freak"- and in Tonks' opinion, Snape's actions and Rosier's words were solid reasons for them to end up on Mum's hit list. As for Dumbledore, Tonks had no clue as to what secrets Mum might know about him.
Mum spun around and walked toward the gargoyle, her dark hair menacingly billowing behind her.
"Fizzing Whizbee!" she shouted at the immobile stone creature, just as Tonks had some twenty minutes prior. "Bertie Botts! Sugar Quills! Chocolate Frog! Lemon Sherbet! Curly Wurly! Bon Bons! Funny Feet!"
At the mention of Funny Feet, the gargoyle sprang to life and jumped aside.
"Really?" Mum exclaimed with surprise. "Of all things, he made the password Funny Feet?"
Tonks was about to agree with her mother that Dumbledore's password choice was strange even for him, but before she could say anything, Mum stormed up the steps. Her loud stomping echoed in her wake, giving the already tense atmosphere a further tone of sinister foreboding. It was obvious that whatever Mum intended to say or do in the headmaster's office, she meant business, and Tonks was more than a little afraid that her mother would murder Dumbledore and that his ghost would haunt their family for all eternity. She shuddered as she imagined a translucent Professor Dumbledore hovering behind her while she watched game shows on Dad's television, commenting on how he had been fond of Muggle historical romance drama programs when he was alive, or something dumb and embarrassing like that.
Tonks moved to follow her mother up the stairs, but the gargoyle blocked the path just as she reached it. Grumbling, she returned to the stone bench and flopped down on it, angrily crossing her arms over her chest. With a loud sigh, Dad sat next to her and put his arm around her shoulders.
"That stuff that Rosier said to you," he said quietly. "You know that none of it's true, right?"
Tonks looked at her father. His light eyes and severely pronounced frown reflected so much pain that she almost wanted to agree with him, just so he would go back to being his cheerful self. But she couldn't, not when she knew that what he was saying wasn't the whole truth.
"It's okay, Dad," she answered shakily, turning away from him and looking down at her feet. "You don't need to lie to me about it."
"What?" he replied, taken aback. "What are you talking about, Dora? It's not a lie."
"Dad, I know how long it takes for babies to be born. You and Mum celebrate your wedding anniversary in April. I was born in August. That's only like four months, not nine."
"You were born almost three months early, you know. We had to give you Aging Potions until you were about a year old to make sure that there weren't any issues from you being born so early."
"Daaaad…."
Her father let out another sigh and moved his arm off of her shoulders. Suddenly, Tonks felt cold and scared, and being in a damp stone-lined tower only exacerbated the chilly atmosphere.
Dad shoved his hands in his pockets and stared at the ceiling. "Fine. I admit it," he said begrudgingly. "You weren't planned."
Tonks' heart sank as fear and anxiety filled her completely, causing her thoughts to spiral. Paralyzed with terror, questions whirled through her mind faster than a racing broom, merging with her prior speculations; if Tonks wasn't a planned child, what did that mean about how her parents felt about how their lives had turned out? Did they curse her existence at times? Was there a period of time where they resented each other? And worse, had Rosier and the nosy gossips been correct about everything this entire time? Did Mum and Dad only get married because of her? Had Tonks been unwanted by them at the beginning?
Her father placed his hand on her shoulder once again. "But Dora, why does this matter?" he asked gently. "Just because you were conceived before your mother and I got married doesn't mean we love you any less."
He didn't get it. "I know that!" she huffed, trying her best not to cry. "But it means that Rosier and the others were right… that I… I… I wasn't wanted…"
Dad's already dejected face somehow fell even further, and Tonks thought that in that moment she heard his heart break.
"Oh, Dora… that's not true at all. Not one bit," he replied in barely a whisper. "We wanted you as soon as we found out about you. I started loving you the second I learned that your mother said she was pregnant."
"But then Mum-"
"Why do you think that Mum doesn't talk to her family anymore?" Dad quickly asked her, his gaze becoming fierce and his brow furrowing. However, he didn't make eye contact with Tonks, and that bothered her.
She had no answer for him, only silence.
"One of the reasons is because they were going to force her to give you away," he continued. "And rather than do that, she left them. She wanted you more than anything else, Dora. So did I. You're not a mistake, sweetheart, you're the greatest gift we've ever gotten."
While she did believe what her father was saying, something wasn't sitting right with Tonks. Although he probably wasn't lying to her- Mum and Dad had never lied to her, although Dad often sugarcoated the truth- his refusal to look at her was an obvious sign that he wasn't telling her the whole story.
Meaning that Rosier might still be right about them being happier on their own and without me, she thought to herself. And this newfound information that she was the reason that her mother didn't speak to her family made Tonks feel extremely guilty about her own existence.
"But Rosier-" Tonks began to protest, feeling her hair grow several inches and change colors once again, likely due to how frustrated she was. All she wanted was the truth!
"Look, Rosier wasn't there when all this happened," Dad sighed, brushing a strand of her now sapphire hair out of her face. "So why are you listening to what he says happened? He doesn't know anything. There were only two people there at the time- well, three, I guess, if we count you in Mum's belly. Unlike Rosier, I was there, and I can tell you that everything he's told you is wrong. You were very much wanted, and your mum and I are very happy together. Rosier's only saying this stuff to you to make you upset and get a rise out of you."
"Well, it worked," Tonks mumbled as she played with the hem of her sleeve.
Dad took her hand and squeezed it. "If I had to guess, he's probably jealous of you," he said.
"Me? Why? He's filthy rich!"
"Because he's likely the one whose parents are unhappy together," her father explained. "Rosier's probably projected his home life onto you. Your mum is actually a distant cousin of his father, and she once mentioned to me that he was forced into an arranged marriage. The same thing would have happened to her if she had decided to give you up, you know. Anyway, Rosier's parents probably only tolerate each other. I'm sure that they love Rosier himself, it's what parents do, after all, but they likely don't care too much about their family unit as a whole. I'd hazard a guess that Rosier's at home might be pretty miserable and suffocating when both his parents are in the same room. And Rosier most likely isn't allowed to express that to either them without getting punished."
"Huh," Tonks muttered. She hadn't known that about Rosier- or Mum, for that matter- and learning that his parents might not be able to stand each other made her feel a tinge bad for him. He might be a bully, but Rosier didn't deserve to feel uncomfortable at home. No one did.
Her father shifted on the bench. "Most of what Rosier knows about you comes from his parents," he said. "And they aren't the biggest fans of your Mum and me. None of the pureblood Slytherins are."
Tonks was about to ask if the Rosiers' dislike of them had anything to do with her mother leaving her family- learning that she was related to Julio Rosier made her skin feel as gross as Snape's hair looked- but just as she opened her mouth, the stone gargoyle guarding the stairs leapt aside once more, revealing Mum behind it. She was calmer than she had been when she ascended the stairs, with no traces of anger or fury lingering on her emotionless face.
"Professor Dumbledore is going to review this situation with Professor Snape and Professor Sprout," Mum coolly said as she walked toward them.
"Does that mean I don't have detention?" Tonks asked hopefully.
"I don't know," Mum replied with a frown.
She stopped in front of Tonks and stared at her. All of a sudden, Mum began to cry.
"I'm so sorry," she tearfully whispered, pulling Tonks up from the bench and into a tight hug. "I'm so sorry that you have to deal with things like this."
Tonks leaned into her mother's embrace, surprisingly not annoyed by Mum's long hair brushing against her cheek. She didn't normally like hugs, but Tonks could tell that for whatever reason, her mother needed one right now. But why had she apologized? It wasn't like Mum was the one forcing everyone else to make comments about their family. Or was she apologizing because she regretted how all of their lives had turned out?
Mum lowered her arms and stepped away from Tonks. "Right," she said, wiping the tears from her eyes. "We're going home. Nymphadora, please quickly pack your trunk and meet us in Professor Sprout's office in fifteen minutes."
"Wait," Tonks said, utterly discombobulated. Normally she would be both thrilled to leave school early and annoyed at her mother for using her full name, but this whole situation made no sense. "The Christmas holiday doesn't start for another couple days. Why am I going home early? Am I in trouble? Is Professor Dumbledore suspending me?"
Mum and Dad exchanged soft glances with each other. Dad's eyes narrowed at Mum, who then nodded. Tonks hated when her parents did this telepathic communication nonsense, and Merlin's saggy dress robes, did they do it often. However, Tonks reluctantly had to admit that neither of them actually could use telepathy, or so they claimed. Regardless, her parents' usage of nonverbal language made her feel left out of the conversation, which was particularly aggravating since it specifically involved her.
"You're not being suspended," Mum finally said.
"And you're not in trouble," Dad added. "At least, not with either of us."
"But-"
"You have permission from Professor Dumbledore to leave school early," her mother explained. "And I think it will be good for you to spend a couple extra days at home. Your father almost certainly agrees with me on this."
Dad nodded. "I doubt you're doing much in class for the next two days, and you can send any essays that are due by owl," he said with a smile. "Come home, Dora, it's much better when you're around."
"Okay," Tonks sighed, too bewildered and exasperated to question Dumbledore's decision further.
As she made her way back to her Hufflepuff dormitory, Tonks' unease continued to grow. Sure, Dad might have convinced her that both he and Mum wanted her, but he hadn't said anything about Mum wanting to be married to him. What if their sappy relationship was all a façade designed to trick Tonks into thinking that they wanted to be together? Was it possible that they actually couldn't stand each other?
Deep down, she knew that her questions bordered on nonsensical, but her anxiety and fears were so great that they quashed all logical reasoning. Yes, Mum had chosen to keep her, but what if over twelve years later she regretted that decision? Had it made her resentful in any way?
If Tonks weren't around, Mum might still talk to her family. Even though she knew that they weren't the nicest people, her mother probably still loved them. Tonks couldn't even imagine how lonely her life would be without Mum, Dad, her grandparents, and her aunts; knowing that her Mum gave up having a relationship with her family caused a cold wave of misery to wash over her.
Would Mum's life have been more fulfilling without her and Dad?
Trunk in hand, Tonks pondered this query as she wandered through the corridors to Professor Sprout's office. It wasn't a secret to her that her parents wanted more children. Every time Mrs. Weasley announced that she was pregnant, both Mum and Dad were sad for weeks, barely speaking or interacting with one another. But despite this visible shared want, Tonks had no siblings. What if Mum and Dad wanted more children, just not with each other? Is that why they avoided each other each time a friend's pregnancy occurred? The more she thought about it, the more Tonks convinced herself that her parents were only staying together for her own benefit, and that Mum had thrown away her life to raise her.
And that just made her feel even guiltier.
Despite being at home, the familiar objects and rooms didn't do much to comfort Tonks or improve her mood. Each little knick-knack on a side table or photograph on the walls was a reminder that, potentially, Mum was simply settling for what she had. The aspirations and dreams of her youth had been thrown aside, just like she had been by her family when she left them. As such, Tonks spent much of the next two days worried and upset, afraid that her existence had resulted in pain for both her parents. She had very little energy, and apart from changing the color of her eyes and the length of her hair, she didn't bother transforming her appearance all that much.
Her parents were also on edge. When he wasn't at work, Dad was being overly jolly, telling the corniest jokes he knew to try and get Tonks to laugh. He was also asking her to sit with him and Mum after dinner while they watched the news on the television, something Dad had never requested of her before.
Although Tonks knew that Dad probably just wanted her company, she couldn't help but think that maybe he felt bad about how their lives had ended up. No matter how close she sat to her father on the couch, his warmth and love seemed oceans away, unable to fill the gaping hole that now seemed to encompass her entire heart. He tried to hide it, but Dad's blue-gray eyes were stilted, much like the stuffy news anchors delivering boring stories about Muggle politics. Their normal cheerfulness had dimmed significantly, and Tonks was terrified that it would never return.
Mum's guilt at the entire situation was a lot more obvious. Despite Tonks being old enough to stay home by herself, her mother had taken the entire rest of the week off of work. She was making all of Tonks' favorite foods, such as Yorkshire pudding, macaroni and cheese, and even the absurdly rich chocolate cheesecake that was only reserved for special occasions. She even let Tonks help put up and decorate the Christmas tree one afternoon.
That decision had caused Tonks to wonder if Unspeakables- or maybe even aliens- had replaced her mother with a robot clone. Every year, as soon as Tonks broke a single ornament, her mother and father would banish her from the living room until the tree was decorated. Usually, Tonks was booted from decorating within five minutes of them starting, no matter how much she protested otherwise.
"We're not having a repeat of when you were four," Mum would say every year. "Within thirty seconds of us starting to decorate, you tripped and somehow broke sixteen ornaments that were still in the box and got tangled in the lights. And you knocked the tree over and the top of it caught fire. I love you, sweetheart, but I would prefer to still have the house standing when we're done."
But this time, Mum didn't say a word about any of that. Even though Tonks stumbled over the rug and broke an ornament mere moments after her mother brought the boxes of decorations down, Mum didn't ask her to leave. Instead, she silently pointed her wand at the shards on the floor and repaired the bauble before hanging it on the tree herself.
"Please be more careful, Nymphadora," she said, nonverbally summoning a star-shaped paper ornament that Tonks had made when she was six. Mum placed it on the tree. "I don't want you to get hurt."
Shocked at her mother's ambivalence, Tonks simply nodded, and they spent the next couple of hours in silence as they decorated the Christmas tree together.
While she very carefully removing each ornament from the box and delicately putting it on the tree, Tonks watched her mother, her face expressionless as she completed the same tasks, albeit far more fluidly and with significantly more grace. Current situation with Tonks aside, Mum certainly seemed to be content, but was she?
No matter how hard she tried, Tonks couldn't get it out of her head that her mother was settling for an unfulfilling life and that she was the reason for it. If Tonks didn't exist, would Mum still be on good terms with her family? Would she have a better job? Or maybe she would have married someone so rich she wouldn't have needed one? Would she have decided to have more children, instead of just one?
Tonks shuddered. Had Mum resigned herself to the life she now lived, secretly wishing for more? Sure, she might love Dad and Tonks now, but had that only developed over time, after spending years of her life as Andromeda Tonks? What would have happened if Mum had chosen to leave her and Dad behind?
Who would she have become?
"Nymphadora?" Mum asked, jerking Tonks away from her thoughts and back to reality. Startled, she dropped the ornament she was holding, its red glass shattering immediately upon hitting the floor.
"S-Sorry, Mum," Tonks stammered.
Mum once again pointed her wand at the fallen ornament and wordlessly repaired it. "It's alright," she said softly, handing the decoration back to her. "But I saw you shivering just now. Are you cold, sweetheart? I can get you a jumper or put a Warming Charm on the room."
Tonks shook her head. Mum's face was fraught with worry, and she pushed a lock of Tonks' limp brown hair out of her face.
"I'm fine, Mum," she replied, staring at her feet. "But thanks."
Her mother nodded, but looked unconvinced. Regardless, she turned back to the box of ornaments and continued decorating.
Even if she never said it out loud or gave any other indication of it, perhaps what Rosier had said was the truth: her parents were only together because of Tonks, and Mum longed for a different life, one where she still had her family.
"Well," Mum sighed, standing and placing her hands on her hips. "I think that's that."
Tonks looked up. The Christmas tree was covered in baubles and lights of all colors, its festive jubilation a sharp contrast to her current mood.
"And you only broke five ornaments," her mother smiled. "I think that's a new record for you."
Tonks spent the rest of the afternoon in her room, sulking on her bed.
She looked around her bedroom, studying her possessions. There were pictures of her with her family and friends on a corkboard on the wall above her desk, her entire Sneakoscope collection was laid out on one of the empty shelves of her bookcase, and her Quidditch figurines and Muggle cassette tapes sat atop her dresser. Weird Sisters posters and Hufflepuff banners adorned the marigold walls, and her old schoolbooks were in a pile on the chestnut carpet. Almost everything in this room had been given to her by her parents, who were always encouraging her hobbies and trying their best to learn about whatever she was interested in. Tonks was grateful to them for that; the thought that her very own mother might have given up not just her family, but her own hobbies and interests just so that Tonks could selfishly frolic about left a bitter taste in her mouth.
Three sharp knocks on Tonks' closed door pierced the heavy silence, and she sat up. Slowly, the door opened, and Mum peered through the frame.
"Is it alright if I come in?" she asked, frowning. She wore the same doleful expression from a few days prior, after Tonks had told her parents what Rosier had said to make her punch him. Mum's brown eyes were remorseful, and Tonks thought she could detect the barest hint of fury in them as well.
"Y-Yeah," Tonks replied.
Mum walked into the room and sat down next to Tonks on the bed. "I'm worried about you, sweetheart," she said as she placed her hand on Tonks' shoulder.
"You don't have to worry about me," Tonks said, pulling her knees up to her chest. "I'm fine."
"I'm your mother, Nymphadora. I'm always going to worry about you," Mum sighed. "And anyway, you're not fine. You haven't been using your Metamorphmagus abilities at all. And while your father and I love seeing your natural appearance, it's not who you are. You're the beautiful girl who makes her hair and eyes every color of the rainbow all at once, just because you can. And the fact that you haven't done so since you've been home means that something's wrong."
Tonks groaned. Her mother was right. "I just haven't really felt up to it," she admitted.
Mum smoothed Tonks' hair. "Please tell me what's upsetting you," she requested. "Let me help."
"Nothing's upsetting me."
"I don't believe you. Not when you've holed yourself up in here instead of running amok throughout the rest of the house. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."
Tonks sighed. Her mother was incredibly stubborn- a trait that Tonks had inherited- and she would willingly wait hours on this bed until Tonks told her everything. Mum was a force to be reckoned with once she'd decided on something, and Tonks didn't have the energy to fight her. And in truth, it was a good thing; Tonks knew that the longer she bottled up her worries about her mother's choices surrounding her birth, the more despondent she would become. At least by being honest about what was bothering her, Tonks could rip the band aid off her heart and confront her fears instead of living in an uncomfortable state of limbo.
"The other day, when we were outside Dumbledore's office," she began shakily. "Dad said that you left your family because… because of me. And after all the stuff I've heard, not just from that prat Rosier, but the people who sometimes whisper at us when we go out to Diagon Alley, I was thinking… well, I just thinking that maybe it would be better for you if I didn't exist at all. You wouldn't have had to give up your own mum and dad. And you'd probably be happier."
Tears began to pool in Mum's eyes. "Oh, sweetheart," she mumbled, reaching over and hugging her tightly. It was comforting, and Tonks felt very safe and loved in her mother's embrace, but just as soon as it began, Mum pulled away, thrusting Tonks back into the icy blizzard of her panicked emotions.
Mum wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her robes and removed all emotion from her face. She stared at the floor as she nervously played with the creases of the pink bed sheets, but apart from her slightly shallow breathing, she was silent. The lack of conversation made Tonks uneasy, and she began to fidget with her sock while she counted the fiber clusters of the pile chestnut carpet. Neither activity brought her any relief.
"My life wouldn't have been better without you," Mum said softly as Tonks counted her one hundred and third carpet cluster. "I am very happy you exist, Nymphadora. Beyond happy."
"But you had to leave your family because-"
"-because they were terrible people that wanted to control me," Mum finished as she turned to look at her. "I was always going to walk away from them and marry your father, which my parents never would have accepted. Your dad and I had been slowly planning my escape for over a year before it finally happened. Yes, finding out that I was pregnant certainly expedited that process, but it wasn't the only reason I left. However, you and Dad are what gave me the courage to walk away, something I will always be grateful and love you for."
Tonks was surprised. She'd never realized that her mother had thought about her that way. Feeling a rush of affection for her, Tonks scooted closer to her and leaned her head on her shoulder.
"I loved my parents and sisters," Mum continued as she placed her arm around Tonks. "And I probably always will, regardless of their awful ideas about the world. But they aren't my family, Nymphadora, you and your father are. And I'd pick you two over the rest of them every time."
Tonks bit her lower lip as she tried to reconcile Mum's words with her own thoughts on what it would be like to walk away from her family for good.
"I guess I just don't really understand," she finally said. "I can't imagine leaving you or Dad or Grandma and Grandpa behind. I don't think I'd ever want that. It sounds so miserable."
Mum gazed at her sadly. "You're very lucky, you know," she stated. "You have what I didn't- a family that loves and supports whatever you want to do, no matter what. My parents weren't like that. They had grand designs for mine and my sisters' futures, and they only supported our dreams if they aligned with their plans for us. Anything that went against their views was forbidden, even if whatever it was brought us happiness. And, of course, they supported the Dark Lord, which I could never agree with."
Tonks nodded. Most of her knowledge of her mother's family had been based on comments that Mum had made in passing or gleaned from conversations between her parents that she definitely wasn't supposed to hear. Still, though, Tonks had been aware that the Black family hated Muggles and had enthusiastically supported You-Know-Who during the war, donating gold to him and fighting alongside his supporters. And even though Mum never really talked about her sisters much, she knew that Aunt Narcissa had married a Death Eater. Furthermore, and Aunt Bellatrix had been a Death Eater and was currently serving a life sentence in Azkaban for her crimes.
Tonks shivered; thinking about how Mum's family would wholeheartedly support murdering her goofy and harmless Dad- as well as her Muggle grandparents, aunts, and uncles- made her want to throw up.
"They expected me to quit my job so I could manage my future husband's home," Mum continued softly, twirling a strand of her hair around her pointer finger. "My parents planned on setting up a betrothal contract between myself and someone of their choosing- someone who shared their same views about the wizarding world. And I didn't want that. I didn't want to end up like Julio Rosier's parents, stuck in a marriage that benefited everyone but me. I didn't want to quit my job or be around people who viewed those who were different from them as lesser. But most of all, I didn't want to continue living a life where I wasn't allowed to make my own choices or do what made me happy."
"Like marrying Dad?" Tonks asked hopefully.
A wide grin spread across Mum's face and her eyes brightened with joy. "Like marrying Dad," she confirmed. "Once I realized I was pregnant though, I had to think about you too. I wanted to make sure that you would have a home and family full of love and acceptance. I didn't have that growing up, and I wasn't going to risk putting you in that same abusive environment. I refused to put you in a position where you felt like you had to hide parts of yourself away because someone else might not accept it. In truth, I actually feel quite bad for that Rosier boy. In another universe, you share his fate: forced to conform to the standards of pureblood society, and unable to explore himself and his ambitions fully for fear of being disowned."
Tonks suspected that Mum had compared her life to Rosier's in order to make her feel better, but it had done the opposite. It brought back the memory of his taunt that she was the only reason her parents were still together. And while both Mum and Dad had all but directly stated that this wasn't the case, Tonks' lack of siblings and her parents' evident desire for more caused her to question their words.
Mum frowned. "Something's still bothering you," she said. "What is it?"
Tonks shifted away from her mother and leaned back against the wall. "Well," she started nervously. "It's just… you and Dad both get sad when your friends announce that they're having more kids. And like, it's super obvious that you both want another baby. But it's just us three. And part of me wonders if life isn't going the way you thought it would when you got married. Maybe you want another baby, you don't want one together. Because deep down, you're unhappy."
"Like I told you before, I'm very happy," Mum replied unconvincingly. "Yes, your father and I would have liked more children, we're content with the way things are."
"Then why don't I have any siblings?"
Mum leaned back against the wall, mirroring Tonks. "I can't," she said quietly, staring at the ceiling.
Tonks was confused. "W-What do you mean?" she asked. She was so nervous that she could hear her heart pounding in her head. It was so loud that she was surprised that her mother couldn't hear it too.
"I can't have any more children," Mum explained, a tear falling down her cheek. "My body can't handle another baby."
Tonks froze. She had never considered the possibility that her parents couldn't have more children, only that for whatever reason, they wouldn't. Tonks felt awful for pushing her mother to discuss what was undoubtedly a very painful topic, and she curled up into a little ball, completely ashamed of herself.
"If we tried again, the baby and I would probably both once I went into labor," Mum sniffed, wiping her tears away. "That is, assuming that I didn't lose the baby long before then."
Mum reached her tearstained hand out and touched Tonks' face. "I almost lost you too," she remarked softly, gently stroking her cheek. "And then when you were born, your father almost lost both of us at the same time."
So many emotions were swirling in Tonks' head. She was overjoyed that her lingering doubts and fears about her family were unfounded, but upset that her mother had experienced so much pain in her life. She was filled with so much love for both her parents and wanted nothing more to snuggle with them forever, but she was also somewhat angry that neither of them had ever spoken to her about the circumstances of her birth before. She was glad that she and Mum had survived and didn't want to think about a world where neither of them existed and Dad was left alone.
Tonks didn't know how to relay all of these complex feelings to her mother, and thankfully, she was saved from responding when Mum spoke again.
"I am so incredibly happy, Nymphadora," she said. "Unequivocally so. I love you and your father so much that I can't put it into words. And I love my life too- it's the kind of life I dreamed of having as a child. But I'm so, so sorry that your father and I brought you into a world where you have to hear rumors about your existence from people who don't know the truth about it. I realize that we should have told you about how you came to be long before now, and I sincerely apologize for not understanding how this has impacted you. I guess that I was foolishly hoping that the gossip about us wouldn't matter."
What Mum said was logical and made sense to Tonks, but she didn't get why Mum thought other people's opinions about them were irrelevant. At Hogwarts, how one was perceived was extremely important. Tonks herself always triple checked her appearance in the morning; if she one day walked into the Great Hall unknowingly looking like the feminine incarnation of Snape, it would be social suicide. Rumors would spread, she would be teased mercilessly by the Slytherins, and quite possibly, her friends would think she was uncool. They might never want to hang out with her again!
"Why wouldn't what people say about us matter?" Tonks asked.
"Because it doesn't matter," Mum answered firmly. "Everything that the Rosier boy and everyone else has said is untrue, apart from the fact that you were conceived out of wedlock. And even then, that doesn't matter either, despite what gossipy witches want to think. You weren't some careless mistake that Dad and I ever regretted, Nymphadora. I know it sounds horribly cheesy, but you're here because of how deeply we love each other. I'd hoped we communicated that to you with our actions toward each other, as well as toward you."
Tonks felt her face flush with embarrassment. "Yeah, but don't you care what other people think of you and Dad?" she questioned. "Doesn't it hurt when they say mean things?
Mum shook her head. "Not anymore, no," she answered, moving on the bed slightly. "At first, right after your father and I got married, it hurt a lot. People would whisper and point at us every time we went out, and the things they said were much crueler than what I hear now. But very quickly, I realized that what strangers thought of our marriage wasn't important. Anyone who was important to us knew the truth and was supportive. All that mattered to me was that they didn't insult you or your father."
She took a deep breath before continuing. "'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,'" she murmured.
Tonks was taken aback by her mother's use of the popular Muggle expression. "Snape said the same thing the other day," she remarked. "He said that I should think about it instead of punching people."
"Professor Snape, Nymphadora," her mother chastised. "He's right, you know. You'll be much happier if you ignore the gossip and mean-spirited comments thrown your way. But I appreciate that it's not exactly the same for you, and I understand why you might feel the need to respond."
"You do?"
"I remember being your age," Mum smiled. "Image was everything and being seen in a negative light- or in my case, being viewed as a blood traitor- could have had devastating consequences, both among my peers, and at home. Making sure that everyone approved and had a certain image of me was important, and sometimes that meant pushing back on what people said about me when I probably shouldn't have. And while it's obviously a bit different for you, I can empathize with your experience since I was a young woman once too."
Silence fell between them. Tonks didn't know what she was supposed to say; all she knew what that she was glad that her mother recognized how Rosier's and others' words made her feel.
Mum shifted on the bed. "Again, I'm sorry for never discussing any of this with you before now," she continued. "To me, it was far more important that you learned to judge people based on their actions, not their reputation. And I just wanted you to have a happy childhood without worrying about anything. But I realize now that the way we chose to handle this hurt you more than it helped. Can you forgive me? And your father?"
Tonks immediately nodded. Mum and Dad may have gone about it the wrong way, but she now understood that they had only been trying to protect her and give her a normal life. "Of course, Mum," she said. "I forgive you."
Tonks scooted closer to her mother and wrapped her arms around her, relaxing when she felt her mother reciprocate.
"Don't make fun of me or tell Dad I asked, but can we just stay like this for a while?" she mumbled into Mum's chest. "Please?"
Her mother laughed. "Of course, sweetheart," she agreed. "And don't worry, I won't tell Dad that you're secretly a cuddly Kneazle. Your secret is safe with me."
"Mum! You're not helping!"
"Alright, alright. I'll be quiet now."
For the rest of the day, Tonks sat in the living room with the television on. She wasn't really watching; instead, she was paying attention to the sounds her mother was making in the kitchen. From the beating of eggs to the clanging of pans, Tonks suspected that she was making yet another cake.
When Dad finally got home from work, Tonks turned off the television and leapt up from the couch. She gave him a big hug as soon as he came through the front door, not at all embarrassed by what she would normally consider to be a childish action.
"Your hair is pink," he said, relief washing over his face as he grinned at her. "I'm glad."
"Yeah," she mumbled, feeling guilty for stressing him out over her own insecurities. "I'm okay now, Dad. Sorry for worrying you."
Dad chuckled. "You don't have to apologize for that, Dora," he replied, stepping back and taking his jacket off. He placed it on the coatrack by the door. "Whenever something's bothering you, I want to know about it so I can try to help. I'll always be here to listen to your problems, okay? You don't have to try to solve everything on your own or hide how you feel."
"Thanks, Dad," Tonks smiled as warm contentment spread through her chest.
"But enough about that," her father said. "I actually have some good news for you."
"What is it?"
Dad beamed at her. "I received an owl from Professor Sprout while I was at work," he explained, his stormy eyes mischievous. "Your detention has been reduced to only a week, and you'll serve it when you go back to Hogwarts. Also, Julio Rosier now has a month of detention."
"Woohoo! That's the best news ever!" Tonks cheered. She spun around and jumped in the air, tripping over her feet and landing on the floor with a crash. "I can't believe it!" she added as she sprang to her feet. Tonks turned around, finding that her mother had materialized in the room and was against the doorway to the corridor.
"While I certainly can't fault you for your reaction this time, you really need to stop getting in detention so much," Mum said, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "It could really impact your future, Nymphadora. You could be blocked from certain jobs if they look at your record and see all those detentions. I don't want you to pick a career and then find out you can't do it because you and your friends pulled too many pranks on people."
Dad winked at her. "You still have a bit of time until you have to decide what you want to be when you grow up," he grinned. "Getting in a little trouble is to be expected. I did it and turned out fine, after all."
Mum gave him a stern look, an obvious indication that she disapproved of his statement.
"Er, on second thought, your mother is right," Dad nervously chuckled, running his hand through his light hair. "Try to stay out of trouble for the rest of the year, okay? Too many detentions isn't a good thing."
Tonks harrumphed and opened her mouth to retort, but stopped herself, realizing that she was exceedingly lucky when compared to some of her classmates, such as Julio Rosier.
If Tonks got in trouble or talked back to her parents, yes, she might lose her broom privileges or get grounded, but those consequences seemed trivial compared to what Rosier probably faced when he misbehaved. It didn't matter what she did; even when Tonks acted out, her parents still loved and supported her. She would always have a place to sleep and a shoulder to cry on, and she knew that Mum and Dad would never turn her away, even if they didn't approve of what she was doing. Their love for her was unconditional and everlasting.
But if what Mum had told her was correct- that Rosier was living the life that she had experienced when she was young- then he didn't have that luxury. If he didn't act the way his parents wanted, they would punish him severely and might even disown him. Each action he took, each decision that he made, could lead to his world turning upside down if his mother and father perceived it to go against the ideals that their family held as sacred. It wasn't safe for him to get angry at home; perhaps that was why he instead lashed out at others at school. Perhaps it gave Rosier a sense of control that he otherwise lacked.
Maybe that was why he was so bitter and mean all the time. Maybe Dad was right about Rosier being jealous of her.
And once again, Tonks found herself feeling bad for him.
She glanced back and forth at her parents, both of whom were smiling at her lovingly. Dad winked at her again and went over to Mum by the doorway, embracing her before kissing her on the lips so exuberantly that Tonks felt the sudden need to puke. She opened her mouth to make fun of them, but stopped herself again.
The weight of her conversation with her mother earlier that afternoon had finally hit her. Mum had walked away from everything she had known so that she could make her own decisions, such as keeping her job and snogging Dad in particularly embarrassing fashions whenever she pleased. But by leaving her family, Mum had also given Tonks the most important gift in life she possibly could: the ability to make her own choices.
Both she and Mum were free to do whatever they wanted in life, and she knew that Dad would gleefully cheer them on in both of their endeavors, just like they would for him. It was wonderful to realize that her family was built on such love and support, and it was quite sad to think that Julio Rosier might never get to experience the same thing.
Regardless, Tonks also realized that her mother had been correct: the petty words of people who didn't know her family and hadn't lived their experiences didn't matter at all. Rosier and the nosy gossips of Diagon Alley could make untrue comments about Tonks and her family all they wanted, but it couldn't change the fact that her family cared about each other more than anything else. So what if people looked at her weirdly or pitied her for made up reasons? Tonks had the rest of her life to convince the entire wizarding world that she was a good person through her choices and actions, which seemed far more meaningful than the silly preconceptions of middle-aged rumormongers.
And anyone who put the latter before the former wasn't worth her time.
"Nymphadora?" her mother asked, interrupting Tonks' thoughts. Mum had moved away from Dad and was walking toward her. "Is something wrong? You have an odd expression on your face."
"And you didn't make any comments about me kissing your mum," Dad snorted as he sauntered behind her, his hands stuffed in his pockets. "I was expecting another lecture on cooties. Or gagging noises, at the very least."
Tonks grinned, so very thankful that her parents' own choices in life had led to the life she now experienced: one of joy, love, and freedom.
"Nothing's wrong," she said. "Everything is just right."
And as long as they had each other, she knew it always would be.
This was originally a cut scene in Chapter 73 of my other story, Far Beyond the Stars. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that not only did it not have a place there, but it really needed to be told from Tonks' perspective and not either of her parents.
Thank you to everyone for reading, and I hope you enjoyed the story!
See you next dream~