Two Stages of Grief

I don't own Bones

"Losing a loved one is-

A partner, Sweets. I lost a partner."

She couldn't move. She couldn't react. She couldn't talk. Angela wanted to take her away from all of this. She grabbed her arm to support her

"Come on sweetie."

Brennan is out of the world. Her brain and movements weren't cooperating right now. Angela dragged Brennan to the car and Hodgins and her take Brennan away from the hospital as far as they can.

She would come home from work every night with Booth. He was insistent on usually being the one to drive the car himself but Hodgins was at the wheel tonight. It was an unusual night for Temperance but she didn't want to think any of it right now.

When they reached the Brennan's door, Angela touched Brennan's arm in a sad and caring manner. Everyone seemed to feel sorry for her. Was it just her loss? Even though she was partnered with Booth, they were all friends, co-workers at least. Brennan should not have received this special treatment. Like all of them, she had lost a co-worker, but the others acted as if the loss belongs solely to Brennan. It wasn't. If she has lost his partner, the FBI lost their agents, and squints lost their G-man as well.

"Are you sure you want to be alone, sweetie? I can stay if you want" asked Angela.

She knew her best friend and was thinking about her friend's well-being. But Brennan only said;

"Yes."

She didn't want anyone in her side; she just wanted to be alone. Like before she met Booth. Just like what will happen from now on.

"Yes. Okay, I won't insist. But you don't have to be alone." Angela paused for a second "You are not alone."

Angela reminded that to her but Brennan just nodded. She looked away from Angela and closed the door. Hodgins looked at Angela, standing next to him.

"We shouldn't let her like this"

Angela knows her friend really well.

"No, she should do this, in her own terms. Come on…" They left Brennan's apartment while hugging each other.

Brennan didn't even shed a single tear but she's not as cold as everyone assumes. She knew that. Most of all Booth knew that. He knew her very well. And if he were here, he would understand how she feels right now.

She entered her house but found herself still standing in front of the door. Normally she would take off her jacket and sit on her couch as soon as she entered. Not this time. There was blood on her jacket. Slowly, she looked at her hands, and there was blood there too. It's his, not hers. Brennan held back tears for a moment but as she moved toward her couch, noticed something on it. She stared blankly for a while with her deep blue eyes and walked slowly to the couch. It was Booth's FBI jacket lying there. She froze for a moment. They used to go to work together every day, come back together, even go for drinks together. She had become so accustomed to him being a part of her life that she hadn't even noticed he left his jacket here.

Her first thought was "Booth is gone."

She embraced the jacket and suddenly slumped into the couch. She was carefully examining the FBI inscription on the jacket. After thinking about how well suited Booth, she slowly brought the jacket closer to her chest. She knew the connection established with lifeless objects was meaningless. This jacket wasn't Booth. Hugging this jacket wasn't the same hugging Booth. She was aware but her logic wasn't with her. The jacket smelled just like him. Brennan held onto that.

She didn't even believe in grieving. Death had been a natural process since the beginning of humanity. She, too, would die. She wasn't afraid of that. She lost a partner. That's all. She's forcing herself to believe it, but she knew she was deceiving herself. For the first time in a long while, she truly trusted someone. In the company of this irrational man whom she could never fully comprehend, she was happier than she had ever been. Brennan couldn't explain her feelings with anything she knew.

"It makes no sense. But it felt right."

She wrote that down when she was buried alive by Gravedigger.

"Booth will never be able to read this letter"

She started crying, thinking he'll never know what she feel for him.

When she was very young, she was abandoned. Her mother, father, brother – her entire family had left her. She had witnessed the deaths of countless people, whether she knew them or not. On top of it all, she had learned that her mother had been murdered. She knew what it meant to lose. It wouldn't be the first loss in the world, nor the last. So why was she crying so much?

She was all alone, again.

Brennan had fallen asleep on the couch with Booth's jacket in her lap. She woke up in the middle of the night, screaming. In her dream she couldn't save Booth. Upon waking, she briefly thought "it's not real, it was a nightmare." But reality instantly pulled her in. Would she sit there until morning? That's not like her. Would she go to the lab? Or would she work so hard on a forgotten island to the point of losing herself, escaping from all this reality? For the first time, she had no idea what to do. For now, she would wait for the morning right where she was.

When the doorbell rang, it was 7.00 am in the morning. Brennan wondered who could come at this hour on such a day. She paused in her couch for a little while and hoping it was Booth, she ran to the door. Really ran. For a moment, she thought there was a mistake, that Booth was alive and had come to explain everything. When she excitedly opened the door, she saw Angela standing there. Angela couldn't sleep from worrying about Brennan; she had come to see her.

"Hi sweetie. Can I come in?"

Despite Brennan's attempts to conceal her disappointment and sorrow, she couldn't succeed. Entering the house with Angela was an option, but Brennan didn't want that. Not now. She thought "I need to leave the house." And immediately spoke:

"Yes but I was about to leave."

"To where sweetie?" Angela looks worried.

"I'm going to the lab." She said it in a calm and usual tone, pretending to be fine. Angela was still worried.

"Lab? You sure?"

"Yes, Angela. Those remains need our help. I still have a job to do, so do you." She didn't know what remains she was talking about. Some remains. She had no idea actually.

"I know but maybe a couple days-"

With a sudden outburst, Brennan silenced Angela

"No! I couldn't do that. People die. All day. Why should this be different from the others?"

While saying that, she knew very well why he was different. She was facing her pain in her own way. Deep down, she didn't want others to feel the pain she felt.

"Why? Because he was your partner."

"He's gone. But I'm still here which I shouldn't be."

Angela looked at Brennan again with those pained eyes

"No, it's not your fault, hey…"

Angela could see Brennan's pain. She knew Brennan was acting this way to protect herself, and unable to bear it any longer, she hugged Brennan tightly. Brennan hugged her back desperately, crying as well. As she said

"It should've been me" her voice was so frail and helpless.

Angela embraced Brennan as if she would never let her go again but Brennan continued her words without holding back her tears

"No! I didn't want his protection Angela. He shouldn't have done this" her voice cracked while she was sobbing in Angela's arms. She couldn't resist the emotions within anymore.