"...she would not eat, nor bathe, nor leave her chambers, and she could no longer stand to look upon her son, knowing that she had named him to die." - Fire & Blood
…
"How is she?" Aegon asked Alicent, and she could only weep.
"Not doing any better. Spending her time whispering to herself, drawing on her walls, minding needle and thread all throughout the night. Aegon, please help me," his mother pleaded, looking up at him with tears welling on her big brown eyes. He hated those eyes. "Even I cannot get through to her. She has always followed you, as her husband and brother. You might still reach her."
He himself couldn't face his own shame. He has failed her as king, as husband, as brother. He should fall on his knees for her forgiveness, but the rare times they pass each other in the stairways and halls he could only stand stiff and look away. As the weeks passed, he heard that she was eating less and less, not letting any of her maids touch her or feed her.
She still stayed in her childrens' room, and Jaehaera has been under the care of Alicent and her servants. As the days pass, her words have turned dark, her eyes indiscernible, as if seeing visions of doomed pasts and futures. Her embroidery was once full of colorful insects and birds. Now they were a jagged mess, of bloody battles and watchful eyes. So many eyes that stare through the cloth.
"I will try, mother," he said. She has already suffered enough and he will do what he can, even if nothing can ever make up for the death of their son.
?
"Call the queen to her king's bed," he ordered one of his knights. "Tell them to give her a bath and a change of clothes. Tell them it's an order."
This is the first time he's called Helaena to his bed. Just as his father did to his mother, all those years ago. As it was custom, her ladies had assumed this was for him to bed her and resume the duty of conceiving a son in place of Jaehaerys. That was the last thing he had in mind. Helaena has stopped caring for herself, and maybe this was the only way she would let them clean her and at least get her to change her clothes. She has not yet taken off her mourning dress, her hair still in the same braids as the day of their son's funeral. She sat on the floor, drawing dragons on it.
"The King has called for you to his bed, your grace," her lady bowed. "He has given us instructions to clean you. Please, let us," she pleaded. It was unpleasant and sad to see her like this. She would not let anyone touch her now, she flinched or slapped their hands away.
"For duty, isn't it?" she looked up from her drawings. "Always for duty and sacrifice, isn't it…" she continued, but this time she did not protest when her maids held her and led her to stand. They took off her gown, now quite loose from the weight she's lost from days of not eating. They carefully led her to the bath scented with lavender oils, wiped her skin clean, feeling sharp bones against flesh.
They wiped her dry and massaged rose-scented creams to her limbs, to make her soft to his touch. For her it felt like being rubbed with chemicals to slow the rot of a dead body. They brushed her hair until it shone like beaten silver and oiled her scalp in scents, in smells that awakened a man's desires. It was like brushing the hair of a corpse to prepare her for her coffin. They carefully tint her lips and cheeks in milk-pink innocence, powder her face as to hide the shadows on her cheeks and the hollows beneath her eyes. As if she was being prepared for her own funeral and Aegon's bed would be her casket.
They dress her in a sheer gown that shows just enough to entice, midnight blue that shone silver when moonlight grazes it. What used to be curves that boast of motherhood - breasts that have had an abundance of milk, hips enough to house twins - now skin and bones, eaten away by grief. It was as if she was a child of thirteen again, called to serve her brother as a wife would a husband.
They led her to his door and to his bed. Aegon was seated in front of his fireplace, watching as they silently lay her down. Good, at least she had a change of clothes. He will not touch her and burden her with the duty - he will only make her sleep. When the ladies left, he approached the bed. Her hollow eyes stare at him, doesn't seem to recognize that it was him in front of her.
"Drink, Helaena," he said, placing a concoction of wine, milk of the poppy, and a sleeping medicine the Maester has prepared in a glass to her hands. He had requested for something to calm her and lessen her sleepless nights.
Six, was it seven years ago? Five? He said the same words to her, their first night together in marriage. He made her drink and he drowned himself in wine as to not be aware when they did the act. She ended up falling asleep and he passed out drunk. They managed to do their duty the next night, when they drank just enough to lose their inhibitions but not to lose all their senses. He had thought he would hate it, he wouldn't be able to do it. He didn't expect her desire, her willingness.
She drank it and the effect was quick, she closed her eyes and lay her head down. He went back to his chair by the fire. Aegon twisted the silver ring on his finger, weeping in front of the fire again, remembering their son's laughter, his perfect face and innocent smile. Helaena continued sleeping, her face peaceful after so many sleepless nights. As if she were dead, and they have prepared her for her funeral.
He can't bear to look at her. They dressed her in a beautiful see-through dress the color of midnight that shone silver in the light, but he can only see how thin she's become. He doesn't sleep beside her. He can't sleep easily now, after the night their son died. He slumps on the wooden chair instead, no one and nothing beside him for comfort but his wine.
?
He calls her to his bed, nightly now. They would clean her, clothe her in silk, and lead her to his bed. After weeks, the shadows in her eyes have lessened.
After another council meeting, Alicent is the last to leave.
"Thank you, Aegon. She's not yet back to her old self, but she's doing a bit better." By day, she was still lost in her visions, but she wasn't crying as much as before. She silently observes her insects and even eats the food they bring her. When she looks at reminders of Jaehaerys - his clothes or his toys - she doesn't cry anymore, but smiles at the memory of her son instead.
Alicent still couldn't reach her. Alicent calls her, embraces her, but Helaena doesn't seem to be aware of it. Helaena was always a girl lost in her own world, but this time it seemed like she had retreated inside it so far within herself that no words could reach her.
?
Her ladies bathe her and cover her with pleasant smells. They dress her and deliver her body to Aegon's bed every night now. Aegon would sometimes sit beside her, caress her face or kiss her brow. Even these small affections don't last, he would feel so much guilt at the sight of her. He never touches her beyond that. The ladies have placed roses, red and white, above her pillow. Sometimes, it would be lavenders, or chrysanthemums. As if she was already a dead girl being mourned, and his bed was her hearse. Maybe she already was - dead. All she knows is she might as well be.
When she wakes here, Aegon isn't there.
She was a walking corpse pretending to be alive. It makes them smile, it makes them relieved. She carries on with the habits of her old life - tending to her insects, drawing gibberish dreams into paper and weaving nightmares on her fabrics. The visions are louder than ever, beating around her mind like prisoners begging to be let out. The sound of horns declaring war, dragons flying over dead armies, and the worst of all - she would give birth to a second son, and they will be happy for a while maybe, and he will be taken away also.
She had decided.
There was only one way to end this.
"Where is Jaehaera?" she asked, her first coherent words after almost a month. Her maid wept that she has spoken like her old normal self again, and they called for the princess. Jaehaera runs to her arms and she carries her up her arms so she can kiss her daughter for one last time. Helaena was grateful that she was too young to realize it. They simply said to the girl that her brother was gone, far away, that he was safe and sound.
"I came to say goodbye," Helaena said to her, smiling.
"Why, where are you going, mother?"
"Some place far away…"
?
Today was another ordinary day, a day of no importance. A perfect day to die.
She wakes up in Aegon's bed and resumes her routine. She goes to the Dragonpit and unchains her dragon. Dreamfyre watched her quietly, and Helaena touched her. She lay her head on the great beast and whispered precise instructions. The dragon whimpered, as if crying. Helaena held her, remembering their first flight together, the halcyon days of flying with her brothers and the incomparable feeling of soaring through the skies.
She will fly Dreamfyre tonight for the last time. Then Helaena would set her dragon free.
She returns to the Red Keep, the castle that has been her home and her prison for her short life. She passes by the hallways and glimpses Aegon, Alicent, Criston, and members of his council together. This is the last time she will see them.
She visits Jaehaera in her room and she was grateful the child was sleeping. She hurried away to stop herself, for if her daughter smiles and laughs at her she might stop herself from her careful plan.
?
Tonight was also an ordinary night. She lets them bathe her again and this time, they are actually preparing her mortal body for her own funeral.
She lets them lead her again to Aegon's chambers, but he was not there, which was just right for what she was planning to do. On the bedside table, the wine glass that usually contains the drink he gives her nightly is empty. After they have gone, she gets up from the bed to go out of the room and walks to the great windows of the Keep.
The stars have never been brighter. The moon is full and heavy. Dreamfyre loved flying on nights like these. She would let her dragon have this one last gift.
She climbs up the window and stands. Here, she was so high up. She could see the city spread below her, looking small from this distance.
She spreads her arms out, feeling the night wind as it caresses her arms, making the sleeves and skirt of her dress flutter. The midnight blue dress seemed to float around her in the cool breeze.
She stares at the full moon. She will fly herself to her own death, to a wilderness no one knows, for the abyss to claim her body so it would not be paraded through the streets of the city. She will bury herself, and disappear into nothing. She had to go. She had to fly.
She can see her dragon going nearer, from the distance, silent as a dream and dark as the night.
"Queen Helaena!" she hears the screams of her ladies and knights, and she leaps before any of them could reach her.
She falls.
They scream.
She flies.
Dreamfyre catches her just in time, the dragon folding her into her wings. She climbs up to her saddle as her dragon flies up to the stars, her dress flying in the wind.
?
Aegon has been restless all day - from decisions to be made, the ongoing war, and something else he could not name. There was the feeling that a bad thing was about to happen, but he couldn't place it. He didn't go to bed at his usual time, having stayed in Criston's chambers as they plotted the placement of their armies and what to expect in the coming days.
Helaena. He hasn't seen her all day since morning, when he left his room.
At this time, her ladies must have put her to bed in his chambers already, but he felt unsettled. Then, he heard the knights and servants screaming her name. He hurriedly climbed up the stairs, only to find them staring out the windows.
Helaena had fled on dragonback.
He can see her silhouette against the moon - getting smaller and smaller as she flies farther away. Criston, who also sensed something was off, followed shortly after him. Alicent, who also heard the commotion, rushed outside her chambers to join them.
"No," Alicent said, crying now. "Where is Aemond? He can follow Helaena with Vhagar -"
"No," Aegon interrupted her. "I'll go."
"Not you, Aegon, who knows if there are enemies just outside of King's Landing, ready to strike at the first sight of you. You're vulnerable."
"No, mother! I already made a mistake. Not anymore. I will bring her back. I think I know where she'll go."
He faced one of his knights and ordered, "Send word to the dragon keepers to unchain Sunfyre."
So close was the bond between Aegon and Sunfyre that the dragon could sense when his master needed him. A few moments later, the glint of the golden beast can be glimpsed coming from the Dragonpit, shining in the night sky as it flew to the Red Keep. Aegon climbs to the window and waits. The sound of great flapping wings approached, until Sunfyre arrived. Aegon leapt to his saddle with practiced ease. Before he left, he faced Alicent.
"I swear I will come back with her," he said, and the dragon turned to follow the direction Dreamfyre went. At this time, he could no longer see them in the sky. This night will not end until he finds her.
?
Helaena flies.
Across the seas and among the clouds, she can forget. She looks at the beauty of the world for one last time. The bays of King's Landing, the shores of Driftmark, and the dark beauty of Dragonstone. She flew for the last time, guided by the light of the moon.
She lands in a quiet place no one knows about. She would go here when she wanted to be alone. She would go here and spend the day with Dreamfyre. She would leave her dragon here, in this island of black cliffs rising above the dark ocean. The rocks are high and sharp, as if piercing the full moon.
As she climbs down, Dreamfyre growls sadly. Helaena caresses her face for one last time. "I have to do this."
She walks away and her dragon follows her.
"No, Dreamfyre! No more. Here, you are safe. I can see it, they will destroy you and kill you. Here, you are free to fly, to hunt. No longer chained. I have freed you."
Helaena walks away and never looks back. She runs up to the path leading to one of the sharp cliffs pointing to the moon like an accusing finger. It was still a long way up, and it would take awhile to get to the top, but it will be all over soon enough when she reaches it.
?
She was still so far away, but Aegon traced the familiar places and directions they flew. She glimpsed her far away and he followed, passing through Driftmark and Dragonstone. He knew where she would go, to that empty stone island bordered by high, dark cliffs against the ocean. He slowed down to land when he reached it, and saw Helaena's great dragon. As he went down with Sunfyre, Dreamfyre was letting out the saddest cries and growls. When it glimpsed them, she cried louder, as if calling for them.
Sunfyre landed and Dreamfyre's great eyes looked at him, and turned her head to the direction of Helaena, who was still far away and running up the path to the edge of a sharp cliff.
"Helaena! No," Aegon screamed, and directed Sunfyre to fly low so he can get nearer. Once Helaena was near enough, Sunfyre slowed down so he can jump off to reach her.
Helaena has almost reached the peak now. She stared at the drop in front of her, the water below. The water that would accept her, claim her, drown her.
She saw Sunfyre approaching from a distance. What was Aegon doing here?
She can hear him unmount his dragon as he follows her.
Everything seemed to slow down as she ran to the edge of the rock and jumped.
Except she didn't.
Her legs and body tethered over the edge, Aegon held her arm in a death grip and pulled her back. Aegon managed to drag her body with such force that she fell back to the rocks. Aegon then held her by the waist and held her body to his so he could carry her down.
"Don't stop me now, Aegon. This is the only way I can find relief," she said as her brother carried her harshly. As they reached a safer place, Aegon put her down but still did not let her go. He held her by the wrist, in a grip so hard she's sure it will bruise. Her heart started to race in fear at seeing the unbridled anger on his face as he glared at her. She realized that he had been crying - tears streaked his face, and his breathing was labored with contained rage.
"This is what you call relief? And leave me alone? Do you think you're the only one who suffers? I already lost a son, our son. If you leave me and Jaehaera, what use is everything?" he screams to the air. "If you choose to end this now. I will join you." She fights to let go, but Aegon was the stronger of them.
"No, Aegon. You are king, and you will find a wife that can give you sons for heirs. Mother will take care of our daughter. She's still young and she might still forget me. My story ends here," she said. Dreamfyre still cries and howls in the distance, calling for her.
"You will leave Dreamfyre bereft."
"Can't you see that I've set her free?"
"You cannot stop me. We might as well hold hands and die together. If you dare do this now."
"Please, grant me this last thing. Aegon. Let me go," she tried to get away from his grasp again, but Aegon's grip was unrelenting. A strong wave crashed against the rocks, hitting them, then another. Their clothes now sodden, hair wet and sticking to both their faces. The spaces in the sand and rocks beneath them filled with seawater.
"Never. I will not let go."
"If you save me now, I will only find a way."
"I'll chain you to myself then. I won't let you out of my sight ever again. Helaena, please, stay with me. You still have a daughter who needs you."
Wave after wave assaulted the rocks, falling like rain on both of them. Aegon held her against him and pushed his face to hers, kissing her hard. At first she resisted, but at Aegon's strength and insistence she gave in. Her tears flowed as she opened her mouth to receive him. Waves crash around them, soaking their clothes and their hair. Both their tears and seawater fall on their faces.
Aegon let go to look at her face, eyes filled with tears.
And for the first time since their son died, they hold each other, standing against the full moon and the stars, a raging sea below them. He holds her face against his shoulder and lets her cry her heart out. He is crying too, she can feel his tears falling on her skin.
"I miss him so much, Aegon."
"Me too. Not a day passes, not an hour passes, that I don't think of Jaehaerys. I have failed to protect him. And I have failed you."
"Please, Helaena. Live. Stay. For me and Jaehaera," Aegon begged.
Helaena nods. She remembers her daughter and her heart fills with joy again.
Helaena lets him holds her, all throughout the night. Hours seemed to pass, until the first rays of dusk glow in the distance, a whisper of gold in the dark night still filled with silver stars.
"Sunrise won't be long. We go home at the break of dawn."
They stand, watching the sun rise against the dark horizon. Soon, Sunfyre and Dreamfyre fly towards them to lead them home.
?
That night, Helaena goes to his chambers, alone this time. The fire is dead but moonlight shone through the sheer curtains, filling the room. Aegon is not sitting in his usual position but on the bed, already watching the door as if expecting her. He reaches out his hand and she takes it. She lets herself drown in his embrace.
Doom, war, tears may still be ahead of them - but for now, she chooses to stay. She chooses to live.