Regret. Regret. Regret.
That's all that was going through Taiya's head. It echoed relentlessly through her mind.
She couldn't believe Johanna had been able to manipulate her so easily into attending training.
It started at 7:30 am! An ungodly hour according to Taiya.
Johanna arrived with Katniss to bash on hers and Finnick's door at 7:00 am, just knowing Taiya wouldn't be awake.
And Finnick, the traitor, had just mumbled "haha" before rolling over and going back to sleep.
Johanna and Katniss were full of energy, ready to ace training and immediately be approved to go to the Capitol.
Oh, how their egos deflated when they realised they'd all been assigned to a training group with young teenagers. An audible grumble from Johanna filled the air, expressing her frustration.
"What the hell is Plutarch playing at?" Johanna voiced her discontent as they surveyed their youthful peers.
Taiya, attempting to lift Johanna's spirits, offered, "Hey, they're only young, you can wipe the floor with them, Joseph," Taiya tried to cheer her up.
"True," Johanna nodded, her determination flickering back to life. "We'll show Plutarch what us victors can do," she declared, nudging Katniss with a newfound resolve.
Taiya at least knew what to expect in training. She had grown up attending the academy in Four after all, and that gave her some advantages. Granted her earlier days in the academy were often filled with playful antics alongside friends. But ever since Tyler had taken her on as a pet project and began training her, her fitness levels had been excellent. Admittedly, her physical prowess had taken a hit during her sedentary months in the Capitol and more recently in District 13.
So she was not looking forward to training. It was going to be difficult. Even knowing this though, she still agreed with Johanna's sentiments, Taiya couldn't help but feel a blow at her ego at being placed in the lowest-level training session. It seemed a bitter irony - they'd survived the Hunger Games twice, only to find themselves in the lowest tier.
"Everyone already approved to go to the Capitol is in a separate group," Katniss told them. "Gale's there."
"Alright," Taiya pointed a finger in Katniss' face. "Listen here, swamp potato. Gale is officially banned from conversation here."
"What do you have against Gale?" Katniss had to smirk.
"He's irksome," Taiya replied casually. What more reason did you need?
Katniss just chuckled, her expression soon shifting into a frown. "Hang on a second, how did you know Katniss meant swamp potato?"
A mischievous grin adorned Taiya's face. "You can thank our super cool bread boy for that," she shared. He'd told her last night when she'd popped in to check on him.
"Great," Katniss mumbled. Taiya wasn't going to let that go.
"Alright. Listen up," a middle-aged woman called them to attention. She had an air of stern authority, a demeanour that was not to be messed with. "My name is Soldier York, and you will address me as such every time we speak."
"Ow," Taiya hissed, giving Johanna a nudge. "You stood on my foot!"
"Did not," Johanna retaliated, shoving her right back.
Soldier York, not one to tolerate disruptions, addressed the bickering pair. Taiya and Johanna both looked over at the woman staring at them, unimpressed and devoid of any friendly inclination.
"Is there a problem ladies?" Soldier York questioned, her tone demanding an immediate answer.
"All groovy over here," Taiya nonchalantly shot back, offering a casual thumbs up.
"I believe you meant to say, 'All groovy over here, Soldier York'," the woman corrected, her tone carrying an edge of annoyance.
"If you say so," Taiya smirked, barely containing her chuckle, choosing defiance over compliance.
Soldier York sighed but elected to move on. Plutarch had warned her that these three victors could be... challenging.
The contrast between the District 13 citizens and the victors became increasingly apparent. Every District 13 citizen present was perfectly behaved. They stood up straight and were fully focused. Whereas, the victors were looking around everywhere and rocking on their feet. They'd need a lot of training if they were ever hoping to be approved to go to the Capitol.
"We'll be starting nice and easy this morning since we have some new soldiers today. We'll be doing some stretches," Soldier York announced.
"Easy," Johanna scoffed in a whispered aside to Taiya.
"They could at least give us something challenging," Taiya concurred. Just stretches? This was going to be a waste of time.
That assumption quickly proved drastically wrong. The training was no walk in the park. It was exceptionally challenging. It was nothing like the serene stretching yoga classes Taiya had once enjoyed with Seneca and Romulus. This hurt.
After they'd done an intense stretching session, the trio found themselves thrust into hours of rigorous strength training. Which luckily was nearly over.
"I'm beating you," Johanna taunted, making everything a competition.
She wasn't wrong, but to be fair, she was putting in a lot more effort than Taiya was.
"Well I think we're both beating Katniss," Taiya remarked, turning to glance at the younger girl behind them.
Katniss, still grappling with healing ribs from her gunshot wound, audibly groaned every time she had to bend or lean forward.
"Ready to quit yet Mockingjay?" Taiya asked.
"No," Katniss shook her head, her determination evident even as her arms shuddered during a plank.
"If you quit, Tyler might let me quit, though. So you would have my full support. Just saying."
"I can't quit," Katniss insisted, her voice strained. "I need to go to the Capitol."
"Soldiers! Again! Am I interrupting?" the persistently annoying Soldier York yelled.
"Yes," Taiya quietly grumbled under her breath, falling out of her plank.
"What was that Soldier Ambersnow?" Soldier York confronted, stepping closer to the trio hanging out at the back.
"She said 'no, sorry Soldier York'," Katniss lied, providing cover for Taiya's frustration. Taiya could only smirk as she watched Soldier York huff. The unexpected alliance the three girls had formed in this training session was definitely coming in handy.
"Let's switch it up!" Soldier York announced loudly. "A 5-mile run to finish off."
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Taiya groaned, lowering herself onto the ground to fully lie down.
"Get up, fish stick," Johanna prodded Taiya's side with her foot.
"Let's go, let's go, let's go," Soldier York spurred them on.
The three of them were the only ones left to start. All of the kids they'd been complaining about before were excelling and beating them at every exercise. It was a humbling experience.
"Let's go," Katniss affirmed, starting the run. You could tell from the first instant her foot smacked against the ground, that this was not doing her ribs any good.
"Move your ass, Odair!" Johanna taunted, following after Katniss.
"Jo!" Taiya growled, chasing after her. "Keep your voice down. We're not telling these people, remember? You have to call me Ambersnow"
"It got you running though. Didn't it?" Johanna winked at Taiya.
Taiya's eyes widened. This was the second time Johanna had manipulated her in 24 hours.
Surpassing Katniss didn't take long; she was visibly struggling. She was hunched over as she tried to continue her run. It was clear she would have to pull out soon.
"Move your ass, swamp potato!" Johanna yelled back at her. "You're a victor and you're getting your ass handed to you by children! Do better!"
Katniss let out an irritated huff before straightening up, determined to continue. Johanna's unique brand of motivation proved effective.
"Imagine it's Gale chasing you, fish stick! Run, run, run!"
"No!" Taiya jokingly protested, running faster. "Not Dale! Save me, Joseph! Save me!"
"Seriously, Mockingjay are you even trying? My dead grandma could run faster than you!"
Johanna's motivational insult technique kept Katniss going on longer than expected. However, after enduring one mile, the pain from her ribs proved too much, and she had to drop out.
Taiya watched as Katniss got a note signed by Soldier York before she shot her and Johanna a quick wave and left the training grounds.
Taiya abruptly halted her run, prompting Johanna to stop alongside her.
"That's not fair!" Taiya complained. "I want to leave as well."
"Soldier Ambersnow. Soldier Mason," Soldier York approached them, her hands held behind her back. "Are you two taking this seriously?"
"No," Taiya promptly replied, making her stance clear.
"No one is forcing you to be here."
"Well, I mean..." Taiya began to explain, but Johanna elbowed her in the ribs, shutting her up. Tyler was kind of forcing her to be there.
"Feel free to leave Soldier Ambersnow. Think it over at lunch. If you show up to the afternoon session, I want to see you putting in an effort."
"Awesome!" Taiya beamed. "You staying?" she asked Johanna, who nodded her head, visibly disappointed in Taiya's choice. "Cool beans. I'm off. Later, losers," Taiya flashed Soldier York a quick grin before skipping back inside the District 13 bunker.
The silver lining of the training session was that it took place above ground. For Taiya, it marked the first time she had been outside freely in months. She'd missed the fresh air. Even seeing the sun had put her in a good mood. There were no windows in 13. It was so isolating and grim. At least seeing the sun had perked her up a bit, so it wasn't an entirely wasted morning.
Taiya approached the victor table alongside Finnick with absolutely no intention of sitting there that day.
Finnick knew she'd left training earlier, but he opted not to probe. If Taiya wanted to share she would, and he respected that. He wasn't going to push her. She'd been doing so well in her recovery. He wasn't going to push her too far.
"Yo," she greeted Gloss, accepting her food tray from Finnick.
"What?" Gloss regarded her suspiciously.
"Come with me," she jerked her head towards the corner of the cafeteria.
"Do I have to?" he inquired.
"Yes."
"Fine," he sighed dramatically, grabbing his tray and making his way over to the table.
Taiya turned her attention to Buck and frowned.
"Do I have food on my face?" he questioned.
"No," she shook her head. "Did you do something different when you got ready this morning?"
"No," Buck furrowed his brows, glancing around the table at the others, not quite sure what was happening.
"Huh," Taiya nodded. "Interesting. Never mind then," she smiled. "I'll see you later," she quickly leaned up to kiss Finnick's cheek, squeezing his arm affectionately before she followed after Gloss.
"Do I look different?" Buck paranoidly began to solicit opinions from the table. "Is it my moustache? My hair? Mags!"
He looked the same as he always did. But it'd been a couple of days since Taiya had last messed with him.
"What do you want, new Odair?" Gloss asked as she took her seat.
"I just wanted to chat," she shrugged.
Gloss knew Taiya well. He knew her well enough to know that she wasn't here to discuss jokes this time.
"Alright. Lay it on me," he invited, preparing himself for a more serious conversation.
"Why don't you want to join the rebellion? I mean you do well in training, but you said you're not going to the Capitol. I think out of the victors that are actually capable of going, you and I are the only ones not keen."
"No one's trying to pressure you into going are they?" Gloss asked with a frown.
"No," she instantly denied. "Tyler is just making me go to training because he thinks I need a hobby," she rolled her eyes. "I've avoided the conversation with Finn, but I know he wants to join in. Katniss nearly made herself ill this morning at training, that's how desperate she is to go. Do you think I'm making a mistake by not jumping on the rebellion train?"
"I don't think either of us owes these people a thing."
"But it's not just about 13. Not really. You want this change, right? You want Snow and his followers out," Taiya asked.
"Of course I do. But these people have taken more from me than the Capitol ever did. Cashmere died because the rebellion didn't trust us. I'm here because this is the only safe place for me right now. But do I want to fight in their name? Not really. I'd rather sit here in relative safety and ride this out. Play it safe. They sacrificed Cashmere for this. I'm not lifting a finger for them."
"I... I know that you guys not knowing about the rebel plan is what got Cashmere killed," she tried to phrase as delicately as she could. "But the Capitol took so much from you."
"Cashmere was the last person I had left," Gloss bitterly answered. "The rebels caused the death of my last family member. I hate Snow and I hate the Capitol. But my sister was not someone I was ever willing to sacrifice."
Taiya nodded. She understood his point of view but she didn't see any benefit in reminding him that the very fact that both he and Cashmere were in the quarter quell meant at least one of them wouldn't be coming out under normal circumstances.
The rebellion had lost a dynamite team in Gloss and Cashmere. He'd been trying to keep himself distracted from letting himself feel the depth of agony losing Cash was causing him. The pain of the loss was stopping him from getting involved. Taiya didn't know what to feel. She was hurt by the rebellion, but she'd been destroyed by the Capitol. She feared going back, but she had to make sure the rebels won.
"I'm angry that they left me behind," Taiya admitted. "But I don't think that's why I don't want to go," she swallowed. "I'm scared, Gloss. I know how the Capitol works better than most do. The only other one who knows them more than me is Plutarch. I was behind the curtain Gloss, I was in the Gamemaker's nest. What they did to Peeta, Jo and me when we were captives… that was just what they had on hand for regular prisoners. Now they've had time to cook up ideas much much worse. Snow won't hold back. He'll tear them apart."
"You have that little faith in the rebels?" Gloss snorted.
"I think the rebels will win," she shook her head. "But a lot of people will die. I don't want to die, Gloss. I don't want my friends to die. I just want to stay here because I think I'm too scared to fight."
"There's nothing wrong with being scared. Means you have good self-preservation skills. You should talk about this with Finnick. You know he'd want to talk this over with you. And let's not lie, you trust his opinion more than anyone else's."
"I want to convince him to stay. He won't want that though. He wants to be there, be involved. I don't want to sideline him by making him stay behind with me. What if one day he resents me for holding him back?"
At this Gloss had to snort. "Resent you? Get real fish face."
Taiya just stared at him. "It's fish stick. Not fish face. That's just rude."
"Fish stick? Really?" he asked and she nodded. "Huh. You know I did think fish face was a bit harsh for Johanna to be calling you that."
"Gloss!"
"Look, that boy will never resent you. He'll never look at you with anything other than puppy dog eyes. It's gross to watch, but I'm glad you have that around you. You need someone you can talk to about anything and trust them 100%. He's that for you. Talk to him."
"Hey, I trust you, Glossy boy," Taiya joked, reaching out to lightly slap his arm.
"Don't," Gloss snorted. "Half the time I'm trying to sabotage you."
Taiya hadn't gone back to training that afternoon. Instead, she sought out Mrs Everdeen. The whole session, words had lingered on the tip of her tongue, elusive and formless.
Oddly, Mrs Everdeen expressed pride in the progress Taiya supposedly made that day. Taiya found it perplexing; there was no tangible progress. Still, Mrs Everdeen insisted that Taiya merely being present and not indulging in her usual humour was an improvement in itself.
Now, in the privacy of her compartment with Finnick, Taiya felt his cautious gaze. He could sense she carried a weight, and he was patiently waiting for her to unveil whatever troubled her.
"Do you want to go to the Capitol?" she finally asked, her voice a soft murmur.
Finnick took a deep breath. He had anticipated this conversation. Tyler had told him how Taiya's mood had switched up towards the end of her meeting with Plutarch and he knew this conversation was coming. He knew it had dawned on her just how involved in this final part of the war he wanted to be. He also knew exactly how involved she wanted to be and the conflict of opinion that existed between them.
"I do," he nodded.
"Why?" she inquired, not meeting his eye.
"We've lost so much to the Capitol, Tay. It started when we were 12 and your mom turned cold because she was scared of you getting reaped. It continued when my name was called out. It continued when they took our parents away from us. It continued when they called your name out. It continued when Theo volunteered. When you lost Shark. When you lost Seneca. When we were reaped again. When they took you and separated us. When they tortured you. When they killed Todd," he calmly listed off the litany of tragedies they endured. "They've gotten away with it each time. I lost my childhood when Snow sold me. The change that the rebels want… we need it. We can't live under this regime anymore," he reached out to take hold of her hands. "I want a family with you Tay, I do. But you said it all those years ago, we can't do it while Snow is in charge, while this is the system. We have the power and support now to bring about this change. To be free. This is our chance to fight back, to get justice for every wrong they've committed, for every person they've taken from us."
"I know!" she emphasised. "I know! But what about the danger? Going to the Capitol… it's too dangerous. We both want the same future Finnick. I do, I really do. But I don't want to die and I don't want you to die. If we go, we'll be right in the line of fire."
"You won't," he assured.
"You don't know that Finnick. You can't control what happens on a battlefield. It's war. Good people die. Innocent people die. We're freer here. The rebels have the numbers. We don't have to be involved; they've even said that."
"I can't ask people to fight this and stay on the sidelines."
"If I asked you to?"
Finnick just looked at her sadly. "I don't understand…"
"I know you don't!" Taiya cut him off, her eyes shining with tears. "I don't want to ask you to stay," she swallowed. "I don't want to take that choice away from you," she gripped his hand tightly. "We've always had our choices taken away. But I can't lose you."
"You won't. You won't lose me," he placed a hand against her cheek. "This is our chance for a better future. For us and the entire nation. We wouldn't have to suffer anymore. No one would. It's our chance to fight back after what they did to us. I didn't mean it, Tay, I do understand. I do understand," he laid his forehead against hers. "I don't want you to go. You'll be safe here. Say something," he pleaded when she didn't respond.
"Choose me," she breathed, barely able to look into his eyes. She wouldn't directly ask him to stay, but she could heavily imply it. "Don't risk it. Don't lose me."
Finnick never lied to Taiya. At least not seriously. A joke here and there didn't count, and he wasn't about to start lying to her now. Which is why he couldn't directly say no, he wouldn't go.
"I choose you. I'm choosing you," he pulled her into him so she was lying against his chest.
He felt her shoulders relax, some of the tension leaving her body and he knew his words had worked, the vagueness had snuck by her.
In his mind, he was choosing her. He was choosing to fight for her future.
He just hoped one day she'd forgive him.
ShiaraS46: Oh that's fitting then if it's close to the word for fish bone haha!