AN: Warning: This chapter is pretty heavy, angsty, and sad but it had to happen. And there is some suicidal ideation in this one and future chapters. The next one will be lighter, I promise.
Chapter 4
Sam was frustrated. And ashamed. And violently angry. But mostly, she was "horny as fuck," as she'd put it. She drove around for a while, trying to get her pent-up frustration out. But the vibration of the motorcycle between her legs only seemed to make matters worse. She thought about going back to Punchy's to take her anger out on a punching bag but realized they would be closed by now. And her 'hitting tree' had long been destroyed by the aggressive blonde.
Why did Cat have to kiss me like that? Sam thought in frustration. And why did she say it 'doesn't have to mean anything'? Is that what she thinks of me? That she can just fuck me and not have it mean anything? Like I wouldn't care? That I could just fuck her and then go back to being her friend? Sam had been hoping Cat loved her but when the redhead said that sentence, it had felt like a stab to the heart.
Maybe she just said that because she thinks I don't like her that way. Maybe she cares about me but is worried I won't return her feelings. This brought back hope to Sam. But you don't want to love her anyway, right? You promised yourself, 'never again.' Isn't that what you said? Not after Carly. Not after…
Sam clenched her teeth and accelerated her motorcycle. She needed to hit something. Or someone. Or break something. Yes, that always worked for her in the past to calm down. She needed to destroy something before she destroyed herself.
Cat curled up on Sam's bed and cried her eyes out. Sam left me! she thought over and over as she sobbed out loud. Her parents had left her, along with her brother. Nona had left for Elderly Acres. And now Sam had left her. She wasn't sure how long she had cried on Sam's bed, curled up with one of the blonde's shirts and breathing in her scent. She felt guilty for what she'd done. She'd never done anything like that before but her feelings for Sam were so strong. Stronger than she'd ever felt for anyone. She'd tried to call Sam several times but the blonde hadn't answered.
Suddenly, Cat felt worried about Sam. Not only was she scared that she would never see Sam again, she was worried Sam would go out and do something bad. Or stupid. Or dangerous. Probably all three, knowing the blonde. Sam had a tendency to become self-destructive when she was upset. What if she does something to get arrested? Or gets in a motorcycle accident? What if she goes out and sleeps with someone else? Oh, no! What if she calls that Jenna girl and she… This thought brought more tears to Cat's eyes. What if she gets in a fight and hurts someone or…hurts herself? Then Cat's heartbeat shot up as she thought back to that phone call she'd overheard. The one where it sounded as if Sam were contemplating whether to continue her life or not. What if Sam…? No! No, Sam wouldn't do that, would she? Her worry went into overdrive at this thought and she was suddenly inconsolable.
Sam tossed the parking meter to the side of the road angrily with a loud grunt. It was the fifth one she'd aggressively yanked out of the ground. She realized it was illegal but it was something her parole officer, of all people, told her to do when she got violently angry. It was either this or punching a stranger in the face, which she had done before. The last time she had gotten this angry at Cat, Sam had gone to Punchy's and knocked out a professional fighter with one punch to the face. She'd also yanked a parking meter out of the ground on that occasion as well but it hadn't been enough to extinguish Sam's anger.
Sam huffed and puffed, feeling her anger begin to dissipate at her exertion. She soon regained her breathing and then mounted her motorcycle again. Luckily, she was on a quiet, deserted street. She sat on her bike just cogitating for a while. She knew she couldn't just leave Cat. And she had no intention of abandoning her for good. Sam had just needed some space and some air and needed to think.
Cat, she thought, shaking her head. What am I gonna do with you? She knew the redhead had to have real, genuine feelings for her. Why else would she pounce on her like that? Sam had never seen Cat be that way before with anyone. And the blonde suddenly felt guilty for leaving while Cat looked so devastated at Sam rejecting her. When did things get so complicated? Oh, right. The day I saw a beautiful redhead get swallowed up by a garbage truck and I jumped in to rescue her. It had been the red hair that had caught her attention. Sam knew things would be different from then on. Wonderful, yet complicated. Amazing, yet painful. Because Sam knew she had fallen in love with Cat as soon as the redhead had fainted and fallen into her arms that day.
"Alright, I'll save your life!" Sam had shouted after Cat had fallen into her arms. "But you're buying me a new burrito!"
Sam smiled at the memory. She knew she had to go home and talk to Cat. She'd work things out. Hopefully, she'd make Cat see that they could still be friends. What if Cat wants more? What's your plan then? Sam shook her head. She'd figure it out when she saw Cat. She decided to head home. She was calm enough now to drive and face the redhead. As she slipped her hand into her pocket for her keys, she felt her phone buzz.
Assuming it was Cat calling her again, Sam pulled her phone out of her pocket, knowing she should let Cat know she was okay and that she was headed home. But Sam began to feel worried when she saw that it was Jade calling her instead and quickly answered it. She knew it had to have something to do with Cat. The goth girl hardly ever called her, especially this late at night.
"Hello?" Sam answered, worried.
"Puckett! What the hell did you do to Cat?!" Jade's angry voice greeted her.
"What are you talking about, West?" Sam asked now irritated but still worried, her heart speeding up.
"Cat is over here at my house bawling her eyes out. Tori and I have been trying to calm her down but the only coherent word we could get out of her was, 'Sam'."
Sam was immediately filled with concern. Then she heard Cat in the background on the other end of the line, "Jade, no! What are you doing? I told you not to call her!" The redhead's voice sounded upset, like she'd been crying.
"Quiet, Cat!" Jade yelled, "let me handle this." Then the goth turned her voice back to the phone. "I don't know what's going on but I swear, Puckett, if you've hurt her, I'll take my scissors and-"
"Jade!" Cat shouted in the background. "Just stop! It's not her fault!"
"West!" Sam yelled into the phone, "what the hell is going on over there?!"
There was a shuffling sound and then Tori's voice came over the phone, "Sam, you need to get over here now. Cat is scaring the hell out of us. She's really upset about something and she won't tell us what it is."
"Okay, I'm on my way to pick her up," Sam replied and then abruptly hung up the phone.
Jade's House
Tori hung up the phone. "Sam's on her way over to pick you up, Cat," Tori informed.
"Where was she? Did she sound okay?" Cat asked in worry. She had been worried about Sam doing something dangerous. But at least she had answered the phone when Jade had called. "Did…did she sound mad?" Cat asked hesitantly. The two girls had finally gotten her to stop sobbing.
"No," Tori answered.
"Well, was she upset?" Cat asked.
"It was hard to tell. The conversation was too short," Tori replied sympathetically.
"Cat, are you gonna tell us what happened between you and Sam or not?" Jade asked sitting down next to Cat on her couch. She had her typical annoyed tone but there was a hint of concern mixed in. "You said this wasn't Sam's fault?" Cat shook her head.
"It's not," Cat murmured quietly. "It's all my fault."
"What is?" Tori asked as she sat down on Cat's other side on the couch and wrapped her arm around her comfortingly.
Cat sighed, "I can't tell you. I did something really bad and I feel awful about it."
"Did you pawn her motorcycle to pay for your Bibble addiction?" Tori asked curiously.
"No," Cat answered meekly. "And I stopped eating Bibble."
"You didn't give her another dirty, crusty pillow with stains and hair as a gift, did you?" Jade asked.
"No!" Cat replied angrily. She had felt horrible about the Yay Dad debacle. She didn't think she could ever forgive herself for that. But Sam had.
"Well, what is it?" Tori asked softly. And Cat began but it was more like an incoherent rambling.
"I don't even know where to start or if I should tell you at all. My feelings are just so jumbled up and I know I'm not supposed to feel this way about a girl but I can't help it! Sam's so beautiful and sweet and strong and she makes me have these feelings I've never felt before. But I'm scared to tell her and I kissed her! And I wanted to…do more. I tried to do more. She told me to stop but I didn't listen. I basically forced myself on her, in her own bed, and she got mad and pushed me away. And now I feel so bad about it. I-I know you're not supposed to do that to someone but I thought it would be okay because maybe she felt the same way. But after she pushed me away, she didn't just look angry. She looked so…hurt. Like I did something to hurt her. Deeply. And then she left and now I've messed everything up and I'm worried I've scared her off for good! What if she doesn't want to see me again? What if she moves out? What if she hates me?! What if she…leaves me forever?!"
Cat was sobbing again, burying her face in her hands. Jade and Tori sat stunned. They had no idea their best friend had been harboring such strong emotions for someone, especially a girl. Her other best friend and roommate. They'd hung out with Sam a few times and they all liked the tough blonde girl. Ever since Sam came into Cat's life, Cat had started hanging out with her school friends less and less and they all assumed it was because of her new friendship with Sam. But they didn't have a clue that Cat was so smitten with her.
"Cat, are you saying…you like Sam?" Tori asked, trying to confirm. Jade just tilted her head and gave her a look that said, Duh, Vega!
Cat lifted her head to look her in the eye. "I love her," Cat clarified around a sniffle. Jade's eyebrow rose in surprise and interest. The goth realized she shouldn't have been that surprised, with the amount Cat would talk about Sam at school. It was the majority of conversation whenever the redhead was around her Hollywood Arts friends. She had told them all about their crazy adventures and shenanigans. They felt like they knew Sam just as much as Cat, even though they hadn't hung out with her that much. Jade just figured Cat was excited to be living with a celebrity.
But Cat gushed about Sam so much. She told them about all the sweet things Sam did for her and how funny she was. And it wasn't just the more memorable moments. Cat spoke of all the little things Sam did for her too. Whether it was rescuing her from a garbage truck or just letting her have the last meatball at dinner, there was no end to how much Cat apparently loved being around the blonde. It was always, "Sam did this for me!" or "You won't believe what Sam said yesterday!" or "I can't believe Sam would do that just for me!" Cat obviously adored Sam.
"And how does Sam feel about you?" Jade asked curiously after the redhead had professed her love for the blonde.
"That's just it," Cat replied, "I don't know. I had hoped that she felt the same way. She's done so many sweet things for me. We'd gotten closer over the past few months and she wasn't protesting that much anymore when I hugged her and I started giving her kisses on the cheek and she still didn't object. So, I thought she liked it. But I guess she was just being nice because…and now I've made her leave and…"
Cat trailed off and started crying again. This new information caused Jade to realize something. "Cat, is this why you were so jealous when I started hanging out with her?" the goth girl asked.
Cat slowly lifted her eyes to Jade's and she nodded, unsure what the usually angry girl would say.
"I never would have stolen her away from you, Cat. And I had no idea you felt that way about her. Yes, Sam's a knockout but I wasn't interested in her in that way, just so you know," Jade informed her and then her eyes shifted over to Tori's. The beautiful brunette smiled back at Jade. Cat seemed to take all this in while she calmed her breathing.
"Cat, it sounds like you need to talk to Sam and actually tell her how you feel so there's no confusion," Tori said. "She's on her way over here so she obviously still cares enough to want to see you."
Cat took a deep breath, "Yeah." She sniffled some more and then her friends helped her clean up her face. Cat looked at the clock and realized how late it was. "Tori, what are you doing over here so late anyway?" Cat asked.
Tori's expression turned to one of "caught" and she stammered, "Uh…I was just uh…"
"She was helping me with a project," Jade cut in quickly, also looking alarmed.
"For Sikowitz's class," Tori put in.
"Right," Jade replied.
"But classes don't start for a couple more weeks," Cat noted.
"It's for…an independent study thing…for over the summer," Tori put in, her face flushing.
"Sure," Cat grinned, knowing full well the real reason Tori would be over at Jade's house, especially since Jade and Beck had officially broken up for good. "Okay?" Cat said with a smirk.
A few minutes later they heard Sam's motorcycle approaching the house. Cat's heart gave a jolt. She was nervous and afraid, but she was also excited anytime she heard that sound. It meant the one she loved was nearby. Jade headed outside as Sam pulled her bike into a spot in front of the house and parked. She shut off the engine and removed her helmet just as Jade approached her.
Sam sighed. She wasn't looking forward to explaining anything to Jade and it wasn't any of her business anyway. "Look, West, I don't know what Cat told you but-"
"I'm not here to interrogate you, Sam," Jade cut in. "I was just going to tell you that we finally got Cat to calm down and she's waiting for you just inside."
Sam glanced to the front of the house and saw the curtains suddenly move in one of the windows like someone was afraid of being spotted. Jade went on, "It's none of my business, Sam. I know you didn't do anything to hurt her. Cat confirmed as much. But I just wanted to ask you to be gentle with her. She's in a really vulnerable state right now. Please don't do anything to hurt her."
Sam was shocked to hear the goth girl say the word, 'please' and seemed genuinely concerned for Cat. Although, Sam knew Jade cared about Cat like a sister. "Of course," Sam said. Jade sighed. She didn't want to give anything away to Sam that she didn't already know. She wanted Cat to be the one to tell the blonde what she was feeling.
"You two have some important things to discuss," Jade continued, "and I just hope you'll hear her out. She didn't mean to upset you."
"Did she tell you what happened?" Sam asked worried.
"She told us enough," Jade replied. Sam just sighed heavily. "No matter how you feel about her, just be truthful and gentle, okay?" Jade asked. And Sam nodded.
The front door opened and Cat appeared on the porch looking afraid to approach Sam. Tori was by her side. "Hey, Cat," Sam greeted softly, her expression unreadable. "You ready to go home?" Cat nodded with a somewhat relieved look but still anxious. She said 'bye' to both Tori and Jade. When she approached Sam, the blonde could see that Cat's eyes were red and puffy from crying. Sam's heart gave a pang of guilt. Cat climbed on the back of Sam's bike after putting her helmet on.
As Tori and Jade watched them drive off, Tori said, "I think they'd make a cute couple."
"Yeah," Jade agreed, "but I get the feeling Sam has some things to work through. I'm pretty sure she's into girls and has feelings for Cat. I've seen the way they look at each other. But Sam's holding something back."
The ride home was silent. Cat had been relieved that Sam came back for her but she was still afraid of what the blonde would tell her when they got home. She tried to enjoy hugging Sam close as the motorcycle sped down the highway but her heart dropped thinking about the likelihood of Sam wanting to pack her bags as soon as they got home.
As soon as Sam parked the motorcycle, they entered through the back patio doors and Cat immediately went over to the couch and plopped down. Sam followed her but didn't sit. She just stayed standing next to the sofa. Cat didn't look at her. She just stared straight ahead; her eyebrows furrowed in sadness. She didn't know what to say. She felt awful. Worse than on Yay Day.
After several moments of awkward silence, Cat sighed and finally spoke softly in a dull, sad voice, "I guess you'll want to pack your bags now. I'll sleep out here on the couch if you want. You probably shouldn't leave until morning though. Okay? Please don't make me worry about you driving off into the night. Again."
Sam's heart broke, "Cat, I never intended to leave for good."
The redhead looked up at her in surprised relief, "You didn't?!"
"No, of course not," Sam replied in sympathy. She sat down next to Cat on the couch. "I just needed to think and get some air. I do some of my best thinking while riding my motorcycle. I didn't mean to make you think I was abandoning you."
Cat sighed in relief and instinctively wrapped her arms around Sam's neck in a hug. Sam flinched at first but then relaxed into the hug and actually wrapped her arms around the redhead. She heard Cat sniffle and her voice was muffled by the blonde's shirt when she spoke, "But I asked you if you were coming back and you didn't answer." The redhead started crying again.
"Kid," Sam said sadly, "don't cry. I'm sorry I didn't answer you at the time. My mind was just jumbled and I couldn't think straight." Sam pulled back from the hug to look at Cat and wiped a couple of her tears away with her thumbs. Their faces were just a few inches apart and Sam felt hers go hot at the realization. Cat sniffled again.
"So, you're not mad at me for…?" Cat trailed off.
"No," Sam replied. "I mean, I was surprised and frustrated at the situation but…I'm not mad at you. I…was kind of hurt that you would start something like that and…not expect it to mean something."
Cat gasped, "No, Sam! I didn't mean it like that. I just care about you so much and I only said that because I was worried you didn't, uh…care about me that way." Cat chose her words carefully. "I wanted it to mean something to you because…it would mean everything to me." Cat whispered the last part, looking Sam in the eye.
Sam's heart was pounding in her chest from the look the redhead was giving her. "Cat…I do care about you. I care about you a lot," Sam also chose her words carefully. "There are just some reasons that…it wouldn't be wise for me to be in a relationship. And…you really surprised me. I wasn't expecting you to do that."
"I'm so sorry, Sammy," Cat said with remorse. "I didn't mean to make you feel…uncomfortable. And I know you don't like me like that, so…you don't have to worry about-"
"Cat," Sam interrupted gently and then hesitated, "it's not that I don't like you."
"You're not attracted to me?" the redhead asked shyly with fear on her face.
"No, Cat. That's not it at all," Sam replied in a hurry so Cat wouldn't think that. Sam had been attracted to the redhead since the first day they met, even when they were swimming in garbage. Sam sighed heavily, unsure how to proceed. She didn't want to hurt Cat's feelings and she didn't want to lie but she didn't know if she should tell her everything. "It's complicated," Sam said finally. "I'm still not over…something that happened to me. And until I am, I'm no good to anyone."
"Something happened to you?" Cat asked, concerned. She hoped that Sam would open up to her and elaborate.
Sam sighed heavily again; a sad expression on her face. "Well, more like…something I went through…that I never really dealt with. And I don't know if I'll ever recover from it."
Cat was concerned now. She had an idea she knew what Sam was talking about. Sam had been holding it in for almost a year now and it needed to come out. They had been tiptoeing around the topic. She didn't want to upset Sam and knew this would change everything. Cat was hesitant but knew she needed to ask. "Do you mean…Carly's death?"
Sam's head shot up to look at the redhead and her eyes were wide in surprise; her heart racing. It felt like someone had punched her in the gut; all the air going out of her. Tears brimmed her eyes as she felt like her whole world was crashing down around her. Someone had actually acknowledged the thing that had been slowly destroying her for the past year and she had been holding it in, pretending like it wasn't happening. The dam had been ready to break for months now. She knew! She knew this whole time! Holy fuck! Sam thought in astonishment. But she doesn't know everything. Sam took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her racing heart. She felt like she was on the verge of hyperventilating. She forced her mind to stay in the present. She was terrified of going back to that day. It was the worst day of her life. "H-How did you know about that?" Sam finally asked in shock, her eyes full of sadness.
Cat looked at her with sympathy, her eyebrows scrunched together in sadness, looking deeply into Sam's intense blue eyes. Eyes that allowed her to see right into her soul. And Cat could see the devastation that came to the forefront. Normally Sam kept it hidden in the far recesses of her mind. But now it was exposed and it broke Cat's heart. She hated it when Sam hurt. It made her heart ache. She so wanted to pull Sam into a hug and comfort her. But she didn't know if Sam would be receptive to it at the moment. "I-I followed iCarly," Cat answered softly. "It was all over the news and internet when it happened."
Sam sighed again and looked down at the floor, the heaviness of holding this in for the whole past year had been weighing down on her. "If you knew, why didn't you ever say anything about it?" Sam asked in curiosity.
"I figured you would talk about it if you wanted to," Cat replied gently. "And since you never brought it up, I realized you didn't want to be reminded." That first night Sam had stayed with Cat and she told her, 'My best friend moved to Italy with her dad,' Cat knew Sam wasn't ready to deal with Carly's death. It was still too fresh, especially to talk about with a stranger. So, Cat never brought it up. Dice had asked the redhead about it because he had also known about the web star's death but Cat had told him not to discuss it in front of Sam.
It was just a quiet understanding to not talk about it and to pretend it didn't happen if Sam ever brought up iCarly, which she never did. Sam had wondered why none of her new friends ever asked her about Carly or her old life in Seattle. Now she knew. They were sparing her feelings and respecting her privacy. "I'm so sorry, Sam. I know she was your best friend." The redhead reached over and gently took Sam's hand in hers. "I can't imagine what that must have been like."
"She wasn't just my best friend," Sam whispered sadly, staring off into space.
"What?" Cat asked curiously.
"Carly and I…we were together…a couple," Sam explained and Cat gasped in surprise.
The redhead felt tears brimming her eyes now. Oh, no! Oh, god, no! Cat thought. It was worse than she had initially thought. How…how did Sam survive this?!
Sam figured she might as well tell her everything now. "Carly was my best friend, my girlfriend, my lover. She was everything to me. The most important person in my life. I loved Carly more than anyone. Since the first day we met. All I ever wanted was to love Carly and when she told me she loved me back, I thought I was dreaming."
Sam paused for a beat to gather her thoughts and then slowly continued. "We had secretly been together as a couple the last two years of iCarly and the only ones who knew were Spencer, Freddie, and Gibby." Cat just stayed silent. Sam's voice was steady as she went on. "We were going to get married. I had proposed to her the night she died. She was so happy. We were so happy. Her father had come for a visit. Carly never got to see her dad because he was always away in the military. Then he unexpectedly asked her to come visit him in Italy. It was only supposed to be for a couple weeks."
Cat's tears that were brimming her eyes silently started to fall as she listened to Sam go on. The blonde didn't cry as she told the story. But her voice was dull and sad. "We had made plans to go off to college together. We got accepted to the same school and we were going to live together. I actually brought my grades up enough just so I could go with her. We had everything all planned out. We did our last webcast of iCarly, I proposed to her, she said 'yes'; her eyes lighting up in that way they do when she's super happy and excited about something. Then we made love…that's what Carly always called it. It was always more than just sex."
Cat closed her eyes, even more ashamed now that she had suggested to Sam that it 'didn't have to mean anything' and a couple more tears slid down her face. Of course, it would mean something to Sam. She never acted like it, but the blonde was a sensitive person in some ways. Not as much as Cat of course, but Sam was gentle, caring, and loving when she felt free to be. Cat opened her eyes and focused back on Sam as she continued her story. "We packed her bags…and then she flew out of my life forever. It was a few hours later that I found out her plane went down in the middle of the Atlantic."
Cat couldn't hold her tears back any longer. They streamed down her cheeks uncontrollably and she sniffled. "I got the phone call from Spencer in the middle of the night," Sam went on. "They did a search for the plane but it was never recovered. They finally called it, a week later. All passengers and crew were presumed dead. The official investigation was much longer than that but they told us they were presumed dead after a week so the families could move on. We had a funeral for Carly and her father even though there were no bodies to bury. I left Seattle the next day, never even saying goodbye to Spencer, Freddie, or Gibby. Not even my mom. I couldn't stay there. It hurt too much. There was nothing left for me. College seemed like a joke without Carly. Life seemed like a joke without her. A painful, pointless joke."
They sat in silence for several moments and then Cat saw Sam's eyebrows scrunch up in sadness. She couldn't hold it in any longer. The dam finally broke. "She died and it's all my fault!" Sam cried in agony, tears streaming down her face.
Cat pulled her in for a hug and the blonde buried her face in the redhead's neck, sobbing out loud. Cat rubbed Sam's back soothingly, her own tears streaming down her face. "How can it be your fault?" Cat asked in shock.
"I encouraged her to go," Sam sobbed out against Cat's neck. "She didn't want to leave me but I told her to go and be with her dad. I knew how much she missed him over the years. And I didn't want to hold her back from seeing him. She was on the fence about going but I told her to go. It's all my fault! She'd still be here if I hadn't!"
"Shhh," Cat tried to soothe, rubbing Sam's back. "It's not your fault. You can't predict the future and you can't control air planes."
Sam pulled back from the hug, an angry expression on her face and her eyes red from crying. She stood up and started ranting, "It is my fault! It's my fault she's dead! It's my fault we're not together and happy! We would be married right now! And about to start our first year of college together! It's my fault Spencer no longer has his sister and that Freddie lost his best friend!" She was pacing the room, her face red from her outburst. "It's my FUCKING FAULT!" Sam yelling in anguish and then collapsed to the floor on her knees, sobbing loudly.
Cat had never seen Sam this way. So vulnerable and broken. When she had cried on Yay Day, it was nothing compared to this. Cat went over and knelt down next to her and just held her as she cried. It finally made sense to the redhead. Why Sam always seemed to have a sense of sadness around her, lurking behind her beautiful, blue eyes. Over the past few months, Cat figured Sam was probably sad from losing her best friend. That would be hard enough. But losing her soulmate? The person who mattered most. Who meant everything to her. Gone. The redhead tried to put herself in Sam's shoes. What would Cat have done if she'd lost Sam that way? She probably would have lost her mind. Cat couldn't even imagine. And Sam had also been holding it in for almost a year and blaming herself for Carly's death.
Cat suspected that Sam probably hadn't dealt with it at all. She just left Seattle and then started a new unexpected life with a total stranger. She masked her pain with anger and jokes but Cat could always tell something was bothering Sam on a deeper level. Sam had never dealt with her grief and it just made things worse and worse as time went on, pretending everything was normal and okay every day.
Cat just let Sam cry it out as they sat on the floor together, their arms wrapped around each other. It was several minutes later when Sam finally quieted down. She'd run out of tears and she was exhausted. They finally moved back to the couch so they would be more comfortable. Cat kissed Sam on the forehead and then said, "I'll be right back." She got up and went to get a glass of water and a box of tissues and brought them back over for Sam. She sat down next to her on the couch as Sam took a few sips of water and then set the glass down on the coffee table.
"Carly and I kept our relationship a secret," Sam croaked out in a dry, scratchy voice. "We never came out publicly at school or on our website. Only Spencer, Freddie, and Gibby knew about us. Carly was going to try to find a time to tell her dad. She wanted him to be at the wedding." Cat squeezed her eyes shut trying to fight off more oncoming tears. She opened her eyes and then wrapped an arm around Sam's shoulders. "I was going to tell my mom and Melanie after Carly was ready to go public. But after her funeral, I just left. There was no point in anything anymore. No point in staying. No point in living. After I left, I drove around the country for about a month, seeing the places I'd always wanted to see."
Cat thought back to last year. Sam had moved in with her in October. Which meant, Carly died in September. Sam's comment about 'no point in living' hadn't gotten past the redhead and she was worried again. Suddenly, some of that mysterious phone call Sam had gotten made sense. Cat thought back to the past year living with Sam. Sure, the blonde seemed 'fine' most of the time. They had crazy adventures and Sam babysat with Cat and she also helped Dice and Goomer with whatever problem they had on any given day.
But Cat always knew Sam was hiding something. She always seemed to be holding back in some way. She hardly ever opened up about what she was feeling on any given day and never talked about her life prior to LA. Cat wondered if part of it was Sam 'putting on a performance', so to speak; relying on her iCarly experience. Cat could relate, being an actor, herself. She'd been in several school plays. And Sam knew how to put on a 'happy face' and go out and do silly things to make people laugh, even if she wasn't feeling up to it. Sam had basically tricked everyone into thinking she was okay the past year. And very convincingly. But Cat also got the feeling that Sam was one of those people who was also good at hiding things from the people closest to her, coming from an unstable home. Cat knew a little about that herself as well.
Sam had paused her story and silence filled the room. When she finally spoke again, Sam's voice was quiet and cold. And full of finality. "I promised myself that I would never love again."
Cat's breath hitched. This was why Sam was always holding back with her. Cat knew Sam always kept people at a distance but she had started to notice Sam becoming more affectionate towards her, and no one else. But Sam hadn't let herself go all in with Cat. And something else occurred to the redhead. Sam was punishing herself for Carly's death and it made Cat want to cry more but she held back. "But don't you think Carly would want you to move on and to be happy?" Cat asked, afraid of how the blonde would react to this suggestion. To her surprise, Sam said nothing. She just stared at the opposite wall.
After a few quiet moments, Sam finally spoke, "Carly deserves to be here. Not me. If anyone deserves to live and be happy and to love, it's her." It sounded a lot like survivor's guilt to Cat but she just stayed silent. After a few quiet moments, Sam stood. "I'm going to bed," she announced tiredly and then strolled off to their bedroom.
Cat sat there alone for several quiet moments, unsure of what to do. The whole evening had been emotionally draining and everything Sam had confessed was a lot to digest. Cat finally made her way to the bedroom to see that Sam was in bed already with the lights off. Cat wanted to comfort her friend but wasn't sure if Sam needed space at the moment or not. After standing there in the middle of the room contemplating which bed she should settle in, she finally approached Sam's bed. The blonde was laying there on her back, staring up at the ceiling. She finally met Cat's eyes and then lifted her blankets in a welcoming gesture.
Cat happily climbed into bed and cuddled up next to Sam, wrapping her arm around her waist and snuggling her face into her neck. She eventually let her head rest on Sam's shoulder. They laid in silence for a long time, neither speaking. The redhead wished she could take Sam's pain and sadness away. Cat just stared up at Sam's face for the longest time, appreciating the fact that she was lying next to her but also feeling sad because Sam was sad. Sam continued to stare up at the ceiling. A single tear slid down her face and Cat hugged her a little tighter. Having Cat cuddle her in bed was both comforting and painful to Sam. Only Carly had ever done this with the blonde. Nothing else was said for the night and the two finally drifted off to sleep after a long while.
AN: Just so you know, I love the Carly character. I didn't kill her off because I dislike her or anything. You can read my other fics if you don't believe me. I always felt that Sam was kinda sad during Sam & Cat and thought it had something to do with her missing Carly. And this plot just sorta popped in my head from that belief. I honestly don't think Sam would have left Seattle if there was a chance that Carly would return.