AN: Sorry for the wait. But at least this chapter is much longer than usual. Nearly twice the length of the others. Over 10,000 words. So, it's more like two chapters in one. Also, you should count yourselves lucky. I wasn't planning to update today because I was trying to work on my other fics. But I got a message or two from some readers asking about it. You know who you are. ;) So, remember that for the future. Reviews and comments tend to give me a little push and make me work harder to get chapters posted. Especially if they are good comments. Parts of this chapter were particularly hard to write because they are based on my own grief and sudden loss of my best friend.
Warnings: This chapter may be triggering to people who have lost a loved one. Deals with anxiety, depression, and triggers. Suicidal thoughts and planning are also talked about. Please stay safe.
Chapter 6
"Sam is planning to kill herself!" Freddie said in grave tone.
Time felt like it came to a halt. That statement seemed to echo inside Cat's mind over and over. Her breath hitched and her heart sped up in fear. There was a long, silent pause and all that could be heard over the line was Cat's erratic breathing, sounding as if she were on the verge of tears. She had been hoping that she just misinterpreted that mysterious phone call that had upset Sam so much. But now she knew for sure that she hadn't.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," Freddie continued in a sympathetic voice. "I've been trying to get in touch with her this whole past year since she left to try to talk her out of it. She only answers every once in a while. You don't know what it's been like every time I called and she didn't pick up. Worried that she's already done it and I have no clue where she is or how to try to help her."
"How can this be true? What…how…I just…this has to be some mistake," Cat replied, stumbling over her words, unsure of what to say. Her heart still refused to believe it. "Or a joke. Is this some sick joke? Please, tell me this is a joke!"
"I wish it were," Freddie said sadly. "But it's true. She and Carly were in love with each other and when Carly died, it destroyed Sam. She couldn't deal. That's why she left Seattle so abruptly. Without even telling any of us she was planning to. But before she did, she left me and Spencer a suicide note. It basically said she was planning to travel the country on her motorcycle to see all the places she'd always wanted to see…with Carly…but never got a chance to. Then it said once she finished her travels, she would essentially end her life. She didn't say it in those exact words but that's what the letter alluded to anyway."
Cat exhaled in fear and sadness, not sure if she could make her voice work, "I-I mean, Sam told me how Carly died and that they were together. And that she spent a month traveling the country before she ended up here in LA. But…she couldn't…she wouldn't… She's been…happy. I thought…" Her voice trailed off at the end, now unsure of Sam's mental state.
Freddie cut in after a few silent moments, worried the girl on the other end would start to cry. But he knew he needed to continue. "After I finally got ahold of her the other day, I thought at first that maybe she would be okay because it's been 11 months. I had thought she would have done it sooner but now that so much time had passed, maybe she changed her mind. I had been hoping she found a reason not to. Maybe that reason is you?" Freddie sounded hopeful.
"Well…" Cat wasn't sure what to say. After a few silent moments of contemplating, she finally spoke. "I…I love her," Cat said quietly as if it were the secret of the century. Freddie didn't say anything, just continued to listen. "I had been hoping she felt the same way but…I just made things awkward and now I don't know how she feels for sure…but…"
"Listen, after I got off the phone with her the other day, I started rethinking things," Freddie went on, "if Sam couldn't be persuaded not to, I think the reason she waited this long was because she's planning to do it on the one-year anniversary of Carly's death."
Cat gasped loudly, "But that's less than a month away!"
"I know," Freddie said sadly and then gave a heavy sigh. "Sam blames herself for Carly's death and I think she's planning to do it, not only because she can't live without her and wants to be with her but, she's also doing it as punishment to herself for letting Carly die. Even though I tried to tell her it wasn't her fault."
"I did too," Cat replied. "But then she went off on me, telling me that it was her fault Carly's dead and that you lost your best friend and that Spencer doesn't have his sister anymore. I think she feels guilty for Carly being taken away from everyone."
Freddie sighed again, "Damn it, Sam!" He sounded frustrated but sympathetic to his friend who was hurting. "Spencer and I never blamed her. It was nobody's fault. We just wanted her to stay. It was hard enough losing Carly. And Spencer also lost his father. Then Sam left and it just felt like we'd lost her too. Losing so much all at once has…been really hard on me and Spencer. And I know Sam's mom misses her too. Mrs. Puckett doesn't show it but she loves Sam and is worried about her. She's called me several times asking if I've been able to get in touch with Sam or heard from her. She's worried for the same reason we are. And even more so when I told her that she and Carly were together as a couple."
There was a short pause and then Freddie went on, "Look, you need to tell me where you two live. If I could come see her and talk to her in person, maybe I can convince her not to. And maybe even bring Spencer and her mom with me. She needs psychological help. Maybe we can get her to come home."
Home? Cat thought sadly. This is her home. This sounded like an intervention to Cat. "But you wouldn't have her, like, locked up some place, would you?" Cat asked concerned.
"I would if that's what it takes to save her life!" Freddie retorted angrily. "I've already lost one of my best friends! I refuse to lose the other! And Sam's the most stubborn person I know. When she has her mind set on something, it's like moving mountains to get her to change her mind. Now tell me where she is!" He sounded angry and this startled Cat.
"Look, maybe I can help her. Without resorting to betraying her trust," Cat replied. She didn't know how she felt about forcefully committing Sam to a psychiatric hospital without her consent. Cat's parents had done that with her brother and now she hardly ever got to talk to him and never got to see him. And what if that hospital was all the way in Seattle instead of LA? Cat would never see Sam again.
"That's a nice thought but you don't know Sam like I do," Freddie replied sadly.
"And you don't know her like I do!" Cat snapped back angrily. "Sam's made a life here. She has a home and friends who care about her. She has me. And I love her and I'm not just going to ruin that for her. Maybe she's changed her mind. Maybe she's better now." Cat paused and then finally continued after calming a bit, "Sam saved my life. The first day we met. I was just a stranger to her but she risked her life to save mine. And I'm not going to give up on her. I know she cares about me and I refuse to believe she would take her own life." There was a short pause and then she added quietly with conviction, "Maybe it's my turn to save her."
"Look, I just-"
"No!" Cat cut in abruptly, "there's a reason Sam didn't tell you where she was living and a reason why she left in the first place and didn't want to keep in touch with you!" Cat knew she sounded harsh but she didn't care. She couldn't betray Sam. "Sam told me how her mom never took care of her and the only person she really ever loved was Carly. I don't blame her for leaving a place that had nothing left to offer her. If Sam wants you to know where she is, she'll tell you herself. And as for the other thing…well…I know what signs to look out for. I have experience in that area."
The redhead suddenly heard Sam call out to her. "Cat?!" Sam hollered from the kitchen. "You alright in there? You didn't fall in, did you?"
"I-I've gotta go now," Cat whispered abruptly to Freddie.
"No, wait!" Freddie yelled but was then swiftly hung up on.
"I'm coming!" Cat yelled to Sam. She set Sam's phone down on her bed where she'd found it (after saving Freddie's number in her own phone just in case) and then headed back into the kitchen. Sam was still at the sink, washing her hands. She had just finished the dishes.
"There you are, kid," Sam said with a grin when she saw Cat enter the room. "I got worried you fell in the toilet again."
"Sorry," Cat replied, trying to cover her worry. "I…got distracted…thinking about mermaids." Sam chuckled as she rinsed her hands. "I didn't mean for you to end up doing the majority of the dishes," Cat added. She noted that it was out of character for Sam to willingly do house work and this made her worry even more. One of the warning signs was changes in behavior, positive, negative, risky, or otherwise.
"It's alright," Sam replied, shutting off the faucet, "you did the majority of the cooking." Cat came up to her and hugged her from behind. Sam smiled at this and felt Cat's arms tighten around her waist. Cat rested her cheek on Sam's shoulder. "What's the hug for?" Sam asked as she grabbed a hand towel to dry her hands.
"Since when do I need a reason?" Cat replied, trying to hold back her sorrow at the information Freddie just told her.
"Good point," Sam agreed with a grin. But she became concerned when she heard Cat sniffling and realized she was crying. "Hey, whoa, whoa, kid! What's the matter?" Sam asked, suddenly worried and turned around to face Cat.
The redhead never let go of Sam the whole time, she merely shifted so that she was now pressed firmly up against Sam's front instead of her back. She rested her head on Sam's shoulder and pressed a kiss to her neck. Sam froze at the contact but then quickly relaxed, wrapping her arms around the redhead. Cat didn't say anything, just continued to quietly sob into Sam's neck as she held her.
"Cat, what's wrong?" Sam asked gently and stroked her red hair. She was becoming more concerned by the second as her friend refused to say anything.
I can't lose her! Cat thought desperately. I love her so much. What am I going to do? God, please, tell me what to do! She felt inconsolable at the thought of Sam dying as her tears continued to stream down her face. She whimpered uncontrollably and Sam felt her heart breaking at the despairing sound. She hated when Cat was sad. The sound of her crying made her heart feel like it was being ripped out. She didn't know what to do but to just hold her and continue to thread her fingers through Cat's soft hair. She felt the redhead's fingers gripping her shirt tightly and noticed that she was also trembling.
Is she afraid? Sam wondered. What is she suddenly so afraid of?
The feeling of Sam's fingers through her hair made Cat calm a bit but she didn't loosen her grip around the blonde. Sam wasn't sure what to do. There was usually a reason for Cat's sudden change of mood but this time, the redhead just remained silent. Silent, except for the sobs that were racking her body. Sam felt Cat's tears on her neck and began rubbing the redhead's back lovingly. Feeling Sam's gentle hands on her back made Cat sigh in relief but she continued to cry quietly.
"You…you would never leave me, right?" Cat asked around a sniffle.
Sam pulled back from the embrace only a few inches to look Cat in the eye. She didn't know what had caused this abrupt change in the redhead. They had been having a great day and then Cat was suddenly so upset. Her brown eyes were red rimmed from crying and she looked so heartbroken.
"Kid, is this about last night?" Sam asked. "I told you, I'm so sorry for that."
"No," Cat cut in, "I mean…would you ever permanently leave me?" Sam just looked at her with sympathy and shock, not believing what she was hearing and unsure of what to say. Sam was still uncertain about her future. When the blonde didn't say anything, Cat's eyebrows scrunched up in sadness again and she started crying even harder, taking Sam's silence as a possible 'yes'.
"Whoa, kid!" Sam said in surprise at her sudden resurgence of tears. "I told you I never had any intention of staying gone. And I have no plans to leave you any time soon."
Cat paused her crying to look up into those big blue eyes, "You…you promise?"
Sam gave her warm smile, "I promise." Cat's heart fluttered at her beautiful smile and she pulled her back in for a hug, nuzzling her face into Sam's neck. Her sobs quieted down and she soon felt better having Sam's arms wrapped lovingly around her, even though the blonde's words, 'any time soon' still bothered her. Did that mean Sam was still planning to leave at some point? And soon could mean a few days or a few months. When she felt Sam's hands gently rubbing her back in a soothing way, Cat smiled and quickly kissed Sam's neck again. Sam's heart sped up again when she felt Cat's soft lips on her delicate skin. They normally weren't this intimate, but any time one of them needed comforting, it was assumed to be appropriate. Afterall, friends comforted each other the same way, right?
Cat marveled at how gentle Sam's hands felt on her back. Hands that could rip a parking meter out of the ground or knock out a trained fighter. The same strong hands that had saved her life were now being so tender and affectionate. Then she felt Sam's hands move to her arms and rubbed them up and down her biceps in a warm, loving way, continuing to comfort her. Sam then gently pulled Cat away from her a few inches to look her in the eye.
She carefully wiped the stray tears away from Cat's face with her thumbs and then kissed her forehead. Cat's heart fluttered and her cheeks flushed. Smiling at her, Sam said, "Come on, kid. I think it's time to start another movie. It's my turn to pick."
She took Cat's hand and led her over to the couch. They got settled and Sam put on Deep Blue Sea. Cat didn't realize it was a scary movie at first, and she kept cuddling closer and closer to Sam as the movie went on and it got darker outside with the setting sun. She kept shielding her eyes during the scary parts with a pillow and Sam finally wrapped her arm around the redhead, making Cat feel safer. She wrapped her arms around the blonde in return and fisted her hands in Sam's shirt to have something to grab onto. Sam's heart raced anytime Cat shifted or snuggled into her and the blonde was worried the redhead could feel her heart pounding away in her chest.
After the movie ended, they got ready for bed. They shut off the lights and got settled in their own beds. Sam was surprised that Cat didn't try to climb into her bed right away. However, she woke up a little later in the night and realized Cat was snuggled up close to her and the redhead's hand was resting on Sam's stomach, under her shirt. Cat was out like a light. She'd tried to sleep in her own bed but needed and craved that close contact from Sam to feel safe and secure. It hadn't taken her long to fall asleep once she had snuggled into the blonde. Sam shivered at the direct contact from Cat's hand on her stomach, but she wrapped her arm around the redhead in return. Cat stirred slightly and nuzzled her face into Sam's neck, humming out a sleepy moan, and finally settled in her sleep.
Sam sighed deeply. The sound seemed heavy in the dark, silent room. I'm in trouble, Sam thought. She'd fallen hard for the redhead and didn't know how much longer she could keep pretending to just care about her as a friend. Then her heart gave a pang of guilt. Will this ever get any easier? she wondered as she thought about Carly and her complicated emotions surrounding the two girls who held her heart. Am I supposed to just forget about Carly? She was such a huge part of my life even before we became a couple. Would it be an insult to Carly's memory to allow myself to love Cat completely? Her heart ached thinking about her previous love. She still wasn't over her death. She didn't know if she ever would be but knew it was even harder because she had basically put her mourning on hold for the longest time after meeting Cat.
And now that she was finally allowing herself to grieve, she felt that loss so profoundly and strongly, right down to her core. She couldn't hold back the sobs that forcefully and suddenly racked her body. They just came out of nowhere and it was impossible for Sam to hold back. Cat woke abruptly, feeling and hearing Sam's crying. She propped herself up on her elbow and leaned over Sam, her heart breaking at the sounds coming from her beloved. She placed her hand on Sam's cheek and brushed away her tears with her thumb.
"Is it Carly?" Cat asked, knowing that it was probably Sam's grief popping up randomly as it's known to do.
Sam simply nodded as she cried. Cat rolled onto her back and pulled Sam over to her, resting the blonde's head on her shoulder. Sam went along with it and wrapped her arm around Cat's waist. Cat, in turn, wrapped her arms around the blonde and gently caressed her back in an attempt to console her. It was usually Sam comforting Cat but it felt good to the blonde for it to be the other way around. She didn't always have to be strong when she was around the redhead. She was finding it calming to be able to let her guard down around someone she had learned to trust.
She had only ever trusted Carly this much and she was surprised to find that Cat had become this person for her. Not a replacement! Sam thought abruptly. She felt guilty for thinking Cat might possibly be a stand-in for Carly. She knew no one could replace Carly in her heart. But could she share that space with someone else? And she also knew that she cared about Cat too much to simply think of her as a substitute. Cat was way more special than that and she deserved better. And suddenly, Sam felt guilty for a whole other reason. Cat deserves someone who can give her their whole heart.
Cat continued to comfort Sam as best as she could as the blonde's body shook with sobs. It broke Cat's heart whenever Sam cried. But she didn't see Sam as weak when she did. If anything, it somehow made Sam seem even stronger and more admirable to let herself be vulnerable with someone and trust that person not to hurt her. Cat stroked Sam's blonde curls and soon she calmed. Her sniffles came less and less, and her breathing seemed to even out. After a few moments, her crying had stopped altogether and Cat looked down to see that Sam had fallen asleep, probably from sheer exhaustion; her cheek laying blissfully on Cat's chest. It was amazing how much grief could drain a person.
Cat sighed in relief, knowing Sam was sleeping peacefully now. The redhead was glad that she could be Sam's shoulder to cry on. She knew that Sam wouldn't allow herself to break down in front of just anyone. And she was glad that Sam trusted her enough for that. Cat kissed the top of Sam's head and then she soon felt herself starting to drift off to sleep. But before she was able to, that worrisome phone call from Freddie Benson popped back in her head and her concern for the blonde laying in her arms came back full force. She wondered if Sam was strong enough to survive such a loss. She wondered if she, herself, could survive if she ever lost Sam.
Later in the night, Sam woke to the sound of Cat mumbling in her sleep. They were still in the same position they had fallen asleep in, with Sam's head on Cat's chest. The blonde lifted her head and peered at Cat's face. She could just make out her features in the dark. The redhead was still asleep with her eyes closed but her eyebrows were scrunched up in sadness and her head was turning from side to side as she dreamed.
"Sam," Cat mumbled in her sleep, "please, don't leave me." It came out as a whispered sob but Sam heard her. The redhead sounded so sad and it broke Sam's heart. "Sam!" Cat sobbed out loud. "Please don't…don't do it!" She sounded like she was crying in her sleep. "Sam, noooo!" Sam couldn't take any more.
She leaned up and caressed Cat's cheek with her hand. "Cat?" Sam whispered, trying to wake the redhead gently. "Cat," Sam repeated and gently shook her shoulder. Cat finally stirred awake and when she saw Sam, she grabbed her in a fierce hug and sobbed out loud. If Sam didn't know better, she'd say the redhead sounded like she was in mourning. The two were on their sides laying facing each other with Cat clinging desperately to Sam as if she were afraid the blonde would disappear. The redhead continued to cry loudly, soaking the front of Sam's shirt in the process.
Sam stroked her hair and tried to comfort her. "Hey, it's okay," Sam soothed, "I'm here. Nothing bad is happening. It was just a bad dream." Sam didn't mind being Cat's shoulder especially since Cat had just done the same for her earlier in the night. And Sam felt bad for making Cat worry about her possibly leaving. She never meant to make her feel abandoned when she left the other night. Sam felt it was her fault for making Cat worry in the first place. But what Sam didn't know was, Cat had been having a dream about Sam killing herself. In the dream, Cat had tried to prevent it, but she had failed. And one of Cat's greatest fears was that Sam would inevitably disappear forever. She didn't know what she would do without Sam.
Cat continued to cling to Sam and cry uncontrollably for several minutes and all Sam could do was hold her, unsure of what else to do. Cat had her face buried in Sam's chest as she cried, with their arms wrapped around each other. After several minutes, Cat's crying calmed a bit and she pulled back a couple inches to look up at Sam. She realized their faces were just inches apart. Sam gulped as she stared into Cat's red and puffy eyes and the redhead just stared right back.
They could each feel the heat of the other as they laid facing each other. Sam's breathing picked up as she realized just how close the two of them were to each other. Her eyes glanced down to Cat's pink lips, just barely visible in the dark room. She licked her lips and then her blue eyes went back to gazing into Cat's brown ones. Sam noted that Cat's eyes never looked so big and adorable, yet sad with just a hint of fear from her recent dream. Cat's heart was pounding in anticipation and desire and she wanted to kiss her so badly but was afraid to make the first move. She didn't want to scare Sam away again and she was trying to respect the blonde during her time of grief.
Sam was conflicted. She so wanted to kiss the redhead in that moment but her grief prevented her, and she didn't want to make Cat feel awkward since she just woke up from an obviously upsetting dream. The blonde didn't know if this was the right time for a kiss, whether it was for comfort or something more. Sam closed her eyes and sighed, half in frustration and half in defeat.
She finally settled for resting her forehead against Cat's and the redhead gently cupped Sam's face with her palm. She lovingly stroked Sam's cheek with her thumb and the blonde finally opened her eyes to stare longingly into Cat's. The look on the blonde's face was unmistakable. It was sadness, mixed with both longing and guilt. Sam eventually shifted, laying on her back and rolling Cat to curl up on her side with the redhead's cheek resting on Sam's chest. The roles had been reversed only a couple hours prior. But now that Cat's crying had ceased, it seemed that they were both comforting each other at the same time.
The wind howled through the trees outside and a light pitter patter of rain began to hit the windows. And in an instant, Sam was transferred back to Seattle in her mind from the familiar sound. To those cold nights when Carly would cuddle up close to her in the brunette's bed, seeking the familiar warmth, comfort, and protection that only Sam could provide her.
The blonde instinctively tightened her hold on the redhead and stroked her back comfortingly, just as she used to do with Carly. But this time, she fought the feeling of guilt that accompanied that action. The whole past year living with Cat, whenever she did something like this that reminded her of Carly, her guilt came at her. And she usually just let it eat her up, feeling like she somehow deserved it for letting such a pure and beautiful soul die and leave this world. Even though she knew deep down that it wasn't her fault. It was an accident. A tragic accident that had nothing to do with her. But Sam felt that if she had only been her usual selfish, stubborn self that Carly would still be here. If Sam had only said, "No, Carly, I don't want you to go. Stay with me!", the beautiful brunette would still be here. Or maybe Carly would have gone anyway.
But for the first time since Carly's death, Sam was fighting against the guilt that tried to consume her, refusing to let it get a stronghold on her again. She knew Carly wouldn't hate her for moving on and being happy. If anything, Carly would want her to. That's the way Carly was. Loving, understanding, and selfless. Sam had been so sucked down into the horrible pit of despair that came from loss during that month she had been traveling the country, that she couldn't see the light. Not until that day she saw a redhaired girl get tossed into the back of a garbage truck. It was like Sam had been wandering around in the dark for an entire month and then all of the sudden, there was a light to follow. A source of hope and happiness. From that day on, Cat had been that source of light for her. Something to run towards on those days when her depression was trying to overtake her.
Cat didn't know it, but she had saved the blonde that first day they met too. Because Sam had been planning to end her life that day. Or the following day. Whatever seemed to go along with her plans. She had seen the country as she had set out to do and ended up in LA. And her journey was done. The only thing left to do was end the pain and be with Carly. But Cat had given Sam a reason to stick around and she actually helped numb the suffering Sam had endlessly been in. There had been no reprieve from the agony of her loss and when Cat came into her life, suddenly there was this feeling of relief she didn't know she could ever feel again.
Sam looked down at the redhead in her arms and smiled, feeling the guilt of her love slowly dissipate. In that moment, she vowed to find the right time to tell Cat how much she meant to her and that she had saved her that day too and didn't even know it. They had saved each other. But she knew she couldn't tell her anytime soon. Doing so would be admitting out loud that she had been planning her 'end' and she didn't want to scare the redhead with that information. She would wait once they were both in a better headspace.
Even that second day they spent together babysitting, the redhead had saved her and didn't know it when she nonchalantly asked Sam to stay, and mentioned how they had that "whole fun odd couple dynamic, built-in conflict" and "lots of potential for more adventures". Sam had been about to leave that night and 'complete her mission' and had even given all the money they made babysitting to Cat, knowing she wouldn't need it. But then she saw how much Cat wanted her to stay and Sam decided to put it off for a while and see how things went.
"I kinda don't have anywhere I really need to be," Sam had said, "and you kinda seem like you need a roommate."
Sam smiled thinking about that night and Cat's reaction. "Oh, my gosh! This is the best day ever!" Cat had exclaimed like Sam had just made her day. Or her year. As if she couldn't be happier to have Sam from iCarly as a roommate. Looking back to those first two days with the redhead, it seemed like fate to Sam. Like it was meant to be. Sam was meant to see the redhead in that moment and save her life. And in return, Cat would save hers.
Sam didn't go around admitting it, but Cat made her happy. Just being around the redhead made her feel like anything was possible. As they laid in bed, Sam kissed the top of Cat's head and then closed her eyes, finally feeling at peace for the first time in months. She knew her depression and guilt weren't gone for good and that it was a process that took time. But for right now, she was elated to have Cat in her arms.
The next day found the two girls separate from each other; Sam with Dice training at Punchy's Gym, and Cat babysitting by herself. Cat would have rather gone to watch Sam train but couldn't cancel their babysitting appointment since they needed the money and she didn't want to be rude and unprofessional. She sighed, missing Sam already. It had only been a half hour and Jill, the little girl she was taking care of, was nice but she hated babysitting alone. It made Cat feel even lonelier than usual.
She knew Sam needed to train though and she acted fine when the blonde had said goodbye to her this morning. But ever since Sam had come clean to her about her past, Cat had felt the need to be closer to Sam even more than before. Plus, if Cat were being honest with herself, she knew that part of the reason she wanted to be with Sam at the gym was because she had been worried about that Jenna girl (or any girl, for that matter) coming on to Sam again.
Now that Cat knew for sure that Sam was interested in girls, she felt she had to worry even more that some beautiful girl would take Sam away from her. L.A. had no shortage of attractive women. And Sam was drop-dead gorgeous even when she wasn't trying to be. Cat had seen, time and time again, how the blonde caused many heads to turn (men and women) and Sam seemed oblivious to most of them. It was impossible not to notice Sam.
But Cat knew she didn't want to be like Jade had been when she was dating Beck. The goth girl was so jealous anytime another girl even talked to Beck and would often threaten violence to anyone who eyed him or showed any interest in him whatsoever. Cat shuddered at being that outwardly jealous even though she'd felt that way before about Sam and now understood her goth friend's possessiveness. Cat felt very overprotective and clingy when it came to Sam.
When they'd woken up this morning, nothing seemed awkward from the previous night. They had both needed comforting and were there for each other. Sam seemed to be in a better mood and was even more affectionate to her than usual; looking her in the eye longer than was normal, smiling at her in appreciation for being there for her and even letting Cat hug her before she left for the gym (also longer than usual). Sam had enthusiastically wolfed down her breakfast of oatmeal, eggs, and fresh fruit; thanking Cat for making it for her. And she had even kissed the top of Cat's head on the way out the door without even thinking about it.
But Cat was still worried. Worried about the prospect of someone else catching Sam's eye and also, worried about Sam possibly 'leaving permanently' in the other way. What if Freddie is right? Cat thought in fear. What if Sam is just waiting for the one-year anniversary and she's just making my last weeks with her as peaceful as possible for my sake? Oh, god! Is that the only reason Sam is being so pleasant towards me? Because she knows I like her that way and she's just trying to pacify me? As she sat at the kitchen table coloring quietly with Jill, she continued to contemplate things. Sam doesn't seem suicidal though, she thought. But then again, plenty of people don't seem that way just before they do it. And Sam has reason for it. But still, her depression doesn't seem constant. But Cat knew that didn't matter.
Depression didn't have to be constant for someone to reach their breaking point. And Cat had had experience with depression herself. She could be totally fine and even happy one minute and then crying and feeling like everything was hopeless the next. And Sam had been breaking down more the past couple days since she finally told Cat about Carly. Am I really the person to try to help Sam? What if she 'does it' and it's my fault for not stopping her? Like in my dream. Maybe Freddie is right. Or maybe Sam just needs to talk to someone else. Someone like a therapist. She doesn't need to be on 'suicide watch' to be helped.
And why would Sam start this new MMA career full force if she weren't planning to be here in the next month or two? Is she really just doing it to help me out with the bills for a little while? Until she's gone? Does she feel guilty for planning to 'go' and wants to leave me with some money? Oh, god! Cat's pulse picked up as her worry took over. She'd paused her coloring and hadn't even noticed she'd broken the crayon she had been holding until Jill looked up at her with a confused look on her face.
"Oops," Cat said and forced a fake smile for Jill's sake. She grabbed another one from the box and continued coloring; Jill focusing back on her own drawing. Maybe I can give her enough reasons to stick around, Cat thought. She started pondering different ideas to make Sam happy and want to stay. I can make her favorite foods and keep the apartment clean and take the majority of the workload when babysitting. But Cat then frowned thinking that she had already been doing those things for a while now. Maybe I need to start showing her how much I really care, even more. But how to do it without scaring her off?
"Alright, Sam. Come take a water break," Dice hollered to the blonde.
Sam sprinted over to the bench where her duffle bag was sitting and pulled out her water bottle, taking a few sips from it.
"So, how are things going…w-with you and Cat?" Dice asked somewhat apprehensively. He'd been wanting to ask ever since his conversation with the redhead.
Sam pulled the water bottle away from her mouth and, after catching her breath asked, "How do you mean?" She gave him a quizzical look with a raised eyebrow and a hint of irritation on her face.
"Oh, nothing," Dice answered casually, "just…in general. How are things going?"
"Fine," Sam said pointedly. "Thanks for asking." She sounded amused with a touch of teasing thrown in.
"Anything you want to…talk about?" Dice asked. He'd wondered if Cat had talked to Sam yet about her feelings for her.
Sam glared at him and replied with, "There's obviously something you want me to talk about so just say it!" She took another swig of her water. Sam wasn't one to beat around the bush.
"Okay, fine," Dice said, cutting to the chase, "have you asked her out yet?"
All the water in Sam's mouth went shooting out across Dice's face, the spray completely drenching him. The question had taken her by surprise. She would have laughed at the look on Dice's face after the spit-take but she was still stunned by his question and she coughed a few times, trying to clear her throat. Luckily, she hadn't choked.
"What?!" Sam croaked out in surprise once she was able to.
Dice grabbed a fresh towel and dried himself with it. "Look, you may punch me for this, but I know you like Cat, and I…get the feeling that she…may like you in return. So, I just thought you might need a little nudge in the right direction." He didn't want to tell Sam anything that Cat had told him in confidence so he just said the words he would have said had she never told him. And Sam and Cat were two of his best friends. He wanted them to be happy.
Sam's angry glare turned to one of surprise and embarrassment. She hadn't realized the curly haired boy had picked up on so much. Could everyone tell she liked Cat? She didn't think she had been that obvious but then again, when Cat was around her, it was hard to focus on anything else except the redhead.
"H-How did you…Wha…?" Sam stuttered over her words. Sure, Dice had asked about their relationship before but now he was coming right out and saying he knew Sam liked the redhead, not even afraid of what Sam would do to him for it.
"I'm young. I'm not blind," he replied. "The sooner you acknowledge it, the sooner you can be with her."
"It's not that simple," Sam said, setting her water bottle down and grabbing a towel to dab at her face with.
"Why?" Dice asked in confusion. "You like her and she likes you. What's the problem? Are you afraid to be out?"
"No," Sam mumbled.
"Are you worried she won't like you in return? Because if that's the case-"
"No, it's not that." Sam replied.
"Then what is it?" Dice asked curiously.
"It's stuff I'd rather not talk about with you. Stuff from my past."
"Fair enough," Dice said simply, assuming it had something to do with Carly's death. He'd read the news after it broke that Carly Shay from iCarly had been on the plane that went missing in the Atlantic. "But I'm here if you ever want to talk. And I'm sure Cat wouldn't mind listening either." Sam looked over to him deep in thought and he added, "Go ahead and take a few minutes to rest. I'm gonna hit the head."
Dice headed off towards the restrooms and Sam sat down on the bench and sighed. She smiled thinking about Cat and wondered how she was doing babysitting alone. As if her thoughts had somehow reached the redhead, her cell dinged with a text message notification. Pulling her phone out of her bag, she saw that it was a text from Cat.
I've been thinking about you all morning. Hope you're training is going well.
Sam smiled as her heart fluttered and she replied back with a text of her own. She had wanted to thank Cat for being there for her and also wanted to relieve her of any worry the redhead might have had. So, being the humorous person that she was, earlier that morning, Sam had left something for Cat to find.
Cat sat at the kitchen table waiting for a reply and she sighed when she didn't receive one after a few moments. She assumed Sam was probably too busy working out to hear her phone. But just as she set her phone down, it dinged with a text. Cat's heart leapt and she opened the message.
It is. Thanks. I left you something in the freezer. Two things, actually. Hope you enjoy. 😊
Cat excitedly went over to the fridge and yanked open the freezer door to find one of her pink bras laying inside, frozen stiff. Pulling the frosty, rigid garment out, she "humphed" but then a grin spread across her face. The trick had almost instantly relieved Cat of her worry over the blonde, putting her at ease. Sam had done this before with one of her bras, laughing and saying, "Hey, now it's a brrrr-a."
Cat giggled and then texted back:
Sam! That was one of my good bras!
But she wasn't mad at the blonde. She couldn't be. This was Sam being her usual, humorous self and it was comforting.
Sorry, Red. I couldn't resist. I just wanted to make you laugh. But don't worry, it'll thaw and be good as new. And I left you something else in there too. It's in the door.
Cat then looked in the freezer door to find a king-sized package of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. The redhead gasped and smiled enthusiastically. It was one of her favorite candy bars.
Aw, Sammy! Thank you!
No problem, kid. Gotta get back to the mats now but I'll see you later.
Okay, be safe! I miss you!
Miss you too.
Cat's heart fluttered at Sam's response. A few months ago, she wouldn't have even replied to that kind of a message and would have just left Cat hanging. At the very least, she would have never admitted to missing Cat. But something had shifted in their dynamic very recently and the redhead could feel it. Their relationship to each other was evolving and Cat was excited to see where it went. Or is she just being nice? Cat wondered. She has to at least care about me. She said as much. Cat continued to think about Sam as she went back over and colored with Jill. She desperately wanted Sam to love her the way she loved Sam. The more she thought about her favorite person, the more she missed her.
A few hours later, Cat heard Sam's motorcycle approaching and her heart fluttered in excitement. "Yay, Sam's home!" the redhead exclaimed happily without even thinking about it. Jill smiled at her and then continued drawing.
Sam came through the back patio doors a few moments later and said, "Hey, I'm back!" She set her bag down and took off her jacket; hanging it on a nearby rack on the wall.
Cat smiled happily at Sam, "Yay, I love when you're back!" She'd said that sentiment to her before and meant it every time. She got up from the kitchen table and ran over to Sam, enveloping her in an instant hug. Sam looked surprised but grinned and then returned the hug. The redhead smiled even wider when she felt Sam's arms wrap around her.
Jill looked up from her coloring and smiled at the two of them. "You two are cute," she noted out loud and the two roommates blushed and then pulled back from the hug, staring at each other embarrassed. Cat continued to grin at Sam and blush profusely. Sam just pursed her lips, trying not to make a big deal out of the moment.
"I wish my parents hugged like that when they greet each other," Jill added on. This only fueled their embarrassment. Neither Sam nor Cat said anything. The blonde went over and grabbed a juice out of the fridge. She screwed the top off and took a long swig. "My parents always kiss when one of them comes home. It's so gross!" Jill said with a grimace. "But I guess it wouldn't be so bad for two girls to kiss. Mom has to kiss a boy and that's just icky! Boys are so gross! Do you two kiss?"
"Um, Jill?" Cat interrupted the little girl with an embarrassed blush, "would you like a snack?"
"Sure!" Jill exclaimed excitedly. Cat brought over a little package of fruit gummies to Jill and the girl started munching on them happily and went back to her coloring. Cat sighed in relief to see that Jill was quiet now, having forgotten her question about kissing. The redhead glanced nervously over to Sam to see her leaning against the kitchen island sipping her juice and staring out the window over the sink, looking nonchalant.
Cat was worried that Jill had somehow upset Sam but the blonde was quiet for a whole other reason. Something Jill had said took her back to the past. The comment about boys being so gross. It brought her back to that day she had started working at Chili My Bowl to pay Carly and Freddie back all the money she had borrowed from them. She'd been so upset about working. It had been her first job and it was horrible. She'd stopped by Carly's after work one night and cried in her arms, telling the brunette all the disgusting things she had to do. One of her job duties had been cleaning urinals. "Boys are so gro-ho-hossss!" she sobbed as she clung to Carly.
It seemed like everything reminded her of Carly somehow. Every time she saw a passenger jet in the sky, it made her think of her death and how scared she must have been as the plane went down; wondering if she would ever see her loved ones again. Every time Sam passed by a smoothie place, it reminded her of home and all the many times she, Carly, and Freddie would sit around a table at the Groovy Smoothie, chatting and laughing and enjoying their lives; something she would never do again. Every time she saw a happy couple, it made her heart ache. The whole world just kept on spinning and everyone else just kept going on with their lives when she felt like hers had ended. And no one even knew. No one knew the agony she was in on a daily basis. And it felt like no one cared.
How can all these people just go on with their lives when the most tragic thing in the world has happened? Don't they know that the world just lost one of the most beautiful souls it would ever have? Sam had wondered multiple times.
She sighed heavily as she stood at the kitchen island. She turned around, set her juice down, and gripped the edge of the counter in both hands. Keep it together, Puckett! You will not lose it right now! There's a kid in the room.
But suddenly she was brought back to that night. That horrible night she wanted to forget forever. The night of her trauma. The night she'd gotten that phone call from Spencer telling her that Carly's plane went down in the ocean. Her face had suddenly felt hot and fear had shot through her after Spencer gave her the news. She had crumbled to her knees, the phone falling out of her hand. The room felt like it was spinning and she crouched down on the floor on her hands and knees trying to breathe. The whole room warped and looked blurry. She couldn't think straight. No, it's the wrong plane. They made a mistake.
"Sam?! Sam?!" she'd heard Spencer shouting over the phone. She picked it up and shakily held it up to her ear.
"Are you sure?" was all she could say. Her voice was barely a whisper.
"Yes," Spencer had replied sadly. "There was a distress call and then it disappeared off radar. That's typical while it's going over the ocean but it never reappeared when it should have."
The Shays had a family friend who worked with the airline and multiple connections with the military and that's how Spencer found out before anyone else. It would be the next morning when they confirmed that the plane never made it to its destination.
Sam continued to grip the countertop and tried to steady her breathing.
"I'm gonna get started on lunch," Cat said and started pulling items out of the fridge. The redhead's voice halfway pulled Sam out of her memories but they were still tugging at her. A few minutes later, the doorbell rang. "Ding dong!" Cat mimicked the doorbell. "I'll get it."
Cat went over and opened the front door. It was Jill's mother picking her up. Sam couldn't make out what they were saying. It felt like the room was warping again. Their voices sounded so far away. Sam's breathing hitched as she was brought back to the past once again; her memories overwhelming her. She left the room, quietly heading for the bedroom.
Jill's mom paid Cat and then the two soon left after she thanked them for babysitting. When Cat turned around, she noticed that Sam was nowhere in sight. She called out, "Sam?" When she didn't get a reply, she went to search their bedroom.
Sam was standing at the foot of her bed, leaning both hands against the mattress and gripping the sheets firmly. She tried to stay in the present but her memories were taking her back, making her relive that horrible day. I'm in LA, she thought desperately, trying to ground herself in reality. I'm standing in my bedroom. I'm safe. This isn't happening again. But her breathing was erratic, on the verge of a panic attack.
Carly's plane never made it to Italy. Spencer's voice echoed in her mind. She'd known what that meant immediately. Carly was dead. Dead. Sam hated that word. She wanted to scrub it out of every dictionary.
Cat entered the room and saw Sam leaning against her bed, her head hanging low. The blonde was breathing heavily, as if she were on the verge of an anxiety attack, and fear and sympathy gripped the redhead.
"Oh, Sam!" Cat exclaimed, compassion overwhelming her.
She suddenly hugged Sam from behind, wrapping her arms around the blonde tightly and resting her cheek on her back. Cat didn't need to ask. She knew Sam was deep in her despair and grief. Sam began sobbing uncontrollably, tears slipping down her face.
That night after she had gotten off the phone with Spencer, something strange had happened. She felt like her world was spinning out of control, her grief causing her to lose it. She remembered standing in the doorway of her bedroom, gripping the doorframe and crying profusely. She thought she was going to die from her sudden sorrow at losing Carly. The emotions were too intense and she felt physical pain in her body from them. She lost control of her breathing and didn't know if she was hyperventilating or having a heart attack.
Then all the sudden, she felt something leave her. She felt a tugging sensation, like part of her pulled away from her chest and head. She didn't know if part of her soul had left her or if a switch had flipped in her brain. But she felt it. And suddenly she stopped crying. She was able to breathe. It felt like her emotions shut off automatically. She didn't make it happen on purpose. Looking back on it, it was almost like her body did it on its own as a survival mechanism. She was literally beside herself with grief. And her brain and body had done the only thing it could to make her survive it.
She remembered standing up straight, wiping her face and then went back to bed. She did all the normal things one does before going to bed. It was like her body was on autopilot and her mind was on standby, just going through the motions. She went back to bed that night and didn't cry again until the next day when reality hit her. She had no idea what had happened to her and she had been trying to figure out ever since.
She'd looked it up on the internet and the closest thing she could find to what she experienced was 'dissociation'. Or some form of it. Luckily, it had only been temporary. But unfortunately for Sam, her emotions had come back full force the next day and she had a hard time dealing. The loss was so sudden and unexpected. She would go through several days of denial and numbness and then go right back to the intense grief and pain. So, she started denying her emotions and putting her grief on hold. They would pop up every now and then but she wasn't doing herself any favors by avoiding them. She was paying the consequences now by not dealing with them when they came naturally.
Coming back to the present, her body shook with sobs and Cat continued to hug her from behind. The redhead let her own tears fall silently. She hurt whenever Sam hurt. She didn't say anything. She just let Sam cry, something she had desperately been needing to do over the past several months. She'd denied her sorrow for too long and now it was coming out whether she wanted it to or not.
Sam couldn't stop crying. She wanted to. She wanted to be strong and not show how much she was hurting in front of Cat but her body wouldn't let her. It was uncontrollable and undeniable. This, in and of itself, was upsetting to Sam. Not being able to stop sobbing was disturbing and scary, which just made her want to cry even harder. She usually had full control of her emotions but her body and mind had had enough. She couldn't deny and repress any longer. Her body wasn't having it. Is this what a mental breakdown is? she wondered. Well, crying is better than a panic attack, I guess.
She noted that the crying, at least, allowed her to breathe. Maybe that's why her body was forcing her to cry. To not only have that catharsis that she so desperately needed, but also so she could breathe. Her anxiety had almost gotten the better of her and then the sobs had come overpoweringly. When she'd started crying, she honestly didn't know why. She'd felt more fear and anxiety than sadness in that moment. But it made sense. It was her fear that had brought it on. Her fear of returning to that night and reliving the moment of her trauma all over again. And she wondered if it was common for the sudden loss of a loved one to cause PTSD.
After several minutes of unrelenting sobbing, Sam was finally able to calm a bit, but only after her body was satisfied at the release, and she felt exhausted and drained. Cat didn't make a move to let go. She just continued to hug her, and Sam just let her. The blonde felt lucky to have Cat. Not only was she a source of comfort but the redhead also didn't question her about her pain. She just silently understood. And Cat didn't make Sam feel weak or uncomfortable about letting her sorrow out. Sam also realized that it was better to be around someone she trusted, rather than to be completely alone in her grief.
She'd been alone that whole month she was on the road. At times she felt relieved that she didn't have to be around anyone else. But now, she also realized that if she had been surrounded by loved ones, maybe she could have grieved in a more normal way. Maybe she could have also let go of her guilt sooner and not felt like she needed to punish herself. Being alone in her grief also made her contemplate her 'end' more. It wasn't healthy shutting everyone out and also ignoring her emotions. It took Sam a long time to realize that she needed people in her life. She couldn't do everything on her own, even though she was used to it. She finally understood that it was okay to ask for help.
Finally letting Cat in on her huge secret really helped. She was grateful to the redhead. She felt bad putting all this pressure on her but she was relieved to have her. Sam felt Cat place a kiss on her back and then rested her cheek between her shoulder blades. The blonde smiled at this. She reached a hand up and caressed Cat's arm that was wrapped around her chest, her fingers lightly grazing her skin. The redhead smiled at the contact and she blushed. Despite her feeling sad for Sam, she felt her heart speed up. She couldn't turn off her feelings for her beautiful roommate. She hated that Sam was going through such hell but she was glad she could be the one to make her feel better. And no matter how long it took, Cat was determined to be the one to save Sam. To bring her back from her torment and make her see that life was worth living. And Cat was willing to sacrifice her own needs and wellbeing in order to accomplish it; just as the blonde had done when she jumped into the garbage truck to save her. Cat would do anything to make it happen. Sam was worth it.
AN: Just another friendly reminder to PLEASE REVIEW. And it may be a while before I post the next chapter. It's slow going because I'm working on four different stories at once. Also, for those of you who are only here for the end notes, yes, I'm still working on my Cam fics. I have not abandoned any of them. Feel free to message me or leave a comment for those stories, pushing me to update. It actually helps, as long as you're nice about it. :)