Author's Note: This will be the last update of this year. I wish all of you a Happy New Year. Let's hope 2021 is a lot better than 2020 has been.

XXX

When the Destroyer went on its rampage it scattered the local wildlife and monster populations. Many bandits and criminals also decided to take advantage of the recent chaos to increase their activity. As a result, there had been a massive increase in mission requests as well as bounties. (Darkness made a deliberate effort to not look at any of the bounties, especially the most recent one.) There were a lot of missions available, but Kazuma saw her eyes go to the oldest one on the board. It had been sitting there for well over a year now.

"No dragons!" Kazuma declared before she could even open her mouth.

Darkness turned to him with a pout. "You said I could pick any mission I liked."

"I meant one we might actually survive."

"What do you mean?" Megumin demanded. "With my power we can absolutely take that stupid dragon down!"

"Assuming you even get a chance before we all get burned to a crisp." He gave Darkness a shake of his head. "No dragons, got it?"

"You said we could go any mission I chose. Are you already breaking your promise to me, Kazuma?"

"I apologize for trying to avoid a bad end," he waved an arm at the board and all the requests that literally covered it. "Look, you can pick anything that doesn't involve a dragon. All I'm asking is that it be something we at least have a chance of living through okay? There are ogres, trolls, giants, manticores, and wyverns. Any of those should do, right?"

She gave a disappointed sigh. "Very well, I will try to find something else."

Darkness refocused on the board and was carefully looking over every last sheet that had been pinned up. Seeing how intensely she was studying the board made Kazuma nervous. His party was by far the strongest still based in Axel. So, the guild tended to expect them to handle the most dangerous jobs. Kazuma knew that sooner or later he and his friends would have to deal with all these crazy dangerous requests. That didn't mean he was eager to put his team in serious danger. The fact he was expecting great sales numbers for HeroMon on the international market made him even less keen to put all their lives at risk. He already regretted the promise he'd made Darkness, but it was the only thing he could think of that would get her to forgive him.

Well, he thought, so long as it doesn't involve the Black Dread, we should be able to survive at least.

Darkness was looking over one particular mission when Kazuma saw her cheeks start to blush and her breathing got noticeably heavier. He gulped. Darkness getting excited was always a bad sign. She snatched the request she'd been ogling and held it out to him.

"This one! This is the mission I wish to go on!"

Kazuma nervously took the sheet from her and began looking it over. He was very surprised to discover it didn't involve subjugating a super dangerous monster. Instead, it was a low-level retrieval, the sort of job a rookie party might take on.

"Please find our lost dog Poochie. He is a brown terrier who answers to his name, he has a collar and tag. He is lost somewhere in the Enchanted Wood. A reward of ten thousand eris is offered. Please find our dog!" Kazuma looked at her in surprise. "This is what you want to do? Seriously?"

Her cheeks were flushed, and she avoided looking him in the eye. "Th… there's no dragon, so it's fine, is it not?"

Seeing her reaction had alarm bells going off in his head. Darkness was a really nice person when she wasn't acting like a raging masochist. Wanting to find a lost dog was absolutely something she would do. What made him suspicious was her excitement.

Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "Okay, why exactly do you want us to do this job?"

"N… No reason i… in particular," she continued avoiding his eyes. "I… I would just like to h… help this family find their lost pet."

"Uh huh," her heavy breathing and the way she shivered was only making him even more nervous. "Hey, what do you think?" He handed the request to Megumin. She took it from him and looked it over.

"The dog's lost in the Enchanted Wood."

"Is it dangerous? I've heard the place mentioned a few times but that's all."

Megumin cast a sideways glance to Darkness. She then shrugged and handed to paper back to Kazuma.

"Nah, it's not dangerous, there are only a few minor monsters that live there. Along with… faeries."

"Oh? Faeries, is that all?" He had never run into any and had never seen any requests about them. Kazuma instantly thought of the RPGs from his old world. Faeries were often depicted as helpful creatures. When they were monsters, they were low-level ones similar in power to slimes or fighting mushrooms. "Well, that doesn't sound bad."

He completely missed a look that passed between the two girls.

"Okay then," Kazuma said. "We'll take this mission."

The way Darkness shuddered when he said that almost made him change his mind.

XXX

The Enchanted Wood was three days from Axel. They made it there without incident. When they entered the wood Kazuma didn't notice anything unusual. If anything, he found the forest especially serene and majestic. There were many wildflowers filling the scene and sunlight streaming down through the branches. There was no sign of human settlement, not even foot paths through the grass. His detect enemy ability found nothing. So far as Kazuma could tell it was just a beautiful and serene place.

As soon as they arrived, they began searching for Poochie. Kazuma had tracking ability, but that didn't help when he couldn't spot any dog tracks. The three of them began wandering the forest calling the dog's name. As they went Darkness spoke with Kazuma.

"Kazuma, I am guessing there are no faeries in Japan."

"That's right. I've told you there are no monsters, elves, dwarves, bunny girls or anything like that where I come from."

"I thought as much," Darkness muttered. "Well, there is said to be a whole fae village hidden somewhere in this forest. So, the faeries are very active."

"Is that a problem? I haven't detected any enemies so far. Should I worry?"

"I don't think there's any danger of us being attacked," Darkness said picking her words with care. "Faeries aren't known to be overtly hostile or violent."

Kazuma stopped walking and stared at her. "Why do I hear a 'but' coming?"

Darkness began rubbing at her arm. "Well… they have inherent magical abilities. They are especially strong when it comes to illusion, nature, and the bending of reality."

Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "And?"

"Ah, they have a reputation for being mischievous with those who visit their lands."

"Mischievous? What exactly does that mean?"

"Well…"

"They're assholes," Megumin supplied helpfully.

Kazuma blinked. "Come again?"

"Faeries are the jerks of the enchanted realm," Megumin explained. "They don't usually attack or hurt people, but they'll pull all sorts of magical pranks to embarrass or humiliate them."

Kazuma turned to glare at Darkness. "And suddenly everything makes sense."

Darkness blushed and looked away.

"Okay, now I know why Darkness wanted to come here. I didn't know any better. Megumin, why didn't you say anything?"

The explosion loli shrugged. "Eh, Darkness was eager, and I figured I'd help her out."

"So, I guess you're not worried about the faeries pranking you?"

"Are you kidding?" Megumin had a smug grin. "I am the greatest spell caster of the Crimson Demon Clan. What can a bunch of dumb faeries do to me?'

"Megumin," Darkness sounded concerned. "They could be listening in on us at this very moment. You should be more careful with what you say."

"Hah! If any stupid faeries want to mess with me, they're welcome to try. I say bring it-" Before she could complete her thought Megumin tripped over her own feet. She landed face first into a puddle of mud that none of them had noticed before that moment. Megumin came up sputtering, her entire face and head coated in mud.

Kazuma looked all about. "I think faeries are awesome! Faeries are the best! Yay faeries!"

XXX

Kazuma's initial reaction was to just turn around and leave the Enchanted Wood. Not surprisingly, Darkness insisted they stay. She claimed it would be unfair to the family to just abandon the assignment now that they were there. Darkness made her intentions sound quite noble, but Kazuma damn well knew she was just hoping to be humiliated. He was caught off guard when Megumin was just as adamant they stay. She was stubbornly determined not to let the faeries think they'd scared her off.

Kazuma was less than thrilled, but he agreed to search for Poochie for three days. If they didn't find the dog by then they were leaving.

They spent the rest of the day searching for Poochie without success. Kazuma never had his Detect Enemy ability activated and never spotted any sign of the fae. Meanwhile, an entire wasp nest fell on Megumin's head, she sat on a porcupine, and somehow fell into a meadow of poison ivy.

"Faeries really are assholes," Megumin loudly declared as they sat around the campfire having dinner.

Kazuma stared at her. "Isn't Darkness the one who's supposed to be a glutton for punishment?"

"Megumin," Darkness said. "You should have more of a care for what you say while we are in this forest. If it weren't for Kazuma healing you, you'd be in a very poor condition."

"Whatever," she finished her dinner and got up. "Since we're going to make camp, I'm going to blow some trees up."

"No, you're not," Kazuma told her.

"Huh? You always let me cast explosion at the end of the day when we make camp!"

"Yeah, if you haven't noticed things have been a little different today. How about you not blow up part of the forest that these faeries live in, okay?"

Darkness was nodding. "There is a fae village hidden somewhere in these woods. It would not be wise to risk bringing harm to it."

"Plus," Kazuma added. "If Poochie really is alive and somewhere in these woods you might kill him by mistake. So, no explosions as long as we're still searching."

"That's not fair! I've had the worst day of my entire life and now you're telling me I can't even blow something up!"

"Hey, the second we find Poochie and complete the job you can go nuts. But until then no big booms. Got it?"

"How am I supposed to relax if I can't use explosion magic?"

"Just masturbate like a normal girl. Look, I'll even give you permission to think of me while you do it."

"Fireball!"

XXX

After healing his burns and spanking Megumin, Kazuma got a good night's sleep. He was shaken awake by Darkness.

"Kazuma! Kazuma wake up!"

"Wha… What?"

"Megumin is missing!"

"Wait, what do you mean she's missing?"

He sat up and looked around. Sure, enough her blankets were empty and there was no sign of her. Kazuma quickly put his boots on and began searching.

"There's no sign of a struggle, and the monster repeller is still working."

"Then what do you think happened to her?"

"I've got no idea," he continued looking around. That was when he spotted her. "You have got to be kidding me."

"What is it?" Darkness asked.

Kazuma pointed up. She looked in that direction and saw Megumin peacefully dozing up in some branches about thirty feet off the ground. "Megumin!"

"Huh?" Megumin spoke still half asleep and rolled over to her side, promptly falling out of the tree. She plummeted to the ground she was suddenly wide awake. "Aaaaaahhhh!"

Darkness managed to catch her and somewhat soften her impact. Kazuma hurried over to them and was relived to see Megumin was just bruised. He never doubted Darkness would be fine.

"I really, really, really hate faeries!"

XXX

As they ate breakfast Kazuma once more suggested they just give up and go home. Both Darkness and Megumin though were adamant they press on. Not being able to make them see reason the group continued searching through the second day. As before, Kazuma couldn't find any dog tracks. They simply went through the wood calling out Poochie's name without any result. During the day Megumin kept stepping into large piles of crap. Each time she would swear it hadn't been there the second before.

It was a very long and frustrating day. As the sun was starting to set, they decided to make a camp and get dinner ready. It was then that a majestic snow white steed with a single horn tottered out of the brush and approached them.

"A unicorn!" Darkness shouted. "They're very rare and on the endangered species list! You hardly ever see any!"

Kazuma put an uncertain hand on Excalibur's hilt. The unicorn wasn't setting off his detect enemy ability, but having fought toads, cabbages, and killer bunnies he tended to be careful around creatures he was unfamiliar with. "Is it dangerous?"

"Of course!" Darkness said. "They are creatures of pure goodness! They only ever attack undead or beings with dark and wicked intentions."

"Run, Kazuma! Run!" Megumin called out with a laugh.

Kazuma glared at her. He didn't take out his sword though as the unicorn approached. The steed came to a halt right in front of him and lowered his head. It reminded Kazuma of a dog waiting to be patted. Hesitantly, he reached out his hand and stroked its neck.

"Whoa, there's a good boy."

"Kazuma, that's amazing," Darkness said. "Unicorns are normally very shy and won't let just anyone touch them!"

"This one must have really low standards," Megumin said.

"I'll remember you said that the next time you need healing."

The unicorn lowered itself down onto its front knees.

"Hey! I think he wants me to ride him!" Kazuma carefully climbed onto its back.

The unicorn rose and began to slowly trot around the area. Despite the lack of a saddle and reigns it seemed to move where Kazuma wanted.

"Wow! I'm really riding a unicorn! This is pretty awesome."

Megumin had an amused smile on her face. "You know only virgins can ride on a unicorn."

"What?"

Megumin nodded. "It's absolute proof of being a virgin. I guess that's why you get so excited over a girl's panties. You've probably never even seen what's underneath."

"Yes, I have!" Kazuma blurted out. "Lots of times!"

The unicorn neighed and shook its head as if in denial.

"Kazuma, there's nothing to be embarrassed about," Darkness said. "I think it's wonderful that your body is still pure. E… Especially g… given some of the th… things you've…"

"That's enough, don't say another word!" Kazuma slid off the unicorn's back and got away from it. The unicorn tried to follow him like a lost puppy. "Shoo! Stay away from me!"

The steed stopped and seemed to look sad.

"Do you think it would also allow me to ride?" Darkness approached with a hand held out.

The unicorn stood motionless and watched her near. When she got close enough to try and pet the side of its head.

CHOMP!

"What?" A startled Darkness tried to pull her hand back, but the unicorn refused to let go of its bite. Darkness wasn't injured, but the creature absolutely refused to let go.

She was eventually able to wrench her hand free. The unicorn immediately trotted away from her and back towards Kazuma. It was at this point Darkness noted that both her teammates were giving her odd looks.

"You don't need to be worried, I am uninjured," she held out her hand to show there were no marks on it.

"Darkness," Megumin said. "Is there something you want to tell us?"

"What do you mean?"

"Who have you had sex with? Is it with more than one person?"

"W… What?!"

"Oi! Megumin!" Kazuma shouted. "That's rude! She's a grown woman. Who she sleeps with none of our business."

"K… K… Kazuma! What are you saying?!"

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about," Kazuma was trying to walk away from the annoying unicorn but it followed him. "It's totally normal for a girl with a rockin' body like yours to have some fun. Honestly, with the way you are, I kind of assumed it from the start."

"I am a virgin maid!" She yelled at the top of her lungs.

"Not according to him," Megumin pointed at the unicorn as it licked Kazuma's face. "So, who was it? How did it start? Is he handsome? Are you still seeing him? Is it like a secret love affair?"

"I have never lain with a man! I have n… never even k… kissed, n… never mind done that. I swear in Eris' name that I am a virgin."

"You know if you keep swearing false oaths in your goddess' name she might get mad at you. You might even lose your status as a Crusader."

"That unicorn is a liar!" Darkness sent the creature a hate filled gaze and cracked her knuckles. "I'll prove it."

She charged at the magical beast. It immediately bolted for the woods.

"Come back here and let me ride you!"

Darkness chased it into the forest and her two teammates followed after her. In the end it vanished without a trace and they returned to make camp.

Kazuma promised Darkness that he would not think less of her no matter how many guys she slept with.

XXX

On the morning of the third day the three of them woke up naked and bound tight together with ropes. Megumin loudly blamed Kazuma for this while Darkness was panting too hard to speak. Kazuma eventually convinced her that it had to be the faeries as he could not have bound himself and them so tight they could barely move. And besides, he would never want to see a naked grade schooler.

The third day was spent in yet another fruitless search. Birds pooped on them. They ran into an entire family of overly aggressive skunks. They all fell into the same river twice. It rained whenever they were out in the open and promptly stopped as soon as they had cover. Worst of all, the squirrels mocked them.

It was a terrible day.

As the sun sank towards the horizon the three of them all agreed on two things. That it was time to head home and that faeries were all assholes. They were leaving the Enchanted Wood and passing a large clearing when they heard a dog woofing. They stopped to see a brown terrier with a collar running up to them.

"You have got to be kidding me," Kazuma growled.

The dog ran right into Darkness' arms. She confirmed the name on the copper tag. "It's Poochie."

"Of course, it is, what do you want to bet if we'd have given up on the first day, we'd have found him then?"

Neither of the girls disagreed.

"Hey! Since we found him does that mean I can blow something up?" Megumin's yes were sparkling and she was jumping up and down in place.

"You know what? Sure! I think I'd enjoy seeing a little of this forest blown to bits."

Laughing she raised her staff and aimed at the very center of the meadow they were passing. "Oh, wicked faeries fear my wrath! I am Megumin nemesis to the fae! Taste of my vengeance! Exploooooooosion!"

She must have really put all of her rage and frustration into that single spell. Kazuma had seen her cast explosion dozens of times, but this was probably the biggest he'd ever witnessed. With a single massive blast, the entire meadow was turned into a blackened crater.

Megumin collapsed onto the grass with a content smile. Kazuma loaded her onto his back while Darkness carried the dog. He doubted blowing up an empty clearing would be a big deal to the faeries, but he hoped it bothered them at least a little. It wasn't much payback for the trouble they'd caused the past three days, but it was all he could get.

XXX

A tiny figure less than eight inches tall materialized and fell to his spindly knees. His butterfly wings were trembling as he stared at the inferno that had been his village until just a moment ago. They were gone! All of them! He was the sole survivor.

"Oh, my Eris. My home. You finally really did it. You maniac! You blew it up! Aw dam you! Eris damn you all to Hell!"

XXX

"Doesn't it feel kind of chilly for the middle of summer?" Kazuma asked.

"It does," Darkness agreed. "I suppose we are getting a bit of a cold snap. It happens."

The three-day trip back to Axel had been mercifully uneventful. Kazuma was looking forward to turning the dog in, collecting their tiny reward, and then going home to relax in his mansion. All he wanted was to take it easy and get back to his normal routine.

When they entered the guild hall, he noticed a lot of surprised looks. They must have all assumed they wouldn't be able to successfully complete the mission. Well, he and his team were always full of surprises.

Luna hurried up to him. "Kazuma! Where have the three of you been?"

"Oh, we took a mission to the Enchanted Wood to recover this little guy," he motioned to the dog Darkness had.

"What? You spent three entire months tracking down a dog?"

"Three months? What are you talking about? We've been gone a grand total of nine days."

Luna stared at him. "Kazuma, it's the twentieth of Otumnal, you set out back in Julius."

His jaw dropped. When they'd left it had been summer, it was now the middle of fall.

"Those damn faeries," Megumin groaned. "There are stories of people meeting them and having months or years pass in what should be hours or days. They really are the worst."

He paused and thought about it. "Okay, well that's a shame but I suppose we can manage. I mean how much can change in three months?"

"Well actually…" Luna began to speak but was cut off by a blood curdling scream.

"KAZUMA!"

From the other end of the bar the specter of ruin, misfortune, and party tricks appeared and barreled into him reeking of cheap booze and oozing tears and drool. He was tackled to the ground and pinned there by this blue haired manifestation of despair and desperation. She began to babble at him without pausing for breath.

"Kazuma you came back I was so scared you were dead you have no idea what it was like thinking I was going to be trapped here for three trillion years can you even imagine how awful that would be no one to talk to no wine and no atmosphere so I can't even breath or talk to myself how could you let me think that was going to happen to me I don't deserve that Kazuma I'm a really good person I deserve to be happy you need to-"

"Someone get this crazy bitch off me!" He screamed.

Darkness peeled her off and he tried to get away. Despite his best efforts though, he was forced to deal with her. He reluctantly agreed to let her visit his mansion where they could talk.