"I can't (sob) believe Kazuma (sob) did that! He's sooooo meeeeaaann!"

The blue haired manifestation of alcoholism and poverty started bawling her eyes out. Again. As she was doing it Megumin, and Darkness were sitting on either side of her.

"It will be all right," Darkness said, consoling Aqua. "I'm sure Kazuma didn't intend to be so cruel. It is simply his nature."

"That's right," Megumin said while rubbing her shoulder. "Kazuma just can't help being a huge jerk and abusing helpless women."

"Hey! I believe in gender equality. I abuse stupid people equally regardless of sex."

The two girls glared at me as Aqua kept sobbing.

"Don't look at me like that. I'm not the asshole here." He pointed at the annoying and pathetic goddess of water works. "She's the asshole not me!"

"Waaaaahhhh! Why are you so mean to me?!"

Of course, this unleashed a flood of fresh tears and the other two started consoling her while sending him accusatory stares. This, not surprisingly, annoyed Kazuma as they seemed to be implying the whole situation were somehow his fault!

"Kazuma," Darkness said. "Could you at least apologize to her for your actions?"

"Sure," he sent Aqua a death glare. "I'm sorry I rescued you."

"Soooooo meeeeaaannn!"

Kazuma rubbed at his temples. "Whatever, I am way past done with this whole mess. We completed the mission. Megumin, teleport us back to Axel. We can dump the cry baby off at the guild and bring these two to the guard station."

Kazuma jabbed a thumb in the direction of the two 'kidnappers' who were tied to a tree and gagged. The tall one with the scraggly beard named Felger, and the bald portly guy who was Maz. Kazuma noted that fatty was wearing a pair of bright crimson stocking. Maz was apparently a big fan of red socks.

"W… What? You can't do that!" Aqua hurriedly wiped her eyes and stood up.

"Huh? Why not?"

"They're loyal followers of mine and worshippers. What sort of goddess would I be to let members of my flock to be sent to jail?"

"Are you an idiot?" Kazuma asked. "No, scratch that, I know you're an idiot. But there are limits to how stupid one person can be."

"I'm a goddess I don't have any limits!"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You know, I'm starting to believe that."

Kazuma was a little impressed by just how quickly Aqua could go from weepy and pathetic to angry and useless. She was shaking a fist at him and shouting at the top of her lungs.

"As their goddess it's my duty to help my followers, not just these two, but all of them. How could I possibly let you put them in prison?"

"They kidnapped you, or have you forgotten that? What else would we do with them?"

"That was all just a big misunderstanding. You see, right now in Arcanletia-"

"No, nope, no way," Kazuma said cutting her off. "I don't care what's going on with your crazy followers! I once spent a carriage ride with one of your loons that lasted about six months. All she talked about was how Eris pads her chest. I couldn't care less about what's happening over in cloud coocoo land. I took an emergency quest to rescue you, that's it."

"But I told you it was all a big misunderstanding! I wasn't really kidnapped."

"You were tied up to the back of a horse and gagged."

Aqua squirmed a bit at this reminder. "I can explain."

"Yeah, and I can find some giant toads that haven't had lunch yet."

"Urk! D… Don't mention toads!" Aqua grabbed a couple handfuls of hair and looked on the verge of a freak out.

Kazuma sighed. "Forget it, Megumin teleport us back to Axel."

The pint-sized witch crossed her arms over her flat chest and shook her head. "I refuse."

Kazuma stared at her and put a hand up to his ear. "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. It sounded like, 'Kazuma please strip me of my panties.'"

The color drained from Megumin's face, and she put both hands in front of her skirt. "You always use any excuse to sexually harass me. Can't you just let Aqua tell you what's going on?"

"No, because I know how this'll go. She'll tell us some sob story, you two morons will feel sorry for her, and I'll get dragged into another one of her messes. So, no, hard pass on listening to her."

Darkness stepped forward. "Kazuma, we are already here. Shouldn't we at least hear her out and find out what all this was about. If this is an issue that will cause her to be abducted once more, wouldn't you called on to rescue her again? Isn't it easier to learn what caused this in the first place?"

He sent the blonde an annoyed look. "I really hate it when you make sense." He pointed at Aqua. "You've got two minutes. Start talking."

Aqua glowered. "You don't have to be so rude you know."

"One minute and fifty seconds."

"Hmph! Fine. Arcanletia, the city where my church is based, was hit by a disaster. It's a resort city with world famous hot springs that brings in tourists from all over the continent. Recently, the waters there have become contaminated somehow. No one is going to use a hot spring with icky and poisonous water, and that means the whole city is in trouble. They just need me to purify the waters, and everything will be fixed."

Kazuma frowned. "If it's something that simple, why didn't they just ask you to help?"

She chuckled. "Well, after abandoning me, their goddess, I'm sure they were too embarrassed to come crawling back to me to beg and plead for my help."

"But they weren't too embarrassed to kidnap you?"

"Like I said it's a big misunderstanding."

"Yeah, no, that doesn't make any damn sense at all. If they need your help, kidnapping you should have been the absolute last resort. You don't start with tying up the person you need to save you."

As Aqua had been speaking the two prisoners had been trying to say something through their gags. Kazuma strolled over to them. "You want to add something to this conversation?"

He pulled down the gag for Maz, the portly red socks lover.

"We kidnapped you because this is all your fault!"

"What?! How could this possibly be my fault? I haven't even been back there since the kingdom blamed for what happened with Mitsurugi and the Destroyer! Also, you need to be nicer to me since I'm your goddess!"

"There, right there, that's the reason this is all your fault! You keep blaspheming by claiming to be the goddess Aqua! And we put up with it because of all the donations your party made. The springs are a gift to us, her faithful. A sign of her benevolence and love! When the waters turned putrid it could only be a sign that the goddess was punishing us for coddling a blasphemer like you!"

"I keep telling you guys I'm Aqua! I'm your goddess!"

"Stop saying that! You're going to get all of us smited! You've offended the goddess and the only answer is for us to punish you so that we can atone for putting up with your blasphemy as long as we did."

"You know, I hate to say this, but I'm pretty sure the goddess Aqua didn't ruin your hot springs," Kazuma sent the said goddess a knowing look. "Maybe a bunch of people just pooped in your springs or something."

Maz violently shook his head. "We had our best priests and priestesses try and restore the water. They all reported that whatever poisoned the springs the cause was of such a high level normal clerical magic can't reverse it. Obviously only the goddess could be responsible for this."

"I keep telling you I didn't do it!"

"Stop blaspheming! You're goi- mmph!"

Kazuma shoved the gag back into his mouth.

"Okay, I think I've got the gist."

"Good, now that you understand you can take me to Arcanletia so I can purify the water and fix all this."

Kazuma stared at her. "What gave you that idea? All this confirms that it's not my problem. You want to fix this? Do it on your own time."

"But we're already more than halfway there! Are you going to let my people suffer instead of taking me to Arcanletia?"

"You keep forgetting, I've met some of your people and I'm not a fan. And have I mentioned I'm an Eris worshipper?"

"Kazuma," Darkness said. "I am not only a follower of Eris I am a Crusader in her service. I have no particular love for the Axis Cult or for Aqua. However, I feel we have a duty to assist her in this situation."

"And here it comes," he sighed.

"There is an entire city suffering from a problem Aqua's magic can cure. If we deliver her there, we can help thousands of people and prevent any future misunderstandings. Kazuma, it's the right thing to do."

He gave her an unhappy look but didn't tell her she was wrong.

Aqua stepped forward. "Hey, aren't you going to listen to your girlfriend?"

Darkness' cheeks flushed a bright red and she turned to the other girl. "P… Please d… don't bring that up!"

"Why not?" Aqua had a smug grin on her face. "Kazuma's so pathetic there's no way he could ever hope to land another girlfriend, never mind one as gorgeous as you. Just tell him to do as you say, or you'll break up with him."

"Yeah, Lalatina," Kazuma said in a voice that was about as dead as a shopkeeping lich. "Why don't you try that?"

"K… Ka…. Kazuma, I never suggested any such thing."

"You dumb NEET, stop trying to be cool, you kno- mmph!"

Darkness slapped a hand over Aqua's mouth. Without the blue haired alcohol sponge's contribution, the crusader eventually got Kazuma to agree to help.

XXX

They made it to Arcanletia late morning the following day. Felger and Maz had been knocked out and left outside the city. Currently Kazuma, Darkness, and Megumin were in their normal adventuring clothes while Aqua was wearing a plain grey robe with the hood up covering her hair and face.

"Why am I having to sneak into my own city?" Aqua complained for the hundredth time.

"I already told you, it's for your safety. Until we can talk to this archpriest Zesta guy and try to straighten everything out, it's better if people don't know you're here."

"What are you talking about? These are my followers, and they love me!"

"You mean like your pal Maz who kept yelling at you about being a blasphemer?"

Aqua waved that off. "He's just misunderstanding the situation. I'm sure as soon as he figures out what's really going on he'll feel silly and beg for my forgiveness."

"Uh huh, well until that happens let's just keep a low profile, okay?"

"Kazuma, has a point," Darkness jumped in. "You were kidnapped by these people. A little bit of caution seems reasonable."

"You're just taking his side because you're in love with him."

Her face turned red. "Th… That, I, uh, y… you see…"

Kazuma sighed. "Both of you just quiet down, okay?"

On the surface, Arcanletia seemed like a pretty normal town. There were the typical homes and shops and there were people going about their business. Kazuma thought it a bit quieter and more subdued than Axel. The people here seemed to move about more slowly and he thought there were a lot fewer laughs and smiles than he was used to. Maybe that was because Axel was a starter town in this world. The adventurers who lived there were an important part of the scenery and seemed to give the place more enthusiasm and life.

There was something else too. There was an odor that hung in the air. It reminded him of mildew mixed with the scent of roadkill that has been sitting out under a summer sun. It was a foul stomach-turning stink that seemed to get stronger the further into the city they went. Somehow Kazuma thought that completely fitting for a place where people believed Aqua was deserving of worship.

But here I am again, helping her out! He'd damn well known that as soon as the idiot told them about her mess the girls would side with her. Just as he'd known he'd get dragged into this. It really did seem that every single time he got involved with Aqua it led to a problem of one degree or another.

For the very first time he thought that maybe Mitsurugi had actually done him a huge favor by getting her to dump him. The guy obviously hadn't meant to, but if you stepped back and looked at what had happened to him and his party versus what had happened to Mitsurugi's and Aqua's it was hard not to come to that conclusion. Mitsurugi and company had actually done well for a long while. They'd killed one of the Devil King's generals, made a fortune, and even been seen as the strongest party in Belzerg. But look at what happened eventually. Mitsurugi died, his party disbanded, and Aqua was buried under a mountain of debt.

If Aqua had stayed that could have been him. He imagined what that could have been like. He saw himself as a dirt-poor adventurer struggling to survive as Aqua rained misfortune on him, until he eventually died. He shuddered at the thought.

As he was thinking about all that they walked into a plaza in the middle of the city. There, in the middle of everything, was a large statue of the goddess Aqua. As the statue gave off a sense of intelligence, benevolence, and concern for others it was not in any way an accurate depiction of the subject. That was when he heard Darkness call out from behind him.

"Wait! What are you doing?"

Kazuma turned around to see Aqua tossing away her cloak and dashing past him to stand directly in front of the statue. She struck a pose mimicking the statue's.

"Everyone! There's no need to be scared anymore! Your goddess has returned to you! I'm not angry that you turned your backs on me and I'll forgive this little misunderstanding. As your goddess, of course I'll purify your hot springs and fix all the problems!"

When she ended her little declaration, she was grinning like an idiot. To Kazuma it was painfully obvious she just expected everyone to cry out in gratitude and start worshipping her on the spot. And it was just as obvious to him that was not what was about to happen. The people who were outside stopped what they were doing to stare with wide eyed amazement. Then all their mouths snapped shut into furious scowls. It was the exact same look good old Maz had had while going on and on about her being a blasphemer. As this was happening more and more folk were coming out of the nearby homes and shops and beginning to form a crowd. He put a hand on the hilt of his sword and started backing up towards Darkness and Megumin. The two girls were both eyeing the people surrounding them. Aqua remained in blissful ignorance.

"Oi! Aqua, let's get out of here!"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

More people were coming into the plaza and Kazuma could hear their conversations.

"It's her! The cause of all our problems!"

"Now we can atone and fix things with the goddess!"

"She just won't stop blaspheming!"

"Is there going to be a trial?"

"Why do we even need one? We all know she's guilty."

"Hey, Gerald. Go get some rope."

That did it. He ran over to the oblivious goddess and tossed her over his shoulder.

"Darkness, clear a path! Megumin, flashbang!" He shut his eyes

Megumin nodded. Over the past months he'd convinced / bullied her into learning a few more spells. She closed her own eyes and lifted her staff up. "Blazing light!"

A blinding flash of light filled the plaza and left the forming mob momentarily stunned. Darkness ran ahead, easily knocking people aside while offering apologies as she did so. Megumin was running right behind. Kazuma meanwhile was being kicked and punched as he trailed after.

"What are you doing, you stupid NEET! My people are all coming out to welcome me!"

"Yeah! With a piece of rope! Read the mood you moron!"

"Don't call me a moron! I'm a goddess!"

"Sure, the goddess of debt and poverty!"

Despite her punches, kicks, and shrill cries they managed to get clear of the plaza. They then found an alley where Kazuma could gag and tie Aqua up before using his Vanish skill to turn the four of them invisible and escape the city.

XXX

"You ruined everything! I was just about to be embraced by my loyal followers and you had to spoil things!"

Not only Kazuma but Darkness and Megumin were gawking at her in disbelief.

"Wow," Megumin said. "She really does believe she's a goddess. It's so sad."

Darkness nodded. "Is there a magical spell that could help her?"

"Sorry, but even the strongest healing magic can't cure delusions of grandeur."

"I know," Kazuma sighed. "I've checked."

"Hey!" Megumin shouted. "Why are you looking at me when you say that?!"

"So how are you going to make this up to me?" Aqua demanded. "Are you going to let me join your party?"

Kazuma ignored her. "Look, we tried to help the idiot, but she is beyond helping. So how about we just teleport home?"

The two girls were looking at each other.

"This situation does seem beyond salvaging," Darkness admitted.

"Yeah," Megumin agreed. "I'm not sure what we can even do."

Kazuma smiled. This pointless exercise in stupidity was almost over.

Then Aqua just had to do what she did best.

"Wait! I just have to purify the springs and everything will be solved, right? Just take me to the hot springs, I'll purify the waters, and everyone will be so happy with me they'll probably hold a feast in my honor and want to give me all their money as an apology!"

Then the two girls again looked at each other.

"Well…"

"I suppose…"

The water works came. "You'll help me? You'll really help me?"

In his whole life Kazuma had never met a person who could go from insufferably arrogant to pathetically humble as quick as she could. He didn't bother trying to argue as it was already obvious Darkness and Megumin were going to give in.

XXX

Aqua knew the city like the back of her hand and led them to the springs. There were a ton of signs everywhere warning people to keep their distance and stay away. Not a single person was anywhere in sight.

As soon as they got a good look at the waters they could understand why. The springs looked more like a pool of oil than anything else. The waters were black with a brownish scum caking the top and sides of everything the waters touched. The stench was horrific and covering your mouth and noses did nothing to help.

Seeing this Aqua let out a long sustained wail. "Ugh! This'll take me hours! And I have to touch it! Ewww!"

"Then I guess you better get to it," Kazuma said without a single ounce of pity. "Me and the party will keep an eye out for anyone who might interrupt us. From a mile away."

"Aren't you going to at least keep me company?"

All three of them immediately shook their heads and left.

With no alternative, Aqua knelt down by the putrid water and stuck both hands in.

"Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification! Purification!"

It was almost midnight by the time she was finally done. When Kazuma and party returned he saw what she'd accomplished and let out a low whistle.

"Wow, there are actually times when you're not completely worthless."

"When am I ever worthless?!"

"I could answer that, but we'd be here 'til morning."

The hot springs were pristine. The water was steamy and clear and there was not a single speck of dirt or filth to be seen anywhere. Even Kazuma had to admit, she did have her uses.

"Now that I've fixed everything, I'm going back to town to let my people know their goddess has saved them."

"Hold up, I scouted the city and right now it's full of people carrying torches and pitchforks. Why don't you wait until tomorrow morning? We can send a message to Zesta and after he confirms-"

"No way!" Aqua stabbed an accusing finger right in his face. "You just want to ruin things for me again! I'm going to share the news with my beloved followers right now and you're staying out of it!"

Kazuma looked her dead in the eye. A slow grin spreading across his lips. "Let me get this straight. You want to go into Arcanletia, and you don't want me to get in your way no matter what? Is that what you're saying?"

"You finally understand. I don't want you to ruin things with me and my followers again."

He gave her a thumbs up. "Got it! I won't get in your way! Have fun!"

"Hmph! Good." With that Aqua headed towards the city.

Darkness slid up to him. "Kazuma, is this wise?"

"What are you talking about? What could possibly go wrong?"

She narrowed her eyes. "You've got that smile again, Kazuma."

"I have no idea what you mean," he said sounding as pure and innocent as the seven-year-old who'd just stolen the last cookie out of the cookie jar.

XXX

They found a tree on a hill overlooking the city and were sitting on separate branches.

"Farsight." Kazuma used his skill to give himself enhanced vision.

He had a clear view as Aqua ran into one of the torch carrying mobs that were searching the city. He couldn't hear what was said, but going by the gestures it looked like Aqua was telling them about her good deed.

"Hey!" Megumin called out. "I think Aqua has met some of them."

"I think you're right," Darkness said. "Kazuma, is it going well?"

The people surged forward and grabbed hold of Aqua. They hurriedly carried her towards the plaza.

"It's going about as well as I expected."

Darkness squinted her eyes. "Is she walking with them?"

"No, they're being super nice and carrying her. The people look really excited." He didn't mention that Aqua didn't appear near as happy as everyone else.

The original group sent out runners to the other search parties. By the time they arrived at the plaza most of them had gathered and formed a mob thousands strong. In the middle of the plaza, right in front of the statue, a wooden post had been set up. An impressive amount of firewood had been piled up all around it.

"What's happening now? There's a big crowd, I can't see." Megumin said

"I think everybody is getting ready to have a barbecue."

"Really? A barbecue? In the middle of the night?"

"Well, maybe it's more of a big party."

The color was draining from Darkness' face. "Kazuma… don't you think we should go make sure everything is all right?"

"What? You want me to break my promise? Shame on you, Darkness."

As he watched people hauled Aqua up to the wooden stake and tied her to it. She was very clearly shouting and yelling and kicking for all she was worth. There was a whole of line of people with torches standing at the edge of the wood pile.

"Hey!" Megumin cried. "I think Aqua's going to get burned at the stake!"

"What makes you say that?"

"Kazuma! Are we really not going to help her?" Darkness said in horror.

Both girls gawked at him with expressions of disbelief mixed with mounting fear.

He laughed. "Relax, even I'm not that much of a monster. I just wanted to scare her, that's all."

As if his words were a signal dozens of torches were tossed onto the woodpile.

"Okay, I guess we'll save her now. Megumin, teleport us to the plaza. Darkness, you grab her. I'll help hold people off. As soon as we have her Megumin, you teleport us back to Axel. Got it?"

The girls nodded.

Just as Megumin was about to cast they heard a sound like the mother of all waterfalls. Out of a clear night sky a flood landed square on top of Aqua and the post. The fires were doused in an instant. The waters became a torrent and flooded through the streets, carrying away every single person in the crowd. The only one left in the plaza was Aqua, who was still tied to the post. As the three of them watched from the tree top Arcanletia was completely flooded.

"Huh," Kazuma said. "Okay, new plan…"

XXX

Kazuma, Darkness, and Megumin safely returned Aqua to Axel and completed the emergency quest. They reported that while they'd been able to save Aqua, her kidnappers had unfortunately gotten away. And that was all they reported.

A couple weeks later news came that the Axis cult was asserting a miracle had happened. That their goddess had forgiven them and purified their hot springs. More than that, the goddess had even made the waters the equivalent of high grade holy water. This would make their hot springs even more valuable than before. The Axis Cult proclaimed that this was undeniable proof of the love and power of their most treasured and benevolent goddess!

At the same time, Aqua was informed that she would be executed if she ever stepped foot in Arcanletia again and that they were filing suit with the kingdom to have her pay the two hundred million eris bill to repair the city's flood damage.

XXX

Author's Note: I am wishing all of you a happy Memorial Day. And a friendly reminder, even if you're having a barbecue don't burn anyone at the stake. No matter how much they deserve it. Just tell them you've run out of ketchup, and they'll have to eat their burgers or hot dogs without it. That is punishment enough.