Chapter Four: Composure

The accusation was pointed, but Lilia made no effort to refute it. Given time to appraise all that had happened, Lilia might've used the same terms, albeit tempered by propriety. Had she been in Roxy's place and found out about another woman before her, something in Lilia would be bothered too.

Roxy did not let her stature deter her; when she wanted to be heard she made herself so. Lilia was quite used to being talked over, but this wasn't a conversation for anyone else's ears, especially not Rudeus.

"Let's speak in Master Rudeus' quarters," Lilia tried to make it sound like a suggestion, but it very much wasn't.

"Fine," Roxy scoffed. It was the most antagonistic Lilia had ever seen her, and Roxy wasn't one to hold a grudge. Neither of them were, really.

But when it came to Rudeus… each of them had very strong feelings. And very personal thoughts about the women in his life they usually kept to themselves. But even if he was the subject of their debate, he would hear none of it. Not from either of them.

Lilia led her back upstairs, hoping the Fangs of the Black Wolf would keep Rudeus' attention for at least a few minutes in prepping for their departure. Lilia wasn't sure how many details they'd need to hash out -exactly- but if it was anything like the last time she had to take responsibility for an affair…

This time would be different. If Sylphiette asked her to take responsibility, Lilia would do so. Roxy had committed the same sin, and had no moral high ground to argue from. What she did possess, however…

Lilia had seen it right away. At the time, both she and Roxy dismissed it as childishness. Rudeus hadn't even been five years old, and his fixation on Roxy could've simply faded with the years. But upon bringing her back from the depths of the labyrinth, Lilia noticed every stolen look; every unsubtle inquiry. Time had passed, but feelings stayed the same for Rudeus… and grew in Roxy.

They were well out of earshot of the others. Lilia still closed the door once Roxy stepped inside. Lilia gazed past her to the nightstand by Rudeus' bed, relieved to see no pendant left behind: at some point he'd taken his wife's gift along with him. Did he take it with him when Roxy climbed into his bed?

Lilia assured herself she wouldn't ask such vulgar questions. She would dwell on Roxy and herself, and only what could be changed between them.

"I'm ready whenever you are," Lilia affirmed.

Elinalise quietly observed Rudeus taking the time to speak to Geese and Talhand. All the party members had become fond of him and were only too happy to see him take his father's place at their table, but he still seemed distant and aloof. Elinalise had hoped that the time Rudeus spent with Roxy would not only relieve him of his depression, but loosen him up further. She knew he wasn't always so stoic and reserved and had hoped her old comrades could see more of that side of him.

But then, Geese had seen him as a child, and some of the antics he got up to then. Elinalise had been privy to his growth into manhood and his marriage, and now the loss of his father… maybe Rudeus had simply set aside the boyish part of him. Maybe the conflux of trauma and responsibility had forced him to grow up.

When she met him, she'd been impressed by his maturity and poise. Now Elinalise only wished he'd do something silly and childish, so he wouldn't seem quite so serious all the time. Part of the reason Roxy had so fallen for him was because of his boyish traits.

Part of the reason Paul had been so beloved by women was how he retained youth and energy… seeming younger than he was thanks to the occasional immature expression or petty teasing. Though Elinalise was confident Roxy and Sylphie would remain attracted to him, she did worry if the shine might be off the apple and they might not love him as much.

Her dear friend and her granddaughter: she would need to ensure happiness for both of them, and that their man provided for them with more than just his wealth and power. He needed to satisfy them spiritually too, and for that he needed to keep his boyish charm. Climbing up from his depression was just the start of the battle. Returning to himself would require a few more steps.

Elinalise thought on her next step. Dangerous game though it was, she was certain Roxy would be a necessary component to keeping Rudeus young and vibrant, which meant…

Well, it worked for Paul, bumpy road though it had been. Why not his son?

"When did it happen?" Roxy asked.

"The night before you," Lilia bluntly replied.

Roxy was aghast. "And you didn't- when I came to see him, were you planning to…?"

"I planned for nothing," Lilia answered. "If my Lord had called upon me, I would be there for him. When you went to our quarters, I did not see fit to interfere."

Roxy shook her head. "I don't get it. You weren't… together? But you both-"

Roxy had left before Lilia and Paul carried out their affair. She hadn't seen the nuance that applied to any sort of relationship; how little marriage and status really mattered when emotions and drives took over. She wasn't naive about all the ways of the world, but when it came to romance, perhaps…

"He is my Lord, and I tended to him," Lilia explained. "That is all that happened. It should have no impact on you and what you plan for him - if you plan for him."

Roxy seemed flustered. "No, I-I didn't go in expecting things to lead anywhere. I was just…" She shuffled uncomfortably. For a long time, Roxy was silent. She may not have been prepared to have to justify her feelings -or her actions- quite so quickly. She certainly hadn't expected a rival to emerge the same day she acted on things and let her passion carry her ahead. Lilia could at least sympathize with that. So she waited patiently for Roxy to finish composing her thought.

"I don't understand why you'd do this," Roxy abruptly changed topics. "You've known him since he was a baby."

"So have you," Lilia gently reminded her.

"That's different! You lived in the same house for years-"

"So did you," Lilia again reminded her.

They weren't as close as they could've been. Roxy was much more attached to Paul and Zenith than she'd ever been to the taciturn, aloof maid sharing their house. And while it may not have been fair to measure the lengths of time they each spent nurturing Rudeus, Lilia continued to focus on the facts. "You may not have felt anything like this for him then, but you did care about him. You've always cared about him."

It wasn't a comfort for her. Lilia only felt the same stinging sensation of memory once again. The same guilt returned to her, thinking of the child she'd nurtured and the selfishness of claiming another woman's man for a second time.

But Roxy knew he was married too, and made the same leap. That lessened the frigid winds in Lilia's chest, if only slightly.

Roxy found some resolve, meeting Lilia's lavender eye. She pointedly asked: "Did you know I was going to do this?"

A simple question without a clear answer. She knew Rudeus had held a torch for Roxy, and continued to chase after her with doglike devotion. She knew Roxy had become enchanted with how handsome a man Rudeus had grown up to be. They hit upon -essentially- the same plan to snap him from his depression, and it seemed to have restored his confidence, if only for the moment.

It would be easy for Lilia to downplay her own role and fade into the background. She hadn't expected anything to come from it; she had merely done her duty. She didn't think anyone else would notice and she would fade into the background once again. Roxy was everyone's friend and not merely their attendant. Her actions would be noticed, and while it had surprised Lilia to walk up to the door and see Roxy lying under the bedsheets, she processed it all quickly enough. Lilia understood the why if not the how.

"I knew about your feelings," Lilia admitted. "But I didn't think you would act on them."

She knew all too well the fight against one's urges. Roxy had a hidden passionate side too; one she thought the others knew nothing about. But the woman who cleaned the floors and did the laundry had no trouble discovering secrets left behind, and even less trouble biting her tongue.

"What about his feelings?" Roxy wondered. "What does Rudy want?"

Lilia had no answer for that. "Have you asked him?"

"I'm asking you," Roxy pointedly countered. "Do you know…?"

Since Lilia knew what Roxy wanted, Roxy may have thought Lilia knew what Rudeus wanted too. It wasn't an unreasonable assessment, but Lilia's speculations weren't necessarily for Roxy's ears. They were harsh realities that Lilia could accept, and Roxy might not.

"I think he will return home to his wife," Lilia concluded. "And there will be no more of this: for either of us."

The words didn't hurt when she thought them. When they left her mouth…

Lilia saw it strike at Roxy. Even if she hadn't planned for things to progress with Rudeus after their single night, she'd apparently hoped-

Lilia understood that. But time had beaten her down often enough to expect the worst. She wasn't usually disappointed when her expectations were measured.

Roxy -seasoned adventurer though she was- had a much more optimistic, idealistic outlook. She thought perhaps, they had more than a simple tryst and that their passion would grow into something more; something real.

Lilia saw it clearly on Roxy's features as she processed the complicated, difficult emotions. How sorrow turned to resentment, then to anger… towards Lilia. For being the bearer of bad news.

"Is that what you think…?" Roxy asked rhetorically, anger bubbling to the surface.

Lilia bit her tongue and awaited the inevitable. Roxy's affection for Rudeus had finally hit a breaking point, and having crossed so many lines she was no longer willing to turn back.

Elinalise carefully searched Talhand and Geese for their reactions: neither was a fool, but it didn't seem as though they noticed the change in Rudeus' scent. If Roxy meant for things to stay secret, she might've been able to keep it from the men in the party.

And knowing Roxy, she would keep it a secret. She'd pretend it never happened and go about her life pining for something she wouldn't allow herself to have. Elinalise could try and try again, but the words had no weight coming from her.

The only way Roxy would let herself do something selfish and seize what she wanted was if Rudeus asked it of her. And while Elinalise was certain he liked the Migurdian and would have asked if it had been before he was married, or possibly even before Sylphie was expecting…

She didn't want Roxy to give up on her wish simply due to poor timing. Roxy could make this decision for herself, but Elinalise would not let her live with regrets.

Elinalise looked over at Rudeus again, looking much less haggard than he had. He was still skinny and malnourished, but his eyes were not quite so sunken; his face not quite so hollow. And Roxy was fierce and determined as Lilia had never seen her.

She did not enjoy playing the matchmaker, but it was clear to her what steps would need to be taken. If Roxy could not be convinced, she was still only one half of the equation… and Elinalise had never had much trouble persuading men to give her an audience.

Roxy did not insult her -whatever traces of friendship they had stayed the mage's hand- but bitter notes traced her every word as Roxy argued that her bond with Rudeus was stronger than Lilia had claimed.

It was, of course. But acknowledging it meant losing her own bond with Rudeus. Whatever complicated feelings Lilia had, whatever guilt plagued her when the past and present would intermingle, she didn't want it all to simply fade away.

But perhaps that was the price she had to pay. Unfair as it was, Roxy was in love and knew that she was. Lilia could not say the same; not for certain. She could only say that she loved Rudeus, not that she was in love with him.

She was grieving. She acted impulsively. And just like the last time she did, it complicated things. Her indiscretion may not have affected Rudeus' marriage and family, but now that Roxy had acted on her own impulses in succession…

"Rudy needed something like this," Roxy couldn't quite describe the acts; she was still too modest -even in private. "After what he's been through…"

Lilia had intended to simply listen to all Roxy had to say. She had intended to stand quietly and endure in her dotage -in her resigned, taciturn way- just as she always had. But when Roxy pointed out how Rudeus had been mourning for his father, Lilia found herself unable to stay silent. She reached out to the dangling thread.

"...and is he the only one who lost someone?" Lilia asked, turning her gaze directly to Roxy's own.

Roxy was given pause. She hadn't known all the context, but when she met Paul and Lilia again years after their short time sharing a house, they'd become more than master and servant. And naive as Roxy may have been at times, she must've known the married couple had their moments.

"How do you weigh which loss is more? A father? A husband?" Lilia wondered, glancing back to the door to the women's quarters; to the still unaware and nonplussed Zenith on the other side. "A son?" Lilia refocused her attention on Roxy, confident that dredging up Zenith, at least, gave the Migurdian pause. "Did you feel nothing when my Lord died in the same room as you?"

Roxy stammered. "N-no, of course I felt-"

"Because his life mattered to you as well, did it not?" Lilia interjected. "Because you cared for him; because you shared a bond with him. Yet only Master Rudeus deserved your attention; your wish to heal and cheer him?"

They lived together for two years. Though Roxy had often felt like she was on the outside looking in, there were times when even the quiet maid had attempted to bond with her.

When she arrived, Lilia made herself available both for Roxy to better understand the house and the surrounding neighbors in Buena. When they prepared for Rudeus' fifth birthday, Lilia taught Roxy several new recipes that Roxy found herself preparing for herself and her comrades in her travels. When they reunited under Paul's leadership, Lilia went right back to tending for Roxy like she'd never left the household.

Finally drawing the courage to look in her eyes, Roxy saw past the stoic spectacles and saw the faint shimmer on Lilia's skin. Even Lilia's composure could be broken; sorrow and loss found even her.

And Lilia's own grief and pain had never even crossed Roxy's mind; not even when Lilia had rushed to embrace her after she was saved from the labyrinth, then quickly prepared her bed and nursed her back to health.

"...I'm sorry," Roxy finally said. "I didn't think about what you were going through."

Lilia nodded, reaching up to wipe at her eyes -feigning simple exhaustion as she collected her tears and swiftly flicked them away. "I would not have expected you to."

After a few terse seconds of silence, Roxy pressed on, tentatively asking: "...so what do we do?"

Lilia knew the answer. She'd known since Rudeus was a child; before she'd sworn herself to his service. She knew that -if put to the question- Rudeus would choose the one who'd always held a place in his heart.

"Master Rudeus loves you," Lilia firmly told her. "He's always loved you."

The words didn't hurt. They were simply the truth.

The memories… recent and not… Lilia subtly drew her hand over her chest and squeezed tightly so she would feel no more cold wisps or sinking under her skin. She again feigned some other emotion; some contortion of lovestruck admiration for the girl before her and pride in a boy now grown so very much. "He told you, didn't he?"

Roxy gently nodded. She was gracious enough not to rub salt in the wound.

Lilia forced herself to smile. Roxy would expect it to be awkward; Lilia didn't have to try too hard. It would be enough Lilia was ceding victory to Roxy and giving her the happiness Master Rudeus could bring.

Her grip on her chest only grew tighter as her heart continued to sink and the cold continued to lash at her. Lilia refused to betray any further emotion than Roxy had already seen. There had been enough breaks in her composure.

Her Lord had found room for two wives. Lilia did not expect his son to find room for any more. Much as she sincerely loved Sylphiette and wanted her to be happy, Lilia would not deny what was right in front of her. She would not intrude further.

"I was never going to contest you," Lilia assured her. "He is lord of the family now and makes his own choices." She privately added, and his own mistakes.

Roxy sighed. "...I can't do it. I shouldn't have even done this; knowing he was married. I only wanted to help him… and now…"

Lilia clenched her fist. If she could only ever be firm with her family, it seemed Roxy now qualified. "No."

She had spent enough days watching efforts come to nothing. She had seen enough people she cared for slink away and hurt because they refused so much to feel.

Lilia unclasped her fingers and tentatively reached over to Roxy. They still had reason to argue -perhaps- but they had a shared purpose now; a mutual source of affection and a singular goal. When she found no resistance, Lilia took both of Roxy's hands in her own.

"You have to tell him that you want more," Lilia insisted. "He has to know how you feel, and not only how he feels. Master Rudeus would let you slip out of his hands again if he thought that would make you happy."

"Lilia…" Roxy gasped.

"Tell him," Lilia insisted again. "Please."

The words didn't hurt. How could they, when they were an expression of love?

The memories seemed further away. The cold seemed a little less. Maybe this was how she atoned…

Much as she might've wished otherwise… this would make her Lord and her adopted family happy. This was the right thing to do. Service to her Lord and her family was the highest purpose she could aspire to. Her passions would simply have to be locked away again, and damage nothing more.

She'd done it most of her life. The happiness of others would have to be enough.

Rudeus was surprised to see neither Lilia nor Roxy join them for the meal. When he went back upstairs, he found the twins still keeping watch over Zenith; he could only imagine how tired Lilia was and how much she'd needed the break.

No, that was an oversimplification. Lilia wasn't only staying away so she could rest a while longer… she was staying away because she knew he'd be returning, and they'd go right back to being stuck in the same holding pattern as before.

Rudeus offered to take over until Lilia returned, finally giving Vierra and Shierra the chance to eat and have time to themselves. When they stepped outside, Rudeus noted it was the first time he'd actually been alone with his mother since they'd found her.

He could only imagine what she'd think of his current situation. She may have been able to see past Paul's indiscretion for the sake of Lilia and Aisha, but she was devout in her faith and firm in her beliefs. She would be furious at her son both for betraying his wife and not learning his lesson after the first time he did it. Some part of him was grateful she couldn't understand the situations going on in the world around her. If Zenith had remembered Lilia and Rudeus, the thought of the two of them might've made her even more uncomfortable and upset.

But in that thought, Rudeus found something even more damning: he could keep it secret. Lilia would have no trouble keeping up the pretense, and a single betrayal would be much easier to forgive than one after another.

He hated that he was considering it. He hated the thought that it might be better for his family for him to lie.

But then, it had been better for him to lie to cover for his father and Lilia the first time around too, hadn't it? He'd had no trouble with it then, blackening his soul just a tiny bit for the sake of family harmony; possibly even to save Lilia's life. Was it really so hard to have to live with his own guilt if Sylphie and Aisha never had to hear -never had to think, never had to picture- any of these torrid details?

And Roxy…

Rudeus told Sylphie and his sisters about his master many times. No doubt they had once thought highly of her and been grateful for the influence she'd been on Rudeus' life. Would they feel the same, learning she went on to have an affair with him?

He looked to Zenith, aimless and expressionless in bed. Roxy had been his mother's friend too, and the number of betrayals compounded again. How many people had he hurt just so his own hurt would feel a little smaller and a little further away?

Rudeus didn't know if Paul had been the one to decide to marry Lilia, or it had been Zenith's insistence; he hadn't been privy to those adult conversations. The responsible thing would be for Rudeus to do the same and marry the women he lay with instead of just returning home and never speaking a word of them. Lilia and Zenith would be living in his house, and every time he passed by them he'd have to remember this moment in the inn… and many others.

And if anyone would eventually deduce that he had lied, surely it would be his wife and his sisters. Zenith had been fooled by Rudeus' claims because she saw a child with no reason to lie, and Lilia telling the truth and Zenith mistaking it for a maid's discretion and propriety. Sylphie had been taught by Zenith and Lilia both, and Aisha was perhaps the smartest girl he knew. Eventually, they'd notice the crack.

But was the truth any better? Did he tell them he was grieving, he was lonely, and he was hurt? That had been true before -even as a younger man- and he could still control his impulses. He'd told Sylphie directly he didn't need anyone else but her, and now…

The Man-God had assured him he'd regret coming to Begarit. The loss of his father and his hand hadn't been suffering enough? Was directing him to Lilia and Roxy some twisted form of compensation?

No, he wouldn't dwell on that. If he'd followed the Man-God's advice before he'd still be in Ranoa, and Roxy would be dead; possibly his father and the other members of his party too. He made the choice, and now he bore the cost.

If he could ask Roxy and Lilia both… what then?

"...young master?" a tentative voice at his back. Rudeus turned around and saw Lilia in the doorway, awaiting permission to enter.

He tried to compose himself quickly. "Lilia. Did you eat?"

If she noticed, she didn't mention it. "No, Master Rudeus. I was… indisposed."

She was -as ever- too polite to call attention to any of her own activities. "I see," Rudeus acknowledged. "Please, take the time to eat something. I can watch mother while you're away."

Lilia, of course, wouldn't hear of it. Rudeus directly contravened her own request from earlier in the day. "Master Rudeus, this is not your-"

She would never let herself have anything of her own accord. It had to be someone else's order that allowed her to relax. Or… let her hair down…

"Lilia," Rudeus interjected, and she fell silent. "You need to eat."

He tried to sound more authoritative than he felt. Each of them had the power to give orders to the other -in some contexts- and neither was truly comfortable taking charge, but he hoped Lilia would defer to his request when he could use her own words against her.

And fortunately, Lilia didn't argue the point. "I… yes, Master Rudeus, I will." She paused a moment before bowing her head. "Thank you."

It was a promising start… but it was just that: a start. If Rudeus really wanted to address the problems he'd caused, he'd need to take a step further.

Before she could exit back into the hall, Rudeus called: "Lilia… can Vierra and Shierra watch mother tonight?"

Lilia seemed surprised. "What for, Master Rudeus?"

He thought on how to phrase it. He could be polite, but he didn't want to give Lilia the opportunity to politely refuse. He had to be blunt. "I want you to stay in my quarters - our quarters- tonight."

Lilia stared at him for several seconds. He saw a faint redness under the glare of her glasses. "...if that is what you wish, my Lord."

She changed terms again. Lilia never -never- confused her propriety. She'd changed her mind multiple times in the space of two days. Rudeus finally allowed her to leave, before turning his attention back to Zenith.

If he could tell her about what was happening, he'd tell her he was taking responsibility for his actions. He'd tell her that he was being honest about his feelings and insisting his loved ones do the same with him.

If he could tell her.

Roxy saw Lilia descend the staircase and graciously collect a bowl from Geese before joining the rest of them, albeit at the opposite end of the table. The twins had been enjoying their breakfast for a while, so if Lilia had finally come down from the second floor, that likely meant Rudy would be watching Zenith.

She knew he would at some point. Roxy had only been able to protect him from the harshness of reality for a few hours of (hopefully) untroubled sleep. Inevitably, they both had to return to it.

Vierra and Shierra had cast a few looks Roxy's way; often enough she had started to feel self-conscious. She doubted Lilia had told them, but maybe they were putting the pieces together on their own. The men may have been the only ones who didn't know.

Lilia had seemed to go by unnoticed. Maybe they simply didn't expect the maid to carry on an affair with her master's son, but they might've expected the demon woman had tried her luck after one too many nights stuck in the inn, waiting for him to decide on a course of action…

Talhand and Geese seemed eager to finally leave now that Rudy had been out and about. Roxy could understand that, but the weight of it hadn't hit her until Lilia sat down and joined them for breakfast.

After all this time, the party had accomplished their mission. They were going home with those who survived, to reunite their family at last. Elinalise had a fiancee to return to, and Geese and Talhand had collected so many riches from the hydra's den - and the magical components of its body, and the loot of parties it had slain- they could do pretty much anything they wanted with their shares. The twins, too, could afford to live comfortably without the risk of being held captive and exploited again and try to rebuild their lives from a better position than they'd been before they met Paul.

And Roxy herself…

There was still more of the world she wanted to see, but whom would she travel with? Whom would she mentor or support now?

She and Rudy had promised to go on an adventure together… before Roxy had climbed into his bed and complicated things. It wouldn't have been so hard to get the married man away from his family for a while to spend time with her if she'd only been his old friend. Sylphiette may even have liked Roxy and welcomed her into her home, because it seemed like Rudy had never once spoken ill of her.

Now the truth was the ill. The facts didn't paint her the way Rudy had. She didn't expect she'd ever be welcome in Rudy's house once his wife knew what had happened, and Roxy would lose her tie to the Greyrat family forever.

But Lilia had also encouraged her to tell Rudy the truth of her own feelings. Maybe Lilia felt that Rudy could do something like his father had done, and try to love two women at once. Roxy… wasn't wholly opposed to the idea, but no woman ever liked to hear that she on her own wasn't enough.

And Lilia -apparently- had taken herself off the board and would pretend nothing had ever happened between Rudy and herself. Painful as it was to acknowledge, that was probably for the best… and left Roxy to wonder if the same was true about her. She knew what she wanted, but what she wanted didn't feel like the right thing.

Roxy turned her attention back to her meal. She wanted to get her strength up and go check in on Zenith before they started packing. Roxy wouldn't miss Rapan, but once she got back to the central continent with the others, they'd part company.

And then what?

If she returned home to the demon continent to visit her family, would she be able to tell her mother why she hadn't brought Rudy along? If she took up a quieter life in human lands and continued to educate, would she look for someone else to settle down with?

She didn't know any longer. And the uncertainty was tearing at her like a frigid wind.

Lilia had no need to knock -these were ostensibly her quarters too- yet she did just the same. "Come in," Rudeus bid. She stepped inside and saw the young master seated in bed, still dressed in his usual ware save his shoes.

Lilia saw his things neatly piled and collected, ready for the long journey. His bedsheets were still askew and Lilia had to fight the urge to straighten them out. When she approached she briefly wondered where she should sit: if she should set herself up in a separate bed or sit beside him. Lilia elected to stand, so she could address him first before anything -if anything- were to happen.

Lilia waited to be called upon. If the young master asked it of her, she would. He had taken his father's place as head of the house, and her duty was to serve him, whatever his needs. She had given the same instructions to Aisha in her dotage, though it seemed Aisha either never offered or Master Rudeus never took her up on it.

She tried to divert from that. There were niceties to observe, and one still prominent, unanswered question. "Have you decided what to do about Roxy, my Lord?"

"No," Rudeus acknowledged. "But I am going to talk to her, before we get back to Ranoa. You have my word on that."

It was a small reassurance, but Lilia could have faith in that. She believed him and that was enough.

Lilia edged slightly closer, keeping her hands neatly folded in front of her apron. "As for you, my Lord, have y-"

She didn't have the opportunity to finish her thought. Rudeus abruptly stood up and stepped towards her, reaching his hand to the side of her head. Lilia shirked back, taken by surprise.

Rudeus paused, his fingers hovering in the air on her left. His intense green eyes fixed on her. "...are you afraid?"

She didn't know how she felt. But her reaction had surprised him; possibly enough to stay his hand. Maybe that was what she should have done, rather than let this carry on any further.

Lilia reached up with her left hand to take hold of his right, pressing it against her cheek. "No, my Lord. I could never be afraid of you."

She'd long ago dismissed such foolishness. For all the things she didn't understand about him in his youth, for all his eccentricities as an adult… she loved him. As he was.

Rudeus leaned close and kissed her. Lilia squeezed his hand with her own. For several seconds they stood up above his bed before Rudeus guided her down, the two landing on the mattress in a conjoined pile.

Lilia reached up with her other hand to let her hair loose before wrapping behind his neck. With her opposite hand she guided his palm to her chest, against the folds of fabric to the warmth beneath she knew he coveted.

His hand repelled the cold winds under the surface. All she felt was him over her thundering heartbeat.

Rudeus… paused, drawing away from her lips. Lilia drew a long, confused breath and wondered aloud: "My Lord…?"

"Lilia," Rudeus began, "Is this what you want?"

Lilia eagerly nodded. "Yes, my Lord."

"Are you doing it for you?" Rudeus asked.

At that point, Lilia hit a wall. She could feel the twitch in his fingers and knew he wanted to progress. Even after both Roxy and herself, he was still pent up and frustrated and searching to quell demons deep within himself… and Lilia knew his father had been much the same, and how gentle hands could pry those demons out.

She wanted it. But what she wanted had never mattered to her. "I…"

Rudeus grimly lowered his head and drew his hand away. Lilia had to fight the urge to take hold of his fingers, but could not take the initiative. His hand slipped away from hers', and the cold began to lash at her rapid heart again.

"I'm sorry," Rudeus muttered, still looking down and away from her. "I'll… I'll stay in this bed. You can sleep wherever you like."

"Young Master-"

There it was again. Lilia torn between past and present, between love and lust… making the same mistake a third time. Why did she still give in to her desires when she knew the result so clearly?

Lilia sat up. Even though he'd ordered her to stay with him, and hadn't technically rescinded his order, she still took him up on his offer to leave. She stepped quickly -about as well as her bad leg would allow- out into the hall, her hair still askew.

She faintly heard him roll over on the mattress, no doubt returning to the state she'd found him in a few nights earlier… feeling like she was: guilty and alone.

Lilia reached up to put her hair back in place before anyone saw her. That was only for her lord to see; only for…

Her fingers kept missing the target. Her hair continued to fall out of place and askew.

Droplets hit her lenses. Her breathing turned ragged.

No, she couldn't do this now. She couldn't let herself be bothered; she couldn't feel.

The others seemed quiet in their rooms, so Lilia took a moment to collect herself, to restore her composure… or at least its facade. It was what they would expect to see, and she no longer had the luxury of showing this side of herself.

They'd each made their choice. Now they had to accept that what they felt couldn't -and shouldn't- be. That had been true from the very start.

Yet the thought of dutifully obeying the new lord of the family somehow hurt even worse now… even more than with his father and her lord husband passed. Because if she lived in his house -even if only to carry out her duties as she always had- she would have to fight against her desire and her urges all over again, knowing that she could destroy a family once again.

It had worked out before, because of Zenith's mercy. Sylphiette may well have been forgiving too, but would Lilia really blame her if she didn't want a woman living in her house who may -who wanted to- seduce her husband?

She had to bury it. She had to push it down and never again give it air.

Lilia finally stopped try to put herself back into place and let her hair flop onto her shoulders. She needed to wrap her arms around her midsection and squeeze tightly.

She was so cold.