TW: Suicide Idealization
MacTavish finally got to sleep. Archer outright took his regular phone and satellite phone, and refused to leave the hotel room until he fell asleep. So when he woke up hours later, he had to hunt for the small digital clock on the nightstand to tell him the time.
"It's only five?" He pondered as he slid his hand down his face. He remembered it being almost ten at night when they got into the room.
"Try seventeen hundred hours. You slept nineteen hours, I was about to check your pulse." Archer spoke up from the next bed, book in hand. MacTavish groaned as he sat up, swinging his legs over the edge. "Or send for a doc for you. You barely moved the whole time. Told you you needed sleep." MacTavish simply waved his hand dismissively, realizing how badly he needed to relieve himself. When he came back from the bathroom, he found Archer digging through his luggage, pulling out some clothes.
"I can dress myself, arse." He grumbled as he grabbed his pants and shirt off the bed where Archer tossed them.
"Sure. Roach is about to be discharged, doc wants us there." Archer pulled a jacket out as well, thinking for a moment before putting it back and grabbing another one.
"What the fuck are you doin' with my clothes?" MacTavish glared as Archer pulled out another jacket to scrutinize.
"Chrissake, we need you to get a better wardrobe." Archer finally settled on tossing MacTavish a plain black hoodie before digging into his own luggage. "And we need to find some clothes for Ghost, he's been bitching to Toad about being left in hospital wear. At least they gave him pants." Archer nodded at his pull.
"What aren't you tellin' me." MacTavish stopped Archer from going to change, noting the sniper wasn't looking him in the eye. "And same to you, twat, I know there's something on your mind."
"Shepherd called. He's obviously not been pleased. Why didn't you tell me it was that bad?"
"What did he tell you?"
"Court martialling all of us, including Ghost and Roach?" MacTavish only nodded once before letting Archer walk past. Archer scanned him over before stepping into the bathroom. MacTavish sat at the desk, tapping his finger on the surface as he thought how to tell Archer what exactly his phone calls had been like.
"Sir, with all due respect-"
"Respect was the last thing you gave to me when you took yourself and five others out of a critical mission to find two that I had ordered you not to go after."
"Sir, I made a promise to those men. They were alive and they-"
"Lieutenant Riley was told of the risks of joining the Task Force, just as you were, captain. Same goes for Sergeant Sanderson."
"Even then, both missions were a success and the man we captured was the one running the Zaratoga cartel we raided two months ago was Gonzalo Roba.""The same cartel Lieutenant Riley single-handedly took care of several years ago.""Right, but while in captivity we were able to establish a limited connectio-"
"MacTavish, you and those with you are on extremely thin ice, and I need you to consider your words carefully the next time we speak."
"Are you takin' the piss?" Archer hissed out. They had walked from the hotel to the hospital, standing at a crowded intersection. Their conversation had taken on hushed tones the more people surrounded them, waiting for the goahead to cross.
"I wish. Even with the intel we got from their servers, Shepherd was not too keen about us staying here like this in the first place." MacTavish led them across the street when the signal changed, walking briskly to get out of the crowd.
"So just leave men and let men die. Ever since Afghanistan a few years ago, he hasn't been right in the head." Archer clenched his fists, dropping the angry look for a cheerful one as they entered the hospital's reception area, waving to the receptionist as they passed. MacTavish remained silent, heading to the elevator and waiting for the next one to go. "You're going to try and talk him out of it, right?"
"How?" MacTavish grumbled. "He didn't seem too happy we got the soddy bastard that did all of this." As the elevator dinged and opened, they stepped in, hitting the floor and letting the door close. A small "hold the doors please!" had Archer thrust his arm out last second, letting the doors stay open long enough for Roach's sister Hilary to slip in.
"Thanks, sorry, I-oh." She cut herself off as she looked between the two.
"It's not a problem, miss Sanderson. We were just heading up to Gary's room anyway." Archer spoke up, the two of them noting how nervous she looked. The door closed behind her, Archer pressing the correct floor and after a brief pause pushed the button for the floor up.
"N-no! It's fine, I was going to the uh-" Hilary cut herself off again. MacTavish saw how she made herself look smaller, picking at her fingernails.
"It's the small space, isn't it?" He finally asked. Hilary jumped, looking slightly guilty. "Claustraphobia, it's not easy in a lift." She chewed on her lip, frowning.
"Gary told you?"
"No, I know someone else who is claustrophobic. Sometimes couldn't take lifts or helicopters unless there were windows or someone else with him."
"Here, you can step off first.." Archer spoke up softly as the elevator dinged for their arrival. When the door slid open Hilary stepped out quickly, taking a deep breath before looking to the two men with a smile.
"Thanks, sorry about that." Hilary looked a bit calmer as she spoke, letting out a deep breath. She spun on her heel and led the way to Roach's room, still playing with her fingernails.
"Not a problem. Phobias are not easy to deal with." MacTavish followed, slowing down until he was walking side by side with Archer. "Another floor press?"
"Just in case it was getting into the lift with us. Being overly cautious." MacTavish nodded at Archer's explanation, watching Hilary open the door to Roach's room, holding the door open for them. They gave their thanks as they walked in, noting Roach and Ashton wearing similar clothes and pouring over Roach's drawings in his notebook, little footnotes sprawling on the edge of the pages.
"Oh, Captain MacTavish, Staff Sergeant Laurence." Roach's dad spoke up, the blond offering his hand out.
"Please, just John." MacTavish shook his hand, stepping to the side as he heard Archer respond "Marcus is just fine, sir."
"Well, Roach? Ready for discharge?" MacTavish noticed Roach's eyes were a bit brighter, his twin brother almost glued to his side. It was unfortunate that Roach had the scar as he did, because without it the two would have been a mirror image.
Please.
"I'll go get the paperwork signed off for discharge." As MacTavish walked back out, he spotted Cindy passing by in a rush.
"Oh, perfect timin'. I can't find Simon." She looked flushed as she spoke. "I just went to his room for rounds and he wasn't there or the restroom-"
"How long ago did you see him last?" MacTavish went to knock a pattern on the door, Archer flying out immediately.
"What happened?"
"They can't find Ghost."
"What?"
"He was there this mornin', seemed fine but when I went in a few minutes ago-" Cindy cut herself off as she looked behind them. MacTavish and Archer both twisted around to see Roach and his brother half out the door, Roach's eyes wide with panic.
"Roach head back into the room, Ashton please keep-" MacTavish was cut off as Roach pushed past him, leaving them all behind.
"Gary! Wait!" Ashton called after him, running after him.
"We can't get security to look?" Archer asked. "A lock down of the floor?"
"We already sent off the code-" Cindy paused as the intercom went off with said code. "But if he's already off floor we won't find him here-"
"Archer, head with her to security, see if they can't see him on cams."
"John you know as well as I if he didn't want to be seen-" Archer stopped short at the glare MacTavish threw at him. "Right. Ma'am, if you could?" Cindy nodded as they hurried off, MacTavish taking a deep breath. He went into Ghost's room, looking around until he found the notebook he had been writing in, scanning quickly and flipping until he got to the last page.
Told Roach before I shouldn't have hesitated then. Took the bugger a while to realize. A lot of the things Tavish talked about made sense. Went through some shite. Too many broken pieces. Can only put something back together without all the pieces before you give up trying. Think they knew that. Sparks, Washington. They smashed a lot of the pieces before. Gonzalo did that again. Don't have all the pieces this time.
"Fuck." MacTavish swore as he tossed the book onto the bed, biting the inside of his cheek. He stared up at the ceiling, his thoughts racing trying to think of what Ghost was thinking. The second his phone rang he answered with a gruff "Where?".
"West stairwell, looks like he went up. Roach is now heading to the same stairwell."
"Fuck's sake." MacTavish swore as he hung up, running out the door and passing the nursing station as he did. He was both impressed and irritated when he realized how Ghost snuck past the station only ten feet away from his room. "Can you open the west stairwell in a moment?" He asked a nurse there.
"I'm sorry sir, but we're on lockdown."
"I know, for one of my men. I know which way he went, I just need the stairwell open." MacTavish huffed out, giving a nod of thanks as the nurse agreed, trying not to run full tilt to the stairwell, finding Roach and Ashton trying to open the door. "Wait, Roach! I got them opening the door in a moment."
Where did he go
"Up. Archer's still looking at the cams."
"Who is this guy you're looking for? The hell kinda name's 'Ghost' anyway?" Ashton looked between the two. Roach shook his head, head whipping as they heard the electronic lock disengage. MacTavish grabbed the door handle quickly, stopping Roach from going up. "Let me go ahead of you. This isn't up for debate, sergeant." He pushed Roach's notebook down as he passed, pausing for a brief second and feeling the fury rolling off of Roach. He let out a long sigh, beckoning the twins to follow. "Come on, but I'll let you know when it's okay to approach."
Why
"Does him mentioning something about 'not hesitating' ring a bell?" MacTavish watched Roach's face fall in horror. "Delicate situation bug, follow?" Roach nodded slowly, writing something out to Ashton as they started to climb the stairs.
"Holy shit. Gar, you…what the fuck. You have to tell me what happened later." MacTavish could hear Ashton whisper as he read the note Roach wrote. "Yes everything. No I won't tell mom or Mands. Or Hil. Fuck if I'm not telling them you think I'm telling dad?"
When they reached the door to roof access, MacTavish held up a hand.
"I will let you know when to come out. Do not come until I say so." Roach nodded, elbowing Ashton until he nodded as well. MacTavish took a deep breath as he walked out, scanning the roof and not spotting Ghost. Terror gripped him, looking around until he spotted Ghost sitting on an edge of the roof set lower than most of the building.
"Took you." Ghost finally spoke when MacTavish approached slowly. He turned, locking eyes with a hollow look. "Figured I was too sloppy with the cams. Archer saw, right?"
"Yeah. Why are you up here?" MacTavish stopped a few feet from Ghost, not wanting to go closer. Ghost shrugged, looking at the setting sun.
"Felt like it."
"Right, could have 'felt like it' in the room, or let someone know you wanted air?" Ghost laughed an empty laugh.
"I've been up here for a few hours, no one noticed." Ghost shrugged. "Take it you read the book."
"Not gonna lie to you Ghost, I did." MacTavish shifted on his feet, shoving his hands into his pockets.
"Figured." Ghost scoffed, taking a deep breath. The silence stretched between them, MacTavish waiting for Ghost to continue.
"What's the plan, Ghost?" He finally asked. Ghost didn't respond for a few moments, closing his eyes and slouching. "You said you were up here a few hours." Ghost hummed non committedly in response. MacTavish sighed, looking out into the horizon. "Hesitating again?" At least Ghost had the decency to look guilty when he turned to watch MacTavish.
"Didn't think you got that far."
"Didn't want to."
"Does anyone else know?"
"About what?"
"The book." MacTavish pulled out his cigarettes, lighting one and taking a slow drag.
"Roach." Ghost swore under his breath. "He's actually in the stairwell. Waiting on you." MacTavish approached Ghost cautiously, sitting on the edge and passing the cigarette when Ghost motioned for it. Ghost raised an eyebrow as he accepted, almost surprised that MacTavish offered it before taking a drag and immediately started to cough. MacTavish took the cigarette back, eyes twinkling as Ghost thumped his chest.
"Bloody hell."
"I don't think you're ready to start smoking." MacTavish gestured to his chest. "Remember, total lung collapse? Maybe get you to quit."
"Would you quit?" Ghost asked between small coughs. "What we do for a living, you think we can afford not to?"
"Aye, probably right." At least this silence was more comfortable than the one before, Ghost trying to take another drag before giving up, coughing harshly. A few moments passed before Ghost shifted, pulling his mask from the waist of his pants. MacTavish watched out of the corner of his eyes as Ghost held it, turning it at different angles to look it over more carefully.
"You look like you got rest." Ghost finally spoke up.
"Aye, I did." MacTavish nodded, putting the half finished cigarette out on the ledge next to him. "Nineteen hours, if you could believe it." Ghost hummed an acknowledgment, still fiddling with his mask. "What's on your mind?"
"A lot." Ghost admitted. "Had another nightmare earlier, couldn't shake it. Didn't even realize I was up here til…" He trailed off, falling back to lie down and stare at the sky. "I wrote that stuff in the book after you left last night."
"Why didn't you let me know?" Ghost shrugged. Another bout of silence stretched, MacTavish pulling out his lighter to flick it on, Ghost's hand shooting out to cover it startling him.
"Don't." MacTavish raised an eyebrow as he put the lighter down, watching Ghost lean back, more tense than he was a moment ago. Ghost let out a shaky exhale as he covered his eyes with his arm, the other hand gripping near a scar on his shoulder.
"The lighting part?"
"The playing part. Rat bastard's thing." Ghost didn't elaborate further, and MacTavish chose not to push. He could hear Ghost's breathing pick up, letting him try to calm on his own before helping. After a few moments, Ghost let out a long sigh, rubbing his face with his hands.
"Need a haircut, it's not reg." Ghost flipped him off instantly, MacTavish letting out a small laugh as Ghost glared at him before dropping his arm back down over his eyes.
"You're one to talk, with that shite covering your head." MacTavish shrugged, running his hand over his hair. Another few moments of silence passed before MacTavish stood up, offering a hand to Ghost who looked at him from under his arm with a squinted eye. "What."
"C'mon, get up. I can hear Roach and his brother arguing in the stairwell." Ghost hesitated before he took the offered hand, getting up slowly. At least his legs weren't shaking like before, MacTavish noted. He led Ghost to the door, pausing when Ghost did. "You need a sec?"
"Yeah. No. Fuck's sake." Ghost grumbled, hand creeping back up to his chest and making a fist.
"Take your time-" as MacTavish spoke, the door burst open, Roach trying to pull away from Ashton, who had been pulling on Roach's arm in a desperate bid to stop him.
"He said wait you impatient ass-" Ashton cut himself short as they both froze, the group looking at each other confused.
"Ghost." Roach's voice came out scratchy with misuse, pulling away from his brother enough to tackle Ghost in a hug. MacTavish could see Roach spilling tears on Ghost's shirt, watching Ghost as he slowly unfroze to hug back. He pulled back after a moment, expression painful as Roach hurriedly motioned to the ledge.
"Finally." MacTavish let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding, keeping a careful watch on Ghost and his reactions. He looked at Ashton, face blank as he watched. "You okay?"
"Gar's never really been…clingy, to anybody outside the family." Ashton shrugged, not looking away. MacTavish watched with him as the two seemed to relax a bit more, Ghost speaking softly to Roach. "It's kinda weird, not gonna lie."
"Your brother learned a lot from Ghost. Not to say he wasn't good at his job, Ghost just happened to be a better teacher. Learned how to fight, the best way to handle different weapons, different ways of sneaking up on people, how to steal my cigarettes without me knowing. It was good for the both of them, I could never get Ghost to open up as much as he has to your brother." MacTavish motioned to the two of them, Ashton glancing up at him questioningly. "On our last mission together when things got bad Ghost got hit, Roach didn't hesitate to try and help, and when he got hit Ghost went on a rampage. Their brother in arms, sure, but you're Roach's brother. You can't be replaced, especially as a twin." Ashton sputtered as MacTavish grinned.
"That's not-"
"You haven't seen each other in a long while, you've both changed in your own ways but you're still brothers. Roach worried about you and how to respond to your letters for ages." He patted Ashton's shoulder reassuringly before turning back. "Oi, you two done so we can get off the roof?" Ghost turned to briefly flip him off, Roach stifling a silent laugh behind his hand. "At least we can tell the doc you can speak. Even if it's just been one word since you've been here"
"Is that why he's as quiet as he is? Because from what I can barely remember the arse wouldn't shut up." Roach's hand flew to his chest, mock indignation apparent. "That woulda prolly helped." Roach flipped him off.
"Only word we've heard from him since you went into surgery was your name." MacTavish opened the door, leading the group downstairs. He noticed the discarded notebook and pen on the landing below, picking them up and handing them to Roach, who's hands flew across the page..
You fuckin asshole
"There it is." Ghost rolled his eyes.
"He would never shut up when we were kids, by the way." Ashton interjected. "And I mean, never."
Traitor
"So, there was nothing I coulda done to get him to shut up. I guess that's…comforting? In a weird way? Means I got punished more than I care to remember." Ghost let out a hollow huff of a laugh as they headed down the stairs, MacTavish looking behind him to see Roach looking almost torn between Ghost and Ashton. He watched Ghost motion to Ashton, Roach's expression falling slightly. There was a hidden discussion before Roach huffed, clinging to his brother after a moment. He and Ghost locked eyes for a moment before they continued, walking in silence onto the floor their rooms were on. When MacTavish opened the door, he was met face to face with Cindy, who pushed him out of the way to approach Ghost angrily.
"There you are you right asshole." Cindy swore as she clenched her fists on her clipboard, holding back from hitting Ghost.
"Sorry, didn't realize everyone would-" Ghost was cut off by Cindy actually smacking him.
"I-" smack "swear-" smack "you-" smack smack. Ghost didn't bother offering resistance as she continued to smack and lecture him.
"Hit him harder, please." MacTavish spoke up briefly, and Ghost couldn't stop the indignant scoff as Cindy complied.
"You bet yer ruttin' ass, you deserve this! Running off and scarin' me like that!"
"I honestly didn't want to stop her after she saw the footage, the way she was going on." Archer spoke quietly as he seemed to materialize next to MacTavish. They watched Ghost rub his arm, offering more apologies as Roach wrote in his book. "How is he?"
"Not good." MacTavish replied back softly. "One of us should be with him for a while. Hopefully they can discharge him by the end of the week."
"Think they'll let him go?"
"Not gonna give them much of a choice. Shepherd's looking for heads to roll." Archer simply nodded.
"Can't wait."
Another chapter, back to MacTavish. I think it was already going to the point that Ghost was going to go to drastic measures, but writing out his thoughts on that point didn't feel...good...when i first did it. so yeah. he's not ok in the head, and neither is roach but we all can see that
few more chapters to go
also is anyone getting any update emails from lately i havent gotten any of mine