Chapter 17: Misplacement
I took a deep breath. I had been pretending to sleep long enough. It was my way of avoidance. I slowly opened my eyes. I stared at the back of Sango's head. It had been four days since… since they found me. Sango hadn't left my side since she'd brought me back to her home. I was grateful, but part of me wished that I had just died in that hut; wished that they had never found me in that hut. The thought of peacefully being whisked away by the cold. No pain, no worries; just numbness and acceptance. It would have been easier than to have to live with this feeling—this emptiness inside of me. A part of me was missing; taken from me and it still lives in that hut in the forest. While I am here, forced to go on living, but still incomplete… broken.
"I know that you're awake. You have been for quite some time," she said startling me.
She turned on her side to face me. She gave me a small sad smile.
"Good morning." She said turning on her side to face me.
I said nothing in return. The sensible thing would have been to say good morning as well; sensible is not the word I would use to describe how I felt. I did not want to speak, much less to be seen. Yet, she engaged in conversation, when I wished for nothing but silence.
"Kagome please, say something…" she trailed off.
I am not ready.
I could see the way she was looking at me. Looking through me trying desperately to find a way to fix me. It made me feel so pathetic. She used to look at me with such happiness. Now, all she sees is a wounded dog. She was my friend, but I could not help but wonder… was I just something to protect in her eyes? A newfound responsibility?
Was I being ungrateful?
I averted my gaze. I could not give her what she wanted.
"Please do not ask me if I am alright." I wrapped my arms around myself. "I am the furthest thing from okay. I know you only wish for me to be well. For me to go back to the way I used to be, but I cannot Sango… I cannot move at the pace you want me to. I am not okay. It is impossible for me to know when I will begin to feel the slightest bit of normalcy."
"I am sorry if you feel as if I have pushed you too hard. That was not my intention. You have gone through something very traumatic. I just, do not know how to help you. I want to take your pain away. I know I will never understand, but watching you like this. It is hurting me, and that makes me feel selfish, because what right do I have to be hurt? When you are the one who had to live through that, but I cannot help the things that I feel."
I could see the tears welling up in her eyes.
I had no room in me for her feelings... I could not even house all of my own.
"You do not understand… and I never want you to. I truly pray that you never feel the pain, the humiliation, the violation I have felt. I feel unsafe in my own body. It does not matter what I do. It does not matter how many times I bathe. Nor how many times I rub my skin raw. I can still feel their hands on me… his fingers inside me. This dark cloud that hangs over me at all times. I cannot outrun it. This feeling of being trapped. It feels as though I am a prisoner in my own body. It is constantly gnawing at me. I cannot stand it. I have this rage boiling inside of me, with no way to release it. I feel so broken… so unclean."
I wanted nothing more for this conversation to be over. She had done nothing wrong... but right now I just could not. She had gone to such lengths to save me, and I could not even give her the courtesy of a simple conversation.
I moved away from her and pressed my back up against the wall. I did not want to be touched. Least of all, I did not want anyone's pity. It Only made me feel worse than I already did. The silence between us was becoming thick and awkward. A knock came from the door downstairs. Neither of us moved. We both know who it was at the door. It had been the same person coming for the past few days.
"He will keep coming Kagome. I told him I would send for him when you were ready… but Sesshomaru is…"
"Stubborn." I quietly finished for her.
I slid out of bed, slipping into Sango's dress. I had not brought any of my things from the hut. I did not want any of them. They were just a reminder of what happened to me there. I slowly made my way downstairs. Flashes of the dead bodies on the floor flooded my mind. She had told me to close my eyes, but I had not listened. So, I kept them open. I saw as their bodies lay there lifeless. Bodies that were once men. Men who had names. Men who had families. Men… who had taken me. I felt nothing when I saw them. Nothing could make me feel worse than what I had already been through… and that scared me more than anything. It felt as if I was losing sight of who I used to be. I reached out and gripped the latch. My body wouldn't move. I could not open the door, nor could I walk away. My chest felt tight. I could see his shadow reaching under the door. I could feel him. I heard him exhale deeply. My heart pounded in my chest as I waited for him to speak.
"Kagome."
I pressed my forehead against the door. I did not realize how desperately I missed hearing the sound of my name, leaving his lips. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
"I know that it is you… I can feel it; I feel you. Please." He begged.
Again, I said nothing.
"Do you wish for me to leave?" he asked.
Again, I said nothing. It was as if my voice did not work. I just stood there trembling.
He had come all this way. How could I tell him I did not wish to speak? Still, I did not want him to go.
"I am so sorry my love. I should have been more careful. I should have protected you. Had I paid closer attention, this would not have happened to you. If I had left you alone that day... I failed you."
He blamed himself for this.
"What happened to me is not your fault." I finally managed to say.
"Please let me in," he whispered.
I slowly moved my hand to unlatch the lock. The door opened inch by inch. I back away from it, trying to keep my breathing under control. He came inside closing the door behind him. My eyes immediately went to the floor. I could hear Sango coming down the stairs.
"My apologies. I didn't mean to interrupt. I will be stepping out." she explained, before running out.
He came close to me. I feel the heat radiating off his skin. If I focused I could hear the hum of his heart beating. I wanted nothing more than to touch him, but I was frozen. Yet, at the same time, I want to run and hide.
My fingers twitched at my side. They ached for the feel of his skin. I swallowed hard. Still, I could not even bring myself to look at him.
"I do not regret meeting you," I said. " Nor do I blame you for any of this. Had you not come across me that day when you had. He and I would have ended up together… I do not want to have spent my life with a monster. He was the cause of this, not you."
He took a step toward me and I flinched. Not out of fear because I thought he would hurt me. I was afraid of how he would see me; after everything that had happened.
"I will not touch you," he said softly. "Not unless you wish it. You needn't be afraid of me."
My eyes shot up to his face. I could see the pain in his eyes. The instant regret hit me.
"I am not afraid of you Sesshomaru. You have never frightened me." I reassured him.
His shoulders relaxed, as the pain left his eyes.
"I will not ask if you are alright. I know that you are not. You do not need to speak; you needn't look at me. Simply standing here with you is enough. When you are ready, I am here… I will always be here until you no longer want me to be."
I will always want you.
I exhaled deeply and rested my forehead against his chest. My arms found their way wrapped around him. I breathed him in. The smell of him and the cold air filled my lungs. It was as if I was touching him for the first time. I gripped fistfuls of his shirt. I clung to him for dear life.
"Hold me," I begged.
I felt his arms close around me tightly. I bit the inside of my cheek, to distract myself, but I couldn't. My tears spilled uncontrollably. My knees gave out. I would have fallen if he had not been holding me upright.
"It is alright. I am here. You are not alone."
This. This is what I needed. Not to speak about how I felt, but only to feel.
I was not sure how long we had stayed that way. I sobbed until my eyes grew tired. I pulled away from him slightly. I had shocked the front of his shirt. I quickly wiped my eyes.
"I am sorry."
He took my chin between his fingers and tilted my head back, making me look at him.
"You have nothing to apologize for. Especially not to me."
I could feel my lips tremble. I did not want to cry again. Before a tear could escape, he kissed me. It was soft. I quickly stepped away from him. I could see the worry and confusion in his eyes.
"Forgive me. I did not want you to cry again. I did not mean to make you uncomfortable."
"That is not it…" I said trailing off. "I am… unclean. I do not-" I was beginning to get choked up again.
He took a step closing the distance between us. He held my face in his hands.
"No matter what has happened. No matter how things have changed. I will never see you that way. Nothing will ever change the way that I see you. Nothing could ever change the way I feel about you. In the thousands of years I have lived, the countless times I have roamed through this realm and my own. You are the purest creature I have ever come across. There is nothing unclean about you. Do you understand me?"
His words were stern, but his voice was soft.
Sesshomaru. Not a man of many words. However, when he spoke, it was extraordinary.
I nodded slowly. My need to cry again disappeared almost immediately.
"There is something I need to tell you. I do not wish to keep it from you," he said letting his arms drop. "I have him."
My heart raced as I fidgeted with the hem of the sleeve. I could feel the bile rising in my throat. I fought to keep it down.
"Is he…" I asked, trailing off. My voice was barely a whisper.
"Dead," he finished for me. "No, but he is close."
My arms dropped to my sides. I need to vomit had faded, but I could feel the panic beginning to creep up on me.
"I need you to do something for me."
"Anything," he said.
"Take me to him."