Elsa stares at a blank wall where a clock's supposed to be. She turns her attention back to Dr. Robinson's deep-set brown eyes brimming with wisdom. Dark-rimmed glasses match her permed hair swishing as she scribbles notes. Elsa touches her pocket. Before remembering her phone's with the receptionist. She casts a glance at Robinson's unadorned wrist. How does she even keep the time?
"And you're in senior year-"
"Yup."
"That must be stressful for you, how are you coping with that?"
Elsa bites the inside of her mouth, trying to draw blood but failing. She nods, "It's alright, I guess."
A sigh escapes Dr. Robinson's jaw, "Your parents told me you've been feeling withdrawn and indifferent lately. I hope you can open up more to explore what's causing you to feel this way."
The taste of blood makes an appearance in her mouth. Nails curl into the sofa's fabric.
Withdrawn and indifferent.
"Their words, not mine," Elsa seethes.
"What words would you use?"
"I don't know," Elsa huffs, fluttering a blonde fringe, "they told me to come here and listen to what you had to say."
Dr Robinson wags her pen, "Now you see, that's not how this works. I'm here to listen to you. Anything at all."
She glares back, "And what're you going to do, tell on me?"
"I'm not allowed to do that. Actually, it's illegal if I tell them something you don't want me to."
Elsa clasps her hands together. The office thermostat's cranked up but her fingers still cramp from the cold.
"I don't even feel like I should be here," Elsa mutters under her breath, "and I don't want to make things difficult for you."
"On the contrary, by opening up to me, such as what you did there. You're making my job easier," Robinson scribbles somemore, "Why don't you feel like you should be here?"
There's something wrong with you.
"I'm fine," Elsa uncrosses her arms, "I really am. A little wound up at times, but I really. Am. Fine."
"Woah woah, wound up," Robinson removes her glasses, "why do you say that?"
She can hear her heart beating in the quiet office, "It's just my parents - they have all these expectations of me and I feel like I have to live up to them or-"
"Or?"
"Or there's something wrong with me."
Having that little phrase that's been bouncing around her head the whole month finally leave her lips sends Elsa slouching into the chair. In relief. Or whatever cathartic glow that's flooding through her now.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Elsa," Dr. Robinson continues, "You're a bright young lady with a great future ahead. Nothing's wrong with you."
She'd nearly miss it if she breathes any harder, but there's a faint beeping sound somewhere. Oh that's how she keeps the time.
"I'm going to table the rest of our discussion for next week, I think we've a lot to work on," Robinson adds, before pointing her pen at Elsa, "but before you go - I'd like you to consider an alternate perspective towards your senior year. To be kinder to yourself."
The words be kinder to yourself play on loop in Elsa's brain as she leaves and takes back her phone. As she sits in the austere office lobby. Her own face visible in the reflective grey marble floor. Suited men and women trot around her in a hurry, looking at their watches and talking on their phones. But the sense of urgency fails to compel her to leave and face all the books waiting at home.
"Be kinder to yourself."
Elsa crosses her arms in a huff.
Easy for you to say, bitch.
What happened the last time you were kind to yourself? You met a gorgeous redhead, who made you feel things you've never felt before. But you were so unwilling to let go of your perfect little life that you shut her out and ran away.
The reminiscence of Anna's eyes makes an unwelcome resurgence in her memory. Together with it, a throbbing headache from Vodka Lemonade. That gentle strawberry scent beneath the booze.
Those lips. Soft and inviting.
Blue eyes she couldn't swim out of.
Her chest aches from an unmet urge to breathe.
And Elsa once again copes the only way she knows how.
Prying open her Macbook in the middle of the lobby and swiping away all her chemistry notes. Fingers fly across the keyboard in a blur.
"...Rain dripped off Cassandra's chin as she lets out a hoarse scream with what's left in her lungs, 'Don't! Don't walk away from me!' Elise turned from the forest's edge, matted hair shrouding her otherwise perfect face. 'After everything we've gone through?' Cassandra seethed. Thunder rumbled. A whimper left Elise's lips, scarcely a whisper in the pouring rain, 'All I ever wanted was a life together. With you.' The storm intensified, but Cassandra pushed forward anyway, walking straight into her lover and crushing their lips together, before the sputtery words spilled like rainwater, 'Then take me-'"
"Miss, are you alright?"
Elsa turns to the security guard, before wiping a tear from her reddened cheeks. Immediately, she slams her Macbook shut and mutters an apology. Opting to play out the rest of her burning embarrassment in the privacy of her car. Her brain still simmers from the vivid scene she's created. She touches a trembly finger to her lips, burning with a hunger for more. Two swigs of water later, nothing changes. And Elsa decides that the time for responsibility and rationality has come to an end.
She drives through town with her windows down. Finally utilising her photographic recall of street names and places. Armed with only a vague memory of a logo, Elsa finds it on the first try. Aries Cafe. Red brick building, white tiles. Floor-to-ceiling windows that Elsa peers into from afar. She tells herself she only wants a taste. A mere confirmation that girl she met was real and not some dreamy fantasy. But at the sight of that redhead sweeping the floors within. And the memory of her aching chest that night. Elsa's irresistibly compelled to get out and make that long walk across the street. Heart in throat and lips wordless with curiosity.
"Sorry, we're closed!" Anna doesn't even look up at the bell twinkling. Before she turns and jolts at the sight of a blonde girl with hands in her hoodie pockets.
"It's you."
Her red hair's tied into a ponytail behind a black cap. Outfit's unchanged from that night. But there's a subtle weariness Elsa detects behind those eyes. A tiredness that lifts the moment those lips curl into a smile.
Elsa shrugs, "You remembered."
For once, Anna fumbles a reply. Before she leans closer and whispers, "What on earth are you doing here?"
Ever the honest and upright girl, Elsa struggles to lie, "I was in town and stopped by for coffee."
"Oh come on!" Anna rings out, "You could've chosen any freaking cafe on High street and - you just happened to choose this one?"
Elsa fidgets with her car keys, "If it makes you feel good, then yea - I did choose this cafe."
"Well you're tough outta luck, our barista's sick and unless you want to taste my god awful coffee-making skills, I suggest you-"
"That'd be the best coffee I'd have all year."
A voice calls from the kitchen, "Anna! The bins!" Sending Anna scampering out the back.
Right, guess her name's Anna.
She comes back minutes later with a latte steaming in a paper cup. Black sharpie ink adorns the walls in tiny, squiggly handwriting.
LATTE FOR: THAT BLONDE CHICK WHO CHATTED ME UP LAST WEEK AND DISAPPEARED =(
Elsa giggles at the words, "I'm sorry for last week, and my name's Elsa."
Anna looks up into Elsa's eyes and breathes, "Elsa."
And at once Elsa inhales deeply at the way Anna pronounces her name. Like an eternal breath of unmet longing.
"That's some really good coffee, Anna," Elsa tells her second lie of the day, before laying out money and a generous tip.
"You're welcome?" Anna shakes her head, "Sorry, I mean - thank you."
That same tugging feeling makes an appearance in Elsa's chest. She bites her lip, "Is this the part where I leave you again?"
"Yes," Anna answers, the single word deflating Elsa's expression, "unless you're willing to wait five minutes for me to close up behind."
"I could live with that."
I'd wait an hour if I had to.
Five minutes later, Anna emerges with a tattered backpack and a denim jacket. Announcing that she has to go babysit.
Christ, how many jobs does she hold down?
"I-I could drive you there?" Elsa offers.
"I cycled," Anna points at her bicycle. Elsa points at her even bigger SUV.
"Fine," Anna relents, "I'm running a little late anyway."
Elsa swallows her apprehension as Anna loads her bicycle into the boot. The reality of what she's just done begins to dawn on her. Showing up at a girl's workplace. Asking her to get into her car. If she doesn't know any better, she'd be accused of being a-
"-Stalker."
Elsa turns in her car seat, noticing Anna giving her the side eye. Elbow propped against the window.
"What?"
"You stalked my workplace," Anna grins. God those teeth are perfect, aren't they?
A red light comes up. Elsa hides her trembling hands beneath her jeans. Katy Perry lyrics play on the radio. The one that got away.
"I guess I did," Elsa looks away, "Sorry, but I just-"
"You don't have to apologise," Anna retorts, shifting around uncomfortably, "Maybe you did have to leave early that night. Maybe I really wanted to see you again. Maybe life has a way of working stuff out."
Elsa's breath hitches. The girl's speaking fast. Too fast for her to catch the words "I really wanted to see you again." She ponders asking Anna to repeat herself, if only to know the words were real and not an imagination. Maybe you're just imagining things now.
She clamps both sweaty palms on the wheel. The simple act of driving through Suburban South Carolina now an intensely focused task with Anna beside her. The feat made worse by her constant fidgeting.
"Ugh, how can you listen to this crappy bubblegum pop?"
"It's just the radio-"
And all of a sudden, the music changes. Loud, banging rock music before Anna lowers the volume.
Elsa's eyes widen, "Did you just connect your phone to my radio?"
"Um, yea?" Anna replies nonchalantly, bopping her head to the song.
I woke up and walked a million miles today,
I've been looking up and down for you
"Foo Fighters, isn't it?"
Anna perks up in her seat, "Oh you know them?"
"Of course! My dad used to play their songs randomly on the guitar a long time ago, when- when-" Elsa trails off.
"Nice! I learned a few but I've no idea if I'd be able to pick it up again."
"You can play the guitar?" Elsa asks.
"Yea, I would," Anna stares out the window at the main shopping street floating by, "If I had one."
No guitar. Two jobs. Cycles between them. The pieces start to click in Elsa's head. Even more when they approach Anna's neighbourhood. All of a sudden, a little gremlin of insecurity creeps on Elsa. Driving this girl around in her Daddy's SUV. Pampered in a huge house with only grades to show for it. Anna's probably got ten times the character you have. As if that's not enough, Elsa turns to see Anna with her knees propped on the dashboard. Peering at Dr. Robinson's card she dropped on the seat. Heathridge Counselling and Psychiatry. She swallows a budding fear sprouting from her throat.
"What's this?" Anna asks, flipping the card over, "Are you a psycho who's really gonna chop me up in the forest? Because at least let me call my mom first-"
Blood rushes into Elsa's face, "No - I swear I'm not. It's just something my parents make me go to."
"Why?"
Elsa looks over at Anna. That smile has departed. Replaced by gentle blue eyes waiting for an answer.
"I-I don't know," Elsa sighs, "they think I'm stressed out or something."
Anna scoffs, "I'm pretty stressed too, we've got bills to pay and we can hardly keep up. Maybe I need a counsellor too, if I could even afford one."
"I'm not doubting that, Anna," Elsa answers, before she turns up the A/C, "look I don't even want to go."
"We can trade places," Anna smirks.
"I'll give you a guitar if you go in there and pretend to be me."
"Hah!" Anna throws back her head in laughter. That single motion unravelling a knot around her chest. She smiles. Wishing the drive could go on forever like this. The song's chorus hits and Anna cranks up the volume. Singing along in a soft, sweet voice which feels like honey to Elsa's soul.
There are times that I need someone
There are times I feel like no one
Sometimes I just don't know what to do
There are days I can't remember
Just as she contemplates deliberately making a wrong turn, Anna points out the house. Her Lexus SUV sticks out amongst the rusted trucks lining the street. Dogs bark in the distance. A police siren wails.
"Thanks for the ride, Elsa."
That's it?
Elsa stays in the driver's seat, watching Anna retrieve her bicycle with a burning ache in her chest. She sits upright when the girl walks over to her open car window. Arms folded against the door's edge. A flutter runs through her chest at that little pout appearing on her lips. But there's an ambivalence in Anna's eyes she can't quite decipher. A pregnant pause as Anna searches for words. A pause Elsa's all too glad to cling onto.
"Y'know - right from the moment I met you-" Anna drops to a whisper, before she looks away at the setting sun, "I just couldn't stop thinking about you."
Elsa's breath halts. She gazes into Anna's eyes. Only to have them dip away from her. C-could you say that again?
"But at the same time, I kept telling myself that we're from different worlds," Anna says, pursing her lips into a line, "and that's just even more apparent today."
The cogs in Elsa's head spin into overdrive. Her eyes water. Another kind of ache clutches at Elsa's chest. One that actually hurts.
Don't let me go. Please.
She looks down at her lap. For all the perfect grades in the world, she doesn't have an answer to Anna's statement. So she waits. Waits until a voice screams at Anna to get in the house and help with the kids.
"Will I see you again?" Anna asks, fingers gripping the door. Red hair gleaming in the sunset.
"M-maybe," Elsa stutters.
"Anna!"
Without another word, Anna tears herself from the car. Double padlocking her bike to the fence and jumping into another cycle of work.
Her mind numbs with uncertainty. Pain-stricken longing laces each shallow breath as she's unable to let go of that girl she spent all of thirty minutes with. Elsa stays in the car long enough for some gangsters to walk by and ask if she wants to buy crack. As she drives away, the sudden disconnection of Anna's Bluetooth music from the radio feels like the life support has been yanked out of her soul.
The ache refuses to lift even as she returns home and lies on her rooftop duvet. Deep in her heart, she ponders whether it's enough to live under the same night sky as someone like Anna.
Or if she'd really have to fly a spaceship across the Cosmos. Just to land in her world.