She felt hollow inside, as though her entire being had been scooped up and dumped on the floor, as if the very essence of herself had flooded out of her like the blood that she could vaguely recall seeing pooling on what had once been her kitchen floor. Her sleep had been peppered with strange dreams, flashbacks and snapshots of what had taken place there. She could remember arguing with Stewart, remembering turning to go out the back door but after that, things were less clear. She could remember the pain though, a sharp, twisting pain in her back, a pain that she could still feel, though not to the same extent.
When she had woken and found herself in hospital, her first reaction had been one of panic. She had tried to move, tried to sit up, tried to rip the wires and tubes from her body and had required to be calmed, soothed and, ultimately, injected with something that had made her muscles relax and slide her slowly back into a state of blissful unconsciousness. When she had roused the second time, her mind had been clearer, and she had been able to take in what the doctor was telling her.
"You were very lucky," he said. "The wound was deep, and you lost a lot of blood, but because it was a jagged weapon, rather than a knife, there was little internal damage done. You'll be in a bit of pain for some time, but there's no reason that you shouldn't make a full recovery."
"How long will I have to stay here?" she asked.
"A few days at least, until we see how the wound is healing and we're confident that you're mobile. It will be important to have support when you do leave. Is there someone who can stay with you?"
She had nodded, even though the truth seemed very far from it. Where did she go from here? Where did they go from here? She had learned that it was Frank who had found her, and she could only imagine what had gone through his mind. Perhaps, after this, he would realise that a future with her was far too complicated. She dozed on and off through the hours of the morning and, when she woke again, was surprised to find him by her bedside. He looked hellish, as though he hadn't slept a wink, but he brightened when he saw she was awake and, leaning forwards in his chair, kissed her gently.
"Hello darling."
"Hi."
"How are you feeling?"
She shifted slightly in the bed and her back throbbed. "Sore," she admitted, pressing the button she had been instructed to use at varying intervals to dispense painkillers into her bloodstream. "Like I've been stabbed in the back." It was meant as mild humour, but his expression only grew more drawn. "Are you all right?"
"Me?" He seemed surprised by her question. "I'm fine."
"You found me."
"Yeah…yeah I did."
"I'm sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry about," he said earnestly, "nothing at all."
"I should never have gone to the house."
"I should have been with you." He paused. "When I saw you lying there…"
"Don't."
"I thought…" he broke off. "If I'd lost you…"
"Well, I'm still here," she said, and he took her hand in his and kissed it. "If you had been there, maybe it would have been worse."
"How could it possibly have been any worse?"
"You might have been hurt too."
"If it meant saving you from all of this then I'd gladly have taken whatever he had to throw at me. Can you remember what happened?"
She looked up at the ceiling, drawing the memories back into her mind. "He called and told me he had photographs of us that he was going to use. He wanted me to go over there, and I thought…I thought I could get him to give them to me." A sense of embarrassment washed through her at her own naivety. "Only, there weren't any photographs. When I tried to leave, he locked the front door, so I tried to go out the back instead…" she broke off. "I'm not really clear about everything that happened after that."
"You'll need to give a statement."
"I know."
"You have to press charges for this, Chris."
She looked over at him again, "I know…if we catch him."
"Well, you don't have to worry about that. He walked into the station just before I left to come here."
"What?"
"I'm guessing he wanted to confess, at least I hope he did. I was told, in no uncertain terms that I had to stay well away from the investigation." He squeezed her hand. "I saw him, you know. Sat there in the front office. Took everything I had not to kill him."
She didn't know what to say, didn't know how to feel, and yet he was looking at her as though he expected some kind of response from her. Stewart was in custody…Stewart would get charged…Stewart would, maybe, go to prison…
"None of this is what I wanted," she finally found her voice.
"I know," he reached over and stroked her hair gently. "It's not what I wanted either. I wanted it to be you and me, together, no complications, none of this…" he paused. "I should tell you that I had a dressing down from Reid before I came here. She's gunning for us. Well, me more than you. You know how she and I have never seen eye to eye since she arrived at the nick."
"She knows then."
"Yeah…" he nodded. "I had no choice, I had to tell her. I reckon she'd guessed anyway." He looked down. "She'll be coming to see you at some point no doubt. I'm sure she'll want to hear your side of the story in all this mess. I bet she's hoping you're going to say that I pressured you, forced you into some sort of relationship for my own ends."
She met his gaze. "We both know that's not true."
"I'm not sure that's how she sees it."
"We fell in love with one another; no more to it than that."
He paused and looked at her, and she couldn't help but feel that there was something he wasn't telling her. "What?"
"I didn't get the job with the Flying Squad. Apparently, some idiot from Bishops Lane snaffled it. I never even got so much as an interview." He shook his head. "That's Tommy off my Christmas card list anyway, useless bastard."
"So, where does that leave us?"
"I don't know," he replied. "But let's not worry about that now, eh? The important thing is for you to focus on getting better. What have they said about how long you'll have to be in here?"
"A few days at least, until they're satisfied I'm healing and mobile but…" she let out a long breath. "I'm guessing it looks worse than it really is, even if it is pretty painful. I suppose I've got some sort of idea now about how Stewart felt when he got shot."
He didn't say anything for a long moment, and she tried to work out what might be going on in his brain, what he might be thinking about the future, their future, or if they even had one. Eventually, he leaned in closer to her. "I love you, Chris."
She suddenly felt tired, so very tired and, closing her eyes again, felt the effects of the painkillers kick in and pull her back towards the land of blissful ignorance, before she knew if she had returned the sentiment.
XXXX
"How is she?"
"As well as can be expected." Frank sat down at his desk and rubbed his hands across his face. After Christina had fallen asleep again, he had wanted to stay with her, but the nurse had eventually told him that he needed to leave, but that he could visit her again that night. "They reckon she should be discharged in a few days."
"Well, that's good news," Tosh hovered in the doorway. "Ted and the DCI are still in with Church."
"What has he said?"
"No idea yet, but he didn't want a solicitor so…"
"So hopefully he's put his hands up to it."
"Hopefully. Why else would he turn himself in?" Tosh hesitated. "Guv…"
"Don't," he stopped him. "Don't say anything, Tosh."
"All right I won't," the other man replied. "Only…I'm here, if you need to talk."
He looked up and met his gaze, somewhat surprised at the offer. It had been made quite gently, with none of the recrimination he had grown used to from Ted, and he couldn't help but think it might be nice to talk about how he felt with someone who perhaps wouldn't judge him so harshly. But, at the end of the day, Tosh was a DC, he was a DI, and the shit was probably already swirling around the fan. Least said, the better. "Thanks Tosh, I'm fine."
"Ok, if you're sure."
"I'm sure." He turned to some of the papers on his desk, things he had to deal with and yet couldn't seem to find the motivation for. How could he concentrate on anything while all this was going on? He wanted to be in on the interview, wanted to hear what the other man was saying, and yet was all too well aware that staying away from it was all he could do. Before he knew it, an hour had passed and he had done nothing, focused on nothing, other than her and how he felt. When Derek turned up at his door and asked him to go to his office for a chat, it was almost a welcome distraction.
"You stupid bastard," Derek said, once the door was closed behind them. "What the bloody hell were you thinking?!"
"Oh, don't you start!" he retorted. "I've already had the royal dressing down from her Majesty. I don't need it from you too!"
"Oh, don't you? Well, you'd better get used to it Frank, because there's more coming!" Derek shook his head. "She's a WDC for heaven's sake, and a married one at that! Have you learned nothing from what happened to Gordon Wray?"
Once more, he felt the smart of indignation at being compared to the other man. "I'm nothing like Gordon Wray."
"Aren't you? You seem like it from where I'm standing. Senior officer sleeping with junior officer…"
"I love her."
"Oh, please…" Derek waved his hand dismissively and sat down behind his desk with a sigh. "I am fed up with having to deal with these situations! Roach and Fraser, Wray and Ackland and now you and Lewis. I thought better of you, Frank, I really did. I mean, we all know what you like to get up to but this…"
"And what exactly do I like to get up to, Sir?"
"Oh, come on…don't play that with me," Derek shook his head. "You have a reputation, Inspector."
He didn't know what to say in response. He knew what he wanted to say, and yet couldn't help but think that it would simply fall on deaf ears. He had created a monster by his own behaviour and now nobody – nobody – considered that change was possible. "Is that everything?"
"No, it bloody isn't! I have to feed back to Mr Brownlow about where we go from here with this mess! I'm fairly sure that he'll share my views that we don't want to lose you from Sun Hill, despite the position you've put us in. You're a damn good officer, with the potential to rise though the ranks and now you're looking at throwing it all away! If you get an official reprimand for this…"
"If?" he seized on the one piece of positive information that had come from the exchange.
"There's still a lot to be taken into consideration. Not least of all, WDC Lewis's position here and whether that remains tenable in light of all this. She also happens to be a good officer with a lot of potential, possibly now wasted because of some…some hook up!"
He bit his tongue, not wanting to exacerbate the situation any further.
"If you get an official reprimand, Frank, then you can kiss goodbye to any prospects of promotion. But, given your professional reputation, it might be something that could be avoided…if other factors come into play."
"What other factors?"
"Like I said, WCD Lewis's position also needs to be considered."
Frank paused as the other man looked at him meaningfully and he suddenly realised what he was trying to confer. "You want me to throw her under the bus?"
"She's younger than you and of lower rank. A quiet sideways move might avoid any unnecessary gossip and, of course, steps would be taken as far as possible to mitigate the stain that sleeping with her DI might leave on her own record…"
Anger flared through him. "This is not a hook up Sir, as you put it, and I'm not going to throw her to the wolves to save my own skin…"
"Oh, come on Frank, stop with the nobility crap! Don't let some misplaced lust ruin your career!"
He opened his mouth to respond further, to put the other man in his place, to leave him in no uncertain terms what his feelings were, but a sharp knock at the door interrupted him and Kim suddenly appeared.
"Ah Frank, you're here, good." She took a breath. "We've had a full confession from Stewart Church and we're charging him with attempted murder. CPS might take a different view and knock it down to ABH, but I think it's best to aim high in these circumstances. He's being processed at the moment and then court tomorrow. I think a remand is appropriate, but we'll see what the court says." She paused. "How was Christina when you saw her?"
He finally found his voice, "As you would expect, Ma'am."
"Right, well I'm going to head over to see her now, tell her the news."
"I could do that," he jumped in, then realised from the look on Kim's face that the visit would be about more than just an update on the case.
"Thank you, Frank, but I think it's better if I do it, given the circumstances, don't you?" Before waiting for a response, she swept out again, closing the door behind her.
"Don't be a fool, Frank," Derek said, breaking into the silence. "There's a lot at stake here for you."
He turned back to face him, a thousand thoughts running through his mind, none of which he thought would do any use at the moment. "Yes sir," he said. "I know."
XXXX
Kim sat down in the chair next to the bed and looked at her sympathetically, and Christina felt her stomach contract with anxiety. She had woken feeling slightly better and had managed to eat something, which the nurse assured her was progress, but she wasn't sure that she was ready for what she knew was about to come.
"How are you feeling?"
"Not too bad, considering. It looks worse than it really is."
"Are you on a lot of medication?"
"Just pain relief."
"Well, you look better than I thought you might, but you need to take time to heal. You've been through a very traumatic ordeal." Kim paused. "Your husband handed himself in to the station earlier."
"Yes, I know."
"DS Roach and I interviewed him, and he confessed to the assault on you. He said that you were arguing about the end of your marriage and that he reacted, badly, when you made to leave the house. He accepted smashing the bottle and stabbing you with it." She said the words fairly dispassionately, and yet Christina couldn't help but feel a bubble of emotion in her chest. "He's been charged with attempted murder, and he'll be attending court tomorrow where we'll be asking for a remand. How do you feel about that?"
"He's never been in serious trouble before…" she shook her head, still almost unable to believe what had happened. "A police officer in prison is never going to get an easy time, but…" she shivered slightly at the memory of what had happened in the house, more and more snippets coming back to her over time. "I don't think he would deliberately want to hurt me."
Kim nodded. "What are your plans for when you're released from here?"
"I'll be going back to my flat."
"By yourself?"
"Yes."
"Have you no family who could come and stay with you for a while?"
"No," she shook her head. "Not really. My dad lives in Brighton but…we're not close."
"Friends then?"
"I wouldn't want to put anyone out."
"Christina, it's at times like these that you need a strong support network around you. You've got plenty friends at Sun Hill. I'm sure Viv or June would be happy to come and spend the odd night with you, if only to help you physically. I'm sure you know from dealing with what happened to your husband how debilitating a back injury can be."
"I've got support, Ma'am, but thank you."
Kim paused and looked at her carefully. "Yes…that's partly what I wanted to talk to you about. I know this is a difficult time, but it is something that we need to address."
She had known it was coming, the lecture. She had steeled herself for it, ever since Frank had told her that Kim knew. In her head, she had practiced what she was going to say when confronted with it and yet, curiously, she found her mind going blank.
"Are you and DI Burnside having a sexual relationship?"
Laid out so plainly, it sounded sordid, even though she knew it was anything but. "Yes Ma'am."
"You do know that relationships between senior and junior officers at the same station are prohibited, don't you?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"And do you know why that is?"
"I'm not ignorant," she replied. "I know it's all to do with a power imbalance."
"Well yes that is part of it," Kim agreed. "In most cases the senior officer is male and there are natural concerns that vulnerable female officers could be taken advantage of…"
"He hasn't taken advantage of me!" she snapped before she could stop herself.
Kim paused and blinked. "Your relationship with your husband has been a difficult one of late, I understand that. I know we've all seen some of the problems you've had to face in the run up to this incident. Problems that, by their very nature, made you vulnerable. You'll be aware that it's not unusual to hear stories about predatory male officers…"
"That is not the situation here!" Christina exclaimed. "Frank has been nothing but respectful towards me!"
"Really?"
"Really," she replied, angry at the insinuation that it could be anything else. "He is not a predatory male officer!"
Kim nodded in a way that suggested she was simply humouring her. "But it's more than just an imbalance of power, Christina. Every day, police officers put themselves into risky situations and senior officers are responsible for the deployment of junior officers in these situations. Relationships between the two can result in poor decision making that can lead to problems for everyone."
"You're saying that Frank would avoid putting me into risky situations."
"Yes, or the opposite. You could be asked to undertake tasks that he wouldn't ask other officers to do purely based on the relationship that you have. A different example of being taken advantage of."
"Frank has never asked me to do anything for him that would be considered inappropriate."
"In your opinion."
"Well surely it's my opinion that counts."
"Partly, yes." Kim smiled gently. "But the overall picture has to be taken into account. You are a good officer Christina, with a lot of potential. I'd hate to see all of that thrown away because of this indiscretion."
"It's not an indiscretion, Ma'am. Frank and I love each other."
"Yes, that's what he said."
"It's the truth."
Kim sighed. "Christina, the fact is that this relationship could do serious damage to your career. You could find yourself moved on to another station, and with you would go the stigma of having had an affair with your senior officer. Whether we like it or not, mud sticks." She leaned forward. "Not to mention the fact that any prospects of promotion Frank might have once had would be seriously called into question as a result of, what might be considered, poor judgement. You remember DCI Wray, I take it?"
"Of course I do."
"Then you'll be aware that it was his indiscretion with a female member of the relief that led to his sideways move. He'd 'done his legs' as they say, and she wasn't even directly under his authority." Kim paused. "I don't want to see either yours or Frank's career ruined as a result of the continuation of this. I know that he was looking at a position with the Flying Squad but…well…"
Christina swallowed hard, "What are you trying to say, Ma'am?"
"Steps can be taken, measures put in place to limit the fallout of this, but only if you understand and recognise what has to be done in order for those measures to be effective."
She locked gazes with her superior officer, knowing full well what she alluding to, even if she didn't want to admit it. Continuing with their relationship could be professional suicide for both of them and how could she do that to Frank? How could she allow him to throw away the career that she knew he was destined to have simply because of her? It wouldn't be worth it, couldn't be worth it. She had so much going on in her life at the moment that, surely, she would be incapable anyway of giving him what he needed. How could she love him the way she knew he wanted her to if she had a divorce and a court case hanging over her head? Why would he want to become embroiled in such a mess anyway? He had helped her make the decision to leave her unhappy marriage and had assisted her in doing so. He had done enough. It wouldn't be fair to ask him to sacrifice his entire career too.
"I understand. Ma'am."
Kim looked at her curiously, as though she hadn't expected her to agree. "Well, I think it's for the best all round. Minimal disruption to a happy ship."
When she was alone again, Christina felt hot tears pool in her eyes and then slide down her cheeks. She had gone from telling one man she was leaving him to now having to tell another. Life could be so unfair sometimes.
