2 April 1991

"So, just to clarify…."

Christina took a deep breath and tried not to scream with frustration. She had already been sat in the small, airless office for over an hour reliving what had happened weeks earlier, and she wasn't sure how much more she could take. When she had returned from Brighton, and found the letter from CPS waiting for her, her heart had sank. Stewart had pled not guilty, unsurprisingly despite his confession. Any lawyer worth their salt would never plead a client on the first shout to something as serious as attempted murder and she had therefore known that things would drag out longer than she would have hoped. But being called into the prosecution lawyer's office to go through her statement over and over again hadn't been what she had been expecting and she was starting to feel angsty. "What exactly do you need me to clarify now?"

He looked over at her. "I'm sorry if you're finding this difficult."

"I am, actually. I'm the victim here, remember?"

"I appreciate that, Mrs Church, I really do and I know that you're hoping your husband will change his plea before trial, as am I, but we do have to be prepared for every eventuality." He looked back down at the paper in front of him. "So, just to clarify…you admitted to your husband that you had been having an affair prior to him attacking you."

"Yes."

"And the identity of your affair partner?"

"Affair partner?" the term seemed so ludicrous that she couldn't help snorting with laughter.

"Yes, the man you were having an affair with, who was it?"

She hesitated. "I don't see how that's relevant. I've admitted that I was having an affair, surely that's enough."

"Well, if this does go to trial, then I can imagine that your husband will bring out the identity of this man in his own evidence. I'd rather it not come as a surprise to us, to be honest, and we might need to take a statement from him too."

"He wasn't there when this happened."

"I know that, but still…" he looked at her meaningfully. "Well?"

She paused and swallowed hard before shaking her head. "I'm sorry, I'm not prepared to tell you who he is."

The lawyer sat back in his chair. "We do have other statements to obtain from your colleagues and your DCI…don't you think it likely one of them might divulge who he is, if they know? It really would be better coming from you."

She hesitated again, angry with herself that she hadn't considered this as a possibility. How stupid of her! She had gone out of her way to push Frank away, to turn him against her, to ensure that he didn't do something foolish like give up his job, all because she loved him and couldn't help but feel a sense of wanting to protect him from all her mess and now…now he was going to get dragged into it regardless.

"I need some time to think about it."

"Ok," the lawyer nodded slowly. "But I can't give you too much time, I'm afraid. We need to get this case moving on as swiftly as we can, for you and your husband."

Emerging back out into the chilly air, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She was already feeling anxious about the following day and her impending return to work and now this had put the tin lid on it. Not only was she going to have to face Frank, in light of all that had been said, but she would also need to explain to him what CPS wanted. She had made no move to contact him over the course of the last few weeks, not that she hadn't spent days and nights sitting on her own, staring at the phone and wishing everything could be different. The look on his face the last time they had met haunted her, as did the perhaps foolishness of her own decisions. To say what she had said, even in the heat of the moment, was unforgivable and she knew she couldn't blame him for his reaction. She thought about her father saying that she was 'out of her mind' and couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't somehow right.

To distract herself, she had contacted some old friends that she hadn't seen in a long time and had enjoyed catching up with them. They had all been shocked to hear about the breakdown of her marriage, but supportive, and she had vowed that she would try to do better at keeping in touch. Two of them had had babies since they had last met and she had enjoyed cooing and fussing over them, anything to distract herself from her own feelings, but she had said nothing to any of them about Frank. Separating from him felt even more painful than separating from Stewart which often made no sense to her. She and Stewart had been together for years as opposed to the heady, lust filled few weeks she had spent with Frank. How could the latter affect her more than the former?

The best she could hope for was professionalism between them. Surely, over time, the wounds would heal, they would both move on…and things would be normal again.

XXXX

"What do you mean, you're going out?"

There was a short silence at the other end of the phone. "What do you think it means? It means, I'm going out."

Frank closed his eyes and shook his head. "I thought I was going to see you tonight. I thought we had planned it."

"Did we? I'm sorry, but I don't remember," Fiona's voice came breezily down the line. "Anyway tonight, tomorrow night…what's the difference?"

He fought down the urge to snap at her that there was a grave difference. He wanted to see her, needed to see her. He needed to be with someone before he had to face what was coming the following morning; the return of she who he tried not to think about and yet often couldn't help doing anything but. It seemed like an ideal solution. Go out with Fiona, shag her senseless, deplete himself and then he would feel calmer and better able to handle Christina's return. But now, the silly cow was throwing a spanner in the works.

"The difference is, I wanted to see you tonight."

Fiona paused again, "I'm not sure I'm liking your tone, Frank. I've always been available when you've wanted to see me before, but I can't do tonight, I'm sorry. I'm not some hooker that you book and pay a deposit for, you know."

"Have I ever suggested you were?"

"Well, you come in and out often enough like a punter would."

"You were the one who said you were always available if I needed an outlet."

"Yeah well, that was when I thought you were at least shagging me for me and not wishing I was somebody else every single time. You think I didn't hear you say her name last weekend? I'm not deaf you know."

He froze, suddenly glad that they weren't face to face. He had no memory of what she was talking about, no memory of having breathed Christina's name during any encounter with her and, yet it was entirely possible. She still dominated most of his thoughts, not least of all when he was being intimate with someone. "Fine, forget it." He put down the phone without further recourse to her and immediately reached for his little black notebook, scrolling through the pages until he found the section he was looking for.

After at least twenty minutes of attempting to find someone willing to give him some company that evening, he was forced to admit defeat and a feeling of self-loathing started to creep over him. It was pathetic, he was pathetic, and he threw the notebook towards the door, just as Ted opened it and narrowly avoided being struck.

"Someone piss you off?" he asked, lifting it from the floor and dropping it back on the desk.

"What is it, Ted?" he asked irritably.

"I was just wondering if you had any plans for this evening. Some of the lads are talking about going for a gargle and I thought you might like to join us."

"Why? You think I need company?"

"It was just an idea, no pressure." Ted paused. "Anything you want to talk about?"

"No."

"It's just that, over the last few weeks you haven't seemed like yourself and I thought…"

"I said no, can't you understand English?" he snapped.

"Fine, my mistake."

"Ted!" he called out quickly as the other man made to close the door over. "I'm sorry, you didn't deserve that. Thanks for the offer, but I reckon I'm better on my own tonight."

Ted paused and then glanced behind him. "It's tomorrow, isn't it? Christina?"

He nodded, "Yeah, she's back tomorrow."

"Look, I know it's none of my business, but you've been in a foul mood for weeks now, ever since you took that weekend off and the last few days, well, I don't think any of us have wanted to breathe loudly lest you take our heads off…" he left the thought trailing.

Frank sighed, "Let's just say, whatever there might have been between us has been consigned to the history books."

"Ah. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, so am I. Sorry I ever gave that little cow one second of my time." Ted's eyebrows raised in surprise. "She's dangerous, Ted. She's got a mouth on her that could get anyone into trouble, given half a chance. I'm well out of it." Ted nodded slowly, as though he didn't quite believe what he was being told. "Anyway, I've never been short of offers before so I shan't weary for want of a warm bed."

"All right," Ted replied, gesturing to the notebook. "You don't want to lose that then."

Alone again, he picked up the notebook and had another trawl through it, picking out the numbers he had missed or those that hadn't answered on the first try. Eventually he hit the jackpot. Lorna, a woman he barely remembered but who was free and seemed willing to meet up. He only hoped that she wasn't one for scintillating conversation.

That wasn't what he needed.

3 April

"It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back, Ma'am," Christina replied, sitting down opposite Kim's desk and fighting hard against the swirling anxiety within her. Getting up, getting dressed and driving to the station had taken so much out of her that morning already and she had practically ran up the stairs and into Kim's office before having so much as a chance to see anyone else.

"I appreciate you've been away for a number of weeks now but I'm glad that you took the time to get back to full fitness. I see the occupational health appointments have gone well and they've signed you off as being fit to resume full duties."

"Yes Ma'am."

"Are you still in any pain?"

"The occasional twinge now and again but nothing that I can't deal with."

"You haven't taken up the offer of counselling, however?"

"No," she replied. "I…don't think it's necessary at this time."

"I see…" Kim sat back in her chair. "You did suffer an extremely traumatic incident."

"Yes, I know but I'm not really at the stage of wanting to talk much about it with anyone." At least part of her statement was true. The thought of discussing in detail with someone what had happened that day, that month, that year filled her with dread, and yet she was prone to standing in front of the mirror and having conversation with herself about it. Some days she blamed herself for what Stewart had done, telling her reflection that she had driven him to it, other days she cried at the memory and wallowed in self-pity for all that had been lost.

"Well, I can understand that. You know that the offer of counselling will always be open to you, should you feel that you need it."

"Yes Ma'am, thank you."

"Good," Kim smiled. "I'm sure you'll be eager to get stuck back in but, before you do, I just wanted to have a word with you about how you saw things here moving forwards."

"Ma'am?"

"Well, you're staying at Sun Hill which is very fortuitous for all of us, but we did talk previously about you possibly going forward for the sergeants exam again. I wondered if you'd had any time to consider that further while you were away. I certainly wouldn't want you to think that anything that had happened in the past would preclude you from reaching your full potential."

Christina looked down at her hands. There were so many things that she felt could preclude her from that, not least her own sense of failure in every aspect of her life. "Can I think about it?" she deflected. "I'd like to just get back into a routine first before I consider anything else."

"Of course," Kim replied. "Let me know what you decide, and I can deal with the paperwork for you."

"Ma'am," She got to her feet and turned towards the door.

"Whilst it is lovely to have you back, I do hope that there aren't going to be any problems going forwards?"

She turned back, "Problems, Ma'am?"

"Between you and Inspector Burnside," Kim looked at her meaningfully. "I understand that issue has been…set aside, so to speak. I had a brief conversation with him some weeks ago and that was certainly the impression he gave me."

She could only imagine what he might have said. "If you mean that we've ended our relationship, then yes."

"Good. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really must keep an eye on what is good for CID as a whole. I hope that you and Frank can be mature about this going forwards."

"Yes Ma'am," she replied, feeling less confident with each passing moment. "I'm sure we can."

XXXX

He knew before he saw her that she was in the room. It was as though he was attuned to her and as he looked up from the dull report he had been reading and saw Jim embracing her, he felt a stab go through his heart that he hadn't quite been expecting and which took him a moment to recover from. He got to his feet and made his way to the office door just as she finished the round of greetings and turned to meet his gaze, looking just as she had the last time he had seen her in Brighton. In that second, he knew instantly that he had been a fool to think that unloading himself into another woman the previous evening would make any difference to how he felt, despite how welcoming Lorna had been.

"You're back then," he said, in what he hoped was as neutral a tone as possible. There was no point in alerting anyone who didn't need alerting to the fact that things had irrevocably changed between them.

"Yes Guv," she replied. "It's good to be back."

"Viv and Jim have been covering your work whilst you've been away, but I told them to slacken off a bit last week so that you'd have some things to do when you got here," he gestured to her in-tray. "Hopefully there's nothing too taxing in there."

"Great, thanks."

"Rules dictate that we have to have a return-to-work meeting."

"I thought that was what I had with the DCI?" she frowned.

"Has to be done with all tier management apparently. So, when you're ready." He stepped back into his office round the back of his desk and, a few moments later, she appeared in front of him again. "Close the door." He saw her pause for an infinitesimal second and then did as asked. "Sit down." He met her gaze across the desk and tried his best to remain professional. "I have to make sure that you're fit for duty."

"Well, the report said…"

"I know what the report said, I've read it. I want to hear from you that you're fit to be back. That there's nothing going to hinder you in being an effective police officer, physically or mentally."

"I'm fine," she said brightly.

"Are you?"

"Yes."

"Well, that's reassuring to hear." He paused, the silence stretching uncomfortably between them. "I don't want you to think that you'll be able to take any liberties with me."

She paused, "Liberties?"

"In light of what might be perceived as past favouritism. You're here to work and to get results to my satisfaction, nothing else. Got it?"

"Yes Guv."

"You do your job, I'll do mine and things should tick along nicely, all right?" She nodded. "Fine, get on with it then."

She rose to her feet and turned to the door before pausing, and he felt his stomach turn over. Turning back, she looked at him carefully. "I would never have done it."

"Done what?"

"You know what."

"Yeah well, I think the less said about that the better, don't you? Right now, I don't trust you as far as I could throw you." He hoped she would leave at that point, get on with the job in hand and let him be alone with his own thoughts but, instead, she moved back over towards his desk, hovering nervously. "What?"

"I had a meeting with CPS yesterday."

"And?"

"And they wanted to clarify my statement and…well…they asked me the identity of my 'affair partner.' They think Stewart might bring it up at trial, if there is a trial, and they want to be prepared. They also said they might want to take a statement." She paused. "I didn't give them your name, but I reckon they're going to keep hassling me until I do. I'm a bit surprised it hasn't come out already to be honest."

"So, you want my permission?"

She looked down at the floor, "I want to keep you out of it, but I don't know if that's going to be possible. I mean, I'm sure he'll plead guilty eventually and none of it will really matter but I suppose they have to prepare their case." She looked up again. "Us not being together has obviously mitigated some of the damage professionally and…"

"Oh yes, let's not forget how concerned you are about your career," he interrupted her, "and not wanting to have a 'stain' on your perfect record. So much so that you'd threaten to ruin mine with a false allegation."

"Frank please…"

"You give them my name if you want, and I'll tell them all about what a dirty little slag you were and how easily you spread your legs for me. Mind you, I'm not sure how much that'll help your case given it might just give Stewart's defence a good angle for saying you deserved all you got. Maybe I should throw in how you threatened to falsely report me for rape too, cast a bit of doubt on your character as a whole." Her eyes filled with tears, and he instantly regretted his words, but knew he'd gone too far to take them back, that the weeks of separation had done little to dull how acutely hurt he was. "Does that help you make up your mind?"

"You're a bastard," she said, her voice quivering.

"Yeah well, you've always known it, haven't you?"

"Did you ever stop to think why I said what I did?"

"Because you're a nasty little cow who, when she didn't get her own way, resorted to the worst thing she could think of?"

"You said you never believed me when I told you I didn't love you, so why would you believe that I would ever genuinely accuse you of anything so awful?" The tears spilled down her cheeks.

"Go on then, tell me. Dazzle me with your reasoning."

"Because…" she stopped and then took a deep breath, as though bringing herself back on course. "Because I need this. I need you to hate me. All of this is my fault anyway."

He frowned, "What…?"

"I'll give CPS your name," she nodded, wiping her hand roughly across her cheeks. "You tell them whatever you want. I'll deserve the outcome, whatever it is."

"Christina…"

But she was gone, the door closing behind her, the moment lost.

7 April

The week felt never-ending. Far from Frank's casual assertion of what might be in her in-tray, they were all fairly challenging cases, and she couldn't help but think that he had deliberately planned it that way to make it as difficult for her as he possibly could. In a way, she couldn't blame him. His earlier outburst, the names he had called her, were all justified under the circumstances. In one split second, she had ruined everything between them and if he did give a statement to CPS calling her a slag, then she supposed he was entitled. What sort of wife starts sleeping with her boss after her husband gets shot anyway? She was a slag.

But it hurt. It hurt being around him and watching him either avoid looking at her or looking at her as though she was someone he didn't recognise, someone he didn't want to recognise, someone he didn't care about. Christ, if she had thought the time apart would have made a difference, she had been so very wrong. Her body, her heart, her very soul ached every time they were in the same airspace, and she couldn't help but feel as though she had made a huge mistake. Being at Sun Hill when things were like this between them was torture and despite it only being the first day back, she wasn't sure that she could continue.

She thought about telling him the truth, about explaining why she had said what she said, but then queried where it would actually take them apart from potentially back into each other's arms or her being signed into the funny farm. Despite what he had thrown at her, her own career really didn't matter to her, but she was terrified for his, rationally or otherwise. There had been so many occasions over the previous few days where he had left the office on enquiries and taken Viv with him, without so much as a glance in her direction. She felt jealous, angry, hurt although she knew she was being unreasonable. How could she have said what she did and then expect things to be as they had once been? It was insane. She was insane.

There were moments when her chest would tighten inexplicably and she would feel as though she couldn't breathe, for no reason whatsoever. The words in front of her would dance and swirl before her eyes, her head would start thumping and her mouth would go dry.

It was Sun Hill, it had to be.

The very place and the people in it.

Him.

Now, as she stood in front of the coffee machine, waiting for it to spit out its wares, she couldn't help but think that there was only one solution to the whole mess.

"I think we need to have a chat." She jumped at the sound of Viv's voice close to her ear and, turning saw the other woman standing behind her. "Don't you?"

"About what?" she asked, carefully lifted the plastic cup from the machine.

"Somewhere a bit more private than the corridor." Viv turned and started walking down towards the interview rooms, opening the first door and glancing inside. "Come on, in here."

"I feel like a suspect. What are you wanting to grill me about?"

"I don't want to grill you about anything. I want to ask if you're all right."

"I'm fine."

"You don't look it. Come on, I thought we were supposed to be mates."

"We are mates."

"Then talk to me. You haven't been yourself since you stepped back through that door on Monday morning."

She shook her head, "What do you expect, Viv? My husband almost killed me and now he's in jail awaiting trial. My life as I knew it has completely changed. You don't think that qualifies me for a little…I don't know…reflective thought?"

"Chris…" Viv stepped forwards and fixed her with a steely gaze. "You were leaving him when he attacked you. You already had some kind of new life planned out for yourself. I can understand that what he did has left you very shaken but there's something else going on here." She paused. "I'm not one for station gossip, you know that. I'm asking you as a friend."

She looked away, feeling the very foundations under her feet slide like shifting sands. "It's not something I can talk about."

"No?"

"No."

"Well, how about I talk, and you listen then. I'm not stupid. The atmosphere in this place has gone through so many ups and downs of late it's like being on a rollercoaster. Before you got hurt you, and someone else not a million miles away from here, were both in great spirits. Then you wind up in hospital, go off on sick leave and ever since it's been like the bad old days. Do you have any idea what it was like working with him while you were off recuperating? I'll tell you, it was hell, and it hasn't got much better since you've been back. If anything, it's gotten worse. I spent two hours in a car with him today scared to move a muscle in case he took my head off." Viv paused. "You can tell me. I won't judge."

She felt her eyes fill with tears and blinked hard, willing them away, wanting to forget and yet painfully aware that she had no-one to talk to, no-one to share any of her thoughts and feelings with, other than her own stupid reflection. She shook her head again, not trusting herself to be able to speak.

"You and Burnside," Viv said softly. "How long had it been going on?"

She felt a rush of something run through her. Anxiety, relief, fear? She wasn't sure. "Does it matter?" she heard herself say. "It's over now."

"Your choice or his?"

"Mine. Well…the DCI's I suppose, I don't know…" she turned to the back of the room. "She made it very clear that if it didn't end then I would have to move station and the stigma of why would follow me everywhere I went for the rest of my career, not to mention potentially destroy his too."

"So, you ended it and he didn't like what he heard?"

What he heard…she shook her head. "He told me he'd leave the job." Viv's eyes widened. "He came to Brighton, and I told him that I didn't love him, that it had just been sex. I thought it would make it easier saying it, but it didn't. He didn't want to listen."

"So…?"

She took a deep breath and sat down at the table, knowing that she shouldn't be telling Viv this and yet feeling as though now the gates had been opened, there was no stopping the relentless flood. Perhaps she had been wrong in what she had said to Kim. Perhaps she did need to talk to someone in a professional capacity. "I went to his hotel, and we had sex. He didn't want me to leave, and I told him that I didn't love him and…and that if he didn't let me out of the room, I'd report him for raping me." A stunned silence descended, and she could feel Viv's shock. "I shouldn't have…"

"You threatened to report him for rape?"

"I…"

"Jesus Christ Christina…" Viv shook her head. "Are you out of your tree? How could you even think that you should…?"

"I know!" she exclaimed. "I know I shouldn't have said it, I know it's a horrible thing to say, I know it is! But I felt like I didn't have a choice! He was going to leave the job and I didn't want that!"

"Why on earth not?! He clearly loves you otherwise he wouldn't have suggested it!"

"Because he would have ended up resenting me! You know Frank this job, this place is his life. How could I let him throw all that away?!"

"This job, this place is only his life because he hasn't got anything else!" Viv exclaimed. "Because he hasn't got a wife and kids, a family, outside of here! If someone doesn't have that then, of course, they throw themselves into their work until the day comes when they do have that!" She paused. "You had talked about a future together, I suppose?"

"Yes."

"Well then…bloody hell…" Viv sat down opposite her. "No wonder he's been like a bear with a sore head all this time. I mean, rape?"

"All right, I take your point!"

"Do you, do you really? You might as well have threatened to accuse him of kiddy-fiddling!"

"God, a minute ago you were saying you were my friend, now you're Frank Burnside's personal champion!"

"I am your friend. I'm sorry. I'm just a bit…taken aback, that's all. By all of it. I had no idea about the two of you, not until this week. Suppose I'm a bit miffed you didn't think to tell me in the first place."

"How could I have told you?" she asked. "He's my boss. It's not allowed. Besides… I feel guilty about the whole thing, about being unfaithful to Stewart. If I had never done it, if I had never said I was leaving then this would never have happened and he wouldn't be in jail now."

"That is not your fault," Viv said sternly. "He chose to drink, Chris, and he chose to react the way that he did. As far as that's concerned, you're the victim, remember?"

"Am I? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it."

"Did he know? Stewart, that is. Did he know about you and Burnside?"

"When he attacked me, he knew. He'd seen us together." She looked at her friend again. "Does everyone know?"

"No, I don't think so. But you know what him and Ted are like so…"

"Ted knows."

"Oh well then."

She looked down at the table. "I thought things could go back to the way they were before any of it started, but they can't. I see that now. I'm going to ask for a transfer."

"What?"

"Well, I can't take it back, can I? I can't take back what I said to him, what I threatened, and even if I try to explain that I actually did it because I love him, he's probably going to think that I've lost the plot completely. I don't know, maybe I have…" she put her head in her hands. "All I know is, I can't go on like this. I used to love my job and right now I hate every second of it." She felt the pressure of Viv's hand on her arm and looked up to meet her gaze. "Do you think I'm a terrible person?"

"No, but I think you've done a pretty stupid thing that you need to fix. You need to tell him the truth Chris, whether he ends up believing why you did it or not."

"CPS want to know who he is. They want a statement from him."

"So?"

"So, when I told him, he said he would tell them I was a slag who dropped my knickers for him with little need for persuasion, or words to that effect."

"He won't do that."

"It would be no less than I deserved if he did."

Viv sat back and let out a long breath, "Have you spoken to someone about all this?"

"Like who, a counsellor?" Viv nodded. "No, though Reid did suggest it."

"Maybe you should take her up on the offer."

"So even more people can judge me? No thanks."

"But don't you think…?" Viv's words were cut off by the door suddenly opening, causing them both to jump.

"Am I interrupting something here?" Frank asked, his gaze shifting between them. "A lovers' secret tryst, perhaps?"

"Hardly Guv," Viv said good-naturedly, getting to her feet. "We were just catching up on some cases."

"I bet you were. I think the pair of you have got proper work to be getting on with, don't you?" Viv left the room and she rose to follow suit, only for him to fill the doorway, effectively blocking her exit. "Do we need to have a conversation?"

"About what?"

"Anything."

She searched his face but could read nothing in his expression. Viv's words of warning and attempted persuasion reverberated around her brain, and she knew that she should do it, knew that she should try and explain, knew that, deep down, she should just be honest about how badly she wanted to throw her arms around him right at that very moment.

"Well?"

But she couldn't do it.

"No Guv," she replied, as lightly as she could. "I don't think we do."