As she made her way back towards Conway's office, she could feel the tremors starting in her body again, the same ones she had experienced on hearing that Stewart would plead guilty. Her stomach churned, and she could only pray that she wouldn't vomit. Frank was walking close beside her, so close that that she could almost feel the heat from his body radiating towards her own. On one occasion, she felt his hand brush momentarily against her own and whilst part of her wanted to grab it and hold onto him, another part wanted to push him far away.
"Thank you both for coming back," Brownlow said as they stepped back into the office. "I appreciate that it's been a difficult morning. In light of everything, I've decided to take DCI Reid's suggestion to neither confirm nor deny what was said in court. I'm going to focus on the fact that you are the victim here, WDC Lewis, and that the sentence your husband received fits the crime. Hopefully, that will be an end to it as far as the press are concerned. I'm also obviously going to issue a directive that no officer from this station is to speak to the press under any circumstance and that includes you." He paused. "Insofar as where we go from here internally, I'm minded that, as I said, you are the victim in all of this and, as such, I don't feel that further action beyond the unofficial warning given to you earlier this year is necessary. But I do want the truth from you."
"Sir?"
He eyed her critically. "Has the relationship between yourself and DI Burnside come to an end?"
She could feel Frank's eyes on her back and almost sense his tension. "Yes sir."
"Then, that's all I can ask of you." His gaze moved over her head. "Frank, the same goes for you. There will be no further internal action taken, despite the misgivings that I have over your conduct. As I said, given what happened with DCI Wray I don't think it would reflect well on us to have another senior officer pilloried for, what I'm sure we can all agree was, an error of judgement."
"Sir."
"But I will say this to both of you; if there is any repetition of this matter, or anything of a similar nature comes to my attention in the future then I will not be so lenient. Rules and regulations are there for reasons of which I'm quite sure you're both very well aware. But for now, no more will be said about it."
"Thank you, sir," she found her voice. "I'm sure we appreciate it."
"I hope you do." Brownlow sighed. "In any event, I want you to take the rest of the day off at least, and any other time this week that you feel you might need in light of today's events. I'm not immune to understanding the effect I'm sure your husband's sentence has had on you, quite apart from what else was said. Frank, I'm assuming there's nothing preventing you getting back to work?"
"Uh, no sir."
"Good. I've spoken with Inspector Monroe and asked him to speak sternly to the relief. I don't want idle gossip in the station taking time away from police work. Kim, I assume you can take the same view with the rest of CID? I imagine tongues are well and truly wagging this morning."
"Yes sir, I'll make it very clear to them," Kim replied.
"Good, well let's hope that we can now draw a line under this matter," Brownlow moved towards the door to his own office, "and get back to the job in hand. At the end of the day, you're both very capable police officers."
"Thank you, sir," she heard herself say again.
"Right, that's it then," Derek said, somewhat irritably. "Both of you, get out of here."
She wasn't sure what the overriding emotion was flowing through her as she left his office and emerged back out into the corridor. Relief that it was all over, fear about what would happen now, anxiety over the choices she was going to have to make…
"Well, you heard the Chief Super," Kim said, coming into her line of vision, "and I have to agree with him that you would be best to go home today and see how you feel for the remainder of this week. Frank, I'm sure the others can assist with anything that's urgently outstanding?"
"I don't think there is anything in particular, Ma'am," he said, his eyes on her. "Nothing that can't wait at any rate."
"Good, I'm glad to hear it." Kim smiled at her sympathetically. "I'm sure you could use a cup of tea, Christina."
"Oh…umm…yes, I suppose so."
"Fine, why don't you head down to the canteen, and I'll send Viv down. She can give you a lift home."
"I…" she opened her mouth to protest, to say that she would get herself home, but the thought of being with someone she still considered a friend was appealing. There was a part of her that really didn't want to be alone. "Thank you, Ma'am." Glancing at Frank, she could tell he wanted to say something, but with Kim hovering, she knew that he wouldn't. Tearing her gaze away, she headed for the stairs, down into the front office, through the security door and along the corridor towards the canteen. As she walked, passing various colleagues and so-called friends, she felt every pair of eyes on her, could hear the hushed whispers as she walked past. So much for any stern words Monroe might have imparted.
To her relief, the canteen was fairly quiet when she walked in, and it was only as she turned having ordered and paid for her tea that she noticed Tony and June sitting at a table in the corner. Both of them turned to look at her and, for a moment, she considered going over to join them. Fear prevented her, however, and instead, she took a table in the middle of the room, concentrating on putting the milk and sugar into her tea. She heard the scrape of chairs and, out of the corner of her eye, saw them both get to their feet. Whilst Tony headed for the door, June hesitated and then began threading her way through the tables towards her.
"I heard about what happened at court," June said quietly.
"I imagine everyone's heard by now."
"I thought…I don't know…I knew that you and the DI worked well together but…"
"You didn't imagine for a minute that I was sleeping with him?" she met the other woman's gaze somewhat boldly even if, inside, she felt that all she wanted to do was run away and hide and never have to explain herself to anyone.
"No. Look, I know I'm hardly in a position to judge because of, well, Gordon…"
"No, you're not."
"But Burnside? Chris, he's your immediate boss, not to mention a complete misogynist! He tried it on with me once, not long after he got here."
"I know."
"I just…"
"I don't expect you to understand, June. I don't expect any of you to understand."
"June!" Tony reappeared at the canteen door. "Come on!"
"I've got to go," June said, "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"Yeah," she mused as the other woman turned away. "So am I."
XXXX
"I appreciate that there are certain rumours going around the department as a result of what was said in court this morning." Kim's gaze travelled around the assembled group in the CID office. "But what was said by Stewart Church's solicitor is not what should be being focused on today. We all have to remember that Christina is a victim, stabbed by her husband, for which there can be no excuse. She's your colleague and your friend and I want you to treat her with the respect she deserves as far as that is concerned and, furthermore, I won't tolerate any gossip. Is that understood?"
"It's not gossip though, Ma'am, is it?" Tosh said. "We all know what's been going on."
"I don't care what you think you know, Tosh, it's not up for discussion. Nothing has changed in this department from the way things were yesterday and I don't expect any disruption to the normal course of police work." She glanced at him, stood as he was at the entrance to his office. "DI Burnside remains in day-to-day operational charge and let's not forget, we're all human at the end of the day." She paused. "Right, that's it, get back to work. Oh Viv, I said that you would give Christina a lift home. She's down in the canteen waiting for you."
Viv glanced at him and then back at Kim. "Right Ma'am."
"Off you go then, I doubt she wants to hang around here for too long today."
"Ma'am."
As the others dispersed, she came to stand in front of him. "Are you all right?"
"I'm surprised you're interested in how I'm feeling, Ma'am," he replied, turning away from her. "The focus has been, quite rightly, on Christina."
"Yes, well I'm not entirely insensitive as to how this has impacted on you, Frank and, as your DCI, I have a duty of care to all my staff." She paused. "My overriding concern, however, has to be the department. I'm sure you understand that."
"Yes Ma'am."
"I know what I saw when I came into my office earlier." He paused, watching as she raised an eyebrow speculatively at him. "You've been given a lifeline, Frank, don't throw it away."
"I'm not sure I know what you mean, Ma'am."
"Christina told the Chief Super the relationship was over. Lying about something like that is only going to get both of you into even deeper trouble because, next time, neither of you are going to be so lucky. Do I make myself clear?"
He met her gaze, reading only too clearly what she was alluding to. She was saying that she knew, but that it had to stop, or there would be consequences. "Yes Ma'am," he replied, the only words he felt he could form at that moment.
"Good. If there are any problems with the others, I want you to let me know. It's not for you to deal with solely on your own and, as I said, I won't tolerate gossip nor bad feeling, particularly if it affects morale overall." Before he could reply, she turned on her heel and left the room.
He knew that he should be grateful for her support, that she would step in if things became unbearable, if he lost the respect he knew he previously had but, at the end of the day, the fact that he might need her to step in at all only made him feel impotent. He'd never needed any assistance keeping his team in line before. There was only one way to deal with matters and that was to carry on.
"Right," he said, heading back out into the main office, all conversation stopping as he did so. "Everyone has got work to do, am I right?" The others exchanged glances. "Well, am I right?"
"Yes Guv," Mike said, after a long moment.
"Good, then I want everyone to get busy. We don't stop just because one of our own takes a bashing, we keep going. Jim, what about those warrants for Dave Finch?"
Jim looked at him, "Well…"
"You told me earlier that you were supposed to be getting them today."
"Yeah, but that was before you told me to go to court."
"Well, you're back now, aren't you? So, get yourself back in gear and get them. I want him raided later this afternoon before he's had the chance to get rid of the gear. Ted, what's happening with that racial case you picked up the other day?"
"The complainer's being uncooperative. He's frightened about giving a statement in case there are reprisals."
"Well, get back down there and talk to him. If he lets them away with it this time, they're only going to do it again and next time it'll probably be a lot worse than just having some paint slung at him."
"Sir."
"Michael, last I heard you and Tosh were looking into those dodgy garages. Did you get anywhere with it?"
Mike glanced at Tosh. "We've been going through the books, Guv, trying to see if we can find any patterns. So far it looks like there's been a fair few ringers that have made their way through at least two of them over the course of the last six months."
"Good, keep chasing it up." He paused as they all looked at him. "So, what are you waiting for, Christmas? Tosh, a word?" Turning back into his office he waited for the other man to join him. "Shut the door."
"Look Guv…"
"No, you look. I don't care how hard done to you feel about what advice you think I should have taken from you; you do not speak to me in the manner that you did earlier again, do you understand?" Tosh looked at him. "I am still your Inspector, regardless of what you might think of me personally. That being said, I'm sorry for what I said about your family. It was uncalled for." He paused, knowing that his tactic could go one of two ways; encourage Tosh to have another go at him or encourage him to let the matter lie.
Tosh paused for a long moment and he could almost see the inner workings of the man's mind. "I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you, Guv, but I still stand by what I said. Chris has been through a lot with that husband of hers and I don't think it was right for…well, for the two of you to do what you did. You're the boss at the end of the day and there's a certain responsibility that comes with that."
"The responsibility not to take advantage?" Tosh shuffled his feet. "I take your point. Can we leave it there?"
"Yes Guv."
"Good."
"Will you answer me one question?"
"What?"
"Is it over? Only Jim seems to think you were together last night."
Last night…in his mind's eye he could see the look on her face, hear his name tripping from her tongue, feel her underneath him and yet, despite that, in the eight months since they had first touched, he'd never felt further away from her than he did at that moment. "Yes Tosh," he heard himself say. "It's over." Tosh looked at him as though he didn't quite believe him but, to his credit, he nodded before turning for the door.
Alone again, he let out a long, slow breath, his eyes straying to the phone, trying to mentally calculate how long it would take Viv to drive Christina home. He'd seen in her eyes how her mind was working, could recognise how she felt, and, despite everything, he had no wish to cause her further torment. Perhaps the most loving thing he could do for her now was walk away.
XXXX
"Everybody hates me, don't they?" Christina asked, watching the scenery fly past the window.
"Don't talk rubbish."
"Well, they all think I'm a slag then."
"That's not true either. The DI's coming out of this much worse than you are."
She felt a dull ache start in her chest at the very thought of how the others might be treating him. "That's hardly fair."
"He's the senior officer, not to mention the fact he's got a certain reputation."
"Viv…"
"Oh, come on Chris, as if the thought never crossed your mind."
"I doubt he's told every woman he's ever slept with that he loves them." She closed her eyes briefly, returning to the previous night when they had been lying in her bed together and he had uttered those very words. In that moment, she had never felt more secure in her feelings for him and yet…
"More fool you for falling for it."
"I thought you understood," she said. "I thought you were my friend."
"I am your friend, but you lied to me! I told you about your dad calling when you were supposed to be in Brighton, and you lied and told me you'd gone to see Stewart's parents. You told me that they'd given you a hard time over the affair, only it was patently obvious at court this morning that that was the first they'd heard about it!" Viv paused. "I could have made things difficult for you over that and I didn't. You asked me to keep it quiet and I did. But now I think I deserve the truth." She glanced over. "You were in Spain, weren't you? You were with him in Spain."
"Yes."
"So, it's still been going on then?"
"On and off."
"What about after Brighton, when you threatened him with the rape allegation? I thought it was all over then."
The memory made her shiver. "We sorted that. Didn't you notice that things got better between us?"
"Yes, but…" Viv shook her head. "Quite frankly, the pair of you are never done going up and down, even before you started sneaking around. For God's sake, only the other week it seemed as though you weren't even on speaking terms."
"We sorted that too."
"Is that how it's going to be then? A secret relationship that no-one's meant to know about, and every time you have a tiff, there's going to be an atmosphere?"
"No," she shook her head, feeling emotion thicken in her throat. "No, it's all over now."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"Why don't I believe you?"
"Believe what you like, it's the truth." Tears sprang into her eyes as she heard herself say the words. It was over. It had to be. There was no other way for either of them to move forwards. Frank could say what he liked about loving her, about hiding being together…it was all too much right now. She couldn't help but think that she needed to be on her own.
"You don't sound very happy about it."
Happy…what sort of word was that to use when it felt as though she was losing the most important thing in her life? And yet, how could she even try to explain to Viv that walking away from Frank hurt more than walking away from Stewart ever had? She might be able to understand a lot, but she would never understand that.
Viv pulled to a stop in front of her flat and turned to look at her. "Do you want me to come in with you?"
"No, I'll be fine. Thanks for the lift."
"The DCI gave us all a talking to earlier, reminded us that this wasn't to become a 'thing' in the department, that we all had to carry on as normal…" Viv shook her head. "You know it's not going to be that easy though, right? You know people are going to be talking about you, regardless of what she says."
"I know.
"If it is over, then you need to distance yourself from him. You can't be his shadow, his number two, the person he takes out on every enquiry…everyone's going to be watching both of you all of the time now, looking to see if they can spot some sort of sign. What I'm trying to say is…"
"I know. I get it."
"Do you?"
"Yes."
"Right then," Viv sat back in her seat. "You reckon you'll be in tomorrow or are you going to take a few days off?"
She shrugged, unsure how she was going to feel inside the next ten minutes, let alone the next few days. "I don't know."
"Well, look, you can call me if you need to, all right? I don't want you sat in there on your own feeling like you've no-one to talk to, especially if you can't talk to him." She put an emphasis on the last phrase.
"Thanks," she unclipped her seatbelt and opened the door. "I appreciate it."
"I meant what I said," Viv said before the door was closed and she turned to make her way up the path.
Inside, the answering machine was blinking, and she turned it on to a barrage of messages from Elizabeth and David, all of which she deleted. It was then that she noticed the phone ringer was switched off and she paused, her hand hovering over it, trying to decide whether or not to switch it back on again. She flicked it and, almost immediately, the phone rang. For a good ten seconds, she stared at it then, taking a deep breath, lifted the receiver.
"Hello?"
"Good, you're home. We need to talk. I'll be there in half an hour."
"No," she replied, casting her gaze around wildly, the very sound of his voice causing her to feel almost a sense of panic. The last place she wanted him to be was there, in her home, the only sanctuary she had left. She needed the last memory of him there to be the one from the previous night. "No, don't come here. I'll meet you in Pride Park."
"Pride Park?"
"Yeah."
"All right, half an hour then."
"See you there." Before he could say anything more, she hung up the phone and let out a long breath. This was the first step towards making things right, for both of them, and she was under no illusions that it was going to be one of the hardest.
XXXX
The sun had come out, bringing the heat with it. By the time he parked on the street next to the park he had already lost his suit jacket and tie, the top two buttons on his shirt pulled undone. He had told the others he was going to see a snout, well aware that, in leaving them, he was opening the floor up to the gossip Kim had told them shouldn't be indulged in. He could feel their eyes on him all of the time, could sense the thoughts in their heads. It should have been water off a duck's back. When had he ever cared what any of them thought about what he did in his private life? Never. But he cared now, he cared more than anything.
At first, when he entered the park, he couldn't see her and he made his way around the pond to the other side, instantly catching sight of her sitting on a bench watching the water. She barely reacted upon seeing him, only a thin smile fleetingly passing across her face as he sat down next to her, making no move to touch her as he might once have done. "Nice day for it at any rate."
"Nice day for what?"
"The start of the rest of your life."
She let out a long breath and looked out over the vista before them. In the distance, a group of young children were playing on the swings, the sound of their laughter floating towards them over the still air. "I'm not sure it feels like that."
"No," he agreed, "maybe not."
"Everybody's talking about us."
"Yes, they are."
"Frank…"
"I know what you're going to say."
She turned to him. "You do?"
"Yeah," he nodded. "You want it to end, you and me. You want to go back to the way things were before anything ever happened between us. DI and WDC. Nothing more."
She looked away, "I'm not sure want is the right word, not when it comes to this."
"Need, then." She said nothing. "It's all right, you know."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I understand. Doesn't mean I have to like it, but I understand."
"The last thing I want to do is hurt you."
"You know me, tough as old boots." The lie came easily somehow. "Besides, I can't help but think I'm the one who's hurt you. There's a lot of truth in what everyone's been saying."
"That you took advantage? That I was vulnerable?"
"Yeah."
"I don't believe that."
"Don't you? You should. I'm your senior officer, your DI, responsible for managing you, evaluating your performance, moulding you professionally, looking out for your welfare. I'm not supposed to fancy you, not supposed to want you, not supposed to touch you…" he shook his head. "I should have kept my thoughts to myself, as well as my hands."
"That goes for both of us then."
"No, no you're not to blame for any of this and I'll have anyone who says that you are. I'm the one who was in the wrong, Chris, I always have been. I've just been too blinded by how I feel about you to recognise it. Too selfish to be able to see the bigger picture. I'm sorry that it's caused you so much heartache." He met her gaze. "I had a feeling last night, you know, when we were in bed together. When we were making love, I couldn't help thinking that it would be the last time."
Her face crumpled suddenly, and she got to her feet, turning away from him, shaking her head.
"Listen to me," he rose and took hold of her arms, twisting her round to face him. "You're free now. Free of him, free to do whatever you want. Free to climb the ladder, free to be your own person. You're not Stewart Church's wife anymore, not that you ever were to me. You're Christina Lewis, young, bright, ambitious…I've never doubted Reid anytime she's said that you've got what it takes. If she's angling to be the first woman Commissioner, there's no reason you couldn't be the second. I mean it," he insisted, as she started to protest. "I'm not just saying that because, well, because I love you."
Her eyes grew red. "I would never have left him if it hadn't been for you. I'd never have felt able to…"
"Yes, you would have, eventually."
"No, I'd still be stuck there feeling as though he was all I ever deserved, never really knowing what it was like to feel something else…I owe you."
"You don't owe me anything. Except a bit of respect every now and again when I tell you what to do." His eyes roamed her face, well aware it was the last time he would be close enough to look at her that way, to count the freckles on the bridge of her nose or admire the deep blue of her eyes. "I'm sorry for everything that's happened, but I don't regret what we've shared."
"Neither do I," she replied, "And I want you to know that I'm not doing this because there's someone else or…"
"I know that."
"It's because…because…"
"You don't have to explain yourself to me. You need to take whatever time you need to get over everything that's happened over the last year. It's more than some people have to cope with in a lifetime."
"I don't expect you to…you know…I mean…just because I can't…"
"Don't you worry about me." He cupped her face with his hands and pressed his forehead gently against hers. There were so many things that he could have said, and yet he found himself capable of saying only one. "You'll always be my favourite."
"Frank…" she started to cry, and he pulled her into him, feeling her body shudder against his own, holding her like he had that night in his office, until she pulled back and pressed her mouth unashamedly against his in a kiss that was as bitter as it was tender and only served to splinter his heart. "I love you," she whispered when they broke apart. "I'll always love you."
He didn't want to move, didn't want to release her from his arms and yet he knew he had to. "Right," he said, finally stepping away from her. "I'd better get back to the factory and you'd better get yourself home, take advantage of the time off while you're getting it. That work in your in-tray won't clear itself. I'll be expecting you in top form when you come back." She said nothing, simply stood staring at him, her cheeks damp with the tracks of her tears. "Isn't that right, WDC Lewis?"
"Yes Guv," she replied, her voice barely carrying.
He turned then and walked away from her, every step a painful reminder of the decision they had made, the decision that he knew would haunt him. He was giving it all up, giving her up because he knew it was the right thing to do, the only thing to do and yet it hurt more than he would ever have thought possible. Climbing back into the car, he gunned the engine and pulled away from the kerb, driving slowly around the perimeter of the park where he could see her, sitting on the bench, her head in her hands, her body shaking with emotion. As he watched her heartbreak, he knew it would be so easy to get back out of the car and go to her. He knew she had doubts, knew he could persuade her in the opposite direction if he really tried. They could go back to her place, go to bed and make love as though nothing had happened. He could hold her, and they could talk about all the ways they were going to hide their relationship from the others, all the ways they were going to find to be together.
But she didn't need that. She needed time on her own to process everything that had happened, to move on from being Stewart Church's wife without the overhanging stigma of being Frank Burnside's bit of stuff.
Loving her meant letting her go.
The CID office was quiet when he got back, the only person there being Viv, who rose from her chair as he walked into his office and followed him.
"All right?"
"Fine," he replied, pulling out his seat and sitting down behind his desk, unwilling to talk to anyone, his grief something that he alone needed to shoulder. "Shouldn't you be working?"
"I've been going through the statements for the assault from the other week. Thought I should get them all done and over to CPS before the weekend."
"Very proactive of you." He looked up at her. "Was there something else?"
She paused for a moment and then shook her head, "No Guv."
"Good, because I've got a backlog of paperwork here that'll probably take me to the weekend to clear. So...shut the door on your way out."
"Guv."
The door clicked behind her, and he lifted the first raft of reports that he had to review, the words dancing on the page in front of his eyes, making no sense. Opening his desk drawer, he pulled out the bottle of scotch he kept there, poured himself a measure and downed it in one. The warm liquid flowed easily to his extremities and, after a second, he looked once more at the type. It started to come together, started to read like a familiar report and, slowly, he felt as though he was coming back to himself.
Life went on.
