AN: Big chapter here. I hope I did it justice.

I'm of several minds about why I wanted to write this:

1) Erica is pregnant and spending time in Wildwind, and I don't see how these feelings and issues could be ignored.

2) This is ultimately Erica's story, and I want to heal her heart in as many ways as I can. She was failed by absolutely everyone during the original storyline, and I wanted to give her the chance for someone to understand her.

3) This conversation and something(s) David said will play a big role in their upcoming Miranda/Babyswap chat. We all know Erica did the same thing and would have in his position, so I'm using seeds planted here to help them through that chat.

Bit of a DE moment at the end, but this still isn't romantic. It's just them being extremely close and feeling things they probably shouldn't.

I would love some feedback.


Chapter 15

The front door motion sensor went off just after 2am. He didn't have to question who was coming in, but he did want to question why.

He'd been worried about her not just because of her morning sickness but because of how distant she'd been over the past few days.

"Erica?" He was at the bottom of the stairs watching her pace the length of the living room. She was wearing a white slip nightgown, with a barely there white robe draped over. "You okay?"

She nodded, back to him. She was okay, wasn't she? Sleep wasn't something she had much of anyway, so being up well into the night meant little."I'm fine," She finally said, her voice soft, almost a whisper.

"You don't look okay. Talk to me." He made his way into the living room and stopped at the foot of the couch.

"I feel terrible most of the time. I never felt like this when I was pregnant with Bianca. I didn't feel like this with my last pregnancy either." She was stopped near the wall, on the opposite side of the room from him.

He watched confused as she stepped just a little to her right. "I stood right here, ready to marry Dimitri, our baby growing inside me...at least that's what I thought."

That's what this was. He should have put it together sooner.

This house.

"You HCG is more than doubling every two days as it's supposed to. You're morning sickness is consistent with gestation. There's no reason to believe that you won't see a strong heartbeat and a healthy baby at the ultrasound next week."

Part of her believed him. Part of her knew this child was meant to be. Another part of her remembered the pain, the heartache, and the ultimate disaster that became her life after her miscarriage.

"I wanted that baby," She choked out through tears. "I thought it was a boy. I really felt like he was meant to be."

"That's how you feel about this child?"

They had been very careful to discuss her reasons for wanting the child. They had gone over and over whether she was ready, and she had never wavered.

Neither had ventured this far ahead, or was it back?

"I'm almost positive this one is a boy. I want him so much, David. And I keep telling myself that he must be meant to be. Or why else would we be here? But I thought that before. I believed it."

He sat down on the couch, quietly thinking through a reply. He couldn't promise her that the pregnancy would go to term. Or that the baby would be born. He couldn't promise her anything.

"I lost that child right here."

He'd expected the words to be choked with tears, soft and sad. But none. Instead, they sounded empty, hallow.

"Dimitri thought we should go on vacation. Put it out of our minds. Our child was gone, and he wanted to run away."

He knew bits and pieces of this period of her life, but this was the first time she had ever opened up to him.

Maybe the first time she had opened up to anyone?

"I didn't know about his affair with Maria at the time or that she might be carrying was his child."

"That baby was Maddie Grey?" He asked despite already knowing the answer. He wanted her to know ho he was there to listen and wasn't judging her.

She nodded and finally turned to face him. "I called her Sonya. She was a gorgeous baby. So mild tempered and happy."

He motioned to the spot next to him on the couch. "Did you always know she was Maddie Grey?"

What he knew of all this he'd read in the news and heard gossiped about in town.

She sighed and looked down at her stomach, at the baby safe inside her. "I cornered Maria in a cabin at Willow Lake and confronted her about sleeping with Dimitri, how the baby might be his."

He watched her body tense, and her eyes squeezed shut. She laid a soft palm against her stomachand forced out the next part. "The stress of it all forced her to go into labor a month early. I helped her deliver the baby."

"You had a wreck taking the baby to the hospital," He half said, half asked, wanting to ease some of her pain.

Had she been offered any support after her miscarriage? Had anyone offered her counseling? Even offered her a shoulder to cry on? Had they all been so worried about her breaking down that they reached out to her?

"She was so small, and we worried because she was premature. The weather was terrible, but Maria was adamant that we got Maddie to the hospital. Take Maddie first, send help to Maria."

He reached for her hand and encouraged her to continue with a soft squeeze.

"I wasn't being wreck less, David. I didn't want any harm to come to Maddie. The weather was too extreme, and I lost control, skidded off the road."

He knew this part for her medical records and knew she left as quickly as she could, presumably to look for Maddie.

"I was fine and left the hospital as quickly as I could. I retraced my steps, desperate to find Maddie." She finally looked at him, eyes wide and filled with tears. "I found her. She was fine. I wanted to take her back to Maria, to Dimitri, and I tried to."

He nodded and squeezed her hand. "But you didn't."

"I heard Dimitri and Maria talking at Wildwind. He said that maybe it was better the baby died." She let out a sob and shook her head, "Can you imagine someone saying that? My baby was gone, and I would have done anything to have him back, and there was Dimitri, thinking a dead baby was better than a living one."

David's eyes slid shut, and he blew out a hard breath in an attempt to temper the anger suddenly washing through him.

All of these people in her life claimed they loved her, cared for her, and not one of them saw that she was falling part. She needed help and support. Where was Joe Martin? Clader?

"I wanted her, David. I knew she wasn't mine. I knew she was theirs, but they didn't want her. I didn't plan it, I swear."

He blew out another breath and scooted closer to her and raised a hand to her face so he could turn her to look at him. "Erica, you had just suffered a miscarriage. Your body, your brain, and your hormones would have been completely unbalanced. Not to mention the emotional and mental anguish you would have been under from losing your child. And to top it all off the trauma of learning about Dimitri and Maria, about Maddie. You were not of a sound mind."

She offered him a small smile and nodded. "I convinced myself she was mine. That I adopted her from Russia. I loved her. I adored her I was a wonderful mother to her. I never wanted to hurt anyone."

She turned away at that and looked down at her lap, to embarrassed to face him.

"Erica, listen to me. Grief and trauma they change a person's brain chemistry. Alter the way you process information, the way you think, blurs the lines between right and wrong. Makes you say things, do things, hurt people you love because you can't bear to be hurt any further, because more pain...it might kill you."

The words fell out hard, and his body shook as he said them. If there was any part of this he could relate to, it was this. It was the grief, the pain, the trauma, driving you to decisions and moments that break hearts and change lives.

She nodded and sniffed back tears. "Thank you, David. No one ever put it like that. No one ever tried to understand. I didn't understand myself, really. They all said I was guilty and that I willingly did those things. Plotted them. I never meant to hurt anyone."

"I can't believe no one fought for you. Where was Joe? Dr. Clader? Where were your friends and family? Why couldn't anyone see you were not yourself? I would have spoken on your behalf if I had been here. I'm so sorry everyone failed you, Erica."

She turned quickly and threw herself into his arms.

He held her tight, letting cry into his neck. Had she been holding this in for twelve years?

"I'm sorry," She said, easing out of his arms.

"Listen to me ramble on in the middle of the night."

He brushed away her tears and smiled softly at her. "I'm sorry I didn't think of the triggers you might have spending time here."

"I think I needed to confront all of this. I just didn't realize how much there was to unpack. I honestly never thought I'd be pregnant again, and so many old feelings would resurface."

"Feel better getting it out?" He asked, and she nodded, offering him a soft smile. "I can't promise that this pregnancy will go to term or that we'll have a healthy baby. But I can promise if the worst happens, I will be here for you. You won't have to go through it alone."

"Thank you," She took his hand and laid his palm against the still flat space between her hips. "I really believe he's meant to be."

"He is," He assured with a smile. "You need more rest than you're getting." He motioned to the stairs, and they stood.

"I don't think I can sleep alone," She said it before they were even at the bottom of their stairs. She looked over her shoulder at him as they ascended the stairs.

Denying her anything had never been his strong suit, and he didn't think this would be any different.

Why should she be alone if his being near would bring her comfort?

He opened the door to his room and stopped to let her in first.

This should feel awkward or wrong. Instead, it felt right.

She watched him pull back the covers so she could slip inside. They'd done this in New York was and it best sleep she's had in months.

He climbed in beside her and turned to face her. "Get some rest, okay?"

She nodded, shifting her body so she was curled in next to him. Her forehead just touching his shoulder.

It was easy to remember how many times over the course of their relationship, fallen asleep just like this.

What she was only just beginning to remember was how comfortable she was. How her body relaxed and her eyes fluttered almost instantly.

Had she always felt like this with him? And why wasn't she running from it?

TBC