Chapter 12
Shelby turns her head to look at her daughter yet again. Rachel is silently looking out the car window. Yero is resting his head on her lap and she's petting him. She hasn't spoken a word since they picked her up. Shelby can see her daughter's anguish and her heart goes out to her. She doesn't push. Not now, in the car. When they're home, she'll give her kid a little time to adjust. If Rachel doesn't come to her soon, she'll push her to let it all out. When Kurt had called, his voice shaking and somber, she'd instantly been on alert. As she listened to him explain the situation, her heart had gone out to all of them. She could see both sides. But she also knows that if Dr. McCann had said she needed to cut back or rest more, she would have been informed and Rachel would have listened. That had her leaning more on Rachel's side. But with Kurt saying some of them were becoming too stressed, she knew it'd be best if Rachel came home for a little while. She has no intention of keeping Rachel home unwillingly for any length of time. If Rachel wants to go back to New York in a couple days and Shelby believes she's physically up for it, she'll take her there herself. She sighs and turns back around. Scott squeezes her hand. She knew it'd be hard for Rachel to come back, but seeing her this upset is painful for the mother. Her baby's heart is broken, her spirit crushed. That much is obvious.
As soon as they're home, Rachel releases Yero from his vest and heads upstairs. She's still not speaking or touching them. Scott gives Shelby an uncertain look before following with her bags. Shelby hesitates but follows as well. She wants to give her the space she clearly needs, but she also needs to check in on her. Scott sets the suitcases down and steps towards Rachel. Rachel steps back. Scott freezes, his face understanding, then leaves. He squeezes Shelby's arm as he passes. Rachel sits on the edge of her bed, looking down at her clasped hands.
"I know this is hard." The only reaction she gets is a tightening around Rachel's lips. "I can tell you don't want to talk. Or be hugged. But as soon as you decide you do, please come to me. For now, I'll leave you be. I know you're not, but I'm glad to have you home. I love you, baby girl."
A small nod. Shelby nods back, not that Rachel sees it, and leaves. Her daughter has been like this before, but not often. This is how she can get when she's extremely depressed. Downstairs, Scott is standing with his arms folded across his chest. He raises an eyebrow to her.
Emotions getting the best of her but not wanting to risk Rachel overhearing, she whisper yells to Scott. She juts her finger up the stairs. "This is what I wanted to avoid! This is exactly what I didn't want to happen!"
"She just needs time." Scott whispers back.
Shelby tiredly rubs her face. "I'm afraid that what she really needs she was forced to leave behind in New York."
He frowns. "What's that?"
"Hope. And the unconditional support of her friends."
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The moment he's through the front door, Finn books it up the stairs. He ignores the calls from the others and runs into Rachel's room.
"What the hell, Finnocence? Ever heard of knocking?" Santana snarls at him.
He ignores her, instead heading straight to Rachel's nightstand. On the surface is her alarm clock, lamp, and tissues. Nothing else.
"Finn?" Gentler now.
He opens the top drawer and riffles through the contents. Lotion, a spare charger, a nail file, and other odds and ends. There's a few pieces of jewelry but nothing special. Nothing important to her. Bottom drawer doesn't have any jewelry at all. It mostly held her meds, which she took with her. He moves to her dresser. Jewelry is scattered across the top. He goes through each piece carefully, not wanting to risk overlooking it.
"What's going on?"
"I can't remember if she was wearing her promise ring or not this morning."
He keeps searching. The jewelry box that she keeps her nicer jewelry in is gone. Packed and home with her. He lets out a breath. Then a horrible thought hits him. What if she left it on his nightstand for him to find? He jogs to his room, heart in his throat. No ring on his nightstand, pillow, or dresser. He sinks onto his bed, his breathing shaky. It's not here. So wherever the ring is, she has it in her possession. He hopes she was wearing it and he just didn't notice it. As long as she has it with her, he feels better about their current status. He runs a hand through his hair, then over his unshaven jaw. Feeling calmer, he flops back on his bed.
She has it with her. She kept it close.
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Worn out from the emotional days and all the travel, it didn't take Rachel long to fall asleep. Shelby went up to check on her about an hour after bringing her home only to find her on top of the comforter, still full dressed, fast asleep. She'd removed her socks and shoes, then gotten a blanket from the linen closet and laid it over the girl. She'd spent a few minutes sitting on the edge of the bed, gently stroking her kid's cheek and hair. Finally, she'd kissed her temple and left her to her rest. That's why she's here, after all. Her friends think she needs more rest than she was getting in New York.
The next morning, Rachel showers before coming downstairs in lounge clothes. She didn't look much happier than she had the day before, but she walked up to Shelby and initiated a hug. Shelby held her daughter tight, only letting go when Rachel stepped back.
"Eat. Then we'll talk."
After breakfast, mother and daughter curled on the couch and Rachel spilled everything. She started by stating the facts, then she ranted and vented out. Shelby's heart aches for all of them; Rachel and the others. She sighs.
"I'm sorry, baby girl. That's a tough situation."
"Who do you think is right?"
"I think—" She needs to tread carefully while still being honest. "I think I can see both sides. You're clearly not as unwell as Kurt implied."
"Thank you!" Rachel throws her hands up in celebration of this validation, though she doesn't seem much happier than before. Shelby understands.
"So I completely understand your frustration. They took things too far. But they did it out of love."
"I know that. But my dad said he left me alone out of love. So…..doing something because you love someone only works if its what's actually best for them. That wasn't and this isn't."
"You think. There's nothing wrong with taking a break and getting some extra rest, especially when you're sick." Rachel looks away. Shelby gently turns her chin until their eyes meet again. "I also see their side of things, honey. You're an overachiever, a perfectionist, a dreamer, and a hell of a hard worker. You set high goals and you work towards them. You don't let anything or anyone get in your way. While that's generally a good thing, it's not the best way to face life when you're dealing with the challenges that you face. You need to ease off and back down. Slow down. And I know that's hard for you. You're very driven. I think your friends were worried that that drive would—"
"Drive me into the ground?" Rachel asks bitterly.
Shelby swallows and nods. "Yeah."
"I don't push myself past my limits."
"I know. But you also don't rest when you don't think you need it. And you dive back into your usual life as fast as possible. Sometimes too fast. It's okay to slow down and rest."
"But I—"
"Rachel. Listen to me. You can enjoy a slower paced, calmer life and still have a fulfilling life. You can still do what you want and enjoy your life. Resting doesn't mean your life stops. Resting doesn't mean being bedridden or staying home and never leaving. It just means you take it easy."
Rachel thinks that over. "Maybe. But they were only as stressed as they were because they were overdoing it. They needed to back off a little."
"And you needed to slow down a little."
"A little! Not so much that I leave my university and everyone and go home." She snaps.
"Then why did you agree to it?" Shelby asks curiously.
"For them." Rachel's eyes well up. "I don't want to be the cause of their stress. They should be enjoying their lives, not freaking out over taking care of me. And I knew that even though they were starting to understand they were wrong, they'd still be worried and stressed if I stayed. So I left for them. To give them a break. From me."
Shelby rocks her while she cries. When she calms down, she sits back up.
"It just sucks because I knew I could handle anything because they were there supporting me. So when they stopped supporting me, I fell apart."
Shelby brushes her hair back softly. "Well, maybe it's time for you to learn that you can handle anything on your own two feet. And the support from us is just extra, making things a little easier."
"You make it a lot easier to handle, Mom."
Her heart swells. "I'm glad."
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While Shelby knows Rachel is really thinking about her words and her friend's motivations, she wasn't surprised that the girl still spent the next couple days hiding away from everyone. Her daughter is clearly depressed. Shelby had hoped she'd be a little more pleased to be home, but isn't going to let it hurt her feelings. Rachel should be in New York, not here. Shelby will never pass up an opportunity to spend time with her little girl, though. She invited Burt over. Rachel was hesitant, worried he'd take Kurt and Finn's side in this. The very wise man didn't focus on it at all and simply hugged the girl and spent time catching up with her. Shelby knows they talk on the phone, but it's so much better talking in person. Rachel's university had responded to her email, stating they understood. They made it clear that they may have to revisit their conditions of her acceptance, something that brought Rachel back to tears and deeper into depression. And anger and resentment. But they also said they'd try to have her complete as much work as she can while on her little break and possibly make up other work and classes over the summer. Rachel is fine with that. Shelby is less pleased. She'd hoped to spend the summer vacationing with her husband and daughter.
They don't have a set date for when Rachel will return. At this point, it's mostly up to Rachel. The girl wants to go back immediately, but she really does want to give her friends more time away from her. Shelby also knows that Rachel isn't ready to go back to them taking care of her yet. She's been ignoring messages and calls from her friends. Blaine has tried to come by, but Rachel refused any visitors. Shelby hated sending the poor boy away, but will go along with Rachel's self imposed exile for now.
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Rachel was reluctant to leave the house. So far she has only left twice a day to walk Yero. She doesn't talk to anyone or stay out long. Otherwise, she has spent most of her time alone in her room. Her mother insisted they go out so that Rachel could get a massage. She'd insisted it was a good way for Rachel to start relaxing and letting go of her stress. Even though she loves massages, Rachel just wants to lie in bed and listen to music and nap. She hasn't even been in the mood to sing. She feels she expressed herself well enough with the last couple songs she sang. She's not ready to expose her soul by singing again so soon.
When Emily calls her back, as usual her mom follows and sits in a chair outside the room. For a moment, she imagines getting a couples massage with Finn. Then they'd both be getting massages and she wouldn't be alone. It'd be less like she was being babysat and more like a couple going to a spa. She shakes it away and strips down before climbing on the table. Emily reenters the room and makes sure she's comfortable before pulling down the sheet to expose her back.
"I'll go gently around the bruises." She says softly.
Rachel sighs. "I know you will. You're good at that."
Emily gets some oil on her hands and begins working her magic. For some reason, as the woman works to release the tension from her muscles, Rachel can't relax. She can't let go and just enjoy it like she usually does.
"Wow. You're really tense, Rachel."
Rachel gives a soft "yeah". It's only a couple minutes later that she realizes this isn't going to work.
"Emily?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm sorry, but….can you stop?"
"Of course! Is something wrong?"
Her eyes burn. She blinks to keep the tears at bay. "No, I just…..I just can't do this today. I'm sorry."
Emily rests a warm hand on her back. "Don't apologize. If this isn't helping you relax, then I should absolutely stop. I'll step out and let you get dressed, okay?"
"Okay."
Emily steps out and less than a minute later, her mother enters. The woman hands her articles of clothing and watches her silently, her concern obvious. Back in the car, her mom questions her on it.
"What happened?"
"It just…..I don't know. I didn't want to be there."
Her mom begins driving them home, brow furrowed. After a couple minutes, she speaks softly. "You can't spend all day in bed, either."
"I thought I was supposed to be resting."
Her mother ignores the jab. "I'm setting up an appointment with Renee. I think you need it."
Rachel doesn't argue. There'd be no point.
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Gasping, Rachel sits up in bed. Yero lifts his head from his place on the floor to watch her. After a moment, he lies back down. Rachel takes in shuddering breaths and tries to collect herself. She runs her hands through her sweaty hair and blows out a heavy breath. Her eyes drift to her phone and all the unread messages from her friends. A couple tears spill over. Losing them hurts. It's been a week. Seven days without seeing them or talking to them. She's even ignored Blaine's messages, though she feels a bit bad about that. He wasn't part of this. But since he's dating Kurt, she figures he'd take his side. She picks up the phone only to instantly put it back down. No. Don't give in. Rachel walks to her bay window and sits with a blanket wrapped around her. Rain lightly patters on the window. Sitting like this and staring out at the dark sky makes her think of when Finn came to talk to her after her meltdown when she found out she had Danton's again. That was the conversation where she admitted she'd contemplated suicide. No, not suicide. Euthanasia. She hadn't wanted to die then and she doesn't now. She just wants to live.
Her session with Renee was unproductive and she knows it was her own fault. Every time she tried to talk, the words got stuck in her throat. Whenever the woman tried to press the matter, it made Rachel tense up more. They'd scheduled another appointment for in a few days. She's back to this. Nothing changes. It's an endless, vicious cycle. This can't be the extent of her life. It can't. Her mind goes back to her nightmare. The result is a desperate urge to make a phone call. She's trying to ignore it, but the feeling is getting stronger and stronger. Shaking, she grabs her phone.
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The ringing of his phone jars him from his sleep. Only half awake, he quickly grabs it off his nightstand. His new phone. He'd had to replace his old one after he broke it.
"Hello?" He rubs his eyes.
"Hi, Finn."
For a moment, he forgets to breathe. He's wide awake. "Rachel?"
"I'm sorry for waking you."
"I'm not. What's going on? Not that—not that you need a reason to call me."
"I had a nightmare."
"Wanna tell me about it?" He glances at Sam, relieved he's still asleep. He doesn't want to share this moment with anyone else. He makes himself comfortable, happy to spend all night talking to his girl.
"I turned into my father." Her voice wobbles.
"Well that's impossible." He's quick to assure her.
"Is it? I slapped you when I was angry and hurt. I lashed out and hurt you. And I didn't even apologize."
Finn is completely confused. "What are you talking about? You've never slapped me. I think that was part of your nightmare, babe."
"I did!" She cries. "I slapped your hand!"
That's when it comes back to him. When she'd called for the family meeting to address their overprotectiveness and they'd basically sent her away, she'd gotten upset. He'd reached for her and she slapped his hand away. A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth.
"That? Rach, you're seriously upset about that?"
"Yes!"
Figuring she wouldn't be too pleased with him for chuckling at her distress, he swallows it down. "I forgive you. I'd completely forgotten about it."
"Are you sure? I feel really bad. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have hit you and I should have apologized sooner."
"Yeah, I'm sure." He promises. "It stung for a second, then faded and I completely forgot about it. It didn't upset me."
The sniffling on the other line tugs at his heart. "Okay." He hates how small her voice is.
"I swear its okay. I'm not upset with you. And this doesn't make you your father."
"It's the kind of thing he'd do."
His heart sinks. "I'm sorry. But one little slap on the hand between two eighteen year-olds is not the same thing as a father beating his ten year old child."
"But—"
"No. You are too kind hearted, too gentle, too loving, and too good to become him. And babe, it's a minor point, but you weren't drunk."
There's a sharp gasp on the other line. He presses the phone harder to his ear and listens closely. He's fairly certain it's a mild attack. After about a minute, she's breathing normally again.
"Thanks, Finn." She says softly.
"Are you alright? I mean with your nightmare and that attack."
"Yeah."
He doesn't want to stop talking to her. "So…..how are you? We haven't heard from you in a long while. It's kind of been radio silence since you left. Not that—not that we blame you, but we miss you. We miss talking to you."
"I'm fine. Thanks, Finn. I'll let you go back to sleep now."
"Wait!" Something occurs to him and his heart starts thudding. He's careful not to grip his new phone too tight. "Your promise ring."
"What about it?"
"I….." He's not sure how to phrase this. He needs to know, but he doesn't want to risk upsetting her or starting a tough conversation. "I…."
Rachel sighs heavily, but answers in a knowing tone. "I never take it off. Remember?"
Something in his chest uncoils and he breathes a little easier than he has all week. "Right. Thanks. I love you."
"I love you, too."
He's still grinning when the line goes dead.
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She hadn't been ready to expose herself just yet. But she'd needed to apologize to him. And while her heart stings a bit, she feels better for having spoken with him. That's all she can manage, though. She's not ready to initiate contact again. Even with people here, whom she's not upset with, she doesn't talk with. Not as much as she used to. When her mom and Scott are busy at work, either Uncle Burt, Carole, Aunt Kelly, Uncle Andy, or one of her grandparents stay with her. It's nice to get to visit with them. She hates to say it, but the brevity of their visits is sometimes her favorite parts. She loves them. All of them. But she's still hurting from the NY fiasco. That seems to be affecting all of her relationships now. She talks less, goes out less (by her choice), and doesn't initiate anything. Renee is working with her on it. Her therapist says she's trying to protect her heart. People she loves very much hurt her very deeply and it has left her vulnerable, like a gaping wound. That explains why her heart keeps aching. And why she keeps falling into dark funks. She hates admitting it, but she is depressed. Her mom and Scott do their best to pull her out of it, but they're not entirely successful. Worried she'll start stressing them out too much, Rachel is trying to do better at at least acting happier. She knows her mom can see right through it, but she's working on it. She doesn't want to be so much trouble for everyone.
Her mom talked to her about Finn coming to visit this weekend. She said no. She's not ready yet and Finn needs to respect her boundaries. Her mom wasn't happy about it and she's sure Finn wasn't either, but no one gave her a hard time about it. She still hasn't even read the messages from the others yet. They send her texts every day. She opens them just so that the red bubble with the number of unread texts goes away, but she doesn't actually read them. She's not ready and she's annoyed that they haven't grasped that yet. She does her work for her classes, but doesn't do much else. She keeps repeating that she's "resting". And as annoying as it is to admit, she does feel a little better. Nothing drastic, but she feels like she has bit more energy. She's a little less tired by the end of the day. Okay, maybe more than a little less. They may have had a point about needing to rest more. The fact that they could have just said that instead of that they think it'd be best if she went back to Ohio is frustrating. She probably would have argued a bit, but she also knows she would have given in and rested more. They didn't give her that chance. They were just eager to get her out. Not all of them, but half. They didn't treat her like a responsible adult. They treated her like a child who doesn't know how to take care of themselves. On top of hurting her, it was insulting.
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"I'll get you some water." Her mom pats her arm.
Rachel tugs the blanket up more and eyes the bags dangling above her. About half way. A headache has started pounding behind her eyes. She closes them now and gently presses her fingers to them. The seat beside hers squeaks as it takes someone's weight.
"That was fast."
"Actually, it's long overdue." Rachel's eyes snap open. Blaine is smiling softly at her. "Hi."
Not sure how to feel, she responds with a soft "hi" of her own.
"I understood why you didn't want me to visit you at first. But it's been over a week. You're my best friend."
Blaine wasn't part of her banishment, but she's still reluctant to connect with him. Her words fail. Blaine's face slowly falls.
"You're not gonna talk to me at all?"
Her mom interrupts with her return.
"Oh! Hi, Blaine."
"Hi, Mrs. Matthews."
Rachel eyes her mother before sighing. "Nice job acting surprised even though you planned this."
Her mom gives her a slight smile before sobering. "Sorry, honey. But I'm worried about you. You don't talk much and only leave the house when I force you to. You won't even sing."
She kisses Rachel's cheek and squeezes Blaine's shoulder. "I'll be at the cafe if you need me."
They sit in silence for several long minutes. Blaine gently takes her hand. She doesn't stop him. "Please. Please talk to me." He sighs. "It's not just your mom. Everyone in New York is worried about you. You're not talking to any of them, so the only way they know how you're doing is through your mom. And all she'll tell them is that you're fine. Nothing else. But I'm not here to be their emissary. I'm here for me. I mean, for you. Just me, here for you. Not them. I'm here because I'm worried about you. And I've missed you."
Even though it scares her, she knows that before she can risk leaning into him she needs to know where he stands.
"Do you agree with them?"
Blaine's face becomes a little guarded and her stomach sinks. "Only half."
"Half?"
He nods, his perfectly gelled hair not moving one millimeter. "Yeah. I get why they were worried and why they wanted you to rest. And I support that. On the other hand, I don't think they handled it well. They should have just sat down and talked it over with you. Which is why I understand how upset you are. What I don't understand is how you could possibly think they were giving up on you."
Rachel looks away. "They…..they sent me away. They didn't want to help me anymore. Or couldn't anymore. I became too stressful for them. They gave up on me."
"That's not…I really don't think that's it. Kurt's called me every day to talk about this. He cries every time. He hasn't said anything at all that makes me think for even a second that he was giving up on you. Or that he was tired of helping you fight it. He was just scared, panicked, and didn't communicate that well. Instead, he jumped to a major decision without your input. And he really regrets it."
"I thought you said you weren't their emissary."
"You're right. I'm not. I'm sorry. I just don't want you to keep feeling like they gave up on you. They were wrong. They messed up. But from a place of love."
"So you agree they were wrong? That they went overboard and overreacted?"
"Yeah. I really do."
She squeezes his hand, unable to verbalize her gratitude for his support. For the rest of her treatment, Blaine tells her about high school, the musical, and the members of the New Directions.
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"Enough is enough."
Rachel looks over at the door where her mother is standing with her hands on her hips and a smile on her face.
"What?"
"You came home to rest. Granted, it wasn't exactly your choice, but you did it. And you've been resting. In fact, I'd like you to do a little less resting."
She looks down. She still doesn't feel like doing anything. She does her homework and now she talks to Blaine. While she doesn't initiate the contact, she does respond to him (after she made him swear he wouldn't report back to Kurt or any of the others).
"You just need the right incentive."
Her eyes follow her mother warily as the woman enters the room and opens Rachel's closet. She pulls out a suitcase and smaller bag. Her stomach twists. While she'd love to get back to her classes, she's not ready to face the others yet.
"I'm—"
"Easy, baby girl. I'm not talking about going back to New York. I'm talking about vacation."
"But you have work."
"I took off. So did Scott. And I only had to take off a couple days, since Carmel's spring break is early this year. It'll be like I'm taking an extended spring break."
"Where are we going?"
"Italy and maybe France for a day or two. Not Paris. I know you want to sit at a cafe near the Eiffel Tower with Kurt. That's a bucket list item and I won't take that from either of you."
Rachel thinks it over. On the one hand, it sounds wonderful. On the other hand, she's not sure she's up to it. Emotionally or physically.
"This isn't optional, so stop thinking about whether or not you want to go. We're going. I got Dr. Reed to give the okay."
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Italy was beautiful. A change of scenery did help snap her out of her funk, thankfully. She relaxed and focused on enjoying her time here. For five days they're touring this beautiful country. And the food is amazing, of course. They did an easy bike ride through Tuscany that they all absolutely loved. They stopped frequently to rest, but also to take pictures and explore. Other than when a mild attack struck or she got dizzy or had a headache, she was just another tourist. Like everyone else. And none of her symptoms were particularly bad on this trip. Rachel let her guard down a bit and enjoyed herself. Scott tried to say that it was largely being out in the fresh air that helped her feel better both physically and emotionally. She's not sure she completely agrees but does see some merit in it. It also makes her think of just how wrong her friends were to keep her in the house when she wasn't in class. They didn't let her out to get fresh air. Hell, Santana and Brittany took over her laundry. At first she hadn't minded giving up that errand. However, it wasn't long before she started feeling powerless and smothered. She shook those thoughts away and focused on enjoying her vacation.
Rome was amazing for the history of it. Seeing the remains of the colosseum was mind blowing. Getting to take a nighttime tour of the catacombs was fun. Scott scaring the crap out of her and her mother down there was less fun in the moment, but their shrieks made everyone else on their tour laugh heartily. Even just walking down the streets gave them a glimpse of its history. The poor cab driver who didn't speak a word of English freaked out when she had a moderate attack in the back of his cab. Her mom focused on holding her and urging her to breathe while Scott did his best to express that they just needed to return to the hotel so she could rest. He failed. The guy took them to a hospital where a nurse who spoke a little English was willing to act as translator. The nurse checked her vitals, then spoke to the cab driver. Grudgingly, the cabbie drove them back to the hotel. Scott tipped him generously for his troubles.
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Kurt frowns at his stepbrother as he passes his room. Finn is not faring well in New York without Rachel. It shouldn't be surprising but it is disheartening. The guy seems depressed and lost. Finn just isn't happy. He broke his phone, punched a hole in the wall (that they've already repaired), and mostly spends his nights moping. It's so funny to think of tiny Rachel as Finn's anchor, but she really is. Just as Finn is hers. He wishes he knew how Rachel was doing. It's been almost a month without her. They didn't expect her to stay in Ohio this long. They thought a week or two, not a month. The lack of contact hurts all of them, but Kurt and Finn most of all. At least Finn got a phone call. Even if it was because of a nightmare and her guilt over slapping his hand, it was still a call. He got to talk to her. No one else has. Not even through text messages.
He grabs the mail and brings it inside, flipping through it as he walks. There's an envelope with a foreign address for him. Intrigued, he drops the rest of the mail on the coffee table and opens it. There's only one thing inside; a picture. His heart leaps into his throat and tears sting his eyes. It's a picture of Rachel. His sister. She's wearing a cute outfit and sitting at an outdoor table. She's holding a mug up to her lips and looking at the photographer. The scene behind her is of a cute little cobblestone street. There are older looking buildings, a man wearing an apron selling flowers at a cart behind her, and people walking or biking around. To Rachel's right there's an opening between two buildings where you can make out some sort of farm or vineyard on a distant hill. It's a lovely picture; both the girl and the scenery. She looks good. Her eyes aren't as happy or lively as they used to be, but she looks good. Not as pale or as thin. His tears spill over and he smiles. Flipping it over reveals a note scrawled on the back.
Rachel Berry
Tuscany, Italy
2013
She's doing well. You can all relax. — Aunt Shelby
His smile widens and he flips the photo back over, letting his eyes drink in every detail. She's doing well. As much as he misses her, that's all that really matters to him.
"Hey, you okay?" Sam asks. They've all had a rough time of it, so it's not unheard of for one of them to breakdown in tears or lash out in anger.
"Yeah. I'm good. Aunt Shelby took Rachel to Italy and sent me a picture."
"Oh sweet! Lemme see!" He steps closer and Kurt shows him the picture. Kurt watches as Sam's expression goes from curious to soft. "She looks good." He says softly.
"Yeah, she does."
"Who does?"
"Rachel."
"What?" Brittany hurries over and looks at the photo. She immediately tears up even as she smiles. "San! Come look!"
Santana, who was busy making dinner, enters the living room looking curious. "What's more important than my empanadas?"
"Rachel is."
Immediately, the Latina's face softens. "She looks good. But still sad."
"She looks like us." Kurt points out. "Doing well, but not exactly happy."
"We need each other." Brittany nods. "Not having Rachie here is like not having one of my arms." Her eyes widen and she gasps. "Do you have any idea how hard it would be to dance with one arm?"
Santana grins, but the boys roll their eyes. Puck and Finn are quickly called down from their rooms to see the picture. Finn stares at it intensely, almost like he's trying to make it come alive. Puck grins at it.
"See? We were right. My Jew babe looks good!"
Distracted and still staring at the photo, Finn counters him. "Maybe. Or maybe she would have been better no matter what. Like if we'd just promised to back off like she'd wanted. Or if we'd gotten her to agree to slow down a little."
"No. She needed rest."
"How much rest is she getting if she's vacationing in Italy?" Kurt points out.
"Her mom wouldn't let her do too much." Brittany says.
"And that's what we should have done. Let her live, but…..explain that we thought she was working herself too hard." Finn frowns.
"Well we didn't and she's gone, but she's doing fine and she'll be back soon." Santana argues.
"It's been two weeks." Kurt responds. He still can't believe his sister actually stayed away this long.
"And your spring break is coming up. At this point, I'm betting she won't be back until after that." Santana admits. "Now hang that photo on the fridge, Hummel."
Kurt's head jerks around to her. "What?"
"Hang it on the refrigerator so we can all see it." She repeats like he's a small child.
"I—I was gonna frame it and put it on my nightstand."
"It's not just for you." Finn argues.
"Uh, yeah, it is. It was sent to me."
"But the message on the back is to all of us." Brittany says, pointing to it.
"It was sent to me!" Kurt says hotly, taking the picture back from the tall blonde. "It's mine!"
"It's all of ours!" The girl snaps, reaching for it.
Kurt is quick to press it to his chest.
"You can't keep it to yourself." Sam argues.
Finn chimes in. "She's my girl!"
Kurt whirls on him. "Then why didn't Aunt Shelby send it to you?"
"We all love her, we should all get to see the picture whenever we want!"
"Just hang it on the damn fridge, Kurt!"
They're all reaching for it. Kurt is twisting around, desperately pressing his hands to his chest to protect the picture at all costs. Tugging his arms from his chest doesn't work. Trying to slip the picture from under his hands doesn't work. Kurt holds firm, not letting up. The girls start tickling him. He shrieks and giggles, twisting to avoid them while not releasing the photo. Finn, Puck, and Sam wrestle Kurt to the ground and try to pry his arms from his chest.
"Let it go!"
"No!"
"Let go!"
"Never!" He never should have let Rachel leave. He never should have let her go and he never will again. In the meantime, he won't let her picture go.
"Uh, guys?" All four boys pause and look over at Santana, who is holding up five more identical envelopes. "We all got one."
"Oh."
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Everyone's picture is different. The friends sit around looking at the photos and recreating Rachel's vacation. The picture of Rachel dancing in the ruins of the coliseum went to Brittany. Sitting in a boat in Venice went to Sam. Standing next to skeletons in the catacombs went to Puck. Standing on an old bridge in the moonlight went to Santana. Walking in a vineyard in the sunlight went to Finn. Everyone agreed on two things: she looks good, but she doesn't look particularly happy. Her smiles don't fully reach her eyes. But she's smiling and doing well.
Finn swallows hard while looking at his picture. He remembers her comment of wanting to make love in a cherry blossom orchard. Seeing her, looking lovely, and walking through a vineyard makes him think of the orchard they'd been in when she'd made that comment. And her passing out right after. He wants her. As badly as she wants him. He knows she wants him and is ready. So is he. Except….she's sick. She could get an attack, or dizzy, or bleed, or pass out. He doesn't want one of her symptoms to ruin their first time. Not for himself, but for her. She'd feel horrible if that happened. He thinks it'd be better if they wait until she's in remission to finally have sex. Just to be safe. Then again, just being safe is what made her think they gave up on her and broke her heart. His thumb lightly strokes her cheek in the picture. He needs to make this up to her. He needs to see her. He needs to talk to her. He needs to hold her in his arms.
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It's good to be home. Being home is comforting and she's even started singing again. Nothing too deep or emotional, though. She sings to practice or for fun. Singing with her mom is fun and Scott is always a willing audience. Rachel is even starting to go out more. Especially since it's starting to warm up. It's still not warm, per say, but warmer than it'd been. She hopes spring comes soon. Thinking of that makes her think of spring break. It starts soon. She wonders who from New York will return to Ohio for it and who won't. Even though it's been weeks, she's still not ready to actually see any of them. Not really. She misses them, but it almost feels like the ache of losing someone forever. The vacation was nice. They mostly stayed in Italy, but did briefly stop over in France. The vacation helped her shake off some of her depression. Now that she's home, she's antsy to get back to NYADA. She'd go back now, but with spring break starting, it seems pointless. She already emailed her professors to announce her return after spring break. Two of her professors who are staying local offered to let her come on campus and make up some of her work and assessments so she won't fall too far behind. But that still leaves more than a week of break where she'll either be here and risk her friends coming to visit, or she'll have to head back to NY early and return to them. She's not ready. She's still hurting. However, she knows she can't avoid them forever. She doesn't even want to. She loves them and misses them and wants them in her life. She also doesn't want them in charge of her life or becoming stressed out from helping her. Renee has been helping her work through it. Vacation helped. Getting away and out of her head helped. Rachel thinks of what else she could do to help her shake off the last of her depression and be ready to resume her friendships. An idea tickles her brain and she excitedly heads towards the stairs to talk to her mom. After only three steps she stops, realizing her mom would never go for it and her shoulders slump. But maybe someone else… Rachel grabs her phone.
"Y'ello?"
"Hi Uncle Burt."
"Hey, princess. How's it going?"
Rachel smiles. It's been nice getting to spend more time with him. "Good. I have a question. And possibly a favor to ask of you."
"Shoot."
"How scared are you of my mom?"
She probably shouldn't have phrased it quite like that. She can literally hear his breath stop, then resume. "How sc—Rachel, are you planning on asking me to do something that would upset your mother?"
No point denying it. "Um…..yeah?"
"No."
"But you didn't even—"
"No, Rachel. If she'd say no, I'd say no."
She groans and mumbles out a "fine". On the other line, she can hear the muffled sounds of cars being worked on. Feeling a little bad that she interrupted his work with a stupid question, she opens her mouth to apologize and end the call. Instead, he sighs.
"Just out of curiosity, what was your request?"
"I need…" She bites her lip, uncertain how to phrase it. "Look, the vacation was great. It helped shake things up a bit and shake off…" She hates talking about being depressed. "….off the gloom. But it wasn't enough. I need something that'll…..jolt me."
"Jolt you?"
"Yeah, jolt me out of this funk and….wake me up."
Speaking in a commanding yet incredulous tone, Uncle Burt speaks up with an immediate response of "I'm not electrocuting you, Rachel!"
"What?! No! That's not what I meant!"
"Good. I know electroshock therapy is used with some success with patients with depression, but I'm not—"
"No, Uncle Burt. That's not—" She pinches the bridge of her nose. Seriously? "I just meant I need to do something that'll give me a jolt. Do something physical that'll jolt me out of this."
"Well, for you, that sounds like singing. And that's your mom's area of expertise, not mine. So you're not thinking about singing?"
"No. I need to do something that'll make me feel alive."
"A bunch of times you've said singing makes you feel alive."
"I know. But not right now. I was thinking of doing something I've never done before."
"Such as?"
"Bungee jumping?" She asks in a slight stammer.
There's silence for a full 30 seconds. "I…I think I get it, Rach. But I'm not sure. With your symptoms, there's a lot that could go wrong. Let me think on it, alright?"
"Alright."
They say their goodbyes. While she feels better for voicing what she wants to do (and something that's on her bucket list), she assumes it won't happen. They want to help her, but there are limits. Perhaps part of the problem is that her limits don't line up with theirs and she's not sure whose limits are more reasonable; hers or theirs. Rachel heads upstairs, figuring she'll take Yero for a walk before dinner.
"Hey, honey. Finished singing for the day?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna take Yero for a walk."
"Good idea. He's been jumping all over the place for the past half hour." Her mom frowns slightly at her. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just…I asked Uncle Burt for a favor that I don't think he'll be wiling to fulfill."
Her mom gets up off the couch and comes closer. "No, I mean you're more pale now than you were earlier today."
"Oh. Well, I did just—"
She turns to point towards the basement. That small motion was like flipping a switch. Beneath her, the floor suddenly slides as though the carpet has become a treadmill and she can't tell up from down. Her mom is at her side in a second and wraps her arms around her.
"Ra—wake—Ra—girl—chel—up—"
Rachel blinks open her eyes. She's on the floor. Her mother is sitting and holding her. She blinks again and looks up. Now her mom looks a little pale. Groggily, she wonders if she herself is even more pale now. Her mom smiles in relief and strokes her cheek.
"You okay now?"
She unsticks her tongue from the roof of her mouth to speak. "Still a little dizzy and…disoriented, I guess. Off balance."
"Okay. We'll sit here for as long as you need."
That's the scene that Scott comes home to. Rachel is feeling more awake, but still a little disoriented. Her stepfather helps her up and to the recliner. Her mom places a blanket on her, tucking her in. While her parents prepare dinner and she rests, Rachel considers her symptoms. She really has been feeling better this past month. She hates acknowledging it because she's still sure they were wrong, but the rest has been good for her. She'll still argue she didn't need this much rest or to come back to Ohio for it, but she is feeling a little stronger. Not at the moment, but these things happen. Bad moments in good days. And she has had many good days lately. Her symptoms still come, but less severely than they've been.
They still overreacted and she'll take that belief to the grave.
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Kurt heads to the gym. He'd noticed Finn going more often and figured it's a good coping mechanism. He also noticed that his stepbrother has been doing better lately. He's less angry and less depressed. Granted, he's still upset and missing his girl, but he went from handling her absence horribly to pretty well. Kurt wants to know his secret. He's still upset. He still feels they were right that she needed to rest more and slow down, but he acknowledges that perhaps she didn't have to go home to do that. It's too late now. What's done is done and all he can do is hope she forgives him and returns soon. Until then, he wants to handle it better. So he's following his brother's footsteps and hitting the gym. Inside, he spots Finn lifting weights on a bench. He heads over. Finn smiles at him and sets his free weight down.
"Hey. Here to do some reps?"
"Uh….yeah. I guess." When Finn raises an eyebrow to him, Kurt rambles. "Okay, so I don't really wanna work out. I just….I just wanna feel better about everything and you've been coming to the gym a lot and I figured it was helping you feel better so I'd give it a try."
Finn indicates that he should sit beside him. "Yeah. Working out helps. It's a good distraction, it feels good, and it makes me stronger. It helps me clear my mind, you know? And, it helped me come to a realization about all this."
"And what's that?"
Finn stares at him for a moment before standing. "I'll explain later. Right now, you're gonna help me lift."
"I am?"
"You are." He leads him over to a bench press and starts stacking weights on the ends. Seeing how much weight is on there makes Kurt's eyebrows shoot up. Holy shit his brother is strong. "This is the most I can handle. It's really hard and sometimes I shake and can't hold it long, but I can do it. You're gonna help."
Finn lays on the bench and grips the bar above him. He directs Kurt on where to stand and how to hold the bar.
"Alright. I'm gonna lift it, then you lift as much as you can. Take as much of the weight off me as you can."
He pushes the bar up above him and Kurt uses his own muscles to hold it, trying to keep some of the weight off of Finn. "Like this?"
"Yeah, that's perfect." He grunts out. "Hold it as long as you can. Let go as soon as you're too tired to keep holding it up."
Kurt can already feel sweat beading on his forehead and back. His arms begin to shake and his breaths are becoming more strained. It's starting to hurt. It's too much. His muscles burn. He's not sure how long he's been helping Finn hold the weight up, but he can't do it for a second longer. Since Finn had given him permission to let go, he does. He releases the bar and Finn just barely manages to stop it from crushing his chest. Kurt's heart shoots up into his throat.
"Oh God! I'm so sorry! Are you okay?!"
Finn's arms are shaking, face red and scrunched up, and he doesn't respond. He puffs out breaths as he slowly pushes the bar back up and onto the holder. He's sweaty and breathing hard when he sits up. Kurt waits anxiously, worried he hurt him somehow.
"I'm fine. I told you to let go when you got too tired." He sucks down water from his bottle. "Does that answer your question? About my realization?"
"What?! No!" Kurt is more confused than ever. "How could that have helped me understand what happened with Rachel?"
Finn sighs. "Kurt…..Rachel was diagnosed with aplastic anemia at 14."
"I remember. I was there." Kurt answers shortly, not seeing any connection and getting frustrated by it.
"That's a heavy weight for anyone to carry, but especially a kid."
"Yeah, but we helped her."
"Exactly my point." Finn agrees, his voice becoming more passionate. "Rachel is strong, but she never had to carry that weight on her own. She could have, she's certainly strong enough to, but she never had to. She always had people around her who love her to help out. We lifted some of that weight off her, making it easier to handle. And we did it again after she relapsed. We've been helping her carry that weight."
The dots are starting to connect. "So….you're using the actual weights as a metaphor."
"Yeah. I'm taking a page from her book."
"She is the queen of metaphors." Kurt agrees, then smiles slightly. "It makes sense it'd rub off on you."
"I think it's a good way to think of it. Rachel has been carrying this heavy weight for a long time. But she's always had us to help her hold it up. You got tired just helping me hold that bar up, right?"
Kurt sees where this is going and is now reluctant to admit to it. There's no way to deny it, though. "Yeah. I did."
"Helping Rachel carry that weight is tiring. We've had a lot of people helping. It was never one person, so the weight was like dis—uh…dis—" His face scrunches up.
"Distributed?" He doesn't bother masking his unimpressed tone. Kurt doesn't find Finn's poor vocabulary as endearing as Rachel does.
"Yeah. The weight was distributed among all of us. Then we moved here and less people were helping out. That put a little more strain on us, but not much. And then….then I think she's right that we all sort of panicked. We were right that she needed to rest more, but we also didn't have to overreact like we did. She was right about that, too. You have to think of it like this: we went from trying to help her hold the weight up so it wouldn't be quite so hard for her to carry, to trying to lift it off of her completely. We became too overbearing. We held that bar up over her head and left her feet dangling so she couldn't do anything. She could handle the weight she had, so having it taken away was insulting to her. And it wore us out. It was bad for everyone involved."
Kurt can feel heat creeping up his face. Finn's right. "We had good intentions."
"We did. But that doesn't make what we did right."
"But she got so upset! She thought we were abandoning her when really we were just trying to help her!" Kurt vents, not for the first time.
Finn's face becomes somber. "Kurt…think about it. She never had to get used to carrying the full weight of being sick because we always helped her through it. Then we helped too much and lifted the bar too high. And then, we got tired of holding it up that high and dropped it on her."
Kurt's stomach plummets. "She—"
"She went from practically no weight to all of it in a split second. She had no way to prepare herself to catch it like I did a couple minutes ago. And since she never had to carry the full weight by herself before, suddenly having it all slam down on her hurt. It makes sense that she felt abandoned and like we gave up on her. We crushed her."
Kurt's eyes well up with tears and he stammers. "But we didn't give up on her! We passed the weight off to her parents!"
"We did. But it wasn't exactly a smooth hand off. How do you think it felt to her?"
He really does think about it and feels like a piece of shit. "Oh, God. The suddenness of feeling like she had to carry it herself—"
"Yeah." Finn mutters darkly.
Something occurs to Kurt and his heart twists. "Do you think…..do you think she's avoiding us because she doesn't trust us to help her carry that weight anymore?"
Finn shrugs. "Probably. We'll have to convince her otherwise."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The Spring Musical. Grease. Rachel has been helping Blaine practice his lines and his songs since she started talking to him. Performances start tomorrow, run through the weekend, then another round of performances the following weekend. The final weekend is just before McKinley's spring break and in the middle of NYADA's. So Rachel is going to the opening night. Both to support her best friend and to make sure she's not seeing it when Kurt and the others probably will. They'd all been planning on coming to see it. She doesn't want to confront them yet, but does want to support Blaine and the other seniors. Opening day, Rachel sent each of her senior friends a flower and a note of good luck. Each responded with a text message thanking her. That night, she brought more flowers to give them after the show. She and her parents are wearing masks. They don't wear them often, but in a packed auditorium, there's a lot of possibility for germs to spread and no one wants to risk Rachel getting sick. She's only gotten sick a few times this second diagnosis and never so sick that she needed to go to the hospital. They'd like to keep it that way. Her friends were amazing and she made sure to tell them that. They hugged her and thanked her.
Blaine, of course, blew them all out of the water and Rachel made a point of telling him that. His eyes welled up while he hugged her and he choked out a thank you. On top of helping Blaine with his Grease performance, Rachel has been helping him prepare for his own NYADA audition. It's still a long ways away, but he's nervous and she completely understands. And, assuming nothing bad happens, she'll be back in New York when it's closer to his audition. She promises to help him through FaceTime, but for now it's great to practice in person. Rachel even suggested that Blaine ask her mom to help him. She'd chuckled when his eyes had widened. Of course her mother happily agreed and Blaine was over the moon, hugging them both tight.
Her New York based friends could be arriving any day. They could already be here, for all she knows. She'll be back in New York in about a week, so she only has to worry about avoiding them this week. She runs. Weirdly, Carmel's spring break was early. That's why her mom was able to take off for a long vacation; their vacation began just before her spring break started. Now, though, her break is over and Rachel can't be alone. Instead of the stream of family members coming to her, Rachel asks her mom and grandparents if she can just go stay with them. Her mother reluctantly agrees. Her grandparents eagerly agree. Rachel is able to run and hide from her friends without being obvious or going out of her way to do it. She just has to go to Columbus.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Finn is shaking lightly. He's never been so nervous and he has no idea what sort of reception he's about to receive. He rings the doorbell. And waits. And waits. Frowning, he rings it again. When there's no response, not even barking from Yero, he peers through the windows. It's dark. He sighs, shoulders slumping, and retreats to his car. Halfway there, he halts. No. He gave up on her once, he won't do it again. Finn turns back around and sits on one of the chairs on the porch. He will wait until they come home. After an hour, he gets up to pace. His legs were falling asleep. It's getting dark when a car finally pulls into the driveway. It's Scott. The man stops the car and gets out, heading towards him.
"Hey, Finn. How's it going?"
"Alright, I guess." Not caring how unmanly is sounds, he adds on "I miss Rachel."
Scott nods. "Yeah. She misses you, too. She's still upset, though."
"I figured. I haven't heard from her in a long time." And it's been killing him. "That's why I need to talk to her. I need to explain again why—"
"Finn," Scott sighs "she knows. She does. But sometimes the truth hurts."
"Please. I just need to talk to her." He's desperate.
The older man shakes his head. "I'm really sorry. She's not here."
"Where is she?" Scott hesitates, clearly uncertain if he should divulge this information or not. Finn gives a gentle nudge. "Please."
"She's staying with her grandparents in Columbus."
Finn's heart falls. "For how long?"
"'Til the end of the week."
His hope slips away. "Oh."
"Hey, come inside with me for a moment, would ya?"
"Sure."
He follows Scott inside. "Shelby is not too happy about Rachel not being around and has been baking up a storm. Do me a favor and take some of these muffins home to your parents? I can't keep eating them, but I don't want to hurt Shel's feelings, you know?"
Finn smiles slightly. "Yeah, sure."
Scott smiles. "Great!" He grabs a sticky note and pen out of a nearby drawer and jots something down. "I'll just go grab a container to put them in. There should be some in the pantry, just give me a sec."
"Sure."
Scott places the sticky note on the counter and walks into the pantry. Finn glances down at it. On it is an address. Finn frowns. Why would he—The city listed is Columbus. His heart races. Scott exits the pantry holding a plastic container.
"Found one!" He stops, seeing the look on Finn's face. "It's always a good idea to search for what you need instead of waiting for it to find you."
Slowly, a smile creeps across Finn's lips. "Seriously?"
Scott looks at him meaningfully and quietly asks "Do you love her?"
Finn snatches the note and bolts for the door. Behind him, he can hear Scott shouting.
"Hey! I was serious about the muffins!" This is followed by the louder and far more frantic cry of "I can't eat all these!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"That's not how it goes!" Ollie complains.
Rachel shrugs. "Tough, kiddo. The mighty velociraptor is taking a nap."
"We're supposed to battle." Dylan grumps.
"After Veloci's nap."
The two little boys snap their heads in her direction with matching expressions of horror. Dylan expresses his outrage in way that tells her he's giving her a second chance to correct her grievous error.
"Veloci? Did you just called the vicious predator known as the velociraptor, Veloci?!"
"Yup."
Ollie sucks in a deep breath. "GRANDPA!"
Rachel smirks over at their grandfather, who is reading his newspaper on the nearby couch. "Rachel, stop antagonizing your cousins. If you want to take a nap, just say so. But if you're going to play with them, actually play." He says this sternly, but with a small smile.
"I don't know how to play dinosaurs!" She argues. This is the same argument she makes every time Oliver asks her to play this with him. She sighs and turns to the little boy. "Can the dinosaurs put on a musical?"
Oliver opens his mouth, clearly prepared to argue, then stops. "What would they sing?"
Dylan looks very reluctant, but also curious. They both love it when she sings. Rachel grins. For the next half an hour, they play the Singing Fighting Dinosaurs. For some bizarre reason, the boys love it. It amuses Rachel and their grandparents. Yero joins the fun, howling along with their singing and trying to bite the dinosaurs as they battle. They play for a while before Rachel really does start to feel tired. It's been a long day. She'd had a mild attack on the stairs and Nana caught her. They'd sat on the stairs until it passed, then Nana made her sit a little longer just to be safe. Grandpa took her to the gun range to refresh her skills. Afterwards, Nana had taken her to the mall for some new clothes. Now she's hanging out with her younger cousins while their parents are out with friends. Rachel lays down on the floor and watches the boys switch to a dinosaurs versus superheroes battle. She's not napping, but she is resting and she'll probably beg off to bed early tonight. The doorbell rings.
"I'll get it!" She calls, getting up. She pulls the front door open. "Hel—." Her voice suddenly fails her.
Finn gives her a hopeful smile. "Hi."
Her heart swells and twists all at once. She hasn't seen him in over a month. Part of her wants to throw herself at him, hold him tight, kiss him fiercely, and demand that he never let her go again. Another part of her wants to slam the door in his face and go back to playing with her cousins. Or better yet, curl up in bed and cry. Which is why she surprises herself by being able to speak calmly.
"What are you doing here?"
The tall young man shifts his weight on his feet and moves his hands awkwardly. "I—I know you wanted space, but it's been over a month. I need to see you. I need to talk to you."
She wants to agree. She wants to fall into his arms, have a long overdue conversation, make out with him, and have everything go back to normal. A small but sharp ache hits her heart, scaring her off. She steps back.
"I—I—"
"Please, Rach." Her heart tugs at his pleading tone.
"We'll talk." His hopeful smile returns. "Soon."
His face falls. "But—"
"I love you and I miss you, but I'm not sure I'm ready t—"
Before she can process what's happening, Finn steps towards her and has his hands on her waist. She gasps when he lifts her and tosses her over his shoulder.
"Finn! Put me down!"
"No. We need to talk. You're not gonna keep avoiding me." He steps into the house and calls out to the other occupants. "Hello?!"
Rachel can't see any of them from her position over his shoulder, but hears feet hurry in. Yero starts prancing around them, seeming to think it a fun game. Or maybe he's just happy to see Finn again.
"Hello? Oh, Finn! What a pleasant surprise, dear." Nana says.
"What exactly is going on?" Her grandfather's voice is more guarded.
"Rachel and I need to talk. I'm gonna take her somewhere close but private. I'll have her back before dark. I promise."
Rachel presses her hands against the small of his back, trying to take some pressure off where his shoulder is pressing into her. Her heart thuds, waiting for her grandparent's response.
"Well…alright then."
And then a little voice pipes up. "Bring her back safe, got it?"
Rachel cranes her neck around Finn's side and catches a glimpse of Dylan standing with his arms crossed, glaring at Finn. Oliver holds up the velociraptor in a threatening manner.
"Yeah. Bring her back safe!" He adds, trying to lower his voice to a growl.
"I will. I promise." Finn swears solemnly.
He gives a short whistle to call to Yero, who instantly follows them. He carries her out of the house and sets her down beside his car. She doesn't run. Her heart is fluttering like wild, thrilled to be so close to him but nervous about how this will go. She climbs into the passenger seat silently and buckles up. Finn closes the door for her then opens the back door to let Yero hop in before getting behind the wheel. He's doesn't drive them far; he pulls into a mostly empty parking lot and lets the car idle. As the sun begins to set, the air is cooling down. Since she gets cold easily, she's glad he keeps the car running and heat on low. They sit in silence for several minutes, each looking out the windshield. Finn taps his fingers on the steering wheel in a repetitive fashion.
"I've missed you."
They turn to one another is surprise and a small smile forms on both of their faces. They'd said it at the same time. Finn clears his throat.
"You've missed me, but you never answered my texts and only called me once. You didn't let me visit and you didn't come back." Rachel swallows hard and looks down. Finn sighs. "But I know we really hurt you."
"You did. I understand why. With enough time and space, I was able to see your side of things."
"For the record, I wasn't feeling stressed or strained from taking care of you. I was just worried."
"I know. You said as much."
"Right. Do you know how much you hurt me by cutting me off like that? I figured it'd be for a couple days, maybe a week. Not a month. That was cold."
"I wasn't the one who separated us to begin with!" She snaps at him.
"I know, but it wasn't my intention to be separated that long! And with no contact!" He snaps back at her.
She turns away and huffs. From the corner of her eye she sees his expression and understands that she really did hurt him, too. She turns back to him.
"I'm sorry, Finn. I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was trying to give you the space I thought you wanted."
He nods. They lapse into silence once again, both too afraid to speak their mind. She hates how awkward this is. They're walking on eggshells. That's never been their relationship before. Ever. They've always been comfortable speaking their minds to one another. They've always trusted one another enough to do that. Realizing that has changed makes her eyes sting. She blinks rapidly. That helps the sting in her eyes, but does nothing to help the sting in her heart.
Finn turns to her. "I know you want to talk as much as I do, so let's really talk."
"How are you so sure?" She's honestly curious.
"You didn't tell your grandparents that you didn't want to go with me. You could have said you didn't want to go and they would have sent me on my way. You stayed silent. You could have gone back inside after I put you down, but you didn't. You could have slapped me or shut the door in my face when you first answered the door, but you didn't. You want this. You want to talk, but you're scared. I get it. I want you to trust me again."
"I-I do. I—"
"You don't." He denies softly. "I get it. And I'll do whatever I have to do to earn back your trust. I'll never let you go again. Or I'll go with you. I can't go a month without you. It was really hard."
"It was. I'm sorry, Finn. I was just…..angry and hurting. And afraid."
"I don't want you to be afraid. Yell at me. Hit me. Curse me out. Just…..don't walk away from me again. Don't keep me at a distance. Please."
Rachel takes his hand and interlocks their fingers. Finn brushes a finger against her promise ring. It makes her smile slightly. "I won't. I do trust you, I just needed time."
He knows her too well. "You're still a little scared. That I won't support you again, I mean."
"Not scared. Wary. I don't want you to ever feel stressed or strained from helping me fight this. I don't want you to resent me or get tired of me. I know I'm a lot to deal with."
He nods, the corners of his mouth tugging upwards. "You're extremely dramatic at times. A little arrogant at times. A little self centered at times. A little demanding at times. But all of that is just part of who you are. I love every part of you. You're not too much. You're you and I love you. All of you. Being sick won't last forever. It's being away from you that's hard and stressful."
Rachel thinks over how she has felt this past month while keeping Finn's words in mind. "I get it. I think…..as upset as I was about leaving, I think I was just as upset about staying away. I wanted to give you all time without me, so you guys could recover from the strain of taking care of me. I think staying away this long and not talking to anyone made it feel worse."
"Then why did you?"
"Partially to really give you guys a decent break. Partially because I needed a break from the overprotectiveness. But mostly because I was hurt. I felt betrayed and tossed aside. I felt like you guys gave up on me. Mostly the others, but sort of you, too. It took a couple weeks and many sessions with Renee to understand that's not what was happening. But that doesn't change how it felt, you know?"
"Yeah, I think I do. How'd you get past it?"
She gives him a bitter smile. "I'm not sure I entirely have, to be honest. I still think you guys were wrong to send me away. However, this break helped. It gave me a chance to rest, which I hadn't even realized I'd needed. But it also gave me a chance to…..to learn how to handle this better on my own."
"What do you mean? Your mom—"
"Oh, she's been taking care of me and always will. But she knows I'm eighteen and growing up and I was annoyed with how overprotective you guys became. She and I both used this time to learn how to let me do more on my own. I can take care of myself. Sometimes I truly need help, but not always. It's nice to have a little assistance once in a while. But it's not needed."
"You were learning to hold up your own weight." He mutters quietly.
"What?"
"Nothing. Just a talk I had with Kurt. I'll explain later." He gives her a long look. "So you're coming back to New York?"
"I am. I was never planning on staying away permanently."
"And you're moving back into the house with us? Santana said you made a comment about maybe not returning."
"I—" She thinks over the conversations she's had with her mother on this very topic. "Yes. I will return to the house."
"And when you do, you want us to know you can take care of yourself and only sometimes need help."
"Yes." He bites his lip. She waits, but he doesn't continue talking. She prods him. "Say it. Whatever it is. We've never held back before."
"Will you still listen if we say we think you need something? Like to rest or make an appointment or something?"
"I'll listen and we can discuss it like mature adults."
Finn releases a breath. "Okay. That sounds good." He squeezes her hand. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I gave up on you."
No longer able to restrain herself, she leans over and brushes her lips against his before pulling back slightly. "It hurt. But I know you just wanted me to rest. I was upset that you were sending me away to do it. You put distances between us first."
"I did. I'm sorry."
"And I was so mad at you and so hurt that I couldn't talk to you about it. I briefly thought you agreed because it'd be better for you, not for me. But then I really thought about it and talked to my mom and Renee, and I thought about how hard it must have been for you, too. You love me so much you were willing to endure the pain of not being together for a while for my benefit."
Finn's brow is furrowed. "Then why didn't you answer any of my texts?"
"It was a fairly recent epiphany." She admits. "And no matter the reason, you still sent me away. It still hurt."
"I was wrong to send you away and I swear I never will again." He vows. "And if you have to go away, I'll go with you."
"My anchor."
She's surprised when his eyes fill with tears at that. This time it's him who leans forward to initiate a kiss. Her heart flutters for a second time this evening. They keep their make out session tame, knowing they're not quite ready to jump back into their usual physical intimacy. Not yet, at least. She pulls back first and they smile at one another, relieved to have reconnected.
"Do you wanna go somewhere for ice cream or milkshakes or something?" He offers hopefully.
She shakes her head. "Not tonight. Can you take me back?" Not wanting him to think she doesn't want to spend more time with him, she offers an explanation. "I'm pretty tired. It's been a long day. And you promised my family you'd have me home by dark."
"Right. Okay. I'll take you to your grandparents before heading home."
Rachel frowns at him. "You're not planning on driving back tonight, are you?"
"It's only an hour." he shrugs.
"No. Stay the night. Please? I'd worry about you driving home late. And I-I really don't want to be separated so soon. If that's okay with you."
Finn takes her hand again. "It's more than okay."
When they return, her little cousins eye Finn seriously before giving him an approving nod. It amuses the teens. Her grandparents happily agree to him staying the night and promise to make up the couch for him since the boys are staying in the attic room. Rachel is disappointed, having hoped they'd get to share a bed. Not wanting to upset her grandparents, she doesn't voice this. Neither does Finn, despite his own obvious disappointment. He walks into the room she's staying in to say goodnight.
"Goodnight." He sits on the edge of the bed and kisses her gently. "Thanks for not slamming the door in my face."
She grins. "Thanks for kidnapping me." He chuckles and starts to stand. She pulls him back down. "Seriously. Thank you for not giving up on me and forcing me to talk even when I didn't think I was ready. We needed this."
"Always." He kisses her again.
For the first time in a long time, Rachel Berry and Finn Hudson go to sleep with light hearts and smiles on their faces.
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