Chapter 13
Over a late breakfast the next morning (Rachel struggled to wake up and Finn wanted to wait for her), they talked about their plans for the rest of break. Rachel tells Finn that she can make up some missed work with a couple professors over the last couple days of break. Finn admits he was only going to work some more in his stepfather's shop, but doesn't have any other plans. His main goal over break was to talk to Rachel. They share a smile at that, knowing that they'd both needed that talk. Again, Rachel swears not to ignore him in the future. No matter how she feels, she'll talk to him about it. Finn promises again not to send her away from him. He'll never let her go again.
Rachel tells Finn and her grandparents about her wish to go bungee jumping. They all know it's on her bucket list, but didn't realize she wanted to do it so soon. They all figured she'd wait until she is in remission again. Rachel argues that she feels better than she has in months and that she needs the feeling of doing something extreme to snap out of her negative thoughts. Having Finn by her side and having reconnected with him makes her feel incredible, but there's still the issue of her relationship with the others to contend with. And she's still a little depressed over it. She needs to do something different, something wild, something that'll make her really feel alive. Finn is all for it, but expresses his worry over something happening because of her health. Having an attack while hanging from a bungee would be terrible. Possibly life threatening. Rachel comes up with the idea of waiting until after her next attack. They agree to that, but Finn points out that it could be a while. She groaned and tried to come up with an alternative, but failed. They gave her sympathetic looks. She shook that away.
It didn't take much for Finn to convince her to come back to Lima with him. She was going to stay with her grandparents until the end of the week, then her mom was coming to get her. But this way, she'll have someone to spend time with while her parents are at work. She says goodbye to her grandparents, hugging them tight. She really will miss them. Once again, it'll probably be months before she sees them again. On the ride home, Finn tries to convince her to talk to Kurt. She explains that she is really hurt that her brother was the main force behind her unexpected return to Ohio. Finn backs off. They spend the rest of the drive singing along to the radio and having a good time. She'll be returning to New York in a couple days to meet up with a few professors who will help her catch up. In the meantime, she has nothing planned. Finn grins and says he has no problem coming up with stuff for them to do.
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She knows who it is before she even opens the door. She debates not opening it, but figures that'd be rude. Kurt is glaring at her with his arms crossed.
"You'll see Finn and talk to him, but not me?! I'm your brother!" He snaps.
"And he's my future husband." She rolls her eyes and heads back to the living room.
Irritated, Kurt follows her. "And I'm your brother! I've known you longer and we're family!"
She whirls on him. "So how do you think it felt when my family, my own brother, was the first to send me away when things got tough?!"
He steps back, his face falling. His brown eyes well up with tears. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Rachel."
She ignores him and sits down, going back to the book she'd been reading. She has only been home for about an hour. Finn brought them back to town, but they didn't immediately go home. Not only did they want to spend more time together, but no one was at her house. While they're all working on letting her take care of herself more, she still can't be completely alone. They went to a park to walk and talk some more, really catching up. Yero really enjoyed that. She's relieved they're able to move forward now. They had lunch at a diner, then he took her home. She'd sent a text to her mom early in the day letting her know she was coming home, which is why she wasn't surprised when her mom came home from work early. Now, her mom is upstairs getting changed into casual clothes. She figured Kurt would be coming over soon, but she wasn't expecting it to be quite this soon.
Kurt follows. "Rachel…Tink…..please. I've missed you."
"Whose idea was it? Yours or Santana's?" She asks without looking up.
"Why does that matter?" At her shrug, he sighs. "It was hers. But I agreed."
"Obviously." She snarks.
Kurt takes an audible breath. He sits beside her on the couch and takes the book out of her hand. "Please talk to me. Or at least let me explain."
She finally looks at him and sees the emotion in his face. "I know the explanation, Kurt. I understood it the day I left. I didn't agree with it, but I understood it."
"And now?"
"I still don't agree with it. Yeah, the rest was good. Maybe even needed. But I didn't have to come back here for it."
"You also didn't have to stay away so long." He adds softly.
"I wasn't ready to face you." He looks down. "I'm still not sure I am."
"Can you forgive me?"
Rachel groans, already tired of this discussion. "Forgive you? For loving me so much that you wanted what's best for me? Yes. For taking over my life as though I couldn't make smart decisions? No. For wanting me to rest? Yes. For sending me away? No. For becoming stressed from taking care of me? Yes." She rolls her lips between her teeth for a moment while debating whether to add the final part. Deciding it needs to be said, she goes on. "For making me feel like you didn't want to deal with me anymore and were giving up on me? No."
Kurt's lips are quivering. He clears his throat. "Ever?"
"I'm sure I'll forgive you eventually. Just…not yet. I love Santana and consider her family. But you are my family and always have been. You've been a main support from day one. For you to let someone else convince you that sending me away alone was best really hurt. And I thought you knew me well enough that I wouldn't jeopardize my future by pushing myself too hard. I thought we were close enough that you could just come and talk to me about this. Have we lost that closeness?" Her heart pangs.
"No!" Kurt instantly denies, two tears dripping down his cheeks. "No, we haven't. Ha-have we?"
He looks so horrified by the thought that it calms some of her fears that they're slipping apart. Kurt is one of the most important people to her in the world. She doesn't ever want to lose their closeness. If he's as upset as she is at the thought of them not being as close as they used to be, then she has hope that they can repair this.
"Why couldn't you have just talked to me?" She asks, her voice shaking. "You could have told me you were getting stressed. Hell, you could have told me to rest more. Instead you started forcing me to rest against my will without any sort of explanation."
"You needed an explanation? Rachel, you had a severe attack and your heart stopped. You cut yourself shaving and lost a shit ton of blood. You blacked out without fully passing out. You were struggling to get out of bed most mornings. Those were the explanation."
"But that wasn't every day! The severe attack and blood loss were one time things."
"And we were terrified they'd happen again!"
"I didn't need to be babied! I didn't need—"
"Enough." Both teens turn to look over at Rachel's mom. She's coming down the stairs with a frown. When she stands before them, she sighs. "You're both too emotional right now. You do need to talk this out, but not now. Now, it'll just keep reverting back to a shouting match. You're both too stubborn." She shakes her head. "Kurt, go home."
"But—"
"Go home. Give her space. You didn't exactly ask permission to come. You pushed your way in, just like you pushed her away."
"I didn't—"
"You didn't mean to, but you did. Go home. Both of you need to cool down. Hug, because you both need it. Then give each other a little space."
Relief fills Rachel. Kurt looks less pleased, but does as told. They stand and hug each other tight. Despite everything going on between them, there's been no doubt that they love one another. As relieved as Rachel is that her mom is making him leave, she's just as relieved to hug him tight for a moment. They part without a word. Kurt shuts the door softly behind him. Rachel's eyes fill with tears.
"Why is this so hard?"
Her mom wraps an arm around her sympathetically. "Because you're both right."
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Finn wanted to return to New York early with her. Knowing how much he prefers Ohio, she convinced him to stay a few more days and work in Uncle Burt's shop. He enjoys that. He'd been hesitant, not wanting them to be in different states again so soon, but kissed her goodbye with the promise of seeing her in a few days. He also made her promise to talk to him on the phone every day. Her heart swelled. Her mom took her back to New York. The rest of her friends were staying in Ohio until the end of break. Rachel regrets not getting to see Mike, Quinn, or Mercedes this break. Their other friends have been monopolizing their time and Rachel is holding off speaking to them as long as possible. Rachel, Yero, and her mom have full run of the house. It's weird being there without them. She wonders if it was weird for them to be here without her.
She works with her professors and catches up on what she missed. With only one student to teach, their lessons go much faster. They can go at her pace, which now that she has fully rested, is quite fast. They're pleased with how quickly she picks things up and how hard she works. At the end of the week, they assure her she is all caught up in their classes. That takes two weights off her shoulders. First, it means she won't be behind and can follow along without struggling. Second, it means the school board probably won't give her a hard time about her long absence. She only has two other classes she didn't catch up in, but she's not too worried. For dance class she'll either get Brody to help her catch up or work with Cassie over the summer. She'll ask Madam Tibideaux about how to make up her missed classes with her once term begins. The woman reached out and told her not to worry about it right now, so she's not.
The weekend before classes start up again, she knows the others will be returning. While only Finn, Kurt, and Brittany are actually on spring break, Sam's classes had their own spring break. it was shorter than the others, but did overlap and let him go home with them in the second week of their break. Santana and Noah took off of work to go home. Now, they'll all be returning. Her mom takes her out into the city to help settle her nerves. They catch a matinee and have a fun day out. When they return, it's to a full house. Rachel accepts the hugs and smiles at them, but knows it's a tight lipped smile. She won't drop her guard until she has said her piece to them. She doesn't say a word while they hug her, which they don't seem to notice as they chatter excitedly, happy she's back.
"I've missed you so much!" Brittany exclaims, bouncing on her toes.
Rachel nods.
"Yeah, we weren't expecting you to stay away so long." Noah points out.
Rachel looks to her mom. They've discussed how to handle this. Her mom nods and leaves the room, heading upstairs to give the kids space. She's grateful for Finn's hand on her back offering silent support. However, she needs to appear strong while talking to them. She steps away and indicates that they all need to sit. It's so reminiscent of the night she'd sat them all down to discuss how overbearing they were being that she has to swallow down a sudden wave of panic. That night had not gone well. It had completely spiraled out of her control. She can't let that happen again.
"I understand why you felt I needed to go home. I understand you felt I needed more rest. I understand that some of you were getting stressed taking care of me. I don't understand why you couldn't have just talked to me about slowing down and resting instead of forcing me to leave against my will. I am not a little kid who can't take care of herself. I'm the same age as you and more responsible than some of you. I'm sick, but I'm not an invalid. I can live my life. I'm fine with slowing down when it's needed. I'll listen and discuss it with you if you bring it up. But you are not responsible for me. Not anymore."
"What do you mean? Wait, is your mom staying here? To take care of you?" Santana asks.
"No. She is not. Because she knows that I don't need it." She looks at each of them in turn. She refuses to get emotional, other than a little anger slipping out. She is merely stating facts tonight. "She'll be heading back to Ohio tomorrow, leaving me under my own care. When I need help, I will either ask for it or it will be very obvious and you can step in. Otherwise, you will back off. You are not responsible for me any longer."
"But we're happy to—"
"This is not up for debate. I'm telling you how it is going to be. Obviously I'll still need help with some things. But not constantly. Not as much as you were giving before. If you become overbearing again, I will find a way to tell you. Politely."
"And if we think you need something? Like rest?" Finn asks. He knows the answer to this, but is obviously asking it for the good of the group.
"I'll listen and we'll discuss it. If we disagree, we'll let either Dr. McCann or my mother be the deciding vote. Understood?" Her friends don't look very happy. They share uncertain looks. Rachel realizes she's going to have to press for an answer. "Understood?"
Unenthusiastically, they all nod and mumble their agreement. She accepts it.
"We get it, Rach." Finn smiles at her. "We'll back off."
She feels a flood of warmth. She is so grateful for his support. "This is good for all of us. We can go back to being friends."
"Family." Brittany corrects her firmly.
Rachel smiles slightly and gives a nod. "Family."
"But…." Sam is frowning hard "…..but family takes care of one another."
"Of one another. It goes both ways. We live together, we hang out, we take care of each other. You are not my caretakers anymore. We can take care of each other. Okay?"
He seems pleased with that. "Yeah, okay."
"Rach, I don't want to start another argument, but you need more care than we do." Kurt points out gently.
Rachel has to work to keep her jaw unclenched. "That's true. I do. But most of it I can handle myself. So let me. I'll speak up if I need help. If I can't speak up but it's obvious, then yeah, please step in and help me. We're in this together, but in the end this is my battle. So let me fight."
"We'll be your sword and shield and camouflage." Kurt responds with a wobbly smile.
She smiles back. "And I'll be yours. Now, as happy as I am to be back, I've had a long day and I'm tired. I'm going to bed. I'll see you all in the morning."
A chorus of "good night"s isn't the only thing that follows her up the stairs. Rachel can tell from the footsteps behind her that Finn will be joining her. Good. At the top of the stairs, he ushers her into his room. They fall into one another without a word. Knowing they're in a full house and that Rachel is tired, they don't make out for long. But it's just long enough to give one another a warm greeting.
Finn presses his forehead to hers. "We're home."
"I am now."
Being in his arms is the most comfortable home she knows.
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Her mother went home the next day. It was the calmest departure they've had. Mother and daughter hugged and said their "I love you"'s with warm smiles and zero tears or sadness. They're completely used to this now and both feel better about being separated for long chunks of time. They've learned they can both handle it. Wanting her last day of spring break to be calm and relaxing, Rachel chose to stay home and just chill. She also didn't want to talk to anyone other than Finn, so she stayed in her room for the most part. That doesn't mean she ignored them; she'd respond if they spoke to her, but she did not initiate any conversation herself. She and Finn laid on his bed, face to face, legs entwined, hands gently caressing one another, as they talked more. They'd had very important and good conversations the day he'd come to her grandparent's house and the day after, but they still need to talk it out a little more to make sure they fully understand one another. So that's what they do. Face to face and feeling connected physically and emotionally, they talk about everything. What their time apart had been like, what they'd done and felt, and even stupid meaningless things.
"Weights?" Rachel grins at him. "That was a very clever comparison."
He smiles back at her, a mix of pride and embarrassment. "Thanks. I thought so. It helped Kurt understand your reaction a little better."
"You understand me so well, even when we're separated. It makes me feel really loved." She presses her lips to his. "But it also upsets me that Kurt didn't understand me as well. He's my brother. I've known him longer than anyone else in my life."
"I think if he'd been able to separate his own emotions from the situation, he'd have figured it out on his own sooner. But he's as stubborn as you, so he was sticking to the belief that he was right and you were wrong. Anything that went against that just made his defenses shoot higher. I think he was actually so worried that he was wrong that he clung to his statement that he was right even more, terrified of being proven wrong. Because if he was wrong, then he sent his beloved sister away and broke her heart for nothing. And that thought killed him. So he ignored it and focused on being right. I had to snap him out of it, but I couldn't do it until he came to me."
Rachel stares at him in amazement. She runs her fingers through his hair and over his jaw. "You are far more clever than people give you credit for. You are amazing at reading people."
"No one else believes in me the way you do. No one else sees me the way you do."
"I'm sorry."
Finn shakes his head. "No. Don't be sorry. All I need is you and your support. As long as you believe in me and think I'm smart, I don't care what anyone else thinks."
After making out for a couple minutes, Finn leans over and whispers in her ear. "I kicked Sam out for several hours and the door is locked."
Rachel's heart starts beating faster and she sucks in a quiet breath. "You mean….."
Finn kisses her cheek. "Well, no. Not what you're thinking. Not yet." Her face falls in disappointment. He kisses her gently. "I want you just as badly. I just think it's better if we wait a little longer until you're a little better. How'd you feel if you had a moderate attack in the middle of our first time? Afterwards, I mean."
She sighs, knowing he has a good point. "I'd be angry and upset and I'd feel bad for ruining our first time."
"I figured as much, even though it'd absolutely not be your fault or anything for you to feel guilty about. It's better to avoid that and wait until you're better."
Rachel wants to groan and hit his chest and demand sex. But she won't; he has a good point and he clearly feels strongly about it. She manages to respond grumpily through clenched teeth. "Fine."
He chuckles and kisses her. "Until then we can do everything but that, like we have been. Like I said, the door is locked."
"And Noah's out taking Yero for a walk, so Yero won't be trying to get in here."
Finn reaches over her to his radio and turns up the volume. Then he kisses her so deeply that she forgets everything else. The world falls away until his hand begins sliding down her stomach and into her skirt. Rachel tosses her leg over his, giving him more room. They spend the next hour reconnecting in a way they both needed; emotionally and physically. Then, the couple falls asleep their favorite way; in each other's arms.
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Kurt loves NYADA. He loves the atmosphere, the classes, and most of his classmates and professors. As he'd learned through Rachel, Cassie is kind of a bitch. It seems she finds someone in every class to focus her nasty comments on, though she does insult everyone. He loves New York. He has always loved this city, but what made it better was being here with his sister. Now, it's like Rachel isn't even here. She was gone for almost two months with no contact, then suddenly she was back. But not really. She's in the house and they travel to and from campus every day. It's different now, though. There's still some distance between them and he hates it. Kurt doesn't feel like there's anything else he can say to her and he's not even sure she wants to hear it again. She just shakes her head and says "what's done is done". She only talks to him when he goes to her. Rachel never initiates conversation anymore. Not with him. Not with any of them except Finn. While it upsets him because it's obvious she's still not happy with them, it also pisses him off. She needs to grow up and let it go. And he's tired of waiting for her to do it. Then again, he's also afraid that if he pushes her, she'll break even further away from him. He doesn't want to lose her. Ever. He loves her more than anyone else in the world and it used to be mutual. Now, Kurt is seeing that Rachel loves Finn more than him and Kurt is mature enough to admit that he's jealous. He thought he'd always be Rachel's favorite person.
He watches her now, leaving the dance building with Yero heading straight for a grassy area to relieve himself. Now that it's officially spring, she's only wearing a light sweater thrown over her dance clothes. He can tell from the way she's walking that she's tired but not overly so. While she doesn't volunteer any information to them anymore (making Kurt realize that she really had been good about letting them know how she was feeling), she answers their questions honestly but curtly. It's been a struggle and there's definitely been a learning curve needed for all of them, but they're slowly figuring out how to let Rachel be and only step in when necessary. Like when she got dizzy yesterday and Puck had to catch her, then lead her to a chair. Or when she became short of breath walking to the bus and she reached for his arm to lean on last week, letting him know she needed to slow down. He'd walked at her pace, sat with her on the bench to wait for the bus, and watched silently as she pulled out her oxygen tank on her own and put on the nasal cannula. By the time the bus arrived she was feeling strong enough to walk on her own and got on the bus unaided. She's a pro at ignoring the glances or stares she gets from strangers when using the nasal cannula, but Kurt still gives those people dirty looks. Once seated, it had taken all of Kurt's power not to ask her how she was feeling. His only consolation was that she noticed his anxiety and looped her arm around his casually. It was a comfort, a reassurance, and a "thank you" rolled into one.
He smiles slightly when Yero comes running up to him to be pet. He gets a simple "hi" and smile from his sister, then they take off for home. Kurt rambles about his day and Rachel responds where appropriate, but it feels different. He tries not to focus on it. He's distracted when it takes her two tries to stand up because her legs are shaking. She must have pushed herself at dance class, but he is careful not to say anything about it. At home, Rachel kisses his cheek before heading upstairs to shower off the sweat of her dance class. Kurt sighs and tosses his bag down before plopping on the couch.
"Why are you so grumpy? Don't you have a Skype date with your honey later?" Santana asks from her spot lounging sideways on an armchair.
"I do. I'm just….." He tilts his head, listening to make sure Rachel has started the shower already. "…..I'm worried about Rachel."
Santana lowers her magazine to level a look at him. Kurt waves his hand dismissively.
"Not physically. She's actually been in pretty good shape lately, considering how she was not long ago. I'm worried about our relationships with her."
Brittany bounces into the room from the kitchen, still holding the dripping bowl she's supposed to be drying.
"Brit! You're getting water on the floor!" Sam calls, coming up behind her and tossing her a towel.
"But Kurt said something about our relationships with Rach!" Brittany argues. "That's more important than drying a bowl."
"And if you leave that trail of water on the linoleum floor and Rachel comes down and slips on it?" He raises an eyebrow at her.
Brittany's eyes widen and she gasps. She spins to Kurt. "Talk loudly! I don't wanna miss a thing!" Then she drops to her knees and begins frantically drying the trail of water she left behind her.
"I'm just saying she's been different since coming back."
Finn enters the house with his backpack slung over one shoulder. "What's going on?"
"We're talking about Rachel."
He groans. "Guys, again? Seriously? Didn't you learn your lesson last time? Do you want to push her away again?"
"We didn't mean for her to stay away so long!" Brittany exclaims, still vigorously drying the floor.
"That's my point! She only stayed away for so long because she was hurt by—"
Kurt has had enough. "That's not what we're talking about! We know that!" He looks at each of them in turn. "Yeah, we know she stayed away longer than we wanted because she was upset with us. But it's more than that. She's been back for almost three weeks and she still won't really talk to us."
Sam nods. "That's true. She used to come to my room to ask me to rate her different accents for her acting class. She hasn't done that since coming back."
"She doesn't ask me about my classes or to dance with her anymore." Brittany says quietly, wringing the towel in her hands in agitation. Feeling her hands become wet, she looks down at the floor where there's a new puddle of water. She gasps. "Oh no!"
Realizing how wet her towel is, Sam pulls off his shirt and hands it to her to use instead. Kurt rolls his eyes. He's used to the guys in the house walking around shirtless, putting their muscles on display. Especially Sam. But he still feels it's unnecessary. Yes, they all have defined six packs. Kurt doesn't think that means they need to constantly show them off.
"Does she talk to you in your room?" Sam asks Santana.
The Latina shakes her head.
"So we've all been experiencing it." Kurt declares. "Except Finn, but that's different." And not something he wants to get into right now. "Rachel only talks to us when one of us initiates it. She doesn't come to us to talk or anything. She doesn't ask to go out, or even what's for dinner. She hasn't even asked about going to Callbacks. Even when I brought it up, she just said to have fun and went up to bed. She only let Finn go with her to her last treatment. She'll answer our questions, respond to us in a friendly way, but doesn't really spend time with us. Not really. I miss my sister. I wish we'd just done as she'd asked and backed off. Or at least sat her down and explained that we felt she needed more rest."
"I wish I'd gone with her, no matter what she said." Finn admits.
"I wish I'd never said I was getting stressed." Brittany says, eyes welling up. "It wasn't like I was really stressed, just worried."
Santana abruptly stands from her chair and glares at them all, hands on her hips. "Knock it off. All of you. You feel bad about hurting her feelings? So what?!" The others stare at her in shock. "Is she alive? Is she doing well? Is she here? Exactly. So shut the fuck up. It worked and we were right."
"It didn't have to go down like that." Kurt continues his argument. "We didn't handle it well."
"So? Neither did she. I say we're even." Santana shrugs, retaking her seat.
"Even? This isn't a fight."
"No. It's the aftermath of a fight when wounds are still healing."
"Except with Finn."
"Yeah, 'cause we made up." Finn points out.
"She won't let us make up!" Kurt snaps. "I've tired! She won't listen."
"She listened, man. She understands your choices. She'll—"
"What's going on?"
They all turn to see Rachel coming down the stairs, wet hair clinging to her back. She's frowning and watching them warily. Kurt hates how tense he can see her becoming. Her back is ramrod straight by the time she gets to them.
"We're just—we're just talking about how different things are now. You don't really talk to us." Kurt says quietly.
"Or hang out with us." Sam adds.
Rachel enters the living room, stopping by Finn's side. "I will. I just needed time to put it behind me."
"By ignoring us? Punishing us?"
"I'm not punishing you."
"Kinda feels like it."
Rachel bites her lip and looks down. After a moment, she looks up at them with determined eyes. "I haven't been trying to punish you or ignore you. I'm trying to train you guys and myself to be used to a new way of interacting."
"A new way of interacting? So like…things won't go back to how they were?"
"No. I don't want to go back to how things were." Rachel says firmly. "It wasn't good for any of us. You all were trying to take care of me to the extent that it stressed you out and drove me nuts. I want us to have new relationships. Better than before. I need you to understand that I want you around. I don't need you. Not how it was before, at least. I need you to be my friends; my chosen family. Because you are. I want you in my life. I refuse to lose you. But I also refuse to change how I live my life to accommodate your feelings. If you're hurt by it or feel something should change, talk to me about it. We'll talk it out. We're eighteen and we're close enough to have these heavy conversations without losing friendships. That's another reason why I was so upset. I tried to have a mature, loving discussion about your overprotectiveness. You guys threw it back in my face and made a major decision for me. You didn't trust me to take care of myself. Looking back, I can understand why. But I'll never understand why you came to such an extreme decision."
The teens take in her words. Kurt thinks it over, trying to see it from her perspective. "I get it." He says a little gruffly. "We did kind of overreact. I know you well. I should have known better than to insist on sending you home. I should have known to talk to you. I should have trusted you a little more. I'm sorry, Rachel."
"I forgive you, Kurt. I already did. But apologies only work if the behavior changes. That's why I've been distant. I've forgiven all of you and I've been trying to help you see that I can take care of myself…..with a little help. Emphasis on little." She tilts her head, thinking it over. "Other than extreme situations out of my control."
Santana clears her throat. "So you see that you did need to rest?"
Rachel gives her a look that's both aggravated and understanding. "I'll admit the extra rest I got was really beneficial. I feel better than I have in months. But I did not need to go to Ohio for it and we could have just talked about it. If you'd presented your concerns reasonably, I would have listened. We could have compromised. We could have talked to Dr. McCann together."
"But you admit you needed that rest." Santana presses.
Kurt bites back a smirk at the audible rush of air coming from Rachel's nose. She's really working hard to not get mad. "It was helpful. It was a good idea. It was not 100% necessary."
Kurt and the others share amused looks. Rachel and Santana are extremely stubborn. Neither are going to back down on this. Knowing this, Kurt decides it'd be best to interrupt them. He walks over to his sister.
"So can I hug you?"
"Alw—" She sucks in a breath, her face pinched. He gently grabs her arm. When it ends, she continues. "Always, Kurt." She throws her arms around him. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I was punishing you."
"Eh, I was exaggerating. If you refused to talk to us at all and never answered us or stayed in the same room as us, that'd be different. You just weren't starting conversations. You weren't coming to us anymore."
"I wanted to." She admits softly.
"But you wanted us to know you didn't need to." He says, finally feeling like he truly understands.
"Yeah."
"Okay. Point made. Can we hang out now?"
She grins. "Sure. Wanna watch tv?"
"Oh, American Idol is on!" Kurt realizes excitedly. "Let's put it on!"
Laughing and pleased with how this worked out, the friends get comfortable and watch tv together. As much as the other guys complain about watching American Idol, Kurt knows they secretly enjoy it. Especially since they have fun analyzing the singing (and looks) of the competitors. They crack up discussing who can sing a song better, then try to prove it. It always ends up being fun.
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The result of that conversation was a more relaxed and happier household. Everyone is in good spirits and back to teasing and joking like family. No more walking on eggshells. And no more babying Rachel. They treat her normal, leaving her be unless she says she needs something, like to turn down the tv because she has a headache. They go back to hanging out in the city once in a while. Now that it's warmed up, they enjoy walking around. For Finn's sake, they tend to focus on parks and grassy areas. They tease him good-naturedly about being a small town boy. They go back to randomly singing around the house or holding jam sessions with Sam and Noah playing guitar while they all sing. Quinn and Mike each make another visit, relieved to hear the drama is over. Quinn teased Rachel for being a diva and Mike teased the others for not realizing she's the princess and in charge.
"It's her castle." He joked, giving a gentle reminder that they only get to live together like this because of Rachel. And because she's paying for half the rent herself.
Things are better. Just like the others, Rachel is in better spirits. Truly. Except there are still times when dark thoughts creep into her consciousness. There are still times when she gets frustrated, worried, stressed, angry, or scared. Generally she calls her mom or Blaine, or talks it through with Finn or Kurt. Finn knows she carries her tension in her neck and shoulders and has been giving her massages. Wanting him to feel as cared for as she does, she has been returning the favor. The massages help. But she still wants that "jolt" to shake off the last of the depressed thoughts that sneak in. Rachel herself isn't sure why she's so convinced this will work. She just is. Maybe it's the thought of doing something that only healthy people generally do. Maybe it's the thought of doing something wild and adventurous that'll get her adrenaline pumping. Regardless, she still wants to bungee jump.
"So let's go."
Her breathing freezes for just a moment. "What? Really?"
Finn smiles at her. "You've been talking about wanting to do this for a while. It's warmer now. You're doing better. And I looked into it. It turns out, they don't lift you back up to the starting point after jumping. They lower you down. There's an adventure company based in New York City that offers trips, including bungee jumping. We can do a group tour and all of us go. They'll teach us what we need to know about jumping, shuttle us out to the jump site, we'll jump, they'll lower you down into a boat when your jump is done, then they'll shuttle us back to their base in the city."
"We can really do it? What about waiting until I'm in remission?"
"You're gonna go into remission. I know it. But we don't know how long that'll take. You want this now. I know you still struggle at times and you think this'll help shake it off. I'm willing to do anything to help you. So let's book a trip. We can back out if you don't feel up to it the day of. Sound good?"
Rachel throws her arms around him, laughing happily. She's excited for this event and thrilled to be understood and supported.
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"Honey….you know I want to be supportive."
"But?"
"But I just don't think that bungee jumping is a cure for depression."
Rachel blows out a breath. "I know that, Mom. I'm not expecting it to be."
"It kind of sounds like you are. And I'm worried that when it doesn't work, you'll become even more depressed."
"I won't." She doesn't think, at least. "I know it's not a cure. I just think it'll help. I need…..something. I need to feel alive and shaken up. I think this will do that."
Her mom sighs. "Alright. I want you to have fun and have this opportunity. But promise me that you won't jump if you don't feel up to it."
Rachel rolls her eyes. "I promise."
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The manager of the company was very understanding of their need to cancel last minute. When Finn made the group reservation, he'd explained that they were doing it not just for fun, but to help his very sick girlfriend cross off a bucket list item. He'd warned the manager that it was a possibility that she'd unexpectedly be too unwell to go on the day of. The manager, Tom, said he understood and could waive the last minute reschedule/cancellation fee…..but tentatively explained he could only do that once. Finn agreed. So when he called the morning of their scheduled adventure and asked if they could postpone, it hadn't been a shock or a problem. Rachel's migraine was so bad she was vomiting, crying, and in too much pain to sit up. The group of teens took turns holding her, helping her drink water to stay hydrated, and giving her her pain meds. She slept most of the day, was in horrible pain when awake, and struggled to keep anything down. Even by evening, after the pain was gone, she was left weak and shaky. She agreed to staying in her room and having someone bring a light dinner up to her, not that she was able to eat much of it.
Finn leans against the door jam and watches Rachel put toothpaste on her toothbrush. He frowns, hating how upset she is. Days like this are hard on her; not just physically, but emotionally. She's getting better, but it's hard to see it at times like this. Still shaky on her feet, she has to sit on the toilet to brush her teeth. Seeing her legs wobble when she stands, Finn steps forward to steady her. She leans on him for the short walk back to her room. He climbs on the bed with her and slips a hand under her pajama top, rubbing her bare back softly. She doesn't speak. She doesn't have to. He knows how tired and frustrated she is right now. He continues to hold her long after she drifts off to sleep.
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Nothing will stop her from finally bungee jumping. They'd had to cancel last week's jump because of her migraine. Not only had she been upset to not get to go, but she'd felt bad for being the reason none of them went. Not just her immediate friends. To get a group rate, they'd needed at least ten people. Noah invited a coworker he's become friends with. Sam invited a classmate. Brittany wanted to invite everyone and felt too guilty choosing just one to invite that she ended up not inviting anyone. Rachel and Kurt invited Brody (though Rachel did check that Finn was okay with it first) and Lydia. Finn insisted he isn't close enough to any of his classmates to care enough to invite them and Santana said the same about her coworkers. So not only her framily but several friends had to change their plans last minute. They all insisted it was fine, but she still felt bad. Now, a week later, they were thankfully able to be squeezed in. In fact, it is working out even better because last week Quinn was busy, but this weekend she can join them. She'd spent the night last night and is looking forward to jumping today. Rachel struggled to wake up and didn't have much of an appetite, but is otherwise feeling good. Now, she's squeezed into a van with everyone else and laughing in excited nervousness. They'd watched the safety video, signed the waivers, and were given the rundown of what to expect. They'd already worked out an order of people to go, wanting Rachel to go in the middle. That way there's always multiple people around, just in case. Yero is traveling with them, but won't be up on the crane with them. Rachel pets him and kisses his head to reassure him before an employee leads him off. He will be kept on the boat that they'll be climbing in after jumping.
"I thought you wanted to do it." Brittany says worriedly, holding Santana's hand.
The Latina has a fear of heights, which is why the group was surprised that she agreed to join them. They figured she'd go to watch, but she said she'd jump. Now, actually on the platform they're jumping from, she's shaking and crying in fear.
"You don't have to, San." Rachel insists.
"Yeah, you can back out like a little bitch." Rachel and Kurt each slap Noah's arms. He shrugs. "What? She's being a scaredy cat. She can either go or not. Just stop crying."
Kurt opens his mouth to retort, but Rachel nudges him. She recognizes the look on Noah's face. He's good at hiding it, but she can tell when he's being a dick just to be a dick and when he actually cares. He's being a jerk about it, but she can tell he's uncomfortable with Santana crying. Instead of comforting her, he resorted to insulting her.
"Shut it, Puckerman." Santana snaps.
Luckily for all of them, the relationship between those two thrives on insults. They bicker and insult one another until Santana becomes too riled up to keep crying. They're still arguing while the amused workers attach the cords to her. Rachel watches with a smile, wondering if her friend has even noticed that she's now fully connected and ready to jump.
"You won't do it. Coward. You'll curse us all out in Spanish, but you're all talk. You don't have the guts to back it up." Noah smirks, arms crossed.
"You are so wrong, you bastard! I'm the best and bravest out of all of us! I'm from Lima Heights Adjacent! You were the one who jumped during the horror movie the other night, not me!"
"It was a fucking clown!" Noah snaps back.
"Just admit that I'm braver!"
"No way!"
"I'm tough and brave. Admit it. I wanna hear you say it." Santana demands.
Noah scoffs. "Babe, you are all talk. All bark and no bite. It's time to cash in. Back up your words with actions."
Santana blinks, her bravado slipping. "What do you mean?"
"Prove that you're brave. Jump." He dares her.
"Jump!" Brittany jumps up and down excitedly, clapping her hands.
"Jump!" The others chime in.
There is real terror in Santana's eyes as she tentatively peers over the edge. Rachel's heart goes out to her. She takes a step forward, intending to quietly let Santana know she can back out with her dignity intact. Rachel will do whatever she can to support her friend; whether that's coaxing her to move past her fear and jump, or reassure it's okay to not jump. She only gets one step, though. Santana's eyes snap to hers. Rachel is shocked into stillness by the intense look in her eyes. After a solid four seconds of staring intently at Rachel, Santana's expression shifts to one of absolute determination. She turns back to Noah and lifts her chin.
"I'm going to face my fear and jump."
"Sure you are." Noah responds mockingly.
Anger seeps into Santana's face, but instead of responding she turns to face the edge of the platform. At the attendants go ahead, Santana jumps. She screams the whole way down, making everyone else laugh. Even from so far away, they can hear her cursing heavily in Spanish. They applaud and cheer as loud as they can. Down below, Quinn, Brody, Sam, Sam's friend, and Noah's friend have already jumped. They're down on one of the boats below. It'd been amusing and nerve wracking to watch her friends jump. Brittany goes next, wanting to comfort her girlfriend. The tall dancer has trouble staying still so they can safely connect her because she's so excited to jump. She makes them laugh by managing to hit a dance pose in the air before diving headfirst over the edge. Finn goes next. He'd wanted to go right before Rachel, so seeing him get connected makes her heart rate increase. She'll be next. She steps up to him, as close as she can safely get while he's on the platform, and kisses him firmly. She knows he's nervous about an attack hitting while she's jumping or swinging in the air and they can't help her, but she appreciates that he's still supporting her anyway.
"I'll be right behind you." She promises him.
"Then I'll see you soon." He lets out a battle cry and dives off the platform.
Even though she knows he's fine, it still makes Rachel's heart leap into her throat. Her heart only settles when the cord settles and they can hear him laughing below them. Kurt kisses her cheek.
"You good?" He asks quietly and very seriously.
The excitement of the remaining group becomes a little more subdued while waiting for her response. They're all a little on edge and she loves them all the more for not trying to stop her. They're letting her live her life her way and it's really all she can ask of them. She smiles brightly. "Absolutely."
In the quiet recess of her mind, she won't deny that she's just as scared as they are. If she gets a mild attack while jumping, she has no idea how it'll affect her body. If she gets a moderate attack while still attached to the cord, it could be life threatening. If she gets a severe attack, especially considering what happened last time, she will most likely die. It's terrifying. But she won't let it stop her from living. This is one moment. The free fall itself will not last more than ten seconds. Then the bounce back. Then she has to slow down and stop bouncing. Then they can lower her into the boat. In all, it should only take about a minute. One minute. She'll be fine. She'll survive. She can face this. For some reason, the memory of singing her solo on stage at nationals her junior year springs to mind. That helps settle her nerves and she flashes a final grin at the others. At the signal from the attendant beside her, Rachel leaps off the platform. Arms and legs spread out, wind roaring all around her, and water rushing towards her, Rachel releases a high pitched scream. The cord stretches to it's fullest extent and her hands enter the chilly water beneath her before her before it snaps back and she's yanked in the opposite direction. She swoops through the air before dropping again. Rachel bounces gently in the air, slowing down with each bounce.
There's silence. No cheers or applause. She tries to call out to them, but no words emerge. She has no air to speak with. Before panic can set in, reality does. It takes a second to realize she can't talk because she's laughing hysterically. She swings her legs happily and throw her arms out and head back, laughing with her whole body and embracing the joy and freedom of this moment. Finn and the others on the boat cheer and clap, which apparently lets the others know all is well because then she hears happy shouts from high above her. Knowing the importance of moving quickly, the employees don't waste any time lowering her into the boat. Those in the boat are quick to set her on her feet and unhook her. Yero is just as quick to get to her side. The moment she's free, Finn pulls her into a tight hug that she happily returns. She looks up at the platform above them.
"Oh. My. God. We jumped from that high?!"
Finn laughs. "Yeah, we did. What'd you think?"
Rachel looks around at Santana, Quinn, Brittany, Sam, and the others. They're all eagerly awaiting her reaction.
"I think…I think it was exactly what I needed." The need to feel like she's truly alive. "That was amazing!"
That gets them all happily talking about how amazing it was, only stopping to watch the next jumper. They can tell who it is from the Glinda-esque scream. Kurt flails around, half laughing and half crying. He's shaking by the time the lower him into the boat. He's not pleased to realize he's the first on the second boat and has no one to hug. His shoulders droop. Feeling bad, Rachel calls over to his boat.
"That was incredible, wasn't it?!"
He leans over the edge of the boat to call back to her. "Yeah, it really was! But I don't ever wanna do it again!"
Rachel laughs at that. "Good thing we got it all on camera!" They'd paid extra to get it captured in video as well as pictures taken.
After everyone has jumped, their guide lets them know they actually have time for a few more jumps if anyone wants to do a second jump for 50% off. He glances at Rachel nervously while announcing this, but she pays him no mind. She's sitting with Santana and can say with all confidence that neither of them will be jumping a second time. Santana conquered her fear, but isn't quite ready to face it again so soon. If ever. Rachel would be happy to jump again, but is just as happy to hold off until she's in remission. She got what she needed and it wasn't what she expected—even though it should have been.
Falling through the air like that, falling fast and far, was exhilarating. It was terrifying and thrilling all at once. She had a blast. She wanted to do this to jolt herself out of dark feelings, shake off negativity, and truly feel alive. It worked, but only after a realization she'd made midair. Before she jumped, she'd seemingly randomly recalled what it was like singing her solo at nationals junior year. While falling, she realized that feeling of exhilaration, freedom, and of being truly alive, was the same feeling she gets when singing her heart out on stage. Bungee jumping was fun and she'd be happy to do it again. But singing, her passion, can give her those same feelings and she can do it anytime, anywhere. Even though she never doubted that she was heading for the right career and making the right choice, this confirmation thrills her. Uncle Burt had been right all along. All she needs to do to feel alive and shake off negativity, is sing.
Rachel keeps her introspective thoughts to herself and joins the others back on the platform. Only Finn, Sam, and Noah are going for a second jump, but they all want to be up there to watch. Noah gets hooked up and sits in a plastic lawn chair, his back to the edge of the platform. Finn and Sam each grab one arm of the chair and begin tipping it back. Noah pretends to act scared and desperate.
"Wait! Please! We can talk about this! I'll tell you what you wanna know! Don't do this, please!"
Finn and Sam share an amused look and hold the chair tilted back. "Yeah? Then tell us what we need to know. Or we'll toss you over the edge."
Noah frantically nods his head. "Y-yeah, yeah, okay. You need to know…..that you both have smaller dicks than me. Honest to God."
With that, Finn and Sam tip the chair the rest of the way and Noah tumbles backwards off the platform screaming. Rachel and the others are laughing so hard they're doubled over, some with tears trickling down their cheeks. Feeling lighter than she has in a long time, Rachel looks around at her friends. She is alive and living her life. Her life isn't perfect, but it's enough and it's hers.
It's enough.
And it's theirs.
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"I'm proud of you. It was really impressive and inspiring how you faced your fear like that."
Rachel had wanted to say it sooner, but didn't want to risk embarrassing her friend in front of everyone. Now it's just her, Santana, and Quinn in the living room. The rest are either in their rooms or among the group who went out to pick up the food they ordered. Santana gives her a soft smile.
"Thanks, Rachel."
She gives her a hug before heading to the kitchen to pour a glass of ice tea. From back in the living room, the soft murmur of voices floats in. She can just make out the words.
"How did you face your fear, S?" Quinn is asking. "The others said you stared at Rachel for a couple seconds before jumping."
"I just…." There's a sigh. "…if she can face her fear of dying every day and keep living with her head up, then I can face my stupid fear of heights. I mean, she's a pain in the ass and too stubborn for her own good, but….she inspires me."
The room blurs. Rachel blinks away the film of tears and takes a drink of her tea, hoping it gets rid of the sudden lump in her throat. She carries her glass upstairs.
"Where you going, midget?"
"Calling my mom. I need to let her know I'm still alive before she starts panicking." She rolls her eyes.
The other two girls laugh and Rachel heads into her room. Her mom answers quickly.
"Rachel? How was it? Did it go well?"
"Hi to you, too." Rachel laughs.
"Sorry. Hi, honey."
"It's fine, I was just teasing. It was awesome! You should try it some time."
Her mom laughs. "I think I'll pass. So…..there were no…..problems?"
Rachel smiles, knowing her mom is trying really hard not to be overprotective while still needing to be reassured that she's okay. "No, no problems. I was fine. And so was everyone else."
Now her mom sounds even more tentative. "And…..the depression? You did this in the hopes of shaking off the last of it."
"I know it was stupid. And I know that wasn't actually possible. You were right. Bungee jumping isn't a cure to depression, even though I already knew that."
"I'm sorry, baby girl. That's what I expected. I wish it were that easy."
"No, working through depression isn't easy, but it's not impossible. And mine isn't like….constant or debilitating."
"Most of the time." Her mom interjects.
Rachel shifts uncomfortably. It's true. There've been a couple times where it was definitely debilitating. But only a few. "Not often. It doesn't even affect me daily. And it's been getting better. And this really did help, just not how I expected it to."
"What do you mean?" She asks curiously.
Rachel explains her epiphany to her mother; how singing gives her the same feeling as bungee jumping. "It makes me feel alive and it's thrilling and exhilarating. And it lasts longer than the couple seconds the jump took."
"I'm so happy for you, baby girl!"
She can tell from her mom's tone that a) she's smiling widely and b) she's wishing she could hug her right now. Hell, Rachel wishes she could hug her mom right now. They talk a little longer before hanging up. Smelling food, Rachel heads downstairs in search of dinner and a hug.
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Finn coughs into his pillow before turning his head. He's gonna have to wash his sheets as soon as he's better. He's sweating through them. Damn fever. The worst part of getting sick isn't how awful he feels or the fact that he's missing classes whose work he's still gonna have to make up. It's having to stay away from his girl. Their separation and subsequent reconciliation made them stronger. He feels stronger in their relationship, which he hadn't thought possible. Rachel had been the one to realize he was getting sick. She'd noted a change in his complexion and the timber of his voice. He'd insisted he was fine. The next morning, he'd been coughing. He'd taken meds and kept his distance from Rachel. By the afternoon, he'd felt like shit. He managed to come home early, skipping his last class, and fall on his bed. He'd woken up late, after everyone else ate dinner, and found that Rachel had left out a can of chicken noodle soup, a bowl, and a spoon for him. Smiling softly, he'd eaten his dinner and gone back to bed.
His hand blindly gropes for the tissue box on his nightstand, but only hits air. Then the box is suddenly in his hand. He grabs a tissue and blows his nose, tossing it haphazardly on the floor. A wet cloth is laid over his forehead and he sighs.
"Thanks." He croaks.
Fingers stroke his hair. "You're welcome. How're you feeling?"
Finn jerks up. "Rachel? What the hell? You can't be in here!" He coughs into his elbow.
He's relieved to see she's at least wearing a medical mask. She leans over and grabs a medicine bottle. "Here. You're due for your next dose."
"I'm serious, Rach. Get out."
"Don't worry, I'm not staying. I only just came in a few seconds ago. I just…..I hate leaving you like this. I want to take care of you. Like you take care of me."
Finn sighs. "Babe, I love you. I want you to take care of me, too. But if you catch this, which is very likely, it could be worse for you. Don't endanger yourself. Not over a stupid cold."
"I'm not looking to endanger myself." She rolls her eyes. "I'm looking to take care of my boyfriend."
He gently grabs her hand that's adjusting the cold compress. "Thank you. It's appreciated. But I can't risk getting you sick. Please leave."
"Alright. I just came in to check on you and bring you some stuff."
She points to the basket by the bed. Medicine, more tissues, lozenges, water bottles, snacks, and even a flower fill the basket. Finn is honestly touched. He looks over at her, only now noticing a second medical mask dangling off one ear. That makes him feel a little better. She must have doubled up to come in and only took one off to talk to him. Rachel pulls the second mask back on and leans over, kissing his forehead. Being kissed through two masks is odd, but also oddly sweet.
"I'm leaving. I love you."
"Love you."
She pauses at the door. "Do you need anything?" He shakes his head, only needing her to be a safe distance away from his germs. "Do you want anything? Can I do anything for you?"
His heart flutters a little at how desperately she wants to take care of him and make him feel better. "Once you're in the hall and the door is shut, can you sing to me?"
Her brown eyes shine. "Of course!"
The door shuts. Finn listens to the sounds of her sitting on the floor in the hall and imagines her leaning back against the wall opposite his door. He pictures her crossing one beautiful leg over the other, clasping her hands, and closing her eyes. She sings. He gets comfortable in his bed and closes his eyes, enjoying being serenaded.
Puck, being Puck, interrupts. "What's this? Singing to closed doors now? Serenading your man?"
"You're just jealous." Rachel teases, using a haughty tone.
"Nah. If I were sick, I'd want my girl to make me feel better by offering to suck my—"
"NOAH!" Rachel shrieks.
Finn grins at her outrage as much as he does at Puck's laughter. She may not like discussing it or hearing about it, but she's quite familiar with the act. If only Puck knew how incredible Rachel is at giving blowjobs. Then again, he's glad no one else knows. Or ever will. The two bicker for another minute before Puck relents and leaves her alone. Rachel huffs before taking a deep breath and resuming her song. By the second song, Finn is starting to drift off. His favorite way to sleep is holding her. This will have to be a close second, he supposes.
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Two days later, Rachel gets sick. She'd been so good about staying away from germs. Other than little things like the occasional stuffy nose and sneezing, she truly hasn't been sick sick. Until now. Rachel knew it was a strong possibility after taking care of Finn, but she wasn't about to leave him to deal with being sick alone. Yesterday she'd felt sluggish and more exhausted than usual. Even for her. Now, though, she's pretty sure she has a fever, her head is pounding, her nose is stuffed, and her throat hurts. She groans, resulting in a cough. The door opens and feet patter in.
"Yo, Berry. Getting up for breakfast while it's still morning?"
It's not uncommon for her to spend the whole morning sleeping on weekends. And if she gets up in the morning, she naps in the afternoon.
"No." She responds.
"Why not?"
"Sick."
There's a snort. "You're always sick."
"Got a cold."
The feet shuffle closer and Santana pulls the comforter down enough that she can get to her forehead. "Damn, Berry. You're definitely burning up. I'll get a thermometer. Assuming this is a time when you'll accept help? Wanna go get it yourself?" She snarks.
"Don't be a bitch. I don't feel good."
Santana sighs, dropping the attitude. "Fine. I'll be right back."
It's confirmed. 101 degrees Fahrenheit. Rachel is pleasantly surprised when the others ask her how she'd like to be taken care of instead of just taking over her care. Unfortunately, she feels so poorly that all she could do was stare at them blankly and feel her eyes well up. Finn, her hero, solves the dilemma. He sends the others away.
"I'm gonna take care of you, alright?" He whispers in her ear. She nods, feeling pathetic. "First, we need to get your temperature down. I'll go grab you medicine then draw you a cool bath."
After swallowing down the cold medicine, Finn lifts her with ease. His only battle in getting her into the bathroom alone was finding a way to kick Yero out. The dog kept walking in circles around him. Brittany and Santana offer to take him for a walk. It's a beautiful Saturday, so they'll enjoy it too. Rachel thanks them. Finn finally manages to shut the bathroom door. She feels too bad to be in any way aroused by being undressed by the man she loves. That being said, it's still nice. He quickly divests himself of his own clothing and helps her into the tub. The moment the cool water touches her skin Rachel gasps and tries to climb out. Finn, having expected this, pulls her back against his chest and deeper into the water.
"F-Finn!"
"I know. You need this. Try to relax."
"How?!" She whines, miserable. "It's too cold."
"Actually it's just cool, not cold. How about a distraction?"
"What—"
Her breath catches in her throat. Finn's hands switched to a lighter touch and cupped her breasts. She freezes, waiting to see how far he'll take it. He begins massaging them.
"I don't wanna get your heart rate up, but I figure I can help you relax a little."
He continues massaging and stroking, giving gentle tugs. He slides one hand further south. Finn moves slowly, not trying to get her too worked up. Realizing this, Rachel lets her head thump softly back against his shoulder and relaxes into his body. She's still uncomfortable with the water temperature, but this is a nice distraction.
"We were gonna do this when you felt better." She says quietly.
"I know. We're still doing it this weekend. But instead of together, I'm just gonna take care of you. You wouldn't be sick if you'd kept your distance from me."
"Never."
She can feel his smile against her cheek. He needs to know that she's just as willing to take care of him as he is to take care of her. It's just that usually it's her who needs the care. For a little while, in a distant sort of way, it was nice to take care of him for once. It's part of why she's so willing to give him blowjobs. She's taking care of him in her own way. If he won't allow sex yet, she'll make sure he's satisfied other ways, just as he does for her. Just as he's doing now. Though now, it's less about that sort of pleasure and more about helping her relax and not focus on how badly she feels. Finn slowly and gently brings her to a very subtle and subdued orgasm. Somehow, despite all that, she feels incredibly cherished and loved. And relaxed and content, as he'd intended. She also feels very lucky to have such an amazing guy willing to go to such lengths for her. When she's better and they're married, she'll make sure all of his needs and wants are met to the best of her ability.
Finn helps her climb out of the tub and runs a towel over her, drying her off. She insists on doing the same for him. They get dressed and return to her room, where Rachel finds that someone (probably Kurt) has changed her sheets already for her. She slips into bed. Finn kisses her and leaves to get her water. He returns with a tray with light food and encourages her to try to eat. Kurt comes in at that point and kicks Finn out so he can spend time with Rachel. Of course, Kurt already informed her mother of her being sick, so right after Kurt leaves she calls her mom to let her know it's just a cold and she'll be fine. She has to promise (and get Kurt to promise) to let her know if her fever gets worse.
Rachel hates that she loses nearly a week of classes, unable to return to campus until the following Friday. Finn's cold had lasted two days. Hers, thanks to AA, lasted six. Finn felt guilty and she had to work hard to convince him it was worth it. They take care of each other. Because she was letting him and the others take care of her and was taking care of herself, he relented and accepted it. Finn still couldn't help but beg her not to put herself at risk like that again. She'd given him a closed lip smile.
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"I'm so not used to this." Rachel tells Lydia, setting down her bag.
Yero hops up on his usual spot on the bench. Dance class has always been her last class of the day. Now, once a week, it's her first class. Lydia smiles at her sympathetically.
"It is weird. I still have a class before this, but I don't like having another class after it." The girl admits. "I'm all sweaty!"
Rachel nods. "I'd rather be able to have early classes and have the afternoon free, but there are benefits to having a late start. More seats available on the bus for commuting. And it is nice not having to rush in the morning."
"Aaawww, did you have a nice lie in Schwimmer? Must be nice."
Rachel sighs internally but is careful not to let Cassie see any outward display of irritation. A majority of the woman's comments and insults are helpful in some way and Rachel accepts them with some amusement. However, when the comments are related to things out of her control, like needing to sleep in because she has Danton's aplastic anemia, it's not amusing to her. It's frustrating. If she had it her way, she'd be up early and on campus as soon as possible every day. Not struggling to crawl out of bed almost every morning. So no, not being able to get up at a normal hour is not nice. Struggling to wake up is not nice. She's sure Cassie knows this and is purposely trying to annoy her. Lydia squeezes her shoulder in a silent show of support.
It doesn't help that her treatment last night had been particularly rough. She'd been exhausted but unable to sleep due to her pounding head. By the end, she couldn't even stand. They'd had to wheel her out to the cab in a wheelchair, then Sam had to lift her into it. Finn carried her up to bed when she got home. This was a time when she was happy to let her friends help take care of her. Feeling weak while dealing with the migraine, she'd let them coddle her. They kept the house dark and quiet for her. They helped her take her strong pain meds and dried the tears dribbling down her cheeks from under clenched eyes. They held her and made sure she knew she wasn't alone. She's not even sure whose arm she'd been gripping for dear life. A mild attack struck, feeling ten times worse than normal with her raging headache. She'd had to swallow back a scream. Eventually, the pain meds kicked in and she was knocked out. In the morning, she'd thanked them for everything. She also pointed out that that was one of the rare situations where she needs more help and is grateful to them for their support. Even when she was sick with that cold, it was mostly Finn taking care of her. When he was at class, she took the medicine herself and stayed hydrated and mostly slept. The others spent time with her, but she was mostly taking care of herself. Overall since returning to New York, she has been able to take care of herself with just needing the occasional arm to grab on to. Her friends have kept their word and their distance unless clearly needed. Thankfully, they've admitted that she's right and she can mostly handle things on her own. They all agreed that it's working out well like this. No one is stressed. After seeing how well she is doing taking care of herself, and how she happily accepts help when she needs it, they're not even overly worried anymore. Rachel still doesn't care what stage she is and is still refusing to let Dr. McCann tell her. Unless she goes into remission or drops to stage three, she doesn't want to hear it. She's tired of the back and forth between stages one and two. However, she knows her mother and friends know her current stage at all times. She leaves the room while the doctor tells whoever went to the doctor with her and he tells them. He then calls her mother to inform her. It exasperates her mom but amuses Rachel that she herself, the one who is sick, is the only person who has no idea what her stage is.
Not only did she have a rough day and night before, it's bleeding over into today. Rachel's legs are shaking by the end of dance class and tired enough that Brody has to help her over to the bench to sit. It hasn't been like this in a while. She gets tired, but takes breaks when she needs them. And she doesn't need them often anymore. But there are always exceptions, like now. Bad moments in good days. Good moments in bad days. She keeps reminding herself of that. It's moments like this that cause her to briefly regret not knowing her current stage. She can't tell herself "well, I'm stage two, it's to be expected" because she doesn't know. Instead, she brushes it off and lifts her head, deciding it doesn't matter. She'll handle it as she always has. She can handle tired. She hates handling feeling weak. It always brings up memories of being stage four. She'd spent practically every day of that stage feeling weak and barely able to stand. There's a part of her that is terrified that she'll have to go through that again. Mostly, she's able to push those fears aside and keep her head up. Especially since just about everything in her life seems to be improving. Days like this make it hard to believe, but she feels like she's doing better. She hopes she's right, but still refuses to ask anyone to tell her her current stage.
Rachel believes that it is more important to focus on how she feels rather than her current numbers. Feelings, not numbers. That's her current thought process.
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Puck storms into Finn's room and slams the door behind him. "Dude, man up and sleep with your girl or I will."
Finn pauses his video game and stands to face his best friend. "Run that by me again?"
"You heard me. You have a hot, amazing girl who is literally begging to sleep with you and you keep turning her down? Are you fucking insane?" Then he glances down at Finn's crotch. "Or is there something wrong with Finn Junior? If you can't man up and please your woman, I'm more than happy to take over."
Red. Finn's fist flies through the air and collides with Puck's face before conscious thought can stop him. The mohawked young man stumbles back, then snarls and hits him back. Finn accepts the blow before straightening up. For several moments, they stand there glaring at one another with clenched fists.
"Seriously, is there something wrong with you?"
"There's something wrong with her!" Puck's look becomes venomous and Finn realizes how it sounded. "Not—not like that. You know what I mean. Dude, she's sick. Life threatening."
"She's better! She's been getting better! What are you waiting for?"
"Remission!"
"Why?!"
"Do you remember when we got caught making out in school? And the adults gave the whole club a sex ed lesson?"
Puck snorts. "Yeah. What of it? Need another lesson?"
Finn ignores that. "My mom and Burt sat me down that night. They explained that….that because of how sick Rachel is, if she gets pregnant….she could die. Her body wouldn't be strong enough to carry a fetus to term. Rachel and the baby would die."
Puck's expression changes to one of concern. "What? Wait, now, too?"
Finn sighs. "Yeah. Look, I didn't want to risk upsetting Rach so I didn't tell her, but I talked to Dr. McCann. About sex. He said to wait. At the time, she wasn't doing as well as she is now. He said she'd be able to feel pleasure from it, of course," Finn is blushing furiously and Puck stares at the floor "but it'd also wear her out. And possibly weaken her if it's more than her body can handle. She's stronger now, but there's more to it than that. Birth control and condoms only go so far in preventing pregnancy. That 1% chance is still a chance of pregnancy. And it could kill her. I'm not willing to take that chance. Not over physical pleasure. We can wait." He steps closer to Puck. "Trust me. I want her. All of her. I want to worship her body and bring her pleasure she has never felt before. But we can't. Not yet. It's not safe."
Puck nods awkwardly. "Sorry, dude. I just—Rachel's an awesome girl. She deserves the best. And I didn't get why you weren't, you know, taking care of all of her needs. Like a man should."
"I get it. But talk about sleeping with my girl again and I'll do more than just punch you."
He is 100% serious and knows Puck knows this. Despite that, the guys grin at one another before breaking out into laughter.
"Wanna play a round with me?" Finn indicates the paused game behind them.
"Sure."
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Kurt laughs at Rachel's huge grin. It's ridiculously adorable and he loves it. He loves that their closeness has returned and that she's been in better spirits lately. They'd left campus and headed in the opposite direction of the bus stop. Instead of heading straight home, they walked to a nearby park. It's too beautiful a day to be cooped up indoors and they've been in class all day. Rachel still struggles to wake up most mornings, but hasn't needed to go to bed early in a while. Unless she has a particularly strenuous day, she's not overly tired by the time she comes home. She takes less naps, too. They're all happy to see it and Kurt is positive it's part of why her spirits are back to being so high. He wishes she'd let him tell her that she's stage one. A high stage one, too. She's truly getting better. Rachel hasn't had a moderate attack in about a month. Her headaches aren't slowing down (she still gets them weekly), but her mild attacks are. They're no longer every day. Hell, she has gone several days without getting one a few times. Mornings are still rough, but she's dizzy less often. Baby steps. Things are improving in small increments.
He decides to copy her. His sister has her shoes off and is digging her toes into the grass. As much as they both love city life, they do miss having more access to grass like this. They have to actually walk to a park, not just step outside their home like they're used to in Ohio. So getting to dig their toes into lush grass on a warm spring day is a treat for the new city dwellers. Yero is enjoying running around the small clearing, playfully chasing a squirrel.
"I can't believe our first year of college is almost over." Rachel comments.
"Yeah. Well, your first year." He's still a little bitter about not being accepted immediately.
Rachel shrugs. "You're only a semester behind me."
"True. And I'll have more time here with Blaine."
"I'm sure he'll get in."
Kurt nods, fully agreeing. He may still be bitter about not getting into NYADA instantly, but he'll be truly thrilled when Blaine gets his acceptance. He'd be beyond angry if he doesn't get in. Rachel got an instant acceptance (ignoring the health caveat) because she's an amazing singer and Kurt has no problem admitting that she's better than him. He also has no problem admitting that Blaine is a better singer than him. Of course, he knows he himself is amazing. Those two are just…a step above.
"You okay with having to make up stuff you missed this summer?" He asks her curiously. She hadn't seemed upset when she'd told them, but he wants to make sure.
"Of course. I figured I'd have to and they warned me right from the start that it was a possibility. I already had time with all of my family and got to go on an awesome vacation to Italy. If I only have a little time this summer to spend with them, it's okay with me."
"With you," Kurt grins, "but not your family."
"Yeah," Rachel laughs, "Mom's already talking about coming up here to spend time with me when I'm not in class."
"Does she think we'll leave you here alone while you have summer classes? Puck and Santana still have their jobs, I'm going back to working at this summer, and you know Finn won't leave your side."
"True. And I know Brittany was looking into teaching a summer dance class for little kids. And Sam's paramedic classes only give him a short summer break so he'll be here most of summer, too."
She's right. Kurt thinks of his summer and sighs. "As much as I'm looking forward to it, I'm also kind of upset about not getting to spend a whole summer off of responsibility and home with my family like I'm used to."
"We're still going back home, Kurt. Just for a shorter time than we originally planned."
"I know. And we could always do long weekend trips, too." He agrees. "I miss Mercedes. And Quinn and Mike."
"Let's invite them here again. And we can all meet up when we're back in Ohio."
Kurt nods. The ways their lives are changing is exciting but a little scary, too. He's not sure he's ready to grow up. At the same time, it's a thrilling prospect and he can't wait. As long as he has Rachel, Blaine, and the others by his side, they can handle anything. And make it fun.
As Rachel has pointed out many times before, what's the point of being alive if you aren't really living? Make it fun.
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A/N: Sorry for the delay. Got really sick for a while. Then I took on extra tasks at work, so now I work 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. It's drastically cutting into all of my time, leaving me with very little time to read and write. Or energy.
